3 SECRETS To Unlocking INNER PEACE (Find Your Higher Purpose Today!)

Your positive mindset itself creates such a positive vibration around you and helps other people.

Absolutely.

You can only give what you have. Nobody expects you to give what you don't have, but whatever you have, you can definitely share with others.

Absolutely, yeah. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Are you ready to level up your business? Intuit QuickBooks has got your back. Forget stressing over unpaid invoices or tracking expenses. QuickBooks takes care of all that so you can focus on growing. Let QuickBooks be your all-in-one tool to help with the day-to-day tasks so you can stay focused on the big picture. Manage and grow your business all in one place. Intuit QuickBooks, your way to money. Get 90% off for three months, limited time only. Terms and conditions apply. Money movement services are provided by Intuit Payments Inc. Licensed as a money transmitter by the New York State Department of Financial Services. This podcast is sponsored by Northwestern Mutual. Everyone wants to feel good about their finances, right? Well, that's why I've had life insurance with Northwestern Mutual for years. Their financial professionals ask the right questions, truly listen, and help uncover opportunities most people miss. I've seen it firsthand. Northwestern Mutual has been a part of my journey from the very beginning, providing the security and peace of mind I need as a human and an entrepreneur. Find a better way to money@nm.com the Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, paid testimonial by a Northwestern Mutual policy owner. Fuel your greatness with Wonderful Pistachios no Shells. Wonderful Pistachios is a great source of protein with zero guilt. Each 1 oz serving has 6 grams of protein, giving you over 10% of your daily value. Pistachios are known for their protein power, fiber, and better-for-you unsaturated fats for a combination that may help keep you feeling fuller longer. And now there's a new way to snack strong with unsalted no Shells. Holding the salt, not the flavor for a snack that packs a protein punch. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more. If you've listened to the School of Greatness podcast for a while, you know how important acceptance is when it comes to personal growth. And you know who else is big on acceptance? Discover. You see, Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. That's a whole lot of places and a whole lot of acceptance, which is great for Discover, but even better for you. Based on the February 2024 Nielsen report.

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Welcome to this special masterclass. We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in. What about certain people that maybe don't feel like they're receiving anything in life. They're not receiving any gifts or support. They're struggling, and they don't feel like they have anything to give. They really feel like, I'm in lack. I don't have anything to give as well. How can they turn that situation into joy and happiness?

My dear, you can at least give a smile. Right.

I agree.

You can say a few nice words to people of comfort. Talk to smile. Now what is big in just smiling when everything is okay, when things are falling apart, if you can stand up and smile, I know I can manage, I know things will pass. That smile, that positive vibration from you amidst all the troubled water, itself is a hope. Your positive mindset itself creates such a positive vibration around you and helps other people.

Absolutely.

So you don't have to be giving something if you don't have. You can only give what you have. Nobody expects you to give what you don't have. But whatever you have, you can definitely share with others.

Absolutely, yeah.

This is what we see in some of the poor communities. They may have very little, but they share with others.

Right? And they feel a lot of love and joy and community and connection and fulfillment. How does someone develop an abundant mindset? Something where they believe that abundance of love and joy and opportunities can come to them versus staying stuck in a limit of what they're capable of creating or achieving?

One should, first of all, become aware of the reality in the world. Get out of our little well that we are into and see the ocean of humanity where it is and compare with that and you'll see you'll be grateful if you are at least much better off. then so many people who don't even have the basic things that you have. That itself will give you a breathing space. See? Feel better about yourself. Number one, second. Again here I would say meditation will help one to get out of grief and sense of lack. You know, it's just a state of mind. You can continue to feel that even if you are a billionaire.

It's true.

It can continue with you forever in your life. So here meditation can bring that inner sense of abundance. And when you have that inner sense of abundance, I tell you, abundance will start flowing to you from outside as well.

What should that feeling be inside of us in order to feel abundant? What does that feeling look like, experience?

Isn't there, there's no, it should be this way. Your feelings are feeling, just be with it. Those feelings come because you have certain misconceptions in your mind. wrong notions in your mind are stress. Too much stress, then everything appears to be very bleak.

Yes.

And you don't enjoy even simple things, you know. So, I feel stress is the biggest enemy of mankind.

Really?

Because stress destroys the relationship. It destroys your own peace of mind. It, your health, your health and your communication goes for it, us.

You react more, yeah. But it seems so hard for people to let go of stress. To just let go of it, it.

Seems- no, because nobody taught them how to get out of this.

Interesting.

Neither at school nor at home, no one teaches us how we can be free from stress.

We're seeing how to be stressful. But not how to get out of stress.

Get out of stressful.

We see other people stressed and we're mimicking that, but not how to be peaceful.

Yeah. Good, this education is missing. That is where I feel it's very important. Now, intellectually, you know, oh, I shouldn't be upset. I shouldn't be annoyed. I shouldn't lose my temper. All this intellectually, you know, as a concept, you know, you understand all that. But in practical life it doesn't seem to become a reality. It doesn't translate into reality. Your thoughts are different, your actions are different. This is where the breathing techniques and Sudarshan Kriya technique all come in so handy.

Yes.

Because it helps when it gives tools and technique for people to, you know, Just let go of those and feel the freshness from within.

How often do you feel stressed or angry today with all the wisdom that you have? Do you ever feel stressed or angry?

I look stressed today.

Not right now. Do you ever have a moment since I were like, I don't like that person did this thing or said this or does it ever like just a little bit and then you go back to your- Yes.

It will be so hard to believe, but it is the truth that I don't get this at all.

That's got to feel amazing. It's got to feel peaceful then. How much does the ability of someone needing to learn to heal support them in overcoming stress? If they still have emotional or physical wounds from the past or memories from.

The past that hurt them? That hurts to be healed. and again heal. This will help you to heal. Your breathing technique, meditation helps you to just come out of it. And that's what we have been doing in this country for all the war veterans. You know, they had tried all psychological things and then they have seen doctors and PTSD syndromes. 8,000 of war veterans in America alone have undergone these programs, healing breath workshops. And you must hear their experiences. It's so heartwarming. The mothers and the wives of those people have said, We got our son back. These same war veterans who just hide in their basement would not have any family life. and that the trauma of war wounds, the psychological wounds they had undergone, moral wounds were very difficult to heal. But just in few days time, three, four days time, they're completely on.

Wow.

So a gentleman even made a movie out of it, almost Sunrise is a movie they made on. And our technique, how this has helped many war veterans. That's a very interesting movie.

I feel like it's hard to be peaceful if we haven't learned to heal. It's hard to not react and be stressed if there's still a wound inside of us.

Absolutely, absolutely right. That is where wisdom combined with techniques would help them to get over.

Right.

Wisdom techniques and integrating these techniques consistently. Yeah.

And I'm not saying, oh, you have to practice for a long time, then you will find the effect. No. Within few days, within few sittings, three, four sittings, you can find the change.

Yes.

The healing is so fast.

Yes.

So at some point, sometime we even called this healing breath workshop when we started. But then Healing breath means its scope is very limited only for those who need. But many don't even realize they need these exercises to be more happier. So we change it into happiness program.

That's good. I like it. Yeah, I like that. You talked about the education system and what we aren't teaching our kids at home and in schools. If you could require in a hypothetical world, if you could ask that teachers or schools teach only three things to support the youth, what would those three lessons be?

Teach them how they can manage their emotions, number one. Number two, we have to teach them how they can accept others, and how to create a very cordial atmosphere, make more new friends in their schools and colleges, wherever they are. Third thing is to be resilient. You know, failures come in life. You know, you get fights, you get into some unpleasant situations, and how to snap out of it. without hanging on to it in your mind and worrying about it.

Going along with that, I think those are beautiful. Going along with that, I believe.

One.

Of the biggest fears for people is the fear of rejection, the fear of other people's opinions and rejection. How does someone learn to be okay with others rejecting them with nasty comments online, with people saying no to them over and over, how does someone learn to still love and appreciate themselves in the face of rejection?

You need inner strength for that. That's where the journey within will help you a lot.

Yeah.

You need inner strength to be able to be solid and not worry about what others say, not to be football of others' opinion. For that you need that inner strength. And it's a gradual growth. You can't say it can happen right tomorrow after listening to our podcast.

No.

For that they need to do a little bit of meditation, a little bit of wisdom, and all that will be the journey with them.

Yeah, for sure. But why do you think people hold on to the opinions of others so much? Why do we care so much about Why?

Because you don't have a bigger context about life. You don't see all the thoughts, all the opinions of people are changing, including your own. You had some opinion about somebody and then it just changed very fast or, you know, in few days or in few months, right? Your opinions do change. So, others, you must give others also the freedom to change their opinions.

It's true.

And we don't have to think their opinion is etched in stone and same all the time. It's just a ripple on the surface of water.

Yes.

And you have no control over that.

That's true.

And the bigger context to your life again and more being conscious of the But different treasure of wealth that you have, the beautiful qualities you possess as a human being will help you to overcome those things.

Broadening your perspective about life. I've heard you talk about, you know, that we have so many thoughts every single day in our mind, right? Thousands, millions of thoughts a day. What are the thoughts that we should be trying to focus on the most consistently when we have a negative thought? How can we replace it with something else?

I feel you shouldn't fight with any thoughts. The more you resist, the more those thoughts will come to you. There is a skill in dealing with the thought, turning the negative into positive. That skill is what meditation is all about. And if you are stressed, however you struggle to get rid of negative thought, it is impossible for you to get rid of them. If you don't get rid of stress and try to only manage the thought, it is not going to work. Root cause of all this negativity is the stress. You get rid of stress and you will see naturally you will have only positivity.

Right. And if you start to heal, you'll start to get rid of the stress.

Absolutely.

Yeah. Is it possible to be happy and hurt at the same time? Have like a wound emotionally or psychologically or physically? Is it possible to be happy at the same time that you're dealing with-.

Maybe partially there could be some, but should you to be really totally happy, you have to get rid of the the wounds. And I don't see it as impossible.

Right.

I see it is very much possible. Even if they take a little bit of inner journey, make that inner journey, meditate a little bit, have a broader context to life and serve in society in whatever capacity they can.

Yeah. What do you think people struggle with the most that you've seen over the last few months in society? Is it dealing with- Post to post.

Pandemic, what I see is there is aggression on one side and depression on the other side. People are swinging between these two extremes. At the drop of a hat, people lose their temper. and become so aggressive on one side. On the other side, there is depression and suicidal tendencies and feeling bad about themselves. This is also prevalent. And both I feel is not good for the health of a society, of an individual. So we need to get rid of these two extremities.

What's the root cause of aggression and depression?

Again, lack of robust mental health. And this is the talk of the town everywhere, mental health, we talk about it. But we are not thinking about remedies which are time tested like breathing, meditation, yoga, and all these things. Nature, nature walk. We are only thinking about what type of medication we can stuff ourselves with and steroids that you take and then you know, you blow to yourself even more. And I think the lifestyle changes, we need to adopt to ourselves. Yeah.

Why are people so influenced on these things or on things that really don't matter? about the journey within. Fancy things, superficial things, you know, more.

And more and more.

Why are people so focused on these things in life versus feeling peaceful and happy?

See, nature of mind is to wanting something new. Mind always goes for something new. Right. And fashion and more. But heart always longs for something old. You take pride in an old friend, not in a new friend.

Right.

And you take pride in having the latest model of car, a computer or a watch, right? That's the latest thing that the mind wants. So life is like that. Life is a combination of old and new. Like the roots are old, but the shoots come new. Right. And we had to balance them. And if you don't attend to the roots at all, there is no light.

That's true. How do you balance that in your life by having the mission that you're on and dealing with everything else that's happening?

Life is already balanced. You don't have to make struggle, make any, you know, attempt to balance it. It's been like this for me.

Right.

Because I want nothing for myself.

What's that?

I want nothing for myself.

Right.

I'm here to give and whatever I have. Yeah. That's it.

We've all desensitized So we don't want to put ourselves too much to what pain feels like.

So do you think when we're going through an experience of pain or suffering or whatever we're going through depression, that we should feel the feelings fully or how should we experience that time and how long should we be in that pain before we're like, you know what, enough is enough. Let's get out of this crap and start thinking positively.

Very good point. Well, once again, there is that symbol of the 40 years in the desert, the three days between the crucifixion and the resurrection. And I saw this, I've seen this in my life, the Congressional campaign was an example, but other times. And if you're honest, would you really take a look at yourself? This is the truth. Let's say you know that I went through something painful. And you say, Hey Marianne, I'm really sorry. I heard about your divorce. I heard about your bankruptcy. Whatever. And I'm like, Thanks so much. And you say, you know, let's go have a drink. Let's talk about it. And you're really there for me. But if six months later you see me again, and I'm telling the story, you're not going to naturally feel like, oh, let's go out and talk about it. You're going to actually be a little repelled. You can feel it in your gut. And other people can feel it too. That point where processing becomes milking it, talking about it becomes spewing.

Being a victim for too long, whatever.

And other people can feel it too. And when you're in that that holy tomb time, as my friend would say, people have a natural, hey, I'm sorry, you know, heard about that. Conscious people. And when somebody's, it's become their calling card, their victim story. Now you're, you're doing too much. I know he hurt you, but you're bad mouthing him in public. No, that's not cool. You, and that's how. And also, you know, people talk about, but at what point do you need medication? Because it's going on too long. Here we are. Everybody's talking about the wisdom of the body, the genius of the body. Everybody's doing muscle testing because the body's so smart. Why why don't we count tears as part of that? If the body is so intelligent, why are we assuming that it's not intelligent about how many tears you have to cry? So if you have 44, when you say how long does it go on? However long it has to go on. If you're conscious, if you're meditating, if you're working on forgiveness, if you're doing your spiritual work, that's a chapter on forgiveness. There's a chapter on relationships to do our work. And then if you have 45 tears to cry, 35 is not enough. And if you do a pharmaceutical bypass or whatever you do to self-medicate to To numb yourself, to distract yourself, it's in there. I mean, even talking about the campaign, I can talk about it. I don't think I could talk about it if, you know, because the only way to clear it is to move through it in life. And then there are lessons learned and hopefully ways that you can be a better person.

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The lawyer who threw me under the bus and cost me a lot of money. I had a hard time with him.

When was this?

Around 15 years ago.

Yeah. How long were you holding on to that?

It was a hard one. Years.

We're talking months. We're talking years.

I was bitter.

Decade. Yeah. Did you finally forgive?

Yeah, but see, once you know spiritual principle, spiritual principle, certainly as it's articulated in something like the Course in Miracles, says that you are 100% responsible for your experience. You and I might both go through the same experience, but how we contextualize it will determine its ultimate effect. Like I was saying at one of my lectures the other night, that I see more marriages break up not because of infidelity, but because of the other person's inability to forgive the infidelity.

Makes sense.

Someone were talking about we had a great marriage for 25 years. He went out, he had an affair with a girl. They did it around four or five times. It's been two years. He wants to remain in the marriage. He's really sorry. I can't forgive him. 25 years.

Yeah.

I mean, so, Right? And fortunately she got that and she saw that too. Forgiveness means that you are at choice. What are you going to focus on? Are you going to focus on the person's mistake or are you going to focus on anything they ever did right? Now, to the extent the way the mind operates, to the extent to which I am focused on what you did to me, to that extent I will be emotionally at the effect of what you did to me. Only if I'm willing to take the hook out of you, will the hook be out of me. Now, in terms of that lawyer, I wrote a book called the Law of Divine Compensation. And that book is about the fact that whenever there's a diminishment on the material plane, the universal substance will compensate. It's like if there's a hole in the ocean, it doesn't matter how big the hole, it doesn't matter what the shape of the hole, the universe, the ocean will fill it up. So from a metaphysical perspective, the Course in Miracles says, God has the answer to every problem the moment the problem occurs. that money, I had earned that money. So that lawyer, by doing what he.

Did.

And I think it was, and many people go through this, and I think a lot of women go through this, you think the men in suits are the ones who are gonna protect you, and the men in suits are the ones who, like, hello, awakening to that is one of them. Not all of them, but. So from A Course in Miracles perspective, If the money was mine, if I had earned that money, the universe, it was already programmed into the universe for that money to come back. But miracles can only occur where there is love. So, unforgiveness and withhold of forgiveness blocks the miracle, deflects the miracle. So, the bitterness in my personality was blocking the probability.

For it to come back.

For it to come back, to go on with your life, and more than that, we'll come back to you. You are letting him him, right? The only real abundance is love. And so when you are in abundance of love, all the abundance that matches the frequency of your need and your ultimate desire for your good, for yourself and all living things is already programmed. So your unforgiveness and your bitterness, as well as your own lack of atonement about your own mistakes, blocks the flow of the universe that would otherwise bring you all good.

So what was happening in this, however many years period of this lack of forgiveness for you. Were you being abundant or were other challenges coming up or did this?

Well, yes, it was just one of, you know, many situations in my life, but it just came up for me because you asked what was the longest that you ever, you know, once you know spiritual principle, that doesn't mean you automatically become a, an enlightened master and you never go to those places, but when you go to them, You know that you went to them. And, oh, I know what it was. It's interesting that you say that because I thought of something from before when I said I couldn't remember. The Buddha said that one of his Four Noble Truths is that nothing in the material world can provide anything but temporary happiness. So the entire social construct... Can I.

Say it one more time?

Things of the material world can provide only temporary happiness. Okay. Okay. So when you apply that to our culture, you see that the whole thing is a setup for despair. Because half the time we're struggling and grasping because our whole thing is you can make it, you can make it happen, figure out what would make you happy. You can have that, you can make that dream come true. You can have that house, you can have that career, you can have that money, you can have that sex, you can have that relationship. So half the time we're in struggle and grasping trying to make it happy because that's when we're gonna be happy. Then you get there and as Buddha said, it's only temporary. So inevitably the Ferris wheel is gonna rub off. The Ferris wheel is gonna rub off and then the rest of your time you're in despair over the fact that.

What you thought was gonna make you happy didn't make you happy. Yeah, that was my whole childhood essentially. Exactly. Until I was like 25.

Yeah.

I was always striving for something, achieving it and being like, why am I miserable now? Yeah, well I saw that in my.

Mind the other day.

I got a call that My book, it reached the New York Times bestseller list. I was very happy, you're number five on the New York Times bestseller list. So for about five minutes, I was like, Woo-hoo, right? Let's go have a drink. No, no, no, no, no, yes, exactly. The ego mind is insatiable. Maybe it's just a spike. Maybe I'm just gonna be on for one week. And by the way, who's one through four?

Why am I not number one?

Right, and how can I be, I've been number one before. Why about this time? I didn't quite go there, but I did go to what if I'm Off Next Week? And I just saw that's the active, that's the way the ego mind works. It's insatiable. It has no, no, it has no capacity for enough. It has no capacity for, I'm happy because I'm alive. I'm happy because I can give love and I can receive love, which is the only source of happiness. Should we be ambitious then?

Well, okay.

Does the embryo have to be ambitious to become a baby? Does the embryo have to say, I will become a baby. I will become a baby. Does an acorn have to say, I can strategize becoming an oak tree. Does the bud have to say, I know I can become a blossom if I work hard enough? Nature works through us all. Nature is intentional. Nature is intentional that your heartbeat, it is intentional that your lungs breathe, it is intentional that the bud blossom, it is intentional. And so when you are in your self-actualized state, which is not trying to make it happen, but allowing it to happen, Nature is ambitious through you because nature is intentional that all things rise to their highest level of creative possibility. And our struggle mode tightens us. You can feel it in your body. It puts you in a...

So how do you focus every single day on not being tight or struggling?

Meditation.

Is that a daily practice for you?

Oh, absolutely. I'm a Course in Miracles student, so I do the workbook of the course. I also do transcendental meditation, although I'm not dailY with that, like I am with the workbook of the course. There are many different paths of meditation, people doing yoga and meditation and prayer, a serious spiritual path, though, because a serious spiritual path, which is a path of relinquishing the thought system that dominates the world, the thought system of fear, and accepting instead a thought system based on love. So, like, I'm not an enlightened master. I'm not beyond going to those places. But it's like the whole thing about the bestseller list. I was able to laugh at myself mightily. I was able to guffaw. by myself once I saw myself going there. And then you surrender it to God and say, take this false ambition away from me and this craziness that's only here to hurt me.

What would you say are some non-negotiables for you every single day? It sounds like meditation is one. Are there a few other things you're like, I must do this every single.

Day, otherwise I'm going to feel the effects of whatever.

What's non-negotiable?

Like I must get a certain amount of sleep or I must monitor myself.

I must not make excuses for myself. What excuses do you make or have?

Well, I had a right to be angry. I had a right to be angry.

No, you did this to me.

Yeah, yeah. You know, we have a right to feel our feelings. You have a right, of course you have a right to feel whatever you feel. But maybe instead of saying I have a right to be angry, I have a right, I do, I take that back. I'm not saying that you don't have a right to be angry, but I never have a right to express it as an attack on another human being. That I think that- you- mean to attack back? Yes. Gotcha. We are too emotionally self-indulgent in our culture. We have this feeling, well, if I feel it, I have the right to say it. If I feel it, I have the right to do it. And this is a form of self-sabotage. Your ego mind is your self-hatred masquerading as your self-love. Some of the most selfish, self-sabotaging things we do these days, we call self-care. Setting a boundary. Well, there are healthy boundaries and there is self-care. But a lot of times, the ego mind will use that to justify what 20 years ago we just could have called selfish jerk behavior.

For example, what do you mean?

Well, I need to tell you that what you just did absolutely did not work for me. Well, that's not gonna open your heart. You know what? I might say, may I have something I'd like to discuss. Is this a good time for you? I mean, there might be feedback. There might be, but there is an appropriate way to talk about it. You know, sometimes these days we say, well, I communicate it. I needed to communicate my truth. But the word communication has the word commune inside it. So if I didn't commune when I was communicating, I actually didn't communicate. Because if it was, if I talked to you in a way that felt like an attack to you rather than genuinely communicating. You're not communicating. No, you're gonna, you're not gonna hear me. Defensive or you're gonna regard it or? So there's a line in the Course where it says, It is your job to tell your brother he is right even when he is wrong. That doesn't mean tell him he didn't do something foolish when he did, but to affirm your basic value as a human being. And if you feel that from me, then within that space, you know, this is just plain non, you know, non-violent communication skill. So when you say, what's non-negotiable for me? And I'm not, you know, I'm not an enlightened master. I don't get it right all the time. But what is, what I think I am pretty good at is. You know, like that line, tell the truth as soon as you know it. I think I'm pretty good at telling myself the truth as soon as I know it. Like, wow, you really blew it just now. That was really dumb. Apologize, send an email. Try to monitor yourself. You know, the ego mind wants to monitor you or you. How did you two never wants to monitor ourselves?

And are you pretty active? Do you do yoga or some type of physical workout practice?

Yeah.

What is it, yoga?

I do yoga. And I have become less religious with my cardio recently, and I have made a commitment. When I go home this week, I'm getting back to all that.

All right. Okay.

Yeah, I'm 63 years old. What?

No.

And some stuff that's impressive. Thank you. Some of the stuff that's cosmetic when you're younger becomes like, no, you have to do this. It's not even like just to look okay. Just to stay here.

Sure, sure, gotcha. What are you most grateful for in your life recently?

My daughter. Yeah, I have a fantastic daughter.

How old is she?

26.

All right.

Yeah.

What are you most proud about with her?

She's happy, she's contributive, she's achieved, she's well adjusted. My only real regret in life is that I didn't have more kids.

Yeah.

Do you have children?

No kids.

Not yet.

It's nothing like it.

Really?

Everything else pales in comparison.

What's the biggest lesson you learned about your life from having her?

It's just how beautiful life is. You know, everything else is, I mean, love is what matters.

Yeah.

You know, everything else is like, what are we talking about here? You know, we have a society in which, and I talk about this in the book, people pay more attention to taking care of their car than taking care of their relationships. You know, we, if you, you could buy a Bentley, you could buy a Rolls-Royce, but you're going to take it off the, off the, the law. You're still gonna have to put gas in it. You're still gonna have to maintain it. The fact that that's why it's high maintenance, because it's a great car. But we expect our relationships to just take care of themselves and not be such a problem. I have to do so much. No, that's kind of the point in relationships as well. as everything else, you get what you put into it. You know, sometimes I'll say, in my lectures, I'll say, I don't want anybody to raise your hand or anything, because I don't want to put you on a spot. But if you're in love or if you're married, did you pray for your partner's happiness this morning? Did you wake up this morning and before he or she left the house and said, just want to remind you, you are so fantastic. And I so believe in you and you were so hot and you were so Did you, did you, you know, we always talk about how important it is that we build children's self-esteem. At what age do we stop needing that? And also we talk about how it's important to tell your children to say their prayers. At what age should we stop doing that? Right? We're so clear that children, you must build their self-esteem. Well, you could use the help too, and so could I. Yeah. And it's a full time, you know, monitoring your own life, your own mind, Being vigilant on behalf of your own best self, downloading the best version of yourself, atoning for your own mistakes. You know, a lot of the pain that we feel when we go through difficult times in our lives is, you know, I messed up and if only I had done it different, et cetera. You can't numb yourself or distract yourself from that pain. In all the religious traditions, spiritual traditions, Catholicism, there's confession. In Judaism, the holiest day of the year is Yom Kippur or Day of Atonement. In Alcoholics Anonymous, you have to take a fearless moral inventory. You have to admit the exact nature of your wrongs. You have to look at that. I blew it. I made a mistake. And atone, atone for that. It's a spiritual, it's not self-will. It's you give this to God, I did this, I get it. And I atone for that error. It's like a cosmic reset button. and then the only way you can get yourself respect back is if you do something that would make you respect yourself. Like, I'm gonna be different this time. I'm not going to be that way next time. I'm going to be a better person today. And what I, I, if you, if you really see as your life's purpose to actualize and be the best you can be and rise to the occasion in every situation, including your relationships, and to be really present, you don't have time for all that other caca and craziness and criticism and blame and victimization. If you filled your house with light, darkness can't come in.

And are you, you're not married anymore, right? No. No, are you in a relationship now?

No, I'm not. Well, tougher question.

Okay, we'll leave it for after the interview. Who was the most influential person in your life growing up?

My father. My father. My father was a magical character, although, you know, As life has gone on, I think my mother, I think I undervalued my mother in some way. So I realize now that the answer is both my parents. But my father was a magical, charismatic person.

You feel like we can as human beings find peace if we have pain, sadness, or darkness inside of us, and we're always running away from it or numbing it?

No, there's no way. I think you're just, it's almost like you're being hunted. You know, like you're running, but your emotions are hunting you. They're trying to find you in some way or another to get you to acknowledge them and try to process them, because how can you walk around with such a heavy load? And I mean, that was like the, you know, fast forward a year later, I stopped all the hard drugs, started changing my habits, started eating a little bit better, started exercising, starting examining my relationships and, you know, it was sad because I started noticing how shallow all of my relationships were. And. But when I started meditating and I was even more so had to practice being with my emotions. I went through that. You know, it was silent, tended meditation course. First one I had ever done. And it was so difficult. But at the end of it, I felt like I felt like my mind had lost like 100 pounds.

Holy cow.

You know? And I was like, how do I like, my mind feels better? And even though like I barely finished this course, but it was, that's when it showed me, I was like, oh, you can actually heal yourself. And that, that's, I think the reason why I'm here now.

Wow.

What, what do you think happens if we never process and acknowledge our emotions?

I think repetition. It's that you keep repeating, you keep sort of living through going through the motion and you end up slowly just accumulating more and more density because you're just repeating the same reactive habit patterns over and over again. And we don't realize that every reaction, it creates an imprint on the mind and it predisposes the mind to react in the same way, to perceive in the same way. So you can just get denser and denser and denser.

Yeah, and I think these reactions also cause our nervous system to then follow suit and react and be on more high alert, which causes chronic stress, chronic illness and.

Exactly.

And disease in the body as well. When our mind is not able to address the pains of the past and process it correctly. So you get into meditation, then you do a 10-day silent meditation Retreat, and then afterwards are you all in two hours a day, or do you get away from it from a while, come back later?

Yeah, it takes, it took me a while. It took me like two years to start meditating two hours a day where I would just, I didn't understand what was happening in the meditation course. Like I, I didn't quite understand why it was working, but I knew I felt better, right? Like I was like, do my best to follow the instructions, the meditation instructions. And I, so that was July of 2012 was the first one. And when I realized that I felt better, I ended up signing up for another one two months later.

A 10-day one.

Yeah, so I signed up. Silent, 10 days again. Wow. And then the second one was September of 2012. And I got the same result. I was like, Shoot, I feel better again. You know, like I feel better.

Dang it. This thing works.

Oh, man. It was tough going back into it the second time because I knew how hard it is.

Demanding.

Yeah, it's really demanding. I mean, you're there, you're meditating like 10 plus hours a day and you.

Can'T speak to anyone.

You're not speaking to anyone. You know, if you have questions to the teachers, you can ask them questions, clarification and whatnot. But you're really there almost for, you know, for that 10 day period practicing living like a monk. Like you're not going to become a monk or anything like that, but you're, you know, it's a monk type life.

Yeah.

And It was, you know, grueling because you sort of, you get yourself away from all of the distractions. Like there's no phone, no emails, no social media. No social media, no nothing. It's just you and yourself and this practice that's going to help you engage better with everything that arises.

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Yeah.

And you were in a relationship with your now wife before then, I guess, for probably four or five years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we were together about six years before the first meditation course. And so that first six-year period, like, we got together young. Like, she was 18 and I was 19. We met in college. Immediately there was a connection there. like immediately we became great friends, were hanging out alone all the time, and there was no like, you know, we were like friends first for a while. And I think after three months we realized that there were feelings there and we got together, but there was just connection and there was just there is probably zero emotional maturity between the two of us. We didn't know how to process our own emotions. We didn't know how to argue in a manner that would be productive. We, you know, all we knew was blame was, you know, the battle to win arguments. Really? And really, like, I, you know, now that I think about it, it's really like, it's dominance. Like, if you want to win an argument, right, it's, it's, what are you trying to do? It's, it's, you want to dominate the narrative.

Yeah.

And we would just, it was a rough, we were, like, in this tough hurricane for six years together, and we'd, we'd break up, get back together, but we never could really pull fully apart because the connection was just so undeniable. So we kept trying to figure out, how can we do this better? And it wasn't until we started meditating that ever so slowly harmony started arising in our relationship. And now, I mean, we're in a far better-- there's nothing perfect about the picture, right? But we're in a far better place because healing has happened inside of both of us as individuals. Self-awareness has developed, so there's less projection between us, and we've developed that calmness so that we can have patience when we have to, like, talk through, you know, more serious things.

I mean, it sounds like you both had your own wounds or your own past pains or whatever it might be. When two people get together and they haven't healed their past, what typically happens from experience that you've seen over the last 10 years of couples you've met or stories you've heard?

I mean, you just see you. So this is the thing that I find really often is like, whenever two people are in close proximity, whether they're in a relationship or not, an intimate relationship or not, they're, you literally have two egos. And these two egos, when they rub up against each other, sometimes there's going to be friction. Egos are rough, right? It's almost like two rocks. You rub the right rocks and there's gonna be fire, right? So these egos, I think when we carry that past pain, they're dense, they're super rough. And when you do that healing work, you smooth out that roughness, you decrease that density that you're carrying so that you can have more self-awareness when points of friction happen. Because those are undeniable. You're not gonna like heal yourself, and then never more will you have arguments or anything like that. That's unrealistic. But you can sort of maintain your inner harmony or try your best to while something difficult is happening.

I love that you're kept using this word harmony because that's what I feel like I've been developing within me for the last few years in my healing journey at this stage of healing. Because I feel like healing is a journey and you're to keep healing forever. this stage of healing, it's been the. The word and the theme has always been Harmony and developing it within me. Yeah. And really not worrying what's happening around me. But as long as I create that within me, I'm gonna have more peace in my external world. And when two people in relationship develop, cultivate Harmony, cultivate a beautiful garden inside of them, as opposed to, you know, a desert or rocky mountains inside of them. It's easier to navigate challenges in life.

Can I ask you, so what does like harmony feel like for you?

Peace.

Peace. Peace. Nice.

Like laying on a calm beach and just hearing waves gently grazing the sand.

That's so just calm. Yeah, it's funny because I'm like, I'm thinking to myself when I was listening to you talk, like how do I perceive harmony and it's clarity and peace?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah. You talk about this on page 154 of the way forward. When your self-love increases, you become far less willing to harm others. Why? Because real self-love slowly opens the door to unconditional love for all beings. And it sounds like the more I'm talking to you about this, it sounds like when we have hurt or sadness about something in our life, whether it's a recent hurt or sadness or past that keeps coming up, We don't know how to fully love ourselves for the pain, the shame, or the feelings we have towards that memory. And so we have guilt, sadness, anger, resentment, a lack of forgiveness of others, of ourselves. And therefore we harm self and probably others more frequently when we do that.

Totally.

But you said again, when your self-love increases, that's when you're more in harmony with yourself and less reactive to others is what it sounds like.

Totally, totally. I really believe that. I think if you were literally to wonder, like, what is the missing piece? And we're talking about both words, like a piece in a puzzle and peace in the earth. Like, what's missing? It's self-love. And I really genuinely believe, and I've seen this process not only happen inside of me, but others. And as that, we're talking genuine self-love, like, not commercial self-love, not like, what are you buying yourself and all this stuff? Not that. We're talking about how you engage with yourself in an accepting manner, right? The energy you put into your personal transformation, the sort of the willingness to engage with your own emotional history. That's what I really think is genuine self-love. But once you're able to engage with yourself and activate those parts of self-love so that you can better know and heal yourself, then that sort of reactive pattern to lash out on others, to, you know, wish harm on others, all those things just decrease, they melt away. And even for people you don't like, you know, you're just like, oh, I wish them the best. But I may they be over there, but I wish them the best, you know?

Exactly.

And I think that's pretty across the board. I think as people really develop that quality and can just engage with their past better, I think they're less likely to want to harm others.

It's so fascinating because there was definitely decades where I was extremely reactive or combative or defensive or emotional, right, in certain moments. Not all the time, but like when I was triggered, when the wound was triggered in me, I had this like, okay, I want to win, I want to be right, I want to defend. And I always felt like people just don't understand me. People like, don't get me. And I was like, why don't they understand me? Why I'm so angry or why I'm frustrated about these certain moments. Now, after being on a healing journey, I can witness other people doing it and say, oh wow, yeah, I remember that. Cause that was me for a long time.

Yeah, for sure.

And have compassion for people, but also know that the only way I was able to have more calm and inner peace was doing the healing work. That's the only way I was able to get there. Cause I tried it from other ways, making money, being successful, having you know, attractive women around me trying all the things that you think are going to bring you more peace. They didn't bring me peace. And it was until I did the inner work and I turned around and I faced the pain. Yeah. As opposed, you know, the thing that was hunting me and haunting me, I faced it and started to work with it.

Yeah.

As opposed to run away from it. That's when over time it started to have more, you know, calming reactions. It's still not perfect, but definitely improved over time. You know, your four life lessons in your book, you say the first one, build inner peace or fall to outer chaos. This is like the missing piece in the world, but also the peace within you. Your life number one life lesson of these four life lessons is build inner peace or fall to outer chaos. Second one you say is be flexible. Being flexible does not mean giving up the third, appreciate the closest friends in your life and the fourth, challenging times do not last forever. The only thing is, challenging times may last forever if you don't face them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, these painful memories will keep coming up.

Yeah, keep haunting you.

Yeah. Unless you face them and find a way to build inner peace.

Yeah.

Right?

No, it's really true. And I think it's interesting because you can look at it from different perspectives where challenging times, you know, ultimately everything that arises ultimately passes away. So something that may be difficult may disappear and then it may come back, right? So in that sense it doesn't last forever. But in the other sense that you're talking about is totally true where there will be particular difficulties that you carry within you that will just keep popping up, popping up. They'll get triggered by a certain thing that your memory is like, oh, this again. Danger, danger, danger. And then you feel the reaction again. So these things have to be addressed. And I love that you're pointing out too, you know, the fall to falling to outer chaos. Because that's something that I feel like, you know, as people who care about personal transformation, people who really want to build peace within themselves, the challenge is, can you maintain your energy the way you want it to be? Because human beings, we are often in the system of like osmosis where if I have a particular emotion, whether it's anger or joy, right, whatever it may be, I'll usually want, well, want another person to join us in that emotion. Right.

Right?

So it's like- Bad ones. Yeah, exactly. Even the bad ones. So like if I'm angry, I'm like, please, please join me in my anger. And either by making you angry or by being like, let me tell you a story about this thing that happened that pissed me off. Please join me in also being angry.

Sure, they did this. Yeah.

Right. But the same thing with the lighter emotions. Right? We want to partake in them. And those are beautiful. Like those happily, yeah, let me join you in your joy. Like, I would love to be happy for you. But when someone is inviting you to join them in their anger, whether by pissing you off or by telling you what pissed them off so you can be angry with them, I think those moments are where the real sort of like, this is a test, right? This is like, I don't need to join you in this anger. Actually, I'm okay. Like, I don't want that heaviness. I could even practice, especially if it's a dear loved one, I could even practice listening to you and seeing you, but also just maintaining my peace while I'm trying to see you. And it's really difficult, right? It's not like a, you know, get 100% type test, but you can do your best to just keep your energy as it is, especially as you're moving through different environments, you know, moving out of the work environment to, you know, different situations that you're in, because I think being able to manage your own energy, I think it's just a sign of mastery.

It is a huge sign of mastery. And when you are in reaction mode, something else has power over you.

Oh, yeah.

Something else is more powerful than you are. Yeah. And it's when I learned that, it p*sses me off because I felt like I was always in control. But when I was reacting or defensive or guarded or frustrated, I realized later I was like, man, I allowed that person, that. That moment, that thing to have power over me to get into a negative state. Yeah. That's not fulfilling. That's not fun.

Yeah.

So I had to learn how to deconstruct that and have more Mastery over my emotions. And it doesn't mean I'm perfect, and I still get frustrated, and I still have moments of, you know, anger, but I'm aware. I'm aware of it quicker, and I'm like, yeah, let's shift out of this. This isn't serving my vision.

Yeah.

It's not serving me.

You know, when you're in a group in a situation like that where maybe the whole group is getting upset by a particular situation, if one person is able to put their head above the water and they're like, oh, actually we're okay. You know, this sucks, but we're gonna be fine. And then everyone kind of can, you know, gets another opportunity to kind of wake up a little bit and they're like, oh yeah, we're good. You know, we don't have to just roll in anger right now together because people don't quite get, like, you can be skillful. without creating all this immense tension in your mind. You can still assess the situation and be like, oh, this situation needs my attention. I need to solve it without producing so much stress in the process.

You talk about focusing on four fundamentals that can massively change your life. I want to see if you can read the... I've been reading your book, but I want to see if you can read these four.

Oh, so I wrote this one after finishing a 45-day meditation course. It was like the first thing I wrote. Focusing on a few fundamentals can create a massive change in your life. Number one, make your healing, personal transformation, and well-being top priorities. Number two, refrain from harming yourself or others. Three, create mental space for gratitude. Four, be kind and generous to others.

Yeah, this is, if everyone on the planet made these four things their top priority, the world would be a more harmonious, peaceful place. And it starts with making healing, personal transformation, and well-being your focus. Because when we don't make it our focus, it's not present. It's not in us. and we become sick, we become sad, we become cynical, all these different things. And that doesn't create positivity in the world. It doesn't move things forward in a powerful way. So making your healing, personal transformation and well-being a top priority, that alone, most people aren't spending the time like you talked about to create mental space for that to happen. They're not living in gratitude even for a moment. throughout the day. They're not creating 10 minutes to just think in peace without being on a distraction or a phone or a TV. And really think about where can I invest my time in well-being? And if people could spend one hour a day on just well-being, whether it's calm mind, whether it's meditation, whether it's walking, whether it's working out, going to therapy, one hour a day on their well-being, It will drastically improve the quality of their life.

It totally does. I've gotten so many messages from especially like mothers, you know, mothers who like have so many responsibilities and so many things they're doing and, you know, hearing stories about how they were inspired to just take like 10, 15, 20 minutes to themselves to just like do whatever it was that they needed to recalibrate, right? To whatever practice, whatever tool they had to just like get back into a certain degree of balance. And it's fine, it's, you know, you know it's good for you, but it's until you practice it, until you do it, until you see the results, you know, you see the payoff of the investment. And until you see the payoff of the investment, you're not like then that's when you double down. And I think that's what happened to me personally when, you know, I would go to these 10-day meditation courses, like I told you, like I was doing that for two years, and I, I think I did for about five of those courses before I started meditating two hours a day. And I had seen, I'm like, this is completely changing my mind. Like, I'm not fully healed, not fully wise or anything like that. I got the inspiration to start writing, but then I knew I was like, if I bring this into my everyday life, the results would be even bigger.

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