How To Use The Law Of Attraction To Find Love EP 1342

First of all, I will never work in a relationship. And I don't think anybody should work in a relationship. I think if you're working in a relationship, something is not clicking, something is not right.

But...

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I have a couple theories about relationships that I think are really important, and I use the same exact principles. with my life. First of all, I will never work in a relationship and I don't think anybody should work in a relationship. I think if you're working in a relationship, something is not clicking, something is not right. But if you bring your best and the person that you're with brings their best and you celebrate your life together, then there's constructive interference, there's growth, there's energy. If you're not at your best and you show up, more than likely you're going to pick someone or something apart and it's better that you remove yourself for a period of time and get back into your heart and present yourself at your best. And so if you're not there and you need a mirror or a reflection, then it's good to ask, am I missing something? Am I not seeing myself in some way? and then there's a healthy conversation when you invited. But if you're not invited to contribute your opinion, then it's better off that you don't, right? So people always say, I want a loving relationship, but what they really want is happiness, really. So we do these meditations to create love in our lives and it could be love in familial relationships with your siblings, it could be with your parents, it could be with your friends, or it could be with a significant other. And so if thoughts are the electrical charge in the quantum field and feelings are the magnetic charge in the quantum field and how you think and how you feel broadcast an electromagnetic signature that influences every single atom in your life. The thought sends a signal out and the feeling is the magnetic field that draws the event back to you. So if you're not in a place where you're in love with life or in love with yourself or practicing diminishing your emotional reactions to certain people or conditions in your life and you're living in anger or hostility or judgment or fear and you want a loving relationship, There is no magnetic field for you to draw that to you. And in fact, if you say to me, well, it's that person or that circumstance that's caused me to feel this way, then I would say, I mean, that person or that circumstance is controlling the way you feel and the way you think. And anything that controls the way we feel and the way we think, we are victims to, right? So most people are unconsciously responding to the conditions in their environment, experiencing emotions that are derived from the hormones of stress, those emotions cause us to feel separate from our dreams. They heighten our senses so if we can't see them, it doesn't exist. The threat or the danger puts us in emergency mode. And we can think positively about the relationship we want. We could send the signal out into the field. We could have pictures. We could remind ourselves of what it is, but if you're not drawing the experience back to you, because your response to the environment is actually weakening your organism. It's weakening your response, it's actually weakening the body. Then you will be as a victim more vulnerable to the conditions in your environment, whether large or small. And I'm talking about microorganisms as well. So if you wanted a true relationship where it was fundamentally based on this concept called love. Now let's talk about that because We practice this a lot in the work that we do. If you could truly begin to practice trading those survival emotions every day for elevated emotions and you practiced opening your.

Heart.

It'S a skill that has to take place where you move out of survival. So people say, well, I can't open my heart. I can't feel love. And I say, well, what do you practice feeling? because whatever you practice feeling, you're feeling most of the time and that feeling could be guilt but you're so used to it, you wouldn't even know it's guilt, it just feels like you.

Are most people practicing a feeling or are they just reacting to how they feel?

Well, they're reacting to their external environment.

What's happening?

Or they're reacting to some stray thought in their mind and every thought produces a chemical so if they have an unhappy thought, they feel unhappy. If they have a judgmental thought, thought, it produces chemicals that makes you feel polarized, right?

So... How much does one thought change your chemical body?

That's an interesting question. So let's just put this on hold here. Yes, yes. So the stronger the emotions that we feel from the problems and conditions in our life, the more altered we feel inside of us, the more we pay attention to what's causing it outside of us. So if you have an event in your life, an experience in your life that has a strong emotional charge to it, and you don't feel like your normal self, you feel this alarm system switch on. You're going to narrow your focus on the cause and the brain's going to take a snapshot, and that's called a long-term memory, right? So then what people don't know is that every time they think about that event, they're producing the same chemistry in their brain and body as if the event was occurring.

In that moment.

In that moment. So the highly charged event is actually producing the emotion and the body is so objective that it doesn't know the difference between the real experience that's creating the emotion and the emotion that the person is fabricating by thought alone. The body's believing. It's so objective, it's believing it's in the same environmental experience. So the highly charged emotional events, Some people think of their ex and the thought of that person.

Makes them sick.

Makes them feel out of balance.

So, one image, one thought in their mind makes them feel out of balance.

So all you need is an image and an emotion. A thought and a feeling, a stimulus and a response, and you're conditioning your body emotionally into the past. So now the memories, and this is just not in the brain now, it's in the body. Okay, so now that thought of that person is actually creating a response in the body that's consuming the body's energy for growth and repair, consuming the body's energy to create because in survival it's not a time to create. In survival it's time to run, fight and hide. So the problem is is that it becomes a subconscious program. It's no longer a conscious process. It now is a subconscious process. So now the body has been conditioned into resentment, into unhappiness, into fear, anxiety, whatever it is. And so she's back to our concept of bringing love into your life. So you say to that person, okay, open your heart. And they're gonna say, are you kidding me? I was injured. I was hurt. I'm not gonna do that. Let me see your cards first, right? And once I see your cards, then I'll open up a little bit. So we protect this, right? So now in that state of survival, the research shows that the long-term effects of those stress hormones are pushing the genetic buttons that are creating disease. The body can't live in emergency mode for that period of time. So in a sense, the person is making themselves sick by thought alone. Their thoughts are making them sick, literally. So the problem is, is now the body is conditioned into the past and it's the mind. Now once the body...

The body is the mind?

The body becomes the mind emotionally. So now all of this energy is stored in the body and now the person now has to leave their unhappiness and step out into the unknown. They have to get out of the familiar feelings that has defined them. So they'll say, I can't really feel joy. I can't really feel love. And what they're really saying is, I've been conditioning my body emotionally so much into the past that I can't feel anything else other than what I know.

Anger, resentment, pain, suffering.

Psychology calls those normal human states of consciousness. Those are altered states of consciousness.

So normal states of consciousness are these kind of negative feelings?

No, I'm saying that those states of survival, people say anger, fear, those are normal things. Those are in survival, those are altered states. The survival chemicals are actually knocking your brain and body out of balance. You're out of balance in that moment. And if you keep doing that, the imbalance is now the new balance. And now you're altered emotionally. So back to the concept of love. So the person can theoretically, intellectually, philosophically say, I want this type of person. She's got to be this way, he's got to look this way, he's got to be like this. And they're basically saying, I want something that represents all the things that I no longer want. And so they're creating with their brain and mind, which is perfect. The problem is, is that if you can't feel the emotion of your future, your manifestation of love before it's made manifest, People say, well, when my relationship happens, I find Mr. Right, then I'm gonna feel love. Waiting for the outer environment to change to take away this feeling of anger, resentment, emptiness. But they forgot that they create reality. In other words, when it finally appears that I'm gonna feel love, that's cause and effect. We're waiting for something to happen. If you're feeling the lack and the emptiness, then you're keeping your relationship at arm's length because you don't have the magnetic field to draw to you. So the emotions that come from these energy centers, the lower energy centers in our body do have frequencies, there's chemistry involved, but they have a different agenda. So now we ask the person, can you teach your body emotionally what the future will feel like before it's made manifest? That means you can't wait for your relationship to feel love. You have to reverse that battleship and understand Feeling love is going to be the magnet. And if you can hold the vision of your future, a clear intention, with a coherent brain, organize signals into the field, and you could actually crack this thing open. And practice getting so present in the moment that you're not anticipating the next moment or trying to predict the future. And you're no longer romancing the emotions of your past. you can find that sweet spot of the generous present moment. The familiar past is the known emotionally. The predictable future is the habituation of autopilot, being unconscious and programmed. Those are both knowns. There's only one place where the unknown exists. That's the present moment. So if you could work with your body to the point that it trusts you enough to feel so safe that you have conquered it in a certain way that it could actually relax into the present moment, and it's not worried about what's going to happen next or what's going on around you that you need to eat, you need to pee, you need to move. You got beyond all your drives and you're ready to create. That moment where you're present, if you could begin to work with your heart and start to breathe and start to practice feeling love. In the beginning it would feel foolish or gratitude. Why would I feel love if it hasn't happened? Well, that's because you've been hypnotized into waiting for your world to change to feel the emotion from the experience. But according to the quantum model, your emotion ahead of the experience, when you combine that clear intention with the elevated emotion, and you feel love, your body's so objective that it's actually believing it's living in that future in the present moment, and your body now is beginning to change. you are beginning to change your biology to reflect what you're about to experience in your future. So the stronger the love you feel, the more altered you feel inside of you, the more you're gonna pay attention to that picture in your mind. Stimulus response, memory, emotion, thought and feeling. But now you're remembering your future instead of remembering your past and biologically it's actually the same.

Remembering your future as opposed to remembering your past.

Right, it's the same thing biologically.

The body experiences the same way by thinking and imagining something that hasn't happened yet, but it will happen. Okay, well... and imagining something vividly from the past that happened, sometimes our brains trick ourselves into thinking it happened a.

Different way, doesn't it? Yeah, but that's incidental.

It's none of your business how it happened.

In fact... It's how I interpret it. Exactly, it's your perception, right? So then the stronger the emotion you feel from some outer experience in your life, the more altered you feel, the more the brain freezes the frame and takes a snapshot. Well, now you're freezing a frame in the outer environment. But if you're truly in the present moment and you know exactly what you want and you begin to teach your body emotions, start practicing opening that heart. It's amazing what happens. The moment that heart begins to open, We've measured this so many times, Louis, on a scan, on a real-time brain scan, when the heart moves into this kind of rhythm, when you're feeling frustration, when you're feeling impatient, when you're feeling resentment, you are stepping on the gas pedal and you're stepping on the brake at the same time and the heart is pumping against the closed system and it causes an erratic beat. It becomes incoherent. and energy literally leaves the heart. Now, you no longer believe in your future. You can't put your heart into your future. You can't trust the outcome because there's no energy there. It's being used and consumed somewhere else, so energy is leaving the brain as well. But once energy starts to move into the heart, we've seen this so many times, and it starts to beat in this rhythm, like banging a drum or dropping a pebble in water, pebble after pebble. The heart begins to create a wave of energy right to the brain. like taking a big sheet and going like that. And then all of a sudden you see this wave and the brain gets this rush of energy and that change in brain wave patterns, that change, that wave is carrying information. And the person starts to get a very clear idea. They see their future very clearly. Now that energy is causing them to move into very coherent alpha brain wave patterns which is the state of creation. This is when you no longer hear the voice in your head that's talking to you that you listen to and believe is the truth. I'm not good enough.

Yeah, whatever that is.

Doesn't it, that's called the default mode. It suppresses the default mode network and the next thing you know, you start seeing in pictures and images, you start dreaming and that's the imagination, that's the creative state. So now you start naturally imagining the heart is the creative center. We've got to put our heart into our future. It better be open and activated. So now when you start falling in love with your future, oxytocin is released in the brain and in the heart. Oxytocin signals nitric oxide. Nitric oxide signals another chemical called endothelial derived relaxing factor. And just like when your sexual organs get filled with blood because you're aroused, the same thing happens here as it would happen somewhere else and literally the arteries in the heart and lungs engorge and now your heart feels full and it's thumping in order and you're in the present moment. Now once that happens and it's beating in rhythm, the heart produces an external magnetic field up to three meters wide. Now, in survival, you're drawing from the field and turning into chemistry. When you get energy in the heart, it's causing a change in the brain and all of a sudden it's resetting the baseline for trauma. And now here you have a magnetic field. Now the heart is your magnet. It is the center of creation. And now that energy is frequency. And frequency carries information. And you can lay the thought of your new relationship on that energy because it's consistent with it. You cannot lay the Thought of your new relationship in need. That's a different energy. What do you mean in need?

Well, if you're feeling needing someone to.

Love me out of part-- that's a different frequency.

That's a different energy. What happens when you're in a need.

State as opposed to an attraction state? Well, you're in lack. So now you're trying, you're grasping, you're controlling, you're forcing, you're trying to predict, you're overthinking, overanalyzing, and that's how people live their relationships.

So then if you are going to.

Prepare your brain and body for a new relationship, then you would have to become love completely every day. And that signal then that you're sending out into the field can carry the thought of your health, your wealth, your relationship or whatever. But here's the cool part. When the heart is activated like that and you feel so whole, so in love with life, so satisfied in the moment, so exuberant that it's impossible to want. Now you're no longer in lack. Now you're so whole that you will magnetize wholeness in your life. The person who's the person that fits the mold energetically, that would be the same as you and yet complement you so that the two can become one, right? And then instead of in contrast, in union you exchange information equal to that emotional state. In other words, people use each other to reaffirm their dependence on certain emotions. You have certain people you complain with about politics or whatever, they complain back about their lives and you use each other to reaffirm some type of belief or something. Belief about life emotionally. You have emotional agreements on things. Well, that emotion is energy and energy is frequency and frequency carries information. So you share the same energy, you share the same information, but that's what people do in their lives. But now in a true loving relationship, when you're truly in your heart, then the question is what would love do in the relationship? And when your heart is open, it's no longer about you. It's about how I feel so amazing with you. I feel even more amazing, but without you, I'm still whole. And so now I'm no longer in need or lack. And so now when we get together and our fields interfere, when they start interfering, now the amplitude gets way higher. There's way more energy. And now, I mean, I'm all about all seven centers of the body lining up, all of them. We're here in a body, let's enjoy it all, but come from love. And so now your heart is so open, that you can't do anything else but give.

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You feel so amazing, you're so happy with yourself, so happy with your life, so happy with what you have, you want other people to feel the same way. And you say, here, take that, and when you give now, guess what happens? You release more oxytocin, more nitric oxide, and more of those chemicals that cause the heart to swell even more. Then all of a sudden, your immune system gets stronger, and all of a sudden, your body starts feeling better, you start having more energy, and now the constructive interference between two people that are coming together in wholeness and no longer dependence or lack or separation or need is a different game.

What's your definition of chemistry, connection, and compatibility?

All right, so, Chemistry to me is the art of getting along, flowing with each other, all right. Chemistry can be created, it can be destroyed. Think about it from a team sports perspective, you can put players together and they have to build team chemistry. So, through repetition, through practice they can get to a point of having chemistry. Yes, some people have instant chemistry, all right. But just as it was instant it can also be broken.

Instantly.

Exactly, you know. We can start to not get along and not flow with each other very easily things can get in the way. And again, this happens even in team sports or even in the corporate arena where you have team building exercises but then things happen that destroy the structure of the business.

That's chemistry.

That's chemistry.

How important is chemistry?

It is still very important it is not the most important and I say that to mean chemistry has to be in every relationship for it to work and flourish. but it does not set the stage for everything else, all right. Connection sets the stage for everything else. So basically, if you have connection, you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility. But now, let's talk about compatibility. I believe compatibility is a very logic-based structure of putting two people together. It's also about we're compatible in the sense that we share values, all right. So, again, you can meet someone that you are quote unquote compatible with. You guys share similar values, you guys come from even maybe the same kind of cultures. There could be a lot of things that make you guys compatible on paper.

But what is real compatibility?

Well, to me that is real compatibility so to speak is that yes, you guys on paper are a good fit, all right. And you guys should work. But again, without connection it won't matter. So, I would argue that a lot of marriages let's even talk about arranged marriages some of them were built on compatibility. Well, this person came from the right family so, we like this they have a good job, they have a good education, they would be a good fit here they share the same values. But when those two people are really alone with each other it doesn't always hit. Which is why if you go on an online dating site it can match two people together that are compatible on paper.

Interesting.

But in person, it doesn't always play out the same.

Because what is missing?

The chemistry or more importantly, the connection.

And sometimes we might be tricked. Oh, we feel the spark of chemistry, but you may not have connection. Is that true?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

So you might say, oh, we're compatible on paper, everything. We have the same values. We want the same things for our life and marriage and kids and where family's gonna be. we have compatibility, we have chemistry, there's some type of spark here. I feel like ooh, there's a little something down here. Yeah, we feel it.

And we get along and we have a flow of each other.

That's amazing. But you're saying if we can't find true connection or if there isn't connection can connection be created?

No, and so that's the huge distinction to me with connection. Connection cannot be created nor can it be destroyed. It's either there or it's not. There's nothing you can do to build connection. You can build a stronger bond, you can create a stronger attachment to each other each other, but that still doesn't mean connection is there. And you see this play out in situations where you have people who could meet each other right now, have this amazing connection. Something happens where they fall apart, they come back together years later, 10, 20 years later and it's like they never stopped talking. It just falls right back into place, it's connection, it's a deeper thing that's occurring there. To me, connection is your spirit recognizing its match. it is something that is happening beneath the surface, all right. Which is why many people who have felt connection you can't always explain it. Connection does not always line up with the logic of compatibility. It's not always oh, well, it makes sense because of this... No, no, no, it's just there. You just feel something with this person you feel drawn to them it's so much deeper than anything you've ever felt. And consider this, you can be compatible with tons of people. you can have chemistry with tons of people, you do not feel connection with a bunch of people. Period. If we were to survey people who have felt a connection in their life, you'd be lucky to find many who can say two times.

Wow.

The majority will say it's a one-time occurrence that has happened to them, all right. And being able to have that again, it's very difficult. Now, I don't want anyone listening to be discouraged if they did not end up with the person they had a connection with. I'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen a second time. But I will say that if you surveyed people, you would have a hard time finding that many people that say it said it happened twice.

When does someone know it's connection and not chemistry? Because I feel like you might be tricked. We have this incredible connection, we understand each other, we get each other. I can't explain it but I feel something. that feeling might be also chemistry at the same time, right? It might be masking if it's really connection or chemistry. How do you know if it's true connection over man, this is desire, connection, attraction, all these things happening at once?

One, can you truly be yourself with this person? Oh, that's big, all right. Because again, a lot of people they go on these dates, they're bringing their representative and the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing. But when you actually show your true self now what happens? And a lot of people have not done that with their partner or the person that they're getting to know. So, again, you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility but you're not discovering true connection being there. So, you got to be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core, all right. You can show me all the parts of you, I still want you, all right. Number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions, all right. Again, what people fail to understand and this can happen with chemistry is that we're bonding based off of the activity or the things in our environment. Meaning, all right, we love going out together and we do all these fun stuff and we're doing all these things and that's great, all right. We know how to have fun together. But can we be alone in a room, no TV, no distraction, no phone, just us and still love being with each other. A lot of people can't say that. A lot of people are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner and I use that word strongly tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in life. They have kids, they have work, they have all these other things that they do.

TV, video games, man caves, whatever.

Exactly, all these things that pull them away from their partner. That does not allow them to face the fact that no, you really don't like each other at the core.

Man.

And so, that is a huge sign of connection. That's why like one thing I suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip. And it's just a random suggestion but go on a road trip for at least six hours, no phone, no distraction just you and them talking. Will you still be happy after those six hours? A lot of people can't make it that far in a car ride with their partner, all right. A lot of people cannot be in a room alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention. So, you've got to really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here if this is really going to be called a connection.

Right, and your fear is are you able to grow together after 10, 15 years? Is that one of the main things?

It's hard to you know, you never can look that far ahead, you know. And we don't know what's in store.

May not be here tomorrow.

Exactly, it's a concern of can we still give that same energy? And it's both sides because again, I'm not saying I'm not perfect. So, even though I'm confident that I could do it what if there's something that throws me off, you know? It's just that yes, as time goes on there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that same energy that you brought in the beginning. Now, again, I think I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I think most people do because I think that a lot of people's mentality is well, things change, things are going to be different, it's okay. So, what you don't go out as much anymore. People think like this but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating. I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So, when I think about Yes, can I be with someone past 10-15 years if I accept a level of mediocrity? Of course, but... We don't want that. Exactly, I'm saying can we maintain excellence after these 10-15 years?

Filmmament.

Exactly.

On a plaid.

Happiness, all these things because to me what is the point of being here if we don't have it, if we're not operating at our highest level?

What about the, saying that I hear, maybe you know the line better than me, if he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best.

I hate that line. I absolutely hate it. And I hate it because it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues, all right. I agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments, all right. Because we're going to all have moments, we're going to all fall, we're all going to make a mistake, it's going to happen. Over time, that's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it even when I want to consistently make you deal with it. No, that's not going to work for me. I can't accept that, that's not that's not okay. And so, a lot of people that's what they're turning it into.

That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth.

Exactly.

Going back to okay, this is where I'm at I don't want to address it you just have to accept it and or don't be with me.

Exactly, you know it reminds me of like once upon... I don't know if they still say it but I know at one time people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship, all right. I disagree.

I don't know if I agree I understand that Yeah, I just don't like that.

No, at all.

Can you communicate with... We don't agree on this, but do you have to argue?

Exactly, that's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not, all right.

So... Say it one more time.

Disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

That's good.

All right. So, my thing is yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives we can bounce ideas off each other, we simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful, whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy, there's nothing healthy about that. But A lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship. They don't want to face the issue up. I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't want to have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does.

Wow.

All right, grow up. You know, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this but that's just real. We can't just think it's okay especially with our partners to see to speak however we want, to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. it's the build up from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way and ever since then I've resented you. And now in this resentment, I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about because I didn't communicate clearly. Now, you're giving me attitude and now you see how it turns into other things. Now, that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into okay, the way that we talk to each other in general. maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing.

Wow, all right.

It can also start from some other stuff, all right. But arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug. So, going back to your point about the whole take me at my worst. Yes, worst moment. You can have a moment.

I'm always like this and once in a while while a good attitude.

Exactly. Consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

So arguments are disrespect, but disagreements is okay. Is that what you said?

Yes. Disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

Yes. So you can always disagree and you can agree to not agree.

Yeah.

Or you can, is that right? Agree to disagree.

Yeah, agree to disagree.

But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing Saying what's on your mind in an angry, aggressive way, tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for someone.

Exactly. People have to understand, whenever someone feels attacked, they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid, the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker, my focus has been do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message, all right. If I want to be heard I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down, I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's entertainment. I just want to be heard but no, I want people to receive it. And if I want people to receive it I have to be more considerate, more compassionate, I have to check my tone, I have to be careful with my words. And that's why if people watch my videos they'll see I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm saying. So, if we're in a relationship we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you be mindful of how you're talking to them.

Why is it so hard for people?

Because again, they don't want to face the... Or they don't want to do the work of correction, all right. And the work of correction can entail the healing and again, facing those issues. It's also conditioning if people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other it's very... It's hard to change that, yeah. It's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen, all right. So, now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work. And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. They don't want to have to accept that so it's no, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there's nothing wrong with this or I see other people do it, you know, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay, you know. So, I think those reasons they just overall they don't want to have to do the work And so they rather make excuses for it.

So it sounds like again, we go back to step one, healing. If you can learn to heal, you can start to improve the quality of your choices, dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker. You can be a more effective communicator in relationships, whether you're dating or in a long-term committed relationship. You can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else. What happens when we don't show our 100% authentic self to someone in the beginning and we reveal that six, 12 months later?

Yeah. What happens? They're really shocked. I didn't know you were like that. I had no idea because they've fallen in love with a version that you showed them that isn't even you. And we forget the truth. Vulnerability is the basis of friendships and indeed relationships. When you're vulnerable, you know, people love you for you. When you're sick, when you have a bad day, they will say, Then you know who your friends are. But if you pretend you're okay, I see that a lot with people who run a business, always pretend everything's fine. They never tell anyone they're lonely. And then we realize, like that great DJ who killed himself. Was it Avicii?

Avicii, yeah.

Who never told anyone. I'm falling apart here. Was it not Bon Jovi? Who was it? Van Halen, Eddie Van Halen. There's so many people in the media who think I've got to pretend I'm great. I can't say I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm lost. They often let you know through their songs. Look at Prince. I mean, that's so sad that he was so lonely.

Yeah.

But they feel that if they tell us, we'll see them as weak. and needy when in fact the basis of friendship is if you're vulnerable and I am, I like you because you're showing me who you really are. And I can love your very soul because I know you. But if I'm in love with an illusion, then it can't work because I don't even know who you are.

Wow. How old were you when you started to realize that, that you were lovable?

I think in my long time, maybe, I remember when I was 18, I had this really lovely boyfriend. We'd always say, you know, I love the way you look. And I was saying to my mum, I haven't got a personality. I really believed I had no personality. I could say, I love your hair, I love your body. But I heard that I didn't have any character whatsoever, and that really bothered me. So I think, you know, it's so weird because when you change so much, you can hardly recognize the person. I was looking back, say really my 20s, maybe even later than my mid 20s. It was only working with my clients over and over again and seeing what was wrong with them that I began to realize, oh, that's what's wrong with everyone. Yeah. And I began to see all of my clients, they could only ever have one of three things wrong with them.

What's that?

Well, the first one was, I'm not enough. That was the biggie. Every client I saw, whether they were a nursery school teacher or they worked in a store or they were a billionaire CEO or a movie star, they all had the same thing. I'm not enough. And so I've got to earn love or buy love or keep being a bigger, better deal to get.

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Love. And that's so easy to fix. You just go, you just take the I'm not out, I am enough. I always have been, I always will be, and you have, you see, the lie is, every day you tell yourself, I'm not enough. You don't know you're doing it. you get up and go, look at me, I don't look right, I messed that up, I didn't leave enough time to get here, my kids aren't perfect, that client is annoyed. So every day over and over again you're telling yourself you're not enough. And you just have to take out the knot and go, I'm enough. If I'm prepared to lie to myself every single day over and over again, why not have a better lie? I'm enough. It doesn't have to be true. People say, you know, My legs are the size of tree trunks. Well, clearly that can't be true. This is killing me. This is making me crazy. This is driving me and saying, None of these things are true. But if you're prepared to lie, at least have a better lie. I have great coping skills. This is a challenge, but I've got it. I can rest at the weekend. I've got this.

Right.

I've got great, I have great coping skills is a great lie, because if you say it enough, It actually becomes true. Really relax.

Yeah.

Something I say a lot, you're never given anything that you can't cope with. Or if I got a lot on, well, I'll rest at the weekend. I can deal with this. I've got this. This is fine. This is okay. So the first thing wrong with people is always, I'm not enough. And if you feel like that, remember, you weren't born with it. You're in great company. And just let it go because it's not true. The second thing wrong is this belief that I'm different so I can't connect. It's kind of a modern day illness. If you're in a tribe, you would connect because you'd know that you're all interrelated, you look the same. But this belief I'm different, so I can't connect, is... Is it that I.

Can'T connect or people don't understand me?

No, you connect by being the same. We're primitive people, we connect by being the same. So if you're different, it's very hard to connect because you feel different. and when you feel different, you can't connect. But then you have to remember the truth, if that's your greatest fear, it's most people's greatest fear. So if you look at E.T. he connected to Elliot, but he couldn't connect and he had to go home because he had to be with his people.

So why is it such a big fear for people?

Of connecting.

Yeah, I'm different, so I can't connect. Well, isn't different? Good in a lot of ways, like being unique and being different?

Unique? Well, the answer is yes and no. When you're a little kid, you go, I like SpongeBob SquarePants, I like Green Pasta, I like Dr. Seuss, and we connect by being, I got a friend, and they like what I like.

Gotcha.

So when we're little, we connect by being the same, and our DNA understands, or we are hardwired to find connection and avoid rejection, because that's how you make it as a child. You find connection connection, whether it's your little kitten clinging onto your leg, your dog wanting you not to leave the house, a baby holding on so tightly to mum, you understand the truth. If I'm connected, I will survive. And if I'm disconnected, I will die. Because imagine 100 years ago you couldn't produce milk for your baby or 500 years ago, we understood that connection is what made us live. and disconnection killed us. Why every culture practiced banishment or isolation or marooning or casting out. So connection makes us survive.

Especially as adults.

Yeah.

Okay. So we need to feel connected.

Yeah. And if you listen to all those songs, I'll die if you leave me. My world is empty without you. I can't live with. I can't breathe without you.

Okay.

And to this day, you know, schools under. understand that someone trolls you, someone ostracizes you, kids cut you out of the group, they don't speak to you. So our greatest fear is if I'm different, I can't connect. But if you go back to that, everyone's fear is being different. So if you have that fear, it actually means you're the same. And connection is a choice. You can connect to anyone all over the world, whatever their race, religion, creed is. The problem is that we don't see that. We still disconnect people. You know, we saw that a lot with the Boston bombers. They were so disconnected from society that that turned into hatred. And it's really important at schools to look at these disconnected kids and to bring them back. You know, if you look at the whole jail system in Finland, it's all about reconnect. We don't put them in isolation and then send them back out into the world crazy and full of anger. We reconnect. And so our greatest fear as humans is to be disconnected.

So how do we reconnect if we feel like our friend group has pushed us away, our family has sent us away? How do we feel connected?

Well, sometimes you've got to find a new group. I mean, you know, your family are just what, what I call your original family. You can have an, you know, first of all, you have your nuclear family, mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, called Grandma. But then when you get married, they become your extended family. And so you can always create a family. So don't go back to the old tribe that hurt you and expect them to get better. I think a lot of our problems is I expect my mum suddenly to become wonderful. She was always mean and hostile, but I expect her to be kind and lovely. She's got old now. Aren't old ladies sweet? No, sometimes they're still cranky. A bitter cranky person doesn't become sweet when they're 80. And often the belief is I gotta go back to my family and make them love me when there's a whole world out there to love you. And if people hurt you, not always intending to, and you keep going back to them expecting them to, but they can't always make it better. It's like, you know, if your family had that capacity to love you of a cup, But my capacity is Olympic swimming pool. I can't expect that to fill me up. I can fill them up. They can't fill up me. If I have a little, if my parents have a shot glass capacity to give me love and I've got the ocean capacity, how can a shot glass fill up the ocean? Stop going back to people that hurt you and find, there are people all over the world that will love you and fill you up. But we keep going back to the hurt is expecting them to make it better. They're often so hurt they can't. And they often do things like, well, you know, people like us, we don't have that. And look at those people, we're not like that. So it's, I feel different. You know, if your dad was the town drunk, if you didn't have a dad and everyone else did, if you had money and everyone else didn't, or vice versa, we buy in very early this, I'm different. I'm different. And you're not different, you're the same. so you have to stop looking for what makes you different because that's the confirmation bias. Whatever you look for, you're going to find it. I mean, I was a principal's daughter. I felt different the day I went to school. My whole child, because my dad was the Headmaster. And that was actually horrible. I realize now that was not a good thing. But I was always looking for what made me different. And then it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I kept looking. for it. Plus, you know, I could hypnotize people and that made me feel even more different. And I had this kind of ability to work out what was wrong with someone really quickly. And that's both good and bad. It's actually good. But whatever you look for, you will find whatever you are moving towards, you'll get more of. If you look for why your head is killing you or say, I'm a bit dehydrated. I'm going to drink some water. rub some lavender on my head, I'll be fine in 20 minutes. You've got to decide where you're going and if you look for what makes you different, you will find it over and over again. But if you say, well, why don't I look for what makes me the same? We're all the same somewhere, then you'll find that too. And it can be very hard if you're dealing with someone who's violent or aggressive or acting out. But if you can look for what makes you the same, and not different, it really changes your life. Because then you can't be disconnected. And you can go all over the world. You can hang out with tribes. My friend was in Rwanda with the gorillas and actually if you think you're like them, I did this thing of walking with wolves and the first thing you must do is you have to crouch down, you mustn't bare your teeth, you can't wear wool. And the wolf comes up and decides that you're a wolf and then you go for a walk and it keeps rounding you back up. If you walk away, takes you back into the wolf pack because it thinks you're one of them. And if you can make a wolf think you're one of them or a gorilla, then of course you can do it with people. But you have to start from, I'm like you, you're like me, I'm the same as you and I can connect with you somewhere, somehow. Stop looking for what makes you different and look for what makes you the same because it really is life-changing.

Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple podcast as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately. I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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