The PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS To Master CONFIDENCE & Crush Fear

Confident people don't care how right they are. They don't. When you're confident, it's like, I know what I know. I'm good with it. You have to check in with yourself and realize, am I being a coward? I think bravery is something that we don't speak about, and courage is something.

We don't speak about. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. This podcast is sponsored by Northwestern Mutual. Everyone wants to feel good about their finances, right? Well, that's why I've had life insurance with Northwestern Mutual for years. Their financial professionals ask the right questions, truly listen, and help uncover opportunities most people miss. I've seen it firsthand. Northwestern Mutual has been a part of my journey from the very beginning, providing the security and peace of mind I need as a human and an entrepreneur. Find a better way to money@nm.com, the Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, paid testimonial by a Northwestern Mutual policy owner.

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Well, I think do you think we've taken a step back actually in in-person communication? A huge step. Everything now is people are more comfortable in texting and communicating through social and then when it comes to in-person, Something's completely shifted. You can see people having a harder time communicating in person and everyone's kind of deviating towards typing, texting or email. It's become the comfort zone.

What's the most easiest way to communicate without, yeah, exactly.

Text is the easiest. Email. So here's the thing. In person is the best way to communicate, by the way. Whenever I can speak to somebody in person or sit down and see them like this, this is where you get the best. The best. This is where you get magic.

Right.

Then there's you. Okay. Then there's the phone. Phone is another great way. But when you go to email, you still have to write. But long-form sentences, you have to write properly. Texting is just a couple of words. And that is where everyone's kind of shifted to gone. It's also the, when I text or when I post on social, I'm not as, it's keyboard courage. I'm not.

You wouldn't say it to someone's face.

You would never say it to somebody's face.

I feel like you should only say things online with what you would say to that person's face. Otherwise, what are we doing?

Yes.

If you can't look at somebody and say it, then you shouldn't write it. But it's the anonymity that I can write this stuff and then I can take out whatever's going on in my life out on somebody else and I can feel brave in that way. But it's such a false way to be brave.

What does that do to the person communicating in that way, having that false bravery by saying something strong or powerful or aggressive online, but the unwillingness to do that in person? What does that do to that person?

You have to check in with yourself and realize, Am I being a coward? If I can't say something to somebody's face, but I can do it over text, There's something that's missing. I think bravery is something that we don't speak about and courage is something we don't speak about. We don't do it in a very overt way, in a very physical way, in a very engaged way. It's talked about as this like thing, oh, be brave, be motivated. Where is that? You have to manifest that with your body. You have to do it. And it's doing it in the day-to-day decisions that you make. So going back to my class, it's interesting, we talk about, criminal justice, right? Criminology. And sometimes we'll talk about even being, for example, I showed them a video of somebody who fell on these New York City train tracks in New York City, and there were all these people on the platform. One person gets down to go help the person. And so I asked them, would you do that? The majority of the class, no. No, hell no. No, whoa, I'm not gonna do that. And I hear that, and I think something is lost there amongst us. When the answer, at least I feel through my belief system again, is that the overwhelming answer should be like, I would wanna help save another human being's life. I would wanna help save somebody else. But we've come to this place where it's very much self-preservation. Don't say anything wrong. Don't do the wrong thing.

Right?

And attack in a way that's safe and comfortable, or not even attack, but you can disagree. And here's the other amazing thing. I think we don't understand how to disagree. So you can disagree or you can be competitive. It's something actually that you're taught in interviewing and interrogations.

Are you trying to be competitive in.

Interrogation or just- so when I say competitive, I mean that I can disagree with you in a healthy way. So you call it competitive dialogue.

How's that look? If I say, you know, the sky is green today.

Okay, well tell me why you think the sky is green. It's just, it just looks green.

You know, I just see the color, you know, I don't know, maybe it's a reflection of something, but it's green, it's not blue.

Okay, so now what I would do in that moment is ask you why you think of it that way, why you see it that way. What is your point of view? You're not disagreeing with me and saying.

Oh no, you're an idiot, it's blue. Yes. You're not doing that.

You're not getting like defensive or aggressive. because that is your value system. So I may, for example, I have a very strong belief system, fitness and working out, it's been part of me, but that's my belief system. It is not somebody else's. If I try to impose it to somebody, so for example, when you hear somebody say, I have to lose weight, I have to lose weight, their belief system is not really based upon working out and fitness. So I can turn around and be very direct, and that's being direct with someone is the way you lose people. So what you wanna do is, You want to always let people talk, even if you don't like what they have to say, even if you don't agree with them. Let them go, let them explain themselves.

What happens when you let someone explain themselves, even when you know they're 100% wrong?

You shut up. You shut your mouth. That's like, I always say that. That's my, the gift to any great communicator is this. Let them go. Don't correct them. Don't tell them that they're wrong. Just let them be in their world. Now, here's the important thing. One, they're going to say everything they want to say. You're going to understand what their mindset is. And two things happen. One, you can speak now because once somebody is done sharing everything, now they can hear you. Well, what you do is you're speaking, I cut you off, I insert myself, you get frustrated, Hey, you're not listening to me. I'm talking, she's dismissing me. And so, when I speak, you come back at me, I come back at you, and now we have conflict. And so, for example, when I used to do interviews, I would sit in rooms with people who...

When you mean an interview, you mean an interrogation. Yeah.

I use, you know, it's interesting. You call them interviews, though. Interviews and interrogations are the same thing. So what you see in TV, in law and order, that you did it, you this, you that, that's garbage. It doesn't work. It doesn't that work. You're, the best confessions I've ever gotten, they've been almost like psychology sessions or conversations where people progressively over a bit of time give you what we call admissions.

A little more, a little more.

Yes. So it'll be like, yes, I was there at the house. Oh, yes, I was there at the time. Yes, I saw her or I saw him. Yes, I left upset. Yes, this. Yes, that. And then incrementally they get to, you get to the confession. Yes, I did it. whatever that is, right? Whereas we go straight, most people go straight for the kill, tell me. And it's because of this lack of patience, this thing that we know everything. And maybe you are right in that moment, but it's not what you think. It's what the other person thinks, understanding how they think, getting into their head and speaking to them. So now if we bring this back to what you asked me about, being competitive means I can compete with you in ideas. without being it being ugly, without being confrontational or conflict. But what we've done is we've made conflict a confrontation, this very negative thing. We don't want it. When it happens, people lose their minds. I have so many people reach out, especially when I do consulting. How do I, the question is always, how do I avoid confrontation? How do I avoid conflict? Why do you spend so much time avoiding it? Why do you spend so much time avoiding speaking what you want to say, speaking your truth or sharing your ideas? And why can you not present them in a way where there is disagreement, there is competitiveness. I compete, you compete. No, the sky's green. Well, I see it this way. Oh, I see it blue. But why do you see it this way? And you have that dialogue.

But it's not an aggressive competitiveness. It's an open dialogue.

It's not me being a jerk to show you how smart I am.

Yeah.

And it's not me shutting you down. And it's not me having an attachment to the end result, me being right and me showing you how right I am. Confident people don't care how right they are. They don't. When you're confident, it's like, I know what I know. I'm good with it. This person sees things a different way. And also it also comes into where the dialogue where sometimes we think, well, I'm saying this, and this is what I mean, you also have to think, what is this person hearing? So just because I think, well, I said this, it's like, that's great, but what are they hearing? How do they hear you?

What's the skill then for people to-- what happens when people avoid conflict as much as possible, as opposed to leaning into it and being comfortable with the discomfort of conflict?

That is very dangerous. and it is very bad.

To avoid it.

To avoid it because I'm not telling you to go look for it. Avoid it to certain degrees when it's noise, when it's chatter. Like people talk to me about politics all the time because I was former Secret Service. I don't participate. To me it's noise, it's chatter. I don't share. And I never speak about the people that I had access to are protected.

Sure.

But that, it doesn't matter to me.

But a conflict between relationships of friends or family or co-workers or so it.

Depends if it's important to you, you should address it. What you do is it causes long-term regret.

If you don't address it.

If you don't address it, it causes you to build up resentment, anger, bitterness and hate. That's where that comes from.

And the other person doesn't even know what they did maybe.

Maybe they know, but if you don't check them, 'cause from time to time in life you have to, I say check, this is my queen's coming out, but when I say check, Address it.

Yeah, check in with them.

Yes, you said this, this is how I see this, and when you debate something with people, use language that's factual. You said this, you said this, you said this.

How does someone overcome the doubts that come up? Whether it be the fear of failure, the fear of success, the fear of other people's opinions, the fear of pleasing their parents, how do they overcome the doubts? and start to gain that confidence, that self-esteem like you.

Well, a couple of things. Number one, first of all, understand you're not alone. That everybody you run across has had doubts. Everybody you've run across has had apprehension about who they are, where they are, where they're going, et cetera. You're not alone. In situations like that, you want company. You want to feel like you're not this aberration. you're not this anomaly standing alone by yourself in the wilderness of fear, and you're the only one that doesn't have the courage to tackle it and overcome it. That's number one. Number two, educate yourself about what you want to do. You should be scared if you're clueless. You should be scared if you're ignorant to what you want to do, why you want to do it, and how you intend to go about achieving whatever aspirations you may have. you're supposed to, if you're going to overcome that fear at some point, knowledge is a part of the equation. So educating yourself about what it is your field is, what it is your aspirations are, whatever the case may be, the mind fields that lie in wait, all of these different potential mind fields, et cetera, et cetera. You got to know to educate yourself about those things because you have no shot at overcoming them. if you don't educate yourself. And last but not least, you know, it's not just about educating yourself and knowing that you have company. But really, the most important thing is really putting yourself in. And it requires like a literal, not just figurative, but a literal look in the mirror. Asking yourself how you will feel if you never try.

Ooh.

Asking yourself that, if I never try, if I don't go for this, where's that gonna leave me? When you don't do that, what you have done is refrained from challenging yourself to be all you could be. Because there's no one that could become all they could be. without looking at themselves.

Absolutely.

You know, Denzel Washington talks about consistency, the importance of consistency. You understand? You got to put in the work, you got to go for it. But you have to have consistency because without consistency, you're putting in the work, the dream is nothing but a dream. And I get all of that, but you have to be able to look at yourself and you have to be able to be honest with yourself and know when you mess up. Because when you mess up, Louis, it's gonna catch you. What I mean when I say it's gonna catch you is at some point, you're gonna look at you and you're gonna say, I didn't try. I didn't go for it. And we know this because of relationships and various other things, but I often tell people this, particularly when it comes to relationships, Relationships come and go. Things don't work out sometimes. But there is nothing on earth worse than when you know you're the reason it messed up. See, if somebody mistreats you, if somebody that you love don't want you no more, but you wanted them and you treated them right and blah, blah, blah, but it didn't work out, it hurts. But you'll be fine.

Yeah.

Most people will be fine. When you're not fine is when you know it was you.

You messed up.

You messed up.

You heard them.

You wanted them and you messed up. And you messed up. Now, if you didn't want them and you messed up, okay. 'Cause you didn't want them. Perfectly illogical explanation as to why you messed up. But when you wanted them and you effed up, it's no greater pain. 'Cause you gotta look at you. and you gotta say, damn, I blew this. And that's some hard, hard stuff to overcome because it lives with you. Because no matter what you have, even if it's better, you don't know it because you're thinking about what you lost because you're the one who messed up.

I know.

If they messed up, you ain't thinking about it like that. But if you messed up, you're always thinking about what you lost, and it's hard to move forward.

I've got a handful of questions for you left.

Sure.

And one of them is about in the book, Straight Shooter. Make sure you guys get the copy of the book, Straight Shooter: Amazing Stories and Lessons from Stephen A. You talk about your dad and I'm curious the biggest lesson he taught you, whether in a good way or a bad way, that you said, this is something he did positive that I'm going to do as a father or something that I'll never do as a father that he did. What is that lesson and what has he taught you about fatherhood now that you are a father?

The importance is two things, one positive, one negative. The positive part is he taught us the importance of laughter because my father was funny.

Really?

And, you know, he was exceptional in sports and he was an exceptional calypso dancer. He could sing and he would make people laugh and smile all the time. He could light up a room. And you know, the importance of laughter, you could bring up a lot of gifts, but somebody's ability to make other people laugh is one of the greatest gifts you could ever give anybody. That's a positive. The negative is that, and it answers the question about fatherhood, he taught me what not to be as a father. My father, this is in the book, it just wasn't good. I loved him, I always will.

But.

I didn't shed a tear when he was gone.

Wow.

The only reason I see him at his gravesite is because he's buried next to my mother. My, if he wasn't, I wouldn't go visit him. We didn't have that good of a relationship. It's not hatred, but there is a significant and flagrant lack of respect. My lack of respect for my father has very little to do with me. It has very little to do with how he quote unquote treated my mother. Because my philosophy is don't put your hands on a woman. He put his hands on my mother, we would have killed him. But he never did that. And he preached against it. So I give him credit for that. But what he did with my mother, He forced her to be the man of the house. Now I know that's not the popular thing to say in this woke culture. I'm not apologizing for that. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing for a woman to have a career to make money, to provide for her family. I admire it, I respect it, I throw no shade on it. But I am unapologetic about the fact that if you can afford it, it is your responsibility as a man to provide for your family.

Especially if your wife just has six kids.

Yes.

She's gonna take care of nurturing and feeding and developing.

That's right.

It's your job.

It's your job. You understand? I mean, any help that she could give you is great, but the responsibility is supposed to be yours. And if you can't do it, you scratch, claw, and even die trying. One of my favorite all-time shows was the show Good Times. James Evans, Sr. You know, he lived in the projects in Chicago. They had to scratch and claw. They barely had enough money to feed their family. It was a, you know, popping in the projects, but that's what they had to deal with. He was the one out there busting his butt every day to make sure that his wife and his children were provided for. I'm of that ilk. It means nothing to me, and I mean nothing. And I'm not married. I've never been married, even though I'll probably get married sometime in the near future. The bottom line is this, it's my responsibility. And I usually say this, and even though I would take care of my wife and what have you, I have two daughters and I tell people all the time, if they're hungry, it's because I'm starving. I don't eat unless I know they eat.

Wow.

I'm not comfortable until they're comfortable. I'm not providing for me until I provide for them. When they're taken care of is when I get to take care of me. The priority is them, 'cause they didn't ask to be here. They're mine and they're my responsibility. And I live by that. And so to me, any man that thinks differently is not the kind of man that I respect.

Sure.

And my father was not that kind of man.

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She had just arrived.

She had just arrived, yes. Was there a new power or energy or something that It was pure fear.

It was pure fear, Louis.

Wow.

I've never been more scared in my life. I've never been more scared in my life. I was petrified. And I held on to that because regardless of what I felt I didn't deserve from ESP and let me go, the reality of the situation was it was the time I was living in and I had to find a way to feed my child. It's just that simple. And I was scared to death.

Wow.

To death. I mean, I really, really, really was. I had saved up money. I had saved up well over half a million dollars. And I was living off of it. You know?

You see that go down every month.

You see that go down every month and it's dwindling. And you're like, oh, you know, it was really, really, really scary. So, For me, that's what it is now. Anything that I have now is dressing. Because to me, I can give up a couple of my cribs. I can give up the cars. I can give up any of that stuff. What I can never give up is making sure that my daughters are provided for. That's my number one responsibility. Everything comes after because I'm a man and that's my responsibility.

Yeah.

And if I were to get married, even though an unmarried, I'm still like that. But if I was married, I'd be even more like that. It's my job to handle my responsibility for my wife. Now, some people be like, man, please, you got some men out there that's like, hey, man, please pay some bills. I don't think like that because anytime I see a woman pushing and struggling or whatever, I think about my mom and what my mother was forced to go through. And so for me, that is everything to me. You do what you want. I'm talking about what you have to do. I'm not talking about doing what you want. To me, if you are a man and you have a woman in your life, you have a family, she should have to pay bills. That's your job. That's just the way I am.

What would you say was the biggest fear or insecurity that you overcame or needed to overcome since after those two years until now? Was it learning how to do public speaking? Was it learning how to accept yourself and the way you looked? Was it connecting with your boys in a certain way or being perceived as someone who got injured? Was it what was the fear or insecurity you had to overcome?

Man, I would say it's layer, so I wanna touch on it. It was extremely difficult when I first started going out with my arm. It was extremely difficult, you know, because-.

Were you single at the time or did you have a girl at the time or?

No, me and my wife, you know, we've been on and off, you know. She's had more patience with you.

Yeah, yeah.

But the time you were with her or on and off with her?

Yeah, yeah, on and off. But she was always there, man. It was my immaturity.

Sure.

But my arm, it's just naturally smaller. And so when I first started going out sleeve, and I would go out and either people would shy away, which would hurt in the early years, or a person would just look.

Right?

Like, man, what is that? And very few people would ask, when I started going out with my sleeve, very few people would say, just in terms of if I'm out in an area, like if I'm at Habitat for Humanity, I'm there with the football team, so it's all good. People are gonna come over, but if I'm out solo walking through the mall, very few people would just come up and be like, Hey man, what happened? They would just look and just stare. and that was extremely difficult for me for a long time, right? Just thinking about, okay, man, like, what are they thinking?

Right?

Or it really hurt when people would just look and they would think, I'm looking, and they would shy away like that hurt, you know, early on. But I would say the biggest thing that I've had to overcome, like, public speaking, I was fearful of that. But the biggest thing, man, was running from poverty, you know, what I considered to be poverty, man, because I thought football was gonna help my family. And so when I started speaking, I started doing extremely well, you know, I have been for a while with speaking to where I would just go. And I was just trying to accept gigs, gigs, gigs.

Make as much as you can.

I was just running, right? Just trying to speak because I grew up a certain way. and I was like, man, I don't want to go back to family.

You don't want to go back to family?

Yeah, to have to grow up the way I grew up, my kids, or go back to that environment. And I love every element of it, right? I love the encounters with the people. I love the impact that it gives you. I was just running from my past. And I'll never forget, I was in a small group and a gentleman was walking around in a circle and he was like, what's something that you guys feel like in your childhood you're still dealing with or you're running from? and everybody would raise their hand and say something, and he got to me and I was like, poverty. And he was like, are you in poverty? I was like, no. He was like, well, stop running. And in its simplicity it was yet profound, but it was simple, right? And I thought about it when I got to my room, and I'll never forget Louis, I got a gig and it was one of the biggest gigs I had gotten to date. and they were about to pay me more money. How old were you when you got it?

How old were you?

I was 36 now. I was probably 30.

Okay, six years ago.

Yeah.

They're about to pay your biggest check ever.

Yeah, biggest check ever. And I was stoked. And the challenge was it fell on my wife's birthday, right? And so I'm like, man. And so, you know, you start working it out in your mind. Oh man, my wife's birthday. I started negotiating with her.

I'm negotiating with her. It's your birthday week before or week after?

I'm working it out. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So when I bring it to her, I already done worked it out. Hey babe, this gig, you know, like, I could send you and grandma to spa. I can come back right after that. We can work, I got it all figured out. I got it all figured out. And she could see how excited I was, so she was like, Oh yeah, yeah, go, sure, go. And my wife, man, my wife been at it since fifth grade, so she knows me. Go. So I go, it works out, do the gig, I send them to the spa, fly back the same day, pick her up, everything goes great on the birthday. Two days later, I think it was something about, might have been some socks or something at the house, something small. Wife blew up, right? She showed a side to me that I hadn't even seen yet, right? And I knew exactly what it was. Like it clicked immediately. I was like, that was the gig. I was like, she's blowing up. Not because she's blowing up about the gig. She felt as if I value the opportunity, the engagement, and the money over her and her birthday. That was the damage, right? Over the kids, over the family, over that moment, right? And so what I had to do was realize that, man, you got renewable and you got non-renewable moments in life, right? Renewable. You can always make some more money, right? Non-renewable my wife will never get another 30th birthday. My son will never have another 10th birthday. My daughter never have another 11th birthday. Right? And so my biggest thing that I had to overcome and destroy and grow through was that spirit and that thought process of running. from poverty. Something I encountered as a kid. And once I got to a solid space as an adult, you know, every next level of our lives demand a new version of us, right? Taking that toolkit, reconstructing it, growing to another level. So I didn't do damage by having the right intentions while doing damage. The right intention. I want my family to have a better way of life, but I'm doing damage with the right intention. because I'm not growing beyond that level and that thought process.

So how do you negotiate? What if you got a $100,000 gig on her birthday?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to say, man, sorry. Sorry, Nike. Man, I can't come and speak.

We good, go. We good, right?

We good.

Yeah, but man, just trying to communicate, you know, that's a skill that I don't think is men we always get or cultivate, you know, so, but yeah, It worked out.

Why do you think so many people hold on to their tragedies or traumas so intently in their present from something that happened two, five, 10, 20 years ago? Why do you think people hold on to it so long?

I think just the nature of the impact when it happens, right, and how it stuns their life, right? Like I had one of my friends who is a high level coach Division One coach that ended up getting fired. And great coach, man, just had a bad run, bad couple of years, and hit me up and was like, Hey, Ink, man, I need you to help me with something. He said, why am I resisting opportunities to get another head gig? It's like, I love ball. Like, why am I resisting the opportunity? Why am I fearful? And I was like, I'm not saying this is for certain, but I think for one, maybe the embarrassment of being fired and how that made you feel, how that impacted your children, how that impacted your family. Because I think painful experiences, they always come with a lot of different emotions, right? Like me talking about going out and it was hard for me with my arm when people would look at me, right? That was a bit embarrassing at first, right? And so sometimes we hold on to these different emotions that attach to the experiences that we have. So I think you got the experience and then you got the collateral damage of the experience. How it affects our mindset, how it affects the way we see people, how it affects our emotions. And I think sometimes it's challenging to separate the two and deconstruct the two. And so therefore we hold on to the feelings that the trauma I think the moment that we can grow through it and figure out a way to use it, I think the quicker we get through it. Because I think it's a powerful thing, Louis, and I think you probably know this to be true. When we use what happens to us and it creates a light bulb moment for another person, that's a great feeling. It's like when you get something for yourself for Christmas, that's awesome. It feels great. But when you do something for another person that you know is in need, like that feels 10 times better for some reason. And so I take adversity and opposition and I interconnect it the same way. When we go through things, it hurts or we figure out a way to get through it. But when we share something and we identify with another person to let them know that, because oftentimes when people go through stuff, you feel alone, you feel isolated and you feel like, man, like, is something wrong with me? and I think what happens when we go through and we create a level of empathy, we show them that, nah man, you're human. Like we all go through things. Like nobody is perfect. Like I told a guy that had a brachial plexus injury, he's like, man, I see how you got through it. Like it hasn't been that easy for me. I was like, no bro, it took work. It took years. Like this was painful. I went through every emotion that you're probably going through and I had a lot of people to help me with them. and so I feel like sometimes it's just the feelings that are attached and interconnected to the experiences that we have that creates the reason that we hold on to it for so long.

What often happens when we get hooked, imprisoned by our thoughts, emotions, stories is we over identify with it and so we start saying things like, I am sad. Okay, if we just think about the language, it's so normal. Of course we say that. I am sad. I am angry. But I am sad. What are we doing? We are saying, I am. All of me, 100% of me, is sad. There's no space for wisdom, values, intention.

Calm.

Like there's so much inside all of us that is beyond that difficult emotion. But when we say, I am, we are literally defining ourselves with it.

So it's not using the words I am, it's maybe something else.

You could say, well, if we say I am sad, or even I am being undermined, I am being undermined again, you are creating a prison. I am, this is fact, I am being undermined, all of me is being undermined. So I've got no choice but to shut down in the conversation. So one of the ways that we can start defusing is recognizing that when we label our thoughts, emotions and stories with an I am and then the word.

It's a big statement.

It's like, it's almost like there is a cloud and you have become the cloud. And the cloud is the sad cloud.

As opposed to I feel sadness.

Correct. Correct. So, so the, the power here is exactly that. It's the language.

How you use the language.

How we language. How we language. matters. Words matter.

Absolutely.

So what we can start doing is it's so simple. You can do it in a meeting. You can do it in a conversation with someone else. You can just start noticing your thoughts and stories for what they are. Their thoughts and stories. So instead of I am sad, I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad. I'm being undermined. I'm noticing the thought that I'm being undermined. I'm not good enough. I'm noticing that this is my I'm not good enough story.

This is coming up for me.

This is coming up for me. So when you start noticing your thoughts, emotions, stories for what they are, what you are actually doing in effect is you're moving from being the cloud, I am the sad cloud, into recognizing, and for everyone listening right now, you are not the cloud. You are the sky.

Ooh.

You know, you are not the cloud, you are the sky.

Wow.

And, And there is a cloud. There is a cloud.

In the sky.

You are the sky.

Wow.

You are human and messy and capacious and beautiful and real and authentic and you, enough to have all of your difficult thoughts, emotions and stories and to still be the sky. To still be the you.

That's powerful. Susan, I want to acknowledge you for your decades of research and work on what I think is the thing that either holds us back or propels us forward in a big way. And a lot of people are prisoners of their emotion. I feel like there's so many free people in the world who aren't in prison, but we put ourselves in an emotional prison that holds us back from peace, joy, love, intimacy, creating the life we want. And we are sickened internally, which manifests physically or in relational or in whatever by these emotions sometimes. And so I'm so grateful for you for creating tools, strategies for people to upgrade their tools and strategies that weren't working for them so they can have a more harmonious life while not blocking emotions. feeling the range of them, but not being a captive and a prisoner to them. So I really acknowledge you for your consistent dedication to this.

Thank you, and thank you for helping us to get these words out.

Of course, of course. I asked you this last time, I think it was like four years ago when you were on last time. So when I ask you this question, it's called the Three Truths. So imagine a hypothetical scenario. You live as long as you want to live, but it's your last day. hypothetically, you accomplish everything you want to accomplish. You live your life the way you want to do it. But for whatever reason, you have to take all of your work with you. So all of your messages, this conversation, your book, it's for whatever reason gone. It's not available anymore. But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world. Three things you know to be true from your life, your experiences, your wisdom. What would you say are those three truths for you? Before the interview continues, if you feel like you're not living your authentic life, not leaning into your purpose and not living the life that your future self would be extremely proud of. I've written a new book called the Greatness Mindset and I think you're gonna love this. Through powerful stories, science-backed strategies and step-by-step guidance, the Greatness Mindset will help you overcome all the different challenges in your life to design the life of your dreams and then turn it into your reality. Make sure to click the link below in the description to get your copy today. Okay, let's get back to this video.

I would love to capture the three truths in things that feel practical for people. I think one of the truths is that for every person listening, it doesn't matter if you're 30 or 40 or 50, for every person listening, there is a child inside of you. There is a five-year-old and that five-year-old is tugging at your sleeve and that five-year-old is saying, see me, love me, hear me, connect with me. So I think one of the truths is going to be to turn and face your five-year-old child and ask your five-year-old what it needs. Does it need spontaneity? Does it need creativity?

Healing. Yeah.

One of, one of the truths, I think, is that when we hold our child inside of us with gentleness. And we also recognize that there is, however old you are now, whether it's 30 or 40 or 50, there's someone 20 years. So there's. I'm 50, so there's a 70 year old me. There's also a 70 year old looking back and saying, see me, love me, do what's important. And so I think one of the truths is that we are not alone in the world. Even if we feel alone, we've got a child inside of us and we've got an older version inside of us.

That's so true.

And that if we walk the journey with both of those people holding our hands, we have an infinite source of grounding and wisdom. So I think that for me is... That's so beautiful. Is one of the truths.

That's beautiful.

I think another truth is that there is a mythology that being compassionate towards yourself is about being weak and lazy. It's like letting yourself off the hook. It's about lying to yourself. And when we think about a little child in a restaurant running away from its parents and looking back to make sure that the parents are there, it's the knowledge that the child has that his parents are there, that if something goes wrong, that they'll step in. It's that knowledge that actually allows the child to explore the restaurant and to learn and grow. And so I think a second truth is that self-compassion is doing for ourselves what we see with that child and the parents. And what I mean by that is it's when you are kind to yourself, that you actually, it's when you have your own back. that you are actually more likely to take risks to learn, to grow and be vulnerable. And so I think a truth is the truth that self-compassion is the cornerstone to thriving and resilience. And then I think that the third truth is a difficult truth. which is before my father died. It was, I was five years old and my father died 10 years later when, when I was 15. And when I was little, I would go into my father and my mom's bedroom. And at five years old, a lot of kids become aware of their own mortality. So they start to recognize that one day their parents won't be there. And I would find my way into my parents. night after night after night after night after night after night much to their dismay. And I would cry and I would say to my dad, Daddy, promise me you'll never die.

Oh, man.

And this was 10 years before my dad was diagnosed with cancer. 10 years. And I used to say, Daddy, promise me you'll never die. Daddy, promise me you'll never die. And my father could have done the forced false positivity. Just be grateful for the time we've got together. he could have done that, but he chose not to. He could have buffered me from the truth, but he chose not to. And what he said to me is, Susie, we all die. It's normal to be scared. And it was what I understood as a truth of the way that he was guiding me through those long, dark nights is he was saying to me that courage is not an absence of fear. Courage is fear walking. Courage is about being able to hold your fear, your change, your concern, your sadness, your whatever it is in one hand and to move forward with your values in the other. Courage is not the absence of fear and I think For me it was very powerful because in a world that tells us to do away with fear, in a world that says, oh, you know, even in a pandemic look for the silver lining, never mind we're in the shadow of illness and death, there is actually profound resilience by being able to walk into the future holding both, holding both your fear and holding your courage, because that is what life is asking of us every day. Life is saying, are you agile? And it's. And it's born of a correspondence with your own heart.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important and if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you more.

Forward.

And I want to remind you of no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great. What's up, podcast listeners? It's tanks, host of the it's me, tanks podcast. Join me weekly on it's me, tanks as I dive into topics like relationships, why it's okay to feel lonely, fighting summer comparison and pop culture's hottest takes. I don't shy away from getting candid about my personal experiences, and I want to share all the advice I have learned with you. I'm even joined by some of my friends, like Claudia Ashray, Connor Wood, and Amanda Hirsch each Friday for our new office hours episodes. You can listen to it's me tanks every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, wherever you listen to podcasts. And don't forget to follow the show so you don't miss an episode. Prices keep going up these days.

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