How Embracing My Traumatic Past Unlocked Overflowing Abundance | Lewis Howes

It's about being honest and integrous with who you are. What are you hiding? What are you afraid of? What are you ashamed of? What are you insecure about? What are you proud of? Be honest about all of it. I think that builds connection, and connection is what will move your mission forward.

We're in conversation today with Lewis Howes. Lewis Howes is an entrepreneur, author, and former pro athlete, host of the School of Greatness podcast.

When I launched my episode talking about sexual abuse 10 years ago, I remember thinking to myself, my business is over. I'm gonna have to find another way to make Everyone's gonna unfollow me. But if it helps heal one man, it is worth it to me. When someone tapped in that part of my soul, that was an open wound. The psychological and emotional wounds that I had were deep. When I started to invest in emotional healing, everything took off. My business took off, my content took off, opportunities started to come to me. Really, abundance started to flow when I started to heal the psychological and emotional wounds. the School of Greatness is proudly sponsored by Amica Insurance. As Amica says, empathy is our best policy. That's why they'll go above and beyond to tailor your insurance coverage to best fit your needs. Whether you're on the road, at home, or traveling along life's Journey, their friendly and knowledgeable Representatives will work with you to ensure you have the right coverage in place. Amica will provide you with peace of mind. Go to amica.com and get a quote today.

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Welcome, everyone. I mean, I feel like I don't even need to do an introduction with all the yelling that's already happening. But just in case, we are in conversation today with Lewis Howes, Mastering Media Impact the power of positive media. Now, I'm Swan.

Don't everyone all clap at once.

No, no, we're gonna give you the full introduction. I'm gonna give them the massive introduction. But yes, let's do a huge round of applause for Lewis Howes. And I'm Swan Sit. I used to be in corporate America as the head of digital at companies like Nike, Revlon, Estee Lauder, and thanks to Clubhouse, It changed my life and now I'm a creator, I'm on public company boards, I'm a business advisor. Now I get a lot of flack because my background is, let's just positively call it, diverse. I don't know anyone else who has a more diverse background than you, right? So I'm gonna admit, I cheated a little bit. I used ChatGPT to write an intro for you. And it said, Lewis Howes is an entrepreneur, author, and former pro athlete host of the School of Greatness, a popular podcast that features interviews with success successful and influential individuals. This podcast has garnered a large following due to its focus on success stories, personal growth, and inspirational content. Pretty good, but it fails to mention lots of other things about you that I think are equally, if not more important. You're not just an ex-pro athlete, 2x All-American, you played with the Olympic handball team, so sorry that Vcon got in the way of your Olympic planning in Paris. But it also lists other things. You had a learning disability. You were sexually abused when you were five years old. Your brother went to prison when you were eight. You didn't have a lot of friends when you were little, and you even paid two people to be in their club when you were seven. There's a lot in there. And normally, I think, a 90-minute podcast, guys, we would walk this journey. We don't have that time. We have 25 minutes. And you guys are a smart audience. You know who this incredible man is. So what we're going to do is assume that baseline of knowledge of somebody who's been vulnerable, honest, and inspirational to millions, hundreds of millions around the world, and we're going to actually jump off those topics, if that's okay with you. Nothing's off limits. You told me that? Okay. So let's start with why you're different. because there's a lot of inspirational speakers out there. You have top 10, I know it moves sometimes top 25, or let's say top 10 podcasts in the world, inspiring people. You're vulnerable, you're honest, but a lot of people have had trauma. Why do you think yours hits people in the heart, gets them to feel, and motivates them to change?

Well, I think getting in early helps. I think, you know, I've been doing it for 11 and a half years, every single week for 11 and a half years, and I think when you are that consistent and you keep seeing how you can get better every week, good things should happen to you after 11 and a half years. So I think the consistency, I'm very curious, I just care a lot about learning about people and what makes them tick and what makes them unique as well. So I really enjoy listening and having a great team. You know, I've got an amazing team at Team Greatness that care about a mission. We're on a mission to serve 100 million lives every single week. And so with the mission and kind of the metrics we have every single week of trying to improve to reach more people and getting feedback every day, I get feedback all the time on how I can improve. I think just showing up consistently after 11 and a half years, good things tend to happen.

I think you're also being modest though because being early and consistent is part of it, but the vulnerability, I mean the podcast that you had that I think talked about sexual abuse. You recorded it and didn't release it for six months. That is... And you were open about, like, I thought people were gonna hate on me, drop me, not follow me, my business would crash.

I thought I would lose my business. Yeah, this was, I don't know, nine or 10 years ago when I did this podcast. And it's still, I think, the most downloaded episode I've ever done was when I kind of opened up about that. And I think 10 years ago, people weren't really being vulnerable online. see others talk about things that had happened to them. I felt more called like if I didn't do it, I would be discounting my Creator. I was like, felt pulled to talk about it, but at the same time, I thought my business would be over. I thought everyone would unfollow me and I thought I'd be, you know, broke. But I felt like I would be doing a disservice to my mission, to God, if I didn't talk about it. And when I released it, it was the opposite. Like, I grew exponentially. And I think I realized people were craving that because a lot of people were afraid to talk about their challenges. My challenge that I dealt with for 25 years was holding on to the shame of being sexually abused. I'm not saying you should talk about your past publicly. I felt called. I felt like I was supposed to because I had a platform. I felt like I was listening to my inner voice, telling me to, but I also felt terrified. I felt like I'm done. Like everything is, everything I've worked for is over when I do this, but it, I have to do it. And so listening to that voice made it, made me do it. But I held on to not posting this episode for six months, like you mentioned. And I had a big emotional hangover for a couple of months because I got hundreds of emails from men opening up to me for the first time about their sexual abuse experience, thanking me because they didn't have the courage to talk about it themselves. And now they went and talked about it with their wives and with their families and got therapy. And I think people crave just someone being honest. You know, it's not about being authentic. I think it's about being honest. and Integris with who you are. We were talking backstage about divorcing the identity of a past that we hold on to. And I think when we hold on to having to look a certain way based on our titles or our corporate success or a follower account or whatever it might be, we hold on to that identity as opposed to just being honest about who we truly are. That will hold us back until we release it. And so that was a starting point for me. And I think once I opened that door, I couldn't go back. I wrote a book about releasing the masks that of how we all wear different masks at different times, you know, and we're all flawed human beings. I'm extremely flawed. And it's a constant reminder we were talking backstage about why I have an emotional coach, not because something's wrong with me or because I'm going through a breakdown, but because I want to keep elevating who I am and being prepared for pressure. Because the more stages that we're on, the more followers we gain, the more content we put out there, I think I was hearing Bobby talking about how she reads the comments and it's like it still affects her. There's pressure at every single level of life and being prepared for new levels of pressure, new levels of emotional weight, new levels of potential trauma that could come our way. I have a coach every month that I work with to help me regulate my nervous system, to keep me in alignment with being the most integrity that I can be, even though I'm flawed and I'm out of integrity from time, but just staying on that track. And I think by doing that, it gives me more peace. It makes me feel more calm. with pressure.

And I don't want to seem like I'm glazing over the abuse, right? The reason I'm not getting into it is because he's spoken extensively about it the first time I heard the story. I literally cried. So that is out there for you guys to see. But what came from it is such vulnerability. And I want to pull on one thing you just said, because you said there's a difference between honesty and authenticity. And all we do is talk about social and brand and authenticity, but they're different. Help us understand why.

I think authenticity, I didn't say authenticity because I know that's a word that's been thrown around in this community for the last decade. It's like authenticity is the word, but I think it's more honesty is the new level of what anyone in business or creators or content individuals should be thinking about. I think authenticity could be looking like, well, this is my personality. I show up with this authentic a personality and I- A slice of it. Yeah, it's like your personality is your authenticity, I guess, but it's like, what are you hiding? What are you afraid of? What are you ashamed of? What are you insecure about? What are you proud of? Like, be honest about all of it. And again, don't puke your vulnerability into the world every week because you get validation from it. I don't think that's authentic. I think it needs to be out of a place of service. And it needs to be saying, I'm doing this to serve one human being who listens, consumes, reads this thing that I want to share of my honesty. And the way you tell your stories through your content or your messaging, I think, reveals who you are.

Story is everything.

And when you can be honest in your storytelling in a moment, it doesn't have to be this long, vulnerable message. It can be just a moment of honesty. I think that builds connection, and connection is what will move your mission forward.

I want to talk a little bit. I want to talk a little bit about this giver mentality that you have, because you talked about from all the things in childhood, you wanted to be the biggest, the strongest, the most so no one could hurt you. And you were driven by this. But at some point there was an inflection point where you started to be driven by giving and being of service versus the darkness. Do you remember what that point was or what triggered it?

I mean, yeah, I got in a fight in the basketball court here in Los Angeles.

We pick up basketball.

And my best friend who's in the audience, Matt, he was there and he said, I don't want to be friends with you anymore if you're gonna be like this.

If we could all have friends like that.

And it really shook me emotionally because I was like, oh, this is a guy who's known me for at that point, 10 years. And when he said that, I go, oh, something's off inside of me. If my best friend doesn't want to hang out with me, if I'm going to keep reacting in life this way with anger. And so there was a wake-up call that made me say, Let me look within and ask why I'm angry. I wasn't angry all the time. I'm a loving, joyful guy, but I got, I re-reacted in moments where someone pushed my button, and we all have a button. And so when someone tapped in that part of my soul that was wounded, that hadn't healed, that was an open wound, that when someone pokes a wound, if you got a wound in your leg and someone pokes it, it's gonna hurt. But the psychological and emotional wounds that I had were deep. And We all probably have some type of psychological or emotional wound that is deep for us. For me, I didn't want anyone to know about it and I didn't want to look at them. I didn't want to address them, but they just kept showing up in movies in my mind every single day from my history. And so that was a wake-up call where I really said, I've got to invest in the emotional healing journey. It's not going to heal overnight. and it's been an 11-year journey of evolution. And that's why I continue to get coaching, to get feedback on how I can continue to evolve in different situations in my life. And I share these moments where I might get triggered still in different ways. And so that was the starting point of it. And when I started to invest in emotional healing, the journey of it, everything took off. My business took off, my, you know, content took off, opportunities started to come to me. And again, there's been different ups and downs and breakdowns in my life in the last 10 years, but it really abundance started to flow when I started to heal the psychological and emotional wounds. And instead of saying, how do I become number one? How do I become the biggest, the best, the most? well known, I started to say, how do I be of highest service to humanity? And in business, it's challenging because you have to measure metrics and you need to make money and you need to make sure your team is in alignment with your mission and you need to, you know, you've got to still run a business and you've got to manage egos and all that stuff. But I made a decision from that point when I launched my podcast, Just a show of hands, how many people have heard of the School of Greatness just so I'm aware of School of Greatness? Okay, cool. When I launched it, I made a conscious decision because some of my friends were like, Just call it the Lewis Howes Show. And I go, that's what my ego wants, but that's not what, you know, my soul wants to serve. And if I really want to transform from the inside out, again, I'm not gonna be perfect. But if I want to be in service, it can't just be me. So I've almost had a challenge in the last year because so many people on my team are like, Lewis, people want to hear more from you. You've put everyone, the spotlight on everyone in the show for the last 11 and a half years. It's the School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. It's not the Lewis Howes Show. Not saying that would be bad to make it the Lewis Howes Show. I'm not saying that, but I knew in that moment it needed to be.

Bigger than me and it needed to.

Not be about me so that I can continue to heal. And by making it about others, it elevated me and them, not just me. And when I focused out on saying, how can I get the most out of the person in front of me and serve them to serve a community, that's what supported it as well. So it's been an ongoing journey of releasing the ego, while at the same time, my team is like, Louis, you have to put more personal content out. So I've been in this game of social media and content for, I don't know, since 2007, 2008 on LinkedIn. And I, so I understand personal branding with the best of them, right? I understand it. But at the same time, my soul wants to serve. by elevating others up. But now my team is like, if you wanna serve at a greater level, you've gotta put yourself out there. So I still get a little.

I.

Don'T know if self-conscious the right way, but I don't want my ego to be the focus with me on camera, if that makes sense. So it's just a dance of like making sure when I am doing personal content of me, how can I not make it about me but serve others.

But Louis, the people who wonder if their ego is too big are never the people who have the big egos.

Right? You gotta always be in check though. The ego will creep up. The ego will constantly try to say, oh, it feels pretty good to be on that cover of that magazine. Oh man, you figured it out. Oh man, you just hit four million followers. Like, that's pretty cool. You figured it out. Like, it's pretty, you know, it's always gonna creep in. This is why I have an emotional psychological coach to keep me focused on a vision of service. And it doesn't mean you can't celebrate self for the accomplishments. I think it's knowing that sure, take a moment, take a day to be like, wow, what a great moment. We've hit these milestones. We've got this opportunity. I'm on stage at V-Con. Cool. All these things are cool, but don't always make it about the accomplishments, make it about the impact and the results of the community that you're engaging with.

I want to circle back to this point because we talked backstage and you brought it up about your identity and even your self-worth tied to achievement, right? And you just said right now it's of service to the people, it's the impact, it's not the numbers. But we love the numbers, right? I'm not going to lie. Sometimes when I look at a post and I'm like, oh my God, that got half the amount of engagement it used to. Isn't me? Is it, right? That's it as high performing humans, we're wired that way. but, you know, I got this dream job at Nike and I struggled. I was out in a year and a half. And when I left, my immigrant parents, I was born in Hong Kong, my whole self-worth was professional achievement. So I went to Harvard, then I went to Columbia, then I worked at all the right companies like Bain and Nike and Estee Lauder. And then when I had nothing to tell people, my world crashed. Not just my identity, but my entire self-worth. I was like, what am I worth in this world. And as much as we say it doesn't matter, it kind of matters a little, right? So what tools would you recommend for helping people? We say it doesn't matter, we should divorce it. What can you do? Is it daily practice of gratitude, which I know you're big on, you do a lot of work every week or every month with your coach, but like we tell people it's important to do, we don't give them steps to do that.

Yeah, one of the hardest things when you're trying to build online is to this to not need the validation of the followers, the comments, and I needed it for a long time.

I still probably do sometimes.

And again, it goes back and forth from like business metrics and we have, you know, every week we have metric check-ins with our team. And so it's one thing is getting feedback for the business growth. The other thing is not letting our ego get in the way if we aren't validated online the way we'd like to be. And I think it's putting the focus back on the feedback of results for the business versus am I getting the followers, the views, the engagement that I'm used to getting or whatever. For whatever reason, you know, when I started, I needed the validation of everyone. And in the last three years, I really only need the validation of a couple of people, if that. I mean, it's really at the end of the day, myself and my fiance Martha that I need acceptance from and God. The rest is wanting respect from my friends and making sure that we're in harmony and we have alignment as friends, having alignment with my team and making sure there's harmony there. But I have pulled back my rela- I used to want to be friends with everyone, but in the last three years, have very little friends. And it's because it just feels better to not seek external validation and know that as long as I'm living in service, I'm focused on my mission every single week, and I'm trying to give my best whenever I do an interview or create content, that's what I focus on. And again, going back to business metrics, the team has got to hit certain results. and I'm here to coach and I'm here to support and I'm here to give feedback and guide and it's always going to evolve what results look like online. Every week things are changing with algorithms. But algorithms can be one. They can be one if you learn the strategies. It's why we're here at VCON, right? It's like they can be one if you're willing to keep trying and testing. And so I'll never let someone say, oh, it's, we had a down month because it's not working anymore. And we're just gonna accept it. That doesn't work for me, because I know if you just put a little bit extra effort in and researching and testing new things, you will get better results. It may not happen right away. That's why we constantly look to test things, and they will always be different a month in the future, a year in the future. What works now isn't gonna work in the future. And so it's. It's not needing the validation of. the audience growth, but also focusing on how we can innovate constantly to get results, to serve the business vision and mission. You know that old saying, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. I think that goes for how we live too. It's not just what we do, it's the energy, the intention, the presence we bring. And that's exactly what the Range Rover Sport brings to the road. The Range Rover Sport is built to take on roads anywhere without any unnecessary details. It combines a dynamic sporting personality with elegance and agility and delivers an instinctive drive. Its assertive stance hints at an equally refined driving performance. Defining true modern luxury, the Range Rover Sport features the latest innovations in comfort and convenience. The Cabin Air Purification System alongside the Active Noise Cancellation creates a new level of quality comfort and control. Terrain Response 2 offers seven terrain models to choose from, fine-tuning the vehicle for any challenging roads ahead. build your Range Rover Sport at range.rover.com/us/sport.

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And again, if it comes down to it, we want to serve 100 million lives every single week. In the last few weeks, we reached 50 million people weekly as one of our highest weeks in years. But I also have to remind myself that if I put out a piece of content, if I put out an interview, and if one per I swear to you that I think this way. If it doesn't get a million views, it's gonna be like, okay, it's not the end of the world, right? Sure, it's great if everything gets a million views, but if it doesn't happen, my soul, I swear to God, my soul is still okay if one person is deeply impacted. And if they send me a message or if they send our support team like, hey, this one video, this interview, help me get out of a toxic relationship, help me heal my relationship with money, help me have a deeper relationship with my mom or my dad or my partner, whatever it is, help me quit smoking. It's worth it for me. It's worth it. And it's hard. I mean, it's hard, but it's worth it. And when I launched my episode talking about, you know, sexual abuse 10 years ago, I remember thinking to myself, my business is over. I'm gonna have to find another way to make money. Everyone's gonna unfollow me. But if it helps heal one man, it's worth it to me. My life made a difference to that man. It is worth it to me.

And.

You know, I'm just, I don't know. I feel like I'm blessed to be in this position. I dreamed as a kid to be in this position that I'm in to be able to help people. I dreamed of this moment. I was talking with my fiance, Martha, this morning. I dreamed of the house we have right now growing up. Like we have a sanctuary that we've worked so hard to build. My younger self, my inner child, is living his dream and It really doesn't matter if we reach 100 million lives every single week. That's my goal, that's our mission. But if we can serve people daily and be of help, be useful, that's what I think matters.

You know, we didn't talk about it, but that's the way I approach it too, right? I slogged in academia and the corporate world, you find purpose when you get that dopamine hit when you feel like you've helped someone.

Yeah.

Like there's no better feeling in the world. And that's how you know you find purpose, right?

And we can get easily distracted.

Going.

Through the motions of creating content or doing tasks in the business or whatever it might be. That's why every Monday on our team calls, we really focus on community impact. We read, each individual reads A testimonial based on their platform of how they made a difference in someone's lives. And again, there's some days I'm probably a boss and I'm probably could be better in a lot of ways. But if we focus on how can we impact lives, there's nothing else I'd rather do. Even if someone offered me all the money in the world to sell my business, I'd be like, what do I want to do? I just want to go help someone else in another way and just like serve. Serve.

Serve.

How can I serve through my uniqueness, through my talents, through my gifts, through my skills that I'm developing? How can we serve at a greater level? I just think that's a meaningful life.

I'm gonna ask you a question that I've been asked, and I am stumped for an answer, and I'm hoping you can help. You've talked a lot about men not being taught to deal with their emotions, talk about their feelings, to front, shame and guilt. And you even wrote a book on that, and you've inspired so many men to go on this EQ journey. What do you think now about this faction that think men have gotten too soft? They're not alpha enough, they're not big protectors. I mean, is this Goldilocks? It's too hot, too cold. Where is the middle? How do we actually help people get to the right barometer? Because if you just follow the noise on social, you would think that we're completely 180 now.

It says we have 10 seconds. Are we allowed to go?

I'm. I'm.

I'll get in trouble.

They can yell at me, please, because this is one that actually multiple men have asked, and I don't have an answer.

Oh, man, this is weird. Should I be authentic or honest in this moment? I mean, honest.

That's an honest.

No.

Honest.

I just.

I just really think as a man, I'll speak for myself, I really think as a man I'm supposed to. I really think as a man I'm supposed to become the best version of myself. And that means being 100% courageous with my words, 100% courageous with my my body and my health and 100 courageous with my ability to make a difference in people's lives. And I'm going to continue on with my honesty in this, but I want to set the context. I just think a lot of men don't have a purpose. And I'm not saying what type of purpose you need, but I think men, a lot of men don't have a clear vision for their lives, and they react to a lot of things. those who don't have a purpose, they're reactive. And a man who is not willing to fully commit to being on a healthy journey so they can be as mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically fit.

Is.

Doing a disservice to their friends, their family, and their future self. And I think your future self will thank you when you have the courage to fully take on your life physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually, and saying, I'm here to protect and serve the inner child inside of me first. And most men lack the courage to protect and serve the healing journey of their inner child. And when they do that, when they lack that ability, they wear a mask. They wear a mask to try to fit in. to try to hook up with as many women as they can, to try to make as much money so they can look good, whatever it might be. They try to deflect when they get feedback, as opposed to saying, Thank you for the feedback. I'm going to take a look at that and see if I can improve in some way. Not meaning all feedback is right or wrong, but how can I take a look at that and not take it personally, but elevate myself in becoming a better human on a consistent basis. And I think men with a lack of purpose are dangerous men for themselves and for them around them because they're wandering. They're aimlessly wandering as opposed to this is my mission, whether it's right or wrong, at least I'm clear on my mission. And when a mission is focused on something besides you, even if it's your dream, even if it's like I have a gift or a talent that I want to go pursue something and accomplish something, That's fine if you also have, I want to do it in the service of inspiring or impacting others in that journey and process. And when it's just about me looking good, I think that's weakness. But when it's about me becoming the greatest version of me to serve and elevate humanity around me, I think that's greatness.

You said ask you anything, so I went with a hard one. Okay, we are out of time. I'm gonna get in trouble even though we would all love to sit here and pick your brain for 10 hours because we don't often get you in the hot seat. But I'm just gonna ask you one last question and you get one sentence as a response. Fast forward to the end of your life. You've achieved everything you want. You and Martha have an incredible life, incredible family. You're reaching a billion people a week. What do you want to be most remembered for?

That I cared deeply, that I had a big heart, and that when people around me, they felt loved.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lewis Howes.

Thank you.

Thank you. So we just had a fun conversation on stage, and I wanted to answer some more questions that came from this talk. So this is a little ask me anything. Got a few questions that came from some of the audience that I wanted to banned upon from this conversation at V-Con. And I just thought it was a beautiful interview on stage and I'm just so grateful for that opportunity that I got to experience. Make sure to check out more of what Gary Vaynerchuk is doing as well. And he's doing some amazing things. But this is a question that came in after this because I talked about honesty versus authenticity. For many years, the last decade, we've heard the word authenticity thrown around a lot. And I think it's important to be authentic. But someone asked me, could you go a little bit deeper between honesty and authenticity? How can being honest about things we're not proud of or even ashamed of help our business or our personal brand? And I'll give you a very intimate example of this. A little over 10 years ago, I opened up on my podcast and on my platform about my experience of dealing with sexual abuse as a five-year-old. And how that kind of shaped me and scarred me and hurt me and really made me driven to achieve and to try to prove people wrong and also driven to be great in sports so that I could protect myself again from anyone trying to harm me in the future. And I thought that my business and my life and my career was over if I was going to share this. But I also felt called. I felt like I was being dishonest if I wasn't opening up about it, seeing that I did have a platform. And I don't recommend everyone share their biggest pain or shame or traumas publicly. I don't think it's for everyone to do that. But I felt like after time of doing my own healing work and my own journey of healing and speaking with people one by one and professional therapist and then family and then friends, I felt more of a call of like a duty or responsibility to really speak up about it and to share about it on my platform. And I just kind of kept hearing this voice like, if you can help one man overcome the pain, the shame, the trauma that they've experienced, if you can help one human start to heal, then it's worth it. Now, who knows? Maybe it wouldn't have been worth it if I would have been broken on the streets and my business would have crumbled. But my business by being more than authentic because authentic is really about expressing your personality and being yourself. But being honest is really kind of being willing to share and reveal things about you that in my mind, I used to think if people actually knew this about me, no one would like me. no one would love me, no one would accept me, no one would follow me, no one would buy from me. And I can never share these things. If I have that fear, if it consumes me that, ah, if anyone knew this about me, no one would ever accept me. That thing, in definition, has power over me. It is controlling me, it's consuming me, it's holding me back from being more than authentic, but being honest. And I think honesty is another level of authenticity. It's revealing the layers where the personality, you can be your playful self, you can do your bag of tricks and express your personality and use all your talents and things that are your personality. That's authentic. But I think honesty is diving into a different level of opening up and just expressing yourself in deeper level. So for me, you know, how can being honest about things we're not proud of or even ashamed of help our business or our personal brand? Again, I don't think we should share every trauma or every traumatic thing or everything we're ashamed of. I don't think that's something that you need to do. But I think there are some things if you keep hearing a voice, if you keep hearing like a poll or calling like, huh, maybe there's an opportunity for for me to be more real or honest around this thing. And by actually doing so, I can actually serve more people, actually help more people and connect deeper to an audience that could ultimately support my personal brand. Now, I think if you're doing it as a gimmick to say, Hey, I'm going to open up about this and be honest about stuff from my past and it's going to help me grow my personal brand, that's not being authentic. that is being gimmicky or that is being a strategic and saying, let me share certain things that, you know, are trying to pull at people in a certain way to build audience. I thought the opposite. I was like, if I share this, things are done for me. I'm done. But I felt like it was more important to do it and lose everything and hopefully help a few people than to be in authentic and therefore dishonest and not open up about these things. Again, you don't have to do these things. I felt the pull and in return, I think because I was willing to do it not because I wanted to grow an audience but because I wanted to serve people and I wanted to help other men who had been struggling with this, things started to really grow in a big way after that. And I started to feel more comfortable within my skin. No, I wasn't perfect overnight. I still struggled with things, but year after year, I felt like I was able to step more into who I am, turning honesty into true authenticity. And I think we can merge those two. Powerful things can happen for your brand. Another question that came in from you all is, do you have any tips for building genuine connection with an audience? I used to be really afraid of speaking in public. I used to be afraid to be on stages, whether it be 10 people in a room, me standing up in front of a group of people, it was terrifying, or me in front of a hundred or thousands of people, it was terrifying. And I could get nervous for weeks before knowing that I had to present. It would just cripple me and it really terrified me. I went to Toastmasters every week for a year in Columbus, Ohio. Shout out Columbus, Ohio Toastmasters. And there were some credible leaders, men and women in those rooms that I was able to watch them present effectively different styles. And then I was able to get up there weekly and practice a three to five minute speech and get feedback from all the members of the group. And they really lifted me up in a big way. They welcomed me in. I was 23 or 24 years old. I was one of the youngest people in the group. Everyone was 10, 15, 20 years older who were leaders of companies in Columbus, Ohio that were sharpening their skills. And I went in there and I was just horrible. I was really bad. And I was nervous and I was just very uncomfortable because I didn't have the skill of connection with an audience, whether it be a small group or a bigger group. So you need to train yourself to develop the skill. You need to be in front of people, and I recommend finding format or a platform like Toastmasters where you can go weekly or even once a month and practice the skill. That is step one, overcoming the fear by putting yourself in the situation and practicing and developing the skill of communication to an audience. Unless you have that naturally because you did that in school and you were always, it was always easy for you to stand in front of a room of your peers and you just have that skill already. I didn't have that skill. I was terrified. So I needed to learn how to develop that skill. I did that every week for a year. And I remember I started actually after that year, I actually started getting paid, you know, 500 for a speech and local workshops. I started putting on my own workshops. I started getting speaking gigs at bigger events. I started making thousands of dollars, right, within a couple years after that. And I wouldn't have been able to, to earned that type of money had I not gone all in on the fear to develop the talent of practicing every single week and really trying to master that craft. And I still haven't mastered the art of like being in front of a crowd. There's different levels of execution of connection, but I got to a pretty comfortable place where I could bring a crowd together and communicate a message and enroll people in vision. But I remember this one thing that really helped me. after years of doing this, I still felt nervous in front of an audience. I still felt anxious before a big event. And there were two things that I got from friends and mentors who coached me up on this. One was from a leader and a professional who had a bunch of big New York Time best-selling books. to who spoke in front of 15, 20,000 people at massive conventions. And he is a leader in an industry that I remember asking him a question. I go, what happens if you're at an event, 15,000 people and you get nervous? What do you do? Or like, what if you're forgetting something you want to say? Like, how do you make sure you stay on top of your game and really captivate an audience still? And he told me something great, which I still hold on to today. He said, if I ever get it like I'm thrown off, or I'm not sure, or I forget something, or I'm feeling nervous or scared, I focus on someone in the first few rows and I literally just look at one person and I speak as if they're the only one in the room and I speak to them. What they're going through, what I think they might be experiencing, I judge their appearance and their age and I read their energy and I just try to speak to that one person. I'll only look at that one person. and I might be there for a minute or two and I'll speak to them and really try to captivate them. And by doing so, it's almost like I speak to the entire 15,000 people at the same time when I'm able to connect to one person. So if you ever feel nervous or insecure or something's off, bring it to.

One person and just see if you.

Can be with that person, really connect with them, look them in the eyes, be present with them, and think about how can I show up for this one individual? Not how do I make sure the entire room is connected to me, but connect to one. That was a great piece of advice I got that I've used. And another one was from a coach and friend of mine. It was about an hour before a big gig that I had. I had a big event. This is, I don't know, six or seven years ago. I think there was about 10, 000 people in the audience. It was one of my biggest events at that time. I remember saying, gosh, I've been like at this point, eight to ten years, I've been speaking on stages, I've made a lot of money speaking at events, and I was feeling nervous and insecure. And I was like, and I called him about an hour before and go, why am I still feeling nervous? Shouldn't I feel more confident? Shouldn't I feel like this is easy for me now? And he said something that I'll never forget. He said, you know, you're making this about you. You're focused too much on how you look, how you're going to try to make people laugh, trying to memorize certain things that are going to make you look good, and you're focused on being perfect. You need to throw that out the window. You may make a mistake. You may forget that joke. You may stutter and stumble on stage from time to time. And you need to accept that. You need to own it. Know that that's probably going to happen. You're not going to be the best speaker in the world. But if you can make it not about me, but about service, how can I just show up with my energy to give my best to serve this audience? Knowing that I'm not going to look perfect, knowing that I'm going to make a mistake, knowing that it's not going to be 100% what I want it to be, and knowing that I could always make it better, how can I show up to serve this audience in this 30 minute, 60 minute window? How can I just add as much value? and when you focus on the audience rather than looking good, then you're going to win. You're going to win because you're making it about other people and not about yourself. And I thought that was a great piece of advice. So those two things when you're thinking about building a genuine connection with an audience. Another one that I question I got coming through says you spoke about emotional and psychological wounds. What are some warning signs that one is getting activated that needs healing. I think anything like feeling heart palpitations, feeling stressed, feeling anxious, feeling headaches, anything in your body where you feel like, Man, I'm feeling something's off in life. And it might be a response to an uncomfortable conversation or feeling stressed at work or maybe a relationship has crossed a boundary that you haven't communicated yet. Any of those type of physical reactions that you feel in your body. Something doesn't feel peaceful, something doesn't feel calm. There may be something there. I'm not saying there's always something there, but you might have something there. Your body is responding physically. It's reacting to a response, a stimulus in the world, in your environment, in your conversations. And when you can first notice those responses within you, then you can say.

Why am I feeling anxious?

Why am I feeling stressed? Why am I feeling overwhelmed? Is there something to look at that I can work on and start to heal? Are there memories from the past that are causing me to feel reactive and stressed and overwhelmed in this relationship and this career that I'm in and this social dynamic? And when you can take a look at those things and start to heal that journey and go on that healing journey, I think you can start to respond to things differently. And again, you're always going to experience some type of stress in life, but do you need to hold on to that stress for so long? When you feel anxious, can you feel it for a shorter window of time and get back to a place of peace and calm and harmony? And I think that's the real goal, is to figure out where these triggers are coming from, start the healing journey, and create skills and tools to support you in being responsive with peace and calm in situations versus reactive and overwhelmed. And I've done a lot of work over the years in many different types of therapies, and I think you can go down the path of figuring out which therapies or therapeutic experiences could be best for you in that healing journey. And I think there's a few more questions here, but I think that will wrap up today's conversation. I hope that you enjoyed this interview that I had on stage. I really enjoyed being able to be authentic and honest at the same time. I hope there was some value in there and some of the conversations we talked about, and I hope these additional questions that came in support you in your journey as well. If you have other questions for me, if you want me to do more solo conversations where I'm answering questions from you directly, feel free to email us at support@greatness.com or you can tag me on Instagram or social media. Again, make sure to subscribe over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify on YouTube and stay up to date on the latest and greatest from the School of Greatness podcast.

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