Master the Law of Attraction: 4 Techniques for MASSIVE Change

There's abundance of life all around you. You can feel the life within you also. You're focusing on abundance. It's in the law of attraction or nature. As you give, it must come back to you in another form.

Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. The School of Greatness is proudly sponsored by Amica Insurance. As Amica says, Empathy is our best policy. That's why they'll go above and beyond to tailor your insurance coverage to best fit your needs. Whether you're on the road, at home, or traveling along life's journey, their friendly and knowledgeable representatives will work with you to ensure you have the right coverage in place. Amica will provide you with peace of mind. Go to Amica.com/peace .com and get a quote today.

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Right.

Well, the main mistake perhaps that people make is not coming from a place of fullness, but coming from a place of neediness and putting too much attention on what is the undesirable conditions that they want to get rid of, but mentally almost continuously focusing on the undesirable condition, like not enough money, for example. That's just a problem for many people.

So let's use money, for example, then the law of attraction with money. How could we attract more wealth or financial abundance in our life using the law of attraction?

Yeah.

Well, first of all, is the acknowledgment of abundance that is already here and now. And not focusing on the lack of abundance that is here now, which you could find by thinking about it, but to actually focus on where is the abundance that I can find here now? And that is all around you. It is in nature. When you look at the abundance of nature, the multiplicity of life forms, the wonder of nature, the abundance of even, or let's say you're in a city, you can look at, appreciate all the things that you see around you. You don't need to necessarily own it or buy it, just appreciate it. And so this first, the appreciation of the goodness of life, that is always all around you. Even if you have no money, there's still the goodness of life is all around you. You see it all around you. The sunshine. I mean, the sun is the ultimate symbol of abundance because it gives energy of itself almost eternal. I mean, eventually the sun will die, but as far as we are concerned, it's virtually eternal. It pours out energy continuously. And this, at some point, we will realize that even on the level of energy, the universe is infinitely abundant. So we will no longer need things that we're using now, fossil fuels and those things we have access to other forms of energy that are more helpful. But the abundance is all around you. Let's say you walk your past in the city, you're walking past a flower shop. If you look at, wow, such beauty, appreciation, even to seeing a beautiful man or woman, or even a beautiful car. I love that. Not, why don't I have that car? Why does he have that car? It's all egoic. narratives that make you unhappy to appreciate. Nature, of course, is very powerful. And then you do appreciate the aliveness in your body, that you're breathing, and you can actually feel that your body, many people can't feel that. I call it the inner body awareness. You feel that every cell of your body is pervaded with the sense of aliveness, energy. and you can feel that. That is abundance. So there's abundance of life all around you. You can feel the life within you also. And so we could, some people call it gratitude. I call it more appreciation, the appreciation of the abundance of life that is always around you. That's a wonderful starting point.

Okay.

So you're not focusing on lack. you're focusing on abundance.

And even when you don't have any, if you feel like you don't have anything, you can find abundance around you.

Yes, acknowledge it. The good things of life, acknowledge, but even the seemingly insignificant things. Like when I look out of the window, I sometimes, there's trees out here. Right now I can look out this, I can see there's a slight breeze. and the branches are swaying slightly in the wind. It's beautiful. And there's the tree in all its majesty and still, as it's been there for 100 years, and that's wonderful. I don't need to own that tree. I mean, owning in that sense is ultimately a bit meaningless anyway. Yes, I own this house where I am right now, but at some point I'll I'll be gone. And so what does it mean? The house, somebody else will own the house. Only the secondary, I'm not saying to let go of ownership, sometimes gifts can give stability to your life on the practical level, but there's something more important. So this appreciation or if you want to call it gratitude, some people recommend I think Oprah said that she has had for many, many years a notebook or journal where she writes down every day things that she's grateful for.

And.

These are usually seemingly insignificant things, but it's important not to overlook that. And I don't think she's writing down, I'm grateful that I have a private jet. well, I'm grateful that I have a 2.5 billion dollars in the bank. That's right. She writes all the small things that.

I'm grateful for my garden. I'm grateful I get to plant a flower today. I'm grateful that I get to go on a walk with my friends. I'm grateful that I woke up today.

Yes, yes. The next thing is, the second thing could say is giving. to give energy to other people. Appreciation itself is already a form of certain outflow of energy. When you appreciate this tree beauty, there is an energy connection with the tree. The consciousness connects you with the tree. And kindness is part of giving kindness to another person. not because you want anything from that person, but because it feels so good to have this sense of, we could call it good will that flows out of you towards another person. Even if you just hold the door open for somebody, or it's a remark, or it's lovely, I love your dress, or whatever you say, if it's genuine, Or to say an encouraging word to somebody or to whatever it may be, a smile, a smile at somebody. Even that is a form of giving. This connection with another, kindness is a very powerful thing. So you are giving, you're not, the more you give, that it's in the law of attraction or nature is as you give, it must come back to you in another form. But it doesn't work if you give out of obligation that you feel you should be giving, or it needs to be a genuine sense of wanting to give and feeling how good it feels to give, not because mentally you've you feel you always need to help people because otherwise you don't think of yourself as a good person or something that's all mind stuff. But to experience how good it feels to give. So we have on the one hand appreciation, gratitude and appreciation are kind of the same. giving every day in whatever form. And the next thing is that obviously Jesus already in one sentence, one could.

Say.

Taught us the essence of manifesting and how it works. And he said, Whenever you pray for something that you want, believe that you already have it and it will be given to you.

Yes.

There's the key. Now, the important thing is he did not say, believe that you will have it. He said, believe that you already have it. Now, this may not be immediately clear to people, how do I do that? How do I believe that I already have it when I know that I don't have it?

Right, right, right. How do you get that belief of having it before knowing, feeling, tasting, smelling the thing that you want?

Yes. So you feel the thing, it is already a mental reality in your mind. How do you feel now that you have it in your mind? How does it feel? This feeling is really where the power of manifestation lies. But what is that feeling? Because that feeling of having it already and feeling this deep sense of satisfaction is really connecting with the deeper power within yourself, which is the power where all or sense of aliveness originates there. It's a deeper sense of aliveness that comes from consciousness itself. So you might believe it might differ from person to person. One person might think, okay, what I want is a big house with a overlooking the ocean or whatever, and then you feel yourself, you're already there. experiencing that another person might think, well, I want this to have this great company that does good things in this world. And it's. And I'm at the end. How does that feel? But you might find that the feeling is actually basically always the same, whether your mind says, but the house overlooking the oars, you know why? or the other person says, well, this is the company that I'm the head of that's doing great things in this world. The feeling is basically the same feeling. And the feeling is a feeling of fullness of life.

Yes.

Of completeness. That is power. So when you feel this feeling of fullness and then you associate it with a mental image, that is the power of manifestation there. But the feeling itself is beyond the mental image and is beyond whatever form you are able to manifest in this world because that is the feeling of the inherent sense of aliveness that comes when you go deeper into yourself and experience the presence that you are in this To know yourself as the presence is inherently joyful and powerful to know yourself as so, and that is you manifest from a place of fullness, not from a place of lack. Fullness is already there. And that also means if for some reason it doesn't manifest, because not everybody's desires manifest, I mean, I don't know if it's still happening, LA for example, if you go to any good restaurant in LA, it's more than likely that the waiter or waitress will be actors waiting for their big breakthrough. And it's just not possible for so many people to have the big breakthrough in LA as actors. Some may do, a few may do, but Most probably won't, but they have made, they probably have other breakthroughs that perhaps are much more important than what their ego tells them is important.

And to add to that, I love this, what you're sharing here, because I want people to really feel this and understand this and embrace it, because when we try to manifest from lack, it's going to be this needy energy, which was your first point that kind of kills the, the dream of the law of attraction. and when we manifest from a place of fullness, like you spoke of, like feeling a feeling of fullness, wholeness, excitement, abundance, joy inside of us. And if it doesn't happen, if that dream doesn't come to us in the next year or five or 10 years, then we've lived a full rich life every moment till that moment. Like we've lived a full year of feeling excited and passionate and good about ourselves. and that energy is magnetic. You will draw in great people, partners, relationships, opportunities that maybe you couldn't have dreamed of because the energy you gave into the world like you talked about. And I think that's the big point for me is the dream and the idea you have, maybe your ego wants, maybe you won't have it. But man, you'll live a great, beautiful, rich life in the process of pursuing it.

Very good point. So in other words, the journey is what matters. The arriving at some destination is the end point, but it's secondary. It's a journey, it's always the journey, it's always now. That's what matters. And so sometimes what you wanted to manifest does not happen, but something else manifests that could be even better. man, you're better. It's much better than what you have.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I always, I always wanted to be a professional athlete, and I played professional football for about a year and a half before I got injured. In the injury, I broke my wrist and I was wearing a cast and I had a surgery, and I had a cast on for six months. And it took about a year and a half for me to use my, my wrists again from the injury. And during that time, I was in a state of Extreme sadness and a loss and a grief of this identity that I once had and this dream that I once had that I was working so hard for my whole life to manifest, to create. And then all of a sudden, this injury broke my abilities to do that. And I remember thinking, what am I going to do with my life?

What's the point?

23, 24 years old, I'm like, what am I supposed to do now? And it led me into this journey that I'm on now of doing this interview series and podcast for the last 10 years that I'd much rather have this life than the life of a professional athlete now. And sometimes, like you said, going back to the beginning of this, if we can accept and surrender in the positive way to see what good can come, it may be challenging in the moment, but it's been a blessing. since then.

Yes, that's a lovely story. That's how it actually works. And another thing to mention is let's.

Say you do.

Manifest what it is you wanted to manifest. When you come from this place of fullness, you do not have, yes, you have an appreciation of what you have achieved, but you don't have an excessive attachment to what you have at sea. A force inside and out.

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So let's say you are able to manifest that you have a house overlooking the ocean and you manifest it, and there you have it. And one day you get home, you find your house is fallen into the ocean. It's gone.

Right, right.

So the whole thing that you worked so hard for to achieve is suddenly gone. But this place of fullness that enabled you to manifest that is still there. It's beyond outer forms.

Yeah.

And you feel full in life. Maybe there's a moment of sadness during that, but if you're not attached to the physical things you've manifested, I'm sure if I lost my home, I feel like it's a sanctuary. It's a beautiful, peaceful space. But I've lived in two-bedroom apartments for most of my life, and I felt like those were peaceful places for me. And it's not like, I'm sure I'd be sad for a minute, but then I could also create the sense of fullness in the next space.

Exactly. And I have this, like, see, I, for a long time, until my 32nd year, my main form of transportation was except other than public transport was a bicycle.

That's beautiful.

So I got my driver's license when I was 30, and my first car when I was 32. And that was a very- what city were you in?

What country you're sitting in?

London. London and Cambridge. I lived at that time. Uh, and the, I loved my bicycle. I just wonder, I, I appreciated it. I loved something else. I was just looked at it, was standing there and I had a love. And then somebody gave me, I was poor at the time. Somebody gave me an older car and I loved that. And And then I was able to, I got a little bit of money, I was able to buy the cheapest car I could find. It was called Lada, it's a Russian make. They still make them, but they're a bit better now than they used to be. And people would laugh at these cars because they were notorious for breaking down, but it was very, very cheap. And I bought this and it never broke down. I loved that car. It never broke down. I must admit, very embarrassing on hills because you could you were holding everybody.

You had to get out and push it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I loved that car. And the. And then I. I eventually left England and I sold it. A friend of mine was interested. I sold it to him.

And.

Two or three weeks after he bought it, it broke down and. And couldn't get repaired anymore. It was incredible. It's almost F is because I have this kind of relationship even with so-called inanimate objects. I think that even there, there is a glimmer of consciousness in everything.

Really?

How you hypnotize yourself for success, what that was like, and I guess just that process.

Look, I think the vision at a young age wasn't, I wouldn't call it as much, it was the early development of manifestation, right? And it was drawing, I have a self-portrait of myself from when I'm 14 years old where it's me, this is no joke, it is me in a matching hat and shoes, like with a skateboard on the side, all of these like this art easel and then just Stacks and stacks of money.

Really?

You drew this. I hand drew it, right? And it's like the most fascinating aspect is it's this bizarre matching hat to shoes combo, you know? And to me, like I always like could feel intuitively the law of attraction, right?

Really?

And so even when I look at like I needed, I was, lost at 25 years old when I was like searching for some sort of way to, I was like a fix to help like redirect me and get me re-motivated and refocused and that's why I was looking for a hypnotist, right? And then I found a hypnotist who was at the Scripps La Jolla Hospital and like, and so to me I'm like, okay, this is a, this is like a clinical psychologist hypnotist. This is real. Right. And so when I got in there.

Not some stage performer.

Yeah.

And so to me it was like, like when I got in there, I was like looking for like, you know, give me, make me focused on skateboarding so I can win contests, like, you know, whatever my vision was. And he immediately did this test and said, you don't believe you were meant to be successful at your subconscious level.

And so that's what he discovered after doing this test.

And then the initial hypnotist hypnosis was just reinforcing at the subconscious level that I was meant to be successful, right? That I believed that, right?

How do you believe, how do you learn to believe that if you hadn't believed it until then?

And look, I would say that I had, I grew it and built it at an early age and was starting to lose it.

Okay.

And then you got it, which made.

You a professional at 16 and kind of go to the next level. But then somewhere you lost it.

Right. He reinforced it and then boom, you know, and most recently I went to his house, you know, like a year ago. Really?

Yeah.

I went to his house. He's like this hypnotist now, his lifelong friend, you know what I mean? I found him in the yellow pages. It was on the internet. The great Dr. George Pratt. And so, you know, I will, you know, I've sent friends there. I go see him all the time, you know, on my five-year anniversary, he presided over the five year anniversary of our, when we renewed our vows. But I'm like, hey, can you just give me a check real quick? I just want to verify that I'm gonna be a billionaire. He's like, come on in here. He's like, come on, stop it.

You know that's gonna happen.

Wow. Him, like, his like psychological power. He's like, stop it. And it's just like, you're right, Dr. George. But look, I think even, you know, we were both in Think and Grow Rich that I, We had shot before we did the initial interview together, too.

He was in the movie?

No, no, you, me and you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, gotcha, yeah.

Right?

And it was, even back then, like, now I'm evolving and getting more intuitive of things being attracted to me. But it wasn't till 2018, I was in a bit of a pit of chaos, right? Because here's these great plans that I have built that were unfolding 2016, it was all coming alive, right? Our interview was at peak youthful energy of like, the world is mine. I just moved to Beverly Hills, I'm having my first child, got my new office in Beverly Hills, like my forever estates, just launched the machine that month, right? All of these things, like, I'm gonna build and sell all these companies still had never done it. Just the vision, the hope, everything. The energy of what was going to become and so. But in 2018, like, things got sideways, right? The energy got sideways.

How so? Was this the NBC show that didn't work?

No, this was them talking about, like, Ridiculousness going away. Right? Really? And I had built Super Jacket for it to be acquired, and it was just like, wow, it's like this entire thing that I've got, like, built up, and this is the first company I'm building to sell. is going to kind of drift away here. And my wife suggested, like, why don't we just watch the Secret?

Wow.

And so I'm like, you know, like, what? You know, and I kind of remember the secret. You know, I sort of, like, remember the secret. And then, I mean, the first 15 minutes, it just shifted my being. Really? It shifted my being in way of thinking of, like, like, stop it, like. look at who you are, what you've done, and look at, like, like, the good that has constantly, like, found its way to you. Don't lose sight of that. Like, and I began to practice belief, and literally, like, a month later, my. My internal medicine specialist is talking about meditation, and I'm like, I have to meditate. And she's like, oh, I. in my office, we have this new company that has these meditation pods, the Soma Dome, right? And I'm like, can I try it out? And inside this Soma Dome, it's a guided meditation about manifestation.

Really?

And so what I started doing in 2018 is I was like, I'm not going to like hope for the law of attraction. I'm going to begin to practice it. So I would go to sleep every night watching the Secret. So it was the last thing I went to bed and then when I would get up in the morning I would get in my dome, right? And I would just like think of all the things I wanted to happen, right? And so instead of thinking in 2018 when they were talking about ending Ridiculousness and I was in season 12, I wasn't, I decided I wasn't going to manifest Season 13. I was go, I kept manifesting, walking on the stage, introducing season 30.

Holy cow.

So you weren't thinking about the next season? You were thinking about 20 seasons away.

Right, right. And, and so for me, like, like it then evolved and, like, it literally began, it was like the, the, the Seas began to part. Right. Because what happened is because I own the production. Now, I was able to negotiate directly with the head of the network on the unit economics of the show rather than talent and producing fees. And so we got to a place where we decided from a business perspective what was best for the network and the ever-changing landscape of linear cable. And I gave him the prom, like, give me the price you want and then let me go and try to make it happen.

Because you used to have a talent feed that was bigger and then you said, let's work on it.

Somebody else would produce it. Now I produced the entire thing, owned the entire production, so I understood where all the opportunity was to get it to his cost. And that, it's a nuance now, right? So I negotiated with him on the unit economics where most, like even big celebrities and producers are still like, it's fees. You know, like you don't have the ability to get in that into depth because you don't, you don't understand or own the production company at that level. And so it goes from right there. I got it to his number. We negotiated and I was getting 30 episode seasons at a time back then. And I said, I can only do this price if we get to 42 episodes and you got to pick up multiple seasons.

Wow.

And I was hoping for two, he picked up.

For.

Right.

And so it went from thinking that it was completely like, I'm gonna have to regroup and like, like, television's over here to, like, now you're shooting 186. Right? Like. And the beauty of it was, is I had built the company up to that point. You needed three years of EBITDA to take it to market and sell it. The entire plan was like, we You got to get through the third year and take it to market. And on the third year, they were like, we don't think the show's coming back. Basically like, okay, that means the production company's going out of business after I was getting ready to take it to market and be my big first win. And instead, that 186 order, I took it straight to market. Now I took it to market. Here's the three years in EBITDA. And we have the biggest order in the history of cable television, right? Like, what's the biggest order? One of the biggest ones, right? that is how huge that, that, that changed. And then what happens now? They have more episodes. They air more. It gets this new, entirely new life. Then they're like, can we get more?

Really?

Then by the, by the following year, you know, and keep in mind, in that time, I sold the company.

What year was this now?

The company was acquired in 2019. Okay.

So.

Um, and then it was like, it had this explosion. So then it's like, how many can you, give us? And I'm like, so I went through all time management, all aspect, because keep in mind, I'm still doing all of this while living super balanced, happy normal life. So I could do 250 max. 250 in a year. Yeah. And then I was like, but in order to do that, like, can you pick up two years? And then they were like, what? No-brainer. Let's do it. So they then ordered 500.

500 EPS.

Yes.

In two years.

And two years and that put me to 30 seasons, right? So it's like, so, you know.

Oh my goodness. So you're visualizing 30.

Visualizing 30. And I'll tell you one thing, you know, I actually spent some time with the great Dr. Joey.

Dispenza. Right.

And, and the one thing I heard from him is this idea of don't try to think it, try to feel it. You know, don't, when you're, when you're trying to, to, like, tap into the quantum field and, and, and generate energy in the law of attraction, the things that you are thinking about, think about the feeling. That's why I thought of, I, like, went through the feeling of like what it feels like to be on stage, welcome to season 30, right? So it's a much more richer sort of existence. So now, now it's like I practice it every single day. I am in, you know, that Soma Dome meditation pod, like feeling what I want to happen seven days a week. I almost never miss a day, right? And I track it super super extensively. And, like, literally, it's like 97. 97. Like, almost every, like. Like 97 of this entire year, I have been in there just visualizing what I want to happen.

So how does someone believe it, even though it hasn't happened yet?

So I don't love the statement, fake it till you make it.

I don't like it either. But I will, I like face it till you make it.

I like that too. I would say believe it until you are it. That's kind of what neuroplasticity would say. Interesting. With neuroplasticity, it's psychological work, right? But it's actually not, it's actually physiological work. And so I work with a lot of guys in financial services who emotional intelligence is a big thing that we need to work on. And I've had these people who are very, very successful genuinely be so frustrated. I don't understand, like, what am I supposed to do? People say, I'm not nice to them. What am I actually supposed to do? So this is what I say to them. Imagine a field of grass. And on day one, you walk through the field and the grass is high and you're sort of flattening as you walk. And then you walk there every day until you've trodden a little path into the grass. And then you keep walking there until it becomes like a muddy path. Then you might lay some paving stones. And then you build a proper path. That's what you're doing in your brain when you change any behavior. And I remember when I learnt Danish, which was super hard.

Oh gosh. Yeah.

And I've mentioned to you that I prefer to eat healthily, but I was literally taking a can of Coke or a bag of Maltesers to the Danish lessons. And it was 90 minutes, and by about an hour I would feel so tired and so hungry.

Exhausting, isn't it? Exhausting, yeah. I'm learning Spanish right now.

Oh yeah.

And I'm trying to change my language around being exhausting and being hard. Because I think the more I say that, it's going to continue to reinforce that it's exhausting and challenging. So I've been trying the last few months to say, you know what? This is a fun experience. You know, this is an experiment. It's challenging, but it's a good challenge. And I'm learning every time. It's hard for me. And it's trying to add a positive reinforcement as opposed to, man, this is hard. Because I have, it's, It has been challenging up until now to learn Spanish fluently. And I also think I have this huge expectation, like I'm gonna be able to speak like a native, you know, Mexican speaker. And I think sometimes we forget how far we've come, you know?

Yeah, acknowledging that is so important. Can I give you a bit of inspiration?

Give it to me.

So I did eight weeks of lessons. I then went to Denmark for some holidays, and I came back. and had a lesson. And at some point she said, okay, great, you know, we're done for now, see you next week. And I was like, was that 90 minutes? And so basically the 90 minutes had got, I hadn't got hungry, I hadn't got tired, I'd got through the lesson, and I realized I've gone past that tipping point of neuroplasticity. You're at the point where you're digging for gold and you'd like to give up. And you just have to get past that point.

Well, it's like I've been there for like a year.

But, you know, if you think about, I'm genuinely sure this will help you going forward, and please let me know if it does. If you think about it like building that pathway, building that brick wall, then you sort of acknowledging that it's physical work sometimes takes away that frustration that you think you should just be getting it and you're not. Because I don't think you would blame yourself in the same way if it was like a sport, No. Exactly. Right.

But it's like a physical workout.

Yeah.

Why does it seem like a physical workout when you're just thinking something and speaking and listening?

Because it is physical work. You're building a pathway in your brain. You're not just thinking. Thinking doesn't happen without neuronal connections. So you're, you know, you're building synap, you're connecting neurons through synapses, you're myelinating pathways, you know all this stuff. And what does that do to the.

Body when you're doing that to the brain?

It's the same as doing a workout. It's using energy. It's using up glucose, yeah.

Fascinating. Which makes you hungry or tired or.

Whatever it might be. And frustrated at points as well, you know, because once you've made enough synapses and connections and maybe myelinated the pathway. So there's three physiological aspects to neuroplasticity. Myelination is literally just making a pathway a faster pathway. So for example, we have myelinated pathways to snatch our hand out of fire, but we have non-myelinated pathways for pain, because if you immediately, you know, felt the pain, you wouldn't be able to remove yourself from the danger. And the most, what you're doing in your brain now in Spanish is you're connecting up neurons that already exist through synapses. You're making a new pathway for Spanish. Judging by how hard you're finding it, it's possible that you are in the memory centers of your brain actually inducing neurogenesis, which is embryonic cells becoming fully formed neurons, and then connecting up through synapses with established neurons and then maybe getting myelinated.

Okay. What does that mean?

It's that's really hard work. So in the adult brain.

So, you.

Know, children can learn like five languages at the same time, you know, from a young age. And if you do have kids and you want to bring them up bilingual.

Oh, I'm gonna definitely do that for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you have to have a different parent speaking a different language or a different, you know, grandparent or nanny or whatever, so that they understand daddy's English, mommy's Spanish.

Interesting.

Otherwise they muddle up the words. that can be.

That's interesting.

So yeah, so kids can do that easily because they've got lots of embryonic neurons that, you know, in the first two years of life, it's amazing. They go from being completely helpless to walking, talking. For us, it's harder, but it's possible. And neurogenesis, which is literally embryonic cells becoming neurons, may not be happening that much in the adult brain, but the synaptic connection is happening a lot.

What's interesting, I've never felt like I've had a good memory when it comes to books, like things I'm reading in school. I think it's because school was so challenging and I always, the belief was I was tested poorly and so it just reaffirmed that I wasn't good at it, right? Based on the way that school was created for us. But in sports I could remember really well, right? So I could remember other things or if I'd meet someone and they told me some weird like, I would remember this, right? And I could remember it 10 years later, something like that. So when it was more physical and active, I felt like I had an incredible muscle memory, right? And I felt like I had incredible wisdom, but I didn't feel like I was smart. I feel like I understood people, but I couldn't remember something I read in a page two seconds ago.

Yeah.

Like, I would have to repeat reading something over and over again to be like, what just happened? what did I just read? I couldn't comprehend words, but I could connect with people and emotions and, you know, movement and things like that. So I'm trying to figure out what's that way to learn Spanish through that way or anything new, because I think one of the greatest parts about life, especially, you know, after childhood, is like creating new adventures and not staying stuck in the same routine, but having new. experiences, new adventures and learning new things. I love that you like to learn something new every year. I think that's a secret to keeping you young and youthful and looking 31.

Thank you. So two things I'd like to raise about that. One is that you've obviously done the work and become very successful, but there are a lot of people who would be stuck in that I'm not smart. And I was stuck in I'm not creative till I was 35 starting to give the numbers away, Louis.

Like two years ago.

So I was told at high school because I wasn't good at art that I wasn't creative. And I completely believed that I wasn't creative. I didn't think I could do anything but be a doctor for the rest of my life. And through a series of events, which you probably, I am not aware of the complexity of, I woke up one morning and I thought, I never chose to be a doctor. My parents told me to be a doctor. I was told at school I was smart. I was so smart that I didn't just do an MD, I did a PhD as well. And I said to myself that morning, if I'm so effing smart, what do I actually want to do?

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And so, you know, that was the start of my life. And within a short period of that, I realized I'm creative. I might not be able to do a good painting, although I actually can now. So the belief also changed me. I started doing more art and stuff as well. But I created a business. I created a new life. I created a home. When I do my cooking, I'm creative. I've even, I mean, there was a time that I looked in the mirror I had this narrative, I'm not a writer, I'm not an author, because my PhD was so traumatic. Writing it was like really the worst thing in my life. And I looked in the mirror and I was like, Tara, you've got a best-selling, award-winning book that's translated into 38 languages. You are a writer. I know, it's crazy, right? So there's that whole narrative that even you and I have got things in our head which are like, I'm not smart, I'm not creative. think about people that haven't had the opportunities that we've had or who don't know about neuroplasticity. That's why it's my passion and my heart because I just believe that that's such a key to unlocking things for so many people.

What's your definition of chemistry, connection and compatibility?

All right, so chemistry to me is the art of getting along flowing with each other, all right. Chemistry can be created it can be destroyed. Think about it from a team sports perspective you can put players together and they have to build team chemistry. So, through repetition, through practice they can get to a point of having chemistry. Yes, some people have instant chemistry, all right. But just as it was instant it can also be broken Instantly. Exactly. You know, we can start to not get along and not flow with each other very easily. Things can get in the way and again, this happens even in team sports or even in the corporate arena where you have team building exercises but then things happen that destroy the structure of the business.

That's chemistry.

That's chemistry.

How important is chemistry?

It is still very important. It is not the most important and I say that to mean chemistry has to be in every relationship for it to work and flourish. but it does not set the stage for everything else, all right. Connection sets the stage for everything else. So, basically, if you have connection, you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility. But now, let's talk about compatibility. I believe compatibility is a very logic-based structure of putting two people together. It's also about we're compatible in the sense that we share values, all right. So, again, you can meet someone that you are quote unquote compatible with. You guys share similar values, you guys come from even maybe the same kind of cultures. There could be a lot of things that make you guys compatible on paper.

Uh-huh, but what is real compatibility?

Well, to me that is real compatibility so to speak is that yes, you guys on paper are a good fit, all right. And you guys should work. But again, without connection it won't matter. So, I would argue that a lot of marriages let's even talk about arranged marriages some of them were built on compatibility. Well, this person came from the right family so, we like this, they have a good job, they have a good education, they would be a good fit here, they share the same values. But when those two people are really alone with each other, it doesn't always hit. Which is why if you go on an online dating site It can match two people together that are compatible on paper.

Interesting.

But in person, it doesn't always play out the same.

Because what is missing?

The chemistry or more importantly, the connection.

And sometimes we might be tricked. Oh, we feel the spark of chemistry, but you may not have connection. Is that true?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

So you might say, oh, we're compatible on paper, everything. We have the same values. We want the same things for our of our life and marriage and kids and where family's gonna be, we have compatibility, we have chemistry, there's some type of spark here. I feel like, ooh, there's a little something down here.

Yeah, we feel, and we get along and we know the flow of each other.

That's amazing. But you're saying, if we can't find true connection or if there isn't connection, can connection be created?

No, and so that's the huge distinction to me with connection. Connection cannot be created, nor can it be destroyed. It's either there or it's not.

Wow.

There's nothing you can do to build connection. You can build a stronger bond, you can create a stronger attachment to each other, but that still doesn't mean connection is there. And you see this play out in situations where you have people who could meet each other right now, have this amazing connection. Something happens where they fall apart, they come back together years later, 10, 20 years later, and it's like they never stop talking. It just falls right back into place. It's connection. It's a deeper thing that's occurring there. To me, connection is your spirit recognizing its match. It is something that is happening beneath the surface, all right. Which is why many people who have felt connection, you can't always explain it. Connection does not always line up with the logic of compatibility. It's not always oh, well, it makes sense because of this... No, no, it's just there. You just feel something with this person, you feel drawn to them, it's so much deeper than anything you've ever felt. And consider this, you can be compatible with tons of people. You can have chemistry with tons of people, you do not feel connection with a bunch of people. Period. If we were to survey people who have felt a connection in their life, you'd be lucky to find many who can say two times. The majority will say it's a one time occurrence that has happened to them, all right. And being able to have that again it's very difficult. Now, I don't want anyone listening to be discouraged if they did not end up with the person they had a connection with. I'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen a second time. But I will say that if you surveyed people you would have a hard time finding that many people that say it said it happened twice.

When does someone know it's connection and not chemistry? because I feel like you might be tricked. We have this incredible connection. We understand each other, we get each other. I can't explain it, but I feel something. That feeling might be also chemistry at the same time, right? It might be masking.

Yes.

If it's really connection or chemistry. How do you know if it's true connection over, man, this is desire, connection, attraction, all these things happening at once.

One, can you truly be yourself with this person? that big, all right. Because again, a lot of people they go on these dates, they're bringing their representative and the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing. But when you actually show your true self now what happens? And a lot of people have not done that with their partner or the person that they're getting to know. So, again, you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility but you're not discovering true connection being there. So, you've got to be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core, all right. You can show me all the parts of you I still want you, all right. Number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions, all right. Again, what people fail to understand and this can happen with chemistry is that we're bonding based off of the activity or the things in our environment. Meaning, all right, we love going out together and we do all these fun stuff and we're doing all these things and that's great, all right. We know how to have fun together. But can we be alone in a room? No TV, no distraction, no phone, just us and still love being with each other. A lot of people can't say that. A lot of people are are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner and I use that word strongly tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in life. They have kids, they have work, they have all these other things going on.

TV, video games, man caves, whatever.

Exactly, all these things that pull them away from their partner that doesn't allow them to face the fact that no, you really don't like each other at the core. Man, and so, that is a huge sign of connection that's why like, One thing I suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip. And it's just a random suggestion but go on a road trip for at least six hours, no phone, no distraction just you and them talking. Will you still be happy after those six hours? A lot of people can't make it that far in a car ride with their partner, all right. A lot of people cannot be in a room alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention. So, you've got to really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here if this is really going to be called a connection?

Right, and your fear is are you able to grow together after 10, 15 years? Is that one of the main things?

So, it's you know, it's hard to you know, you never can look that far ahead, you know, and we don't know what's in store.

We may not be here tomorrow.

Exactly, it's a concern of can we still give that same energy and it's both sides. Because again, I'm not saying I'm not perfect. So, even though I'm confident that I could do it, what if there's something that throws me off, you know? It's just that yes, as time goes on there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that same energy that you brought in the beginning. Now, again, I think I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I think most people do because I think that a lot of people's mentality well, things change. Things are going to be different. It's okay. So, what? You don't go out as much anymore. People think like this but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating. I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So, when I think about yes, can I be with someone past 10-15 years? If I accept a level of mediocrity of course.

But we don't want that.

Exactly, I'm saying can we maintain excellence? After these 10-15 years. Fulfillment. Exactly.

On a high plane.

Happiness, all these things. Because to me, what is the point of being here if we don't have it, if we're not operating at our highest level?

What about the saying that I hear, whether this is a meme or this is women saying this online, maybe you know the line better than me, if he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best.

I hate that line. I absolutely hate it. And I hate it because it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues, all right. I agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments, all right. Because we're going to all have moments we're going to all we're all going to make a mistake, it's going to happen. Over time, that's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it even when I want to consistently make you deal with it. No, that's not going to work for me. I can't accept that, that's not okay. And so, a lot of people that's what they're turning it into.

That's you not taking accountability and responsibility.

Exactly, growth. Exactly.

Going back to okay, this is where I'm at. I don't want to address it. You just have to accept it and or don't be with me.

Exactly, you know it reminds me of like once upon a... I don't know they still say it but I know at one time people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship, all right. I disagree.

I don't know if I agree. I understand that yeah, I just don't like that.

No, at all.

Can you communicate with We don't agree on this, but do you have to argue?

Exactly, that's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not. All right.

So, say it one more time.

Disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

That's good.

All right. So, my thing is yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives, we can bounce ideas off each other, we simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful, whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using, you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy, there's nothing healthy about that. But a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the and healthiness in their relationship. They don't want to face the issue up I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't want to have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does.

Wow.

All right, grow up. You know, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this but that's just real. We can't just think it's okay especially with our partners to speak however we want to throw all kinds of insults to be disrespectful. and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the build up from that last time you disrespected me or maybe you feel some kind of way and ever since then, I've resented you. And now in this resentment, I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about because I didn't communicate clearly. Now, you're giving me attitude and now you see how it turns into other things. Now, that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into okay, the way that we talk to each other in general. Maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you realize is it started from disrespectful arguing, all right. It can also start from some other stuff, all right. But arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug. So, going back to your point about the whole take me at my worst, yes, worst moment. We can have a moment.

Always like this and once in a while a good attitude.

Exactly. and negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

So arguments are disrespect, but disagreements is okay.

Is that what you say?

Yes. Disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

Yes. So you can always disagree and you can agree to not agree.

Yeah.

Or you can, is that right? Agree to disagree?

Yeah, agree to disagree.

But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, saying what's on your mind.

In an angry Exactly.

Aggressive way, tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for someone.

Exactly, people have to understand whenever someone feels attacked they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker my focus has been Do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message, all right. If I want to be heard I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down, I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's entertainment. I just want to be heard. But no, I want people to receive it and if I want people to receive it I have to be more considerate, more compassionate, I have to check my tone, I have to be careful with my words. And that's why if people watch my videos they see I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm saying. So, if we're in a relationship we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you be mindful of how you're talking to them.

Why is it so hard for people?

Because again, they don't want to face the... Or they don't want to do the work of correction, all right. And the work of correction can entail the healing and again, facing those issues. It's also conditioning if people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other it's very... It's hard to change that. Yeah, it's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen, all right. So, now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work. And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. they don't want to have to accept that. So, it's no, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there's nothing wrong with this. Or I see other people do it, you know, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay, you know. So, I think those reasons just overall they don't want to have to do the work and so, they rather make excuses for it.

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