758 Finding Love and Thriving in Relationships

This is episode number 758, Valentine's Day Special, Keys to Finding Love and Thriving in Love. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome to a very special Coffee Conversations. I've got my good friend Caesar in the house who hasn't been on here in a while. We decided to come on and talk about dun dun da, the relationships. Yes, talking about some of our previous relationships, the biggest lessons we've learned, and how to find the right love for you and how to thrive in that love. And I wanted to start with a quote. I saw this on Instagram recently by Bo Taplin. The one thing I know for sure is that feelings are rarely mutual. So when they are, drop everything. Forget belongings and expectations. Forget the games, the two days between texts, the hard to get because this is it. This is what the entire world is after and you've stumbled upon it by chance, by accident. So take a deep breath, take a step forward, now run, collide like planets in a system of a dying sun, embrace each other with both arms and let all the rules, the opinions and common sense crash down around you. Because this is love, kid, and it's all yours. Believe me, you're in for one hell of a ride. After all, this is the one thing I know For sure. Oh, that gives me goosebumps when I read that. You deserve the love of your life. You deserve the person that you admire, that you respect, that you just fall in love with. And you deserve to find someone that feels the same about you. Anything less, there's gonna be some challenges. There's gonna be challenges even when you find that person. but when you don't have the foundations right and you pick the wrong person or pick the person that doesn't meet these six criteria that me and Cesar are gonna talk about, then it's gonna be more challenging, more issues, more anxiety than are necessary. And trust me, there's no greater feeling than being in love, than being loved, than loving someone else, than doing something good for someone else. There's no greater feeling than having that mutual respect, that mutual admiration, that mutual feeling. But like this quote said, feelings are rarely mutual. So when they are, drop everything. Forget all the games and all the rules. Just go. It's gonna be scary when you feel that, but you gotta go. And in this interview, we talk about the discussion between me and Cesar. We share some of the crazy experiences we've had in our past relationships, some of the mistakes and things we did that were wrong, some of the things that other people did wrong to us and open up. we really open up about a lot of these different things. What's happening in the climate right now for people in relationships and the six key points for finding the right partner and then thriving with the right partner. And if you miss out on these six keys then and you get into a relationship for the wrong reasons, it's most likely going to end out poorly and not as good as it could be. So, Get ready. Let me know if you enjoy this one. This is the first time we really dove in and talk about relationships in such an intimate, eye-opening way. So let me know what you think of this one. Share with your friends, lewishouse.com/758. We'd love to hear your thoughts. Tag me@lewishouse and let me know if you want more on relationship talk from myself, from Caesar in general. Let me know. We want to be of service to you and add as much value as possible to you. Again, thank you to our sponsors today. And let's go ahead and dive Welcome to this, the Relationship and Valentine's Day episode. Romance is in the air. Relationship tell-all. Cesar is in the house. Coffee conversations. Cheers to you, my friend.

Cheers.

It's been a great year so far.

January down.

January's down. It's freaking Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day, and you asked me yesterday, you said, you know what? We should do a special relationship tell-all. where we reveal everything we've learned about relationships, talk about some crazy experiences we've both had in the past in relationships, talk about how to find a great love, a great intimate partner, how to keep a thriving relationship going. I think we've both gone through instances in relationships where we've maybe found some people, maybe it was the right time, maybe it was the wrong time, wrong person. We've been in long-term relationships You've been in challenging ones long term, me as well. And we thought we'd just share. A couple of guys in their mid-30s.

A couple of Midwestern boys.

Midwestern boys who've learned some things, still don't know it all.

We're 35, can you believe that?

Dude, how many 36?

You're gonna be 36 in a month.

March 16th.

No, that's great.

Pisces all the way.

And they say with age comes wisdom, so. Yeah.

You know? And I feel like now that I'm wiser, I'm older, I feel like I've had time to reflect on the different things from multiple relationships. From the last like 15 years, I learned that there was a pattern of the type of relationships that I've been getting into in my past. There's a pattern of the type of people. There was a pattern of how I was showing up in those relationships. I've learned a lot. and I want to share some of those things today.

I think the great thing is I've seen you really go through a whole new self-discovery with yourself, which I'm really proud to say. I'm seeing you kind of just step into almost learning again. I know you have so many amazing guests on this podcast talking about relationships and business and life and, you know, successful strategies on life, successful strategies on business, relationships. So. Seeing you continue to elevate your game, seeing you continue to rise above the noise and just try to elevate yourself as a human being has been powerful to see. I'll tell you what, man, relationships, someone.

Told me this years ago that relationships are our greatest teacher. So it doesn't matter like how many incredible people we've had on this show, the greatest teacher we will have of always is relationship with other people and the relationship we have with ourselves. That's what I've learned the most. Pete, someone asked me today, who are your top three guests you've had on? like the biggest lessons you learned. And it's hard to always say like the top three because I feel like I learned something from everyone, but the greatest teacher is always when I listen to my heart, when I listen to my mind, when I listen to the struggle that I face inside, it's like, just listen to it. You learn from your inner wisdom more than anything else, I think. I don't know.

I like that.

And we go, I mean, I see, you've seen me for the last, what, 13 years now?

13.

2014, you've known me?

Yeah, yeah.

Is that 13 years, almost 14? Something like that.

Close to 15 years.

I've seen you go through some crazy relations and stuff. For those that don't know, me and Cesar used to live together.

Oh my goodness.

Above a music hall. It was like a jazz salsa dancing music club. And we lived in an apartment that was 250 bucks a month. We split 125 each. We split 125 each a month.

Thanks to your brother.

Brother, yeah, he hooked it up for us. You knew the owner of this music hall. It was like this loft for artists that would come here. Becky, she was incredible. And we lived above this club. I met you, I think you were dating someone long distance first when I met you. Gosh, we're not here to talk names. We're not here to say anything like that. This is not what this is for. This is to talk about positive things, what we are grateful for, what we learned.

You know, it's funny, when you go back to past relationships, I'm sure there's been upset and hurt and anger that honestly I've forgotten about from past relationships. I think of like, you start to go back to the good times. The stuff you start to think about is, man, I remember that trip we took or I remember the fun experience we had for the first time together. I have to say, in college, I had a lot of fun relationships and you gave me a lot of great feedback back in the day.

What was my feedback?

I remember there was actually one relationship you just flat out called it, like, as it was. You're like, this is not a good relationship for you.

This is gonna die. Yeah, this suffocates you.

This is, you're almost-- I'll kill your dreams. You got a little too hype, I would say.

One of the relationships, I got mad at you.

You got so mad at her.

I got mad at her.

Yes, call us both out. I think we're standing at the top of the stairs, and you're just like, this relationship is not working.

I was giving honest feedback 13, 14 years ago. 'cause we were roommates and we lived in a one, it was a one room. It was a big room.

It was a bit, yeah. It was like, it's a huge loft. It was a former firehouse and it was the hay loft that was converted into this single loft apartment. I actually loved it.

It had this huge sliding door window. This one, yeah, that was cool. Sliding out to see all of downtown Columbus, which isn't like this thriving metropolis.

Or something, but it was cool for us. And it wasn't private because you and I, for that year, Not even a year that we lived there. It was my final semester of college. And you were basically taking up the full-time study of salsa dancing. Studying salsa like a machine.

Studying salsa every night.

And I just, I remember I had like three credit hours to finish. We just spent tons of time watching football, going out, just living the life. I mean, I remember at that moment you were like, You need to just let go of studies and just focus on experiencing life. And I have to say, I learned a lot that final semester, just kind of living in that space and learning from each other, learning from the relationships you were in at that time, relationships I was in at that time. It was a heck of a lot of fun, but that experience of you giving honest feedback to both of you was probably the first time in my life that I actually got direct feedback, because I had never been to therapy, you know, relationship therapy. I think I was, What, 22 years old? I've experienced my high school sweetheart, my college sweetheart, and all that sort of stuff. I think I was more of a serial monogamist at the time. And you were just like, this is not working.

And she was right there.

And here's the thing, both of us, I think, realized in that moment, but we had chemistry, we enjoyed each other's company. And I have to say, I was actually just talking with somebody about this. That relationship ended pretty amicably. Did it? Yeah, I think it was just, it really did. We both realized we wanted different things in life and we kind of just gracefully let go. And that's not hard to do. That's atypical in a relationship. Typically it's one side wants to go and the other one doesn't.

And then one person hates the other person.

And then it causes this huge problem.

And it's a mess.

Exactly.

And it never looks good on that person when they do that. But I have three points to finding love. Matt Cesar, we call him Cesar, his name is Matt. He's got three points for thriving once you have love, once you've found the love, three points for thriving in love. And the first point that I have for finding the right partner, because you can find anyone. There's tons of these apps. I've never done any of these app stuff, this dating stuff. There's tons of these apps where you can just find anyone you want who's attractive and go on a date with them and be with them. And it feels good, it's fun, it's natural, whatever. But the first point for me is knowing what you want. These are really three simple things that I have, and this is like common sense. Everyone knows this, but sometimes we get into relationships for the wrong reasons. We get into it because we're having fun, we're attracted to the person, maybe they're a beautiful person, they're handsome, maybe they've got a quality we really like about them that we're curious about, maybe they make us feel a certain way, and so we're like, oh yeah, let's.

Just keep doing more of hanging out. fun. I mean, that's part of learning. I think that that's a nice thing. I look back on my relationships. You kind of learn about yourself as you're in relationships.

You're not gonna know who you are until you have experiences.

Of course. Of course.

So it's all good.

Yeah.

Have experiences, meet people, date people. Yes, I think.

I mean, it was like, Esther Perel. Like, somebody's like, oh, how do I find that person? I think the question that she had, I'm paraphrasing. Go find lots of people. And she's like, Why kill that mystery, that beautiful experience of not going, oh my gosh, it's like a contract. Oh, you know exactly what you're getting. People don't go into a relationship signing a contract, knowing exactly what the other person is gonna do and what they won't do and all this sort of stuff.

That's not fun.

That's not fun.

It's not curious.

It's not mysterious. Can you imagine if that was the experience? You knew exactly what you're gonna get. No, that's the beautiful thing about love.

It's supposed to be, I mean, when you fall in love, it's not supposed to be planned, right?

Yeah, it's not the whole idea of falling in love.

Unexpectedness of it is what brings the magic to the story of the relationship also. It's just like, I wasn't expecting this. And this incredible person just fell in my lap somehow. Or we bumped into each other. Or it was serendipitous. Or one thing ended and something unlocked a new possibility. You're like, I was not expecting this.

Totally.

This is crazy. And that's where the magic happens. I agree.

But you're right, I mean, further to your point, you've got to know what you want. You've got to know what fulfills you. You really, I mean, it's like know thyself. I mean, you really have to take that self-discovery, self-exploration, finding out yourself and kind of go with it. So I think you're also allowing yourself, by knowing yourself, you're allowing yourself to be a stronger person in that relationship.

For your partner, for your spouse, for your wife and girlfriend. And I think sometimes you don't know what you want. until you find out what you don't want. Of course. Sometimes you gotta go on dates and date people and be in relationships and realize, ah, this isn't what I want. Of course.

It's okay to end something. Yeah. Same thing in the workforce. I mean, you go into a job, it's like, Exactly. Sometimes you're like, well, I don't like this job.

I don't want this job. I don't wanna do this for the rest of my life. I mean, it's part of the human experience. Exactly. The second point that I have is, this is huge. This is what I've learned is my pattern, is find someone who is aligned with what you want. to your dreams and to the vision you have for your life. I think it's really hard. I've been with incredible women. Every relationship I've been with, they're incredible women. Some of them don't end up well in the past, but they're incredible people and I continue to focus on the good and want the best for them. Even if I feel like your relationships from five, 10 years ago or something or whatever ended horribly, I don't need to speak to those people because you saw what happened, what they put me through, and some of these people, not everyone.

I've seen, I mean, at least the last almost 15 years, I've seen all of your relationships.

You've seen some craziness.

Of course. I mean, that's what love can sometimes get a little crazy. I mean, it really can.

It's crazy. But so you need to find someone who is aligned with what you want. So what I've realized now, moving forward in my life, that if I'm ever gonna be in a relationship, I need to be fully aligned to what they want, to their dreams, to their mission. And I need to know that they are fully aligned to my vision and mission, my dreams. 'Cause for me, dreams are important. Living a lifestyle that I want is important. Living kind of like a life that is not a typical life. That's what's important to me.

Of course.

And you've gotta find a partner, man or woman, or any partner who is willing to support your dreams. Because when we feel like someone doesn't support our dreams and they constantly make you wrong for your dreams, they constantly make you wrong for who you are, they constantly tell you that's not okay, they're insecure, they're jealous, they're angry for you chasing your dreams, it's gonna make you really resent them and resent the relationship. And you're gonna say, why am I.

What am I doing this for? And that inevitably will hold you back. Hold you back. And the same goes true for any relationship in your life. Friendship, family, business, family, family, especially.

Of course. Career, you want to be with a company, if you're working with a company that supports your growth.

Right. And you want people working for your company that are aligned with the type of growth you want to see.

And aligned to your vision.

That's right.

If they're not supporting the mission of the company, the mission of your life, the mission of your family, it's gonna hurt you. It's gonna hold you down.

Right.

So, I have learned that I take responsibility for every relationship I've been in. Anything that hasn't worked out, I take.

Full ownership and responsibility. Yeah, well, I'll stop because that's a great point right there. I have to say, you know, your mom actually has shared this with me multiple times. She now lives in my building, you know? And it's powerful to have her as an extra support person. I mean, my family's in Ohio. Kendra's family's in Ohio. Kendra being my wife. So, I mean, ultimately, she shared with me this, it's not even a question. It's just like, it's a declaration. What if you declared that, and I hope I don't botch this, sorry, Mama Hause, if I do, but what if you declare that you're going to be 100% responsible on whether or not your relationship works out or doesn't work out? And in that declaration, listen, I realize someone else's actions, those are their actions. You can't be 100% responsible for their actions, but if you're declaring that, you individually are gonna be 100% responsible for whether or not a relationship works out. That does wonders for you. It frees you from, I mean, a lot of upset that could be causing the relationship. Then the blame game starts, then the petty arguments start.

And then the not forgiving and then you're always holding onto the past. When I say I take responsibility, I take responsibility for everything I've created in the relationship. For what I've created, for relationships that I've stayed in too long, for relationships that I made mistakes in, for relationships that I've done things I'm not proud of. for getting into the relationship, it's a choice I make to start a relationship. If I don't choose it, the relationship isn't gonna happen. If the other person doesn't choose it, then it's not gonna happen for me on my side. So for me choosing to be in the relationship without clearly saying, this is what I want, and is this person aligned to what I want, and do they fully accept me for who I am? So I take full ownership because a lot of the past relationships that I've been in, they didn't meet those first two things. It wasn't fully what I wanted. I wasn't fully aligned to all their mission and vision, and they weren't fully aligned to mine. So what I'm able to recognize now, looking back at all my past relationships, why did I choose those relationships? Why did I choose those? I figured out patterns of why, but go ahead.

And that's so important. I mean, I think people, they also get caught up in the why a little too much. The why is important for you to understand for yourself.

So you don't make the same mistake again. You try to do better things in the future.

I think ultimately in relationships, the other side gets focused so much on the why they did that. Why did they do that? Why, why, why? I think that's a hurtful pattern. It also will inevitably hold you back. Focusing on the why for yourself, I mean that's further to your first point.

Taking responsibility.

That's it.

Taking ownership and saying why did I choose this? why did I create this? What's the pattern in my past? Or what am I feel like I'm missing? Or what am I trying to help? As I look back at all my relationships, they almost fall under one category. They fall under the same category of pattern that I take. You want me to share with you what that pattern is?

Let's hear it.

Maybe Season won't want me to share this publicly, but I'm going to share it. The first pattern is, as I continue to reflect back and like, why did I do all this? Why did I create this? And how can I be responsible? So I don't make these mistakes in the future. They're all beautiful individuals, beautiful people, beautiful souls, hearts, and beautiful people. And I choose to see the best in everyone. I see the masterpiece in people. That's kind of like my blessing and my curse is I think I always see like the greatness inside of someone, right? So they're beautiful. I was attracted to them as individuals. Beautiful. Second thing they all had in common is they have like an extreme gift or talent that I recognized in them that usually they did as well. But I saw something. They had some type of gift or talent that I was attracted to. And I was like, man, that's really cool that they worked that hard to build this gift and this talent. Because I believe Greatness, you hear me talk about this all the time, is discovering and cultivating your true gifts and talents to pursue your dream and in the pursuit of that dream, making an impact on people around you. You're probably not gonna like me saying this publicly, but the third thing that I noticed, Matt's like covering his face. The third thing that I noticed was that they were confident to an extent, but they didn't fully believe in themselves. They didn't fully believe in themselves. And I saw their beauty. I saw their talents and their gifts, but I didn't feel like they saw it within them. And it really, it hurt me as a human being, I think, because I wanted them to see how beautiful and talented they were. And I think my pattern, looking back now, able to reflect on all these relationships I've been in, I noticed that I think I always wanted to help these individuals believe in themselves more. No coincidence, the work that I do is helping people believe in themselves in my career, my business, and our work. It's like, how do we get people to believe in their talents more? And I think I was trying to do that in my relationships. I was trying to say, listen, I'm going to be here, I'm going to lift this person up, I'm going to elevate them, I'm going to build confidence in them, I'm going to give them all the security, I'm going to help them grow, I'm going to see how magical they are, how talented they are, how beautiful they are, so hopefully they can see that within themselves to 100%. Again, some of them saw it a lot, some of them saw it a little more, but they didn't see it 100% and I just wanted them to.

Of course, I know. I know, I know.

And I think the challenge was usually after six months, a year, this leads into the third point. The third point is to focus on growth in your relationship. Each person growing individually and and then as a partnership growing together.

Of course.

You know, these women are different, different experiences of life over the last 15 years, right? All these relationships over the last 15 years. But I felt like they weren't as committed to growing as fast and as much as I was. Doesn't mean they weren't growing.

Let me tell you, it's. You're an athlete, too, so I understand your mindset. Listen, I. And I operate your business, so I. I realize how your. operating at an optimal level beyond what is, I guess, normal, I would say. You're always pushing more every day. What can we do, Matt? What's the next step? What can we focus on to further our mission, further our vision for our business? And I love that. I mean, it's part of, I think, that athlete mindset. I mean, your mom, she always goes back and she's like, I hear you guys having these almost ping-pong matches always going on in the office. And I think it's part of our growth mindset. We want to continue to elevate, climb that mountain. It's just, it's part of that. I mean, what would you say, what would you say you learned about yourself when you kind of discovered these three things that you just talked about?

I think I was, I was getting into relationships because, because of those three things. I was attracted to them, their personality or their beauty.

Sure.

I was attracted to their talent. And I think I was also attracted to, I wouldn't say I was attracted to it, but I think I just felt like in me, I wanted to help them grow. I wanted to help all these past relationships I've been in. I want to like, you deserve to see how amazing you are. You deserve to see how talented you are, how beautiful you are. And I feel like a lot of them lacked that confidence. They lacked that. They couldn't take a compliment. You know, a lot of them. Again, they were different ranges, so I'm not trying to put them all in the same category, but it's a common theme that at different points, I'd be like, man, you're beautiful.

Right.

You're so talented. And a lot of them would say like, no, I'm not. They would say, no, stop saying that. They would constantly reject love. They would constantly reject the masterpiece that I saw in them, the beauty that I saw in them and their talent. And after six months and a year, it was very tiring for me. It'd be like, gosh, I can't keep elevating and constantly saying these things. When someone says, no, stop. I'm not those things. I don't believe that. It's like, man, it starts to wear me down.

It certainly can. My mother, some of this stuff is coming to me as you're talking, but there are relationships that I was in in the past, and you get advice from your friends, your family, the place you seek counsel. My mom would say, Matt, you gotta be on a mission, be less of a missionary. I think that's the way the-- Be.

On a mission, be less of a missionary. What's the difference?

You know, it's that idea of when you found that partner that is growing with you instead of you always feel like, and it could be you in the relationship. You're holding the relationship back. Some of the conversations you're having about self-worth or whatnot, whatever. It's finding that alignment with your relationship. And it's not an easy thing to find, you know?

Very challenging.

It's finding somebody that's going to grow with you. You're gonna continue to challenge each other, elevate each other, hold each other up. And I have to say, it's just part of what I've seen you and your personality over the years of knowing you. You're a Fearless individual. Yeah. That's not an easy thing to. To be. To be around. To be in a situation with the utmost confidence, to be in an.

I mean, someone is constantly growing, putting themselves out there.

Absolutely.

I could.

So fearful of failure at the end of the day, fearful of their relationship failure. It goes down to the same business or sports practice in a relationship sometimes. Like, people are just terrified. They fixate and focus on the failure of something rather than what it could be if it's the best, the most beautiful, the most amazing relationship you can create together.

And listen, in no way, I'm just reflecting on three things that I see as a pattern that a lot of these past relationships have had. And no way am I saying that I've been perfect in every one of my relationships.

Believe me, I know.

I bring a lot of challenges, I bring a lot of my own issues, a lot of my past, present, everything. Future worries, I bring a lot of stress to a relationship too, if the other person doesn't know what they want and I'm not aligned to what they want as well. If those first two don't work out, that's why it all makes sense. If you don't know what you want, the relationship is probably gonna suffer. If you're not aligned to the other person and what they want, and they aren't aligned to you, is probably gonna suffer. And if you add that the growth isn't happening, if you're both not growing individually and together, for me, when the first two were off, I was just like, and we're not growing. And a lot of my past relationships, it was like, then your mind starts to think outside. You're like, oh, is this the right relationship? Should I be in this? Is there better, is there something else out there for me? that's better. Is there something else that that's better for this person that I'm with? Are we right for each other or are we just not aligned and we should go our own ways? And I think my challenge, again, the athlete mentality, since you brought it up, is I always try to make it work, right? I think in relationships, we're like, let's just try to make it work. Every relationship has challenges. They all have something.

Whatever the defense gives you, we got to find a way as an offense.

Find a way.

To break through that defense.

That's it. Find a way to score.

Of course.

Find a way to win. Find a way to make it work. And I think in every relation, you've seen this with me, like I, to a default, I try to give so much to make the other person happy. I'm a people pleaser, right? I don't like when someone's mad at me. It's not fun. So I will sacrifice my dreams, my desires, my health, my life, my time to give to the other person.

Sure.

And that's great if that person's aligned to you, if they're exactly what you want, and they focus on growth. You're gonna have to sacrifice, you're gonna have to commit to someone, you're gonna have to give up things to make the other person feel loved in these things to make it work. Can't be one-sided. But I think I was in the wrong relationships every time where I knew in my heart, I just didn't listen to the inner voice. I knew I would talk about, every relationship I've been in, I've talked to you about, no matter if it's like a six month, four years, whatever, you would hear me talk about these things and you knew when it was like, all right, this isn't the right fit anymore. And you would see me stick it out for three months, six months, a year, two years sometimes. Yeah. And just say, I'm gonna keep giving. I'm gonna keep trying to make it work. I'm gonna keep trying to be a good guy. I'm gonna stick it out and show that I'm committed.

That's a normal thing in relationships, trying so hard to make something work. Even though I think when you listen to your heart, if there was something, whether it was just a small something that was making you question before, you have to really listen to your intuition. Got it. It sounds tripe.

It's so hard. Here's why it's hard because you can be in a relationship that you know isn't working. It isn't gonna work long term, but it feels good. You get connection, you get intimacy.

There's comfort too.

There's comfort. You've been through a lot with that person for a few months, a year, years, you feel they come home, you see each other, you like there's goodness still in the relationship. Even when you know it's not gonna work, there's still great things about the relationship. And that's hard to let go of. The fear of like, will I find someone who will give this type of love?

Now you're getting to the root of it.

When I find someone, it's this scarcity mentality of like, are they gonna be as quality as this person? Are they gonna have this quality? Are they gonna have that quality? Right. I'm telling you, when you know what you want, when you focus on growth every single day and your clarity of your vision, your mission, you will attract the right partner. You will attract it. It's going to be unexpected. It's going to come out of the blue. You might need to work for it. You might need to put yourself out there still. But you're going to attract it when you get clear on what you want. When you focus on growth and making yourself the best. When you're constantly learning, when you're listening to the School of Greatness and you're hearing from the great experts of our time, and you're implementing these things to become better in your career, your business, your finances, your health, your relationships in general, your family, your mission to the world, you're going to attract a partner who sees you for who you are and says, Wow, I already understand this person. They know what they want. They're going after what they want. I'm attracted to that so I already understand who they are and I'm aligned to that vision because that person's putting their vision out there. So when you work on yourself every day and your mission and your vision, you will attract a more aligned partner as opposed to just saying, I'm going on random dates and this one feels comfortable. There's some great qualities here. Let's try to make it work. It typically won't work that way.

I think you know you know, in.

Your heart, you know. But I think we get scared, at least I'll speak for myself. I've been scared in every relationship I've been in to lose the relationship. Sure. Terrified. Even if I know it's not the right fit, I'm still scared to lose the relationship. And I think it wasn't until recently where I realized, like, I think I lacked the emotional courage to end things in previous relationships because of fear. Yeah. I think I lacked just the emotional intelligence. I think I still just had to mature a lot in relationships because I didn't want to be alone.

Mm-.

So I think I've made decisions based out of fear many times to stay in a relationship because of fear. When I knew in my heart that it wasn't the right fit and I should have gracefully ended things sooner. But man, because I don't listen to my heart, I haven't listened to my heart in the past, and I try to please partners I've been with, I've gone through some crazy stuff. You saw some stuff 10 years ago, 12 years ago.

I mean, the only thing I have to say is, I've seen you give. every possible piece of your heart. Yeah. To your partners that I've seen.

To a fault sometimes, like too much.

Yeah, I mean, you gotta watch, you don't also lose yourself in a relationship. I know that sounds again trite, but you know, you have to also have your identity, your individual identity. And some people morph into their relationships rather than being two strong people.

Individuals.

Having a super powerful relationship. together while also having their individual identities. I think that's hugely important in this day and age. And I know the relationship landscape is changing a ton. I mean, that's why we have amazing guests on the podcast that are coming up with some wonderful, innovative ideas on how to approach relationships and dating and business relationships even. I mean, that's what I'm excited about.

Dude, I remember my second, I don't know, I guess you consider it my second girlfriend. I was in high school. It was a girlfriend that I was just like head over heels in love with. I love this girl. And I remember we broke up, right? I went to college, she was still gonna be a senior. This is an incredible woman. And we broke up and I remember being such a freaking loser. Like for over a year, I was like in the fetal position in my dorm room.

In a wreck.

A wreck. I would call her all the time. I did everything you weren't supposed to do. I would call her all the time and be like, please, I want to- you- pleaded. Oh my God, dude, I was like so pathetic. And she was like, already moved on, man. She was moved on. She was with another guy. I was like heartbroken. And I did everything you're not supposed to do, right? Again, I was what, 18, 19? I called her every week. I was heartbroken.

I didn't know what to do.

What did you say, not supposed to do? But you learned from that experience. This is the thing, I learned from it. I learned from it. But I was like, man, I was calling, I was trying to show up sometimes and be like, please, you know, I was like, It was sad, writing love letters, like, please, all this stuff that's like, ugh, that's just pushing someone away.

Breakup stories, oh my gosh.

That's pushing someone away. And I learned after that breakup, I was like, never again am I gonna do something like this where it drags on for this long. Because it just, I felt miserable the whole time. I pushed myself away from her. I pushed her so far away from me by doing that. If there was any chance for us, Me doing those things would not give that a chance. So I learned early on, like, you can't do these things in a relationship after breakup. But then, man, you saw me, you met me after this. You met me. I mean, I'm not here to name any names or anything because I've had, they're all great people I've been with. And I always say I want the best for them, even if they've done things to me that I feel like are horrible.

You have.

I want the best for every person I've been with because I've loved them. I've given my heart and time to them.

And you're focused on the positive things that were created. At the end of the day, when a relationship's over, let it be over.

Let it, or give it some space and time.

Give it space, let it be over. And don't commit to conversations. Don't commit to gossip or.

Drama or back and forth.

Absolutely. You're doing a disservice to yourself. And also, I mean, this day and age, so you have to be playing a bigger game, a more elevated game, where you don't subject yourself to the drama and garbage.

Gossip and rumors.

It's just garbage. It's a conversation.

Where people have no clue about what's actually happening in a relationship.

People don't. I mean, the relationship is between two people.

And the only two people who will actually know what is really going on are those two people.

The two people that lived it.

The two people that lived it.

And even then, one side's truth is just one side's truth, you know?

Exactly.

And the other person has their truth, and somewhere there in the middle, you'll typically find the truth. Here's another just suppose, and this comes from your mom, which I love this. Suppose we had the freedom from the weight of the significance we put in and on our relationships. Suppose we had freedom from the weight of the significance we put on relationships. So the second part, and so this is Caesar's part.

I had three pieces of advice for finding the right love, which is, know what you want, find someone who is aligned with what you want and you're aligned to what they want in your life, and focus on growth. I think if you do those three things, you at least set yourself up with a foundation that allows for magic. You still need to find the right match and everything, but those three things, if you don't have those three things, I think the relationship will suffer. It doesn't matter how you meet that person or anything, but these next three steps are how to thrive when you find the right person.

Yeah, and it's simple for me. I mean, simplify, simplify. It just supports me in business, in life, as a father, as a husband, as a friend, as a contributor to my family. I like to simplify things, so bear with me. I'm just gonna say that the three things I want to talk about as it relates to thriving, at least for me, is in any relationship, as well as my my relationship with my wife and I is effort, listening and forgiveness. It's as simple as that.

Effort, listening, forgiveness.

Effort, listening and forgiveness. And we'll kind of dive in deeper with those topics. But I think for the first effort, I mean, you have to put forth effort. This year you challenged me at the beginning of the year. What am I going to do for my relationship?

Well, you just had a baby a year and a half ago. half ago almost. -Yeah, my daughter's a year and a half old. -And I think, you know, I don't have kids so I can't necessarily relate because I haven't gone through it. But I have lots of friends who have kids and I hear these stories. And one of the things I say, how do you keep a thriving relationship? A lot of them say you need to have a date night once a week. It's a non-negotiable mandatory. In your first year of the baby, it's all about the baby. It's a little chaos. Chaotic and you don't have time necessarily, well at least that's the the conversation you say, the story you tell yourself. And I said to you, man, for selfish reasons, I need you to have good energy this year.

Of course.

For the business, if we're gonna hit our goals, you gotta be on point. And that means your marriage has to be, at least the effort has to be.

We're all about the holistic approach here. I mean, we talk about, at least on even on our team calls, what individual goals we have for each other on our team calls. So again, you challenge me, what am I gonna do for my relationship?

I said every week, you can date night.

I declare every single week, we're gonna have Two hours minimum that my wife and I, just us, will spend time together, whether it's dinner or going out with friends or getting a babysitter.

No baby though.

Taking a walk, no baby.

And you were saying, well, I want to do everything with baby and like as a family.

It was obviously my perspective. Well, why wouldn't we just do that together? But it's very important. I also had to listen to my wife in this situation. She wanted alone time for her and I. and that's important for me to hear what her wants and needs are. Which goes into step two.

Which goes into step two.

Listening, right? Listening.

The effort is number one. You gotta put in the effort, do things maybe you necessarily wouldn't want to do to keep it thriving.

Of course. And that's effort not only toward yourself, but also toward the other person in a relationship. You're doing something this year for yourself.

You're taking on a marathon, the LA marathon. Oh my goodness, yeah. So you're doing effort for yourself too. You're not just putting effort in the relationship and saying, I'm gonna let my health go to crap. I want to let myself go to crap. I'm putting effort in myself so I can be more attractive to my partner as well.

That's right. I mean, effort's key in any relationship. We've all let friendships die. We've all let, you know, business relationships kind of fade. Fade away. It's about the effort you continue to put in that's going to dictate how important or powerful that relationship stays. So, yeah. Number two, listening. This is powerful because you brought up the marathon and this actually kind of brings me to another point. You know, I remember my wife came to me after I had declared to the whole team that I'm going to run the marathon in I think seven weeks time. And that was kind of absurd. I mean, I'm in good shape, but I'm not in marathon shape, so it's going to take a lot of time and energy for me to get into that shape. So my wife, I remember she was asking me, she goes, well, you know, do you realize how much time it takes to prepare yourself for a marathon? And so I was really trying to listen to what she said. And I think what she was saying beyond worried about my health and my physical ability to be able to complete a marathon was, do you realize how much time this potentially is going to take away from you and me and-- the family. The family and my daughter and spending time together. So in that moment, I said, well, I need to obviously reassess this conversation. And then I came back and was like, well, I'm going to make sure it doesn't impact. the time that we're spending together, the time that I'm spending with, you know, as a family unit with our daughter. And I'm gonna have to take it upon myself to get up extra early and put that extra effort into something that I'm doing for myself. So in that moment, I could have been like, yeah, don't worry about it. I'm gonna figure it out. I'm gonna train for this marathon and, you know, if I break my body a little bit, I'm gonna break my body a little bit. But I think there was, what I'm saying is by listening, I realized there was deeper meaning there. She was worried about the time that it could potentially take away from us. So that was important for me to hear. So anyways, I mean, again, listening.

Number two, listening. So I think all these points make sense for yourself and for the partner. Put effort into your own growth and effort into the relationship growth and to the partner. Listen to your heart and listen to what your needs are. and listen to your partner in the relationship.

And then the third part is... Third part is forgiveness. I mean, this is cornerstone.

Huge.

I'm a Christian man. I believe in the power of forgiveness. That's one of the core principles of Christianity is forgiveness. So I think for me, if we don't forgive, we allow the blanket of the upset and anger and hurt to forever cover us. I mean, it doesn't allow us to be free.

It holds us back.

It holds us back.

It hurts us and the partner and the relationship.

Of course.

And you're unable to grow if you're holding on to anger from the past. You're unable to focus on growth because you're always holding on to something that's weighing you down. So if you try to grow, you'll always be reminded, But this person did this to me, and I haven't forgiven them yet, and I'm gonna always remind them of this. and I'm gonna make their life miserable and my life remissible. Doesn't mean you have to forget what they did or something, but forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about you. It's about giving yourself peace so you can be free.

Forgiveness is a lot easier in my opinion than forgetting. Obviously, time heals for sure, but when you forgive somebody, not allowing that whatever you had to forgive that person for, not allowing that to come up and using that as ammunition in a future argument or allowing all of these things that you've forgiven your partner or whoever for, allowing them to continue to come back up whenever you guys get upset or having, you know, some sort of disagreement in the present or in the future is absolutely key.

I was talking with a group of older men. They were in their 50s and all of them were married. They've been married for 25, or whatever, plus years, right? And I was 15 or so years younger than them. I was having this conversation, and I was just listening. Listening and asking questions. I felt like I was on the school of greatness, just ask them questions. But it was like these incredible men. And they were saying, you know, what it would be like to be young again, to be your age, whatever, all this stuff that they say. But I'm like, yeah, but look at all the empires you've built and, like, the families you have and all these things. There's always a grass is greener type of thing. of thing. And I said, what's the secret to having like a thriving marriage? Is it possible to have a thriving marriage 25, 30 years down the line with all the distractions happening, with all the desires and wants and needs? Is it possible? And they all said yes. Now they were all in different stages of their marriage. One was like, to be honest, it's been suffering for a long time, but we have kids. and I've decided to like commit to it and stay in it, even though the desire isn't there for us. But I know it would be a lot worse getting out of it because I would lose my family, lose my kids, I would lose everything and it's not worth it. Another person, he was like, it's thriving. But you know, I remember back in the day when I was in my 20s and I was single and that fun life and that newness of being with someone different and all those things, like I missed but my family is amazing. I love my wife. It's incredible. Another guy was like, I desire my wife more now than I did then. Like every year gets better. And I rarely hear that of someone who's been with someone for 25, 30 years who says, Every year it gets better. And it makes me like say like, this is possible for people.

Certainly.

It's possible for people to have that. to find that, but it's going to be very, relationships and marriages are very challenging, even if you have all these points in place. That's why I think it's necessary to have this foundation that we're talking about. It's necessary to know exactly what you want in your partner, to make sure your partner is aligned to who you are and you're aligned to who they are, and you're constantly growing. If you don't have that, it's going to be a lot more conflict than necessary. Of course, because you're always going to be judging the other person and saying, why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? Why aren't you doing more of this? You should be doing more of this and less of that. If the person accepted you for who you were and who you were becoming, you wouldn't have those conversations and that anger and that resentment and that lack of forgiveness. Then when we add your points of the effort, the listening, what was the third point?

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness. We add those points and if we have the foundation, And we add those points in, I believe you can have the relationship of your dreams.

I think that's the thriving. That's the-- Thriving.

The gentleman who is-- Thriving 25, 30 years later. Yes.

Focusing on the growth together. Good. And the effort you put toward each other and yourself. That's it. You know? He was a super fit guy.

He was constantly working. He's still in shape. He hasn't just let himself go and said, now I'm in a relationship, I can just take it easy. He's working harder than ever. And I think you keep that desire and that attraction. when you work on yourself, when you do things that scare you, when you go try to master new skills, when you try to learn something new as opposed to the same thing over and over again, you become more desirable and admirable to your partner. You want someone who admires you and as much as they admire you, you want to admire them. I remember asking someone else, I said, what's the secret to being a thriving relationship? A marriage for long term, he said, respect. I respect my wife, of course, and mutual respect. Like, you admire and respect them for the person they are in the world.

That should just be the Cornerstone of any relationship.

Yes. This is the one that I, like, admire to, like, the fullest, the person. I'm like, wow, you're incredible. Where there's that Mutual feeling. There's a quote that someone posted the other day that I saw. I want to read it. I forget the guy's name who posted on his Instagram, but it was quoted by Bo Taplin, whoever that is. He said, the one thing I know for sure is that feelings are rarely mutual. So when they are, drop everything. Forget belongings and expectations. Forget the games. The two days between text messages, the hard to get because this is it. This is what the entire world is after. And you've stumbled upon it by chance, by accident. So take a deep breath. Take a step forward, now run, and collide like planets in the system of a dying sun. Embrace each other with both arms and let all the rules, the opinions, and common sense crash down around you. Because this is love, kid, and it's all yours. Believe me, you're in it for one hell of a ride, and after all, this is one thing I know for sure.

Ooh, Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day, baby.

Be in love.

Be in love.

In love. Know that it's there. I mean.

It is there. It's available. And if you follow these, I mean, if you learn from our mistakes, me and Cesar have messed up a lot in relationships, but they're not mistakes, they're lessons.

Everyone has mistakes.

They teach us something important. They teach us more about what we want and what we don't want, so we can get closer to an alignment of a partnership that works for our desired dreams. That's the key. Keep it simple. As Caesar says, he's got three simple keys to thriving. I've got three simple things to finding the right partner. And even then, there's going to be some messiness along the way.

Oh, there's a lot more. It's a lot deeper than this. But we've got some amazing relationship experts.

That have talked about it. Amazing experts. We'll have linked up on the show notes. We've got Esther Perel, who is one of my favorites, Matthew Hussy, both those interviews have blown up. If you want to learn more from the experts, go listen to those two episodes right now. We'll probably link up a few more in there as well in the show notes.

But, Are you having fun?

Dude, I'm having a lot of fun, man. I'm having fun. I'm feeling good. This is fun, man. Life is fun. That's right. Relationships are fun. And relationships are about perspective. They can be this scary, exhausting, draining, dramatic thing if you want to keep dragging them on. or you can say, you know what? I'm grateful for everything in this past relationships and previous relationships. I'm grateful for that person I was with, for what they brought out of me, for the lessons they taught me, for the love we had, for the gratitude I have in that person. I'm gonna focus on the good from all my past relationships. Even though there's been a lot of crazy, I'm gonna focus on the good and I'm gonna want the best for them because at the end of the day, I would want them to wish the best for me. even if they don't. And I think if we can continue to love ourselves fully, yeah, practice patience, practice peace, grace, love.

Practice forgiveness, be.

Graceful, be peaceful, lead with love, lead with forgiveness and have an amazing Valentine's Day. You know what I'm saying?

Be in love.

Be in love with life. Love yourself, love life.

Do something different.

Yes.

You know, buy flowers if you never have bought flowers.

Buy something.

Buy a car. Write something. Be specific. You know, I mean, talk specifically about what you love about that person.

Admire what you respect about the person. Show your gratitude and appreciation. Don't just tear them down. That's the key.

Be specific. Don't be general either, you know?

Specific, gosh. Any final words, Cesar?

That's it. I think we've covered a lot.

We're just getting started.

Finding love and thriving in love. Yes.

Finding love and thriving in love. Let us know if you enjoyed this. Leave a comment on the YouTube channel, on my Instagram. Send a message to our support email at School of Greatness. Let us know what you enjoyed about this. Share this with a friend on Instagram. Tag me @LewisHowes. Cesar is not on social media, but you can just tag me and I'll show it to him. You want me and Cesar to do more conversations like this. This is Coffee Conversations, but we're doing a relationship spin on it. This is just our perspective. It's 30-something conversations. It's a couple of guys who've had some experiences. So if you want to hear more conversations on love, relationships, let us know. And this has been fun, man. Any final Fanny thoughts.

Happy Valentine's Day. Love.

Love. The wall behind me says love. All you need is love. And I love you, brother.

Appreciate it. Love you, too.

There you have it, my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one again. I want to hear your feedback. If you want more of this from me, from me and Caesar, send me a message. Share this on your Instagram. The more people that share this, lewishouse.com/758. The more people that take a screenshot of this podcast that share it on their Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and tag me, it's going to tell me you want more of this conversation, more intimate, deeper relationship type talk, real talk from real experiences. So let me know. I'd love to hear your opinion and share it with a friend if you think it might help as well. I love you all so very much. I hope this is helpful, valuable, useful information to support you in your relationships, your life, your business, your dreams. That's what the School of Greatness is all about, helping you reach your potential, overcome challenges and adversity, and give you the tools, insights, and inspiration to thrive in your life. We are here for a reason. It's your duty and responsibility to figure out what that reason is. And we want to continue to support you on your journey. I love you so very much. You know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.