Embrace GRATITUDE & Unleash a World of Positive Energy & Opportunities

If you're in a state of gratitude it makes total sense then you will accept believe and surrender the thoughts that are equal to that emotional state and you could actually program your autonomic nervous system to make the pharmacy of chemicals that causes growth and repair to happen in the body when people understand what they're doing and they understand why they're doing it the how it gets easier.

Welcome to the school of greatness my name is lewis howes a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to a to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness thanks for spending some time with me today now let the class begin the kia sportage turbo hybrid has a bold design a spacious interior with two hundred thirty two horsepower and a twelve point three inch panoramic display to keep the adventure going and fit with the way you live and with siriusxm every drive comes alive bringing you closer to the music the sports talk and podcasts that you love right in your vehicle or on the sirius xm app every siriusxm equipped kia sportage turbo hybrid includes a three month trial so the experience begins the moment you drive learn more at kia dot com sportage dash hybrid kia movement that inspires this message is brought to you by apple card apple card members can earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases wherever they shop this means you could be earning daily cash on just about anything like a slice of pizza from your local pizza place or a latte from the corner coffee shop apply for apple card in the wallet app to see your credit limit offer in minutes subject to credit approval apple card issued by goldman sachs bank usa salt lake city branch terms and more at applecard dot com the school of greatness is sponsored by capital one nowadays most people subscribe to everything music tv even dog food and it rocks until you have to manage it all which is where capital one comes in capital one credit card holders can easily track block or cancel reoccurring charges right from the capital one mobile app at no additional cost with one sign in you can manage all your subscriptions all in one place learn more at capital one dot com subscriptions terms and conditions apply welcome to this special masterclass we've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the the power of your life through this specific theme today it's going to be powerful so let's go ahead and dive in.

I promise you start giving start feeling grateful and then start practicing feeling gratitude teach your body just for fifteen minutes a day what it would like to feel feel gratitude what it'd be like and our data shows that you take someone do that for four days three times a day they make a immunoglobulin called immunoglobulin a it's your body's natural flu shot it's the greatest immune chemical we have fifty percent increase in the subjects we studied in four days immunoglobulin a up fifty percent in four days where is that chemistry coming from they're not taking anything it's coming from within.

Them right no supplements no injections no.

Topicals no no just their bodies their autonomic nervous system is manufacturing a pharmacy of chemicals that's causing an immunity to the body wow right so now a person practice feeling gratitude okay what is the emotional signature of gratitude when you receive something or you just receive something when something wonderful happened to you or something wonderful is happening to you you feel grateful yes so the emotional signature of gratitude is something just wonderful happened there's something something is happening you're in a state of receivership yes you've just received something right so the emotional signature of gratitude is received right so now if you're in a state of gratitude it makes total sense then you will accept believe and surrender the thoughts that are equal to that emotional state and you could actually program your autonomic nervous system to make the pharmacy of chemicals that causes growth and repair to happen in the body wow and that's exactly what we're discovering so then when people understand what they're doing and they understand why they're doing it the how gets easier so you can assign meaning to the task and switch on the prefrontal cortex and when you switch on that prefrontal cortex it wants to get an outcome it doesn't want to mess around it wants the outcome you're doing it for the outcome and that's kind of a strong intention and a change in energy or an emotional state and that's changing your state of being and when you change your state of being like that every day get ready because you're going to start having synchronicities and opportunities and coincidences and weird things start happening in your life to prove to you that you're actually the creator of your life instead of the victim of your.

Life absolutely gosh there's so much i want to unpack here one of them is you mentioned something around seventy five to ninety percent of people go into the doctor's office and it's based on an emotional imbalance that probably causes or influences them to be there right they might feel physical pain but it's based on an emotional state that they've been in for a long time that gets.

And a host of bad choices but.

A lot of it is emotional as a a baseline that's exactly correct you talked about frequency we talked about emotional signatures and we talked about identity and personality when i went to your advanced seven day experience when i went there you had an entire i don't know probably a few hour explanation about frequencies and energies the highest level frequency where we could be at to allow us to feel more abundant and peaceful and have balance and harmony to lower level frequencies that are going to cause us to feel more stress and anger and you know feel like we're in constant breakdown right and the higher the frequency we get to the more conscious we are the lower the frequency the more unconscious we are essentially i'm paraphrasing you know hours of research and science that you teach during this what is the lowest level of emotion that will keep us stuck in a non receivership a non abundant mentality and state and a place of pain versus the highest level of emotion that we could be in more frequently that'll allow us to feel more peace and harmony in our health but also in our life what are.

Those two opposite emotions okay i just want to finish the last thought about physical chemical and emotional stress that i want to answer that so if you're truly interested then in sustaining homeostasis and balance then you're going to have to self regulate yes and it would be wonderful and we're working we have this new program called the inter health coalition because we've had so many doctors so many researchers so many healthcare providers come through our events many of them heal themselves from all kinds of health conditions from spinal cord injuries to stage four cancers that really just want to really look to see how this model could actually fit into in their clinic and there's got to be a different conversation that can happen around health because chronic health conditions are created from a lifestyle and if you don't change your lifestyle nothing is going to change because nothing changes in our life until we change so then if then you would go to a practitioner where you could actually practice brain and heart coherence which is our formula get your brain feeling those elevated emotions sorry get your heart feeling those elevated emotions and then get your brain coherent and do the do the exercises to get your brain and body back into regulation into homeostasis and then the key element is not that you react i mean who doesn't react the.

Question is you're perfect doctor joe you.

Never react right the question is how long how long are you going to do that for i mean if you keep it going on then it must be an addiction because an addiction is something you think you can't stop or knowing something isn't good for you and you do it anyway that's when you know you're addicted right so then get the patient to really work on the emotional states that are keeping them and their body in the past it's so.

Hard for people i feel like right.

Yeah because because because up until recently there haven't been a whole lot of scientifically proven formulas or ways to teach people how to do that people by nature want to get over their emotional state they just been hypnotized they've been programmed they've been conditioned into using something outside of them to take away this feeling inside of them to numb the pain yeah it's nothing wrong with distract numb but you could you know you could go watch a movie or you know you could do this you can do that you can do do all these different things go out to dinner just just to make the feeling away but the problem is the feeling always comes back right and so now when the person reaches that point where they're saying nothing's making this feeling go away this is game time this is where the person's not responding to texts any longer they're not wanting to go to dinner with the same people they don't want to do the same things they don't want to watch the same tv show they want to get on the computer any longer this feeling is disturbing nothing's making it no drug no shopping spree no no sports car no nothing's making this feeling go away this is a key moment right because now the person is going to start to realize that no one or nothing in their life is going to make this feeling go away but them right and this is the key moment this is where the person really decides to change this is the because they can see themselves for the first time because they no longer feel like themselves they're no longer distracted by that they can see how they think they can notice how they've been acting and decide oh my god i don't want to do that anymore the choices they've made or the experiences they just want to no longer do and the feelings that they no longer want to feel right and they start breaking their emotional agreements with everybody and everything in their life and people really get worried because they're no longer predictable they're not showing up as the memory of themselves right so what do you do you medicate them the person's depressed you know they're a midlife crisis but really it's the soul saying there's a future and you may not know what it is you can't go back to that right you just can't go back any longer you can't you already know you can predict everything that's going to happen you got to start you got to start saying no or you got to start looking deep or you got to start changing and this is where it's so important for people then to understand that this is not a bad thing this is actually a good thing it just doesn't feel good any longer because you're ready to change right so this is what we should be naturally doing so when the person says oh my god i want to feel something else in my life than this okay i'm going to watch how i respond to my coworker i'm going to re watch how i respond to my own thoughts when did i default today and return back to the old self and they get really serious about looking closely at how they can change the way they think act and feel and we have so many testimonials of people that were diagnosed with chronic health conditions and they got themselves in their meditations back into elevated emotional states and and change their energy and change their frequency we'll get to that but then they get up from their meditation and they spend the next fifteen hours in in fear and frustration why is that though because they went unconscious they defaulted so you got got to get so good at doing it with your eyes closed you got to start doing it with your eyes open oh man and that's the.

Big game that's the game that is.

The game that is the game that is the game right because this is the plane of demonstration you got to demonstrate so you gotta you gotta start that's why the walking meditations are so important in our work because you gotta walk as it if you're gonna be relaxed in your heart and awake in your brain you better do it with your eyes open so let's practice with our eyes no other way to do it you want to get so good at it that you can do it in the most adverse situations that's you know when you own it right so then the person then realized that she had to watch her response to her ex she had to watch her response to her bank account she had to watch her response to the news or all of those things she didn't no drug no surgery no chemo no radiation no diet no supplements were taking her health condition away until she realized i had to change right so now she noticed doing her meditations her pain levels went down she noticed she was sleeping better she noticed she had more energy but her values for that health condition were still the same and she said it's not that this doesn't work she wasn't doing her meditations any longer to heal she was doing her meditations to change and so then she'd say okay what do i want to believe today what thought do i want to fire and wire in my brain let me remember it i got to keep remembering it so i don't forget to think this way and a belief is just a thought you keep thinking over and over again so she wanted to hardwire that in her brain she wanted that to be a new voice in her.

Head because thoughts that wire together fire.

Together and wire together right so then how am i going to behave closing your eyes and rehearsing how you're going to be with your ex and literally think there's got to be another way to be i can't respond the way i have respond it's only weakening me i got to change my state okay i'm going to be loving let me rehearse it mental rehearsal if you keep doing it rehearsing yourself in a scene planning your behaviors your brain will look like you already did it and if you keep doing it it's going to become more automatic it's going to become like a software program so the brain looks like the experience has already happened and now you have hardware and software in place to use when you're with your ex because you installed it right so now you're doing the meditation to remind yourself who you no longer want to be and remind yourself who you do want to be so now okay the person's now behaves that way and now her response to her ex is different evolution that day and the body's no longer brought back to the past and she does it once and she wants to do it again she wants to get better at it and she starts healing and she says i got to stay in this emotional state i don't care who it is or what it is let me close my eyes i'm going to feel this emotion a hundred times if i have to just so that i can feel it so many times that i can bring it up whenever i want now they're becoming familiar with a new state of being right and when you feel the emotion of your future before it happens you'll always believe in that future wow and if you feel the emotion that keeps you connecting in your past you'll believe in your past and that's just the way it is and then you return back to the same self your same biology thinking the same thoughts making the same choices doing the same things creating the same experiences feeling the same emotions in your biology your neurocircuitry your neurochemistry your hormones your gene expression all stays the same because you just return back to the same okay so we said seven days take a group of people is what i said to the scientists at university of california san diego seven days the biology stays the same this and they all agreed i said give people new information combine quantum physics with neuroscience with neuroendocrinology with psychoneuroimmunology with epigenetics with electromagnetism build models of understanding get people to learn new information they're gonna have new thoughts now give them the instruction so they can make a new choice they can do a new thing they can create a new experience that they can feel a new emotion will their biology change in seven days lo and behold the change way greater than we ever expected novice meditators people who never came to a week long event never really meditated that much the novice meditators seven days their biology at the end of seven days looked like they were living in a whole new life and it wasn't you know twenty percent or ten percent it was the majority of the collective now all of those people have different genomes different genotypes and they're all different cultures different races different ages but when we look at the biology of gene expression they're signaling the same genes they're making the same proteins the collective the herd the flock.

The.

School of fish there's an emergent biology that's changing collectively the probability of that happening is it's insanely minimal let me just say that so then think differently make a different choice do a different thing create a new experience feel new emotion keep doing that your biology will change and that's exactly how people heal so the emotions that keep us i would say in our more limited animal a million human state have everything to do with anger and aggression fear and anxiety and suffering and pain and guilt and shame and you know our was that man does that mean all of those those are your think of a think as energy as emotion so those emotions should should ultimately be retired as wisdom because the memory without the emotional charge is wisdom and and now the game is over and you're ready for a new experience and you can't go to the future holding on to the emotion of the past right so you got to overcome that emotional state so then you start feeling gratitude you start feeling more gratitude you start feeling love you start feeling more love you start feeling kindness you start feeling care you start feeling appreciation you start feeling creative you start feeling inspired you practice feeling those emotions and you get that heart of yours back into balance we discover that once energy makes it to the heart it's going right to the brain and it's gonna go straight up and it's gonna tell the brain in that moment the heart is the creative center it's safe to create and the person moves out of survival and the brain like grabbing a big sheet and going like that creates a wave of energy right to the brain coherent energy of the brain and the brain goes into a creative alpha state and the brain is getting information the heart is informing the brain think of something new think of a new possibility it's a creative state and the person starts seeing pictures and images well keep sustaining that relaxed in your heart and awake in your brain we see how long people can hang with that we got the brain and heart hooked up together and then here it comes you start seeing resonance taking place there's waves riding waves and faster waves building on waves so delta the base is carrying theta but it's a harmonic and theta is carrying alpha and alpha is carrying beta beta is carrying high beta and high beta is going in the gamma and then when that occurs the person is feeling ecstasy there's an arousal an arousal taking place in the nervous system but the arousal isn't fearful it's not fear it's not anger it's not pain that's typically what creates an arousal the arousal is ecstasy so the person is feeling wholeness they're feeling connected they're feeling aware they're super conscious the brain is no longer in discoherence the brain is in resonance there's waves carrying waves there's harmonics there's order within order there's patterns within patterns nested observer windows the brain is functioning mathematically and so you see that happening and you ask the person from their subjective experience how did that feel they say i felt so whole i felt such bliss i felt such connection i felt such pure love i no longer wanted anything i no longer it's impossible to want when you're in that state no.

Desire is for something because you're not.

In lack there's no you're in wholeness the exact opposite and that's the place to create from not from lack because lack means i'm going to wait for that thing to happen out there to take away the lack of separation from not having it right this is like your body's believing it's already in that future and that's exactly what we discovered at the end of seven days people move into that state and they're they're making thousands of metabolites information is in their blood at the end of seven days it wasn't there before and they're not taking any exogenous substance they're not changing their diet it's coming from within them so then the person who starts feeling wholeness it gets very difficult to describe those emotions that's inevitable i mean we ask people what what was it and they just they just well up in tears and they say i don't know it's the most familiar unfamiliar feeling i've ever had like i'm remembering what i forgot like i forgot that i'm this i am pure love i am i am this you know and i think when we have those experiences at least when i've had those experiences i think the takeaway is that it didn't come from out there from anyone or anything it came from within me and i think that's the real fundamental moment where people stop looking outside of them it's always been within them and that relationship that they develop okay yeah we all take hard knocks during our lives and we all have stressors in our life and we're all trying to do as much as we can and you know walk the tightrope but but a person who every single day says i'm not going to get up from my meditation until i absolutely feel like i'm i'm that person man it's a very different game because people say why do you do your meditations in the morning i say because if i can overcome me the rest of my day is.

Easy.

So you know on the path that i'm kind that i've kind of chosen you know it's it's it's been interesting living in this in this atmosphere that is so kind of inundated with with that vibe but then trying to see through it and honor yourself and do what's good for you what's healthy for you and your family a son helps yeah kids help keeps you grounded it keeps grounded and humble because they don't really care who you are how cute you look what roles you got or whatever you know what i mean you can have really fresh jordans and a nice ride but if they have.

A you're not feeding them they have.

A fit in the middle of whole foods they don't really give a so exactly so that's cool so they help but you know you know i'll be in the movie theater and i'll be looking at the next anthony man anthony oh he's another one too really really good anthony mackie film and i have that little twinge of oh should i be on this poster and am i are people thinking i'm not relevant because i'm on a tv show but then i have to tell myself i'm happy you know and would i be you know would i be happy being the next you know black spider man or whatever maybe but as months away from the kid and my bones my knees i don't know if i could be do all those stunts right you know it's a young man's game so and you know it's tough to do all that and then try to give back do you know what i mean for me so you know that's probably the struggle because there's still that little there's still that young taye diggs that fighter you know the flame in my eye that still wants to you know i still want to get an oscar i still love the publicity and whatnot so i guess that's that's that's probably the biggest challenge is keeping myself keeping myself grounded realizing what what is real yeah do you know what i mean because if you let that stuff take you over the hype it will take you over yeah and i don't want to.

It'S unfulfilling probably yeah man yeah at.

The end of the day you know my son he fulfills me you know what i mean you know reading it sounds so corny but you know being in being the lead of a movie is great but but you know when you read read to children and you're affecting lives like that you know that doesn't go away yeah you know what i mean you know kids like if i had written you know where the wild things are do you know what i mean legacy right there i mean that doesn't go away people will forget if i'm spider man yeah you know i mean no matter how much that the opening weekend is people forget real quick too quick you know what i.

Mean especially if you haven't done anything.

In two three years you know what i mean and it's really not fair it's really not fair especially you know as an african american actor people are making history and it's just getting overlooked do you know what i mean so i'm cool i'm cool the school of.

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Oh it's just my my son's health you know when you when you have a child it's it's the most vulnerable thing yeah it's crazy so you know i just try to put that out of my head and just stay positive because if i think about what my life would be without him or if something awful happened to him i don't even know so that's that's that's an easy question to answer yeah yeah because.

You really don't have control for something.

Like you have to chop i'm choosing to believe i do i'm willing it so but at the end of the day you know yeah so i just try to stay positive and keep him in my prayers i hear you in.

The i mean you're around a lot of actors all the time do you feel like self love is something that actors need more of one hundred i.

Think the world needs more of it.

Yeah yeah one hundred percent what do you think how do you practice self love yourself and what would you how would you give back to people listening who are maybe struggling or trying to figure out you know their worth in the world whether it be in a relationship career anything what's some ways you can practice what's not building your ego too much but it's like the fulfilling.

Self love you know sure sure i think i think it manifests itself differently in different and different people you know like for me with talent you know i didn't have an issue because people were always there telling me how that i had something you know it had to deal with for me deserving the pretty girl or deserving to be in a conversation you know so i think at the end of the day.

It'S.

Tough man it's one of the hardest i think it could be one of the hardest things to do which is just convince yourself that you are worth it just you who you are not and not comparing yourself or putting yourself in a context because it's so easy to say oh am i as intelligent as this person and then looking at what you have you know to offer in terms of intelligence because it's not about that because that can easily be taken away or you cannot have it so you have to find who you are as a person regardless of everything else and everyone else around you and just be cool with that and let that power you so that no matter how great how handsome how talented no matter how whatever it is you are you can you consider yourself more than enough yeah and in this world that's based on all of that other sh t it's really tough to do because we're here and the first thing we ask ourselves you know what what do i have to offer what makes me different what makes me special so that's that's where i think the difficulty comes.

In do you have a practice that you do like every morning to help.

You get ready for the day or a ritual or routine yes i do it just changes every three days you know what i mean because i'm still i'm still on that tip of what works so if i if i like meditate for twenty minutes and then i have a great day for the next week i'll meditate and then until i have a sucky day and then i'll try something else but you know you know it's tough to not be result oriented you know growing up an actor and dealing with sports but for me it's having a practice and something that kind of forces you to be outside yourself and then realize that there's something more i think whatever that is i feel like you're pretty good if if you can focus on that that being one of the things you know and then afterwards then actually focusing on yourself so that you can allow yourself to focus more on other people you know what i mean sure sure it's tough man yeah it's tough this cycle of life is the most difficult just because i'm the most aware and at the same time with being split and a divorce and a single father i have the most i've got a full plate so every once in a while i'll feel sorry for myself just because i just feel like i'm working constantly trying to be a good person trying to be a good father trying to take the high road trying to be more mindful trying to be more forgiving and sometimes i want to say let me i mean sometimes i do i just came from vegas you said it that whole weekend and i was pretty unmindful and sure sure you know what i mean but i can't wait till i get to the point where you know i don't have to binge you know where i can just it can just be life and that can just be where i chill out as opposed to kind of winding it up winding it up and feeling like i have to unwind to the point where it's alcohol and girls and dancing and clubs i still got a little bit of that in me so you got the young taye diggs in you you know because i never it's so many things i never got to do that as a young man i grew up really really religious and then came into success quick and then got married quick working all the time just focusing you know what i mean yeah yeah and then was really judgmental with you know oh these people you're a bad person if you do this and slowly i started to open up my eyes and started to experiment with stuff and you know clubs are fun drinking can be fun you know what i mean girls can be fun so i'm coming off that train now but every once in a while it's still fun to just go a.

Little crazy sure what are the non.

Negotiables for you like everybody day that you're like i have to do this every day no matter what or i'm gonna maybe it's not meditate but i'm gonna eat a certain way i'm going to think a certain thing i'm going.

To it's one of those things it's either working out well you know what to be honest i force myself to think of others and kind of walk walk a path of trying to love you know what i mean as corny as that sounds trying empathy you know what i mean empathy is what it is every day i'm forcing myself to try to see if somebody rubs me the wrong way if somebody does something whether it be to me or to someone else or if someone comes to me and asks some advice i force myself to try you know to say something that will kind of throw a positive spin on something and not go the negative route yeah you know i feel good about that i feel good about myself yeah when it comes to that that's something i'm pretty diligent in.

I think doing there's a lot of young actors and people writers people in an entertainment world that i know listen to this if you could say that there's like the mistakes that a lot of actors make and the things that they do well what would be like the top two or three things that you think if you're a young actor writer trying to make it in this world what should they really be focusing on what and what is holding them.

Back that you see you know what i was thinking of writing a book that you know was kind of are grounded in humor that that has to do with with what is going to be like the you know the actor's handbook to becoming famous because it's a cliche you know it's like there's a young person that's got all this talent you know maybe they start out doing plays then they do a play they win award then they get the card to come to hollywood you know then they do the whole hollywood thing and it really you know chews them up they date a celebrity lady get married the drugs the strip clubs this that and then they fall out fall go to rehab and then pick this role and then get nominated for an oscar so part of me thinks that it's pretty you know you just need to stay grounded and to keep focused and to kind of not fall prey have someone have your back do you know what i mean but then you know but then you don't get you know sometimes i think you need to get roughed up you need you need experiences so that so that things mean something you know like all the that i've been through i've been through it so now i know yeah for a minute i was living in great life i thought i was you know a good person and kind but i didn't know you know i mean i didn't know what people meant i didn't know what it was like to struggle to a certain extent and until i did you know the world didn't open up you know you need experiences no matter what i'm not telling everybody to get addicted to drugs and spend a hundred thousand dollars you know strip club but you know you know everybody has their own kind of path so you know i don't want people to end up killing themselves but i think it's good that people you know experience some friction what.

Does that mean that they should just be constantly going out putting themselves out to bigger roles or bigger opportunities and failing essentially or getting said no to.

I think people should follow their instincts you know i truly do i mean i could sit here and say you know be focused and stay out of trouble and you know i think at a young age if people can realize that there's something outside of themselves that there's a greater energy you know i don't think you can go wrong there but you know people living their lives and having their own experiences i think it's you know it bodes well for them you know being selfish you know all of that you know think thinking of others you know what i mean do you do you but think but think of others and and and just.

Go for it go hard yeah tiffany wanted me to ask you a question and she said what was it like.

To work with i'm not answering tiffany tiffany you don't know me in private.

Practice you worked with shonda rhimes right yeah and she's a big fan of her she's reading her book right now.

So are you me too she wanted to know something about yes or something what is it the year the year.

Of yes so she wanted to know what was it like working with her she's it's a big inspiration for her in the entertainment world oh man well.

That was when yeah that was a cr i was i had my my kid when i was on her show that was that was that was a time in my life you know time and time again i feel like i've been blessed and then you know the thing about this being human being an actor being in la really really amazing things can happen to you and then you can forget and then have fear and doubt and i swear to god actors have the you know we have the shortest just memories you know things can be so so bad you know and then we can say all i need is this job and you know once i get this gig and once i get this card and i'll be fine then we get the gig in the car and we're just complaining about what it's like to be in that car and in that gig really we for oh man i mean actors are awful we're awful people okay we're so you know we want for free and right if the car's not here at the minute and the cable's not i mean you know if i'm not on this magazine color and oh dude and and we we come from nothing you know so it's not you would think we would be the most appreciative group on the planet and instead it's the.

Opposite you're getting the most attention oh.

Giving the most recognition you know what i mean on the red carpet just frowning because somebody else you know went before you really when you just got dropped off in your limo or the car doesn't come on time you're wearing.

A ten thousand dollars outfit you know.

What i mean totally i'm sitting next.

To sitting here next to sandra bullock i was supposed to be before her oh my god come on man but you get caught up in it yeah see i got caught up in that what was the question oh shonda rhimes so i was on a gig where i was like all right this next thing i want to shoot a gun so i was on a show where i was shooting a gun and then you know doing stunts and being the tough guy and so that ended and then i thought to myself you know what i would love to be on a show like like grey's anatomy you know shonda rhimes i could just you know really act and have those amazing monologues and wear a suit and and the next thing i know she called me in and she's like i'm this new there was this new show i'm cut you know i'm creating with with kate walsh and it's a spin off and and i was like that's this is a dream come true you know you really can manifest some some some stuff and she was just she was just wonderful i don't know how i can only assume that everybody else had the experience that i had but i don't know if it was because i was black or you know a young man but i really felt like she was looking out for me you know we'd have you know meetings about the character and i could tell that she was very protective of the character i played and you know unfortunately in this time in this era when it comes to african american roles you have to set a precedent just so you don't have to but if you want to make a difference you need to set down some ground rules so that people don't get it twisted so with that character you could look at my character as you know a professional black man and you know know okay not all black people take drugs not all black people just not all black people are irresponsible gangs or whatever she didn't make him like he was just a good dude through and through so that that character was there and you couldn't do anything about it and that was proof that black people like this exist yeah and i'm i'm thankful for that she's a she's a monster man she's just killing it right and it's just so exciting it's it just tickles me so.

Big lesson you learned from her working with her what was what was that.

To go for it you know somebody i don't know she's she's just did it you know she had the audacity you know to think that she could do and she's doing it so producing.

Like five or ten shows why not shows on tv or whatever if you.

Would have told me that somebody was going to do that i would have laughed in your face and said why don't you just chill with one right like be cool you know what i mean what makes you think that they're going to open the door for you and she was like it i'm i'm i'm kicking this door down and i'm going to be really good at it wow you know so amazing yeah it really is that's really cool i mean this is i didn't think i knew stuff like this was going to go down but i didn't think it would happen this fast with you know a black president and then people like like shonda rhimes just and and people have just gone so far beyond you know my expectations you know my mother used to say make sure you can do everything better than they can whoever it is and all of these people i think came from that school where it's like you be so great that they cannot deny you.

What do you say to people who are in those situations that are struggling to choose happiness because it just feels like there's so much chaos in their life well first of.

All i acknowledge the chaos and i think it's important that we don't give some false perception that when life is hard that we can't acknowledge that it is hard i have been there like i remember when i got out of depression you know i had a suicide attempt and then i became a father of two quickly of you know my kids were ten and seven and i did not know how to parent i didn't have no money i was choosing whether i gave my kids gas money i mean gave my kids lunch money or putting gas in my car and things were difficult the relationship that i was in was bad it was unhealthy and so i understand all of that list you just said and back then i didn't choose happiness because of course like you just expressed you don't know how you know when there is darkness around you you it is very difficult to see it and i acknowledge that and so i will i don't want somebody to feel alone and being like well maybe i'm just because you'll end up getting into a cycle being harder on yourself and you start beating yourself up because the world is beating you up and in that moment what i did is realize i get to say that this is the world this is the world that the circumstances i was born into or situation that i found myself in because of choices i didn't know the first way i used to choose happiness is i used to say something there was a song and i wish i could remember the artist's name she'd say i'm a young soul i came to this strange you know that.

Song yeah yeah i don't know the lyrics but i know yeah i don't.

Remember who that was but i used to give myself some grace and i would say you're a young soul you don't know you didn't know and that one statement that came from that song gave me just a bit to see that i could choose happiness because of the fact that i realized i didn't know this all so now i know i'm a young soul i didn't know it so okay so these things are happening what can i learn from each of them and when i say what can i learn from each of them was my next step of saying learning is me choosing happiness in this moment so i think we have to understand how to define happiness in our darkest moments or redefine happiness so that way you can then feel better because learning for me acknowledging that i was young soul and i wasn't supposed to know everything was made me just a little happiness it was a redefinition me then deciding to learn how to i remember the first book i got on how to be a better parent i was like i'm so happy right now because i'm taking a step to learn yes you're getting a tool i'm getting a tool back to that little triangle i'm getting a tool and that tool for.

Me made me happy are you ready to finally hit your target nutrient levels every day meet groons the daily snack pack of gummies isn't just a multivitamin it's not just a green gummy and it's not just a prebiotic it's all of that rolled into one and then some at a fraction of the price and they taste great here's what makes them stand out while most multivitamins only cover seven to nine vitamins grooms bring together over twenty vitamins and minerals plus more than sixty nutrient dense whole food ingredients and those ingredients are known to support things like gut health energy immunity recovery cognition and even beauty because it's in gummy form your body has an easier time time absorbing it also we have packs in our studio and they've been a game changer for everyone in the studio we've run out so quickly no powders no handfuls of pills just a pack of tasty gummies and a fueling my body with the nutrients it needs use code greatness at groons co to save up to fifty two percent off your first order that's code greatness at gruns co for up to fifty two percent off this show is sponsored by betterhelp and you know the holidays can feel a lot like balancing family expectations travel work and trying to make everything perfect it's easy to forget to take care of yourself in the middle of it all i've been there and what i've learned is that when you don't make space to slow down it's hard to actually enjoy the moments that matter most that's why better help is encouraging you to rewrite your traditions this season by making time for you incorporating therapy into your routine can help you pause reflect stay grounded during what can be joyful but sometimes hectic or even lonely time of the year the holidays look different for everyone maybe it's baking your great aunt's sweet potato pie or maybe it's starting something new like a quiet night with friends therapy can be one of those new traditions too better help matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences and if it's not the right fit you can switch anytime this december start a new tradition by taking care of you our listeners get ten percent off at better help dot com louis that's better h e l p dot com louis.

So i just spent the next couple of years of redefining over and over again what happiness looked like in the moment i was in and i think if more people can do that instead of looking at happiness is supposed to be on the beach happiness is you know smiling kids i don't know what happiness is supposed to be for you because like some days i'm like okay these kids just got out of school went to school on time you know like i didn't get a call from a teacher i am happy like i redefine happiness to that that milestone and then later on i was like oh my gosh now i'm working on my career and i'm doing this and and then i redefine happiness again so i think the redefining happiness for you in wherever you are is it's going to be a helpful tool of like you said practicing that gratitude and recognizing happiness.

Speaking about your kids what's been the greatest lesson that your kids have taught.

You they don't teach me anything i'm joking i mean it's a million things they teach me my son's making me better communicator my kids are the best mirror for me if i allow it and that's a big thing because a lot of parents don't allow it they don't allow their kids to be the mirrors that they need and it wasn't even sometimes with the words they said you know i worked in social services for many years and i remember just coming home and being impatient because i was so stressed from work and my kids problems just seem so small and there's nothing like being like you know what just look at all you have be be happy for what you have saying that to a child and them looking at you like like what did i do that you learned really quickly like wow i'm being impatient to your young life of course you don't know what's going on in the world so this is your world and they're a young soul yeah you're a young soul this is your world and you're in your world this is a big problem for you and so i have to have empathy towards that it may not.

Be a problem for you because you overcame it twenty years prior in twenty.

Years prior and so with them they just taught me like be introspective in that way like you know i watched this youtube video today where this guy was in a mall and he was being interviewed by some youtube youtuber you know tick tocker and someone walked past them in the camera and the guy who was interviewing said look look at this look he just walked he so wouldn't he walk past us while we're filming and the other guy speaking to him said well maybe we don't look at as he's being malicious maybe he's in his head because something just happened and maybe like we have to just understand that like he's a human being going through a lot of stuff and maybe he's just unaware like many of us are unaware as we walk through this world and like and it's like wow and my kids did that for me the same perspective he gave my kids gave me that to me so when i'm talking to someone i always stop myself and i say they're going through their own stuff so right now i need to be empathy empathetic to where they're at and i'm not going to be impatient because they're not growing at the pace that i want them to grow at or i'm not going to have this expectation of where they should be or what they should know because i assume that they should know it and my kids definitely taught me that and that came from me just looking at my how i reacted to them realizing that i need to react in better to them and i need to react better to the world around.

Me wow one of the big challenges i see a lot of people face with is figuring out relationships in general but typically intimate relationships yeah and i know you coach a lot of people on your talk show and also on queer eye you guys work with people in their relationships in their intimacy and how to really become better human beings why do you think people struggle so much in intimacy and i know you and i have struggled in our past.

Yeah we talked about it beforehand yeah.

But why do you think it's so challenging just for a lot of people to create like harmony peace in a relationship not a perfection most people don't.

Have the models of it and the models were given you know is so dated i mean like people have said this a million times over but like think about it as kids you know as much as i love the new disney movie haley berry is halle berry is or haley bailey is just killing it i'm like the first model we gave to little girls was like give up your voice for a man you know like we like drop a shoe behind you know i mean like i remember the first time i went to a guy's house and i left something behind it was like that's toxic and i did that because yo cinderella told me girl you leave a shoe behind he gonna come find you he's gonna invite you back and it's not true.

Or beauty and the beast let me make you a prisoner let me make.

You a prisoner let me abuse you abuse you and then have you fall in love with me fall in love with me i mean come on and so we don't most of us don't have the right models we never got em we might not have seen it in our home and if we did see it in our home where it was really healthy most of the times our parents didn't really tell us the struggles because every relationship has issues and the ones that are perfect have stayed together for forty years fifty years usually aren't as transparent as they need to be about the struggles they had i remember michelle obama you know a couple months back got in trouble because she had said she's been with barack for thirty years and ten of them were bad and she said i'll take those odds and a lot of people were like what you're taking ten odds and she wasn't saying ten consecutive years of like i'm being abused she was saying within that there are a lot of times that you have to work a little bit harder and you have to communicate a little bit better and i think most of us don't have the models so for me what i've started doing now to have healthy relationships is from day one date one and this is the cute thing you should do.

Day one or date one day one.

Or date one i say to my partner the five things or the person i'm talking to the five things that i think i need in this moment to have a healthy relationship and i asked them what are the five things.

They need what are those five things.

For you oh i need communication i need sensitivity sensitivity slash empathy i need adventure i need sexuality and sensuality i need a lot of that and i need a lot of vulnerability which is different than the sensitivity empathy for me and those things right there it's like let's just get this out the way do you understand what those five things mean and if you don't i can give you some time to explain what those things are so when i say i need adventure it doesn't mean that i'm trying to we need to be jumping out of planes every weekend but it does mean at least once a month we need to be a priority and we need to find something that's out of our everyday life to do together because i don't ever want to get into a routine with you when i see say that i need communication that means that in the hardest moments of our life i need to know that you're not going to walk away that you're going to talk to me it doesn't mean that i can't give you space to cool off or to you know get your time but even that is a little bit of a deeper conversation of like what is that space and time and i think too many people go through the happiness and the joy and like oh the excitement and the endorphins of it all and then when those moments come you have no baseline to say well i told you these were what i needed and i don't know what you need either because you never told me what are the things that are important to you because i think the more you can be honest and transparent about what you need and not being like well i need somebody you know money and i need like no like because it's really more of that emotional and mental thing that you need that when the hardest moments is going to what's going to make you or break you yes can you be sensitive to me being sensitive that's a big thing for me because i'm a scorpio and i'm sensitive as hell you say the wrong thing and i'm like i'm like hold on i'm over it you know right now and like i'm like hold on do i strike back or do i do i go into like cry right now i don't know and so can you be sensitive to that is that too much for you and i think that if more people could have those conversations from day one to create a foundation and understand that those things could change and you got to check back in on those things yeah because in three years that might not be what i need anymore and it might not be your list might not be what you need but are you really having those conversations and if you're already deep into a relationship and you see that there's areas that you know you need to work on go back to the basics and say what are the five things you need what are the five things that you need that are going to make you feel because like sexual you know sensuality and sexuality and that stuff for me a lot of people get older and or even young relationships and it starts to become not a priority for one partner or for both and that could break people up right or make them start to cheat so we have to come back together and reengage like what is the level of sexual intimacy that you need so we stay connected.

Yeah so you you come to these five things day one this is what.

You did with your current partner day one now i told you the day me and my partner met i thought it was a booty call yeah and then we spent eight hours together not even a single drip talking and that was on the list of things we.

Talked that's one of these you talk.

He told me his bank account on.

The first night wait the number to log in or how much he had.

In the bank account he showed me his bank account wow and it wasn't something that was like i'm showing off it was we were having conversation about financial stability i think that's so important.

To talk about all the maybe it's not day one for everyone in every like dating experience but i think it is so important why can't it be.

Day one let's let's have our conversation.

Why can't it be i agree because this is what i did with with martha my girlfri right the first day we had a lot of these conversations and one of the things that we talked about was priorities this wasn't day one but this was pretty quick within our dating experience before we got committed exclusive she was like what are your priorities in life yeah the old priorities question that every man gets eventually right and i said are you sure you want to hear the truth yeah because in the past i felt like i had to skirt around the truth because there would be triggers or fear or reactions i said are you sure you want to hear it she said yes i go you may not like what i'm about to say and you may not want to hang out with me anymore so just be aware you're asking for this yeah she said what is it and i said my number one priority is not you if we get into this committed relationship and no woman wants to hear or no other partner wants to hear you're not number one now there's context around this yes of course my number one priority is my health my spiritual emotional physical health yes because if i have bad health i'm not going to be good for you so for me that's why my health is my top priority so that i can be of service to my number two priority which is still not you doesn't mean you're not a top priority but the number two priority at this season of my life is my mission my purpose what i feel like i'm called to do at this season yes and that is what i'm up to currently and it doesn't mean i'm going to neglect you i'm not going to have time for you but you need to make sure that you don't pull me from my mission that you support me and elevate me in being of service to my mission because it's important to me and if i feel like i'm pulled from it then i'm probably to resent the relationship but if you are a full alignment that my number one and number two priorities and what they are you're going to feel like the biggest priority in the world you're going to feel like number one you're going to you're going to be have more time for me than ever before you're going to get the best of me and you're going to have everything.

You want let me tell you something this is why i was listening to you every morning for a year let me tell you something you ever been to a black church did you come to a black church and come and drop this knowledge because you just the pastor just came out in you that is amazing but i think you know.

Either i was attracting certain people or that weren't able to hear it with the context yes again most people don't want to hear i'm entering a relationship and you're not going to be my number one or two priority but it's again building the context around it make sure that you let you support me in going to the gym doing therapy doing things to support my growth you support me in my mission you push me to go do it and i'm going to give you all of me.

So we are in line to what we're doing we immediately told our partners what we need and then there from there it starts to expand i would tell you to stop prefacing with you might not like this right because that you're you're already setting them up for something that you're you're unconsciously telling them and it's like they should like this and they should then learn from it she loves that's why you're together right.

Away she goes yes she told me like yes because she goes every person i've been with didn't have a purpose maybe they had some skill or something they were doing but they didn't love it yeah they weren't fully invested in their mission in life and they made her their purpose is what she told me that they're like you're my purpose she was like no i don't want that yeah i want you to go do your thing and then we can do things together amen and so you know she's on she was on a healing journey so she was more conscious in that way that she wasn't insecure if her partner was out in the world doing their thing so but i think having those conversations like we did early on for me has set me up for a lot more peace and harmony yeah again there's there's there's misunderstandings and we got to go through stuff all the time but it's harmonious in those misunderstandings i have to go reevaluate.

My list because i'm gonna have to tell carlos my my new number one carlos is me i'm too codependent for.

That it's not happening it's not about.

Like me no no i'm messing with you i'm messing with you but no i i joke because i actually think it's beautiful and i think it's something that should be taught more and i think i unconsciously know how to do that already but i think the language that you provide in that is what is why why is this that amen more people need to hear that is because that is such a powerful thing to be able to admit to someone else that my health and who i am is a priority and i think it's beautiful because it just sets the tone and you and i now are in a healthy relationship you know we're both praying that we continue to grow with this person the people that we're with but at least it's healthy where we're at because of the fact that we made the choice to be honest and direct about what our foundation is.

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