How To Manifest & ATTRACT LOVE Into Your Life EP 1239

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Father's Day is coming up, and for lots of dads out there, dad doesn't quite cover it. They're groundskeepers, patio whisperers, and rogue leaf vigilantes too. So this year, show dad some love with gifts from the Home Depot. They've got fast, free delivery on handy gear that helps dad do his thing. We're talking Ryobi cordless outdoor tools like the Ryobi 40 volt expanded string trimmer. Find the perfect Father's Day gift at the Home Depot. Shop in store and online at homedepot.com, free delivery subject to availability. Fuel your greatness with wonderful pistachios, no shells. Wonderful pistachios is a great source of protein with zero guilt. Each one ounce serving has six grams of protein, giving over 10% of your daily value. Pistachios are known for their protein power, fiber, and better for you unsaturated fats for a combination that may help keep you feeling fuller longer. And now there's a new way to snack strong with unsalted no shells holding the salt, not the flavor for a snack that packs a protein punch. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more. This is episode number 1239 about manifesting and attracting love into your life. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome back, my friend. We all deserve to be loved. But manifesting and attracting unconditional love is a huge struggle for so many people. It's been a constant journey in my life, and I've been lucky enough to speak with so many incredible individuals on what it takes to actively improve the relationships in our lives. So today, I am bringing you the most insightful messages on this conversation to support you in elevating the love and relationships in your life. In this episode, we discuss why you need to be able to sit down and get vulnerable in relationships with Joe Dispenza, how to stop being needy and learn the power of forgiveness with Gabby Bernstein, how to experience true and conscious love with Sadhguru, how to attract the right type of partner that will bring fulfillment into your life, not stress with Stefan Speaks, and so much more. If you are inspired by this and you know someone that would love this message and needs to hear this message about love and relationships, then please copy and paste the link wherever you're listening to this, or you can use the link lewishouse.com/1239 and text some friends, post it on social media, and make sure to tag me @lewishouse as well when you post on social media. And if this is your first time here and you're inspired by this message, it's supporting you in some way, then click the subscribe button on Apple Podcasts or Spotify right now to stay up to date on the latest and greatest on the School of Greatness Show. And I want to give a shout out to the fan of the week, Rock Shell. And they said, I have been listening to your episodes for over two years now. I love so many of the questions that inspire advice from your guests that I can apply to my life immediately. I listen to you during my days as I drive, exercise, cook, clean, et cetera. I've told so many of my friends about your show and I've shared advice that I have learned and applied to my life. Thank you. So, Rock Shell, thank you so much for being a supporter of the show, for listening constantly and sharing the message. And again, if you guys want to be shouted out, on the School of Greatness, just go ahead and leave us a review over on Apple podcast at any time while you're listening for a chance to be shouted out on the show as well. Okay, in just a moment, it's time to learn how to manifest and attract love into your life. According to the latest research, 90% of employers plan to make enhancing the employee experience a top priority in 2022. and after all, a happy workplace is key to attracting and keeping great employees. Keeping a workplace happy all comes down to a focus on company culture and making sure each employee knows their value, not only into the company, but also to the world. And I also think every business owner is on the hunt for more valuable people to add to their company right now. I know we are looking for that here at Greatness Media, and others are as well. And that's where ZipRecruiter comes in. Their matching technology helps you find the right people for your roles fast. And right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ziprecruiter.com/greatness. As their powerful technology gets to work, you can easily review the recommended candidates and invite your top choices to apply for your job, which encourages them to apply faster. And it's no wonder why ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site in the US based on G2 ratings. Find the right employees for your workplace with ZipRecruiter. Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Ziprecruiter.com/greatness. That's ziprecruiter.com/G-R-E-A-T-N-E-S-S. Ziprecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Okay, listen to this crazy fact. Traditional lawn care lays down 90 million pounds of pesticides each year. But there's another solution, Sunday. So you don't have to choose between having a beautiful yard and keeping your family out of harm's way, which I know is especially important to my business partner and good friend, Matt, who wants to be sure his yard is a place that his two young kids can play around in safely. And Sunday can help you grow a beautiful lawn without the guesswork or the nasty chemicals. Their custom plans include fertilizer and everything you need to easily care for your lawn, made from kid and pet safe ingredients like seaweed, iron, and molasses. All you have to do is visit getsunday.com, put in your address and their lawn analysis tool does the rest. They'll use soil and climate data to create a personal nutrient plan delivered to your door. The ready to use pouch attaches to your garden hose and it takes less than 15 minutes to spray your lawn. And I know my friend Matt is pumped to try it out and make sure his kids are safe on his lawn. And Sunday is offering our listeners 20% off. Full season plans start at just $129 and you can get 20% off at checkout when you visit getsunday.com/greatness 20. That's 20% off your custom plan at getsunday.com/greatness20. In this first section, Dr. Joe Dispenza shares how we can change our thoughts to take back our energy, to attract better relationships, success and peace for ourselves. Let's talk about a practical scenario where someone's in a relationship 5, 10, 20 years, married or not married, and both parties have a pattern of defensiveness, of passive aggressiveness, of reacting when they don't like something. And then one person starts to transform, or they do your work or they do meditation work and they really start to connect to their heart and their mind and they start healing the trauma of the past and the other person hasn't caught up yet. How does someone either inspire the other person to come on this train with them and elevate their thoughts, or if they are unwilling to, is there a way to be in a happy relationship if your partner is still in reaction mode more than you?

Again, speaking from my present state of ignorance, because I'm on a journey also. I will tell you this, that one of the things that happens when people start to come across information and knowledge that's really valuable, and they want to share it with the person next to them or share it with their lover, whatever. But if they're in a relationship for 15 years and they have a lot of emotional agreements with people and things and they're in a lot of habits, we only accept, believe and surrender to information that's equal to our emotional state. So sometimes it bounces off the person and if the person is really enthusiastic, then they're really like, whoa, what is up? You're changing in front of me, I don't like you this way. We had a thing going here, we could pick apart anybody or anything. Now you're not showing up equal to my memory. You're unpredictable. You're in the unknown. You're unsafe. Yeah, the unknown is unsafe, right? So a lot of times the enthusiasm is the first thing that starts creating disconnection. But if the person goes, that's amazing. That's really cool. Say it again. Like they're ready to hear the information. Those people are going to evolve together, right? If the person just kind of looks and says, oh my God, my wife's on the Kool-Aid or whatever it is, this person is, you know, they changed their medication. I don't know what's happening with them. then that person that is trying to explain it philosophically is just looking for someone to exchange information with. That person may not be the person. He may just like Sunday football games and Monday night football and hanging out and drinking beer, and they fell in love when they were the same, right? So now the next step is to find the person that you can exchange that information with because you want to understand it better so you can begin to use it. Now, you have to stop preaching to that person. That's the first thing you have to do. In other words, show up happy, show up transformed. Be the example. And then one of two things will happen. I tell my kids this all the time. If you're happy, then that person is going to want to get some of that. And they're gonna ask you, all right, so what the hell are you doing? Like, all of a sudden you're like happy. They're either gonna go, I want some of that, and they're gonna evolve together. Now, if they don't, and then you come down here and compromise yourself to meet them on that level, they're gonna take some of your energy and you're gonna be like, who am I?

Resentful, angry, all these things.

You didn't respond the way I wanted to. Now we're angry and we're back down here, right? But if you stay happy and they come up and they meet you there, then you're still happy. If you don't come down and you stay happy and they stay there, and they move away, guess what?

You stay happy. You're still happy.

So then people in relationships will compromise themselves out of obligation, out of necessity, out of obedience, out of programs, and at the end of the relationship, they don't even remember who they are, 'cause they compromised who or so many aspects of themselves.

That's why you hear in a lot of people when they go through a breakup, they're like, oh, I lost myself in this relationship.

Of course.

Because they're refining myself.

They were changing in a way that kept the relationship safe.

Why do so many relationships do this in general?

Because nobody wants to tell the truth. If you sat down and said, let's get vulnerable. Let's sit down. Let's open our hearts. I have a bottle of wine. Let's just let's get vulnerable. Hey, I'm this. How are you doing? Like what's really going on in there? Are you happy? And then be an adult. Like you're unhappy. I'm unhappy too. You want to try to stick this out? All right. Well, if I were to say, if I could get in my heart and I was looking at myself, These are the things that make me unhappy with me and that I want to change. It's not with you, it's me, what I want to change. And the other person said, Listen, I'm stuck too. I don't know how to change. I'm doing this, I'm drinking more or whatever. I gotta stop. And it's important enough for me. This relationship is important enough for me that I'm willing to make the change and let's figure out how to do it together. That to me. Or, I've done this, Hey, I can't feel it anymore. I can't feel that feeling anymore. I think it's time to move on. I love you, but it's turned, I've changed and I still love you, but I gotta go. I mean, it's just different. We don't have the same interests anymore. We've grown in different directions and out of respect, let's do that together, right? So those relationships still stay fertile. They're still wonderful. You keep them alive, but they've transformed into something else. It's the not telling the truth about how you really feel because would make you vulnerable and that may mean someone one-ups you or you may get shocked or rejected in some way. I think the thing that the place.

In my life right now, I'm 37. The thing in my life and the relationship I'm in now, I'll tell my girlfriend often, I'm like, I'm so grateful that we're on this journey together and there's cultural differences. You've been with a Latin woman in the past, there's cultural differences, there's language differences, there's understand belief differences, all these things. The thing that I tell her is like, listen, I want to be with you for as long as we can be together. That's our lives. Great. I'm committed to you, but I'm also committed to myself. And if we're not able to line up consistently over time, and if it's. We're both suffering and we're unable to make it work, it's. It's okay. We can break up. It's okay. And this is the first time I've been in a place where I'm okay with her and okay. not with her. And she's healthy as well. And so we were able to talk about these things from a healthy space, not needing it to work out. Because we're not lacking.

Because of course, because you feel differently. The truth is, if you truly are love, then you will be challenged always to a greater level of love. And I have had enough mystical experiences where I thought you just can't have any more love than until I've had another experience and I'm like, wow, there's even more, right? So in love, in a loving relationship, I have three children and I only want the best for them. That's it. So if you truly love someone and you want the best for them and they need to go, you gotta love them. Just as long as they got that kind of clear agreement with each other, like, I'm gonna go, I just gotta go. And yeah, it's gonna hurt, but if there's truly love, you would want that for that person, their best, right? So then it's not something that we do that is a recipe. It's trial and error. And I think the number one thing that I've learned over the years in any relationship, it's about awareness. It's about who am I being in this moment? How conscious can I stay? How am I speaking? How am I acting? What is the tone of my voice? How much more can I give? How can I forgive? If I'm having problems forgiving somebody, I would think about something that I may have done in my life that I would want forgiveness for, and I would think about how I want to be forgiven, and I would forgive that person in the same way that I would be forgiving myself. And in a sense, I am forgiving myself, right? So we have to see it as this illusion of separation, this illusion of three-dimensional reality. This is the plane where we demonstrate love. I mean, we came from source, we came from singularity, we came from pure love. and down into density, fooled by our senses into separation. And the survival hormones create more separation. They arouse us to put more attention on the illusion, on the objects, the hologram of three-dimensional reality, and we move further away from love. Fear is not the opposite of love. It's the separation from it. Anger is not the opposite of love. It's the separation from love. Pain, suffering is not the opposite of love is the separation from love. So then as people heal into wholeness by learning how to create coherence in their brain and heart, the side effect of that, a lot of times are dramatic changes in their health and then more importantly, from that place, they could have been sexually abused, emotionally abused, physically abused, they will look at their entire past from that place. and not want to change anything in their past because it brought them to that moment. And they'll see the lessons and they'll have compassion and forgiveness because they're at a different consciousness. Only when you're unhappy with yourself, unhappy with your life, are you going to dig up the past and find the reason why you are that way. And 50% of that story isn't even the truth. You embellish the story to make it sound so hard that nobody can change. I can't change. It was way too hard. And the research on memory is, majority of the time people are telling a story that isn't even the truth. To me, they're reliving a miserable life they didn't even have, only to reaffirm their emotional state. So you catch yourself talking and feeling that, you catch yourself, that's a victory.

To me, that's a victory. Because you're gonna be in reaction.

Of course.

We're gonna have feelings and emotions. But you ask me, so I react, yeah, every day. But I get better at it, and I always say, okay, if I was in that same circumstance with that same person, I got the same or similar news, how would Joe Dispenza show up more evolved? If I don't know the answer to that, I'm gonna find someone who had a similar experience. I'm gonna read what they did and I'm gonna rehearse that. I'm gonna rehearse it in my mind so much so that I'm priming my brain for the experience. Now I want it to happen. It's not about being right. It's really about my evolution. So then So then that victory to me creates more wholeness. And so that more wholeness means I'm less lack in separation. If I'm less lack in separation, then I'm relaxed in the present moment. And that's the beauty of being alive is that we want the moment to last. We want to be so present. It's so good. We don't want to leave it. So love, people want love, but what's the sponsoring thought behind that? They want joy. People want a mystical experience. No, they want to be blown away. They want to feel awe. They want to be in awe of life. People want to be healed. No, they want to be whole. They want to feel wholeness. They want to feel whole again. So if you're looking for the reason why you want certain things, you want it for an emotion. The emotion is the payoff from the experience. It's the payoff. And then we get to experience it with our senses. greater than we imagined. And I'm telling you, when reality starts organizing itself to reflect your energy and it starts showing up in your life, what kind of feeling do you feel when you start seeing those synchronicities? You feel excitement, joy, inspiration. That's the energy you're going to use to create the next one. And so people in our work, synchronicities.

Happen daily when you're- Because your energy is synchronized.

Your energy is synchronized to a future. the future that you're seeing in your mind before it happened, emotionally embracing so much so that your brain and body look like it's already happened. Well, if it looks physically like it's already happened, relax, because it's going to come to you. So then people in this work do the work every day, and that's the thing I'm the most proud of, not because I want them to do it out of obligation or to please God or do the right thing or whatever the programs have been for thousands of years. They don't want the magic to end. They just like, I don't know what this is, but I'm having these incredible lucid moments. I can't believe I just got this opportunity and wow, this is happening and every synchronicity does what? It creates the energy and the belief that there could be more, but they're not trying to control it. They're not trying to predict it. In fact, it's none of their business how it happens or when it happens. If you can predict how it's going to happen, that's the known. The unknown is like, I'm so happy, I would never try to control it. I'm not going to leave the present moment, and that's when you're the vortex, you know, to experiences. And so that's the difference between creating as source or praying as source or creating or praying to source. Separation is begging, trying. Now, you are connected. You feel divine.

You feel you are the source.

You are connected to source. And so this place is the bridge to that. Once it's here, then there are emotions and energies and frequencies that are just ineffable. You can't describe how much love that is or the feeling that you feel.

Do emotions create thoughts or do thoughts create emotions?

Both.

So think about this. Some people wake up in the morning. Your brain is a record of the past. The first thing they do is they think about their problems. Those problems are memories that are etched in the brain that are connected to certain people, certain objects, certain things at a certain time and place. The moment they wake up in the morning and they think about their problems, they're thinking in the past. If you believe that your thoughts have something to do with your destiny, well, you're already in your past. Every one of those problems, since we've experienced it, has an emotion associated with it. So then all of a sudden, they start feeling unhappy. The moment they feel unhappy, now the body's in the past because thoughts are the language of the brain and feelings are the language of the body. So now that once they go, oh.

Say that one more time.

Thoughts are the language of the brain, feelings are the language of the body. So the moment they start feeling those feelings, now their body's in the past. So now they get back and they started off with a clean slate, they didn't feel anything, and then they're like, I'm back to feeling unhappy, okay, I'm back to myself again.

Ah.

So because they'd rather feel unhappy than not feel anything, so naturally the void of that emotion the body's influencing the mind, the brain, to think so it produces the chemicals for it to feel. Some people just wake up in the morning and they don't feel anything and then all of a sudden they just look for that feeling. Some people need a thought to do it, some people can just bring up the feeling, right? So then they cling to that emotion because at least it's the known. So some people have emotions that influence thoughts. Some people are more analytical. They have thoughts that influence feelings. But it's a loop, right? It's that cycle of thinking and feeling.

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I can't wait till I can go, but- I keep inviting you. Guess what? You can't come anymore. You're not allowed to come. I'm coming.

No, you can't come now. Maybe this will get them to come. Exactly. Now I'm there. What is a formula, like a one to two minute formula, when someone notices, oh, I'm feeling something and then my thoughts are supporting that feeling and I'm just staying in this loop. What's the one or two minute formula.

They could just implement in the morning, at night, whenever?

To help them.

Well, I'm going to give you two examples, okay, because there's not just one way to do this.

Of course.

If you're truly in the business of change or creating your life, that's a big responsibility, right? I mean, we ran our event. I said to the audience, okay, nobody forced you to come here, right? You came here on your own. You took the risk in coming here. By coming here, you also agree that you create your reality. that you're responsible for yourself and your life. So if something happens to you, you can't blame anybody because of that. It's your responsibility to take care of you, right? So then the fundamental question is, and I ask myself this all the time, at what point do I stop believing that I create my life? At what point when things go bad, then all of a sudden, I didn't create that. That person is doing it to me, right? So if we can wire that in our brains, right? That our reaction and response to an environmental condition is causing us to go back to the past. That's what the emotion is. The familiar emotion is the past. And I'm on the journey and I catch myself doing that. If I'm truly in the practice every day, and I can cultivate a feeling, not on the spot then. You're not prepared. Your meditation is the preparation of mind and body for this. So I don't get up from my meditation until I'm in love with life. I don't create anything that's gonna be unlimited until I feel unlimited.

I'm in that space.

And if I'm practicing feeling unlimited every day, I'll practice connecting to the emotions of my future, I'm out of the bleachers. and I'm on the field. If you're in the bleachers and you're trying to not react to people in circumstances, you don't have the practice or the skill set on how to create that emotion because you haven't been practicing creating it. And why do we close our eyes and do it? Because the environment is so seductive. Why do we sit still and not move? Because you're gonna want to get up and pee and eat and have a cup of coffee and feel. So now you're telling your body, hey, stay. I'm gonna feed you, yeah, you're gonna take a shower, you're gonna get coffee, you can play with your cell phone, you can text, you can talk trash, you can do anything you want, but right now, you're not the mind. I'm the mind, and you're gonna sit and stay till I'm done, and when I condition you to the emotions of the future, and I get a very clear image of who I'm going to be this day, and I'm not gonna get up until I feel that way, I guarantee you, you're gonna come up against all those unconscious thoughts, they're going to come up right there. I want people to, I want them to see it. I want them to become so familiar with it, so conscious that they wouldn't go unconscious. They wouldn't let that thought, I can't ever slip by their awareness unchecked. They've done the work in the beginning of the day. They suppress those circuits in the brain and nerve cells that no longer fire together, no longer wire together. You're breaking down the old personality. And so you say, ah, your body wants to get up, I got to pee, I want to have a couple, I want to check my email. and you watch your body want to get up and you go, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Get over here, get back into this present moment. And every time you do that, it's a victory. You're executing a will that's greater than an unconscious program. And most people lose their free will to a program because they do the same thing today as they did yesterday. Their body's on autopilot and it's dragging them into the same future habitually based on what they did in the past. So now you're sitting there and it's just a little uncomfortable and you want to quit and your body, ah, ah, ah, and you go, No. You get over here and you bring it back. Now some people say, I can't meditate, but really they're actually doing it right. That's a victory too. And then you do that and you start watching how you're training your body back into the present moment. Then it's your body says, well, you know, Louis, it's 8:30 in the morning. This is usually when you watch the news and throw a tirade and get angry. Right. And I'm a wreck. And you're sitting here with your eyes closed and you're off schedule. so why don't we just get agitated about anything? So the body starts trying to create images in your mind so you remember your ex, you remember your problems, so you could feel that agitation. What if you watched your body do that and you said, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to give my power away to the past or that person or that circumstance in my life. You get that body back in the present moment, you lower the volume to that emotion, that's a victory. You're telling the body it's no longer the mind that you're the mind. Now, that kind of work is tedious in the beginning, but I watch people because when I have them do that, it starts stretching their boundaries. own self, that little box, starts to move into the unknown and they survive. And all of a sudden they're more relaxed in the present moment, the unknown. And they start feeling more satisfied. So now they're more ready to create. So the preparation for the day is to remind yourself of who you no longer want to be. To know thyself, to become so familiar with, the word meditation means to become familiar with, so conscious of your unconscious programs you're not going to go unconscious.

Why?

Because you did battle today with that personality that's creating the same personal reality. And if your personality is made up of how you think, how you act and how you feel and you want to create a new personal reality, then you've got to change your personality and that's going to mean then you're going to become so conscious of those unconscious programs that you're no longer the program. You're the consciousness observing the program. Disentangling from that. is not easy. That's why most people won't do it. That's why they get on their cell phone and say, let me just create a little dopamine by just seeing if I got a text from somebody I like. You know, your phone's over there and you're no longer regulating with something outside of you. This is game time. So then if you said, what thoughts do I want to fire and wire in my brain? Both my attention and my intention, I'm going to make that the loudest voice in my head. And if you keep firing and wiring, that hardware is going to become a software program and it's going to be a new voice.

Right.

It's gonna, you installed it. No magic there. And if you said, hey listen, I sucked yesterday with my staff meeting. I was off. I want another shot at it. How would greatness show up? School of greatness. How would greatness show up for the staff meeting? I got another shot. I got 10 fingers, 10 toes, I'm alive, my heart's beating, I didn't fail, I got another shot today. All right, what do I know about myself that I can do? The act of closing your eyes and rehearsing who you're going to be is installing more hardware. The brain's going to look like you already did it. Now it's no longer in the past. It's primed for the future. Keep doing it and it's going to become a software program and you're going to start looking pretty great. People are going to go, wow, you're really great. You're going to demonstrate greatness. But there's no magic there because you're going to think, what is greatness? Okay, I like what this person said. I like what that person said. I like what I read here. I love my experience of when I've demonstrated and the frontal lobe is going to create a beautiful, beautiful understanding of how to evolve your experience. And when you, no different than learning how to dance, learning a sport, learning lines if you're an actor, an actress, a musician, you rehearse all the time. And the rehearsal is actually priming the brain for the experience. So now your brain is ready for the day. It's different than just going, oh, I'm not going to react to my boss. Well, you haven't done the work. to come up with how to overcome that, and then what did you install so you have raw materials to use? Now here's the hardest part. Can you teach your body emotionally what it would feel like if you arrived at your future? And can you say, I'm not going to get up until I feel that way? Now this is good work here, because you'll have to come up with that emotion and get beyond the shame, the guilt, the unworthiness, the pain, the suffering, and this is battle. This is battle because your brain is going to keep going to something that's going to want to make you feel that way. Then the analytical mind is going to say, you can't do this. It's too hard. Why don't you quit? That's where everybody stops. But right on the other side of that is love. Right on the other side of that is gratitude. Right on the other side of that is freedom, right? So then if the person's willing to go a little further and practice a way to do that and they could get in touch with that emotion and they can feel it. And when I feel it, I always say, and usually when it's really good, I say, remember this feeling.

Memorize this feeling.

Memorize.

Make a snapshot of that fear.

I want to be able to bring this feeling up on command, so I'll let it go. And then I'll go back and say, let me see if I can do it again. Why am I trying to do it again? To remember. Remembering is creating the circuitry to be able to produce it again. It's going to become a skill. Now, I have something to walk into my condition in my life where I'm reacting. And now I have a plan. I've primed my brain and body to the future instead of the past. I've suppressed the past. So now I have, I'm closing my eyes, disconnecting from the environment, overcoming my body, not thinking about the predictable future, the familiar past and time. I'm in the present moment. I'm ready to create. Why? Because I want to present myself to the world as an evolved version of yesterday.

In this second section, best-selling author and spiritual leader Gabby Bernstein details the differences between wanting and needing. and how to find confidence in yourself. What is the difference between wanting and needing energy? If we need something or if we are needy in general, are we attracting and manifesting or is wanting something different than needy?

Wanting and needing are very different. Wanting, as long as it is not paired up with a neediness, is beautiful. It is a longing. It is a desire. It is a cultivation of, as Abraham would say, a rocket of desire. It is just sending out to the universe, I want love in my life. I want another baby. Like, I, oh, Louis, I want another baby in my arms. I love having a baby. I want my son to have a best friend. I want my, my family to feel complete. I want another little footstep in my house. Like, you feel that I don't feel needy when I say that to you. I feel like excited and have happy anticipation for what can be. Needy looks like I need that relationship to feel safe. I need that money to be good enough. I need that accomplishment. It's a vibrational frequency that is not attractive. It does not magnetize towards it. The universe can't support it. It is not in alignment with your super attractor power. So needy is actually another way that we get into what I call manic manifesting because when we're in that needy place, like we'll do everything that we have to force it.

It's like forcing it.

Yeah. Forcing it. Exactly. So whenever a desire is backed with neediness, it's definitely misaligned.

And what about the idea of, I deserve this to happen. I deserve this in my life because of this. I deserve this thing. Or an entitlement energy. Deserving an entitlement, what did those energies bring to us or repel us?

-It is interesting. I have two points of thought on that. If you come from a place of, I am entitled to miracles, : Because my natural birthright is love. And when I'm in alignment with love, and when I'm expressing love, and when I am in commitment to love and connection and compassion and service, then I am aligned with the universal energy of love and miracles are my birthright. That is a spiritual form of entitlement, right? It's, this is the belief system that I am love. When I don't forget that, the universe delivers. I've been teaching that for over a decade. So there's a big difference between feeling that level of when I am in alignment with the energy of love, love is reflected back to me. That's entitled to miracles. But sometimes this is like a semantics issue, right? Because then the other form of entitlement of like, I deserve that job, or I deserve this because I've put so much in. Ooh, that's yucky. That's that. Like, you know, I have people I mentor, and I often hear them say things like, I've been working on my personal growth for so many years. I don't deserve this. I deserve more than this. And it's like, well, you know, that belief system might be one of the reasons why you haven't gotten that thing yet. So I guess the way I would describe the difference between spiritual entitlement and ego entitlement is spiritual entitlement comes when you are truly grounded in the truth of who you are and why you're here. And ego entitlement is when you are disconnected from that truth, trying to fill a hole that you could only find with a genuine spiritual connection.

When you were just saying that, I think about when you feel like you deserve something, you're more in judgment mode. You're impatient and you're judging, you're judging something that hasn't happened yet or that isn't happening for you yet, as opposed to Flipping the script and saying, okay, this is happening for me for the betterment of my future. And where's the appreciation and the gratitude in this moment? I think would be a better place of manifesting and attracting.

But it also doesn't mean that we can't believe we're deserving of something. I believe that I am deserving of many things in my life because back to that spiritual entitlement, because I believe that the things that I am deserving of are a reflection of who I am.

Two things that I've noticed people struggle with the most, their attraction to financial abundance and their attraction to peaceful love and connection. Love in general, a relationship that is more peaceful.

Because not everybody's attracted to peaceful love and connection.

Right, right.

But people struggle attracting financial abundance and peaceful love.

There you go.

That's what I meant to say. They struggle with finding attracting a financial abundance and attracting a calm, peaceful, connected love presence in their life, intimate relationship of that standard. What can we start to do? Let's start with money first. What can we start to do to feel spiritually entitled to more financial abundance and believe we are worthy of earning more? Let's talk about money first.

Well, let's actually look at both of these desires because you're on the front lines of witnessing people's needs and wants, right? Because in the space that we work in, you see it every day. So they want money and peace and love. What are those two things offer someone?

Safety.

There you go. Security and safety. What is the underlying root cause condition for our triggers? feeling unsafe.

Feeling unsafe and secure, yeah, uncertain.

So, what are we seeking most? Safety and security. And why are we seeking that most? At some point along the way in our childhood years, that secure attachment was breached. Whether we grew up in the best household or not, there is energetic disturbances. of course, those kids that grew up with a secure attachment often likely don't have a lot of issues in relationships or as adults or may not have major issues. Money has a different connotation too, but let's say they grew up in a secure attachment style in a home that wasn't in lack and they have a belief system that's pretty confident and, and therefore they've, they've got this leg up. There are steady people out there. They do exist. But the vast majority of people have some kind of insecure attachment, whether it's from a trauma or it's just from sort of a feeling of not being seen. So the real work to gain that confidence, to believe you're worthy and deserving of the love that you long for, the abundance that you long for, is to develop a healthier sense of safety from within. That can come through many of the things that we've spoken about on this show already through therapeutic practices, It comes through even following... There's thousands of self-help books in the world that have offered people miraculous change without having decades of therapy. There are ways to follow the guidance of spiritual teachers and personal growth leaders and self-help developmental people. So there's a lot of resources out there. The first step to becoming grounded in the belief system that you are worthy of what you desire is to get grounded in the belief system that you are worthy of love.

How do we believe that if we never felt like we had it? -Yeah.

-You start with loving yourself.

-Yeah.

-You start by first recognizing, I always say that say nice things to yourself because you are the only one listening. So speaking to yourself with compassion, letting yourself off the hook, forgiving yourself in the moment, releasing yourself from a storyline that you've held on to. Self-care is what we call in IFS as being self-led, led by that resource part of you. So this is a game I play with my husband from time to time. When he's hung up about something, this is helpful for parents. I don't know if this is going to be helpful if you're not a parent, but you can think about it in the way of how you would speak to a child. Sure. So I say to Zach, Zach will say to me, you know, I'm hung up about, you know, how so-and-so isn't getting the job done on the, on Construction thing or whatever, or I don't even know, like any, any issue, right? Or, you know, work thing or whatever. I'm not happy with this situation. And I would say to him, well, if Ollie came to you, all of us are a son. If Ollie came to you with the same problem, what would you say to him? He, he, he's like, I would say, Ollie, don't worry about it.

It's under control.

You're going to get everything you need. And I'm like, dude, can't you say that to yourself? Can't you say that to the young part of you that's activated right now? And he said, okay, I can't. And he does. That's Self energy, self energy is that adult resource part of us that wants to speak back to the child. And so you can ask yourself, if you have young children in your life, like a niece or a nephew, or think of a, how innocent a child is, what would you say to that kid? You have limitless possibilities, dude. You are beautiful. You have everything you could ever contemplate. So begin to speak to yourself, speak to those child parts, or speak to yourself as if you would speak to your own children, or as if you.

Would speak to an innocent child.

In this section, visionary and yogi Sadhguru shares what love really means and how we can use it to live a more fulfilling life. Why is it so hard for people to feel that type of love, that unity love, the conscious love in a relationship, an intimate relationship?

See, this is because they are interested in the fruit, not in the root.

The fruit, not the root. What's the root?

Say right now, you want to experience love. So what will we do? Like people are going about chanting this mantra, I love you, you love me, you love me, I love you throughout the day.

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Because you know, if you don't say it for two days, it may go away. Love does not happen because you say it. Love does not happen because you're attracted to somebody. Yes, you may feel it at certain moments. When you like something, you may also begin to love it, all right? Essentially, love means sweetness of your emotion.

Sweetness of your emotions. Yes.

When you have very sweet emotions, that's called love, isn't it? If I have nasty emotions, that's called hate, that's called whatever. So, sweetness of your emotion, why is it that you have tied it to something that you like to eat, I love ice cream, I love this man or woman, I love this, I love that, I love car, I love Ford, I love Chevy, you know, people are talking this everywhere, all right? So, or I love God, that's the safest thing to do. Because you can always claim God loves you. But if you claim this person loves me, tomorrow the guy when it goes away, you can't say anything. But this is a safe thing to do, all right? People have found various ways. I am not saying there's anything wrong with that. It's okay. You use whatever means you want to feel the sweetness of your emotion. But you must understand, it's the sweetness of your emotion. I am asking you, what happens within you? Why is it determined by somebody else? What happens within you if it's determined by somebody else? This is the worst form of slavery, isn't it?

When love is determined by someone else?

Not only love, your happiness, your joy, your peacefulness, your love, anything that happens within you, when your inner experience is determined by something or somebody, that is the worst form of slavery. But we are a free country.

So, when people are in a relationship and there seems to be a wave of joy and love and acceptance and then other days, maybe it's anger or resentment or frustration. How do we move out of that and more into acceptance and conscious love as opposed to control or manipulation or well, you need to do this to make me happy. How do we expand beyond that?

See, first of all, you must decide, is your life in pursuit of happiness or is it an expression of joy?

Is it in the pursuit of happiness or expression of Joy.

Tell me in your life, when you're expressing your joy, was that the best moment? Or when you're pursuing happiness, what was that the best moment?

The joy.

Yes.

So why is it that you have not done that? Because you still believe there is joy in this tree and you can squeeze it out. There is joy in this man or woman that you can squeeze it out. You bring them and then you expect relationship to be great. It will not be. You're bringing them out so that juice of joy will come to you or love will come to you. No, love is not something that you do. Love is something that you can become. It's your quality. If your mind is in a certain way, it's joyful. If your emotions are in a certain way, it's loving. This is the quality of sweetness of body. If your body becomes sweet and pleasant, it's called health and pleasure. If your mind becomes very pleasant. It's called peacefulness and joyfulness. If your emotions become pleasant, it's called love and compassion. If your very life energy becomes pleasant, it is called blissfulness and ecstasy. Only if your surroundings become pleasant, it's called success. Only to achieve success, you need competence, you need cooperation, you need help from other people.

Go.

All right? Because without all of them cooperating, there will be no success. Right now, these guys must cooperate. Otherwise, this shoot is not going to go well.

Yeah.

All right. But even if these guys don't shoot well, we can still be joyful. They cannot stop us.

No, we can. We can be joyful.

Yeah.

Yes, they cannot stop us. But for the shoot to go well, you. They need to cooperate. If they don't cooperate, the situation. will not go well. For the success of this situation, you need the cooperation of all these people. But for my body, for my mind, for my emotion and my energies to feel pleasant, I don't need anybody's cooperation. This is 100% my business. So right now to experience love within you, you are asking somebody to be in a certain way. Oh, all the best. You're going to have a trip.

Is that why you think most marriages go through divorce? Because it's more of needing the other person to support you in feeling a certain way?

See. Suppose you cannot walk without a crutch. Without a crutch you cannot walk. Then next moment you go and say to somebody, some pretty woman, I cannot live without you. Between the crutch and her, what is the difference, I must ask. One is a physical crutch, another is an emotional and psychological scruTch, isn't it?

Yeah.

So essentially you have crippled yourself. This life is a complete life by itself. If this is a complete life, it's joyful, loving, wonderful by its own nature. Now when it's feeling so wonderful, it may want to share this wonderfulness with people around. You can share this with thousands of people. But you also want a more intimate sharing to happen, for that you need one person. So if it's about you expressing your joy and love to somebody and you find that person, you think that person is going to run away from you?

No.

No, you want to squeeze them for love and joy. Initially they drip, afterwards sometime they dry.

Yeah.

So you squeeze them, too much.

Yeah. For the people watching or listening who might be saying, you know what? I've struggled in my relationships. I don't have financial abundance. I'm struggling financially, out of shape, struggling in my health and wellness. And they're wondering how they can use karma in a sense to support them to create more abundance. Financial abundance, spiritual abundance, relationship abundance. health and well-being or maybe they've been thinking, well, maybe karma's been against me in that way of thinking. How can they start to think differently to apply these principles?

You are setting up all the wrong goals.

What should the goals be?

Simply this. See right now, if you instead of philosophizing, reading scriptures, reading self-help books, all this, just pay to the trees around here. What are they doing?

Being.

No, no, no, no, no. They have no capability to be. They are not called beings, only you called being, human being you are. They are not, that's just a tree. It's a wonderful tree, what is it doing? Beneath the ground it's fighting, all right? What is it fighting for? Is this maple tree trying to produce apples? No, it is just trying to be the best possible maple tree it can be. It is not trying to produce apples. Definitely I don't see any coconuts up there. All right?

Right.

This is all. As a human being, you must see how this life can blossom into its fullest. If it blossoms to its fullest, somebody may become rich with money, for somebody may become intelligent, somebody may become knowledgable, somebody may become loving, somebody may become an artist, somebody may just wonder, but a fully blossomed human being is a joy to see no matter what they're doing or what they're not doing, whichever way they're an asset to whole humanity. Instead of doing that, you want, for example, you said abundance in economic terms. What is your idea of abundance in economic terms? Jeff Bezos is it?

Me personally, that's not it. But you mean having enough to be able to do what you want, not feeling like you're a slave to paying your bills.

No, no, I'm not insulting anybody. I'm just saying right now, everybody's saying he's the richest man in the world or whatever. So, what is your idea of abundance?

$200 billion of personal wealth?

You're asking for a specific number. No, no, I'm asking for a number, not because I want to find out your number.

Yeah.

Asking because these numbers are bloody meaningless. They're all socially relevant, not relevant to you. And anyway, talking about Karma right now, let's say you are the guy who has 200 billion dollars. Yes. It's only in your memory. If I erase your memory, your money is gone.

Hello?

Yeah.

It's gone, isn't it?

Well, it's in your bank account.

It is in the account. But if you.

If you've forgotten what? Yeah. If you've forgotten the code or you've.

Got the access, then. A whole lot of people buried their treasure all over the bloody world. And somebody else found it thousand years later.

That's true. A lot of people have lost all their Bitcoin and they can't get access to it.

Yeah.

So all these issues are there, but the important thing is why do you want affluence? Let me put the word abundance as affluence. An individual person wants affluence. A society wants affluence. Affluence wants affluence. Everybody is striving for that.

Why?

Because initially it means a choice of nourishment.

A choice of nourishment.

Yes.

If you have money, you can eat what you want. Initially, that's the goal.

Yes.

If it goes beyond that, after you eat everything you want to eat, next thing is a choice of lifestyle.

Yes.

Now, for example, United States of America has the highest choice of nourishment choices. highest level of nourishment choices, highest level of lifestyle choices. But you're spending 3.25 trillion on health care.

Right.

Oh, wonderful. That is larger than India's economy.

Really?

For 1.4 billion people. We don't have a three and a quarter trillion dollar economy. All right. So what is the abundance you're seeking? The thing that you're thinking is because you're in California, your idea of abundance is here. If If you are in Timbuktu, your idea of abundance would be this, all right?

Of course.

So I am saying, do not think in terms of abundance. Think in terms of a fulfillment of life. If you are a fulfilled life according to your competence, according to your capability, according to the times in which you live, you will do the appropriate thing. Right now in pursuit of abundance, people are doing vulgar things. You know, people are living in a 50-bedroom house. What's the point of this?

Right. In this final section, relationship coach Stefan Speaks shares how both men and women can learn to communicate and understand each other's thoughts and emotions better to continue to thrive in a relationship.

Chemistry can be created. It can be destroyed. think about it from a team sports perspective, you can put players together and they have to build team chemistry. So, through repetition, through practice they can get to a point of having chemistry. Yes, some people have instant chemistry, all right. But just as it was instant it can also be broken. Instantly, exactly. You know, we can start to not get along and not flow with each other very easily. Things can Things can get in the way and again, this happens even in team sports or even in the corporate arena where you have team building exercises but then things happen that destroy the structure of the business.

That's chemistry.

That's chemistry.

How important is chemistry?

It is still very important. It is not the most important and I say that to mean chemistry has to be in every relationship for it to work and flourish. But it does not set the stage for everything else. All right, connection sets the stage for everything else. So basically, if you have connection, you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility. But now, let's talk about compatibility. I believe compatibility is a very logic-based structure of putting two people together. It's also about we're compatible in the sense that we share values, all right? So again, you can meet someone that you are quote unquote, compatible with. You guys share similar values, you guys come from even maybe the same kind of cultures, there could be a lot of things that make you guys compatible on paper.

What is real compatibility?

Well, to me that is real compatibility so to speak is that yes, you guys on paper are a good fit, all right. And you guys should work. But again, without connection it won't matter. So, I would argue that a lot of marriages let's even talk about arranged marriages some of them were built on compatibility. Well, this person came from the right family so, we like this, they have a good job, they have a good education, they would be a good fit here, they share the same values. But when those two people are really alone with each other, it doesn't always hit. Which is why if you go on an online dating site, it can match two people together that are compatible on paper.

Interesting.

But in person, it doesn't always play out the same.

Because what is missing?

The chemistry or more importantly, the connection.

And sometimes we might be tricked. Oh, we feel the spark of chemistry, but you may not have connection. Is that true?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

So, you might say, oh, we're compatible on paper. Everything, we have the same values. We want the same things for our life and marriage and kids and where family's gonna be. We have compatibility. We have chemistry. There's some type of spark here. I feel like, ooh, this little something down here.

Yeah, we feel- Can't we get along and we know the flow of each other.

It's amazing. But you're saying, if we can't find true connection or if there isn't connection.

Can connection be created? No, and so that's the huge distinction to me with connection. Connection cannot be created nor can it be destroyed. It's either there or it's not.

Wow.

There's nothing you can do to build connection. You can build a stronger bond, you can create a stronger attachment to each other, but that still doesn't mean connection is there. And you see this play out in situations where you have people who could meet each other right now, have this amazing connection. Something happens where they fall apart, they come back together years later, 10, 20 years later and it's like they never stop talking. It just falls right back into place, it's connection. It's a deeper thing that's occurring there. To me, connection is your spirit, recognizing its match. It is something that is happening beneath the surface, all right. Which is why many people who have felt connection, you can't always explain it. Connection does not always line up with the logic of compatibility. It's not always oh, well, it makes sense because of this. No, no, no, it's just there. You just feel something with this person, you feel drawn to them. It's so much deeper than anything you've ever felt and consider this, you can be compatible with tons of people. You can have chemistry with tons of people, you do not feel connection with a bunch of people, period. If we were to survey people who have felt a connection in their life, you'd be lucky to find many who can say two times. Wow, the majority will say it's a one-time occurrence that has happened to them, all right. And being able to have that again, it's very difficult. Now, I don't want anyone listening to be discouraged if they did not end up with the person they had a connection with. I'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen a second time. But I will say that if you surveyed people you would have a hard time finding that many people that say it said it happened twice.

When does someone know it's connection and not chemistry? Because I feel like you might be tricked we have this incredible connection we understand each other, we get each other. I can't explain it but I feel something. That feeling might be also chemistry at the same time, right? It might be masking if it's really connection or chemistry. How do you know if it's true connection over, man, this is desire, connection, attraction, all these things happening at once?

One, can you truly be yourself with this person? Ooh, that's big, all right? Because again, a lot of people, they go on these dates, they're bringing their representative and the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing. But when you actually show your true self, now what happens? And a lot of people have not done that with their partner or the person that they're getting to know. So, again, you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility, but you're not discovering true connection being there. So, you've got to be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core. All right, you can show me all the parts of you, I still want you, all right. Number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions? Again, what people fail to understand and this can happen with chemistry is that we're bonding based off of the activity or the things in our environment. Meaning, all right, we love going out together and we do all these fun and we're doing all these things and that's great, all right. We know how to have fun together. But can we be alone in a room, no TV, no distraction, no phone, just us and still love being with each other? A lot of people can't say that. A lot of people are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner and I use that word strongly, tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in their they have kids, they have work, they have all these other things that they have to deal with.

TV, video games, man caves, whatever.

Exactly, all these things that pull them away from their partner that doesn't allow them to face the fact that no, you really don't like each other at the core.

Man.

And so, that is a huge sign of connection. That's why like one thing I suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip. And it's just a random suggestion but go on a road trip for at least six hours no phone, no distraction just you and them talking. Will you still be happy after those six hours? A lot of people can't make it that far in a car ride with their partner, all right. A lot of people cannot be in a room alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention. So, you've got to really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here if this is really going to be called a connection.

Right, and your fear is Are you able to grow together after 10, 15 years? Is that one of the main things?

So, you never can look that far ahead, you know, and we don't know what's in store.

May not be here tomorrow.

Exactly, it's a concern of can we still give that same energy and it's both sides because again, I'm not perfect. So, even though I'm confident that I could do it what if there's something that throws me off, you know? It's just that yes, as time goes moles on there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that same energy that you brought in the beginning. Now, again, I think I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I think most people do because I think that a lot of people's mentality is well, things change, things are going to be different, it's okay. So, what? You don't go out as much anymore. People think like this but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating.

Right.

I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So, when I think about yes, can I be with someone past 10-15 years if I accept a level of mediocrity? Of course, but... We don't want that. Exactly, I'm saying can we maintain excellence after these 10-15 years? Fulfillment. Exactly. Happiness, all these things because to me what is the point of being here if we're not operating at our highest level?

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By the New York State Department of Financial Services. I hate that line. I absolutely hate it. And I hate it because it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues, all right. I agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments, all right. Because we're going to all have moments, we're going to all fall, we're all going to make a mistake, it's going to happen. happen over time. That's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it even when I want to consistently make you deal with it. No, that's not going to work for me. I can't accept that. That's not okay. And so, a lot of people that's what they're turning it into.

That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth.

Exactly.

Going back to, okay, This is where I'm at, I don't want to address it. You just have to accept it or don't be with me.

Exactly. You know, it reminds me of like, I don't know if they still say it but I know at one time people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship.

Yeah, I just don't like that.

No, at all.

Can you communicate with... We don't agree on this but do you have to argue?

Exactly, that's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not.

All right, so... Say it one more time.

Disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

That's good.

All right, so my thing is yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives, we can bounce ideas off each other, we simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful, whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy, there's nothing healthy about that. But a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship. They don't want to face the issue of I need to learn how to talk to my partner better, I don't want to have to fix my tone, why do I have to watch what I say? because that's what an adult does. Wow. All right, grow up. You know, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this but that's just real. We can't just think it's okay especially with our partners to speak however we want, to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the build up from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way and ever since then, I've resented you. And now in this resentment, I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about because I didn't communicate clearly. Now, you're giving me attitude attitude and now you see how it turns into other things. Now, that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into okay, the way that we talk to each other in general. Maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing, all right. It can also start from some other stuff, all right. But arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug, So, going back to your point about the whole take me as my at my worst, yes, worst moment.

I'm always like this and once in a while a good attitude.

Exactly, consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

So, arguments are disrespect but disagreements is okay. Is that what you said?

Yes, the disagreement is acceptable disrespect is not.

You can always disagree and you can agree to disagree. not agree.

Yeah.

Agree to disagree.

Yeah, agree to disagree.

But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, saying what's on your mind in an angry, aggressive way, tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for someone.

Exactly. People have to understand whenever someone feels attacked, they will defend themselves, even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid, the way you're coming at them. negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker, my focus has been do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message, all right. If I want to be heard I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down, I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's entertainment. I just want to be heard. But no, I want people to receive it. And if I want people to receive it I have to be more considerate, more compassionate, I have to check my tone. I have to be careful with my words and that's why if people watch my videos they'll see I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm saying. So, if we're in a relationship we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you be mindful of how you're talking to them.

Why is it so hard for people?

Because again, they don't want to do the work of correction, all right. And the work of correction can entail the healing and again, facing those issues. It's also conditioning. If people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other, it's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen. So, now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work. And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. They don't want to have to accept that. No, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there's nothing wrong with this or I see other people do it, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay. I think those reasons that just overall they don't want to have to do the work. And so, they rather make excuses for it.

So, it sounds like again, we go back to step one, healing. If you can learn to heal you can start to improve the quality of your choices dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker. You can be a more effective communicator in relationships, whether you're dating or in a long-term community relationship. You can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else. So can you give me a breakdown, a boot camp 101 on how to recognize what you need to heal and then how to start healing that? What does that look like for someone? Okay, I need to heal, Stefan. What do you mean by that? how do I do it? How do I get started? How long does it take to get healed? Okay. Is this a lifelong journey?

Is this overnight? What does it look like? All right, so first thing how long does it take to heal? It's going to take as long as you're willing to put into work. Healing is not a time thing it's a work thing. So, when you hear people say time heals all wounds no, it doesn't. Time alone doesn't heal a damn thing, all right. It can help it does aid in the process but by itself it is no good. you have to take certain steps. So, when people think well, I'm going to take a year off from relationships to heal, why a year? And if you're not doing the work in that year, that year means nothing. And that's what happens to a lot of people. They took a year off but what they did was they hid from the world, they hid from relationships. They went in their corner, all right, and distracted themselves but they never healed. Now, they come back out of that year and they're still the same person.

Maybe the first few months two months of dating they're a little different but then they fall back into...

Exactly, because they never resolve things at its core. Now, in terms of recognizing what to heal my first step is called the who Hurt Me list. So, you get a piece of paper you write down a piece of paper who hurt me. And now, every person who comes to mind you write them down on the piece of paper. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you've moved past it, if you think it's not relevant, if they come to mind then there's some level of relevance there. Put them on the paper in about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you, all right. This is how we're going to start to locate what you've been holding on to. But you really got to go into this exercise very genuine. You can't be trying to control the narrative, you just got to let yourself feel. Just ask yourself the question, close your eyes, let it come out. What's the question I should ask?

Who hurt me?

Who hurt me?

Who hurt her?

That's it.

And what if they're like, I can only think of like three people that really hurt me. Should they be thinking of like every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment or should this be this person punched me in the face?

Anybody who comes to mind. So, I don't want them to force it, but I don't want them to other mind it in any kind of way either. Just whoever comes to mind put them on the paper. Because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody. If we tackle the big one, you're not going to be able to escape the big ones. The big ones are going to come out. They're going to come to mind. If we can tackle those then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally. Sure, sure. All right, because now your awareness is.

Going to be there and your level of healing will allow you to see things differently. Because really the big ones might be the ones that cause the most pain.

And if you heal that the other ones are just a pattern of the pain. Exactly and you will also start to perceive those situations differently once you heal from the bigger ones.

Okay, so that's step one. Take a piece of paper, write it out. How long should this take?

A few minutes, few hours, depending. Depending on the person because you know, for some people it's going to get heavy. It's going to get heavy and that might cause them to want to pause and take a step back. But I would encourage them do not walk away from it completely. Stick to it but it can be as quick as a few minutes. Maybe it takes an hour because they may get emotional in the process but just don't run from it. Just do it, don't even worry about the time just do it. Step two, step two is we got to get things off our chest, all right.

Okay.

And this is where we do the letter writing process. So, there's two parts of letter or two drafts. The first draft is the most important. This is where we're going to have essentially an emotional detox. We got to get everything out. So, let's say on the list is your mother. I always bring up mothers because so many people have mommy issues but the world only wants to talk about daddy issues, all right. And society has made it to where it's almost wrong for you to tell a woman she was a bad mother or to criticize your mother. So, we suppress that a lot more than we do our fathers. That's interesting, you know. So, let's say it's your mother you're going to do the first draft and in that first draft you're just going to let all your raw emotion out. I don't care if you curse her out, I don't care if you wish death on her, I don't care what nasty evil thing you say However you feel, let it come out. You've got to let the anger, the hurt all pour out of you into this letter. If you don't know how to start the letter, start it with the most damning thing you could say, all right. I hate you because boom and then just go from there. It's going to start coming out. Once you uncork that screw, that's it. Exactly, and this is where it gets heavier. A lot of people may take a lot more pauses in this process, all right. Because again, so many people have been suppressing this for so long. And again, it's like any other detox when you start to detox the bad stuff has to come out first, all right. And you can't get to a healed place unless you flush out all the negative energy. So, this is why it's important. This is not the draft to be politically correct to try to frame things in the right way. I don't want you to be considerate. I don't want you to think about what I did some some wrong things too. Forget all that. This first draft is let it rip. Let it rip, let it out. And I guarantee you by just doing that first draft you're going to feel better. You're going to feel a weight come off your shoulders, you're going to feel more peace to you.

Right, that's the draft one.

Draft two. So, draft two is essentially now I always tell people all right, you finish draft one, pray, meditate, whatever you got to do just get to a kind of level place mentally, calm, and now read the letter to yourself as if you were them. Oh, okay. And now, so put yourself in their shoes and anything that now comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting, you're going to change it. You're not changing the message, you're just changing your delivery of the message, all right. And the importance behind this is twofold. One, we talked about it earlier, people don't know how to communicate without being negative. Their tone, their delivery is horrible. So, this letter is going to help you learn how to take your negative emotions and thoughts and now turn it and reword it into a much more loving positive message. Now, loving positive does not mean you won't say some things that aren't hurtful to them or a hard pill for them to swallow. There's just a difference between lashing out and expressing how you feel. Saying this is how you impacted my life. This is how I perceive things rather than you're this, you're that, you're this. That's the first draft but the second draft is just you're just changing your delivery of the message. So, by the end of it you have fully expressed yourself but in a more calm loving manner. This is going to allow one, it's going to teach you how to be better in your communication.

Interesting.

But also, and this is the part people aren't going to like. For those who may have to send it and I would just suggest getting the book to see they got to send it or not, all right. Because it breaks all of this down. But for those who do have to send it, it's going to give you a much greater chance of great things to come from that letter. Not that that's the focus of the letter. The focus of the letter is for your healing. So, I don't care if you did send it and they never responded. I don't care if you sent it and they rejected everything you said in it. Because the your purpose is your release of all those emotions, all right. And you've got to embrace forgiveness. And forgiveness is another piece of this healing puzzle. Forgiving them and forgiving yourself as well. That's the real focus. But I have seen amazing things happen because of these letters. Really?

Yes.

People receiving them.

Yes, I've seen... So, these are not letters that you send out that say you're horrible, you ruined my life. That's not draft one. You're sending out draft two which is more of place of this is how this scenario impacted me. Yeah, this is how you feel. It's more of a responsibility as well how it made me feel is that I'm hearing you say.

Absolutely, yeah. Because it's very different to accuse someone and attack someone versus saying but this.

Is how I received it.

Right, whether you're right or wrong. Exactly, because also understand this hurt people hurt people. And some people might reject that because they say well, I'm hurt and I never hurt nobody that's a lie. What do you realize or not you have hurt people. One example I'll give that comes to mind, let's say you're a woman or a man and you were hurt in your last relationship and now you've become guarded. Now, to you you're still operating as a loving human being but what you don't realize is your guardedness is still hurting either the potential partner or someone that you do get with. Because you're unwilling to give them your whole heart, all right.

So, you still... You're not attacking that maybe you're not punching them or cheating on them, but you're holding back.

Exactly, and you're still undermining the relationship. So, you're still hurting them and you're hurting yourself because you're not allowing yourself to experience the full greatness of it. Because you won't fully dive in because you're scared and you're guarded and that has to be fixed. But going back to the original point I want to make is in that same mold, the hurt person does not always realize how much they're hurting you. We have to understand that damaged individuals are operating from a very selfish mindset. It's I'm protecting myself. Think about the person who is overly critical of everyone else. They're always criticizing, criticizing, criticizing. They're not doing it because their intention is to hurt others. They're doing it because they want to keep the spotlight off of them and to protect themselves from criticism. so I'm going to hit you before you hit me, all right. So, again, a lot of our parents the things that they did they did not understand. And even if they had some semblance of an idea they're so caught up in their own feelings they're blinded by it. So, a lot of times this letter basically takes the blinders off when you do it in that loving manner because like I said earlier, do you want to be heard or do you want them to receive the message? The yelling, the screaming, the lashing out, they heard that because you may have done that with them in the past, but they never received you in that moment.

Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links and also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback back from you guys. So share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great. Prices keep going up these days.

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