If Your Partner Deeply Loves You, They Will Do These 3 Things! w/ Stephan Speaks EP 1351

In order for it to be safe, it means you are not deeply invested. You may be invested it may be deep compared to certain people's perceptions of deep but it's not as deep as you know you can go.

Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. We were just talking about sex. We were talking about that women have been told that they have no hope after 30. And we were talking about, you know, and I was also gonna ask you about the biggest reasons why people fail in relationships. And I'm curious, before we get to the sex and the hope for women after 30 in relationships, why do you think, or what are the three biggest reasons why people fail in a relationship? Why they end up getting divorced, end up getting separated, breaking up? What are those three things that cause that?

All right, so number one, lack of healing. Lack of healing because lack of healing probably leads them to choosing the wrong person to begin with. Which is the foundation for disaster because at that point everything else I'm about to mention you can't really work it out with this person because you're just not in alignment with them. It's not a good fit. And so, a lot of people are trying to make things work with someone they just can't match up with properly, you know.

Is that trauma bonding or what is that? how is that playing a part?

Some of it is trauma bonding, some of it is individual. So, what's happening is this phenomenon if you want to call it, that people are choosing individuals that are quote unquote good enough to be with but they don't really make them feel deeply about them. Because if I'm a man or a woman and I've been hurt before and I've been hurt when I let my heart out completely, I fear being that vulnerable. So, now you don't really ever learn how to not feel deeply about someone if they're just that person. But people learn who I can deal with and not fall deeply for. So, okay, I can be with this person and maintain emotional control, they don't take me there. So, I don't ever feel like I'm too vulnerable in this situation.

Do you think a lot of women choose the safe guy as opposed to the right guy?

Absolutely, and the safe choice is almost always if not always the wrong choice.

Oh, man. Why is a safe choice always the wrong choice for a woman?

So, think about it in order for it to be safe it means you are not deeply invested. You may be invested it may be deep compared to certain people's perceptions of deep but it's not as deep as you know you can go. It's not as deep as to where you feel like you'll be devastated by it. So, you're starting from a deficit as far as I'm not fully into this, I'm not fully into this guy. but again, he may be good enough for me to work with and try to be with. But because you already have a built-in void, so what happens is this, she chooses this man, she's not really into him. Let's say she's not that attracted to him. And it's not that he's not a good looking guy, she's just not attracted to him like that. Well, because you don't have that attraction you're not going to pour into him at the same level that he needs you to. you won't be as intimate with him, you may not talk to him the way that he wants to be talked to, you're not going to give him the same energy that you would someone you're actually very much attracted to. Well, that void initially he may not catch on to that or let that bother him because if he is indeed a man who is of a lower position than her or lower quality than her, he may just be happy to have this woman. Oh, my gosh, I can't believe I have her. So, he's infatuated, he's going in, he's blinded by his desires for her. But at some point the smoke clears and then he realizes wait a minute, okay, I have her but I'm not being treated the way I want to be treated.

I'm getting walked all over.

Exactly, it's all over. Yes, I don't get the respect that I deserve here. And here's what's crazy, when that woman dates that man who she's not really into like that and let's just say she dates down. Well, She just raised his stock to every other woman that's watching this. That's true. They're looking and they're saying how did he get her?

What does he have? He must have something.

He must have something. Big pockets.

Big something else.

Big something else, yeah.

All right.

So, power, something. Now, these women want to find out.

Do you think women would really think that way when they see a guy who maybe is of, you know, hypothetical less quality or seeming less quality than the woman that they're with. That they start to be more attracted to that guy?

Yes, even if it's not of a lower quality if as a man you are seen with an attractive woman, a high quality woman, a desirable woman you become more desirable to other women. I've talked to friends where they've even gone to clubs they'll go there with a woman and they'll get more attention. And when that woman walks away some of these women will try to slide in and slip in a number here and there.

Why do women do this? It seems like women don't have ethics or do I have integrity as opposed to saying, hey, I appreciate and I'm happy for you too. Why is it that some women-- Yes. Some women want to get in there and try to, quote unquote, steal the man or influence the man to stray?

Well, so it starts with the fact that women have this perception that quality men are-- they're not in abundance. They're scarce. Yes, they're very scarce. so, when you come across one or you think you come across one a lot of them have the mentality of oh, no, I have to try to get my foot in the door and see if I can get this for myself. If they thought it was abundant out there then they'll be less pressed to do that.

But what happens if a guy, okay, leaves the person he's with for you is that woman then going to be confident that he wouldn't do it again?

It depends. I think there are some women who convince themselves like there's plenty of women who have taken a man from a woman who have accepted that man leaving one woman for her. And to her she's good as long as she's getting what she needs she's good. But I do think that in the back of their head once something starts to go wrong that's when those thoughts start to creep in.

I wonder if he's talking to someone else. Why isn't he giving me the attention anymore?

Exactly. And I think it's even more likely that someone who knows about the situation will remind her Well, you got him this way so you might lose him the same. And now the insecurities really start to kick in and it starts to become a huge problem.

You talked about attraction and sorry to get you off track here, but you talked about attraction. What do you think is more important sexual attraction or spiritual attraction for a woman?

I'm going to say spiritual attraction more than sexual attraction. But I'm saying that with hesitancy.

All right, you're pausing.

I'm not 100%. The only reason why I'm leaning towards spiritual is because I believe that women value intimacy, non-sexual intimacy way more than actual just raw sex, okay. So, if you had door number one hugs, kisses, caresses, you know being emotionally available. Door number two just straight sex. Women are choosing... Most women are choosing door number one. Most men are choosing door number two. And so, because of that value for the deeper levels of intimacy, I feel like spiritual attraction kind of fortifies that. Whereas sexual attraction may not get them those things. So, that's why I would pick spiritual attraction.

What would you say for any guy listening or watching if they wanted to attract the woman of their dreams or essentially any woman that they really desired, if they wanted to attract that, who would they need to become in order to set themselves up to attract an incredible, lifelong, loving partner who gave them a fulfilling, joyful life?

I would say they would have to become their most confident, masculine self. Whatever that looks like it's going to look different for every guy. But at the foundation of it there must be confidence in who he is and he must exude that masculine energy. Not saying there aren't men who can't get them a loving partner not being the most masculine dude, but you have a better chance at achieving it when you can walk in your masculine energy. That's the power of the man.

What if there's a man who's extremely masculine but lacks confidence. What type of partner does he attract typically?

Well, I think lacking confidence it undermines the masculine energy. It's hard to be that masculine presence if you are lacking in self-esteem, lacking in self-respect. The things you're going to allow a woman to get away with is going to start to lose, cause her to lose attraction for you. So, it's almost like if you become her yes, man. A lot of women don't want a yes, man. Most women don't want a yes, man. It might sound good to some initially, But over time she gets tired of the fact that you can't think for yourself, that you aren't giving your own perspective, that you aren't confident enough to stand in your own vision and your plan. So, that immediately takes you out of your masculine energy because now you're trying to become so accommodating to the point that you've lost yourself in that process. And that doesn't work well in the long term. I mean, think whenever you hear stories of nice guys being run over and getting played it usually involves this man who is just trying to do everything the woman wants and just putting all his desires aside to make her happy. That doesn't work not like that it doesn't.

That's kind of like the safe man, right?

Yes.

So, the safe man is not always the right man is what I think I heard you say, right?

Yeah, it's always.

But doesn't a woman want to feel safe in an environment with their man?

Yes, but the safety... So, the safety that's being achieved by picking the safe choice is I don't have to be too vulnerable in this relationship. So, I'm able to guard myself from devastating hurt and disappointment that I've probably experienced at least once before, at least at a level that I felt like I don't ever want to go there again. That's very different than the man who she is completely invested in completely in love with and he understands the need to provide safety and security for her. The need to make the situation or the relationship more stable for her where she can rest in her feminine energy so to speak while she's with him. That's two different types of safety.

So, it's like okay, if you choose a safe man but essentially it sounds like that's a space where you don't have to fully open up and be vulnerable. It's a space where you probably know you're in control, where you're probably have more value to offer or this person is desiring you way more than you desire them.

And that's the big one. It's a situation where she feels like he wants me or he loves me more than I do him. And that's where they feel like it is safe. But again, it doesn't work in the long run. Never. Yeah, I want to say never. I should never say never but I'm going to use that word right now.

Because if you are in a relationship like that And maybe you're not even conscious that you're doing it in the beginning, but you realize a year, two years in, okay, the person I've chosen really doesn't step into his confidence or his masculine energy. He'll do anything I wanted to do at all times. He stops his dreams for my dreams, whatever it is. What is typically the women you've worked with? What do they say about that? What do they feel about that? and what is their struggle? Is it they want to leave? Is it they just feel bad, they don't feel the connection anymore? What is it that they feel?

Well, so it's a tricky place because at that point it's hard for them to fully express what's going on. Like one of the things I tell women is that one of the worst positions to be in is with a man you're not truly in love. Well, with a good man you're not truly in love with.

Oh, why is that the worst position?

Because at that point If she's feeling empty, she's feeling bored, she's feeling unsatisfied, who can she run to and say this to that won't say but wait a minute, you have a great man, you can't do that oh, just work. Like, no one's going to say oh, yeah, you know what, I get it just walk away. I won't say no one but most people aren't going to allow that to be a good enough reason for her to walk away. So, she knows she's going to get push back from people but not just push back from people from her own self. It's like okay, wait a minute do I leave this great guy who loves me so much which is so safe here even though I'm not really that happy, I'm not fulfilled or maybe I'm not that attracted to him. That's a tough position to be in because it's like it would be so much easier if he cheated on her. It'd be so much easier if he was abusive or something. Then she could easily validate oh, okay, I got to go. And that's why some women in that situation what they do is try to create turmoil. Try to find... Yes, they're trying to find something to give them the exit to say okay, I don't have to be here anymore or to make that man want to leave them. And in fairness, this happens on both sides. But I've literally talked to clients who the only... They cheated hoping it would make their partner leave them.

Oh, my gosh.

Because what was happening was In this instance, she was trying to tell the guy over and over I don't want to be here. But again, he's this good guy I love you, I don't want to lose you.

So, do whatever you need, change, oh, yeah.

And out of guilt and sympathy she stays with him. But she's so not happy, so now she's thinking okay, he won't leave me even when I tell him I don't want to do this anymore. Even when I tell him this is not working. So, what can I do? And some will actually cheat on purpose let the man find out hoping he would finally let go. And in some cases, he still doesn't let go. He gets cheated on and he still wants to work it out with her and she feels trapped. And so, it just continues like it's just a never-ending cycle until either one of them finally gets tired of it or I don't know, it's just crazy.

There's drama and stress. Yeah. So, what I heard you say for a man to attract the, you know, a joyful, loving partner that they really desire and have someone that they really are inspired by for, you know, a long term. I'm hearing you say that that man needs to step into their self-esteem their confidence and their. Their masculinity.

Yeah.

They got to step into that leadership masculinity quality. Right.

Yeah.

That essence. If a woman really wants to attract the right healthy man, someone that is safe in terms of they can trust, but where they have to fully, they have to feel a little vulnerable to really dive in and they really care about this man in a big way. What does a woman need to do in order to attract that ideal partner for themselves?

It's the same answer for the women in reverse. It's walking in their true feminine confident self, whoever they really are but being that best version of themselves. And to what you were saying it can't be find a man who you can be feminine with it has to be be your feminine self first and you'll be able to attract the man that you can continue to be feminine with or that will honor, respect, and value your feminine energy and protect your feminine energy. that's what you want. But what's happening to so many women is they become detached from their femininity or they're viewing it in a negative way they're viewing it as weakness as when I'm feminine I get played, I get taken advantage of. And so, the mindset is if I find the right man I can be that. So, you'll hear a lot of women say well, I am feminine in a relationship. The problem is he can't see that far in to know that he wants to get in a relationship with you.

If you can spot it quickly, it's like a, it's a quick essence of seeing either a man or a woman if they're in that masculine or feminine energy, right? You can see it how they walk, how they talk, how they look at you, you know, how they carry themselves. You can feel it in a few seconds probably. So if you're guarded and you're not allowing yourself to flow in that energy, someone's gonna see that and they're gonna be, you know, not as attracted to you. You're gonna be repelling.

And what's gonna happen is, and I'm sure you can vouch to this, Once a person heals spotting hurt, dysfunction, trauma it's like it's easy now. It's like your eyes are now so wide open. You know, when we're not healed we make excuses.

Clouded. Yeah, we've been there many times in the past.

Exactly. So, I think that's what a lot of people don't realize is if you're still guarded the reality is you're guarded because you're holding on to hurt that you have not resolved. You're holding on to fear due to past experiences. Well, healthy men can see there's something wrong and it's like, oh, I'm not going to go down that path.

Yeah, I'm good with this. It's interesting because I've learned a lot in the past, I don't know, four years from different relationships, from breakups and healing. And I really took your lesson to heart after I think the first time we interviewed, I interviewed you where you were like, step one is heal, right? This is the healing journey. I didn't do that previous relationship. I stepped into another one without healing. And then I was just like, I can never do this again. Because I thought entering a new relationship with a different person would create different results. And that wasn't the case because I still hadn't healed.

Exactly.

So it wasn't until I spent, you know, six intensive months of therapy, coaching, and doing the internal work. where I was able to start healing wounds and it's a journey. It's not like you're healed after one day or something, but it's been a continuous journey. I was able to spot it and more importantly, I was able to be so courageously honest with who I am, what I want, the vision for my life and a vision for a relationship, my values, what are non-negotiables for me and I was so clear to let go of any potential relationship that didn't fit within a vision that I had. I was so happy to be a single for years and create peace within, then enter something where I had to compromise. Constantly compromise. Now, I'm all for alignment and agreements where there's maybe I don't get 100% of everything I want every moment, but we have a shared agreements and alignment on our values, our vision, and our lifestyle. Right? It's like, and speaking about it early in a dating experience, for me was the shift saying, Hey, listen, tell me what you think about this concept. I love your concept of healing first before entering a new relationship. And something I did in the current relationship is I was like, we're not gonna have sex until we're committed, until we actually get clear on all these other things that I wanna talk about. Challenge is I never had the courage to talk about these things early enough in a dating experience about values, vision, lifestyle, you know, all these things, my priorities in life. But this time I did. And I think it gave me a lot more peace being able to speak my mind without clouded sexual confusion. And I think a lot of people jump into sexual chemistry and acts of sexual interaction too soon before having the vulnerable conversations. Why do you think that is? And do you like that idea of waiting for a period of time until some type of a commitment, not saying until marriage, but at least having these kind of conversations first?

No, absolutely. I think if more people could wait, it would make things a lot better. Right. As you said, not only not only are we afraid to ask certain questions and discuss certain things but it's like we don't want to face the possible reality of this situation. So, we keep everything on the surface, we keep it at the sex, we keep it at hanging out here and having fun and yeah, we get along with each other's friends and blah, blah, blah. And that's great but we're not diving deeper. And it's because I think deep inside we may know that once we do this may not work anymore. And so, we don't want to have to face that, we don't want to have to let go so we keep kicking the can down the road. So, I definitely think by removing... The more we can remove any distractions that impair judgment the better. So, sex is something that can definitely impair judgment. I'll give you another example, I knew this one guy he went on a couple of dates and first date I think was a concert and the second date was some kind of other festivity. And I said listen, don't ever take a woman to a concert on the first date. Because here's the thing, one, there's a huge distraction, the concert going on. It's not really an opportunity for you two to dive into each other. Two, even if you guys don't really mesh well, if you have fun at the concert because you guys love that artist and you love that atmosphere, well, that's clouding your judgment to seeing but we don't really like hanging out with each other like that. See, hanging out with each other in fun environments that we already enjoy that doesn't qualify it. Is can we sit in a room with nothing going on, just talk and actually enjoy each other's presence? That tells us if we really like each other. So, I definitely think it's best to wait as long as possible. And as far as why people do it, I mean, one, people are just horny. That's true. We're gonna keep it real. That's one of the things. I think also again, for some so, okay, for some women and this is just some women the idea is if I sleep with him and I put it on him he'll like me. I'll get what I want out this guy. So, it's a weapon for her. For some guys some of it is just desire but some of it also is I want to make sure she actually is attracted to me because a lot of men have dated women, waited only to find out that she had sex with someone else during that process or only to find out she was never really that interested. He feels used. So, his way, some guy's way of trying to confirm that you actually have genuine interest is through intimacy. You see, so some will rush to that as a form of validation for themselves. And I think just also again, people sometimes get caught up in the moment And I hate when people say oh, well there was this great sexual chemistry. Chemistry cannot occur until you guys actually have sex. So, what you felt was attraction and horniness at the same time and it created this energy between you all and you want to move forward with that. And so, again, you just have to be careful. Now, I think it doesn't mean every person who's had sex too soon is doomed. There are people who've gotten married after having sex on the first date. You know, some people are able to pull back and still properly evaluate. but individuals have to be honest with themselves about how does this impact my ability to see if this is the right person for me and for me to show up as my authentic self in this relationship?

What do you think would be three things that every woman should either do or not do before they get into a committed relationship? Not even we're talking about marriage but just I'm going to now I'm going to be committed and we're going to commit to each other what are three things they should or should not do before that?

Okay.

Or three conversations or whatever it might be.

I think one conversation that everyone needs to have is what do you see your role as in a relationship and what do you see my role as? Let's discuss all the needs and desires. I really... I would argue 90% of people enter into a commitment not even knowing the full list of of what this person wants and expects or is hoping for out of this.

So, roles and responsibilities in a relationship is that in a dating relationship or in a marriage relationship?

It could be boyfriend whatever level we're trying to go to next. So, if right now we're trying to just be boyfriend and girlfriend let's define that. I think defining it for marriage as well that's the ultimate end goal would be smart because what's the point of doing this? Two years dating. Yeah, and then we find out we're.

On two different pages for marriage. But why do people not have this rolls conversation before they commit?

So, what's popping in my head right now is a lot of people are ashamed to state what they want. Gosh. They feel like they're not allowed. So, perfect example, there are some men out there and even some women who are sticklers when it comes to your physical appearance, all right. And they have certain expectations as far as how they want you to look. But society, family, friends tells them oh, that's shallow. Oh, if you love them that shouldn't matter. So, then people become hesitant to say this is what I'm expecting, this is what I want. Also, because at that point you already like this person. Again, there's this fear of if I say what I really want, I may lose what I'm hoping to hold on to right now, all right. So, let me just find a way to dance around this and hope we can discuss it later. I also think some people just don't truly know and understand themselves enough to articulate what it is that they need and desire in this relationship. So, too many people haven't spent time just really asking themselves okay, what is important to me? What's going to make me happy? And what is it that if it's not involved in this relationship is not going to allow me to show up 100%. So, basically if and I'm just using this as a random example. If you're a man and you value a woman who's cooking for you and you say, all right, if she's not cooking that's going to make you miserable to the point that you will no longer be showing up 100% for this relationship then you should not sacrifice a woman who can cook. Plain and simple, whatever it is if it's for a woman you know, communication or going out often, certain lifestyles, all these things need to be discussed. And I just think that people just they hope for the best rather than face the reality of what may be going on right now.

And I think you know, I speak for myself too but I think I know a lot of people lean too much on the sexual chemistry, right. Whether it be the desire or the feeling they have between each other or the actual act of sex that feels so good with the dopamine. You're just like, this feels so good to be with this person that they don't want to rock the boat and ask those questions or communicate.

And here's what's crazy about that. For women, I can't tell you how many women have had sex with men. The sex wasn't that great. It was nothing special. But she likes him so much that she pushes past that.

Really?

Yes, absolutely.

How important is great sex for a relationship to last?

In my opinion, it's extremely important. So, consider what you just mentioned with the oxytocin. The oxytocin is released through orgasm, all right. So, if you're not having sex that takes you to orgasm you're not getting at least from my knowledge, maybe I'm wrong but you're not getting the full dose of oxytocin there. I also believe like I view oxytocin as like a God mechanism meaning it was put there to help two people stay bonded together. Yes, so if we are married or whatever and we're having great sex consistently we're going to be much more bonded to each other. If we're not having great sex we don't have that bond anymore. You see I'm saying? Now, it's so much easier for things to get in between. So, I think that it's extremely important but I will say that greater subjective And you know, what level of quality that man or that woman needs is going to vary but they have to have their needs satisfied or else you're asking for trouble.

So, this conversation about needs needs to happen before you get committed, right? Needs response roles and how are you going to play how I'm going to play a role in this, how you're going to play a role in this. what would that conversation look like? You know, people have been together, dating for a couple of months, they're thinking about getting connected. Should they say, hey, here are the three things I want to talk about. You know, Stefan speaks, said we gotta have these three conversations. One's about needs, one's about roles. What was the third thing?

What do we say? I don't think you've got to the third one yet.

Yeah, we didn't get to the third one yet. What would be the third one, the.

Third conversation to have or the third conversation to have? Oh, man. I just think it's about how we need to communicate when there is an issue. I think we lack having a structure of communication to where if there's an issue that needs to be resolved we understand how we go about this. You know, when you're trying to fix things on the fly or handle things on the fly, you're now at the mercy of your emotions. and where that may take you in that moment. So, by having something that we agreed upon okay, we take maybe 10 minutes off in our own corners then we come back and we discuss this or we write a letter or you know, some people have the rule we don't go to sleep mad at each other. Having those structures in place because the communication without healthy communication the relationship is not going to last it's not going to be successful. So, it's important to have something laid out so we know how to go about this. You know, I'm a huge fan in writing letters even when it comes to discussing deep issues. So, maybe implementing that in the process. But once we can agree to a structure and agree to we will always make time to sit down and talk about these things as well as adding constructive criticism. So, I think I mentioned this to you before like I believe in relationship checkups. So, that's another part of the structure where maybe we agree every three months or six months, whatever it is maybe once a month. where we have a time where we sit down and we go over all right, what's good here? What needs to be improved? What aren't you happy with? Let's consistently constructively criticize so we are aware because what happens in so many relationships is that let's say you're not happy about something but you guys never make time to talk about it. So, now it lingers and in that lingering now you're catching an attitude. Now, they're mad at you but they don't understand that at the root of it is this issue that was never expressed. So, now they feel like you're being stupid or you're acting crazy or whatever. Now, that turns into a lack of intimacy because if she's feeling some type of way emotionally she's not going to be sexually receptive to her man. Now, that turns into more resentment. It just dominoes and it just gets worse and worse. So, we have to establish communication structure as early as possible.

I love that you know something that Martha and myself started to do before we got into a commitment I said listen, the only way, you know, this works for me, one of my needs is that we enter the relationship in some type of therapeutic coaching experience. It doesn't have to be a therapist. It doesn't, you know, whatever we want to do, we need a third party that we can sit with once every couple of months and talk about agreements and just making sure we're staying on track with what we want in the relationship. That's something that I always wanted but never created.

Mm-.

And I said, listen, this is the only way this will work for me, is creating that, making sure that need is met. She was like, I'm down. And what that did for us was it allowed us early on to create an agreement about how to communicate when things were uncomfortable, right? And one of the agreements was like, listen, I'm never gonna yell or raise my voice, but I can't have someone else in my space doing the same thing. Like if you scream and you yell because you can't manage your emotions, that doesn't work for me. And if you want to yell at another person, then cool, but that's not.

Going to be me.

Yeah. And so we created that agreement, right? And there hasn't been, there's been uncomfortable conversations, but we have agreements on how to communicate with each other so it doesn't escalate.

Exactly.

And it's been a beautiful practice because we both have an agreement and there's a third party that witnessed the agreement, you know, as opposed to, no, I never said this. People do it all the time. Yeah. You create something you talk about when you're all loving and kind, but then a year later, like, I never I've never said I'd do these things, right? So I think for me, it's been really helpful to just over communicate in some ways and be like, these are what I need, this is what I want, and are you in alignment with this?

Yes.

That's been really powerful. So this masculine and feminine energy is something that you say has been, people have been confused about lately.

Yeah, right.

Why are people confused about understanding and stepping into their masculine or feminine energy.

So, it's... I'm trying to find the right way to say this but I'm just going to say it. Society has been pushing for equality so hard that they're now causing a lack of balance between men and women. And don't get me wrong, I mean I'm all for equality in certain areas, right? But I think we have to recognize we are two different types of people, we are wired differently. If we would come into understanding of our differences we can create more harmony. We don't need to be like each other. So, here's one perfect example of how I feel like it's throwing things off a lot going back to the sex. So, you'll have this push where people are saying well, women are just like men when it comes to sex. I even one time many years ago, I won't say the name of the company but I was brought to a dating app company and it was me and a few other people and they had this presentation. And they had this scientist that said there was a study that shows women want sex as much as men. And I disputed it. I was like no. I said, I think what that study is not taking into account is that you guys are combining intimacy with sex. Women want intimacy and unfortunately for most women they feel like they can't get the intimacy unless they go through sex to get it. All right, so just getting a guy to just cuddle with you and touch without it trying to escalate to sex that's hard for a lot of women. They don't experience that. You talk to a lot of married women they'll say the only time my husband wants to touch me is when he wants to have sex. So, going back to this pushing that men and women are the same so, look at it like this. If you're telling men that women are just like us that man now feels like there's no need for foreplay There's no need for connection outside the bedroom, there's no need to make sure she's there emotionally or mentally because we don't need that, all right. When we're ready to go we're ready to go. It could be World War III outside we're still ready to go. But that woman if she is consumed mentally that's going to hinder her ability to show up sexually. If she's stressed out. If she's stressed out, if there's too much going on, if she doesn't feel comfortable and safe in that relationship Again, the connection outside the bedroom affects the connection inside the bedroom. She needs a little bit more as far as foreplay. And again, is this every last woman? No, but typically this is the case. So, by fighting for equality you're limiting people's ability to have sexual harmony, all right. But if we accept it okay, these are the differences. This is what I have to do as a man to create a more sexually receptive environment Well, things everybody wins.

What does a man need to do to create a more sexually receptive environment?

So, I think the first thing is the connection outside the bedroom. Again, so here's as we said earlier, women want to feel safe. They want to feel secure.

If you can- But if they go after the safe guy.

Yeah, they're different. They go after the safe guy that's just a guy who they don't have to be too vulnerable with. But we're talking about creating safety where she can give you all of her love, all of her heart, but she can rest a little easy that you it's in good hands, all right. That you have good intentions, that you're not judging her. That's one of the big things you want to let a woman feel more sexually receptive you can't make her feel judged. You know I'm saying the minute she feels like you're judging her you're going to look at her some kind of way you make it harder for her to open up to you in that area.

What about when a woman judges or makes him wrong or he's not enough.

I think... Well, I say this, I think it will hurt him and his ability to show up emotionally for her. It doesn't have the same negative impact on him sexually, can it? Yes, but not as common as it will for a woman, all right. Most men even though they're feeling some kind of way they're going to still show up to the bedroom no problem. But opening up emotionally becomes harder. So, that's why a lot of men struggle speaking to their woman and letting her in into his life even deeper because of the fear of she won't respect me if I tell her how I'm really feeling. She'll look at me different. So, that's... And again, it highlights the differences of how these actions impact us and the environments they create in our relationship. So, I think that we've got to get back to understanding the difference between men and women, the balance of the masculine and feminine and why that is so important to the success of a relationship.

How do people start to buy into that again and believe in that and start to shift the way? Because it's like telling people to completely shift who they are, how they've been acting in order to buy into that, believe it, and not get hurt by stepping into that.

Yes. I think step one is asking yourself, what kind of life do you want to live? Because a lot of people's struggle with getting in tune with their energy is due to letting outside noise tell them how they should live. What should be acceptable. So, for example, if you're a woman and you want to walk in your feminine and let's just say not even just walking in your feminine. Let's just say you're a woman and your heart is in having a family, being at home, doing these things. But society is telling you can't do that, that's weak. You can't rely on a man, all these things. Well, it pushes her away from where her heart really wants to be. and now she's at conflict with herself. And how can you create that life that you desire if you're at conflict with yourself? It's the same thing for a man, if you as a man want a woman who can be feminine to you and have a certain lifestyle in the household but you're letting society tell you no, 50/50 and all these things. Well, you can't do that. Like, at that point you're compromising what you really want, who you really are and that takes you away from achieving what you're trying to achieve. So, each individual has to sit and ask themselves okay, what kind of life do I really want to live? And what kind of life would I want to live if there was no fear of getting hurt?

Or fear of judgment?

Exactly, because now if... Because I'll tell you this if most women like the topic of being submissive is a hot topic for a lot of women. A lot of women don't like that word. But I always argue that if you sat down with a bunch of women and say listen, if an angel can come from the sky and say I will give you the most amazing man he will tap into all your needs he will make sure you are protected never cheat on you. All you need to do is be submissive to him. 90% of women will sign up right away.

And what does submissive mean?

Submissive meaning in allowing him to lead in the relationship. Well, let me say this because I think when people hear submission they do think of dictatorship. They think of doing as he says the thinking of this here's where our struggle is. Yes, submission in my eyes when it comes to relationship is one, allowing that man to love you. What I mean by that is this, when a man is truly in love with a woman he wants to do for her, he wants to provide for her, he wants to make sure she's good. If you don't submit to that you're going to be in this energy that's I got it, I can take care of it. It's not letting him love you, and not letting him love you, you're carrying this unnecessary burden that's wearing you down. So, even when I speak to men being leaders in the relationship it isn't to say that women are incapable of doing things. It isn't to say that she, you know, she's bad at whatever. It means listen, you letting him take that burden off your back makes everybody win. Because now you can thrive in your element he can thrive in his. We feel good about taking on that challenge and providing and doing for our woman. I've never heard a man complain about having to lead in the relationship as long as he feels loved and respected. Yes, if he feels appreciated. If he doesn't feel loved or appreciated.

Or respected then it's exhausted. Yes, exactly. That's the opposite.

If she's complaining that you're not doing.

Enough and you feel like man, I'm carrying this whole relationship I'm doing all the work I'm paying for everything I'm doing all the chore and you're still don't respect me.

Exactly.

Then it's exhausting.

Exactly. On the flip side though, there are tons of women who at a certain point they don't want to have to be the leader of the relationship.

Why do so many women take it on? Why do so many women take it on where they are the... They tend to make more money and maybe the guy isn't working as consistently or they have a part-time job or they're a little lazier let's say. And why do certain women get into a relationship like that where the man isn't providing necessarily for himself or for the relationship and then stay with men like that?

It's like we talked about earlier it's leverage, it's control, it's power. You know, it's he has to value me. It's also listen, if she's having a hard time dating men of a higher stature well, it just becomes easier to date that guy Not to mention in her defense, that woman if she's walking more in a masculine energy, she's going to attract men who don't have much going on for themselves.

Why is that?

Because again, we attract that balance. It's a natural thing. You're not going to see a feminine woman being drawn to a very feminine man. It doesn't happen like that. And that's the same way you won't see a very masculine man be drawn to a masculine woman. He may want to have sex with her, he may want to enjoy some things with her.

He's not going to want to live life with her.

Exactly, it's interesting. Because those energies conflict we need balance. So, what happens is that woman that's giving off more masculine she attracts that man who he needs her, he needs her to stabilize his life, he needs her for the resources, he will tolerate that energy because he does not possess it within himself.

Or he doesn't want to go out there and work hard or...

Exactly, so it's easier for him. And so, yes, she's getting more of those guys coming her way than the established man. And again, in her defense after a while you know, you start to say well, maybe I should give one of these guys a chance. Maybe I should try this out. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

They're good guys, yeah.

Yeah, and you know what, sometimes they're not even good guys. They're just guys who are willing at that time to put in more effort. So, here's the thing like, I was speaking to Jay Shetty and he was saying when he first got with his wife he didn't have a job. So, he was able to spend every day with her, all right. And she kind of got accustomed to this. And I bring his example to say a lot of times that guy who doesn't have anything going on for himself right now is more available to chase, to pour into, to do whatever it is that he wants to do.

Spend quality time with her, yes.

So, that also allows the woman to fall into the trap of being with this guy even though he's not really a great guy for her. Because he's not doing things to provide for her and make sure she's good.

But he's keeping her attention.

Yes, he is feeding her the attention that she desires and in return taking her resources. You know, in a lot of cases. Of course, in a lot of cases.

So, with this 50/50 thing why do you think this is such a big topic, let's say in the last probably 10-15 years where it seems like it's 50-50 in the relationship, 50-50 spending, 50-50 taking care of all responsibilities, 50-50 taking care of the kids. When the woman needs to get up and nurse, the husband needs to get up and be emotional support during that time, share the time taking the kids to school, changing diapers, whatever it is that society is saying. Why is this 50-50 thing been so prominent and why does it not work for both men and women?

All right, so as far as why it has risen to prominence is again, I think it's this fight for equality. We were fighting so hard and we're losing sight of the bigger picture of balance. Balance is what we need for success, not equality in the relationship. And I would argue that equality in a relationship does not actually exist. Because if you were to examine 50/50 relationships what you will find is over time it's going to shift to one person doing more than the other. And I would argue 90% of the time it's the woman doing more than the guy. Because think about this, the mindset of the man who wants to do 50/50 is very different than the man who's so in love with this woman that he wants to provide for her. his willingness to even accept 50/50 he's going to be reluctant to do that. It's kind of like going on a date with a guy and one guy is down to pay Dutch the other guy is like, don't take your card out, I got this. They already have a very different mindset. So, that guy who's open to 50/50 from the jump, the chance that he's going to change later on and want to take on more is not likely. He's going to get comfortable in that 50/50 or do even less. Also, consider this, Even when we say 50-50 on the bills 50-50 on the bills in my opinion would be 20% of your income, 20% of their income. That's not what a lot of people do. The mortgage is let's say 1,500 and we split it 75750, but the guy let's just say makes $80,000 the woman makes $40,000 that's not equal. You see what I'm saying? She's making a much bigger sacrifice than he is. So, that alone eliminates this idea that is 50-50.

What about the whole raising the kids thing of like you got to, you know.

Exactly, raising the kids. Now, of course, are there scenarios where sometimes it's the man who ends up doing more? Absolutely. But in most cases the woman naturally gravitates to being the one who handles the kids more. That's what you're going to find. So, again, you're going to start to see it be get skewed in certain areas to where you're not maintaining this 50/50. But then, if we go deeper into why this doesn't work. So, one, it doesn't work because it doesn't it's not really sustainable in the vast majority of cases. I'm not saying no one's ever pulled it off, but in majority of cases it doesn't work. Number two, you know, there was a study that shows I believe it was a study that said egalitarian relationships are like the most sexless marriages or the most sexless relationships.

Egalitarian meaning like- Equal.

50-50 equal, you know what I'm saying? Sexless. Yes.

Why is that?

Because basically you're neutralizing the masculine feminine polarity. Polarity of it. Exactly, it's now just neutral. Yeah, it's flat. There's no excitement there, there's nothing there. It kind of reminds me of this guy I don't want to put him on, but I don't know his name so I guess I could say it. There was this guy on Twitter, I think it was like late last year. And he posts that how his wife just came home from like a 16-hour shift or something crazy like that and here she is shoveling the snow in the driveway and how he's so proud of her let me get her coffee ready. And the commenters ate him up like they went in. But you know, in his mind it's we're equal we're 50-50 look at her doing all these things. But in reality, if a woman had to come home to a man that puts her in that position all the time doesn't step up she's going to start to lose attraction. And you're again, overburdening the woman. What a man has to understand and it's actually mentioned in the book the Way of the Superior Man where he says don't make your woman your everything. I think what men underestimate is that women are in their head a lot. They're constantly thinking, constantly processing. So, if too much is on her plate she becomes mentally exhausted, mentally worn down. Yes, So, when the woman says I'm too tired for sex the man thinks well, you weren't doing nothing all day. Her mind was a million different places all day. By the time she got to this moment she does not have the energy. When the mind goes the body goes with it. So, when you put too much in front of her you are taking away her ability to thrive in certain areas. So, as the book mentioned you want to identify as a man what do I need most from her? What's going to be most important for me? Let's now hone in on those things and find someone else to take care of the rest.

What are the things that men need most from women in general?

What are some of the things?

What are the things that you think men need most from women in general?

I think in a relationship. Yes, support, support and Let me add to support by saying a belief in that man. You know, I think we need a woman that believes in us, that kind of reveres us so to speak, has that respect for us and views us in a great light. Because again, as men we're going to have moments where we may question ourselves, we may feel down. And if that woman that we're with can't pour into us in that way, in that moment with a genuine energy of I believe in you, I support you, I love you, that's going to be tough to deal with, all right. I think also sexual satisfaction for most men is extremely important. I think women underestimate how serious of a need sexual satisfaction is.

For a man.

Yes, and again, it goes back to not understanding we are wired very differently by biology. Looking at it from a biological standpoint we have more testosterone than they do.

More sex drive.

Exactly, we naturally have more libido. Part of the reason why is because and I hope I'm saying this correctly. The DNA's main primary objective is reproduction.

Yes.

It has to keep us ready all the time. And so, because of that that's why I'm sure you're familiar with semen retention. Tell me. Okay, so semen retention is basically the practice of going without any sexual release over a period of time. And people have reported where over time they've developed like men, they've developed deeper voices, more muscle mass, more confidence, more focus, all these things.

By holding on to that.

Yes, by holding on to that release force so to speak and not releasing it in any way, shape, or form. What is happening based on my research what is happening is the body saying oh, you're not reproducing.

We don't need to keep it.

You're not mating with anybody. I need to make you more desirable.

Really?

Yes, because I need you to go do something. So, that's why I'm going to raise your testosterone, I'm going to deepen your voice, I'm going to let that masculine energy pop out. You're going to get more confident, you're going to be more comfortable around women. This is what happens so, that's why men who kind of bury themselves in constant sexual release through their own means, they don't understand they're robbing themselves. Now, some people don't believe in it, I'm a huge believer in it, I believe it's absolutely real. and it's extremely beneficial. But back to the point of men and women being so different again, we... And it doesn't mean that there aren't women who need sexual satisfaction as well. And there are women who may be just as sexual as a man. But in general, on average, a man needs it way more. Biologically speaking, he needs it way more. So, to neglect him of that it causes a lot of freaking problems.

What happens if a man doesn't have the sexual release and experience and expression in an intimate committed relationship long term?

Well, I think another thing that it can do to you is raise aggression. Because again, with the increase of testosterone aggression also increases. So, there was a woman on TikTok who mentioned that we need more monogamy because as monogamy decreases and less men have a partner that they can mate with and be, you know, be sexually engaged with, you'll start to see a rise in rape, you start to see a rise in sexual abuse, you start to see a rise in crime. There's all these negative things that start to happen because you have a group of men who aren't getting any action, who start to get frustrated and it starts to pour over into negative ways. Now, granted, I don't think we can solve every man getting it or not, but it just speaks to what's happening within a man when he goes without for so long unless he learns... I will say this because it is possible to also I believe to channel that energy into other ways.

Yes.

So, as I mentioned in... Warrior Superior.

Man he talks about this.

Yes, and Think and Grow Rich talks about it sexual transmutation. Yes, so I do believe we know about it.

So, I do believe the fight of all men has to deal with like managing this energy.

Exactly, exactly. And so, now what happens is if you are not an ambitious man or you're not a man that has created avenues for you to release that energy into something more productive well, it's getting trapped and now that causes a problem. You see what I'm saying?

Yes.

So, you've got to find a way to release it somehow. But I think over time like we can only sexually transmute so much.

You're going to release at some point.

Really hard. But again, there's some men who have conquered it better than others. So I'm not going to act like men can't do it. It's just not that easy.

What do you think is the best way for a driven, confident, alpha, masculine man, healthy, conscious, masculine man to eliminate distractions or temptations when they're in a committed, intimate long-term relationship? from wanting to think about other women or scroll on Instagram and dream about what that could be like and be tempted to say, I need more partners.

Okay.

You know, what is the best way for men who might feel like, gosh, it's hard for me to hone this in and stay fully present with my woman and think about, can I be with this person for 50 years and only be with one person, what is the best solution for those men who might be, maybe women are so attracted to them because they are a desirable man. They have a great partner, great life, great relationship that women are just trying to come in and steal them. How does a man stay fully present in their relationship, fully integras, fully committed for the long-term vision while being present now?

You have to cut off everything that feeds the struggle. So, if you know looking at Instagram puts you in that place you can't be on Instagram. Now, I know that's easier said than done depending on a person's profession and all these different things. But literally, you have to cut off all influences that push you on that path because it could be Instagram, it could be the music you're listening to, it could be the TV that you're watching depending on what you're watching. And I know it It's tough because you get to a point where it's like, well, I got to cut off everything almost. But yeah, yeah, the more you can remove these outside influences the easier it is for you to be present with your partner. I remember one time there was a guy, his wife had got pregnant. I don't know if they were married at that time. Either way, his partner was pregnant, she put on some weight, he found himself left as attracted to her. They weren't having sex as much. he went to get some help they suggested stop looking at porn, stop looking at Instagram. He stopped for three weeks he looked at pretty much no other woman unless he passed a woman in the street. He said after three weeks he found himself more attracted to his partner. Wow. Even without the weight loss. Now, it doesn't mean he still didn't want her to lose weight because sustaining that it was still going to have to make some adjustments but it did help.

Interesting.

Because he didn't have these other influences constantly being put in his face that makes him question okay, what's going on here? Like, I don't like this or you know, dang I could have this too.

Or you know what that would be like.

Exactly, so it's just we've got to know our weaknesses and where we fall short and just cut it off at the root as best as possible.

I think it goes back to also communicating your needs, you know, your agreements, your roles, responsibilities in the relationship and making sure your needs are met as a man.

Yes.

If your needs are not met and.

It opens the door.

You're like, okay, if I can't get it here, then I wonder what that would be like or this would be like. That's why I think it's really important to have these real honest conversations before you get committed about what your needs are. Maybe there's a man that's like, I only need to have sex a couple times a month and I'm happy. For me, that doesn't work. Maybe in 20 years it changes, I don't know. But it's like, you got to be realistic and say, you know, I've had conversations with Martha where I'm just like, this is what I'm going to need. This is what I'm going to need. And are you able to provide this? If not, I don't want to push you on something that you don't want to do, you know? And same for you. What are your needs? And can I provide those for you?

Absolutely.

And if I can't provide for your needs, you shouldn't be with me. We shouldn't be together if it doesn't naturally align.

Yes. Right.

We should be naturally aligning not you have to change three things about you in order to please me and I have to change everything to please you. I don't think that's the right match.

No, it's not.

There might be sexual attraction. There might you maybe have fun. You could be friends, whatever, but I'm talking healthy long-term commitment. Yeah. With the least amount of pain. You know what I mean? It's like a there's going to be challenge. There's going to be adversity and pain that causes by living life. But if you can minimize stress and anxiety within the relationship, I think that's the best approach.

Absolutely.

And talking about needs is key upfront. So, I'm hearing you say men need to eliminate any temptation or distractions that might get them thinking about another option.

Yes. And I do agree with you 100%. The next thing would be making sure we lay out those needs and desires and make sure they're being met on both sides. Because I'm a firm believer you can't expect this person to meet all your requirements if you're not going to do the same for them. But I do think that there's a lot of men who they don't take it as far as they need to as far as expressing what is it exactly you want from this relationship? Even the weird crazy sexual like nuances.

Like you got to go there. Yes. Even if it's uncomfortable you feel like man, this is they're going to judge me or they're going to think this is weird. But if you don't get that you're going to resent it in a year, two years, six months.

Exactly.

And then be thinking about where can I get this met?

And that's the key. If you can honestly say if I don't get this I'm good like I would like this but it's not a big deal to me I can go without it cool. But if you know going without this is going to disturb you and be a huge struggle for you yeah, you're asking for problems.

Why do you think it's so hard for men to only be with one women or one woman? Or why do you think that's the struggle for men when they think about it? Like, can I only be with one woman for the rest of my life? And they're like, well, if I could just have like a threesome once a year, like it would all be, you know, hear these conversations. But why is it challenging? And from the men that you've met who are extremely sexually satisfied with their one intimate partner for decades, what is it they're doing differently or how have they shifted that thinking that they need more women.

So, here's my current theories and beliefs that I'm not going to lie to you I still struggle with in some points not because I don't believe what I'm about to say but because if true, it's a hard pill to swallow. So, I'm of belief that the majority of men can actually be happy with one woman, no problem. I view it in the same way I view business. All right, there's the bosses and the workers and neither label is a negative to either side, okay. It's just a reality that there are men who they don't need a bunch, they don't need a lot in their life. If they're making a certain salary, they have a roof over their head, food on their table, needs are being met they're good. They don't have this extra gear of ambition that says go out and do more. That kind of guy can have his one woman Again, key is needs are.

Being met in the relationship.

Yes, in the relationship I think he's fine. He can do that for the rest of his life no problem.

Live a happy fulfilled life. Yes.

And understand because that man doesn't even have the desire in him or the energy to go out there trying to mingle with other women and all that kind of stuff. A lot of effort. Yes, it takes a certain kind of mindset and energy to be able to do that A lot of guys aren't like that. They just want to be happy and have their needs met and that's it. But then there's the smaller percentage of men which we could argue are the more desirable men of society who tend to be more ambitious men. Like, I remember reading somewhere if I'm correct, people like Einstein, Steve Jobs, all these geniuses high sexual energy. There seems to be this connection, this correlation between these ambitious men, these very unique individuals that do big things in life and them having this very high sexual energy. And again, they probably had to learn to transmute some of that to accomplish what they accomplish. Where these types of men there's a greater struggle now to just be limited to that one woman. Because it's the same thing that they struggle with being limited to one invention or one business You know what I'm saying they just have this mind and this desire for more. I got to keep going, I got to keep going. And so, I think that guy is the guy that... I don't know if it's maybe his testosterone is higher than normal. I don't know, I don't know what is it in the man that causes that. But I do believe that every highly ambitious successful man I know the vast majority... Let me not say every but the vast majority of them have that struggle or don't even believe in monogamy. Period. All right?

Okay, finish what you're saying.

Yeah, so and I will say some of the ones who have like, I feel for me personally the thing that helps me is my relationship with God. If I take that away, I'm not going to lie to you, I don't know.

You're a dog. Without God, you're a dog.

And let me just be clear, not dog as in, I would never be a liar, I'd never be playing women, taking advantage of them, none of that. But would I be all over the place?

Eventually.

Yeah.

Devon Franklin talks about this in one of his books about there's a dog in every man, right? Again, not like a mean dog, but like a dog that has like a desire to go get another bone out there.

Yeah.

It's like just like, and it's learning how to fight the dog within you that has that desire. Right? What happens? Have you ever met a man who's been in a marriage, let's say, or a long term relationship with one person as a constant but has other sexual encounters with other women and the relationship works long term with that one person still? Open relationship or hall passes that are aware of this, the partner is aware of this. where you still have this really happy intimate connected partnership between the man and the main partner. Have you met anyone like this?

No, honestly.

What typically happens when a man is with someone but also is with other people?

Yeah, so I think one we have to make sure we define what work means. So, to some people it's working because they're still together.

I mean happy, healthy, fulfilled. Exactly.

That's the key. So, for that to be the standard of what we call it's working, no.

You haven't seen that.

I haven't seen it. I'm not, you know, I can never say it doesn't exist 100%. But what I think is, what I believe strongly is that the woman accepting that is already kind of killing off a piece of herself. That piece that wants to be number one in his life, that wants to be fully loved, to feel like he doesn't need anyone else but me. And I argue that kind of going back to masculine and feminine to show you another difference between men, women need love at a level or in a way that men don't. Meaning that if you went to a woman and you said or if you went to a man and you said I will give you this woman, she will give you everything that you need, fulfill all your desires, but she cannot say she's in love with you. will you take it? There's a majority of men who will take it because hey, I'm getting my needs met.

Yeah, I'm good.

Who cares, right? If you go to a woman with the same deal he will fulfill all your needs he'll be everything that you want but he cannot say he is in love with you. There's a lot of women who can't take that deal.

Really?

Yes.

Why is that?

Because again, they need that aspect of love, that energy that it takes things to a different level that speaks to who they are. I believe that speaks to the feminine in the woman. The feminine woman craves that love. We are more in... You can call it the more logical mind or whatever you want to call it, but we just want as long as we get what we need... It's easier for us. Yes, we feel respected and we're being satisfied. A lot of guys are like I'm not passing that up.

What would you say are the three most important things that every man needs from their partner? Is it respect?

What else? Support? respect and I still got to use sexual satisfaction.

Support, sexual satisfaction and respect are the three things that most men need in a relationship. For them to feel happy and fulfilled.

Yeah, because if you take away any of those three it's a problem. If he doesn't feel respected it's going to cause huge problems. He doesn't feel supported a lot of people don't realize a lot of infidelity does not start from that man having a sexual desire for another woman. It can start from a lack of support in the household. And then you have other women coming around who are you know, feeding his head with you, I think you're amazing if you were my man I would do this and blah, blah, blah, blah. I believe in you and he doesn't get that at home and that opens the door to it becoming sexual. Which is why you'll see a lot of situations where the man cheats on his partner with a woman who doesn't even look as good as his partner.

But it's fulfilling some sexual need.

Not even a sexual need, it fulfilled first the emotional need. And then yes, and it could be just sexual depending on what the initial issue was. But yes, it can either be sexual or emotional but I think people always.

Think it's a sexual thing with men. An emotional need meaning like I'm not getting the respect I want so that's an emotional feeling. Yes. Or not feeling supported at home so that's an emotional feeling. Yes. Yes. So, the three things that every man you believe needs most men need is respect, Support and sexual... Satisfaction. What would be the three things that every woman needs from their man to feel fulfilled?

I want to say love and I guess when I say the word love I mean it from the standpoint of non-sexual intimacy. Being able to pour into her emotionally, mentally, being able to hold her, caress her, everything other than sex. And again, it's not to say that women don't enjoy sex or don't desire or need sex. But if you just gave them sex and you didn't give them those other things it's going to be a problem.

Yes, love.

So, I think love, I think security again, it goes back to that needing to feel safe, needing to feel comfortable around you, needing to not feel judged around you. I think that's extremely important. Again, you take away a woman's security I want to give one quick example. I had one client where she was with a guy and while they were in a relationship she never had an orgasm with him, okay. They get married and it's orgasm city. Really?

Yes.

It just starts flowing out, okay? Yes.

Now, she feels fully safe.

Yes, but then here's what happened. Years in, he was in the military, he cheats on her, the orgasm stop. And I always use that to say listen, nothing changed sexually as far as physically what was happening. But mentally and emotionally she no longer felt safe and secure in this relationship. And that was enough to turn the switch on and off when it came to her sexual satisfaction and her being sexually receptive to him. So, definitely security is the other thing. [Aa: I think I'm trying to find the right word, right way to phrase this but I feel like the word that I want to use is stimulation. I feel that women need to be stimulated by their man. Now, that could be mental stimulation, that could just be spontaneous fun in the relationship, just not being boring. Like, women can get very bored easily in a relationship. You have to find a way to keep her stimulated again. And I don't want men to hear that and think I'm constantly doing no, but there has to be enough in your bag that you can pull out when necessary or that certain things you possess naturally that keep her in that place. Because once she gets too bored that opens the doors to problems as well.

Is it harder for a man to provide these keys for a woman to feel satisfied or is it harder for a woman to show up and give what the man needs to be satisfied.

So my honest answer, my initial, what I want to say is it's harder for the man.

Because men, it's hard, in general, it's hard for a driven masculine man to really take a moment to be non-sexual and intimate and an affectionate, listening, compassionate, generous way and to think about how can I be spontaneous and fun and interesting when I'm just focused and driven to go provide and bring back. Yeah, it's harder, right?

Yeah, so basically, you can look at it as you've got to really be able to tap into your feminine side so to speak.

As a man.

Yeah, as a man to be able to tap into her needs and desires. Whereas, she doesn't necessarily have to tap into her masculine side to satisfy us. No, Other than you could argue maybe when it comes to her approach to sex. If she approached it from a more masculine like I'm just ready to go then yeah, a lot of guys would be happy with that. But she can remain in her feminine.

And respect you and support you.

Exactly, and it's interesting. So, it will be easier for her from that standpoint.

So, it's really like men need to really learn how to be masters of themselves and become master of flexing both the masculine energy and the feminine energy. to be able to fully pour into their partner, their woman at a high level the way she needs to receive it.

Absolutely.

That means you can't just be the big, strong, tough, driven provider. You've got to have some sensitive vulnerability within you to be what it sounds like the ultimate masculine man. Yes, right?

Absolutely. That's definitely, it's all about the balance from within us and we've got to, we've got to get more comfortable with it. We've got to get, more educated on how we go about it, you know. Because I want men to understand that though I'm encouraging them to tap into their feminine side to be able to provide some of these things you don't want to lose sight of your masculine. And so, that's why it's still important like I call it loving in your masculine, all right. You have to learn how to love in your masculine. And that might sound tricky but I do believe it's extremely possible once you grasp the concept and you start to become comfortable with it. Because consider yourself, now you're at a point where you had the confidence to say what you want, to lay everything out. You remove the fear of well, if she doesn't like this I'm going to lose her. No, you know what it needs to be either you're with it or you're not. So, now that allows you to remain in your masculine while you still can provide for her in the ways that she needs. You see, we slide fully into the feminine when we become this oh, my gosh, I have to keep her, I got to do everything to get her, whatever, whatever. We become emotionally needy now it's like you're trying to do everything she wants but you don't have that balance of standing strong in who you are. And that's really all it takes in my opinion.

That's why it's so important to have these conversations upfront before you enter the relationship so that you're comfortable walking away or losing someone as opposed to just giving in to try to keep them.

Yes, right. Never be afraid to lose them more than you're afraid to lose yourself.

Dang.

You know what I'm saying?

It's good, man. It's so true though. Yeah. Why do you think so many people are afraid to lose someone else and they'll give in at any moment because.

They don't want to lose someone? Well, you can't be afraid to lose yourself when you don't know who you are. It's true.

You see, you know what's in front.

Of you with them or what you believe is in front of you. You see something you're like I want that. Exactly, but you haven't done the work within yourself to understand that this is not who you are right now. That this is compromising what you need, that this is undermining what's going to allow you to be happy in the long run. once you find that place, find that person within you and you embrace it and you're confident now you can't be moved from that. And now you're going to approach situations and relationships completely different. And again, that confidence and understanding of self alone is going to exude a certain energy that people will respect and make you more desirable in people's eyes.

And you'll be able to see what you don't want. Yeah. The wounds that someone else is carrying with them that you're like, I don't need to go rescue this person. They got to heal first.

Exactly.

Before they can enter in my space if I want to create a conscious, healthy relationship.

Absolutely.

Right? Because why do you think so many men or so many women attract a partner with so many wounds or that is wounded and needs them to rescue them?

Well, I think I always tell people, you know, some will say you are what you attract. and I dispute it because I feel like you can be the most healthy individual there's still going to be unhealthy people or people who still need to heal coming your way. That's normal, that's life.

You're going to attract everyone.

Exactly, because everyone wants to be a part of your light. The key is who you entertain. So, if you keep entertaining these people who need healing, who have these issues then that speaks to issues within you that have not been resolved. And those things are feeding your need to either again, feel like well, If I can fix them, I have more value here, I have more control here. All the things we talked about earlier on in the conversation, that's what's playing out when you feel like you want to hold on to this individual or again, you don't know yourself enough to understand that this, what you're doing right now, you can't even sustain it. And you will not be happy with this relationship even like people don't realize if they got this person they wanted so bad, they're going to be more miserable after the fact. Yes, because again, they're so blinded in the moment of I want them, I want them, I want them. They're not even considering what I have to do to even get them back and what I'm going to have to do to keep them happy as well as you're probably setting the stage where they're going to get to say oh, well, you have to work to have me. I don't have to work to have you because you're starting off unbalanced. So, why would they all of a sudden say okay, well, let me switch it off and now let me do more for you than you were doing for me. No, part of the reason they even got with you is because you were overcompensating for what they weren't giving you. So, you're going to end up miserable anyway. But if you healed and you did your own work you would not go that far down the path.

So, it goes back to creating balance in a relationship not equality.

Yes, right? Yes. And I want people to understand when I say not equality again, I think that the man and the woman have equal value to the success of the relationship. I can't do this without you, you can't do this without me.

But we have different roles.

We have different roles. Look at it like on a basketball team. Yeah. Think about the Bulls when it was Rodman, Pippen, and Jordan. Rodman can't do what Jordan and Pippen can do.

No.

You can argue that he is not as equal in value to them, right? but they cannot win the championship without him. He is the missing piece to the puzzle. So, to me, I don't like this idea of finding your equal. No, find your missing piece. Who completes your puzzle? Who compliments you? They don't have to bring the exact things you bring to the table. They don't have to have quote unquote equal value. No, they just have to be the compliment that when you guys come together you make a whole unit that's unstoppable.

Mm-. What happens when two healthy, conscious, whole people come together and they're a powerful match for one another?

Mm-.

What happens for those individuals in life?

I just think everything gets better from there. Like now, you just have a place of peace, a place of understanding, you have a place where you can get re-energized and take on life a lot more. I think you can accomplish more. I just think that two people coming together at that magnitude, it magnifies everything in both of them. All the good in both of them. And whatever they were doing now, they're going to be able to do better later. So, it's just it's an amazing thing when it happens.

Have you ever seen a man never get in a committed long-term relationship, live a healthy, live a healthy happy life long term being with multiple women for the rest of their life? No.

I haven't seen it. You know, I think at some point every man who has lived that life says to themselves I really don't want to keep doing this. This is too much, it's exhausting dealing with these different women it's very unstable it can be unpredictable. Who knows what drama may come with it. I think that there's a desire to just have one but for some what's stopping them isn't a lack of desire it's the fear of giving themselves fully to one woman.

Why are they so afraid?

Well, because they've been hurt before. Most guys who live that life have been hurt before. You'll see situations where a man could even grow up being a player. maybe he had uncles, cousins that all said have your fun, do your thing. And no matter how much he's been programmed and trained to be a player, he will meet a woman at some point that he's willing to throw in his player card for. He's like forget it, I only want her. The problem is men are not taught how to handle when they feel that way about a woman. They don't understand how to go about it so they mishandle the situation People get hurt, things go left and now when everything blows up he's resenting love, he's resenting maybe that woman he now shuts down. And to him the solution is I'm not going to give my heart to one woman again. Right. So, multiple women is a coping mechanism for him.

Because I don't want to deal with the stress or the feeling trapped or the pain or whatever.

I don't want to deal with the vulnerability of it. You see what I'm saying now, don't get me wrong I'm not saying there aren't men who... Oh, I'll say this I think even the men who desire to sleep with multiple women would prefer to have that one woman and then do their thing on the side. You see, so they still want that one individual that they can rely upon even when they have a desire to sleep with others. So, to me I just don't see a man wanting to never have that one woman and just say, no, I'll just keep being with a bunch of different women. It's draining him.

They want to have at least a partner they feel supported, respected.

Yes.

But what I've heard, what I'm hearing you say is, you don't think that works long term of a man having one woman and then having women on the side.

No, because it's, it's, it's, you're inviting a lot of potential drama. Yeah. It's hard to-- Parasite energies. Yes. It's hard to be emotionally available for all... Listen, it's hard enough to be emotionally available for one woman depending on the type of guy you are, okay. All right, so now you got to manage multiple women that's just really tough. I think like even when you think about back in the days and I'm in way back in the days kings and queens and you had kings with many women.

That was more for reproduction, right? It was like we need to... Yeah.

Part of his status reproduction. Some of it was well, these women if they didn't If they didn't allow themselves to be married to this man or be one of his wives they'd be out in the street and homeless. But here's the thing like, yeah, he might have been cool because he's king but these women weren't happy. They just accepted it. It was acceptable enough to work with but it wasn't what they really wanted and desired. So, it's never this unit of two people who are just so happy in it. And I would still argue that that king if he doesn't have a queen No matter how many concubines he has if he doesn't have a queen he still feels empty. He still needs that one woman that he can share his life with. So, wanting to sleep with multiple women is very different than the need to have that one woman that you can share life with.

What is your thoughts going back to submissive, this word that women, some women don't really like, right?

Yeah, right.

What would be another word to be used for submissive that you think women might be receptive to hearing and be like, okay, I'm gonna listen to this perspective.

I was gonna say let your guard down, but no, that's not gonna work either. They don't like that one either. You know, I don't, I don't know.

Is it feminine? What's the word like?

I think, again, depending on the woman's perception of what these things mean, and what they or what they mean to her specifically will dictate how receptive she is to each word. And that's why I think at some point rather than trying to find a different word I just want them to understand that submissive is not a bad thing. I'm not saying submit to every single man that comes your way. But if you're with the right man if you are confident this man is a good man, is pouring into you, is showing up the way that he needs to why not embrace it?

Allow him to lead in certain ways.

Yes, but what I think women have to understand is because I guarantee there will be some women who just heard that and say well, I have no problem with that. If he shows himself worthy, I will submit. I think the disconnect is but you're not exuding an energy outside of that that says you're a woman who's capable of that. That's the problem. So, it's like yes, I do believe that most women in the presence of a masculine man who loves them and they feel safe around is going to let their walls down and quote unquote submit. Naturally, it'll just happen they won't even think about it it will just naturally happen. But when she's out and about, when she's at a party, whatever the case may be she's not giving off that energy so that man who's capable of pouring into her in that way doesn't even step to her. He goes to somebody else. And so, I just want women to learn how to exude that energy more but that doesn't mean you're submitting to every single guy that comes your way.

Sure, sure. We mentioned about this before. I've been seeing a lot of content on TikTok about some women saying that once you hit past 30, your value as a woman has gone down dramatically for a driven, high desirable man. Is there truth to that or what do you think about this for women over 30 who aren't married, who don't have kids? Are they as desirable as a great partner for men in their 30s and 40s or are those men that are now emotionally ready to commit, more interested in someone younger than them?

I think... So, I'm going to put it to you like this. I think people have to understand there's a difference between what we put down on paper that we want versus what happens in the reality of life, all right. So, yes, if you ask the highly successful man Would you prefer an over 30 year old woman versus a woman in her 20s? Majority of them are probably going to pick in her 20s. Though there are going to be men who will say in over 30. And that's the thing I want women to understand not all of these men think the exact same. They have different reasons. I've met men who were very successful who did not want to date a woman under 30. Refused to date a woman under 30. Because they probably thought it'd be more.

Drama or less loyalty. Exactly, or whatever.

Exactly, there's a Trade off somewhere, that's.

Why they want to make that trade off. That's like what we have in common.

Exactly, and depending on what that specific man truly values will determine which side he falls on. But what I want people to understand is again, even if we said 90% of those men want under 20 on paper.

Under 30.

Under 30, I'm sorry, under 30.

Under 20 might be a little low.

Take that out, no, we got to keep it above. But okay, under 30. Then, what happens is in real life though, if that successful man goes to a bar, meets this beautiful woman exuding all this feminine energy, they talk, the conversation is amazing, they're in full alignment with what they want and what they like. He's not going to say, oh, you're 31, I can't talk to you anymore. At that point, it doesn't matter. once the vibe is there, the connection is there, it doesn't matter. So, you have tons of people that end up with someone who didn't fit what they would have wrote down on a piece of paper, you see. Because what we write down is like our most ideal based off our logic. So, it's almost like if you ask someone what kind of car you want. They might mention yeah, I want a Bentley. But when they leave the dealership they're left with a Corolla or you know, a Nissan or whatever the case may be. Because they realize that's what worked better for them by the time they were done. So, I just think that people get caught up in what they're hearing on the internet rather than listen, if you show up as your best self you can still win whether you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, whatever. It doesn't matter you just have to be your best self. And what I also want women to understand is your goal is not to appeal to the whole base of men. Your goal is to find that one man who aligns with you. So, even if 90% of the guys say on paper they don't want this well, maybe your guy's in that 10% and you'll be fine. Just focus on being your best you.

Man, this has been some good stuff so far. What else do we need to talk about today you think? What else has been a big sticking point for people in relationships? lately.

I just think that in general there's this huge negative stigma on dating in general and a lot of people are just over it and they want to be done. And again-- They're done with dating. They're done with dating. They're done with putting in the effort to date. And a lot of people are confusing practices that don't work with that individual versus practices that don't work in general, all right. So, for example, let's going back again to feminine energy. If I say to a woman okay, walking your feminine energy is going to get you more success. Oh, well the last guy I was with he didn't appreciate it. Okay, that guy didn't. That doesn't mean stop being feminine because being feminine works All right, but you have to recognize that that guy is not it for you. Same thing, one time on a previous interview I did with Lisa, she mentioned how there was a guy who goes on a date and she went on a date with her friend. At the end of the day check comes, the guy looks at the check, she looks at the guy he looks back at her. They're just sitting there looking to see who's going to pay for it first. Finally, after like a couple minutes he's like oh, thank God you're not one of them. And what he explained was his last date when he went to pay for the check the date chewed him out. And told him I can pay for my own meal and just let him have it. So, now he became afraid to try to pay for the meal in fear that he would get chewed out again. And so, people are again mistaking no, the problem wasn't you trying to pay for the date. If you're a guy who's comfortable in that role or wants to be in that role then that was your sign that you two are not a match. That's it. But don't change being the guy who pays for the date, just change the woman that you go on a date with. So, yeah, a lot of people just in various ways... Don't stop being your best self.

Yes. Just because it didn't work on one person.

Exactly.

That was just not the right person. Exactly. Keep being your best version of you, keep healing, keep growing, keep stepping into your masculine or your feminine energy. and you'll be attracting everyone. You've just got to learn how to choose better people.

Absolutely.

Because you're going to attract everyone probably, lots of different types of people.

Absolutely, you definitely will. I mean, again, that's the thing like people who are, who have found, who have healed and gotten to that healthy place, who are taking better care of themselves overall, who are walking in that confidence, they're seeing more opportunities from a variety of people. Like, and even if they haven't found their love of their life yet, they can at least say I'm meeting more people, I'm seeing more chances for relationships to go further. I'm meeting more people who want to be serious about me. Like, that has all improved because they did the work within themselves.

Yeah, I'm going to ask you a personal question.

Go ahead.

What's it... You know, you've been single for a while, right? years. You've been committed to yourself developing yourself. What would it take for the right woman, the right match for you, for you to be like, okay cool, I'm down to explore dating this person and then getting committed eventually. What would it take for you to witness an experience? Because you've met a lot of women.

Yes, a lot of great women. So as far as a willingness to explore it, That's going to start with there has to be a strong attraction physically. I believe in that wholeheartedly. So, that has to be there. Again, I talk about feminine and masculine energy all the time so of course, I'm going to be drawn to a much more feminine woman. That's what I like, that's what I appreciate, that's what I value. Also, for me this one is a little tricky because I value a healthy lifestyle overall. so, eating healthier, working out, things of that nature. I'm not prepared to say that I would not give someone who's not doing those things a chance. I would be more hesitant but I'll say if that's in place that's a big green light for me. So, if all those other things are there and I find out you're into a healthy lifestyle as well oh, yeah, we definitely can look more into this and see where we can go. And then from there it's just more so alignment in personality. So, it's like okay, I'm a very introverted person. So, I think it'd be best for someone who can have that balance to it. They don't have to be a super extrovert but I think if they're too introverted and I'm too introverted how will that really work in the long run? Again, I'm not saying I'm completely against it. I'm skeptical though if I'm being honest. I think the way that we want to live life I am not the most I'm a mixture of I can be frugal in some ways, maybe probably not. No, I'll spend money that's the thing. When I like something I believe in quality, I like certain luxuries I'm going to spend it. What I have seen in a lot of couples is this battle that happens when you have this individual who likes to live a more luxurious lifestyle and this person wants to live a simple lifestyle. When those values don't align it conflicts. flicks and creates a lot of arguments and problems. And again, it starts with that small thing and manifests into all these other bigger issues. So, to me, I would want to make sure we're on the same page with the lifestyle that we want to live. And then after that, it goes beyond them and it's just about spiritually. Are we in alignment spiritually? You know, I pray about everything. So, I have to feel like God is telling me she's it. If not, I'm not moving forward, you know, and that's that's the piece I think people don't understand as to why someone like me would be single as long as I am versus someone who has my same resume so to speak but they don't have that spiritual side, all right. Because now they're operating strictly from a logical place. And if I was operating from a strictly logical place oh, I could have married somebody a long time ago. But for me that spiritual element is huge and I can't turn my back on that. So, that's what I believe has prolonged the process. And you know, I have to trust God's timing. I don't know what the purpose is at the moment but maybe I'm not as ready as I think I am. You know, maybe certain things need to be established within you. You know, I honestly say not even within me but within the purpose. I think like remember, I don't know if you remember last time we did one of these episodes, you kind of called me out on the fact that I had a letter I didn't write. And I did it just so you.

Know I did it.

So, I made sure I cleared everything. So, I've done and of course, there's always room to grow. There's room. Always more to learn. But I can confidently say I've done all the deep work. Everything that I talk to people about, I've done every step of it. And none of it weighs on me anymore. I'm good. So, to me I think though it's things need to be established within the purpose because what I will say is I've seen a lot of guys in my field that once they got married they took the foot off the pedal and they kind of fell off to be honest with you. Now, I'm not saying I would completely fall off but hey, it's real easy that once you find someone you love and you're happy with you know, more relaxed. Yeah, you know you're like maybe I'll need to do this interview today, maybe I'll need to do this live right now, let me just go chill with my girl. It's easy to fall into that pattern. So, I think that maybe for me there are some things that have to be created first foundationally and then that can be brought into my life.

If you guys enjoyed this so far make sure to leave a comment about what resonated with you the most as Stephon was talking about which point that he talked about that really speaks to you. Maybe something you haven't done yet, something you did do that works well I want to see in the comments, share this out as well. We'll have everything else linked up that we talked about in previous episodes because some of these were massive hits. So make sure you guys go watch or listen to those as well in the description. Stephon, you got an amazing, lots of amazing books for people. You've got an amazing YouTube channel, Instagram, social media.

How can we be of support and service to you today? Just follow me @StephonSpeaks on all the social media. You can go to steponspeaks.com to get all the different books. I always want to highlight Love After Heartbreak because that's the one that lays out how to heal and you notice that came up a lot today. And I do believe it's the foundation of success in every aspect of our life. So, I definitely encourage people to go get that book. They can also go to loveafterheartbreak.com but yeah, just continue to watch the videos, watch this show you know and share it with all your friends and family. Share it out.

I love to see what people think is the most controversial thing or the thing that they really believe in, but it's hard for them to say publicly. So leave a comment below. Let us know. Stefan, always a pleasure, my man. Appreciate you. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus Channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.