832 Whitney Cummings on Loving Yourself, Addiction and Creative Success

Episode number eight hundred and thirty two with the inspirational whitney cummings.

Welcome to the school of greatness my name is lewis howes a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness thanks for spending some time with me today now let the class begin.

Mary tyler moore said take chances make mistakes that's how you grow pain nourishes your courage you have to fail in order to practice being brave i hope you're practicing being brave today because that's the way you're going to grow.

That'S the way you're going to build.

Confidence within yourself when you do those things that are a little bit risky and the more risks you take the more you're going to build that confidence within and definitely grow and i'm excited to talk about our guest today i had an incredible time but before i dive in on our guest i want to remind you that the summit of greatness our annual event is less than a month away that's right we've got so many people flying in from all.

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Do this as well make sure to.

Go to summitofgreatness dot com comma check out the incredible speakers we have we've got some of the most inspiring speakers in the world workout leaders who are going to lead you with great workouts in the morning and some special surprises like we always do if you've been to one of our previous three annual events then you know it's always a time to remember so go to summitofgreatness dot com right now and check it out we are one month away i wanna high five you i wanna hug you i wanna say hi i wann story so make sure to get there.

Because there's just going to be so.

Many incredible people you will meet and i don't want you to miss out this year so make sure to go to someoneofgreataness dot com today we've got the hilarious and inspiring whitney cummings and you hear a different side of whitney in this interview we really dive into a lot of things i think she.

Was a little shocked on some of.

The questions i asked her and i was really moved by a lot of her responses and i really just enjoyed my time in my company with her i saw her on stage one time laughed my butt off and really got to dive into the work she's done now she's a comedian an actor producer an author who's appeared in multiple tv shows and films as well as multiple standup specials you've probably seen her either on netflix or online or one of her movies one of her standup specials was nominated for an american comedy award she created also the sitcom the massive mega hit two broke girls you probably watched that show and the show whitney and her tv appearances have been on comedians of chelsea lately live nude comedy which she created starred and wrote for and the comedy central roasts of joan rivers david hasselhoff and donald trump her incredible book i'm fine and other lies was out in twenty seventeen and her film the female brain which i saw on a plane recently is now available for streaming her latest comedy special can i touch it is also on netflix right now it's a funny one make sure you go watch can i touch it on netflix also in this interview we talk about why desperate energy is repellent it's repellent you know in her business the hollywood business it's definitely repellent and it's also an almost every career possible when anxiety can be a good thing in life the importance of loving yourself in a way that is also self aware the addiction of being a victim and how whitney broke free of all of it herself and doing work for yourself and not for the reward you know whitney takes a lot of risks that don't always get massive rewards but that's what helps her grow that's what makes her become more brave more curious more exciting more adventurous and what's what makes people respect her more it's.

One of the reasons i respect her.

Because of the risks she takes and the constant work she's willing to do on herself so get ready for this one i think you're gonna really love it make sure to share it with your friends and just share it with one friend today one friend you think this will inspire text them the link lewishouse dot com eight hundred thirty two text one friend the link to the podcast app that you're listening to or just lewishouse dot com eight hundred thirty two and spread the message of greatness of inspir of learning of knowledge these tools can really help us grow when we apply just one principle from someone who's been there who's done that who's achieved great things who's had big failures and you can be someone's hero and champion today by just texting them right now so whoever's on your mind right now that you really care about and think about send them a text with a link to the podcast app that you're listening to or lewishouse dot com eight hundred thirty two and do me a favor while you're listening leave a review on apple podcast and write a review i don't care how many stars you give me just write a review of what this specific episode has done for you i'd love to hear your thoughts your specific thoughts and we share with our team we share it with our audience the impact that we make on other people so i'd love to hear your thoughts just write a review you can leave one star five star it doesn't matter to me but i just want to hear your thoughts i.

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Apply and without further ado let's dive into this episode with the inspirational whitney cummings.

Welcome back everyone to the school of greatest podcast we've got the inspiring and hilarious whitney cummings in the house i'm super pumped you're here thanks for having me i watched your movie on a plane like eight months ago yeah female brain yeah and it showed a.

Different story did none of the other movies load or what was happening what.

Was you having she's already got it she's like zing zing i'm just curious no because i wanted to learn more about you i think i saw you at whatever comedy store which one is.

It oh really comedy store yeah i.

Saw you there probably a year ago i've only been there maybe four times in seven years since i've been in it oh wow maybe four or five times and i went there and you were performing and i was dying really you're so talented a year ago i.

Must have been working on new material.

A year and a half yeah yeah it was pretty rough so i was.

Probably.

That seems like when i was just starting this new hour and it was probably only premises no it was.

Amazing oh thank you it was amazing and i was in the balcony watching you i actually tweeted you afterwards not that you saw it but i was just like wow i really admired the way you work the room the way you tell amazing stories and i think you were even saying i'm working on new materials so like work with me here yeah yeah but you weren't allowing any of it to show that you were insecure in any way which i think you were talking beforehand that a lot of comedians are always insecure yeah.

Which is what drives us and you know i know that we're all on this quest to solve insecurity and make it all go away but insecurity sometimes drives us to do good things and get better and work harder you know so i think insecurity can be good fuel sometimes it's not good if you're just that's your default state that's something to work on but yeah i definitely it took me a long time to embrace the fact that in standup you succeed by failing over and over again it's like going to the gym you're not always gonna have the killer day that you wanna put on instagram standing.

Ovation laughing out of their mind snorting.

Yeah milk most people just see you know the it's like a sculpture most people just see when it's done in the museum right you don't see the chiseling and the messing up and the fixing and the repasting and the whack a mole you know that's stand up when you come and see comedians like you know cobbling together you're gonna see comedians at every level sort of figuring.

It out i have no desire to be a comedian but i feel like it'd be the most incredible training for.

My personal growth i think everyone should stand up do it once even once.

You fail miserably and get laughed at in a bad way i think you.

Wouldn'T i think that you're so authentic and you know who you are that's the key to it i think it's just it's not about saying the thing that's the funniest it's saying the thing that's the truest and that matches people's perception of you the most you'll find out right away how people perceive you which is kind of an interesting exercise.

Interesting what was the time that you realized okay i'm actually not that bad you know what i mean cause there's probably a period of or were you just always funny and it always people laughed and clapped and cheered i mean.

I no i mean it's tricky cause then you think you're great and then you have a bad couple months and then you think you suck and then you have nothing to lose so all of a sudden you're great one night just because you don't give a crap anymore yeah and then you go oh whoa it was the trying too hard that was repellent to people and you know so as soon as you stop giving a crap because you think you suck sometimes that's when you do your best work so i think that i've never got that right there's a dysmorphia involved in it so you still need.

To prepare and care about your material but not care what people think about.

You in a way yeah you have to care a ton and then as soon as you get on stage you can't care at all really you know it's like this switch you have to turn on and off but it's also you can do the same set same jokes same way two nights one time you get a standing ovation the next night you just bomb why depending on your energy depending on how in the moment you are you know i think that i took some boxing classes a couple years ago and i couldn't believe how much like standup it was if you're a second ahead or you're a second behind the joke's not gonna land like you just have to be like listening it's a conversation with the audience you know a joke that worked the night before might not work tonight you just can't go into autopilot you just have to be right there you gotta feel the energy yeah every city is different every venue is different every group of people is different there's a bachelorette party in the corner weed's legal in california it's different pacing in la now you know it's just kind of being flexible and detaching from your plan and detaching from the rote memorization or detaching from this worked fifty times so i'm just going to do the same thing i've done it's just being willing to detach from all the things that worked for the past year wow and being flexible i think and did you always.

Want to be in comedy you know in school growing up yeah i don't.

Think i knew that's what i was meant to do i was you know i hit a couple different walls that i thought like i thought i was gonna be a journalist really you know cause i was like a seeker and i was curious and i was critical and i always wanted to get the dirt like comics we're kind of snitches at heart right you know we're complainy snitches that are obsessed with justice and and i thought i was gonna be like an upton sinclair where i was gonna like go into factories and reveal the we're obsessed with that stuff we're obsessed with secrets and lies and injustices and then i was also a performer and i was also like doing theater and plays like dancing no dancing no singing as a strong boundary how dare you no not like a theater kid i was doing like very serious plays shakespeare like a doll's house like ibsen's a doll's house which was sort of about this woman and a bad relations and then when i was hanging out with my friends i would tell these really long boring stories about how i like hated how you can't find your car in a parking lot and i don't like the ticketing system and it was like i didn't realize what i was doing with stand up i didn't.

Realize those are the conversations that do the best on stand up totally and.

I was just sort of like oh i have a huge complaint and i want to talk about it for forty minutes this isn't a date this isn't what you do on dates this is.

What you do perform in front of.

An artist this is what you do in front of an you know i just or your girlfriends i totally i was dancing around it you know i was dancing around it and then someone one day and i think just to get me to shut up was like you should try stand up like it was the way of saying like get this out of here there's a couple.

Of moments i'm not obsessed with comedians like studying it all and going to all the shows and watching everything but i enjoy it yes you know it's fun for me i watch different stuff when it's on netflix or i'll go to the comic store once a year type of thing but i remember i don't know if you're friends with him dane cook had a cd special like fifteen years ago that he told a joke that was still in my mind to something like you talking about the parking ticket system whatever it was yeah and he was talking about when you're in a parking garage and your tires squeal and for some reason this joke stayed with me it's nothing crazy funny or some out of the world it.

Just resonated with you and you felt connected and i think that's what stand ups do is like you put a bunch of strangers in a room and they all agree on something they all connect on something they vote differently they are you know have different interests in movies and women and men who knows.

Different races different experience backgrounds all coming.

Up they agree on something different socioeconomics get together and go the wheel's squealing in the park we all have that universal experience it's finding the things that we can all kind of agree on i think that always interested me you know i grew up in a home that was not harmonious where there was a lot of discord a lot of disagreement and i always kind of wanted to get everyone to agree and laugh interesting it was always like to try to sort of just manage tension it was always like if i can make this person laugh maybe christmas will be fun you know like it was always kind of just trying to manage people and then you know as an adult it's almost like a herding dog a shepherd that wants to get everyone in one place i just sort of have this instinct of trying to go like we actually have more in common than we don't is something that it's just like a instinct that i don't know if you can teach you know i.

Think are you a younger sibling i'm.

The youngest yeah yeah the peacemaker always yes i mean we've got some illegitimate ones floating around but three that we know of that you know yes yes.

So i'm the youngest of four for some reason i just knew that you had an older sibling based on the way you were talking there always youngest of three what was the biggest discourse within the family i mean it was.

I mean it was this is not you know i have no victim stuff about it or regret about it you know you know there's just the divorce and alcoholism and a lot of mental illness in my house growing up a lot of you know we're very lucky we're in a generation that has podcasts like yours and books like this tools to learn from my parents didn't have those tools it was passive aggressive communication it was everything's fine everything's fine then a huge expense explosion of resentment there was no like talking about that i also grew up with a mother that i'm really proud that i had but she was the kind of first generation of women that was balancing full time career and kids so she was under a tremendous amount of stress and didn't have childcare and was just always so stressed out and exhausted and but taught me she was up at six am and she was home at seven pm and she brought me to work with her but i just saw her trying to manage everything and you know it was always like how do i just make things easier for everybody else and the joke kind of to me was like a magic trick it was like whoa that was easy that was an easy way to get love that was an easy way to cut some tension yeah so i learned early on how to kind of tap dance we all did you know i think we all grew up in you know we're the first generation that isn't turning to alcohol and anger and rage and some kind of just quick dopamine hit or doing.

Other dopamine hits which is like meditation working out eight hours of sleep eating.

Healthy a false sense of control it's.

Our new addiction it's trying to optimize certain things that we can to ease.

The pain maybe over correcting in a way this is crazy because self help ism exactly is kind of the new.

Ism it's crazy because we were very similar based on what you're telling me my parents were passive aggressive there was no love or affection zero it was like they forced the love to try to show it they should have been divorced before i was in was there.

Shame around getting a divorce or yeah.

They stayed together because of us right it wasn't cause they loved each other maybe they loved each other in some sense but they were both working full time jobs to pay for all four of us kids and like my mom you know she was working full time and then trying to take care of us yep yep it's almost like they went crazy in a sense and you're.

Watching overwhelm you know you're watching stress.

Overwhelm screaming fighting you know constantly leaving.

The house uncertainty that's right inconsistency stormy and it's also i think you know as a kid because you don't understand the emotional one plus one equals two so you're just trying whatever you can and the same thing you're punished for one day you're rewarded for the next day it's like to me i never understood what added up so it was like be funny be loud tap dance come out and say you know so i was always sort of experimenting with but i grew up and i wrote a book about codependence which is something that is kind of a word we use to describe like relationships where you spend a lot of time together which is not really what it can be codependence but i didn't understand that i grew up in a you know alcoholic home but also a very codependent home which were people did a lot of things out of obligation people please to feel yeah and which is very is part of like tradition i think in our culture i won't speak for other cultures but it is you go to church on sunday you have to do this you have to go to this bridal shower you have to bring a gift you have to go to this housewarming there was a lot of sort of love that i now realized was obligation socializing that was obligation we have to go to christmas and so many people were divorced that it was like going to nine people's houses for christmas and i didn't really learn do what you want to do that makes you feel it just force yourself to do things white knuckle through things you do things out of obligation you'd be resentful the whole time that's right and co dependence breeds resentment so i'm just gonna be miserable and socializing is joyless like i really had to work hard to make socializing joyful later because i just didn't have a concept that it wasn't.

Work it's interesting you know i felt very similar and when i was thirteen i begged my parents to send me away because i just didn't want to be in the environment so this is why i went to saint louis i went to a private boarding school i met some kids that were just more positive i was like i want to be around these group of kids who are thinking differently who are just feel like they're in better environments better family environments and i begged them for a whole summer to send me to this school seven hours away from ohio where i was living and it sounded like you tried to escape as well yeah.

I didn't ask to be sent away it wasn't as set as you left civilized yeah kind of got sent i had oh you did yeah i got sort of sent to virginia oh wait how old were you because i was acting out i was twelve i know we have we have a similar thing.

That'S true yeah so you got sent.

Away i got sent away because there was you know various family drama hardcore yeah and it was like my parents kind of just it was too much for them so i went and i lived with my aunts in virginia for a while yeah a little more like four hours away far as you know how long about three years so you.

Went to middle school high school for a little bit in virginia away from your parents you see see them in.

I see them on weekends or yeah you know and i think that was okay it was it's interesting you know we're so it's you know and and i have all sorts of scars around that and character building moments you know.

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Dot com lewis maybe it's american maybe it's i don't know you guys will correct me in the comments i'm sure but it's just so odd to me that we're like raised by two people and that's it you know it's like we're kind of designed to be raised by many different people that's right and you know as odd as it felt for my parents to go like we can't take care of you we're leaving you here like at the time my brain was like you're not good enough you failed you're unlovable like all those narratives that of course my psyche was going to write because my psyche i know it's a common thing but i'll speak for myself is that when our parents fail that's too much for us to handle so we have to blame ourselves so that was a really big part of the way i developed but looking back i'm like i feel really lucky that i got to be exposed to so many different kinds of parents and caretakers and their flaws and their strengths and i grew up in dc and then i grew up in virginia for a while so i got to kind of get like and i think that's part of what makes me a good comedian is i'm not just in this elitist blue state i got to see how people live that aren't in metropolitan areas and see the value of that and learn community and connect with animals and so i feel really lucky that i got to have a little.

Bit of both growing up you went back when you were fifteen sixteen and.

Then i went back to dc when.

I was fifteen sixteen they were less.

Exhausted i think so yeah your siblings.

Were probably older they were in college.

Now and so yeah yeah and you know it was it's there's there was some you know some scrapes like it was you know it was not ideal but i don't know where like we get off as people expecting our parents to have any idea what they're doing i mean when you look around and look at your friends that have kids you're like they're having kids like why you look at your friends and you're like oh my gosh like my parents no one was ready for kids no.

One my parents said my brother when they were nineteen they're like in school they don't know who they are i.

Just feel like for the most part i mean look a lot of really tricky things happened to me as a kid i have a lot of trauma the whole thing and i do emdr and i'm in twelve step programs and i a lot of people i think know about all the things i do to fix what happened but for the most part like i think we have incredibly high expectations for our parents that are just too high if you study history or you study the timeline of sort of what we know about neurology and psychology it's only in the last twenty years that anyone stood a chance.

And when we can learn to forgive and accept and have compassion for our parents that's when we can really heal those relationships and heal ourselves from not beating ourselves up or feeling like we're less than or not good enough or.

Not lovable yeah and it really was like they did the best they could and i truly don't think my parents were like how are we gonna mess up whitney today like they were literally just trying to keep their head above water and given the tools that they had it sounds like if you had.

A perfect life you wanna be where you're at the adversity is what makes you stronger is what makes you more creative and what makes you able to like break out of your comfort zone and try things probably and it just.

Is what it is there's nothing i can do about it you know so i just i think we spend so much time in blame and that is just like to me i have such an economy of energy brain i just the idea of spending any time being mad at someone that you know i just don't do it and i love what you said about forgiveness because i remind myself on a daily basis like we forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because we deserve peace that's.

It it's not about them no not.

Saying it's okay with forgiveness is selfish you know for your inner peace it's just taking things out of your backpack it's just like why am i carrying this around you know yeah my mom has enough shame about what happened like i don't have to be mad on top of it it's just not it's.

Just guilt her until she dies it.

Just doesn't work you know so i think if it worked i'd do it but it just doesn't blame doesn't work.

You'Re not more connected more loving with.

Each other i don't get a check every time i get mad at my mom it just doesn't pay any bills man i'd be rich i know totally i just don't i'd be rich right see the point you know and i you know you might know this about me but i learn a lot about myself and about sort of the error in the ideas i have by training animals and even when i have the best intentions i make mistakes and i screw up and i you know and i just it makes me have so much more compassion for my parents i.

Love watching your videos of be with your horses how many horses do you.

Have i have one i only have.

One but yeah it seems like there's.

Many because it's yeah i know i work with many but i i only.

And i think there was one a couple weeks ago of you walking away and it was just like your energy she's like look she's gotta walk or.

He or she yeah yeah yeah yeah.

And now if my energy's bad she's.

Gonna back off it really you know i think i spent so much time i wasted my twenties really and nothing's waste but i really did was unconscious in my twenties because i was trying so hard to control other people and trying so hard my subconscious brain was working so hard to figure out ways to make myself feel safe and to avoid abandonment and avoid rejection and avoid criticism and as a result i just i realized and equine therapy is really the only thing that helped me understand it besides al anon and twelve step programs and co dependence recovery how desperate energy is repellent so repellent and the more badly we want something when we push something we push it away when.

You have two desperate people that you can come together and be like away and together away together that's very codependent.

Right two desperate people that's right and just sort of like the unhooking and the only way to win is to not play and to don't just do something sit there cause to me my drug is taking an action my drug is and it becomes this sort of the tighter you pull something the knot just gets tighter and tighter and that really is what i think about when i think of my twenties it was just me trying so hard to be loved and respected and heard and seen that i was like it's just it's annoying it's repellent is the i think best way to put it and you know working with prey animals really helps you understand it really holds up a mirror to your energy and what you're giving off and what is needy energy and so my horse has really helped.

Me with that what are you most proud of about yourself that you've done in the last ten years from your transition to twenties to thirties looking back.

That'S a really good question and i have a couple like there's the financial things i'm proud of like owning a home and having a four hundred one k and just sort of independent yeah the basic self care of that you know i grew up poor like just having health insurance is a big deal so i think times where i'm like i didn't get this and i don't have this many things and i don't have this much money i'm just like the fact that i have health insurance is a miracle with what i come from i think we forget our basic gratitude lists our basic if you had told me fifteen years ago that i would have a four hundred one k i would think you were on lsd so i think it's important to also have gratitude about those little things but for me i would say it's so simple for me handling a conflict with grace is like the biggest achievement i can make at this point because achieving things and getting things and winning things and selling shows or making specials that's all i know how to do that but to me the biggest challenges are sometimes just being able to shut my mouth for twenty minutes and listen to someone who's wrong wow that to me is one of the biggest accomplishments listen.

To someone who's wrong and not try to make them right or not try.

To fix it and just go like that sounds hard and not try to change someone's neurology in a conversation not.

Coach them or give them a solution.

Nope sorry you feel that way not.

Try to be like a guy essentially.

Right yeah how dare you how dare you imply that i talk about the differences between men and women that to me is that's what's been the hardest thing for me is to be able to be in a relationship with someone working relationship romantic relationship and not try to control their behavior opinions neurology and to be able to tolerate the discomfort of others and other people being wrong wrong is subjective so what does that even so the hardest thing for me is becoming a boss and having employees and just going they're not doing that the way i would do it and i'm just gonna have to accept it and i'm not gonna spend the next hour obsessing over how i would have done it and micromanaging the person it's just that kind of taking the hooks out for me has been a big one being able to tolerate the discomfort of others the flaws of others that's.

My biggest thing it's interesting you say that because in the beginning before we started recording you said something about how you don't how we shouldn't love ourselves in like a cheeky way you were like we shouldn't just be all love yourself for who you are because then you're not going to work to improve.

Yourself is that right yeah and i don't i was driving over here and i was like god i hope i'm a good fit for this show because i am so like you know i see all this self help stuff on instagram and i just am like i don't like generalizations my brain just doesn't do well with them like black and white love yourself like i see this war on self deprecation i see this war on anxiety that's all i hear about is i have anxiety i gotta get rid of anxiety anxiety is great it is why our species has proliferated anxiety is information it tells us what situations to get out of it tells us what people are not healthy for us it tells us it's our gut you know and i know there's anxiety disorders and i struggled with it but it usually is information telling me do less of this thing cut this person out of your life and i think anxiety is important so is adrenaline so is cortisol i think that we're leaving neurology out of a lot of these conversations and we're leaving sort of a evolutionary biology element out of a lot of these conversations so a lot of the things that made humans so successful we're now trying to get rid of and you know we have such a big problem with people self medicating in our country and i think a lot of it is like well we gotta get rid of our anxiety it's like no human is allowed to be uncomfortable ever stressed ever yeah ever i'm not pro anxiety but i do think that anxiety is our gut sometimes telling us information we need to know yeah i.

Think if you look at it as intuition like if you're starting to feel anxious about a moment or stressed or like something's off and you feel anxious okay you don't need to hold onto that for thirty days or for three years like you shouldn't stay in that space but listen to it and figure out a way to adjust something in.

Your life right yeah it's just there's there's i think that we tend to pick and choose the pain and discomfort that we want you know you don't go to the gym and go like oh this hurts i'm not doing it like you go no this is like gonna i don't know anything about exercising i'm gonna tear the muscle and get stronger you know and i think for me this whole like love yourself like i wrote a book on loving yourself and overcoming codependence and building self esteem but that term to me doesn't honor neurology and how self esteem or the frontal lobe works and it also is just like love yourself if you did something what are the esteemable actions you know if you want high self esteem you have to engage in esteemable actions this idea of like everyone just deserves to love themselves all the time like i don't know i mean some people.

I think you should i think it's like there's something to be accepting yourself for where you're at and how far you've come yes and say okay i accept and love where i'm at right now yes but i also know there's more available for me i think for.

Me i need an engine i need.

Place and sitting around all day yeah.

I just for me it's not possible to just go oh i love myself out of nowhere not how nature or nurture works so i think for me i'm really into achievable goals but i do think there's this sort of generation of people that maybe love themselves too much and haven't and that's maybe my comedian brain kicking in and i think that there's self acceptance there's self love i think i just and this is just yeah probably me trying to make a joke about it but a lot of the people that i see saying like i'm gonna love myself today i'm like aren't you the same person that just tweeted something nasty about it i'm just like why would you love yourself so i think that we just need to i think self love coupled with self awareness is important this radical i'm perfect the way i am all the time i don't think so look at our environment look at our world catching on fire we might love ourselves too.

Much and i think we build more confidence by the actions that we take it's by being our word consistently whether it be in a relationship or if you say you're gonna work out five days days a week and actually following through to your commitments i think that's what makes you feel like okay i love myself i'm like appreciate myself more for the actions that i took and for being a good human being yeah.

And i guess for me what i and i don't think i'm being clear my problem with love yourself is i try not to set goals that are so unachievable and vague that i then feel disappointed that i couldn't so when i go i'm gonna love myself in five minutes it's just like that's not fair i'm setting myself up to fail i'm trying to change thirty six years of neurology and god knows how many thousands of years of epigenetic imprinting i'm trying to overcome it because of an instagram meme i saw that said love yourself it just feels like a shortcut that is not attainable and i'm just gonna be more disappointed in myself when i can't achieve it right away so i like to take bite sized pieces of goals so that i don't you know a big thing we do in twelve step programs is you you know in order to honor your word you only set boundaries you can actually follow through with and you don't make threats or so if you and i are in a relationship and you're on your phone while we're talking i'm like if you ever do that again i'm gone and it's like nope you cannot threaten something that you can't follow through with that's not attainable because then of course you're gonna check your phone again what you're leaving for and then i'm not gonna leave because i just made an impossible threat that i can't follow through with and then it's going to start to erode my self esteem because my word means nothing you know and you can't take me seriously and i can't take me seriously and then i don't respect myself and so i just try.

To resent everything did you do this in many relationships it sounds like i.

Don'T know what you're talking about no i've heard that people do this do.

You struggle in your current relationship because.

You'Re engaged right i am engaged and i'm really lucky i you know by the time we started dating i had been in a twelve step program for almost eight years i've been doing emdr.

For about four i've been hearing emdr is amazing i hear it's a game.

Changer it's a game changer again like i'm not a this is the panacea that's gonna fix everyone if you have.

You know lots of tools yes try.

Different things yeah and i had also been in a twelve step program for whatever five years by the time i got to emdr so i think i had the tools to even receive what it was i'm also a big fan of the placebo effect it's an effect that works whether it's psychosomatic whether it's scientific i don't care it works i was in a place where i could really receive it and i was ready to change so i think that there's no point in doing it if you're not ready to change or if you don't buy it or whatever but it was at a time where i was really ready to release my character defects and put down all the weapons that i needed when i was a kid because i was carrying around a lot of armor and a lot of weapons that worked out a lot of masks when i was younger yes i had a mask on a mask i was the you know and i was just ready i was ready to stop fighting it was like something we say in you know al anon is the war is over you lost and it's like you know yeah totally and we're like running around on a battlefield of a war we lost with our guns and our harpoons and our cannon and it's like no we're not and the war.

Is meaningless it's been over for twenty.

Years and you're running around like a maniac you know isn't it interesting until.

We kill ourselves we can't become something greater like we have to kill our old self kill our ego it's such a shame because shed off these things.

Right because you know i think in something that i talk about you know in codependent recovery stuff it's like the person that grew up in the home that that's a superhero that's a you know i think we tend to look at our character defects as failures in some way or as that weirdo that psycho i was crazy it's no i was perfectly equipped to fight that emotional war i was perfectly equipped to deal with mental illness and addiction and codependence and rage and whatever i just don't need to be the hulk anymore no it's exhausting it's exhausting and it's just not useful or smart and it's an energy drain and it's like it's the funhouse mirror it's just my perception i just need to sort of update the software is what i call it you know is that things have changed and my brain stayed the same so it's just really acclimating to my new circumstances.

So how is this new relationship that you've been i guess you've been in for a few years now but how is this your partner now with all the work you've done how do you feel like what's your rating well i think for me if you're like a d in other relationships are you like a b plus an a minus are you like a gold star every day.

And took oh god i give myself a baby minus i would say it's a lot of room to improve a lot of room to improve well hey.

I was a c student so it's.

Not so bad i mean i also am a perfectionist so i'm sure other my version of a b minus is probably another person's a minus yeah so i feel like check for inflation i feel grateful you know i also took this sort of course on how to kind of change the type of person you're attracted to because i'm sort of obsessed with harville hendrix and how we're attracted to people who have the negative qualities of our primary caretaker so isn't that crazy crazy so i kept recreating my childhood circumstances over and over and dating my dad and dating my mom and dating my siblings and it was just like incest at a certain point you gotta stop dating your dad guys and it would just trigger me and you know i had to do a lot of i even did a lot of sort of like body trauma work cause you know our bodies react before our brains totally my favorite so we are the same person this is alarming.

She'S much funnier than me as soon.

As i not at nine am but as soon as i would get into a defensive i was gone it was like i would just go offline and i would just turn into this robot who was just and so i found myself being attracted to people that i had to take care of people that were a mess people that were chaotic and it was just adrenaline and you know and i'm also identify as an addict so adrenaline turns into dopamine so you know dramatic dramatic situations are addictive they are dramatic people are addictive correct correct stress drama and being a victim is addictive being in a relationship where you're like well he doesn't do this and he doesn't do this it makes you feel responsibility it makes you feel interesting it makes you feel bonded to other people complaining is addictive and i was in all of these really hectic relationships secret relationships and cheating and you know you always feel like you're in your own action movie and you feel important and this you know so i found myself on that hamster wheel for a long time and i was addicted to addicts and sick people and malignant narcissists was my drug for quite a while you know so we call them christmas trees like you know when you have not recovered your brain and the type of thing that you're attracted to you can walk into a room and it's just like the most messed up person will just light up it's the only person that's oh this is my.

Person i'm gonna rescue they're gonna make me feel more important they're gonna need.

Me we call it passion we call it chemistry we call it butterflies when that's really just your body saying stay away from this person anxiety helpful we go oh screw that anxiety no screw the person that's making you well don't but you know i mean it's really.

A reflection of us though you know totally we attract what we are vibrate.

We just vibrate on a different frequency so far might be a different level.

Of messed up that we are so.

I'M i it took me a long time to realize like chemistry is a red flag if i vibe with somebody turn around get in your car and just leave the party are you ready.

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With the person you're with you should.

Get along but if it's like something else is going on for me personally you know i found that if you like enmesh with someone right away and you're like we spent five days together straight like that is for me addictive and i kept getting into these addictive entrenched things where you fall in love before you know the person you know and so it took me a long time you know because i kept being these relationships with unrecovered codependents unrecovered addicts unrecovered narcissists and you know as if that's something you can really recover from and my brain labeled it as chemistry passion soulmate all these sort of things that we tend to romanticize and it took me understanding neurology to really realize i was just kind of a puppet of this dopamine oxytocin cycle wow so that was really helpful for me learning neurology i think is the biggest game changer and when you said like what are you proud of i think for me that's the biggest one to be able to just honor neurology and not make everything so romantic or personal or cinematic it's like oh that was just oxytocin they're not your soulmate that's all that was it's okay you know so for me it was really i had to write lists and i wrote about it in my book like lists of you know what i wanted what was would be nice it was like a list my therapist made me do it was like dream list requirements with someone which is like requirements like not budget not negotiable my bottom line this is what i must have this would be nice and red flags and the red flags were like not negotiable you know so that i really had to figure.

Out they can't be an addict they can't beat whatever it is yeah correct.

Married you know on my space things like that they can't be married right now hard and fast rules you know because i think that the problem with chemistry clouds our frontal lobe you know dopamine equipment crowds our judgment you know clouds our judgment and so for me i had to get really self aware.

About my judgment yes no list so.

It'S clear yeah i had to really treat it like a business proposal and for as non romantic as that sounds you know because i found that my relationships were draining me and depleting me instead of energizing me and that's a bottom line for me so yeah no stripper pulls no stripper pulls no thank you i'm good and i you know it's something my therapist said something to me that was really interesting you know she basically your relationship needs to be boring and i was like no way what do you mean they have to be exciting and you're bringing the excitement.

She was like it's not action energy.

What she made me realize is what's boring to you is really just serenity peace that's right.

I want to take.

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Because you don't have peace in any relationship that's right and you need to have peace when you.

Go home that's right your home should be a sanctuary and you should i love that flaubert quote which is like you know isn't it be boring in your personal life so you can be brave and violent in your professional life and take risks and a lot of the most successful people at least in my field are the ones that are like have been married for thirty five years you know will ferrell and steve carell and all these guys where they're not out dating you know it's a time suck so much energy it's so much energy and i realized i was chasing people whose love i couldn't get that i could never get because of this addiction to i think rejection and abandonment and this addiction to auditioning for approval so i would be like auditioning.

For approval as you said i'd be.

Magnetically attracted to people whose approval i could like never get like your dad like my dad or a malignant narcissist who just can't you know or i would need too much from somebody who couldn't give you know i was just really constantly in those relationships and i was in relationships where i would do eighty they would do twenty cause to me like my workaholism like that was just my comfort zone make it work yeah and so i really it took me a long time to get out of that so to answer your question it's kind of a triumph really a victorious triumph that i'm in a relationship that's healthy and peaceful peaceful and you know just he's just useful and calls me out on my and sets boundaries and that's good he stands up for.

Himself yeah he's not just letting you walk all over him or whatever no.

And i can be authentic with him and you know it's really like he has the tools to have these conversations which is really helpful you know i think you have to date someone that has a similar toolbox than you it's.

Emotionally intelligent yeah or else what are.

You doing and if he doesn't it's like he's able to say express that he's not and so am i you know and we're really you know and i also this was something that i think was really helpful in this relationship i didn't throw all my crap at him right away i used to think that my trauma was the only thing that was interesting about me and your.

Heart is interesting really absolutely thank you.

Of course but i didn't sort of give it all at once you know it started long distance which i think was really helpful for an addictive brain because it was able to pace you.

Can'T spend twenty four seven for two weeks with them it's not sustainable obsessed over like every little detail no don't do it i'm in long distance right now and actually it's amazing because i miss her and i'm like god i wish she was here but i'm also like wait let's wait let's give her more time let's like really enjoy the process like we're communicating on the phone we're not obsessing over certain things no yep she's independent i'm independent we're building a foundation i feel really it's really.

I mean this is just such a basic thing and we didn't i didn't learn basic things like this when i was a kid get to know someone.

Don'T just fall in love don't just.

Get to know it's very simple you know i mean this is you know for me i was just so sloppy about it and i think for me again like i my biggest fear in life is being boring believe it or not and so my thing was like here's all my trauma and here's all the terrible things that happened to me and here's my you know all my and it just how interesting and complex i am it gives you this false sense of emotional progress with the other person this false sense of intimacy that's just not real and you're in this house of cards so for me it was really about kind of doling out my personal information with him i mean in a way that was organic healthy.

Yeah it was organic and it wasn't.

Like i'm gonna show all my victim so then now you're attracted to a victim and now we're in this unhealthy thing you know so it was really important to me to sort of curate and still be authentic but kind of just curate and be boundaried about what i shared with him when because i was trauma bonding with people and wasting six months at a time what's the.

Thing you love about him the most oh wow different type of podcast i.

Know i love this these are questions that nobody ever asks me i love it the thing that i love about him the most is you know and i think this is so obvious maybe he really is endeared by a lot of my i don't like when people call themselves crazy and i try not to do it to myself i'm really careful about your words so careful become what you say my idiosyncrasies he's entertained quirking it yeah yeah and he understands you know recovery and he's very like you know he's like i'm gonna stay in my lane he doesn't try to control me he doesn't try to fix me that's amazing my thing is i have enough notes for myself i don't need more notes i wanna hear your feedback and i want to improve but he's not you know he's entertained by it which i think is important you need someone that is kind of your fan and isn't disappointed like when you do something he's just he doesn't take personally my behavior how about that he doesn't it's not like everything i do is affect him yeah if i don't text him back he's just like what happened he's not like where have you he's just very like did you lose your phone again i mean he's just like insecure jelly no he's just exactly he's very just kind of endeared by you know i have five every day i come home with a new dog or a pig or a horse like he's chickens he's a very patient man okay yeah he's a very patient man.

And i need that i interviewed a friend of mine named devon franklin do you know that's familiar he's produced different movies written books i don't know if i have one of his books up here his wife's meagan good is that her name megan goode oh yeah yeah he's like a pastor a speaker he's really inspiring and i said he wrote a book called the wait where he waited to have sex with his wife until they were married right and he talks about relationships and i said and i went through a breakup at the end of last year and i interviewed him afterwards and i go when do you know you found the right partner maybe not like your soulmate but like the one who can be the one and he without hesitation said when you feel at peace yeah i never thought about that before so simple well you just mentioned this how it's like peace at home so you can be chaotic and take risk in the world i.

Can'T walk into my house and get like i mean he i can say to him i mean i feel really lucky that i can go i don't have a lot to give this week wow i can say that i don't have a lot to give today you know you need someone who is able to get their internal needs met without you have their own friendships have their own life get their own derive their own value from their job or their work work or family or whatever you know and he also i think for me you're never gonna find the perfect that's not a thing it's like are you with someone who's willing to course correct are you willing to be with someone are you with someone who's willing to grow for you if that's what you need so for me there was like you know a couple things like when we met you know i was like this doesn't work for me is that something you're willing to change or not and if you're not i just gotta go we're not gonna you know it's figuring out what your bottom lines are and seeing how flexible the other person is so this is this is the first time i entered a relationship like as a business deal you know like okay here's the things i need here are the things that don't work are you willing to change those if not i gotta go no love loss.

How many things did he have to change i'm talking about twenty things i'd be like dang this guy's i had.

To change some things too right right and they made me better he had.

Some non negotiables he was like all.

Right we made each other better i think you know and there's some things i'm like that's not gonna change i don't have time to change that yeah i just this i don't hate i don't you know so it's really like it's a negotiation dance it's emotional negotiation it's like what's tolerable but i think to me the thing that is the most valuable is that we can be in the same space and not be talking or touching each other you know that to me is a big deal cause i used to think that intimacy was about proximity always like touching always like silence something's wrong my horse taught me that you can coexist with somebody and not be so close that you're gonna put each other in danger all the time there's this thing i love that we say in program is that if you are holding a handful of sand if you hold it like this you can hold it forever but if you hold it like this you're gonna lose it you know so the goal is to always hold it like this.

Anything it can leave when it wants.

It can that's it i love you keep going you know is our thing you know i love you keep going go do your other thing go have your do that you know cause this is just you never want to be here you want to be here so.

That'S not i was thinking about being here like moving up together side by.

Side well that's right right this is.

The other thing forward or up yeah.

People have to i mean i didn't learn this as a kid this is.

Your they teach this in schools right.

Your listeners are like maybe this is so obvious but something that you know someone explained to me this neurologist she was like if two trains are going like this they can go forever but as soon as you're here you crash yeah and you can crash in relationships you're just so him and i can coexist in the same room i can be on my phone he can be reading a book or not what are you doing him having a life is not a rejection and me having a life and ambitions is not a rejection to him personally and i had only been in relationships where me going on a trip he has to come and me you know if you and i have to come with you you know this sort of interdependence not codependence was something that took me a really long.

Time to learn who was more influential for you growing up mom or dad.

God that's such a good question god damn it you're asking such good questions i think it was probably my dad i don't know i don't know probably my influential in different ways sure you know but yeah maybe my dad what.

Was the biggest lesson he taught you whether through actually him saying a lesson or just example or what he didn't.

Do yeah that you know he said something to me that i love that i didn't understand how good his advice was until he passed like i didn't i didn't you know because i had this narrative that i had a crappy dad i had a crappy mom and that's all we focus on you know and then you do a little work on yourself and you're like okay there were some major gems in there he used to always say ask other people questions they just want to talk about themselves and i never it took me so long to take that advice because i thought when you meet someone you have to entertain them and you have to impress them and you have to show them all the things that you know it didn't occur to me like no just ask the person about themselves that's how you connect with somebody like i thought every time i met someone i had to perform you know and i just thought that that was the arrangement and it took me a long time to understand that the easiest way to connect with someone is to just ask them questions about themselves i know that sounds so obvious but it's such a life hack and it's such a great way to me now in business to find out who i'm dealing with because i like to decide who somebody is and then when they don't match how i've cast them i get confused i'm not interested in who you are i'm interested in who i think you are and then you disappointing me like it's just like the most backwards i've made an assumption about you and then you didn't match my assumption instead of actually just doing the fieldwork and finding out who somebody is and if it's a good match you know that was really helpful for me and he also gave me some really good advice where he said be careful with how independent you come off because it doesn't occur to other people to help you or give you any kind of emotional support because what i would do is i'm a strong woman i'm oh my i'm independent i'm fine and da da da and i'm like why isn't anyone helping me like why am i doing everything alone it's like it would never occur to anyone so just asking for help was a really big deal for me for a really long time just saying can i get some help with this and it not being a shamey gross i owe you you owe me now i'm keeping score because in my household asking for help or involving an adult in a problem came with guilt or shame or you're needy or you're you know something there was just too much of an emotional aftermath you're not getting.

Out to do it on your own or smart enough or whatever yeah totally.

Wow totally so just little things like that that probably but he also my dad was gone a lot you know and i definitely have been defined by the absence of a dad when i was a kid you know and it took me a really long time to not decide all men were that way or to not let it frame the way that i saw the world how.

Did the relationship end for you when.

He passed with my dad oh it.

Was were you in a good place.

Do you feel like or no not really i mean you know i don't you know i think that's that death is such a defining part you know it's interesting because and i don't know if anyone wants to hear about death but all the things that i'd been working on for so long kind of click into place when a death happens you know working so hard on boundaries working so hard on saying no working so hard at reducing the amount of things on my plate working so hard to not do things out of obligation you know i've spent so much time doing that and as soon as i lost my dad it was like i'm not doing that no i'm not going on a hike with that person it just everything becomes so clear what's important and what's not so it's interesting it's.

Sad that it needs something like that to happen for us to course correct.

Our life or just me it could be me and what i needed you know and you know i think that and i don't know how that tool is helpful don't kill your dad to emotionally make the progress you need but it was something that was a little bit like his passing kind of was just a really big part of things clicking into place and in a weird way i think it's the gift he would have wanted to give me in a weird way and he had a stroke both my parents had strokes which is a big part of why i got so into neurology and had to understand it because i was all of a sudden in ers looking at brain scans and people talking about the prefrontal cortex and i'm like i have no idea what that means and finding out what part of the brain affects what and so i think that ultimately he gave me this incredible gift that as a side effect of something kind of tragic when did he pass about a year and a half ago oh wow yeah almost two years ago and it was interesting because you really find out who the people are around you when someone in your life passes because grief makes you boring and makes you unable to give anything and you really find out the kind of people that can show up and tolerate you grieving really calls out your circle because it's you.

Realize i mean the fun one the.

Entertaining one like are you still my friend if i'm just staring at the wall like a zombie crying for six days like am i still someone that you want to be friend you know be around so that was the tectonic plates really shift in your life when something like that happens and i had just started dating the person i'm with and the way he handled it i think is really what made me understand.

What great partnership is and what he.

Handled everything like he just went into handle it mode and i was like.

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I think it's like a lot of the damage that my dad i feel like i got from him him passing at the time that i had started dating miles gave miles the opportunity to step up and show me who he was and kind of it was kind of kismet it was sort of this weird divine thing where i was able to sort of him passing is how miles was able to step up passing the torch i was able to kind of undo the cycle kind of thing through it it was pretty surreal do.

You feel like you got to say everything you wanted to say to him.

No that's okay you feel at peace.

About everything or you wish you would.

Have i'm so not this person but i'm gonna be this person i did do ayahuasca a couple months after he passed like six months cause the grief was just i didn't know what to do with it strong yeah yeah and i think that because i'm such a keep moving to get out of your feelings anyway i really didn't want to run from it and for the grief to manifest in other ways other ways you know i didn't want that energy to come out and like the workaholism or the codependence or whatever and i actually think what happened for me with ayahuasca and why i think it's a helpful tool is i didn't hallucinate on ayahuasca i kind of realized that i was hallucinating every day and on ayahuasca i kind of saw things clearly and i was able to take on a lot of the things that i thought were weaknesses from my dad as strength and i was allowed to sort of accept the things in me that i got from him and alchemize them into positives you know it's like he was always working and too much and would i was like i was just trying to find ways to use what i thought were weaknesses of his and make them strengths and accept the parts of him that were in me you know i don't want to be like my dad i don't want to be like my mom that's all we say maybe they had good things about them maybe we're just seeing them wrong or maybe we're just so wrapped up in our own judgment and blame that we can't see it you know my dad had a very skeptical take on people he always called everyone liars thieves and worms is what he would say and it's so negative but but i don't know i found myself overcompensating the pendulum swinging too hard and trusting too much and being going all in all in trusting everybody yeah sure manage my money sure i'll come stay at my house sure and i just i didn't have enough of that sort of what i call like healthy skepticism and healthy boundaries and a healthy sense of like seeing red flags you know so i kind of it helped me stop like divorcing myself from this story that my parents were so messed up and i want to be totally different than them yeah do.

You feel like you do things to make your dad proud oh my god.

Still oh god you're so good at this when my dad passed i had somewhat of an existential crisis because i realized so much of my engine was to try to impress him just him when he dwell or just him when he i think more my dad my mom not so much my mom was more like physical stuff like body appearance stuff that i've had to sort of.

Work through you got a great combo.

It'S a whole other thing yeah real doozy real one too they were made for each other you know and i realized when my dad passed i did have felt like i was sort of in a free fall because i was like do i even want to do comedy like the person that i was trying to impress is gone like i don't even know why i'm doing any of this and i canceled a bunch of projects i was doing i checked out of a lot of things i had to sort of complete completely revamp my priorities and figure out what i.

Wanted what's the priorities now the priorities.

Now are you know for me i and this probably sounds gross but i am big on making money because it is freedom and i didn't have that growing up so i do try to make decisions based on it being lucrative enough to be able to help a family member out if they have an issue you know my family a lot of my family members don't have health insurance and they didn't go to college you know so for me it's i take a lot of pride in being able to earn so that i can help people you know that just i don't have cars and like that's not my thing and shoes and clearly clothes is not my thing i like to be able to you know give people the ability to sleep at night because they're not stressing out about money you know so i do make a lot of decisions based on earnings you're not.

Making millions at the comedy store every.

Week i really know that fifteen dollars the night you saw me i made fifteen dollars you know so i work for free a lot because stand up is like bodybuilding you're in the gym for a year making nothing and then you get your special or whatever so i definitely once my dad died i got a little more mercenary about the way that i spent my time because i worked for free for so long and continued to until my dad passed and then just really high quality like is this gonna move the needle or not you know and after that the first thing i did was roseanne which did not end as planned god isn't.

That crazy it was so big yeah like the launch and the show was so big and one tweet ruins it.

All i don't think it was one i mean there was i found out.

It seems like one tweet was what.

Ruined thousands of people ostensibly yes exactly it was one the tweet that broke the camel's back but there was definitely more before that i hadn't seen and that was my mistake i didn't follow her before and you know like my dad said ask people questions i didn't ask enough questions and i didn't do enough research and you know but i did you know at the time it was like you know we're gonna reach a bunch of people that we wouldn't reach normally and i think that hollywood we forget we're in this echo chamber and we are talking to such a small number of people and this is an opportunity to talk to more people you know so i think that since my dad passed i've just tried to be a little more big picture in the things that i take i don't take jobs anymore to impress people i don't take jobs anymore because there's a celebrity involved who might this person might think is impressive like i don't have those sticky motives anymore it's like do i want to do it or not and the answer is usually no like am i going to be proud of this am i going to get paid in pride is a big thing for me now that my dad has passed.

Because it used and pride is the double comfort that's right am i proud.

Of it am i paid by it that's sort of the way that i live now because it used to be like oh like whatever i'm trying to think of a celebrity so and so julia roberts is a producer on this i'll be able to tell my dad that i'm working with julia roberts you.

Know he'll love me more totally it.

Used to be that stuff you know and it's kind of not like that anymore it's like would i do it.

For free right because you love it but i wouldn't but i want to.

Make a lot of money i don't and it's and it's i just i know that it's gauche to say that but i think it's important to know your value and to know your worth.

I think financial freedom is a powerful thing having resources you can serve humanity in a bigger way you can create the products you want you create the life you want you can help the people around you so i don't think it's wrong if you know yourself yeah but you're not buying it to frickin buy gaudy stuff and flashy you're buying.

You want to make sure forty five dollars i love it how dare you.

Forty five as well same price that.

Is a very like fancy shirt this.

Is a blank t shirt you know.

I don't know in la those are like it's a big deal it's like.

A what they call like a basic t i think basic tee forty five.

Bucks it's not a v so we're good i like v's you like a d i feel like you're a deep.

V guy not a deep v just.

Like a simple v in turkey you're gonna have those v's we're not gonna.

Have to hear like the nipples i mean i do live in west hollywood and there's lots of deep v's but it's just like a little just a.

Little classic yeah a little tiny v just a slight suggest just like a little they have that clavicle peeking out a little flirting oh hey oh oh.

Man so pride and pain it's like.

My bar is higher and lower you know and the bar is changing so for me it's like you know ten years ago five years ago i'd be like i'm not gonna do a casino like that's selling out i don't have that anymore it used to be like i was trying to impress people i was so worried about like if i post this ad on instagram of me performing at a casino what are comics gonna think like i just don't have that anymore i don't have the same kind of shame around my choices it's just i get to be a little more selfish in a good way i like it a good kind of self.

How do you deal with i remember i talked to steve aoki when i had him on and i was like what's one of your biggest fears or concerns something like that question he said being irrelevant mm and i think i see a lot of people in hollywood who like they get the special and then like next year and then they don't get picked up again for next season so they're hot and then it's just they're chasing to be hot again yeah there's so much excitement and expectation or hope that it's gonna work out how do you face that because you had two broke girls huge hit then you had your own show which was like two or three seasons i think right so maybe it didn't last as long as the show you were creating how do you deal with that just aspect of hollywood in your career of hot maybe not as hot and really hot and then okay yeah the vicissitudes.

Of the in and out do you.

Deal with it emotionally or and maybe you're better now because you're choosing things you don't really care what's working in.

That way but i guess to me i just i think you put something out when it's good and that's how you stay relevant no it's like i just i agree with steve and i feel that a lot too but i also know feelings aren't facts and i know what feelings are valid and which aren't so it's like to just put stuff out to stay in the zeitgeist is i just i personally don't know you know a lot of comics it takes a year to put a good special together in order to make good art you know you have to have a life and you have to make mistakes and you have to go out in the world you know so so i found that when i was doing three shows and it was this whole thing and everyone thought of me as this big success i was in a writer's room all day and i wasn't having a life and in order for art to imitate life you have to have a life and i didn't have one and so i was limited in how good of an artist i could be so now i believe you make something and you go off and you live more and you grow and then you come back and make something else and hopefully your work is actually evolving if i just only kept putting things out i'd be putting the same thing out how could i improve so i just am a big fan of going away growing restoring living coming back and elevating you know that's just my process and you know and i also do lots of different things so you know i'll go do a special and then i'll do a show and then i'll do a book and then i'll you know i'm also a robot that i made robots i just i don't i don't care if people are interested in me i just want to be interested you know in what you're doing cause otherwise it's not gonna be good that's.

What i like i feel like we're siblings or something because past life twins or something i do a lot of things where my peers are like why are you doing that yeah like i wrote a book a year and a half ago about masculine vulnerability great it's called the mask of masculinity love it and everyone was like this is the worst business decision like you should do something else based on your last book and keep building upon it and i was just like this is what's gonna be interesting to me yeah and what i feel like is needed right now in the world that i'm proud of.

Yeah and you've worked so hard and you're not allowed to do like i'm being on like this one's for me and that one's for you and this you know this i do that with jokes sometimes it's like there's a couple.

Jokes like no one laughs i know.

That'S never this one's just for me i like this one you know you this is like a you know it gets like seventy percent of the reaction of the other ones but like i like it you know i just i think that we're so afraid of being boring that we're boring ourselves you know i don't know how to put out authentic work if it's the engine is just to keep putting out work who's benefiting from that i mean there's just so much to choose from now and making something for the sake of making it i'm always big on why what's the why on this why am i gonna give this thing a year of my life or whatever and you know like making the movie for example that was just an experiment we made it in fifteen days for not even a million dollars oh it was i mean you can there's the coverage it's like you know it was very post editing and everything else yeah totally figuring out in post and fixing it in post and you know doing that weird little i wanted to learn about neurology and i wanted to make a movie about i loved it i just was like i wanted to make the thing that i wish it had existed and no one else was gonna make a movie.

That'S what i always say i'm creating what i would want i want a.

Movie about neurology that i wish when i was twenty three there was someone explaining to me oxytocin and dopamine and when you're in a relationship for a certain amount of time that you start producing less oxytocin and it's not personal and how cortisol works and how organizing things reduces cortisol that's why i'm so obsessed with how everything you know i just for me i would have saved so much time with taking things personally and over pathologizing myself and other people and i've been like he's not mad that's just cortisol i'm gonna give him a couple days for it to wear off and then we'll talk about it you know i guess i just wanted that to exist and then as far as the book like this went i mean couldn't have been it came out the day of the vegas shooting so there was some interesting cosmic thing where it was you know the universe is going we're making sure you're doing this for you and for the right reasons you know because glory isn't always gonna be the reward and then i think when something comes out based on the success of it then you decide if it was worth it that's so unhealthy.

To me it should be like it's successful because i'm proud of the work i created if one person reads it or a million people buy it right.

Yes the reaction is the only thing that matters anymore you know and i found that i was chasing a reaction chasing a reception and chasing a feedback an applause and an applause that's exactly right and so for me i just want to be able to look back and be proud of the choices that i made instead of like i was just like on a hamster wheel trying to stay in people's timelines you know and some of the people's career that i respect the most they you can it's like when we were talking about relationships you want to miss someone a little bit you do you know i think that right now we're in such like fatigue of people you know i just i think that i also experienced being ubiquitous and having a you were everywhere and yeah it didn't go great you know i think i'm good financially.

Maybe it went okay it went great.

But i just i'm good in small doses i also know that about myself.

Cause you had what you had like a you were a comedy tour you had the creator of two broke girls you had your own show whitney yeah.

I just was like you had like.

A bunch of stuff happening at once.

Yeah and i just think that i don't know i think that artists being ubiquitous is you don't want to overwhel.

You'Re welcome what's your thoughts on someone like steve harvey or kevin hart who's all the ways everywhere all the time.

Those were such weird people to pair together well comedians wait steve harvey and.

Kevin hart they're both comedians right yeah.

Yeah i mean kevin hart i think that he has what he has done is amazing and he does it so brilliantly because i mean it's like he has what a movie come out a year and then a comedy special a year yeah but i'm not sick of him i don't know why i think he's just so endearing and he's so charismatic and maybe he is the exception to the rule but i don't feel like a fatigue on kevin you know.

Cause he's real and authentic he's not.

Forcing him maybe yeah i don't know why i don't feel that i'm not.

Sure why i think of steve harvey because he's got multiple shows at once.

Yeah oh god does he yeah he's.

Got like family feud he's got steve.

Harvey show i'm behind on steve harvey.

I don't know why he had the kids show like the kids celebrity show america's got talent for kids or whatever.

Right right right right she had like.

Three or four shows at once on a radio show and yeah that's right.

You'Re right you're right okay okay that's fair but you know i just can't think that way i just in desperation to be relevant i don't know that feels like chasing that just feels like a motive that's you know to me i just try to be authentic and if i can and honest with myself and to just try to like keep up with everybody which is what i used to do frankly i just didn't it didn't yield the kind of work that i really felt like i could be proud of like i'd rather just be mindful about it figure out what i want to put out in the world and put it out when it's.

Ready what's your biggest fear now then.

I mean being irrelevant is up there i just know it's an irrational fear you know because for me the fear of being irrelevant triggers codependency rush culture get it out now instead of when it's right this chasing and then it doesn't get the reception you want and then you feel worse and that you know so my biggest fear now you know being boring is one that i struggle with that's a big one podcasts are helping me with that cause i'm just like is this interesting to anyone.

You'Ve got it i mean you said the answer because i was always very insecure growing up cause i didn't think i was interesting enough to people and i would say stupid stuff that people would be like whatever it happened two or three times that it stuck in my mind that like people didn't want me around yeah because i was just stupid or ignorant or whatever it was.

Just youngest kid yeah and i in.

High school and in college i really shifted to just being like i'm gonna ask amazing questions and just listen i'm not gonna try to say anything i'm gonna do the opposite and someone told me later they were like you do a really good job of asking and listening and you're amazing at it the most inch thank you and he said the most interesting person is always the most interesting person just what you said and i think it's something why the podcast does well because i just want to ask questions but you also ask.

Questions that nobody else asks and you're very thoughtful and mindful about it and you also ask it and then let the person answer there's a lot of people that go like what scares you the most because what scares me the most and you're like you know what i mean it's you really or wait for the answer and it's it's a practice though it's actually jarring because i keep waiting for you to change the subject i'm like oh he's really i really have to answer this it's actually kind of jarring it's not a comedy.

Podcast where everyone's interrupting each other no.

Why not being you're i'm like is someone gonna do a bit or prank me or you know you're really you land you stick the landing you know.

And it's a lot it's uncomfortable sometimes.

You really are just silence is a your tool of success like you ask the question and you wait for the answer which is unbelievably they call it.

An interview for a reason i know.

But it's jarring because i'm usually good at squirming out of things and not with you but i think that that's a skill that i'm so happy for all your listeners because if people just did that on dates it would save them five years of bad toxic relationships if you actually just asked a question and listened to their answer which is the advice my dad gave me that that seemed so simple and not try.

To be interesting or try to tell the joke all the time or have.

Your reaction the joke come in you know like just to really listen and let people reveal themselves and then once.

They do people want to be heard and seen people always tell me like gosh i don't even know what he said to me but i talked to him for twenty minutes and he's just like the most the coolest guy yeah he's just such a nice guy i don't even know what he said but.

I want to help him and i spent so much time trying to get love indiscriminately from people whose love i had no business engaging you know i spend so much time going like i don't even know if you're the kind of quality of person i should be with but i'm gonna get your love regardless and it was always like how to beguile people how to charm people how to get them to like you and then you're stuck in this relationship with someone and you're like oh god why did i work so hard to get your approval you're a nightmare you know so for me it's i'm learning a lot from you because i don't do this enough in my hiring decisions i don't get to know people enough in my hiring decisions fire slow fire fat and i get to know their character defects and their song and dance it's not easy and i don't really ask mindful questions to find out what their character is it's so hard as.

A business owner as well when you need to fill a spot because you're doing too much of the work you don't want to do or you're suffering in a situation you want to put some in there quickly yeah but that's why you should wait and i don't.

Ask enough smart questions and listen to.

The answer you should let other people interview them first on your team oh that's good i just brought on a new assistant my other assistant had been with me for six years and she's transitioning to start a family and so i had my assistant interview people first like they need to meet your requirements then when she found a few people that she liked they go to my coo he interviews them and you meet his standard wow am i going to like this person am i going to fit into our culture you know what's.

The biggest thing you look for in.

Somebody for me it's attitude i can't stand people that make excuses or they don't have the willingness to figure it out yep you know what i mean.

I'M big on you can make mistakes you just have to admit you made one yeah if you can't admit you made it then we're an insanity i wouldn't say you can make a mistake a day if you want yeah huge mistake a day just don't do the.

Same one over and over yeah but.

If you correct yeah my bar is really low what's wrong with that no but if you can admit i was wrong it's like that's my biggest sort of bar and red flag with you.

Yeah exactly so attitude effort for me i was never the best athlete but i was always the mvp because of my effort and my willingness to have like clear vision and i was willing to get up early work out i never drank my whole life really never had a sip of alcohol in high school college i was just like i need a superpower and it's gotta be effort in my mindset love it so effort attitude the desire and willingness to continue to learn someone who doesn't need to hold their hand but how would.

Someone be able to construe that to.

You in an interview i would tell.

Them this oh got it i would.

Say this is what i'm looking for you know i need effort i need an attitude so i would ask them questions like what would you say i don't know i would just think of a question about you know if you made a big mistake and i got upset how would you react yeah or you knew you messed up how would you respond just kind of feel it.

Out if they're like ah well interesting.

They'Re like i would own it i would take responsibility and i would want to see how i could get better i would want coaching cool i set.

Traps you set traps that's healthy i do and it's the same thing i learned in relationships and this probably sounds manipulated you have to sometimes you know you gotta test people i think you know your listeners might think that i'm off the grid on this but i go like what was it like at your last job and if they say negative things about their boss i can't hire you the same way if you're dating someone and you say how did your last relationship end and they say well she's crazy or he was it was like i already know that you blame people and i already know that you you know the way you do anything is the way you do everything and it's important to like when people reveal themselves to just i think when.

You take ownership for everything in your life and responsibility that's when you feel like okay i can trust this person maybe they're gonna mess up maybe they're make mistakes but they're gonna own stuff and they're willing to grow yeah and.

I think we have to really remember that we are wired to have a common enemy it's something we bond over and i think it's really important to know how we're wired and to just honor that it's the same way you know people with dog breeds they want to say like this dog was bred for this but we can't and then people go breed doesn't matter it all matters you know nature and nurture both matter and i think it's important we just have to understand part of our nature sometimes and when you're dating someone new and you both get to be mad at the person's ex we're bonding over something because that's what we're wired to do something negative right but then you go zoom out and it's like oh no that's a red flag it's.

Not healthy i wanna ask you a couple final questions but i wanna make sure people check out your book i'm fine and other lies you guys can go get this book right now since it was such a big hit the.

Day it dropped that was so wild.

Really funny stuff but powerful about anxiety overcoming all the challenges you've gone through.

It'S about addiction it's about codependence it's about eating disorders it's about freezing your eggs it's about you know sort of a lot of sexual assault it's about sort of everything we all have dealt with and it was interesting because to come out the day of a tragedy at least to go like you're gonna have to wait two weeks to promote it and we have to relaunch it like all of so much of the book is about not trying to control but you're drowning what you can't control you're drowning so for that to have happened for me to not surrender and surf that wave would have meant this book was for nothing yeah you know but yeah and i have a new.

Stand up special it's on netflix right yes sir the promos are hilarious it's.

Called can i touch it and it has a robot in it which i touched already you did you touched yep.

I touched it that's right you gave.

Me permission it's called can i touch it for many reasons because i talk a lot about all this sort of harassment stuff in the news and and you know in comedy we're at this place where it's like can i touch this can i talk about this can we talk about this can i say this can i you know have this.

Opinion i feel like it's sad that comedians are getting shamed for so much in some ways maybe there's some crossing of lines but sometimes but i feel like we're just so wound up like everything is personal to people yeah there's.

A lot of self righteous indignation and you know but comedy's always been a democracy it's just that that where people vote is changing yeah you have to.

Evolve with it yeah i know otherwise they're not gonna laugh and show up.

Yeah so it's like funny's funny and you know i don't think there's words that i don't there is a shift happening i don't think that people should be silenced but if you don't get.

A laugh it but i think it makes you be more creative it's not.

Because the audience is stupid you know what i mean well you guys are laughing cause you're pc it's like no i always give the audience the benefit of the doubt i think the audience is always right you know and i think that because taste is changing and like what you just said what's funny is changing you know because what we see in the news all the time it's so brutal that i think what people want to see on their night off is changing because it used to be like we make fun of the president and we say the things no one can say like we hear about that all day every day now with twitter and this we're constantly seeing negativity that's true all day in the news that's true you know so i think what people want to see on their night off when they're paying eighty bucks is just changing and that's okay eighty.

Bucks to see you too yeah i mean look i'm in the wrong business.

I'Ll tell you what eighty bucks well not when you saw me no that was but yeah so i think it's just to me and your listeners are obviously all about thriving and success and i just it's you've got you cannot stay stick to the thing that worked a year ago if it doesn't work.

Anymore in your relationship in your business.

Anything how many times are you gonna stub your toe on the table before you either move the table or go around the table you know it's twelve step one hundred one god help me to accept the things i cannot change and what can you change what can't you change and then go from there i like it you know cause right now we're just going like this thing the thing i did five years ago isn't working it's like yeah gotta grow when's the special out july thirtieth july.

Thirtieth yeah netflix netflix watch it post it share it on instagram stories when you're watching it tag you it's gonna be amazing the trailers are incredible on your instagram right now i feel like.

I half said that serenity prayer i was like do i even say i'm assuming everybody knows that for some reason god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change control the things i can and the wisdom to.

Know that difference is there anything else we can you're hilarious on instagram oh thanks whitney cummings on instagram they can see you on tour in la i'm.

Not touring for a while it's kind of my standup special i'm working on a new show we'll see what happens with it but i'll start touring soon.

Whitney two point zero is a new.

Show yeah well i've got a robot that i'm gonna start sending out for.

Me it's amazing i love it i want to acknowledge you for mama whitney because you have an amazing heart oh you really do have an amazing heart and i think that is a thing that people recognize the most about you obviously you're extremely creative talented hilarious all these things and you tell incredible stories but you have a powerful heart because you continue to desire to get better and you want to improve and i think that's what's really special about you so i acknowledge you for your heart thank you so my final question if there's a pause is what's your definition of actually i have two final questions this one is so maybe it'll pause for a second this one is called the three truths so i want to imagine that you are giving the last performance standup of your life and the whole world is watching just imagine it's fifty one hundred years from now you still have all your capabilities of communication but it's you're like all right this is my last farewell tour and eventually you know soon after you're gonna die but you've created everything you want to create all the specials books robots whatever you want to do in the future right but you have one last tour and one last performance and you do this amazing show people are laughing they're crying they're enjoying whatever you want it to be but at the end you get to leave people with three things you know to be true about your life and the lessons you would leave behind is what i like to call the three truths that this is all people to have to kind of remember you by these three lessons what would.

You say yours and i say them and they get believe them like it works whatever i say works you say.

It and this is your truth this is like you know a lesson that's for me is like when i always live in gratitude i live a better day like i want i want to leave that behind for you as like.

A truth a lesson okay when i'm in gratitude that would be like yours.

Would be that i'm just making something up yeah or like you know the health is the most important thing in your life that's the truth so just i'm giving examples what are your truths though i don't want to make something up for you i'm saying from what you think will be all the lessons you've learned up to now imagine it's the last performance you get to give but the world is watching is it.

Are these more emotional are these more.

Whatever truth you want it to be for me you know it can be lessons of life not like when you see a dog bite or something but like a lesson that you would want to leave behind this is all people would have to remember you by what would you want to leave behind as like these truths these lessons.

This is a nightmare question this is hard can i have an example of one that you've liked.

Yeah someone said sam harris he's like always tell the truth he's like it solves so many problems when you tell the truth it might be hard totally disagree he said it might.

Be hard sometimes you have to lie to people to get him to leave.

You alone okay there you go that.

Could be your truth no well some people lie you know i'm such a big fan of sam harris i'm totally joking that was one of your i need to take that advice yeah because i'm always like sorry i can't make it today i can but i'm not going to yeah i mean i'm so because i really need guidance to know how to you know i really need like walls to operate in because i.

Get to yeah imagine it's your last day you've created everything you want to create in the world tv movies whatever the family you want but you've got to take it all with you so no one has access to any of the work you have anymore so they don't have your content anymore social media's all gone but you get to write down three things to be true you get to say a message in front of an audience that you can leave behind and this is all they have these lessons to live by kind of your commandments i should have prepared for.

This i know everyone else does no they don't really it always goes like this because you're dealing with a bunch of perfectionists that want to get it right i want to win this one.

It'S better or worse i wanna beat sam harris it's better with what's on your mind right now or what's on your heart it's even better it's tricky.

Like this is now you're getting an insight into the part of my brain i'm not proud of cause i get really indecisive and i get really like dichotomous in my thinking cause like my first instinct was you don't owe anyone anything and no one owes you anything like that's something that really helps me when i walk through the world cause i'm like nobody owes me anything nobody owes me anything when my expectations start getting too high but at the same time i want to say like kindness fixes everything and forgiveness fixes everything but then i'm like but you don't owe like do those contradict each other am.

I a hypocrite is that a truth.

Or no no okay none of these.

Are good yet okay number one what would you say what's something that you could be proud to leave behind as.

A truth but am i trying to like fix problems am i trying to fix the world i'm trying to make what's one of my what's your final.

Message you don't have to fix anything.

I wouldn't do the show how much am i getting paid for the show if i only had one show i.

Want you to get paid to come.

I wouldn't show up i wouldn't go.

It'S all good what are you feeling right now it doesn't have to be you'd always tell me later hey i would add this other truth it's okay if you need like seven truths or twenty but if you just three things that you feel like in the last few years that you're like yeah yeah those are good lessons i'd want to.

Share that if you've met more than two assholes in one day maybe you're the asshole i know it sounds like a quote it sounds like ism it's just like you have more power than you think in terms of you know maybe it's you because i think you know blame blame is such a drug and you know and it's tricky cause we're seekers and we're people that are constantly proving ourselves but it really made me feel power a power i didn't have when someone's like maybe when something's your fault at least i can do something about it there's something liberating in it being your fault i love when things are my fault i love when i'm wrong because at least i can fix it when someone else is wrong there's nothing i can do you know yell at them totally there's nothing you can do manipulate them you know scream at them and then you're in insanity you know so i think that i think they'd probably be quotes that you've heard from other people that worked for me that's fine insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result that helped me a lot so i know that to be true okay that's one this is gonna sound like me being having an agenda and this is a quote there's people like fifty people have said it and nobody knows who actually said it or it's assigned to like fifty people but i do think we are so disconnected from the other species on our planet it just helps like the way we treat animals is our legacy because animals are just what have less power than us so the way we treat our animals is the way we treat our women the way we treat our children the way we treat anyone who's more it's how we teach the next generation to abuse their power so so i think that that is something that you know just the way we treat our women children and animals is who we are ultimately i don't know why i don't know this comedy show's gonna be awful my last show is gonna be.

Terrible you've already made people laugh now.

I'M gonna be bombing they just wanna hear a message i think it's you know mistreating people doesn't make you powerful you know mistreating something with less power.

Isn'T i love the quote or the meme that's like my father always taught me to treat the janitor that's the same as the ceo where it's like always treat people with like equal kindness.

Yeah the way you treat other people is a reflection of how you feel about yourself you know and i think that when you disrespect other people you're just ruining your reputation you're hurting yourself so i think that that's something that we don't understand understand or something that maybe there's a little bit of a dissonance on the way you treat other people is very much a reflection of who you are and how you feel about yourself are you choosing to toxify your environment are you choosing to purify.

Your environment that's a problem okay that's two your final message to the world.

I don't even like that last one.

I like it how you treat other people is a reflection of you yeah.

But that's so obvious they can be.

Simple they can be simple it doesn't have to be something like i think simple is profound that's be one of.

My truths that's a good one okay that's a really good one yeah yeah okay less is more i don't know what to do this is so hard what's another good one what's in your.

Heart right now just pure confusion because you're analyzing confusion you're analyzing everybody i know i just want it to be good yeah am i going to win this yeah but if you had a lesson that you could share with your heart a lesson from your relationship maybe relationship with your parents relationship with your.

Fiance what's a lesson i'm too analytical for this question because i don't like truisms i don't like super love yourself i don't like that we talked about this because it's like it's gonna be.

A comedy special one day this is a nightmare a guy asked me about what my favorite three truths are and.

I couldn't figure out and i jumped out the window i mean i'm gonna cause i don't like things that if there's even one way to disprove it debunk it i don't like it i just go well if it's not true.

Once it's not true then a lesson.

Yeah that's a better word a good lesson then i feel bad about that love yourself thing oh it's all right i think people are using the self love thing to not take responsibility for their behavior but i'm gonna love myself it's like you still should process your consequences and ramifications there is this new radical self love thing that is like giving people permission to be jerks or unhealthy yeah i'm gonna just love myself i drink four glasses of wine a day but i love myself and you're.

Like no that's there's consequences to loving.

Yourself that way it doesn't mean radically just be irresponsible and don't take inventory of your behavior like look at the ruckus you're causing around you and the damage you're doing as well if so we don't forgive others because they deserve forgiveness we forgive others because we deserve peace that's a good one that's a.

Good one that would be the most powerful one no one's ever said that.

That'S the best one that is a.

Banger it's a banger resentment is a.

Disease that's correct it crystallizes in your.

Heart rat poison and you're drinking and you're trying to give to someone else.

Yes and it just calcifies and you.

Project it all over an energetic cancer in the world yeah i like this one so you won with that i.

Agree sam take that this is so this is a good one and i don't think i'm gonna phrase it eloquently first but i do like it of just and i'm sure someone said it in some way but just that it's a big thing we say in program is just like you're not your story you're not the story you wrote about yourself and or you can be a.

New sorry i interrupted you there no please you can be a new story you can be the new story right yeah that's right you're not the old story but you can create a new.

Story you cast yourself in the wrong movie yeah it's just you know and i think that like most of your thoughts are science fiction i mean that's the other thing like a lot of your thoughts and beliefs just aren't true and that doesn't mean you're an idiot that doesn't mean you're stupid it's just that person's mad at me that person doesn't like me like they're not thinking about you at all in fact they don't care they're in their own insecurity they're worried if you like them they're obsessed about their selfie or you know whatever you know we obsess about what other people think about us till we realize they're just not thinking about us at all good news bad news so i think that like a lot of our beliefs being science fiction is really helpful to me a lot of the things that i think that's a lot of people don't like that because they're like what do you mean you're calling me dumb or you know it's just no that's a relief a lot of the things that that are in your head the voices in your head aren't.

Yours yeah you can let go of.

It yeah they're voices that developed when you were a kid and under different circumstances is that two that's three are you sure i bombed this part forgive us one yeah that's a good one.

This one that you just said is.

The story there's no difference between the way you treat other people and the story and then you're not your story.

I like these three a lot i don't think i've ever heard those three as a combination i don't even know if i've heard two of the three i don't think i've heard so he's.

A liar i'm not i can't remember.

This com if it happened yeah they're.

Very powerful your inner monologue's just not true that's kind of helpful sometimes mm.

Sorry you got like seven and a half in here i like it yeah.

Yeah i know that was a solid solid c minus this is all good.

I feel like it's not a competition.

Yeah it is.

Life is a game.

I'M looking at this i'm trying to win and i'm like okay i'm failing this but these are perfect i think they're beautiful maybe this is this is so stupid but i think it's an artist like mistakes sometimes are the best part of anything except for this section of this it's just mistakes are always where the magic is in everything you know i think that's that's has taken me a long time to learn i.

Love it you know this is amazing i really acknowledge you for staying in this through the construction through the analytical.

Brain through i know that was paralyzing.

Deformity oh yeah that's right everything is happening but i really am glad that i got to know you because i've just seen you on your show or special and at the comedy store once or twice but getting to know your heart is really inspiring so i'm really glad we connected right now in this moment and i hope we get to do more stuff and i can support you in any way just let me.

Know if anything look your listeners i have no idea what their takeaway from this is but if anything it's like i'm not i'm looking at your wall of all these people who like are experts at success and branding and i'm not i'm if anything i'm a big mess and i have success you can be a mess and have success like i'm looking at your wall and it's all these like overachieving like a plus like like incredible people i make mistakes and i'm an addict and i had eating disorders and i had a great you know and i'm still i have not fixed everything about me and i still have success you know so maybe that's a good takeaway you can just be a train wreck and still have success live in the world you don't you don't have to be like you like you don't have to have read every single book you don't have to like you know have be giving inspirational seminars in order to have success that's great you know maybe that's imperfection is also okay it's perfect you know god this wall is really intense it's like all professional healers i know you know.

Some of these healers yeah i know.

A lot of these people people go through it all you don't have to meditate every day to be a success i'm about to totally ruin i'm about to debunk it all i'm about to debunk everything you don't have to have rituals you don't have to write in a journal i don't have to wake up at five you don't have to wake up at five you don't have to work out you don't have to be keto or paleo i don't even know what i'm saying like you don't have to do any of that stuff you don't have to take vitamins every you can still be successful even if you're not perfect yeah doing all the things that life hacking all the time yeah whatever that's good you can be.

A hot mess i love it i gotta come to your show do you do every week down here at the.

Comedy store yeah yeah yeah i'm there.

A couple nights a week i gotta come more often then you've inspired me to want to come out more so i'm gonna come out and bug you and heckle at you sometimes i cancel.

Sometimes i flake sometimes i'm not you know i'm imperfect like i'm you know flaming mess i love it this is.

My this is my final question for you for this interview and hope i do more with you in the future but the final question is what's your.

Definition of greatness my definition of greatness is i don't know i'm pretty hard i'm pretty rough about this it's excellence and authenticity in the same do you know what i mean yeah if you're someone else's version of great that's kind of whoops i think and this is maybe because i'm a comic and an artist and i think it's greatness is like at least in what i do in my personal life i don't even think i can really speak to that because i think greatness in your personal life is more about your behavior instead of other people's behavior you know what you don't do instead of what you do do greatness is about shutting your mouth and not saying that thing or not giving that criticism or not losing your temper like greatness is more about being stoic but i think for what i do for a living professionally it's about making sure someone before they see you and after they see you they're changed in some way leaving some kind of impact like making them think differently see something differently laugh at something they never thought was funny at least what i do the movie i made if you don't leave that movie knowing more about neurology than you did then i found there's no greatness in that if you leave a comedy show that i did knowing less or not having tweaked your perception of something i have failed there's no greatness there so i think it's like greatness in what i do is just leaving an imprint on somebody in some real way you know otherwise what are you doing you're just wasting someone's time i know it's just masturbatory but that's really specific yeah i like it changing someone's mind about something i.

Guess that's what we try to do here and that's what i told you i wanted to do with this interview i was like i want people to leave better than this that they feel inspired to make an impact they want to take an action think differently share.

With a friend help someone because i just get a little bit i get stuck in that and sorry now i'm rambling i get a little bit stuck in the whole like affect people and because that sometimes goes into my codependence it's not your job to fix people or you know that that's or not fix but yeah it's their job to fix themselves like greatness isn't martyrdom you know you don't go out and martyr yourself on people rescue people emotionally you know caretake people so that's when i get a little bit like oh wait a second greatness is staying in your lane and fixing yourself cause the best way to is to lead by example you know so that's why i'm kind of like tripping up on it it's.

Also like what i'm hearing you say is like creating a piece of art through your work that empowers people to think in a way to improve their.

Life yeah and have conversations they wouldn't have normally or change the way that they think for the better or you know change their mind about something or even if it's as simple as like oh women are funny oh even if it's that simple even if i'm setting an example or a woman going like oh maybe i can do that thing i was scared of doing i think leading by example is important so i think greatness starts with you know making yourself instead of focusing on how can i help other people like we'll get your together and then we'll talk about what you can do for other people but you're a you know you're a mess cleaning up cleaning up your mess and then we'll talk about you know so i try to sort of stay in that space i also think there's just like a simple greatness like would i make a better decision today than i would yesterday i think also there's that we get so and you're such a like big picture healer that i think sometimes there's this pressure to like do something so sometimes greatness is like can be tiny and incremental absolutely and just like today i didn't text that person back that can be greatness because sometimes that's the hard you know yeah.

Or small acts every single day are.

Great yeah yeah i think to me.

I get so smiling at someone on.

The street that's why i'm getting so daunted because i'm like greatness like oh shit like this is such a big you know i think greatness can be really.

This is why you know my definition used to be something like go be the best in the world what you want to do but then it shifted to discover your unique talents pursue your dreams that you enjoy and make an impact on people along the way while you're pursuing the thing you love yeah for me it's like there's nowhere in there it's like be number one in the world and make a billion dollars or be so successful that everyone loves you it's do the thing you love and help people along the way.

By being positive cause it's yeah cause it's i think that like it's we i think always forget about about the lead by example thing it's like people can look to you and go i might not have a podcast and be a brand like him but i'm a teacher and if i just teach these five kids you know impact these people yeah yeah i like that like what's your version of greatness that's it that's it god these questions are really stressing me out and i'm stressed oh good.

Well this is the last question so i appreciate it again thank you for your heart i really i don't know i really like hanging out with you i don't want to say i like i don't think i've ever told someone i like i really like you so.

I feel weird i do this all.

The time i feel weird that i'm saying i feel weird that i'm saying i like you but i just like.

That i hope so i just i.

Don'T know i just enjoy the level of work that you've done on yourself and continue to do and acknowledging of it and processing constantly i think it's rare to see someone in your position do this much work oh wow and talk about it openly and be like proud of it and not shaming yourself.

So yeah i just i think we all like i don't know for me i like to lead with my failures and mistakes and flaws because i think there's right now there's just this perfectionism culture and this brag about only your wins and don't talk about any of your losses culture and i just i think it's it's just it's no good but i appreciate that you well you're.

Amazing say that i appreciate you being.

Here thanks thank you whitney i hope.

That was perfectly perfect.

A big thank you my friend for being here and listening to this episode if you enjoyed this you know what to do spread the love send a text to one friend i don't care if you're using whatsapp or you're dming a friend or you text them facebook messenger just message one friend this link lewishouse dot com eight hundred thirty two or take the link link on the podcast app where you're listening to this on apple podcast or spotify wherever you're listening to this take the link and message one friend be a champion be a hero be a leader an inspiring person in someone's life today by sending them this interview and recommending them check it out whitney has had an incredible life experience so many things she's been up to so many mistakes and failures and lessons and successes that you can learn from and your friends can learn from too so make sure to share that out with your friends and do me a favor and leave a review i don't care if you leave one star three star or go five stars like most people do but just write your thoughts i want to hear your thoughts i want to hear how i can make this better i want to hear if you enjoyed this interview or not what you gained from whitney and what you'd like to learn more of so share your thoughts write it down we share this this with our audience we share with our team and it really helps us continue to spread the message of greatness in the beginning here we had a quote we had a quote from mary tyler moore who said take chances make mistakes that's how you grow pain nourishes your courage and you have to fail in order to practice being brave i hope you're doing something that scares you today every single day i hope you're doing something that cultivates your courage that allows you to be brave it's hard to be brave if you're just sitting on the couch and not doing anything that scares you if you're not taking any risks but you become more brave you build the muscle of bravery when you take risks and chances and do things that risk being embarrassed that risk failure that risk being judged put yourself out there continue to stay step into who you were born to be as always i love you you know what time it is it's time to go out there and do something building a portfolio with fidelity basket portfolios is kind of like making a sandwich it's as simple as picking your stocks and etf's sort of like your meats and other topics and managing it as one big.

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