740 The Secret to Happiness

This is one topic that has always fascinated me. It's the thing that everyone seems to want, but most people don't know what it really is. They are chasing something, and without knowing what they're looking for or where it is, that thing is happiness. And over the last few months, I've been asking guests that come in what they believe happiness is and how it can be obtained. They've given some great insights and I wanted to share them with you. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. [Speaking of the language] Chances are you've asked, where does happiness come from? And how do I get to that place? Well, Marissa Peer and Susan David both gave some insights about destination happiness.

People think there's a destination called happiness and they're going on it. There is no destination called happiness. Happiness is the journey. Happiness is an inside job. You're never going to arrive at a terminal called happiness. but the train you're on, the car you're in, whatever, that is happiness. So you have to choose to be happy now because you can't go to happiness. But if you choose it, it will come to you. So you've got to be happy all the time. It's an inside job. It's a state of mind. It's actually a choice. Because I'm happy to be in hospital getting these great drugs. So it's so unfair that I'm sick. I'm happy that I've got a kid that gets strawberries all over the carpet, as opposed to why have I got a kid that's so badly behaved? You've got to choose to be happy in adversity rather than believe that when there's no adversity, I'll be happy. When there's no stress, I'll be happy. Monks on desert islands are stressed. People with money who are living on a yacht who've got an amazing body are stressed because you can't go to happiness. you have to be happy now and then happiness will always be there.

What most people don't understand about happiness is that happiness cannot be a goal. What is fascinating is that we live in a society that tells us that we should chase happiness, pursue happiness, and that we deserve happiness. And in fact, what the research shows is that when people pursue happiness as a goal, they actually become less happy over time. They become so focused on the idea that there's this thing out there called happiness that they should be getting, that they are not actually connected with themselves in the world as it is now. And what's fascinating is that I love this quote, which is, Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. And I think that that applies to happiness, which is that when you have this expectation of being happy and you set it as a goal, you filter everything through that experience. And so there's been a lot of research showing that when people are framed to look at how happy they are or to assess things through the eyes of happiness, they become more unhappy over time and they experience actually less joy. So what I would say about happiness is that happiness comes through not chasing positive emotions. Rather, happiness comes through being able to be willing to experience whatever emotion you feel, whether that's sadness or anything else. And that when you're compassionate and open to yourself, you actually start experiencing authentic happiness rather than forced or false happiness.

So if happiness isn't a destination we can land on, then that leads me to my next question. What exactly is happiness? James Clear, who is known for being analytical, really broke down what the true definition of happiness is.

This is maybe a technical answer rather than a more practical or actionable one. But happiness is just the absence of desire. So if you are craving a change in state, if you want something, then you're not happy because you desire to be in a different state than you are right now. So first you realize like, I am hungry and then I crave something so I'm not happy because I haven't eaten yet. Or I realize my current state is I don't have enough money and I want to have more money so now I'm not happy because I have this gap between my current current state and my desired one. But in between that, as desires get resolved, there's a space where you don't want the next thing. So happiness is just not wanting something. It's just, it's, it's like observing your life without craving a change in it. And so I would say that happiness, in a lot of ways, you could say it's just like presence. As long as you observe your life and don't crave for it to be different for you to change your state, then you're happy and content in your current state.

This definition of not wanting or pursuing things makes a lot of sense. But how do we get to that mental state? What are some actionable steps that will help us get to a state where we can really be happy? Luckily, I got some insights from number one New York Time bestselling author Rachel Hollis from my good friend Rich Roll, Sean T and Trent Shelton to break down how We get to a happy state.

Something that most people don't understand about happiness, that it's not an outside, it's not, it's not an outs, that it's not, how do I say this? Happiness isn't dependent on outside influence. Happiness is something that you create for yourself. I think that I grew up in a home where, really severe depression and anxiety and panic attacks and all these things, really a lot of mental illness in my family. And there was this belief that this was just the way things are. We're always going to be this way. There's nothing that we can do to change it. And if I have learned anything about joy, it's that you have to reach for it every single day. You wake up and you get to decide, today's going to be awesome or today's going to suck and I've got to choose it. so I definitely think that that's something that I wasn't taught and that I don't know that most people are taught is this is up to you. And if you want to be happy, that's on you. If you're unhappy, you've got to take ownership of that. And if you want to be happy, that's your choice as well.

I think people think that their happiness.

Can be achieved through.

Through the external, through accomplishments, through relationships, through career, through finances.

And they don't understand that the ability to be happy resides within them all the time.

And it's about the relationship that you have with yourself.

What most people don't understand about happiness is that happiness is not connected to material things in any way, shape or form. it's just not it's not connected to money, it's not connected to a house, it's not connected to your job. It's really connected to interpersonal relationships. And it starts with the interpersonal relationship you have with yourself. If you have a great relationship with yourself, you can have a great relationship with other people. And you know, and when you have great relationships with other people, like happiness happens. The other thing is, happiness also has different levels.

You.

Can'T really appreciate happiness if you don't know what it's like to be sad. So you also have to embrace all the emotions that come along with happiness. And so if you take happiness, you have to understand that there's a lot of emotions that go into it. But more importantly, it's about the interpersonal relationship you have with yourself. And if you do things that surround greatness, within you. Come on, the Masculinity School of Greatness, you know. But if you do things that make you just feel great about who you are, do things, not buy things, not drive things, not eat things. It's not about fitness or anything like that at all. It's if you do things that help you feel good about who you are, then happiness is going to happen. And it's going to be, it's going to radiate out to so many people. and so many things, and you will impact the world. It doesn't matter if you have one Instagram follower or 35,000 or 100 million, like some people.

You know, we live in a world where we think that happiness is something that we buy, happiness is something that we search for, something that people give us. And I think as long as you're dependent on somebody to give you happiness, you might find yourself unhappy. And so I think understanding who you are, Embracing who you are, how you created everything about you, flaws and perfection is perfection. Realizing that that makes you the perfect you. I think that's what happiness rests. So happiness is something that's inside of you. It's not something that you go search for.

So as you can see, happiness starts within yourself. The foundation of happiness starts with your personal relationship with you. How you feel about where you are in your life, the things you say to yourself, the things you think about, and whether you reward or punish each moment of your life. But let's be honest, does happiness only come from within? Is it impossible to achieve happiness through outside items? Brooke Ence, a top CrossFit competitor, gave some interesting insights to this.

I think that most people, you know, go through this turmoil of, either thinking that they have to have certain things to be happy, or they have the polar opposite of saying that I should be happy without anything. No thing should make me happy. And I think it's a matter of understanding that happiness is such a personal, it all starts with how you think about yourself. And if you, it's like if you want a new pillow, you want new pillows at your house, that's okay. If you buy those pillows, do those pillows every time you come in the house, they make you happy? When you sit on the couch and they're soft and you love them and you lay on them, it makes you happy? That's okay. Some people could look at that and say, oh, you need this materialist, you need this material to make you happy.

No.

You just like the pillows. And it's okay to like things. And it's okay to want things. That's okay. I think that it's more people need to focus on themselves. How they talk to themselves. How they allow themselves to enjoy life. How they allow themselves to enjoy the people around them and allow themselves to be happy or to be sad. I think that for me, I've found that in moments where I feel like I can't be sad or I can't be mad, and I sort of try to fake my happiness because that's what I'm told I should do, I'm supposed to remain positive. If I just allow myself to feel what I'm naturally feeling, But understand that those feelings don't define me, and I can move through them or let them pass. And outside of those moments or those feelings, I'm already working on being happy or enjoying life and enjoying the people I work with and enjoying things around me. I naturally come right back to being happy. And it's not something that I'm faking. It's not something that I'm trying to do. It's just because I am living my best life. And it doesn't come from someone else, you know, kind of how I spoke.

About how.

Giving too much power to people that don't matter, strangers really, give more power to yourself and have more work on how you talk to yourself and how you're, you know, compassionate with yourself. will only result in happiness. And everyone else will come and go. You're constantly meeting new people, constantly having new experiences. So if you really focus on what you truly want, what your heart truly wants, and how you treat yourself, everything else will just, it will become that. You know, the people around you will become more happy. You'll treat people better. Your business will be better. And overall, that doesn't mean there won't be sad moments or mad moments, but You can move through them and the journey through those ups and downs becomes so much smoother. You get through them so much faster versus always just trying to lie to yourself or force it or force happiness or force positivity.

So happiness is a very personal thing and you can get advice from others on how you can find it. But in the end, you are the only one who can decide what happiness is for you. If you find that you're not happy, understand that it's okay. We can't all be happy all the time, but that doesn't mean it's okay to never be happy. Take this time to self reflect. Why are you not happy? What is it that you need or want that is missing in your life? Find that absence that James was discussing, and understand that happiness does start within, but can be led to from outside of yourself. It's okay to let a car or a physical item make you happy, but you need to understand if that's really what makes you happy, or if there's something underneath it all that you're really looking for. Do you want the car to make people think differently about you? Because if that's why, the car won't make you happy. So my challenge to you is to take time today to think about what you truly want in life. What is it that will make you feel complete? What will create the absence of what? What will create the absence of want in your life? And ultimately, how is your relationship with yourself? I hope you enjoyed this episode all about the power of happiness. You know how much I love you, how much I appreciate you. If you enjoyed this, please share it with your friends. Tag me on Instagram and social media @LewisHowes. Subscribe to our podcast if this is your first time here. And as always, you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.