The 5 Red Flags In Dating You Should Never Ignore EP 1182

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Think Beyond Sex how do you teach.

Men to do that when that's all they've been conditioned to think?

Well, here's how.

Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur, and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Today's episode is special because it's focusing on the biggest red flags in dating that you should never ignore. And we've had so many incredible conversations with the top relationship experts and therapists in the world that I know will help you gain clarity on wherever you currently are in your love life. And in this episode we discuss the biggest mistakes you're most likely making in your relationship with my friend and relationship expert Matthew Hussey. Why it's so important for both individuals values to match with psychotherapist Esther Perel how to understand the difference between love and lust with expert Devon Franklin. How to make sure you're not in the wrong relationship, and how to begin a new relationship with Dr. Shefali. And how to communicate and understand your partner better in order to prevent arguments and a breakup with my man Stefan speaks. And if you're inspired by this, make sure to share this with someone that you think would love hearing this as well. And if this is your first time here, quick reminder to follow and subscribe to the School of Greatness and let us know the part of this episode you enjoyed the most by leaving us a review over on Apple Podcast with your thoughts and inspiration. And today's Fan of the Week is from Agnewicks, who said, the universe always guides us to find the right path. And mine is the School of Greatness podcast. Words cannot describe how much this podcast helped me to finally find myself, learn, grow, and become the best version I can be. I'm so grateful for this show and all the guests, their honesty, their challenges, and the inspirational stories. So big. Thank you again for being the Fan of the week. And if you want a chance to be shouted out on the podcast as a Fan of the Week, leave us a review at the end of this episode. Okay, in just a moment, we'll break down the red flags in relationships that you should never ignore. In this section, Matthew Hussey breaks down the biggest reason why relationships can fall apart after you're in a relationship for a while and past the honeymoon phase. What's the biggest mistake people find today when trying to find their love or find someone that they, you know, their soulmate?

Oh my God.

What's the biggest mistake? Is it being yourself?

It's, I, I, I think there's a, something of a sense of entitlement that most of us have or the most people have when they're going out to date where they somehow feel like they're just owed the love of their life, that it shouldn't be difficult, that, that they don't have to do anything, that it's enough that they are just them. You know, it's the, you know, that there's, I don't know if you've ever seen Bridget Jones, but there's a, there's a line in Bridget Jones where forget his name. Colin Firth, I think it is. He's, he's looking at Bridget and he's, I think he says, I love exactly how you are. I love you. Like, no changes nothing. I love you exactly how you are. And it sometimes we Feel like we're owed that, and it kind of becomes an excuse again to grow not to. You know, I don't. Frankly, it doesn't really matter what you think you're owed in love, no one cares.

I think it's the same thing with work. And, you know, people are entitled and they think they should just get a job.

Yeah. And so the biggest criticism I get all the time, which I'm happy with as a criticism of my advice, is, well, why do you need to do all of this stuff? Why can't you just, you know, go through life and. And, you know, when the time is right, you'll know. Why do you have to do all of these techniques? I'm happy with that criticism. If you. If you. If that's what you think, you're not my audience, because my audience are the same people that go to a business seminar to make more money. They're the same people that say, you know what? If I want to start a business, I might actually need to know what the hell I'm doing. It's not enough to have confidence in life. You have to have competence.

Yeah.

You have to actually know what you're doing. And that's what a lot of people don't know in their love lives. If you. For example, there's. There's something I come. I came to understand. I was. I remember once having a breakup. It was the most painful breakup I've ever had. I was really, really in a bad way over it. And a while later, I spoke to this. To this woman on the phone, and I had said to her on the. In a brave moment on the phone, I said, why did. Why did you want to breakup? Because, by the way, you talked to.

The one you were dating.

Yeah.

The one that had later on the phone later, like a year or two later, it was less raw feeling a little.

How long was the relationship for?

A couple of years. Okay.

Wow.

And. And I was. I was pretty caught up about it. Now, the funny thing was, to make a long story short, she had actually done something I didn't like and that I thought was inappropriate and disrespectful. And I remember going to her the next day and saying, I think we need to break up a relationship.

She did this.

Yeah.

Yeah. And she then said to me, okay, that was when I knew she was breaking up with me. It wasn't. It wasn't. You know, when you. You think you're breaking up with them.

No, no, she was already doing it.

She was breaking up with me. And it was what was so painful about it is that she was. She didn't mind. I was. I thought she might get upset. I thought, no, she didn't mind. And that was the most painful part about it. And I should even fake it.

You know, most women would have fake that. They. I can't believe this. But they're really. I know.

She looked like she was. Okay, this is a good decision. So I. So I remember a while later, we were on the phone and we became. We're friends today. We're very good friends, in fact. And I had said to her on the phone, why did we break up? I said, what. What was it for you that I wasn't doing? And I braced myself for the answer. She said, do you really want to know?

Honest feedback.

And I said, I literally thought to myself, wait, do I really want to know? And I said, I grit my teeth and I went, yeah, I want to know. She said, you were boring. And wow, there was so much worse than I thought it would be. Do you know what I mean? Like, not. Not just like, oh, well, you know, it was just. I was young and I was, you know, wanted to be free. No, you were boring. It was really cutting. And I. I remember resisting the urge to bite back. And I said, I wasn't boring, exactly. I said, no, you're. Shut up, idiot. You asked the question, so now listen. So I said, why was I boring? She said. She said, when I first met you, you were the most ambitious person I'd ever met. And she said, I never met someone with such an ability to decide they want something, then get it. And she said it was so sexy. She said, but as we went into our relationship, the more time went on, the more that was all you were. You were super ambitious. You knew how to get what you want, but you were so one dimensional, you know, it was all you did. Even in our free time, you were just. You're on the phone, you're on your laptop, you would talk about your business. You were always talking shop. There was never anything else you had to talk about. We didn't do anything spontaneous. We never went and had adventures. It was just all one track. And she said it got boring.

Yeah.

And said, wow, she was right. She was right. There was nothing I could argue with. And I realized something in that moment. The thing that makes that one quality can make you really attractive, right? But it won't keep.

Someone can make you get the person, right.

It can make you sexy, it can make you intriguing, mysterious, right? But it can, even for a time, make Someone worship or idolize you. One quality, but one quality will not hold someone because the reality was there was a flip side to ambition which would have made it eminently more attractive. And there are a few. Right. If you pair ambition, say with an ability to enjoy life, now that person is really sexy. Sexy. You, you, you combine ambition with a sense of spontaneity.

For example, adventure.

Very, very sexy.

Yes.

Ambition on its own is, when you look at it from afar, very, very attractive. You go, women will say, I want an ambitious man. I like that. But when they get up close, if it's only one side to a coin, it quickly becomes unattractive. Someone I'm a big fan of or unfortunately as passed. But Christopher Hitchens, he, he once said about love that the challenges in not allowing your strengths to negate themselves. And that's very powerful statement because my ambition was my greatest strength that also had the ability to be the thing that crippled me. Because what happens is when you get good at something and you get validation.

From it, keep doing it and get.

Better at it and it becomes, if you're not careful, a muscle that you, that you train to the point of mutation and then every other part of you is, is, is not working. Is. It has atrophied.

Yeah.

So now you have a complete imbalance. It's like a. You know, I remember working out of the gym once in my trainer. I was, I was doing pull ups and was trying to work out my back. My back was fine, I could keep going. And then all of a sudden my, my forearms gave up while I was trying to pull myself up. And I said, this is so annoying. We're trying to work my back, but my four and my back's fine, but my forearms have given up.

Right.

He said, you're only as strong as your weakest link. If you're, if your forearms aren't, aren't there, you're not going to be able to train your back as well as you could. Yeah. So, so here's the point about this, which I find very interesting about dating to your point of what's the biggest mistake people make apart from of course the entitlement. It's over reliance on a key strength that they have come to rely on as their source of validation. Success, Confidence.

Right.

Over reliance on that I had come to over rely on essentially being ahead of the curve for my age.

Yeah.

That was like the thing that I was always based my confidence on was I am way ahead of the curve for people my age.

My business is going great.

Correct. The people I grew up with in my age group are not where I.

Am, just still living at home.

Guess what? That alone is boring. Yeah, it's boring. And it doesn't make an interesting rounded, sexy person.

The.

But when you combine it with something else, it becomes what I call unique pairing. It's a bit like if I, if I wanted to really get a woman attracted tonight, not me, but like send a guy out to get a woman attracted, I could literally, if he went in and he was a little cocky and teasing, but in the right way. Not an arrogant obnoxious, but just he knew how to taste, he knew how to play with her. And then a couple of hours in later, you know, maybe it's getting late, he comes out of the restroom and after being teasing and playful and silly, he says, you know what? It's getting late. I called you a car. I don't want you walking outside. And he says, I have to go as well. I have to get up early. He takes her outside, he gives her a little kiss. He says, all jokes aside, I've had the best night with you tonight. I'll call you later this week. Puts her in the car, car drives away. That woman will be going, oh, crap, I like this guy. Now, the reason wasn't because he was a gentleman and it wasn't because he was cocky and teasing. It was because he was both. Yeah, it's the.

And if he does just one thing, it's not interesting enough because you can.

Replace the cocky guy like that. Women know that. Yes, they can go out tonight and meet a cocky guy in Hollywood any night of the week. They can go out the next. They don't even have to go out the next night. They can turn to their left and meet another one straight away. By the way they, even though people complain about chivalry, is dead. You can go out and meet a gentleman, you can go meet lots of nice guys.

That's all they are are.

Right.

Incredibly boring. Women will never. They don't hold a woman.

Right.

So. But now you find like what seems to be a good man but with an edge. That's a unique pairing.

Yes.

And that's someone that becomes not an attraction, but an addiction. Oh, and there's a. And there's a big, big difference. So I believe that we will actually, I believe these pairings already exist within us. But we've over trained certain muscles, we've over trained certain qualities that we've gotten used as habit.

Yeah.

For some people it's being funny. For other people is being Intellectual. And they always. They're the person that knows everything about everything. They've read every book, they can always quote so and so for others, it's being seductive. That's the thing they got really good at. So they're really good at, you know, getting someone into bed or getting someone sexually attracted, but they're never the person you want to eat pizza with the next day, you know? So it's like. It's finding those combinations that make you go, oh, my God. The person I was with last night, they were this. And they were. This is the. And the. And is where I wonder what else they could do. And you're. And by the way, that's what makes it so hard. I say this to everybody. If you want to know why you found it so hard to get over a certain ex, look for the unique pairing.

Because they had multiple things. There was.

There was some unique pairing that made you feel like they were difficult to replace. Oh, and that's what scares us. The more unique pairings you have, the more you become a rare bird in the dating marketplace.

Right.

And when you become rare, people get really terrified of losing you. And that's always the case whenever you think of someone you've lost and you think, like, your heart aches for having lost them for, like, months and months. Yeah. It's because you go. It's not because you go, they were good in bed. It's because you go, they were good in bed. And they made me laugh. Like. Like, I never find that nice to.

My parents, and I took them home.

And she was a sweetheart to my.

There's.

There's those moments where you go, God, I can't find this person again. And that terrifies you. So again, to be more positive about it, be the person that has the unique pairings that other people are terrified of losing.

Yeah. You know, I like this because I feel like. Well, I don't feel like. But the statistics show that the divorce rate is up higher than ever right now. Right. Isn't it something like 50%?

I don't know. You hear. I hear these. No, I hear 50% banded around how accurate it is.

I don't know, but it seems like people are getting married multiple times and they're easy to get out of relationships. They're, you know, and I'll speak for myself, and I am a lot of fears about long term commitments. You know, most of my relationships are a year, maybe longer, but usually about a year. And then I'm like, either bored or I get scared because I have My own walls. And I still get to grow and learn. For sure. I'm curious, why do you think so many people bail in relationships? And why do you think so many people are getting divorced more than ever now?

Oh man, that's a big question. I, well, there are, I think there are a number of things I can have a stab at this. I, I think firstly, there is less of a stigma now than there has ever been about divorce.

It's okay now. Right?

Right. No, you know, and certainly there are parts of the world where it's not and there are certain religions and cultures where it's not. But, but certainly less than ever.

Sure. Let's speak in America at least. Right.

There's less of a stigma.

Yeah.

About divorce. We don't feel like complete failures in the same way that we might once have or we wouldn't have. There would have been a time where we would have been outcast from society. Yes. For it. So there's that. I think there's also a great sense of entitlement these days where people feel like they're owed and you know, marriage is, you've met the right person, so it's supposed to all feel great. And when it doesn't feel great and when it's not all working, there must be something wrong with this person. Not with me. Not with the amount of effort I'm investing into this relationship. There must be something wrong with this person. Ah, it turns out they're not the one after all. I thought they were, but they're not. The search continues. So, so the entitlement has people believing that it shouldn't be effort. And, and that's a very dangerous way to think of relationships. It's very. If you really want to see who someone is in their relationship, talk to them about sex and, and passion and, and desire in their long term relationship and you'll get some very heated answers because some people will, will, will say it's absolutely paramount. We, you know, you have to maintain that passion. You have to find new ways to excite each other. With me and my partner, we're always searching, we're always exploring each other. We're always trying to figure out like, what's going to turn you on tomorrow? What's the, like how do I, how do I do something that's. That you didn't predict or how do I get you to know me a little less so that you get desire again, you know, whatever it is. Other people, and I've had hosts on TV get very, very uptight and upset over this issue. And it's usually they're overplaying their hand. When they do, they'll say, you want Matt. It's different when you're in a marriage, when you're, when you have kids, when you're in those situations, it's different, right? You, you don't, you, you can't just think of it like that. You don't think other things become more important. And, and I always know who they are in their relationship when those things happen. Because people, I think, don't go into relationships with a healthy view of what is required over the long term.

And what is required.

Well, there's a woman who is a great authority on this called Esther Perel, and she talks about the difference between love and desire. And I'm a big fan of her work, and I think she articulates it very, very well that in relationships you have to have both love and desire. Desire, Love isn't enough. Love is the thing that makes me want to get close to you. When I, when I, when I feel things for you, I want to know your mind. I want to know everything there is to know about you. I want to know what you're thinking. I want to know what you're doing tonight. I want to know who your friends are. I want to become friends with them. I want to get close to your mom. I want, like it's all these things. That's love, the desire to almost become merged. But desire exists in the space between two people. And so you feel desire when there's a void and when there's some mystery and when you're still getting to know someone. So desire, ironically, is the thing that ends up creating love. Because desire is like, I want to get close to you because I don't have you. And then when I get close, we feel feelings of love, but not desire.

Now.

In this section, Esther Perel shares why it's so crucial for values with your partner to match and what happens, happens when they don't match up. How many values in common do you need to have with your partner? Life partner?

Because the important ones, it's not how many, but there are a few of them that are really, that are really important.

Which ones would you say that make or break based on your experience?

I think I'm not going to say them in order of importance, but one of them that really matters is your relationship to others.

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Quince.com Lewis if you are a person that values relationships, that sees the presence of others in your life as central and you are with somebody who does not want community or does not know how. I mean, I'm talking not about what they would like to learn through you, but their value is you do things alone, you live alone, you rely on yourself. You know, you don't bring people over to the house. I have a couple I just spoke with yesterday, you know, and he loves to have people over and she just. Nobody should come ever to the house.

She wants her space.

Her space, the whole thing. And I'm thinking, wow, this is a tough one. Not just about the house. It's. His whole life is about being with people and her whole life is about not being with people necessarily. That's not how she experiences him. Now the question is, is she drawn to more of what he has to offer and is he drawn to more of what she. If these are totally, then okay, different values come together and they mix and match. But if you have these two separations like that. So that's one. One of the beautiful questions I ask in how is Work? Is were you raised for autonomy or were you raised for loyalty? Were you raised for self reliance or were you raised for interdependence? Which one would you say?

For me it was self reliance. Meaning what?

Nobody will ever help you as well as you can help yourself. You only have yourself to count on. Don't trust people. You're on your own body. Or raised for interdependence, loyalty. You're never alone. There's people around you. You owe others, others are there for you. Relationships is what makes you.

I think I was both based on like circumstances.

Correct. The circumstances made you reliable because you were alone with mom, but the messaging was you have me.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Okay.

So I think both.

I think that question is a fundamentally interesting question.

Okay.

That people can ask themselves when they partner in business and in love, raise.

For self Reliance or loyalty? Yeah, okay.

Interdependence. Are you part. Do you see yourself as connected to others and it's your connections that give you a sense of anchoring meaning, relevance, importance in all of that, or do you see yourself as fundamentally on your own? I think travel, curiosity. You often will have a complementarity between one person who is curious and eager to discover and goes on, you know, and then another person. Your question about wants to be alone.

Or doesn't want to travel once.

It's doesn't want. But it's also likes comfort, likes repetition, likes the familiar. I think the religious values, if you have a person who you know, those matter a great deal. Children, do you want family or do you not want family? If you want a family, then make sure that you find someone who wants a family.

What's the point of being like, what.

Are you going to do? Try to convince them? Now, I don't think you have to have the same values on everything. I think you have to have a similar outlook on life, which is a vision, like exactly the same as when you. A vision. Do you, you know, do you want to own a home? Do you think that economic achievement is important? Do you want to live in an extended family? You think that living intergenerationally really is important. And you have somebody else who says, you know, I don't want your parents over, you know, do you want to live in more than one place? You know, I think these are essential. You know, money, feelings or emotions, religious beliefs, attitude toward life. It's not a specific value about something. A value is a cluster of things. It's a cluster of importance, of systems of meanings. That's a value.

And you may not find someone with everything is the same, but someone with a similar mindset is what you're saying.

I met a husband of mine with whom I am for more than three decades, who had never left the US When I met him, really, I never knew such a person existed. Coming from Europe, that was unheard of.

You lived in Europe?

No, he lived in the States. He was American. I came from Europe. In Europe, you travel everywhere, all the time, even if you have nothing. You work one month, you get the money, and then you go to the next country, which is two hours away.

I never traveled outside of the U.S.

He had never been outside of the U.S. well, he will always tell me he'd been to the Virgin Islands, but, you know, for the rest. And I thought, oh, my God, how does one you know who is such a person? But I knew it was because of the circumstances of his life and that if he could, he would. And he was intensely curious. If you just said, oh, he's never traveled, then you misinterpret. You don't want to just look at the manifest thing of, you know, you want to say, and behind this, is there someone who would actually like that, who just hasn't had the opportunity and is curious and just says, let's go. So don't get fooled just by what you see. Find out what is the belief behind it, the aspiration, the longing, the interest. And then you get a sense of what is the value.

Do you think it's. I'm gonna go back to expectation. Do you feel like we should lower or should diversify expectations or. What did you say the word was?

Calibrate.

Calibrate expectations. Or should we be finding someone that can reach that expectation that we want?

No, I think it's just impossible. I think you need to calibrate.

Calibrate. Always calibrate, too.

You calibrate. You constantly will be disappointed. Do you know a single relationship where you haven't been disappointed? Okay. I mean, disappointment is. Which can lead to suffering. It's part of a relationship. The minute you have a relationship, you have an expectation. That expectation means that you want something. Love, closeness, intimacy, partnership, you know, business, affiliation. You name it creates dependence. The moment you have an attachment, you have dependence. That dependence means that you have power or I have power. If I expect something from you, I confer power on you. You have power over me, I have power over you. By definition, there will be moments when that power doesn't go in the direction that I want.

And I'll be disappointed.

I'll be disappointed. Is there a single child that didn't have a disappointment from their parents? It doesn't exist. This idyllic thing you're talking about, it doesn't exist. The next thing is, what do you do with that disappointment? Hey, can I come tell you, I'm really disappointed. You let me down. I thought we were in this together. I trusted you. And you say, I see your point. Or do you say, what the hell are you talking about? You're just inventing this. You're delusional. None of the. You know, and everything in between. That's how you do a relationship. It's really based on the repair. It's not based on the.

It's how we heal the disappointment.

Yes. It's how you repair all these breaches moment by moment. You come back, you know, and the repair is not. I am so sorry. Repair may sometimes be, hey, do you want a glass of water? Or hey, did you see this article in the newspaper? John Gottman has this very interesting thing about that. He says the repair is not that you come and you do a mea culpa. It's that you do what he calls bids for connection. You show the other that they still matter. I brought a newspaper in at a time when we still had newspapers. That was one of his examples. You know, I brought a paper in, like I think of you. I'm pissed at you. You just annoyed me. We just had a spatula. But you still care about you. I still care. You're still in my life.

I still respect you. So it's how we repair disappointment on a daily or weekly or monthly basis. Minutes sometimes is the success of the relationship.

And that means also how you come and you say you take responsibility. Yes. I actually think that taking responsibility is the ultimate freedom.

Really?

I messed up. I shouldn't have done this. Can I do that? It really is being accountable.

What if you're.

Instead of blaming the other, what if.

It actually, in that moment, wasn't your fault?

It doesn't matter. You don't have to agree with anything. I didn't mean to. It wasn't my intention. Yeah, you know, we are going to sleep a lot. But it's about just saying it. And for that, you have to. It's about saying it. And for that, you have to be able to see that you're a flawed person who can be accountable without that becoming a major source of shame. And I'm terrible. It's a different, different thing between saying, I messed up and I messed up.

How I like this distinction. How do we. In our mind. Because I think in the past relationships, when I messed up in a small term, right. Like a disappointment, a small disappointment feeling saying like, I'm sorry or taking responsibility or saying, you know what?

That was my fault was like a humiliation.

Well, it's more like. Look at when I'm like, why shall I. No, it's more like, here's all the actions I'm doing. Right?

Right.

Today I've done this, which was an expectation, and I've done that. And I took the trash out or whatever. I'm just. And I, you know, did something kind of you. And I wrote a note and I did this, and I took it to dinner. I did all these things well today, but I messed up on this one thing. So for me, I used to say to myself, like, gosh, but can't you see the whole Picture of like all the good things I'm doing. Why do I need to be an hour conversation about like one small thing? That's what I used to feel like. And do you feel like we should just be saying, you know what, take responsibility anyways for those moments, even if you're doing lots of good things? You know what I mean? Yes, but I'm not a perfect human being, you know, it's like I might slip.

The story is told by you.

Yes.

The other person is the one that needs to think to tell you about all the good things that you've done. You felt, I do all of this, I do one thing wrong, and now I have to go into the dark pit, you know? But that's because you had a partner who did not enough tell you about all the good things you did.

This was about me.

If you are in a relationship, you need that other person to acknowledge all of the positive stuff so that when you have to say something about the moment that you messed up, you don't feel like, you know, this is an endless chore?

Well, I think. Yeah, exactly. Or I think it's more like, okay, if we're going to acknowledge one thing that I didn't do, at least acknowledge something. That's what I did do. Right.

That it's not. At least. It's a must.

It's a must.

It's a must.

It's not bad if I. I shouldn't be needing that. Or I shouldn't be.

You should need it.

I should need it.

You should need it. You totally should need it.

Got. You don't only acknowledge the bad. Also acknowledge the good.

Not also. It's. It's. It's a must. It's a mandate. You know what happens sometimes in distressed relationships? Because you were in a distressed relationship at that moment, and this is true, you can directly take this into the workplace. In a distressed relationship, the tendency is to highlight the negative and disregard the positive. The positive is just a given. The negative will make a big deal out of it. So the one thing you didn't do becomes the whole conversation. And then what does that person do? Of course, that person says, but you disregard all the other stuff, and rightly so, because it has been disregarded. In a distressed relationship, the positive, if we get there on time, it's because there was no traffic. And if we get there late, it's because of you. The good is chance. The bad is attributed to you. Or in a different version of that is what we call negative attribution error. If I am In a bad mood, it's because I had a bad day. But if you're in a bad mood, it's because you're a nasty person who is always so cantankerous. Mine is circumstantial. Yours is characterological. So when you'd say, I was in a relationship in which when I did one thing bad, it was so overblown, and I felt like everything else was being disregarded, that's a sign of a distressed relationship in and of itself.

Interesting.

The fact that you. Because in a normal relationship, somebody else says, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Then you finally don't do something and says, oh, I really messed up there. I forgot. Sorry.

Right.

It's not such a big deal, okay? Because you are seen for the whole person. If you have to make a speech about, you should see the whole person. You're not in a good relationship.

Ah, there you go. Okay.

Or you're not in. The dynamic in your relationship is not a good one. No, that's.

That.

That in itself is a sign of a bad dynamic.

Gotcha. Gotcha.

You shouldn't have to say this.

So I wasn't crazy.

Okay.

Gotcha.

No.

Okay. Gotcha.

No. And the interesting thing about this is how much it applies at home. And the same thing happens at work.

In this section, we have Devon Franklin, who's breaking down the difference between love and lust in a world where dating has become more complicated than ever and how it's crucial that discipline is developed for a committed relationship. Like, a lot of people are stressed out more than ever today. First, finding a partner. Dating is just stressful for people. Then when you're in a relationship, okay, what about marriage? Then when you're married, how do you stay happily married? Then when you get divorced, you say, well, I'm a failure.

Right?

Last 10, 20 years, I've been a failure. This was all for nothing. What's wrong with me? And I have to repeat the cycle. How do I find the right person?

Yeah.

And I think it's stressful because there's so many options in today's world with social media, there's so many options. Everything looks yummy. Everything looks tasty. Everything looks exciting, fresh and new and interesting. So this is what I loved about this. You've got these questions on the back. I just want to read some of them. Okay. Some are for women and some are for men. And I think I want to talk about men first. Because you say these questions, men. Have you ever asked yourself, why does one woman not seem to be enough? Why does one woman not seem to be enough? Why can't I ever be satisfied and will I ever find peace? These last three questions, I feel like resonates with a lot of men.

Yes.

And I've asked myself those questions in previous relationships and also being single at different times. And I'm curious, why does it seem like a struggle for so many men to. To be okay with one relationship?

Yeah, you know, I mean, listen, this is really.

Especially today.

Totally. I mean, today is like you said, it makes it even harder because really because of just the popularity of social media. I mean, honestly, I mean, I would say that that's what's kind of amplified the challenge. The challenge has always been there. But I think with social media, I mean, it really takes that challenge to another level for any man. And so one of the reasons why I wrote the book is to help articulate and hopefully answer some of these questions. And so why I believe that it's really hard for one man to be comfortable sometimes with just one woman. It comes down to me to what the book is really about, which is love, you know, And I believe that love is selfless. You know, love is sacrificial. And it's not. It's not just love of self, it's love of the woman in our life, love of family, love of our call, and love of our destiny. So as men, we're never really taught to feed or cultivate love. What are we taught to feed or cultivate?

Lust.

Sex.

Yeah. So to me, the two things that war within a man are love and lust. And I define lust as a selfish impulse for personal, professional, financial, or sexual fulfillment by any means necessary, even if those means are detrimental. We live in a culture that almost feeds on the lust in men and also encourages us as men to feed on things. So what does that look like with.

The media promoting just half naked women everywhere?

Everywhere. Everywhere.

Sex everywhere.

And it's okay. Boys will be boys, right? That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to date, you know, one, don't even worry about one. Have multiple. That's what we're taught as men growing up, that the more the better. So in a dating sense, what happens is if our appetite grows to such a place where we're not feeding the love, we're feeding the lust. What is lust? Lust is selfish. It wants what it wants, whenever it wants, and however it wants, wants it. So as men, especially as single men, when you're in a situation where that's what you feed Constantly. That's what's going to be the strongest. And so when it comes to a world where things are not on your terms, that almost feels like a foreign experience because you've cultivated an appetite where the more women, the better. And guess what? If this woman doesn't suit my what I want, I just get rid of her. I move on to the next. And so what happens is, as men, we sometimes consciously and subconsciously allow that lust to run and potentially ruin our life. And so when a man decides, you know what, I want to, you know, I want to get married, I want to get serious, I want to get committed, saying I do is not a magic wand. So if you go from having no discipline in your dating life, no discipline in your sex life, you've had as much as you could possibly stomach, you've had as many women as you could possibly have. And then you. Then you meet the one that really captures your heart. She taps into the love inside. But prior to her, and even sometimes with her, you have not practiced discipline as a man. When you say I do, there's nothing magical that happens on the other side of it. So if you have an appetite and you have no discipline, marriage doesn't just automatically give discipline. So why does it become hard for men to just commit to one? Because they never had much practice with it. And I believe that if we date better, we marry better. If we marry better, we family better. If we family better, we parent better. If we parent better, we community better. Right. So it all goes back to how we date. And if there's no discipline there, as a man, we're setting ourselves up for a massive challenge. It doesn't mean we cannot be successful. We can, but sometimes as a man, we think, why is one not enough? Because we've been conditioned to more. And so the idea of just one becomes foreign.

Drop the mic. Just end it right here. Let's end it right here. So how do you know what's the right way to date someone? Let me ask this question first. When you're in a relationship. Yeah. And you say, you know what? I'm gonna be disciplined. I'm gonna work hard at this. Even when you know it's not the right fit, you've put in time, you know, six months, a year, two years. And you're like, you know what? I'm just gonna keep going and make it better. I'm gonna try my best to cultivate the love. But for some reason, that relationship, you know, deep down, isn't the.

The one.

And you say goodbye. To that relationship is that you just saying, well, on to the next. There's another option out there. How do you know when it is the right one?

Well, that's a good question. I think a couple things. One, when you're in a situation, the one premise of the book as it relates to love is really we got to start telling the truth.

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Especially in a relationship sense, it becomes a place where we tell the least truth.

You hide the truth. You hide the truth because you don't want to hurt someone.

You don't want to hurt someone. You may have feelings or thoughts. You may have things. And also sometimes in a relationship, you can be afraid. If I tell this person the truth, it doesn't even mean the truth that I'm not into them. It could be like, I'm really into into you. Or it could be like, here's some things I'm thinking about. The question sometimes is where the fear comes in is judgment. If I tell this person my truth, will they judge me? Will they still like me? Will they still love me? Will they still, you know, be there for me? And so a lot of times, whether you're a man or a woman in a relationship, you bring that fear into it. And so as a result, sometimes that fear works against being truthful. So a lot of times in a relationship, you're more truthful with people outside the relationship than you are with the.

Person in the relationship telling other people outside. Everything is happening, everything is evil, and.

You'Re not telling your partner. And this is why, as men and women, we got to start communicating with one another instead of at one another. And so I really wanted to write this book to help foster more truth so that the point you're bringing up, if you're in a situation where you're with somebody and you're not sure it's the right fit, here is the number one way to begin to identify if it is operating in lust or if you're operating in love. It's peace. You know, our peace.

You feel peace.

That's right. Our peace is the strongest barometer. It's our compass. So it tells us we're going in the right direction, we're going with the right person in the right direction. Or, you know what? I'm going in the right direction. But something about doesn't feel like this is the person that's supposed to go with me, right? It's really about peace. That's where I and everyone has the opportunity to define what that means for them. But to me, that's a great way to identify is this the right person I'm dealing with? So then let's just say, let's say you don't have peace. The truth is, I Need to tell that person as soon as possible. Here's what I'm really going through. Here's why, especially as a man, as.

Soon, don't wait, don't wait six months.

Why?

Because here's what happens as a man the moment you start to know. This ain't it. I don't. This ain't it. Here's what happens. The more you do not tell her the truth about how you're feeling either she's going to cry now, she going to cry later. And when she cries later, you've inflicted more pain. I believe as a man, we're going to be one of two men, men that heal pain or inflict pain. And that truth, as hard as it may be, and as much as she may not want to hear it, it's better for her to hear it early on before she can have more emotional investment than to hear it later. And you knew six months ago you were out of there. Part of telling the truth is to say, listen, I love you. When I cooperate in love, I put someone else's needs over my needs. I'm thinking about someone else else's thoughts, even sometimes before my thoughts, someone else's well being. So in a dating sense, as a man, you're like, hey, I need you to know what I'm really feeling here so that we can just have an honest conversation. Like, I don't want to feel this way. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. But you know, some, I don't know if this is just the right fit. And I don't, you know, and do your best to articulate that it's better to put it all out on the table. Then there you go, six months later, seven months later, something happens.

And then we.

And then sometimes I've been there when I was single, you wait for something to happen, then to use that as the excuse to say, oh, well, it's because this happened. Well, no, that's not because that. Because if there was really love and there was a long term plan there, you could work through that, right? But too often I feel like as men we hold on to what we think. And I think women do that too because they're afraid. So I think when you go into this idea of like, okay, well, how do you date in love? How do you date in mastery? It doesn't mean you can't explore, doesn't mean you can't find the right fit. This is all about a journey. So love, when you're trying to find the compatibility, you're Searching, Right. We all find that journey. However, it's dating with more intent. It's dating with more intent. So what does that look like? It looks like, you know. And again, this is just what I believe will help us as men, especially in a dating sense, think beyond sex. Think beyond sex.

How do you teach men to do that when that's all they've been conditioned to think?

Well, here's how. Because again, instead of looking at that woman, woman as an object for your pleasure, look at her as an individual. Look at her as someone's sister, someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's friend. Humanize her in your mind. It doesn't mean, listen, if you, you know, choose not to wait until marriage, have sex with that person, that's. That's your business. But so often men look at women first as a sexual object, not as an individual. And as a result, when a woman most of the time says, hey, you know what? I don't want to have sex, you know, or I want to wait, whatever. A lot of men say, all right, well, I'm moving on to the next. If a woman does not want to have sex or share her body with you because she does not trust you, she does not know you, she does not love you, that's a sign of a great woman, not a woman that should be discarded.

Wow.

And so as a man, when you're single and you're discarding women because they don't want to share their body, that's a warning sign to me.

Hey, about you as a man.

That's right. What's going on with you, bro? Why are you on such a path for personal, selfish, lustful fulfillment that you are discarding potential women that could help make the difference in a positive way in your life? So for any man, it's about, hey, let me look in the mirror for a minute and just stop.

Why?

Because look at what's going on in the world. There's so much news about, you know, the challenges that men are facing. And why are so many men facing all these challenges? Because I believe most men have given themselves over to luck, lust. They've given themselves over to this selfish fulfillment where they want what they want, whenever they want it, however they want it. And as a result, they become the sum total of what that lust makes them. So as a man, no man can turn a blind eye towards what's going on with men in the world. So if anything, allow what we're seeing in the world to then be a motivator for every individual man. Who do I want to be? Am I inadvertently living in a way where I may meet the same thought of some of the same men that I'm seeing in the world? Right? Because it's not like, oh, point the finger. Oh, look at them. Oh, I would never become that. Wait a minute. The moment any of us as men say, oh, I would never, you might set the watch five years, right? Because all of us have the same struggle. All of us struggle between love and lust. And the issue is getting control, getting discipline, getting mastery to the degree where I don't believe we could ever eradicate. I don't believe that. And that's a truth most women don't want to hear, Right. But I believe that is the truth. Lust is in every man, no matter who that man is, no matter what, matter how faithful you are, no matter how faithful, it's there. It's not even a reflection of the woman in his life at all. However, as men, when we learn to get control of it, when we learn to put love in control of lust, that's when we position ourselves to not allow that lust to destroy us.

A couple of things I want to ask from this. Yeah, you are a successful man in Hollywood. You've been married for how long now?

Seven years.

Seven years. Two part question. The first part is, do you know any successful men in Hollywood who are not married and who have multiple partners? Do you see any of them that are successful in their career but also have that inner part peace that you talked about a few minutes ago?

I don't see many successful men that are living according to how you just outlined that are. That have the peace.

They might have the fun.

Yeah, they have the fun. They have the money, the position, all of that. But I would not say that the men that fit the description that I've been privy have that peace where there's just a sense of like, okay, you know what? I'm cool, I'm competent, I'm here. This is what it is a lot of times. And I believe that if any man is really honest with themselves, I don't believe the more women you have, the more peace you get. I think it actually.

More chaos.

More chaos. Think about it. You know, it's like it's a man at the end of our life. When you think about how much time you spend, you know, with. With women, chasing women, spending money on all those things, you gotta ask yourself, what do we have to show for it?

Yeah.

You know, and so for me, prior to getting married, I had to ask the same question. What I have to show for all this. And I wasn't like when I, Megan and I started dating that I was like all of a sudden ready to get married. I wasn't. But what I did was a friend of mine encouraged me. Don't be afraid. Don't allow your fear to mess this up.

Afraid of what? Commitment, marriage, all of it.

The unknown, you know, because you were.

Dating other girls before then, you were having fun, you know.

Yeah, but I was dating with intention. You know, I was dating saying, hey, yo, here's where I am in life, here's what I'm looking to do so that there was no lack of clarity with anyone that was dating me, where I was, you know. And I talk about this in the book. It's so important. I'll talk about for the male side and the female side. For men it's important because what happens is lust makes us a part time manipulator in a single sense.

What does that mean?

What does that mean? It means that you're dating multiple women. Those women don't really know that there's as many other women as there are, are. And they don't even know that you're not as serious as you seem to be when you're with them.

Because your intention is for sexual desire.

Sexual desire, companionship. In that moment, whatever your pleasure is, there's a long term, there's no long term. And at the same time there's no regard for their real feelings. It's like, this is a woman that I may date on Tuesday, here's someone I may date on Thursday, there's a woman I may date on Saturday night. And none of them really know the other one exists. So that's what I mean about not dating with intention. So when you're dating with intention, you're letting everybody know, listen, here's where I am, here's what I'm doing. Very, very important as a man. I encourage any single man to, if you really want to get, become successful in life. And success to me is nothing to do with happens in the world. Success is to me, peace.

The inner world.

It's the inner world. Success is who is the person that looks back at you in the mirror. And there is where success starts and where it stops. We see a lot of men who have public success but no personal success. And there used to be a time where that was okay, but now real success starts, you know, with who's looking back in the mirror. So I would ask any man if you are finding yourself dating multiple women for Both women's sake. Why ask? Just stop the ask question. Why are you doing it? And what is the real value that you're getting out of it? Do you find yourself with this insatiable appetite that no one person can ever quench, and as a result, there's no peace within your spirit? Super important. The second part of that is that if you find yourself saying, hey, you know what? I am going to get more discipline here, but I still want to explore. Okay, explore with intention. Let the woman know what your intentions are so then they, as an adult, can make the decision if they want to engage with you. That, to me, is what real honesty and transparency looks like. Now, for a woman, if you're dating a man, you got to get out of the gray area. You got to get out of the gray area. And what does this mean? That's right. But that gray area is the area where you are most liable. Because in a relationship sense, the one who has the knowledge, the most knowledge has the most power. And a lot of times men have more power because they know what they're really serious about and what they're not. And the woman that they're dealing with does not know. That's a gray area. He may text you all the time. He may talk to you all the time. You may go out on a date. You may have met his parents, but never has he told you we're together.

Right.

Or he's thinking about the commitment.

That's right. And so for a woman in that situation, she's in a gray area, and I encourage her in the book, you got to get out of the gray. You got to ask clear, direct questions, wait for clear, direct answers so that the man that you're dealing with, you get a sense of, are you dating anyone else? Are we committed? Are we exclusive? What are your plans? Where are you going? Don't be afraid to ask the question. Because so often when women come to me for advice, they're afraid, well, what if I ask him these questions that he leaves? Well, he was going to leave anyway. That's good. That's great, right? That's great.

I mean, here's the thing. I've dated women in the past who they're almost so honest in the beginning. It's like, oh, my gosh. You're, like, pushing me away because I'm like, this is not where I'm at in my life. Like, you're talking about kids in the first five minutes. I'm like, I just want to have fun right now. But then there's Other women who are that honest, where you're like, wow, I'm actually really interested in you. This is kind of scary that you're so honest. Yeah. But I'm gonna, like, keep exploring because I like you and I'm that interested in you, and I want to learn more.

Yeah, no, I think.

I think the more honest you are in the beginning, maybe you don't have to say in five minutes, I want to have five kids. But I think almost the more truthful you can be earlier on, the better because you can start to eliminate those people or know exactly where they're going to be at. Well, you.

Yeah, you get a better sense of what's what. And I also encourage women. I, you know, I say, listen.

Have.

An observation period in dating.

What's that mean?

Meaning don't just rush into, when you're dating somebody, telling this particular man all of the stuff you want, all that. Like, you don't even know if you're going to like this person.

Right.

And sometimes it's like, just on that, like you said on that first date, they're like, telling, oh, here's what I want to do. No, no, no, no.

Chill. Right? Observe.

See if this man is even worthy of knowing what you think. See if this man is even worthy of knowing your plans and what you. How you see your future.

How will you know if he's worthy of knowing?

Because you're going to spend time, you're going to evaluate, you're going to see who he is. And this is why. Listen, I know in this modern world, what I'm getting ready to say is just uncommon, but I don't care. Let's hear it. I'm going to say it. This is why. This is why it's so important. As long I'd say in this book, like, I believe it's important to wait until marriage for sex, but most people aren't going to do that. I say in this book, at least wait until you're in a trusted, committing, loving relationship before you have sex. Why? Because when you have sex with someone and you do not know them and you do not trust them, it becomes hard to really get clear on who they are and what they're about. So important. So as a woman, I'm like, listen, if I was a woman and I was dating, oh, you ain't getting nothing from me.

Why?

Because I don't know you. I was at Facebook on the book tour, and this woman asked me a question during our Q and A, and so I said this to her man and she said she was asking me a question about sex and whatnot. And I said, okay. I said, so let me just give you an analogy. Let me. Okay. How many women in the audience, after a month of dating a guy, would you give him the code to your phone?

The code? Your past code?

Yeah. And most of them said, oh, no, there's no way. Are you kidding me? I said, okay, now listen, I'm not trying to get in your business. I'm not going to judge you. I said, but in that same period of time, in previous relationships, how many of you in that same period of time have already given him your body?

90%.

I mean, so if you don't trust him enough to give him the code to your phone, why would you give him your body?

Wow.

So this is when, you know, when you don't give a man your body. Right. It gives you a better opportunity to observe and evaluate. What does he really want? Is he even really interested potentially in who I am, what I think? Or is he just interested in what my body can give him? That's what I say about an observation period so that you can really see who this man is, what he's about, and really where he's going. And I believe that women have a lot more power in dating than they realize. But a lot of times they give it away. So much power, but they give it away. They give it away to men, you know, like, oh, yo, it's like, no, no, hold on to that power. Evaluate, make decisions, even.

Don't.

Even if you want to be in a relationship super bad, don't allow your flesh and your desire to then make you so desperate that you lower your standard to the degree where you're allowing men entry into your life that really are not qualified for sex.

What if the woman just wants to have fun and they're not looking for a committed relationship either? Then, you know what?

Listen, listen. I'm not going to judge what consenting adults want to do. If that's her point of view, that's her point of view, you know, and that just is what it is. And at a certain point, you know, when she's doing the same thing and wants a different result, it'll require looking at what she's doing to get the result. Same for any man. You know, when any man gets to a place where he's like, you know, I keep doing the same thing, I get a different result. Maybe I have to change what I'm doing.

Yeah, I might be having fun, but I, like, feel. Feel soulless inside or Like, I'm not having true intimacy or.

Yeah, exactly.

In this section we have Dr. Shefali who breaks down how to make sure you're not in the wrong type of relationship and then dives into the conversations you should be having with a partner to know if it's going to last or not. And Dr. Shefali is all about breaking through old, conventional ways of dating. So I really think you'll enjoy this.

If we're in need for love and worth, and we're constantly saying, do you see me? Do you love me? Do you know me? Do you validate me? Do I have permission to exist? Then that is the fuel for all our behavior. So we can't see. We're hungry. When you're hungry, you know how cranky you are. You can't really think straight. Your brain is fogged up. Our brain is fogged up with unworthiness. We can't see straight. So the first thing we have to do is understand unworthiness is fueling it, not real love. That's a hard lesson.

Oh, man.

Yes. Need, not love. I tell so many couples, you need her. I don't know whether you love her yet. And they're like, yes, I do.

When someone is feeling that in a relationship, they need to feel worthy by this person, or they need to feel worthy in relationship in general.

Right?

Or what does that look like?

Well, there's love, because I know my.

Pattern of, in previous relationships, of feeling the need for someone to love me and accept me for who I was.

That's this need. That's why we get into relationships. That's why we become parents. And we don't want to acknowledge that it's coming from an inner hole. H O L E A void. We don't want to own this about us, right? We're like, no, I love my child unconditionally. That's why I want him to, you know, play soccer and ski, do what.

I want him to do. All the things.

Oh, just have happens to be all the things I want, or this is why I'm in the relationship. And the way we know that it's need and attachment and not love and unconditionality is how much we want to control them, how much we want to possess them. It's attached. All that smells of need and attachment. Because true, transcendent love, true intimacy, very hard to achieve because it requires two.

Whole people trusting fully and who are.

In their own sovereignty, who don't need. Very rare. That kind of achievement, that kind of aspiration cannot occur unless you do the work and you heal. So most of us who haven't healed are in need and attachment. Control based relationships. Sorry. I'm sorry to everybody.

How many people are in control based relationships?

Almost every relationship.

Really?

I know. Yes. And the parenting relationship. I know. Control, need and attachment and possession.

What does it look like for most people? What's the common ways of control and need and attachment?

Okay. In an intimate relationship, repetition of drama where the cycle just can't break. You know, not a mutual honoring of each one's absolute freedom.

The boundaries or freedoms or.

Yeah, and honoring each other. And true articulation of one's needs. Who knows how to articulate their needs? Nobody. And allow the other to be heard and seen and to be seen honestly and authentically. That's intimacy. So we think we are in intimate relationships, but we're just in functional transactional dynamics.

What if someone's authentic about their need? And their need is, Well, I need you to, I don't know, check in with me multiple times throughout the day so I know where you are.

That's not being authentic. Should I tell you how to.

Isn't that an authentic need? If someone's.

No, this is the authentic need.

Tell me.

Okay, so the person says, I authentically need you to check in with me 10,000 times a day. Right. Now here's the thing. That's not an authentic need. Here's the need. I have such low sense of worth and I'm in such a panic. I get panic attacks because I have control issues from my past abandonment. Can you help me in some way by not feeding the need? I don't want you to call me 10,000 times because that'll just. Just feed my monster. But can you help me and be kind with me? Because that's my need. My need is for ultimate, supreme safety. But I know I can't have that. The need is from my childhood. That's what I'm talking about. I'm not saying I need you to give me 10 massages. That's not a need. The need is. Why do I have the need? Really getting to the core of.

So it's not about. It's not about communicating the need to the other part.

Everyone's good at doing that.

It's about recognizing why isn't you there.

The real need.

And when you find the root of the need, then you heal the need.

And you release the other person from meeting your need.

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So everyone's good about saying what they need. Louis, I need a Bentley. I need a mention. Very good at doing that. We have to go to. Why are we looking at the other person to fill that need? Number one, where's this need really coming from? That's the real need.

But won't. I mean, I don't want to generalize this, but won't you hear a lot of women say, well, I need to know I can trust my man, that he makes me feel safe, he protects me, that I know where he's at, that he lets me check his phone, that I can know where you know when he's going somewhere or who he seems like? Isn't that a common theme for women?

Yes. Yes.

What happens when a woman does that?

When the woman does that, it means she's completely an inner child believing that she needs those things from a man. She doesn't need that because if she has need for that, she's going to be dependent on his every move and looking at him like she's a D detective and he's under the microscope. And that means she's enslaving herself to him and giving him her power. When we want to control the other, we think we're getting control. We are getting enslavement to the other.

Oh, my goodness. What is the common. The. The common fear insecurity that women have when they're in a relationship and that men have when they're in relationships? Is it safety and protection?

Can we just say that the way men and women are relating in relationships is based on conventional possession, control, and ownership, both parties. So it's already messed up. Okay, now within the messed up matrix, you want to ask what are the most common insecurities?

Yeah. What's the main insecurity for men in general? Is it, I don't know that they're.

Gonna cheat on both?

Is Possession, really both is concerned in some way. Now you'll say, but isn't there a real need for one to find the money and the other to cook the food? Sure, but you know, what's the core need?

What's the root need? Possession is what they're feeling. Control and possession.

We've been told that relationships, especially marriage, means that the other one betroths themselves to you. Like gives themselves to you for keeping. Right. And you put the ring like, you.

Know, and you're mine and I own you.

And I own you. And you give the woman a big diamond ring so everyone around can see that she's owned. I have never won a ring one day of my life because I have no desire to let the world know I'm owned.

So what about women who are like, you know what, I love my partner. I want to be their partner. I want to wear this show, a symbol of my commitment. And yeah, but then we trust.

We do it on this finger. We do that finger. It doesn't have to be a diamond. We follow convention because this is what society says. He didn't give you a diamond ring or the bigger the ring, the more the love. You know, we know it's comparison.

It's like it's not.

You can have many symbols.

Sally got a bigger ring, so maybe his.

There are many symbols of love. It's funny that we all have the same symbol, right? So it's not. Not creative anymore. It's not spontaneous. Every relationship should have its own symbol. How come we all want the diamond ring as the symbol? Right?

Yeah.

Because it's convention. We're conditioned. We have to own how. We've been conditioned for these things. The diamond industry is so happy with us, right. They're like, yeah, we really told them that these little pebbles mean something and they all bought into it and they all make their partners buy them. And if they don't buy, it's a sort of betrayal. The industry is making whopping profit over our buying into this.

Yeah, being brainwashed.

This is just one way we've been brainwashed. We've been brainwashed in every way because it's a consumer society.

What, what should be three questions that say someone's starting to date someone, they're six months, three months in, six months in, and things are moving along.

I have the question.

And you want to ask three questions to determine if this relationship has the chance of being, you know, powerful, growth minded, acceptance, not controlling. What would those three questions be?

Well, you know, you first want to know how much inner Work the person has done. You want to talk to that therapist, you want to see the appointments, you want to know how long they. They've been doing this. I'm just kidding. You'll get a sense of their consciousness quotient.

Okay.

That is number one.

Yes.

You have to see how integrated is this person from their childhood to their adulthood. Have they worked on their wounds?

Here's the challenge. Everyone shows the best version of themselves in the first year, and they act like they've done this in general. Right. So how do you truly know when everyone's on their best?

So you don't move then.

Don't move in.

You want to hang out with that guy or that girl, go ahead. Yeah. Dinner with, you know, don't get so.

Excited in that first year, you know that each one is trying to present the false self. So don't. You know that. So don't give in for the first year. You know, it takes time. So you can't be jumping to the altar right away.

Right?

Yeah.

So number one is, what is the consciousness quotient? And then I would, you know, I'm a little unconventional, so. So I will not find anyone, probably, but it's because they'll fail my questions. So I would ask them about their beliefs, about all the stereotypical institutions. And I have done so much work deconstructing cultural lies that I want to be with someone who has deconstructed the bullshit.

Otherwise, you're fighting against values, beliefs, ideas.

Then it becomes a schism of basic values, you know, and the more work we do, you know, the more, you know, you deconstruct what the bullshit is. You can't be with someone who's bought into the bullshit.

You're distancing more and more your beliefs.

So I think consciousness quotient, which is healing from childhood, and then the cultural BS radar, you know, how good is their BS radar? And then the last thing would be, you know, just how present they are. Are they worthy of their own love? Are they whole? You know, that's all connected to the first two, but it then shows up in that person because they're present, they're. They're radiant, they're joyous, they're liberated. You know, you can see liberated people because they don't need anything from you, right? Because they're whole.

They're not expecting anything. They don't need something to feel good.

They don't judge you. They are good and they're bursting with that. So you feel it.

It.

That's true chemistry, right? You want to be attracted to the essence of the person, not to their sports car or their bank account or the way they look, because that's going to end. That's transient. Consciousness lasts. You're living with the person's consciousness, you're living with the person's inner demons. Because after the first two years, when the cars are old, you win. You've done that.

Now you travel the world. You've done. Yeah.

Now you're living with the inner child. Do you like the inner child? That's what we go like.

Whoa.

And your inner child comes out. So does your inner child know how to play with their inner child? And that's when you say the bubble bursts. But it's no one's fault. It's because we both presented with the bubble.

So now we're in a don't fall.

In love until two years are up. Then fall in love.

What if people are like, this is amazing. This is signing. It's not amazing.

It's the illusion.

Wait.

I used to have a client, used to get so upset with me. She was like, before you burst my bubble, she always knew I'm going to burst her bubble. Because this is what the ego does. It presents the best self. You think you're falling in love. Even the idea of falling in love, that's. You don't want to fall. You should not be falling.

You should be standing rise. You should be standing solid.

So the fact that we fall is because we are falling for the illusion. And then we're upset in two years that another relationship didn't work out because it was the false self, the survivor who was holding on. And after some time, the survivor stops or the ego breaks down. And now you see each other's raw self behind the prison wall. And you are both convicts looking for the other to rescue them. I call them twin beggars. Give me, give me, give me, give me.

You're not giving me enough.

It's never going to be enough.

Wow.

Because we were beggars all along, we needed to only dare to enter a relationship after we've been full. Very hard to do. I know. So I'm gonna beg away.

How does a 23 year old, she doesn't get full after she goes through.

The, the, the pain and the pain. Like we all have gone through heartache after heartache, blaming the other, crying to our girlfriends.

He didn't do this, she didn't do that.

And then everyone commiserates and go, yeah, yeah. He was really.

He was horrible.

He was horrible.

Leave him. What a. What A what?

A terrible bad man.

Yeah.

A bad girl.

Right.

With bad. Good. Good. Bad. You know, we don't realize it's just inner child to inner child, trauma to trauma, beggar to beggar.

What happens when two people who have truly healed their traumas, I mean, done the years of work, they're not expecting, they're not holding grudges, they're not resentful, they're not. Not needing something.

Yeah.

What happens when those two type of people get together?

I. I think there's such a thing as a beautiful intimacy. You know, I talk about intimacy where you truly can see the other person but as their own being. And you don't need anything from them. You don't need them to be a certain way. And they know and you know that it's a journey. So we walk together for some sunsets and maybe others we don't. And each is okay with that. We'll be sad if the other one walks away, but not devastated or broken. See, we sometimes think to be broken is to have really loved if they left. Similarly, when our kids go off to school or college, if we don't cry, that means I didn't really love my kid. We have this weird romance around crying a lot or pain or brokenness. That means we really loved. No, love is freedom. So we need to be happy for the other person when they go to their other lover.

That's big. That's big, right?

But if you truly loved that other person, then how is it about you? It's what that. What makes that person happy. Very hard. Because culture has raised us with possession and monogamy as the main goal. So anyone who deviates from that is a freaking cheater. And we know what we call cheaters, you know?

Yeah. It's interesting. I'm just listening to you and thinking about my life and my journey. And I've always, in no way am I a perfect human being. But I've always wanted the best. When relationships didn't work out and a lot of them didn't work out well, like there was arguing and frustration on both sides, me included. But then I was like, okay, we're not working out, and I've always wanted them. I hope they find someone that's a better fit for them. I've never felt like the girls ever want me to be happy afterwards.

He needs to go down.

He did this to me. He ruined my life. Yeah. It's like I've never felt like anyone ever wanted the best for me.

But you can't blame us because we've been conditioned that when a relationship ends, it means the other's to blame and there's been a betrayal.

It's their fault.

Right? And betrayal, you know, we fully bought into this idea of betrayal. And I don't believe in betrayal. I believe we only betray ourselves.

You know, what does that mean? What does that mean?

It means that when we enter a relationship without understanding that we are going to be with the other person's inner child, yes, we betray ourselves. We want Daddy or we want Prince Charming or we want Mr. Perfect or Ms. Perfect. You can be in a same sex relationship and we put on the other the expectation that they will be there for us in the way we need.

They'll be our savior, our hero, our knight or whatever.

Of course, we all want that. That's lovely. But that was the job of Mommy, not another human being.

Our parents are supposed to be there to help.

They could barely do it right? So how is this person going to do it? But we put on them this unconscious expectation and burden when they don't fulfill it, instead of wishing them well and going, I get it. I'm an inner child, too. I must have been really hard for you to deal with. Or. We're both misaligned. You know, our inner children were just fighting in the sandbox. I own my part. Thank you for showing me yours. It's not aligned. I get it.

Yeah. We had a season of life. We learned something, hopefully, and we move.

On, you know, and say the guy cheated or the girl cheated. We look at the cheating not as a personal betrayal, but as it's a message. Yeah. Okay. He wasn't supposed to be with me that night. He felt like he needed to be somewhere else. He's following his soul, but she's like, oh, but he lied to me. Of course he lied to you because he knew you'd react like this. And now look, you'll have broken up. Right?

Right.

No one ever says, where were you last night, honey? You can tell me and mean it, right? Every guy knows they mean the same way you are. They don't mean it. The woman will kill you. We are raised in a conventional idea around man and woman. Women. It's changing now, you know, with all the gender fluidity and all the ownership of rights for all kinds of affiliations. We're changing the paradigm, but still, at the core is this paradigm that there's an ownership between the two, and that is the dysfunction. It's toxic. We all want to own everybody. We all wish that the world was our puppet of Course.

Why do we have that?

Because it's a childish desire to have control. You know, I want you to say exactly what I want because then I'll feel competent and in control.

Really?

Yeah.

And what does control, what does needing control mean? We need to feel safe, we need to feel protected.

Child stuff.

Just.

I want to be secure. Mommy's gonna come in at every, you know, hour to check in on me. I want predictability so the greater the kid or teenager didn't have to predictability. They are going to go reactive. Either they're going to to silence that through an addiction or they're going to go into mass control either through mass achievement or mass obsession of the other person.

I feel like I've done all those things in my everything. Mass control, mass possession, manipulation, anger, resentment. Don't do this. Control all these things. Especially, especially in your 20s, you wanted.

To make sure you would not be that helpless little boy who didn't have predictability. But you didn't know you were doing it because of that.

I had no idea. So unconscious.

Yes. Nobody knows.

So unconscious for so many years. It wasn't until I was 30 when I started to really realize, oh, a lot of the trauma I haven't even talked about because I've been so shameful of. And just the process of talking about it allowed me to heal an element of certain things, but not everything.

Yes, we have to talk to a trusted confidant or a therapist. You must talk because talking allows you to hear your own narrative. And then somebody or you can both go, oh my God, I said the same thing as my mother. Oh my goodness. At seven I felt this. At eleven I felt this. You have to narrate your life. That's why it's called a narrative, because you have to create a consistent narrative to integrate your life experience. So people poo poo therapy perhaps, or think they don't have the time. Well, you know, I think it's some.

Of the greatest time you could spend for yourself, for your inner peace, for awareness, for greater levels of love for yourself and compassion for others. I don't think I'd be as compassionate understanding. And again, I'm not always compassionate understanding, but I don't think I would be have the levels of intimacy and connection and love to myself or others without on and off therapy, coaching workshops, emotional intelligence training, like all of it. In this part we have Stephan Speaks who shares how both men and women can learn to communicate and understand each other's thoughts and emotions better to continue to thrive in a relationship what is the biggest problem that you see today that women face that are holding them back from staying in a healthy relationship? And what's the biggest problem that men are faced with and them being happy with their partner? They're in a relationship.

So I always talk about healing, and I do believe that healing is the number one biggest issue. But I want to take a different angle here. I think that another huge issue that both men and women are facing from women's standpoint is, is really understanding that men are different in how we think, how we behave, how we're overall wired. And the same thing goes for women, I mean, for men. So essentially, men lacking an understanding of the emotional state or the emotional side of women and not knowing how to tap into that or navigate through that, whereas she also struggles with trying to navigate through his logical side and how he goes about things. And that disconnect neck, because both sides are expecting the other to understand them where they are all right, and they're not trying to understand the other person. And so we get caught up in our own feelings, our own perceptions of things, and that creates this huge fight, this huge battle, rather than really learning how the other side operates.

This is going to be an oversimplified question, a response that you have because each person is unique. But I want you to fill in the blank. If a woman understood X about a man, they would be happy in their relationship.

The simplicity of a man, they would be happy.

If a woman understood the simplicity of a man, they would be happy in their relationship.

Yes.

They would have less stress, they would have less arguments, they would have less pain, suffering, because it mean to be the simplicity of a man.

So there's a few things. One, a lot of women overthink and overanalyze in their relationships. And so a simple example I gave in one of my videos is like, let's say a guy says, she said, ask the man, what do you want for your birthday? And he says, listen, just. Let's just watch a movie together, have some pizza, drink some liquor. I'm good. Have some sex. That's all I need for the night. And the woman thinks, let me get him a wallet. He's like, no, I didn't ask for that exactly. Like, it's so simple. He's telling you exactly what he wants. The words coming out of his mouth, it's what he means. The problem is, so many women have been conditioned to dealing with liars and manipulators, dealing with men who are playing games, that when they are with a good man, who's being forthcoming and honest. They don't know how to take that. And also because women are very. They're in the details, all right? So they are going to see what you need. They're going to analyze and say, okay, I can get this for him.

This is.

They're more thoughtful in their approach. They go deeper, which is why they become so frustrated with us, because we don't. When we don't understand that when they said I'm okay, that they really weren't okay, that bothers them. When they told us we don't want anything for Valentine's Day, but they really wanted something and we didn't get that. That bothers them because it's like, why aren't we looking deeper? Why aren't we learning them and being more in tune? Tune with them? Because that's how they are with us. And so again, it's a disconnect of. We operate very differently. But if they would just understand we're very simple. And the man who wants to be with you, who wants to love you, is being very plain and clear. If you would just honor and accept that, it would make things so much easier.

And if a man knew X about a woman, they would have a happy life.

What's the right word? It really goes back. Back to understand that her emotions. I'm trying to find the right way to phrase this, but it's really understanding the emotional side of the woman. And what I mean by that is, again, if you're with a woman, let's say you guys are walking down the street and she says, I don't feel safe right now.

All right?

To a man, we may analyze the area and say, well, there's nothing of danger here. What's your problem? You're crazy. No, don't do that. If she says, I don't feel safe, you have to understand how she feels. That's her emotion right now. And her emotion is reality to her. She may not be able to explain it. It may be something within her, within her spirit. But as men, we make a mistake of dismissing it because it doesn't line up with our logic. And now it's, you're crazy, you're this, you're that, rather than no, try to understand. She's feeling like this for a reason. Reason. And even if we can't always explain it, honor it. Now the man's concern is, well, now she can manipulate you and play you, because even when it doesn't make any sense, she can say, I feel this way. But if you're with a good woman and she's been good to you in every other way. Why question that? She's playing games now. Give her the benefit of the doubt. So I think if we would just learn to embrace what her emotions are at the moment, we would be able to have more peace. Because again, a lot of fights come from. You're trying to force your logic onto her. She's trying to tell you how she feels right now.

Right?

And it's like this. No, meet her where she's feeling right now. Acknowledge that. Say, okay, you know what? I understand it. Let's handle it from that perspective.

Why is it so hard for let's talk about men in this situation to acknowledge someone's feelings when in the man's mind and you might be acting crazy. These feelings are irrational. Why would I acknowledge irrational feelings when there's nothing to be afraid of in this moment? If that's what a man is feeling, how do they get out of that space and say, okay, this is irrational in my mind, maybe this is seem crazy because I don't feel this personally. How does a man learn to connect on that level so that they feel safe in that moment, even if it is irrational?

So three things. It's going to be awareness. Why did I just lose my train of thought for the second one?

Awareness.

Yep, awareness. I'm missing the second one. And then communication at times when things are not chaotic. All right, so the problem is you can't be trying to have this full deep discussion at this. If you feel like she's being irrational. If you feel like this is not making any sense. Now you're trying to have this deeper discussion that maybe she's not ready to have at the the moment. All right, she's feeling all over the place. Who knows what's triggering her right now. Wait till things are calm. And now let's revisit what happened the other day.

Don't fix it when it's not. When it's chaotic.

Exactly. It's almost like, you know, sometimes a woman doesn't want you to fix it. She wants you to listen and acknowledge how she feels. And so we can talk about. We can revisit it at a different time, but in that time, she needs you to embrace where she's at emotionally.

What if the man's just like, it doesn't make sense. You're making no sense right now. What you're saying is irrational. Maybe it's illogical, it's crazy. None of it makes sense. How do they wrap their heads around the Madness of the emotion that is not real to them.

It really is a. This is. Oh, it's about practice. So that was the second awareness, practice, communication. So the practicing of it is simply understanding. Listen. It doesn't always have to make sense. All right, what does it hurt you in that moment to just be more compassionate and considerate of how she's feeling, even if it doesn't line up with your logic right there, you know what I'm saying? And again, we can revisit this and use it as a moment to now learn more about each other. But right now is not the time.

So the next. So to tomorrow, three days later, we can say, hey, listen, you know that time when we were walking down the street and you were afraid nothing was around? Can we talk about that?

Exactly, exactly. And now we can gain better understanding because at that moment it may be easier for her to articulate it, but in the moment of her emotions running all over the place, it's going to be hard for her to get it out. Clearly not because she's trying to be difficult, it's just she's feeling all over the place. It's just hard. It's like think about a child. And I'm not trying to reduce women to children, but think about a child being in their frantic moment, something happening to them and you're saying, tell me what's wrong. They can't tell you. It's hard for them to say it, but once they're calmed down and at a better place, they can.

Absolutely.

So we just have to be, we got to be patient as well. We got to be patient with each other and give grace. We're going to have moments where, yeah, it may not make. Makes sense, but again, overall, if you're with a good woman, why act like she must be. She's being difficult or evil right now.

You know, there's a lot of good women. Speaking of good women, there's a lot of good women out there that are friends of mine who are single. They've been single for years. I'm thinking of a few of them specifically in my mind. So I'm going to speak to these women's archetype because I think there's a lot of women like this out there. They've been single, single for. They haven't been in a, they've been dating, but they haven't been in a committed long term relationship for a while. Good women, they make their own money, they're independent, they're kind, they're compassionate, they're loving, they've got their own vision, but they're struggling in finding the right guy who will commit. What do you think is missing from those women? Or is this a timing thing? Maybe it's like, hey, you've been trying this for eight, 10 years and you haven't found someone. Maybe it's still timing. Maybe they haven't showed up in your life yet. But if they're going on dates, they're doing these things and they still haven't been able to find a partner that feels like a good match, the right match. What's missing from them? Or is nothing missing?

It's hard to say because, you know, without knowing them individually, the issues can vary. You know, I'll tell you what I've seen as common. Yes, barriers for women. One of the most common, and they may not like hearing this, but one of the most common is a lacking of being in touch with their feminine side. And that only really plays a huge role depending on the type of man they desire. If they desire a very masculine man, man who has his stuff together, a guy who can be a leader, at least has those qualities, then not being in your feminine is going to work against you. You, you're going to come across more difficult. You're not going to come across as someone that's peaceful. And again, I think every man, every man who has stuff going on for himself can say what he needs. Almost most importantly, or at least near the top, is peace. Every man needs peace.

Oh, man, I've been saying that my.

Whole life, you know, peace. And so if he does not view you in that way because again, you project more masculine energy, you project more resistance, more of a difficult nature, he's not going to. You could be the most beautiful, amazing woman and he may want to sleep with you, but he's not going to want to take you serious or marry you. So that can be one problem. Another thing can be timing. You know, it's a lot of times is we have to understand everything doesn't happen tomorrow. There is a process to this, but in that timing, what's important is that you don't drag on one with the wrong men. A lot of women reduce their time or reduce their window of opportunity. Staying with the wrong guys, staying dating, even the wrong guys. So it doesn't have to be a committed relationship. It could just be you're dating and getting to know each other, but you knew after a couple days that he wasn't it, and yet you're still letting it continue. And what, even though you're not Fully committed in this relationship as an official, your boyfriend, girlfriend, you're emotionally invested and your ability to now be available to someone else is severely hindered. So you're not going to be able to meet that great guy or that great guy may come across, you hear that you're dating this guy and say, I'm not even going to bother with that. And so that hurts you. So timing is it. But you have to make sure you're leaving yourself available.

Here's a question. Do we stay in relationships longer when we haven't fully healed the past?

Hell, yes. Absolutely.

I'll probably raise my hand here for pretty much every past relationship where I have known at different levels. Like, something's not right, something's off. Okay, let's work on it. Let's try to make it work. Still, things are off. It's like you have a knowing inside and sometimes you try to force it to make it work. And I'm as one to blame as anyone here. And what I realized is like, oh, I haven't fully healed certain things. And it's why I've stayed in the past in relationships much longer than I probably should have. But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting someone, I was afraid of hurting myself, I was afraid of whatever. And when I started to learn that, like this is something you talked about over and over, that the healing process is the key process to build a foundation for the potential for a great relationship, for something to flourish. Yes, you want to have, you know, the dream is to have a rainforest of an environment in your relationship where things can grow, things can flourish. There's green trees around you, there's water flow, waterfalls, not an environment of a desert where things go to die in the relationship. And I don't think we can truly allow things to grow if we don't learn to heal. And that's something that you taught me years ago. And you teach so many people around the world this. But if people don't even think they need to heal something, how do they do it?

They can't. There's no way you can't overcome an obstacle you don't believe exists.

Right.

You know, I'm fine.

I got this. Nah, I've dealt with this stuff in the past. Like, that was me.

Exactly. And so the problem is most people don't heal until they hit a wall, until something knocks them on their behind. And now they have to see things differently and accept the issues that they've been holding onto. But also, I think the problem for a lot of individuals is they're not healed and they're in environments with people who haven't healed either. And now those unhealed people are going to validate your issue. They're going to validate your unwillingness to face those things.

This is so hard because whatever guy friends, girlfriends, whoever you are, and you lean on people and say, this person did this, and they validate. You say, leave them. They're no good for you. You deserve better. You don't deserve that. They shouldn't be doing this. Right. They start to validate to be on your side, but they're not healed either. If they're coming from that place, maybe they're correct on certain things, but it's learning how to communicate to your friends in a healthier way, probably also.

Well, I think, yes, because a lot of people, they tell their friends the bad and they don't always tell them the good. So the friends have a very skewed perception of the relationship or whatever situation that you're facing. But we also have to be aware enough to understand who we're seeking guidance from. Like, I may speak to my friend because I need to vent at the moment, or I want some feedback, but I'm fully aware that they are not the end all be all to this, that they may be speaking from their own hurt place. I still can filter their perspective through the understanding of they're not healed enough to give me full, proper, great guidance. All right. But they might give a perspective that I needed to look at at. And that's why I will still talk to them, because I want to hear different perspectives. I want to make sure I'm not missing any blind spots here. All right, so it's good to talk to different people, but only if you understand how to not just take them as, oh, well, my friend said this, so this is it. No, your friend may be broken too, and they're going to lead you down an even more broken path.

Exactly. So the convers, the conversations you have with some people, they're not healed and they're not helping you fully because they're validating something that you don't need to hear necessarily. Absolutely. Maybe some of it is right, but not all of it.

And not to mention, it can happen in other ways. As far as, like, I've seen people where the friend was in a toxic relationship that they were unwilling to leave. So now when their other friend came to them about their toxic relationship is, oh, you know, give them a chance. Oh, you know, cheating happens in every relationship. They'll come up with all These validations to stay because they can't look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves to walk away. So how are they going to tell you to do it? All right, now, some people can do that. Some people can still tell you opposite of what they're going to actually are willing to do. But a lot of people consciously or subconsciously are trying to validate how they would handle things or how they have handled things. All right, so if it's I would leave because someone called me out there out my name one time, then I have to tell you that you got to leave for that reason. I can't tell you to be considerate of, well, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe this can be fixed. Oh, no, no, no. Because I drew that line. You need to draw that line. A lot of people don't understand how to give that unbiased advice. So that's why you have to be very careful.

Absolutely.

Going to friends and family healing is.

Because, again, a lot of clarity comes through healing. You'll be able to see things differently in a relationship if you are from a healed place. I think a lot of us, myself included, have stayed in relationships longer than necessary because we haven't healed something yet, and that's why we stayed in them. So would you say that people who have healed and addressed the past, the traumas of the past, the pains of the past, are much quicker to get out of a dating situation when they realize, oh, this isn't for me, like, I thought it was going to work out, but I don't need to keep trying for months and years to try to make it work. It's not working. I'm willing to walk away. Would you say people healed are able to do that better?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Basically, the more healed you become or when you have become healed, your willingness or ability to tolerate toxic energy is diminished. You don't know how to operate or how to stay in those environments any longer because now you see things so much clearer. It's almost like if you were to detox your body and start to eat healthy now, you go back to eating some fast food and it will destroy your stomach. So your willingness to eat that bad food is no longer there, or at least it's diminished because now your body knows what healthy feels like. All right? So emotionally, once you get to a healthy place and you know what healthy is, you can't tolerate dysfunction as much anymore. You can't tolerate someone who does not want to face their issues. You know, it reminds me right now real quick of even when it comes to business or you know what? Even when it comes to fitness, a lot of people, once they've achieved great success or once they've achieved getting that body they always wanted, they look at those who do not have different looks before. They may have been in that pool of people that said, my circumstances, there's nothing I can do. It's too hard. But once you've achieved it and you knew what work it took to get there, now it's like, no, you're just unwilling. You don't have enough desire to push past the obstacles to get the results you're looking for. And so again, when you become healthy, your willingness to tolerate this person just can't get past their issues. It's like, no, because I got past mine. I know what it takes. I know you can get there if you're willing. But so many are not willing.

Let's say you got in a relationship, you got married, you've been committed for a while, and you. Neither of you have healed. But then one of you decides, you know what? This isn't working. I gotta heal the pain from the past. They go on that journey, they get relief, they find peace in their heart. They're not triggered, whatever it is they've started and have continually been on the healing process, but the other person continues to be in their own traumatic past experiences. What if they're not willing to heal? Would you recommend, like, is that relationship able to work still? Are you able to find ways to say, well, we still love each other and we have a lot of chemistry and connection most of the time? What would you say about that? If the other person's unwilling to heal?

I hate to say this, but I have to be honest.

All right?

I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation. All right? I do think that we can take an approach that says, let's see if we can work this out. Let's give them a little bit of grace here. And the main thing is, can we achieve progress?

All right?

Rome isn't built in a day. And if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years, we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow. But are you willing to at least start to walk on that path and make progress? Though I don't want to encourage divorce, I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to face their issues.

If.

If you have freed yourself from that, you have healed. They've got to be willing to make a Move. And here's the problem. People are afraid to heal, or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal. All right? Because you have to. It's like, I remember a quote. I'm probably saying it wrong. To heal, you have to face the pain or you have to dive into the pain. Something like that. All right? So people understand it's painful to go and revisit your past. It's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out. And so now your fear of healing or facing the process of healing is greater than your fear of losing this person. All right? And they think because you're married to them, you're not going anywhere.

You're stuck for life.

Exactly. So for that reason, that's not enough incentive to face their fear of facing their issues. The only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce.

Wow.

Or is the actual divorce happening again? It's not that I wanted to get to that point. I hope and pray everyone can avoid that. But the reality is some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table, and that will be divorced in that situation.

So, okay, let's say someone's like, you know what? I feel like I'm good. It's never been about me. It's been about everyone else. It's their problems that why the relationship doesn't work.

Hold on, I got to stop you real quick.

Yes.

Because this is like hitting my spirit.

I got to say, give it to me.

The other thing to consider is that some people will never change. They will never heal. And the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person. And the only reason you got with them is because you were broken. Had you not been damaged in the first place, zing. You banged not be with this individual.

Because you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place.

Exactly. And if you were healed, you would have been your true self. Your true self may not have aligned with this individual. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed. I do think that's possible to happen. But a lot of people, I would argue the majority of. When you. Because I always say if you're not healed, you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person. So I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual. And that's marriage, relationship, whatever. Because that brokenness that damage attracted something else that was broken. Exactly. And allowed you to tolerate it. Or it allowed you to feel safer in that environment.

Wow.

Here's the thing that people don't realize when you have not healed, if you were to get with a healthy person, it would essentially demand of you from the jump to basically heal or step your game up. And again, people are afraid to face their issues. So to get with another broken person subconsciously it validates me. Staying broken, it validates me not having to face my issues. Because now we all have issues. You see, as long as we need all have issues, I don't have to face mine. But if you have corrected yours, how can I validate my own?

Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links and also make sure to share this with a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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