Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

Love doesn't exist. Literally. Love is a blurb. So if I want to know how much love you have, then I want to pay attention to your actions and the way you behave towards me.

A Mexican actress, writer and producer best.

Known for her role on Netflix's Altered Carbon.

This is a woman who has captured my heart, who has fully loved and accepted me for who I am as a human being. Please welcome Martha Howes.

When you're struggling with something about the person you're with over and over and over again, it's because underneath that you wish they would change that. That's personal.

Either accept her or don't be with her. Exactly why do you think God needs to be at the center of intimacy and relationships for married couples?

I did this pilgrimage and I was having a really beautiful conversation with a priest and he said the number one advice he gives.

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Amazing.

Feels good, yes? Does it feel like Powerful. And let's go.

Yeah. We're united.

We're united.

Yes. We're a family.

We are family.

Yes.

And this whole episode is going to be breaking down how we prepared for marriage, the process. We went through all the different steps. It was a lot. It was a lot of different steps. A lot of different steps. But it was. For me, it was like, I wish everyone went through a similar process before getting married. Really? Before getting engaged and then getting married. And the last time we had an episode of you on was when I proposed to you at Summit of Greatness.

Yes, it was.

That was the last episode. It was about a year and a half ago, and it was on stage at Summit of Greatness. We had an amazing interview, and I had a ring in my pocket.

I didn't know. This is the crazy thing is that you told me, like, oh, you're gonna be on stage with me. I'm gonna ask you some questions. And I thought, what about? I was like, do you wanna play?

Was it like two, three days before? It was like a week before, right? It was like a week before.

Yeah. Like, suddenly, I think I heard from Sarah first.

Yeah.

I was like, wow, am I gonna be. Yeah, you're gonna be one of the, you know, speakers. Speakers. I was like, okay, great.

I was like, don't worry about it. I'll just ask. We'll do an interview. I'll ask you some questions, and it'll be fun.

Yeah. But then, you know how I am. I'm very studious, so I like to prepare. So I was like, love. Like, what do you want us to talk about? What is this gonna be about? You know? And you were like, ah, you know, I don't know. Just ask you questions and then you'll respond to the questions.

Relationship stuff. But you came prepared with, like, notes, note cards. You had, like, incredible answers. I didn't even know what I was going to ask you. But you had the answers prepared.

Yeah.

And at the end, I stood up and I was like, everyone, give Martha a round of applause. We stood up and I was like, okay, you can go off. And then I pulled you back and I was like, oh, wait, I have one more question. One question I've never been able to ask anyone. And I got on a knee and asked her to marry me. It was like the loudest scream ever. I did have one final question that I wanted to ask, and I actually have never asked this question to anyone in 10 years of my podcast. I wanted to ask you. I was curious. That was, like, the beginning yeah. Of once you get. Once we got engaged, we didn't get married for another year and three, four months. Right. Today of this filming. Not when it goes out, but the day. Today that we're filming. We've been married three months as of today.

Yes.

And, oh, well, by the way, at the end of this episode, we have two big surprises we're going to share with people.

We do.

We have two big surprises.

So this is the way you are.

So we're going to have two big surprises at the end.

Surprises are also for me, because you.

Don'T tell me, you know what we're talking about. We have two big surprises is at the end of this episode. So get ready for that.

I know about one. I don't know the second one.

Okay, well, we'll see. See, maybe I'll share both.

Okay.

But this is. We got married at the church not even a mile from here.

Yes.

Three months ago today. Then we got married in Mexico a week later, had friends, family come.

It was amazing.

But it was. It was amazing. And. But it was a year in, like, whatever, three months of us being engaged, also living together and going through a process of, okay, what do we really want? What does our true alignment look like? What are our values? We talked about all these things, but now it's like stepping into marriage. What does this look like?

Yes.

And it was a process. There were things I wanted to do. There were things you wanted to do. Some of it felt like a lot of work. It felt like, oh, man, this is like going back to school. We read tons of books together. We went through workbooks, we went through workshops, and I think they were all necessary. We went to therapy together. Like, we did all these things not because something was wrong or that we feel like we needed to fix something, but more to build a strong foundation. And everything we were talking about for the whole year was like, how do we strengthen and deepen our foundation? Because we know from experience of talking to a lot of successful married couples, we know that life throws adversity and challenges at everyone. Yes, individuals, couples, married people, whatever. And the goal for us was, how do we set ourselves up for success? Being married, knowing that there's going to be challenge, adversity, stress that comes our way individually as couples, whatever it might be, knowing that we're not going to have some perfect marriage, knowing that it's going to be seasons of high and seasons of challenge to overcome all these different things. So how do we stay together in strong unity even when something is really great or there's a challenge facing our way. And that's really what it was. It was like, how do we set this up so that we have a language we can speak and understand values? Agreements and agreements was like one of the biggest things. But we went through a. We went through a number of books that we'll talk about in another episode. But one of the things we went through, which was marriage preparation program for engaged couples.

Yes.

That really set us up for success.

It was an amazing experience because it's. It's something that we did through the Catholic Church and other people that we know who have taken this workshop. They say, you know, you don't need to be a Catholic to take it. This is something that you really need. It'd be very good if you can take it because of all the subjects that we were discussing and there's other couples there, so you get to hear, you know, also. What. What are the insights as well.

Yes.

And it's giving. Is the whole workshop is given by a, you know, a couple who has been married for at least 40 years.

Yeah. I think they were together for like 30 something years.

30 something. 38. Like, something like that.

First to 40 years. And they struggled for like the first 15 years.

Yes.

Because they didn't go through this.

Yes, exactly.

And then they started to go through this program and they have a lot more joy in their life, a lot more love, a lot more joy. The wife, she was really funny. She was like, you know, I want. I thought I was going to get divorced after like 15 years. It was just constant. Was like a constant battle. There was like, we were just always in friction, you know, and then we'd have like a good weekend, and then two, three weeks of stress and fighting and arguments. And she said, After 15 years, it was just like, I think I'm done. I can't deal with this anymore. It's too much stress. He doesn't understand me. I don't understand him. We are butting heads. What's the point of being in this stressful, complicated marriage where we don't see eye to eye, we don't speak the same language, we don't have the same values, we don't have the agreements. And she said that she, A friend of hers was like, why don't you come to church? Come with me. And something spoke to her when she went to church.

So what was happening with her is that she. She explained this to us, but this can happen to a lot of us women that in order to keep safety in the relationship, you can start having A controlling personality, which is what she was trying.

She's trying to control everything about him.

Everything.

Where are you going? Don't go hang out with your friends. You need to be here. What are you doing with the kids? Stop doing this. Start doing this. She was like.

She started to become the mom of the husband as opposed to the wife, the partner, the lover. And so. No. And so he was feeling like he couldn't do anything, otherwise she'd be upset. And she wanted to take the lead in the relationship and say, what are we going to do? What job position you're going to take? Where are we going to live? What's going to. All of the decisions she wanted to take, but also at the same time, she wanted to feel feminine, but she felt she was having to carry the relationship on her own. So then a friend of hers invited her to go to church, and she went to church. And she started going like, I need to let go of control.

Yes.

I need to let go of control and give it to God and just. It's not up to me, otherwise I'm going to drown.

Why do you think so many women try to take control in their relationship, whether they're dating, engaged or married? Why are so many women in that position of being in control rather than allowing their partner, their man to lead the vision?

I think, personally, I think it goes from way back when that woman was a little girl. Whatever it is that as we are growing up, whatever place that makes us feel, I'm safe in this place, it's a protective mechanism. That's what I really think it is that when you feel insecure about certain things, you want to know what your man is doing every single time, at every single moment. Like, literally, like, what is he doing 24 7? It's not because you are trying to think you're being controlling. It's because you are trying to build safety for you. Because something must have happened to you way back when you were little. Something must have happened, maybe perhaps with your mom or with your dad, that you never felt that you can rely on that person. So if your dad left or if your dad was intermittent, sometimes he'd be there. Sometimes he wouldn't be there for you or your mom. You start feeling like, okay, this is the way love is. So when you grow up, you think, okay, if I can have control and I can know what this person is doing 24 7, then I'll be safe. Then I know for sure he loves me. It comes from that. It also happens to men, too. It's not necessarily just for a woman, but. Yeah.

But why get into a relationship if you have to always be obsessive about what the partner's doing all day long or making sure that you're in control of what they're doing so you can feel safe? Why even get in a relationship?

Because everybody wants to be loved, and so they have a different version of what love means for them. And I think so it's good to be with a person that you're sharing your life with. It's just that not all the time. We are taught, what is the healthy love versus the codependency or the controlling. All of that is part of the codependency. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I think from the beginning, we both made it clear to each other of, like, meeting each other. That was like, this is my life and this is the vision I have, and this is what I want to create in my life, in a relationship. And you were sharing the same thing. And we were like, this is what we've both been through in the past, that we don't want to live, like, anymore. We both wanted to feel accepted for who we are, accepted for our dreams, our goals, accepted for our lifestyle.

Personality.

Yeah, personality. We're not trying to change the other person or say, I don't like that. Quit doing that.

Yes.

And really creating a sense of acceptance rather than control. I think control is a lack of acceptance. It's like, okay, I don't like what you're doing here, so do this so I can feel safe as opposed to, I accept what you're creating. If there's something that feels off, can we have a conscious conversation where we're creating safety together but not a sense of, stop doing that. Don't do this, don't do this.

Like, and then it becomes, like, unsexy.

Yeah.

In reality, if you start controlling your man or the man, even the woman. But if you. If you start controlling the man all the time, telling him what to do, what not to do. I didn't like this. I like this. You start becoming the parent.

Like, you know, the morning you try to remind me, hey, take your supplements. Right. There's certain reminders you'll do that's nurturing. And there's certain things where I'm like, hey, don't lift this heavy thing right now, or whatever, or, don't do this thing, or, why don't you take a rest and take a nap? Or, you know, it's like a reminder, you know, so there's a balance. I think of, like, you say I daddy you. Sometimes it's like. I'm like, hey, stop doing that.

Yes. Or when I go shopping, you go, oh, you don't need that.

That's true.

Yeah.

Sometimes.

But it's like, you know, my dad does it. My brother does it to his wife. Like, it's like I was talking to my mom about it, and she was like, listen. That as a male personality, they have the feeling and.

Or protector.

It's protector and it's leadership.

Yeah, yeah.

This is how my mom, you know, raised, you know, the female in our family. But she said, a man's nature is going to want to lead and protect, and they're going to want to do this. So sometimes they're going to tell you sometimes, hey, don't do this. I don't think you should buy this. I don't think you should get this.

Exactly.

And so the mom says, listen, you have two choices. You go, oh, okay, I won't buy it. But if you really want the thing, just go ahead, do it. You know, like. Like, just. It's okay. Accept. Because this is the part she was telling me, your dad will never change that. We've been together for 43 years of marriage, and literally, she said, your dad will continue to tell me, when I go shopping, you don't need this. You already have something similar at home. So she says, you know what? I do. I know he is that way. I accept the way he is, and I just buy the thing if I need it.

Yeah.

Instead of trying to tell him, hey, don't tell me this every single time you tell me he's going to continue to tell you that all of his life, because this is his way to. Maybe he's trying to protect the budget. You know, that's another thing. Or maybe just whatever it is. And it was an interesting conversation because I was like, if I. If I. If I turn this around and I say to Louis every time he wants to buy anything, don't buy this. Don't do this. He's going to feel. I mean, I'm being controlled.

Don't tell me what to do.

Right, Exactly.

Don't tell me what to do.

Yeah, yeah. So in my case, you say it.

In a loving way.

Yeah.

You're like, hey, do you think we need this right now? Or, hey, I think I already know that you have something like this. Are you sure you want to buy it? I'm just reminding you.

Yeah.

Then I'd be like, oh, yeah, okay. But if you're like, don't do this. I'll Be like, don't tell me what to do.

Yeah, you already have this thing, grown man. Exactly. Exactly.

But anyway, you don't speak like that to me. You don't speak that way.

I don't. I don't know.

And again, the intention for this conversation and episode is to share with people all the things that we did leading up into marriage. Again, we are three months married. We're not here to say how to have a great marriage.

We, you know, we're new at this.

We're new. So there's no way that we can speak from that experience, but we can speak from the experience from being dated, dating to getting engaged, to getting married and what has worked for us. And I think that's what I want us really communicate with anyone watching or listening. And we probably do because we both had previous experiences and relationships that were painful or challenging or didn't feel right.

Yeah.

Both Martha and I, before we met each other, were doing individual therapy.

Yes.

So we were both already in a growth journey, a healing journey, a growth mindset, and we were both open to explore reflecting on ourselves and saying, oh, where did I make a mistake? Where did I not create a boundary? How could I have shown up better for me? How could I have been better in my previous relationships, whatever it might been, to see how we didn't, because we didn't want to repeat the same pattern again. So we both were doing that healing journey before we met each other. And then when we got started dating, I put it out there to you, and I said, I don't want to get committed unless you're willing to do couples therapy at the beginning. And you said, I'd love to.

Oh, yeah. It was a little bit more loose than that. You were very. Have you ever thought about doing therapy at the beginning of a relationship as opposed to, like, when there's a lot of troubles and struggles? Towards the end, I was like, yes, I've always thought, that's a great idea. Then you said, you know, I would love to do that, because I feel like I couldn't get committed to you if we don't.

Unless we were. Unless you were open to doing that.

Yes, exactly. And I was like, I'm totally open because I've always kind of wanted it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So for me, that was a big. I think, just doing that before getting engaged, knowing that I had a partner willing to grow with me. It doesn't mean you have to do therapy with your partner, because someone may not be ready for that.

Yeah.

But they've got to be Ready to do some type of reflection or some type of work. Otherwise you're going to be with a partner with a fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset. So it doesn't mean they have to do every workshop that you want to do. It doesn't mean they have to go to therapy right away. It doesn't mean that. But I think they've got to be willing to look at themselves, be willing to have uncomfortable conversations with you then, and see how we can grow together.

And even how do you react to the uncomfortable conversations? You know, like, that's another thing, because you can meet somebody and that people can say just the right things that you feel like, oh, my God, this person's amazing. They're telling me exactly what I wish to hear. They've read the books, so they've memorized the books. And then they're telling me all the lingo that I love hearing.

But their behavior, if it doesn't match it.

Yeah, exactly. So for me, it's. The actions are speaking louder than any words. You'll tell me, maybe you've never gone to therapy, maybe you never read any books, but if you are integrous, kind, loving, you show up, like, in the way you show up to me, it's like, that's even more important, you know, because a lot of people can go to therapy, but we have the podcast, we have the books, we have all these things. But then when you exercise them, when you are actually being what you're saying. I was reading this thing the other day from my therapist that she was talking about love, like, specifically about love. And love is a thing that you can't just say, you know, love is not a word. Like if, like, literally, she was saying this, love doesn't exist. Literally, love is a verb. It's something you practice. So if I want to know how much love you have, then I want to pay attention to your actions and the way you behave towards me. Well, in this case, because we're a partnership, right? And towards people, by the way, how much love you are. And so you are loving, you are kind, you're respectful, you're thoughtful, you engage in the conversation. That's how you love. You're touchy, you're all these different things. So. So love is, in that respect, it doesn't exist then. It's a thing that is just floating out here, you know, the concept of love, it's a thing that you see in the movies, in TV shows, it's floating. But when you say, you know what, what is really Love. Love is a verb that translates into actions.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's a good thing I took a lot of action.

You did. You do. And you continue to do, of course. Yes.

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Work, but also, by the way, it was a lot of fun.

It was.

There were some things that were rough.

There were fun most of the time.

Yes.

Sometimes. Yeah. I'm like a deep growth mindset person and I'm in this work constantly. But there were times where I was like, I just need a break from this. I need to like, let's just go vibration inspired. I don't want to talk about this. Let's just go have fun, right?

Yes.

But I'm glad I did a lot of this work probably 90% of the time because it gives me so much peace knowing that I can fully be myself in our relationship and that I can speak my mind and you're not going to react or scream at me or respond in some negative way. And I think you trust and respect me more because you've known I've done the work and the foundation of a relationship. And so I feel like you accept me and love me more because of the investment I made in shared growth, in shared conversations and in doing that work early on. And my Whole vision and goal is to create that. We created the foundation for ourselves so that we can just keep enjoying, to have fun and live a beautiful, expansive life day after day, year after year. And again, when there's challenge or adversity that comes.

You have the tools.

We have tools. And we have also a foundation of strength, of, hey, we know how to talk about this. And we don't need to blame each other or make the other person wrong. It's not about the other person not being there. It's about how do we handle the challenge of the adversity that's coming our way.

Yes.

How do we make it about the challenge, not about us? And I think it's supported us because of how much work we did on these different things and continue to do on a weekly basis.

Do you want to share some of these? Because I think they were.

Yeah. I want to walk through kind of like the whole process of this. Again, the whole thing was called Marriage Preparation Program for Engaged Couples. Now, it doesn't mean you have to be engaged to do this. I almost think, like, if you thought about doing this before engagement, it would be better because a lot of people get engaged and they don't have all these conversations. Then we're engaged for what, six to 12 months or two years, and you still don't have the conversations. And you get married and you're like, oh, I didn't know this about you because we lacked the courage or the. The presence or whatever to speak up and use our voice and say, this is what I really want for the vision of my life. And so, again, I almost think this is worth. We did something else before getting engaged. We read a book called Eight Dates as well.

Yes.

Which was really powerful. We wrote a book. We read a book called how to Be an Adult in Relationships.

It's an amazing book.

And we'll kind of. I think in the future we'll break down a few of these different books that were really powerful for us. But this. And I think maybe that was. If you go through eight Dates, it's kind of like a preview to what you're going to get.

It's a preview. Yeah. It's like it's getting in the. Getting the water right here.

Yeah.

This other one was really deep. Deep.

So I'm just going to walk through some of the things that we talked about, and then we can break down each one of these. But the first part of it, which I thought was really cool, was a candle ceremony, which for a guy might seem a little weird being like, okay, we're going to do this candle ceremony. But I think women may be more open to that or more used to doing this, but it's really about, like, we had to have a candle. We lit the candle, and we set an intention for what we wanted to create from this experience. Right. It was like, what is our intention? What do we want to build for this weekend workshop? When we go through this, how do we want to show up? It was just allowing our hearts and our minds to get in alignment with a vision of connection, communication, honesty, and vulnerability. It's like, how do I make sure I really speak what I feel or all my fears or concerns so that I share things and my partner's able to share things and we can come together stronger.

Yeah. And it was also beautiful because we said, you know, while doing the scandal ceremony, we prayed about it, meaning also we were saying, you know, it's not just the two of us in this relationship. We're inviting and bringing God into the relationship. Because although these conversations are going to be. Some of them are going to be a lot of fun, some of them can be hard. So we got to remember that, you know, it's not just the two of us. We have a higher power that's helping us through these conversations.

It's interesting because I think this was. I'd interviewed Liz Gilbert, I think, before we went through this.

Okay.

And Elizabeth Gilbert from Eat Pray, Love. And she had gone through, you know, different relationships in her past. She'd been married, divorced, and then she was, you know, in another relationship a couple years ago that was extremely intense. Like, so intense and very, like, so much chemistry and explosive, but also toxic as well that she talked about in this episode.

So. Yeah.

And she. And. And the reason why it was so intense in a lot of different ways is her partner, I think, had cancer and ended up dying when they were in a relationship.

I remember that. Yeah.

And it, like, broke her spirit afterwards. Right. And she realized that she was in kind of, like, this addictive loop, this love addiction. This kind of, like, love addiction of, like, chemicals and feelings and, like, we're so connected, and you get me, and I get you. And when I had her on, she was like, man, I was really in a toxic place for most of my life, living from this space of just chemistry and making it happen. And she said one of the things when she went to, like, sex therapy, rehab, she said something I realized is that I never had God in my relationships. How many relationships do you feel like you've been in in the Past, like, intimate relationships, whether it be, like, dating or sexual or.

Oh, like 40.

40, okay. You know, like 45, maybe. How many of the relationships you've been in had God at the core of the center?

None.

In the future, do you feel like God will be in the relationship in some way?

If God's not in the relationship, it's not a relationship.

Wow. You know, and I heard a prayer.

Recently in one of the 12 step rooms.

And this is about every relationship, you.

Know, not just sexual and intimate, but somebody said, dear God, please only bring me relationships where you can be first and I can be me.

Oh, man, that's good. God is going to have your back no matter what, and their back. Why do you think God needs to be at the center of intimacy and relationships for married couples?

When I went to, you know, I did this pilgrimage to Medjugorje, and I was having a really beautiful conversation with a priest. You know, they. It's such a wonderful experience because you get to go through all of this and just basically, like, you know, the experience of confession. It's like you bring everything that is waiting on you, everything that is happening, everything. It was a beautiful, beautiful conversation. After that, we were just going for a walk, and I'm talking to the priest and saying, you know, my fiance and I are getting ready to get married. Do you have any advice for us? And he said, that's the number one advice he gives people. Bring God into the relationship. He said, a relationship doesn't break up. A marriage doesn't break up due to the lacks, the lack of sex, or due to the lacks, the lack of communication or due to. It's like they break up due to the lack of God. And the reason why he said is because when you love God, you love your partner, and when you love your partner, you love God. It's like, it's your way. Like your partner is in this life being there for you to enjoy, to grow with, to explore life with, to have intimacy with, to have conversations, to have growth, to have family. Like, all these different things, it's like expansive. A beautiful, expansive, loving experience that God has put there in front of you for you to enjoy. So you can't say, I love God, but I hate my husband. Well, then you're not loving God. You see, like, you can't say these type of things. You can't. Like, if you look at your husband in the eyes, even if he's at that moment, you're like, oh, my God, he's annoying me. What is this thing he's just living his life. He's being whatever he's being at that moment. Because you never know. Maybe he has nothing to do about you. Maybe he's frustrated with something with work. Maybe he's, you know, being a little bit impatient. Maybe he's whatever. He's living a life experience at the moment. And you're sharing this life experience, this person, and God is there with you to give you the moment to say, I love him. He's just having a hard time right now, you know, or he's just being the way he is usually in these situations. And that's okay. I love him. I accept him just as much as loves me and accepts me. Imitating the love of God into the relationship. Like, this is the way I took it in and this is the way I feel with you. You know, I like, I see you, I'm like, what a gift, what a gift to have in my life. This man and you are fantastic. 98% of the time, there's the 2% of the time that I go, but I giggle inside, you know what I mean?

So when I'm in breakdown or I'm doing something that's frustrating you, or I'm impatient or whatever it is, or I'm like stressed out or I'm not being present or something like that, what do you think about? Or how do you handle it internally as opposed to being like, you're not being present, look at me, pay attention. Or why are you so impatient right now? Like, why can't you just be patient? You don't react in these, you know, quick reaction ways to like, strike me down if I'm not perfect 100% of the time. And so what do you think about when I'm in a breakdown moment?

Or like, if you're in a breakdown, it happens so rarely. But when, but.

Or if you just feel like he's just not paying attention or he's being impatient or he's distracted or whatever, you.

Know, I just think in my mind, I just don't make it about me. Why would it be about me? Well, unless it really is about me, you probably will tell me. But in my mind, I think there must be something going on with him right now that is making him frustrated at this moment. Or if you're frustrated because we're having a frustrating situation between the two of us, I know, for example, and it has happened very rarely, but if you want to leave the room at the moment, I know you're not leaving the room because you're trying to avoid the conversation that we're having. I know you, because I know you, that you are measuring yourself. And if you are starting to feel like you're going to get upset, you rather leave rather than me poking the bear and then suddenly, you know, don't poke the bear. Exactly. But this is why it's important to do these exercises because you get to know your, you get to know the woman you're with. You know, and that's part of acceptance. Like if I, if I, like I said, it's very rarely. But when I've seen you doing like that, I just go, it's okay. He needs his time off and that's fine. And then, you know, sometimes, you know how they say people, they, they tell you don't go to bed upset. Right. You can try, but if you're still a little bit upset, it's okay. Like the world's not going to end tomorrow morning. Like, okay. Whenever you have time, we'll discuss what happened.

Yeah.

With a sense of humor.

I've heard that for sure. I mean, so many people have said that. Yeah. I don't know, because that's. Then you have to force yourself to stay awake when you're exhausted to try to find resolution. And you might be up till 6:00am yeah. No, and then you're. And then the next day I'm thinking.

At that moment, think, no, you're not.

You can't think straight. So it's like, I hear that and I get that. And I think it's a good thing to try. If you can resolve something before 6am Are you ready to finally hit your target nutrient levels every day? Meet groons. The daily snack pack of gummies isn't just a multivitamin. It's not just a green gummy, and it's not just a prebiotic. It's all of that rolled into one and then some at a fraction of the price. And they taste great. Here's what makes them stand out. While most multivitamins only cover 7 to 9 vitamins, grooms bring together over 20 vitamins and minerals plus more than 60 nutrient dense whole food ingredients. And those ingredients are known to support things like gut, health, energy, immunity, recovery, cognition, and even beauty. Because it's in gummy form, your body has an easier time absorbing it. Also, we have packs in our studio and they've been a game changer for everyone in the studio. We've run out so quickly. No powders, no handfuls of pills, just a pack of tasty gummies. And I'm fueling my body with the nutrients it needs. Use Code Greatness at Groons Co to save up to 52% off your first order. That's code greatness. R U N S Co for up to 52% off this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, the holidays can feel a lot like balancing family expectations, travel, work, and trying to make everything perfect. It's easy to forget to take care of yourself in the middle of it all. I've been there and what I've learned is that when you don't make space to slow down, it's hard to actually enjoy the moments that matter Most. That's why BetterHelp is encouraging you to rewrite your traditions this season by making time for you. Incorporating therapy into your routine can help you pause, reflect, stay grounded during what can be joyful but sometimes hectic or even lonely time of the year. The holidays look different for everyone. Maybe it's baking your great aunt's sweet potato pie, or maybe it's starting something new like a quiet night with friends. Therapy can be one of those new traditions too. Better Help matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime. This December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% off@betterhelp.com Louis that's better. H E L P.com Louis Cold mornings Holiday Plans this is when you need your wardrobe to just work Stuff that looks sharp, feels good and you'll actually reach for Quint makes gifting easy when everything's worth keeping for yourself. By partnering directly with trusted factories that maintain high standards for craftsmanship and ethical practices, Quince cuts out the middlemen and markups. That means premium quality at half the cost of other high end brands. So you can give luxury pieces without the luxury price tag. And it goes beyond their clothes. Quince also has incredible home and bedding options to make your home cozy this season. Martha and I have the European linen duvet cover set from Quince. And let me tell you, the duvet set is so soft and high quality we highly recommend get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with Quince. Don't wait. Go to quints.com Louis for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Quash N C E.com Lewis free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Lewis.

Or you can do this other strategy which is like not even black or white. Let's pause it. That doesn't mean I'm not gonna say I love you. Good night. I'm here with you. This is our life.

Pause it. Let's talk about it.

It's okay. We'll talk about it tomorrow.

I think it's good.

Or even some other day, you know, like, I think that's good. But for me, it's just the first thing I do. I don't take it personally. I. I think you're going through also other things in life, because I know. And then, and then you gotta have a little bit of a sense of humor.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Like, literally, like there's little things that you do sometimes that inside of me, I'm giggling, not in a bad way, but I'm giggling because I go. I know heavy. Like, you know, things like that.

Okay, so that the candle ceremony was the first part, which is kind of setting the intention. We're going to create a space of openness, of love, of communication. And the second part was the sacrament of matrimony. I don't even remember this part, but do you remember what this is?

It's just basically they explained to us what it really is, that it is what marriage is. Marriages.

That is it.

What are the sacraments?

What does that mean?

It means like what we were just talking about, that it's a beautiful gift that God is giving you and you are choosing to have. It's not just like, oh, you are choosing to go into this, this journey together in which, you know, there's going to be up and downs, there's going to be situations, there's going to have, you know, there's going to be paths in which maybe you're, you're going to exercise forgiveness. Maybe, you know, God forbids, but like, something happens to one of your children, like there's so many things that are going to come and you just got to remember you're coming together at this. You're not alone in this. Have your wife, you're no longer this. You have your husband and you both have God. So that was that one.

The next thing we did, which I think is probably something a lot of people struggle with because they don't have these conversations, is your family of origin. And here's an example when people get married. Well, this is an example, I guess, for both of us. This happened for both of us. When people get married, your parent in law or sibling in law on both sides will say, welcome to the family.

Yes, this happened to the both of us.

Welcome to the family. And it's all good intentions, right? It doesn't mean a bad thing, but essentially we didn't, I didn't join your family. You didn't join my family. We created a new family and we both have extended family.

Yes.

And most people don't think that way. And again, it's not a bad way to think about it because I think it's, oh, we're all one big happy family. But then things get really messy at different times because you have certain traditions from your origin of family. I have different traditions, or lack of traditions, whatever it might be, and parent in laws and different extended family want you to come at certain times. And it's like, well, this is what I've always done. We always did this tradition or my parents always did this. So we have to go here, we have to do this. But when we create a new marriage, you create a new family.

Yes.

And we are no longer in our other family. It doesn't mean they aren't our extended family. And we didn't grow up in that family. But we have created a new family. And therefore we had to. It was really cool because you, we had a, like a graph that we put ourselves like individually, our parents, how many siblings they had, how many like cousins and aunts and uncles they had and how many siblings we have. Right. It was like, what is your origin family? And draw it out with like little stick figures heads. And the couple that, that was doing the workshop with us, the husband, he had like a very small family and, or he had, he had a massive family.

He filled out his entire page. Kind of like me, so all people, his whole time.

And the woman was just like four people. You know, it's like, oh. And then these people died and it was just us and my sister and that was it.

So then she explained to us that she, she struggled for a chunk of the relationship at the beginning.

She wanted more privacy and she wanted.

Like, he wanted to ask the opinion of every single one of the members of his family before they can make a decision for them.

Exactly.

Because this also happens frequently. And I want to say I'm going to speak as a Latina because this is what I know of, but I, I, I assume it also happens in other different cultures. But when you are so close to your family of origin.

Oh yeah.

You are like glue. You do everything together. Every family vacation, every Christmas, every birthday party. You are used to being the daughter or the son. So what happens is this. There comes the next family vacation and usually the parents decide, where are we gonna go? We're gonna go here. And then you go, you follow. At least if you were raised the way I was raised, you follow. Whatever.

All your parents.

Yes, exactly. So then when you enter a committed relationship, it happens more frequently than not that the person who's used to having that type of glue with the family makes a plan with their partner. But then the family comes in and says, no, wait a second. We bought tickets. We're coming to visit you. And you've, you know, this happened to me. I told you about it. And you're like, how do I tell my mom or my dad they can't come visit me because I made these plans already with my partner? It didn't happen.

Didn't happen with me.

With you? No. In the past. It's something I learned. And. And you. If you bring. If you continue to think that your family of origin is your family.

Yeah.

Then who's your husband?

Right.

Then who's your wife? Is he just a roommate, like a partner? Like, what is that person? So it's like shifting literally all of that and saying, no, you are my family from now on. Like, we are making our decisions together as a family, and we don't have to ask and consult the other extended family for these decisions if it's okay. Yeah. Like why and what they want to do. And then the step of setting boundaries with the extended family, how hard is.

That or how hard was that for you to create boundaries? Or is that for, like, Latin culture or Latin communities to create boundaries with parents or extended family when they get married?

It could be hard because, I mean, it wasn't for me because, you know, my family and I. I did that work before I met you. But it can be hard because you don't want to offend your mom, you don't want to offend your dad, and then the boy. If they're Latinos, they do get offended, you know, like, oh, I can't believe you have to ask your fiance if you can come to the trip because you guys had other plans. What do you mean? So it's like this thing. It doesn't come from a bad place.

I want to say, who is the guy online that we like watching his content is a Mark Driscoll.

Oh, he speaks a lot where he.

Says, listen, you know, and he's like a father, and he's got kids, and I think he's got grandkids or whatever. And so his kids have their own family. And he's like, I understand this. As a father, it's hard to, you know, once your daughter, your son goes and creates Their own family. You're no longer in their family. Obviously, it's your dog, it's your child, it's your daughter, it's your son, and you're going to treat them like that. But you also have to respect that they are now in a new family. They have a husband or a wife, and they're creating their kids and they're creating their routines and their rituals. He said something like, listen, you're going to make your own Christmas and Thanksgiving and holiday plans. We're going to try to entice you and say we're going to have a lot of cool gifts and free food, and we're going to, you know, offer you things to come to our home as well, if you want to. But if you want to do your own thing, we have to respect that as the parents.

Yes.

And that's just the natural progression of life and seasons of life. And then when your kids go off and get married, they're no longer your family, they're your extended family, which is the weirdest thing to think of. It's not something I thought of before this process.

Do you know, I think it'd be worth to bring up the. Do you want to bring the church wedding? What happened? Because I think for me, that was a really big test.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

This is intense.

But I think it's a beautiful test of this conversation that we're having.

I mean, it's a good example. I mean, I might look like a jerk, but I'll share it anyways.

No, no, you're. I don't think so.

Well, I'll share it. It's okay. It don't matter. Well, so what happened is Martha and I were planning. I mean, it was a whole process of, like, figuring out where we're going to get married. The planning process, like, all that was a thing in itself, planning a wedding. But Martha really wanted to get married in the church first. And I was like, cool, happy to do it. And then we were going to get married like a week or two later. But we never figured out the date when we were going to get married.

And I want to interject for a second. You were so amazing when we talked to the priest about this, because you know how important it is for us also. And for me, we have this relationship also with God. Right. So it was really important. The priest did not have any availability or dates to do a formal wedding. The way the church does it, you know, for our.

We had a wedding date in Mexico. Yeah, but you wanted to get married beforehand, and he Was like, I don't know how many open dates.

And Louis helped me, and he went, if we don't get married like this, she won't feel like we're getting married. It will feel for her like we're.

Like, we're not married still.

We're not married.

We're just married in Mexico. That's not by the church, but just a ceremony with friends and family. I was telling the priest, I was like, she's not gonna feel married. Isn't that right? And you were like, yes. You were, like, tearing up. And I go, what's the chance we can make this happen any other time before we leave?

So he said, you know, okay, we can make it happen, but it's got to be very little people, because otherwise then it's an actual event. So we're going to do it. And then he threw a date, like a week.

It was today. Three months ago.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, it's February 1st.

Oh, interesting.

February 1st.

Yeah.

Three months ago.

So I want to preface this by saying.

Well, originally it was the second, and then he moved to the first, moved to the second.

I want to preface this by saying that in my previous relationship, I had, before this thing of leaving your family of origin behind and making the other person your family was a big lesson.

For me, because you didn't do it.

I didn't do this. I just didn't.

You wanted to please your parents.

I wasn't adult enough. That is the truth. To know. You know what? You are my family now. You are the. I didn't do. I didn't do this. So I think for me, you know, God is so beautiful in the way he teaches you the lessons, and he puts you little tests to see if you learned the lesson. Yeah.

So, I mean, this was a big test.

It was a big test. Yeah.

So we. We had agreed. This is the whole thing. We had agreed, okay, I'm happy to do the church wedding. It's fine. And then we'll do another one later, or whatever you want to do. I was like, whatever you want. Makes you happy. Let's do it. And then I said, okay, but my family is not coming out here for this church wedding.

Because they're all, yes, we had the other one immediately.

We had the other one a week later. And, like, we already have flights, trips planned for them. They're not going to fly for this and then fly for that. They got lives and kids, and it's like they're not here in la. And we needed witnesses for the church wedding. And I Said, okay, we each need two, right? So we can have your parents and then we can have Matt and Kendra, your best friend. Yes.

And that was the agreement.

That was the agreement. It was like months before.

Now fast forward to.

Because I was like, were you okay with us doing a church wedding where we just have a simple ceremony, two and two, and we do it here?

It was amazing.

You were like, yes.

And the priest said, yes, little people. Otherwise it was going to be an event. It was great.

It'd take us 30 minutes.

But Latino family and Latino behavior, they show up. They show up with the best intentions in the world as a surprise. The day before our wedding.

Yeah, your family.

Everybody flies. And Mommy's like, surprise.

And there was like, yeah, flowers and cakes and presents, by the way.

It was so beautiful. It's great the way they set up our house with all these different things. You just.

It's amazing. But it was like. It was like at 5 o' clock at night, I come back and I see, like, your whole family at our house, like, taking over. And I'm like.

I'm like, they didn't.

Are they coming to the wedding tomorrow? Like, what's happening?

Lewis and I had a conversation.

So I was just more like. The stress was more of like, I'm glad they're here, but no one from my family is here.

Exactly.

And so I was feeling like, oh, shoot. I feel really bad that your whole family's here to witness this. And no one from my family's gonna be here.

No one from my family.

And so I literally text my mom and call her. I said, mom, any chance you wanna come tomorrow? I'll fly you out here in the morning. It was my first thought. She was like. It was like midnight. She was like, I'm exhausted. Like, thank you for inviting me, but no. And it was never our intention to invite our families because we had invited them for the main kind of big ceremony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I was, like, grappling with this all night. And then the wedding, the church was. The wedding was like, noon, right? It was like noon the next day or one or something, 3pm I get up, I like, try to go to the gym and try to get, like, clear my mind. And I'm also thinking, oh, I'm actually getting married today. I'm like, oh, this is, like, happening. I'm like, this is real. You know, we've been preparing and I'm ready for this. But I'm like, oh, my gosh. It's like my whole life, because this.

Is what I'VE you know, discussed with girlfriends who've also gotten married. For us women, it's like the preparation to get married. We cannot know. Yeah, this is coming. This is happening. What I've heard is, for you guys, you don't get the reality. The reality check that you're getting married happens on the day you're getting married. You're like, oh, this is the day.

Yeah.

Boom. Like that.

And I was. I was. It was like a lot of emotions happening, you know, it's like, okay, my. My family's not here. Hers is here. I was like, my. All these things. I was like, my dad's not here anymore. He's not gonna be able to. All these things. I was like, oh, man, what do I do? And I was like, ah, the bigger version of me should just be like, ah, just let it be and just, like, let their whole family come and I'll be okay. I was like, I know I'll be okay. But it's. Something was inside me. I was like, gosh, something just feels off for me. And I feel. It's more like I felt sad. I felt sad.

You were sad.

I love your family, and I wanted them to be there.

Yes, I know.

But I was also just so torn that I was like, I should have invited my family there.

Yes, you were sad. You were. You're in your heart. This is the way I said you were so sad because you literally communicated to me, you know, I feel. And I was feeling so sad. Like, it was. We had such a beautiful conversation because you said, listen, how would it feel for you? Which you didn't need to tell me because I was in your shoes already. But it's like, if everybody from my family is here, and I just mean the nuclear family, it's not like 20 people flew in still. The main family. Everybody of my family is here.

And you had no one.

And you had no one. And I already knew you were struggling with what happened, because I was like. When they showed up, I was like, this is great now. Oh. So it was. I think it was beautiful the way we talked about it, because for me, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you express yourself with your emotions. I was there present with you, and I said to you, you are my family. This is literally. You are my family.

Yeah.

The sacrament of matrimony only needs three people. You, me, obviously, God, represented by the priest. Yeah, that's it. Like, we don't. We don't need the. Like, we don't need. Like, there's no. It's the opposite, yeah. It's us creating this covenant, this agreement, this is what we want in our life. So we will do whatever makes your heart feel happy. But because you're such a generous man.

I was like, I want your family to be there.

So you were conflicted. So, so I thought, how do I help us?

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You, I saw your eyes and I came into the room.

I'm like sweaty, like short T shirt. I'm laying on the bed up at 2pm I'm like, what do we do?

Yeah.

And you were literally like, we don't have to get married today. We can just.

I literally said it was so chill in that.

I was like, I was like the crazy bride. You were like, whatever you want, whatever you need. I was just like, I don't know what to do.

I know, I know.

It was Crazy.

You care so much.

I was. I was like, yeah, I was a wreck emotionally inside because I was like, if I say no to your family, I'm a jerk for the rest of my life.

No, and you were not.

But then I'm going to feel sad that my family's not here to witness this.

And for me, it was. And this is. This is part of this, the preparation that we did also. But it's also part of my heart. If you are suffering or struggling with something. I am suffering and struggling with that something. It's not a you problem versus, you know, oh, whatever. Suck it up. My family's here with. No. It's our situation to resolve together. So then I was like, I understand what's happening for him. I understand how he feels. I feel that way. I know he doesn't want to feel like he's being, you know that word you said with the family? I don't know that you're being mean to them exactly. And at the same time, all the conflictive emotions. So I said, love, you know, we have several options. We can get married in Mexico the same way. And you're like, I don't know that priest. That's not the priest that prepared us.

It was like a different priest we can find.

Exactly. And I was like, okay, listen, I think the best option is this. You and I had an agreement together, but you let me know how this sounds for you. I said, we had an agreement that we made together. We stick to the agreement. My family is very cool, meaning the extended family. I know for a fact that they're going to be happy if they just wait at home to celebrate because the marriage is not happening between my family. You and me and your family. The marriage is happening between the two of us who are creating a family right now. So I am your wife. Although I haven't signed the thing, I'm your wife. So I got your back. Don't worry about it. Take a shower. I'll talk to my family. It's all going to be okay.

Yeah. This was 2pm and we were getting married at 3. And I feel like, are you sure? I was like, yes.

And you're like, are you sure they're not going to be offended because that was this thing inside of your heart.

I just felt like they flew in for this. It was a whole thing. And they were surprising us. And I was like, it's so nice of them to do this, but we had talked for months that, like, we're just keeping it this. Otherwise I would have told My parents or my. My mom and my family to fly in as well and try to figure out something.

Absolutely.

So it just was trying to make it, like, work for both of us. And this is a great moment where you stepped up and said, I'm going to take care of my family and communicate to them we're going to do it how we originally did it. They came at the very end, so they were able to come take photos with us.

And we're still celebrated with that.

We celebrate. They were. They were outside.

Mom and dad were there, which was the original.

And this was probably the most most sacred moment of my life because there was no one in the church except for the priest. Your parents, Matt and Kendra and their two, like, innocent kids on the alt. Like, the altar with the priest just having this intimate conversation. If we. If we have photos, we'll put them up on the video to show some of these. And it was like you could hear God. It was so.

We felt it, right? It was like you.

You could hear and feel this, like, presence that was so. So raw and vulnerable and powerful. And it's just like, wow. The priest said, in what, 30 years of doing the. Of weddings, thousands of weddings, he's like, I've never experienced a wedding like this. And so he invited the four people that we had to come up and be all together in a circle. And just.

It was like this.

It was just like a little spiritual hug circle. I don't know. It was crazy. And it was so powerful. And I was like, gosh, this is exactly the way it needed to be. If there was more, people would have been more, like, performative. It'd been like, okay, we'll look back at our family and friends and not. It had been more of, like, a performance. It's not bad. It's just. This was like, the center of what was happening was so. Was building a foundation of us. And then a week later, we did the. You know, the whole celebration with friends and family, and it was like mariachi and bands and freaking donkeys. And it was like the whole thing in Mexico, which was like the monkey that they. It was incredible dancers. It was like the food. It was like a Mexican fiesta. It was incredible. But I think it wouldn't have been as fun had we not done the church wedding a week before. Yeah, because I felt relaxed, you know, during. During the celebration with friends and family. I was like, we're having fun. Maybe it's a little bit of, like, right before getting married. It was like, a little nerves, but it was like I was playing pickleball in the morning.

You were.

I was like, yeah, we're having fun.

So you stayed in the suite. As I was getting ready, I was.

In the pool, and all the team.

Were like, is here.

I know, because we can't pull out.

The dress and other thing. It's so funny.

But it was very. It was like a celebration. It was fun. It didn't feel stressful at all.

No.

And.

And I think, in a way, it was so beautiful that that happened.

Yeah.

Because again, I feel like it was. It was both a gift and a test wrapped together.

It was like a test for you. It's a test for both of us. Because. Because I like to. I want to. I want to please people. I want people to feel good. It's like, I don't want people to be, like, angry at me. And especially on our wedding day, it's like, if they flew in for this and I'm the jerk, it says, no, you can't come. I didn't want that. But you were like, you know what? You're. You're right. We should make this about us.

It is about us.

And stick to our agreements. And I was like, well, I need to be more flexible. And it's not really that big a deal, but if we don't speak up and use our voice when we've created agreements in a relationship, then we're going to have little resentments, you know, that carry with us for a long time.

And so many. So many couples, whether they're married or not yet, but, like, so many couples struggle with that part of, like, in what moment I set a loving boundary with my family to say, listen, this is the person I'm choosing as right now becoming my family. So many wedding stories that people can tell us in the comments, you know, like, oh, in this, you know, experience this happened in the wedding, or, oh.

Yeah, a lot of drama besides the.

Drama at the wedding. Wait, you are creating a family together?

Yes.

You know?

Yeah. And so literally, I had two. I remember I looked at my watch at 2:30. I got in the shower, and we got married at three. Isn't that crazy? And I was like, I didn't know what I was gonna wear. I was like, you were kind of already, like, your hair was already done, your makeup was already done. Like, I think you just had to put a dress on.

And also, we left together. You saw me in the dress. We did everything different, by the way. Since the beginning of dating, we've done everything.

It was. It was kind of like, I Don't know how I got ready this fast. I showered in five minutes. I was like, do I even have a suit? Do I have to iron it? I was like, I just put on a suit and a tie. And then I was like, frantically, like, we gotta go running to the. The. The church. And then we pull up, like, five minutes. I don't know how we got there on time. And we pull up, and even then.

You said, could you text your family and tell them to. To come?

I said, tell them to come and, like, be outside or come. I said, come towards the end.

Right before. Towards the end.

I said, like, come to the end so they can see us walking out. Because I was like, I'll just have them come, you know, just have them come. Like, let's make it a win. Win. And they ended up coming. They end up coming in. Like, we got to do photos afterwards together and celebrate.

We were dancing in the.

Yeah, but it was like, I was stressed right before. We, like, walked down the aisle together and we walked down the. We walked down the aisle together to the thing, and again, there was no one in there. There's no one. It was just like.

Which also, in a way, although it was not traditional, it was meaningful because it also happened so quickly. We hadn't even thought about how we're gonna walk. So we walk hand in hand together as two adults.

Yes.

Towards, like, in the aisle.

Your parents were there and Matt and Kendra there. And the priest in the middle.

And the priest and the cross in the middle. And we were walking on our own choice.

Oh, man.

I was, like, together, bawling, making this beautiful decision.

It's beautiful. Yeah, that was a beautiful. So it was a beautiful thing that we did that. And the whole family of origin part.

Yes.

If we hadn't have gone through that, whatever, six months before, whatever it was and talked about these things, maybe we wouldn't have been able to come together in that moment.

And then, you know what happens later? You resented for life.

For life. You hold on to stuff, and you hold on, or you hold on to it until you forgive it, but then you're like, I wish I would have stood up for what I wanted to do. Or I wish they didn't do this, or I wish my parents. Whatever it is, you. It just gets messy. And I think because we have this foundation of understanding our origin story and how we want to create our family. I'm like, have your family come over every day. I'm like, you know, have them come every weekend. Have them stay the night. Like, I love being around them.

Yes.

It's not like I'm like, get away from me.

I love you very much.

I'm like, this is awesome. You know, obviously, we have boundaries, but it's like, because I know you've got our back in the relationship, I'm like, yeah, come over as much as you want. Because I don't feel like they're intruding in our marriage. You know, they're adding. They're enriching our marriage. They're supportive, they're having fun with us. We're having experiences. But it's like, if they go on a trip, we don't have to go with them every time. It's like, we choose what we want to do and vice versa. If my family's, like, inviting to something, you don't have to do something, because whatever. So this whole family of origin thing was powerful, and it almost makes me want to be around your family more, but also know, like, oh, if I'm somewhere, like, we can leave at some time with your family. And it's like, I don't feel bad.

Because, you know, my family of origin is very accepting with you too. Like, I remember the first few times you were hanging out with them, you were like, in the middle of everything, because we talk forever as Latinos. You were like, I'm getting sleepy. It was like, go take a nap.

It was late. It was like we were there all day for something, and I was like, I was exhausted.

Yeah.

I go. I don't know if I'm like, Had two cups of coffee. I was like, I think I need to, like, go in the car.

Yeah, go ahead. No. I said no. Go upstairs to the room and take a nap.

Sure.

You sure your parents are not gonna be offended that I'm leaving to just take a nap in the middle? I was like, why? Just be.

Well, because in previous relationships, it was like, unless you're present for the whole weekend activities, it's like, you're a bad partner.

But this is when you introduce the must thing in the relationship. You. You must do this thing. You should do these things, like, the rules in a relationship constrict the relationship, you know, literally. And so we. You and I have.

Yeah. Rules. We don't have rules. We have agreements.

Agreements.

And these agreements create freedom because it allows us to essentially say, this is what we have agreed on. So if I'm not doing something we agreed on or you're not doing something for whatever reason, remember our agreements. And is there a reason why you don't want Are we creating a new agreement now because you don't want to do that anymore? If so, we both have to agree. It can't just be. This is the way it needs to be, and you have to accept it. It needs to be. We both need to agree. Otherwise, why are we in a relationship if we can't agree on things?

Yeah.

Or if we can't agree to be okay with how we do things differently. It's like, I don't know, maybe you don't like something I do. But you're like, okay, I'm okay that you're gonna do that. I don't like it, but I'm agreeing that that's how you are.

I don't know.

I don't even know what happened.

I don't know. I was thinking what. What I was thinking, but it's just.

Making sure that we're in alignment with agreements. And the next thing is couple communication.

Yes. Which is a big one.

Which I can't remember everything they talked about with this, but I think a lot of it was around, like, creating agreements and making sure when there's a disagreement.

Especially that part when there's a disagreement.

And when there's a disagreement, it means you haven't agreed on something yet. There shouldn't be disagreements. Like, we don't really disagree unless it's a new thing we haven't talked about.

Right.

Then I'm like, I don't see it that way. And you're like, well, I actually see it this way. Then we have a disagreement. Right. We aren't in agreement yet.

Yeah.

And this whole couple communication thing is. You talk about this a lot. It's having curiosity. It's like, let me speak with curiosity and say, huh? Why do you think this way?

Why do you think rather than thinking like a victim or that your partner is doing something. Malevolence behind your back or in front.

Of you, or just that they have a belief that's wrong or bad or something.

Exactly. It's like, it's always. Try your best to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. I was talking to a girlfriend about this recently, and I was saying, haven't you noticed that when you have a best friend, a best guy friend or a best girlfriend, if they do something, you usually don't think badly. You think, oh, he was tired. Oh, he forgot to call me. Oh, she. Whatever. All these things. Why is it that we don't do the exact same thing for our partners?

It's true.

Think about it. Like, I'm sure, you know, I Don't know, like our friends can do things and well for us, you know, because we've set our foundation differently. But it usually happens that way that you did. You get offended because this person did these things, the person you're dating. Whereas you would never get offended if it was your best friend doing it.

That's true.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know. Matt always says this to me. He's like, I don't know why. I just never get upset when you do certain things. But other people would make me upset or something. You know, it's like if they did certain things.

Do you know what I think it is?

Tell me.

I think because the stakes are higher.

With love, with love, with intimacy, with.

Like the relationship you have about yourself that is projected on the other person. So. Meaning your best friend can't forget it was your birthday that morning. Right. And tell you later, dude, I forgot. Happy birthday. And you're gonna be totally cool. Ah, no problem. Whatever. But if your partner forgets that it was your birthday or anniversary that morning.

See, you didn't remind me. It was our three month anniversary. I'm the one who told you. No, I'm just kidding.

What does that say about me and about how much this person actually, actually loves me?

Right?

And it makes you doubt about your worth, Your. Your worth. Literally your worth. So then it makes you realize, wait, the stakes are higher because I am putting my self worth in the hands of my partner. You don't do that with your best friends or friends. You don't put your self worth in those unless, you know, whatever. I don't know really codependent friendship relationships, but you really don't. So I think, I think that's one of the reasons. So if we can bring a little bit of that mindset of a friendship into the relationship and say in that case he forgot because this is part of his personality. He forgets dates and this is who he is. And that has nothing to do with me or what it means to our relationship. If he's going to call me. You know what? This is another thing. If it's so important for you to celebrate that anniversary and speak up about it and your husband forgot about it, there's nothing wrong with you reminding your husband, hey, tomorrow's anniversary, she's going to let you, you want maybe him to do something special, Remind him a week before. There's nothing wrong with it.

I think you do this really well because I also grew up not really celebrating a lot of things. Like I didn't throw parties for my birthday. It wasn't like. It's just not how I was raised or trained to, like, let's celebrate every moment in our life, every anniversary, every year.

And as Mexicans.

Everything'S a celebration.

Celebration. Yes.

And so it's also learning to accept. And I think you do this well. You say, listen, you had a big guest on this week. You. You've launched, you completed your book, whatever it is, let's go celebrate and go out to dinner this weekend. So you say it like a week in advance, and you say, I want us to celebrate and have a celebration.

And I even said to you sometimes, just choose a date. What day works? Yes, let's do that.

And you say what you want. I wouldn't be doing that. I want to be thinking, like, I'm just like, all right, I completed this thing, or I launched my book. Let's relax and hang out, and then on to the next thing. And so if you want something, you have to communicate it. And you have to understand what is your couple. Communication.

Yes.

And we do things differently from our past. And if we're joining a family and creating a family, we're going to create communication on what we both want moving forward. And it also means I may not want to celebrate every person's birthday, which is five a week, and we're not going to every event, and we're not doing a celebration all the time. But it also means when you want to celebrate something you communicated to me, and I plan to, like, celebrate those moments. And I'm like, okay, this is not something I normally do, but she wants to do this this weekend. Let's plan it. Cool. I'm in. Because we're creating a family together. So it's not like a compromise. It's more about communication of what we want and making sure we're both in alignment. And the next thing is conflict resolution. When we're not in alignment on something, it's really learning how to resolve friction, resolve disagreements, resolve moments of stress or overwhelm or like, hey, we're not seeing nii.

Yeah.

And I think a lot of it starts with conflict resolution. Is identifying the issue now also identifying the issue first. What is the issue? Is the issue that you don't love me right now? No, the issue is you're struggling with something that's happening and you want to feel safe, you know, or whatever it might be. And it's talking about how can we come to a resolution around this thing? How can we create peace around it so you feel good. And I feel good.

Yeah.

Because if you don't feel good around something, the relationship isn't good and vice versa. So it needs to be. But I can't, you know, be a martyr and then only make you feel good, and then I never feel good. Right. I need to be. We need to both be in agreement that, okay, this works for me. Yeah, maybe I don't love this thing, but it works for me, and I'm at peace with it. And we've come to an agreement.

Yes.

And that is learning how to have conscious conflict resolution. And that's not where you're saying, that's stupid or you're wrong or ah. Screaming. It's saying, all right, let's work through this problem. Why do you feel this way? Why do I feel this way? What doesn't work for you? What doesn't work for me? What does work for you? What does work for me? Okay, is there a way we can come together on this? And I think always reminding ourselves, you know, when. When there's a moment of confusion, how can we stay connected and, like, continue, like, holding hands? How can we listen? You know, something I like to do is read your mind and speak for you. You know, start a sentence, and I'm like, I already know what you're gonna say. This, this, and this, this. Let's just get to the point.

It's very entertaining to me sometimes because I'm mid sentence. And then you complete what you think I'm going to say, and you respond to the thing you thought.

Most of the time, I'm right, though.

I would say, like, 80% of the time.

Well, I'm also a personality that's like, I want to get to the resolution now. I don't want to hear stories and go through every little thing of this thing. I'm like, I understand what you're feeling. Let's get to it.

So how do we process our feelings?

Talking about telling stories over and over, which is okay, but it's again, understanding and accepting through conflict resolution of, like, all right, I get to learn to be more patient and listen more as opposed to guessing what you're going to say. You bring the stories down a little bit because you're a storyteller. So it's like, you just shorten them a little bit so that I can have more patience.

No, and there's also something really. I think it's important that we apply. That is really good. Again, the first step for conflict resolution is try your best not to take it personal. Whatever is going on that The. The other person did that you felt offended or that you felt. Whichever emotion that you're feeling, rejected or not seen or any of these things is, like, most likely has nothing to do about you.

Right.

Right. And so when any of us brings up something to the table, it's more in the way of, like, okay, first I'm going to tell you all the things that I appreciate about you.

This is what I said. We were in Hawaii a couple years ago.

Yeah.

And we had, like, maybe it's like our first argument or something that we had.

Yeah.

And it was like an hour of struggle. And I was like, why aren't we getting to a resolution quickly? Like, it should be, you know, and it's like, maybe our first one in, like, a couple years or something.

Because men want to fix things quickly. That's. We want to discuss what.

And this is what I. This is what I said early on. I said, listen, you. We can have as many uncomfortable conversations as you want. Like, if something is bothering you, I always want you to bring it to me. If something is on your heart or your mind, even if it's irrational, bring it to me and let's talk about it. And I said, what works for me is not just coming to me after we're in Hawaii and we're in this beautiful place and I've taken you out to dinner and we took a walk on the beach and, I don't know, bought you some bikini or whatever it is. And it's like, I'm invested in this beautiful trip for us to have this amazing vacation. And then out of the blue, there's something on your heart or your mind. I can't remember.

I can't remember.

But here's the thing.

It was about candles.

Okay. I don't even remember what it was.

It was the silliest thing.

It doesn't even matter what it is. But it's more about, like. But for whatever reason, it was like you were on this thing for, like, I don't know, maybe it was an hour. It wasn't like you were blowing up, but I just felt underappreciated. And all I was thinking about. She's talking about candles or whatever it was you were talking about.

So easy. And I think it's really good to. And how you dissect it a little.

You're talking about something that I didn't do that you wanted. Right. It's like you wanted me to have.

Candles out or, I don't know, you felt. Because this is the way you expressed later when we talked about it, that I was bringing up something because you were not doing enough of that something. And I just wanted to have a romantic night with candles.

Right.

And at that moment, you said, candles feel like the movies to me.

That's true.

They feel like. I don't like that you're faking something. Like, what's up with the candles? Right.

And it feels inorganic.

It feels inorganic.

It feels inauthentic. It feels like.

It feels so romantic to me.

It feels like I want to throw up in my mouth.

Yes. But the thing is, like, we're in.

Hawaii, walking on the beach to the sunset. This is. I am romance, you know?

Precisely because we were in Hawaii and on the beach, you wanted more, I wanted the candles. It was just about the candles.

And I'm like, we have roses. We had flowers in the room. We had already had all this stuff, you know?

The point is, a conflict is not really about the candles. It's not really about picking up the mail.

No.

Or cleaning the kitchen. It's what's underneath. That's what's happening.

Of course.

So what was. What was underneath? To me, I wanted to create a moment of intimacy. Right. I wanted to share with each other a special, special intimate moment, like trying something a little bit different, you know, just with the candles. Yes. And for you. And at that moment, it was my lack of communication. The way you received it is, oh, my God. She's not seeing all of the things that I do right now.

Yeah, she's.

I pay for this trip. There's beautiful sunsets.

There's, like, flowers and chocolate and this and that.

There's all these things that we're experiencing the most beautiful place in the world.

And she's over here talking sandals, like.

What is this exactly? I'm like, but underneath, you felt unappreciated. That's what was happening underneath.

And what I told you is, I said all I need. I said, you can tell me everything you want or anything you don't like about something or you want more of all these things. But for me, what's going to work for me is if all you have to do is talk about what you're grateful for first or what you appreciate about what I've already been doing. And if you can come to me and say, gosh, I really appreciate. You don't have to, like, do a long list of everything, but just, like, I really appreciate how you take care of me and that you brought us here, it can be as simple as that. You don't have to say I'm grateful for how you did this today. And this. You don't have to give me a list of everything. Even though there's a lot of things. What I have to say is, like, I just really appreciate how you do this.

I love this because sometimes it's really. You describe this.

There is a lot of things.

I start saying a lot of things.

So all you have to do is say a few things of like, man, I really appreciate these things that you do, and I appreciate how you take care of us, and I appreciate that we've went on this beautiful dinner last night, and we went on a walk on the beach today, and you were really taking time to, like, make this trip special.

Yeah.

And.

And I'd like to try this thing.

That's it.

That's it. That's it.

Then add. And I'd love to try this thing. Or do you think. Do you think we can get some flowers tonight or we can get some candles, too? I think it'd be really fun.

Yes. For me in the process. Sorry to interrupt.

Yes.

As I was trying to explain yourself, where I was coming from, the longer the conversation, the faster you wanted to fix it, and the faster you wanted to fix it, the faster I felt like I needed to express where I really was coming from, which was not of making you wrong, which was not of being unappreciative, which was more of like, I just thought it'd be really cool to do this. That's where I was coming from. But because. Because you are at that moment, because this happens in conflict, you were so focused on trying to fix it very quickly. I felt unseen, and you were feeling unappreciated, and that was what's happening underneath in reality. So I'm so glad that happened, because then after it happened, we both had this conversation and saying, love, I understand now where you're coming from, but for me, it just sinks in differently. And kindly, if you tell me in this specific way, and I was like, okay. And then when I tell you in that specific way, which I understand, because, like, otherwise, it sounds to you like I'm not appreciating everything that you do already, I also would like to try these things and would like to express to you why. Right.

And conflict resolution is a powerful thing because you can learn how to be in better relationship with your partner.

Yes.

And even though it takes these moments of stress or overwhelm or conflict in order for you to then have the conversation and say, hey, when this happens again, here's what I would love for us to try. And that's why I say to you, you can have as many uncomfortable conversations as you want with me. You can bring stuff up you don't like, you can say you disagree, whatever it is, and we can have that conversation. I guess there's only like two. Two agreements that I like to have. One is don't have it when I put my head on the bed.

Yes.

So once I'm in bed, my head shuts off and I can't have these uncomfortable conversations. It's really challenging. Unless there's like a crisis. Then, okay, let's, let's wake back up and let me be here for you. Like if you're having.

That's. By the way, I want to say that is such a beautiful adaptation we did together of that. Because we, we have that agreement that we've made together. You know what? After 11pm and it's true, like one has to choose whenever to say something. So if your husband is just about to leave out the door in 10 minutes to go to work and you bring up a start something and then you're upset because he had to leave. Oh my God, he left me because. No, why did he.

Don't care about this. This is important. Are you leaving to work and you're not.

Yeah, exactly.

Choose where you're going with your friends right now. You don't want to listen to me.

It's like, but I have the tickets already for the game. What do you mean?

When you resign. So it's learning how to bring up conflict at the right times. And it doesn't mean you have to like abandon yourself and wait weeks and months. It's just figure out, okay, when can we. And also saying, hey, there's something on my mind I want to talk about today that's bothering me. When it's a good time for you.

Exactly. And you make a date.

It doesn't need to be when you want it to be. Your partner has to agree to receive the conversation also. So something's really on your heart and mind. And if they say, oh, actually I want to resolve this now, so I'm going to cancel my thing because it doesn't work for me to like wait five hours, then that's on you now saying, I'm going to cancel this thing and give you what you need, or when I get back from this event or this game, then we can talk about it. Or tomorrow morning is better. It's like finding a time within like 24, 48 hours. I think is, is good. So the person isn't waiting to share this thing. And you're saying, I value your struggle enough to say, when do we want to talk about it? For us, we don't really have many of these conversations. But I'm also just like, it's. And I said to you. Because there was a couple times we had conversations late at night where I was just like, I'm exhausted. And you're like, you're not being present. You're falling asleep. And I'm like, it's midnight. What do you want me to do? And so the next day, I'm like, we need to make a new agreement. This isn't working. Let's agree. Can we agree? No tough conversations after 10pm and now it's like when my head hits the bed. Can we not have a conversation that's tough? Like, that's the time where we can talk about what we're grateful for and wind down. And it works for us.

That's the thing. I want to say something that I think is very important. All the things that we are sharing right now are things that work for us.

Yes.

Because I think all the agreements a relationship has, and any relationship has to be tailored for them.

Yes.

Every person. That's what I love about our relationship, is tailored for us. Maybe certain agreements that we have for a woman that has a more sensitive nervous system, maybe they wouldn't work. You know, maybe they need different agreements that can work for them.

But. You got it. But then the man has to be okay with the agreement they're making. Don't be upset at the agreement. Like, don't make the agreement if you're not in alignment with it.

Right. And then the other thing is that these agreements are also negotiable, which is why I was grateful that you say, except there's a crisis, because we had a situation that there was a crisis. Yeah.

Then I came and I woke up.

In the middle of the night. And you were like, no, we have this agreement at that moment. And I was like, but my grandpa just died.

And if there's a safe word, if there's something like, this is a crisis. I need you to wake up. Then you know, you're not crying wolf.

Yes.

Like once a week, there's like. It's like, no, this is actually something happening. And I'm like, okay, I'm awake. And it's like adrenaline mode. What do you need? I'm here.

I have a question for you. What would you say? Let's say there's a man and his wife or partner. Fiance. Has Breakdowns almost every single day. And they want the man to be available every single moment. Like what?

Would you be careful who you marry?

Okay.

Choose wisely who you marry or accept this, who they are. I mean, it's like if you've been with someone for a year, two, three, four years, and you get married to them, you cannot expect them to change overnight into someone you want them to be. You have to accept who you're marrying, meaning have these conversations beforehand, understand who they are. Hopefully you get to know 90 to 95% of the person's personality within a two to three year window.

Yeah.

There's probably stuff I'll never fully know about you. There's always going to be things I'm going to learn about you. But 95% of you, I understand because I've witnessed so much of your time and experiences together.

Yeah.

And before getting engaged, before getting married, I said, okay, I'm choosing to accept this about you. It doesn't mean I love everything about you, like little nuances that maybe like annoy me or something, but I've. It doesn't bother me necessarily because I've chosen to accept it. And just this is who you are. And I could also say, I'm sure there's things that I do that you're like, okay, that maybe kind of annoys you, but you chosen to accept me. So it doesn't bother you.

Right.

It's not like, stop doing that. I don't like that. Well, this is the person you married and this is the person you chose to accept. If you didn't like who I was, you shouldn't have gotten married to me. Now also on top of that, we know that we're in a growth mindset relationship. So we're both in agreement that we're going to strive to continue to improve individually and together. And it doesn't mean every day we're not going to be perfect ever, but every day we're going to be willing to, you know, I'm going to take a look at that and reflect on it.

Yeah.

And if something's horribly bothering you, I don't want that. So what can I do to try to create a new agreement in this space without feeling like I have to change who I am to please you? And I think that process of just a willingness that we are willing to grow, look at things, reflect, because nothing's going to be perfect. But we have accepted who we are and that acceptance is the foundation. And because of that, we can have these conflict resolution conversations when we are Struggling with something we can say, what's an agreement we can make around this? And we're going to continue to make agreements for the future. You know, it's going to be new things that we'd have to agree on that come up in our life. It's not like, oh, we have these five agreements and we're good. No, it's. It's going to evolve. It's good. And some agreements may shift and change. Like, it's going to keep evolving. And I think that has been the thing because we accept each other. And I, and I said this early on, I go, you know, you can. You can be upset at me. You can have, you know, these challenging conversations. You can say whatever you want, but you have to accept me. You have to accept who I am, because I'm not changing to please you.

Yeah.

I need to make sure that I'm happy with me and you are happy with me. And if you're not happy with me or if I'm not happy with you, then that's a me thing or a you thing. You know, it's not. You don't need to change. I need to change the way I look at you and perceive you and learn to continue to accept you. Because you're going to evolve and shift and change and adapt in life, and.

So am I. I love what you're saying because it really, you know, adding to that and. But it's part of the same subject, is when. When you are trying, when you're struggling with something about the person you're with over and over and over again is because underneath that you wish they would change that.

Yes.

That's what it is. And when you learn to accept the entire person, not just falling in love with these parts of the person. The entire person. Okay. She is fantastic in all these different ways. However, she has a very thin nervous system and everything makes her break down. That's the person you're with and either.

Accept her or don't be with her.

Exactly. Because then the frustration that comes sometimes is not even about the person. It's about your wanting to change the person. And that creates a frustration because things are not the way you want them to be.

Yeah.

And. And then you're gonna suffer.

You're gonna suffer. And so. And listen, we've both done this in the past in previous relationships where we didn't. We weren't accepted. We didn't accept the people. We wanted people to change. They wanted us to change. And it's just stressful. Just doesn't feel Good.

And so doesn't mean that throughout the relationship there's ways in you can grow together.

Yes.

You know, but. But it's is walking next to each other to create that space as well. Like if there is a woman or a man with a very, you know, a nervous system that is breaking down and needs a lot of reassurance all the time and everything, you know, is again, talk about the issue together. How can I support you with this issue? You know, I've noticed this about you. Is there any way I can bring support in our life to create a better, like a better life experience. Experience for the both of us? Because I see you struggle. So then it becomes also my struggle. How do we do this together?

Yeah, a big thing that people fight about and one of the main causes of breakups and divorces is around money conversations, money problems, money issues. And so one of the next things in the process we took for the premarital counseling was around finances and creating just a sample budget sheet. And I think this is more than just like a one time conversation. This is something that we talked about over and over again.

You can do a whole episode just in that.

Oh yeah, we could and we will. I mean, Ramit Sethi has a great book that's like I will teach you to be rich from for couples or something like that. I can't remember the name of it, but we've gone through that again. Eight Dates talks about like money stuff. We had like a whole date in this eight dates book by the Gottmans which was around money and like it asks us, I think like 50 questions that we both answer to each other about money. Yes to making sure we're in alignment.

Your relationship with money. You may have a different relationship with money than, than I do.

Everyone has a different relationship with money. And so you might have similarities within your partner. Yeah, but you're going to have differences also. And again, it's learning to accept the person. And one of the things we talked about in here was like the debts you have. The debts I have, we didn't have any debts. But it's like, it's something you talk about is like, is there debt? How are you going to handle this? How does that make you feel? If the partner has that? Whose responsibility is that? Are you merging finances? Who's paying for what? Like these things that you just don't think about that maybe you assume and maybe you think, oh, the man's going to pay for these things and I'm not going to pay for anything when I'M married. Or maybe you say, we're going to split it 50, 50. Or I've been a big entrepreneur, I'm going to take on the responsibility.

And then two years later you're married, and then one of the two is resentful. You never discuss these things.

Never discuss it.

Or. And you. Or you find out, oh, wait, what? You had all this debt and you never told me, like, all of these. I think it's information that is important at a. When you're dating. I think there's a, there's a moment.

I mean, we talked about this when we're dating, before engaged, you know, and I think that's. For me, I was wanting to go through a lot of this stuff when we were dating because I was like, why get engaged and then break it off? Like, oh, telling your friends and family in the world, oh, we got engaged and then it didn't work out six months later because we didn't have these conversations. Yes, you don't have to.

We had them before getting engaged.

Yes, we did. Eight dates before.

Eight dates. Let's.

Which went into money. And I was making sure. Are we in alignment now? It doesn't mean we went through whose accounts are where and where are we merging money? It wasn't that, but it was like, are we in alignment on money? You know, there's like 50 questions through the date that we went through on, like, money.

Yeah.

And each person has to answer the question. And then if we have a different answer, it was like, okay, why do you really feel about this? How do I feel about this? Are you okay? If we did it this way and we got to an alignment on a lot of these things and it was like, okay, yeah, I'm okay with this and you're okay with this. Okay, cool. But if we have a big disagreement around money before getting engaged and we don't resolve that, it's just going to create more stress and chaos and pain for people in engagement, in marriage because they think they love each other. But I think marriage, again, we're three months in, so we're not experts in this, but I think it is about creating peace and creating harmony within alignment on values, vision, and lifestyle. Rather than, do I love this person and does this person love me? Because that's going to be enough. I just don't think that's enough for people.

No, it's not enough.

And, you know, I've been working on this book the last few years, Make Money Easy, which was all about healing your relationship with money. And I think when each individual goes through that process of creating, healing their relationship with money, you have more peace and harmony coming together as well, because you don't have fears, anxieties, limitations blocking you from feeling free with money.

Also, you know what else? It's good to read that book together. Huge. Your book, like, as couples read it together, because a bunch of the questions and examples that you come up in the book, you can share with each other. So it helps to share what the experience of money is being for each other, and then it helps you to understand your partner.

Yeah.

Because what's underneath any fight of money for, you know, for a lot of people is trust, for example, you know, appreciation. There's another one, you know, oh, I buy her all these different things and then. But she does.

All she does is complain, complain and.

All this, and she just doesn't care. So she's not valuing my effort.

Yeah, yeah.

Not valuing my job. Not valuing what I bring to the table for the both of us. So it's. It's feeling unappreciated underneath. Or he's not sharing any of his finances. Why? You know, it's weird what's going on. Oh, well, it's. It's a matter of trust.

Or he's cheap or he's. Whatever it is.

Yeah, it's a matter of trust. So there's deeper things underneath what the conflict about money is.

Yeah. And if you guys want. If you guys want us to do a whole episode on. On money and relationships, let us know in the comments below.

Also, because in that whole episode, we can talk about the prenup. Oh, yeah, we can talk about. Oh, my God, it's such a big.

Process, the whole process. So if you want more of that or you have problems with that, let us know in the comments below. So that was just part of it. Again, this could be a whole weeks for people to go through from that. Then we went over married intimacy.

Oh, my God, that was so beautiful and so important.

And I can't remember that part, but what was the main part of it?

So the main thing about. The main thing about intimacy in married couples, which is beautiful, is that one of the things is that we think marriage is a finish line. Oh, we got there great. Now she's my wife. Forget about the lover. When it's like, you know what? Before we got there, I was getting ready for you to go out on a date. You were getting ready for me to go out on a date. We would go on a date together. We'd make it Fun, joyful, special.

Yeah, it's also, I was taking care of my health before. You were taking care of your health before. And you can't just let go of yourself because you're married now. It's like taking care of your health, taking care of your mind, getting ready for each other to go out and experience life and go on dates. Like all those things. Things.

Yeah. The way they, they talk about it in the workshop also. Is that because a lot of people think, oh, if you're in a Christian workshop or in a Catholic workshop, it's like, you never talk about sex. We should never. That's. No, they talk about it because they tell you your husband and your wife is there to enjoy each other. That is literally another avenue of God's love for you that is there for you. So there's the way to build intimacy. Has everything to do with everything we discussed before. You're not gonna feel like you want to be intimate with me if I'm complaining about you all day long. If I'm complaining about the life we have all day long. If you feel unappreciated, you're gonna be like, I don't even know if I want this. Or maybe you just want that. And then you'll be like, because I don't want. You know, it's all encompassing everything. And it's an opportunity and a gift that God gives us to enjoy each other's love in a physical way. And it is as important as the other ones also knowing that it will change and evolve in times and all these different things.

So it's like, what happens if the woman doesn't want to have sex as much as the man?

What happens? Yeah, well, you probably have to ask her why, like, what's happening with you? What's going on? It may not have anything to do with a man. Most likely something's going on for her. And so you can, like, you can, with curiosity, you know, address the woman and say, hey, I love connecting with you this way. So it's not about sex perception per se. It's about intimacy. I love connecting with you this way. I feel loved when we have, you know, when we're intimate with each other. And I'm starting to feel.

Less disconnected.

I'm starting to feel disconnected. And that's a beautiful way to connect with you. It's interesting because I don't want to be like, men are like this and women are like this. However, there are certain things that we are different. This is a reality. And for men, what I've Heard from you is like looking for that connection. When you are intimate with your partner, you feel more connected. Right. And for us, in order for us to feel intimate with our partner, we need to feel emotionally connected first. So it's almost like, which one's the first? Like chicken out of the egg. But in reality, it's a complement of each other. In that way. You feel you. You feed the emotional connection and you feel the physical connection one and another, and they go in like this, in a circle. But why would you think a woman wouldn't want to have intimacy with their partner?

Feels disconnected, you mean?

Ask the woman?

Probably, I don't know, she feels disconnected or she feels undervalued or underappreciated or something's off, somebody's off, for some reason doesn't feel attracted to the man or feels resentful or feel. I mean, a number of things.

You know, there's an interesting thing that I've learned recently that you know how there is harmful machismo. You know what? Machismo. Right. Am I saying it right? Yeah, yeah. There's also harmful. I know, but I'm saying a machismo. But I don't know if it means the same thing. It means the same thing here. Macho, machismo. There's harmful machismo, and there's also harmful feminism. Like, I believe this. And when you as a woman, you start thinking that your power over your man has to do with sex and how much you give it to him or not and when and only when you want to and all of that stuff, you are creating the biggest prison ever. And it's a version of control.

Yeah.

Manipulation is manipulation. Absolutely. And man. Yeah. And so I think that part is important to, you know.

So women shouldn't control sex with the man they're married to?

No.

You shouldn't manipulate them or say, I'm not giving it to you or not now?

No, I don't think so.

Why? What happens when that happens?

Because you're falling into the trap of control, as in anything else in life.

That's not love.

That's not love. You are saying, I have this thing that you want, so therefore, I'm above you right now and you're here. So unless you do this and this and this and that, I'll do this.

Oh, man.

And that's going to make the man resentful.

Exhausting.

It's going to be exhausting. And you are not realizing this, but you are making yourself a thing.

How so?

How so? But you're saying this is a thing.

This is what you value. And you're not going to give me.

Yes, this is what I'm going to put my value into as a woman. It's going to be my body. So then, therefore, that's the value. And so there you go. You're only going to have it when I want to, how I want to. Great. It's fantastic. You look great right now. What's going to happen when you're 60, 70? Are you really, you are going to be continuing to make the effort of. Put your value on the physical aspect of you. You're not building for long term.

Wow.

This is why I think it's like.

It'S also you when you, when you make a. A sacrament of matrimony. If you're getting married, I guess maybe if you're not in a relationship, but if you're getting married and you're saying, I'm choosing to only be with you and to be sacred with you, and someone says, no, you can't have it for a week or weeks or months or whatever, like, what do you think is going to happen?

Someone's going to be like, break the relationship between.

But it's like if you're forcing someone now, if there's something medical or something else that's happening.

Oh, yes, it's different.

But I'm talking about if you're having power and control over the person and saying, no, you can't have this right now until you do this or this or whatever. Unless you've broken trust in some way, like, and the person really needs time to heal, that's different. But if it's just like, you're not listening to me, you're not going to get this, some petty thing. I mean, if it's.

Sometimes it doesn't come that way. Sometimes it comes in like. Like, I'm tired.

Yeah, exactly.

The kids are so much this and this and that, you know, but you're building a gap.

You're building a gap and you're, you know, it doesn't matter how disciplined the partner is. You're with. You spend six months doing that, a year doing that, they start to be like, man, their mind's going to wander. You know, no matter how disciplined they are, it doesn't mean they're going to cheat. But you're not setting your relationship up for success. You're setting it up for more of an ability for someone else to get in or distractions or whatever it might be. And so you just got to be mindful of that. You've got to be really mindful. I think otherwise. Or just communicate. Hey, I'm not really feeling right now and something's going on my body and I just need, like a couple weeks or whatever it is. I was just gonna say communicating it. Hey, I'm going through stuff right now. But there's other ways we can be intimate. Like, I don't want us to lose the intimacy.

Other ways to be intimate.

And.

And the thing is that it is true sometimes all of the things that I just mentioned. I'm tired. The kids and all. We don't have kids yet, but I know, exactly. It's. You could. You can be exhausted at certain times. It's not those things. But when the gap is too.

When it's manipulation, though, it's more like power.

When it's manipulation.

Yeah.

Or when it's too much, that gap is actually too much. And then it becomes a little bit dangerous. Because. Because also, I think, like I said, when you. When. Like you said, also, when you're creating this covenant of marriage, you are committing yourself to that person. You are. You are.

Otherwise, don't get married.

Exactly. You're committing to yourself to that person. But if that person is not fulfilling their vows.

Yeah.

Because being intimate with each other is part of fulfilling the vows. When that person is not fulfilling their vows, I think it leads to a conversation with a therapist, with a priest, with somebody that can guide you to that. You know, there's something deeper happening in there that we don't know what it is, because we don't, you know, and.

That'S why I go back to, you know, the beginning of, like, knowing that we both had a growth mindset or a reflective mindset. It's like, hey, I'm willing to look at myself in the mirror. If something's off, say, how can I improve? Or how can I take a look at this and see things differently and find an adjustment to make sure our relationship's working? And that made me feel safe knowing you were in the same position that we are both in this position. So it's like when stuff comes up like that, it's really having the conversation and learning how to manage the conflict with, like, calm resolution and then create agreements around it and it might be seasonal. So it's. It's. Yeah. Intimacy. Married intimacy is a big one. There's two final things that we went through with this process.

Yes.

And after we share these two final things, I'm going to share both of these big announcements, these surprises. So stay tuned for that in a moment. But the next one was dreams, goals and decision making.

Yes.

And it's talking about, you know, how to communicate, get clear and be in alignment on each other's dreams, goals and decision making. Because when you're getting married, you know, there's two individuals with their own either careers, goals, dreams, things they've overcome, and visions they have for the future. And when two come together to create a unity, a family, it's. I communicated early on about like, this is my dreams, this is my goal. This is the season of life I'm in right now. And I don't know if this is going to be 10 years, 20 years, two years, I don't know. But this is where I'm heading and I want to make sure you're cool with that. Meaning the lifestyle I have, which sometimes I'm traveling a lot, sometimes I'm speaking on stage, sometimes there's a lot of people around, sometimes I'm interviewing people, sometimes I'm not, sometimes whatever.

Like, sometimes you're writing, sometimes you're your dream that you have right now. Fantastic.

Exactly. You know, it's like, I've got a plan to go to the Olympics in the future, and that's going to take me traveling a lot.

It's like, it's going to take us traveling together, supporting that dream.

Absolutely. Is that something, Something, Your alignment? And I also know that you make movies. You usually make two or three movies a year. That's between eight to 10 weeks at a time, and you're going to be traveling. It's like, am I cool with that? Am I cool with either not seeing you for a couple weeks at a time, because I'm going to need to be present here, traveling back and forth, vice versa. Is that a lifestyle that I'm cool with? Because if it's not, and it's a big no, no, and I never want to travel, and you're always traveling, then that lifestyle conflict, that dream and goal conflict, is going to create a conflictive relationship.

Yeah. And also the decision, the decision making, I think is important because another thing that I think it's beautiful that we do and we started implementing is what your dreams are. They are also my dreams.

Yes.

What my dreams are. They're also your dreams. I mean, obviously we're two individuals and you have your dreams of, you know, playing handball and, you know, doing all these things. And I have my own dreams. But what happens is when we're sharing them with each other because we are together choosing each other as husband and.

Wife, they're our dreams.

They Become our dreams and then we discuss them. Like, I remember this time. This was a long time ago, but I had. I was gonna go for a project that was gonna shoot in South Africa, and I was really close in the audition process. Yes.

Really.

I just don't want to say the project because, like. But I'll tell you after a while.

And I didn't remember South Africa. Okay.

Yeah. At the time, we didn't know it was going to shoot in South Africa, but potentially was going to be either Australia or South. Some. Some place far away.

Yeah.

And I remember we had a conversation about it. It would have taken me nine months, between eight to nine months to shoot that thing there. And I called my manager and I said, I know they're between me and another girl. I don't want to take it.

Yeah.

Because we discussed this, like, does it work for our life? And the way we are setting up our foundation. And to me, it was worth not doing it.

It wasn't a big enough dream project. It wasn't like, this is the project I've always wanted to do.

But even if it was, that's the thing. When you make a decision, that's the decision we made together. So there's no point later and to turn around saying, remember that thing that I let go because of.

No, no, no.

We made the decision together and it was a good decision. I was at peace.

You were at peace with it.

Exactly.

You weren't like, I really want to do this, but I have to sacrifice for this. You were like, it's okay if I don't. Because you also had lots of options. You have this other project and this other movie.

The movies I produce myself, I can choose, you know, the schedule when I'm doing it.

But maybe if it was eight weeks, it would have been different. But nine months, you're like, oh, that doesn't make sense. So it's coming up with the decision making and again, agreements around that and with your dreams.

You came back from the Olympics and.

Said, hey, hey, I want to go to the Olympics.

I want to go to the Olympics.

And you also knew that I always wanted to go.

Yes.

So it was like you knew that I'm going to do stuff like this.

Which is, by the way, the beauty of sharing life together. Who am I to say, no, you can't. Wait a second. But we have, you know, this and this, right? No. This is why we're choosing to be together. From our freedom. From our freedom. So it's like you are excited about this dream. I'm Excited about that dream? Is it going to take us to Spain and going somewhere? Okay, we'll go. That's what we're doing. That's what we are doing.

Yes.

You know, so that, that part, I think it's obviously where we have only been married for three months, but we've been using it for all the time and all the years we've been in our relationship.

Exactly.

And I think it's important foundation.

Absolutely. The last thing is about spirituality and kind of bringing it home. So they started with again a candle ceremony and kind of setting the stage for the weekend. And then we went through all these different exercises, role playing. They did breakout sessions with small groups so we could say, oh, why do you think that way? And why do you think that way? And kind of get these different couples opinions as well, which I thought was interesting. We did a lot of games where it's like we sat back to back and it was like, raise your hand if you think this way and raise your hand if you think this way. And it was like, raise your hand.

If you know your significant other has debt. Raise your hand if you know that. It was interesting to see also other.

Couples, other people that didn't know their stuff yet.

Yeah.

And so all these kind of exercises and games and role playing really allowed you to get to know your partner more who you're engaged with, about to get married to. That's why I think it's important to do stuff like this before engagement.

Yes.

Because if your chemicals of love are saying, this is the woman I want to be with, the man of my dreams, because we've had whatever fun vacations together and he makes me feel good or she makes me feel great. And you don't do a lot of this stuff. You're just going to be heartbroken when you're married because you're going to have such a high expectation that they can never meet. And you're going to feel frustration after frustration after resentment after resentment. And one day you're going to wake up looking at the person saying, why did I fall in love with this person? Why do I love this person? Because you haven't chosen to understand everything about them, or at least 80, 90% and say, do I accept all of them? Do I accept all of them? And can I love all the parts of them, not just the part of the fantasy world, you know, the romance.

Or when they're happy. Can I accept this person also when they're frustrated?

Yeah, exactly.

Well, they do these things when they're frustrated. Well, this is who they are.

Can you accept it?

Can you accept that?

Doesn't mean you have to love it or like it, but can you accept it?

Yeah.

So the spirituality part was kind of like, bring it all home, go ahead.

And the spirituality part also was about how to raise children. Was it in spirituality? Meaning, like, because that's a big, you know, I have, I have certain friends that are dating somebody from a completely different faith. Well, that's a conversation.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, because if. If they're really hardcore that faith, which is good, then, but if there is completely different from yours, how are you going to raise kids? Come to those agreements, like, talk about it if it's not as important for you, but still talk about how you're going to raise children.

Right?

That's right.

Exactly. And a lot of his spirituality in the home. How's your relationship going to be with spirituality, raising kids with spirituality? All those things. Which brings me to the first surprise. Would you like to share.

The first surprise? The first two. I don't know which one's the second.

Just say the first one.

Okay, you want me to say.

I'll say the second one. You go ahead.

Okay. So I'm pregnant.

Ah, yay.

We are having a family together. A bigger family together.

Yes. So that's the big, the big announcement. We made you guys wait a couple hours to hear it, but you're pregnant. And maybe we'll talk more about it later in another episode. But that's just something we wanted to share with people here. And at this point, we've already probably posted about it online, but we've been, you know, quiet about it for. For a few months. So it's a big surprise. I mean, it's not a surprise. We were planning this, but it's a surprise to people.

Emotional.

Yeah, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. So that's the, that's the surprise that I was sharing before. And I love it. First month.

It's a good surprise.

Great surprise.

Yes, it's a great surprise that we're sharing for. I mean, it's not a surprise for us.

Exactly. It's a good announcement.

Yes.

And I think all of this, that we went through this pre marriage counseling, this whole process, although it takes time, it takes energy, it takes patience, it takes frustrating conversations to work through them. It's not like this fun. Oh, we're going on the beach this weekend. It's like, oh, you're going in, you're diving in. You're having conversations about stuff that's messier. Although it is all those things. It created such a great foundation for us to get married the way we got married.

Yes.

And for you to get pregnant and to feel like there's safety, there's, like, peace, there's harmony, there's agreements. When there's challenges, we know how to resolve conflict, so we're not living in this stressful chaos. It's like, we've done a lot of the work. We've come together. And again, we're not speaking from a place of, like, we're married for 20 years and we figured this process out.

No, no, no.

It's more of. We feel like we've had to learn through challenges and adversity and a lot of ups for the first few years of, like, how to set a foundation and create a process that works for both of us to come together to get married.

Yes. And this is what works for us. I wanted to ask you something.

Yes.

How do you feel? I feel very good about becoming a parent.

I feel good again. I told you yesterday. I was like, it hasn't really hit me yet. I mean, it's hit me, but I don't think it's gonna hit me until, like, I see your belly, like, really big. And probably, like, the day it happens, then I'm gonna be like, holy, this is really happening.

Yeah.

So I'm excited, but I'm more in mode of, like, I gotta get more done. I gotta get ahead, I gotta plan. I gotta, like, produce create providers. I'm more like, all right, let's go. You know, I'm, like, thinking ahead of the future, and so it's. It's very exciting, but I'm also, you know, it's not in my body, so it's more. I'm like. I'll never know what that feels like. I mean, I've been feeling it at different moments, but I didn't feel the marriage until, like, really, like, the day before or something, you know? And I was like, oh, this is happening.

Yeah.

Even the day of, I was, like, playing pickleball in Mexico, and I was like, oh, I guess I'm getting married tonight. But it was that evening, the church wedding. Those were all like, oh, the day of. Okay, this is happening. But no, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling excited, but it. I'm just not physically feeling it.

No, well, obviously you're not physically feeling it. I'm feeling it.

So I'm not. I'm not feeling the range of, like, emotions and hormones and all these things that you feel every moment. But I'M I'm excited.

Yes.

But it's. We still have time. We still have time. So I got to prepare my mind. I got to get my resources together and get ready. So that's where I'm at. But that's, that's the announcement, the surprise.

Our family is expanding.

Expanding. You're an amazing wife.

I love you.

You're amazing husband. We've got so many things we could talk about in future episodes on, like, you know, the prenup situation, why it was important for you to change your last name, like, all these things to create a stronger foundation and a stronger unity for us. That works for us. And so whatever you guys want to hear about next, let us know in the comments below. Let us know what you enjoyed most from this conversation. Again, I feel like we just scratched the surface. We're almost two hours in for one episode. Okay. And I think this is a good place to start. There was a lot of additional topics and reflection that we also went through, which is around, like, your family, my family, our family, planning for kids, living together. There's like so much around, like, moving in and living together that most people don't understand. Agreements, disagreements, all these different things. But this was a good start, I think, for people. And it was a great start for us before getting married because again, it just made us feel. It made me feel more at peace. And I think I always had fear around marriage growing up because I just didn't feel like I had a good model of it. You had a great model with your parents. They're incredible. They're still together 40 years later, married, and they're happy. And so for me, it was like I really needed to feel it. Peace and safety. I needed to feel like someone wasn't going to sweep the rug underneath me and like, say, oh, I say I love and accept you and then we're married. And now change this, do this. I don't like this, blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, I'm not living that life, you know, because I've lived it too many times. So for me, having someone who's growth minded, someone who's got a regulated nervous system and that knows how to manage their. Their emotions was big for me. And it's something you have that you do beautifully. And so I'm very grateful.

I try my best. Not every day I'm like. But most of the time.

Most of the time. But it's all right. I'm not either. But I appreciate you. I'm grateful for you. I love you. I'm excited for our life. I'm grateful that we got married, that we are having a family, and hopefully this conversation is helpful for people. You know, hopefully it is. Again, we don't have all the answers. We're not experts at marriage.

And also, this is what works for us. That doesn't mean it's going to work for everybody else, but I feel like, you know, together. Being together, but also, like, I. You led us in this beautiful path of how we're going to set up the foundation, because a lot of the things that we did were your ideas that you wanted to bring to the table and things that I fantasized about doing, you know, back in the day with whomever was going to be my husband. But I never thought, oh, I'm going to meet a man that he's going to want to do this work, like, on his own, which I was really happy about, like, including, like, the first time we went to mass together. It's because it was your idea. He said, hey, let's go to church. I was like, oh, my God.

And I'd never been to mass and never been to a Catholic church, but I knew you were raised that way, so I wanted to, like, explored for you and say, okay, if this is meaningful for you, I'm willing to try. It doesn't mean I'm gonna commit to this forever, but I'm willing to explore and try things and see what it feels like.

And I think it's a combination also because, you know, you. We do this with each other. If I see things that you're doing that bring you joy and peace, I'm like, not only go for it, but also, oh, I'd like to try that, too.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

It's like, because we see that the outcome of these things is more joy, more peace, more fun, more, you know, curiosity about life and exploring and like, and. And more of setting up a foundation.

Absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah, Yeah.

I love you.

I'm grateful for you.

Grateful for you. I appreciate you.

You're an amazing.

You're an amazing wife. If you guys enjoyed this, share below what you want to hear more of, make sure to subscribe to Martha's Channel Channel as well. Infinitos on YouTube. Follow her on Instagram. It's still your former name, Martha Ygudeda, but in the future, we'll start switching those things around. But. But check her out. Follow her. If you want us to do more of this, let us know. This was. This was fun. This is the first time in, like, a year and a Half.

Almost, yes.

Because people loved the last episode we did, the last two episodes we did. And I feel like we've learned so much in the last year and a half from this process, going through all these books and workbooks and workshops and relationship mentors. So I think we should share both.

Experienced in the past similar relationships that brought us to, you know, we're both not to say anything about, you know, the people we're with because we chose them. But so many people are there outside there are in a very codependent relationship. So like, if you want us to share, how was it for us, how to, you know, not break from that, but like inside of you, how to break free inside of you from those things in order to find and build together a healthier love.

Absolutely.

And I think that, you know, that would be really fun to share.

Let's do it. You guys want more, let us know. Diamo, I love you. You're amazing.

I love, I love you so much.

I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy and if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to make moneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Great Greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great. Building a portfolio with Fidelity Basket Portfolios is kind of like making a sandwich. It's as simple as picking your stocks and ETFs, sort of like your meats and other topics and managing it as one big juicy investment.

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