How to Manifest Your Dreams, Replace Negative Beliefs & Attract Abundance w/Gabby Bernstein EP 1103

This is episode number 1103 with number one New York Times bestselling author, Gabby Bernstein. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Bob Proctor said, thoughts become things. If you see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hands. And Henry David Thoreau said, go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. My guest today is my dear friend, Gabby Bernstein. And Gabby is an international best-selling author, a world-renowned speaker, and now a podcast host. She's been featured on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday as the next thought leader. And her new podcast is called Dear Gabby, where she coaches you every week by giving it to you straight while also being compassionate. It's available now wherever you get your podcast and would love for you to go check it out and support her after this conversation. And in this episode, we discuss how to manifest your dreams when you feel like you have no control over your life. Also, how to understand if you're actually holding yourself back right now. A powerful exercise for evaluating your beliefs and replacing them with more positive ones. How to start attracting financial pantal abundance, as well as peaceful love in your life and so much more. I'm always so grateful when I get to spend time with Gabby and have her on the show because she brings so much Clarity and wisdom. So if you are inspired by this, make sure to share with someone that you think would be inspired by this as well. Just copy and paste the link wherever you're listening to this podcast or use lewishouse.com 1103 and share it out to social media, text a few friends and all that good stuff. Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Gabby Bernstein Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness podcast. Very excited because we have my dear friend, Gabby Bernstein, who is here. Gabby, good to see you. I miss you.

Babe, it is so great to see you. And I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I love you so much.

I know. I'm very, I'm very grateful for you and our friendship and the wisdom that you've brought me over the years and the many conversations we've had behind the scenes, but also the conversations we've had on my show together, which I think have been extremely powerful where you've opened up about many things in previous episodes. I've opened up to you about things in our interviews. So, I think the world needs more of you and I'm very glad that you've decided to launch your own podcast. We'll talk more about that later, but it's called Dear Gabby and I'm very excited for people to be listening to that. And to queue people up, for this conversation. I'm curious because over the last year, a lot of people have been stuck and feeling lost and feeling uncertain and a lack of power and control. They feel out of control. And when people are out of control, how do they learn to manifest their dreams? This is something you talk a lot about is manifesting things in your life. How do we get back into manifestation mode when we have zero control in our life?

We have to use the circumstances that we're living in as an opportunity to go further in our own personal development.

What does that mean?

Period. Let me unpack this for you. To truly manifest means that you feel good. Feeling good means your energy is free, you're inspired, you are receptive and therefore attracting towards you what you desire. So if we're in a place now where we feel like we're out of control, we're trying to get control, we're in the opposite of that manifestation state, which I refer to as being a super attractor, we're no longer connected to that power. So the way back to that power is to put our personal growth first, to get back, not go out and try to force anything or do anything out there to find control, but to turn inward, to go deeper and identify what's unresolved, work out what needs to be healed, bring forth to the surface the truth of what's up so that we can show up for it, and get back to a baseline of feeling safe, a baseline of feeling joy, a baseline of connection rather than thinking that I have to go get control over something, we have to return to who we are. And it is a lot of language, but I can further that too.

And what happens when we try to control our environments on the outer world, people on the outer world, schedule, food, working out, whatever it may be, when we try to control everything on the outside, but we are constantly in trigger mode. Things affect us so deeply what's happening on the outside internally. Will that give us a sense of control if we have everything under control, but we're still triggered by everything?

So when we're triggered, we try to find control because it's a way of staying safe. Being triggered in any form is really just an activation of a sense of being unsafe. So what we're gonna do in that moment is, go try to control our relationship or go try to control our food or go do something to feel safe. And that also can come in the form of addictive behavior, like overeating or drinking too much to anesthetize and numb out that feeling of being unsafe, that feeling of being activated and triggered in a wound, in a place of fear, ultimately. So what we want to really begin to recognize is the reasons that we get triggered and then find tools, self-soothing tools, self-help methods, breath practices for self-regulation regulating our own nervous system or our energy, our field in those moments so that we don't live from trigger to trigger to trigger to trigger to trigger. During COVID man, I mean, the whole world has been triggered.

So.

We'Ve been in this constant state of hyper arousal, fight, flight, freeze, reactivity. And I said very early on, I said this in March of 2020, there's two ways you can show up for this. You can numb out and drink and use and anesthetize yourself in whatever way you do. or you can show up. And when I say show up, show up for yourself. Show up for the unresolved parts of yourself. Show up for the painful stuff. Show up in your therapy. Show up on a show like this. Show up in a self-help book. Show up through a 30-day contemplative practice, whatever it is that you are guided to, to actually take action with it. So we had two choices, and we still have that choice. Even if it's been a year of numbing out, you can She's again right now.

Yeah. What's been the biggest internal trigger for you that still affects you today that you haven't fully gotten over the hump? Or do you feel like you've kind of mastered that part of your life?

I am in the mastery process, but I think that I will be for the rest of my life in mastery. But I'm really, really, a year ago now, a year ago today, I was in a much more triggered state than I am fast forward 12 months, a little more. Because like everyone else, COVID activated unresolved parts of me, feelings of feeling out of control. That's a big one for me. Like you said, feeling out of control, feeling unsafe, feeling not cared for, feeling like I have to do everything. So while I've spent the year really, really in full-blown recovery mode, saying, Hey, I see this head-on, the you know what hit the fan, I'm going to show up now. I've shown up with every ounce of my being and have really come out the other side. But to your point, it's still there. So it's not that I'm completely healed and I have no triggers. The difference is that I'm so aware of those triggers. I said to my executive team today, I said, listen guys, I said to our HR director, I would like you to go, we've been doing a lot of educating ourselves on how we want to have our company structure and team communication. And I was like, the exec team, which is our CEO and our COO and myself, we're kind of in our old habits, but our energy isn't there anymore. Like we're not those people anymore, but we are still falling into these old habits. So can you help us create the structure through which we can have boundaries and proper communication so that we can step into the new patterns of who we are. So Some of it is that we have to catch up with our own growth, in a sense. And I think I've seen that personally and professionally. So it's fascinating when you make a commitment to your inner life, what can change and then the discomfort along the way too.

Right. What would you say is the, what's been the biggest trigger for you in general in your life?

Feeling inadequate. And unlovable.

Really?

That's the feeling. What triggers that feeling is feeling out of control, feeling like people aren't showing up for me. Because the thing is, and when people.

Don'T show up for you or you don't feel like they're showing up for you the way that you want them.

To, I feel inadequate and unlovable. I feel like something is missing.

Even though they might be showing up for you fully in their capacity, if you don't feel like they're showing up.

For you, you have to do everything. No one can take care of me. Wow.

Man, how do I... I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. So how does someone, how do you learn to overcome that on a daily basis when that's been so embedded for so long?

One of the tools I've been using and studying and I plan to get trained in is IFS Therapy, Internal Family Systems, founded by a new friend of mine called Dick Schwartz, who I will introduce you to because I'd like for you to have him on the show. I'm his new pro bono publicist, but he's truly an amazing man and he's created a system that is one of the most profound therapeutic systems for any human, but especially those of us who have had trauma. And the internal family system simply put is the belief system that we have many different parts of who we are. And we have these protector parts. that protect these inner child parts that he refers to as exiles. And so the inner child part is I'm inadequate, I'm unlovable. And the protector part is whenever that inadequacy or that fear of not being good enough or not being cared for shows up, the protector part is I'm going to control everything around me. So that's the part I call the controller. Another one of my protector parts is knives out. So that's the part of me that's like, if you mess with me, the knives are out. Don't.

Right.

Me, right? And another protector part could be for somebody even numbing out could be a protector part, right? Or drinking or addiction can be a extreme protector part. So there's no bad parts, as Dick says, but the work is to really get to a deep connection with what IFS refers to as self energy. Self could be considered, in my words, source, inner guidance system, the universe, God, the part of you, the all-knowing, loving, caring, parental part of you, really. The part of you that can care for those more extreme parts. Does that make sense?

-Absolutely, yeah.

-Yeah. It is a pretty dense idea, and it is quite the opposite of what we have been brought up to believe in. But I am very clear that one of my intentions, because I have been practicing IFS for eight years with my therapist. It has had a profound impact on my well-being and my experience of other humans and my ability to witness people with compassion, even people who are really in bad ways or people who have done harmful things, but to see them with compassion because I can see them in all of their parts.

-Right. And when someone is being aggressive or angry or in knives out mode or addiction mode. When you can see it in yourself, you can see it in other people. And when you can have compassion in yourself and the way you've been now or in the past, then you can start to look at other people and say, well, I don't agree with this, but I'm not going to scream at them and yell at them or get angry at them. But I can have compassion and learn to communicate in a way that they could connect with and resonate in this moment.

I love that you just nailed that so perfectly, which is what is your gift? Because you just said you, when you see it in yourself, you can see it in other people.

Yeah.

That is such an important point to make because when we start to do our own personal growth work, one of the greatest benefits, one of the greatest gifts is that we start to have a greater sense of compassion for others because we recognize that we're all suffering. Wow, if I can suffer that much, then I can't imagine what that person's going through. We are all in this together.

Judgment's been something that I've been working with a lot with myself and other people, especially during the last year where politics and cancel culture and right and wrong communication is constantly being talked about on social media. And I've constantly tried to check myself and say, okay, I don't agree with this, but I don't need to judge this person for their beliefs or where they're at. And when I come from a place of non-judgment when what's happening in the world, I feel more at peace. When I'm judging, I feel lower sense of energy. I feel angry. I fixate on something like a dog trying to get a bone as opposed to thinking more abundance. and thinking about my vision, I'm focused more on right and wrong. I love your book about having a detox from judgments. And I'm curious, where do you still judge the most today in your life, whether it be with yourself, the world, your environment, where is today prevalent for you, even though you're the expert in this? Sometimes the people that write the things that they need the most. So what's the part that's for you?

Oh yeah, man. Listen, I wrote a book called Judgment Detox. It's very brave to put your face on the COVID of a book with that title because, you know, whenever I'm caught out judging a friend or they look at me like, it's not the Girl with the Roll Judgment Detox, right? Like, what the hell is she saying? Just yesterday I had a, I was faced with A very big moment of, is this my opportunity to be radically honest? 'Cause I'm trying to practice radical honesty.

And non-judgmental at the same time.

But how can I be non-judgmental in my assessment of these radical, honest moments?

It was tricky.

It was because the friend that I was in this dialogue with was, she's like, I just feel so judged by you. And in my head, I'm like, and my radical honesty part said, I am really judging you, but this is why. And when I got into the why, the why is backed with data, the why is backed with concern for others, the why is backed with overarching care for the world. So I felt really grounded in the why. And when you practice radical honesty and you tell someone the truth, the biggest way that it is the most effective is to say it from a non-judgmental place.

To say- so, Howard, could you skew that up? If you do not like something about your partner or your family member or friend, a coworker, what can you say to them in a non-judgmental way about radical honesty? I would have liked to have said it to her.

Here is how I would have liked to have said it to her. I was still heated when I said it, so it came out as judgment. She was not wrong about that, but I would have liked to have said to her, By the way, I just want you to see the slippers that I'm wearing right now.

I love it.

I love it. Party on the top, slippers on the bottom. So I would have liked to have said to her, I have no intention of changing you. I welcome you to tell me whatever it is that you need to say. I just want to be able to tell you the truth first, and then you have every right to tell me exactly how you feel. I want to be honest with you so that I don't hold on to it and so that we can clear the air. And it's important for me to let you know my opinion about this matter. So here it is. And then when expressing it, speak about it honestly. And then using nonviolent communication, which would really imply, I feel, I'm noticing this, it makes me feel this way. I think a resolution could be this. How about, how about that? And just coming at it from a place of human to human connection rather than trigger to trigger. So if I could do it over, I would have done it that way. Maybe she'll watch this.

Exactly.

I'll send it to her.

And why do you think most people are blocking themselves in general from having what they want, whether it be the relationship or the financial abundance or the peace that they want, internal peace? What's the main blocker? Is it judgment? Is it anger and frustration? Is it their childhood traumas? What's the main thing?

It's, All of the above, but the root cause of our blocks is unresolved programmed belief systems about ourselves that we repurpose and replay and project onto the future every single waking moment of the day in every area. When I say every area, there may be some areas of your life where that belief system doesn't have a hold on you. Whereas, let's say maybe your finances are flowing, everything's cool, you do great at work, but in your relationships, you're just blocked. Like it's just constant. So these unresolved areas have a root cause condition that have tentacles, and it can be in all areas, or it can be in some areas, or can be in a specific area. -And the blocks are the result of a energetic disturbance that is on repeat. The way out of that, the way to get unstuck, is to change our internal nervous system, our belief systems, and all the energy that's wrapped up around that. -Wow. -That is not easy. Yeah, you are going to say, How.

Do you do that? -Well, I mean, say someone listening is 30, 40, 50 years old and they've had a belief for that, you know, for decades of their life. Is it as easy as being aware and conscious and the belief shifting in a moment? Or do things really take a long time to shift a belief?

I think I believe in quantum shifts, but I, I do believe that quantum shifts often come with a lot of practice and recovery.

Yeah, it's like you spend years of working on it and then all of a sudden it works.

It was funny, I was talking to Dick Schwartz, the founder of IFS. I said to him, I said, you know, Dick, it feels like it's been 10 years of hard work for overnight relationship to self, you know? And he's like, yeah, I've heard that before because that there was this, you know, I had been in IFS therapy for eight years, eight years, eight years, and then all of a sudden one day it clicked. I was like, oh my God, my internal resourced self can care for the the controller and can care for the little girl and can really navigate the system internally and get those parts out of their extreme roles. And she can be so, you know, so loving and compassionate. And she's not always going to be there, but she's going to be there more often than not. Holy crap. That was, you know, eight years in therapy doing IFS and then, you know, 15 years of hardcore recovery.

Right, right.

So it isn't, It isn't that, but here's the cool, here's the good news. We may not have that click aha moment overnight, but we have to recognize that every moment of relief along the way is a miracle. The more we add up those moments of relief, the more we live a miraculous life. So the idea that growth is hard and we have to do so much and it's so heavy, We can unpack that by really witnessing that we can have fun along the way.

Yeah.

You can celebrate the small wins. You can enjoy the moments of relief. You can even enjoy the process of personal growth, which sounds insane, but I do.

No, yesterday I felt like the last few months have been emotionally challenging, ups and downs, ups and downs. I haven't felt a sense of stable emotions with certain people in my life. And I've been like, man, can I just have one day where it's not, you know, wondering what's going to happen next? And yesterday was that day where I was like, man, this is a peaceful day. And even though I don't feel like I've had a lot of peace consistently for the last few months, I was like, I can really appreciate the full day. I can journal, I get to journal about this and, and reflect back like what was happening and how can I do that one more day? How could I do that one more day in my life and not think about the rest of my life, but just today? What can I do to show up for myself for peace, for my environment, for the people in my life and continue to be in progress like you said and continue to work on it? And it's a beautiful thing when we can, I guess, reflect on those moment to moments and build the miracle over time. It's not going to happen, you know, overnight, but it's like build it over time, like you said. And when can we, how can we, is there an exercise or process you have about evaluating our beliefs and figuring out which ones truly support us and which ones are tearing us down and then how to replace a belief that's been so ingrained in your psyche for so long?

I have a wonderful method from my book Super Attractor that I often say if it's the only method from the book that somebody applies, they can experience a miraculous shift from that alone. It's called the choose again method. The first step is to notice the negative thoughts that you have on repeat and notice how they make you feel. So in the moment, if you can catch yourself, you can't always catch yourself, but if you start practicing this often enough, you'll get good at it. Notice, oh, there's that thought again. Oh my God. And how is it making me feel? Step one, making me feel tight in my chest. It's making me feel anxious. It's making me feel like I want to go punch the wall. It's making me feel XYZ. So you can even write it down. You can just think about it. Step two is really important. It's to forgive yourself for having the thought. When you forgive yourself for having that thought, What happens is that you no longer identify with it. You just see it as a thought that you keep thinking. You just see it, oh, there's that freaking thought again.

So it's not, this is my thought, this is a thought that I'm thinking in the moment. Yeah.

It's just that thought that I've thought again and again. There it is. There's that thought again. I'm not good enough. There's that thought again. I'm bad. There's that thought again. No one loves me. There's that thought again. I can't handle this. Oh, it's just there again. Right? Just notice the thought, notice the thought. Oh, forgive the thought. Forgive yourself for having the thought. And Abraham Hicks says that a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. When you forgive yourself for having the thought, you no longer believe that that thought is you. You see it as a thought that you keep thinking. The third step is the fun part. That's when you can choose again where you can reach for the next best feeling thought. So in the moment you would reach for the next best feeling thought being something that you believe in. So I always use the example, if your thought is, I'm broke, I'm broke, I'm broke, I don't want you to choose again with, I'm a millionaire, because the ego part of you, the fear part of you is going to be like, yeah, freaking right, nice try. You want to reach for the thought of, I have that job interview next week and I'm excited about it. I have LinkedIn, which is an incredible resource. I can reach out to that friend who knows so and so. I have the skill set that I am really proud of. I have this education behind me. I have this resume, whatever it is that you can lean into, that you believe in, that empowers you, that makes you feel good. And once you start to get into a momentum with feeling better, you reach for more. and you reach for more and you reach for more. You choose again, you choose again, you choose again, you get into the habit of that. It's fun.

Yeah, I think, man, for so many years, I would think that I was worthless, that I was stupid, that no one could ever love me. Again, I think this is, I always think that we're the only ones who have this thought, but most of the world has some type of thought like that, I think, unless you've just been, had so much confidence infused into you as a kid, which I feel like it's challenging for a lot of us to have. And it took time to really be like, okay, no, you're not stupid, you're not worthless, you're not unlovable. It took time, but doing a similar practice like this where it's focusing on, well, what am I good at? And let me put that thought in my forefront and just focus on doing that. And something that I have learned that has been really helpful when I think of a negative thought, and I love this process, this choose again method, I just think of like, man, I'm being really selfish right now. I'm being really self-centered of what I don't have. And so let me focus on serving other people. Let me focus on smiling at a stranger. I don't have to give money to everyone, but let me just make someone smile. And by doing that, I feel more valuable. I feel like I have value, I've worth, because I added value to someone else's moment in their life. And the more moments you build throughout the day, you're gonna feel like a million dollars. You don't need a million dollars to feel like a million dollars.

Love it. Beautiful. Love it. And when I was in my early sober recovery, my sponsor said to me, when you're feeling stuck in your own story and your own crap, be of service to somebody else. When you're feeling helpless, help someone else. Because the fastest way to get out of your own is to go say, Hey, how you doing? Hey, how can I be of service? How can I help you out? I really also want to make sure I say something right now about something you just said. You just said that you just really opened up about some of your fear-based belief systems. A lot of people listening are thinking, wait, how could Lewis be thinking like that? You know, Lewis has it all. Lewis is, you know, he's so successful, he's gorgeous, he has this beautiful girlfriend, he's got this great life, blah, blah, blah. How could he think like that? And I want to acknowledge you because your vulnerability and your bravery to speak on behalf of the parts of you that are exiled, those parts of you that are inner child, younger parts, is very helpful for people right now. Because I think that what we all need most is to feel as though we are not alone.

-Absolutely.

-And to identify and recognize ourselves and other people. Because, as you said, we often think, well, I am the only one that thinks that way.

-I appreciate it. Thank you. Yeah. And I feel like it is a responsibility for all of us to be willing to be vulnerable, not, not necessarily publicly. I've, I've got this platform, and I've made this decision to, to be more vulnerable publicly. But I think it's hard to connect to people in your friends, your life, your family, if you're not being open and vulnerable to certain things. And you don't have to be this every day, but the proper times, I feel like we create connection through vulnerability, through being real about how we're feeling or what we're going through. So if I was always saying, like, I have everything figured out, then I don't think anyone would be interested in anything I have to say personally, but-.

Listen, you and I, our friendship is a great example of that. We've known each other for, I don't know, six, seven years, however, maybe longer.

Yeah.

I remember early days of our friendship, we were a little, we were far less developed than we are now as humans. Now we have a lot more under our belt. And I hadn't even remembered my childhood trauma at that time. So many different things going on. And as the years have gone on, been able to meet each other with more and more vulnerability to the point now where I could not talk to you for six months and then you'll text me and I'll say, how are you? Like, ah, going through this shit and that shit, doing this therapy. And I'm like, the same back to you. And that is vulnerability is a muscle that has to be exercised. Not everybody has the privilege of entering a 12-step program. In 12-step program, which is one of the coolest things, is you can walk into a meeting and see somebody you haven't seen in six months and say, hey, you know, how are you doing, Jessica or whatever? and think of it, you know, I felt a little suicidal this morning, but, you know, I'm okay now. You want to get a coffee? It's like, yeah, let's get a coffee. You know, it's like there's just straight talk and, and big talk, no small talk. And at this stage in my life, that's where I'm at. I don't, I don't have, I don't have much taller. I like small talk for, in the pursuit of, of casual conversation and just, just like lightheartedness but in, in my.

Real relationships, I don't have much time for small I know. Isn't it funny when you start to really open up and heal, start the process of healing and you realize like, wow, this is the stuff that matters most, not, you know, how's the weather or whatever.

So.

So I love this that you said that Abraham Hicks said a belief is a thought that you keep thinking. Is that right?

Yeah.

Make sure. I'll make sure I get that right. Believe is a thought you keep thinking. But when we believe it so deeply, how do we change the belief of the thought we keep thinking to where it actually lands and it connects to us and says, oh, this is a new belief. Because I can think I'm a millionaire, I'm a millionaire, I'm a millionaire and be broke. How do we believe it, the thought that we keep thinking if we replace it with a new thought?

Well, I gave you the choose again method, which I can explain how that works. Because when you're noticing the thought regularly, and you're calling it out, it is kind of like when somebody has a really bad behavioral pattern and you just keep calling it out and calling it out and calling it out, and then noticing how it makes you feel, honoring the feeling behind it. Because the feeling is actually what is really backing up the belief system.

-The feeling. -How your body connects to the idea.

-Oh, yeah. It is a somatic experience. Your body believes that you are not good enough, that you are whatever it is.

So how do we embrace a new feeling with the thought so that our body starts to believe it?

One of the great practices for really releasing unresolved emotional disturbances is a practice called Emotional Freedom Technique, which you are familiar with. Something I practice or friends, the orners practice. and teach, it's called tapping, emotional freedom technique, or otherwise known as EFT. And what's beautiful about a practice like tapping, and I'm gonna give that one and a few others, but what's beautiful about a practice like tapping is that you can take a thought or a belief or just a feeling that you're having in the moment. And you can tap on it, which is meaning that you tap on these different energy meridians on your face and your chest and your arm and your head. while you talk about the emotional disturbance. And what that does is it releases the amygdala's fight-flight response. It stimulates the vagus nerve, which regulates your nervous system, and it allows your nervous system to calm down and settle. And then when you're more in a more settled state, that's when you become safe enough to start to redirect and move into a more Elevated way of thinking. The more you practice a pattern like this, pattern like EFT, and I'll name a few others, the more you actually are working with the thoughts, but also working with the feelings and therefore the beliefs to regulate and then redirect. It's like how Dan Siegel says about children, you have to connect, then redirect. You can't just yell at a kid and say, do it better. You have to connect, honor their feelings, respect where they're at, find out what's up with them. When you notice that they settle, that's when you can say, Hey, do you think we could go and try that again? So that's, we have to care for our parts in that way as well. So through EFT, you can go through these different rounds of expressing the emotional disturbance while tapping, which then regulates your, your energy field in that belief system and brings it to a special, loving, connected, more centered baseline, at which point in that new baseline, that's when you can redirect and begin to tap on what it is that you do want to feel or what is working or what is supportive in that moment.

Yeah.

That's one method.

I love that. Yeah. I think for me, I've been doing a lot of just breath work in general when I feel overwhelmed, stressed and anxious. instead of staying in that pain, I really try to connect my body to my breath and breathe through my entire body so that I can calm myself down and then ask myself, is this a feeling or a thought that is supporting me or is it something connected to my past that I haven't worked on yet? So, breath work is another technique that I think has been really helpful. There's a lot of extreme physical activities like ice baths and saunas and other things to connect to the body so that you can start to really Release some of those things and just feel more connected to it and see how can you move beyond it? Like, like tapping, which I think is really powerful. So any type of physical and thought related process, I'm hearing you say could be powerful and just figure out, figure out what works for you. A tool we can give your folks.

Right now is actually a tapping method similar to what you were referring to with breath work. It's like there's a point which is called the gamut point, which I like to refer to as the holy shit point. and it's between your pinky finger and your ring finger right there.

Okay, right here.

And that's the point when you notice yourself in that freak out, that trigger, that I want to throw something, step aside, tap this point, and you could say an affirmation like, I am safe. Just breathe. I am safe. I am safe. Mm-. Or you could say, I'm loved, I'm supported. Really, I like, I am safe because remember, like I said, under every trigger is the feeling of not being safe. I am safe. And just tap that point. That is a, it's a, it's a, it's a quick resolution that we all have in our, in our, you know, in our hands. We have all access. Another one would be, your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your belly and to your point, breath work, breathing, inhalE and extending your diaphragm and exhale releasing it, or even inhaling for two quick breaths and exhaling with a long exhalation. And that will really just begin to stimulate your nervous system in a way that just tells your body relax. You can say all the right things, but if your body ain't connected to what you're saying, then it's still going to just stay in the cycle.

Yeah, so you gotta connect the body with the belief as well. It's powerful, the feeling with the thought and, and match them both. I'm a big believer that when we doubt ourselves consistently, it's hard to manifest what we want. It's hard to attract when we live in doubt. And self-confidence is something that I think is, it's hard for a lot of people, especially in the last year, to, to stay confident under chaos. What have been some of your strategies or tools or techniques to build inner confidence, whole confidence, complete confidence, not reliant on what's happening on the external world?

Yeah, what a nice question. One of my main methods for establishing inner confidence that's not reliant on the outside world is to become more me. to be more authentic, more vulnerable, more real, more willing to tell the truth, more willing to be radically honest. Because when I'm just being me, I have nothing to prove.

I'm just.

In the truth of who I am. -And I also know that that is all that anyone else outside of me wants as well. It is just that truth. All you want from someone is that truth. I think that is why you and I have gotten closer as friends, because we have gotten more honest with each other and more honest with ourselves, right, as humans. So we can pick up the phone and just feel that connection. So I think that one of the secrets to confidence is to accept that your authentic truth is the coolest part of who you are. That's when we can start to lay down the pretenses of who we think we should be.

Not your authentic truth is bad and not good enough or weird or yeah.

Just be real. Be real in the moment. You know, I interviewed somebody recently and she was like, I'm just so nervous. I'm so nervous. And I was like, that's cool. Like, you're nervous. Okay.

Yeah.

Let's just be with the nervousness. Thank you for telling me you were nervous because it, you know, it clears the air. It allows me to be present with where you're at in this moment and not feel uncomfortable in your discomfort. Say it like it is. Just tell the freaking truth.

Yeah.

This is what's up for me. This is where I'm at.

Any other strategies for building self-confidence?

Yes, many. One form of self-confidence for me has come through unwavering faith in a spiritual connection. Because as a result of really being devoted to believing that there is a presence beyond me, in the service of what is of the highest good for me and for all has given me this level of certainty that I dreamt of, that I can now live and stand by. Therefore, when things are not working out the way I planned, I know there's a better plan. When something is delayed, I know that it's because there's something better coming. When there is rejection, I can see it as protection. Because I have a belief system that there is a higher presence, that there is a presence of a higher power, spirit guides, my grandmother ancestors working with me to co-create this life that I am living.

-Wow.

-So I do not feel alone anymore. Because one of the big reasons we lack confidence is because we feel so alone. And so really feeling a presence of spiritual connection by your side, There is a beautiful message from A Course in Miracles. If you knew who walked beside you on the path that you have chosen, fear would be impossible.

I just got chills. If you could actually believe in the unseen, and if that was true, but you just can't see it, but you could feel it, then it would be a lot different life. Right.

I actually asked in one of my books, I think that the chapter title in a chapter title in the Universe Has yous Back, maybe, was, How would you live if you knew you were being guided?

Well, I mean, this is something that a lot of the, I would say, radical Christ followers, you see people who are, you know, just believe in Christ and the Christ is guiding them and working through them and all these things. those people have a sense of certainty and faith and trust and connection to a spiritual, you know, to their, their spiritual truth. And I think it's, it's beautiful to see whether you believe or agree in it with it or not. It's, it's beautiful to see the, the power that someone has or the letting go of fear that someone has when they believe in something greater than themselves or their and again, whether you want to call it Jesus or your ancestors or whatever you want to call the thing that works for you, I think it is important to find something beyond while I am alone here on this earth and what is the purpose? Because then you are going to be really scared and messed up. Totally, totally.

And that has been my whole career has been about helping people recognize and identify spiritual connection of their own understanding.

Yes.

It does not have to be a religious spirit. It does not have to be Gabby Bernstein's definition of spirit. It is your faith your own understanding to crack you open to what that means to you. Doesn't matter what it looks like, what it sounds like, what it's, what you call it, but it's that you start to rely on it, on a presence beyond your own. I love to say too that we, the secret to manifesting, the secret to attracting what you want is to forget what you think you need. Because when your agenda is so wrapped up in your desires, You block what could be, you block major possibilities that otherwise could be way bigger than what you even anticipated or thought you could receive.

So should we stop desiring things?

No, no, no, not at all. It's just to forget what you think. When I say, so for instance, I have a desire to have another child. I started to go through the IVF journey last May, so we're coming up on a year. Wow. The whole time, Louis, being on medication for over a year.

That's painful, isn't it?

A year. And the whole journey, I was steady, man. I gained, you know, 15 pounds. I was like, you know, taking medication every single day for 365 days. I stayed steady because I knew that my desire was on the way. But I had to forget what I thought I needed, which was I needed to happen now, or I needed to happen this way, or I needed to happen without six rounds or without seven rounds or whatever, eight rounds or whatever it was, or I needed to happen on my timeline or without gaining weight or whatever my story might have been. Instead, I just continued to stay steady. and show up, listen to my inner guidance system, advocate for myself when I knew that something didn't feel right. And we're moving in the right direction now. Moving in the right direction now. But it's been a year, so there's no small thing.

That's a lot of time.

But what's a miracle about that is my therapist even said, she was like, I'm so blown away by how steady you've been through this. And I said it's because I have unwavering faith in the universe.

When would you not have unwavering faith? How much time would have to pass where you'd be like, okay, maybe the universe is telling me that this isn't supposed to be happening for me at this time.

I would never say that this isn't supposed to be happening. I would just say it's not supposed to be happening in this way.

Interesting.

I think that's an important message for anybody on the conception journey. There's many ways to have children.

Right, right. So it doesn't mean your desires, you can still have the desires, it may not look the way you want it to look.

Oh yeah, that's right.

Interesting. Should we be guided by our desires and our dreams or should we be guided by something else?

I think that our desires and our dreams deserve respect. I think that they can be a driving force within us. But the real driver has to be devotional steadiness and peace and groundedness in the present moment. That has to be what drives us most. That is what we have to rely on most. Because the only way to get to the dream joyfully is to have fun along the way, to be present in the moment, to stay grounded in the moment, to stay steady in the moment, and to have faith and have fun even when the thing has not come.

That is really the whole, I guess, strategy behind manifesting is being present, having fun, cultivating peace. That is really the process, is it not?

I wrote this book, Super Attractor, that we have talked about on your show before. And the subtitle of Super Attractor is Methods for Manifesting a Life Beyond youd Wildest Yeah. And it's no small, it's no small promise, but it is the promise. But these methods that I teach in the book are not methods for tricking the universe. They're methods for feeling good. Because the secret to manifesting is to feel good. When you, we often think that when I get that thing, I'm going to be happy. It's the opposite. It's when I feel good, what I desire is on its way. or it's coming faster than I could contemplate. So back to the IVF journey, I just was steady and feeling good. Drove an hour and a half every day there, an hour and a half there, an hour and a half back to go to this clinic. Because I live in the country, driving there and back, listening to you, listening to Rich Roll, listening to the podcast and Jay and all my buddies. Learning, studying IFS in the car. And I wrote a book this year, wrote a book in 2020, educating myself so that I could, cause I was writing about neuroscience and things I'd never touched before. And so instead of just dreading the drive, I looked forward to that drive. That drive was my study time. It was like I had these almost three hours, you know, several days a month where I could devote just to studying, and otherwise I may not have given myself that time. So that joyful experience in the moment allowed me to look back and say, wow, a year I did this, a year I went through this, and I was never hung up along the way.

I think that is one of the secrets, definitely, to manifesting is making the moments that you do not enjoy enjoyable.

Yeah.

And finding a way to have fun in the things that bring you discomfort or pain. And I remember in my early 20s, I was a truck driver for three months and I would drive six hours a day driving like a big truck that had car parts on the back for Napa, Napa car, Napa auto parts. And I drove, yeah, two hours one direction. I would transfer the parts. Drive back about two and a half, three hours on the way back in traffic. And I remember the first week being like, this is miserable. I was making like $250 a week driving five days a week, six hours a day. I was like, this is not fun. But I gotta make this enjoyable. Otherwise, I'm gonna drive myself insane. And I started imagining. And at that time, I just started learning salsa dancing. And I said, I'm gonna use this time to salsa dance, even though I can't dance, but I can imagine it in my mind. And I put in a CD every single day of the greatest salsa hits. And I would just imagine myself learning the dances and going over the dances for six hours a day. And then I'd go practice at night and dance. And it was, I made it more enjoyable.

Yeah.

And it just made it, I don't know, that much more fun. Yeah. Or wasn't this painful thing.

Yeah.

I think the key to feeling, you know, when you can learn how to feel good, even when you don't feel good, you're going to attract and manifest so much more than you ever thought.

That's right. That's right.

It's really, it's really easy to complain and feel bad all day long. It's so easy, right?

Yeah. Well, it's our default. It's our default. We have, we're fault finders. We're, we're suffer Seekers. We're constantly thinking that if, you know, if I'm not suffering or struggling, I'm not succeeding. I mean, there's just all backwards crap in our brain. But one of the biggest ways to feel good with our circumstances is just be in the acceptance of what is as well, because a lot of what causes us the most discomfort is our resistance to discomfort. So in those moments when we can just say, this isn't, like, the most exciting moment of my life, you know, this isn't, or this isn't exactly what I want to be doing. I'm okay with. I'm just accepting of that, you know, it's like. I didn't, I know I would notice myself when I would be taking a shot and I would be mad about it. And then I would just get into acceptance. Well, you're 41 years old and you want to have a baby and this is what you do. And then I would quickly move from acceptance into appreciation of, well, you have an insurance policy that covers all this. And a lot of people are taking out a second mortgage on their home to do this. And you have this incredible blessing and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. And I actually have to tell you something really cool. Yesterday I gave my sister-in-law, my sister-in-law has a young friend who's going through fertility treatment and I had all this leftover medication. It's like almost was making me sad looking at all the medication because it's just like bags and bags of medication. I know how much of that I actually threw out and how much of it went into my body. And you just look at and you're like, oh my God, it's like this, it's sort of this like overwhelming. And my husband looked at me and he's like, You took all of that? I was like, dude, yeah. Oh man. And I had so much medication in my refrigerator. I was kind of holding on to it, even though I don't need it anymore, but I was like holding on to it. Like, what if I do need it again? Like just some, you know, like fake insurance policy. And this young woman was, my girlfriend was telling me that she had this friend that needed it. And I said, this is such a statement to the universe. Like I was like, grab a bag with a bunch of ice packs. Here you go. And I piled that bag up with all the leftover medication that had not even been opened yet because it just hadn't needed or whatever. And I handed it to my sister and I said, Go give this to that young woman. You know, save her a lot of money. This is like thousands of dollars medication, give this to her. But more importantly, well, what number one? I'm grateful I can have the ability to give that to her because I didn't need it anymore and it was great and she was ready for it. But most importantly for myself, it was such a statement to the universe where I'm like, I have no use for that anymore. I'm not going to that anymore. No matter what. There's, there's a path laid before me. No matter what, that's not my choice anymore. And so sometimes even when we have a desire and we think it has to be one way, we sometimes have to commit to a new direction. We want to hold on to the old way. We want to hold on to the backup plan or whatever. It's like, no, we got to make a commitment. You got to tell the universe clearly sometimes.

Yeah, you gotta let it flow.

Directing.

Yeah. You mentioned needing. What's the difference between wanting and needing energy? And if we need something or if we're needy in general, are we attracting and manifesting or is wanting something different than needy?

Wanting and needing are very different. Wanting as long as it's not paired up with a neediness, is beautiful. It's a longing, it's a desire, it's a cultivation of, as Abraham would say, a rocket of desire. It's just sending out to the universe, I want love in my life. I want another baby. Like, I, oh, Louis, I want another baby in my arms. I love having a baby. I want my son to have a best My best friend, I want my, my family to feel complete. I want another little footstep in my house. Like you feel that I don't feel needy when I say that to you. I feel like excited and have happy anticipation for what can be. Needy looks like, I need that relationship to feel safe. I need that money to be good enough. I need that accomplishment. It's, it's a, it's a vibrational frequency that is not attractive. It does not magnetize towards it. The universe can't support it. It is not in alignment with your super attractor power. So needy is actually another way that we get into what I call manic manifesting, because when we're in that needy place, like, we'll do everything that we have to do.

It's like forcing it.

Yeah. Forcing it. Exactly. And so whenever a desire is backed with neediness, it's definitely misaligned.

And what about the idea of I deserve this to happen. I deserve this in my life because of this. I deserve this thing. Or an entitlement energy, deserving an entitlement. What did those energies bring to us or repel us?

-It is interesting. I have two points of thought on that. If you come from a place of I am entitled to miracles, because my natural birthright is love, And when I'm in alignment with love and when I'm expressing love and when I am in commitment to love and connection and compassion and service, then I am aligned with the universal energy of love and miracles are my birthright. That is a spiritual form of entitlement, right? It's, it's, this is, this is the belief system that I am love. And when I don't forget that, the universe delivers. I've been teaching that for over a decade. So there's a big difference between feeling that level of when I am in alignment with the energy of love, love is reflected back to me. That's entitled to miracles. But sometimes this is like a semantics issue, right? Because then the other form of entitlement of like, I deserve that job or I deserve this because I've put so much in. Ooh, that's yucky. That's that, like, you know, I have people I mentor and I often hear them say things like, I've been working on my personal growth for so many years. I don't deserve this. I deserve more than this. And it's like, well, you know, that belief system might be one of the reasons why you haven't gotten that thing yet. Right. You know, It's like, so I guess the way I would describe the difference between spiritual entitlement and ego entitlement is that spiritual entitlement comes when you are truly grounded in the truth of who you are and why you're here. An ego entitlement is when you are disconnected from that truth. trying to fill a hole that you could only find with a genuine spiritual connection.

Yeah, and I go back the way when you were just saying that, I think about when you feel like you deserve something, you're more in judgment mode. You're more like, why isn't you're impatient and you're judging something that hasn't happened yet or that isn't happening for you yet, as opposed to flipping the script and saying, okay, this is happening for me. for the betterment of my future and where's the appreciation and the gratitude in this moment? I think would be a better place of manifesting and attracting.

But it also doesn't mean that we can't believe we're deserving of something. Because, for instance, I think I believe that I am deserving of many things in my life. Because back to that spiritual entitlement, because I believe that the things that I am deserving of are a reflection of who I am. That makes sense.

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Two things that I've noticed people struggle with the most, their attraction to financial abundance and their attraction to peaceful love and connection. Love in general, a relationship that is more peaceful.

Not everybody's attracted to peaceful love and connection.

Right, right. But people, people struggle attracting financial abundance and peaceful love.

There you go.

That's what I meant to say. They struggle with finding attracting a financial abundance and attracting a calm, peaceful, connected love presence in their life, intimate relationship of that standard. What can we start to do? Let's start with money first. What can we start to do to feel spiritually entitled to more financial abundance and believe we are worthy of earning more? Let's talk about money first.

Well, let's actually look at both of these desires because you're on the front lines of witnessing people's needs and wants, right? Because in the space that we work in, you see it every day. And so they want money and peace and love. What are those two things offer someone?

Safety.

There you go.

Yeah.

Security and safety.

Yeah.

What is the underlying root cause condition for our triggers? Feeling unsafe.

Feeling unsafe and secure, yeah, uncertain.

So what are we seeking most? Safety and security. And why are we seeking that most? At some point along the way in our childhood years, that secure attachment was breached. Whether we grew up in the best household or not, there's energetic disturbances. Of course, those kids that grew up with a secure attachment often likely don't have a lot of issues in relationships or as adults or may not have major issues attracting. Look, money has a different, a different connotation, too. But let's say they grew up in a secure attachment. style in a home that wasn't in lack and they have a belief system that's pretty confident and therefore they've got this leg up. That is a pretty, you know, there are steady people out there. They do exist. But the vast majority of people have some kind of insecure attachment, whether it's from a trauma or it's just from sort of a feeling of not being seen. So the real work to gain that confidence, to believe you are worthy and deserving of the love that you long for, the abundance that you long for, is to develop a healthier sense of safety from within. That can come through many of the things that we have spoken about on this show already, through therapeutic practices, It comes through even following... There are thousands of self-help books in the world that have offered people miraculous change without having decades of therapy. There are ways to follow the guidance of spiritual teachers and personal growth leaders and self-help developmental people. There is a lot of resources out there. But the first step to becoming grounded in the belief system that you are worthy of what you desire is to get grounded in the belief system that you are worthy of love.

-How do we believe that if we never felt like we had it?

-Yeah. You start with loving yourself.

-Yeah.

-You start by first recognizing, I always say that, you know, say nice things to yourself because you're the only one listening. So speaking to yourself with compassion, letting yourself off the hook, forgiving yourself in the moment, releasing yourself from a storyline that you've held on to that self-care is what we call an IFS is Self-led, led by that resourced part of you. So this is a game I play with my husband from time to time when he's hung up about something. This is helpful for parents. I don't know if this is gonna be helpful if you're not a parent, but you can think about it in the way of how you would speak to a child. Sure. So I say to Zach, Zach will say to me, you know, I'm hung up about, you know, how so and so isn't getting the job done on the, on the construction thing or whatever, or I don't even know, like any, any issue, right? Or, you know, work thing or whatever. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not happy with this situation. and I would say to him, well, if Ollie came to you, all of ours are signed. If Ollie came to you with the same problem, what would you say to him? He, he, he's like, I would say, Ollie, don't worry about it. It's under control.

You're gonna get everything you need.

And I'm like, dude, can that, can't you say that to yourself?

Can't you say that to the young.

Part of you that's activated right now? And he said, okay, I can. And he does, and it's like, and then he's back. That's self-energy. Self-energy is that adult resource part of us that wants to speak back to the child. And so, so you can ask yourself if you have young children in your life, like a niece or a nephew, or if you, or if you think of how innocent a child is, what would you say to that kid? You have limitless possibilities, dude. You are beautiful. You have everything you could ever contemplate. So begin to speak to yourself, speak to those child parts, or speak to yourself as if you would speak to your own children. or as if you would speak to an innocent child?

Yeah. It's such a practice to learn how to do that. It seems easy to say it, but it's such a practice to really say kind things to ourselves. At least it was for me, because for about 30 years, I pretty much didn't know how to say a kind thing authentically. I would say it in a way of an ego of like, you,'re the best, you're gonna be the best, who cares if they don't love you, like, screw them, like you can prove them wrong mentality. But it just left me feeling much more disconnected and empty. When I proved to myself that I was the best at the thing I was doing or whatever, I was just like, oh, but I still don't feel enough. I still don't feel loved. So now what? And it was like even darker. It's like you achieve everything you want and you feel less and less loved. And it feels like no matter what you create in the world or achieve, It's not enough. And then you're like, oh, this is the dark place.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's funny you're bit reminding me of this moment that I haven't.

Thought of in years.

So I was probably like 30, maybe 31 when I was interviewed on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday, 32, early 30s. I wasn't even married yet. And I'm on Oprah and I'm sitting there and she's like, well, what's the most important thing you've ever learned? And I'm looking at Oprah, you know, like the thing that I've been manifesting for 30 something years. And I was like, that nothing out there can make me happy. That's the biggest lesson I've learned at this young age of whatever, 30. That nothing out there. And to the idea, the concept of like sitting there on the Oprah freaking show saying that out loud was a big statement. Did I believe it in that moment? I believed it. It didn't mean that I was living it fully then. Did not mean that I was living it fully then. But I think that the more that you live it, the more that you show up for the inner parts rather than the outer parts, the clearer you become that the outside stuff isn't the answer. And then the irony is that the outside stuff just comes so much more easily.

It does.

Because it's all a reflection of your internal condition. All of it. So I guess the moral of the story here, Lewis Howes, is that we got to focus on our inner life. We put so think about all the energy and time we put, we focus on earning and selling or pitching ourselves or getting that thing or getting that relationship or getting that weight. What if we took all those hours and placed those hours on, and I'm not saying that we can't, we can't work. We got to make money. We got to survive. But what if we took a fraction of those hours and put them into our own personal development? how different would we be? How much easier would life be? How much more effortless would. Would these experiences be? I can tell you a lot easier.

Yeah. It goes back to, like, you know, finding fun and the things that aren't fun, like finding fun and the friction, whatever you want to call it. It's like, yeah, we've got to show up to work. And some. There are seasons of our life that we may not want to do these certain things. I didn't want to be a worked over for many months. I didn't want to, you know, play on teams that I felt like I was better than to be on. I didn't want to do these things for seasons of my life. But when I stopped creating friction in those moments and said, okay, how can I be more free? How can I have more fun? Then it allowed me to progress beyond those things and attract what I really wanted to for the next season. And I think that's really the secret for me has been, how do I make everyday fun? how do I make everyone around me feel better by my way of being, my energy, by just being playful? And by doing that, I remember when I got started in kind of this business or industry world or whatever, 2008, 2009, I had nothing. I was broke. I was a joke. I'd sleep on my sister's couch at that time. And I remember going to conferences back in 2008, 2009, 2010, somehow weaseling my way into like the dinner rooms after the events with like the top speakers and industry leaders, weaseling somehow like finding someone and be like, Hey, tag along and be like, oh my God, I'm here. I'm in the room. And I just remember being like, I know nothing. I'm an idiot. I am completely clueless to what people are saying. But how can I just have fun? And by having fun and just asking questions that weren't related to business but about their interests, Yes, they were like, huh, I like this Lewis guy. Like, hey, come over, come hang out over here and come over and do this thing with us. And by having that proximity allowed me to create more opportunities for myself. And because I was willing to have fun, and I think that's really the secret is just being playful, having fun in day-to-day life because you're gonna attract more.

Joy is the ultimate creator.

Joy.

Joy. When you are Having a good time, you are manifesting effortlessly.

No one wants to get into a relationship with a negative individual who's got the life sucked out of them.

No.

You're a magnet. There's this a friend of mine who is married for a long time and she's going through a divorce right now. And I said, your energy is completely shifted in a positive way. Like you were living at a six out of ten before, now you're at a 12. And she recognized she wasn't in the right relationship and she should have gotten out many years ago, but now she's gotten out and I was like, your energy is going to be magnetic in the world. Like you're going to create so much in your business, you're going to attract like millions of men to you now because you're smiling, you're joyful, you. You feel free, this energy around you, and that is going to be a magnet to anything you want in all areas of your life. And I think when we feel stuck, trapped, limited, it's hard to really manifest. But like you said, Joy will bring us more possibilities. Yeah. And. And let's speak to the person who's.

Really suffering right now. So you're really suffering. Maybe you're stuck in an addiction. Maybe you're having mental illness, you're experiencing mental illness. Maybe you lost everything through COVID or lost a loved one and you're grieving. That doesn't mean that you can't have moments of reprieve along the way. That doesn't mean that you can't have moments of relief. That doesn't mean that you can't be listening to this podcast right now feeling so loved and cared for and feeling the compassion that we have for the world in this moment. Doesn't mean that these difficult times have to be this sort of sentence because someone hearing like, oh, you don't have to be in perfect joy to be manifesting. Well, no, you could actually be in a low vibe state, but doing your best to do your best every day.

Yeah, yeah. And being authentic too at that moment.

Manifesting something better every day, every day, every day. It's the emotional guidance scale. I've written about it in Super Tractor again. It's Abraham Hicks' emotional guidance scale where you might be in despair but later that day you're feeling jealous. Well, jealousy is actually a much higher vibration than despair. So you can celebrate that. You can celebrate that you've moved up the scale and then maybe you're in boredom. Boredom is better than jealousy. Okay, you know, you're moving up the scale. So while you may still be in like kind of low vibe states, it's a better low vibe state than it was yesterday.

What is, What are we saying to ourselves when we have jealousy and insecurity?

Jealousy is a form of witnessing undeveloped parts of ourselves in others. So, we become jealous because we have not given ourselves permission to be that yet. Or because we are instead of seeing those qualities in the other person as a reflection of who we are and the possibility of what we are stepping into, we see it as a reminder of what we are not.

-What we are lacking or what we do not have.

-We are lacking who we can be. But what I often say is those people who you admire most are a reflection of what you admire most within yourself when you are in that assistant<.

End_Header_Id >assistant to not live in that jealousy, but to be beyond that.

Get curious about it. Say thank you, Jealousy, for revealing to me a part of myself that I may not have developed yet. Let me get curious about that. Is there something in my life that I could be developing? Is there a way that I could be leaning into this more?

Is there anything you're jealous of right now? Or some wanna thing? No. No.

Well, I mean, no, I. Jealous? I think that when I was going through the IVF journey, I was a little jel. I had a lot of friends that got pregnant this year, so I was a little jealous of that, like, ease with which they got pregnant in their 40s and all that kind of stuff, you know? So I think that is an area where I have experienced some jealousy. So again, a reflection of a.

Part.

Of myself that I have not fully claimed yet. That, oh yes, that can come to me in the perfect divine order. Particularly when I was trying to conceive my son, I was very open with you about the years I spent three years trying to conceive how jealous I was of the other women that were...

-All these other women, ah, I just, you know, We took the goalie off for one day, and there we go. It just happened one time.

These women, these amazing women, these fertile beings.

With these golden noses.

It got to the point where I literally, at one point, my best friend, Mikaela, looks just like me. She's Australian. At one point, I was like, Do you think you could give me an egg? I was like, you, don't look like me, you know? But she had actually had a baby during that time, and my other girlfriend had a baby that time, and my other girlfriend at 41, got pregnant overnight. So it was like, it was a little bit of a little bit of a jealousy that might have been maybe not even spoken of to myself.

Yeah. What about insecurities? Do you feel insecure around anything in your life right now? And what is insecurity saying to us?

Insecurity says to me that I don't feel safe. Or in some cases it says, I haven't done my homework. Right? So, So, I do not claim to be an authority in an area that I am not confident in. Or I mean, the reason I can get on stage in front of thousands of people and just speak extemporaneously is because I have a vision of where I want to go before I get on that stage. I have done the work that I need to do to show up. And even just being here with you and you and I speaking confidently and comfortably is just being in the devotional stance of what we believe. So if there's, if you were, if you were to ask me about, like, an area that I just didn't understand, I tried to pretend like I did, that would feel very insecure to me.

Gotcha. What is the thing that you needed to hear or know when you were a young Gabby, seven, eight, 10 years old? What was the thing you needed to hear or know? to support you.

You are safe is what I needed to hear and now.

Did you never feel safe?

No. Not until a year ago.

Really? You didn't feel safe until a year ago? Yeah. Why do you think it took or what opened up for you in order to feel it now? You felt safe in the middle of pandemic.

So safe.

Why? why didn't you feel safe until a year ago? What needed to happen in order for you to feel safe sooner? Or do you think you weren't supposed to feel safe until now?

I wasn't ready to feel safe until now. I think that getting back, if you've had it, you and I have had both experienced complex trauma, so, and is at a young age. So when you have that kind of experience, pretty much you're a part of your soul departs, safety becomes, you're actually often, I'll speak for myself, always on the lookout for danger. -Yeah. -Always in the state of hyperarousal, always, you know, knives out, fists up. -Defense mode. -Yeah. -Who's coming after me now? How do I have to fight back? And then you also just don't feel safe in your body. Don't trust life. As Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing, says, The trauma, the definition of trauma for him is the inability to be present. So, -Because you're always on guard.

You're on guard.

On guard, on guard. Always looking for danger. Because you're in a neural loop of fight and flight, you know, fight, fight, freeze, whatever. You're frozen in shame. You're fighting for your life. You're just, it's a battle. Trauma recovery is a journey. It requires devotional support, commitment, and a secure environment to do deep work. My prayer, you know, I want people to access some, we can put these resources in your show notes, but to go to somaticexperiencing.org, I believe it is, the ifs institute.org, seek emdri.org for EMDR treatment. tapping solution, beautiful work. Just really reaching, really opening up your heart. My friends at the David Lynch Foundation that teach Transcendental Meditation, they are now doing a lot of scholarships for people to do TM. It is just there are resources. There are resources. And when you do not have the financial means, but you have a desire, the resources will be presented to you. You have to show up for yourself. You have to be comfortable in any form, right? But there are really good people in this world doing transformational work, committed and devoted to people who have the resources or who don't. And my prayer is that whoever needs them can find them because doing that kind of undoing work, the undoing of trauma, it really does require strong counsel, reliable counsel, to a reliable support system.

It is really hard to do on your own.

Yeah, it is really hard to do on your own. There is a lot you can do on your own. There is a lot you can listen to the books, you can do the breath work, you can do the tapping, there are so many beautiful tools that you can practice and apply for yourself. You can read the books to understand, even just understanding what happens to you. That is what my whole next book is about, is all about my trauma journey and recovery. And in it, I give such great resources of what I've used and what I've done to get to where I am right now in this steadiness. But even just reading a book like that, or any other book about trauma, you can say, oh my God, I'm not alone. That in itself is a form of recovery and relief. But it's a journey and it requires support, particularly if it's trauma with a big T, right? So sexual abuse or violence or being in an addiction or whatever.

Yeah.

Yes. Rape, you know, it's, it's, it's, it requires a lot. Yeah, but it's worth it, my friend.

So worth it. What is. Wow. So that's the thing you would have said to yourself at, as a child, that you are safe.

You are safe and you are loved and you are cared for. And the reason I would be able to say that now is because myself, my adult resources yourself can now care for love and support her. And you did not rely on anybody else outside of me. There's plenty of people who love me and care for me in support, but I rely on self, self energy.

And do you think that is different.

Than saying like, oh, I am so self-reliant. I can take care of myself all the time. It is a different way of referring to that. It is knowing that there is an adult resource, compassionate, loving, caring, guided part of who I am. that can take care of those activated parts when they get activated, can lovingly and compassionately guide them to safety, can give them what they need, can meditate with them, can take them for a walk, can ask for what they need, can speak up on their behalf. That's what I'm talking about.

Why do you feel like you weren't able to tap into that until a year ago? And what was the catalyst for you finally saying, I feel safe?

Okay, so when I last was on your show, I was early in recovery from postpartum depression and anxiety, which was the scariest experience of my life. But it was the greatest blessing because it was like putting, it was like it blasted me open to get on a faster track of healing. Because I was living for decades with an anxiety disorder that was not Diagnosed. And I was doing a really decent job of just keeping it down through meditation, yoga, just like, you know, push it down, push it like, and then burst out and then bring it down and burst out. And so I was using, you know, sometimes what I realized actually in this year is how much I was over spiritualizing without realizing it, because sometimes we get, you know, we get high on our own supply to get out of those low vibe states. So I was using my spiritual practice, like, get up here and, and instead of like, And that's what I had to do then. That was perfect. That was exactly what I had to do then. There's nothing wrong with that. But now, when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety, I had a life-changing opportunity to be blessed with medication. And I would never in a million years have gotten on an SSRI. Here I was, you know, brought up homeopathic. I told you this never took a prescription. Yeah. I was very brainwashed by the wellness world of. And I I I I I. It's a big word, but it is a little bit important for me to say this, that I was shamed into thinking that that would be a terrible thing to be on a medication.

And you took antidepressants, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

Because I was in this space that was so, like, take ashwagandha, take melatonin or l-theanine and, like, you know, meditate and, like. Everything can be organic and you do not have to, you can do a water fast and you can drink your juice out of it. No, you cannot when you are having a biochemical condition, you cannot. And so I actually lost five months of my life because I was filled with shame about admitting that I actually needed that kind of support. And I am really grateful that I was blessed with a really low bottom, a suicidal ideation bottom that led my therapist to intervene and say, we have to get her psychiatric support.

Right.

And, you know, Louis, one of the things that my shrink said to me when, before I got on the meds, and I was so resistant to the meds because I was still stuck in that belief system, she said, the medication is going to give you a safer Baseline so that you can do deeper work.

Exactly.

That was the case for me.

Yeah, it's interesting. I grew up in a practice in religion called Christian Science, which was all based on faith and spiritual healing, spiritual truth, and not relying on medication to heal the spirit, the spiritual. But my grandfather, who was actually the headmaster of a Christian Science school, later in his life told me that, you know, Christian Science also stands for common sense. and you need to have common sense when your mind is under attack, when you don't have the ability to calm the mind, to calm the body, to allow it to heal itself in the way that the body naturally does and has the power to do. And, you know, because there's been miraculous healings all the time that happen spiritually or through organic practices, but when the mind or the body is under attack and you aren't able to to. To get yourself out of it spiritually, go to the doctor, take medicine, get the bone healed, you know, do the surgery, whatever you got to do to get yourself back to a place where you can have peace and calm and not. And. And holding shame around it is not going to help you heal. And you. You've got to accept that. And otherwise, holding. Holding shame around it while you're taking medicine, it's probably not going to work. You know, it won't work.

It won't work. what you're saying is exactly what I believe, which is I believe and have been taught by my media mentors and my spiritual communities and have have my own belief system that there is spirit in everything. God is in the medication. God is in that therapist that intervenes. God was in my friend that day when I called him and said, I know you're a really great psychiatrist. Help me find a A psychiatrist who specializes in postpartum depression, within an hour being on that call, the next day seeing her with a diagnosis, with the medication in my hand, there's love and God in all of that. And then when I would take that medication, I pray on it, I would say, you know, thank you for giving me freedom. And, but the question is, it's like God is in all these in all doctors and surgeries and medication. But then the real question is when you're given that baseline of safety or you're given that relief because you've had that surgery, well, what are you going to do with it now? What are you going to do to continue to be in the development of healing the root cause condition that brought you to this place in the first place? Right.

Because something, whether it be a thought, a belief, the actions you took consistently got you in a place of pain or a challenge that you're faced with. So we've got to change that action moving forward or that thought or that belief or get out of that environment or get out of that environment or that relationship that's causing us pain or whatever.

So many of our physical conditions are somatic or somatic experiences. They're, they're, they're psychosomatic conditions. Right. So our back pain isn't necessarily our back pain. It's our rage from our childhood.

So that's why my lower back hurt for so many years.

Let me tell 100%. I gastrointestinal issues is a great example. I always had GI issues. You've seen me, you know, at like 100 pounds, you've seen me really ill. And that, you know, that those GI issues were all PTSD symptoms.

What would you, you're 41?

41? Almost 42. Well, 41.

41. You, Matthew McConaughey gave a great speech at the Oscars talking he's always chasing his hero, which is himself, 10 years away from now. I'd like you to imagine you're 51. What would 51 year young Gabby say to you right now that you need to hear right now to support you for the next decade?

It's like a very emotional question. She would just say, I am so proud of you for your commitment to people. I'm so proud of you for your service to others. I'm so proud of you for the impact that you're making in individuals' lives.

That's pretty beautiful.

Thank you for asking that question. That was such a beautiful physical feeling I just had of just seeing myself at 51 and looking at myself now and just really being proud.

Yeah, you're welcome. It always makes me emotional thinking about my childhood self. I've got a photo on my phone right now. My therapist asked me to find a photo of myself. Let me see if I can pull it up.

Little Lewis.

Little Lewis. I don't know if you can see it that well.

Oh, my God. Little, little, little Lewis.

Hello. Awkward. Like, no teeth, like, messed up hair.

Big ears, big ears, all that stuff.

That's what you see. I see a cute little man. Exactly. And I'm not even sure how old I was here. Probably like six or seven or something. And I've just been continually, even though I've done a lot of work on myself for the last eight years since I opened up about sexual trauma, There's more, there's more that this keeps getting uncovered in different environments and different seasons of my life. And so every moment that I check my phone, I'm reminded to look at myself when I say, what do I need to say to myself at six or seven or however old I was there? What did he need to hear? What did he need to feel from, you know, for me? And what am I proud of of myself? And so every, you know, many moments throughout the day, I'm practicing like what I'm proud of. from my younger self. And I keep thinking of like, what will I be proud of in 10 years? And what do I need to hear now?

Yeah. What would you say to yourself? 40 something, I don't even know.

You're what, 38? 38. Yeah. So I would say 48. I would probably say similar to what you were saying that I'm really proud of the work you're doing. I'm proud of the healing you're going through. I'm proud of the way you show up for in service to other people. I'm proud of you surrounding yourself with people that support you in becoming better and getting out of your ego. And I'm proud of you for using yourself to the best of the abilities to make a difference in any way that you can. Because I think that's what I feel most called to do and how I feel the best about myself when I use the tools that I have. to continue to develop them in service of other people, just like you said. So I would say also let go. I would say to myself now, like, let go of whatever pain or frustration or suffering you're going through. Like, let it go. Surrender and know that it's all going to be okay. I think when I think about the Bronnie Ware, is that her name? I think. I think that's her name. The five regrets of the dying. She talks about, you know, when people are on their deathbed, they're reflecting a lot in their past and people hold on to too many things. They suffer without needing to suffer. And at the end of the day, they're like, man, I wish I didn't hold on to these things. I wish I let myself be happier and not suffer as much. And I think we have the capabilities to do that right now. We don't have to wait until we're dying.

Totally.

So that's what I would say to myself. Yeah.

Beautiful.

But I think I'm always reminded to what does my seven-year-old need to hear? What did he need to hear? And continuing to bridge the gap from, I guess, 8 to 38 and. And connect it. So it's like, okay, I feel it right now, and I want to feel it now when I'm older, too, so. Yeah.

Take care of him in the moment. He's still around.

Take care of him. Yeah. The Iron Child is still here. I love that image from Burning Man. Have you seen that image?

Oh my God, right?

I don't know if you posted this recently.

I posted it recently. Jason's a self-poster.

He posted it.

It's like caged adults back to back with their heads down and their shoulders hunched over.

Like kneeling like this, like hiding.

Yeah, but- Same position, hiding. And then there was two small children, you could see like almost wooden children. -SUSAN: Reaching out, touching each other, trying to touch. -TANYA: Touching each other. So these adult parts, right? These exiled parts were shamed out of, you know, or these like, you know, scared, shameful adults. And then these two children, inner children, like, hug me. -SUSAN: Connect. That was literally one of the most, I have to find out who that artist was. I want to get a Fit photograph of that and put it in my office. Like, it was. Oh, God, it's one of the. It was just. And it was really interesting. It was, like, just after my husband and I had done some really big therapeutic work together, and I was like, I sent it to him. I was like, this is us.

This is us right now.

Oh, my God. Yeah. We're just little wounded kids, all of us walking around, you know, we gotta be. We have to. Our adults have to care for those little babies.

That'S it. What is the, what is the thing you're most proud of in your life right now that most people don't know about?

Well, they're gonna know about it now, thanks to you. I am proud, man, of this little Instagram show that I started doing during COVID That was just, just because I had to show up in a new way. The stage was taken away. I had to find a new stage. So I started to hit Instagram every Wednesday where I would bring people on randomly from all over the world and dear Gabby them. I would give them my advice. I would give them counsel. I would give them support. But most importantly, I would help them see that they are not alone. And it became a movement truly, a community of people that continue to come out every week to support each other. And I began to record these Dear Gabys and I've turned it into a podcast. It's coming out, it's out now as we record, as this is out. And it's without a shadow of a doubt one of the things I am most deeply proud of that I've ever created because what it means to me is so much more than just this fun expression of my art because that is my art to serve and to support and to speak extemporaneously about personal growth and spiritual practices. But it's so much more. It's a place to talk about the unspoken shame that we often are not given permission to give voice to. It's a place to normalize the horrific experiences that we may all have suffered from in different ways, to address our human condition with ease and connection and freedom and fearlessness. And it is my opportunity, like I said, most importantly, to not, it is not necessarily just about the advice I give, though that is, you know, I have written nine self-help books. I have plenty of tips and tools I can throw at people. And there is a lot of love in all that. But the most valuable part of what this show offers people is this great sense of awareness. that we're all suffering, we're all in this together, that no matter what's happened to us, we can survive and we're not alone. That's cool.

I'm excited for you. You finally launched the podcast. It's out. It's called Dear Gabby. People need to subscribe to it right now. And it's going to help people really overcome a lot of stuff that we've been talking about today. So if you want more of Gabby, make sure you go subscribe to it over on Apple and Spotify and everywhere. that you listen to your podcast and let her know what you think about it. Send her a message, send her a DM over on Instagram, Gabby Bernstein or Twitter or Facebook, Gabby Bernstein as well. And I'm excited for the journey for you. I know we've been trying to get.

You on a podcast for years now, but you're finally here. So it's exciting. Well, I said to you before the show, I was saying how it found me. You were like, why didn't you do it before? I was like, well, because there was a lot of like logical, logistical reasons that I thought were the reason, but the real reason was that The, the mission of the show hadn't found me.

Yeah.

The delivery of the content hadn't found me yet. And what's so unique about this show is that it, it is a call in show where people join me on Zoom and I, I, I, I will dear Gabby them. I, you can hit me with any question. People come from all over the world and I'm not afraid to, to respond to anything. A recent show we recorded and I'm telling you, Louis, this is no accident. Back to back to back. Three women in a row. The first one came on talking about incest. The second one came on talking about medication, like not wanting being afraid to take her medication because she has a biochemical condition. And the third one came on talking about how she was abused and now having this sort of replicated experience in her romantic relationship with some domestic violence. Boom, boom, boom. Gave them all some grounded advice, but the most important thing I did was to to hold them and see them. And then in the experience of someone being seen, the listener borrows the benefit because they have had their own shameful experience that they've tucked away and ignored and anesthetized. But to be able to recognize, oh wait, that person can be seen in that, so can I. that's the miracle of this show.

It is.

It's a. It's a gift to be able to do it.

It's exciting. I'm excited for people to listen to it. They can get it. Dear Gabby, go check it out right now. I've got a couple final questions for you. I've asked you these before, but I'd love to hear your thought on this season of life. This one's called the three truths, and I have your three truths up here. But if people want to hear what you said previously, we'll link up the other episode where they to hear those.

Oh, cool.

I'm curious what your three truths are now. So imagine it's your last day on Earth and. And you have to take everything with you. All of your work, all of your writing, all your videos, your podcast, everything. It's got to go with you to the next place. But you get to leave behind three lessons that you've learned in your life that you want to share with people, or what I call three truths. What would you say are those truths for you?

You have an inner wisdom within yourself that can care for you and bring you back to safety. number one, that you're not alone in this physical experience, that there is a spiritual presence around you supporting you and guiding you at all times. The other truth, I think the third truth, is that all humans are at their core good, period. Yeah, I bet those are very different than my last three truths.

They're all different. So if they want to hear the other ones, they gotta go back.

I gotta go back and listen to the other ones. Send me the link. I gotta go back.

Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, I got a, I've got one final question for you, but I want to make sure people go to your website, go subscribe to your newsletter, the podcast, social media. Check all the stuff out that Gabby's doing. She's a, an incredible light and resource in the world for so many people for healing, for abundance, for manifesting. for peace, all these things. So, make sure you guys subscribe to my friend Gabby. And, Gabby, I want to acknowledge you before I ask the final question for constantly showing up and being authentic to who you are. And, I want to acknowledge you for being a practitioner of this personal growth world for over a decade, probably 15 years now, and being authentic in the fact that you didn't feel safe until a year ago. I think sometimes people think that when we are sharing this type of information that we've got things figured out when a lot of times we don't and that's why we're seeking this information and teaching it so we can figure it out better for ourselves and we can heal ourselves. So I acknowledge you for just being real and authentic about it and being open about everything that you're up to that might feel shameful or bad or whatever. But it's really powerful to see you constantly evolve and grow and I'm just so grateful for you and our friendship and I love you very much and I'm just proud to know you. So thanks for all you do.

Right back at you. I appreciate it.

I appreciate it.

I echo everything you just said.

I appreciate it. Final question for you, Gabby, is what's your definition of greatness?

My definition of greatness. Greatness is being at ease and steady in the moment. That is the greatness. That is the. That is the greatest gift, the greatest expression energetically that we can give the world. It's being. at ease in the present moment.

Gabby Bernstein, appreciate you very much. Thanks for being here.

Thank you, my love. Thank you.

My friend, thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it, then make sure to share it. Spread the message of greatness and inspire someone else in your life today who would be inspired by this message. I'd love to hear your thoughts on what you enjoyed most about this. You can share your thoughts on the ratings and review section over on Apple podcast and leave a review and just share what you enjoyed most about this interview with Gabby, as I'm sure she would love to hear that as well. And if this is your first time here, then welcome. Make sure to subscribe to the School of Greatness over on Apple podcast and Spotify, and make sure to check out some of the incredible content that we have with some of the biggest guests in the world right here on the School of Greatness. And if you like to be inspired every single week, then text the word podcast to 614-350-3960. You'll be added to our free inspirational text list where every week we send out messages for you to be inspired and continue to be motivated in your life towards your goals and dreams. Plus, we share some other surprises there as well. And I want to leave you with this quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Who said, take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step. And I know there are so many of you, and you might be in a place where everything is flowing and growing effortlessly in your life, and you might be in a place where you've been afraid to take that first step on a big dream or a goal or relationship or something in your life. And sometimes you've got to just be willing to take the first step. You got to be willing to risk something. Fear, humiliation, embarrassment, an uncomfortable conversation. But when you take that first step, it becomes so much easier to build momentum. And I want to see you succeed. I want to see you build momentum in your life. So please keep taking action. Keep showing up here every single week as we bring you some of the most incredible Minds in the world to help you unlock your inner greatness. And I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And you know what time it is? It's time to go out there and do something great.