Defy Social Norms, Overcome Failure, and Become Who You Were Always Meant to Be w/ Lisa Bilyeu EP 1265

Because let's face it, failure freaking stings, no matter how much, right? No matter how successful you are, failure still stings.

And so making sure- Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome back everyone to School of Greatness. I'm very excited about our guest, the larger than life Lisa Bilyew. Good to see you.

I'm so excited.

I'm very excited that you're here. You've got a new book called Radical Confidence. And I wanna start by asking you a question about your relationship because you and Tom are an amazing people, an amazing couple, and you have content out there about relationships. on your show. And I'm curious because you've been together for what, 20 years now?

We've been together for 22 years.

22 years. But when you first got together, neither of you had a big platform, you didn't have lots of money, there wasn't a big company, there wasn't a big exit, there was none of this. There was just you two, connected, living your lives in love. Chasing Dreams and I'm curious about this. Has the massive success for both of you or either one of you tested the relationship in a big way or has the money, the followers, the notoriety, the accomplishments done nothing to affect or test the relationship?

Oh, that's such a great question. So here's the thing, I think any evolution is a test. So whether it's on a grand scale of you're building a following, you're building a business or just, hey, you've got a different job. Everything like that becomes a how are we going to maneuver this situation because it's different to what we used to. So we've kind of done that all along the way from the point of like my dad saying no to Tom asking him if he could marry me. Okay, well what does that look like going against the family, going against my culture, marrying someone that's outside of the Greek Orthodox religion. So like every step of the way, of course it's absolutely been a challenge. Me starting my own show, I was always behind the scenes. I was like, So I went from the supportive wife staying at home for eight years, then I went to, I'll help you with this small startup company called Quest Nutrition. And he was like, I just help babe, I'm a good supportive wife. What we didn't expect is it would grow at 57,000%. So in that growth, I started off as, I'm just gonna help, to now I'm a full-time pledged, like building out our shipping department. That transition of me taking care of him day in, day out, I mean, literally Louis, he'd wake up, his gym clothes were next to him, he'd go to the gym, his work clothes were outside the bath so that when he got out the shower they were ready. He would go to work, I'd had to hand him a lunch, he'd come home, his dinner was ready. He didn't have to think about anything. And then a start quest or we start quest and now I'm full time at Quest and trying to be a great stay at home mom. That navigation, I'm sure you know many people, we all try and do everything. So first of all, I try to navigate how do I do it both perfectly?

Yeah, it's not possible. It's not possible to be one perfect really, yeah.

I know, you end up doing nothing perfectly. So that's ended up what happened. I ended up failing, feeling like I wasn't being a great housewife, being a great supportive wife, and I wasn't actually crushing it at work. So I had to make a choice. Do I stay at home or do I take entrepreneurship? And I decided I loved exploring what I was made of, what I could do. So it's like, I wanna work every day. So now back to your question, how the hell do I communicate with the love of my life that while I love him more than life itself, I don't wanna take care of him anymore? I don't want to cook for him anymore. I don't want to put his clothes out. Like it is not fulfilling. And that was one of, I think, our biggest tests that we had. And so it was how we handled that, how I came into the conversation, how we really sat down and just said, let's just communicate. This isn't about me doing something wrong, about you doing something wrong. This is just about emotions and feelings. And so how do I go in this conversation and let him know how I'm feeling? 'Cause I'm the one changing. I recognized I was the one that had gone from, hey, I'm gonna support you, to now, I don't really wanna take care of you at all.

Well, not in those ways anymore. Not really. You wanna take care of her in other ways, by connection, intimacy, and love and affection, but not- Yes, yes.

In the materialistic, your clothes are gonna.

Be put out, things like that.

Yes, yes. So we had to, like, it was.

A, you know, a learning. How long did that take until you felt like you were in a flow and a rhythm where he was fully in acceptance of that new role that you wanted to live into.

So here's the thing, Lewis, I think it always comes with we have to accept it first. And I was trying to do both.

Oh, interesting, yeah.

And until I could accept, Lisa, you have to make a choice. There's no right or wrong, but you have to make a choice right now because you're not doing anything great and you're feeling like that anxiousness where you're trying to do everything, it's just not serving you and not serving your goals. So the first step was how do I communicate this with Tom? So I kind of sat back and I said, what would I want him to say to me? So I'm changing the game. I'm now saying to him, Hey, you know when we got married? I said I wanted four children and I would take care of you. I now want zero children. And I don't want to take care of you when it comes to food and things like that. So I had to recognize I was changing the game.

Interesting.

And so what would I want someone to say to me if it was the other way around?

You were changing essentially the ground rules. Essentially he said, Committing and promising to this lifestyle that says, I want kids, I want to be supportive and take care of you in this certain way. And that's what he signed up for.

Yeah. Right?

And that's what you signed up for.

100%.

Not saying you can't do that, but how does someone have that conversation? Whether, you know, anyone in that relationship, you know, I said I wanted this before marriage, but now actually I want something completely opposite.

Yeah, I love this question so much. It's the first thing, give the gift that you would want. So for me, I would just want some, I would want Tom to come in and recognize that he's the one changing. 'Cause there's some psychological trick, you know when someone comes and is like, oh, I'm changing. You've got a problem now? What do you mean you've got a problem with that?

Like, there's that like, hang on a.

Minute, you're kind of pushing me into a corner. If he brought this to you and said, I want something different, you mean? Yeah, yeah, I got you. I would want him to say, hey babe, I recognize I'm the one changing. There's gonna be a change here. How do we do it together? Versus, I'm changing and now you have to deal with it. So I said, okay, first step is recognize I'm the one changing. Then go in and give him grace and space to have feelings about it. Like he may hate it, it may really upset him, but I can't control that. I need to give him the space to have that feeling. So I sat down and I said, okay, babe, I recognize I'm changing. But this is making me so happy. I didn't voice how unhappy I was. That's on me, that's not you.

Really?

I didn't voice how unhappy I was for eight years. But now I've recognized how unhappy I am because I've realized what I'm made of. You know, starting Quest and being a part of it and learning all these new skills. Like, it lights me up.

Yes.

And now I've seen the light. I can't go backwards.

Right. What would you say you were on a scale of one to ten? Let's call it the self-love scale. Before you made that decision and had that conversation with Tom, one being you didn't love yourself or have any confidence, 10 being you had a lot of self-love and a lot of confidence and inner peace. Where would you have been on that scale?

A one.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, my confidence was ridiculous. Even as I'm telling you this, it's not that I had the confidence to say it. That's what radical confidence is all about. It's like, look, you may not feel amazing, you may not feel confident in this thing, but in order to get to what you want in life, you have to take that step forward and we all focus on wanting to feel great about doing something. And I just say, I'm not going to wait to feel great. So right now, I know I have to have this conversation with Tom. I don't feel confident about having it, but I have the radical confidence, which means I need to have a game plan, I need to go in, I really need to think about it, I need to have steps of what I'm going to say, create words around it so that when I'm there, even if I don't have the confidence, I can still have the conversation. And so that's what I did. I literally went in and said, Give the man grace to have his feelings. Give him space to voice his opinion. Express to him that I was unhappy and I never said that to him.

Right. So it wasn't on him.

Correct. And then say, why I'm making the change. And so I was like, this new entrepreneurship thing, babe. I was like, I've never felt so alive. I was like, I never felt so alive. I can't believe this is my life. And so as I'm telling him this whole story of how I'm feeling, I was like, look, I recognize I'm changing. So right now, you're used to me putting your clothes out for you to cook him every meal. So in order to show you the respect that I'm changing and that it's going to be a difficult transition, there's always a transition. Why don't I wean you off me taking care of you? Yes. So we created a game plan. He's like, well, what do you mean? And I was like, well, next week, I'll just do six days a week instead of seven. And then five. The week after, I'll do five, then the week after I'll do four, then the week after I'll do three, and then babe, because I, this is my language. I want to feel like an amazing wife. I want to cook for you on Saturdays and Sundays. So he was like, okay, that sounds Good if it's difficult along the way, I'll voice my opinion. You're talking about it, yeah. So I was like, absolutely. Now it got to the point where I was doing laundry like once a month. Because I was just like, it's not important. I spent eight years of my life focused on, do these socks match? I was filling my days with tiny distractions about laundry, about going to Costco, about freaking matching socks. And so now I'm like, I don't care. It's not gonna move my life forward. And so making that decision, telling him, I don't freaking care if you've got clean underwear or not, ended up preparing us for the day where he was like, oh, I don't have any clean underwear because I'm going commando. And so he goes to work commando because he's like, what's more important, a happy wife or a little discomfort?

Was there ever a time in the first year or two of the marriage and in this agreement that you, you know, commitment that you made, I guess, that this is the vision you had for the marriage where you were happier doing these things, where you were happy being that role that you wanted to be in or thought you wanted to be in?

Yeah, no. Never. So here was what happened. When we first started, it was like we both wanted to make movies. We both had jobs in films. And I was on set one day and I had an actor throw a matchbox at me in anger because I was holding out for the props department and I hadn't had, I didn't have another matchbox to replace it. And so he literally throws a matchbox at me and I was like, I'm filling in. Like you don't disrespect people like that. I literally don't care who you are. You don't disrespect people like that. I don't deserve that. And so I went home and my heart was broken. Tom had a really bad experience in film as well. So we came to the conclusion, let's just make our own money. Louis said, it should be easy, right? Let's just go out. Let's make enough money for a month, a year and a half, and then.

We'Ll make our own film.

You mean start your own business? Yeah. Yeah. Right, back then it was like we didn't even know, like she didn't even have that word. It was like, let's just try and make enough money. So what we did in that moment is we said, cool, let's look at the world at large. Who are the most successful people and how did they live their lives? And what Tom had just read an article with Steve Jobs where he talks about always wearing the same shirt, like black. Because he's like, he doesn't want to freaking spend one decision making on what he's going to wear. Because we all have a certain amount of decision making we can make in a day with clarity. So we were like, ah, what if I'm like your black shirt, your version of your black shirt? I'll make all decisions. I'll make all decisions outside of work. You go focus on work, and this is how we're going to make a lot of money in a year and a half. so we pinky swore, it was like a deal. It was like, I can handle that. I can cook and clean for a year and a half because it was all in the bigger service of making movies. And here's the thing. How many of us get stuck in a pattern? How many of us get used to a certain way of doing life? And the mindset that we tell ourselves, I should be doing this. And my upbringing, being a Greek Orthodox, I fell into a habit that my parents told me I would fall into in the sense of my dad said, you,'re going to be a stay-at-home wife. I don't care what you're studying at.

University, you're going to be a stay-at-home.

Wife in a way. Eventually you're going to play that role, yeah. So like these small subliminal messages that I got from my dad, that I got from my grandmother, that I got from every which way growing up that being a Greek woman meant I was going to be a stay-at-home wife. When I found myself in that position, I started to find ways that I could Self-soothe.

Remember those self-soothing ways?

It becomes distractions. So I kept telling myself, it's for the greater good, Lisa, it's the greater good. It's just for a year and a.

Half, it's for the greater good.

You know, and that turns into eight years. That turns into eight years because, and I don't know about you, but do you play poker? Sometimes. Okay. But you know like the phrase pot committed? Yes, exactly. Well, you've already invested enough money and you're like, well, I do have enough money for another hand. But God, I've put so much money into it, square it, might as well put it all in. Even if your hand's bad.

Yes.

Because you're like, well, I'm not committed. I did that every single year. So Tom kept coming home, he kept saying, Babe, I just need another year and a half. I start feeling like, well, I'm the good supportive wife, of course, babe, of course, babe. So I'm reassuring myself emotionally that I'm the good supportive wife, of course, it's just for another year and a half. I'm self-soothing by telling myself it's just another year and a half. And anytime I think, should we really be doing this? I start using the idea that, well, you've come this far. You can't fail now. But you're pot committed, Lisa. I literally want to punch myself in the face, Lewis. Because when I think about how many more years I spent doing something that I wasn't satisfied in, that I was unhappy, because I'd already spent so many years, like that's such a, it's a heartbreaking mindset.

So it wasn't like it was his fault or something for saying, this is what I'm looking to do, and you've been amazing. Thank you for supporting me. This is what you said you were gonna do anyways, so this is working.

Out in his mind, right?

Yeah. But for you, you were realizing you're at a one or a two maybe on a good day, most of those years, on self-love, self-confidence, right? 100% here.

So it wasn't until you spoke up, really? Yeah, it was all me, 100%. And here's the thing, I always thought, how on earth can I say, I'm not, I need a new life or I need a different life. Like how ungrateful am I right now where my husband's going out, busting his butt every day. I didn't have to work, I was a stay at home wife. Like I had, when I think about the world and how much hardship there is on certain people, how ungrateful am I to ask for more, Louis? And here's the thing that I'm really finding struggling with, with gratitude. I use gratitude every day to self-soothe, I've got a roof over my head, how lucky am I? I've got a husband that loves me, how lucky am I? And at the same time, any time I thought of moments where of unhappiness, I kept using the gratitude and it kept me there.

Kept you staying there.

Kept me there for eight years. So that really haunts me because I think gratitude can be amazing. I think it puts a new perspective on your life, right? If you're feeling like, why me? You've got a victim mentality. I think thinking of the positive is a beautiful way of reframing things, of saying, yes, this is going terrible in my life, but look at all this amazing stuff. But it also can absolutely derail you from asking for a better life. And what I realized after my entire journey and even writing this book is you can be absolutely in love with certain parts of your life. You can be head over heels in a relationship and freaking hate your business. And you have every right to ask for more. You have every right to want more. And I didn't think I did, and I didn't think I deserved to. And so for eight years, I was just waiting for when. I was waiting for when my husband was happy.

Sure.

When we made enough money. When I felt confident enough to speak up about my unhappiness. And as we all know, the when sometimes never comes.

Right. Well, it sounds to me like there was no mission that you had. No mission. It was like, okay, I'm here to do this supportive role, but there wasn't a mission or purpose moving forward. Like there wasn't kids in the future, there wasn't something you were building together, is what I'm hearing, right?

Well, we were building something together. And I think that that's the problem, is that we can convince ourselves we're still moving towards that goal. And so for eight years, I kept convincing myself, but Lisa, you're still moving towards the goal, you're earning more money, you're earning more money, One day you'll be able to make movies. And that's, I think, where the problem lies. Right.

So it was all for the fact of making a movie together, eventually. Interesting. What do you wish you would have told yourself every night to check in or assess the conversations you need to be having differently?

That you don't need to have confidence to speak up and say what you really want in life. Confidence is like the byproduct. It's like you're really freaking scared about doing something, You try it, you fail, you fall on your face, you embarrass yourself, you learn the lesson, you pick yourself back up, and you rinse and repeat, and you keep going. And as you keep going, as you keep falling on the floor, getting yourself back up, learning the lesson, you build competence. Once you get the competence, then you slowly get the confidence. So the confidence comes afterwards. And what I was waiting for is I was waiting to feel good about myself. I was waiting for that frickin' negative voice in my head. I literally was waiting for her to stop talking. I was waiting for her to be nicer. And what I didn't realize is it wasn't coming. And so I had to do it anyway. But to my point is telling someone, yeah, I know you're scared, but do it anyway. It doesn't help. When you've got anxiety, when you're depressed, when you're like really in your own head, telling someone to do something doesn't help.

What should you tell them instead?

You need a game plan. You need to step back and actually think about things. The analogy I kind of use, I'm not the analogy, but the example I use is when I was going to step on stage for the first time. I've seen you, Mel Robbins, my husband, Ed Millett, like you guys are amazing. When was this first time?

Do you remember?

So this was probably four years ago? Uh-huh. Maybe three and a half.

Which event was this?

So, well, so I kept getting asked to get on stage. And I was like, are you joking? Like, why would I ever do that? It looks like it's the most scariest.

Thing on the world. It's terrifying. If you've never done it, like I remember when I first started, it was terrifying for years.

Right, but why would you do it then, Louis? It's like, that's how I felt.

Well, I did it because I had a meaningful mission. I had a mission that I wanted to serve and impact people and be of service to helping people improve. And I knew that I needed to use my voice in some way, whether it be, I wasn't a movie maker, so that could be a way of expressing yourself. I was like, I'm not that great of a writer. I gotta learn how to speak. and communicate a message. So that's what, when I started working with them.

Okay, I love that so much. Now here's the thing, seeing someone like you on stage, seeing someone like my husband on stage, when you've got the mission, is amazing. But even if I have the mission, how do I actually step on stage?

It's hard.

It's so scary. And so telling people, we just do it, or like, it's terrifying, but you'll figure it out, it didn't help me. And so I said, I think I'm like so many other people. because I can't just do it. And so I had to have a game plan. That's what I call radical confidence. So I stepped back and I said, all right. So in fact, Tom was the first one that said to me, Lisa, babe, you keep saying, like, we, at this point, we had a mission, we built impact theory, and our mission is to impact people. So he's like, you realize that you keep saying no to these speaking gigs, and you realize it's getting in the way of the mission that you said to impact. He's like, no pressure. It's your life. But I just, as your partner, I'm gonna be honest with so I had to sit back and I was like alright stepping on stage would that serve my mission yes or no? Yes. Okay not stepping on stage why am I not doing it? Because I'm petrified. Alright with no judgement now what is more important my ego or my goals? That's it just ask yourself with no judgement it's not about other people you don't have to ever get on stage Lisa this isn't about other people and how good everyone else is and how much other people can step on stage this is just about you looking nakedly at the situation and and making a decision. So I said, Impact is more important than my ego. Okay, great. How do I use that to now step on stage? Okay, I've got my North Star. What is the voice in my head so worried about? Let the ego speak. What is it worried about? At least you don't know what the hell you're gonna do on stage. All right, ego, actually you're right. So I have a chapter, it's like turn your negative voice from your b**** to your BFF. Because it's like she would be crippling and now I treat it like my best friend. How can I listen to her? Like a friend. I know what you're saying isn't very nice, but as a friend, you want what's best for me. So tell me, what do I need to know? You're gonna get a stage and you have no idea what you're doing. Okay, great. The negative voice is telling me to prepare. I better freaking prepare. So I sat down, I had coaching sessions for my husband. I booked time with him. I was like, all right, babe, I need you to coach me. Help me. I did my speech. I read it in front of him. I kept booking meetings with him where I'd read to him in real time. I then had my whole team there where I was- Practicing. Practicing. So now I'm allowing the negative voice in my head, the thing that my ego that is worried I'm going to embarrass myself, that is worried that I'm going to be shameful, that I'm going to fall on my face, I'm letting her speak, I'm taking the message, I'm learning the lesson and I'm using it. So, okay, great, practice, amazing. Next thing, what is a negative voice saying? Even if you're prepared, how on earth are you going to step on stage because you've got imposter syndrome? Okay, great, what are the tools I can get and put on or use to my advantage because I know I need my emotions to boost me on stage. All right, instead of just saying do it anyway, come up with a game plan. Number one, I know music empowers me. Put on Destiny's Child, I'm a Survivor, and I dare anyone at home to not feel the fire lit up under their butt. So number one, find a song, find your hype song. So I had my song ready. What happens when you give a kid a cake? Louis.

They act like a superhero.

Immediately, right? They've got the fist in the air. As kids, we associate clothing with how we feel. Think symbols, but we don't do that as adults. Well, look at my hair. Look at my neck, my Wonder Woman necklace. Even this watch, which you guys mentioned when I first sat, it's kind of like my Wonder Woman cuffs. And so what I do is I have a uniform, and I lean into it. this isn't accidental. Every time I put on this cheapy Wonder Woman necklace for like a month, every time I would put it on, I would repeat to myself, you're a badass like Wonder Woman. Repetition creates habit. So what I ended up doing is creating a habit of every time now I put this on, I'm telling myself a message. So I lent into all of these things. And I was like, what's your uniform to go on stage? So now I've got my uniform. I got my hair, and then the final thing is my bad b*tch boots.

Okay.

So these are knee-high boots that I didn't accidentally call them bad b*tch boots. I deliberately gave them a name that every time I would put them on would make me feel a certain way. You do this leading up to the event. Well, it doesn't have to be boots. It can be anything. But every time I did, I would zip them up, Lewis, and I would be like, yeah, my bad. It's not like that. So that, as I'm getting dressed, To go on stage, what am I telling myself automatically now as I'm getting ready? I've got my Wonder Woman necklace, I've got my bad b**t boots on, I've got my Hype song that I'm listening to on stage, and then the final little things that I did was I set an alarm in my phone. Any motivating alarm that you want. I closed my eyes, I did youd got this with like a little emoji, and I closed my eyes and I spun it. And for a month, I had to go off at random times. Now sometimes it's obviously inappropriate times, it's in the middle of a meeting or an interview, but literally it would be random moments because what I wanted to do is subliminally tell myself at any moment, catch me off guard, that I got this. So that when I'm going on stage, none of it was by accident. I needed the game plan. Now the final thing was I let the voice speak. and the voice was saying, but what if you freeze? You've seen it, I've seen it so many times, where someone's on stage and they mess up and they freeze. You feel uncomfortable for them.

Oh, it's so bad, yeah.

It's so heartbreaking. So I was like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to make, like, that would be really heartbreaking for me. So come up with a game plan. You've heard the thing that you're worried about. Now find something else to do in order to mitigate that. So I was like, all right. What can I do? Kids, when they fall on the floor, what do they do? They look at their parent to like kind of see, should I be crying right now or am I okay? You know, and the parent, if the parents chill, the kids are like, okay, I guess I'm fine. So they all look to you. So I said, if I'm nervous, if I'm tense, then of course everyone else is going to be tense. So I needed a game plan that if I froze, what am I going to do? I said to myself, Lisa, laugh. That was it. Laugh at your mistake. I don't know how I'm gonna laugh or why I'm gonna laugh, but that was my instruction. Just start laughing at your mistake, because everyone knows you've messed up. So to hide it only makes everyone else more tense. So that was my game plan. I'm gonna laugh. As soon as I get on stage, I'm like three minutes in. You start laughing. I tell them, well, I made them a huge error. I start telling a story about my grandparents, and I say when my dad gave birth to my grandmother. Torus was a massive error. And I was like, well that would be weird. And I just started laughing. Everyone started laughing too. And I moved on and no one remembered it. Everyone else moved on too. So did I give it my best? Because even the serving someone makes me nervous. It's like, what if you didn't? Now I'm just like, yeah, exactly. So even with this book, so when Tom came to me, you know, we had the whole thing behind the scenes about like Tom had the book offer and was he gonna take it or not? And then he said no. But then they hit Tom up and said, Would Lisa be interested in writing a book? So he comes into my office one day during COVID and he's like, Babe, like they just asked if you wanna write a book. That's big. And I was like, I was at my computer, I was like, oh, that's nice. And I went back to Tom and he's like, what do you mean? He's like, Babe, did you hear what I just said? Like they just asked if you wanna write a book. I said, yeah, just said that's very sweet. He goes, why are you being so freaking nonchalant about it? This is a big deal. The words that came out of my mouth was, who would buy a book from me? Interesting. And this is a year and a half ago. I've already built a billion dollar company.

Impact Theory already has over half a.

Billion views on our channel. Women have impacted, blowing up, yeah. All of that. And yet I still had the negative mindset, or the negative voice in my head that says that. So the great news is, I just embrace her now. I'm like, oh, the 14 year old insecure Lisa is still there. That's amazing. It's okay. I got you. We're gonna do this together. Like I kind of coach myself. And then to your point about like serving someone, I was so stressed about what if no one, like what if it doesn't create impact? And I was like, I have to reframe how I think right now. Because right now I think I would hold my identity and my worth to if it actually changes someone's life. So now I'm looking external for the validation. And I was like, that's a dangerous place to be. Very dangerous. So now I have to do the internal work before I even release the book. Yes. What does the internal work look like? All right, number one, did you do your research? You went in as a novice. Don't pretend you know your s**t. You went in not knowing what you're doing. You've never written a book before. So go in with the grace that you've never written a book and now research. So I called up a lot of our friends. I literally had like 10 questions. Mel Robbins, folio. I'm like, all right guys, what are the things I don't know? What are the traps I'm about to get into? What's the biggest surprise? What's the most amazing thing? And I just did my research. I made a promise to myself. Cool. Step two, give it your all. Because if I've given it my all and we all know if we've given it our all right, we can't con ourselves. You may be able to con everyone else. Say, oh my God, I gave it everything. But when you're alone at night, you know whether you actually did give it you all. So I was like, if I can, when I'm alone, be proud that I gave it every ounce for me, that I didn't make excuses, that I didn't give all the reasons why I didn't show up. If I know that I gave it everything, I've left it all out on the table. There's nowhere else for me to go. And by golly, I can be proud of that. I went from the person that said, who the hell would buy a book from me? And I freaking wrote book. I need to be proud of that.

Yes.

And so every step of the way over the year of writing the book, I kept going back to make sure you don't get external validation or your worth tied to the results of whether this book does well or not. And that's how I've actually coached myself over this last year. I've done the foundation to where you now see me, where it's like, I've got a book. I don't know if it would do well, but I'm so freaking proud.

And here- that's great.

The last thing, if it totally tanks, You better believe I'm gonna say, oh, why did it tank? Let me take out my book and let me add my little notepad and let me write down all the ways in which I've learned of why it tanked.

Everyone wants to do the thing well that they're doing. So how do they overcome the anxiety or the stress of the results when they put their life into something?

Yeah, I think it's like you really have to process it beforehand. You have to actually assess what, you know, it's like People just like, I want to be successful, I want to be happy. What does that actually mean? Like, what does success actually mean to you? Like, you have to be so, you have to define it so much so that you know what that North Star is. Because let's say people are listening, they have a goal in mind. They have to know exactly precisely what that goal is. For me, the goal is write a book that creates impact. Now look, attach that. I'd love for it to be in New York Times number one. But that is so me looking outside of myself and there's a certain element of I can't control it. Of course, you can come in with all the intention. What are my marketing strategies? How am I going to do this? Who am I going to hit? All of that be very intentional. But at the end of the day, no matter how much intention you have, the success is never guaranteed. This was actually something that Tom taught me. The struggle is for certain. The results aren't guaranteed. So now, are you enjoying the journey? Are you enjoying the struggle every step? So to your point of reminding yourself, but why did you do this? You needed to get it out of you. And those are the things that I think are very imperative to establish before you get started. Because let's face it, failure freaking stings. No matter how much, right? No matter how successful you are, failures still stings. And so making sure you don't allow that failure to cripple you, making sure you don't allow that failure to keep you stuck, to me is my main goal. Like literally that is my north star. Whatever you try, Lisa, you cannot use the success or the failure of it to dictate what you're gonna do next. And so for me it's like how do I reframe failure? How do I think of failure? How do we process failure? That's such an important, like, thing for us, I think, to do so that if it happens, you're not left not knowing, like not having a strategy and actually thinking it's about you. Yes.

You've got this book coming out, Women of Impact Has Been Crushing. You know, you've been extremely successful independently yourself with your own identity outside of what it used to be in the marriage.

Right.

Has success, your success, tested the relationship.

Yes.

In the last, you know, few years since you've kind of been blowing up now.

So it's interesting. The reason why I said yes is I didn't actually realize that you were gonna say saw it like as in popularity. When I was behind the camera and I stepped in front of the camera like the first or second time, Tom literally in front of the entire company, he's like, my wife's gonna be bigger than me and I have zero problem with it. He's like, mark my words, he wants it. He's like, he doesn't love being in front of the camera, like he's very good at it, but he loves the impact. The camera is just the tool for him. I freaking love like this, just hanging with you and like the idea of creating impact and staring at the camera, like this could create, like who knows where this can go, right? That is such excitement and beauty to me. So the size and popularity, no. But when I went from being a housewife who supported him to being an entrepreneur, that was a big struggle for us. because what happened was when Quest was growing, our first facility was in Compton. And Tom being very passionate and big brothering for a kid who lived in the inner cities, he said it was very important for us to help the inner city people. So he, when we started Quest, we put out a call and we said, we don't care about your background. We don't care if you've got a, if you're an ex convict. We don't care. All we care about is who are you today and who you willing to become and are you willing to work hard?

And that's it.

So now we put a call out and so literally we had lines and lines and lines of people that were looking for a job. So flash forward, Quest grows 57,000%. I've now got a facility about 10,000 square feet, 40, 40 employees underneath me within two years. I went from shipping on my living room floor, not knowing how to be a boss, to them 40 employees. Now, a lot of them are ex-convicts, a lot of them are much bigger than me. They're like your stature. I'm five foot one. You can like pick me up with your pinky. So, what I thought, bad advice, but what I thought I should do is go in there and be aggressive. Because show them you can't be pushed around, Lisa. That's the only way I know how. And a lot of the female entrepreneurship back then as well, this is like 2010-ish, 11. were all about basically don't show emotion and you have to be like a dude. And so I went in there going thinking, okay, I'm not gonna get pushed around. And so I'm gonna go there and I'm gonna bark orders and I'm gonna tell them, you know, I'm stern, you know, you can't push me around. Now, A, you can imagine that didn't motivate any of my team. That was a total disaster. And what that ended up doing, it started to harden me. And one day, Tom pulled me aside. in our person when we got home and he said, Babe, I love you, but you're hardening. And you're hardening to a point where now you're bringing this into our relationship. And he said, and look, let's talk about it. I understand why you need to harden because business is tough. So let's actually talk about it. But I want to talk about the lovely, sweet wife that I miss. And he's like, if you bring too much hardness to our relationship, he's like, it doesn't compute with me. He's like, I love softness. I love that you care. I love that you have this big heart. And because you're starting to soften in business, you're starting to lose the softness in our relationship. And so let's talk about that. And I was like, yeah, that's very fair. I love to be like, I love it when he wraps me around his arms or like he carries me because my feet are sore. I love the fact that he's six foot. I love that about him. And so I was like, oh, you know what? As a relationship, a, you need to have space where your partner can say the truth, even if you don't agree. Like, maybe I want to be hard. I have to give him space to be hurt. So I heard him out. And initially I was defending. I was like, but you don't understand why I have to be hard. You know, it's okay for you. You're a guy. People respect you and block, you know, and I gave every reason why. And he's like, babe, I'm not I'm saying like this isn't a skill set you need to, you need to grow. Of course you do. You have to, you know, dominance is going to be very important in business, but how do we navigate, navigate what you're doing in business and our relationship? And so we just started, I was like, okay, that's very fair. When I come home, how do I soften? Because I like to be soft. Yeah. So I had to figure out what that strategy was. And so to the strategy that I sort of how on earth I suit up, to get on stage, I now do the opposite to soften. So literally, if I want to be a big ball of mush, which I really do enjoy being around my husband, you've seen me around him, like I sit on his lap and whatever, I do the opposite. I take my jewelry off, I put my hair up, I wear Wonder Woman fluffy pajama bottoms, or like in fact, I wear onesies. We have matching onesies that we wear every Saturday. And we match onesies because I want to feel that emotional connection with him on a personal level. And so to be able to transition with work, your partner being your business partner for like 15 years, to how do you keep that spark alive and the romance alive, it's because you need to know how to navigate the two, where your strengths and weaknesses are, what those tactics are that you're going to use when you need to turn to them, because sometimes I've gone balls to the fricking wall all day in business and I'm like, you know, I've got heart because all day all I'm doing is making decisions and now I come home and I got my husband wanting to give me a big squishy hug. How do I transition from one to the other? Knowing how to have a notice tag, testing yourself, you know, what I can say will be different for you or you know your listeners at home, but you need to try things. Like I said, for me it really was Undoing the hair, the makeup, the jewelry, taking deep breaths.

Changing the uniform.

Changing the uniform.

How has your mindset shifted? Do you feel like you have created more confidence or more self-love or more belief in yourself as the money started to come for both you and Tom in your life where you really didn't have a lot beforehand. You had some, you were working or he was working but it wasn't like the amount wealth that you guys created with Quest and Impact Theory and everything you guys have built together. How did the accumulation of wealth change your beliefs about yourself?

Oh, that's such a big question. That's such a good question, there is. Okay.

Because you went from an apartment, I'm assuming, to a house, to a bigger house, to, you know, number in your bank account going way up to being able to buy things now. Lots of great things.

Yeah.

How did that shift?

So I really thought when we're successful, when we're rich, I'm gonna feel like everything's gonna be okay. Because you look at successful wealthy people and you're like, you, at least for me, can't speak for other people, I admire them. I can't like God, look at that watch. Like look at that thing, right? Like oh my God, I'm gonna be rich. Yeah, I'm gonna feel great when I have it. So because you think that about that person, you think that's how you're gonna feel when you get there. So I'm gonna take you back. Quest is announced as a billion dollar company, but we all know until you actually make any sales... You don't make any money.

You're just getting a salary and some bonuses.

Yeah. Tom and I were still sharing the same Ford Focus with a hole in the exhaust when Quest was announced as a billion dollar company. So everyone thinks you're wealthy, but we literally had, you know, Tom's salary and that was it. So we go to sell a very small portion of Quest, and so this thing's take months and months. Right, right.

How much did you guys. What was the percentage?

I think it was like nine percent at the beginning that you guys had total.

We sold.

So there's three business partners, Tom and then the other.

They split it three ways.

Yes, exactly. So we split like nine percent or something. 11. I can't remember how much. This was a while ago. So it's a small percent. So you're still taking massive ownership over it, but it was still a hell of a lot of money. Absolutely. So. Now that sort of thing takes months and months and months. So we didn't want to talk about it. We didn't tell anybody that we were trying to sell a bit because you never know what's gonna happen.

So one day we hear rumors that today is gonna be the day. That the money comes in.

Yes. Like there's a wire transfer of this much money. Our Ford Focus is still sitting in the drive. Right. And we hear these rumors from our finances that the money's about to come in. So we're working in our makeshift garage gym and in between reps, Tom's like, all right babe, refresh, refresh. No, nothing yet. So we're gonna go and do it, refresh, refresh, and literally one button, refresh. Boom. Boom, your life changes. Wow. And in that moment, I was like, out of my head. And so we hugged, we took a couple of selfies, and then what did we do, Louis? We got back up and went back to work. Yeah. And in that moment, because at first of all, I was like, babe, where you going? Yeah, we've got to settle. He goes, we've got to get back to work. Our mission isn't done. I was like, you're right. And in that moment, it was such a beautiful realization because we had had a mission, so we were chasing money. We said, stop chasing money. Now let's chase something that's actually predicated on passion, desire, and value add. That was Quest Nutrition. So we flipped our mindsets. We stopped chasing money. And in the effort of stop chasing money, it led to us creating money. But because of we'd already developed a mission, we'd already developed our why, we knew why we were getting out of bed every day. That didn't change just because our bank account did. Now look, I'm not gonna pretend, it was amazing! Yeah. Right? Before we didn't tell anybody and about two days later or something, we went shopping.

And it was like, Get whatever you want, yes.

So it was like, that's amazing. I'm never gonna BS anyone. It was a dream come true. It was wonderful. But it didn't change how I felt about myself. It didn't change my mission.

Did you believe you were deserving and worthy of the money?

I don't really think like that. I don't really know what that means because when it says deserving, there are people out there that have a harder life than I do, that work harder to provide for their family than I do. So it's hard for me to say deserve. We work freaking hard for it. We sacrificed. So do I think that it was, you know, well placed, maybe? Sure. You know, it's hard for me to kind of answer that. It really did become a When you get what you think you want, when you go to bed at night, how do you feel about yourself? And it was the same. It was just in more expensive bedsheets.

Right. You know, and the nicer car.

Yeah. The negative voice is still there. The person saying that you're not good is still there. The imposter syndrome is still there. It's just in a nicer house.

So you still felt like an imposter?

Oh my God, of course. Yeah.

What was the imposter voice?

I still felt like an imposter. my husband out.

What year was this?

2015.

Okay, so about seven years ago.

Yeah.

So what was the voice in your head at that time? When this massive number hits the bank account, what is that imposter voice saying to you?

Even though at this point I had, you know, I was had 40 employees underneath me, 10,000 square foot, literally went from shipping bars on my living room floor to that. And then imposter syndrome was, is that my husband and his business partners earned the money and I was a good help.

So that's what you were saying to yourself, God, yeah.

And so even that like took work and, you know, internal work and, you know, like the value, what value do you bring to the table just because your name is on that piece of paper as like, you know, a founder, because those three were, it's like you've brought, you know, to really coach myself through, but you've sacrificed, you've given every hour of every day. Literally, I was working 12-13 hours a day. So to really believe in myself that I had earned that was very hard, but it was important for me to do. And then the idea of in the grind, when things are hard and you're asking yourself, what the hell are we doing this all for? Like, why? Tom and I would drive around Beverly Hills in our crappy car and we would like point out all the houses we would buy. And we were like, I like this style. No, no, no, I like this style. and then eventually the money comes to our account and we actually can buy the house that we're like, the roads that we're touring. So it's like the biggest dream come true. And in that moment, it was like, I wanted a waterfall. So I'm a 90s chick. I love hip-hop and I love 90s. And so I was, like, always joking, but really serious. I was like, babe, I want to do, like, our own version of a 90s hip-hop music video. I want a I want Dom Perignon bottle. Like, I want to pour it down me in a sexy outfit. I want you to film me. Like, that was the dream. I have to emotionally tie to a dream. It can't just be like a house. It has to be like the feeling of getting the house. So I had this vision. We finally get the house. It finally has a freaking waterfall, dude. We get the keys. We got a bottle of Dom Perignon. Tom's got a photo. He's taking photo of me. I'm taking a swig of the champagne. and that was the moment my health and my gut felt like it ex, you know, obviously I've had health issues. That was the moment.

Really?

That same moment that we were celebrating the biggest achievement of our lives.

Really?

It's so cliche.

Why was that the moment, do you think?

So I think I'd had 15 years of gut issues. I was ignoring them, ignoring them, ignoring them. I was priding myself on the grind. I wasn't proud of myself on the so for years and years I was getting sicker and sicker because I wasn't replenishing my gut. I had a very unhealthy relationship with food, so I wasn't having fat, I wasn't eating carbs, I thought I had to be as skinny as possible. So all this unhealthy relationship, I was getting sick because I was working a lot, I wasn't replenishing, and so I was getting a lot of antibiotics. And so for like years and years and years, I was taking three to four, five times a year antibiotics. And I really think it got to the point where I'd push myself into the ground and the bubbly and the alcohol. I think it was just that moment. And I think, and it literally from them, it felt like it erupted. I didn't tell Tom because of course I'm trying to be strong. Sure. So I'm like, babe, I'll be back in a second. I run to the bathroom and I literally cannot get, I'm like, what the hell is happening to me? My gut is in like so such disarray. But my husband's so excited for it. So of course, of course, what do I tell myself? Just push through it. Right. Don't tell him push through it as a celebration. And I was like, all right, if I just get straight into the swimming pool, then I'll be able to hide my pain. Oh, man. So I get out. I'm like, trying to pretend. I'm like, rushing into the swimming pool. And just the water pressure was too unbearable. And that's when I'm like, babe, I don't know what's wrong from that was six years ago. six years ago. I'm still on my journey of healing my gut.

Wow.

Just to give perspective to everybody. For a whole year, I couldn't eat more than, like, four or five ingredients. It was like beef, salt, coconut oil and chicken. I was 20 pounds lighter than I am now.

Wow.

My hair was falling out, my nails were brittle. And you want to talk about my relationship with my husband. I started feeling like I wasn't sexy. I could barely hug him, let alone any intimacy. You've got to understand what that does to a woman's emotions, how I felt about myself. Tom was so supportive that I felt like I wasn't bringing, you know, beauty to our relationship. That was me. That wasn't him. Sex was out the window. And it was like I couldn't even stand up at five minutes at a time. And on the outside, We had just literally were celebrating Quest being a billion dollar company and one of the most fastest growing nutrition companies in the world. And here I am, I can't even eat. I pretended I didn't tell anybody for months. I didn't tell anyone. So sorry, I know that was a long story, but really going back to your point of I remember the day that my success changed. And that was the most beautiful lesson that I, like if I can look back, right? I think it was Tony Robbins, but I use it all the time. How can I make the most horrific thing be the best thing that's ever happened to me? In that moment, I was giving it meaning. Yeah. And in that moment, I was tested. And it was like, you can't, I mean, like I said, I'm still struggling six years later. But how can that moment be the best thing that's ever happened to me? Number one, I took ownership. I did it to my gut. I was the one that had a bad relationship with food. I was the one that was taking the antibiotics. And for so long I was like, it's the doctor's fault. It's the expert's fault. It's that person's fault. Taking ownership over my health changed everything, not just for my health, but in the way that I see business, in the way that I see my relationship. Now every time something goes wrong, the very first thing I ask myself is, how can I take ownership over this? How was this my own doing? So that changed my whole health, that changed my business. Every time now something goes wrong in the business, whether it's an employee that has royally screwed up, I literally, before I say anything, it's like, what's my ownership in this?

Yeah, yeah, I know that feeling.

And so that just changed everything. And then it also changed my idea of success. It really did. And so when I got, thank God, like, I don't know how I would think about success if that hadn't happened to me. I don't know how I would think about money if that didn't happen to me.

How do you think about it now?

I don't give a shit. like I love it, of course. It allows me to create content, right? It allows me to impact people. It allows me to do all the things I do every day. If ever I was coming to conflict with my relationship, I wouldn't think twice about it. If ever it was coming to conflict of me feeling good about myself, I wouldn't think about it. Like that's what I mean by it doesn't dictate who I am and how I show up every day. It is an amazing facilitator, amazing. And I'm such an advocate for wealth creation. I never, I think it's BS, oh, yeah. Like, no, no, it can do beautiful things. It really can. So I'm not going to BS anyone. But money in and of itself is like a superpower. You can use it for good or you can use it for evil. It's your choice.

Right.

And so for me, it's like, it can be. It's so beautiful because I'm able to create beautiful things out of it. But it doesn't have a reflection of how I feel about myself, who I am and how I show up every day. And I don't know if it would it may have done that if my gut didn't fall apart.

Interesting. I'm never a fan of changing the past, but let's say you could hypothetically give yourself three lessons that you learned from the day you got married until now. And hypothetically, you could speak to yourself a week before you got married.

Yeah.

From this standpoint to 20 years ago, I guess it was when you're 20, 20 something years ago when you're 20th year anniversary. and you could say whatever lessons that you wanted to share, you know, three things that you just wish you had the skills around, the tools around, or you wish you had the hindsight then to think about. What would you say to your younger self right before you got married, going in those next eight years before this started the transition?

I don't think I would change anything. And I don't know if that's a cop out. because I can't change anything or in fact, no, I don't think it's a cop-out. I think I use it as a way for my mind to stay strong because I need to believe I am who I am today because of all everything that's happened.

Of course, of course.

And so even going back then, I think the thing is just like, it's okay. Like, I got in my head so much when I was younger of like, can I be perfect? How can I be the wife. How can I make sure that I am, you know, that I'm bringing value to people's lives? Like I put so much pressure on myself of always being like the perfect person and if something goes wrong, it's a reflection of who I am. And what I've learned is when failure happens or something goes wrong, it actually is a reflection of who you are, but not in the way that we think it is. I think, I used to think failure was a reflection of how bad I was at things. and I don't want people to see it. But now I think failure is a reflection of the fact that I'm willing to go after something.

I like that.

And so I think I would go back and tell myself that. Number one, every time you fail or you fall on your face, just know it's a reflection that you're trying to do something in your life. Also that you're a work in progress, always and forever. Even, you know, who you see today In a year, in two years, in three years, in four years, I want to be growing. So even like, I shared that story earlier about, you know, I wanted four children. I've accepted this is my life and that who I say I am today may not be who I am next year. And that's okay.

Because it changed then, it could change again.

Of course. And even that with my husband, right? With Tom, it's like, yes, he's an extremely ambitious man, but what if tomorrow he decided He didn't want to be ambitious anymore. Like I would 100% accept that we would have to navigate what that means, what change that makes to our lives, but we encourage each other to change, to evolve, to adapt. And going back to your question, when I was young, I never would have. I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, everything has to stay the same. Because everyone finds comfort in the same. Everyone finds comfort in the known. And so I have now completely pivoted and the complete opposite, and now I seek challenges. I seek things that I don't know what I'm doing. What would you say is the biggest.

Thing you still are working on?

Healing.

Ooh, healing. I'm a big believer that healing is a journey. It's a process. You know, you might have a moment where you're like, this thing has been affecting me for decades, and now I'm awake to it, and I'm starting the healing journey, and now I'm not as triggered by this thing anymore, but there might be tendencies every now and then, just not as big of or a wound, what do you feel the wound is for you? Yeah, I know it very well.

It's a trigger of mine that I didn't realize I've been working through, realized it probably a few years ago now. Tom highlighted it for me and it's interesting, have a conversation with your partner about what triggers you when they notice it first. That's freaking hard, dude. Because initially you're just like, no, what do you mean? I'm not so good by that, right? Sure. Because you get triggered by it. Of course. So first of all, I just look, okay, Tom wants what's best for me. So I have to just embrace that I've been with him long enough to know when he's saying something, I really need to pay attention. And then identifying where the trigger comes from. So there's actually a couple. Number one, I don't cry.

Ever.

Not in public and very rarely by myself.

Interesting. Okay.

I'm working to unwind that and it started off with Tom's me joking and Tom joking that I was dead inside. And we used to joke.

But there's some truth in jokes, right?

So, because here was the thing, because there would be moments, literally, we'd be watching a movie, Louis, and he'd be in tears and he'd look over and he's like, what the fuck, babe? You're not even crying? And I'm like, no, like, it's sad.

Sad, bud, yeah.

And so I think that part of it was like a defense mechanism. mechanism for him to be like, you-'re just dead inside. And so I used to joke, yeah, I'm dead inside. It never bothered me until I started to realize, why don't I cry? What is it? Like, I see so many women hold back the tears so much and I'm the complete opposite. I try to do it with no judgment, right? But like, by yourself or around people. Yeah, I do it by myself. Like, after I started to realize, why am I the only one that doesn't.

Cry in When did you start realizing this?

When I was younger, I used it as a source of pride.

I'm strong, I'm tough.

Yeah, I'm freaking cry. These what is, what's going on over here? I don't freaking cry. I used it as a pride thing. As I learned more and more about mindset, as I started to learn about my audience, doing my show Women of Impact, and hearing how many people would watch episodes and be in tears, and I'm like, what am I not feeling? Am I actually dead inside? So I had to process and I was like, is this holding me back? Why is this holding me back? Why is this bothering me right now to your point? Why is this now bothering me? Before I think of it as a superpower. And so as I started to unravel, I started to just no judgment, go back into my past. And I realized that when I was around 15, I was at a funeral, first person that really died in my family. And I looked around, and I'm the youngest, so I was very much used to everyone else being the strong people, the leaders and all of that, and I would just follow. I look around, everyone's in tears. Everyone, all the guys, all the women. And in that moment, I was like, well, who's going to be strong for them? I remember, and I was like, I'm so used to people being strong for me, but there's not a dry eye in the room, so I guess I'm gonna have to be it. And so I remember being hold back the tears, don't you dare cry, be strong for everyone else. And then I also remember at the age of around seven or eight, I remember my parents got divorced and I would walk into the room and my mum would always wipe away her tears and pretend she wasn't crying. And like now, even when my mum hears me say that, I'm like, mum, you cannot blame yourself, please don't, because of Of course, you try not to upset me, so why would you like, don't feel bad about trying to wipe away the tears? And we learned so much about mindset now, you know, over the years. So don't worry about it, but yeah, that did teach me that as a woman, you shouldn't show tears or vulnerability in front of others because it may upset them.

Interesting.

And so I think I adopted those things. So flash forward, I'm now an adult, my husband's crying more than I am, and I'm like, I really have to assess it. So I'm really still Processing it. Really? Yeah.

How are you processing it?

In moments of, so my, my puppy passed away a couple of weeks ago. And when I say puppy, 17 and a half, he wasn't a puppy at all. And in moments like that, I was just like, okay. First of all, I couldn't even control myself. It was just the, the tears and the heartbreak just came. So in moments like that, I'm like, I was coaching myself.

Really?

To just like feel the feel. And I was repeating that, feel the feel, Lisa. It's okay, feel the feel. So I kept telling myself that.

Were you trying to hold it back.

A little bit or? I think once upon a time I would have, but I've done the pre-work now. And just over the last few years, I've really been working on this specific thing. So in that moment, and then the last thing was give myself grace. I was supposed to do Jay Shetty's podcast that day. And I was like, it's freaking Jay Shetty. Like, you know, we all know how busy he is, right? And he's a good friend of ours.

But I know how busy years. And I was like, the universe testing you. It's like, okay, you gotta just toughen.

Up and go back to work. And. Yeah. And so in that moment, I was like, no, I'm not gonna toughen up. No. You know what? I need to feel this. And this is exactly why you can't cry, Lisa. Because you're trying to be a bad all the time, but I have to tell myself. So I have to literally say to myself, Lisa, be soft. Let yourself feel the feelings. You know, if you went to this, you would put on your uniform, you would get your mindset right, but then that won't allow you to actually grieve. And so, you know, very graciously called him and we canceled the shoot. And I just, I told my team, don't any, I kept my phone off. And that was the thing. I was like, I need to allow myself the space to process my emotions and I just need to cry and I just need to do whatever I need to do. And so I gave myself that space. And so that was all because I'd done the work. I realized that it was a problem. I realized that, oh, my God, this might be a point. my old habits are gonna arise. So now I have to give myself the space.

What do you think is available for yourself when you allow yourself space to feel emotions, to process emotions and healthy manners, as opposed to holding back emotions?

I think that that might have been a big part of why I ended up having a lot of health issues.

Really?

Because if you think about it, I was grinding a quest. I never gave myself any self-care. It was like, my auntie, I remember, this is heartbreaking, I remember in the, I was in the middle of work, my auntie in Cyprus, going to a massive, like, she was walking in the street and a car hit her and pinned her against these like, barriers. And I remember like my dad calling me and me being on the phone, I was like, you know, talking with him and I was like, well, I can't go to Cyprus. I've got business to run. You know, keep me updated, dad, but I can't. I can't, you know, and it's like, now you're kidding. I would drop everything if someone needed me. And I'd like, you know, so things like that where you just make these small decisions where you're like, well, it's all the way there anyway. What can I really do? You know? And then I go back to work. I didn't actually let the emotion of what had happened to my aunts and kin. I didn't let any of that. And so I've kind of trying to unwind all the behavior that I've done in order to see how I can use it in the future. And what's interesting is because I'm so used to, I said earlier about music, I'm so used to knowing how to get hard and how to like get on. When on that day when my dog died the next day, I actually realized I had to let it out. Even if I wasn't feeling it, I had to let it out. And so I was like, what can I do to let it out?

Because you've never really done it before. you didn't know how to.

Yeah. So I actually put on a song that I knew was going to break my heart. Wow.

Which one was this?

It was a very recent one, which is weird because it. I only just had a newer song. Yeah, it's the Jennifer Lopez song on my way to you.

Okay.

Or whatever.

Okay.

God, like, even now I could get, like, actually a little emotional because I was listening to that song. Like, as I were on the car on the way to the vet. Oh. So we get a call at one in the morning, Hey, we don't know if he's gonna make it. You've got to get your here. We jump in the car and then the next day I heard that song and it's basically, I'm on my way to you. It's like even talking about it, like I'm getting emotional, but like, if I put that song on, like I did it deliberately, I put it on repeat. I wanted the tears to come. I wanted the floodgates open on purpose. And so that's like kind of going back to what I'd said earlier. Like I tried to be deliberate about what I'm trying to achieve in order to allow the emotion to come so I can really just feel it. Whether it's hey I want to be freaking bad right now and how the hell do I get on stage and be bad? And right now I need to let this out. How do I do that? What do I do? I put on like my most intimate like soft pajamas. I had a photo of him next to me. I had his blanket. And so literally, like, I was smelling his blanket, putting that song on and wanting to cry.

I can relate to the music being a. An opener for you. My father passed two months ago, and for the first few weeks afterwards, I was just listening to music. Like, there'd be songs, like an Andre Bocelli song, will play even now, and it gets me very emotional. to the point where I need to turn the song off because it'll take me down a grieving path for a period of time. So if I'm at night and it's at a home and I can do it, then that's great. But if it's in the middle of the day, I'm like, I have to block it at some points to stay focused on something. But it's a journey. But I'm so proud of you for allowing yourself the process of healing. You know, there's. It's a journey. And for me, it's a journey as well. But I think allowing yourself to cry or just feel the emotions, how you want to feel them, and let that out of you. Because whatever is inside of you stays trapped there, it might affect you physically. So I think that's a really healthy thing. You're allowing yourself the ritual of processing. Because I truly believe the body keeps score, you know, from the book. Body keeps the score. So if we're not able to process in healthy ways, then it's gonna block us up in certain ways.

Yeah, it was so weird and so freaking heartbreaking and something new that I'm working on.

Because I know you're extremely mentally tough, right? You and Tom talk about mindset all the time. This is a part of the pillar of your values and foundation and growth mindset. Have you processed or thought about the power of emotional agility and that value for yourself? And have you looked into that?

Yeah. That's really why I knew that this wasn't healthy. Like even if it was like, well why does it matter Lisa? Right? Like why does it matter that you don't cry? Because I know it doesn't actually help what I'm trying to do on impact and relatability and understanding and empathy, all of that. Like I recognize it. So.

Are you doing any more coaching or getting any support for this?

No, it's interesting because I have like a process that I do and it's very internal. It's very like, I almost don't want other people to give me advice. Sure. Like I almost like don't, because it becomes overwhelming. And so for me, I often go, be at peace with yourself and just listen to your own mind and be like, okay, well why doesn't this sit well? What can you do? Like, so going through these last two weeks of embracing like my emotions up and down and not knowing, I was walking up the stairs the other day, literally, and something happened. And all of a sudden, I got this wave.

I don't know if you know how that feels.

Of course, I did. And I was walking up the stairs, and I got this wave of just freaking grief. And I was like, and I literally had to take a deep breath, and I had to, like, put my hand on my heart and just be like, what's happening to me right now? And I was like, it's okay. Like, even now I'm getting emotional because it's like that feeling of, like, and see, I would never do this. I would never get emotional if I hadn't done all this work. And so right now you see me in the real time being able to evolve and go, wow, just putting my hand on my heart and reminding me that it's okay, like, to be able to take that gasp of air where you can't believe, you know, that you can't breathe. It's okay.

Yeah, it's beautiful. I think another thing, you know, someone we're both admit Sarah Blakely. I've seen her be vulnerable and cry and open up in different settings and it's like you can be a powerful woman and build something very meaningful and impactful and also be emotionally agile, I say, and allow yourself to process. So not saying you need to cry all the time or anything like that, but I think it's powerful to be aware of it and be on that healing journey.

I mean, it's like your book, the last one you wrote is so amazing. I mean, it's going to the point that, you know, you have to always be tough and you always say, you know, people expect this of you, but what about the beauty that is emotion within a man? Absolutely. You know, and then how do we embrace the two? And so for me, it's the same, right? It's that, like, I've trained myself to be mentally strong for so long that I have to give myself the permission to be this soft, beautiful, warm-hearted person and be able to be freaking beast and crush it at work and have these dualities. And I think growing up for both of us, it was like we weren't allowed to be- no, it was just one way. -Yeah, it was just one. Yeah.

I'm glad you're on the journey. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. And I think that makes someone even more unique in the world. You know, Matthew Hussey talks about this in terms of relationship, where he's coaching women saying, you know, it's the person who's also smart and a little edgy, who's vulnerable and can be tough. It's not when you're vulnerable all the time or tough all the time, or someone creates long-term amazing attraction or abundance. It's like having the duality. I think you talked about it in your show as well. So I'm so happy you're doing that. This is a question I ask everyone towards the end. It's called the Three Truths. So I'd like you to imagine a hypothetical scenario. It's your last day on Earth many years away from now, you get to accomplish everything you want to accomplish, but you've lived a happy, healthy life. And for whatever reason, everything you've created's gotta go with you or to another place. So no one has access to your book, movies, work, content anymore, but you get to leave behind three things you know to be true, three lessons. What do you feel like your future self would leave behind as those three truths?

Confidence isn't the start to something. Confidence is the result of something. Number two, failure is the most amazing opportunity and if you don't respect yourself then no one else will. I don't actually know where that last one came from.

That was actually a surprise to me too.

That's good. I believe that.

If you don't have self-love, self-respect, then people are going to walk all over you. It's a powerful book. I'm really excited about this Radical Confidence, 10 no BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of youf Own Life. A lot of inspiring people have endorsed this. I've gone through it. I love the content, love the practicality. Radical Tips at the end of the chapters, really inspiring stories about your lessons of things you've talked about here, building quests, other things behind the scenes, which I think is really cool and where you're at now. So make sure you guys pick up a copy or two, give them to a few friends as well. Women of Impact, it's a powerful channel on YouTube, your Instagram, your social media is really inspiring, powerful. People can follow you there, lots of great content. RadicalConfidence.com for this, so you guys can go here or Lisa Billue on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook as well. How else can we be of support to you right now?

I think it really is just, I'm all about value add. So if the book brought value, if this interview brought value, share, tag, like that's really the biggest thing is that, you know, I just always think that none of us can create global impact alone, ever. And so I'm always like, what's my thing? So my thing is, if I can throw a pebble in the water and then it becomes this ripple that eventually creates a tsunami, my job is done. Yes. So I think of the book, my content as being the pebble. And if other people can go out and create those ripples, that would be so meaningful. I love that.

I love that. Well, Lisa, I want to acknowledge you for a moment for your journey. I think it's inspiring to see someone who set out in their life with a certain path and continues to evolve that path. and I acknowledge you for learning to love yourself and not shame yourself and not hold yourself back for shifting and evolving and innovating yourself from what you thought you were supposed to be to society standards or maybe family's pressures or even husband's pressures and evolving to going from that scale of a 1 to 10 from a 1 to where you are now, which seems like it's a lot higher and I'm assuming will always be evolving. So I really acknowledge you for leading by example, by talking about how you don't just become confident when you have a result. It's the competence of the act of failure, building yourself up where confidence comes from. So I think it's really inspiring that you're sharing this, that you've been building everything you've been building, and I'm so happy for you. So grateful for you. Yes.

Thank you for motivating me as well. You and just all of our my friends, you know, like my first time writing a book and so having people to support you, like, it's so freaking meaningful. And you always said, Louis, like, you got a book, you can come on. I'm coming on Louis, how? I have a book.

Yes, yeah. Well, you asked to come on, I think it was a year and a half ago or two years ago. Yeah. And it didn't feel like it was the right timing. I want to be like, you know, when you have your book, let's do something so there's a moment so we can make a bigger impact with that message.

Can we take a minute to talk about this?

Sure.

It's so powerful. So like as a friend, you motivated me. And it's like when people say no, it doesn't mean it's a reflection of how bad you are. Or maybe sometimes it is a reflection of how bad. Great, I can get better. And that's the thing is that how do I bring value to your audience? If I'm not there yet, Louis, I wouldn't want you to have me on. I like the motivation of, oh, how do I get so good that I gotta be on Louis it shows. Like, that's about me. That's not a you thing. How do I get so good? One of my favorite phrases, Steve Martin, the comedian, be so good they cannot ignore you. And it's the most empowering thing ever. And so for you, I've seen the guests you've brought on. You are an incredible human. And so to motivate me to be like, you go to book, you can come on. Like, it has to be the right time. It was a blessing. And I want people to really hear that because in moments where you reach out to somebody. So first of all, have the courage to reach out. Because if you don't, if you don't ask, the answer will always be no. So now, if you do ask and you get a no, ask yourself, is it a me thing? Is it a them thing? Or is it a not yet thing?

Right.

Because here's the thing, I just may never be right for your show and your audience. Okay, well no matter how good I get, if I'm not right, I'm not right. And now I may take that as an insult to me, but it's actually not. so now look at what are the things like is it a not yet? And so that was it, it's a not yet. Great. What do I have to do? What skill sets do I have to learn? What do I have to build? Because here's the thing, I don't want success given to me. I don't want it given to me. And that's like why I said with the book, like if the book brings value, then share it. Sure. That's my thing. So it's like for me to be on here for you to really think that bring value. That's a me thing. I've got to bring my A-game and I love that. So it was so powerful that you said that to me and I want people to think of that, moments like that. How can you not take it personally? How can you say their response is actually motivating to me? You know, take our friend Jamie Kern Lima. How many nos did she get all along the way she was trying to start her makeup company? so many nos. If she had let a no stop her, she wouldn't have built a company worth 1.2 billion dollars, and she wouldn't have sold it to L'Oreal, and she wouldn't have been the first female CEO in L'Oreal's history. If she took no as a reflection of her worth. So that wasn't my leaving powerful. Do not take no.

It's powerful. I think it's exciting. I think We should always, if we want something bad enough, or not saying you want to diss, but if you want something in general life, why don't.

You just diss bad enough, Louis?

Well, yeah, yeah. But if you want something in life bad enough, so you want to go whatever on the Today Show. Today Show is not, you gotta think about what does their audience want and are you at the level of where they want you to be to be able to promote someone like you, or is the timing off, or is it not the right season for them, 'cause they're in the news cycle of the war and they're not talking about something something else. So can't take things personally. You just got to think how can I build myself better? How can I improve or how can I grow and set myself up for the mission I'm on and then allow other people to talk about it when it's ready. So really excited for you, Radical Confidence. Make sure you guys pick up a few copies, share them with your friends. Leave some comments below if you're on YouTube right now. Tag Lisa when you're over on social media as well, of course, and follow her all over the place on social media. Final question for you. What's your definition of greatness?

Saying I'm going to get somewhere and do something and then actually doing it. So this question is very appropriate for me being here because I said, I'm gonna get on the Lewis Howes show. He will say yes to me one day. He will say yes to me. I'm gonna be so great, he cannot ignore me. And here I am. So I think the definition of greatness is saying you want something, asking yourself, how am I gonna get it? And be willing to put in the work. and practice my favorite movie, Karate Kid, wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off, and just keep practicing until you get so good that you can't be ignored.

Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple podcast as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.