The Biggest Lies We Tell Ourselves In Relationships w/Marisa Peer EP 1228

The Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid has a bold design, a spacious interior with 232.

Horsepower and a 12.3-inch panoramic display to keep the adventure going and fit with the way you live. And with SiriusXM, every drive comes alive, bringing you closer to the music, the sports talk and podcasts that you love right in your vehicle or on the Sirius XM app. Every SiriusXM equipped Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid includes a three month trial so the experience begins the moment you drive. Learn more@kia.com Sportage Hybrid Kia Movement that inspires this message is brought to you by Apple Card Apple Card members can earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases wherever they shop. This means you could be earning daily cash on just about anything, like a slice of pizza from your local pizza place or a latte from the corner coffee shop. Apply for Apple Card in the Wallet app to see your credit limit offer in minutes subject to credit approval. Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA, Salt Lake City branch terms and more@applecard.com the School of Greatness is sponsored by Capital One. Nowadays, most people subscribe to everything music, tv, even dog food. And it rocks until you have to manage it all. Which is where Capital One comes in. Capital One credit cardholders can easily track, block or cancel reoccurring charges right from the Capital One mobile app at no additional cost. With one sign in, you can manage all your subscriptions all in one place. Learn more at capital1.comsubscriptions terms and conditions apply.

This is episode number 1228 with Marissa Peer.

Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur, and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

Welcome back my friend. Today's guest is Marissa Peer and she is the creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy and she's a bestselling author, relational therapist, hypnotherapist, trainer and motivational speaker. And she's spent over 30 years working with people including royalty, rock stars, actors, Olympic athletes, CEOs and many others. She's written a new book called Tell Yourself a Better Lie. Use the power of Rapid Transformational therapy to edit your story and rewrite your life. It is a powerful book and I recommend you check it out. And this is actually the second interview I've done with Marissa recently. So if you haven't listened to the first part about reshaping your negative thoughts and beliefs, then make sure to go to Lewishouse.com 1213 but in this episode we discuss the biggest lies we tell ourselves in relationships, what keeps most of us from finding lack lasting love, what needs to be aligned in your life for a relationship to work, how to know if you're with the right partner, and so much more. This is going to be powerful for so many of you whether you're in a relationship or not. I'm telling you, you're going to love this. And if you are enjoying it, make sure to share this with someone that you think would love this as well. Just copy and paste the link. Or you can post lewishouse.com 12:28 text some friends post on social media. Tag me and Marissa while you're listening and let me know what you think about this episode. Make sure you subscribe to the School of Greatness over on Apple Podcasts or Spotify as as Leave us a rating and review over on Apple Podcast to let us know what you thought about this episode. Today's Fan of the Week is from Finn and Finn left a review over on Apple Podcast. So big shout out to you for being a fan of the week. And Finn said the School of Greatness is a podcast that helped me take control of my own life and work towards being the best version of myself that I can be. And everyone needs to listen to this podcast. So Finn, thank you for leaving that review over on Apple Podcasts. Again. Make sure you guys leave a review over there. Subscribe and as always, I'm so grateful that you are here. Okay, and just a moment. The one and only Marissa Peer.

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help Online Therapy. We talk about Better Help a lot on this show and this month we're discussing some of the stigmas around mental health. For example, some people think you should wait until things are unbearable to go to therapy, but that isn't true. Therapy is a tool to utilize before things get worse and it can help you avoid those low lows. And I'll admit I used to be embarrassed about going to therapy, but I'm telling you it so important now. It is so accessible as well. I highly recommend that everyone turn to BetterHelp to get started on their mental health journey. They are customized online therapy that offers video, phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Give it a try and see why over 2 million people have used BetterHelp online therapy. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and School of Greatness. Listeners get 10% off their first month@betterhelp.com greatness that's B E T T E R h e l p.com greatness.

What was the biggest lie you told yourself in relationships until you found a healthy partnership?

I'm not lovable, so I better work for love. I better pretend I'm amazing or always be at the gy, look a certain way so I can convince everyone that I'm lovable. But in convincing them, it didn't work because I could convince them, but I hadn't convinced myself, so I convinced someone else. I'm so great, but I didn't believe it, which made me act out. And so that's really the oldest trick in the book. The lie is I am not worthy of love. One day you'll be disappointed one day if I don't always look amazing or be an amazing mum or keep an amazing house, if I don't always earn enough money, you might find someone better. You know, the bigger, better deal. And so that first lie, I'm not lovable, causes so many others. I've got to work for love. I've got to earn. I've got to go through your phone every night to make sure. I got to keep saying, are you sure you love me? Prove it. I don't think you're going to leave me one day. I mean, it's the first thought creates a catastrophic waterfall of other thoughts and.

It becomes turns into actions that are not healthy.

So if I don't think I'm lovable, I'm going to check your phone and go, why are you looking at her? I saw you looking at him. You like them more than me. You forgot my birthday, therefore you don't love me. I've now got my confirmation bias has gone crazy. But it's all come from one thought. But that one thought has created a waterfall of so many other thoughts until it becomes out of control. And so you've got to peel it back like an onion to the middle thought, I'm not lovable, and go, well, who told me that? And let's do that now. Who told me I'm not lovable? What did they know? What were they basing that on? Where did that come from? It's not even my belief. It's theirs. How do I. Is that true? Is that really true that you're not lovable? How could you possibly have you asked every person in the whole world. You've asked a few people in your community, and often they believed you were very lovable. They just didn't tell you for all kinds of reasons. I remember many, many, many years ago, I dated someone that I really loved and I left him. And he was in Washington, I was in la, and I called him and I asked him a question. Do you miss me? He went, no, no, I don't miss you. And I thought, oh, he doesn't love me. Much. Later he said, I missed you so much, but I couldn't tell you because I was doing my law degree and I thought if you knew, you'd come back. And I needed you to stay over there because it was so important to be a lawyer. And that whole relationship fell apart because when you said, I don't miss you, I thought you didn't love me. And I probably went off and found someone else. And he said, later, that almost killed me when you did that.

Wow.

But everything, it's like when people, I don't miss you. I don't think about you. I'm fine. Fine. One of my clients said that his wife left him and he cried every day for six months, just would come in, switch off, like, sit on the sofa and cry. And after six months, he called her and she said, well, I'm with someone else. You never even called me. He said, I couldn't call you because I was a mess. I just had to get myself together. But it's so weird that we don't tell people the truth or we say, I don't care. You know, that's like, sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Words can destroy you and eat you up. So the lie is, I'm not lovable. I'm not worthy. I don't deserve your love. Or, here's another one. You'll get disappointed in me if I show you who I really am. You might leave me. So now I've got to play this part. I've got to earn your love, work for your love.

What happens when we don't show our 100% authentic self to someone in the beginning and we revealed that 612 months later, what happens?

They're really shocked. I didn't know you were like that. I had no idea. Because they've fallen in love with a version that you showed them that isn't even you, and we forget the truth. Vulnerability is the basis of friendships and indeed, relationships. When you're vulnerable, you know, people love you for you when you're sick when you have a bad day, they would say, then you know who your friends are. But if you pretend you're okay. I see that a lot with people who run a business, always pretend everything's fine. They never tell anyone they're lonely. And then we realize, like, that great DJ who killed himself, was it Avicii?

Avicii, yeah.

Who. Who never told anyone, I'm falling apart here. Was it not Bon Jovi? Who was it? Van Halen. Eddie Van Halen. There's so many people in the media who think, I've got to pretend I'm great. I can't say I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm lost. They often let you know through their songs, look at Prince. I mean, that's so sad that he was so lonely. But they feel that if they tell us, we'll see them as weak and needy. When, in fact, the basis of friendship is if you're vulnerable than I am. I like you because you're showing me who you really are. And I can love your very soul because I know you. But if I'm in love with an illusion, then it can't work because I don't even know who you are.

Wow. How old were you when you started to realize that. That you were lovable?

I think in my 20s, a long time, maybe. I remember when I was 18, I had this really lovely boyfriend. We'd always say, I love the way you look. And I would say to my mum, I haven't got a personality. I really believed I had no personality because I love your hair, I love your body. But I heard that I didn't have any character whatsoever, and that really bothered me. So I think, you know, it's so weird because when you change so much, you can hardly recognize the person you are. Looking back, I'd say, really, my 20s, maybe mid. Maybe even later than my mid-20s. It is only working with my clients over and over again and seeing what was wrong with them that I began to realize, oh, that's what's wrong with everyone. Interesting. Yeah. And I began to see all of my clients. They could only ever have one of three things wrong with them.

What's that?

Well, the first one was, I'm not enough. That was the biggie. Every client I saw, whether they were a nursery school teacher or they worked in a store, or they were a billionaire CEO or a movie star, they all had the same thing. I'm not enough. And so I've got to earn love or buy love or keep being a bigger, better deal to get love. And that's so easy to fix. You just go, you just take the not out. I am enough. I always have been, I always will be. And you have to. You see, the lie is every day you tell yourself, I'm not enough. You don't know you're doing it. You get up and go, look at me, I don't look right. I messed that up. I didn't leave enough time to get here. My kids aren't perfect. Our client is annoyed. So every day, over and over again, you're telling yourself you're not enough. And you just have to take out the knot and go, I'm enough. If I'm prepared to lie to myself every single day over and over again, why not have a better lie? I'm enough. It doesn't have to be true. People say, you know, my legs are the size of tree trunks. Well, clearly that can't be true. This is killing me. This is making me crazy. This is driving me and saying none of these things are true. But if you're prepared, prepared to lie, at least have a better lie. I have great coping skills. This is a challenge, but I've got it. I can rest at the weekend. I've got this right, I've got great, great. I have great coping skills. Is a great lie because if you say enough, it actually becomes true really fast. Yeah, something I say a lot. You're never given anything that you can't cope with or if I got a lot on, well, I'll rest at the weekend. I can deal with this. I've got this. This is fine, this is okay. So the first thing wrong with people is always, I'm not enough. And if you feel like that, remember you weren't born with it, you're in great company and just let it go because it's not true. The second thing wrong is this belief that I'm different so I can't connect. And that's kind of a modern day illness. You know, if you're in a tribe, you would connect because you'd know that you're all interrelated, you look the same. But this belief, I'm different so I can't connect.

Is it I can't connect or people don't understand me?

No, you connect by being the same. You know, we're primitive people, we connect by being the same. So if you're different, it's very hard to connect because you feel different and when you feel different, you can't connect. But then you have to remember the truth if that's Your greatest fear. It's most people's greatest fear. So if you look at E.T. he couldn't. He connected to Elliot, but he couldn't connect, and he had to go home because he had to be with his people.

So why is there such a big fear for people of connecting? Yeah, I'm different, so I can't connect. Isn't different good in a lot of ways, like being unique and being different?

Well, the answer is yes and no. When you're a little kid, you go, I like SpongeBob SquarePants. I like green pasta. I like Dr. Seuss. And we connect by being, I got a friend, and they like what I like.

Gotcha.

So when we're little, we connect by being the same. And our DNA understands that we are hardwired to find connection and avoid rejection. Because that's how you make it as a child. You find connection, whether it's your little kitten clinging onto your leg, your dog wanting you not to leave the house, a baby holding on so tightly to Mum. You understand the truth. If I'm connected, I will survive, and if I'm disconnected, I will die. Because, you know, imagine 100 years ago, you couldn't produce milk for your baby. Or 500 years ago, we understood that connection was what made us live and disconnection killed us. Why? Every culture would practice banishment or isolation or marooning or casting out. So connection makes us survive, especially as adults. Yeah.

Okay. So we need to feel connected.

Yeah. And if you listen to all those songs, I'll die if you leave me. My world is empty without you I can't live without. I can't breathe without you.

Okay.

And to this day, you know, schools understand that someone trolls you, someone ostracizes you. Kids, you know, cut you out of the group. They don't speak to you. So our greatest fear is, if I'm different, I can't connect. But if you go back to that, everyone's fear is being different. So if you have that fear, it actually means you're the same. And connection is a choice. You can connect to anyone all over the world, whatever their race, religion, creed is. The problem is that we don't see that we still disconnect people. We saw that a lot with the Boston bombers. They were so disconnected from society that that turned into hatred. And it's really important at schools to look at these disconnected kids and to bring them back. If you look at the whole jail system in Finland, it's all about reconnect. We don't put them in isolation, and then Send them back out into the world crazy and full of anger. We reconnect. And so our greatest fear as humans is to be disconnected.

So how do we reconnect if we feel like our friend group has pushed us away, our family has sent us away, how do we feel connected?

Well, sometimes you've got to find a new group. I mean, your family are just what I call your original family. You can have, first of all, you have your nuclear family, mom, dad, brother, sister, auntie, uncle, grandma. But then when you get married, they become your extended family. And so you can always create a family. So don't go back to the old tribe that hurt you and expect them to get better. I think a lot of our problems is I expect my mum suddenly to become wonderful. She was always mean and hostile, but I expect her to be kind and lovely. She's got old now. Aren't old ladies sweet? No. Sometimes they're still cranky. A bitter, cranky person doesn't become sweet when they're 80. And often the belief is I got to go back to my family and make them love me. When there's a whole world out there to love you and if people hurt you, not always intending to, and you keep going back to them, but they can't always make it better. It's like, you know, if you, if your family had that capacity to love you a cup. But my capacity is Olympic swimming pool. I can't expect that to fill me up. I can fill them up. They can't fill up me if I have a little. If my parents have a shot glass capacity to give me love and I've got the ocean capacity. How can a shot glass fill up the ocean? Stop going back to people that hurt you and find there are people all over the world that will love you and fill you up, we keep going back to the hurt is expecting them to make it better. They're often so hurt they can't. And they often do things like, well, you know, people like us, we don't have that. And look at those people. We're not like that. So it's. I feel different. You know, if your dad was the town drunk, if you didn't have a dad and everyone else did, if you had money and everyone else didn't, or vice versa. We buy in very early to this. I'm different. I'm different. And you're not different, you're the same. So you have to stop looking for what makes you different because that's the confirmation bias. Whatever you look for, you're going to find it. I mean, I was a principal's daughter. I felt different the day I went to school, my whole child, because my dad was the headmaster and that was actually horrible. I realize now that was not a good thing. But I was always looking for what made me different. And then it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I kept looking for it. Plus, you know, I could hypnotize people. And that made me feel even more different. And I had this kind of ability to work out what's wrong with someone really quickly. And that's both good and bad. It's actually good. But whatever you look for, you will find whatever you are moving towards, you'll get more of. If you look for why your head is killing you, or say, I'm a bit dehydrated, I'm going to drink some water, rub some lavender on my head, I'll be fine in 20 minutes. You got to decide where you're going. And if you look for what makes you different, you will find it over and over again. But if you say, well, why don't I look for what makes me the same, we're all the same somewhere, then you'll find that too. And it can be very hard if you're dealing with someone who's violent or aggressive or acting out. But if you can look for what makes you the same and not different, it really changes your life because then you can't be disconnected and you can go all over the world, you can hang out with tribes. You know, my friend was in Rwanda with a gorill. And actually, if you think you're like them, I did this thing of walking with wolves. And the first thing you must do is you have to crouch down, you mustn't bear your teeth, you can't wear wool. And the wolf comes up and decides that you're a wolf. And then you go for a walk and it keeps rounding you back up. If you walk away, it takes you back into the wolf pack because it thinks you're one of them. And if you can make a wolf think you're one of them or a gorilla, then of course you can do it with people. But you have to start from like you. You're like me, I'm the same as you. And I can connect with you somewhere, somehow. Stop looking for what makes you different and look for what makes you the same. Because it really is life changing. The third thing that's wrong is such a sad belief. It's what I want isn't available. I want love. But I was abandoned when I was a Baby, I want wealth, but I come from a family that never had wealth, so I can't have that. I want health. My whole family are overweight, diabetic, so that's not going to happen. And if you want it while believing it's not available, that will block you. And so you have to decide it is available, it's available with bells on. Whatever you want is available. But we have blocking thoughts and limiting beliefs that really get in the way and you have to go back again to the thought and change it.

I love that. So when we realize these three problems that we all have or ask ourselves, do I believe I'm not enough? Do I believe I'm different and I'm not the same, you know, have similarities as others and do I believe what I want isn't available? If we can flip that and make them all positive, I am enough. I'm. I have a lot of similarities as other people. I'm connected.

The School of Greatness is brought to you in partnership with Airbnb. The holidays are such a special time to travel and gather with loved ones. Think about some of your best trips. Those cozy spaces, thoughtful touches, and the feeling of being right at home wherever you are. Now imagine getting to provide that same experience for someone else. Because when you travel, your place is just sitting empty while you're away. Hosting on Airbnb can be a no brainer. And in a season where new experiences creating lasting memories, it's a unique way to help others make their own. And Martha and I both travel a lot, especially with her family in Mexico and mine all over the usa. So we know what it's like to be on the go during the holidays. And from our experience, hosting has always been easy and straightforward. And whether you're traveling often or just once in a while, it can be a simple way to earn a little extra while you're away, your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much@airbnb.com host the holidays are here, and with them comes all the cheer and the spending. And I think we've all felt the pressure of finding the perfect gift for the perfect price. And those prices are sure giving us a run for our money. You know how it goes. One gift turns into 10. You're trying to stay on budget and before you know it, you've spent half a day scrolling, comparing prices and wondering if you should have just gotten everyone gift cards. It can feel a little stressful trying to make it all feel special without breaking the bank, but luckily you can get the Holiday savings at Metro with the most wonderful deal of the season. Get one line for of 5G for only $25 a month and a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. The best part is that you can keep the phone you love and keep your number and no activation fees. And that's what I'm talking about. A deal that actually lasts five years locked in. That's peace of mind right there at Metro. Get that more for your money feeling, visit your local store today. $25 a month with autopay $30 your first month guarantee. Exclusions apply. C site for details Cold mornings holiday plans this is when you need your wardrobe to just work. Stuff that looks sharp, feels good and you'll actually reach for quints. Makes gifting easy when everything's worth keeping for yourself. By partnering directly with trusted factories that maintain high standards for craftsmanship and ethical practices, Quince cuts out the middlemen and markups. That means premium quality at half the cost of other high end brands. So you can give luxury pieces without the luxury price tag. And it goes beyond their clothes. Quince also has incredible home and bedding options to make your home cozy this season. Martha and I have the European linen duvet cover set from Quince. And let me tell you, the duvet set is so soft and high quality. We highly recommend get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with quints. Don't wait. Go to quint.com Lewis for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com L E W I S free shipping and 365 day returns.

Quince.com Lewis and I believe what I want is available. Then we can start taking different actions.

And yeah, especially with love, the first thing is to go, you know, I'm enough. There's someone somewhere that will benefit from being in love with me and I'll benefit from being in love with them. So look at what you got to give. It's that kindness, warmth. Because all people want is someone to get up with, go home to that's warm and kind.

Supports love.

If you want love, you have to believe you're worthy of it. You're enough. Then you have to believe that you can connect with anyone. Because love isn't about, you know, often the people we fall in love with are nothing like us. I'm tidy. My husband's message. You might say I'm logical. My husband's emotional, I'm calm. They're like a Porsche. They go from naught to fifth gear in a nanosecond. But you have to look for also keep looking back to what have you got in common? Do you dream the same dream? Do you like the same things? Yes, I'm the same. So I can connect. And love is available to me. You know, love is available to everybody. You know, we find love in the strangest places, but we look for it in the strangest places, too. But love is available to everybody.

What do you think keeps us from finding and creating lasting love then?

The greatest problem in finding and creating lasting love is the obvious one. I'm not worth it. And the biggest problem is people stay with the wrong person because they fear they won't ever get any better. Well, it's not really working. I invested 10 years, might as well invest another 10. It's having such low expectations that will settle for anyone. And the fear of being alone makes us hook up with the wrong person. But being alone, it's better to say, you know, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person if I decide. And I did that. I was in Africa, I was in Zimbabwe, and I was staying in this honeymoon suite. I was thinking, oh, that's so sad. I said, oh, I'm having a great time. I love it in here. I've got a bath, that shower, it's so romantic. And I remember thinking, you know, if this is as good as it gets, it's okay. When I decided, if I'm alone for the rest of my life, it's okay. I've got people I love, and I had a lot of love. And then the minute I made that decision, I was married 10 months later. I hadn't even met my husband then.

Is that like an internal switch where you're just like, I'm lovable no matter what. But I'm not gonna settle.

No, I'm not gonna settle. And I'm very happy. And last year, when I was in lockdown, someone brought the seven feral cats that lived in my garage. And I got so much love from those cats. I was thinking, wow, when I'm 95, it's okay. I'm going to have loads and loads of little wild cats and convert them. And that was the same thing with the cats. I would pick them up and go, I'm going to make this familiar every day. I'd hold them for a minute and then two, and then three. And I put their cat food in my hand. And I was thinking, we're making being touched familiar. And after a while they just got so used to it because you have to make what's unfamiliar being held familiar. And I think it's always good to say, you know, there's all kinds of love. I can have love of animals, people, maybe my church friends who know there's always someone you can connect to. But you've got to look for connection, not disconnection. When you get to that level of wow, there's a lot of love in the world. Of course you can find love and keep it forever. But you have to believe you're worth it and you have to believe it's available because love is everywhere, it's all around you. But you've decided it's not for you. Nature's not going to let you have it. And there's never one person. I don't like that expression, twin flame or trauma bonding because I think it sends you in the wrong direction. There's only one person and trauma doesn't bond. Many will say we lost our child. It was so traumatic, we broke up. Or our kid was sick and we broke up, or. Or I got attacked or the house got burgled and the trauma ended the relationship. So the belief that trauma bonds you together forever. I'm not sure that's a good idea. I think it might work for some people, but you just have to think about a belief. Just decide I'm lovable. My grand used to say, every pan has its lid. So you're someone's lid and someone is your pan. You're someone's fantasy dream come true. Someone will find you deeply lovable just the way you are. But you can't make them believe it if you don't believe it. You can't make someone believe you're worthy of love. If you think I'm not really worthy of love, one day you're going to be disappointed. When you know you're worth it, everyone else will know it too. So we do the wrong things to get love. We try to work on our body, our education, our home. We go to the gym. We try to have stuff snipped off or injected in or waxed off. We're so busy adding stuff and getting rid of stuff to find love.

What should we be doing instead?

Telling ourselves we're lovable? The only thing you ever need to do to find love is only one thing. Convince yourself you're worthy of it until it is. Because a conviction is a conviction. I'm now convinced it's not a fleeting thought. It's an absolute, absolute conviction. And convictions come over time. So tell yourself that I am lovable and I'm worthy of until it is an unshakable belief.

What if we're out of integrity with our conviction, like, I'm lovable, but we eat poor foods consistently, we're alcoholic, you know, we don't sleep well, we're going on bad dates and letting people abuse us. So how much of the actions and being in integrity with our word to ourselves is necessary as well?

So you're starting from, I'm lovable and I'm going to go on dates and I want this person to say, I'm lovable. But if you're eating burgers and fries and staying up all night and turning up with chipped nail varnish and dirty hair and a stained T shirt, you're not really saying I'm lovable. You're not really saying I'm a cat. You know, if some guy turned out with a beer all over his T shirt and egg in his beard, you wouldn't think, oh, he's a catch. Any more than a guy would think, you've turned up in dirty old leggings with chipped nail varnish. So when it again, that's abusive behavior. If you want someone to believe you're lovable, you have to believe you're lovable. First you believe it, then you start to act in a way that says, yeah, if I'm lovable, I should take myself to bed now. I don't really need to watch any more episodes of Catherine the Great tonight. I can do it over the weekend. I don't need eight slices of pizza. I can have one. So it goes back into the message you're sending out. When you know your love, when you resonate it, you act in a different way. You're not a people pleaser. You help, you're nice. You wouldn't go, well, I have what you're having. I do what you want, I don't care. I'll go wherever you want to go. You have an opinion and you'll say, oh, no, that's not my thing. I don't really like that. I don't want to do that. I'm not going to drive for three hours to see you. If you're not prepared to meet me halfway, then it's not a good place to start if I've got to pay the bill all the time. If you never do, you never ask me, how is the conversation going back and forth? Is someone listening to you? Are they transmitting or receiving Some people just transmit. They go. Like a hair dryer, they go. And the whole day is them talking to you. And they never ask you how you are. And that's not respectful. Respectful is saying, oh, did you. You keep interrupting me. You're not asking me anything about me. I've been on a date. There's only one thing about me. And I realized I don't need to put myself through that. And if you have enough respect, you'll say, you know, we've been talking for an hour. This is actually not a match. I wish you great success in finding love, but you're not for me and I'm not for you. And you have that sense. Rather than dragging out another six hours just about being nice, I deserve better. And you know, again, it comes back to your needs. And in the beginning, when I was all my clients have what I call unmet needs. They come in like, I wasn't loved, I wasn't nurtured, I wasn't praised, I wasn't supported, I didn't feel safe. And when a child has an unmet need, and a baby's need is very simple, the children need to feel safe, secure, loved, connected, significant, and as we get. But we need all of those. We also need you to feel proud of us. And we need to feel interesting and worthy. And if our needs aren't met at an early age, we give up the need or we give it away. And you see that in relationships so much. I've given up the need that you care about me, but I care about you, or I'm giving it away. It's your job now. You're going to have to make me feel attractive, interesting, sexy, worth being with. So I'm giving my need to you.

That's a lot of work.

Yeah, a huge work, because now you're still needy. But someone else's job is to meet your needs. And they can do it very well for a while, but then they get bored. They have their own needs. So if you give the need up, no one's going to love me. I expect all relationships. If I always get ghosted, I've now given the need up. I've got my cats, I got my Ben and Jerry's in the freezer, my Netflix. And I'm just not going to even bother or I'm going to. I just know it's not going to work. I've even stopped dating. So I've given the need up. I might. I've even given the need up to have a great job. And I'm Living a life that's not very satisfying. But I've given the need up, or I've given it away. Someone out there is going to have to turn up and meet my need. I need to feel the same thing, significant, connected, loved, safe. You've got to do that for me. But there's a third way, which is meet the need yourself. As weird as that sounds, If I need to feel safe, my husband's out of town. I go, hey, how can I feel safe? You've left town. I lock the doors, have a little alarm thing that I never use, but when he's out of town, I know where it is in the bedroom. One of my clients said, well, my husband goes away, I have to go and stay with my mother of 85 to feel safe. I'm like, what's she going to do? She's 85 years old. How can that be? That you've given your need to be safe to someone of 85. Every time your husband leaves town, you take your kids to your 85 year old mother. So she's given the need away. But the idea is, okay, I got a phone, I got an alarm, I've got a great system. I know, or just to believe you're safe. So if you look right now at your unmet needs, they're always going to be the same. Connected, safe, secure, significant, valid, worthwhile. I need someone to be proud of me. I need to feel, I matter. And it may sound kind of weird to go, okay, I'm going to do it. I matter. I'm significant, I'm secure within myself, I'm proud of who I am. If you decide to meet your unmet needs, you feel so complete that then you'll meet other people who can also meet them. But it's the opposite of needy. And that's if I'm in relationships, like, okay, I've got a list here and someone's going to have to tick all these boxes. And the second thing with needs is when you find someone to have a relationship with, you got to put your needs in three piles. So I'm going to use all these cups.

Yes.

So you have to say, okay, this need is non negotiable. Going to have to meet that need. I need to always know where you are at 2 in the morning. I need to know where you are. I need you to call me. I need you to be home in time for dinner. I need you to put your underpants in the laundry basket. That is a need I'm not prepared to sacrifice. That's okay, but then you might go, you know what, I can put the underpants in the laundry basket. Is it really worth all the arguments? So the second you think, you know what, I can meet this need, I need a clean, tidy house. My husband doesn't even see mess, but I'm just going to do it myself. Or maybe we can get someone to come in. But the second need, you meet it. And the third needle, just give it up. It's sometimes it's just not worth it. See, if I said, I need my husband, make a huge deal about my birthday, hey, this is a need. Birthdays are huge. I want a gift, I want it wrapped, I want ribbons. I can say, you know what, I can buy myself a great gift. I can do that myself if it's not that important. Or I can go, is it really important? I've got every. Do I need all these gifts? Actually, it doesn't matter which one it is. But no one can meet all your needs. You got to have that need is non negotiable. That need, I can meet it. And that need, I'm going to give it up. So my daughter is an artist and I realized immediately the need for tidiness. There's just no way. Because people who are messy don't see mess. They can't meet. You go, yes, I'm so they don't see it. So I couldn't say to her, hey, you need a tidy room all the time, right? I couldn't. I could go in and tidy her room every single day, but you know, I just learned to shut the door. I gave up that need. And it made our family so much happier because she lives in chaos and I don't. And she's a painter. And one day I went and I stapled plastic all over her walls and her carpet. And that was, that was great. I never worried about it again. So look at your needs. Put them in three piles. I have to have that need, then that's okay. And I'm going to meet that need and I'm giving that one up. And allow your partner too, to realize that they can't meet all of your needs. You can't meet all of those. And some needs just aren't important enough. Right, Right. And others are very important. Depends what they are.

What do you think is more important in a relationship? To make sure your values are in alignment, to make sure your shared vision is in alignment or your lifestyle the way you want to live your life. Like, one wants to travel more and the other wants to stay home.

I Think lifestyle, you know, is most the thing people fight about more than anything is money. With even people with lots of money. The number one thing we fight about is money and the second is chores. Even if they have a housekeeper.

Really?

Yeah. So that must tell you that lifestyle is everything. You see, you don't have to have the same values. You know, you could be of a different religion, you could be Muslim, I could be Hindu. We can actually get on. We, we could come from a different culture and we can work that out. I come from a family where everybody was divorced and my husband doesn't, but we get on really well. So I think values are nice, but that's, you know, we've got to have exactly the same values. We don't always have the same values. Some people value things more. I mean some of the things my husband likes to watch on television, I find the boynik. And you don't value a chick thing. I was wondering, what was it? I was watching the new episode, Sex and the City. Oh, I hate this. I didn't love it either. So no, I've got to watch it. I'm invested in it now. So sometimes he'll go and do something else. It's like if you're with someone who loves sport and you don't, you don't have to love sport. My husband loves cooking. He's always cooking. I don't really love that. I don't mind, but it's all the shopping and then the channel chopping and the cleaning. I'm like, let's just grill some fish. But he likes so that. But we don't have the same thing because I don't value cooking at all the way he does. But lifestyle, if you're up all night and your partner goes to bed early, if you're an outdoor person, you love to travel, they love to stay home. You love family and they don't. I think lifestyle is what you're going to spend the rest of your life with one person. So I think you should look, I mean so many issues about. Our kids are going to private school. No, they're not. I believe in punishment. I don't believe in that. It makes a very unhappy home.

Right.

So lifestyle is important. Values are important too. And goals and dreams are important. But you can have different goals. Like my husband has no desire to write best selling books, you could say. But imagine if he did. We'd be committed competing. But when I'm writing, he cooks me lovely food. He brings me tea and coffee. He knows I have to be left Alone, because I'm in a writing mode. So we're not the same because he has no interest. He tried once to write a book, he absolutely hated it. He threw the whole thing away. But I couldn't do what he does. So are our values the same? Yeah. Are our goals and dreams the same? No, but is our lifestyle the same? Yeah, we like the same thing. We tend to go to bed together, get up together, we like to travel to the same places. You know, if I was with someone who wanted to go out all night until 2am that would be really hard because if I was with someone who wanted to bring people home every night and have a party, that wouldn't work. So I think we really forget that having the same lifestyle is really important because that's what people fight about the most.

I got a couple final questions here. What do you think we should feel when we start dating someone and we've been dating them for a while? What do you think we need to think or feel or know internally that we can move forward towards a commitment?

Your feelings are the most real thing you have. And I always think you should feel your feelings until they no longer require to be felt. Say, you know, I met this person, I didn't really like them, but oh my God, the sex. So I overlooked all these things. I met this person who was mean, rude to waiters, dismissive, rude to my family, but they were just so compelling and so gorgeous and so out of my league that I tolerated it. Tune into your feelings. They will tell you very quickly. You know, our gut, our gut is our gut instinct. Our gut is the second brain. If, if someone doesn't seem nice and doesn't seem kind and is treating you badly, why stay? Why wait for that to get better? If you feel that they're not really a nice person, then why hang around? If you notice behavior, that's a red flag. They always forget their credit card. They seem to diminish. People say, I don't know how I ended up with a narcissist, but often we do. We go, yeah, I, I just, I.

Overlooked that there was something else that was more compelling.

They were so good looking or so nice, or they were very generous, they took me to great places and I overlooked the fact that either they were annoying or mean or even boring. I just thought, I'll stick this out. You know, your feelings are the most real thing you have and you got to feel your feelings until you get the message and then they go away. And often we just ignore feelings.

Can your feelings ever Lie to you?

No, I don't think so. I met many of us on my wedding day. I knew it. And one of my friends said, I knew I was marrying the wrong person on my wedding day. I waited for my wife to come there, and I knew I was making a mistake, but I couldn't let people down. You know, Charles and Diana both tried to call off their wedding. Both of them knew it was wrong, but they felt, well, you've got to go ahead with it, right? If your feelings are saying no that early, then at least go, hey, there's no rush to get married. There's no rush to move in. There's no rush. I mean, there maybe is a rush to have children, but more problems occur from picking the wrong person or staying with the wrong person because you're not tuning into your feelings when you tune into your feelings, you know, because the feeling is, I feel a feeling of rightness with this person. I love waking up to this person. I love coming home to this person. Even on my worst day, when they annoy me, I imagine my life without them and think, oh, no, my life's so much better with them. So I don't think your feelings can ever lie because they come from the gut, which is the seat of your emotion.

Right?

I think we lie to ourselves, but our feelings don't lie. In the 10 people in that book, every single one of them had lied to themselves that there's a girl in there who wanted to kill herself, and her lie was, I've got to be good. I need to be good. And I said, but being good makes you want to die. She goes, I know. I said, I think it's time to stop being good. She said, you know, I'm going straight to Victoria's Secret now. I said, yeah, I think you need to be bad. You need to be naughty. If being good makes you want to die, what's the point? And then the girl in there with OCD and OCD is nothing more than, I can't control what's going on in here, but all the cups are going to be just right and everything. Now I can control out there because I can't control in here. And for her, it was just a question of, look, control in here. Look at the thoughts and change them. And so many of us are so busy not really feeling what we feel. We think we can netflix our feelings or Krispy Kreme donut our feelings. Or nice bottle of wine, our feelings. Or, you know, even Amazon or ebay our feelings, but you can't you have to feel your feelings. They're the most real thing you have. When you feel your feelings go, what am I feeling? I don't know. But I'm not going to eat it or drink it or shop it. I'm going to sit with it until.

It no longer needs to be felt.

And then it goes away. And it goes away really quickly and it stops coming back.

This is powerful stuff. We'll have to do a whole other episode on relationships another time, but this book is going to help a lot of people. Tell yourself about a lie. Use the power of rapid transformational therapy to edit your story and rewrite your life by Marissa Peer. Make sure you guys get a few copies of this. Going to be really inspiring. Some incredible stories that there will be at least one or two examples in here that will resonate with you and your friends, I guarantee it. And will be helpful action steps on how to overcome these different challenges.

Can I just add one thing? Because one chapter is called RTT for me and as it shows you what I do with each person, here's Ryan's story, here's Tara's story. It shows you what went at the end. It shows you look, it's not that you don't need therapy, but there are certain things you can do, certain things you can do yourself. Like upgrading the child. That upgrade. Great part of what I do with clients, but it shows you in the RTT what you can do at home.

Upgrading the child.

Your inner child.

Yeah, upgrading the child. Dialoguing with a herta praise you've always wanted the missing bit of you. And installing the cheerleader. They're not a replacement for therapy, but you may not need therapy. You just may need to fix a few little things like the lie you're telling yourself.

Yes, I love this. You've got an amazing YouTube channel, Mercer peer podcast, social media, Mercer Peer everywhere. Where else can we go to support you and learn more about what you're up to?

I'm on Instagram, I'm on YouTube, but if you go to marissapier.com we have a ton of free audios. We have audios on love blocks, money blocks, success blocks. We don't ask for a credit card, they're all free. So marissapier.com will give you a lot of free resources. Rtt.com is should you want to do what I do because we've now trained 13,000 people in RTT is amazing. In fact, a lot of their stories are in there too. If you want to find someone to do RTT and R&D train in it. Go to RTT.com if you want to get all these I'm Enough bracelets and join the I'm Enough movement. Go to I'm enough.com I love it.

I think a lot of people have signed up to be in the rtt, the therapy community. From our interviews, a lot of people messaged me, said I signed up for the course and the workshop and they say amazing things, so I highly recommend it. Check out marisapier.com for more. Marissa, you're always an inspiration. I'm so glad we get to I'm so glad we're friends. I'm so glad I get to connect with you and I learn so much every time I have you on. So I'm excited to do more in the future and I just appreciate you for constantly showing up. You're an amazing gift to the world.

Thank you. And I just forget to say, if anyone wants to have that program for their children, the cheerleader for children, write to me because we give that away. We're giving that to schools all over the world now.

Okay.

Is that online somewhere or they just.

If you just go to Marisa peer.com and say you want the I can do I can't or I can challenge for schools. We send it, but we also send it to scouts and anyone who's working with children. It isn't just for schools.

Awesome.

If you've got lots of kids, you can have it in your house. Or even one.

Amazing. Marisa, you're a gift. I appreciate it. Thanks so much for being here.

Thank you. It's been such fun. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share it a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

This episode is sponsored by Morgan Stanley's Thoughts on the Market. It can be difficult to stay up to date on the financial market in today's ever changing environment. With so much commentary at any given moment, it's hard to cut through the noise to gain quality, actionable insights. Morgan Stanley is here to help with their podcast Thoughts on the Market. Thoughts on the Market is your daily market snapshot covering trends across the global investment landscape and offering perspectives from Morgan Stanley's leading economists and strategists. It's one of the only daily podcasts providing real time commentary from a financial institution on the day's biggest questions and topics. And with Most episodes under 5 minutes long, market clarity can fit seamlessly into your daily routine. Staying informed has never been easier. Listen and subscribe to Thoughts on the Market wherever you get your podcasts.