913 Greatness Redefined with Mel Robbins, Esther Perel, Maria Sharapova and Najwa Zebian

This is episode number nine hundred and thirteen on greatness redefined and sharing your own story welcome to the school of greatness my name is lewis howes former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness thanks for spending some time with me today now let the class begin maya angelou said all great achievements require time welcome to this episode today guys i'm actually in the middle of puerto rico spending some quality time with some of the biggest thought leaders new york times bestselling authors entrepreneurs who've built and sold billion dollar companies and just all around great human beings in the world we're connecting with brendan burchard going over how to make a bigger impact in the world how to build our businesses so that we can have more resources to impact more people how to create movements and it's been a powerful last few days and it's reminding me about time how do we use our time how long things take in order to build something meaningful a movement takes time things don't happen overnight and sometimes we lose sight of that and we we want it so fast and we forget the power of our story and we sometimes are so limited by our beliefs of what is possible in a limited amount of time as well and this episode is an incredible series of interviews with some powerful women we've got esther perel who's new york times bestselling author and recognizes one of today's most insightful and original voices on modern relationships we've got mel robbins the five second rule and her new show the mel robbins show we've got najwa zabian who is an amazing speaker poet and author and the world champion maria sharapova all on here talking about a number of different things and we hit on a range of topics with these experts answering questions directly from the audience at summit of greatness and if you haven't been to the summit of greatness this is our annual event you can go to summitofgreatness dot com to learn more about it and we just announced our first few speakers for this year we talk about the importance of sharing your story and how to manage negative backlash as all these women have experienced backlash on their rise to greatness we break down the stereotypes of relationships and what society defines as gender roles in romantic partnerships we talk about how to break the habits that hold you back in your life from reaching your full potential so if you got negative habits how to break those we talk about when you are at the top of your business and career how to keep your hunger your drive and your peace of mind when other people are coming at you that and so much more i'm very excited about this some incredible women that we've got on here make sure to share this out on your social media lewishouse dot com nine hundred thirteen and tag the ladies you can also go to the show notes and learn more about them and connect with them over there and now i'm excited to get into this episode with the ladies of greatness the kia sportage turbo hybrid has a bold design a spacious interior with two hundred thirty two horsepower and a twelve point three inch panoramic display to keep the adventure going and fit with the way you live and with sirius xm every drive comes alive bringing you closer to the music the sports talk and podcasts that you love right in your vehicle or on the siriusxm app every siriusxm equipped kia sportage turbo hybrid includes a three month trial so the experience begins the moment you drive learn more at kia dot com sportage hybrid kia movement that inspires this message is brought to you by apple card apple card members can earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases wherever they shop this means you could be earning daily cash on just about anything like a slice of pizza from your local pizza place or a latte from the corner coffee shop apply for apple card in the wallet app to see your credit limit offer in minutes subject to credit approval apple card issued by goldman sachs bank usa salt lake city branch terms and more at applecard dot com the school of greatness is sponsored by capital one nowadays most people subscribe to everything music tv even dog food and it rocks until you have to manage it all which is where capital one comes in capital one credit cardholders can easily track block or cancel reoccurring charges right from the capital one mobile app at no additional cost with one sign in you can manage all your subscriptions all in one place learn more at capital one dot com subscriptions terms and conditions apply.

Maria your podcast they were great with lewis i learned a ton about you and how genuine you are how honest you are and something i really enjoyed was for a while you said you hated being in the car that everyone knew it was the tournament it was a tournament car you didn't like it was it your time away from the sport or did something change over those fifteen months that now you embrace it again you like those things you enjoy it it's a.

Great question i think when you do something for a very long time and as specific as tennis is and it's around the world in a very similar similar places tournament at the same time of the year you know where you're going you know what you're getting you know the people like there's a sense of routine and all of that which is very comforting but when you've been around the block for so many years you have to find ways to motivate yourself and being away from the game for that period of time it gives you a new sense of perspective as i went into this year's us open and i get i get to a grand slam like five or six days before the tournament starts to get used to the conditions practice on the courts and and i remember my coach booked a practice on center court like four days before the tournament began and the day before we were supposed to practice they had an issue with the court and everyone that was scheduled to practice on center was canceled and when he told me i literally felt like i don't know someone kicked my dog like it was an awful feeling and i was like i've practiced on that court for so long like i've played on it i've practiced on it and it was like i realized that right there right then that this was something new to me like i was looking forward to it like how much i missed it and yeah it's those little things that you need to gain appreciation and sometimes that's what it takes awesome thank.

You of course my question is you grew up in tennis and tennis was.

Pretty much your mentality louis talked about.

How he had that one moment where.

He'S like oh holy i'm an entrepreneur.

And i know as an entrepreneur i've.

Had that moment as well so i'm.

Really curious to see or to know that moment from you from when your brain switched to maria sharapova the amazing.

Tennis player to i'm maria sharapova a.

Business owner and an entrepreneur like when.

Was that switch for you what was.

That aha moment i think it developed over time when i understood what i was passionate about and what i enjoyed doing when i was younger i really i loved fashion and so a lot of the project projects that i was involved in were based around fashion i had i designed collections with nike for the things that i would wear for the other girls that were playing on tour as well and that was like i just i loved the clothes and the textures and just the experience of working with the designers and then that shifted into business like i found myself in meetings with you know decisions that were you know tougher like that it made more impactful than maybe choosing a texture for a skirt and i realized that like i appreciated that i wanted to learn from them more and as i sat as i sat in these meetings more and more i just gained a new appreciation of people that were really good at what they did and i wanted to learn from them and maybe i could one day use it in my business and then i was i had a shoulder surgery at twenty one years old right after i won my third grand slam title and i was away from the game for about a year and that was a time when twenty one is for for an athlete and tennis player specifically that's really like i mean kind of the peak of your career that's when you should be i had been playing amazing tennis starting off the year and five months later found myself on an operation table just not really giving all control whereas i controlled my whole life giving control to someone that's you know going to put my tendon back in place and that was scary and i think that's when i realized that tennis wouldn't be my whole life and there's a lot of different avenues that i would want to explore thank you of course my.

Question to you is what is one piece of advice that you would give to all of the budding entrepreneurs that.

Are in this audience.

A few i think teamwork is extremely important it's something that i've used as an athlete and i've used in business i think when you start a business you are the soul you know you're the creator and you you have the ideas and you're the one that pays most of the bills but you don't know everything and i think it takes it takes a step down for someone to say you know what i'm not perfect in that area or i don't know enough in that i need to bring other people in i want to learn from other people and accept their knowledge i spent a few days shadowing adam silver who is the nba commissioner and i spent a few days just like being in a room with him with i mean he is a leader i mean if there's a leader in an athlete's world it's adam silver and he constructed these meetings with a type of attitude that allowed everyone in the room to give ideas brainstorm without feeling any pressure that this guy is their boss and is their leader at the end of each meeting he would give his few ideas and most likely he'd go back to the office and think to himself okay that wasn't that good but he wasn't pushy he didn't put pressure on people he allowed them to work together that was very impressive the question i have.

For maria is i'm so impressed with you as an athlete in your mindset like watching you you were like the protege for a long time as the young you know young athlete that came up and when you were beating people you were knocking them off but you've kind of lasted that career and now you're the person that they want to then beat what has that done for you in the position mentally and when you had that like effort to go get them because you were the underdog and you were the young girl on stage yeah and to now being the person that doesn't matter if they're ranked or known they beat maria sharapova that's.

Their belt it's a very interesting shift and it's something i go quite deep in the book because i felt this so much i mean i won my first grand slam at a very young age i was only seventeen years old and i was not expected to win i didn't expect it for myself no one expected it from me and immediately was put in a position which i'm grateful for of course but it brought so many things on the table that i didn't know what to do with and one of the things i immediately felt was this when i would go into a match following that victory that the opponent that was playing me was playing much more than that particular round that we were in they were playing for beating me for getting everything that i had gotten along the way after that victory and it was hard it felt very isolating because it i mean you want to put yourself in your own group in your own bubble in your own league i think that's that's something that we we want to aspire to we want to get there but it was a lonely feeling like it felt like you know i had to i had to go within myself and be like but i still want to beat them like i want to i almost had to feel like i had to beat them even more like that's that's the mentality because if it's so it's really hard it's hard to face that as a teenager and it was a reality check really fast and i still i mean i face that you know till this day but i think that's a that's a privilege it's a good position to be in it's where you want to be if someone wants to beat you that means you've done something to get there means you're doing something right i mean that's something that billie jean king always says pressure is a privilege anyone who watches you knows your intense amount of focus so when you face critics negative comments et cetera whether it's fans players in the locker room of that nature what's your best way of handling it do you focus that you just completely shut it out do you learn from it do you address it maybe explain a little bit that we can all relate to yeah i faced a lot of it ever since i was young when i won wimbledon i remember a news outlet flying from great britain to my grandparents home in the middle of nowhere i have no clue how they found them and we're questioning my grandparents on not only questioning but criticizing my grandparents on how could you do this to your you know your grandchild sending them to america when they're young making them play tennis every single day trying to get this negativity out of them for comments that they could use in a news in a media outlet and from that point on i realized that this was going to be a crazy ride because that was i mean that's just weird and i faced a lot i've faced i faced headlines i faced tough critics i faced negativity i faced envy as a woman but i always go back to something that i've always seen in my mother and that is you know my mom was always in the shadows of my career she wasn't into sports she had nothing to do with it and she dedicated her whole life just to be there for me to be my mom and she carried herself with this just elegance of not letting anyone control her life tell her what to do tell if you know her maybe her parents said she was crazy for allowing her daughter to go to america at a young age but she did it with this class and elegance that i've always carried with me throughout my whole career i think there's a very powerful a powerful element in a woman when you're just able to step back and accept it and put your head up and say you know what i accept this today and i'm going to take action and with my actions i'm going to change an opinion around and i will also say for every tough critic there are hundreds and hundreds of people that are positive and have something amazing to say about you but our mind just doesn't function that way our mind always goes to the one person that just said that one word and that tough word and we we analyze it and we go we it's like a hamster wheel it's in our mind why would they say that but we didn't mean that and it's hard it's definitely hard but i always think of my upbringing i think of my parents and it just grounds me so that's that's how i try to handle it thank.

You so i mean you made it big at seventeen you went big at seventeen you have had a long and successful career last year was like a reset bottom for for you from you basically right but you gotta prove yourself again so i guess that during those times you were looking for motivation you were looking for inspiration to get you up so let's turn the tables and let's imagine that you're sitting on any of these seats what would you like to hear from someone like you to pump you up fire you up i.

Think firing you up it takes time i think like realistically it takes time when you are down and you are going through a tough moment like you can have great people around you you can have positive words and positive energy and you can go dance and have a drink and feel good for a little bit but then then reality settles in and you go kind of back down again and so i acknowledge that because there is no easy answer like there's no there's nothing someone will say to you that will just change everything around it takes time it takes people it takes patience it takes resiliency and you have to go through it like there's no easy way around it it's just it's the way it is like whether it was for me whether it was everyone in this room has faced those challenges in their own personal way and you have to acknowledge it you have to bring it to the surface sometimes we're in denial a little bit it takes time time to get that up to the surface and that always makes the process a little bit easier personally for me and writing like i i love putting the tough days on paper i i don't necessarily love it at the moment but i love getting it out of my system on paper not to people but sometimes something that you do with your hand is very important there's like i always feel like there's a connection with your mind and your hand and having it and then and then the satisfaction of getting through that moment and and looking back at that and seeing i faced that and i overcame it.

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You always temper it in such a way that you can be a source.

Of inspiration be a source of hope.

For the people that are watching you.

Listening to you so that is a very complicated question i will try to.

Answer it take your time.

I wish we had all day we have to start with the definition of what vulnerability is and i do come across many people who say my vulnerability is weakness i don't want people to see that i'm vulnerable and i think that we have to look at who it is that we are sharing pieces of who we are with because you're not just going to be vulnerable with everyone around you there are certain healthy boundaries that you need to build between you and other people so you have to look at who are you opening up to who are you hoping to be seen by who are you hoping to be heard by instead of seeing your vulnerability as something that you want to hide away from everybody or give it to everybody right because you will have people who won't honor your story like i spoke today because i knew that everyone in here would honor my story everyone in here wants to listen to me but the mistake that we tend to make most people tend to make is that they are vulnerable with the person who doesn't want them to be vulnerable with them they're doing it when hopes that that person will open their eyes and say you do deserve to be loved because of everything that you've gone through or the struggles that you're going through so we open up to the wrong people so once we shift who we need to be vulnerable with then we start seeing vulnerability as a source of us uncovering ourselves and feeling whole with ourselves and with that person in front of us because and i'm sure everybody could relate to this when you talk to someone about a personal thing and you don't feel like they valued it you're putting one more brick on that wall that you're building you're not opening up more so the purpose of it is being heard and being seen so it has to be the right.

People so you're saying does that help yes yes so you're saying then be more focused on who it is that you're sharing that vulnerability with so that.

It can do they have permission do they deserve instead of asking yourself am i worthy of them listening to me ask yourself are they worthy of hearing.

My story great sick.

Wow total reframe.

For me thank you thank you i.

Guess my question is how can i support you.

You just did you just did i tend to get very emotional when i talk about things like this but i went through an experience where i was made to believe that a certain stage of my life never happened and that i made it up in my mind and that was part of the abuse so when i speak of my story the most empowering thing for me is when someone says i believe you that's it.

I grew up in israel i can relate to you you're from lebanon my story is about mental health and my journey and my goal is to help others get out of their mental health through my journey and i feel like as an orthodox jew i get a lot of stigma and i'm sure you can relate to that yes we're very similar i feel like a sister but i'm so goal oriented to break that stigma and not to hear the voices but i do have a family i do have a huge support network but when those voices come and those bashing comes what do we do to just isolate them and just keep focused and say we're on a path i'm not going to let them stop me because they're strong voices yeah.

Well i would just like to begin by saying i really really can relate to what you're saying i've had to walk on a path where most of the people around me within my community or you know within my family within my culture within my religion they would look at me and say oh you're looking at things that don't really matter you know it's all in your head just shake it off and for a long time again with building homes inside of people sometimes you build that home inside your culture or inside your religion and you say if i don't fit that if there's no room for me there that means that i'm just not worthy as a human being so you have to start and i do this myself you have to start thinking of what is the real goal here of them telling me that i shouldn't take care of my mental health right what are they getting out of me not feeling like i've taken care of myself why is the focus on them and what they think of what i need my focus should be on me and what i need to continue moving on in this life because at the end of the day yes you have a family you have a community but you are walking your own path right so when you get those comments picture it like this you have a home inside of you and part of that home is self value and self worth if someone points a comment at you it's like somebody knocking at the door open the door you see who it is it's a negative comment that tells you something that you know is wrong you don't welcome it in you just let it leave so it's about your perception of what they think of you and how you minimize it that will allow you to let go of that and in terms of having like bigger initiatives for communities as a whole to get rid of the stigma people have to share their stories it was a big hit when i shared my story i.

Shared my story and i'm writing a book but i'm getting a lot of because my story is beautiful and it has a beautiful ending but people are like keep it to yourself i shared.

My story i did i shared it and i got messages saying from people in my community you're looking for publicity you asked for it you behaved in a way that makes what happened to you something that you deserved happening to you i got that but i didn't care they're not living my life and for the five percent of messages or feedback that you get like that you get ninety five percent hidden stories saying i've been struggling with this for five years and you just gave me a voice so people need to start sharing their stories thank you thank you.

I.

Think that the question that i have for you is while i'm on my healing journey i know you talked about mind platter nectar of pain and now this other stitching with gold right i feel like i'm stitching with gold how do i create a boundary especially with the stigma of oh yo these are your parents you should allow them to do whatever it is it's okay forgive them where i'm being very very protective of my own time my own integrity my own energy to make sure i honor my wife and my children moving.

Oh man.

The mask of mascara let.

It out yeah.

What advice would you give me as a man as a human being as a father and a role model for other men and children out there what advice would you give me to make sure that i honor and respect my mother and father for giving birth to me but at the same time honoring who i am and the pain that i've gone through as a child a son as a leader.

Thank you for sharing that with me that's thank you for sharing that are they asking you to be around you your family or are you thinking of how you should go to them and ask for you know a relationship or is it just kind of i kind.

Of went out of my way this year to forgive them like it was a long process it was a four year process for me and it was my father i've forgiven him my mother i've forgiven her but now the question is rebuilding the relationship rebuilding the relationship but making sure like i didn't i never received an apology just like you yeah yeah so it's like i want to make sure that those toxic behaviors those manipulative patterns they don't show up and i want to be able to take a stand and that's where the boundary comes in you know because i don't want to just continue the relationship because you're mom and dad and i want that validation absolutely you see what.

I'M saying i agree with that so what i would do is once you restart your relationship with them if you choose to because that's totally up to you trusting them again is definitely a risk it's a risk and you don't know what you're going to get out of it but you have to be very mindful and very aware of what you will accept and what you won't accept forgiveness is a very tricky topic because to forgive someone we usually think that forgiving them means that what they did was okay that we're saying we're letting go yeah you know it happened in the past it was okay that's not what forgiveness is forgiveness is saying what happened was horrible you shouldn't have done it but i'm no longer going to allow the pain that you caused me to affect who i am right now i'm forgiving you for me not for you you have to deal with what you've done right so if you think of you forgiving them that way then that keeps you mindful of the fact that those things might come up and if they do you're going to have to draw red lines again but if you go into it while you're mindful fully alert that something like that might happen and might cause some triggers for you the impact will be much less because you've already kind of expected or anticipated it but send me an email because i would like to give you my full thoughts on this oh you got it definitely yeah i appreciate.

You immensely thank you for being i just want to acknowledge you for just a moment as a muslim woman i've you know i grew up in the middle east i was born in mecca saudi arabia so and i have a very religious parents my father is my mom she was a buddhist so like and i had that struggle but for you as a woman who still owns her faith proudly immense gratitude and appreciation for showing up for like my younger sisters i'm so proud of you like i honor you thank you thank you.

Thank you.

The point i can't remember at all how this came up what is very clear is that sexlessness infidelity polyamory a complete new relationship between father and child gender fluidity all these are topics that are entering the office of a couple's therapist like they never have before and what needs to happen is an open conversation about it not what you do with it but the ability to have a conversation about this virginity used to be the big line fifty sixty years ago monogamy is the discussion of the day but we need to define what we mean by this and so part of what we were discussing is what happens with boundaries today the boundaries are changing all along when you come as sexual nomads to a relationship in which you then make a commitment exclusivity means something very different what does exclusivity mean it means that i'm finally willing to relinquish my freedom for you my dear for whom i will delete my apps we have to redefine all the terms we're using the same words and they mean to completely new realities so too on the polyamory front so that's kind of where this was yeah.

Next there was a girl earlier who.

Was talking about being the strong powerful woman and that's hard to be that in the relationship but i don't have an asshole guy i have the most.

Amazing guy in the world who makes me feel like even more of a success than i know i am on paper he's not that on paper society tells me that i need somebody like that but he fits me emotionally what's your thought.

Let me i'm going to answer you with something that i talk about not often certainly i don't think i've ever talked about it like that on stage but i'm so i just feel so bad about your question and about the pressure i'm so under pressure all the time the pressure you know there are you know it's like this notion that if you that you have to choose between being powerful or successful and what do you say is that you need to have a partner who is the same because the loser doesn't exist in the feminine and the word emasculated by the way doesn't exist in the feminine either those are curses for men you understand there is lots of strength and today if we're going to really talk about gender equality it is not about fifty fifty or these kind of things it is really about letting the people do that which they are most competent doing if you are better at braving the world outside at making the money at doing the taxes god knows what else goes even the car the garden all of that stuff you know then go as long as you have the on the other side someone who reminds you you know someone who holds that feminine side of you for you someone who looks at you like that regardless of how much work and how much power you have had to exude in the world this is complementarity and relationships thrive on complementarity but the complementarity in straight couples is based on gender and not on what the gender does best.

Thank you.

So what i.

Was going to say to you i have been the primary breadwinner in my family for thirty five years that i'm married to the same man we have two sons who have seen the whole thing but my husband does human rights work and that is glorious work but it is not work that sends kids to school and that you know i admire him every minute you know there's enough wars and disasters going on for him to have worked until after he dies you know but maybe partly because i have a different view on this i never saw this as it takes the feminine out of me i just thought you know i have this strength i happen to know this a little you know i happen to be lucky or something whatever but he contributes in so many other ways and to come here and to have him just say i'm proud of you because this book is finally out and it's it's three years in the making the whole thing and i think i am so supported by a strong man because a strong man is a man who doesn't get intimidated by a strong woman.

My question to you because i feel like i am the epitome of dating right now in america and in my age group i you know i want to date i'm one of those people said yeah i think i want to be in a relationship but you have like these different flavors of yourself right you have happy jay you have sad j you have like need to be cuddled jay need to leave me alone jay you have like horny j whatever and my partner has all those same flavors too and you can have like the perfect mix it seems for weeks or months and all of a sudden like you clash because you're in the wrong flavor for each other at that point in time and it's like let's start swiping.

Again okay.

Thank you thank you.

Please.

Finish your question just so i'm not sure i'm not going off in the wrong track.

He'S scared i'm just good.

Question so i'm misattuned and i start to think about my swiping hand again.

And yes so i'm asking what's your advice to me what should my expectations be where should my level of patience be how do you fix me.

Next wednesday nine am look relationships is a dis dance connection disconnection repair that's the cycle attunement misattunement recalibration however you want to name this it's this rhythm it's a rhythm so first of all when you tell me the first sentence you know when we are perfectly in sync i'm like oh get the fuck word perfect out of there it's just like it's crippling because the minute you're not perfect you get restless and the minute you get restless your fingers start to twitch and it just takes you to a whole other place rather than maybe you're restless and you actually turn to your partner and you say you know what i'm restless my fingers would like to twitch would you like to sign on too so maybe i can swipe you you know in case you choose monogamy that's actually an interesting way to go about it you know it's like bring this restlessness instead of always siphoning it out it's like bring it you know in the same way that you say i'm your oxygen tank have her be your oxygen tank turn to her rather than away from her when you experience discontent restlessness whatever you call that so that's the first thing you know people these days the problem with swiping or social in general is that you can curate all kinds of fantastical and wishful lives online you can have a thousand friends online but that doesn't mean you know who's going to feed your cat you know i think what you want first of all is to accept it's very difficult to transition from the kind of sexual nomadism and the kind of multiple options to now just stay here and to stay put and it takes a while to know what to.

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That she's interested in you in the same way or that she's not as turned on in the same way or all the changes that take place and to actually bring this into the conversation which makes for a very interesting exchange when you don't just go into rules and regulations and ultimatums to me that's when you start to create real muscle in a relationship if you have a relationship that allows for the swiping and for the going elsewhere that's your negotiation the problem in most straight couples is that the negotiation this is back to the other question as well the negotiation about monogamy is just about five words i catch you you're dead that's about as much as people talk about and that's when i realized that after a crisis people actually really get in there and start to talk about the real stuff so what happens to you do you get lonely do you feel insignificant do you feel like i shouldn't have to demand i shouldn't have to expect i shouldn't have to wait because i'm such a great guy and i do for everybody else and i come home and i sit here and i wait for her and she's not even in the bed with me and all of that that may not be your story but like what what's your sense of entitlement but in the good sense of the word what do you feel you deserve because you know there's a lot of people here who say who are you and what do you deserve but there's a lot of people who say exactly that with a different tone who are you and what do you deserve so you feel like once that person was there for you all the time and now they're not so instantly available and responsive and then you start to feel like your self esteem is shriveling and your sense of importance is being shattered my suggestion if you want a relationship with muscle is that you go back in there and you duke it out and you fight and you don't ever think that a good relationship doesn't have arguments you on the contrary and you create a thing that is called fierce intimacy.

Right here what advice would.

You give someone who has recently gone.

Through a divorce but is constantly on the road and wants to re establish a meaningful connection with their previous partner.

Oh that's a beautiful question because i mean both of you are talking also about breakup okay listen i'm not going to do justice to any of this because i want to respect his time so it goes like this one of the things and maybe one of the things that i think we need to bring back is the art of letter writing not texts we didn't even talk about technology and about texting and ghosting and simmering and icing and all of the stuff that people are doing with relationships and technology i think when you have a new relationship imagine that instead of texting which is still super nice you write a handwritten letter do any of you i don't even know how old you are but do any of you remember going to a mailbox and seeing an envelope that had a recognizable hand letter this is the direct road to somebody's heart you want to reconnect with your ex write her a handwritten letter thank you.

Mel that podcast with you and lewis that was like my favorite podcast i heard in life it.

Changed everything this past year i also come from a legal background i quit my large law firm job last month.

Congratulations thank you you're free i am.

And i'm moving overseas took the leap going to vietnam to chase a new and better opportunity my question is i'm very excited about this opportunity i still have this nagging feeling of an imposter syndrome like did i oversell my corporate.

M and a experience good listen imposter syndrome is an amazing thing because it's normal when you're doing something new why the hell would you feel confident if you're doing something for the first time and so if you don't feel imposter syndrome in some area of your life which is that feeling that you a either don't deserve the success or that people are going to find out you have no clue what you're doing you are not growing you're not growing and so i want you to embrace the fact that you feel outside your comfort zone feeling that way is normal letting it stop you is a choice and so learn to actually ride the wave and understand that the only way that imposter syndrome goes away and you can google this research it's about the confidence confidence competency loop confidence competency loop all the research around confidence which disappears imposter syndrome is that it starts with being willing to try to learn new skills to see yourself growing and then once you gain the competency all the resistance and insecurity disappears so great congratulations that you have imposter syndrome so there's two so yes embrace imposter syndrome being able to actually step into it is a sign of greatness when your thoughts drift here though five four three two one and i want you to your anchor thought should be something around how excited you are for this next adventure okay.

The question is does inspiration build action.

And courage i think that inspiration comes after the action it's wonderful if you've been blessed as a human being to have a positive mindset and a healthy dose of motivation if you're like the rest of us mostly you're going to be afraid of all the things you need to do you're going to feel the resistance and so i think it is so important that you drill it into your head that it all begins with action inspiration comes when you see yourself getting out of bed when you see yourself going for a run despite how tired you are when you see yourself saying no because they didn't offer you the deal that you wanted you always have leverage in life because you can always say no negotiate contracts never negotiate who you are and so i want you to understand that it starts with action and it's a mistake for most of us to wait around until we feel like it because you may never feel like it got it thank.

You you're welcome my question to you is when you five four three two one action so when it comes to that go not like the loop of anxiety or such my wonder is about because i think that what comes after the one for me would be more intuitive and so many studies show that intuition isn't necessarily the smartest thing to act on when you're in a situation that requires strategy yes so i'm interested in using this tool but in a circumstance well in multiple circumstances in my.

Life give me a particular example okay.

I'Ll get vulnerable and very specific here okay good okay so i have a son and a very contentious relationship with my ex partner okay so i'm very much heart centered everyone's good everyone's love he's very much i want to litigate the shit out of you and crush you kind of personality okay so we chose each other this is our situation.

Right so what do you want to change about how you're being because we.

Can'T change him yes i want to specifically not feel like i'm constantly like being attacked like i feel like i'm constantly under attack and every single decision i'm making in my life right now i have to see in the eyes of a judge like will the judge take my son away from me if i make that decision for my life does this mean that i'm going to get pummeled with court papers tomorrow if.

I is it tomorrow is that your first name tomorrow okay so let me just broaden out the question so basically she's stuck in a loop of feeling so uncertain that it's making it paralyzing to make any decision and so first of all given that divorce and custody is a legal construct yes exactly you have to make sure that you're not making like you need to talk to an expert about particular decisions you're making so that it doesn't impact that that's one thing what you're dealing with is the result of being in a relationship where you were probably emotionally abused for years yes and it's become a habit to shrink yes it's become a habit to feel attacked it's become a habit to hide and so where you want to really go to work and this is your lesson from this chapter of your life is to find your voice and so when you start to feel yourself shrinking or start to go down the mental habit of now second guessing your own heart centered decisions because you've been taught to this is where you use the five second rule to five four three two one and your anchor thought needs to be come up with a vision a very specific one of where you were when you felt your most flow free and empowered as a woman and i want you to say to yourself i'm so excited to feel that way again because this is gonna take a while i would have to interrupt my thoughts one hundred thirty seven times a day when i first started attacking anxiety cause it was so much a habit same is gonna be true with you and so do not get discouraged when you see it again and you see yourself shrink again and you see yourself shrink again every time you see this stuff you guys it's a huge moment of power you just woke up you have a choice are you going to let that old behavior pull you in this way or are you going to five four three two one push yourself to be greater that's the choice that you get to make every single day you got it yes may.

I request just a clarification sure okay so you're saying within the specific context of my scenario this for me really is more about my mental and emotional.

One thousand percent one thousand percent and.

You'Re saying with my initial question to you that i need to just put that to my attorneys trust the attorneys allow the process to go and i deal with this game up here because.

Yes you do and here's the other thing because this is a legal situation like you know we look at divorce and custody and these sorts of things as emotional it's actually a legal construct you're untangling and unpacking a marriage if you have an unhealthy relationship with a person in your life whether it's your ex or your boss you have no business you cannot trust yourself talking about anything other than logistics exactly got it.

Because that's where i've been but like my desire was to hop out of the chair and be like let me go call him what time is it in the uk and be like let's just all work this out that's my why my question was about that initial.

Don'T take the bait quick story can i tell a quick story so my mother is one of my favorite people in the world i grew up in western michigan i love love love love love her we have this thing where when we go on vacation and see each other when i'm with my family we last about three or four days before there's like this massive explosion and then it's all rainbows and butterflies but it's painful explosion so i say to my brother derek why do you never fight with mom and he looked at me this was something he told me four months ago mel i don't take the bait when mom starts getting irritated and angry about stuff you immediately it's like she's fishing for you and you're like i'm in and so if you can train yourself to not take the bait that you took for years i use the five second rule right now in my life to really watch my tone with my family and with the people i work with and so you could use this to really catch yourself at the habit of jump in fix it ooh jump in and be lovely ooh jump in and like love everybody oh jump in make it okay.

That'S.

Exactly what it is because it's about controlling the narrative so everyone's good and.

Happy no you can't control any narrative but this one yeah and this is the most important one anyway because you live with that person thank you phenomenal.

Thank you you're welcome final question my.

Question is you have obviously become a.

Much more confident woman yes and you.

Had so much anxiety before that's how.

You describe yourself so my question is.

Since you've been using this and practicing it a lot is it to the.

Point where that's just how you crush.

Everything or are there still some things that you feel that anxiety over and if so what are they every time.

I do something new imposter syndrome so we're you know i'm inspired by lewis to do more events i'm cutting my speaking business in half because i just can't handle the road anymore one hundred and twenty one speeches last year it was great in the beginning after twenty one years of marriage because it felt like we were dating again but then it gets a little old and so all these new things that i'm doing of course there's a level of anxiety but what's so freaking amazing is when you get control of your thinking patterns and you actually have a breakthrough and realize you can choose what you think about about you won't torture yourself as much you won't make things as hard so yeah i feel all that stuff i should we're in the middle of negotiating some crazy shit right now and it may not happen it may not happen but i have the ability to let anxiety come and then just smash it down and regain control of what i'm doing right now so that i can be the smartest about what i want so that i can align what i'm about to do in terms of a decision with my values and so that i don't let emotion and particularly for women there is a lot of bias in business and if you get handed a crap deal you'll be offended and if you get offended in a business deal you will not be a shark as a negotiator and so yes i feel anxiety i just know how to deal with it i don't get.

Scared of it feeling it is normal.

Letting it stop you is a choice excellent thank you thank you.

I hope you enjoyed this interview series with some inspirational women from all walks of life we've got authors we've got speakers we've got world class champions all in this interview and if you enjoyed it make sure to share with your friends lewishouse dot com nine hundred thirteen it's all about reaching redefining greatness with these powerful individuals who are making an impact around the world and who've also gone through some challenges in their life and talk about how they've overcome them again lewishouse dot com nine hundred thirteen and you have an opportunity to make an impact on your friend's life your learning today has helped you now i want you to go apply what you learned and to your life and start see the results that you're creating but but in order to inspire someone else to help them you've got to share this content so send a text to one friend that you think might be inspired by these ladies stories and share it because you can make an impact and a difference and change someone's life today by doing so just send them to lewishouse dot com nine hundred thirteen i love this quote by maya angelou who said all great achievements require time things take time but you also don't want to be limited by time you can create a lot in a short amount of time but also empires and big dreams are going to take time continue to surround yourself with a team of people who can support you in your dreams continue to surround yourself with the information you need to support you with your dreams and continue to take care of your health and your body so you have the energy to pursue those dreams you matter you worth it i love you very much and thank you so much for being here you know what time it is it's time to go out there and do something great.

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