1083 How to Heal Your Painful Memories, Thoughts & Beliefs to Create a Greater Future w/Dr. Nicole LePera

You know how people sometimes invest in something that seems incredible at first, but then it doesn't live up to the hype? Like when everyone was convinced NFTs were the future and people were buying them for thousands of dollars, and now they barely have any value. Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. LinkedIn has a word for that: bull spend. Instead, you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn Ads. Cut the bull spend. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 and get a $250 credit. Go to linkedin.com/lewis. Terms apply. Spring is here and Spring Fest is happening now at Lowe's. Refresh your yard with Stay Green Premium 2 cubic foot mulch. 5 bags for just $10. Heading indoors, save up to 40% off select major appliances to help supercharge your chores. The best lineup is here at Lowe's. Valid through April 22nd while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See lowes.com for details. Mulch offer excludes Alaska and Hawaii. Hiring isn't just filling seats. With Indeed Sponsored Jobs, they'll help you match with candidates who can actually move your business forward. Target candidates by skills, certifications, or location. Join the 3.3 million employers worldwide that use Indeed to connect with quality talent that fits their needs. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results now with Indeed Sponsored Jobs. And listeners of this show will get a $75 Sponsored Job credit to help you get your job the premium status it deserves at indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring, do it the right way with Indeed. This is episode number 1083 with Dr. Nicole LaPera. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur, and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. The Buddha said, do not look for a sanctuary in anyone except yourself. And Oprah Winfrey said, turn your wounds into wisdom. My guest today is my friend, Dr. Nicole LaPera. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, and Dr. Nicole LaPera often found herself frustrated by the limitations of traditional psychotherapy, wanting more for her patients and for her own personal life. She began a journey to develop a united philosophy of mental physical, and spiritual health that equips people with the tools necessary to heal themselves, something I'm excited about personally learning. She is the creator of the #SelfHealers movement where people from around the world are joining together in community to take healing into their own hands. And now she's the author of the new book. I think it's gonna be the book of the year, How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Yourself. And in this episode, we discuss why breathing is the most powerful stress regulator of all. The 5 main archetypes of human behavior, why these archetypes are typically coping mechanisms to deal with past trauma, the difference between interdependence and codependency, why we seek familiarity in relationships and the harmful effects this behavior can cause, the process of setting personal boundaries and some of the challenges that will follow it, the power of empowering yourself, and so much more. If you're enjoying this at any moment, make sure to share this with a friend or someone that you think would love learning about this as well, having the tools to heal themselves and their family members and friends. Just copy and paste the link wherever you're listening to this podcast, or you can use lewishowes.com/1083 and text that out to your friends. And if this is your first time here, please subscribe over on Apple Podcast or Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcast and let us know what you enjoy most about this episode. Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Dr. Nicole LaPera.

Welcome everyone back to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest, Dr. Nicole LaPera. Is in the house. So good to see you. I'm so excited about your book, uh, How to Do the Work. This is going to be the book of the year. I keep saying it. Recognize your patterns, heal from your past, and create yourself. Make sure you guys check this out. Um, it's been an amazing journey for you, incredible over the last couple years. And I'm so happy before— for you because you're focused on service and you're getting amazing results for people and for yourself. So you deserve all the success. Congratulations. I'm curious, what has been the negative thoughts that have come in your mind in the last 3 months while you launch something new, as your audience continues to build exponentially into the millions, when 3 years ago you had no following and now you have this massive platform? This is going to be a massive hit book. What's the negative thoughts you've had to overcome in this process?

Well, how long do you have? Joking, but though not, um, There's just been so many ego challenges, as I call them, and call them throughout my book. From the beginning, I mean, if you would have spoken to me a decade ago, Lewis, you wouldn't have heard me speaking about a book in my future. I never in a million years would have imagined that people wanted to hear what I had to say. It wasn't a goal or a career aspiration for me at all. So even being offered the opportunity around a book contract, for me, there was a voice like, really? Me? Like, you care about what I have to say? So that voice is there along the way as I'm dumping the work, as I'm framing the work, as I'm sharing my journey. There's that nagging voice that is, you know, unsure of what people are interested in and, you know, always diminishing what I have to offer the world.

You diminish a lot yourself?

I do, I do. I think, you know, we all have that critical voice, and mine is there. I have very much— if you read my book, I talk about inner child archetypes, these very pattern-conditioned ways of being that, you know, typically originate in an early time around some painful experiences. So my archetype that's very predominant and very present, especially around the book, is the overachiever. So I hold myself up to almost a tyrannical, you know, unachievable standard in a lot of ways, and I take any moment to rip myself down as evidence that I'm not meeting that. So for me, that is consistent. And that even applies not only to achievements or performance, like a book. You know, obviously we can get graded in school around papers, so the book feels very much an academic exercise. Though I hold myself up to standards in my relationship. One of the most difficult things for me to do is to disappoint those I love. So that overachiever mindset is at the ready, is always ready to judge myself as not obviously living up to that expectation pretty much at any turn.

Every moment.

Any moment.

How do we overcome that over-pleasing perspective, that overachiever mentality, so that it doesn't consume us in a negative way but we're still driven to serve at a high level?

Yeah, so acknowledging it, I think, is the most important aspect of the beginning stages of the journey. So the fact that I'm able to say here that you are— I have that, that I have that filter, as I call it, that's painting everything that happens in my life that's the first step of healing. Because I, like many of us, wasn't aware of that filter, and it was coloring my experience. And so I would take any moment and end up feeling badly and not understanding why. And until I began to view my internal world, I began to see the stories I was creating. So that moment in particular, whatever it might be, was yet another, you know, moment for me to have evidence that I'm not living up to that expectation. So pulling back and seeing that lens, oh, okay, here's that tendency to compare myself down again. That at least gives me the opportunity to create a new choice, which brings us to the next stage and why my book is called The Work. Because listeners and myself included, oh, many of us could resonate with this. Yes, I'm an overachiever. I have that part in my mind. Yet now what? That part is still there coloring our experiences. So then it is the work of refocusing my attention, paying less focus, you know, because that's our most powerful tool for many of us to begin not spending time spinning down that framework, spinning down that story, ending up feeling so terrible about myself. Pulling my attentional focus away and putting it elsewhere is the best thing we can do for ourselves to begin, of course, the journey of unpacking and unlearning those deep beliefs.

Do you think a depressive state comes from an obsessive thought process? Is that what it's— I'm hearing it comes from? Like, the more you think and ruminate on, I'm not enough, I never have this, I suck, I'm not worthy, I'm just not deserving— the more I ruminate on it for longer and longer, is that what's going to put me in that state of being?

It's one of the factors. It's not the only. And because I would come up against this idea of— and I think a lot of times in the field it's criticized think a different thought. Okay, I can just reframe my— just to use it very generally— my negative thinking and begin to think more positive. And then if anyone is suffering from depression or those symptoms, I obviously can relieve those and feel better about myself. The issue with depression and anxiety and a lot of the things that we're diagnosed with, myself included, is that they're messengers of something deeper. So typically with depression, there might and likely is something physiological also at play. There could be some gut issues that are causing inflammation that is causing actual inflammation in the brain and causing those symptoms of depression. There might be some nervous system activation getting stuck in our parasympathetic, in particular, nervous system that results in that hypoenergetic arousal when I have no energy, I have no interest. So typically it's thoughts and the physiology that then maps on to thinking those thoughts for a very long time, though My point of my work, my point of working holistically is to acknowledge the whole story because I'm sure even a lot of listeners right now might have tried an affirmation, tried to think a positive thought and not actually been able to create change because likely they are again living in a state of physiological dysregulation.

Right.

So you might be able to change your thought, but if you're having alcohol at the same time or if you're eating candy and processed foods all day and you're in a stressful environment physically, then it may not also shift your, your feelings or your emotions, right? It's kind of like you have to have a holistic approach to what is the root, what's causing me to feel this overwhelmed stress or depression, right?

And it's beautiful that you're using the word stress and very astute because stress is insidious in our culture and it causes not only psychological but a whole range of physical health symptoms and ultimately diagnoses. Stress is really problematic And unfortunately, many of us, as even adults, are experiencing increasing amounts of stress, and in my opinion, having very limited coping tools or resources to deal with that stress. So our bodies are, simplest, like really simply, very much stuck in an overstressed, overwhelmed state that's again making change and transformation incredibly difficult.

What are the best coping strategies for humans to help us get out of stress and into more peaceful, calm states that you've seen?

The best ones?

The best coping strategies.

Yeah.

Not like the bad ones, but what are the good ones?

Yeah, we are— we have the access to the most powerful regulator of stress through our breath. If we can learn two things, first, to be just present to or a witness around our body's just regular breathing patterns. As simple as this sounds, The way our body breathes, if we can cultivate a very full, deep breath, very calming breath, chances are our body in that moment is in that state of relaxation, is receptive to the world around, is feeling safe to express. The large majority of us aren't breathing in that very calm, rhythmic way. Most of us have evolved to become chest-based, very shallow breathers. And the reason why I even just talk about our natural rhythm is because our mind is constantly scanning our body and its processes, breathing in particular, because for our mind, that's a marker of how aroused we are, how stressed our body is. So what I noticed when I dropped into my body was that I always breathe very shallow from my chest, and at times I would stop breathing, and that correlated with stress. The more stressed I am, the more I'm actually holding my breath. Throughout the day. So just that simple act of witnessing to me showed evidence of, wow, Nicole, your body is stressed out day in and day out regardless of what's happening in the actual current moment. Mm-hmm. Your body continues to send signals of stress. And the reason why listeners who might struggle with anxiety or panic, as I once did, why this is problematic is because like I said, our mind is scanning down. And it's going to begin to then think stressful thoughts. It's going to scan the environment for what's wrong. And as we all know, we're very good at identifying what's wrong in that moment. And then before we know it, the reason why I offer this is now we're caught in a loop because now I'm thinking stressful thoughts, further activating my body. So dropping in, noticing our body's natural rhythms can give us some clues as to how activated we are. And then, of course, the next action step we can take if you're living in an overactivated nervous system as I am, is to begin to harness intentional breathing, beginning to either direct my breath down into my belly if I am in that shallow, stressed-out, activated state, or if you're like I described earlier, having no energy, almost feel like you're not here energetically, we actually wanna cultivate that chest base, the more Wim Hof shallow, activate it, tool of breathwork to activate our energy system, to actually up our energy into our system. So we can use breathwork in either direction to control our body's responses. And while this is great for the body, and why I talk about it is it can build body balance back in as many of us need it, it's also so empowering now, right? Through an intention, through doing something differently, I can actually create change. And I speak as someone who did suffer from debilitating anxiety and panic attacks, and I know how overwhelming and out of control that can feel. So I mentioned that last piece of empowerment, um, for all of those suffering with anxiety out there, because that can be the steps back to actually creating change and saying, hey, wait, I can control my body, and my body doesn't have to control me when it hits that peak of panic.

What is happening when someone is in a panic attack? Like, what were the feelings like? How long did it last? And how does someone get out of a panic attack moment?

So panic— and again, I'm just simplifying it for understanding purposes— it's that ultimate state of nervous system activation when your body is literally geared up to fight, flight, or, or flight, which is usually what happens next. We go into that old coping tool or that old resource that we once used. It feels very different for each of us. Some of us actually think it can feel, as I once did, like a heart attack.

Wow.

I describe an episode in my book where I had just gotten home. I was in a psychoanalytic training program, and as part of my training, every Saturday I would sit in courses to learn how to be a practitioner of the work of psychoanalysis. And one of my courses was a group model where I was a participant in group psychoanalytic therapy. So anyone listening who's been in any therapy, a lot of feelings things can come up. So it was a particularly emotional group I had had that morning, and I came home and I was with my partner at the time. And long story short, I started to have symptoms. I started to feel sweaty, I started to feel clammy, I almost turned gray looking, and my heart in particular started to beat problematically or of concern. It was pounding, it just felt weird. And I'm someone who had had panic attacks before, I know a panic attack can mimic a heart attack, yet I was in my down puffy coat curled up in a ball with my cell phone in my hands just waiting to call 911 because I was convinced that this must be something that's physiologically wrong with me. So some of us, it can feel like a heart attack. Some of us, it's just that elevation where my heart feels like it's through the roof. I might get that panicked feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin, and it's very, very scary. And what it is, again, an extreme state of that nervous system activation. So the best tool is to help our nervous system go back into that peaceful, calm, safe place. Now, this is where I want to acknowledge that those of us who are in the throes of a panic attack and have never practiced intentional breathing or breathwork probably aren't going to be successful. And this is, of course, what we want to do. We want to use the tool only when we need it. This is where we really want to learn how to cultivate that balance in our bodies outside of that 10 moment, outside of that acute where panic is crashing down around me. We want to consistently learn how to drop into our bodies, take a temperature check. How safe is my body? Am I in activation mode or am I calm? And when I'm not calm, learning how to balance my body then so that when, as I feel my panic obviously increasing over time, I can learn how to downregulate myself.

Is the panic attacks— what's the root of that? Is it someone not being aware of their body and breathing? Is it allowing stressful thoughts to come in? Is it all of it stacking up over time and then there's a breaking point? What is the root of panic attack?

It becomes all of it over time because our nervous system works outside of our awareness. We have a function, it's called neuroception, It's essentially where we're constantly scanning the environment, energies even included.

We're not even aware of it.

We're not even aware of it.

Our body, our eyes, everything is just—

And it's primed to look for threat. However, threat gets defined based on our past experiences. This is how we can't kind of extricate the two. So something that felt overwhelming back here continues to color my world in my now moment.

Even if it's not really happening.

Outside of my awareness, right? That's really important to consider. That's the feeling that many of us get when we maybe walk into the room or up that alley and just something feels off. We're responding. Our nervous system is always responding to everything in the moment. However, it's doing so based on our past moments. So we could be throwing ourselves, unbeknownst to ourselves, into nervous system activation, and some of us are living in it all day long.

Crazy. When we feel stressed, is it affecting the actual brain or is it affecting the mind? And how do we regulate the two of the thoughts, the ideas, the mind, the consciousness, I guess, the awareness, or the brain, the physical brain itself? What is stress going up into the brain or is it actually attacking the mind kind of like outside of the brain?

It can affect both. It affects the brain structure in two ways. The first way is through actual inflammation. Stress, the cortisol that typically is associated with stress, activates our body, activates immune system responses where inflammation is the predominant response. Our brain is actually covered by a very thin film, a blood-brain barrier that's very penetrable. Things can get through. And one of the issues is when inflammation actually lands within our, our brain. So that can begin to cause structural changes in our brain, as can our mind. The way we think, the way we process, our brain can actually change the brain pathways, the systems, areas that we're firing up more frequently than other areas. With the most predominant one, so many of us are living from our emotional brain. Our amygdala, our hippocampus, all of those deeper centers, as opposed to our prefrontal cortex. So this is why it gets complicated. And there are very many brain scans out there of depressed individuals, of anxious individuals, of individuals diagnosed with ADHD or ADD, of autistic, right? All of these diagnoses map onto the brain showing changes, though it's the chicken or the egg conversation because those changes my argument is occur as a result of the human's functioning. I believe as far back as in utero. I know that my system was impacted by my mom, by the hormones raging through her body because I was sharing that body. I was sharing a blood source. I go as far to believe my mom's beliefs, her thoughts about herself, about me as a baby in her belly, about what my future would be were impacting, again, my developing So our environments, I believe, begin to shape us. So hypothetically, I could have came out as a baby infant showing, like I likely did, structural changes in my brain, possibly even an upregulated nervous system. Hard to differentiate whether genetically that's just what it was for me, or again, whether my earliest environment shaped. And I believe in the science of epigenetics that our environments are always shaping ourselves down to our physiology.

Our genetics.

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Our environment is shaping our DNA, shaping our DNA, and then shaping our systems, shaping how our brain looks and functions, shaping how our body looks and functions.

Yeah. Well, what's that study where they put like love and anger on water bottles? Did you ever see that?

I can't remember. The ice?

Yeah, the ice. And then it's either like dark crystals, like dead crystal, you know, or it's like these beautiful snowflakes. I can't remember what that study was.

Yeah, where they did the frequency of different emotions.

Yes.

Um, and had that ice that would freeze, I guess, ultimately, and it would crystallize in different structural— and it's beautiful because what I see is that shows evidence of how impactful the things that we can't see are. And I think the collective is waking up to the reality that there are a lot of these things that we can't see. There are energies, there are inner knowings, there are messages of all sorts that again, we're responding to outside of our awareness that are there even though we can't see them or the science isn't showing it in the graph that fits very comfortably into our human mind. Anytime we're in that expansive unknown, it's very uncomfortable for us as humans.

It's like we can't see our thoughts, but those thoughts will impact us, right? Will impact our structure of our brain, our body, how we feel when we think a certain thing as well. The environment. You mentioned people-pleasing overachiever kind of archetype, right? What are the different types of archetypes that human beings have? Is one people pleaser overachiever? What are the main ones, I guess?

So just an archetype, so we're having— everyone knows what we're talking about here. Again, it's very conditioned pattern way of being. We don't, as humans, typically fall neatly. Some of us might see ourselves in only one archetype archetype. Some of us might see evidence in different archetypes. We might see different sides of ourself in different types of relationships. So multiple archetypes might apply. Again, they're not, you know, be-all-end-all categories, but they're general ways of being, typically how we're relating to others in relationships or to the world at large. So I mentioned the overachiever because that's one of my predominant ones. Some others are the caretaker, maker, the person who's always endlessly showing up to service others' needs.

But never their own.

Never their own. The yes person who can't say no, who's always again in another model of service. There's a hero worshipper archetype, always outsourcing, always looking for the person or the thing that has an answer as opposed to within. Life of the party, another archetype that's pretty common. The person who never allows any negative, if you will, even though I don't love those words, sadness, any lower kind of vibration energy to be part of their experience. They're always happy, everything's always great. Again, acknowledging that there's a range of human emotion, and if we're cutting off, you know, the negative, we're usually cutting off aspects of our lived experience. So they're general ways of being. Typically, maybe listeners can know kind of the way they show up in relationships. If not, being a witness, seeing how are you showing up, what is your primary mode of relating to other people. This is based in the idea that typically our primary, primary modes of relating are based on our earliest relationships, and we get very repetitive. So I was like I described, my overachievement didn't start in adulthood. I began to assume that role in my childhood relationships— the person who's always performing in one way or another, or trying to keep the peace in one way or another.

That's me. Keeping the peace was me for sure. And so if we are aware of that first, kind of our main archetypes, is the next step learning how to heal, or is it learning how to re-parent, or what would be the next phase that we should— in doing the work.

So the first, as I always acknowledge, for some of us, just having that awareness. Yes, I'm continuing to have my needs unmet in relationships because that's usually the byproduct of assuming roles or wearing these masks, is my full self isn't being expressed, or I'm chronically not acknowledging any of my needs. For some of us, acknowledging that role and typically where it came from, though that's not mandatory, you don't need to know the thing that hurt me. But for some of us, that can be relieving. That can offer an alternate version of narration as opposed to, I'm broken, which is usually where we end up. Oh, I'm unfulfilled in my relationships because I'm unlovable, because something's wrong with me. So for some of us, just having that awareness— no, I'm the overachiever, I'm the caretaker because of things that have happened as a result of my experiences. For some of us, that's that's healing in and of itself.

Is that— these coping mechanisms then, typically, these kind of master archetypes, it's like we do this, our way of being becomes—

I call it the onion. We, by the time we're in adulthood, we're living such a conditioned way, typically as a result of coping with something that was too overwhelming or too difficult at one time.

And the coping, is it all back to feeling seen, heard, and acknowledged? It's like we do these things so that someone sees us or acknowledges us.

Opinion, and/or to then as a byproduct avoid the pain that once was. If showing— so the life of the party, I'll use as an example— if at one point when I showed sadness, you know, I didn't feel— it didn't feel accepted given whatever has happened, right? Then if I stop, if I modify, if I do not tell mom the sad thing that happened, I don't have to feel that pain of that rejection. So I just say a little less of my sadness and a little less of my sadness over time. So it's a coping to avoid that hurt that was once unbearable.

It's to either be seen or to avoid pain.

Yeah.

Is that it?

Yeah.

So how should we— what archetype should we live in?

So once we become aware, right, if it, you know, the relief can go so far for some of us, then we're still left with with us and our conditioned way of being.

Right, right.

We're still left with that habit, that pull. Like I shared throughout my book, even my overachiever is right there ready, right, for that reaction in each and every moment. So cultivating new responses is ultimately the next step. Responses that we now get to choose as an adult. At one point, we weren't gifted with choice. We were in environments that we had no say around. Now, I can show up, I can make a new choice, so I can learn a new way of being. I can begin to show maybe all aspects of myself, walking through the discomfort that will come along with change and the vulnerability that's part of the process now of showing a new part of myself. Though over time, that allows me to cultivate my full self-expression. So the work, as my book offers, is still part of the journey.

Yeah.

Awareness isn't going to create change because those habits are a matter tapped down into our subconscious pathways that are at the ready. We've gotten really good at firing them up, and our brain actually prefers that path. So showing up in our conscious mind, teaching ourselves that we always have that pathway that leads to all of the consequences that they've always led to, and then this pathway could lead to something else that will probably be uncomfortable because it's new, it's uncharted territory, though it could help me march toward a future of my choosing.

What's something you replace in the last week or two in the middle of this book launch? What is something you've had to replace with the overachiever mentality, or something that's an old pattern that you recognize and said, okay, I'm going back into this place now, here's what I'm gonna think and do and be moving forward? What is something you've done recently?

Yeah, so my— right hand in hand with my overachiever, yeah, comes my familiar around my familiarity around stress to become agitated. So what I've seen myself doing and the choice that my subconscious continues to offer me is that one review that is negative, right? Or that one person over here, and I know what they think of my work and it's not going to be positive, yet I know it's there. So what I found this week in particular is when I'm feeling that agitation, when I'm maybe feeling unsure. I'm sharing my life story in a lot of ways. I'm sharing difficult things that happen to me. I'm sharing my mind with the collective, so I'm feeling vulnerable. It's very normal to feel uncomfortable. So my old stress response wants to map on that discomfort and get that hit. So before I know it, I do want to pick up and look at that negative review. I do want to visit that person's Instagram account, and because I know that he's talking bad about you, he's talking bad to stress me out. So all we can see—

Why do we seek that?

Trying to navigate that.

Why do we seek to look at those things?

Because for me, I understand it as a function of my familiar, of being caught in stress loops, of feeling that agitation that for me could be excitement in this moment. It's exciting, it's vulnerable. Maybe I am a little nervous about what the world will think. My mind is scanning, it's feeling that activation, it's sensing the cortisol, the adrenaline, and it's doing what all of our minds do, trying to find the cause. So for me, I know the cause could be this person over here, what this one thinks over here, almost deleting out all of the amazing feedback with that focus. And for me, it's because back in time I had a lot of stress in my environment. I had very limited tools. I had a lot of agitation that my mind couldn't make sense of. So what it learned to do was spiral in those loops of stress. I was hooked in that nervous system state of activation. As my nervous system escalates now, I find that same tendency to go back into that.

So even though, even though we know it's not good, even though we know it's bad for us, it hurts us, it's painful, we're so used to being in that loop that we just automatically go back to it because it's a bad habit.

It's our familiar.

It's our familiar.

Our familiar.

Even if we know it's not good.

Our subconscious works on the familiarity principle because according to our subconscious, the path that I've walked once is more knowable than the path that's unknown to me. And according to my subconscious, I know all of the ways to protect myself from that hurt, right? I dissociate, I distract, I do all the things so I know that I will continue life. And I know this sounds all extreme when I'm saying life and death and all of this, So our subconscious really is only wired to keep us safe, to keep us marching down those very illogical ruts.

Is this why people will stay in toxic, bad relationships, uh, or will put themselves in situations that are harmful over and over just because they're familiar with it?

They're familiar with it.

Being without it is scarier than being with it.

Yeah, a lot of times their definition of love, of connection, that's all they ever had. That's how they operate. That's how they know themselves is in relation to these others. A very big part of my journey, as you and I've talked about in a previous, um, one of these chats, was me having to learn how to separate myself from core relationships within my family in particular. Um, so many of us only know ourself in definition with others, and the definition that we're using is how that relationship was. It doesn't mean it's authentic and healthy and safe even for some of us, it's all we know. So a lot of us have all of these ideas around what relationships are and what love is. That's again based on those earliest patterns that don't necessarily maybe map on to the relationships that we're seeking or that would actually fulfill us.

Right.

So when we have awareness around these archetypes of us, and we start this process, um, some of the things that I really take from your book— one is the power of self-belief, is the inner child work, and reparenting. Those three things I'm really connected to. Can we— how does someone learn to reparent themselves if their parents are no longer here? Like, how do they even go down that path, which might seem just a little weird? It's like, uh, am I supposed to repair myself? That sounds weird. What is a non-weird way to approach that? And is that us connecting to our 5-year-old self, or whenever that situation occurred, first started, that was painful, and having a conversation and actually connecting to that child? Is it a daily practice of connecting to something on the inside? What does that look like?

I appreciate the question, and I will acknowledge too that I I think anytime we hear this idea of child and we're an adult, I mean, some of us into, you know, years into adulthood, it does feel uncomfortable. It does feel like, what do you mean? I'm out of childhood. I don't have that aspect of myself. I'm an adult now. I'm of the belief that our inner child is carried with us in many different ways. And we could start with maybe the least scary through our daily habits and patterns. Typically you're caring for your body, I'd imagine, unless you made an intentional shift at somewhere in your adult life the same way you were taught to. How our physical needs are identified and met in adulthood typically is a reflection of how they were once met in childhood, how attuned our caregivers were to their own physical needs, obviously then transferring that into our own attunement with our bodies, identifying what our individual needs are so that over time we can assume that responsibility of meeting them ourselves. I'm of the belief that all of us were raised by humans that are limited by the tools that they had. So I'll be the first to admit, I know that I was raised by two parent figures that didn't really have a full connection to their body and to its physical needs. So again, when they were parenting me or cultivating that awareness in me, it was from that much more limited, um, consciousness state or that disconnection. So not surprising, I ended up being very disconnected from my own body's needs. Now, this applies to our emotional world too. Chances are the habits and patterns, the way we tend to our emotions in adulthood, is a direct reflection of how we tended or how we were modeled or what coping tools were even available to us at one time in one place. So to do the work of reparenting, we could see ourselves, witness ourselves in adulthood, see the areas where we are feeling like we show up for our needs. Do we acknowledge physical needs in our daily life, acknowledging that our body has them day in and day out? Or are we so disconnected that we don't even know what they are? Same thing emotionally. What is our emotional climate? How do we navigate emotions when we have them? And again, can we begin to create new habits? So that's what reparenting, the approachable version is, can I create new habits and patterns in any of these areas, physical, emotional, or spiritual, that better serve me? Again, acknowledging that we're limited by that which was taught to us or modeled for us, acknowledging the limitations of our caregivers.

Should we blame our parents and hold them accountable and responsible for the tools that they instilled in us, or the habits, or the routines, or the boundaries they instilled in us, or should we be as compassionate and forgiving, knowing that maybe they didn't have the tools or they didn't actually seek them out for themselves? So how can we hold them accountable on how they raised us? What do you think?

I think it's really natural to— and I have a specific part in the book where I talk about this— it's really natural to have all of the feelings when you come to these awarenesses of your caregiver.

I hate you.

Very real limitations. So I definitely think we should make space for however whatever it is we feel, whether it's disappointment, let alone anger or rage at unmet needs, that is part of our lived experience. And I love cultivating the word "and" in our vocabulary and in our human practice. And then also space for possibly something else. For some of us, it might be compassion. Like we're acknowledging, pulling back and seeing the limitations, not as a reflection of us, us, or their lack of care or love for us, as a reflection of their own tool set, their own abilities. So we can depersonalize it, and for some of us, that can make space for that compassion. Do we have to have compassion? Not necessarily. Do we have to keep showing up for these relationships? Absolutely not. Um, so however we feel when we see, witness to what has happened and what we're living as a result of it, My suggestion is to make space for it, though ultimately acknowledging that to create the change each and every day, it's going to be on you making those new choices.

Yeah.

Where are you at with your family dynamics now? Because the last couple times we've had you on, it's been no communication, complete boundaries, separation, to we're starting a little bit, to where are things?

Yeah. Now, well, so let's go as far to say is that when I did my live book event yesterday My family was on there. My dad was sharing his support in the comments.

Oh, wow.

So they are very much standing beside me. We've had many conversations, you know, about the work that they're very familiar with. They follow me on Instagram. My dad, my 85-year-old father, however old he is, created his own Instagram account and is following along. And they have the book themselves. So they're holding space. Obviously, there's aspects of the book that I'm sure will be challenging and are challenging for them them to see on paper as I share aspects of our journey together. They've given me the space, and I'm very grateful for that, for me to continue to share my story because I think that they now see the value of it. They understand that it is through speaking of these things that helps people create change. And quite honestly, I experience the family different. I'm experiencing those relationships relationships differently. I feel like I have space now. I feel like I can decide, you know, when I pick up the phone to call them back or not. And for me, there was only obligation that I historically felt. I'm seeing incredible change in them. My sister's on her own healing journey and has been. She's working on her physical body now and is creating health and wellness in a way that she's never known before. And obviously I'm watching that now trickle to, to my nephew. She has a 14-year-old son. So for me, and I think for all of us, as incredibly difficult and painful as my decision to step away was, I think now we're all beginning to feel the benefits in terms of our relationship.

Yeah, I've, I've created space and disconnection from friends, family at different times, and intimate relationships. People I was in intimate relationships with at a point where I felt like this is not going anywhere. Us having this constant dialogue, you know, it's not going anywhere. It's hurtful for both parties. It's stressful. We're not seeing eye to eye. Let's just take some space. And almost every time I've done that, I've seen healing progress. I've seen compassion. And it's really powerful, I think, to disconnect at times when you're unable to figure out tools or processes to come together in a powerful way. So for me, I think it's powerful for people. You don't always have to just keep working in these relationships together all the time. Sometimes you can take that space.

Tax and bonus season is one of those sneaky little moments. You check your account, you see a refund or a bonus, and for about 10 seconds you feel rich, like, ooh, maybe I'll go buy some expensive gift for myself. Then reality kicks in. But here is the thing. That moment right there is actually kind of powerful for us. For most of us, extra money hits the account and suddenly it already has plans because something needs to be fixed, something needs paid for, or something you've wanted for forever is calling your name. There's no shame in this. Life is full. Things break, plans pop up. But what if just for a minute you paused, like just for a second, Not because you have to, but because you want to ask a better question. Not what can I buy right now, but what would actually feel good about this later? And instead of the moment running you, you make an intentional move, not a big dramatic one, just a simple decision that leaves you feeling a little more steady and a little more in control, specifically with your money. And if you get a tax refund or a bonus, try asking a different question. Not what can I buy today, but how can I give my bonus a bonus? Or how can I turn my tax refund into more funds? It's a small shift, but it changes the energy and suddenly it isn't just extra cash. It's an opportunity. One simple, intentional decision can help you feel a little bit more in control a little more steady. And honestly, that feels better than an impulse purchase you forget about in 2 weeks. And that's why I like how U.S. Bank approaches tax and bonus season. They know these moments matter. U.S. Bank Smart Lease Savings is designed for people who want flexibility while earning competitive promotional rates. And if you are in a place where you do not need immediate access to that money, US Bank CD Specials let you lock in a guaranteed rate for a set period of time. It's so simple, it's straightforward, and it's about saving your way. Growing your money without overcomplicating it, US Bank can be a trusted partner when you decide to be a little more intentional with a financial boost. Visit usbank.com/savings to get started. Savings rates vary based on the presence of an additional eligible product and combined qualifying balances. CD rates vary by term and location. Member FDIC.

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Right?

Yeah, I couldn't agree more. And because just like me, my, my whole family, my system, family system that I came from was locked in those stress cycles. So it it was like a domino effect. If I wasn't stressed and agitated and then trickling into that system, their energy of always something, right? The latest thing that was happening in their home now miles even away from my home, right, would energetically impact my system. So that hard stop, I believe, was necessary for all of us to stop those spirals into that stress cycle. And it was incredibly painful for me making the decision, stepping away, having that distance, wondering what— how they were experiencing that distance. And I know, and I can imagine how painful their lived experience of being on the other side, likely confused more or less, why I wasn't there anymore. So it's not to say it was an easy shift in that space. It did kind of bring things to a head, if you will. Though, yeah, I think I agree with you on the other side, and some of us do need that kind of hard stop to just allow our emotional systems to reboot, to create a little bit of actual energetic space so that now when I went back, I was in a different place. I was balanced. I still knew that those habits and patterns would be there. I still have moments while I said, "Oh, I can call back whenever I want." That's me sounding really tough. There's many points where I log, "Oh, my mom called me 2 days ago and I didn't call her back yet, and how's she experiencing the fact that I didn't call her back yet?" those, those stories are still there. I've learned, however, to be more comfortable now in meeting my need and acknowledging that in this moment I don't actually want to talk to anyone, whether or not you're my mom or not. Yeah, no thank you, no, do not disturb sign. So creating that space, allowing my needs to be the needs that I'm tending to in a moment, still comes with the feel-bads, as I call it, though I've gotten more confident in empowering myself to make the choice anyway.

How do we— yeah, if we're an over— if we're a people pleaser, how do we not feel bad when we create a boundary for ourselves and say, throw out the expectation that you not feel bad? Because someone's going to be upset at you. They're going to be upset or upset about the situation when you say, I need space and time to be alone. I don't want to see anyone today, but I need— I really needed you to help me and be here for me. How do we overcome that desire of of feeling bad, of letting others down in order to meet our own needs and not cross our own boundaries.

So I wasn't joking when I said throw out the expectation, because again, if you have been practicing that way of being, putting other people first, you are going to feel bad. And it might even be reflected back that you should. I have been told I was selfish. I have been told, you know, this isn't what family does. I heard all of those things that validated that deep dark fear that that is exactly what I was doing. So there is no pathway around feeling bad. It's again just that constant reminder of why you're doing it that can be really helpful. Yes, the why could even apply to the relationship, because something I have lived is the accumulated resentment that happens as a result of chronically unmet needs. And unfortunately, we don't get resentful at ourselves, we get resentful at the people that we're in relationship with. Some of us leave them then in search of the person who's going to meet our needs, never to find that person.

But it always comes back to us.

Or some of us don't leave and we just, you know, resentful or just resentful, angry, angry at them, passive-aggressive, having lived that.

But it's our responsibility to create the boundaries that we need, right? We can't expect someone else.

First and foremost, it's our responsibility to acknowledge we have a need. Some of us in adulthood are operating with that kind of fantastical belief that once was that people are mind readers, right? That people just know, and if they loved us enough, they would just know.

Tell my girlfriend that.

And the reality of it is, I think a lot of us see that in our partnerships, especially the closer we are with someone, the more we think someone really gets us and sees us and has lived all of the experiences that didn't work for us in the past. Why don't they know now, right? And unfortunately, without communicating, you can know without being told. We're also quite subjective. So I'm living life through my lens and I have to actually make an intention to pull back and say, okay, well, this moment, Lewis Howes is different than me. So this moment might not be affecting me, but I have to remember to check in with another human who might be affected by whatever is happening. And then even more complicated, if you are affected, right now, I might not know how to help you because the thing I do when I'm stressed or angry might be the farthest thing from helpful to you in that moment. So again, we have to constantly pull back and acknowledge when it's not us or not about us and hold space for the uniqueness of someone else.

It's almost like that's hard.

It's really hard.

And it's almost like we need to, to understand our needs and our boundaries, and we, we get to be selfish around those so that we can be unselfish in the service of others at our highest possible way, right? So we can have the energy, the emotional maturity in times to manage opportunities or stress or overwhelm or problems so we can be there and lead people. It's hard to lead people from a place of my needs aren't met, my boundaries are crossed, I don't have the space I want, you know, I don't feel respected or trusted or whatever. It's hard to lead and have energy from that place of depletion. So we get to be selfish, right? Yeah, that's how I feel.

And yes, beautiful. And I end the final chapter of the book is actually full circle, bringing us to the concept of interdependence, of just that, of embracing our authenticity so that when we are showing up in service, which I do believe is our path here, our journey here is to serve others. I see the work, my work misinterpreted quite often with this belief that I'm professing we all live alone on islands and have this separate existence. Absolutely not. I just know how much we are using others in our relationships to meet our own needs. So when we create this space to be a full, whole human—

Say that part one more time. We're using others?

We're using others and our relationships to secondarily meet our own needs.

What should we be doing?

Being a full, connected human who's aware of their needs that differ on a given day, that understand when limits are met, So back to me hating to be a disappointment to others. There are some days where I don't have the resources to even hold space for the emotions of my loved ones, though I would like to. So for instance, I'm pretty tired with book launch week. I've been talking a lot. I've been sharing a lot. And my partner too is going through a lot of the same emotions that I'm going through. And there have been many moments this week where she's been wanting to express or had a feeling about something and I've actually had to say, "Lolly, I'm so sorry, I have nothing left right now." And that's very difficult to do and to say, but we also meet those limits too, where despite our best intentions, we're not an evergreen source of energy and of resources. So there are some days where I have to put up that boundary and I have to say, I need to take care of me me so that when I can return, I can fully hold the space and be authentic and tend to you. And I believe this applies to the macro, to the collective. A lot of us are showing up in relation to others, though not doing so authentically, or doing so wearing our masks, or right, only expressing parts of ourself and not doing so in our fullness, and/or not doing so in of our own needs. So the ultimate goal is to be a full, connected, aligned human who has access to their own energy, to their own purpose, to ultimately live in service.

Yeah, and that's gonna take saying no, creating boundaries, not being there for people at certain times when you need to take care of yourself. What is the— so interdependence is the, the goal for us? Is that— is the goal? And then what would the opposite be? Dependence and codependence? Or what would else would be in that?

So interdependence allows for the authentic connection.

Okay.

A lot of us are connecting or are relating to others again based on those very archetypal earliest ways, conditioned patterns of being. Um, true, in my opinion, love and authentic connection happens when we're fully connected to us and feel safe enough. That's another critical piece of this, creating the safety in our communities, in our relationships, finding the people that can hold that space and honoring the fact that not all, all of our relationships will offer us that. Not all of our communities will offer us that. So a big inspiration for even the creation of the hashtag #selfhealers that led to the creation of the Circle community. My membership, my virtual membership, was focusing on creating those safe communities, albeit virtual, though a lot of us are living virtually now these days. Safety is important. Can I find the people with whom it's safe to be who I am? Acknowledging again that we might have to create the boundaries in some of our pre-existing relationships, and they might not be the people that are fully safe for us, right?

What, what is codependency? What does that mean?

Codependency is typically when there's a lack of boundary between me and others, and typically, again, we begin to function in relationship as a means to getting our needs met.

Got you.

So it's okay, usually emotional boundaries are blurred, where we feel how good or bad, quote unquote, we feel is based on usually the response of someone else, the climate of the relationship, It's this idea as I used to function, if my relationship was conflict-free, even though it was very uncomfortable to my homeostatic impulse, my pull to stir up, right? You know, I felt okay. And when my partner was, say, upset or upset with me, I felt not okay. I'm very simplifying this idea, but the blurred boundaries, the reality is, Lewis, and this is very hard for me to even hold space for now, we all have different emotional reactions. There's many moments where I'm feeling differently than my partner is feeling about even the same event. So creating that space to have different emotional experiences of life is incredibly difficult. And I felt again that pull to, if you didn't feel the way I felt, I would, my mind would say, oh, we're disconnected, or you don't understand me. I can be understood and doesn't mean you have to share my exact same feeling in that moment. You can actually it's quite beneficial if you don't. If you can hold space for what I'm feeling and not dive into that hole with me, we have a chance at stabilizing our dynamic or our relationship. So there actually could be value in both people not spiraling down the same feelings. Yet back in time, that was connection. Those cycles of stress were how I felt closest. Wow. When the whole family was in an uproar about the lawn not copying mode, or the very real, you know, medical issue that my family was struggling, or family member struggling with. We all felt it, so we felt less alone. However, we— I can feel we can cultivate connection without having to coordinate feelings.

Cultivate connection without coordinating feelings. That's powerful. You can still connect with someone without having to feel the, the trauma, the pain. You can have understanding and awareness for it but not have to like experience it at the deepest level, right?

Yeah. And some of us are very empathetic, as we say. We do have those permeable boundaries. You know, it is easier for us to shift into someone else's energetic field or expression. And I believe all humans exist on that spectrum. We all can take on another's perspective and feeling. Some of us do it by conditioning. We just do it outside of our awareness. And little did I know, I was just doing that. I was filtering everything through your experience of me or this moment, completely negating or bypassing my check-in with, well, wait a minute, how is this moment for me?

Sure, sure.

What is the—

you talk about self-belief in the book. Um, what is the difference between beliefs and self-belief? What beliefs should we be thinking and learning about? And how can we cultivate also a self-belief that is positive and empowering for our life, as opposed to disempowering.

So starting with beliefs, yes, we're coloring our experience with beliefs about everything—self, others, the world, our place in it, our past, our future—all day long. Beliefs, as far as I see it, began as a practiced thought, usually based in a lived experience, that then we begin to repeat over time. The more we accumulate similar experiences in our life, the more it kind of sets in and becomes ingrained, becomes our way of thinking. And we actually have a place, a function, a system, if you will, in our brain. It's called the reticular activating system, and it works as a filter because we can't take in every stimuli that's present in each and every moment that we're living. We would completely be overwhelmed as humans. So outside, again, of our awareness, our brain is— our mind is is offering a service to us. It's filtering out what it deems relevant to us versus what it deems not relevant to us or not part of our lived experience. And it's operating again based in the most consistent thoughts and/or beliefs that we've had. So before long, we're a self-confirming machine. We're only seeing evidence of how unworthy I am in every given moment, and my mind has filtered out, to my detriment in this example, any evidence of me being worthy. And now most of us have been doing that throughout a lifetime. So to even explore our beliefs, the first understanding is that we're— we, A, have thoughts all day long, innumerable thoughts. B, they typically are pretty patterned. You can start to see themes, and we might, C, call those beliefs. So as you become conscious, as you become conscious to your internal world, you can become witness to what those similar narratives are. What are the stories that you're coloring your daily experience with, right? Um, so once you do that, you can begin to see what those pathways are, what the beliefs are that are causing— the reason we care about beliefs is they cause a reaction. If I'm only paying attention to how unworthy I am in this moment, chance— I'm only increasing the likelihood that I'm going to feel unworthy, and then increasing the likelihood that I'm going to do the thing I always do when I feel unworthy in this way.

The coping strategy or whatever it is, right? What were the main beliefs that held you back in your life before you became aware of them?

Oh, the current one that still plagues me, Lewis, um, because it's my most practiced one. All roads in my mind lead back to this idea, this belief that I'm not considered. Again, having a family where there was a lot of stress in the system. As those of us who have anxiety know, when we're stressed, it becomes really difficult to focus on anything outside of what's immediately wrong and to solve the immediate issue, to decrease the stress. So with all of my family's focus on those stressors, very understandably, me as a little human was likely left feeling not considered, not feeling like where I was in the world in that given moment was taken into consideration, because everyone was looking at the fire that they were putting out, right, as a unit. So that the whole family— very well-intentioned, of course— though the byproduct of that, all roads in my mind led back to, "Oh, not considered. Here's another moment where I'm not considered. Here's someone else that I thought should love me in this way, and they're not considering me." When I was joking, when I said, though, it is still there, that narrative is at the ready. Things could happen in my day today, and I can almost hear myself getting ready to proclaim to the the person who did the thing, how much you're not considering me in that. Wow, really? That's how— still today? Still to this day.

How many beliefs do we typically have? Is it one core belief that everything goes back to based on a number of instances? Is it two or three beliefs? It could depend.

I mean, we're all a bit different. I typically find that there is like a core one or two. Yeah, um, we like to end with some version of unworthiness or unlovability. Mine is not consideration. Somehow all roads lead to that, though again, we could have multiple different scenarios or rehearsed beliefs about ourselves.

As you're saying this, I'm thinking of what have mine been, and it's probably I get taken advantage of, or I'm feeling abused. I feel like someone's abusing me, or something's not fair in this moment. And maybe there's like a common theme with all three of those: feeling abused, taken advantage of, or it's not fair. And so I find scenarios where I'm like, oh, this person's taking advantage of me, this person's trying to abuse me or use me in a certain way that's abusive feeling, or they're doing something that's not fair in this moment, and it can really trigger me, right? It feels like you want to, you know, protect yourself. And so when that moment happens, what do you do in your mind? You feel like, I'm not being considered. This person's not considering me, my feelings, my needs, my boundaries. Ah, what do you do next? First of it is be aware of it. And then what do you personally do after that?

Yeah. So once you're aware of it, you'll also become aware of all of the unconscious activation that's happening because likely your heart rate, right, is probably going to increase. Your body is going to start reacting. As if you are likely back at the time or times, right, where you did feel that abused, violated, things were unfair. So that's why our feelings, going back to the inner child, another moment that we can meet our inner child really head-on is when we are having those really big reactions that often do map onto our body in action, in reaction. And it's important in those moments to honor, for many of us, the feelings that we're having, because so many of us have repressed it, have learned how to suppress it, or do all of the things to make it more tolerable. So for some of us, it's just letting that in, like, yeah, I was violated, I was abused, and this feeling is appropriate for what has happened at a time. Because a lot of us, like I said, need that valve. We need to feel about what happened to us to then release it. Then of course we can create We can hold space and begin to cultivate something new to do, which typically we would benefit from some version of the bodywork, the somatic, that actually tell— teach my body now that it can feel safe in this moment, that we're not back as that young child being violated without tools, that we're now an adult, that we can tolerate this very overwhelming feeling that my body is having, and I can create Safety, doing whatever helps me create safety. And now this is where it's very individualized. What you come, you know, that's helpful for you, Lewis, could be different than what's helpful for me when my body is activated. Some people want to move and shake and get their feelings out, and some people want to go and get in the bath and kind of turn inward. And then there's obviously everything in between. And what else can I do for myself becomes the question to make a choice that would better serve serve my long-term goals.

So it's almost like when we feel that— when that belief comes back, that belief that holds us back— I'm not considered, I'm feeling abused, or whatever it may be— creating the awareness, recognizing that belief, and then starting to integrate new habits for a new way of thinking, to realize like, okay, this is not actually something that's attacking me, or Maybe it wasn't— someone was not considering me, but they weren't considering themselves. It's, it's integrating a new habit and a new belief instead to replace it, and a new feeling, and a new feeling around—

you want to do something different, so you want to action in a new way.

So when that belief or event or scenario happens in the future, because it will happen, hopefully it won't affect us as much. Or is there a place in time where it could not affect us at all, that we could eliminate that belief eliminate that feeling of trauma or tightness and feel peace when that thing happens again.

Tax and bonus season is one of those sneaky little moments. You check your account, you see a refund or a bonus, and for about 10 seconds you feel rich, like, ooh, maybe I'll go buy some expensive gift for myself. Then reality kicks in. But here is the thing. That moment right there is actually kind of powerful for us. For most of us, extra money hits the account and suddenly it already has plans because something needs to be fixed, something needs paid for, or something you've wanted for forever is calling your name. There's no shame in this. Life is full. Things break, plans pop up. But what if just for a minute you paused, like just for a second, not because you have to, but because you want to ask a better question. Not what can I buy right now, but what would actually feel good about this later? And instead of the moment running you, you make an intentional move. Not a big dramatic one, just a simple decision that leaves you feeling a little more steady and a little more in control, specifically with your money. And if you get a tax refund or a bonus, try asking a different question. Not what can I buy today? But how can I give my bonus a bonus? Or how can I turn my tax refund into more funds? It's a small shift, but it changes the energy and suddenly it isn't just extra cash. It's an opportunity. One simple, intentional decision can help you feel a little bit more in control, a little more steady. And honestly, that feels better than an impulse purchase you forget about in 2 weeks. And that's why I like how U.S. Bank approaches tax and bonus season. They know these moments matter. U.S. Bank Smart Lease Savings is designed for people who want flexibility while earning competitive promotional rates. And if you are in a place where you do not need immediate access to that money, U.S. Bank CD Specials let you lock in a guaranteed rate for a set period of time. It's so simple. It's straightforward, and it's about saving your way. Growing your money without overcomplicating it, US Bank can be a trusted partner when you decide to be a little more intentional with a financial boost. Visit usbank.com/savings to get started. Savings rates vary based on the presence of an additional eligible product and combined qualifying balances. CD rates vary by term and location. Member FDIC. Tech changed the world.

But so did the bubonic plague.

April 12th, exclusively on AMC and AMC+. The highly anticipated new drama series, The Audacity.

Genius is about being unhinged enough to do something outrageous.

The show that Mashable says tears Silicon Valley a new one.

People who have no integrity. Did you leak the acquisition rumor? No! Maybe!

From one of the minds behind Succession and Better Call Saul. We want to save the world or control it.

Most of us go Dr.

Evil. The Audacity, new series April 12th, exclusively on AMC and AMC+.

It depends. I mean, we can teach. Our brain is neuroplastic, our body is neuroplastic as we create. And that's why I'm emphasizing the body. To teach our body safety, we have to bring our body back to safety. This is again one of those moments where we can't just think, I'm safe, and then my body is like, oh, Right, we cool, and my heart rate goes down. We might have to help it along. We might have to give ourselves a deep belly breath. We might have to take ourselves out of maybe the activating moment to create that space to show my body that it is safe, because that it is safe.

Because that belief, when we're in that belief, our body is experiencing that trauma. It's experiencing as if you're in that environment now, if it's true, even if it's not true.

Yes, as if it's true. And that's what makes belief so strong is because they're backed by emotion. So this is why for so many of us that maybe have tried mantra work or affirmations or wrote "I'm worthy" on your bathroom window or mirror and tried to repeat it a million times, why it doesn't work. Because you're just saying words and your whole system, your whole body is actually rolling its eyes as I say and believing otherwise. To shift, to manifest as a lot of us are trying to work to do and create a life We have to follow the thought with belief, and it doesn't happen overnight because again, our whole body likely is sending us messages of the complete opposite in that same moment. I'm not stressed. Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes, I am. My heart rate's through the roof. You can't tell me otherwise right now because I'm feeling different.

So in order to shift the belief around the feeling, we must also support the body and integrate the physical body with the belief, with the thought, so that we can feel safe when that happens the next time and keep practicing those strategies, those tools, those coping mechanisms of breathwork, body safety, boundaries, space, whatever it may be, so that when it happens again, it's not affecting you as much, or you can recognize it and say, I'm okay, because you've created that new belief and you've backed it with emotion. Yeah, I like that.

In my opinion, done something that's most important. You've empowered yourself. Empowered. You've empowered yourself to have the choice now, to gift yourself with a choice that you likely did not feel you had because you didn't. Because again, bring this all beautifully full circle, because your body was in a state of dysregulation, scanning your environment for further evidence of that dysregulation, operating with neuroception outside of your awareness keeping you locked in that same reaction.

And when you empower yourself, that really supports your confidence and your self-belief. So there we go.

So back full circle to belief about self happens when we empower ourselves, when we show alignment between what I intend, what I do, and then how what I do maps onto how I feel, acknowledging that that step takes time, right? It's not the overnight approach, I can cultivate new feelings and new choices and new ways of being in my life. And when I do that, I develop empowerment. I believe I talk about empowerment consciousness, shifting from what I call ego consciousness, which is everything we've been talking about, that state of reactivity where my subconscious is directing my life, expanding to create the space, to making choices based on what's happening in front of me day in and day out. Because this is again something that I think I think is the thorn in our side as, as humanity is we aren't scripted. There isn't a consistent life that happens. We're evolving creatures. We age. Things change. Our needs and our bodies shift and change. Our emotions shift and change over time. So until we have that guidepost that can attend to our fluctuations, we're going to continue to look outside of ourselves and might not be actually meeting our needs.

Do you ever think there's a thing that could break you emotionally or mentally? An event, an experience, something that could happen— business, relationships— where your beliefs might be shattered, your thoughts might be overwhelmed, that it could potentially break you for a period of time? Or do you feel like you have enough tools and practices in place that no matter what happens, catastrophic, unexpected, anything, that you'll be okay?

I have that deep belief that I'll be okay. I might be down, right? I might need time. I might need to put that do not disturb up and don't bother me. So I might need space to get to that place of restabilization. Though I think that is the goal for all of us, is to have that I'll be okay-ness inside, not as a result of, oh, I'll be okay when, or if you just stopped, or when bad things stopped happening to me. I think we ultimately become empowered as a human, as a creator of our life experience, when we can say, you know, this might be the most terrible rocking thing. I might have to put up do not disturb for quite some time, and, you know, though I know ultimately there will be restabilization, there will be okayness on the other side.

What's your biggest fear and insecurity security then?

It's an interesting one. I feel insecure now often as I share aspects of my emotional world. As someone who's an overachiever, what I've learned is I really struggle, like I said, to factor my needs in, specifically my emotional needs. And so to receive support, I've learned I have to speak the need for support and then let the support be received. And I know listeners might be like, well, what do you mean? That's a passive thing. No, you have to tell someone and then let in the type of support that they're able to offer you in that moment. And I love to throw up my hurdles all along that process. It's very vulnerable for me to say I need help or I'm feeling, and then to allow whomever it is on the receiving end to support me to show up in that way because I'm used to being alone, right? I'm used to being not considered. There's some comfort in that. I prefer to be on my island. I actually like to be alone when I'm stressed out, though for me that only perpetuates that—

no one's considering me, no one's here for me.

Yeah, I have deep aloneness. So each and every day there's so many moments where I'm challenging that vulnerability. I am speaking the words and sharing what it is that I'm I'm feeling outside of even stress. Stress I'm used to sharing. The deeper stuff, the insecurity, how it feels to vulnerably share your story with the world. All of those moments, I still have those old conditionings.

Why is it seems so hard for so many humans to receive support? Like we want the support, but then why is it hard for us to receive a compliment? Someone actually being there for us. Offering to pay for something? Why is it— maybe I'm generalizing this, but I just feel a common theme that it's hard for human beings to receive anything. Yeah, some of the super greedy people that are like, give me everything. But it seems like there's a big population that's hard for, right?

Yeah, I think all roads might lead back to some version of the narratives that we were visiting earlier, which is unworthy. I don't feel worthy of because I'm not familiar with being worthy in this way. I'm only— this is how this all goes hand in hand— I was considered when I performed, when I overachieved in these very contained areas. So that became my channel to be considered. So now my goal, my task, my healing is to allow myself to be considered with all of my essence, not just when I'm performing. So to receive love or consideration for me, or worthiness, means that we have to shift that belief. We have to imagine ourselves to be worthy. Yes. Of it. And like I said earlier, I agree, I think there's a universal difficulty in receiving quite because there's a universal difficulty in believing that we are lovable, typically based in an early experience where our environment didn't result in us feeling fully accepted around that aspect of us, or that thing we shared, or that feeling, or whatever it is for us.

As I'm reflecting on my life, I, I used to beat myself up a lot where I didn't feel deserving and worthy of love because I didn't believe I was good enough, smart enough, talented enough, all those things. How do we get to a place of actually believing we are deserving of receiving love, not only from other people, but like, I didn't know how to love myself. I didn't know how to like say that, no, you're— it's okay. Like, you can be okay on yourself. You don't have to beat yourself up constantly. How do we love ourselves? And then how do we allow— or can we never allow— is— or one of the reasons why I don't allow other people to fully love us because we don't love ourselves.

Yeah, a lot of that originates in how are we acknowledging our needs, right? To love a self means to acknowledge that there is a self there. There's a physical body perhaps with needs that change in a moment. There's emotions that are happening for you in any given moment that might be different than someone else's. So it's caring for the self, which I do believe begins internally. And then of course paying attention to your thoughts, to how much you're coloring the rest of your day. So even those of us that have a self-love or a self-care practice, my next my next question always is, or my suggestion I offer, is to pay attention to the rest of your day. Because even those of us that have carved out the time in the morning and I do my 'I love myself' affirmation and I show up for myself and I do all my caretaking behaviors, if when I leave that room I go out and I rehearse in my mind, 'Oh well, this is why I'm unworthy and this is why I'm unworthy,' really I'm just strengthening that older narrative. So it becomes a two-part process where we want pull the attention away, acknowledging that our subconscious is going to keep offering those old stories. We can spend— we can empower ourselves with choice to spend less time paying attention, not go down that spiral. And then yes, we want to action in new ways by showing ourselves we are worthy through first just meeting our needs, identifying our needs first, which is a step for many of us, and then practicing meeting them.

It's like a constant practice. Constant daily practice. So much has happened for you in the last 3 years where you had a much smaller circle of people who were aware of who you were, and now you have a much larger circle of people that are aware of who you are. What is the thing you wish more people truly knew about you and that they don't know?

I think a lot of things, because I think often, Lewis, about how visible life is for some of us online, how much how much we show, we say, we speak of ourselves and our stories. And I'm also very intimately aware of how much isn't known, how much people don't really know me on the day-to-day, energetically experience me on the day-to-day, even know what I do when I'm not posting about what I do online. So I think this goes, and I think about this for myself a lot, there's just a lot that isn't really known about any of us as visible as we may or may not be online. And it doesn't necessarily mean that there's nefarious things happening. It's just the fullness of humanity is full. And social media is an amazing tool. You're never gonna hear me say otherwise. I think it is beautiful how it can connect humans now internationally, and we can cultivate communities of safety. And I personally see it as a tool for our self-expression and live in purpose. And now I have the beautiful ability, I'm not just living in my hole, my little nook in Philadelphia. I can begin to make these impacts and it's limited in a lot of ways. And I just, I hope that people are aware of that. My goal is to empower humans to sift through all of the tools that are ever available to them, other people, their journeys, their stories, though always to look within, always to have that checkpoint where I go inward and I decide if What I heard someone else share works for me, or if I can separate myself out, this person might seem really similar based on what they say, though honoring their own uniqueness that they might not be exactly the same human as you, so what they're offering might not exactly work for you. So my hope is to always urge that kind of internal process of knowing, because I believe the answers are always within each and every one of of us. I prefer people not to listen to what I say to do or what I've suggested worked for me. I urge people to experiment for themselves, to build this reconnection back to self, and to allow you to speak on your own journey. And I just have been thinking a lot about that as I watch my following continue to increase, stories being, you know, shared about myself and other people that I know have visible you know, platforms, and it's just this whole world is new online.

Yeah. What do you wish people knew about you that you don't share though?

I think there's a lot that I, you know, I don't share, just like experiencing me as a human. Um, I don't, you know, I don't know how I come across in terms of, you know, how I feel about others. I find myself really compassionate, really understanding, I think to a detriment in some ways. I have gotten very good at over-understanding, I think, other people's perspective sometimes. That when I do hear misunderstandings, I talk a lot about learning to embrace misunderstanding. There's a lot that's difficult for me. Hearing stories about oneself that are so out of alignment with who you imagine to be brings up a lot of, a lot of challenge. So as much as I could say I wish people knew who I really was, I also know how we're just so subjective and we're painting people into who we imagine them to be, even the people that do know me intimately, personally in my life. So I think just understanding that about ourselves as humans is important. And even someone who, like I said, experiences me in real life is subjective still.

Yeah, it is. Well, I'm a huge fan of everything you're up to, of you as a human being and the book. How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Yourself. I keep saying this is going to be the book of the year. I just have a feeling it's going to be a massive impact on so many lives. So make sure you guys get the book, get a few copies for your friends, help heal the world together. And you can just open up a chapter at a time and read a chapter at a time, and you can open up kind of anywhere and be impactful for you. So it's really inspiring, really powerful. Congratulations on this. It's going to help a lot of people. I want people to check out the previous episodes we did because I asked you your definition of greatness and your 3 truths about 2 years ago. So I want people to go check that out so they can hear that. I'm sure it's different now, but, but I want people to hear that. You're also all over the place with social media. Instagram is probably your biggest platform right now, right? So Instagram, The Holistic Psychologist, uh, the if you type that in, you'll find it. Facebook, the same thing. And The Holistic Psyche on Twitter, is that right, or is it different?

Uh, the Twitter's not really super active.

Okay, yeah, yeah, Instagram is the main thing. Instagram's amazing.

YouTube, it actually just got an overhaul, a new look. Yes, um, The Holistic Psychologist. And, um, in the next couple months we're going to be unveiling a new season now that we have creative We have all of the technology to, to revamp all of that. I know that those teaching videos, a lot of people had a lot of benefit in those. So the YouTube will come back and be very much a consistent resource in the next little bit. And you've got a podcast launching in the future, a podcast to come, huge podcast to come.

It's exciting. Uh, get on your texting list. You can find that on Instagram as well. You've got a community of self-healers that they could be a part of. If they want to have community, a safe space to learn this stuff as well. All that's on your website too, right?

Yeah, new website, just got an overhaul. Your Holistic Psychologist. Your Holistic Psychologist. We have some freebies, so anyone who got the book or who didn't, there are two guided meditations that I recorded for everyone that go along with the book content. So anyone can jump on the website and grab those and jump on the email list if you don't have my future self journal templates, an intentional journaling practice that I use myself to create these new daily habits. So that also was on the website.

What is that journal, uh, for people, just so they're aware? Because I see a ton of people using this and applying it. How has that helped you?

Yeah, the Future Self Journal, I began when I first started my own healing journey, really first and foremost as an intention-setting tool, understanding how powerful my subconscious was, just like everyone else's. So for me, I felt it incredibly beneficial as someone who honestly never even had a journaling practice. The daily act of setting an intention for just that day at hand— I do my practice in the morning, that's just what works for me in my life. You can do it at any time, and it's really just my moment to remind myself consciously what I want to do different in that day. So that practice is incredibly helpful. The journaling, you you can write in your journal as if it's already the case. So now we're capitalizing on a little bit of neuroscience and the fact that we don't, our brain doesn't know the difference between you actually being that person already or you just imagining yourself to be. So now we're laying down some neural hardware. And of course, the more we repetitively do that and then practice, because here's where again, I pop the balloon of belief that this is a magic journal. It is not. You can write, you can set yourself up to succeed, and then we have to actualize, right? We have to do the work. We have to remember that day to go out and keep that promise of maybe acknowledging my inner child or, you know, connecting consciously with myself and my needs in any given moment. So we want to build that practice into our day. And for me, I found it was really helpful to build a daily journaling practice that, if I'm honest, Lewis, I still use every day. I'm now working obviously on different new choices, but I still use that practice each and every day. So I have templates on the website. Anyone who wants to grab them, sign up for my email list, and it'll get emailed directly to you, and you can get started creating some new habits.

Where do you think you'd be without journaling in the last 3 to 5 years?

I would be stuck in my old habits. Really? If you weren't journaling? If I wasn't doing all— any of it. I mean, that was the basis of me. I used the journal, like I set as the foundational platform to begin the new choices. So for me, it was a gradual evolution of first creating consciousness in my body. Yes. I'm learning how to be present in my body. I then very quickly learned my body was completely dysregulated, and then I began to journal about creating safety. And I actually revisit it. I opened up my journal yesterday because it was just the book launch day for me, and I saw the day that I wrote my journal for when I was offered the book contract, and I was looking around that time at what I was working on, and I was reminded how consistently for that month I worked on creating safety in my body, tuning into my breath, noticing when I was constricting my breath and using my breath to downregulate my nervous system. So for me, the journaling was the tool to change my life, to build all. So yes, ultimately the journaling helped create many new habits that have literally transformed my life.

Yeah, I think it's one thing to visualize and do a, I guess, uh, non-written journal, like a mental journal. There's one thing to like rehearsing and mental journaling, but there's another thing when you actually put it down and you can see it again and you can reflect on it. You can be like, huh, is this really how I feel? You can go back to it you can kind of track it. It's hard to track your mental journaling for months of what you were thinking a month ago, but when you can see it, I feel like you can see the progresses too. So journaling is a powerful thing. Uh, I'm super excited for you. I'm so proud of this book, and I'm proud of you and everything you're creating. Make sure you guys check out the book, How to Do the Work, Dr. Nicole LePera. Check it out. Thanks for coming on. Appreciate it. Thank you, Lewis.

You've been such an incredible support along the way, so Of course. Of course.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope you found some wisdom, some tools, some strategies to heal yourself and to communicate better with the people that matter in your life. If you did enjoy this, make sure to share this with a few friends. Just text a couple friends, post it on social media. You can copy and paste the link wherever you're listening to this episode, or you can use the link lewishowes.com/1083 and share share it out there as it has all the show notes and everything else we talked about in this episode. If this is your first time here, please click the subscribe button on Apple Podcasts right now or Spotify and leave us a rating and review and let us know the biggest takeaway you got from this episode. Again, the more people that subscribe, that rate and review, it helps us spread the message of greatness to more people through those ecosystems. So if you got value out of this, if this inspired you or helped you in any way, then subscribe, leave a rating and review. And if you want inspirational messages sent to your phone every single week from me, texted to you, then text me the word podcast right now to this number, 614-350-3960. Again, text me the word podcast right now to 614-350-3960. And I'm gonna leave you with this quote from Brené Brown, who said, we cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions. Again, I hope this helps you on your journey, whatever you're going through in your life.

And maybe you don't feel like you have any challenges at all.

And if that's the case, please let me know how you got there. But most of us are facing with some type of challenge or adversity or trigger that comes up from time to time.

So I hope this gave you some tools and strategies to support you in your emotions, your mindset, and in your life.

And I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. I'm so grateful for you, and you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.

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