Forgiveness, Finding Real Love & Setting Expectations w/Stephan Speaks (PART 2) EP 1115

This is episode number 1115 with Stephon Speaks.

Welcome to the School of Greatness.

My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Mike Murdock said, each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you. And Mr. Rogers said, love is at the root of everything. All learning, all parenting, all relationships, love or lack there of it. My guest today is Stefan Lebosier, also known as Stefan speaks and as a certified relationship coach, speaker and author. He helps both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships. Stefan empowers millions to charge of the difficult situations standing in the way of the life and the love that they seek and to make impactful changes on a daily basis. And he's written an amazing book called Love After Heartbreak. And the first volume is all about helping you self-heal finding inner peace and true happiness. And I've had stuff on on multiple times in the past. They're all Mega Hits, so make sure to check them out in the show notes if you enjoyed this episode and.

You want to hear more.

Also, this is the second part of a part two conversation, so if you haven't checked out part one yet, you can do so by checking out the previous episode on on Apple or Spotify or going to lewishouse.com/1114 and make sure you check that out as well because it will blow you away. And in this episode, we discuss the importance of forgiveness in our relationships and why people find it so hard to do so. The three things you should do to know if you have a connection with someone that you're dating. How to know if you're staying in the wrong relationship. And I know this is something that a lot of people want to know who go through many ups and downs. Is this the wrong relationship? Why Stephon doesn't believe in setting expectations in relationships and so much more. If you enjoy this, make sure to spread the message of greatness. Text a few friends, post it on social media, and also subscribe to the School of Greatness over on Apple podcast right now or on Spotify. So you stay up to date with the latest in greatness on the School of Greatness. Okay, in just a moment, the one.

And only Stefan speaks. Let's say, okay, I did step one. I wrote the list. I started writing letters. I sent some of these letters out, but I'm still not I'm still feeling triggered, I'm still don't feel healed. Is there more steps to...

Yes.

Healing 101 or is it just now is the time?

No, so the other part I mentioned earlier was forgiveness, all right. Forgiveness is a huge part but what people have to understand with forgiveness is forgiveness isn't a snap of the finger thing, all right. Meaning, you could do all of this you can say I forgive them, I'm good, I'm moving forward. and like you said, two, three weeks later something happens and you're triggered.

You got to keep forgiving.

Exactly, forgive. In that moment you have to stop yourself. See, the mistake we make is that when we get triggered we allow ourselves to dive into it. We dwell in that moment and so now you're staying in that negative place. What you have to do is recognize the moment say no, I forgave them, what's done is done, I'm moving forward and that's it. keep practicing it. And as you practicing it you'll notice you're triggered less. You'll notice it's affecting you less. Now, you get to a point where it doesn't bother you at all, you're not fazed by it. So, it's a reprogramming of the brain to say you know what, this is not this doesn't matter anymore, it's done, it's in the past. But it's not just forgiving them it's forgiving ourselves and that's a big hurdle for a lot of people. There are people listening to this who will be able to say I forgave that person but you're still beating yourself up. you're still holding the mistake over your own head. Whatever that is and you have to learn that we all make mistakes, we all fall short, learn from them, grow, move forward. Do not dwell on them and so, it's the same thing. Every time you find yourself beating yourself up, no, I forgive myself, I'm done, what's done is done, I'm moving forward, that's it. You keep saying it to yourself, you will get to a place where it doesn't bother you anymore.

Is it harder to forgive someone that did something horrible to you or is it harder to forgive yourself?

It depends on what they did. I think you know that's going to vary from situation to situation. But I will say if I had to lean towards one I would say forgiving ourselves is harder.

Why is it harder?

Because we live with ourselves.

We live with ourselves.

You see like that person can do that one thing and it can be very hurtful. But we may not see them again, we may not face a circumstance like that again. There may be buffers in our life that allows us to detach from what happened. But when we make our mistake we have to live with that, we have to face ourselves in the mirror. And then there may be other mistakes we make that pile onto that. See, that person may have one offense that we have to forgive them for. But we can end up having several offenses against ourselves. And now, it becomes a harder journey for a lot of people to just accept that we're all flawed and we're all going to fall short. I'll keep saying that none of us get it perfect. None of us has never made a mistake. And you know how they say even in business everyone who's successful has failed. And so, in life it's the same thing anyone who's successful at life has made mistakes. you're either going to learn from them or you're going to dwell on them. And too many people are dwelling in their mistakes.

Is there anything in your life you haven't healed yet?

You really focus on the spot today?

Yeah, you know.

So, I'm not going to get too deep into it but I will say that I've done the letter before. All right, so I've done this whole process.

Sometimes you need to write multiple letters to the same person.

No, so the person I did it.

For.

I did all the big ones so to speak. But there was a small one with a family member that I didn't realize was a problem till years after. Because to me at the time I kind of brushed it under the rug, it's whatever, no big deal. Now, I will say this and I'm not trying to make excuses. The issue I don't believe has any detrimental impact on my relationships, all right. Because I do believe there... Don't do that. It's something there, though. You're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not listening, I'm going to handle it. The letter is going to be written.

When? By when?

By next week. By next week.

What day?

Give me till... You know what?

Why not write it on your flight home? Write it on your flight home.

You know what? I'll do it today. Let's go, baby.

I like that. I like that.

I'll do it today.

Okay. I got time at the hotel room. You'll write the letter you need to write.

Yes. And then is this a letter you send to this person?

Yeah, that one will be sent. Absolutely. Interesting.

Now, do you do a two-step, two-step.

Process there where you write or a.

Two-Draft process where you write? Yeah, I would still do. I'll do. And then I truly believe in all those steps. And I believe that we should not skip any of them because skipping them can really throw things off, all right. Because again, you don't want to say well, I'm not really that mad so I don't need draft one, right. But then for all you know you've been suppressing more anger than you realize.

Just say I hate you because...

Exactly.

Started with that and let it rip.

Yes.

And if nothing really comes great but allow yourself to go as crazy as you want.

Exactly, so I would not skip a step and I would encourage everyone if you do this process Do not skip steps, don't remix steps. I've seen some people say, well, I didn't do a letter, I sent a text. No.

That doesn't work.

Exactly, it's not the same thing. You can't send a text, you can't do one draft, don't skip things, do the whole thing.

Why does writing a letter, why is that more powerful than typing or texting or voice messaging a letter?

So, because voice message, text, typing is not bad. All right.

You can type a letter.

Type or writing is fine, yes. But text and voice message is bad because inherently and subconsciously those are quick hitting ways of expressing ourselves, all right. We don't do a voice message to leave a 10-15 minute message, all right. We typically do it for a quick one minute, two minute, three... It can be longer at times but there's this thing in us that doesn't allow us to really draw it all the way out. Because if what you're feeling needs to be a 30 page long letter. You're not going to do a 30 page worth voice memo, chances are. Unless you wrote it first and then you expressed it through a voice recording or what you can do is you could record yourself, all right. Let it all out in recording and then re-record the second draft. So, you can do it by voice recording. But when it's a text voice memo and all that kind of stuff or text messages, Because again, texts are condensed ways of expressing ourselves. They're not made for long expressions. So, even if you say well, I can... No, it's just not going to work the same. And it's very easy for you to feel like well, typing all of that and if you got to go back to type more and it's going to spread over to like 10, 20 texts. Most people aren't going to do that. They're going to try to make it shorter. So, no, do the letter but the alternative voice recording is an acceptable method.

Wow. Okay, so we've talked about... So, that's the thing you still need to heal, still work on yourself personally is writing that letter.

Yeah. And I will say this because I want it to be understood that I do believe there's some level of blockage because of it. So, even though I said I don't think it ha... I don't believe and I'm pretty confident in saying it doesn't have... Yeah, it's always a mic, you're right it's always possible. But I guess from my evaluation I don't see it pouring into any of my... Into a romantic relationship. But... And let me say this not directly, but indirectly. So, what I mean by that is sometimes the things that we're holding on to and this is just maybe a random example. But let's say the weight of these things causes you to fall into depression at times, all right. So, even though you may not see it as I'm directly going to be negative towards my partner you falling into depression impacts the relationship.

It's still you being a hurt person.

Exactly, and they have to deal with that. So, it can't always indirectly impact our relationships and that's why it's important for us to not sweep it under the rug. And so, that's why I'm completely committed to doing it and I was planning on doing it because I know that I don't want to leave any stone unturned, you know I'm saying?

How long you been thinking about this?

Since the beginning of the year. Since the beginning of the year.

The time now, that was the time.

Last time.

Wow.

It dawned on me in the beginning of the year, I was like, you know what? I think I got to do this. But then I had went, like I had went somewhere and then it, you know, life and you just keep sweeping on the rock. And that's the mistake, that's the problem that we have. We let life get the best of us and we get busy and we get distracted and again, Doing these exercises isn't easy all the time but we've got to commit to it and we've got to commit to understanding we want the best for ourselves, for our life, for our relationships. We've got to cover all the bases when it comes to healing.

Let's say someone's single and they're meeting different people to date, right? And they don't want to... Well, maybe this is something they should do. What would be three questions they should ask to know if they have the right connection with someone? Seeing as you said connection is something that you can't create, you either have it or you don't. What are three questions to ask that person in the first hour of meeting them if you think you have connection?

I don't even think it's questions to ask. I'll give you three things they should do, all right? Three things. Number one, be your authentic self, all right. So, no representative, no game playing, no trying to maneuver this because you really like this person and want them... No, just be yourself and either they're going to like you and love you for who you are or they're not. All right. What does that mean like say everything.

That'S on your mind be as like quirky as you want to be unfiltered. If that's who you are yes, if.

That'S who you are. So, if you're a... So, don't be on your best behavior.

Of like okay, I'm going to let this slide and this slide.

No, so let me give you a perfect example. Let's say for a woman she's dating a guy and she views this guy as very conservative, all right. So, she thinks she has to come and be an angel on this thing, be a good girl, all right. But lo and behold, she's a little scandalous, she's a little out there, all right. But what she doesn't realize is he likes that. He actually wants the side of her she's not showing. All right, but she's projecting what she thinks that she needs to bring to the table because of who she thinks he is. But she doesn't know the full real him. So, a lot of people don't even realize they're shooting themselves in the foot because you're doing who you... You're being what you think you should be rather than just be yourself. And if they are... If they're connecting with that great, if they don't so be it. Let's not play any games with each other. So, again, if you're quirky be quirky. If you're a very affectionate person be affectionate. Granted, there can be boundaries drawn so that we don't make any confusion as to setting the wrong message but don't hinder being your true self.

Yes.

Because that only throws things off.

Okay.

Second thing is be very honest and transparent, all right. So, it's one thing to be yourself but sometimes when the conversation goes into certain areas we don't want to be open and honest about what we're thinking or how we feel. Let's say for example, not that people should be... Need to be talking about politics on the first date. But let's just say they ask you about politics, right.

Say how you feel.

Yes, because what purpose does it serve for you to try to dodge it to then find out later that you guys don't get together. Perfect example, I had a client one time who met this guy she felt that there was a connection there she felt like this was it, right. And they had some other issues but one of the sticking issues they had was he was a Trump supporter she was not, okay. Now, I said listen, so you're telling me that you guys may not get together over a man who will only be president for X amount of years, okay? But your relationship can span way past that. Now, I understand for people it goes deeper than that.

His values or something like that.

Exactly, but the point is if he would have... If he swept it under the rug and tried to just avoid the political.

His political... To get you to like him.

Exactly, only for it to come out later and destroy everything, you only delayed the inevitable. I'd rather know that we're not on the same page from day one than to wait into year one or year two. That makes no sense, all right. And again, to me, if there's a true connection we're either going to have the same values or we're going to be able to work through them. Because connection does not mean that everything is going to be in perfect alignment as far as how we see things. But we will be able to embrace each other's differences. that difference wouldn't make us want to walk away from each other, all right. So, again, be yourself and answer things openly and transparently so we're not leaving any mystery here or playing any games.

Yep, and then the third thing.

The third thing is just be aware. And to me what I mean by that is and I'm going to use men right now because I do feel like as men we'll meet a woman and again, she might be awesome be great And a lot of times we know deep inside something's not there. She's just not the one, but we really like her or we really like aspects about her so we want to hold on to this. So, you're allowing this desire to blind you and not allow you to be aware of the fact that no, you know she's not it. And accept that, accept that and walk away, end it because there's no point in dragging this on. At the very least if you want to continue it then be honest about this ain't going anywhere. and if we want to have fun, if you want to have fun with each other that's two adults making their own decision. But don't continue on under the guise of I'm looking for a serious relationship with this woman when I know deep inside she's not the one for me, all right. And the same thing happens with women it's like yo, just be aware because I would tell you everyone that I've spoken to about connection and has expressed that they've experienced this it was pretty much an instant thing. It wasn't an overtime thing. So, as long as you're aware.

That's why you hear some people are like we got married in like three months.

Yes.

Because we just knew like something was connected.

Exactly, and what I hate that's happening in society now is love bombing, all right. So, love bombing is a hot topic and I one day want to do a video on it. But people view these fast moving relationships as oh, it's love bombing oh, it's toxic and it's like that's not every situation. And I think one of the most important things to understand about love bombing is Love bombing is a one-way action. Meaning, it's one person trying to overwhelm you with all this love to get you to buy into it and move forward. Connection is a two-way experience. When two people are feeling this draw to each other, both feeling into each other, that's real. You shouldn't run from that and you shouldn't say oh, it's happening too fast. I would argue real love, real connection is fast. That over time stuff is you're learning to tolerate each other, you're becoming attached to each other, you're becoming conditioned to each other's presence. It's not actual real love or connection, you know what I'm saying? And so, we've been... People have been brainwashed in my opinion. I just think and again, if you really sit down and examine these situations you will see the huge differences. I remember one time I had an Uber driver He said he met his wife the first time he met her, the way on the date he knew she was the one. They've been married 65 years.

Wow.

Happy as hell. He's like he would never leave. They're still affectionate, they're still loving. Maybe it was 55 years either way it was a long time, wow, all right. And he's like, yeah, he was telling me how he doesn't understand how this world works now. It's just crazy to him and all these things. It didn't take him forever to want to marry his wife.

Of the people that you think are in a relationship for over a year, your estimate, what percentage of them are really happy and have true connection? The people in a relationship for over a year, what's the percent of people that you think, let's say in America, that have true connection and are not just in it because of chemistry or maybe this compatibility or desire for the first year or there's some whatever.

The number that's coming to me is 20% and I might be being generous.

Wow.

I would argue the vast majority even past a year are not truly happy and there's not a true connection.

So, you're telling me you believe that 80% of people that are in a relationship don't have real connection.

Yeah.

Why, okay, here's one. One, why do people stay in relationships if they don't have connection? And two, if that many people are with the wrong people, if they all broke up, could they find the right person? Or would it maybe never find someone with real connection?

Okay, so why we stay even when there's not a connection? one because people don't even understand the concept of connection.

Okay.

So, it's a very foreign thing to a lot of people and what they've been taught by others is it's not about connection it's about what you like them, they like you and you get together and you see if you can make it work, right. And because other relationships that are together without connection want to validate their relationship they will encourage others who don't have connection to move forward in their relationship, all right. Because again, they don't want to face that fact One quick example.

People are also afraid to be alone, I think.

Oh, absolutely afraid to be alone, afraid to start over, afraid to be wrong because especially in a situation where other people told you this wasn't it and you fought hard to defend it, you don't want to face that. There's also the I don't want the other person to win and I use that with a lot of women that happens. Whereas if there's another woman that's somewhere in the situation that he dated or maybe there was anything that happened it becomes a competition.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm not going to let him go because I don't want her to win. Not because I want this man or he's so amazing.

It's because it's exhausting.

It's super exhausting but there are a lot of women who engage in those kind of situations. Man, that's tough. Or have fallen into those types of situations.

So, I think another one is well, we've invested this much time I don't want to lose time.

That is a huge one especially for women. Women and it's everybody, but I do think it's even more so for women. Women have a very hard time walking away from anything they've invested a lot of energy, time, and emotion into. This is even for their careers. There are women right now listening to this who are not happy in their careers. They have not been happy for a long time. They may be successful, they may be doing very well, but they never felt at peace and at home there. But it is so hard to walk away when they gave so many years to it. So much time and energy to it. They don't know how to just let it go. And so, the same thing happens in their relationships yes, if they've invested so much time even though they know he's not it. They know this relationship is not what it needs to be they don't want to walk away from that. So, all of those things paralyze people and keep them in a situation where there's no connection.

Yeah, I think I interrupted you I'm not sure if you were to say something else but I chimed in at one point so.

I can't remember.

Yeah, no problem.

But the second part was you said so, you said why do they stay when there's not a connection? Yes, and if they were to break up...

If 80% of these people said you know what, we're breaking up because we don't have connection. Could they find someone with connection in the next couple of years or would they ever find that person?

I think it's very possible. Can I say that it's yes for everybody? No, but I think for the most people yes. I think what people don't realize is again, there are a lot of people who I know a woman All right, she was a client many years ago. She make a long story short. So, she married her guy knowing he wasn't it. She actually wanted to break up a few times before he proposed but found herself kind of feeling stuck they didn't know how to reject it she went through with it. Many years later she meets a guy that she feels in a connection with that she never felt before. Way more into this man than she ever was into her husband. But again, to the outside who doesn't understand this they'll just say oh, this woman lost interest or she's a horrible wife or whatever. But no, she always knew there was no connection with her husband. She didn't even want to marry this guy. There are men and women who have gotten married knowing this is not the one.

On their wedding days they knew.

Yes, I had another client who said her whole family told her if you want to stop... They were at the wedding, they were in a room in the back. She said, if you want to stop the wedding right now, we will support you. Let's go. She said she walked out and walked down that aisle, got married, and she said, you, know why she did it?

Because she deserved to be married. Oh!

Not because that man was the one... No! Not because there was a connection. That's not true. No, because at that point she felt like she deserved it.

I'm 30, I'm this, I deserve... My friends were all married.

Exactly. Now we deserve it. Exactly. And she can acknowledge that right now.

That would make me sick if I was that guy and if I loved this woman very much and I was giving my life to this woman and she, in her heart, behind the scenes, 15 minutes before walking out, everyone's saying, Walk away. We know this isn't the right for you. You know it's not right for you. And she goes, you, know what? I deserve to be married. So I'm gonna do it anyways, even if it's not right. that's like so painful for the man, I feel like too. It's more painful being in a relationship where someone doesn't want to be with you, than them breaking up with you, in my opinion.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. I mean, then you're living a lie as married. You're like, okay, this person really doesn't want to be with me.

For me, it's more hurtful because you're trapped in a situation where you're never gonna get what you deserve and need.

Oh man.

So at least if they break up with you, the breakup hurts but you've been set free and now you can get what you deserve. Free. But to stay there and they don't really want to be with you and if they don't really want to be with you they're not going to pour into you the way that you need. You're never going to have happiness and peace. So, absolutely it's much worse to be in that situation than to be broken up with. But I would say that a lot of men don't even realize what's going on in these situations and what men have to realize is listen, like I would argue in that scenario he's not really in love with her. He's infatuated with her.

That's why he's willing to put up with things and do some tolerate things that he doesn't want to do.

Exactly.

To have this idea of her.

Exactly, he's infatuated he's attached. Interesting. And so, he views it as love, you know. And I'm not saying no situation is ever real love but a lot of people get love mixed up, you know. And again, to me real love is a two-way thing. all right. And if we really love each other then why I'm going to say we really love each other we'd be able and willing to pour into each other. But unfortunately, this is where lack of healing comes in because that's why like there's some situations where two people can have a connection, can truly be in love. But if there's a lack of healing it can still get thrown off. There's a lot of people who met their connection but it did not happen because of fear. It did not happen because of a lack of healing. It did not happen because this was foreign to them. This was scary to them. It's very overwhelming to meet that person you have a connection with. It pulls out all your insecurities, it makes you vulnerable in a way that you've never been vulnerable and that is a lot. And so, people will now run from their connection and go be with the person they're not really in love with because it's safer there.

Why?

Why?

If you find someone with this connection this is a great match, would you sabotage it over and over again to go find someone who's not a match? Why do people do this?

Because... So, there's a few things to consider. One, the person you have a connection with has the power to hurt you like nobody else. So, if your perspective let's say you're a woman and you perceive all men as they're going to hurt you they're going to do you wrong, right?

They're going to lie, they're going to cheat, they can't be trusted. Exactly.

So, now I'm faced with guy A who is Mr Perfect he does everything right and I have an amazing connection with him.

He pours into me love, support, everything.

And there's a connection there. But then I have guy B where it's not a connection there but over here I feel like I have one more value, all right. Because with perfect guy I'm looking at him like this amazing man how do I even deserve this? A lot of women have a struggle of feel like they truly deserve this man or that they are truly good enough for this man, all right. They may not all verbalize it but behind closed doors that is a struggle for a lot of women. Also, it's the situation where again, if you view men as they're going to hurt you. The guy B who's not good for you is showing you they're not good from the jump. So, you know what's coming, all right. It's easier to deal with that than the perfect guy and I say perfect in the sense of he's just an amazing guy. then that guy we have the connection with where it's almost like you're waiting for the pin to drop and it still hasn't come yet. What the hell is going on here?

It's like too good to be true, right?

Yeah, and you're waiting to get hit. There was literally an episode on divorce court one time where this woman she leaves this man, they asked the woman why did you leave this man? What was the situation? She said he was perfect, he cooked, he cleaned, he was my best friend, he was an amazing partner. It says so, why did you leave him? Verbatim, this is what she said. I was just waiting for him to turn around and hit me. Now, everyone in the audience and even the judge didn't understand what was going on there. Oh, you're just ridiculous, you're a horrible woman. No, what she's saying is she is so conditioned to men being dysfunctional, hurtful, lying, cheating, whatever. That she could not believe that this man was this good. And so, now the fear of something has to happen drives you crazy.

Good goodness.

And so, now what will happen is...

Is this a non-healed woman?

Absolutely. So, you will either run or you will try to sabotage because you've got to make something bad stick out. You got to validate your fear.

Because you may not like it but that's normal.

Yes.

It becomes normal for you.

Yes.

Whatever is not normal is unfamiliar and scary.

Yes.

Even if it's good for you.

Yes.

Even if it's peaceful and loving you've never had it it's unfamiliar so you're like what's wrong?

Exactly and where in the hell is something wrong going to happen? Something wrong has to happen that's what I've been trained to believe. So, now I can't take this insanity of waiting. Oh, my gosh, that's what happens to a lot of people a lot of people and I'm telling you that's why and let me give you another angle.

Give it to me.

So, I've had a lot of clients, women clients who have used the term I felt like I was losing myself when dealing with a man that they had a connection with, all right.

Really?

Yes, so here's the problem. If that woman has been hurt, all right. In all these situations she has been hurt she has experienced some level of damage and trauma. She now becomes guarded, all right. That guardedness is her shield it is her protection in her eyes. All right, but it also allows her to not be fully vulnerable, okay. So, now she's operating under this shell, behind these walls. The man she has a connection with forces you to come out of that. So, now you feel like you're losing yourself but you're not losing yourself, you're losing who you've conditioned yourself to believe you are out of the need for protection. Even though it wasn't really protecting you it was hurting you even more the whole time, all right.

So, now... You're losing that ego part of yourself, the masks, the guards.

And the safety of the garden, the safety of the walls. You're not allowed to have those walls in a relationship that give a connection. It demands greater of you but the dysfunctional guy, the no good guy, the loser does not demand that of you. So, you can continue to operate behind your walls giving three quarters half of your heart, all right. And validate it because you're with a guy who's beneath you, so to speak. Who you're not really in love with.

You're more in control of the situation.

You have emotional control with this guy. You feel like your emotions are all over the damn place with the other guy. And you can't deal with that, it's nerve-wracking.

Why is it so hard for women to deal with that? To deal with the full expression of their emotions vulnerability.

Because I believe it's because women as they grow up, they're much more emotionally giving of themselves. So, because of that even when they get into relationships that first relationship where she fell in love or thought she was in love, she really gave herself. See, as men we don't always fully give ourselves. That situation where we do that is a lot more rare. We have to feel like this is the one, all right. Whereas a woman if she feel like I can be with this guy, I want to be with this guy she gives up herself. And since this tends to happen typically at a young age, high school, early college, at a time where men at that age are boys and don't know how to handle a woman's love, emotions, and the commitment that's required in that relationship, it is more than likely he's going to hurt her. Whether it's completely his fault, whether it's also her doing some things because it's not only the man that does wrong it's the woman too. But the point is they're both young, they both have not learned how to be mature and master their emotions. And so, she's going to typically get hurt. And now, from that point she says I will never let that happen to me again. The wall comes up, now she's guarded, now she's trying to manage her vulnerability. When she was younger she wasn't fully managing it, If anything, when women are younger it's other people trying to pull them back. Don't be so into it you can't be all into the guy relax. She wants to just get it.

Act like you don't care.

Exactly, yeah, act like you don't care all this game playing. But once she gets older nah, now it's okay I'm not going that far. But the problem is that works well with the no good guy that shoots you in the foot with the guy you have a connection with or that's the really good guy for you. and so, it's a horrible negative cycle but again, lack of healing. And listen, the same thing can happen to a man but here's the difference. Men let's say when he's younger thinks he falls in love, gives his heart to a girl she crushes it. And he can't go on a vengeful F these women, F life, I don't care anymore I'm going to do whatever I want, right. But then if he meets an amazing woman there's a greater chance of him being willing to embrace that she's an amazing woman and give it another chance.

Why?

Because he has not been conditioned to believe that all women are horrible.

Why are women conditioned this way?

Because they're getting stories from their mothers, their aunts, their sisters, their friends, society, TV all saying men bad, men bad, men bad, men do wrong. The only place they can see a story of love is Disney and not even Disney anymore maybe, I don't know but... You know, that fairy tale doesn't exist, all right. Men are not... It's not pushed as much on men. Are there some men who have been pushed to the edge of believing all women are bad? Yes, and those men act horribly and those men will reject that amazing woman when she comes his way. But a lot of men still have hope. A lot of women they don't have hope, they're just trying to work with it. All right, so, that's what makes it a huge difference. So, when the good amazing woman comes his way he has a reason to think maybe this could really be it. When the good amazing man comes her way it's not this can't be real because that doesn't exist. Men like this don't exist how could this be happening right now?

And if you convince yourself that enough you'll find something wrong with the person whether they did something wrong or not.

Exactly, you will create listen, I hate to say this but it's just truth. Some women and I say some will create false narratives. They will create stories that don't actually exist because they need something. And this even happens when it comes to dating I have a video about you will always be the bad guy. And what I tell men is that if you don't there are a lot of women out there that if you don't give them what they wanted ultimately whatever it was they're going to at some point view you as the bad guy.

What does that usually be? If you didn't give me a ring.

If you didn't do this for me, if you didn't do that for me. Yes, let's say for example, you met a woman she deep inside wanted a real committed relationship and you never gave that to her. And let's just say you weren't even lying to her, you were telling her I really don't want a relationship. But she was going along with it hoping she would get that. She doesn't get that to you to her now she can't view you in a positive light. Because in order for her to break free from this and suppress her emotions she has to view you as the bad guy. she has to create a negative narrative about you. That's the only way to make it easier for her. Now, again, I stress this isn't all women, but this happens with a lot of women. And so, now what happens is that...

Is that why every... I would say maybe all but like one of my past relationships made me out to be a bad person when I didn't give them what they wanted.

Absolutely.

And said back even if I didn't do anything bad or wrong, or a God of integrity, if it just didn't work out, then it was like okay, they never wanted to speak to me again. I was the worst person in the world, they couldn't be my friend, they talked bad about me, whatever. I was like just because I didn't give you what you want, we want different things.

Yes.

But now I'm this horrible human being. Yes.

Because if they believe in good Lewis, that makes it a struggle for them to accept not being with Lewis. That makes it a struggle for them to accept how how the situation didn't go the way they wanted. They have to project something negative onto you.

Because if I, at the end of the day, the relationship didn't work out, what is it, what are they saying to themselves that I wasn't good enough for him or something has to be wrong with him so that I feel like I'm getting blamed.

So, there's a part of them, so I was just, I wasn't watching the movie. The movie was on TV and there was a scene that popped up where this girl said this guy just broke up with her. right. And all the girls on the table was like oh, he's just afraid of his emotions, he's this, he's that. Then this one person at the table who was actually a guy disguised as a woman said are y'all blind? He just wants his space he doesn't want to be with you. They all got silent and looked at him and he said oh, no it's his emotions. Like, he had to change the narrative. So, what it shows you is that there's a part of that woman who does think damn, is it me? Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? In order to fight that she has to now come with the other side. No, it's him, he has the issues, he's wrong that's the way to fight that. Now, in my opinion, we have to learn and I would encourage people listen, it cannot be about you and they're not a bad guy. You see I'm saying like it doesn't have to be either or. We can understand that we just weren't the right match. We weren't the right fit. That's all it is to it. It doesn't mean you're not good enough as a woman you can be an amazing great woman.

But we weren't the right match.

Exactly. We didn't have a connection. Exactly, she wasn't for you, you weren't for her, that's it. If we can learn to accept that we don't have to hold on to any negative narrative about the person. Yeah. But guess what again, and I would... I have to say there are men who do this too. Sure, of course. It's the same way like when a man... Some man will try to approach the woman she rejects him and immediately or you be you this, you know, he goes off on her because now I have to make you into a bad person because you didn't give me what I wanted. Yeah. because it makes it easier for me to accept the outcome of this.

It's funny you're saying this. There's something you mentioned earlier about how when a good man shows up, sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes a woman says, this is too good to be true, or when something bad is going to happen. I remember I was in a relationship about a decade ago. I think it was 9 to 10 years ago. The relationship was going amazing for the first three, four, maybe five months. I mean, it was like, I felt connection, chemistry, compatibility. I felt all those things. Whether I had them all or not is irrelevant. But there was one night that she thought I was doing something wrong that I wasn't doing. She made something up, was so convinced that I did something that I didn't do. No matter what I said to say like, Hey, I'm not doing this. It's like she couldn't believe it. She had to hold on to this belief of like that I did this thing wrong. We go through, I'm just kind of like, what is happening now? She's angry, passive aggressive, not speaking to me for like 24 hours. I'm like, what just happened? I have no clue what happened. We were one moment, everything was fine. We're happy, connecting. The next moment, it was like she flipped and was like pushing me away and blaming me for something I didn't do. and the next day I'm like, what is going on? Like, after we finally talked, what is going on? She goes, to be honest, this was probably like a big red flag that I should have noticed right away, which is to be honest, I didn't feel like I would meet someone to someone like you at this stage of my life. See, she was like 26-27. I think I was like 29. And she goes, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you at this stage. I thought I'd meet you like after I was 30.

Mm-.

And I was like, what does that even mean? I didn't even know that. But really, what I'm hearing now is like, I don't even know this is possible, you know?

And it seems way more common than you think.

Or if I was ready for someone who was like healthier version, because she had a lot of stuff that she hadn't healed yet from stuff, I won't get into it, but, and I don't think she was ready for love and someone who was just like, I'm here to love you. I'm here to like be support. I'm a good guy. I'm here to show up. I'm patient. I'm present. I'm like we have fun all these things and I think after like three four months of that she was like wait a minute like this can't be real I was like what are you talking about? Just embrace it like let's just do this thing and it ended up being another six seven months of like up and down chaos stress Love resistance to eventually where it just kind of drove me mad. I was like I can't do this anymore anymore. You know, we had this thing, and then you weren't willing to, like, continue on with it. And now, now I'm trying to stay in this thing longer and make it work, and it's not working, and it ended up not working. So why is that so? I mean, is that people, women under 30s, over 30s? Is that all ages? Is that. What is that?

No, I think it, it just depends on the, the experience of the woman, what she's been through. the household she's been brought up in, if she's been hurt before. Because you know, granted I do if I'm going to be honest I do think that as the woman gets older the chances of her having these issues or struggles becomes greater. Because she's been through more. Chances are you know, you're past 30 you may have been through a couple of relationships, you may have been through a few minutes you really liked and now that hurts you. Whereas if you're 22, 23 there's less of a chance, you see. It can still happen but there's just less of a chance. So, that's the what can change there, you know. But I have to say man, it's so much more common than people realize. I have so many stories from men clients and even friends and associates who've all experienced this that all of a sudden the woman saying I can't do this. Like, everything going perfect and saying things like you're too perfect. Saying things like, like you said I didn't think I was going to meet you right now. I had a client who went through a whole long scenario with a woman and she said that to him. She said I did not expect to meet you at this point in my life.

Then why are you with this person? Why are you dating this person?

Because again, it's she came into it saying good looking guy, I like this guy. She didn't know she was going to feel this way. She didn't know it was going to be like this and she thought you'd probably be like any other guy who was going to do stupid stuff and piss her off. But the more and more you show that you are an amazing man it's like wait, hold up. What's going on here?

Why even go on dates if you're not looking for that connection? If you're not looking for that greatest version of someone that you could partner with?

Because again, a lot of people don't even believe it exists. A lot of people are not aware of it. And a lot of people just want companionship and to rationalize to yourself that I should only entertain them if I can find a connection can be discouraging because you feel like dang, connection is hard as hell to find. So, if that's the only purpose of me going out then it becomes more stressful. I don't want to go out and have fun. I just want to enjoy myself and that's normal I think for both sides. We just want to... We want to enjoy life, we want to meet people. It doesn't mean they don't deep inside want that. But again, I would argue that depending on where they and what they understand their emotional awareness, they may not truly be ready for that. You know, and if you haven't healed, chances are you're not ready for it.

Let's talk about expectations. What type of expectations does someone have going into relationship of their partner? Should they have the highest level of expectations? Should they have low expectations? What should we have?

So, I don't believe in expectations at all.

Having them?

Having them at all because I believe expectation kills appreciation, all right. So, I don't expect and maybe I'm being... Maybe this is semantics but I don't expect I simply set the standard of what I desire and you either meet the standard or you don't. You see what I'm saying?

And so, is that luck?

If you meet the standard I appreciate.

Your effort So, how would that conversation look like?

It's just simply expressing what we need like I'm a believer and we got to learn to get things on the table quickly. So, what I'm going to ask that person what do you need in the relationship? What's going to make you happy? What are you hoping to receive from me, all right. And granted again, it could be semantics maybe we could call that still expectations, right. But to me it's about the mindset of it, all right. When it's viewed as an expectation is when you're supposed to do this and when you're supposed to do this, why would I appreciate what you're supposed to do? Why would I give you credit for what you're supposed to do? I will not. But when it's something that I desire and you're willing to fulfill that, I can appreciate that. I gave you my needs and you met them, you see. So, the mindset is different and that's why I don't like to look at it as expectations. I don't think anyone should it's just this is what I need and I'm going to ask you what do you need from me? and if as I'm willing to fulfill your... If those desires I am willing to fulfill then you will have that. But I still expect appreciation in return and when you don't show me you appreciate it that's a problem. And what happens if you...

If someone says well, here's all my desires I want this, this, this, this, and this and the list goes on and on and on and you can't fulfill those desires.

We're not a good match, we're not a good fit. We have to accept that early on there's no reason to to move forward. Perfect example, I'm someone who doesn't mind paying, but I don't like planning, okay? So, I'm not a planner. I don't plan my own events. I don't plan a lot of things. So, planning trips, I'm not saying I could never, would never do it, but I'm not a planner. But I'll pay. So, if I met a woman, she wants to go somewhere, hey, plan it, schedule it, here's my car, write the.

Flights, do everything, all the details.

Boom, done. Now, if a woman says to me listen, I don't like that. You need to plan the trips, we're not a good fit. I'm sorry. Because I know that's not something that I'm okay with, that I excel in, none of that. And it may seem small and that's the thing people have to stop trying to minimize certain issues or certain things that we don't like or that don't connect with us. I know I'm not a planner and there's nothing wrong with that. that's why I get other people to do that aspect and I take care of the rest. I'm a doer, I can do things but I don't plan. So, if we can't embrace those differences why are we forcing the issue? And the reality is that there's a woman who would love nothing but to plan if I want to take care of it. So, why do I need to fight with you about this? It makes no sense.

What if 90% of everything else you can meet and agree on but 10% is like, I don't like these things.

That 10% can become a huge deal that dominoes into other issues. So, let's use a different example. I'm introverted, they're introverted. I prefer balance. I think balance is to be the main focus of a relationship. We don't want to have too much of one thing so to speak a lot of time depending on what it is. So, if we're both introverted I know for me that's not a good thing in the long run. Can I deal with that? And that's the other thing, it's not about what you can deal with today or next year. Can you deal with it five years from now, ten years from now? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Because again, the goal should not be a temporary relationship. My goal is long term, all right. I know that both of us being too introverted is going to be a way down on the relationship in years later, all right. So, I'm not going to do that, all right. I know from the jump I need some balance there. So, that may seem like well, that's not a big deal it's only 10%, but that's a huge 10% if you know you can't deal with it. Let's say something sexual, let's say there's a sexual act that you like, let's just be real. Let's say it's oral sex, all right. And let's say as the woman you love oral sex or the man. and your partner is like, hell no, no oral sex not happening. But everything about them is amazing. If you know this is a desire strong enough that will make you either become irritated with your partner or seek to get that desire fulfilled elsewhere, it's a deal breaker. Why force it? It may seem small but it's small enough to become or it's big enough to become a bigger issue later.

What about in some religious instances that might say, you know what? Just suppress those desires. Like those aren't desires that need to be fulfilled. Like focus on these things. Focus on, you know, the connection and other stuff. But don't focus on those desires. Suppress them. They're not healthy. They're not good for you. They're addictive personalities. What would you say to something like that?

I would say, number one, do not suppress. You need to resolve. All right, and you need to resolve before you move forward.

What does that mean resolve?

Resolve, okay. So, let's say for example, you're a man and you love watching porn, all right. And like you said religiously they're saying don't do it and even your partner says I don't like you watching all this porn, all right. If you now get with her trying to suppress but you have not resolved your desire for porn, it's going to come back to haunt you. and when it does it's going to hit even harder. It's going to cause a bigger problem. So, what you need to do is tackle that issue first, resolve it, get to the root of it. Why do I need to watch this porn? Which let me just say I think men should not watch it it's poison, but that's a whole other discussion, all right. You know, I definitely think it would be beneficial for people to at least minimize it, all right. But I know there's a lot of different perspectives on that. That's just my personal opinion. But anyways, it will be best to resolve and address that first, all right. And then you can walk into your marriage or relationship with that not being an issue. Because let me also say this, the mistake a lot of people make is they think I'll fix this when I meet the right one. No, you won't. You'll develop a habit and you will bring that habit into your marriage.

Yeah, an addiction a lot of addiction is unresolved healing.

Exactly.

You're addicted to something because there's a pain that you haven't resolved yet. You haven't healed which is go back to healing which might resolve that addiction or habit that may not be as.

Healthy as you need it to be. Or like let's say you watch porn whenever you get stressed. So porn has become your stress reliever. So it's not you're not capable of not watching porn. You have to learn how to now use a different method of relieving your stress. You have to now understand you have to break your attachment to this thing. That's the thing a lot of times we're just attached. Hell, it could be as simple as coffee. At one point I was attached to coffee I could not stop drinking it and I thought I can't go without coffee. No, I don't drink coffee anymore because I recognize the downfalls it had and I don't want to be attached to anything like that. Anything that can have that much power over you is a problem. So, for me it was a personal decision to resolve it wasn't a relationship issue or anything like that. But the point is we sometimes look at these things and try to validate it as well, it's just coffee, it's just porn it's no big deal. But it can become a big deal in various ways.

So, here's a question that a lot of women might ask you. Stavonne, you're not in a relationship. This all sounds great in theory.

Uh huh.

This all sounds great when there's no stress and you're not, you don't feel the love and connection and years of a relationship and children and sharing money together and the messiness of a relationship. It's nice for you to say these things from the sidelines and peace and calm and, you know, analyzing this. Why should we trust and respect your opinion when you're not in a long-term committed relationship, okay. But for the women leaving comments like that, how would you respond?

So, number one, being in a relationship does not determine the wisdom or knowledge of relationships, all right. Because if it did then more people who are in one could give you wise counsel and they cannot, all right.

So, it's kind of like great basketball football coaches a lot of them weren't great players, you know. Exactly, they can coach. But they weren't a player.

Exactly, because we have to understand that at the foundation of relationships is understanding men and women and how the two can coexist in a romantic, committed, long-term environment, all right. So, you have to understand people first. A lot of people don't know how to make a relationship work because they don't understand people. They don't understand men, women, or they don't understand their woman and their man, all right. So, start there. Number two, I don't require or expect anyone to listen to me. I always tell people pray about it, trust your intuition. If this resonates with you take it or take what resonates and leave what doesn't. I have to speak the truth that needs to be spoken. I have to walk in what I know is my purpose, all right. Whether you connect with that or see that that's on you. I'm not here to convince anyone. All right, I will say that I don't think I could have gotten this far unless what I was saying had truth to it, you know. I don't think I could be this successful without being able to have helped or the fact that I have helped so many people is why I've gotten to this point. But I think for the individual also understanding that I'm practicing what I preach whether you realize it or not.

Because... You're not in an unhealthy relationship.

Exactly.

You're waiting.

I'm waiting and I'm waiting for the connection I'm waiting to make sure making sure that it's going to be in alignment with my purpose. I'm making sure that I'm preparing along the way. I'm still learning, growing, getting better. I'm doing the things I tell everybody else to do. So, I'm not going against my message. It's just that we have to understand relationship isn't oh, well, you have a certain amount of knowledge relationship tomorrow. I can have it tomorrow. I can have it tonight if I want it. But the point is not to just get in a relationship is to be in the right one. And for me, more importantly, the one that God wants me to be in and that requires patience process, you know I'm saying? And just a willingness to sacrifice in the meantime, you know, it ain't easy but you got to do it if you want what's best. And the reality is that that's how it goes in most aspects of life when you want to be successful. There's a patience, there's process, you know and there's a sacrifice. If it's you getting in shape, your body doesn't become what you want it to be tomorrow. Trust me, I know I've been at it for a while, okay. I'm still working if you want to be successful. Most successful people have a period of struggle, all right. People just don't see the struggle, all right. But those individuals who think you just jump because you're this person you're supposed to have a relationship but you want to have success. No, there's work that is required.

Absolutely.

So, to me, you know, I believe that I'm practicing what I preach, I'm consistent with my message, you know, it's just that yeah, it hasn't materialized into a relationship yet. And the last point I'll make is this, I do feel that I'm held to a higher standard. Reason being is because if I'm going to be a speaker in this area I cannot come with some half relationship, I cannot come with something that does not represent the message that does not glorify God, that does not inspire people, all right. I do not want to be another relationship that makes you feel like there are no good relationships or all this is phony. I want this to be not just real and genuine in me saying it, I want you to feel the energy and spirit of my relationship when I'm in it. So, that kind of standard is going to require a lot more work to get. Because I always say most relationships start because people Overlook the red flags. I can't overlook a red flag.

So, it's a lot of picky and choosy.

Yeah.

Wow. I've got a couple final questions for you. This has been powerful, but I want people to get one of your most popular books, Love After Heartbreak. They can get it at where can they go to get that book?

StefanSpeakShop.com or they can go on Amazon, iTunes, and it will soon be available on Audible. as well.

Ooh, you're gonna read it?

Yeah. All right.

Stefan speaks shop.com. love after heartbreak. You've got a bunch of books. A lot of book about relationships on different stages of relationships that you're in. So whatever you're going through, go to stephonspeaks shop.com. check out that book. If you have gone through a heartache, heartbreak, you're single trying to find the.

Next person, or even if you don't think you have anything to heal from, go read it because you probably still do have something to heal from.

Yeah, it's true. And this one's all about how to heal. You talk more about the process of healing, the steps.

Exactly. We go into that. And healing from anything, not just relationship hurt, parents, anything from our childhood, family members, friends, any kind of hurt.

Yes. Make sure you guys go check that out. Also, you're on YouTube. Stefan speaks on YouTube, awesome YouTube channel. Facebook's got a massive Instagram, massive channel on all these places. check you out over there. Three final questions. One is, what are a few ways to know that your partner truly loves you?

All right, so way number one is to evaluate if you truly love them. Because I find that people are so busy trying to analyze the other person, and not looking at themselves in the mirror. And so, if you are not truly in love with your partner they're not truly in love with you. True love is a two-way experience not one way. So, if you know for example, you're only with him because he treats you better than the rest but you're not... It's not really there, all right. Then trust and believe he's not in love with you, all right. Same way if you're a man and you're only with her because the family likes her, she's beautiful, she's all these great things but it's not really there. Then she's not in love with you. It doesn't work that way. So, if you want to figure out there's real love figure out that real love exists within you first.

If you love that person.

Exactly, and then you... And when you can say your love is real then yes, I do believe that you will then be able to discover that their love is real as well. to understand this love can be real but again, a lack of healing and fear can get in the way.

Absolutely.

And so, there are people who truly loved you and ran from you.

Love is not enough.

Love is not enough.

That is something where a lot of people say love is all you need. Love is not all you need. You need someone who's not going to scream at you. You need someone who is going to work on themselves. and heal. You need someone who's willing to both meet each other's needs. Like a lot of things need to happen for it to be enough. Yeah. Because love is not enough. Is that right?

Yes.

So you gotta ask yourself if your love is real for that person first to know if they truly love you.

Yes.

What else would you say there?

Second thing is, are they willing to embrace all your needs and desires? And I think Needs of course come first and then desires are second, you know. But I do think that when we really love each other we're willing to embrace those things. And again, that's why it's important to understand it's a two-way thing. Because why are you worrying about them being willing to embrace your needs and desires if you're not doing that for them? You have to start with you. So, you have to start with okay, am I willing to meet all of their needs and desires? I can check that box, okay. Now, what are they doing for me? And if they cannot check their box now, we say this isn't going to work. Okay, all right. But you've got to look at yourself first because too many people are saying well, they won't do this they won't do that.

But yeah, but there's things you aren't doing for them. Right. And that's not right.

Right.

And you might not be the right match. It doesn't mean you're bad or wrong.

Exactly. Just not the good fit for each other. Exactly. Okay, third thing. A third thing to tell if they really love if this person really loves you is they can be open and vulnerable with you. I think at the end of the day anyone who's truly in love with someone is at least willing to try to be more open and vulnerable, all right. Or at least has moments and that's the thing I think that that's the difference between the healed lover and the unhealed lover. The healed lover can be consistent in their vulnerability and their openness. The unhealed lover has these moments of vulnerability but then they keep pulling back, all right. Because it's like the moment scared them. It's like how the hell did I get here? How did they get me to be so? No, I'm not comfortable here let me retreat, you see. So, it's this back and forth push and pull that happens a lot of times with the unhealed person who can love you but they're so scared and that throws everything off.

Absolutely. A lot to unpack here. So many good notes that I've got taken. Feel free to put your biggest takeaway in the comments below over on YouTube. Make sure to follow Stefan. I got two final questions for you. Before I ask the final two questions, I want to acknowledge my man for always showing up. I think I've had you on, what, three or four times now? Every time there's always something new and there's always something that is reminded because I feel like we constantly need reminders. Even when we learn something one time, we need accountability and repetition of this thing for many, many years for the rest of our life. Fitness, nutrition, spirituality, love, connection, business. We need accountability and reminders. So I appreciate you for showing up constantly as a reminder for all of us listening and watching. I appreciate you for constantly diving in and doing the healing work. I know you got to write the letter tonight. And being what you talk you know, showing up as what you're coaching other people. So I acknowledge for all that my man, I appreciate you. This is called the three truths. You've answered this before. If people want to hear this question, they can go back and listen to the other version that you shared. So I won't share what you said before. But if you had to share three final things on the last day of your life, and this is all people would have to remember your lessons by the three lessons you would leave the world. and all of your content would have to go with you besides these three things. I call it the three truths. What would be your three truths that you would leave behind?

All right, truth number one would be heal. And under that healing umbrella would be don't take things personally. Don't internalize people's actions. Always embrace forgiveness. Because again, that healing has thrown people's lives off in so many ways. there are so many people who did not live the life they deserved, who were not able to be in the relationship that they deserved, who did not even walk in the purpose or career that was for them all because of a lack of healing. And so, and some people unfortunately go to the grave with that lack of healing. And so, it's such a huge part of life and so healing has to always be the first truth I would share.

Heal.

Heal. The second thing would be find yourself and your purpose as early as possible. And I say as early as possible because I think that society has created this mindset of you're young, you have time. You'll figure it out later, you know. And later becomes later and even later and then later and then what happens is you dig yourself this deep hole of where you don't belong. that it becomes hard to pull yourself out, all right. So, if it's career you may have spent the last 10 years trying to be a doctor but your life's calling was to be a teacher. And now it's so hard to walk away from the degree from all that you poured into being a doctor to now become a teacher. And that alone has derailed your life and taken you off of your true path. So, the quicker that we can find ourselves and our purpose and embrace that the better life we can live the more we can walk on the path that is for us and to me everything else falls into place from there. You see what I'm saying? Peace, happiness, love comes when we find ourselves and we find our purpose, all right.

Number three.

Number three, I'm drawing a blank but I'm going to give you a number three. Number three, so we said healing, we said find yourself, find your purpose. I guess I would just say love without holding back. You know, I think that holding back in life is no way to live, you know, and fighting vulnerability like we got to learn how to dive into vulnerability and it doesn't mean no one's ever going to hurt us but we take it for what it is because hurt is an inevitable part of life. We cannot escape that and the crazy part is you fight so hard to escape it, you dive deeper into it from a different angle, all right. So, you're going against a force you can't escape. So, instead of being able to enjoy your life in the process, you have to still deal with being hurt and you don't get to enjoy your life. You know, it's almost like would you rather have a million dollars but you're going to go broken a year or to just stay broke for the next 10 years and never have a chance of a million dollars. Just give me the million for the year at least let me experience it. Let me have that full experience in life. So, I think with love, love to your fullest, love your family to your fullest, love your partner to your fullest. Just give your whole heart. And again, don't try to stop it from being hurt. Learn how to handle the hurt that will come our way. Learn how to learn from these experiences, you know what I'm saying? Yes, have your safeguard because I guess there's some instances that can really like throw everything off. But you can be safe and still be vulnerable and still give with your whole heart. So, I think that would be the third thing because again, so many people are just not experiencing love and relationships and life at its fullest because they keep holding back. so much.

Beautiful truths. If you want to see what he shared in the previous episode, make sure to check it out. We'll link on that one below of his previous three truths. I think they might surprise you. Final question. What's your definition of greatness?

Living life to your fullest. Like really just and I'm not gonna lie. That's preaching to myself because even I've had to work on living life to my fullest. Really embracing me. Let me share this real real quick. And I think it might be important for some men to hear this. So, especially if you're a believer, I've kind of had struggles where there's this part of me that I've kind of suppressed the more, I don't want to say just masculine but it kind of is the more assertive, maybe even aggressive in some certain cases, the competitive side of me. Like, I was having a struggle the other week, not the week. I've been having a struggle a year where I always want more. And I'm like and I have to question like what's wrong with me? Why do I want more? I'm successful, I'm doing well, what why do I have to push for higher? But I have to come to terms with the fact that that's how I'm wired. And I can't suppress that. I love competition, I love a challenge. I'm the guy that doesn't believe in retiring. I'm going to always work for the rest of my life. I got to do something because to me that's living life, you know. And so, it's not for the men hearing this to think that they have to be like me, but be who you are. Tap into your true self, let it out, don't let society tell you that you can't be the man that you are. Because I do think that we're living in a world right now that is trying to undermine a lot of men that are trying to take masculinity off the table. And it's like yo, that's who you are be it, and I do believe that tapping into that the same way I believe for women tapping into their femininity is going to bring a higher quality of life, it's going to bring happiness. So, to go back to the question of what is greatness is living life to the fullest and living in your true self. There's nothing better than finding yourself being it and not giving a damn what anyone thinks. My man, you know what I'm saying?

Stefan speaks.

My friend, thank you so much for being here and listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it make sure to share it Message a few friends, text a few friends, post it on social media. Make sure to tag me, Lewis Howes and Stefan Speaks as I'd love to see who is listening and who got value out of this. If you got some value, also leave a review and share your feedback on the review section over on Apple Podcasts. We like to share those in our Greatness Newsletter to our community every week. We like to share that with people internally and also it helps more people discover this podcast. So if you're a fan, you you enjoyed this, you got value from it, leave us a rating and review and click the subscribe button right now over on Apple podcast or on Spotify and stay up to date from the latest and greatest from the School of Greatness podcast. And if you want inspiration sent to your phone every single week, text it from me to you, then text the word podcast to 614-350-3960 to get on our special texting community list.

And I want to leave you with.

This quote from author Leo Christopher who said, There's only one thing more precious than our time and that's who we spend it on.

Whoo, that is deep.

Think about your time and the people in your life that you give the most time to. Are they elevating you as well as you elevating them? Are they supporting you on your journey? Are they supporting you on your goals, your dreams? Are they the person that really supports your joy, supports your happiness? happiness that accepts you for where you're at and where you're going. Think about these things always being evaluating where you're spending your time and who you're spending your time on. And if you enjoyed this, let me know again over on social media @LouisHowes everywhere you can follow and send me a message. I try to get back to as.

Many people as possible.

But I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter, and you know what time it is, it's time to go out there and Do something great.