The #1 Reason You're Not Succeeding In Life [MASTERCLASS] EP 1430

My friend, I am such a big believer that your mindset is everything. It can really dictate if your life has meaning, has value, and you feel fulfilled, or if you feel exhausted, drained, and like you're never going to be enough. Your mindset is everything. And our brand new book, the Greatest Mindset, just hit the New York Times bestseller back to back weeks. And I'm so excited to hear from so many of you who've bought the book, who've read it, and have finished it already and are getting incredible results from the lessons in the book. If you haven't got a copy yet, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book I wish I had when I was 20, struggling, trying to figure out life 10 years ago at 30, trying to figure out transitions in my life and a book I'm glad I have today for myself. Make sure to get a copy@lewis howes.com slash 2023 to get your copy today. Again, lewishowes.com/2023mindset to get a copy today. Also, the book is on audible now, so you can get it on audiobook as well over there also.

But it's not about winning. It's not actually about the goal. And so when we beat ourselves up because we miss an arbitrary number by an arbitrary date, and even if you hit the goal, the problem is, welcome.

To the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. This podcast is sponsored by Northwestern Mutual. Everyone wants to feel good about their finances, right? Well, that's why I've had life insurance with Northwestern Mutual for years. Their financial professionals ask the right questions, truly listen, and help uncover opportunities most people miss. I've seen it firsthand. Northwestern Mutual has been a part of my journey from the very beginning, providing the security and peace of mind I need as a human and an entrepreneur. Find a better way to money@nm.com, the Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, paid testimonial by a Northwestern Mutual policy owner.

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I believe self-doubt is one of the biggest killers to anyone's dreams. So how does someone develop self-confidence and sustain it with the ever going changes and stresses and uncertainties that always come up? Once you reach a certain level, there's a new uncertainty.

So I think it's ironic that we call it self-confidence. 'Cause I don't, for one, think it comes from the inside. I think our self-confidence comes from the outside. Right?

You mean that's the wrong way of going about it, or you think that's where it comes from in general?

We are being misdirected by the name. When we say build your self-confidence, that's the instruction is saying go inside, look inside oneself. But I think that's a false direction. Children aren't born self-confident. Their confidence is built from their parents and their friends and their teachers, where they're rewarded when they do well and they're pushed when they fail, when they can do better. Simply, you know, we know this, that simply telling kids that they're great all the time actually doesn't build self-confidence, actually does the total opposite. Right. And I, for one, I can tell you in my own experience, my own self-confidence 100% comes from the relationships that I have. It's not some deep internal fortitude. A world-famous trapeze artist is not going to try a brand new death-defying act for the first time without a net. So it's the people in my life. It's when I do doubt myself that somebody says, you got this. When somebody says, I believe in you. When somebody says, no matter what happens, whether it succeeds or fails, I'm going to be by your side. That's when I have the confidence to do difficult things. I don't have some natural battery that just Right. You know, that to me is bravado. I don't know if that's self-confidence. You know, being a huge risk taker is not an indication of self-confidence to me. You know, jumping out of a plane and jumping out of a plane with a parachute are two different things.

Right? Right.

To me, self-confidence is measured and there should be a degree of of doubt. But I think true self-confidence, belief in oneself and belief in one's cause, I could not do the things that I'm doing and I would not have the strength to have made the sacrifices that I've made or continue to wake up on a daily basis to drive to spread this message if I were alone. And so when we talk about building one's self-confidence, I think the mistake that we make is that we look inside. I think the reality is when we're trying to build our self-confidence we should be looking to our friends, we should be nursing our relationships. When I'm looking to build my self-confidence.

The question is who around me do.

I need to take care of? You know, the way we build our self-confidence is by helping somebody else build theirs. It's an act of we will build our confidence with an act of service. So I'll tell you a true story. So I did an experiment. I love doing experiments in my own life. Yeah, me too. You know, I have mad thoughts. I'm like, well, let's try this one out. So I have a very dear friend who has stuck with me through thick and thin, who she is absolutely profoundly one of the reasons that I am who I am today, right? And I have my confidence in large part because of her, right? She's one of a small group of people who I look at and say, Yep, yeah, good friend, right? She was struggling, like seriously struggling. Oh, let me take a step back. So we decided that we were gonna she was struggling. She was going through some hard things in her life. Career wasn't going the way she wanted. Her personal relationship was struggling. There was a lot of rough.

She was lacking confidence.

There was a lot of rough. She was lacking confidence. And we would get together on a regular basis and I would attempt to coach her, you know? And she'd feel great for the hour after she left me, and then it would very quickly go back to normal. And we'd get back together and I would coach her, and she felt great for the hour after she left me, and then it would go back to normal. And I can't say that there was some profound change being made in her. So I had her brain idea. I went to her and I said, I need your help. I said, I'm struggling. I don't have a coach that I love and trust. You've known me for years. I trust you with everything. I feel unbelievably safe around you. Can you put together a program and can you coach me? I think you're good at it. And it wasn't reciprocal. It was an, I'll coach you, you coach me. I said, it's just, I need your help because I'm struggling. It was legit. It wasn't like I was just making stuff up.

You were stressed.

It was legit. I could do with the help and I trusted her to help me. and something profound started to happen over the course of just a few weeks. It wasn't even for a few months, but over the course of a few weeks, she started to gain way more confidence. Her career started to really move in a more positive direction. Her relationship firmed up. And the more that she was in service to. To me, the more that she grew herself.

Wow.

So I think self-confidence I wish we didn't call it self-confidence because, like I said, I think it gives a false direction. The way we build confidence is with. Con means with, doesn't it?

Interesting.

So I have no idea the etymology of confidence.

That's interesting.

Just making stuff up here. But con means with. To confide. Let's look this up because fidelity is something to do with truth. So confide, right? Yeah, look it up with the etymology of confide. Look up the etymology of confidence. You know, it's to confide is to two people, like a conspiracy is a co-whisper. That's what conspiracy is, it's a co-whisper. So, confidence is co-fidelity. Right. So, let's see if the instinct is matched by the etymology of the word. And which of it isn't? I'm still okay with it. Yeah, you look at it. What does it say? So it comes from late Middle English, confident translations, origins and meaning. Here we go. Unlighted animal dictionary. Got to love it. Where does the word come from? It's about trust or reliance? But what's the actual etymology of the word? Yeah, I'm not going to sit here and waste everybody's time. Yeah, we can look it up. But it comes from comfidre, and fidre means to trust.

To trust yourself or trust other people.

What does come mean? It means with. It means with trust.

Wow. It could be with trust, but yourself.

I think it's been missed. That's my point. I think it's been, I think it's like a conspiracy requires, a conspiracy requires two people. You cannot have a conspiracy with one person. It's a co-whispering. You know, you commit the crime of conspiracy when you tell someone something and you're both in on it. So I think confidelity, confidence is the same thing. I think it's at least two people who undertake the task of trust and reliance.

So she was coaching you and you saw a change with over a few weeks of her confidence built.

Her confidence built.

And her belief in herself.

Her belief in herself. grew when she was in service to helping me, to helping me.

And so, and so that goes back.

To the root of the question, how do you build your self-confidence? Or how do you overcome self-doubt? How do you overcome self-doubt? Help someone else overcome self-doubt.

I love that.

I love that.

Overcome self-doubt by helping, and it's not a selfish thing. I'm only helping you so I can. You have to genuinely love and commit to the person, this person that you're helping. You have to genuinely care about their success and their confidence and their lot in life. So, it's so true.

Everything comes back to service.

And like I said, it goes back to the origins of humankind, right? Which is we are naturally tribal animals and we actually are at our best when we are in service to each other in a cause greater than ourselves.

The more we focus on what we're lacking, what we don't have, what's not working for us, the challenges we're going through, the more doubt we're gonna have.

Correct.

When we're inwardly focused on what we don't have.

Oh, I wish we'd had this conversation about eight months ago, 'cause I would have written half the stuff in this book.

Well, I'm writing a book on this stuff right now.

Well, 'cause this is what the infinite mindset is all about. A finite mindset is win-win-win, be number one, be the best. Me, me, me.

Win-win-win, meaning win at all costs, not Win-win.

Correct. Not win-win, win-win. It's win, come a win, come a win.

Because the infinite game is yous win, I win, the world wins. Right? We all win. Humanity wins.

It's a whirlwind.

That's what it is. It's not win-win.

Right.

So.

We are players in infinite games every day of our lives, whether we like it or not. There's no such thing as being number one in marriage. Like good luck with that.

Right, that's not gonna work.

There's no one who's declared the winner of life. And there's no such thing as winning business or winning global politics. But if we listen to too many leaders, they talk about being number one, being the best and beating their competition.

This was me in my entire life.

Yeah, it's a lot of that.

Until like six, seven years ago when I learned that doesn't work.

And you're an Olympian.

Well, I haven't made the Olympics, but I'm on the Olympic handball team, yes.

On the national team.

Okay, whatever.

You're at the highest levels of athletics. Yes. And you know this from spending time with athletes, which is individual athletes.

I know, it's all about-- Right.

Where team athletes tend to be a lot healthier. So like individual athletes, when they reach the top of their game, Michael Phelps, Andre Agassi, they become the greatest in the world, The next thing that happens to them is depression, right? Where as team athletes, you win the World Series, you win the Super Bowl, it doesn't like deep depression is not the next thing that happens to them. Some people maybe, but not in general, yeah. Not in general. And the, you know, Olympic athletes are.

Such a unique, and I talked to a bunch of them for this piece. Especially the gymnasts who are like 16.

You have a billion people watching you, you win the gold medal, now what? And it is one of the most selfish finite pursuits because the entire pursuit is I'm gonna be number one.

The gold medal.

And they all say the same thing, I want to win the Olympics. Well, you don't actually win the Olympics, you win one event.

Yeah.

You know, but they all say the same thing, I'm gonna win the Olympics, right? And then they say nonsense like, you know, no one inspire all the little children. Not a single one of them on their vision boards has pictures of little children overcoming adversity. You know, they have pictures of them standing on podiums Holding medals, holding trophies, or the vision boards. It's entirely a selfish pursuit. And any inspiration to little kids is just a lucky strike extra that's really good for the press conference. But not a single one of them is waking up doing it for the kids. I drag myself out of bed, I'm running in the rain, I miss Thanksgiving for the kids. Didn't happen, never, on any planet. It was for me. And so there's this You know, whether they meddle or not. When they're done, even if they were medalists, when they're done with the Olympics and their ability to pursue, they spent their entire lives from their childhood to adulthood striving to be number one, you know? And let's be honest, they're not the best. They're just better than everybody else that day.

That day.

Which is really funny to me, right? Which is, you can get a gold medal in pick a sport, ice skating, and you fell in your routine. But if everybody else fell twice... You're the best.

You're the best. Yes.

You're the winner. But you're not. You're just better than everybody else in the competition, because it's finite. And finite has known players, fixed rules, and agreed upon objectives. It's only the players. But it's not life. And there's an imbalance. Yes, finite games are very important. Finite games and finite objectives are essential in an infinite game, right? But the infinite game is the context. for those finite games. I need to excel or be the best here in order to X, right? And recognize that this is not the end all be all. The analogy for living with an infinite mindset is not about winning, right? The better analogy is exercise, right? So how do you be a healthy person? Well, you have to eat well, you have to sleep, get enough sleep, you have to nurse your personal relationships, and you have to exercise. If you do some of those things, you'll be healthier than doing none of those things, but you kind of have to do them all, right? Living an infinite mindset is the same thing. There's a series of practices. Do some, you'll be better than none, but you kind of have to do them all, right? And the way the finite mindset fits into it is I want to get into shape. I've been sitting on the couch for most of my life watching TV. I'm gonna get into shape and I have a fitness goal, a finite goal that I can easily measure, my weight. I can look on a scale and I can measure the progress and I've made the goal that I'm gonna lose this amount of weight by this date. And so I commit to a healthy lifestyle. I eat better, I exercise more, I'm getting more sleep and I'm watching the weight fall off and I miss my goal. I don't lose the amount of weight that I wanted to lose by the date time, yeah. So what? You're still healthier and you're on the road to being healthier and I can see for a fact that you absolutely will hit the goal later on. And even if you hit the goal, the problem is you can't stop exercising. You have to do it for the rest of your life. That's what an infinite mindset is. An infinite mindset is more like a lifestyle, which is yes, absolutely. Having finite goals is very important. We are absolutely driven by goals. We like measuring things. It is much easier to get into the lifestyle of exercise and the habit of it if I have metrics. Look at the insanity of Fitbits and things like that, which is overdone is actually unhealthy and has adverse- Obsessiveness, yeah. But we'll talk, you know, it's not a subject. But the point is it's helping people get up and have a healthier lifestyle. We like measuring stuff. It's just, it's a human thing, right? But it's not about winning. It's not about actually, it's not actually about the goal. The goal, goals and metrics are simply a way to help us measure speed and distance. I've lost this amount of weight over this amount of time, right? You cannot run a marathon without mile markers. It's unnerving. The mile markers help me measure how far I've gone. How far have I gone and how fast have I gone? And the metrics we have at work help us measure how far we're moving and how fast we're moving towards a vision that is, for all practical purposes, unrealizable. That's the infinite game. There's a context. And so when we beat ourselves up because we miss an arbitrary number by an arbitrary date, but the question is are we building a healthy organization? And I would rather organizations do all the right things to build a healthy organization even if they miss arbitrary dates. One of my favorite stories is Gary Ridge from WD-40. WD-40 is a public company. Huge company. It's a decent sized company, which is kind of incredible because it's basically oil. It's just basically oil. It's like basically what we're doing. It's basically WD-40. It's, you know, Very sophisticated Lubricrunt that was actually made for the space program. But by the way, we talked about fancy food and their offices for, they just moved into a new office recently. Their old offices were a dump.

Really?

And yet the morale, through the roof.

Why is that?

People love work, because it was never about the office. It was about the people. It's never about the office. It was about the people. Anyway, they have a lovely new office now, but it's still about the people. That's why I said before, You know, is it the food? Well, it depends on the company. Anyway, he was on one of his quarterly analyst calls and one of the analysts said, you, missed your numbers. And Gary said, no, I didn't. I missed yours. Mine are fine. Mine are fine. Wow.

Right?

And that's the point, which is we there's nothing wrong with having metrics and goals. Those are very important to human beings. But to what end? What are we serving?

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Bigger than ourselves, right? So my analogy is like an iceberg, right? So we know that the majority of an iceberg lies underneath the water. So when there's a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of the iceberg sitting above the ocean, right? It's the visionary who can see beneath the ocean. It's the visionary who stands there. And even though everybody sees a tiny or nothing, they can see nothing, the visionary is able to explain what exists in their imagination only. Okay? It only exists in their imagination. And they inspire a few people to join them because like, that's yes, we can do that. And they start working and a little bit of the iceberg shows. And a few people go, oh, it's gonna work. And so they commit to joining the movement. or the company, and a little more of the iceberg shows. And before too long, enough of the iceberg shows that people can go, this is a real thing. You're not insane and crazy. What you're doing is actually in reality. But the thing is, the vast majority of the iceberg still exists under the ocean. And so what the visionary does is constantly remind us where we're going and how much more we have to do. And though we can celebrate how much we've achieved, how much of the iceberg is sticking up above the ocean, the reality is we have way more work and when I die, it's still going to be the majority underneath the ocean.

What is the difference between a habit and a behavior and which one should we be focusing on more in order to get to where we want to be, changing our behaviors or changing our habits?

A habit is a subset of behavior. It's a pretty narrow subset actually if you look at the true scientific definitions. so Wendy Wood of University of Southern California is, I think, the world's expert on habit. And she would define it pretty rigidly as something you basically do automatically without almost consciously realizing you're doing it. Like you sort of make the coffee.

In the morning with the coffee maker.

You hit the button, you don't even remember. You shower your hair, right?

And you're like, did I do the shampoo already?

I was thinking about something else. You drop to work and you don't know how you got there. You're like, what? He's like, you're on autopilot, right? That's like, those are the really rote activities, like you hand sanitize if you're working in a hospital, you didn't even notice you did, did I do that already? Those are habits. I think there's been a lot of excitement and growth of, like in the popular press, the idea that a habit is anything that you want to repeat. And I think that would actually, a lot of the things that we think of and that we talk about casually as habits are probably more in the category of routines. which is different. Like often it's a, like if you're going to the gym, is it really a habit? You probably remember deciding to go to the gym, maybe you do it at a consistent time, maybe you do it a lot, but I would start calling a lot of these things more like routines if you want to talk about the non-academic. At any rate, you know, a little bit like inside baseball, who cares? But I do think it's interesting there's distinction in the processes that drive one versus the other. I mostly, I study behavior, which is like a super category. It's even above routines or habits where, and it's just all behavior change requires different behaviors to happen. Some of them are going to be on autopilot, some of them are going to be routine, and some of them are one-time decisions that have big implications for your life. So I actually think having all of those categories in mind when we think about change is really important as opposed to narrowly focusing one or the other.

So what is the definition of a behavior?

Ooh, that's an interesting one. Like what is a behavior? A behavior is an action you take. Like really everything is behavior. If it's inside your head, it's not a behavior, then it's like a judgment. But any actual action you take is a behavior.

Any action you take. So what are the most common behaviors that we have? that I guess hold us back and then what are the behaviors that-- okay.

I thought Ultra Performers-- Ultra performers, I was like breathing.

No, the most common behaviors that hold us back and then the most common behaviors of the ultra high performers, successful, you know, in business and sports, what are those behaviors that they tend to lean into? Versus the ones where people are stuck.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Trying to ask you questions you've never been asked here.

That's my goal. They're really great questions. Okay, let me start with some of the most common behaviors.

That keep us stuck.

That keep us stuck. Yes. Yeah, I think common behaviors where we get stuck are, and this is like, you know, what are the most common New Year's resolutions? They're to change those behaviors that we get stuck on. so the most common things we get stuck on are things related to our health, right? We aren't making good decisions about what we eat, what we drink, whether we smoke, whether we're physically active. Those are really common points where we get stuck. Our finances, right? Making good financial decisions on a daily basis about how we spend our money, how we save, who we give our money to. Those are places people often get stuck. We can get stuck in bad social loops. We sort of started by talking about relationships, so I think that's another place we get stuck, whether it's we're, you know, not, we feel like we're too shy, we're not meeting enough people, we're meeting the wrong people, we're in the wrong relationships. That's another area where we get stuck. I think education and career are sort of, I'd put them, because they're like one follows the other. And that's another category. Like if you're a student, you're trying to achieve, but we often get stuck on not really studying rigorously and, you know, putting the time in and the focus in, and then that converts to work. Where we're not being as productive as we could be, we're not setting ourselves up for success.

Ultra performers or the elite who are accomplishing all their goals and pursuing their dreams. What are those behaviors that they do really well?

So, I have never gone and interviewed the ultra performers and said, list for me all your behaviors. So, instead of answering your question perfectly, what I'm going to do is tell you some of the behaviors that research shows lead to great outcomes. And then certainly I have seen lots of top performers where I go, oh, They're doing great.

They're totally doing great.

It's great. So I think one of the most important things.

Is.

Leaning on structure as opposed to expecting to just sort of follow the Nike just do it mantra. And by the way, when you talked about how you're training for your marathon, I noticed you immediately went to all the structures.

Schedule, structure, accountability, coaching, investing money into it all so there's more investment in it. So it's like you've got to show up. Yes. That is like, for me, it's so ingrained in me that if you want to accomplish your goals, you've got to schedule these things you've got to do.

On a daily basis and make it like...

Break it down.

What's the daily goal? What's the daily goal?

When are you going to do it? What's going to cue you to do it? Who's going to watch you do it? Everything. Everything.

What's at stake for you? What's at stake for other people? What's the higher purpose that if you.

Don'T do this, who are you going to be hurting? And who is literally holding you accountable, right? Absolutely. You've got your coach involved.

Those are the kinds of things.

So structure is one of the leading academic, the research that shows which will help you get more results.

Yes, and there's so many pieces of that, and each one of them we could unpack and talk about studies from, okay, a big one is too often people say, I just have this big goal, this big, I think if I set a big audacious goal, and by the way, that's good, it's good to set stretch goals, but then you've got to break it down into the, What are you gonna do this week? What are you gonna do today? What are those component parts? And people get a lot further. Research by Albin Jerra, the late Albin Jerra of Stanford, great thinker, sort of did some of the pioneering work on this. We just did a field experiment where we tested with thousands of people who wanted to be volunteering 200 hours a year, and they had committed to that goal. And we found that just sending them reminders not to Volunteer 200 hours a year, but to volunteer four hours a week led to vastly better performance. Just that really simple change even in the way you communicate about this. When you invite someone to start saving $5 a day instead of $150 a month, you get vastly higher takeup rates.

Interesting.

Identical. So just little framing shifts where you think about let's break this down into the bite-sized component. Now it's harder to procrastinate on it. you can see how it's doable. It doesn't feel overwhelming.

So you're saying if my goal is to save $105 or invest $105 a month or whatever this is, are you saying it's not the best approach to say, I'm going to invest $105 a month, but I'm going to do $5 a day?

Yeah, so 100-- I can't remember what the-- yeah, it's 150 because it's 30 days roughly in a month.

150, as opposed to saying, I'm going to save or invest $150 a month. trick your brain into saying, I'm gonna invest $5 a day.

Right.

You're saying by doing that, what should happen?

We should have- Many more people raise their hand and say, I can do this.

As opposed to $150 is too big for some people.

It sounds big. You start thinking like, oh no, where am I gonna have to cut? That's a big, I'm not gonna get to go out to dinner three times that I thought I was gonna get to go out to, am I gonna make my rent? So you're focusing on that big category, $150, And this was an experiment that was done led by Hal Hershfield at UCLA with a savings app, Acorns. And they just invited people either, some people get randomly assigned, do you want to save $5 a day or $150 a month? It's literally the identical outcome. They will take $150 out of your account monthly. Monthly.

Yeah.

But framed it differently and you get vastly higher takeup.

Really?

Something like five times more people interested. It just feels doable.

Yes. And it's like anyone can find $5 in their couch or like car, like the change. It's like, I can't do this every day, but 150 bucks may be like a big stretch.

Right, but it is the same thing. And so that broken down goal is really important.

So as opposed, so it's like if you're working out as opposed to saying, I'm going to run, I don't know, 50 miles a week. It's like, that may seem like a lot, but I can run, what's that broken down to? Three miles, four miles a day, five miles a day. It's more doable than thinking about the big number, right?

Yeah.

That's interesting. How could you apply that in another area of life, do you think? In terms of fitness, in terms of finances, and what about relationships? I don't know.

I think you can break down most big goals into its component parts. It might not be as simple as literally redoing the math, but it might be, I want to have a better relationship and I want us to spend more quality time together. Let's try to spend a lot more quality time together this year. Well, first you can get more concrete than a lot of. And so say you had a monthly goal, it might be like, OK, I want to make sure that we go.

On.

Five just us dates a month to have that alone time. You might say that means every Friday plus one Saturday, we're going to do it. And that means once a week plus one week that has two times. Let's go map out when they are. It all becomes more bite-sized. and achievable. And this is again, you said you're like mapping out your schedules, these are the component parts that actually add up to achieving your goals.

And I really think of like, okay, what am I going to do this week? What am I going to schedule this week? Not like, I've got all this stuff to do for the next three months, like what can I do for the next few days? And what's coming tomorrow? And then, okay, I see the full week and how am I going to manage my time? And at the end of the week, wow, I can look at what I.

Created and I can be proud of.

It and build for the next week.

Yeah, so that's really important.

Yeah, and time's gonna keep passing, and in three months you're gonna look back and say, oh, look at all those steps I took to get to me where I'm at.

Absolutely.

Winning the LA marathon. I'm just kidding. Completing is the goal. Completing in five hours is my goal. Okay, so that's- so breaking down structure.

Let me add another super important strategy that I think a lot of high performers use that research supports. and this one I think is vastly underappreciated too. And it sort of relates to what I was poking at earlier, like the just do it Nike, like, no, that's not really right. I think this is really a misconception that's related to that. And this, the idea comes from research by Ayette Fischbach of the University of Chicago and Caitlin Woolley of Cornell. And what they showed is that if you ask people, when they have a big goal, what approach are they going to take to to try to get to it, most people say, like, I'm going to look for the most efficient route. It's all about efficiency. What's the most effective path to that end goal? That's how I go for it. And like a small fraction of people say something different. They say, I try to find a way that I'll enjoy getting to that end destination. Have fun.

Have fun.

So, so you could think about someone who wants to, we've been on marathons, say you're training for a marathon, you know, somebody who's like, I'm going to just Go to the gym and get on the treadmill.

Grind it out. Grind it out.

Just do it hard every day. Yeah. And another person is like, I'm gonna go on a run with a running group. We're gonna go through, you know, on the most beautiful trails that I know. We're gonna do it together. Maybe I'm even gonna download some great reading material, listening material before I go so that I have something fun in my ears. Those are really different paths, right? Like this one might be more efficient because you don't have to coordinate with other people. You'll do it every day. You're gonna like know exactly your mileage. it's going to be really controlled. But it turns out if you don't enjoy it, you don't persist. And so they've done experiments where they show that if you just actually encourage people to choose the most fun way to pursue an exercise goal or study, they did this with students in math class, giving them fun activities that were sort of going on in the background. You can use markers and play music and have snacks. versus just grind it out. People achieve more because they persist longer when they find ways to make it fun to do.

That's crazy.

What's good for them.

What's the greatest lesson you learned in the last year of working these two jobs? As you transition out of this job, what was the greatest lesson of overworking what it sounds like you were doing?

That success does not equal happiness. this. I remember when, I think it was three years ago, I had signed my highest draft pick ever. I had won, like, woman of the year, you know, had a number one overall pick and soft. But all these amazing things happening, made more money than I've ever made. And I remember looking back, I had made a birthday post, actually, like, oh, here's all the great things I did this year. I remember being like, man, this is the least happy I've ever been. And so I think I learned really quickly that success and happiness. I mean, people try to conflate those terms are very different. You can be successful and not be happy. And so for me, the Milestones don't make me happy. I'm very much a journey girl, right? The journey, it's all about, I want to get there. I want to get there. When I finally hit the goal, it's real anti-climatic for me. It's almost depressing. It's like, okay, I did it. Now what? So it was really a wake-up call. And what I'm trying to do is learn how to be present in the moment when I hit the goal, be okay with like, okay, I hit the goal, let's celebrate it. Like instead of it going to kind.

Of being like, well, what's next? Like taking a moment to really take it in.

Celebrating the success and the accomplishment of the years of hard work is so important. It is, but for me it's always, okay, well, what's the next goal? What's the next step? And that's unhealthy. You know, you need to be able.

To be okay with celebrating what you've done and taking a moment to live in that moment before going to the next.

Yeah, I think success doesn't equal happiness, but also, I think also you can.

Still be happy and successful at the same time.

You can, exactly. But it doesn't, you know, it's different and people think once I hit success then I will be happy. You've got to find happiness separately.

Before you become successful, be happy and success will add to it as more fun.

Exactly. It's really joy, right? Happiness is about what's happening.

Joy is eternal.

How much joy do you feel on a daily basis? It's something I'm working on. It's something I'm working on. I feel it, but my mom, I watch her, she doesn't have much, she never had much, but she's always just so joyful. She's got two paintings to rub together, but there's no one I've met who just is happier to be alive than her. And so, I look at her and I'm like, she doesn't have anything, and I have everything in her mind.

Interesting.

And our outlooks on life are just so different, you know? And so, yeah, I mean, it's something I'm working on. It's not like I'm not happy all day.

What's the greatest lesson your mom taught you?

I mean, she instilled in me my faith. You know, I'm really blessed to have learned about Jesus from my mom. You know, she gave me nothing else except, you know, how to worship Jesus and how to be a giver. Those are the two things, but I feel like they were the most important gifts of my life.

That's cool. What about greatest lesson from your dad?

That's a tough one. He's an immigrant, you know. He came over here with nothing and, you know, had to hustle. He definitely taught me, you have to survive. You know, you gotta, no matter what the circumstances are, he kind of taught me to survive. You know, I knew how to survive as a kid. I think now that I'm older, I'm trying to go from surviving to thriving. You know, stop living in a survival mode, 'cause I can do that. I can do that well. learned how to do that. So it's like, okay, now how about thriving? And like you said, living in abundance.

And being okay with spending your money and enjoying the moment. An influencer or content creator, you're like working at a law firm and then, you know, like representing other personal brands essentially, athletes and influencers. So how do you learn to build your own personal brand and why is it important for every individual to build.

Their personal brand, whether in a corporation or not? Actually, I have a whole chapter on this in my book about building a brand. I believe every Professional is a brand. Lawyers, doctors, etc. I think we always look at entrepreneurs and influencers as the people that have brands. Once I learned that we're all brands, it really changed my career. You know, I decided to build a brand because I wanted to get athletes to come to me. I didn't have time to recruit like other agents because I had another job. And so I had to get creative and I thought, okay, if I have a brand where I'm a household name, where when somebody thinks of a sports agent, first name or one of the first names that comes to mind, then I've done it right.

How'd you do that?

Man, it starts with picking out your pillars of your brand, right? I think every brand has a few pillars and everything you do falls under those pillars. Like for me, it's sports and it's women empowerment and mentorship. And so when I'm posting on my social media or on my website, anything that is on that page is under one of my pillars.

Yeah.

And so finding what that brand kind of parameters are and then being consistent with it. You know, your followers and your fans, they sign up for something, giving them what they signed up for.

When did you start really going all in on kind of content and building a brand online?

I would say it's been about three or four years. That's when I first started. You know, it was a slow start, but I just, I remember making a decision like, I'm gonna be the first agent everyone thinks of. I'm gonna make a decision. Like, it was very intentional. I'm about to build a brand as a sports agent. and it has not been done. I think most people probably know of Jerry McGuire, the fictitious agent, maybe one or two agents, but you can't name a sports agent just naturally. Right. And so I made the decision. I said, you know what? When people think of that, they're gonna think of me.

That's cool.

But everyone should feel that way. If you're a baker, you want people to think of you first if they need a cake.

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And do you think of like, okay, there's, I don't know, 20,000 sports agents. I'm just making up, how many are there out of that?

900 in a field.

I'm not a realtor.

Yeah.

Okay. I'm way off. But there's a thousand, let's say, agents. How do you, do you think of, like, I'm gonna lean into my uniqueness?

Like, yeah.

Use the differences or the uniqueness, the talents that I have and not try to be like the other agents, but.

Just go all in obnoxiously on who I am. Is that what you think of? 100. Living in my authentic self every single day. Yeah. I decided to show up exactly who I am every day. you know, and I think I wouldn't be on this podcast. I wouldn't have a book if I didn't make that decision day one that I was gonna be me.

Right.

You know, I got a lot of advice early on to blend in and I was like, you know what? I'm not taking that advice. I'm gonna be who I am.

Yeah.

There's a quote from a woman named Sally Hogshead who says, Different is better than better.

Mm.

And being different is better than better because you're going to be unique, you're going to be stand out, you're going to be a one-oF-A-Kind and you may not be better than the best sports agent at this moment, but you're different and that's better for you than being better.

I agree.

And I think if people can approach that and say, what makes me unique and how can I lean into that more and more? Like for me, I'm a big salsa dancer and I wasn't posting salsa stuff until recently, and it's getting the most engagement and comments and people are like, Post more of this.

Yep.

You know, playing guitar with my brother who's an amazing jazz violinist and they're like, Post more of this. These are unique things for me that I haven't always shared and I'm trying.

To lean into it more and more.

And I think that's... You are the secret sauce. Exactly. No one else can do the talents that you have. The experience you have, the life you.

Grew up from, the lessons, the whatever. Even if you give them the recipe, If I give you my spaghetti recipe, the exact instructions, your sauce is still gonna taste different.

Different.

'Cause I'm the secret sauce. You're the secret sauce.

Exactly. Exactly. People are gonna be attracted to you. I love this. What's a question you wish more people would ask you that they don't ask?

Oh man, that's a good question. What do I wish they asked me but that they don't ask? How are you? How are you feeling?

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling pretty good. I'm feeling okay. I'm a little tired. I get a lot of questions about how to get in the business and, like, when I meet people, how to be a sports agent. And I think people forget, like, hey, I'm a human. And, you know, more of the, like, checking in, like, how are you doing? Like, where, you know, you. How's your mental health? How's your physical health? How's. How's Nicole Lynn doing?

Not agent Nicole Lynn.

How's Nicole Lynn doing?

Personal Nicole Lynn.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I think We'll kind of forget about that. That's what I'm gonna do over the next 30 days.

Every day.

How are you? Once a week. No, once a week. Once a week I'm gonna check in with you. We're gonna create a list. Oh my gosh. Send it to you.

August 1st.

August 1st. Yeah, we'll give it to August 1st.

The start of the month.

Gotta have the August one. You can't start it yet. Yeah, exactly. And we'll do that August 1st. I'm gonna text you.

I can do it. Every week. I'm gonna have you text me on.

The weekends when you've completed the week. And I want to check in on you for four weeks.

I'm gonna be like an NFL training camp, and I'm gonna be working out in the hotel.

Work out with the guys, you know?

It's just like, I'll jump in there.

Exactly.

Kill them. I love this. You've got this book we've been talking about called Agent you: Show Up, Do the Work, and Succeed in your Own Terms. People can get it online, they can go to bookstores.

Where's a place they can connect with you personally? And where's the website?

For more about you.

AgentnicholIn.com or AgentnicholIn on Twitter, Instagram. Where do you hang out more, Twitter, Instagram or both?

I'd say both.

Twitter, it's heavy, heavy sports. So if you like sports, Instagram you'll get mostly sports, but mentorship. I like to post kind of the blueprint of how I am a sports agent.

If you ever want to get into sports, I put all the tips on my page. That's cool. Yeah, it's fun. see my guy Emmanuel and Sarah both on the back praising for you both friends of mine. So it's inspiring to see.

Gabrielle Union wrote the foreword. That's awesome.

Where's her name on it? I know she's a good... You gotta put her name on the front. You know what I'm saying? Foreword by Gabrielle Union.

Yeah.

You gotta leverage that. That's good marketing. This is a question I ask everyone at the end of our interviews called the Three Truths. Okay. Question. So I'd like you to imagine a hypothetical the hypothetical scenario. Okay. It's your last day on Earth many years away from now. It's really sad. It is. The most depressing.

No, you've lived as long as you want to live. Okay.

200 years. Perfect. You live 200? Clearly. And then it's your last day.

Okay.

Eventually you gotta call it quits, right? Okay. On this life. And you've accomplished all your dreams. You've lived the life that you want to live. You do self-care every day. You're helping athletes. You're doing all these, whatever your dream life is, and you actually create it from here until whenever you pass. But for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your materials with you or it's got to go somewhere else. So your book, your content, the things you've said, no one has access to this anymore. It goes to the next place, somewhere else. But you get a piece of paper and a pen and you get to write down three things you know to be true, three lessons. And this is all we would have to be reminded of you from your all of your work and all of your material, all these three lessons that you would share with the world.

-Wow.

-That they would have to use in whatever they wanted to use. What would you say are those three truths for you?

-God is real.

-Mm-.

The second truth is that finding your purpose is the most important mission of your life. And the third, marry the right person. Marry the right person.

Man. Why does that seem to be so hard for so many people?

It's tough. People are always like, how are you so successful? What's the number one thing you can tell me to do? Marry the right person. I couldn't do what I do if I had married someone else.

This would be draining.

Yeah, it's a support system. You're a team. It's a partnership. And that partnership is critical to your success. That's a whole other book.

Right, right. How long have you been married for?

Nine years.

How did you know that it was the right person?

Man, I just knew. Isn't that crazy? I just knew. I was one of those, I mean we dated for like 10 months and then we're married.

Wow.

I'm one of those stories. It's like we dated and like six weeks in, it's like I guess that you're probably my husband. I think you are, you know? And just here we are, people thought we were nuts. We're going now on our 10th year.

Wow.

I was like, I think it worked out.

What's been the key to knowing it's a great fit or it's aligned. And then the key to also sustaining it and making sure it stays that way.

Yeah, for 10 years. The sustaining is that love is not enough.

I've been saying that so much lately. Love is not enough.

Not at all. And you have to make a decision every day to stay married. Marriage is very hard. People don't talk about that. People like to make it look like it's all roses and it's hard. You show up every day. It's like going to work every single day and choosing to love someone.

Wow.

You know, it's an action. But yeah, love is not enough. You know, compatibility, chemistry, I mean, there's so many different factors here that are important. And I wish I could say it's just all about love and it's not. It's BS.

You guys had all that other stuff though.

You had the physical. Well, you know, some of it grew over time. We're very different. Some of it grew over time. Some of it was, we're very different in these things and we've got to learn how to live with these It's because no one's changing.

Right, you accept each other. If you don't accept each other, it's gonna be miserable.

You accept it or leave, right? And so we made the choice, okay, we're gonna stay. So as we make that choice every day, what does that look like? What does it mean when you wake up every day to make the choice to fight for your marriage? You're fighting for your marriage even when the marriage is great.

Every day you wake up, you're fighting for your marriage. Love's not enough. Love's not enough. I've been saying that. That's a good sign. I want to acknowledge you, Nicole, for a moment for your gifts, for everything you've done to overcome from getting food at eight and nine that's helped you and your brother to forking a driver's license, to just doing whatever it takes to survive and to thrive and to be an example for other people. I acknowledge you for making the big Risk taking the risk to leave something that you've been comfortable with for a long time which is probably not hard to leave. Yeah and to go all in on something that you're really passionate about. Yeah. I acknowledge you even though maybe you wanted to do it sooner you did it at the right time for you. Yeah. And I acknowledge you for not beating yourself up. It's like a lot of us beat ourselves up for things we didn't do. Yeah. You should have done and you're just like, you know, it's the right timing and it needed to happen this way. I acknowledge you for allowing me to try to bring out of you the things that might be lacking that could support you, that could take you to the next level. Because that's part of my mission is to help serve people get to their next level. So, I acknowledge you for saying you're committed to this and I'm gonna check in on you.

Please do.

And yeah, everything you're up to, I'm really excited about it. It's been great to meet you. Yes.

I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me on your show.

Of course, of course. My final question is what's your definition of greatness?

Oh, man. Definition of greatness. Man, wow. I could just write an essay on what does it mean to be great? You know, I think about greatness. I think about not whether you have what it takes. I believe almost everybody has what it takes. I think people don't think that. I think everybody has what it takes, but it's, Will you do what it takes? And that's the difference. A lot of people listening, you have what it takes, but will you do what it takes to be great? Greatness is doing whatever it takes to get there.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes, episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus Channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you of.

No one has told you lately that.

You are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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