In this Five Minute Friday episode, psychotherapist Esther Perel explores the nature of desire and its relationship to love, confidence, and everyday life. She reframes desire as "owning the wanting"—a personal, non‑sexual drive that is sparked by confidence, being in one’s element, and engaging in vibrant, life‑affirming activities. Perel contrasts desire with love’s caretaking impulse, noting that excessive caretaking can become an anti‑aphrodisiac. She proposes a calibrated balance, likening it to walking: shifting weight between feet rather than staying on one side. Desire, she argues, requires emotional risk—showing up differently for a partner, taking intentional, playful actions, and creating a dedicated erotic space (e.g., meeting at lunch when both are energized). This intentional, pre‑meditated time does not guarantee sex but makes it more likely, turning routine responsibility into a source of erotic energy. Throughout, Perel emphasizes confidence, personal vitality, and the willingness to break habitual patterns as keys to sustaining erotic intelligence in long‑term relationships.
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This is Five Minute Friday. Now Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist notable for exploring the tension between the need for security and the need for freedom in human relationships. She's promoted the concept of erotic intelligence in a best-selling book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence, which was published in 2006 and has since been translated in 24 languages. She has given two TED talks, which have received more than 8 million views. I heard her speak recently and it blew the audience away.
What is desire? Desire is to own the wanting. If you ask people a question that goes like this, I turn myself off when I turn myself off by not you turn me off when and what turns me off is. You're gonna hear I turn myself off when I do emails, when I spend too much time on the phone, when I overeat, when I don't exercise, when I have bad days at work, when I don't feel confident, when I numb myself, when I feel dead, when I don't feel thriving, when I'm not alive. you will really hear that it has very little to do with sex. And when you ask people, I turn myself on when or by, I awaken my desires. Not you turn me on when and what turns me on is, which is, I.e. you're responsible for my wanting. What people will talk to you about is when I'm in nature, when I'm connected with my friends, when I get to do my sports, when I play music, when I listen to music, it's stuff that gives me pleasure that is alive, that is vibrant, that is vital, that is erotic in the full sense of the word as life force. And from that place, people remain interested in having sex with somebody else for the long haul. Not because they've scratched their arms for two seconds.
Right, right, right.
It's, I feel good about myself. The biggest turn on is confidence.
Right.
Confidence. You ask people, when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? Every description has to do with when they're in their element, when they're on stage, when they're doing their sport, when they are radiant, when they are in their studio, on the piano, on the horse, you name it. It's when they are in their element, i.e., they don't need me to take care of them.
They're not depressed and down and lonely and sad.
They're not needy. They don't need me because desire is about wanting you. Love is also about needing you. Caretaking is a very powerful experience in love and it is a very powerful anti-aphrodisiac.
So how do you experience love and desire at the same time?
You calibrate it.
So sometimes you're...
It's the same as when you walk. You have to move from one foot to the other. A balance is not about staying on one side. A balance is the ability to see right now we don't need caretaking. We can be mischievous, we can be naughty, we can be playful, we can break our own rules, we can stay home and not go to work at eight o'clock.
Right.
And now we are in a playful zone. Now we are feeling that we are bringing our own little transgressions home. We are alive. We're not just being dutiful, responsible, good citizens. It's that, it's very small, you know? I always think when I go and I see people at lunch and you see them talking and they're well dressed and they're awake and all that, I say, who is here with their partner? Because you can see them, they're engaged, they're giving the best of themselves. That's erotic. No, the majority are not there with their partner. They're there with their friends, with their colleagues. Their partner is going to get the leftover when they come home at night. Sorry, you know what? Forget the night date. Meet at lunch when you actually have energy. And in the middle of the day like that, when you're awake, when you have something to offer, it's a very small thing. They don't do it. They don't do it. And you say, why not? Why not? Why don't you stay an hour extra at home in the morning and not just because when you have a headache and just say, this matters to me. All in all, you know, committed sex is premeditated sex. It's not just gonna happen. Because whatever is gonna just happen already has. So you're gonna make it happen because you say, we matter, we're important. Let's do this. Let's spend. It doesn't mean if you're gonna make love or have sex, it just means we're gonna take this hour And there's nothing else that matters in this moment, but just you and I to be together, to check in. And then we'll see what unfolds. That's the erotic space in which sex may happen, probably will, doesn't have to, but it is the place from which it is much more likely to emerge. But people don't do that. They do the responsibility, that's the love, right? The citizen, the commitment, the care taking, the burdens, the safe. And then they say, I'm bored. I would be too.
Exactly. There's no mystery. There's no risk taking, right? Exactly, yeah.
There's no risk taking. That's the word. If you want desire, it's risk. And the risk is an emotional risk. It's not about sexy risks. It's really a risk on the emotional front, is that I bring something else to you today.
It's okay.
Differently, differently from the way I typically present myself.
Sure.
You know, how can I do this? What can I do today that will be different from the ways that I've done it until now? How can I do something that I think would actually improve our relationship? Me, right? Not something that I want or that you want, but that I think would be actually good for us, that third entity, the us. Right? And you check every time, how often do you just go on the tried and trodden, as in, you know, it works.
