949 Change Your Mind to Attract Love, Abundance and Wealth with Marisa Peer

This is episode number 949 with Marissa Peer. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur, and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Victor Frankl said, when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. And Lao Tzu said, knowing others is intelligence. Knowing yourself is wisdom. Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power. I am so excited that you are here. We have Marissa Pierce in the house to talk about all things mastering your thoughts, mastering your feelings to transform your life into an incredible life of love, wealth and abundance. And we had her on before in an episode called youd Thoughts Will Heal.

Youl or Kill youl.

And this episode went viral. It went all over the place. It's one of our top episodes. We had her speak at the Summit of Greatness. She blew people away on stage. And I said, we got to bring you back to help people really learn how to master their thoughts, their mindset and their feelings. And there are a few speakers today that have wide experience and stellar reputation of Marissa Peer, who's named Britain's best therapist. And Marissa has spent over three decades treating A-list clients that includes international superstars, CEOs, royalty and Olympic athletes. and in this episode, we talk about the difference between how our thoughts and feelings affect us, the power of our words, and how we can be more mindful of what we're saying, not only to other people, but to ourselves. We discuss roles children take on if they feel they need more love or attention from their parents. This fascinated me, these key roles that we all take on, and you'll be able to see, based on how many other siblings you have, which role you play. Advice for parents on raising confident children. We talk about hypnotherapy and what makes it different from traditional therapy. And truly the difference between thoughts and feelings and how to manage all this anxiety and stress you might have for peace, love and abundance. I am so excited. Make sure to share this with your friends. And if this is your first time here, please text a friend at lewishouse.com/949 at any point throughout this episode where you feel inspired and you think someone needs to listen to this. you think you can impact someone's life with the wisdom of Marissa Peer, then share this link with a friend. And make sure to thank the friend that sent you here to listen to this episode as well. And I am so excited that you are here. So let's dive into this episode with the one, the only Marissa Peer.

Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness podcast. Super excited about our guest. Marissa Peer is in the house. I'm so glad you're here. One of our top guests of all time. We had you on, when was it, a year ago or year and a half ago?

Year and a half.

Year and a half ago we had you on. I didn't even know who you were at the time. Someone had emailed me a few different times over months and said, you, got to check out Marissa. And I was like, who is this therapist from the UK with an interesting accent? But then I watched a video of yours online and I was like, I really like your approach and your style. So we had you on and it took off in the audio, the video, and we really helped heal a lot of people. So, and we had you speak at some of the greatest slides you've ever given. You're one of the top speakers. It's been an amazing time. So, very grateful that you're back. And I think people could use your wisdom in your healing ways more than ever right now. Because I think a lot of people's thoughts are sick. And they don't know how to change their thoughts, heal their thoughts. You know, if we're so focused on negative thoughts, how do we even get to the place of stopping those thoughts and starting to heal from years or decades of thinking negatively?

And I guess that's a great question because most people don't even get there. You have to understand thoughts are things. When you think a thought, you have an immediate reaction. That's why if you think about eating, your stomach rumbles. If you think about sex, you get aroused. People say, I don't believe that. So what do you think an erection is? You think a thought, you get a physical reaction. That's not a one-off. If you think a thought, a thought has a physical reaction in your body immediately. and an emotional response. If I think I'm embarrassed, I might blush. If you say something moving, my eyes might fill up with tears because my body is reacting to thoughts. And if you could all be taught that early on, you react to thoughts, that's a fact. Here's another great fact. You can change your thoughts anytime you like. And if you change your thinking, it changes your entire life. So, for instance, we're all saying, I'm stuck at home. I go, no, I'm safe at home. Stuck safe. You change one little word, it changes everything. So we say, I'm trapped. I'm in a lockdown. You know, we're not actually trapped. They're not sealing up the doors like they did in the plague. And the plague, they sealed your doors and you couldn't physically get out. But we are asked to stay indoors. We still go out for walks. We go out to the store. We go to the pharmacy. We're not stuck, we're not locked in, we're not trapped, we're not in prison. It's not an apocalypse. It's not Armageddon. But if you start to use those words, it begins to feel exactly as if it is that case. So it's really important that you change your words. And I learned that when I was helping a hospital who had people who couldn't go in the scanning machine. And they'd all say things like, well, I feel like I'm in a coffin, you know, when I get in that scanner and I can't move. I'm so trapped. I'm like, Look, come on. You lie in bed for eight hours every night and don't move. Why don't you just say I'm in my bed. I'm super chilled and I feel so relaxed. What will happen is your mind will react to your thinking. And so I had many people do that and I was teaching nurses how to get people to do that, especially little kids of six going into the scanner. They said, When we sat there in their bed, they actually fall asleep in there. And we say, we're gonna play a game now, statues. How long can you keep still for? So when I actually, a few years ago, was in a scanner, which I didn't ever plan to be, and I thought, let me play a game while I lay in there. And I went, I'm in my bed. I'm so chilled. This is so great. I've got half an hour to just lie here. And then I decide to go, I'm in my coffin now. and they start to talk to me, Marisa, you're moving all the time. I had no idea because I was saying, I'm stuck, I'm trapped, I'm claustrophobic. My body was like, get out. And it starts to do things to make you want to leave. And so if you just understand how you are, everything changes. So our ancestral brain is like, flee, fight, freeze. I can fight, I can flee, I can freeze. So I'm in a scanner and it's like, well, I need to flee this, I need to fight it. And I'm like, no, if you can't fight and you can't flee, don't freeze, flow. I can't fight, I can't flee, but I can flow. I mean, Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in solitary confinement. We can't even do three weeks. But it's hell, it's a nightmare. I'm cooped up, my kids are driving me mad. I want to get a divorce, I can't stand it. But he did 27 years. You know how he did it? Because he said, Everyone in my country is in prison. I'm just in a different prison to them. If they can do it, I can do it. And I'm going to come out here, the leader of my country. And he did. So, you know, we have this belief that events affect us. They don't. The meaning you attach to an event affects you. the interpretation you choose about an event is what affects you. So I'm looking, I love it, it's great, you know, so much time, I'm having the best time, I'm having the best time, I hate it, I can't stand it, I'm climbing the walls, I'm going crazy, I'm ripping my hair out, none of which we're not actually ripping out our hair or climbing the walls or going insane. We shouldn't use that. But clearly it must be the interpretation because we're all reacting differently. So this won't affect you, but what you make of it will. And it's your job to change the interpretation. And if you can change the interpretation, it will change your entire life.

How do we change the interpretation to go from flee or fight or freeze to flow?

Well, you first of all think, what does this mean? What does this mean? You know, I've had a couple of clients who went to jail, and they were active, one of them was a very rich woman who went to jail for tax evasion. And she said actually she ended up really liking it. Being in jail. Well she was a typical rich one, she had a beautiful house, lots of staff, she didn't really go anywhere, everyone did everything for her. She didn't really have any friends, she had the ladies who lunch. And when she was there she trained to be an aerobic teacher, she trained to be a yoga teacher, nothing else to do. She really bonded with the other women and when she got out she went back every week to visit them because she said you know it was different in there. It was like girls boarding school. I didn't realize I was isolated at home and more connected in jail, which is an interesting way to think about it. And people who, often people who've been in jail or been trapped in their house when in lockdown. So Isaac Newton, I believe, in 1665, he developed the theory of gravity while London was locked down because of the plague. seal in their house and so he used that time. So I guess you have to think, well, you know, I can't change this but I can change what it means. One day I look back and go, well, actually there was a lot of good stuff. What can I do about it? I mean, we all go, I just haven't got enough time. Oh, I'd love more time. If I only had time to myself, well, here it is. What could you do or learn or achieve? I'm not saying it's easy because I'm also safe at home and I really miss going out and meeting people, but I'm also doing things I've wanted to do for years that I couldn't do because of time. So silly things like cook with your kids and make that a math lesson. How much does that weigh? How much vitamin C is in the skin of a potato? Do the laundry, you know, why do you think detergents are called biological? You can make it interesting. You just have to really decide, okay, what does this mean to me? And can I change the meaning? And when I can change the meaning, it will change my life. Because the meaning is yours to change. And the interpretation is yours to change. But the fastest way is to look at words. Am I saying apocalypse? Armageddon trapped stuck. Someone said to me, they've taken away my freedom. Who? The government. Government forces. have taken away my freedom, maybe. But how about they want me to live, they want me to be safe. The government has put this in place to keep me safe. So I'm safe at home or they've taken away my freedom.

Why looking at your words first, why is that so important?

Because the way you feel about everything is down to two things. The pictures you make in your head and the words. The way you feel about everything, every minute of every day is only down to two things. the pictures you make in your head and the words you say. But you could make that even simpler and say forget about the pictures because the words make the picture. You know, I'm not visual and I can't see stuff, but if I said to you, Louis, think of anything, but you may not think of an orange snowman, especially one whose snow is the same color as the carrot in his nose. You've got to think of an orange snowman. And so when you hear words, they make pictures. When you say, don't think about blushing, don't think about falling, you know, I paddleboard every day and I notice if you go, I'm wobbling here and I'm going to fall, I've never, ever, ever fallen off because I don't think about falling. I think about balance and how much I like it. But when you say a word, you make a picture. And even the words you use in front of words, make a picture, you can say, this is driving me crazy. I'm going insane. There's a picture. Or you can say, it's a challenge. It's interesting. It's an opportunity because they don't make a picture. So when you say, I've got this cracking headache. Oh, my God. It's killing me. I'm in agony. My head is killing me.

It's swelling. It's throbbing.

Yeah. Or you say, I've got a little niggle here. A little niggle. Not great, but so what? When you say, I'm starving, this is what people do. I'm in there, I'm starving. I could eat a horse. I'm dying of hunger. See what you're doing, which most people don't know, is that 500 years ago the thing that killed us more than anything else was not disease and it wasn't war, it was hunger. And we're wired to be scared of hunger. So when you say to your body, starving. I'm dying of hunger. I could eat a horse. Your mind goes, oh, that's that dangerous. It could kill you. You have an apposite here that regulates what you eat. But if you say you're starving, I'll put that on hold so you can eat. You stand in front of the fridge and eat so much stuff. And then when you've eaten, you still feel hungry because you just told me you were starving.

So you're saying that using the words, I'm starving, or. I'm okay, I don't need food. Whatever you say is going to manifest in the body.

And you just have to think, how could I change? Am I really starving? I don't think I've ever been starving. I've been hungry, but I've never been starving. Could I really eat a horse? No, not even a horse's leg. Of course you couldn't. Am I really dying of hunger? That takes at least 12 days, probably even longer. So then you think, why would I lie to myself and delude myself? How about saying the truth? I need to eat, I'm ready to eat. And you said what happens is maybe you're driving home or maybe you're on the train station and you say, I'm starving. Now your mind goes, there's a KitKat machine right there. You should eat three of those. And maybe some jelly beans and taco chips as well, 'cause you're starving and I'm your mind and my job is to keep you alive and you just said you're starving. Because your mind's job is to listen to your words and your job and it's a great job is to tell it better stuff. So then instead you go, you know, I am hungry, I need to eat, but I've got some chicken in my house, I've got some vegetables, I've got a casserole, I cooked it yesterday, I can wait an hour and eat better food. And we all have to say that, I am hungry, but I'm choosing to wait 30 minutes for better food. You know, it's the same thing in a restaurant. When I go to a restaurant, I'm not hungry, the minute I sit down, they bring that bed, bread rolls. I think, oh, oh, I need that. And I could have eaten all of those at one time until I learned to say, I'm choosing to wait half an hour to eat this really nice food I've ordered. Yeah. But you have to talk to yourself. You know, we're all taught, if you can talk to your customers, you'll have a great business. If you can talk to your kids, you'd be a great parent. But no one says, but you need to talk to yourself. That is the most important conversation you'll ever have, the one you have with yourself. This relationship is killing me. This kid is killing me. I'm dying under my workload. This freeway makes me want to die. It's not true. Why don't you say the truth? This challenge is a challenge. I've got all these audio books, isn't it? I've got some snacks in my car. I'm prepared for the challenge rather than it's killing me.

So what happens when we say this is killing me over and over again? What happens? How do we manifest that physically?

If you say that your mind, your mind's job to keep you alive on the planet. It doesn't actually care if you're happy. You know, people think my mind's job is to make me happy. No, it's not. It's to make you live long enough to reproduce yourself. And actually, that takes the first 30. So we've got another 70 left. So our mind's job is a little confusing to our mind. But, you know, we are ancestral people in very modern bodies. And when you say my job is killing me, it goes, Don't go to that place called Job. And if you keep going to that place called Job and keep saying it's killing you, I'll just give you a nice ulcer. I'll keep you at home now.

I'll make you sick.

I'll give you a disease. I'll give you a disease. And we see that people say, oh, I need a week in bed, and then they get flu. Now they've got their week in bed. I need to get out of that meeting, and now they get chronic diarrhea. So it happens all the time anyway. And because your mind is designed to keep you alive, and so if you say you hate someone, and we'll say, you know, this guy, oh, he ripped out my heart, stamped all over it and threw it in the trash. Really? I think he got bored with you, darling. And you know what? If he stuck around, you probably would have got bored with him. He was just your starter relationship. He taught you a lot. and you learn to love and everything he loved in you, but he didn't take it when he packed his wash bag and left. He didn't put in it all the things that made him like you. They're still in you. He couldn't take them home and everything he liked in you is still there and you can find a way better person that loves you more. But when you say to your mind, he ripped out my heart, stamped all over it, he killed me. The mind goes, you know what? Don't have another relationship. Stay single. I'll make you the biggest trust fund baby in the world. I'll make you the coldest, most cold-hearted guy. Because you keep saying, if I meet another person that leaves me, I'll die. If I meet another person that hurts me, I couldn't take the pain. You know those songs, I haven't got time for the pain. I can't live without you. When you say to your mind, It'll kill me if another guy dumps me, or girl, I'll die if I get rejected. If I have another miscarriage, it will just be the end of the world for me. You've told your mind, I couldn't cope with that event and your mind's job is okay. My job is to make sure you never have to experience that event ever, ever, ever again.

So I'm gonna make you a bitch. I'm gonna make you mean. I'm gonna make you obese. unattractive, all these things.

I worked with someone, it was so fascinating. This girl had hypersensitivity to light, so bad that she couldn't go out in normal daylight. And when I talked to her, she said, you know, when I was 11, I got really, really badly bullied. And I said to my mom, can I stay home? And she's like, no, I'm a single parent. Of course you can't stay home. I gotta go to work and I hate my job and you have to to go to school and deal with it. She said, But, Mum, I need to stay home. No. When she got high, polite sensitivity, what do you think happened?

She was able to stay home.

She had to stay home every day. Her mind believed that staying home was what she wanted and was really seductive. And we have to be so careful when we say, I want to be at home. I don't want to go out into the world and deal with that. too much for me. And recently I was teaching, because I teach RTT all over the world, and I was teaching my course, and I heard this story. I just trained a graduate, and I was so proud of it, because she said, you know, my first client was an anorexic girl. And when I talked to her using RTT, I said, what, because we always say the same thing. What was going on when you first began to have this? It's called what Lies Beneath. And she He said, well, I was 11 years old and over my dad studied. He was looking at porn and he was panting like a dog. And I remember standing at the door thinking, oh, I never want anyone to look at me the way he's looking at that girl. I would die if a man looked at me the way my dad is looking at that girl. Now that's actually a command to the mind. do anything and everything to make sure no man ever looks at me, this way, while he's looking at her. And that's when she became anorexic. When you're anorexic, the ovaries don't develop, you don't go into, you don't get breasts, you lose your hair. But what was even more interesting is a girl in the audience said, that's so bizarre because I'm bulimic. And my dad used to, he used to drop me off when they're divorced and you go, look at your mom, look at her in those tight clothes. Who does she think she is? She just looks like a tramp. And I thought, I never want my husband to ever talk about me like that. And I'm so fat.

Oh my gosh.

He would never talk about me like that. So, almost the same scenario. The same request to the mind, I couldn't cope if anyone spoke about me like that. And one became anorexic and one became obese. because the mind took the command, do anything and everything to make sure no one ever looks at me like that.

To protect yourself.

And it doesn't have a set thing, but what is interesting is we in RTT have something called role, function, purpose. So we say to people, if this headache had a role, what would it be? If your irritable bowel had a role, If these panic attacks had a purpose, and they come up with the most profound stuff, but it's only ever three things in 30 years. It's always the same three. The panic attacks protect me. You know, my dad wanted me to be a family lawyer like him, but when I got panic attacks, he said, you could never do that. No, you can't. How could you ever be in court with panic attacks? So they protected me from this expectation. I knew I could never meet. The second thing is they punish me. You think, why would my mind punish me? But when I talk to people, they go, yeah, you know, I had an affair with my friend's boyfriend. And it caused so many problems. And now I've got colitis. I've got autoimmune, which means the body is attacking itself. When I was 15, I stole money from my mom's purse. and then I never told her. But ever since I've had this chronic, irritable bowel, these terrible headaches. I blush all the time. You know, years ago we used to go to do penance. We used to wear hair shirts. But if you have guilt, your mind's job is to become judge, juror, jailer. Let me punish you. So punishing ourselves is huge. A lot of people do it. They don't even know why. And the third thing is get attention. You've all seen kids lying on the floor in the store screaming because they want attention.

That was me.

Getting sick because they want attention. You know, many, many children who can't get... If you can't get the love of your parents, the very next best thing is to be sick. It's almost as good.

They have to pay attention.

Oh, I didn't think my mom loved me, but she's driving all over town buying this gluten-free flour. getting this special cream doing something. And for many kids being sick is like, oh, I didn't think I mattered, but clearly I do. Now you've got all this special stuff in the house.

The more sick I get, the more attention I get.

Yeah, the more attention I get. And those children tend to become life's hypochondriacs. And my mother in England in the war, they evacuated children. They took all the children cities, put them on trains, sent them to the country. And people had to take you in. They had no choice. And some of them had a great time. Some of them had an awful time. But my mum didn't like it. And she stopped eating. She got covered in boils. She was really sick. She was the only one who was allowed to go home early. And she never, ever her whole life gave up being sick. I used to talk to her.

Really?

It met all her needs. She got so much attention. She's the only person I know. I go and see her in the hospital. She sits up in bed and she goes, oh, the doctor's very worried about me. You know, he thinks it's really serious. And she would speak with such a sparkle in her eyes and she was so happy. She loved being in hospital. And I'm in my little girl's angel one day, Grandma, what are all these pills for? And she goes, well, that's for my legs, that's for my headaches, That's my irritable well, that's my allergies, that's my foot. But grandma, how do they all know where to go? Which I thought was a great- that's funny. Yeah. And my little girl came back from my mother's when she went, Mummy, I've got my tension headache. I'm like, no, darling, you're five. We don't have tension headaches. That's a grandma thing. But one weekend with my mother and she go, oh, I've got a tension headache. Oh, this is all going to go wrong. Oh, that's giving me a stomach ache because children learn what they live. We're mimicking.

Yeah, we're mimicking.

And my mom was a lovely, lovely woman, but she was so invested in being ill. And you know, weekend in her company by osmosis, my little girl picked all of that up. And then she said to me one day, you know, Fade was very active. I think you need to put her on Ritalin. I'm like, she's a child, mom.

Your mom, wow.

Yeah. I said, I'm not gonna drug her. She's like a puppy. It's called being age appropriate. They run, they touch stuff. Why would I drug her? But, you know, my mother learned. And we did something in our TT, which I love, and it's called foreplay. Not about sex. We talk about that a lot, too. But in foreplay, you know, I created this, and I'm quite proud of it because it's so interesting. It says that if you don't feel loved by your parents, if you're not sure they love you and care about it, there's only four things that you can do.

If you're not loved.

If you don't feel, well.

If you don't feel loved.

If you don't feel that you're cared for. They might give you love. Yeah. But if you don't feel loved, if you don't feel significant, see children have needs and they're very simple needs. I need to feel loved. I need to feel significant. I need to feel protected and I need to feel I matter. I need to feel safe. That's really their needs.

Are these the four things?

Five. I need to feel loved, significant, protected, safe matter. Protected and safe are kind of the same, so it could be four. Pretty much that's a child's needs. And if these needs are not met for whatever reason, then they have no choice but to do one of four things. The first is to get sick. Being sick is so powerful for a child. Suddenly they do feel loved. They do feel significant. They do feel they matter. They might feel safe because a doctor and nurses are very kind to them. The second one is to be brilliant. Doesn't matter what. The kids who become outstanding athletes, grade A students, They get all the attention. Because they feel validated. My parents are really proud. They're saying, Look at my son. Look at his report card. Oh, you know, my daughter, the track star and suddenly they do feel significant, they do feel they matter.

And they lean more into that.

Yeah, but they can never give that up and they become adults who are always still having to be the best.

That was me.

The sick kids are the adult hypochondriacs. The third way, and I'm a therapist so I can say that was me, is the carer. They go, you know, life isn't fair. I'm not getting love and attention. I know. Why don't I give it? I'll be a nurse. And the statistics of nurses who come from that need to give what they haven't got is really high. That's why it's a calling as much as a profession. So the next role is the carer. I'll go out and I'll put other people before me. And I'll be a nurse, I'll be a doctor, I'll be a counsellor, I'll be a therapist. And they give so much, but they don't receive. And so the carer's needs are met by giving what they didn't give. get. So one of my clients was saying her mother was a very high powered executive, but she drank all the time secretly. And she had no time for this daughter except when she drunk too much and then she'd be the one that would hide the bottles, clean up the house, make her some soup, or maybe run to the store and get her more alcohol or go and find it where she hid it in the garage before dad came home. And she only felt needed when she was looking after an alcoholic mother. And she also became a high flying executive. And she only ever dated alcoholics because she was playing the only part she'd ever known. If I nurse an alcoholic, I feel useful. I feel wanted. It's the next best thing to being loved is to be wanted. And the fourth way, which is really interesting, is to be the rebellious, difficult one. And that usually happens in all the other roles have gone. My sister's sick, my dad's brilliant, my brother's perfect and caring. So I'm going to take my spoon and bang it on the table. And I'm still doing it 40 years later because I got to get the power off these people. So I'm going to be the difficult kid.

And if I can't be the best in the family and if I can't be the most brilliant, then I have to find some other role.

Yeah. Yeah.

I can't be the most giving and loving, I gotta be the rebellious one.

And if you look at dynasties like the Kennedy dynasty, the Guinness dynasty, if you look at maybe Michael Douglas's sons, one was just like him, one was a drug addict and died. Whenever you look at that, it used to be much easier when you had families of four kids or three kids, but you can actually see it. I see it all the time playing out. You can see it in the royal family, in our English you can see who's the good brilliant one, who's the ill one, who's the rebel, who's the caring one. And even if there's only two kids, sometimes mom and dad take that role. So I was in Costa Rica and this guy came up to me on the beach and said, you know, I've always wanted to meet you. He said, because he said, I'm a terrible addict. I've done everything. I've been, he said, I went into rehab, came out, got run over by a bus because I went straight from rehab to the pub. He said, my parents have sent me into rehab so many times. My wife said, I've got two children, but I can't stop being an addict. What's wrong? I said, I don't know. Tell me about your life. And he said, I've got an older brother. He's brilliant. And then me and then I've got twin brothers. I went, and that's it. Just like I said, that's it. Because when you're a little kid, and he was Iranian, too, which is really interesting. nothing wrong with that of course, but in that culture the older brother was the firstborn son. That role would never be taken away from him. Parents are both doctors, so the parents are brilliant and carers, they've got the role. Now we've got the firstborn son who's also brilliant, and now he's got this one. And that's okay because he's the baby, that's cool. But then they have twin boys after him. who totally smashed his role out of the bar. Because they're forever, and they were premature, so they were the sick ones.

They needed the attention.

So much attention, so much care, monitors in the car, checking if they throw up, feeding every hour all night long, being weighed. So the other, the mum, dad, and brother never lost their role, but he lost his role. He wasn't the baby brother anymore. and there's two more and they're sick. So his only role was to be the difficult rebellious one. And the minute I told him that, he never ever used again, just stopped. He was able to say, oh yeah, of course. I had no choice but to take on that role. And I said, you know, we play the only part we've ever known and then you make that part your own way. You go, you know what? I think it's time for a new part. I'm a father with an amazing wife and two children. I don't need to do this. But just looking at, oh, okay, what was my mum? What was my dad? What was my sister? What was my brother? Because they know my sister was so competitive. But suddenly I have great compassion because she was just trying to get noticed like I was. Okay. Or brilliant.

Wow. So we can start to have compassion for our family who play these roles? Can we shift these roles as children if we start to become aware or.

How do we- When you're very little, because as a little child you have what I call unmet needs. And when a child has unmet needs, something very interesting happens. They believe this need will never get met. They have what I call tagging. So when something happens to a child, they form a tag, it will always be like this. It will be like this for the rest of my life. and I can never change this. So you often see children when the parents are violent or abusive or desperately poor. And when the parents don't meet the child's needs and are violent or cold or just absent because they're working all the time, the kid never stops loving the parent. They stop loving themselves. They immediately go into this, my mum isn't here. She doesn't love me. My dad's not here. I'm not lovable enough. I don't have what other kids have. It will always be like that. And that's the biggest problem, the tagging, is that we go into our adult life with the same belief and we see many people who have everything, but they're still that child. Oh, you wouldn't love me if I didn't have this. I'm just faking all of this. It's not real. It's not me. because we play the only part we've ever known. And, you know, I was teaching recently at a hospital in London and all the doctors said, wow, every person coming on stage to work with you, they all have unmet needs. It's always the needs of a child were not met and now they've got Vitiligo or Impetigo or a chronic stutter or nervous twitch. Because the body's like, I'm going to get this need met. You want attention, you want to feel significant, you want to feel you matter. Well, being sick is a great thing. Or be brilliant, or be rebellious, or be good. But it's saying, okay, okay. I can see I did that. Like you straight away saw your part. Yeah. My brother was brilliant in my house. My sister was gorgeous and enchanting and clever. And I just felt like this freak in the middle. So I became the carer. I would always clean the house for my mom and be so good. And my dad was a carer. He was an amazing head teacher or principal. But then as you get older, you just think, right, let me look at this. My mom was that. Okay, but I don't have to do that anymore. I don't have to do that now.

So it's just making a conscious decision and being aware is the first step.

Another client I met and he said, you know, I had a heart attack, wakeboarding, and I've got a wife and kids, and my wife is just gonna leave me if I don't. He said, I love extreme sports. I hilly scared of everything. The more dangerous, the better. And his story was his brother was really sick. He was born. Then the baby brother was really sick, and they had to have a sterilized house. There was about, brother, don't bring your brother. And he said, I used to jump over bikes on my skateboard or go over bikes. And the only time I got attention was if I hurt myself. If I came in covered in blood, they'd go, oh my God, your brother germs, but they would patch me up and go, are you okay? And he said, nice to go out, this wild kid, like doing crazy things, but I didn't realize I only got attention by hurting myself. So the minute he saw that, that was a game changer. I'll never ever, I don't need to Helly ski. I'm all done with that. but you have to see it to fix it. You know, most of us don't really look at, oh, I don't want to look at that. You have to look at your life and go, okay, okay. What was going on when I began to do that? What was happening in my life? And sometimes you'll get it, sometimes you won't. Even if you don't, just think, but it's not me. You know, one of the most powerful things we do in RTT is get people to say, it's not me. I make people say, It's not me because that is not me anymore because it will never be me ever again for the rest of my life because it cannot be me. And you know, and I do huge order tours. I have the whole room say, that's not me ever again for the rest of my long gorgeous life because, but then I make them justify scream that out. how many? Well, I'm not seven. I don't live with a dad who says, eat everything on your plate and you're not getting down until you've finished even that congealed bit of fish. I don't live in that world. I have the ability to say, I'm not eating that. And I was talking to a client one day about that, and she said, you know, I eat everything on my plate. And I said, so we went back to the father who was, you know, the typical. It came out at every meal until it was finished. She couldn't get any other food till she ate this congealed, disgusting fish, including the skin. And I said, well, imagine if you went to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant and he said, you,'re not leaving till you eat that fish. He goes, well, I'd stay and eat it. I'm like, no, you wouldn't, I would. I'd be so scared of Gordon. If he said eat it, I'd have to eat it. I'm like, you play a tape in your head. you can go, I don't want it. I'm not hungry. It's lovely, thank you, but I'm full. Adults can say no. But children can't say no. They have no power to say no.

How do we not mess up our kids then? If we've got two, three, four kids, you're busy, you're running around, your marriage is not the best you want it to be.

Impossible.

You're going to mess with your kids.

You probably, I mean, you know, how can you not?

How do you best But you do.

Have a damage limitation. The damage limitation is like, you know, I was a single parent. I loved being a parent. I was thought I could never ever have children. My whole RTT training was based on being told I couldn't have a baby, deciding I would have one, being told that I would lose that baby, then being told the baby would have everything wrong with it. When I had a perfect normal baby, I thought there's something here. And then I began to work with other people who couldn't conceive or couldn't carry baby to full term. And it was always the way they spoke in their head. So that was the first thing. Did you use to speak in your.

Head a certain way?

Well, who would come in and go.

I can't get pregnant. What's going on? I don't know. Let's go back. They go, well, when I was 14, I thought I was pregnant. What did you say? Oh my God, I said, it's hell. My dad will kill me. My mom will kill herself. This is a nightmare. Having a baby is the the end of my life.

Which goes back to your thoughts.

Yeah. And here you are now 35. Your dad loves your husband. Your mom loves you. And they're waiting.

They're begging you.

They may be devout Muslims and you were dating some crazy white guy and they would have been devastated. But now, and they go, yeah. And then just undoing that and unpicking it makes it work. And so. But with children, you know, I digress then, but. what I meant to say was I had a much wanted baby. She was my miracle baby. I loved her because I thought I'd never have one. But of course I did so many things wrong. I mean, I always think you shouldn't wish for what you can't have. If I could ever have one wish, I'd go back and do her whole childhood again, but better. But you can't get that wish. You can only fix it. But with her and with all children, it's about owning it. Mummy was very cranky. that was not about you, it was about mommy. Daddy lost it today, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have shouted like that because life isn't a fairy story, you know, you're gonna have moments where things aren't, your day doesn't go well. The most important thing with children is sitting down and going, darling, I'm really sorry, today I lost it, today I was mean, today I was unkind, today I was not present with you and I know that's all you want is me to be present, I wasn't present, present. And if you apologize, you do something magical, they don't think it's their fault. They understand it's you, so they don't have to sit and think, oh, Mommy's always angry. I guess she doesn't love me. Daddy's never here. I guess I'm not enough. Mommy's always fighting. If I was enough, she would be happy. She's not happy. It's my fault. And then here comes the tag again. It will always be like this. I can't change this.

So let me fall into one of these four roles to get the attention I need.

So the minute you go back and say, I messed up today. I'm really sorry. They go, okay, because they understand life isn't perfect. But it's when you don't do that, that you force them to take one of the roles, to believe their life will always be like that, to go through life going, Nobody can meet my needs. Who's gonna love me? My dad left when I was two. Who's gonna want me? My mum said I was a mistake. Who's gonna want me? I was the fourth child. I was supposed to be a boy. I was supposed to be a girl. I was a boy. And they always joke about, well we only had you, you know, because we wanted a son. But we got you and it's great. We love you, but you were supposed to be a boy. Even when you say these things as a joke, the child, I mean that's what Diana did. She knew her mother had three, two girls and then her I had to keep going until they had a boy. And she said, I was supposed to be a boy. She knew. So owning it.

So don't joke about certain things because even if it seems like a silly joke to you, when you're a seven or ten or twelve and you hear you weren't supposed to be a boy, you weren't supposed to be a girl, or we once, you were an accident. We didn't want to have more kids, but then you came out and then we T or tubes.

Oh, you were a nightmare. You nearly killed me. You know, I worked with somebody who had narcolepsy, which is really interesting. And her medication cost $18,000 a month. And she didn't have a job. And she was terrified that her Medicare would end and she couldn't get these meds. What was so interesting is she said, you know, when I was little, my mom used to tell me this story. Your brother was the devil child. He was up all night. It nearly killed me. It nearly killed He was the devil.

But he was a good devil.

Oh my gosh. You were the angel from heaven. You were such a good sleeper. You slept all the time. And she'd say to people, She's such a good sleeper. She's always asleep. She's an angel. Her brother's the devil. He nearly killed me. Now, a baby doesn't have logic. You don't have a logic till you're five. Only feeling. And the baby's feeling is, My brother is a devil who nearly killed her, but I'm an angel because I sleep. all the time. I'm a good sleeper. She learned what she lived. She had narcolepsy because the mother told her without meaning to, you,'re a good sleeper. Wow. He's a devil. And often parents do this. They go, this is a pretty one. And this is the clever one.

Right.

This is my problem child. Oh, this one is going to be the death of me. And they say it in a joke way, loving their child. Oh, this one. he's gonna kill me. This one, I'm gonna have nightmares.

What can we be saying instead, as opposed to these subliminal joking, whether it's.

From love, but... First of all, you have to understand that every word you say to yourself is an imprint that your mind and body must act on. Whatever you say is an imprint, and your mind's job is to go ahead and make that imprint real. And for a child, whatever you say is also an imprint. I love you because you're beautiful is an imprint which Reed says, and if I wasn't you wouldn't. I love you because you're smart. You're a grade A student. I love you. It's like, oh, if I wasn't you wouldn't. And so you have to say to your kids, I love you because you're you. I love you. I'll always love you. I don't love your behavior, by the way. I don't love the fact that you just hit your brother or got and black currant juice all over the carpet. That's not good. I'm really unhappy about that. I don't, I love you but I don't love your behavior. And if you can bring your children up to separate your love for them from how they behave, they feel safe. And feeling safe is again is a need. I'm safe. There's nothing my mommy would ever do that would stop her loving me. And we know that People who try and abduct children will often say, you know, Mommy doesn't want you. You did something really bad. What did you do? And there was a very famous case in America. You probably know it. Of this guy who drove up to a school, stopped the car, and your mom's really ill in the hospital. She sent me to get you. She's really, really ill. Good kid got in, drove away, and he said, They don't want you anymore. You did something really bad. What did you do? And he said, I wrote on the garage wall and that's right, you wrote on the garage wall and that's why they don't want you. And you know he never called home, he had his phone number. There was a movie of this, Elvis Costello played the horrible guy, but this kid never called home and he was dealt with it for years until the guy came back to the trailer with another kid, he'd taken a little girl and he was so freaked out of what was gonna happen to her that he And then, like, took this little girl, went to the police station. They tried to arrest him. He was a teenager by then. Wow. I think he lived with this guy from 8 to 16. He went to school every day.

No way.

It's a true story. And he never called his parents. And then when he told the police who he was and found that the parents had never changed their number, I think he did try to call once, but he didn't understand about the dialing code. But you see, Pedophiles will tell you, I sit in a park and I know which kid to go after. It's the one who looks a bit sad, a bit lost, a bit like they don't go after the one who's really confident and loud. They don't go after the rebellious one because they never shut up. And one of my clients was telling me that her uncle, she was one of four girls, and he used to come to the house for Friday night dinner and go upstairs and he molested three of them, but not the fourth. And the fourth was the rebel. She would have screamed the house down. But he systematically abused three of his nieces. And much later they told the father, he said, what do you want me to do? He's my brother.

Oh, my gosh.

But they actually took him to court. He had him arrested. He went to jail. And they all said, why didn't you tell? And you see what pedophiles say to children? is, I know I see enough of them, if you tell anyone you'll go to jail.

Wow.

It's your fault, you see, you've made me do this. If you tell anyone, we'll all be in so much, or mommy will go to jail, daddy will go to jail, you'll go to jail, I'll go to jail. And a child doesn't have that logic. And so if you have a child who you brought up going, I love you, and there's nothing you could tell me, there's not me loving you, tell me you're gay, I'll be at the wedding. Tell me you've stolen something, we'll talk about that. We'll go back and give the money back. But there's nothing you could do that would ever make me not love you. That's a beautiful line. The clients can come up and say, Mum, this neighbor touched me and they go, well, that's not acceptable. One of my clients, she told her mother, her mother slapped her face and went, Don't say that in this house.

No way.

Some people do crazy things, maybe in shock, but a lot of people You know, one of my earliest clients told me this really sad story. She was the only Jewish girl in her area, and her father told her that all Jewish fathers have sex with their daughters. And so later she asked her friend, she went, that's not true. She goes, well, I thought it must be because he told me that's what good Jewish girls do. And I mean, of course, Jewish fathers don't do that. Jewish fathers are all wonderful fathers. If your kid doesn't feel safe to come and tell you anything, you know, I've had, as my daughter was a teenager, the amount of kids in my house coming in going, oh, I think I'm pregnant, I'm taking drugs, I'm sleeping with this boy just to make him like me. Because they knew that I would never judge them. I could tell me everything. I said, Tell me everything. You're not going to react in an angry way. Sometimes I really wanted to. I really wanted to, but I remembered I said to her when she was little, you will never I never ever get in trouble for telling the truth. She goes, Mummy, I just got green nail varnish all over your carpet. And I'm like, okay. She said, I feel so relieved, Mummy. Because I know if I tell you the truth, you won't be. I said, well, I am cross, but you told me the truth. So I'm just gonna have to suck up the green polish. I mean, she didn't have a perfect childhood. She got grounded, she got punishment, she got consequences. But I always wanted to know. I would never punish you for telling the truth. Ever, ever, ever. And one day, a school counselor said, well, she's gone missing with another girl. They just didn't turn up in the afternoon. And so I said, well, why? She goes, well, Mommy, my friend had to get the morning after pill, and her parents would be so angry. So I went to the clinic with her and said it was for me, because I knew that you wouldn't be angry. So we bunked off school. school went along and I said that I needed it because I knew if they called you, you wouldn't punish me. But if they called her parents, her dad would have probably beaten her. Wow. So it's very important. It's not easy, but you have to. And, and when they tell you the truth, they will tell you stuff that make your eyes come out and stop. I mean, if you watch that movie, that series, if you watch sex education.

Parts of it, yes, so.

People say that really goes on? Yeah, it really goes on. But you've got to let them tell you the truth and then not judge them. You know, my daughter coming home and it goes, Mom, you know, my friend's brother was stealing all this stuff in a store and seeing loads of baseball hats. And I felt so bad. I said, well, that's your feelings telling you it's wrong. You know, your feelings are the most real thing you have. And if you feel if you feel bad when someone is short. If you feel bad when some guy says, if you love me, you'll have sex with me. If you are 14 and you've got a 20 year old boyfriend going, it's gonna be great and it's all right and you have terrible feelings, your body's going, you're not ready. And you have to say to him, I'm not ready. And if he leaves, he would have left you anyway. So tell your kids the truth. Own up to your faults. I lost it. I was cranky. I was irritable. Tell them whatever you do, you know, if you're in jail, I'll be visiting you every year. I say to my daughter, if you ever went to jail, I'd be visiting you every week, because there's nothing you could do that would ever make me not love you. Nothing. You suggest anything, I'd still love you. I'd be upset at what you did, but I would still love you. And that gives them the freedom to be honest with you.

Yeah, make mistakes with me.

Freedom to know that you're not going to Throw them out of the house because they're pregnant, kick them out because they did something bad. One of my trainers is this amazing Chinese guy. And he was telling me under our training, he said, My dad made me leave the house when I was 11. I didn't go with my mother. He said, When did you go back? He went, no, I never went back. Oh my goodness.

They wouldn't have me back.

I said, what do you mean? He said, well, they kicked me out. I said, Where do you live? He said, I lived with actually a bunch of hookers. They were very kind to me. to me and pimps. And he said, and I drank a lot to survive. And he said, what was so interesting is people often say, you're killing yourself with drink. He said, I had to be numb to get through that. But then he said something, he said, they were Chinese, you see. That's what Chinese will do. I said, no, that's not, that's like the Jewish thing. Chinese will don't kick their children out of the house because they don't get on with them and let them never come back. But he had justified it. and made it okay. It's not okay. It's never okay.

What's the difference between feelings and thoughts?

Well, you could change your thoughts. So, it's a good question. So a feeling is something you feel. It's come from the body. Suddenly, I've seen a snake and I've seen a rat and I feel repulsed. I remember seeing a rat in my house and I felt a rat. Horrible. I mean, I could I could pick up a hamster, I could pick up a little gerbil. You know, I could hold a butterfly or I could hold a ladybug because the picture is this is cute. But I wouldn't hold a cockroach or a dung eating beetle. I wouldn't hold a moth. And so when you get a feeling, you've got a picture and you feel scared. And the feeling is so instant that we think the feeling comes immediately. So a feeling, you have to talk yourself out of a feeling. Thoughts are also pretty instant, but you can change them very quickly. I'm going on a date, I feel terrified. No, actually I don't. I feel excited. I got a choice. I feel terrified, I feel excited. You know, one of my clients was a very famous rock star and he had to pay someone to push him on stage. So he'd get all ready, Super excited. He's at LA Bowl or the O2. He's got the guitar, just about to go and he thinks, oh my God, I can't do this. Because he's got the feeling of absolute fear. And so up comes a guy whose job it is to push him on stage and he begins to do that and then he feels great. But that feeling would have overwhelmed him if he hadn't decided, I'm just going to feel the feeling and carry on. So, you know, feelings, we think we're a victim of our feelings. We're not. You can choose to interpret a feeling and thoughts. You have to make sense of them. But here's an interesting rule. Your thoughts control your feelings. Your feelings control your actions. And your actions control your results. Or you could say your thoughts dictate your feelings. Your feelings dictate your actions and your actions dictate your events. So that actually says a thought comes first even before the feeling.

Really?

A thought comes first and then comes the feeling and then comes the action. So all the laws go back to change your thoughts. We try so I'm going to change this. I feel so sad. I'm going to change that. I feel so lonely. I feel so unhappy. But actually if you change your thinking it will take care of the feeling.

You won't feel that way.

No. It's like if you go and watch a roller coaster and people are screaming, are they screaming because they're terrified or happy? Who knows? But you get to choose what you think about that. It's a bit like, you know, I think I told you this story before about one of my clients who had breast cancer and she said, well, I feel so lucky because I don't need a breast. I need a leg and an arm and an eye, but I don't need that. And sometimes with the strangest things that happen, if you can look back and go, oh, well, how I thought about that event affected me way more than the event. It's always how you think about it. Yeah. So we're taught that we're We can't change our feelings. Our feelings come upon us and there's nothing we can do. But we're taught that our thoughts, well, we maybe we can run those, but it's not true. You can change your feelings and your thoughts. And if you change your thoughts, you change your feelings. If you change your feelings, it doesn't change your thoughts. So a lot of people go, you know, I'm really nervous. I'm gonna jump up and down and Take some deep breaths and breathe into a brown paper bag, because I heard that was good and I'm doing all of that. So I'm controlling the feelings, but the thoughts come back. So let's say you said, I'm terrified of birds or dogs. And if I saw one out of a heart attack, a little bird landing on my table, oh no, I don't even go to outside restaurants because a little bird that would kill me, or dogs, I don't like dogs. See, these are thoughts. Now if you try to say to someone, Look, but it's such a cute little dog, it's such a sweet little bird, it can't hurt you. Because the feelings are going on, you believe that's not true. But when you change the thoughts, the feeling does go away completely. Which is why, again, people can have a little pet gerbil and be terrified of a mouse. It's why you could eat lamb but not horse. I mean, I would never eat foal. I wouldn't eat donkey. I wouldn't eat pony. I wouldn't eat baby elephant. But I eat lamb. I don't eat lamb very often, but I'm not a vegan. I was for a long time and a vegetarian. It's the thinking. So a vegan would go, I could never eat anything with a face. But the thought is there, and then they would feel sick if they're anything with a face. So if I had a big lump of meat. in my hand now. What do you think about that? Well, if you're a vegan, you think that's disgusting. That was a living sentient creature. If you're a Hindu, you think that's so offensive. That's a sacred animal. If you're a bodybuilder, you'd go, Great. Protein. If you're starving, think protein. If I had a syringe in my hand right now, what is that? Well, if you're having a tattoo, it's very exciting. It's the way to get inked all over your arm. If you're in immense pain, that's fantastic. It's going to take the pain away. If you're a drug addict, that's like, oh, yes, I'm going to get off my face now. And if you're scared of needles, it's like, oh, I faint at the sight of needles. I can't even look at it. No, no, I've got raging toothache. I'm not going to the dentist ever because I don't like needles. so it's not the needle, is it? It's not the lump of meat. It's what you think about it dictates what you feel about it. So you don't have a feeling about the meat or the needle. You have a thought and a thought dictates the feeling.

Is this why hypnotherapy is so powerful? Because if people can't change their thoughts themselves, then you can get them into a relaxed state to allow them to think differently. and say, oh, it's not that bad.

It's really powerful. I mean, proper hypnotherapy, the kind I do, and you know, all therapy is good, but proper hypnotherapy excites the imagination. It doesn't say, every day in every way you're getting better. It says, you are elated and excited and thrilled and turned on by going to the gym, and you love working. Then you come home and you choose to eat the right food and then you work on your business plan and you're so excited and the right ideas take root and develop and you formulate something amazing and you monetize a gift and you're just so successful. Because the mind loves exciting words. The words must be in the present tense. They must make a picture and they must be powerful and dramatic and even better have powerful words. in front of the words. So I give my clients the words they've always wanted to hear. That's all I do really is the first time I'm like a detective and I'm gathering information that come in or maybe I'm online or maybe I'm teaching other people and the first thing you do is you're an investigator. A detective lays out pictures and goes oh look at that. If I look at those I understand what went wrong. So I'm a detective and I'm understanding what went wrong. And then straight away after that, all good hypnotherapists do this, particularly RTT, our Rapid Transformational Therapists, investigate. They find an imprint. There's always an imprint, a scared child, an authority figure, and something that goes on. But then the next bit, which most therapists don't do, is you interpret that with your client. If you go, look, you do this because of that, they go, well, really? I went home and told my mum, that's rubbish. Of course you don't. I went home and told my husband, I don't think that's true. And now I'm doubting it. And I used to do that. Go, okay, you do this because of that. Most of them said, yes. But when I got my clients to do it with me, let's work, why do you think you didn't go, well, now you've mentioned it, of course, when I these four, these twin brothers came along and now I can see that I felt replaced, usurped, no longer I lost my status. I didn't know who I was.

So it's allowing the patient to investigate as well.

Yeah. And then so they investigate, find the imprint, interpret, but then you interrupt it, you completely smash that idea out of the park. Yes, I know. when you were two, when you were born, you weighed three pounds, you nearly died, your parents fed you with a dropper. If you broke through your mouth, cried hysterically and was on the phone to the doctor and your dad would go, we've got to get this baby to eat, otherwise he's going to be back into the preemie ward. But now you're 42, you weigh 300 pounds, you're not going to die anymore. So you interrupt it and you have has to be funny and relevant and also quite tough. It's not a good enough reason to keep doing that. Going to all you can eat buffets is not a challenge. If you're not supposed to eat as much as you possibly can because it's free, because there's no such thing as free. Take whatever you want and then pay for it. And when you eat all that food, they're losing it. But you're paying for it.

There's a price that you're paying for.

Yeah. So after you've done the investigate, imprint, interpret, interrupt, then you do what I call the installing. So you go from being a detective to like a doctor who's extracting all the toxic stuff. Then you become a coder and you code in and you wire in and you're firing. And the mind learns by repetition. The mind learns by repetition and it only responds to words that we can picture. If you go I'm not bad, me. I have good days and bad days. I'm all right. No, you have to go. I am the greatest. Muhammad Ali said, I told myself I was the greatest. I didn't even know I was, but I said it, then I became it. He could have gone, I'm not bad, me. Good days, bad days. I didn't. Sometimes I'm all right, sometimes I'm good.

I will win. I am the best.

No one can beat me. He said no, no one can beat me, which actually wasn't true. He was beaten, but he carried on saying it. And now we seem to think of him as the unbeaten Muhammad Ali, the person who never got it wrong. So when you meet people who say, I'm the best, I'm the greatest, I'm amazing, we forget that some of those actors did movies that were Dreadful. We forget that they did.

They lost a fight.

Yeah.

Conor McGregor has lost. few fighters.

We just remember how good they were because they told us we were good. So the most important part of hypnotherapy are the two things. One is you must find the reason and remove it. And the second is you must put in really powerful, powerful, powerful words. And a lot of therapists do it repeatedly. Yeah, that's it. about a 12 to 15 minute long audio, but it's got to be really exciting. I listen to it every day. 21 days, if not every day, you can listen to it for three weeks and then it's gone in, it's wired in, it's fired in. You can then maybe a month later you've got some important interview play again. But a lot of people don't understand, they either go to therapy and they understand why, but they still do it because they don't do the new installation or they do the installation without finding out why. So they file these recordings. And I know they work because somebody said, oh, I bought your recording for exam nerves. And my kid who was lying on the floor hysterical just said, oh, I'm gonna ace that exam. And she went in there and she did. So it does work. But when you do both, it works forever. And, you know, therapy is such a strange thing, and I'm not anti anything. therapist, but there's no other professional where they go, bring me your pain and we'll talk about it. Nobody goes, hey dentist, I've got this terrible infection. Why don't you come in and we'll have a conversation about it every Wednesday at 3 o'clock. They go, I've got to get that infection out. No one says to their doctor, I think I've broken my arm. We can discuss that every week. How's the pain today? I don't know, I'm being facetious, but it's such a strange model. Let's discuss your pain every week until you get used to it, get to understand it, get familiar with it or get past it. I'm like, why don't you just get past it straight away? Because if someone came to me and said, I have a chronic, chronic headache, so I wouldn't ever say, let's go, let me get rid of the headache today. Right now, we use hypnosis and we can certainly turn the pain right down and then we can find out why you have it. But I would never say, well, let's discuss it. And so hypnotherapy is more powerful, I think, than any other therapy because it both removes the pain and removes the cause of the pain.

Yeah.

It takes away the pain and it takes away the cause. They'll say, but surely if you stop someone smoking, they bite their nails. You stop someone drinking, don't they go gambling?

Do something else? Yeah.

No. If you do it properly, they never, ever do that. Because you take away the source of the pain and the pain. It's like you saying, I've got weeds in my lawn, I mowed them. But two years later they came back. That's so weird. It's not really weird, because you left the roots intact.

What's the main cause of most people smoking that keeps them addicted for so long? Is there a common theme?

Well, it's like everything, whether you're smoking, drinking, gambling, it's your belief. Like a lot of smokers, I can't go to the bathroom if I don't smoke. What do they think non-smokers do? They go to the bathroom. They're going to say, no, I can't relax if I don't smoke. I can't focus if I don't. I can't digest a meal if I don't smoke. I mean, I've heard every single reason why people Mussel smoke because, I mean, I worked with the famous writer and she said, I can't write without cigarettes. I'm like, is that where your talent lies? In a packet of Marlboro Lights? I didn't know that. I thought you were gifted. You just said, no, it's the Marlboro Lights. And she went, it's not the Marlboro Lights. I went, well then, stop telling yourself that it is. But it's the lies we tell ourselves. So smokers will say, I don't know what to do with my hands. Why don't you look at a non-smoker? do what they do. Drinkers will say, I can't relax without a drink. I can't focus. I can't enjoy myself. Eaters will say, Life, how could you live your life without chocolate? How could you enjoy your coffee without sugar? We lie to ourselves so much. And, you know, I do the opposite. Why don't you tell yourself a better lie? Why did you go? I love my life without sugar. It's thrilling. It's not true. I know. But if you say it every day, you know what happens? It becomes true. No one was more of a chocoholic than me. No one ate more sugar than me. Yeah. Until I decided to stop poisoning my body and realize that it's a horrible thing. It doesn't mean it doesn't taste lovely.

It's almost like we're all hypnotizing ourselves.

Every day throughout our whole life. That's true.

We are hypnotized every day.

Based on what we're saying to ourselves. And also the media who by the way, if you put on a computer or drive to work, you are invited to eat rubbish food about 500 times a day. You put on an advert, there's no adverts for broccoli or yummy pears. They're adverts for fast food. I mean, I went to the Olympics in London, I took my godson.

I was there, I love it.

And there were three sponsors, Cadbury's, McDonald's, and Coca-Cola. And you can remember they were giving out, they had the purple trays, they were giving out Cadbury's. And I'm like, this is, isn't that weird that chocolate is sponsoring the Olympics? But they have the money because they made us believe that you can't have Valentine's Day without chocolate. You can't have Christmas without chocolate. How can you have Easter without Easter eggs? So we've got all of this stuff wired into our brains. my brain. It makes me happy. It makes me feel good. But, you know, you can unwire that. It's actually really, really easy.

I was in college, my senior year of college, I was. I wanted to be an All-American decathlete and I had six months where I made the decision. Okay, my dream was to be an All-American my whole life. I didn't get it in football originally. I did after this, but I had one. season left, which is what I thought. And I had the track season. And I was a decent sprinter and I could high jump and I could do a few events, but I was not good at any one event in order to make my goal of being an All-American. But the decathlon, which is 10 events, I was like, huh, maybe if I put all these together, maybe I could. But I never done the pole vault and I never done hurdles and a few other events. And for me, the pole vault was the scariest because I didn't like upside down. I didn't like be on a little pole 15 feet in the air. I didn't want to bend something and snap and break my neck. All these fears. And I literally did what you said, which was I made it a voice audio recording back then when I was 21. It was about eight to ten minutes long. Just essentially hyping myself. I love going upside down. I love bending a pole where it almost snaps and slingshots me to achieve my goal. I just talked about this over and over. And then every night I would listen to this. I would listen to it before I did the Pole Vault, and I would watch highlight videos every night before I go to sleep of the best pole vaulters in the world. And I was horrible at the time, but I took the actions on the thoughts which made the events a possibility. And I didn't even know what I was doing, but I was just like, I need to trick my mind until I became confident. I'm curious, you talked about telling ourselves better lies. How do we become more self-confident or overcome doubt if we've never been confident and then just lie that we are?

Yeah, well, it's what I call lie, cheat and steal. Lie to your mind, cheat fear, steal back the phenomenal confidence you were born with. So a baby doesn't really have a fear of being upside down or a pole. and the baby would put a cockroach in their mouth if you let them, shove their hands in an electric socket if you allow them to touch a really hot oven because they are fearless. They're kamikaze pilots. So I think you should lie to your mind all the time. You know, when I go on stage to this day, I still get this tingling in my fingers and tingling in my toes. And I know it's adrenaline. And I could go, oh, my God, I'm so nervous. Look, my hands. shaking now and I'm really nervous. I could go, I'm so excited. I love it, love it, love it, love it, love it. And many years ago I had an experience, probably the first time I really listened to the power of lying to yourself. And I was in bed, it was late at night, and the BBC called me and said, can you come on the radio in the morning? We want to talk about the work you've done with this football club and how they've gone from nowhere to being in the Premier League and I'm like, sure. And they said, well, we'll pick you up at 6 a.m. It's very early and then we take you to the studio and just do the radio show. So 6 a.m. About 10 to 6, I got out of bed, clean my teeth. I think I half comb my hair, got in the car, went off, sat down, and then all of a sudden they said, actually, we're. No, we're going to put you straight on the news. So they started to run me across the car park and I'm like, where's Herren Maker? They're like, no, we haven't got time for that. You're going on on the news. This is such a great story. Forget about the radio. We want you on the news.

So I sat down. Radio.

TV. Yeah. TV. And I'm trying to comb my hair, put on a bit of lipstick. I mean, I've just woken up. And the gurney is there, and I know it's coming towards me like this. And I knew I had a choice. I could go, oh, my God, why didn't you put on a nice jacket? Why didn't you comb your hair? Why didn't you put on makeup? Why didn't you. And I remember saying, I have a choice now. 30 seconds to either go kind of idiot you or to go I love it. So I'm going to go I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it. I love being live on the BBC News. I love it so much. I love it and hear it. I love it, love it, love it, love it, love it, love it right in my face. And then I just did the interview and it was great. But if I'd kept saying oh my God I haven't even comb my hair looks so awful. And actually one person said hey I saw you, you didn't comb your hair. I said I know it was six I am, but no one like this adult was so cool what you did with that football team. That was extraordinary. No one else said- One person didn't explode. Yeah, that was a girl, of course. And I noticed, but you know- yeah. But it's a lying to yourself. I can do it. You know, I'm sure you know this very famous story about someone asking a major rock star what it's like. You went, It's amazing. Going on stage is better than an orgasm. You said just before you go on, your fingers tingle and your heart beats and this adrenaline, this is just so awesome and everything is going on. You're shaking, trembling, sweating, heartbeats pounding a million miles a minute and then you go on stage and there they are and they love you and it's like it's better than sex. Now, cue someone, they said, why did you stop performing? They said, well, the most terrible thing happened to me. Now, every time I was about to go on stage, my fingers would tingle and my heart beat so fast. And then I'd get all this adrenaline and I started sweating and I realized I was having a massive panic attack. And it happened every time. So I retired from performing. So you see, they both lied to themselves. She said it was a panic attack. He said it was better than sex. but it's better to say this is exciting, this is thrilling, this is amazing. Even when it isn't, when someone's putting a needle in your arm and you go, oh, is that gonna hurt? I love that. I'm so great and I'm just reading my phone here, oh look at that, that's fantastic. I'm oblivious to what's going on in my arm and by the way, needles are so fine now that I wouldn't even notice it. So it is a lie but It's a good lie. And we all lie. When you say, I'm just rubbish, I'm just useless. I don't even know why I'm here. Who's ever gonna want me? Well, isn't that a lie?

That's a lie.

Why would you say that? You know, some of the most happily married women in the world have got scars, flaws, and yet they have people that worship them. And some of the most beautiful women in the world go, yeah, but, you know, I've got big feet or, I've got this downy hair on my legs. I don't know what to see. Yeah, this mole. Or when I do that, I've got this fat. And they lie to themselves. I am not enough is the biggest lie in the world. That's why I found with the I am enough movement, because it's a lie. No baby says, I'm not enough because I haven't got a dad or I haven't got any teeth yet or I've got these milk spots. I've got no hair. And so we all, when we say, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not interested. That is a lie. Because my grandy used to say, every pan has a lid. And. And then when I got married to John, I said, I found my lid. And he found his lid. And I'm far from perfect. And so is he. But these people that wait, they're waiting to be prettier. thinner, richer, more interesting. They're missing out on so much love because that's a lie. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. You have to be you. And you'll never get to perfect. Perfect is a race and as you run towards it they move the finishing line again and again and again. And I've worked with many people who appear to be perfect and they are always the unhappiest of all my clients and always the loneliest too. Because that's a lie. There isn't a perfect person on the planet and many of my clients are supermodels so you know, it becomes, it's horrible, everyone expects me to be amazing. Eric Clapton's wife, Pattie, I mean they wrote, and George Harrison wrote for her, Something in the Way youy Move. Tracks me like no other lover and Eric wrote Wonderful Tonight and Layla. And I asked her once what that was like. She said it was horrible, horrible. People expected this goddess to walk in the room and I always felt I was going to disappoint them. Which is such a shame because she is actually a lovely, lovely person, Patty. But just because she was a supermodel on the COVID of Vogue and she said, I looked for every flaw. And you know what? I always found it because if you look for flaws. That's one of the rules of the mind. You find what you look for. If you look for what's wrong, of course you'll find it. If you look for what's right, you'll find that. If you look for why you're not enough, of course you'll find it. If you look for why you are enough just the way you are, you're enough because you're enough. Yeah. So everything's a lie. Tell yourself a better lie.

Lie, cheat, steal.

Well, aren't we all doing that now? I'm locked. I mean, locked. I'm in quarantine. Nobody's in quarantine. Quarantine is when you're in a tent in a hospital, nobody can go in.

That's quarantine.

Yeah, yeah, you're fine. We're not in quarantine. We're not cooped up, stuck, trapped. No one's taken away. Not a prisoner. No, we're not a prisoner. But you see, this is the lie. The lies we say, I've got to be a great A student. I'm not enough. I'm rubbish. and you might as well say, since we all lie to ourselves, the freeway is killing me. Isn't that a lie? My job makes me want to die. Well, that's a lie. If I get rejected one more time, I'll jump under a train. But that's a lie. I've eaten non-stop for 24 hours. Really? Did you pee? Yes. Did you eat while you were paying? No. Did you sleep? Yes. So did you. No. So you. You said you ate nonstop for 20 years. That's a lie. My legs are the size of a house. That's a lie. I've got a bum the size of, I've got, sorry, I've got a bum the size of a city. That's a lie. I should say butt, my butt is the size of a small city. So I can eat enough, it's not just an army eats. All of these things are lies. My kid wants to kill myself. My partner is making me go crazy. I'm insane with tiredness. I'm shattered. I'm exhausted. They're all lies. You're not. You need a bit of sleep. My kids are nightmen. No, they're age appropriate. So we all lie. So tell yourself a better lie and you'll have a whole better life.

Tell yourself a better lie, live a better life.

Exactly, why not?

When you came and spoke at the Summer of Greatness, you talked about the I Am Enough book and challenge and everything. And it's funny because Jeanette and I, my girlfriend, were walking the day afterwards in Columbus and checking out some shops. And there was a big sign that was an art sign that said I Am Enough. We bought it for her and she has it now. And it's a reminder to constantly tell yourself that lie, the good lie that you are enough.

And you know one of the wonderful things to do with I'm enough, you see, I mean you might notice I have these little bracelets, they all say I'm enough, I wear them. You should write it on your mirror, write it on your fridge, put it in fridge, use liner or lipstick or marker, write it on your mirror, put it on your fridge, put it on your screen saver, put it on your phone alert so it goes off twice a day. And very securely incorporate into all your passwords. Imagine if the first thing you do in the morning is clean your teeth and there it is, I'm enough. And then your phone pings at 8 a.m. I'm enough. And then you go to unlock your phone, you've got to type in, obviously dots, squiggles, right over here. I'm enough. When you write it, read it, speak it and see it every day, it goes in any way, it sinks in and it makes such a difference. And then it isn't a lie anymore, it becomes real because first of all we say things like, I'm enough and your mind goes, You're not really enough, are you? Because you buy your clothes in Target and you live in a shed and you're not really enough because you've got a very lowly job and your girlfriend left you. And I left you. Your kids won't speak to you. You're not really enough because you've got cellulite or not really enough because you're not tall. But then when you keep saying it, what happens is because you're the one objecting, by the way, you run out of objections. you know what? I'm not tall, neither is Kevin Hart, I'm still enough. I'm not a size two, neither is JLo, I'm still enough. I'm not whatever, but I'm still enough. You actually run out of objections. When you run out of objections, then it goes in and then it starts to nourish you. You know, I was saying to people, when you have dry skin and you put on lotion, you're nourishing yourself and your body doesn't go, is that lotion Fair trade, organic, because you got any parabens, it just goes, oh, this dryness is being nourished now by some lotion. But you have to nourish your soul with words. And they go in too. So nourish your soul with better words. And there's nothing better than I'm enough, because its strength is its simplicity. You were born knowing you're enough. And so what you're doing is reactivating and remanifesting and regenerating a truth that is your innate birthright. No one came and took it away. People say like, oh, your brother was in my class, he was saying, what happened to you? Or, your sister, she's so much kinder or neater than you. So we would do chip away at it, but it hasn't gone. It's just been buried and you can resurrect it.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Yeah, it's amazing.

People need to get your book and then they need to go to RTT when it comes back open. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna take Jeanette sometime. And a lot of people who've listened to the last episode said they went to your trainings and they buy your programs and they love it, transforming them. So anyone watching, listening right now, you gotta sign up for your next training when it comes available online, in person. Where can we get access to these things too?

So rttdotcom, you can go to RTT.com. Just RTT. It means Rapid Transformational Therapy. But RTT.com which has won so many awards since I last saw, I think we've won 18 awards. Best therapy, best product, best training. We even won the best pharmaceutical. It's not a pharmaceutical, there's a difference. You won it because of the impact you're having on depression. So that's cool. So RTT.com, you can either find a therapist, who does exactly what I do, gets the results. I go, oh, you can train to be one and we do both live and online training. It's amazing. And if you go to marissapeir.com, we give away tons of products. We have at the moment a product that boosts your immune system so that you're not gonna get sick. I love it. We have wealth wiring, love blocks, money blocks, they're all completely free. So Marissa, we don't ask for your credit card or anything like that. You just go there and take tons of stuff. But if you want to find a great therapist or indeed be one, RTT.com no background in therapy is required. Really? Just people skills, that's it. Then go to RTT.com Amazing. Yeah. Amazing.

You've got a great YouTube channel. All that stuff is up on your.

Website, MarissaPiercE.com, Instagram, social media. I'm so lucky. I'm so glad I was called like Marissa Pier and not Sue Smith, because you can always find me on YouTube and Instagram.

Yeah.

Because of my name, a bit like you, it's great when you've got an unusual name.

Unique names, I like it. Amazing. I asked you this question the last time, I'm going to see if it changes for you. And we'll go back and check. It's called the Three Truths. Okay. So imagine that it's your last day on earth, many years from now, and you've created every program, every free content, paid program, all this stuff. You've created it, but you've got to take it with you. On your last day. So no one has access to any of that. The hypnotherapy, the healing stuff, no one has access to your content. But you get to share three lessons to the world. This is all you could leave behind. These three lessons or three truths. What would you say would you be yours?

I'm enough would be the first truth. Always tell yourself you're enough. Don't let in destructive criticism. You get to choose. Not letting it in will change your life. What would be my third? Talk to yourself better. Talk to yourself as if you are your own best friend. We'd never say to our best friend, oh you're such a loser. Oh my God, why did you wear that? It doesn't suit you. How could you ever think you could write a book? That's terrible. You forgot the best ingredient. You haven't left you haven't enough time to get to the meeting, you idiot. Talk to yourself like you're your your own best friend, your own best lover, your own best parent. You know, so many of my clients come in and they have what I call the missing bit. They're still waiting for some absent father to go, I love you. Some withholding parent to go, you,'re amazing. Some mean teacher that had a bad week to say, you,'re smart. And how people are waiting to fill them up already dead. So whatever the words I've been waiting for, Say them. You're a great kid. How lucky am I to be your parent? You're the smartest kid in the school. You're my favorite. You're the best friend. If there was a template for best friend, best girlfriend, husband, lover, kid, you're the template. Tell yourself that because it becomes true.

Wow. Marissa, I acknowledge you for being an amazing gift and inspiration to so many of us. from all the experiences you've had in your life, from all the people who've been messed up in the world that you've coached over the years, you've just learned so much and you make it simple. You make it easy for us to understand something that seems so painful and challenging. So thank you for your time, your wisdom. Make sure you guys check out Marissa's stuff. It's mind-blowing, it's powerful.

Appreciate you very much. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

My friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode with the inspirational Marissa Peer, all about how to change your mind, your feelings, your thoughts to attract love, abundance and wealth in your life, how to be a better human being. If you enjoyed this, make sure to go to the School of Greatness podcast over on Apple, click the subscribe button right now and leave us a review. Share this with one friend that you think might change their life, might improve their life, might impact their life. you have the power to transform someone that you care about today by sending this link, lewishouse.com/949 or simply copying and pasting the link on the podcast app that you're listening to. Just take that link, text a friend and say, Hey, I was thinking about you. I think this might improve and help your life right now. Post it on social media, put it in a WhatsApp group, chat message, put it wherever you can. this message needs to be seen and heard far and wide. I'm so grateful that you took the time to be here. I'm so grateful that you took the time to improve yourself. This is not the school of average. This is the school of greatness. And that's what you're here to do. You're here to grow. You're here to learn. And people that constantly learn and evolve and grow, they attract more great things in their life. As Lao Lewis said, knowing others is intelligence. Knowing yourself is wisdom. Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power. And Viktor Frankl said, when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Make sure to check out the full show notes, lewishouse.com/949 to get the information on Marissa, what she's up to, her her books, her programs, all that good stuff is back there as well. I'm so grateful for you. You matter. I love you. And as always, you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.