How To Find Inner Peace That Lasts & Defeat Crippling Self-Doubt FOR GOOD [BONUS EPISODE Presented By BetterHelp]

This episode was sponsored by BetterHelp online therapy. Big thanks to Hasu Joe, licensed therapist and head of clinical operations at BetterHelp. Hasu Joe is not my actual therapist and we are not in a therapist client relationship. Also, just because you might hear something on the show that sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis. You'll want to find a qualified professional to assess and explore diagnosis if that's important to you. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. And you'll understand why something happened. Something that could be Horrific or it could be little traumas. You know, there's big T, little T traumas. There could be massive abuse or, you know, a death or a massive breakup or breakdown. Or it could be someone just saying mean things to you continuously throughout your life or you feeling neglected or you feeling abandoned. Even when you had a family that was a home all the time. If we don't learn to understand the meaning behind it and if we don't give it a meaning that supports and serves us in our present, then we can take action, we can work hard, we can get great results, but we still may not feel fully aligned and harmonic inside of us. And I think that's what I want my listeners to understand, is this idea of feeling inner peace, a feeling, a sense of calm, even when the world might feel chaotic. And I'm not saying to, you know, that if you do react from time to time, there's nothing wrong with that, because maybe you do need to protect yourself from a fight or flight moment, and maybe you need to run away or create a quick boundary with, with someone. But in general, if we're constantly living in this chronic anxiety for when we don't have to, I think that hurts us. And it's good to find the, find the meaning of why certain things happen and how we can reinterpret them and rewrite these stories to support us in our present and our future. And a lot of it is for our future relationships as well. So we don't continue the generational trauma that was passed down by our parents and their parents and so on. So we have the tools to break that cycle. Another, you know, speaking about that cycle, another topic I talk about in the greatest mindset is these self-sabotaging thoughts. that I just feel like so many of us either have or have had. I'm raising my hand as someone who's had these most of my life of just this thought of like, you're an idiot, you're a dummy, you're stupid. That wasn't good enough. How could you do that? Why did you say that? That was a stupid thing to say. Kind of like these thoughts that I used to say for probably 25 years of my life until I learned tools on how to catch myself. I feel like a lot of people resonate with that by saying nasty things to themselves. And Hasu, if we recorded the thoughts in our mind and played them on a loudspeaker to the world, for most people, they probably put them in a mental hospital if they heard the thoughts they said about themselves. I know I would have gone to a mental hospital for most of my life until I shifted it. And I think we would never allow someone to speak to us the way we talk to ourselves at times. We would never allow our best friend or our family members to speak to us negatively over and over and over again, but some of us do this and it doesn't help us. I'm curious, how can therapy really help us understand how to get a hold and manage and control these negative thoughts that are on loops and patterns every day for so many of us?

I'm not going to be able to answer that question for someone in the time that we have, but an introduction to this is, you know, therapy is going to help you get down to something called core beliefs or core schemas. Sometimes that might be as black and white as, I am unworthy, I'm not valuable, not important, not smart. and then all the other negative self-talk comes from these beliefs that you may hang on to about yourself. And so in therapy, you're really going to examine what are the origins of these core beliefs, and you may start learning of ways to challenge these beliefs with evidence from your life. There's little quick techniques that you'll learn from your therapist about how to stop your own thinking, how to identify when you're having an automatic thought or an automatic response to a trigger in your life. Oh, and I just thought of something. You know, you said the way that we talk to ourselves, we would not allow another person, especially that's close to us, to talk to us that way. We also would not speak that way to somebody that we care about, the ways that we speak to ourselves in this negative fashion. Like, sometimes I have clients flip it around and ask them, So is that something that you would say to so and so, or, you know, have them think of somebody, right, right. Or have them think of somebody that's loving and supportive in their life and ask them earnestly, would that person ever say those things to you? Does that person think those things about you? So if the people that you care about deeply and most in your life would never say or think those things, where does it come with for you? Or where does it come from for you? And that's something that you explore very deeply in therapy. which can be really painful because it means you're confronting a lot of stuff that you've been pushing away. You're coming head-on with a lot of stuff that you may have denied in order to protect your feelings and the ways that you are. So, you know, self-saboteur, where does it come from? It comes from a lot of things that happen to us as children, any negative event. Of course, it makes sense that we pay attention to pain because we want to be able to address that stuff and bring healing. So, you know, I think it's interesting.

You'Re saying that because, you know, if, if everyone did this thought experiment and said, okay, who's the person in your life or in the world that you respect the most? I don't know. I'm just, you know, is there, you know, a grandparent or your parents or, you know, some athlete or a president of, you know, something that you really was like, I respect this person. If I met them in person, I would only say kind and generous things to them. I wouldn't say these negative things that I say to myself. Is this a matter of that we lack respect of self? And that's why we're willing to say these hurtful things to ourselves over and over again because we have no respect for ourselves? Or why do you think we allow this abuse to happen to ourselves over and over and over? There are other people that might have abused us in our past, but we are the abusers of today if we keep saying these nasty things. Is it because we lack respect or is it because we have not healed and create a wholeness inside of ourselves to speak more kindly?

-I think for some people it can certainly come from a lack of self-respect. I think for a lot of people it also comes from that core belief that I deserve this. I deserve bad stuff to happen to me because I am a bad person. So that's where we're talking about shame. Shame is generally self-inflicted. It can be certainly added onto by different people. But shame is the sense that I did this bad thing and I feel bad, and I did it because I'm bad. Guilt is a little bit different. For guilt, it's like, I feel bad about doing this thing because now somebody else feels bad, like it wasn't whatever. But folks that are experiencing guilt without shame, They're not also adopting the idea that they did this bad thing or this bad thing happened to them because they are a bad person. So I think a lot of times we're allowing ourselves to continue this negative self-talk because somewhere deep inside we think we deserve it. And that can come from a lot of stuff, especially childhood. You know, little, little, tiny, little kids, they're experiencing everything every day for the first time. They are shaping their worldview. And if they have a childhood full of emotional neglect, overt physical or emotional abuse, it only makes sense for them to try to make sense of that. Bad stuff is happening. It must be because I'm bad. There's no other explanation. This person, my mom, is supposed to love me more than anybody. And if she's doing this terrible thing, it's probably because I'm bad. There's no other way to make sense of that. And to a five-year-old, that does make sense to that five-year-old turned into a 50-year-old that hasn't resolved all this stuff. They're still walking around out there thinking that they deserve every bad thing that's ever happened and every bad thing that they do. It's because they're a bad person.

So how do we. I mean, you know, obviously, obviously, online therapy and better help supports you in realizing that you are not a bad person. Or getting to a place of creating amends if you've done things that you're not proud of, or if you are feeling guilty or shameful of things, allowing yourself to forgive yourself and create peace and harmony. And it doesn't happen always in a moment, okay, I forgive myself for these things or treating myself this way or treating others this way. It's a process. You know, healing is a journey. Creating this peace takes time. But over time, you should create this alignment and congruence where your core beliefs of, okay, maybe I did things I'm not proud of, but it doesn't mean I'm bad at my core. And now I'm going to rebuild my integrity with myself. I'm going to rebuild my value with me. I'm going to consciously make different decisions moving forward so that I can harmonize that I can build congruency with my who I am, where I was from my past and create meaning there and have more alignment of where I am today moving forward so that I feel good about me. So again, if you're looking for a clearer direction in your life, if you're looking for some healing, if you're looking for just more joy and freedom and peace of mind, then I encourage you to go to betterhelp.com/lewis. Again, you get 10% off the first month when you do that so you can try it for a month. and explore it. Check it out. You can find a therapist and you can switch, I believe, at any time. So if you're feeling like, yeah, maybe this isn't working for me. Let me try someone different. You can do that as well over at betterhelp. They've got, again, online support. So if you have any questions, you can ask them questions right on the website. Again, betterhelp.com/lewis. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes. in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels @LewisHowes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us to continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness Newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com/newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.