Master Your Relationships & Attract Lasting Love w/ Jay Shetty EP 1417

I.

Firmly believe that taking charge of your mindset allows you to be in the driver's seat of your life and unlock your potential. And that's why I'm thrilled to share that my new book is out right now. It's called the Greatness Mindset. In it, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book that I wish I had 20 years ago. It's everything I've learned in the last decade with the research and the science to help you unlock your mind. Make sure to go to lewishouse.com/2023mindset to pick up your copy of my book, the Greatness Mindset, today.

Toxic love is when your trauma is the oxygen for your relationship. Right? If you think about the word, like the idea that your trauma is what you're breathing into the relationship.

Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur, and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. The School of Greatness is proudly sponsored by Amica Insurance. As Amica says, empathy is our best policy. That's why they'll go above and beyond to tailor your insurance coverage to best fit your needs, whether you're on the road, at home, or traveling along life's journey, their friendly and knowledgeable representatives will work with you to ensure you have the right coverage in place. Amica will provide you with peace of mind. Go to amica.com and get a quote today.

As America's leading business lender, Bank of America is on your corner and in your corner. With $215 billion in business loans and over 3,700 business specialists across the nation, we help businesses thrive. So communities prosper. What would you like the power to do? Learn more at bankofamerica.com/localbusiness. Bank of America, official bank of FIFA Club World Cup 2025. Copyright 2025 Bank of America Corporation, all rights reserved.

Father's Day is coming up, and for lots of dads out there, dad doesn't quite cover it. They're groundskeepers, patio whisperers, and rogue leaf vigilantes too. So this year, show dad some love with gifts from the Home Depot. They've got fast free delivery on handy gear that helps dad do his thing. We're talking Ryobi cordless outdoor tools like the Ryobi 40 volt expanded string trimmer. Find the perfect Father's Day gift at the Home Depot. Shop in store and online at homedepot.com.

Free delivery subject to availability. Fuel your greatness with wonderful pistachios. No shells. Wonderful pistachios is a great source of protein with zero guilt. Each one ounce serving has six grams of protein, giving you over 10 of your daily value. Pistachios are known for their protein power, fiber, and better for you unsaturated fats for a combination that may help keep you feeling Fuller longer. And now there's a new way to snack strong with unsalted no shells holding the salt, not the flavor, for a snack that packs a protein punch. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more.

I'm curious. What is the difference between toxic love and conscious love. Because I feel like a lot of people get into relationships based on a wound and it causes toxic chemicals that might feel like love, but then they unwind after six months, a year, two years, and it feels like then it's not conscious love that they got into it from a Chemical romance, wounded as opposed to conscious healing, integrating that into a relationship. What is the difference between toxic love and conscious love?

Toxic love is where both people are working independently to use the relationship to serve their own needs. That's toxic love. And conscious love is where both people independently take care of themselves so they can bring their best self to each other. And where this often goes wrong is that toxic love turns into a competition. Toxic love now is who's doing more for each other? Who gives more love to each other? Who does more work around the house? You turn the whole thing into a competition which is not teamwork. And conscious love is not saying you're the selfless one, it's you're making agreements. I think that's the mistake that love was constantly, conscious love was always like, Be selfless, love more than the other person, give more. That's not healthy either. What's healthy is we're actually going to create boundaries. We're actually going to create agreements. We're actually going to create principles. We're going to create rules. The reason why I called the book Eight Rules of Love is my hope that it will inspire other couples to create their own list of rules in their own relationship. A conscious relationship is one that is built on a foundation of healthy agreements.

Yes.

Toxic love is, it's interesting when you look at the word toxic as well.

Tell me.

So toxic love is when your trauma is the oxygen for your relationship.

Right?

If you think about the word, like the idea that your trauma is what you're breathing into the relationship.

Yes, that is so true.

Right? You're just breathing your trauma into the relationship. So you bring all your baggage, all your insecurities, and you're somehow expecting the other person to inhale it all and then figure out how to respond and react. Whereas a conscious relationship is saying that I have these things, I'm trying to heal them, I'm gonna make my partner aware of what I'm healing because I'm not fully healed. And now that they're aware and I'm working on it, we can also work on it together. So I think we've also had this unhealthy idea of conscious love being you're fully healed. And then you come, it's like, that's not true. It's a journey. And so, but the thing about the journey is, are you working on yourself? Have you communicated to your partner what you're working on so that they can be aware? And thirdly, have you found a way to get support? I had a friend whose partner was addicted to porn. And they came up to me and they were saying that their partner feels shameful and guilty and wants to work on it. And I said, you have two choices. You can either leave them because you don't believe them, and this affects you negatively, which it was, or you can stay with them and support them through their journey because they want to change. It's not that you're forcing them.

And they're honest about it. They're coming to you about it. Exactly.

They're vulnerable. They're open about it. They're honest about it. And what I found in that scenario was that that person was able to support their partner and now they have a really healthy relationship. But the thing is that we can't also... A toxic relationship is also when you use someone's trauma against them. So, someone's been vulnerable with you about what they're struggling with and now you use it as ammunition in an argument to shoot them down. And so, when people are vulnerable with you, when they're honest with you, when they're transparent with you, Don't use that against them because basically you're saying to them, don't be honest with me. And I think that's this really interesting thing. We all say, I want someone who's honest. But then when someone says something honest that's uncomfortable, we say, no, no, no, I don't want your honesty or I don't like that. And I think you push the other person away. Yes. And so, yes, if it's really, if they share something that's really not aligned with your values, of course you can leave and move on. But chances are if they're opening up about a journey they're on, It's worth giving it an opportunity to support them if they're serious about it.

I love your definition of toxic love versus conscious love. And when I was hearing you say this, I was thinking that conscious love is also wanting to take emotional responsibility and accountability for emotions, as opposed to saying, you made me feel this way. You said this. You didn't do this. And it made me explode on you.

Mm-.

It's having the emotional responsibility to manage it. And if you aren't good at managing it, saying, I take full accountability, and I'm working on that healing journey. And I think that responsibility and accountability adds to the potential growth for conscious love.

I love that. That's such a great point. It's such a great question too, because you also realize that we have so many flawed views of conscious love too.

Yes.

And so people always think like, oh toxic love, that's the worst. You could actually be doing pseudo conscious love and that's even worse sometimes.

What does that mean? Like a spiritual bypass to conscious love?

Yeah, or like you're practicing it in a really superficial way. Like it's conscious in the language and the way you talk about it, but you're doing unhealthy things. Like for example, you could think you're in conscious love, but you can't deal with someone's honesty. You think you're in conscious love, but you don't feel comfortable having uncomfortable conversations. You think, oh yeah, we just talk about good stuff and everything's perfect all the time. It's perfect all the time. And we never argue. Yeah, we never argue. And it's like, well, no, it's important to have uncomfortable conversations. And so I find that a lot of couples struggle with having these uncomfortable conversations. We didn't get into fight styles, but we'll get there whenever you want, because that question was so good. That question was so good. And don't feel, I'm saying this as a friend now, like off camera in the sense of like, This is so good, bro. This is an interview that I haven't done with anyone because it's not about the book and we're getting into it. So it's like, don't feel any pressure to go into the, like, the stuff we're talking about is amazing. Of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just reiterating as a friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so good. So what were you gonna say, though? You were saying something. I was just saying that this superficial idea of conscious love becomes really practiced as a deeper love. So, yeah, we don't argue. But we avoid having uncomfortable conversations. Everything's always good, but I often go to sleep at night wondering what they're thinking. Right? Like, that's not conscious because it looks good. It's conscious because you're constantly working on it. I think we're so scared of accepting that something may need fixing because that means it's broken. But it's not broken. There's just parts to re-look at.

Yes. What are the things that most people don't think are harmful to hurting loving relationships that are actually the most harm? Not like he cheated or she lied to me or he's watching porn or whatever that is. But what are actually the things that most people think, and that's not really that big a deal. that actually you do it year after year after year is a big deal breaker in ruining relationships. Maybe it's a little things, maybe it's the, you know, whatever it might be.

Is there anything that you can think of? I'd say there's four coming to mind right now. The first one I'd say is the idea of control. I think we're trying to control the other person, but it doesn't look like control. It looks like care. And that's the interesting thing.

It's like manipulative care.

Correct. Yeah, exactly. So control in a relationship can often look like care, but deep down you're doing it because you want to control the other person. So you want to tell them what to wear, you want to tell them how to spend their money and how to invest it, you want to tell them how to live their life and which friends are good for them and which friends are bad for them. Now, it's different when that's a conversation from them to you and asking for your advice, but the best thing you can do as a coach, a partner, a guide, a friend, is to help someone understand what their goals are. We talk about this all the time. Like, we don't project what I think is a worthy life or a worthy podcast or a worthy home onto what someone else wants because we all have different values. And so, I think we do controlling means I don't want to understand your values and what you believe in. I'm going to project mine onto you because I think they're superior anyway.

And I feel more comfortable if that's the case.

And it's very subtle. Like this is something you have to really monitor. Like, you know, I'll give an example of like, I've always been driven, or at least I've been driven for a lot of my adult life. And one thing I had to be really careful for when I met Radhi was to not project My ambition and drive onto how she lives.

And hoping she does the same.

Correct, because Radhe's this beautiful, abundant, like, sun energy.

Joyful, flowing.

Yeah, flowing and she's in flow. And that's what makes her beautiful. That's what makes her attractive. It's what makes her special to me and to everyone else who knows her. And if I try and contain that and try and direct it towards what I think it should be, I could potentially make her lose all of that. And so I've seen my role with Rati as being more protecting and helping her protect that than exploiting it. And I think it's so easy for us to think, well, I'm driven and I'm ambitious and look what I've done and so my partner should do that too. And it's like, well, maybe they shouldn't. I remember I was speaking to a client, actually, no, this was a friend, they weren't a client. I was speaking to a friend and she was saying, oh, you know my partner, he's lazy. he doesn't work hard, he doesn't have any ambition. And I said, well, if you want someone who has ambition is driven and works hard, then he's not your guy. That's basically all it's saying. Right. And she was saying, no, no, no, but he's really kind and loving and thoughtful. And I was like, okay, well, which one do you want? And, and if you want both, go out there and look for it.

But chances are that's tough, too. Or he may not.

If he's driven, he may not have as much time for you. That's what it was. And that's what she, that's exactly where she discovered that she was like, I want someone who's driven and present, and I was like, They can be present in the moment, but they're not gonna have as much time available.

Or at least not during their season of being driven.

Correct.

Maybe in 20-30 years, it'll change, but you can't expect it to change.

Exactly.

Okay, so that's number one, the idea of control.

Yes. The second one, which again is subtle, and that's why I love your quality of your question, because it's like, what do we miss or what do we not see is comparison. I think we do it without even knowing. I've heard couples literally say, oh, did you see, like, where they went for their anniversary trip? And there's some passive messaging in there.

That's true.

And you're passing it off like you're really happy for this person, but really, there's this part of you that's saying, we didn't do that, or I wish we did that, or why don't you think of stuff like that? And I think passive aggression in comparison, comparison will make your partner feel un-- comparison is the number one thing you can do to make your partner feel devalued and unlovable. There is nothing like comparing your partner to another person. Now, some people will say, I'm not comparing them, I'm just saying what someone else is doing.

Yeah, but you're pointing out something that we're not doing.

Exactly.

That makes me feel like I'm not enough.

Exactly. That is the bottom line.

That's it. You do that week after week, year after year. You're like, I'm never enough for this person. What do I need to do? So they start celebrating what we're doing, not what everyone else is doing.

Exactly. Exactly. And I think that that comparing is so unhealthy. Yeah.

Okay.

Two more. I think complaining about your partner to your family and other people, it creates a loop. So if you complain about your partner to your family, then your family is going to check in with you, and then you complain again, and then they check in with you. Now, I'm not saying you don't talk to your family about your partner. But there's a difference in saying, hey, we're going through this and we're going to therapy and we're figuring this out versus, he's so this, she's so that, they're so that. And I find that that complaining that we do, it also seeps into what we spot in our partner. We're now looking for them to confirm our complaint. So if we just complained about our partner and said, oh, they never do this, when we go home and they haven't washed the dishes, we're like, oh yeah, see, I was right. And now we're double triggered. Rather than talking to them and communicating and saying, Hey, when I come home from work and I see this, I'm triggered by XYZ. Let's talk about this. They're complaining.

Yep. And that goes back into your third agreement of love.

Yeah.

I love that.

And the fourth and final one that comes to mind right now is this one's really tough because I had a friend who was going through this a lot. Whenever he was making progress in something, like let's say he got a promotion, His partner would say to him, I don't know how they promoted you. I never see you work.

Oh my God.

It was criticism.

Like diminishing them.

Diminishing them. So it's criticism. Yeah, it's like diminishing them about something that they've achieved or missed out on. Or someone saying, oh, I didn't get that promotion. And you say, well, yeah, I didn't really see you work for it. Right? So there's criticism either way. And I think we do this because We wanna be honest with our partners or we want to tell them the truth. We don't wanna lie to them. Or most of the time it's because we're hard on ourselves. We're criticizing ourselves for not achieving what we wanted. And now we project that criticism onto our partner for what they wanted. And criticism ends up making someone feel so far away from you. Like, criticism increases distance in a relationship. It pushes someone so far away because you've made them feel unworthy, unwanted, and not enough. And again, I'm not saying the opposite is praise your partner, tell them really nice things about themselves, but there's a way to communicate about certain challenges they're going through. It's not in the moment saying, Hey, I didn't get the job. Oh yeah, well better luck next time. Or, oh, it didn't quite work out. And you might say, well, people don't do this. I promise you, what I'd love for everyone to do with this, I'm gonna set a little challenge. If you're in a relationship, I want you to do an audit or account of how many of these you do every week about your partner. So just do it honestly. Honestly, for the next seven days, if you're in a relationship, think about how often you complain, compare, criticize, or try to control, and just keep a count. Now, you may get through the week and you only do one. That's amazing. I'm really, really happy. But if you're really self-aware and you're really questioning yourself, I'd find that even I do a few of these things constantly.

And what's even I think this is a beautiful audit and probably a lot of people don't even aren't even aware they're doing it. That's what it is. It's such a pattern and an unconscious.

Reaction to seeing something. Yeah.

And even if you don't do it verbally, I would ask yourself to audit it internally. That's what I'm saying. Criticizing, am I comparing without even saying it? Maybe I keep the peace and I.

Don'T say what I really think, but.

Are you thinking it? Yeah, you're scrolling on social media. Yeah, yeah. Am I comparing? Am I complaining in my mind, I wish he would do this. I wish he would do this. But without saying it, that's still like creating this rumination inside of you. I love that audit. We are here talking about eight rules of love, how to find it, how to keep it, and how to let it go. If you guys haven't got a copy yet, make sure to get 10 copies right now. This question is about the greatest skill you think that everyone should learn in order to master love. What is that skill that will allow them to find it, keep it, and let it go, but really to master it?

I'd say the number one skill to master love in relationships is to remember that in every relationship, there are three relationships. The one you have with yourself, the one your partner has with themselves, and then the one you have with each other.

That's good.

And I think so often we only think about the one we have with each other. We don't realize that so many of the challenges in our relationship are because of our relationship with ourselves and our partner's relationship with themselves. We think, I'm doing everything, but they don't feel better. But that's because they're going through something internally. We think, I'm giving them everything. I'm doing everything they need. I'm here supporting them. But if they've got something going on internally, they can't even receive any of that. And so often we look at it through the lens of it's just me and them, that's just not true. And so you have to remember that there was a you before, there was a you during, and there's a you after every relationship. And there's a them before, a them during, and a them after every relationship. And when you accept and understand that, You can actually solve problems easier because now you have three things to look at rather than just one. So you can start to understand, okay, well, is that their internal thing? Is it my thing? Let's check with them. Let's communicate. Let's figure that out.

You just gotta really become a master of human dynamics. Yes, it's like understanding human dynamics and all that stuff.

You ever walk out of the grocery store or fill up your tank and just think, how is everything this expensive? Feels like prices are going up everywhere. And how great would it be if just once, Something actually just went down in price. Well, at Metro, that's exactly what's happening. They've lowered their prices and are giving you a five-year price guarantee on talk, texts, and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh, and you also get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store. Visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number, not available if currently at T-Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guaranty covers monthly price of on network talk, text, and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply. Details@metrobyt-mobile.com We all know that staying hydrated.

Is so important and we've heard it a million times, but let's be real, you can really feel the difference when you're hydrated properly. You're sharper, you're energized, and you're ready to go. And when you're not, well, you feel foggy, sluggish, just drained. And with the summer heat coming, staying on top of hydration isn't just a good idea, it's a must. And that's why I love Liquid IV. It's powered by LIV Hydrscience, which is clinically studied to maintain hydration better than water alone for up to four hours. And I've been loving the new sugar-free raspberry lemonade hydration multiplier. It's so refreshing. And I don't know about you, but if I'm not hydrated, It's hard to function, whether I'm gearing up for a workout, recording a podcast, or pushing through a packed day. Liquid IV always keeps me hydrated. And if you've ever hit that mid-afternoon slump or struggled to keep up, trust me, this is a game changer. Maximize your hydration with Liquid IV and get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and use code LEWIS at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with code LEWIS@liquidiv.com this is an advertisement from better help.

You know, one of the biggest stigmas we still need to break, especially for men, is the idea that asking for help is weakness. In reality, it's the most courageous thing you can do. Taking care of your mental health doesn't make you soft. It makes you strong, focused, and grounded. We live in a world that puts a lot of pressure on men to man up, stay silent, and just push through. But bottling it all up only leads to burnout, anxiety, or and the truth, it's okay to struggle. It's okay to not have all the answers. And there is real power in opening up. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, helping over 5 million people get the support they need without the hassle of waiting rooms or long commutes. You can talk to a therapist from wherever you are and switch anytime if needed. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. talk it out with better help our listeners get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com louis that's better hlp.com louis.

It'S interesting when I was playing sports I remember a coach asked us at one point he said there's always three teams on the field your team the team you're playing against and then the refs wow there's always like You know, you're never just playing against the team. You've got to be aware of how the refs are calling the game, how to influence the game in certain ways, you know, how to show up differently. But there's, it's never just you versus someone else or you with someone else. It's always like your interpretation to yourself, their interpretation outside of there's always so much else going on. But I think, yeah, that, that skill of understanding there's three relationships in one and navigating those, I really think of that as like just learning how to master emotions, you know, it's like learning how to be the master of your emotions, understand someone else's emotions, and the emotion that you're creating together. Speaking of creating together, you mentioned this a little bit before about conscious love, having agreements, principles, boundaries and rules, which I think is a great thing. Most people don't have that. They just have assumptions and expectations. That goes more into toxic love. A friend of mine, Ryan Holmes, told me this years ago when he got married. I was like, what has made this like a healthy relationship for you? He was like, you know, we created a, what did he call it? Like a family vision. We created, we actually sat down and we created like a family crest, like a sign, a symbol of what we wanted to mold together to build our family. Something like they used to do in England like 500 years ago. But it's like, and he said doing that allowed us to get clear on our principles, what we wanted to really step into, how we wanted to serve each other and our communities, our families in the world. And I thought that's cool. Is there anything that you have around building kind of like a relationship motto, crest, vision? Is there anything you talk about around that?

Yeah, I talk a lot about how there's three things. You've got liking someone's personality, you've got respecting their values, and then you've got a commitment towards helping them get to their goals. Right? So that's my definition of love. My definition of love is when you like someone's personality, when you respect their values, and you're committed to helping them towards their goals, which means you have to know what your values are and theirs, and you have to know what your goals are and theirs. And someone asked me the other day, they're about to get married, and they said, Jay, what's your advice? and I said, do you know your partner's top three values? And they struggled. I think so. Yeah. And they were saying, friends and family. Yeah, exactly.

Like, very, very broad things. Yeah.

And I was like, well, what does that mean? Like, what's the hierarchy? Like, what's the order? And then I said, well, do you know your partner's goals for the next 12 months? And they struggled again. They were like, oh, I don't know. Like, they're just settling into a new job. And I was thinking, if you don't know who your partner is and where they're going, then how are you meant to be their partner? And so to me, check-ins about these three things regularly and consistently give you a full vision of who your partner is and where they're headed.

That's so good. Liking their personality is what you said first, right? If you don't like someone's personality, you're gonna spend 10,000 meals with them. You better enjoy their personality.

Exactly. And that's the study that shows that To make some, and me and you are great friends because of this, by this definition too, and I've really thought about this. So, to make someone a casual friend, you should have spent 40 hours with them. 40 hours for a casual friend. If you consider someone a good friend, you have to spend 100 hours with them. And if you consider someone a great friend, you should have spent 200 hours with them. We've definitely spent more than 200 hours together. But that's the question I would ask when you say like their personality, can you spend 200 present hours together? not just 200 hours watching TV or the movies, present hours. That's the like.

No distractions. You and the other person, you know, I heard this, I think it was a year ago about, like, you're gonna spend 10, 000 meals with someone. That's them forever. You know, can you sit across the table and have 10, 000 meals and enjoy the meals?

Yeah.

You know, for the most part.

Yeah.

So I love this liking personality, respecting values. I think, you know, with Martha, I got so clear on my values and communicating it effectively. And she asked me early on, I've told you this before, she asked me early on, the what are your priorities, Louis? Question. I don't know, maybe a month into dating. Like, what are your real priorities?

That's so good. Right?

That, like, every man fears answering. And I said, oh, do I step into courage here or do I shy back to keep it comfortable and not stir the boat? And I remember saying, well, I want to be very honest and authentic with you, but I don't know if you're gonna like it and I don't know if you're gonna wanna hang out in this way anymore.

Yeah.

She was thinking that I'm gonna say something like horrible and I was like, Do you want me to be fully honest? And she looked at me and said, Yes. I said, Are you sure? Because I've been honest in the past and people don't like it. Yeah. Are you sure? And she said, Yes. Took a deep breath. I'm like, okay, I gotta have this courage. 'Cause I just know that I thought that she wouldn't like what I was about to say. And I said, okay, here are my three main values in order in life. Number one is I value my health and that needs to be like my top priority. Because if I'm sick, I can't do really anything. So I need to take care of health first and you need to support me in making sure that I use my energy to do that on a consistent basis. You can't pull me away from my health. or healthy activities, or make me feel bad for going to the gym or whatever it is. Number one. Number two, priority number two is my purpose, my mission. Like in the season of life, the mission that I have right now, and that's being all in, focused on that and not feeling bad about it, not taking time away from it, you know, not being resentful of it, any of those things. That's priority number two. And I was like, no woman wants to hear from their man or potential man that they're not their number one or number two priority. And I said then number three would be my relationship. You know, if we're gonna end up dating together, it would be us. And I said, that doesn't mean you wouldn't be like, I would never have time for you.

Yeah, I'm not gonna choose the gym over here.

But I need to make sure those first two priorities are set in stone so that I can actually give to you more. So that I can be more present with you. so I can give you fully, abundantly, and we can do all the things you want to do. You're going to feel like number one, but you need to know that number one and two, I have to do these first.

So good.

And you will feel like the most important person in the world. But if I don't feel healthy, if I'm being pulled away from my purpose of my mission, I'm not going to be good for you.

So good.

And she looked at me, she goes, this is amazing.

I can imagine what to say.

That's amazing. I love this. and I go, Really? Because I'm thinking like, I've experienced and I've heard other people experience that if you're not making your woman your number one priority, if you don't put me first over everything, then it's like a stressful experience. And for me, that goes back into toxic love. And it's not about you aren't my top priority, it's prioritizing health and purpose and service whether you want to call it the same level or just above it.

Yeah.

So that you have the energy to be present to your relationship. At least that's for me, what I feel like a man needs to be in their relationship. They're on, they got to be on purpose. Right. And she told me, I love it because I've never been with a man who had a purpose. They always made me their purpose. And after a while, it doesn't feel good. You're like, go out and do the thing you want to do in life. Like, I don't care if you want to Serve two people a day, but go do something that you're excited about, not just make it about me. And so give me your thoughts on this idea, this philosophy. If you think that's in alignment with your eight rules of love, or if you think that's, I'm crazy and I just got a lucky one who just accepts me for that.

I love it. So it's really interesting you say you did that because inside my book, Eight Rules of Love, I actually talk about how I gave a client that same exercise. So I asked them to rank their top three priorities in order. And I was coaching the couple. So the man wrote, you, the kids, me. And she wrote, me, the kids, you.

And this is so funny.

He was so upset. Like, he was.

Go ahead.

No, go ahead.

This is funny because. I want to unpack this because I went to Cesar Milan, the dog whisperer. And I took my team to do like a full day leadership training, which you got to take your team one day.

So cool.

And he was- I'm always scared Cesar's.

Gonna give me a dog, that's why I don't go.

I know, right?

I'm so scared.

And he talks about the dynamics, at least in America, of married couples where if he asked most women, what's the priorities? in the relationship. It's like mom, kids, dog, then the husband. This is what he says a lot of women say. It's like the husband is last because they get this unconditional love from the dog, but that's after the kids.

Oh my gosh.

And then husband. And he's like, we've got it all backwards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, we need to be, the parents need to be leading the pack.

Yes.

Together side by side.

Yes. Right?

So anyways, I don't want to.

No, no, no. I love that. That's a beautiful point.

Yeah. So you said, he had one thing which was her, the kids and himself, and she had herself, the kids and then the man.

Exactly, exactly.

And so what happened from that dynamic? And what happens when you enter or in a relationship like that?

Well, he was distraught and he was really upset because he was just like, How can I be third on your list? And even more than that, he was actually upset that she put herself first. That's what he was more upset about. He actually wasn't that upset about being third. He was more upset about how are you first for yourself? How is it not the kids?

Or the kids, yeah.

How is it not the kids? And her response was similar to yours that I want to be present, energized, and my best for you and the kids. I don't want to give my leftovers to you and the kids. And I often say this to people, like if someone is emotionally and energetically dead, How can they keep you alive? It doesn't make any sense. And so what we have to understand is someone's not being selfish by focusing on themselves if they're doing it with a selfless spirit. That's the key.

Yes.

So you may meet a man who's not like Lewis and says, yeah, I'm first for me. I'm first. And they're only doing that because they think they're first. There's no, I'm gonna take care of myself. so I can be better for you. That's the spirit you're looking for. So you're looking for someone who's selfish with a selfless spirit. Not just someone who's selfish. And there's a difference. And it could sound like the same thing. It could even look like the same thing. You could meet someone who says, I'm dedicated to my purpose. I'm dedicated to who I am. But it's not anything to do with you. And I think that's the difference. People who Prioritize self-care in order to serve. That's the self-care we want in our lives. And so that's what I encourage in people, that you should always take care of yourself so you can take care of your partner, so you can take care of your kids. You're not just taking care of yourself just, like it has to go somewhere.

And being lazy about everything else.

Exactly.

Speaking of priorities, I'm curious your thoughts on what is more triggering and harder to talk about in intimacy, which will lead to marriage? Is it around money or how to raise kids? Or are they kind of equal in their triggering?

No, I'd actually say that this is such a great question. I'd actually say that more of our trauma, because this is what's interesting, right? The honest answer is it depends on what your trauma is, but Most people's trauma comes out more strongly in how to raise kids, because now it goes back to how they were raised.

And what they got, what they didn't get, how you were treated.

Exactly. So, I'd say that raising kids becomes a really tension-filled point for couples, because both either think the way they were raised was great, or both had bad experiences and now they're repeating them with the kids or a mix of both. And so I find that kids are also triggering because now you're getting to see who they love and who they respond to, who they listen to, who they like, who they connect with. Now, of course, kids don't have favorites, especially when they're young, they don't even know. But there definitely is that feeling from an insecure parent they're like, oh, I do this all for them and they just wanna hang out with you or you get the fun side of the kids and I have to deal with the stress. And I'm not saying none of that's true. I'm just saying that I think raising kids triggers the most amount of trauma. And I've seen that. And it's natural because you are now looking at that kid with the lens of what did I not get at that age? And I wanna give it to these kids. And even though that's a beautiful intention, It may not be ideal because you may overcompensate, you may struggle. And what I've realized generally is that with any of this, we're all going to make mistakes. We're all going to get things wrong. But I think with our kids, we want to be perfect and we want to get it perfect because we love them and we don't want to mess something up. And often it's that recognizing that loving them is more important than perfecting. everything around them. And I feel that way with my parents. Like, I feel my mom loved me so deeply and truly that despite all the imperfection of my upbringing, her love is what lives inside of me. And that is something that no one's ever going to forget. Whereas sometimes you can set up the perfect environment around the kids, but if you don't fuel it with love, if you don't fill it with the oxygen of love, they're not going to grow up with that or remember that.

It'S interesting. I heard, I heard, I'm pretty sure it was Wendy Suzuki on the podcast. She said that, you know, her parents never really said she, they loved her. Right. And it was very hard to have that conversation. She said she wanted to tell her dad and she wanted to have that conversation and start talking about it more and just say, hey, I know we don't do this as family, but I want to say I love you.

Yeah.

And if I get it back, it'd be great. But you could set your kids up with giving them the best coaches and teachers and training and schooling to want them to be successful. But I think what I took from her was she just wanted to hear that she was loved. Yes. Set up the perfect environment for me to flourish. That's great. But as kids, like you said, we want to be heard, seen, and accepted. which essentially allows us to feel loved. And I think when we can learn to do that, which is hard if we never got that ourselves. So it's hard to unlearn it and do the uncomfortable. But if we can do that in our intimacy and our relationships and with our family, it will help us feel a deeper sense of peace and love, which is what we're always looking for.

Absolutely, man. Well said. Well said. That's beautiful. That sounds like a great interview too.

I'm curious about, I'm always a guinea pig on this show. I'm always like, you know, revealing stuff and opening up about stuff and sharing this is how I made a mistake and this is what I'm learning.

Yeah.

As your friend, I'm curious and you can be as honest as you want to be. What feedback would you give on love for me that, and you don't have to like, you know, build me up or anything, but what feedback, real feedback, honest feedback that you've seen, and I know you talk to me all the time about this, that you see as possible for me to step into that maybe I'm doing but need to do more of or that I'm struggling with that you see from a perspective you haven't told me yet. What is that feedback you would give me so that I can be vulnerable and work on it in this process?

So I'm gonna build you up because it's true. And I have to.

I have to.

I have to because it's true. Like I don't think I've seen many people do the amount of self work you've done over the last few years. The amount of energy, time, money, you've invested in working on yourself. It's unbelievable. And you're seeing the results because of it, right? Like, that's the most beautiful part that you've always worked on yourself, so that's not new. But I know that love has been like a real investment and healing for you. And I just don't ever want anyone to think that, oh, because you have a good podcast and because you write amazing books, shout out to the greatness mindset. Like, you know, like, just. Just because you're doing that stuff, that's not why you have love. Like you don't have a good relationship because you're Lewis Howes. Does that make sense? Like I think often externally it could look like, yeah, Lewis is good looking and he played sport and he's an athlete and he did this and he did that and that's why it's like, well, that's not what's made you a good partner or that's not what's made you a healthy partner. It's the work you're doing behind the scenes that you obviously share on the show, but the work that I get to see you do as a friend. So I do want to say that because I think it's important to notice and acknowledge that. Thank you. But if I had to give any feedback or thoughts, let me think where I want to go with that.

And also, like, you know, knowing, you know, taking the relationship to the next steps and what, you know, being married and what that looks like and what I'm going to be preparing for in the future and how to make sure what to look out for for myself, that it could be a trouble for me or something.

I do think I start the book with this beautiful conversation between a student and the Buddha and the student asks, what's the difference between I like you and I love you? And the Buddha replies, when you like a flower, you simply pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily. And so my honest advice, and this isn't just for you, it's truly advice for all of us, including me sitting right in front of you, giving all of this advice, is are you watering your relationship daily? Are you checking the soil? Are you giving it sunlight? Are you aware? I think so many of us get a beautiful tree, a beautiful plant in our lives, and then you think it's just gonna survive. And so all the work that you've done now, even though it's tiring, exhausting, and transformative, that never stops. And I see that in my life today. I've been with Ravi for 10 years. And I would say that we still have to water the relationship, check the soil, check the sunlight. And I don't think that it ever changes. The stuff you're checking changes, but the checking process doesn't change.

So you can't just set it and forget it.

You can't, that's exactly it.

You can't do a lot of work in the first couple of years and then say, I can ride this for 20.

That's exactly the problem. I think we think that two years of work results in 20 years of fruit. And it doesn't. It doesn't. Like, if you look at the harvest, if you look at the seasons, it's a yearly thing. It's an annual thing that happens. And so I just, I really, really feel that. And I would often also say that, you know, look out, using the garden analogy, like, look out for the weeds and make sure you're constantly planting new good seeds. I think we also think we've thought about all the good seeds we don't need anymore.

You know that old saying, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. I think that goes for how we live too. It's not just what we do, it's the energy, the intention, the presence we bring. And that's exactly what the Range Rover Sport brings to the road. The Range Rover Sport is built to take on roads anywhere without any unnecessary details. It combines a dynamic sporting personality with elegance and agility and delivers an instinctive drive. Its assertive stance hints at an equally refined driving performance. Defining true modern luxury, The Range Rover Sport features the latest innovations in comfort and convenience. The Cabin Air Purification System alongside the Active Noise Cancellation creates a new level of quality, comfort, and control. Terrain Response 2 offers seven terrain models to choose from, fine-tuning the vehicle for any challenging roads ahead. Build your Range Rover Sport at range.rover.com/us/sport.

They're saving for retirement, and then there's living in it. At Fidelity, we can help you make that transition and plan for whatever comes next. With a free personalized income plan, you can view and manage your cash flow across accounts. Plus, you'll get investing insights to help you make your savings last. Ready to take on retirement? Get started at fidelity.com/incomeplanning. Expenses charged by your investments and other costs and fees associated with trading or transacting in your account, apply Fidelity Brokerage Services member, NYSC SIPC.

We don't need to think about anything new and we keep trying to recreate our first date or we live in the same way or the way we had it was amazing and we keep celebrating how it is rather than recreating what it needs to be. And so I think that's really important. But that's not just about you. It's more of a warning to myself, to you, to everyone, because I think amazing relationships can go stale really quickly. Yes. Because we become complacent. That's true. And complacency, it's always like, we always hear that phrase, curiosity killed the cat. And I'm like, complacency did. If you're curious with your partner. You'll keep growing. You'll keep it growing. And so, use curiosity.

I love that. Okay, I've got, I think I have two final questions.

Yeah.

Before I get to them, I want people to get the book. Eight rules of love, how to find it, how to keep it, how to let it go. Make sure you get a copy, get a copy for your friend, your partner, your family who's struggling in relationships or people that want to just keep them growing by being more curious. We'll have it all linked up in the show notes on YouTube, on audio. So again, make sure you guys get this, follow Jay's podcast and subscribe there. We do a lot of fun stuff together over there, so make sure to check that out as well. Your first book as well is amazing. So make sure you guys get Think Like a Monk. His book is sold, I think, what, 2 million copies now?

Yeah, 2 and a half million copies.

Make sure to get that again on purpose, one of the top podcasts in the world. And if you want a great speaker at your event, make sure to hire Jay. He's one of the best speakers out there. So again, get the book, subscribe, do all those things. Two final questions. I've asked you questions about your three truths before, so I'm not going to ask that. I've asked you about your definition of greatness. and people can go back and listen to those episodes if they want to. This is a question, because you have a prompt in here about writing a love letter to yourself. So if you had to give a love letter or a love audio note to your younger self, the part of yourself, the time when you felt the most shame, you don't have to say what was happening, but the time you felt the most shame. What would that audio note be to younger Jay of that season of life? A love letter to him.

Don't try to fall in love like they do in the movies. Don't try and fall in love like they do in the songs. Don't try to fall in love in some big, romantic, Hollywood, idyllic way. Ask yourself, do you know who you are? Do you know who they are? Every time you ask yourself, do they like me? Ask yourself, do I really like them? Every time you ask yourself, do they think I'm attractive? ask yourself, am I working on myself? Every time you think, do they want me? Will they take care of me? Ask yourself, how can I better take care of myself? And so everything you want from someone else, give it to yourself first. That's what I'd say.

Yeah, that's a good love letter. It's a good love note. Okay, final question. so imagine this goes back to our Massey McConaughey scenario.

Oh, yeah.

Imagine your 90 year old self.

Yeah. Yeah.

Giving a love letter or love note to your current self. What would your 90 year old self say to current Jay to support you for the next season of love after 10 years of being in a relationship and seven years of marriage, what would you say for the next 10, 20, 30 years?

After it's all said and done, the love you have for humanity and the love you have to serve and to use your purpose in helping other people, that's the only thing that will stand the test of time. and that your life will be measured not by awards or trophies or numbers, but by how deeply you helped people love themselves. And I think that's a really interesting nuance that We are often focused on how much we love people, but if you really love someone, you can make them fall in love with themselves. And so I would measure myself not by how much I loved, but by how much I was able to help people love themselves. Because that would be proof that I really love them.

Eight Rules of Love, Jay Shetty. Love you, brother. Appreciate it, man.

Best interview.

I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me, as well as ad free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus Channel on Apple podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text friend. Leave us a review over on Apple podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to.

Make the show better.

And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn.

How to improve the quality of your.

Life, then make sure to sign up for the greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com newsletter. And if no one I just told you today. I want to remind you that you.

Are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

Hair changes over time, but frizz, breakage, and split ends from damage, they stick around. Until K18's Leave-In Molecular Repair Hair Mask. It reverses damage in four minutes at hair's innermost layers for smooth, shiny results that won't wash away. Head to Sephora to pick up K18's mask or try a 10% off your first order with code podcast@k18hair.com that's code podcast@k18hair.com When you're earning your degree, the.

Right support can make a difference. That's why at Capella University, learning online doesn't mean learning alone. You'll get support from people who care about your success, including your dedicated academic coach, who's available every step of the way. Whether you're working toward a bachelor's, master's, or doctoral degree, you can learn confidently knowing you'll get la mejor educación. Un futuro diferente, está en la Universidad de Cappella. Learn more at cappella.edu.