How to Go All In On Your Dreams & Live In Your Greatness w/ Gabby Bernstein EP 1407

I don't want people to die with their dreams inside of them. I don't want them to regret not giving it a shot, not giving it a go. And it doesn't matter if we fail on our mission or our dreams and our goals. To be honest, it really doesn't matter. What matters is if we are willing to welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Are you ready to level up your business? Intuit QuickBooks has got your back. Forget stressing over unpaid invoices or tracking expenses. QuickBooks takes care of all that so you can focus on growing. Let QuickBooks be your all-in-one tool to help with the day-to-day tasks so you can stay focused on the big picture. Manage and grow your business all in one place. Intuit QuickBooks, your way to money. Get 90% off for three months. Limited time only. Terms and conditions apply. Money movement services are provided by Intuit Payments Inc. Licensed as a money transmitter by the New York State Department of Financial Services. The School of Greatness is proudly sponsored by Amica Insurance. As Amica says, Empathy is our best policy. That's why they'll go above and beyond to tailor your insurance coverage to best fit your needs. Whether you're on the road, at home, or traveling along life's journey, their friendly and knowledgeable representatives will work with you to ensure you have the right coverage in place. Amika will provide you with peace of mind. Go to amika.com and get a quote today. Fuel your greatness with wonderful pistachios, no shells. Wonderful pistachios is a great source of protein with zero guilt. Each one ounce serving has six grams of protein, giving you over 10% of your daily value. Pistachios are known for their protein power, fiber, and better for you, unsaturated fats. for a combination that may help keep you feeling Fuller longer. And now there's a new way to snack strong with unsalted no shells holding the salt, not the flavor for a snack that packs a protein punch. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more. If you've listened to the school of.

Greatness podcast for a while, you know how important acceptance is when it comes to personal growth.

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I'm back with one of my favorite people who not only are you one of my favorite people to hang out with and someone who I just cherish as a friend, but my absolute favorite Podcast collab. Hands down.

Good to see you. Yeah.

Don't tell anyone. But you really are my favorite.

I love it. I love every time we get together. I love it when we get together. We get to share. You know what I feel like is fun about connecting with you, Gabby, is you're always like this publicly, but when we're together privately also, we just, we don't have any surface conversations. We just go right to the heart. And that's, that's what I love talking about, that stuff. So.

That's why these interview episodes are actually not interviews. I call them big talks because there's no small talk here. It's just big talk, but it's because that's how I do life. Like I just, I don't do small talk and you know that there's just no time for it. I just go in deep really fast. So I'm here with you because, well, there's so many reasons. There's always so much to talk about. And well, before we started, you were just talking about how you're waking up happy every day. and I want to start there because I've seen, you and I have seen each other through a lot. We've been friends for a decade about.

And 13 years almost.

13 years, holy crap. And I have seen you through a lot, you've seen me through a lot, and we're now both in a similar place where 10 years of hard work for overnight success, it works, it pays off. There's payoff. It does. Yeah, and it didn't come without commitment.

Exactly.

But we were celebrating.

Yeah.

Yeah, it feels good.

In that daily goodness, what do you think is really the biggest thing that you can say was contributing to that waking up good every day?

A couple things. One, it's interesting because this, in two weeks of our recording this, it will be my 10 year anniversary of my podcast School of Greatness. after 10 years, I feel like I'm just getting started. I feel like I've figured out and made a lot of mistakes and tried a bunch of stuff. And now I feel like, okay, I can get going now. And nine and a half years ago, about six months into the show, I had a guest on, a friend of mine named Chris Lee, and he guided me through this guided visualization about essentially a dream relationship scenario. what it would look like, what it would feel like. You know, I closed my eyes, we put on music, and he guided me through this. And I remember saying that I wanted to wake up next to someone who smiled and had tears in their eyes because they were so grateful to be with me. And I said this in my, you know, guided visualization to him nine and a half years ago. So I had, I painted a picture of what I wanted. The challenge is I didn't follow what I wanted. I followed based on trauma and wounds that were really still unconscious to me and more so reacted based on wounds, desires, things like that, as opposed to my vision and my meaningful relationship dream that I had. And so I spent essentially eight years, kind of repeating the same pattern unconsciously. And it wasn't until there was enough pain, repetitive pain internally in my inner world, where I finally was able to wake up and start doing the healing work around intimacy and relationship. Ten years ago, I started to do healing work around other traumas, but I hadn't done it around intimacy and relationships with my intimate partner. So, the last ten years has been an amazing journey of a lot of beautiful times and a lot of challenging, painful times where I got to just keep practicing, keep doing the work, and showing up for myself. And it wasn't until about two years ago when I finally was able to say, okay, I've played this game and I've repeated this pattern many times now. The common denominator has been me. I'm responsible for all the results I've created. And now I gotta learn how to heal and do something differently inside of me. If I want to create a different external result and if I want to have a different environment and a different feeling. And that's what I did a couple years ago. I really dove into healing that kind of relationship wound, which tied back to childhood as well, which I've talked to you about. And there was a moment after about five months of intensive therapy, I'm talking about I've done eight hour Saturday sessions with a therapist where we just go in deep and I do different exercises and healing and therapeutic experiences. And I've done that over and over again for the last two years consistently, not that long every Saturday, but every couple of weeks doing a session. And there was one session after about five months of doing this where I was in a lot of stress in a previous relationship. where I finally, it's like all of it finally connected analytically and emotionally to my heart, where the pain disintegrated in my heart. I was feeling contractions kind of off and on and just kind of like a low level stress, not sure what to do. And it finally all connected where I felt peace. And I've had that feeling for the last two years. It's been amazing.

What I love that you're saying is that, first of all, that pain disintegrated into peace. Was that your exact words? I mean, it was just like poetic.

It literally felt like there was a ball of pain in my heart and chest for a period of time. And then one day, I don't know how else to explain it, it felt like something unlocked in that pain center. And it just felt like it was kind of moving throughout my body, but it was like just trickling and disintegrating. And then I was like, huh, the pain literally in a moment went away. Now it took five months of intensive training and integration for me to feel it go away, but it was literally a moment when it happened and it didn't come back.

What do you think it was in that five months that allowed you to get to that moment?

I had a lot of emotional support with my coach slash therapist. I changed something in my life for the first time. that I'd never done before. And that was I stopped abandoning myself. And for many, many years in relationships, I would abandon myself to please someone else's emotions and feelings. And I would change who I was. I would change my most authentic self to make someone else feel more comfortable or make someone happier or whatever it might be that they wanted. And the thing that I did is I loved being single. because I felt peace. When I get into relationships, I want to feel peace. And I realized that it wasn't the other people, you know, nothing wrong with the people I was choosing, but it just wasn't in full alignment of my highest self and my vision. And so I was too afraid to have someone not like me or love me or accept me. That was my biggest fear, was not being accepted by someone that you know, I had chosen to be in a relationship with. And therefore I wanted to, you know, make sure they were always were happy and make sure they felt good and make sure they felt comfortable in all these things. But I would do that at the expense of my authentic self, my values, my vision, what I felt like my, my mission in life was at that time. And, and then I was the one that was suffering in the end when I would do that. So again, there was never anyone else's responsibility but my own. I just didn't have the tools. I didn't have the wisdom. I didn't have the integration of how to implement that and sit with the uncomfortable feelings of someone I care about or I'm in a relationship with upset with me about essentially my identity, about who I am as a human being. And again, I just chose poorly based on a wound, based out of insecurity, based on a familiarity of what I was comfortable with. as opposed to being 100% courageous in who I am and communicating my values courageously, knowing that it's not for everyone and being okay if someone doesn't want to be with me. And I think that was the lesson that I learned with Martha, where I was just like, okay, I'm going to essentially be alone for the rest of my life and be completely happy with that. or be 100% authentic to who my values are, to who I am as my vision, and align with someone who fully accepts me in that space. Otherwise, what am I doing if I have to constantly change and adapt and shift to and walk on eggshells to make someone accept and love me? That means they don't accept and love me. And so one of the things I said to Martha when I, after about three months of dating, Before we became like exclusively committed, we were hanging out a lot. And I did a few things differently in the dating phase that I'd never done before. But one of them was I was so honest about everything from my past and everything about my dreams for my future. And I was just like, I'm not gonna hold back anything. And I thought I would scare her away by just being truthful. But she was like, Wow, it's really refreshing. And I was like, Are you sure you accept someone who's this driven, who's got on a mission to help people and who has people around them all the time and, you know, living this lifestyle. Are you sure you want to accept someone? She was like, yeah, that's the person I've always been looking for. So I think it's just making sure that we're in alignment with the relationships in our career, our business partnerships, our intimate partners.

I'm going to take that even deeper though, because I think that, do you mind if I just like, just like describe what I witnessed just here?

Go ahead.

Okay, dude, you are so major. I just witnessed the whole process of internal family systems, which, you know, I'm obsessed with, and we've talked about a lot, and I'll describe it here in your journey. And what happened was you wouldn't have been able to attract a woman that you were in alignment with if you weren't in alignment with how you refer to it as your authentic self. Because we're gonna always attract our mirror reflection.

Yeah.

And so she swooped in fast. Actually, the last time you were on my podcast was when you were dating her.

I know.

I was like, he's single ladies. And you're like, actually, this thing happened.

And I wasn't expecting it. I didn't even want it. I was just like, but it's always my life.

But also what you're defining is so profound for me in this moment because I had this privilege of having like a little, I befriended Gabor Mate, who you've had on your podcast as well. He's great. They just one of the most amazing humans. And he and I got on a zoom to talk about something that I was thinking about for my own therapeutic journey. And he's like, well, what's your intention in that? And I was like, oh, well, the intention is to heal some remnants of my childhood trauma. And he's like, okay. And he asked me a few more leading questions. And then he said, no, this isn't about the trauma. He's like, this is about you being in your authentic self. Yes. And when I heard that, I was like, was one of those moments where you have that click, like that aha, like, holy man, you just nailed it. Of course, it was Gabor Mate to just be like the one to be like, boom. And that moment was such a catalyst because the ways that you were in your previous relationships and what you were just defining are common qualities of those of us who have had childhood trauma. You know, I want to care for, I want to manage, I want to make sure everybody else is good. I don't want to show my true cards because what if they don't love me? And, you know, just the grasping and the almost not taking a lot on, all of it, all of the above, right? And those qualities are all in the way. They're protector parts, protecting us from the shame and the fear of not having the attachment and the support and the safety that we needed when we were children. And so the journey that you underwent in your entire journey of the past 13 years since I've known you, but really that deep dive in the five months, what you were doing was you were you were really showing that protector part of you that you were there.

Yeah, absolutely.

That the adult resource Lewis was there for him.

And I think I might have told you this, I'm willing to do a lot of different exercises and methods to just see what opens up. And one of the exercises my coach gave me was to create an environment where I'm alone and I'm in a meditative state. and to really go back and have a meaningful, loving, courageous conversation with my five-year-old self, five, six, seven-year-old self, but put myself in the environment, you know, physically, emotionally, mentally, where he, myself, is right in front of me. And I'm looking down at him and I'm connecting with him and and I'm speaking to him eye to eye, face to face. And it was one of the most powerful exercises I've ever done, probably, because I could see the uncertainty in my five-year-old self. I could see the loneliness, the fear, the insecurity, the doubt, the worry, the concern, the what does all this mean? You know, conversations with a five-year-old brain just trying to figure out what the point of all this is.

Mm-.

And, and I could have a meaningful conversation with my five-year-old self as my adult self, and I could parent and, and give myself what I actually needed and what I wanted in those times. And it was such a, it was such a beautiful experience. I did it for about 30, 40 minutes. And at the end, I was just able to, I was just smiling because I was like, wow. you didn't know what was happening. You didn't know why you were here. You didn't know why these things were happening traumatically in your life. And yet you overcame it. And so I was just so proud of him. I was so grateful for him and for what he was able to do to survive, to get through, to make it to the next, you know, stage of life. And I just was able to embrace my, you know, childhood self and hug him and really put him. in my chest and in my heart and feel his heartbeat and calm him down and then integrate him inside of me. I'm kind of like infusing my childhood self in me.

That's right.

And feel peace and relaxed and calm and love and joyful. And find the meaning from all the different challenges that happened. And I think that was a beautiful exercise for me. And I recommend people doing that when the time is right, the season is right to try it.

What you just defined is the core intention of IFS therapy. And it's also like the, in my opinion, from all the therapies out there, that's the game changing moment when the child part feels seen by the authentic self, by the self with a capital S, you've referred to it even as the internal parent, when the child self feels seen and feels When it feels like it's done its job and it's not wrong or bad and when it feels safe.

And it feels safe by your adult.

Self, your current self with your adult self. That's right.

And not shaming your childhood self for these things anymore and all the things that you did or didn't do or whatever. Cause I just had a lot of shame and guilt around many different kind of stages of my life where, you know, I went through a stage of stealing like candy bars and, you know, stupid stuff at stores for a year and a half. And then I had a stage of lying to people that I, you know, it's just all these different stages. I was like, man, that's not who I want to be, and it's not who I am anymore. But you feel shame and guilt around these actions from the past. So really learning to forgive myself, learning to accept myself, learning to just fully love all of me at the different stages, not saying it's okay what I did or stealing is okay, but. say, you know what? It's not okay, but at least you changed it at 11 years old and you stopped doing that and you started making shifts and acknowledging the growth and acknowledging the, you know, the impact and all these different things. So it's been a, it's been a beautiful journey of, I think I showed you the last time I saw you, I had a photo of my, my five-year-old self on my phone. For the last six months, I had a photo of my 11-year-old self on my phone. about two weeks ago, I just changed it to kind of the 16-17 itself.

Beautiful.

On my phone, right?

So, that guy, so cute.

Yeah, happy little guy, right? So, I'm reconnecting to the different stages of my emotional, psychological life and connecting and saying, Hey, I got you at five, I got you at 11, I got you at 16 and 17, I got you at 25. and the goal for me is to marry from all these different moments into my current present self.

That's right.

So I can be fully integrated, accepting all the parts of me and my past, and be very just clear and intentional about the actions, the thoughts and the behaviors I want to have in the moment.

You're retrieving these child parts. And in that retrieval, you're bringing them back home to you.

Yes.

And your authentic self or self with a capital S, becomes the internal parent and the internal leader to all of these parts. And what's so beautiful is that the parts actually don't have to go away. They just become less extreme.

Exactly. Less scary.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So they may not be stealing, but they're still, you know, willing to take risks.

Right?

Exactly.

Right.

Exactly.

There's these qualities in them that are so necessary and their qualities that made you who you are. And this, this transformational leader, 10 years of service in this podcast.

Yeah.

And it's trying to, It's trying to say, okay, what are those things that I, you know, that I did and how can I use them all for good? Those qualities, those emotions, those actions. And they all can be showing up.

Using them in service to something greater. Now that they're not in their extreme freaked out triggered roles because they feel safe with you as their internal parent, they have so much freedom to just do the thing that they love to.

Do, which is whatever it might be.

Right?

Exactly. That's, this is therapy people. this is.

It feels amazing. Yeah. And, you know, I know you're extremely intentional in, in trying lots of different therapeutic experiences over your journey as well. And it's been a decade of trying lots of stuff for me, from emotional intelligence workshops for, you know, about a year and a half consistently to going to India for weeks to, to learn and study meditation and become a meditation instructor to, you know, extreme ice baths with Wim Hof in Poland, you know, climbing mountains half naked in snow and then intensive therapy for two years, every two weeks. And just being willing to see what opens up for me, be willing to see what, like trying stuff on to see if it makes sense, to see if it resonates and see if it supports my highest authentic self.

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And I think the journey never ends for me. My coach says healing is a journey and there's always going to be an integration season of some healing, I feel like. But I just feel much more peaceful and at peace of who I am and accepting myself with everything that's happening in the world, with everything that happens in my individual world as well. And that gives me a lot of courage to just keep showing up and taking action. And I think that's the key.

Courage is one of the eight C qualities of that self energy, right? Courage, compassion, calmness. But you've said courage multiple times. I heard you say about four times. And the word courage is I really, really, you embody it, is a sure sign that you are fully in connection to self. And the thing I want to say is that while we're always a work in progress, you actually have hit this point where it's integrated. And this is actually like, this is the happy dream. You know, this is where you can, can really relish in the presence and the beautiful essence of life because as traumatized children, you and I did not have a lot of ability. Our brain literally didn't have the capacity to be present. And then now I want you to sell. I mean, man, I love you like a brother. I want you to celebrate this integration because here you are right now and you're waking up to the woman who's reflecting back to you that light and you are in your full self and I just It does get easier now. It really does.

It feels like freedom is what it feels like. And I never felt free internally. And it was always like, how can I create externally the feelings that I'm going to feel more peaceful or free inside? But I'm sure like you, you had, you know, different challenges for many years. You know, one of mine was I just couldn't sleep at night. I was just like up for hours every night until a handful of years ago when I actually was able to lay down and go to sleep in like 5-10 minutes where it would take me hours. And that was my thing. It was just like kind of constantly worrying and stressing and unsure. And it doesn't mean, you know, I don't have to take care of life and handle situations and business and manage people and worry about the economy and the recession or whatever is happening, but it's it doesn't keep me up at night. I use the worry and I take the actions courageously to prepare myself and then I can still rest at night with all the uncertainty, with all the challenges that are happening around me and just be like, okay, I'm gonna be able to handle it. I'm gonna be able to take care of it and handle it. Like I always have, like my five-year-old self did when he was sexually abused, like my 11-year-old self did in 16, 25, all this stuff. I was able to figure it out.

Maybe it wasn't perfect, but it got me here. But the beauty is that you no longer have to handle it from a five-year-old place. You can handle it from an adult resourced place now.

100%. I have no ego in thinking that I need to do it all on my own. So I've got multiple coaches in different areas of my life that are important to me to guide me, to support me, to give me feedback, to make sure that I don't feel like I have all the weight on my shoulders to figure it out 100% of the time.

That's right.

I think just Finding great community, support, friends, family, coaches takes the weight off your shoulders. And I think that's what we could all use.

And you know, your podcast and the books that you write create that connection for people to feel seen and to feel coached and to feel guided. And so I just want to, can you please tell all of your coaches and therapists that Gabby Bernstein says thank you because We need you in your highest self because you are that for so many people. And I know that your soul knows that. You know, your soul's like, we've got to go big people. You know, it's like talking to all the little people inside of you, like we gotta, we gotta calm, calm this, this system because we need to show up. It's go time. We got to show up. Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I'm about to, and I'm about to turn, I don't know when this is coming out, but I'm going to be 40 in March. And so you're basically in some way, right when the.

Right when the 40 is coming out.

Yeah. Right before my March 16th is my 40th. The books is March 7th. And. Wow.

Wow.

It's. There's a lot of things, you know, evolving and transitioning, and I think it's, you know, a lot of shedding, letting go and allowing me to step into, you know, the. The man, the human, the leader that. I think I'm supposed to be even more so. And it's just stepping into more courage. It's like, okay, you've never done this before, so how can you be courageously confident in your actions and letting go of certain things that may no longer support you that did in a season but won't support you in the next season and then take the things that did support me to the next season. So I'm just really grateful for all the pain and all the challenges because I think it's what's shaped me. to be ready for the next level. And I think a lot of people shy away from discomfort and pain and all these things that happen. But if I didn't have all this stuff, I want to be ready to take on the role that I'm taking on in my life right now in relationships and business and everything. If I had a peaceful, comfortable, perfect life, I don't think I would be capable of having the tools, the wisdom and the integration to support others.

You wouldn't be who you are. And you wouldn't have the courage to put this book out. This third book that you have coming out, it's been five years since you had your last book out. And this is a big book, man, the Greatness Mindset. And I just want to read everybody the subtitle, Unlock the Power of youf Mind and Live youe Best Life Today. And really, this is about eliminating self-sabotage and really pursuing that meaningful mission in your life. which is everything we just spoke about.

Exactly. And I think a lot of people, it's interesting just to tie it back to the beginning of our conversation, I had a meaningful mission nine and a half years ago when I did this episode where I did a meditation visualizing the relationship of my dreams, like the feelings I wanted to have, the experience I wanted to have. And I had it. but I was not able to actualize it because I was still living in fear and uncertainty from wounds of the past. And so those wounds were driving me, were driving my actions. So I was disconnected from my meaningful mission, my vision, and my behaviors and thoughts and actions. And it wasn't until I was able to fully integrate the healing lessons when the relationship that I actually desired for eight years prior came to light. And that's true for everything. It's like we can have an idea of what we want or a mission or a dream or a goal, but if we are still wounded, it's just not going to fully align. And I think it wasn't until I aligned to my highest self when that just came to me so quickly. And I wasn't even trying to find it. I wasn't even trying to look for it. I was just being 100% courageous and authentic. and then it showed up. And you talk about manifesting all the time, and I know this is like your wheelhouse, but it was so, there were so many synchronicities and signs that were kind of, they were like too many. It was just like, the universe was like, this is the way. Keep going this way. It was like every sign every day was just pointing to true north in this. And I was just like, okay, I have to pay attention.

Yeah. Yeah. And the other thing I want to point out about that is, manifesting really is that we attract our likeness. And so all of the partners that you attracted before Marta were in a vibrational alignment with where you were at, right? It's like 100% their incomplete parts were meeting your incomplete parts, and together they were learning, right? And then here you are fully aligned and integrated, and you meet this woman who is absolutely freaking fully aligned and integrated. But I want to really acknowledge, because a lot of people that are listening, are not at the stage yet where they are integrated and they've had that retrieval and they've done that, that connecting, that reconnecting to the child parts. And so wherever you are on your path, it's perfect because, you know, if you look at Lewis's life, you can be doing really good work in the world and you can be doing really great healing and you can be creating a successful business and you can be making connections and all of the things that you were doing over the last decade or 13 years since I've known you, and still be suffering at the same time.

Yeah, 100%.

And that as long as you are in the pursuit of freedom, that's enough.

Yeah, 100%. And I think about, you know, my friend tWitch, who just took his life a few weeks ago, about a month ago now, this guy was just so joyful, so loving, so kind, you know, would reach out to me, check in on me, and just brought joy to people constantly. And a lot of people didn't know he was suffering inside and he was going through his own challenges. and, you know, if I look back, there's a few moments and signs and messages he sent, but it still didn't think like, oh, he's going to be, you know, doing this. And you just never know what people are going through and where their pain is, how, how painful things are. And you can still be achieving and succeeding, like you said, and, and putting on a joyful face and having fun in life, but suffering inside.

Yeah.

And I know, I know a lot of us have experienced that at different stages of our life.

I think right now it's safe to say that you can just assume that everyone's suffering in some way.

Right?

Because, and it's probably a, it sounds like a low Vibe way to approach people, but it's actually a really compassionate way to approach people because, you know, we are often sort of like reacting to people's attitudes and this. And, and it's really where are they? They're in a part of them that's not happy, that's not healed, that's not whole. That's, that's locked up in a childhood story and, and all of the above. And so it doesn't mean we need to stick around for it, but we say a prayer for them.

100%.

And also, you know, show up and ask how we can be of service when it's appropriate, because there's so much suffering. There's just so much suffering.

A lot.

And in the book, you talk about really undoing that mindset of self-sabotage. And so what would be something that you'd want to share from the book that would start us off?

I think one of the things is a lot of people they're not clear on what they want or what they want is based off a wound. And so they're going to get what they want from a wounded place and it's not going to be enough. This is what I lived for many years in sports, you know, accomplishing goals, wanting to be, you know, a champion or all American or going professional, whatever it might be. And I would accomplish it after a decade of training for something and feel like, why is it not giving me the feeling that I want? Why is it not enough? Maybe I need more. I need to have a bigger goal or bigger dream to go after. And I kept repeating that and then transitioning that into business world and making money and getting accomplishments and being recognized and thinking, okay, that's going to make me feel more complete and whole. And it didn't. And that's why I was so confused, because I'm doing all this hard work to accomplish these things that are my dreams. And yes, they were fulfilling and they were exciting at the same time, but it didn't give me the feeling of wholeness inside and feeling like I'm still good enough. And so one is getting clear on our meaningful mission and figuring out why we want the thing we want. Is it for selfish reasons? You know, I really think of success is about selfish reasons. Us being successful is for us. The greatness is about serving to other people. So how can we have a meaningful mission that supports our dreams and also impacts the people around us in a powerful way? That's really the win-win. when we get clear on that, then we've got to do the work of figuring out, okay, what am I, what's the thing that's holding me back? What's the thing that causes the most doubt and insecurity in myself? It's usually one of these three fears, the fear of failure, the fear of success, or the fear of judgment, other people's opinions. And for me, I was never afraid of failure or success because as an athlete, I knew that failure was just the process to accomplishing Success. You drop the ball, you learn, you get feedback, and then you practice to get better. It was not like you're horrible if you fail. It was, okay, there's a lesson there. Let's improve on this. Let's practice all week until the next game. Success was the thing that I wanted, but I was always afraid of people's opinions of everything, the judgment. And at the center of all three of these fears is, I'm not enough. each one of those are tied to I'm not enough. And it wasn't until I was able to figure out how to be enough and accept the different parts of me from my past, when I got that peace and that renewable courage to face anything at all times, I can still feel scared or a little intimidated or fearful, but it doesn't hold me back from taking the actions to actually go towards it. So when I marry a meaningful mission that is about we, not just me. And I'm able to get to the root of one of these three fears and accept myself. That's when you can really do some beautiful, magical things in the world. And so that's part of the process in the book is, is going through that reflection period, understanding how to accept yourself and then being able to have the courage to take action through the fears that hold you back.

In many ways, you're coaching people through the journey you've undergone.

100%. And my friend Rory Vaden says, We are perfectly positioned to help the person we once were.

Ah, beautiful Rory, that's a nice one.

I do the podcast for myself. I do the events for myself. I write the books for the things that I need to learn.

That's right.

This is the book I wish I had at 16, at 25, at 35, and now at 40. and it's the book I wish I'm going to have and will have at 50. Because this is like, I wrote this for me and for the different stages of my life that I'm going to need to have the tools to overcome these obstacles. And I wish I could have written it 10 years ago, but I didn't have the wisdom then. Well, you don't necessarily, do you wish it?

Because I always think like, oh, you know, I go, I say things like, oh, I wish I'd known that or I wish I'd known that.

I wish someone else wrote it so I could have it.

Yeah, I found myself, yeah, correct, you know, but even still, it's almost like you had to live it to have it. You had to live it to have it. And then, you know, of course somebody else will reap the benefits of having it and being able to get that at 16 or 20 or whatever it might be. Did you write this book after that self-integration with those little children? Yes.

So you asked me before we started recording, like, what took you so long or what, you know, why did it take Right. You know, five and a half years until this to come out. And I wanted to write this five years ago. After my last book, I was like, I know what the next book is. It was this. And I did a lot of work, like getting the concepts and making, you know, getting the baseline of it. But there was something off inside of me that was just unable to create it and put it out on paper for whatever reason. I think it was It's not like this, I had this imposter syndrome. It was more, and I wasn't afraid to create stuff because I'd already written two books. That wasn't the thing.

You were podcasting multiple times a week. You were not afraid to create anything.

Yeah, it wasn't, I was like, I was afraid to put it out into the world. It felt like, it just felt like I didn't have the energy to make it exactly the way I wanted to. It felt like there was something off inside of me. that I knew it wasn't ready to put it out yet. So for years I was doing the research, for years I was interviewing people, asking questions that I knew wanted to be in the book. But I was dealing with so much energy in a couple previous relationships, managing stress and trying to please people and trying to make sure that everything was okay with them that I hadn't done the full integration work of the intimacy part of the the wound that I had to deal with. And so after these kind of like five months of therapy, I felt so free and so peaceful internally that I wrote this thing in like five months. I had someone help me, you know, really craft it and make it great. But it just came out of me. Now, I've done essentially four years of research and had tons of documentation. Like it was all ready to go.

All the women that you dated that that ripped your heart out or whatever, you know, that triggered and activated those child parts. That's the real research.

Oh, that was the real research. That was like a, yeah, 15 years of just learning and lessons and wisdom.

That's exactly right.

So much appreciation for these relationships and these partners, because again, I could have left these things at any moment. I could have not chosen these people. I could have like said, Hey, after two years of stress, like, I'm going to remove myself from this. It's not working. We're not aligned. But I had fears that I wasn't willing to, I didn't have the courage to remove myself from the situations. When I knew in my head, like, and my heart, this is not right for me.

Yeah.

But I lacked the courage. And so it was, you know, it was all part of a bigger plan.

The courage was always there. It wasn't integrated. It wasn't integrated. It wasn't integrated.

For child parts, we're not aware of the courage. and I didn't fully accept myself. I was like, I felt like I needed this relationship or I needed to make prove that I was a good person and could, you know, make someone happy or that, you know, I wasn't going to bail or whatever it was, but really we're just, we're never in alignment and it's okay.

And everyone listening in their own way is living that, right? So there's, there's, and even me, like, this was like yesterday that Gabor Mate like blew my mind, right? So like we're all living with these managers. That was the word that you used, which was really fascinating, that we all have these managers that are working tirelessly to protect us from ever having to feel that feeling of shame, inadequacy, not being lovable, not being good enough. And so we're literally managing all day long with people pleasing or managing with addiction or managing with just trying to prove ourselves or whatever those Those tools are. And it's when we let those managers meet the self, when we, when we create it, what's called direct access from our authentic self to the manager and let that adult self start to regulate, calm, soothe. That's when the managers can relax.

Yeah.

And that's when you know self is there.

Yeah.

And I didn't have the tools to self soothe. in a healthy way internally. Right? Most of the time, you know, you were, you had your addiction problem back in the day and other people, we, we use these different methods to soothe. I didn't have the tools to just be able to hug myself internally and be like, hey, it's all, it's all good.

Yeah.

And now that you have that tool, and this is the cool thing, is like, now that you have that direct access to self, it's like you could do it all day long. It's like you could notice, like, something triggers you and it could be like, I got my guy. I got myself. You know, it's like, All day. All day, every day. That's the work.

I was very self-critical internally, as opposed to being a healthy self-coach. And I would have different coaches in my life in sports, and some of them were incredibly loving and kind and could speak to specifically my needs and were great at just understanding each individual's needs and how to coach them. And then I had other coaches in sports that were extremely critical. we're loud, would swear, would scream. It was almost like I would repeat that at times. And I was self critical as opposed to being a healthy self coach. And it's just learning the tools and how to coach ourselves better as opposed to being critic.

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Yeah. Yeah.

How to Coach Yourself Better. That's so cool. Yes, that's exactly right. And so now that this third book is coming out and you wake up next to this incredible, extraordinary person, Marta, and she's smiling and you're touching the souls of people for the past decade with this podcast, what do you feel is shifted not just personally, because we heard a lot about the personal shift, but is there a professional shift that's occurring for you as a result of these interchanges?

For many years, I was afraid to give up control of your personal brand, your content, your message, the way you do things. So I did things for so many years that helped me get certain results and accomplish certain things, but I wasn't able to break through to the next level of business results of impact results of, you know, personal professional growth at the same time. And I was afraid. I was afraid of building a bigger team. I was afraid of letting go of the roles that I had ownership on and training other people and seeing if they could do it at the same level or better. And I was really kind of afraid of what it would look like to invest more money in the business and managing more people. So that was kind of a fear of mine for many years where I was comfortable being kind of a lifestyle entrepreneur, making, you know, several million dollars in sales a year, working out of my apartment, right? And kind of having that lifestyle with a team of like four or five people. And it wasn't until a couple of years ago where I was just like, you know what? If I am truly looking to make a bigger impact, and I was clear on my meaningful mission for years, which is to serve a hundred million lives weekly to help them improve the quality of their life. I know I can't do that on my own. After all these interviews with intelligent people and people who have built big businesses, the ones that have the biggest businesses, most of them, when I ask them, what is the key to impact and growth? They say team, team, team, team, team, team.

Totally.

Having the right people, having more people, not having more people than you need, but just having more people.

The right people. Yeah.

The right people and their revenue. And I would ask them, like, you know, what's the difference between, you know, a million and 10 million and 10 million and 100 million and 100 million a billion or whatever? Just these questions. And they're like, well, scaling the team.

Yeah.

Because you're unable to really scale the revenue. There are some cases of people, maybe with software or something like that, that can expand it, but in general, it's hard to scale the business revenue and the impact. without the right people on the team.

That's right.

And so I had to learn the courage of, you know, now we've got 22 full-time employees, but 50 people that we pay on a monthly basis who are freelancers, contractors, agencies, and having the courage to invest more, having the courage to say, okay, the overhead's gonna go from where it was to 10 times that monthly. Can I lean into that? leadership role? Can I lean into managing more people? Can I lean into delegating and empowering more? What does that look like? So it's just learning all new skills that I didn't have the confidence or the courage to do before. And knowing that everything is going to work out no matter what happens.

Yeah.

And so that's been something I've leaned into in the last two years, and it's, there's been uncomfortable moments in time, you know, challenging times and Lessons and mistakes, but it's been a beautiful thing to witness because last year was our biggest year ever. And we've had more people on the team than ever.

That's right. And what you're doing now is self-led leadership because you're in alignment with self, that authentic self. And so if you're there, you can say anything. You can tell an employee some hard truths. You can fire somebody fast if it's not working. All of that can happen because you're in self. Also that presence of self is the greatest gift you can give your team. It really is.

Yeah.

Yeah, it really is. I, God, I'm so proud of you. And Thank you. I'm just, I'm just so pumped about this new book. I wanna just let you just riff for a minute as we close this conversation about what your hope is. So whenever I write a book, I always put the intention at the top of the manuscript, like intention.

Yeah.

No, this is what I want for my reader and for myself too, right? In terms of like what I want the book to do for my own healing. So what was the core intention for this book?

The intention is always to impact the maximum number of people with anything that I do. And I wanted to simplify this. I think there's a lot of incredible books out there that I love on similar conversations and topics. For me, I learn with basic understanding. And so I needed to create something that was so simple to understand around complicated, scary, challenging things. And so I just tried to say, how can I simplify it so that I could understand it at any age in my life, and it still be extremely impactful, research driven, science backed, you know, rich content, but easy to implement and understand. And that was my goal with this, because I think a lot of people are afraid, a lot of people have self-doubt. And again, I think self-doubt is the killer of dreams. And they have information and content on how to be more inspired or motivated or develop habits. But I think a lot of people still today lack the confidence and doubt themselves more than ever when there are more tools and resources than ever to support them.

Right.

And I want to eliminate self-doubt in the world by giving people the tool on how they can do this for themselves. No one else is going to eliminate it for you. No one else is going to anoint you with confidence. No one else is going to give you a leadership role they may, but you still have to be the one that claims it, that owns it. Quick story. When I was a an eighth grader. I would watch the high school basketball team, the varsity team, when I was in eighth grade, and I was inspired by the older kids. And, you know, they're. They were much bigger and taller and stronger and athletic. And I got to practice with the varsity sometimes as an eighth grader because I was a tall kid. There was a kid who was probably the most incredible athlete I'd ever witnessed. Still today, he was a freak of nature athletically. He could jump, you know, 45 inch vertical, he could 360 dunk. He could do anything he wanted to on anyone. But whenever the game would come, he would get scared. He would get insecure and he would shy his greatness down. He would dim it. And I never understood it because I was just like, I have a fraction of the talent that this guy has, but he didn't have the courage. Everyone on the team was like, you're the leader, you're the captain, you're the best. Everyone knew he was amazing, but he didn't believe it. So it doesn't matter how much talent you have, how many credentials you have, how much schooling you have. It doesn't matter if the whole world tells you you are incredible. If you aren't able to have the tools to believe it and claim your greatness, then you're going to squander your results. You're going to shy back from creating it and letting the world see your artistic expression of what your talents and gifts are. And for me, I don't want people to die with their dreams inside of them. I don't want them to regret not giving it a shot, not giving it a go. And it doesn't matter if we fail on our mission or our dreams and our goals. To be honest, it really doesn't matter. What matters is if we are willing to go all in on it authentically, courageously, and lovingly towards it. And the results are going to happen or not. But at least you can feel proud of who you were in the process and the journey.

Yeah. That was a motivational talk. I mean, we know what can come from you, but that was, I mean, that was an epic way to end this conversation because it is your life's mission. It's letting us live with the mindset of greatness and helping people do that so that we don't die with our dreams still in us.

Yeah, and success is about self and greatness is about others. And I think it's learning to shift our ideals around what our dreams actually are and who they include. And it doesn't mean you can't go build a big business or be a success or, you know, be recognized in all these things and have a big audience. But it's just asking yourself, do I want to be successful or do I want to be fulfilled? And I think success is never enough to feel fulfilled. unless it includes other people. And for me, that's greatness.

Ooh, Louis, I love you.

I love you too. I appreciate you. I appreciate you because I think there's a lot of people putting content out in the world, but you are such a consistent individual in connecting to people's hearts and seeing people and speaking into what people truly need and how they're feeling. and I'm just so grateful that you're consistently authentic to that message of abundance, of peace, of healing and of love. I think this is the conversations that people need to hear the most. And I love that you're doing it on your podcast every week.

Yeah. I love you so deeply. I honor you for your courage. That's your word now, man, your courage. And it's been such a privilege to watch you grow into this incredible 40 year old man that you're about to be.

I appreciate it.

Congratulations. Thank you. Everybody go get your copy of the greatness mindset. I don't have to tell them. They've already ordered it while they were listening. And I'm just proud to be your friend.

I love you. Thanks, Gabby. Appreciate you. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad free listening experience. Make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

I'm Katie Nolan and I have a new podcast called Casuals. It's a podcast for people who like sports a normal amount. Casuals is a twice a week hang with me and my friends from across comedy, sports and entertainment where we talk about all the funny, weird, interesting stuff happening in and around the world of sports. So whether you're a die-hard fan or just vaguely sports curious, Casuals is the podcast for you. You can find Casuals on the SiriusXM app Pandora or wherever you get your podcasts. And don't forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode.

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