1070 Create Intimacy & Upgrade Your Sex Life w/Dr. Emily Morse

This is episode number 1070 with Emily Morris.

Pleasure is your birthright, and we all deserve to have pleasure. And we prioritize so many other things. Work, family, home, and usually we put ourselves last. I believe that when we heal ourselves sexually, we will heal so many other parts of our life.

Welcome to the School of Greatness.

My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Journalist Franklin P. Jones said, Love doesn't.

Make the world go around.

Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. And therapist Esther Perel said, Love is a verb, not a permanent statement of enthusiasm. My guest today is Amelie Morse, who is a doctor of human sexuality, host of the longest running sexual wellness podcast, sex with Emily and author of hot sex over 200 things you can try tonight. She is recognized as one of today's most insightful sex Educators, challenging cultural taboos, misinformation, and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and shamelessly Embrace pleasure. And just a quick disclaimer, this conversation covers mature content with the intent to educate you all and start a conversation with yourself and others. And in this episode, we discuss the number one that keeps people from thriving in their sexual relationships. How to simplify our feelings about our desires. What men and women need to understand about each other in order to thrive in a sexual relationship. How to hack your sex life. What you should do if you and your partner are struggling with intimacy. Who cheats in relationships more and why that happens. What conversations should we be having about sex with a new relationship? and so much more. Make sure to share this with someone you think would be inspired by it. Just send them to lewishouse.com/1070 or copy and paste the link wherever you're listening to this. And a quick reminder, if this is your first time here, welcome to the School of Greatness. Please click that Subscribe button over on Apple Podcasts right now so you can be notified of all of the other great content we have here, as well as giving us a rating and review, letting us know what you enjoyed most about this episode. Okay, in just a moment, the one.

And only Emily Morse.

Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest today, Emily Morse is in the house. Good to see you.

Good to see you too. It's been a while.

We met 10 years ago at the Museum of Sex. I don't know if you remember, I remember exactly the place we met, when it was, I was living in New York City, and I got wrangled in to do this Bravo reality show about three women who were relationship experts but were struggling to find love in their own life. That was the exact concept. Exactly.

Right. Do we practice what we preach? Exactly. And a friend of mine was like.

Oh, just come out tonight. We're gonna be hanging out. They might be filming, but just come and hang out as my friend. And right away, she's like, oh, you should meet this girl, Amy. And then she tried to set me up right away. And I was like, what am I getting into? And then the producer was like, yeah, you're doing this. And I was like, what?

I thought it was just coming to hang.

Right. And then it became a thing and they were like, We want you on the show. And I was like, I don't wanna.

Be on this reality show. You became a whole subject line. And then I used to say, Oh, Louis, Louis, Louis, you became a whole.

Like thread in the reality show. It was not my intention.

I don't know if I would do a reality show again, but it was worth the experience. It is, it's television.

That was my book launch at the New York Times. It was that night.

Yeah.

And so that's when I met you. You've had an incredible journey over the last decade of helping people understand Sex. Sex with Emily is your whole thing.

That's it, man. It's been 15 years since I started. This is my 15th anniversary of the podcast. I started in 2005.

You were like, oh, oh, G. Oh.

G, oh, G. Definitely the first sex podcast and I just, yeah, 15. This is our 15th.

With 15 years of experience in doing this, obviously more experience before that, but 15 years of being in this space, what's the number one thing that ruins relationships from keeping a thriving Desirable sex life. What would you say you hear?

The number one thing that keeps people from thriving in with their sexual relationship is communication. I that is not if couples do not talk about sex and they don't prioritize their sex life and they just assume it's always gonna be how it was during the honeymoon phase, which is not realistic, it's gonna fall apart.

What if it's uncomfortable to talk about?

Well, that's the point. It's always uncomfortable to talk. See, here's here's why I will always why I will always have a job. People are always gonna listen to the podcast and call in with questions. questions is because it's not comfortable for anyone to talk about sex because we don't have role models of people talking about sex. We had zero sex education. Most people I speak to after 15 years had, and if they did it was inaccurate. And we feel we somehow, there's all these things that we've learned about sex that are untrue. And one of those is like if you have to talk about sex, it means that there is a problem and that's when you should just call it quits because we get attached to those early phases of the relationship.

Or it's just like this explosion and.

Fire It can always be fireworks. It's never always fireworks. That so everything and if we if we don't talk about and so yes, it's always uncomfortable, but that's why I always talk about I mean a lot of what I do is teach communication around sex. I mean, yes, I can give you all the tips and all the positions and all things we could be here for 16 hours, but at the end of the day, how you even have that conversation that's terrifying and hard and.

Uncomfortable and How does a woman who's been married for five plus years to their husband have the conversation when the sex life is dying or about to be dead?

So how does the woman approach it?

Yes.

Okay, so I'll tell you my three T's, timing, tone, and turf.

Tone is everything.

Tone is everything. For women also. For everyone. Because here's the thing, let's start with tone. You never initiate sex. you never want to have sex with me. How come you don't, you know, go down on me? Why don't you do all the... And so the second anyone does that, whether it's a business, it's a business in the boardroom or the bedroom, you're going to get a defensive reaction. So your tone has to be curious and open and light and collaborative. Like, you know, so our tone is, hey, I realize we, you know, we haven't talked about our intimate life, our sex life lately, and I just, I realized we've never talked about it, babe. So let's just, you know, what are some things that have been working for you, what not? And so that's part of it. I can circle back to the, we can actually do a conversation. So that's the tone. The tone is never aggressive, hostile, blaming. Then you have the TERF. Now this might surprise you because most people think that you should talk about it when you're in the bedroom. They're like, well, I just had sex and we're already in the bedroom, but the bedroom, I believe, is sleeping. and sex, not to have deep conversations, but we usually think, well, if sex is in my mind right now, we should talk about it. Like, wait till it's a remove so then you can actually have a productive conversation. Because most people I talk to, I say they call in my show and I'm like, I've got this problem. I'm like, okay, have you talked about it? Yeah, I did. I let her know that I want. Where were you? And it was after sex. They don't remember. Our minds are in an altered state. No, because of the hormones and the chemicals that happen with arousal and orgasm. So outside the bedroom, in a place, here's some tips for this. It's like you want to do it in a place where you are, maybe you're having dinner, you're having a glass of wine, you are going, here's another thing, since it's so awkward, do it when you're going for a walk, because.

This way, this is a great way to do it.

You're not staring at each other, you're looking for, you're not looking at each other or in the car, on a road trip. I won't even make you look in your partner's eyes at this moment, but then you can be like, so babe, I realize we haven't talked about our sex life.

Right?

So that's timing tone turf. That's what I got, right? Did I hit them all? Timing is-- oh, timing. No, I didn't. I missed time. I was turf. I got excited. Timing is-- here's an easy way to remember. Don't do it when you're halt, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. You are chilling. You're hanging out. You're in a really good space. That's why being outside in nature or you're going on a road trip, you're in a good place, you're having dinner. you're having a meal, the kids are sleeping. And I also wanna tell people it is not a one time conversation. You know, another one of the myths around sex is like, oh, I had the sex talk. Like it's a, no.

And now we all of a sudden understand.

Nothing, we know nothing. So that might be your first conversation is, you know what I realized after these 10 years, five years we've been together, we haven't talked about it. And it's so, you know, as you hope you can agree, it's important. And I realized lately, I feel, you see, I feel that we haven't, made a lot of time for it. I'm not sure why, you know, I'm thinking, you know, I've been listening to a lot of people like, I'm like, always like, blame me, say you were listening to this podcast. You know, I was listening to sex with Emily and she said maybe we should schedule sex. And I can get into that too, but like we should, or maybe we should just, you know, I don't wanna be the only one driving this. So tell me what could be a great solution or why do you think we're not having sex? I think it's because I've been, we've been, I've been really tired, I'm overworked. You know, what do you think it is? And then you can problem solve. But what do you think we could do? We could schedule sex. We could plan things. We could, you know, and then the challenge is a lot of things can come up from there. Well, you haven't been listening to me, you know? So it's, this is why it's not a one-time conversation. And then you say, you go from there.

What is the main reason that men stop having sex with their partner after a long period of time? and why is the main reason that women would want to stop having sex with their partner after a long period of time?

You know what's interesting, Louis, is that we always wanna split this by gender and it would be so much easier if we could. Men do it 'cause of this and women do it 'cause of this. And what I found out is that there is, you cannot divide this on gender lines. Same thing for both. Same exact reasons, yep.

So what's the reason then?

So the reasons are, I mean, I could tell you that there's some male skewing things, for example. You know, so maybe there is some truth to probably what you're thinking is that, you know, men want variety or that it just gets to be sort of stale and it's not exciting anymore. But I hear that from women all the time. Really? Yep. That they just sort of get bored with it. But typically they stop having sex because it gets boring and then resentments build too. So usually there's an underlying Resentment, something's happened, they've built up contempt. Once you get to contempt, that's a really hard place to come back from. But there's resentments, maybe it's, they thought because one time they told their partner they wanted to initiate more and their partner didn't, well then they hold that against them. They use sex as a weapon. They withhold it from their partner. I'm not gonna, we're not gonna have sex. So there's the resentments, there's the just, you get bored, 'cause you don't talk, you don't mix it up, and you don't do different things. It's also because some of the top reasons why they're not having sex is lower, you know, there's always a high desire partner in every relationship and a lower desire partner. Someone who desires sex more.

Someone who desires sex more.

There's always someone who wants more and someone who wants less. And unfortunately, those people never match up. Really? Mm-. So what do you mean, someone who wants sex? I mean, that's why it's so hard. You can't just like say, but there's.

A lot of different, because there's always, it could be hormone.

Here's the thing, let me break it down. So you're saying there's always someone who wants it more than someone else. They're never at the same level. No, and that can switch. You're like, I really wanted it, but then I got really stressed. So another reason why we don't want sex typically doesn't even have to do with our partner. It could be because we're really stressed out with work. What I hear a lot from men is when men are really so, I can give you some gender things here. When men are really stressed about money or finances, they're worried about work, it's like they've been castrated, honestly. Because if you think about the masculine, in many cases, I don't want to be, they're like, oh, I have to make a living. I have to be the man. And then if you are, you got laid off from work. you don't know how you're gonna pay the mortgage. Sex is a let, you are shut down. Sex could be the last thing on your mind.

You don't feel sexually charged.

You don't desire yourself. You don't desire all these things. Well a lot of it has to do with the reason why, okay, so another reason why we don't want sex is because we're not feeling good about ourselves. So if you look at it holistically, yeah, it could be about an emotional reason, a psychological, it could be physiological, biological, your hormones, you know, for women, our hormones change over time after childbirth. If you're on certain medications, that could also be a reason why we don't want sex. So whenever I dig deeper, it's typically not even about your partner per se. There's just always so many factors. It's like saying, you know, do you feel healthy right now? I mean, it's the same thing. Like, oh, well my exercise is great, but my diet isn't, or I'm really working out, but I'm not lifting weights or, you know, so it's like sex, it's like a, it's a puzzle that you have to look at all the elements.

It's really hard.

How do we simplify it?

How do we just relax and allow the desire to flow for the rest of our life?

I think that's a great question. And I think how we simplify it is we keep talking about it, we keep checking up on it, we keep saying, so where are we at now? And you set realistic expectations. So I'll give you an example. Like when a woman gives, let's talk, I'm sure a lot of your listeners have children or they've gone through this, or women in perimenopause or just hormonal things. So let's say you wanted sex all the time before you got pregnant, and then you have a baby. And for many women their desire doesn't come back. Now they go to the doctor, they come home from the hospital, and the doctor typically says, oh, you'll be fine. You can have sex in six weeks. So much of the medical system and how we treat women and women's health is so inaccurate. You come in six weeks, and maybe you'll feel a little bit better physically, but your hormones are all over the place. You're exhausted. You just birthed a human out of your vagina and you're supposed to get all sexy and slinky and want sex. It's just, so that could be a thing. So then even setting expectations. So I think another important thing is you talk about it, but you also set expectations. Like right now babe, I'm not feeling it. Let's just say that I'm not gonna, it's not gonna be as frequent. But also people, the way we define sex is through intercourse. PV sec, I'm talking about heterosexual couples. Penis goes into vagina, but sometimes we dismiss intimacy with our partner. So sometimes it could be, let's just, you know, let's cuddle. Like, I'll give you a back rub for 20 minutes and you'll give me a back rub for 20 minutes and then we'll see where it goes. Or we take sex off the table for a week and we're like, we just sort of do it like we did in high school. We kind of bring back that energy and that connection. So It doesn't always flow and I think the problem is it will never flow. Just like your health, just like nutrition, your spiritual practice, your religious practice. It is the same exact thing. And so the bill of goods that we are sold, that this perfect sex life looks a certain way and it's, you're always hot, you're always turned on, you're always want to rip your partner's clothes off, doesn't exist anywhere for anybody on the planet, not even me. and I've been studying this for 15 years. And I started this because I was like, I don't ever want to be in a relationship where the sex, it just seems horrible to be with someone that you don't want to have sex with. And I thought, how do I unpack, how do I figure that out? And so now I know what to do when I'm in a relationship, but I still sometimes don't want it all the time. So let's just knock down that and let's just say to think that it's always going to be in flow and you're always going to want to have sex with your partner at the same rate, the same time, the same positions.

Your desires are going to be the.

Same as your partner.

It's just, Setting yourself up for failure.

Never gonna happen.

Never. So it's learning to be flexible, understanding, having greater communication with your partner, not having this fixed mindset that it's gotta be a certain way all the time. Right. Otherwise you're gonna let yourself down. Yeah, set yourself free. Do you think, is sex more physical, psychological, or spiritual in your mind?

I think it's all of those. And when we think it's only one thing, that's another way we get into trouble, 'cause we don't Yes, it's physical, but for many people, it's a spiritual experience. It's all about connection. And here's the other thing when we talk about communication, I don't just mean like, Hey, let's talk about sex. Why aren't we having it? It's like, what are your desires? What turned you on? What are you into? What's the most, you know, great place for couples to start is what's the most, the three most memorable times we've had sex? I'll write it down and then you write it down, not with other people.

Because that gets messy. But in our relationship.

Five years ago in that car with that other girl. That girl went down on his penis. Crazy, oh my God, you're like, oh shit, that wasn't you, that's bad. But once you start to kind of unpack, maybe I say, I had a woman call into my show a few weeks ago and she said to me, it was very similar. I was married for 15 years and we don't have sex, we have kids. I mean, this is literally the question. So I'm glad we're talking about this. And she said, and I asked her, I said, well, what's the most memorable time you had sex? She said it was like in 2000, it was New Year's Eve and we were on the dance floor and we had We had sex on the dance floor. And she was like, are we, I'm like, that's hot.

I'm like, okay.

Wait, with other people around? Yeah, they were like, people, it was like, you know, New Year's Eve and people couldn't sleep. Yeah, that's pretty hot. It's hot. You're probably not gonna match that with three kids, like, living in Ohio. Like, that's not gonna happen again. However, what I got from that, and this is just a, this is just scratching the surface, was, oh, so you like the unexpected. Maybe you have a little bit of.

A, you know, a voyeur thing in.

You, or you like people to watch you, or you like to be watched.

Almost be caught or something.

Yes, to be caught, the fear of being caught is a big one for people. Really? So even just those colonels of the three most memorable, maybe it was on vacation, for a lot of people it's on vacation. Well, it's not, you know, that's why we all love vacation sex. So our sexual DNA, all the different sex things that we've done, that will tell us, or just telling people that sex acts is like the DNA of your sex life. It's like what's worked, what hasn't, and the challenge is that typically we don't often match with our partner. And this is why I would love for people to have all of these conversations about sex before you commit, or before you, oh, before you commit would be ideal. Before you get married. Because you're like, oh, I want penetration. I want more, I'm kinkier. I want, you know, so the three things are, you know, some people want more romantic, connected sex. Like, maybe, Your partner says the best sex we ever had was when we were staring into each other's eyes and we did that tantric breathing together. And then you're like, I liked it when I-- from behind, when the lights were on, you know, and when we were watching porn together. And neither-- there's no right answer here. But then how do people with disparate sexual desires and needs come together?

It's so hard. It's possible. It's very possible. It's very hard.

It's very hard.

It's almost like, There's a lot of people that get into a relationship through attraction. They have this instant connection. And they realize after six months that they have different love languages.

Yes, the love languages are different.

The thing you love to create, maybe you like to share words of affirmation, but your partner doesn't do that in return. And you don't feel the love in return after a period of time when things kind of wear off the honeymoon phase. You start to be resentful or whatever it may be because they're not giving you what you want. And it's not there come from. It's not their normal way of being.

Right.

So that's hard, but then you're in a relationship and you love each other and you try to make it work. It sounds like you got to understand.

Each other's sex language. Yes, so let's talk about that for a minute. So I think every couple, a great thing is to do, take the love language quiz first. Also, I have something on my site called, it's at sexwithemily.com, it's the yes, no, maybe list. This is a game changer. So I think it's, you take the love language quiz because usually we give love the way we want, we give love the way we want to receive it and then that can get messy. It's a list, that has literally like 80 sex sex options. So it goes from kissing to cuddling to spanking to watching porn to mutual masturbation, just everything that you've thought of sexually is on this list. And it's a game, you each fill it out, is it a yes for you, is it a no, or is it a maybe? What a great conversation. Because I always try to have hacks for people so they can sort of, because the conversation is so awkward, I always have all these exercises for couples. Let's do this together. And then you're like, oh, you want to be spink? I didn't know that. I've wanted that as well. Or you like to cuddle. We haven't been cuddling. What are your yeses? Let's start with all the yeses. Okay, let's do more of the yeses. What are your maybes? Let's just talk about the maybe here for a minute. Why is it a maybe? And it just gets the conversation going. And then you have it all laid out.

And you see, where can we at least align? And then where can we negotiate? Right, and what about the nos? What if someone's yeses or someone else's nos?

That's gonna take a lot of work. It's like the love language. Some of them are easier than others, but if your partner's like acts of service or time, some things are just hard. You're like, oh God, acts of service, can't I just pay someone to do.

This thing for you? That's what I think.

My girl loves acts of service. I know, say that's hard for you.

I guess I'm speaking for, yes. It takes so much time and energy to make you feel loved through an act, when I normally would never do.

This myself For anything. What do you do for myself? Exactly. I don't even wash my car or.

Whatever, fill the tank with gas.

But I've learned the hack from like.

Hiring people to do certain things. Hire people to do things. But it's just, and that works, but it's still like, man, it's a full-time job. It is a full-time job.

Being there for someone's love language if it's not the same thing. Yeah, it's hard. Well, how great when you match up at least one of them, 'cause usually we have two.

We have one and then a primary one, so hopefully there's one that's a good match. We have a lot of mutual things also, but it's like, If you have a, your yeses or someone else's nos, that's gonna be really hard.

Yeah, does everyone, your listeners, you've talked about the love languages before. It's such a, it's a great, no, it is, it is, it's great. And that's a great starting point for couples too, because for couples who have never, like, let me tell you something, Louis, the majority of couples that I hear from, and even individuals, they've never talked about their sex life, not only that, but they've never even thought about love languages. They're at a standstill. They've never had therapy. And so I think taking a love language quiz, figuring that out can be a great place to just start and peel back a layer and be like, oh, you want compliments, okay.

What's the conversation starter that any person should have with their partner within the first couple months about sex? Maybe you've had sex a few times already, maybe you're about to have sex in order to see if this is actually gonna work. To give you a chance of being great.

God, in my world, it's so much more than that.

What's the conversation that's uncomfortable but needed?

Well, you should always talk about protection and if you're safe and you've been tested, you should do that before you have sex. Just have that conversation. And right now with COVID it's like, we're all talking about tested. Why don't you just talk about, have you gotten tested? Have you been tested? Oh great, you don't have COVID and how about STDs? So that's one thing. And then I think it's just about how important is, here's a great question, how important is sex to you? I'm someone who really wants to prioritize pleasure. It's really important to me to stay connected to my partner. I love touch. My love language is is touched.

Yeah, me too.

How are you, yeah, and that's a hard one. If your partner isn't touched, that's another one that's super challenging. It's very hard. I'm like, if you were not touching.

Often and all the time, that's a big problem.

You're not gonna feel loved. You're gonna be resentful, it's not gonna work. Yeah, they could be buying me gifts and they could be doing extra service. I don't give a, but touch me, hold me. So that's hard, but just to say they're like, oh no, I don't really like, so if they say, oh, you know, sex is, yeah, pleasure, what do you mean by that? Or God, and then they get really uncomfortable, or maybe they shame you for talking or they make you feel bad or like, what do you mean? I believe that if you have to talk about sex, the relationship's not going to work. And I'm not saying you run away from that person because let me just, I can't say this enough, Lou, that most people haven't even talked about it or thought about it. A lot of times it's because they even the people don't have a lot of education or they haven't done research. So maybe their partner says, well, I've heard if we have to talk about it, there's a problem. Lots of people think that. It's just simply not true. So if you're somebody who's with someone and you really like them, but that, then you could say, Okay, well, a lot of people listen to my show together, they listen to my podcast, or give them some literature, however they learn and say, the truth is, couples who communicate about sex are actually a lot more satisfied. And when most couples who don't, the.

Sex is gonna go down the tubes. Really, if they don't talk about it. Yeah. So the more comfortable you are talking.

About it, the more comfortable you are. The more comfortable you are. Listen, the couples who are not having a problem with sex, they're doing great. But when it becomes a problem, which it will if you never talk about it, It takes over the entire relationship. It's kind of like the 80-20 rule for sex. Like if it's a problem, it takes over. I don't know, is that sort of.

You know, or like it's- yeah, it's like the elephant in the room that no one's talking about. And it's why isn't our connection good.

And intimacy is not good? But no one's willing to talk about it. No one's willing to talk about it because they don't know where to start. They don't actually know the problem. And a lot of us, and I actually do hear this from vulva owners, or women more often, is that when there's a problem with sex, we blame ourselves. So we think he hasn't initiated sex lately. Oh, I gained weight. He saw my stretch marks. I'm not sexy. He's with somebody else. There's something wrong with me. And so therefore, I need to fix it. When if I just said, you know, to the partner or someone said, their partner, so what lately I feel like we haven't been having sex as much. Is there anything going on? Because I still does. Oh, babe, I'm glad you brought it up. I'm so stressed with work. I mean, like, Let's just solve it that way, but we don't, we're so afraid of talking about it that we're gonna be confirmed what we believe is true, that we are not lovable, which is ultimately the greatest fear on earth, is that we will not be loved and abandoned. So we don't bring it up. And then we also have shame. Like I should always be having sex all the time and something's wrong with.

Me, and then we also don't have a model of people talking about it.

So we don't know what to do. Yeah, it's not really talked about that much at all, except for you.

Except for me. A few people.

A few people.

I hope more people are.

I know.

Who cheats more in relationships, men or women?

Honestly, it's, I used to think men, all the things, but it's fairly close right now. I think that they're neck and neck.

I think Esther Perel said that just as many women she's hearing in her work are cheating on their husbands as much as men are.

Yeah, and in my unscientific opinion, They.

Just don't get caught.

It's women who don't get caught.

How is that?

Because we're just better at it.

How do you sneak?

How do you lie?

How do you hold back the lie The guilt, the, how do you not show?

I just think that women are, I don't know, that is a great question.

It's almost like women can always tell.

When their man's not, Always, we have that women's intuition. But then, so men are maybe sloppier, I don't know. This is like, this is just my, I don't know how, and women, I don't know if they get away with it, but women, they kind of do. We just cover our tracks, I don't know. But I often, I know a lot of Women, this is again, just friends or listeners. But it is 50/50 and I can't answer why men get caught more than women. This is again, I'd love to see a study on this, but this is my hunch that men maybe, it's always about the phone these days. Although I was watching, what's it called? The show that was in the 50s about advertising. Oh my God. Mad Men. And I remember there was a scene where he was cheating and she got the phone bill like back in the 50s and it was like all these numbers she didn't know. So it's always been the phone. But now the phone could be pop up on the iPad and the messages and all the things.

I know. Maybe the man's not checking the woman's.

Phone as much as the woman's checking the man phone. Yeah, I'm trying to think of what it, I honestly think that women, okay again, there are men like this too, all genders, but women were really good at like re, like we We can read your facial expressions or we're intuitive or what do you mean you didn't come up or what, oh you're, I don't know, we're like the size of the question. We're constantly questioning it, yeah. And I think that it does show a little bit that, you know, there's also, these are also, I don't know how conclusive these studies are, but women, when women cheat, like women leave the relationship, they're more likely to already have someone that men don't often leave until their female partner pushes it to end, like in a marriage or something. Interesting. Yeah, I hate to talk in stereotypes like this because I think it's a case by case basis, but I do think that cheating is common for everybody and it's not necessarily because the sex isn't great. Again, there's a lot of other reasons why people cheat. And what I talk about a lot is what I would love to see is I think monogamy works for so many people. Monogamy is great until death do us part. Great, we're together forever. But for many people, it just isn't. And I know, and people think, oh, that's so crazy. If my partner was sleeping with someone else, I'd go insane. Well, it's not for you. But for some people, they don't think it's okay, or they don't know how it would work. But I know a lot of people in really long-term open relationships, and it doesn't mean you just go bang someone. Honey, I'm not coming home tonight. I met someone really great at the bar. It doesn't work like that. It's like, okay, so these are my, because okay, let's go back to the yes, no, maybe. Maybe I really want to be spanked or tied up. And you're just, you're like, I don't feel great about that. I grew up in a home where there was a lot of, I'm like, okay, how would you feel if once a week or once a month, once a quarter, like I think everyone needs a sex, we'll talk about that business plan for your sex life, but once a quarter, I went out and I did this thing. And then what do you want fulfilled? And you just sort of have, and the people I know in open relationships, and there's all, there's like There's swingers and there's threesomes and there's just all different things. They practice this rigorous communication and they talk about everything. And they don't, sure they get jealous, but then they sort of learn to sort of transcend that because something happens called compersion. Compersion is when I actually get pleasure because I love you so much that you had pleasure.

No, I love-- Really?

Absolutely, this is what happens if that's the case.

So it's like transcending jealousy into compersion.

Compersion. Never heard of that. Your pleasure, I love you so much and I trust you and I'm glad.

You went and got spanked tonight. I'm glad you went and, you know. That's like a whole nother elevated human right there. Not even, yeah. How does someone, I mean, I feel like on both sides, men and women, it'd be hard for men to allow that to happen to their female partner. And I think the fear of, I won't speak in every woman, but I think the fear of abandonment for a lot of women is high. And if you're gonna go off and have this crazy wild experience with some younger, hotter, whatever girl, will you still wanna be with me? Is it safe and secure?

Well, it happens for many people, but I should also clarify that when these open relationships work, they don't start open. You are in a really solid place. I have so many people call into my show and say, We've been together 10 years and we've opened it up in the last five years we've been swinging. I don't, most people that I know or that call in, my listeners, they had a really solid foundation and they talked about it for months. They have rules. They have boundaries. Like, there's no kissing, there's no sleepovers. If you're with somebody, it's only once. And since you, and you have a contract with your partner.

Is that the way it works for most?

No, there's no most. I hear everything. Some people want the person that they want the same person. Really? Some people don't, they want, it can't be anyone in our town. It can only be when you're traveling. It can only be our neighbor and nobody else. It can only, there's no kissing. You can never sleep over, you can only sleep over, but then don't come home, 'cause, you know, I mean, it's, Wow. But you get, but you might, and when you start at an open relationship journey, you, and you get to just like, it can be messy at the beginning, but you're like, oh, that didn't feel good to me, but you are, Like I said, you practice, you both want this for whatever reason you came to, because we want more variety or actually turns me on to see you with another person, like a lot of, and you'd be surprised, probably your neighbors, there's people that you wouldn't believe like are doing something.

Yeah.

A lot of men like watching their female partners with another, so many Lewises. And I'll bet you a lot of your listeners are like, yeah, I'm into it. It's called cuckolding.

Or what's that?

It's called cuckolding and it's- Cuckolding. Uh-huh, and it's way, I mean, I'm telling you, People all over the country, they call to my show in Midwest and all over. Yep, I'm from Michigan. I have a lot of listeners. Like, we, cuckolding is the act of a man, it's typically a man, who gets his primary turn on, or one of his main turn-ons is watching his wife have his partner have sex with another man. I know, not for me either. Not for you.

Just like in their DNA, it's like this is a turn-on for you.

There's a lot of different reasons. So I hear it all. I mean, and I, you know, the thing about my show is like, no zero judgment. I've heard everything. I'm open as long as it's safe and consensual. But I think that going back to why we cheat, it's like maybe we have a deep desire and either we're too afraid to bring it up or we brought it up and our partner was like, no, I will never allow that.

I will never allow it.

And then you're like, well, this is a part of my core erotic blueprint. Blueprint. This is my erotic theme. This is a really main source of my arousal and you're saying no.

No, you're shutting it down.

It's really hard and then...

So how do you live with that? If you want to be with someone, you love this person, you want to create a family and a life together, you want to live by, you want to make them happy, but you also want to make yourself happy. How do you do both?

Well, there's so many different pieces of the puzzle.

Is it okay to Shut down a desire.

Yes. If you're okay with it.

To be with someone else and you say, okay, I'm gonna accept this. It's not acceptable in this relationship.

All the time.

So I'm gonna kill this part of.

Me and-- Is it a kill or it's just like a let go? A let go.

A let go, this desire.

Yeah. Yeah, no, because that kill is like, oh, it was a deep part of me. But if it's like, you know what? If I never have sex with another person outdoors, Right. I could probably live with that because this person is all these other things. But it's usually not that black and white. Yeah, the riches of the connection and.

The love and the relationship and what we've created. It's not worth ruining.

It's not worth ruining for this fantasy.

Once a year or something, right?

Yeah, interesting. But things can work if we, I just want people to know what is possible. And again, none of this is for everybody, but it's not prescriptive, but monogamy isn't for everybody. That's why half the people cheat. That's why half the marriage is ending divorce, even though we're delaying marriage and getting married later. And sex is often an underlying, like if you don't still have that connection and chemistry, even couples and couples are going to go through it. Like I think as long as you're, you know, it's not always going to be great. Relationships look like this, especially long-term relationships, but the couples I know that make it work, they always come back to, they still are having sex, like their, Really? Because typically, maybe sometimes there's one person who doesn't want it, like I said, but they make it happen or they don't want to have as much sex, but they figure it out because they know that that is the glue. And people will tell you differently, like, oh, we're best friends, we've decided we never need to have sex again, and we're just gonna be, we love, we love our family, love our house. If they're not having sex, eventually that will catch up with them and they will be miserable.

Or one person will want that desire, something like that.

They'll want it. We have to, we are, We are sexual beings. You people are having sex. I mean, I have like an 80-year-old call me in the show the other night and he's got three women and who's she going out with? I mean, it's a different world right now. You know, my mother watched my master class and she's 77 and she's like, you know, Emily, watching your master class, I was really inspired. I actually shaved my leg. She's been my stepdad for 35 years. She's like, I realize I've been kind of lazy during quarantine and I shaved my legs. Mom, I'm so glad you were inspired because we always need to remember that that's, you know, they're very happy. They have a wonderful relationship, but, you know, he's 85, she's 70s, but it still is important because then otherwise we're roommates.

What's the- what's the craziest story you've heard in the last 15 years of doing this work where you were just, it shocked you. You were like, no, this is, like, you've heard everything. Nothing's off limits. you're welcoming people sharing crazy stuff all the time to make it more normalized. So what is the one or two things that come to mind that was like, wow, this person- oh, I get.

Asked this question and then whenever I get asked it, I say, I really need a better answer for it because to me, nothing is crazy. But I can tell you something that happened, and again, I usually, this happened recently. Do you mean like a crazy sex act? Like, well, here's something. Okay, so there's a couple. This woman called into my show and she said she had a crush. Because what I love about what I do is because people can call in and then they call back and they're like, well, hey, this worked, this didn't work. So we're all, like the community, we're all in it together, sort of helping each other. So she called in and she said, I don't know what to do. I have a crush on my, this is kind of, we're gonna need to, on my ex-husband's wife.

A woman on the woman.

She's like, I just, we have this connection. We spend a lot of time together because she's essentially raising my kids. She's been with my husband for years.

We're at the park together, my kids.

We'Re, and I think she feels it too.

That is crazy.

And she said, and I even told my husband, 'cause she's remarried. She's like, I even told my husband that we have a thing. And he said, you know, he was kind of okay, but like thought it would be, you know. So then she calls back a few months later. Oh, so then, yeah, she calls back a few minutes later and says, you,'ll never believe what's happening. And this happened during quarantine.

She said, Don't tell me they both got divorced.

We're in a throuple. The wife, the girlfriend, left her ex, left her husband, her ex-husband, and now the three of them, the husband, the wife, and then the ex-wife, 'cause she said to me on the first call.

She said, the ex-husband's wife left the husband.

To go for his ex-wife. So the two ex-wives are now together and the husband. And it was this night sound like oh the new husband, not the ex-husband. Yes, the new husband. The ex-husband's alone and sad. Oh my god. He's alone and sad. And the other crazy thing is that the woman was like, I feel this woman that I have a crush on, she's married to my ex and this is a whole nother show, but she's like the same, it's he's my ex-husband is an asshole or a jerk, you know, everyone thinks that, but he's doing.

The same things to her They're almost bonded together because of the experience, the shared experience.

Because people do, listen, we're all gonna repeat patterns if we don't work on ourselves.

We don't heal it.

We don't heal it, you gotta heal the trauma, that's just gonna keep going. So he was like a, he was controlling, he was OCD, judgmental, all the things.

So she would complain to the other girl about what the ex-husband was doing to her, and they were like, yeah, he did that to me, and they were connecting, and they were like, oh.

So over a period of, yeah, exactly. Yeah, it was over here a few years. So, I mean, at the end, I'm like, yeah, then your ex, the ex-husband needs to know to go do some work, you know? Anyway, that was a pretty entertaining, that was a pretty unique scenario.

And the new husband was cool with.

The, yeah, see, this is what I'm telling you, Louis, that people are not open to things that you think.

Were the women having a relationship by themselves?

No, the man sometimes joins, but they all have an arrangement. They sleep in the same bed. This is crazy. This is not the first call I've gotten. Not about the threeple as a whole, you know, me thing.

Wow.

Yeah. I mean, I know, it sounds, yeah, that was pretty like, oh, like, oh my, we're like following along with her journey. And I'm like, she called back six months later and this is what happened. So, I kind of think of what I hear that, but to me, Louis, everything is like, I've heard everything. I don't think that any people, what I love is that people feel safe to call me and it's like, it's all okay as long as it It's people have certain, okay, so here's someone called in, this isn't crazy, but you just might find this interesting. This was last night, her husband has a hair-cutting fetish. A fetish is something different than a fantasy or a kink that's required for arousal. Like people have a latex fetish or a foot fetish. Like it's almost like, so you need.

The fetish in order to be aroused. Or you won't be sexually aroused without it.

I think it would be my best arousal state unless there is, I can't massage your feet. I gotta massage your feet. They have to be somehow involved in your arousal.

Otherwise, maybe you'll be turned on but not fully turned on.

Not fully turned on. That's a fetish. That's like a, and you could be like, oh, I kinda like feet. Sometimes we do that. So that's the difference. So this woman called in, she's been with her husband for 17 years. I believe she was in Ohio and she said, oh age. L.A. I know, right. I'm from Michigan, right? Exactly. So she said, haircut fetish, and the problem is we're in quarantine and I'm not getting my hair cut as much, and my hair was really short, and now it's growing and I like it and my sisters like it, but I love my husband so much. What do I do? And it was just interesting, I had heard that one once before, but like she's like, the haircut, she said, but I see it.

He cuts it.

Well, usually someone else cuts it, but he comes and she goes, and I see he's never as turned on as.

He is when I'm getting a haircut. Oh my gosh.

So she can't grow her hair out. She can't grow hair. She's like, what do you do? I'm like, buy wigs. I said, why don't you go buy a bunch of wigs and you could also take it to the next place and be like, not only am I blonde tonight in this lawn chair, but I'm also gonna dress apart and become my alter ego. Like these are things that couples do to like kind of, it's kind of hot to wear a wig. I once had a woman tell me she was working at a, a department store. I think I was like somewhere like in New York buying something. Because everybody as you can imagine opens up to when they hear what I do. They're like, oh, let me tell you something. And she was probably 65 years old at Bloomingdale's working the makeup counter and I was buying something and I said, I'm going out to a conference or something. She said, what do you do? I said, oh, I'm a sex doctor, sex therapist. She said, honey, I got the best advice for you. I said, what? What? Because I always want to know. She's like, wear a wig. And I was like, and what she meant, what she was saying is we all crave variety. We all want something different. It's gonna happen after a while. If I give you this chicken every single night for dinner, you'd be like, can we please order pizza? And so if every night, and then you just sort of surprise your partner and you're wearing something different, you sort of plan to role play, and all this might sound kind of silly, or oh, we would laugh, fine, laugh, sexy. this is fun and funny, and then you get into a different, maybe you could, maybe some couples or people have called in and said, yeah, I took your advice. I dress as something different, and I actually was able to channel, like, my insecurities that I usually have. I felt different. I felt sexier. I felt like I could take control because I wasn't me, and my partner could sort of connect with me on a different level. And so these are just, I have so many of these different hacks. It's different for everyone, but, you know, Don't give up on it, you know?

Don't give up. What about someone's, what about if someone's struggling with orgasm? How do we not force enough? We forget gender. Women or men?

Both. What if both are like, I'm just.

Not able to have an orgasm anymore. It's harder and harder and I, no matter what I try, are they overthinking it?

I don't think that sex should be all about orgasm. We place way too much emphasis on orgasm. I mean, it's important, But what I've found is there's a lot of different reasons why we can't orgasm and that's also, there's like 20 different reasons. It could be you're on medication, you're stressed out, you only can orgasm when you're alone but when with your partner you haven't shown them what you like yet. You have pain. There's a lot of different reasons. You have shame. You have pain and shame and so if you can't orgasm, which Which.

Now.

Can'T orgasm or like, okay, so it is different for the genders, so we could break it down. I mean, some women orgasm, like I don't think there's anyone who can't have an orgasm. I think we can always have an orgasm, but we just haven't gotten there yet. But very few people can't anymore. Maybe they can't during penetration, but I have to say this every day, and people are shocked that only 20% of women orgasm during penetration. 20% and it's because your penis is nowhere near clitoris and there's not enough arousal and foreplay and there's not enough touching and or maybe my love language is words and I need you to tell me all these things about me and I need you to slowly kiss my neck and warm me up but when we just go right for penetration, no way will I have an orgasm and most women orgasm from mouths and fingers and hands and toys, not a penis. So And then for men who can't orgasm, it's typically other things. It's usually, do you want to go off on it all? Sure. Okay, you know, this is like, go for it. Men can't orgasm because, Is it loss of testosterone?

Is it stress? Everything.

Testosterone, stress. As men get older, they lose testosterone. But it can also be because they're used to masturbating to porn. So when they're alone, they use a certain grip.

If they don't have the same tension. Tighter tension.

Yeah.

Doesn't, I won't orgasm. Yeah, but you can figure it, there's hacks to everything, Lois. You can hack your sex life.

What is mindful masturbation?

Mindful masturbation. Mindful masturbation is a great practice for discovery and learning to slow everything down.

Is it something you do yourself or with someone else?

You can do it either way. That's mutual. I love mutual. How about a mutual mindful masturbation? Mutual masturbation is the next thing. There you go. Mindful masturbation.

With Morris.

What'd you say?

The fourth one with Beverly Morris.

Exactly, right. There you go. Write it down. So, what I love about mindful masturbation is you actually go into it with a goal of not orgasming. The goal is to explore. The goal is to take time, you take half hour, whatever it is, you lock the door, you know the kids aren't coming in, your roommate, and you just get curious. And you set the atmosphere like you're on a date with yourself. Whatever it is that gets you in the mood, you light candles, you play music, and you're just like, I'm gonna get curious about my body and what feels good to me. Because we have so many nerve endings on our body that we don't even just, we all know the primary erogenous zones, But there's like the nape of your neck, your inner thigh, your inner elbow, like for many women. There's just a room for a man. Yeah, right here, like this part can feel really good to touch. And then you just sort of get curious and you breathe a lot, there's a lot of breath work and you breathe. I mean, breath and masturbation, that's why I say meditate, masturbate, manifest. But there's a lot of things that are breathing that are so important with sex. So you just kind of breathe and you just sort of pay attention to all the sensations that your body, you essentially tease yourself or edge yourself. And then you just sort of, the goal of it is to be mindful and curious about what feels good to you. Now, I'm cool if you have orgasms and you go for it, but the great thing about it is that a lot of us just assume that the way we orgasm now is the only way. Like, I only had an orgasm this way and I'm never going to try anything else. And this is a great way to discover, like, can I have a nipple orgasm? How does it feel?

What's a nipple orgasm? A nipple orgasm.

A nipple orgasm, very common. But a lot of women don't even know they can have it.

It's just having pleasure on the nipples. And you have an orgasm.

Yeah.

Zero arousal, zero touching in the genital.

Yep. In fact, there's the same region of your brain, it's called the sensory cortex, the general, what is it called? Oh my god, my brain, the something sensory cortex of your brain. So your clitoris and your nipple, we didn't even say clitoris yet. Your clitoris and your nipples are both, they both send brain weight patterns to the same part of the brain. So your arousal is stimulated this part of the brain. So it is similar to the nipples and the clitoris. So sometimes you could do both at the same time. But women don't often, they think it's not possible. They think they can only have one orgasm. Majority of women can be multi-orgasmic.

Really?

Yeah.

How many other places can women have an orgasm? Nipple.

Nipple. Is this allowed in your shower?

We've never talked about this stuff, but where else?

Dude, well, this is good.

Yeah, opening up.

Listen, people need to know. Listen, my whole mission is to get people to prioritize their pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So this is it. We need more pleasure. Let's talk about it. Nipple orgasm, yes. I mean, some women, and they might even know this, but then their partner maybe they never explored on their own during mindful masturbation, or and use some lube, just get curious about it. And maybe after you already have an orgasm, then your nipples will be more sensitive and then you can have another orgasm. I mean, I'm not saying it's for every woman, but they're pretty common. There's a nipple orgasm, there is an internal orgasm, an external orgasm. There are- what's the difference between internal and external?

Well, some people call it the G-spot.

Oh, you mean int, gotcha. Internal sex. But for men, prostate. the prostate is, I'm telling you, for men you can- you- can have an.

Orgasm through the prostate?

Oh yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Very sensitive, huh? Yes. No, Louis, it's like a lot of men, like, I know it's for exiting, makes me gay, Sex act does not make you gay. What happens is the prostate is kind of like the male G-spot. And it's an internal, there's kind of like the same way you find the internal, we could get back to the G-spot, but for many men using a finger, using a toy, and just exploring there, they have the most intense orgasms. Yes. Oh, I should have brought you an anal toy.

Okay, there you go.

So yeah, and so what I love is in the last last 15 years, like, what I've seen is it used to be like straight men were like, nope, nope. And then now they're kind of like, oh, I hear what you're saying. Yeah, and it can help men who have premature ejaculation or men who can't orgasm. Like, that's always gonna do it. And the men that I know that have experienced it, they're just like, it's next level orgasm. It blows their minds.

Okay. So your partner can use a fig, yeah. What's more of a challenge for most men from your understanding in your show experience premature ejaculation or unable to ejaculate.

Or take- Delayed ejaculation.

Delayed ejaculation.

What do we call it?

What happens? What's more frequent?

I would say I hear about premature ejaculation more often.

What is premature? Is this in a minute?

A minute or less.

A minute or less.

Yep.

I don't even know how you do that.

Yeah.

Good. So this isn't your first time.

That's crazy.

Yeah. It's really hard.

Especially with the same person for years. Years?

No.

I was with someone, I wonder if this is why I do what I do, but when like a very long time ago, 20 years ago before I did this, 'cause I didn't, this was my like second career. I was with someone who was like premature ejaculator for like two years. Yeah, it's very common.

Every couple minute. Less than two minutes.

Shut up. Yeah. Every time for two years.

I know, I was focused on other things.

I wasn't as, I wasn't where I'm at, I mean, I was like, I didn't know this. I don't, that's crazy. Well, so it's very common. So what was your question about it?

Why do men, or is it, or why, or how do they, what is.

More common, premature or delayed? Premature is more common. Really? But I hear more and more delayed lately too. And delayed's trickier because they just don't know why, but sometimes they can when they're, you can solve all of it. You can get through all of it.

We can get into all of it if you want. We have all the guides, the strategy for which one. For premature, what's the strategy that a man and a woman to take on to support it, delaying five to 10, 15 minutes.

There's a few things and we have a great downloadable on our site that's like a guide to this. It's called the Guide to Edging. And this goes back to mindful masturbation for a minute because for many men, to what I would tell men who are premature ejaculators, I would say, do some mindful masturbation, meaning you need to start to understand your ejaculatory control. So when you're masturbating, 'Cause usually men who are premature ejaculators don't have the same problem when they're alone. So one thing I say is to edge yourself, meaning-- When you feel it, hold it back. Hold it back. You get to a 10, so 10's orgasm, one is I'm sleeping, whatever. Then you get to an eight and then you bring it back down. And then you keep doing that so.

You get to sort of start to.

Understand-- It's like training for your own-- Training, it's literally training. Men could do stretches in their pelvic floor. Men can also also do their kagels. If you do come too quickly or you can't get there before your partner, you know, a lot of times it's anxiety, it's a pattern. So, you know, everything is patterning our response, our react in our life, like how we go through life, our reactions to things, our traumas, it's all patterns. The same thing happens with your ejaculation. So, if you're a guy who maybe it was just one time, it was the first time you had sex, you got there too quick. It might now, you're so nervous the next time you have sex, it keeps.

Happening, we gotta break the pattern. It's the other way. You hold it for an hour. Delayed ejaculation.

Because you're embarrassed or whatever. Yeah, you're afraid someone's gonna walk in and you don't ejaculate. So this is all also dealing with your anxiety, working on like what is it? Are you on medications? You know what's happening? But if you do come to circle back to that too quickly, just take the attention off yourself and give it to your partner. I'm sure, like if you're with a woman, she'd love you to go down on her. But when we take it off Of ourselves and we can kind of we're giving, then you're like, oh, I can go again.

Or, you know.

Right.

What's the biggest challenge you've faced in the last 15 years sexually that you've had to overcome? For me, what have I? Personally, the thing you've had to overcome.

The most that you struggle with. Oh, God. I struggled with everything. No, I didn't. I was like, okay, I'll tell you. How much time do we have, Louis? You know they say research is me-search. Research is me-search. I say that. Like you, you, I believe that we get into, like you've started this podcast, right, to learn from people. Of course, yeah.

Of course.

And I found myself not that satisfied with sex, very like confused. I was like, everyone's always saying when you have sex, it's gonna be amazing. And I thought everyone was having orgasms all the time and I wasn't. And so when I started the podcast, I was not a sex expert. I just was curious and I invited a bunch of people over and interviewed them about their sex life. And I came to find out that most women weren't orgasming during penetration and there was like, you know, all this stuff. So what have I learned is I've learned how to, I have multiple orgasms. So these are like, my channel, I could have so many orgasms. Before you couldn't.

I could have one.

Right.

But now you can have multiple.

Yeah. I couldn't have, I never had one with a partner and now I still- you- never had one with a partner.

No, no, no.

Sorry. Not, I wasn't as much- Maybe just a few times, but during penetration, it wasn't as easy, let's just say. It was, but now I know exactly what I need to do and how to communicate it. So I think what I've learned is, I'm better at everything, communicating with my partners. I used to just think that sex was about pleasing men. Like, I thought it was about my partner's pleasure, and if they were satisfied, it didn't matter if I was satisfied. And I've just, I've learned all about my body. I've learned, I've done everything that I tell people to do. I've tried myself and I've worked through. So just being more communicative, more open, more experiential, I won't yuck your yum, you know? Someone won't yuck my yum. That's what we say in sex a lot. Like if I'm like, oh, I really like this. If my partner's like, I really want to be tied up, I won't be like, ew. You know, I'd be like, oh, okay, tell me more about that. Because then we're just, we already have so much shame and maybe trauma going into sex that we have to just be supportive, loving partners. So I think I'm a much better lover, like giver and receiver. I just, I understand. No one knows anatomy, no one teaches us about anything, you know, so I.

Just have to guess and figure it out along the way.

Right, I mean sex education in America, it's only 17, only 17 states require it to be medically If they teach it at all.

I think I saw like one video when I was in middle school or something and that was it.

Yeah, it was probably horrifying, like don't get someone pregnant, don't get an STD, have a nice life.

There's a condom.

Yeah, that's not, that's not it. It was like, okay, figure it out. But what if they taught pleasure?

What if they taught consent?

Wow.

A game changer. How does a woman... For women who maybe struggle having one orgasm, how do they have multiple orgasms? if they're thinking, oh, this is never gonna happen for me, never happened for you, but then you learn how to do it. What's the process? Is it psychological?

Is it everything? Sex is always everything. It's always psychological and emotional and you need a good space and hormones. What time of month is it? You know, that's the other thing that we don't. And I cover so much of this. I mean, I've done, as you know, like, probably, like, you, thousands and thousands of podcasts on all of these subjects, but it's like, so multiple orgasms for women. Here's the great news, is that women have the clitoris, right? And the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, twice that of a penis. Okay? So just take that in from it. And the only reason it exists is for pleasure.

No.

Yes.

It doesn't exist for any other reason.

No other reason.

To be pleased.

To be pleased. Well, maybe to give us an incentive. Maybe it was like, you know, evolutionary speaking, so we would be into sex. so we could have pleasure and an orgasm. But also, the clitoris isn't just about the little bud at the opening of the vaginal opening. It actually has legs called crura that extend behind the internally. So they're sort of like where the labia is, they're sort of behind the labia internally. So for a woman to have an orgasm, typically it's external, right? So they're gonna use their fingers or they're gonna use a toy or their partner's gonna do something to them, go down on them, and that's a great way to have a first orgasm. And so our refractory period is a lot quicker than men. Refractory period mean time that you can get up and go again. Like for many men, they ejaculate and they're like, I'm out.

You're tired.

Ouch.

All the energy's gone.

Done. Like tomorrow, 24 hours. Like maybe Saturday. For women, if we just knowing this, I love this because I just love to give women permission and nothing again, everyone's different, but what I found is that it's possible. And so then maybe you have an orgasm, whether you're with yourself or a partner, and then you just continue to breathe and maybe you, for some women after they have an external clitoral orgasm, they start to become their nerve endings inside their It becomes more engorged, more swollen. They're with blood, their labia, their clitoris, internally we start to swell because of the erectile tissues and everything just starts to swell and you get more aroused. But maybe it hurts to still cut, you just want to need a beat. So then you start to maybe this is when you go play with the nipples or you start to play with your labia and you use lube, use your fingers, use a toy. There is nothing shameful about toys. It's just, if you think about it, if you have 8,000 nerve endings, why not in all these pleasure zones on our body? Why not just play with temperature, hot, cold, vibration? So anyway, maybe bringing in a toy or touching yourself in a different area because once you've kind of lit that match of the clitoris, of the clitoral ling, everything else is more aroused, blood's flowing, you're like turned on, and so maybe it's a matter of like rubbing your labia, bringing in a toy, putting a finger inside, and then you're just breathing. You're breathing through the experience, and you're not already checked out because we talk about patterning. A lot of women assume, like, I'm done, I'm out. Let's go to dinner. But if you give yourself time and permission to see what's possible, it's like a game changer. Like, I have people all the time. I'd say everyone who's worked for me, like, I've had so many interns and people over the years. I remember multiple Oh yeah, they still text. Guess what, I had a vaginal, yeah, I mean, because I, I, I, we like get 50 pounds of sex toys in the office too a week. And I'm like, your job is to try this toy, but they come in and they ask me questions. I really want to empower women. We don't, we don't talk, because we don't, well, first off, not only don't we talk to our partners about it.

But we don't even talk to our friends about it.

Really? Women don't talk about it to each other? Barely. They're like, I had sex, I didn't have sex. But now I think it's changing. What I hope is that it's changing and that more women are talking about masturbation. But if you think about it, like American Pie, like all all the movies growing up, men are masturbating. It's like a thing that they do, but women, good women, don't. Or we grew up in a religion where it was shamed. You're not supposed to masturbate. So, but masturbation is the key to figuring out your body what feels good. Like whether it's mindful or you hit it and quit it, I don't care how you do it, but masturbation is just important whether you're in a relationship or out of a relationship. So that's what I learned in 15 years. I masturbated, but I didn't really do the discovery process. And now I just sort of, I get it, I know. We are all walking around these incredible bodies with so much possibility and we just scratch the surface. We don't even know. No one tells us.

Why do you think religions or parents have made masturbation a bad thing for kids and people?

I mean, religion, I don't even mean that's just because, you know, I think control over women's bodies and energy and it should only be for procreation. And I mean, there's, I mean it goes back, I think so much about sex and religion are tied up and you would know more than I would because I know you grew up in, I mean, I don't know what you're, I mean, I do know, I do know that it's just like, it's control. So saying that you can only have sex in a way that can have more kids are going to benefit the church or that that sex is sinful and wrong. And I think if you go back to Adam and Eve, Eve was a temptress. She made him bite the apple and that's her fault, right? So I feel like a lot of it goes back to shaming women and our bodies and the whole goddess and there's a lot of reasons why. Now, parents though, I could talk about, we don't have to get into religion. But parents, what I can tell you is it's because they don't know either.

So they don't understand it. So they're scared of it or they're.

They think it's wrong or oh God, my kids, when I try to talk to my 15-year-old about sex, they just go, oh mom, I don't want to hear it. But like, that's because we don't do it. We don't ever talk about it. But there's only, there's a few countries like in the Netherlands, not many, where they actually start teaching consent and sex-ed when kids are five. They're not saying go out and have sex, here's what you do. It's like your body, your temple, consent. Here's the body parts. They even teach them like in third grade, if you start to get feelings for somebody of the opposite sex, they talk about it. They talk about it.

Organize it. They normalize it.

Yeah.

We don't make it a scary thing. We make it really scary. And so our parents of kids, they don't understand it either. But I've had a lot of great breakthroughs. A lot of my listeners are like, I finally did it. I talked to my daughter. I talked to my son. It was weird. But because it's okay for a parent to say, you know what? My parents didn't talk to me about it. This conversation is uncomfortable for me too, and I'm still discovering and learning, but I want to tell you like, here's how your body works, or I want to listen to this podcast, read this book together. Let's learn together. It's not shameful. You know, it's just we're setting kids up not for sex, we're not setting them up for success. Yeah. Sex success.

Sex success. What's One thing you wish men would understand about their female partner more and one thing you wish women would understand about their, if they're in a female-male relationship.

That's a good question.

That would help them thrive better and be more compassionate and loving.

Such a good question. Okay, one thing. I think that men, I want to tell men, that she comes first. There's two things that popped in my head.

Literally, she comes first.

Literally, she comes first. There was a wonderful book written by Dr. Ian Kerner. I think it just had its 20-year anniversary, and it's called She Comes First. Because men are gonna orgasm.

And then they're done.

They're done. Yeah. Women are slow cookers, and men are frying pans. You get aroused, you're ready to go. Women have more of a responsive desire. We need to be warmed up. We gotta heat us up. Foreplay. Foreplay is not just like a light suggestion. It's actually a requirement. For many women, again, we're all different, but we wanna, whether it's even words or I needed a massage or a bath for us, like we have to take a while to get warmed up. So I would say that, figure out, so that's just I mean, she comes first because it's gonna come back to you. Like the more that you understand her body, she's not gonna be like, oh, I'm not gonna please you. And I think just the way you look at, this is where I can say that we are very different. The way we get aroused is different for men and women. So I would say the one thing I want you to know is that you gotta focus on, you know, her first.

Her first.

Yeah.

I think I would, yeah. What else you got to say?

It would make things a lot better, yeah.

Yeah, focus on her first and then find out what turns her on and talk about it.

Okay, so- Is it for women?

I think for women, what do men-.

What do men want and need more from women that you're hearing they're not getting?

I think that men need more attention. They want you to, this is again, we're talking heterosexual relationships.

Yes.

They want to know that you're into sex. They want you to initiate. They want you to lead sometimes. And they want you to be, you know, I guess I'm just thinking about men who come to me. Usually it's about their penis. They're worried about their penis size. They're going through all the things. And then the, yeah, they're worried about, they're so, men worry so much about their penis. Yes. Really? Yes. And I'm telling you that women do not, it's because I remember what I said, not about your penis. If you're a good lover and you do all these things, it's really not about that. So I think that what men need is, I think they want to know that their partner's into sex. It's that she's not just doing it to get it over with, that she's actually enthusiastic and that she cares and she cares about his pleasure and that sometimes maybe she'll initiate or have ideas about it. What do you think? I'm trying to think, it's a great question because mostly it's about men worried about their self. themselves, but they need attention from women and enthusiasm and participation.

I think so.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm trying to think. I mean, I feel. I feel pretty good in my relationship right now. I'm trying to think of past relationships that weren't working sexually, maybe, but. And I've also not been, like, married in a long term after, you know, a few years in a relationship. So I'm not sure what that looks like 10 years down the road once you've had kids and what the needs are. I feel like they're going. shift a lot of that.

Yeah, but that's why I want people to get ahead of it because if sex, talking about sex becomes just like you're talking about where are we going on our summer vacation? How are we going to raise our kids? What religion? What are our values? Sex becomes part of it so it's not awkward. It's just like, oh, baby, we haven't had sex so let's do that. It just becomes part of everything. Like when you're not feeling like you're taking care of yourself nutritionally, you're like, I gotta get better, I gotta eat more greens, you know? So that's I feel like we could get ahead of it if we covered it. We don't wait until there's a crisis.

Is there anything we shouldn't say when we're courting someone in the first few weeks of dating them? Is there anything we should not talk about when it comes to sex? Should we not say in the first night, you know, this is my sexual fantasy. Are you either in or you out?

It depends on the partner. I think that sometimes, okay, so where we're at now and today in 2020, I think that since I'm telling you that most people have never talked about sex, And they probably have some judgment around it and shame and it's hard for them or trauma that if you just met someone and you're out for a first date and you're like, I just wanna be clear that this is my fantasy and I'm really into bondage, are you down? Now, that might, okay, so it could go two ways. It might be great 'cause if you're with someone who freaks out and she runs out the door.

That's good.

Listen, she's saving you a lot of time. If you brought it up, it's probably 'cause That's something you really need. But I think like everything, it's like some people have like overshare, they do too much. I just think Baby Steps is okay. So I think it's okay to say, you know, are you someone that, do you like pleasure? Do you like sex? Do you, you know, but I don't know that you leave. Just like, I don't think on the first date I should get into all my like trauma, my childhood stuff. Like let's get to, it's not like, you know what I'm saying? We want to be like everything. You gotta like get to know somebody. Yeah. But I don't know what it wouldn't be, but I think mostly we don't even talk about it. This is the problem is that we, I don't know what you shouldn't say. I hate to like tell people, I don't know.

I think- you- gotta feel it out.

Be honest.

Yeah, you gotta feel it out.

Feel it out, but don't wait too long. I think that right when you have sex with someone is the time to start talking about it. So how was that? What do you think?

Like what- what do you like more of?

Yeah.

I do not like.

It seemed like when we were having sex, you were about to orgasm, but did you, I'm not sure, tell me what you, like, what feels good to you? Did you like when I was doing that? Not in the bedroom, this is like the next morning at breakfast. Not right after, how was that for you? I thought it was so hot when you were doing this thing and that.

Felt like it felt good. Did that feel good? I mean, just- But not in the bed right at five minutes afterwards.

No, I prefer- Someone's gonna get hurt or emotionally- I think so, I think they do, they do, I mean, I know so, but I mean, it depends.

If you're in a long-term solid place, you guys get to decide. I'm just giving you what I've seen's worked overall.

These years.

We've got an amazing show, Sex with Emily, that talks about all these things and has lots of great questions from listeners calling in. You also have a master class.

Master class, yeah.

That just came out that people need to get.

So yeah, we have a couples course coming out in February. What's it called? It's called, I don't know what it's called yet, but it's really like all these conversation starters for couples. It's exercises for couples too. Wherever you're at, it's a lot of things I'm talking about, like to set the spark. Like it's first covering your roadblocks. What are the three areas where you're not communicating? Clearing those out. And then I walk you through how to communicate about sex. It just had all these different steps in it. It's like my best stuff in there. I'm very excited about it. I don't have a title for you. It is, it is. But also on my site right now, which we have a bunch of downloadables, quizzes, quizzes, everything.

Great guides. Tools. All free or stuff's free at just sexwithemily.com, the podcast Sex with them. We need the master class. What's the master class called?

It's called Emily Morse Teaches Sex and Communication. Let's bring it. And then I have a show on Sirius XM five nights a week, which is separate. You're a machine. Five to seven p.m. Monday through Friday. It's the only call and show for with about sex.

I mean about anything. And then you have a podcast that's different.

Yeah.

Wow.

I'm busy.

It might be different when this comes.

I mean, Who knows what happens?

We renegotiate my contracts up, so I'm.

Like trying to figure it out. Yeah. But lots of things over at sexwithemily.com, you can get access to that. I got a couple final questions for you.

Okay. And people can also email me with questions.

Feedback@sexwithemily.com.

They get on your show by asking questions somewhere? Yeah, they can call in. They can call in. They call into my Sirius show and then now we also do it. So just call in and or email me. They call into Sirius and then we can put that, sometimes we put those listen to the podcast and they just go to my website and you'll see how you do it. But they can call or email or social media, you know. I get hundreds of questions a day. Everywhere. That's fun.

That's fun.

Super fun.

I love my job. Couple, what do you wish more people.

Asked you that they don't ask you?

About sex?

Uh huh. Huh, that's a good question.

What do I wish they asked me? What's the thing people should be asking.

More of that they're not? That's a great way to put it. I think that people should be asking about. I wish that people got more curious. Sometimes we just put, people always call in like my partner, they're blaming others, and I wish that people got more curious. --You look in the mirror first. --Yeah. I wish people got more curious about themselves, and they weren't trying to fix other people, but they were like --He won't do this.

She doesn't do this. They don't do that. It's like, yeah.

Take a look in the mirror. --Exactly. Yeah. I wish we started there. And I wish that people just thought more about their own pleasure because if we all understand our bodies were much better lovers to each other.

That's good. This question is called the Three Truths. I'll ask everyone at the end this question. So it's a hypothetical question. Imagine it's your last day on earth many years away from now. You get to live as long as you want to live but then at one point you got to turn the lights off and you got to go to the next place. And you've accomplished everything you want to accomplish. transform millions of lives sexually and their relationships. You've done all the books, the podcast, everything you want to do, it's happened. But for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your content with you. All of your written word, audio, video, it has to go to the next place. So no one has access to any more of this information. None of it. It's gone. Hypothetical. Okay.

Okay.

But you get to leave behind three things you know to be true from the lessons you've learned in life. three lessons that you would share with the world based on your experience? What would you say are those three things for you?

About my work, the three things are- Just about life.

Like three lessons you've learned.

Oh, just in life?

Yeah. What are the three biggest lessons you've learned that you would want to leave behind?

This is hard. Wherever you go, there you are. Can you have any of you like things like that? Like, that's not my own. But is this about, wait, you're saying it's about me? I just feel like that's the thing, like you've got to pull, like a geographic or move around that like lessons in your life, like wherever you are, we are the same, you know, figure out your own stuff where you're at. Mindfulness works, meditation works, like don't around, just do it. To me, that is a game changer and that so much, if you, your mind will control you if you don't learn to understand your mind.

That's true. That's powerful. Okay, number three.

I would just be able to prioritize their pleasure, really. Pleasure is your birthright. And we all deserve to have pleasure. And we prioritize so many other things: work, family, home, and usually we put ourselves last. That's a good one. I've never heard that one.

Prioritize your pleasure.

Yeah, that's my mission statement.

Prioritize your pleasure.

Yeah. That's great. Pleasure positive. Prioritize your pleasure. I'm all about pleasure because we don't, especially now, we need more pleasure. We're like, well, I'll get to that once I finish this, and then I deserve sex, or then I deserve, it can be pleasure however you look at it, but I would say prioritize your pleasure and yeah, because it matters, and if we don't have that, then we're just working and dead.

We're just dead, we're dead.

Put that first one should be first. That should be the first one, yeah, yeah. Well, don't you feel good when you're more pleasure in your life, whatever that is?

Yeah. Like, what does that look like for you? You know? Yeah, and I think of just joy in general, like having a joyful life, pleasure for me. It doesn't have to be sexual, but that's nice too.

I'm not just talking about, because you said not just sex, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I could give you my three sex lessons, but I think I already did.

Sure, this is great though. One final question for you Emily, before I ask it, I want to acknowledge you for a moment for the mission you're on. I think so many people are suffering from a lack of sex education, a lack of sexual healing, sexual shame, sexual misunderstanding, and just hurt and pain around sex. And the fact that you've dedicated your life to this for 15 years and you show up every week for men and women and all human beings to help them solve this problem is such a massive gift. And so even though this isn't something that we talk about a lot on the podcast, I thought it was necessary to have you here and really help people. Even if this helps one person listening, it's worth it from unlocking their shame or their pain to having some type of healing. And I know there's a famous song, Sexual Healing, but it's important for people that have been locked in a prison of their sexual shame. So I acknowledge you for making the uncomfortable more comfortable.

It wasn't so bad.

Yeah, for being able to communicate it in ways that people can understand it, for being able to create tools and trainings and free things and podcasts and shows and classes so people can consume it. And I think it's great that you're doing it. So I appreciate that. -Thank you, Lewis. -Of course.

-Thanks for having me. I'm super proud about you and all the work you're doing too. People love you. You are inspiring so many people and you do the same exact stuff, but if, you know, around around everything. I love the way you interview too. It's just very listenable and there's always, you're just, you're patient.

You're good at this stuff. I appreciate it.

I appreciate it. But can I say one more thing? You could add this or not. I have one more question. You just thought me about, you were saying about, hopefully this will help one person. I'm gonna say that I think that since we don't look at this part, I believe that when we heal ourselves sexually, whatever that looks like, we will heal so many other parts of our life. Sometimes we think that there's other things wrong, we are holding on to stuff. And once we kind of get into it, and that's why the master class is great for that, or like, site, whatever podcast, you'll realize that like this was the problem all along. But since no one's pointing it out, they're like, I should change my diet, I should do that. You're like, what about your relationship to yourself and your body and your self-image? And once you heal that, you know, more pleasure.

That's good, yeah. Final question for you. What's your definition of greatness?

Oh, my definition of greatness is.

Be.

Kind and work hard and stick with your beliefs, surround yourself with good people, communicate your mission, give as much as you receive. In fact, give more than you receive. That's a great, great, greatness, good person.

There you go. Emily Morris, thank you so much. Appreciate it.

Thank you for having me.

Appreciate it.

Good to see you.

Thank you so, so much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it, make sure to share it with a friend you think would be inspired by this. Just send them the link lewishouse.com/1070 or copy and paste the link wherever you're listening to this and text someone, post it on social media or share it anywhere you think people would enjoy listening to this. And if this is your first time here, then welcome again to the School of Greatness. Please click that subscribe button over on Apple Podcasts us right now, as well as leave us a rating and review. Let us know what you enjoyed about this, the thing that was the biggest takeaway for you and the big aha moment. We'd love to see reviews, and that also supports us in sharing this message with more people over on Apple Podcasts. So please subscribe to Apple Podcasts or Spotify if that's where you listen, and leave us a rating and review. And if you want inspirational messages sent to your phone every single week from me and other goodies and surprises, then make sure to text the word podcast right now to 614-350-3960 again, text the word podcast to 614-350-3960 and I want to leave you with this quote from Ernest Hemingway who said, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special, too.

And I think this is an important.

Reminder for all of us that sometimes we go so deep into supporting someone else in a relationship that we forget to support ourselves first, which is always extremely important. And I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter, I'm so grateful for you today. And you know what time it is? It's time to go out there and do something great.