The SECRET to Finding Your Purpose EP 1451
9 Jun 2023 · 74 min
Lewis Howes talks with Jessica Matthews, Michael Strahan, Devin Rodriguez, and Lisa Bilyeu about finding purpose, grief, and self-love. They explore the tension between logic and magic in life decisions and share personal stories about success and peace.
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You should be satisfied. You should wake up feeling satisfied with your life. It doesn't mean that you don't want the next thing. Of course you want the next thing. If life were to end today, would you want to have lived an unsatisfied life?
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It's going to be powerful, so let's.
Go ahead and dive in.
What are your thoughts on the idea of never be satisfied?
You know what? I understand why somebody would say that. You should always be hungry. You should always be chasing. That's a good motivator to get the next thing so that you wake up and you want to go get it. But that's a terrible way to live. I vehemently disagree with the concept that you should never be satisfied. It's like, you should be satisfied. You should be satisfied. You should wake up feeling satisfied with your life. It doesn't mean that you don't want the next thing. Of course you want the next thing. But like, if life were to end today, would you want to have lived an unsatisfied life?
No.
Would you want, like, I think I really do think of Peter at those last days, you know, and think about all the things that he was unsatisfied about. I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for you. I don't think any of us should live that way. So be satisfied. You know, and that doesn't mean lesser than.
Be satisfied even if you're just starting out as an assistant getting coffee. If you're the CEO, if you're anywhere in between, if you're in an off season.
Yes. Be satisfied. Be satisfied with how wonderful you have it. You know, even the least of us, even the people who are like, you know, in this terrible place, like I said, We can be satisfied. Like the day after Peter died, actually, no. It was a few days later because we were having his funeral. He died on December 11, 2013. It was four days before his 44th birthday. And so on his 44th birthday, December 15, we had his funeral and made it a party. And I was sitting there and, you know, kind of in a haze, but then also, you know, that moment of clarity. where I'm looking around the room and his fraternity brothers are drinking beers and they're sharing stories about him. And my daughter's sleeping on my mom's lap and I've got my sisters in the corner trying to busy themselves, getting out plates of food and whatnot and see people connecting. And it was the oddest thought. I looked around and I was just like, wow. This is a good group of people. This is a great place to be, to have this. And so I was satisfied in that moment. The most terrible thing had happened in my life. But I was looking around and feeling very satisfied with who I had around me. And that, I think, is what I would like for all of us to consider. That even when things are bad and going wrong, you can still be satisfied. You can still feel like, this is it. And it is okay.
I'm a big fan of the title of the book, the Urgent Life. And when I saw this, I was just thinking to myself, yes, right away, because we have similar, completely different experiences, but similar feelings probably from experiences we've had. My father got in an accident. He had a traumatic brain injury and was in a coma for three months when I was 21. And I remember we didn't know if he was going to live or die. But he eventually woke up after three months. And he was a completely different person. He was physically alive, but emotionally and mentally kind of gone. It took him a while to learn how to talk again. he wasn't able to work anymore, he had amnesia, so when I'd see him, I'd be like, what's your name again? It was just a different type of relationship, right? I had to learn to love my father for who he was and start to grieve the man that he once was before, right? And I remember thinking he was in his early 50s when this happened. He had worked so hard for 30 years as a life insurance salesman where he finally was starting to make money where he could travel and have some freedom in his life. and he was starting to feel like he was happy for the first time, fully happy. And then this accident happened. And I remember being really angry at life that my dad didn't get to go live the rest of his life the way he wanted to.
And I felt like I had so.
Much urgency to go pursue everything I wanted. Like from that moment on, I was like, I'm not gonna let any fear or insecurity hold me back. It might still be there, but I'm at least going to take the actions on my goals, my dreams, and live urgently because what if this happens to me? What if I get in a car accident tomorrow? And something like that happens to me, I'd be sad that I didn't at least go try. And this, again, completely different experience you had, but it created a feeling of urgency in your life with your ex-husband, right? With your husband. Which was almost 10 years ago.
Yeah.
Is that right?
Yeah.
10 years ago, this December.
And can you explain the story about what had happened with your husband around wanting to get divorced and then cancer situation and how this, how being in a very dark, sad, challenging time, sad time, wanted you to create urgency at the same time and live into your best self during sadness. Can you explain a little bit about that?
Well, first of all, I really appreciate what you just said and shared about your dad, you know, because I feel that for all of us who are living this life on this like hurdling rock that we call home, we don't always have to have had the same experience to understand essentially the concept of what I'm talking about.
Right.
You know, this need for urgency. And it's not necessarily about the rush through life, it's about the intention. Knowing, like you said, I want to do these things because what if? So then you're intentional about saying, okay, I want to live a big life, or I want to go do this thing that I'm dreaming of, or I want to push a little harder because what if? And the same thing for me in that, I don't think of the end of life in this morbid way where I'm just like, oh, today might be my last day. I'll think of it in a morbid way. It's very inspiring to me, actually. It makes me want to get up and go do the thing. And again, it's not about a rush. It's like, I want to make the best use of my time that I have. I don't know how long it is, but I want to make the best use of it. And I'm also conscious of the fact that I won't do everything. And so that means that I have to be very intentional about the things I choose to do. Because if you walk around thinking like, oh, I have the time, I'll just do everything at some point, Then maybe you don't get to do anything at all. So I'm intentional in knowing that like, oh, okay, I might not get a chance to complete everything, so what's the most important thing? And then I want to do those things. And so at the time in December of 2013 when Peter passed away, we were there, you know, where the stories are true. You're sitting at the deathbed and you're talking about all the things you wish you'd done.
Is that what he was saying?
Oh, yeah. We talked about so much.
Oh, man.
The things he wanted to do, his hopes and dreams, what he wants for Lael, our daughter, like what he wanted for her in the future. You know, all of those things. And I was sitting there listening and thinking and crying and making promises and all of the things, and knowing that I need to change the way I live. You know, he wouldn't have a chance to do it over. So I need to do it, you know? And it was such a dark time also because we were already going through so much on top of being at death's door. You know, that like our marriage had fallen apart. We had been separated for a couple of years already through so much-- oh, gosh. Additional traumas that happened to us, misunderstandings, anger, you know, that we couldn't overcome with just love.
Unmet expectations, everything, yeah.
Oh man, you think love conquers everything and love is not enough.
Love is not enough.
Love is not enough. You know, love is not enough. And it was all of that turmoil that led us to that moment where I am sitting holding his hand and his breath gets shallower and shallower, you know, and thinking about all the things I would have done differently if I had a shot to do it again. You know, it's not necessarily that like, oh, I wish life had turned out differently. It's just that I wish I had been motivated differently.
What were you motivated by before then?
Oh, man. I think at that time I was motivated by just my own need for my own life, you know, not really focused on anybody else's. And that sounds very selfish, but that's where I was. You know, it was not, I was a mother and a wife, but I was still only focused on myself.
Really?
Yeah.
At that time. Yeah. I mean, it's like, you know, there was so much that had happened on my path to motherhood. And it's another one of the things that, like, you know, now I talk about so openly because we also paint motherhood like it's supposed to be like this great, amazing thing that like, oh, you get pregnant, and then all of a sudden, it's like, oh, all this love shows up from nowhere, and you're just like encapsulated by this person. It's like, no, that actually doesn't happen all of the time.
Moments of that might happen.
Moments of that might happen, but it's.
Not-- the majority of the time is probably like cleaning diapers and feeding and.
Pumping and all the things.
'Cause a mom's out there.
And sitting there and being like, oh hell, I made a mistake. This is not what I wanted in.
My life, you know?
And struggling with that. And there were so many times where I thought about that. It was like, wow, like, you know, is this life what I actually wanted? And so then at that moment in December of 2013, I was like, oh no, I have to make the life that I want. I have to make it. I have to be an active participant.
What was the biggest lesson during that time you feel like you learned? about his regrets, about him not doing the things that he wanted to do. What opened up for you during that time that shifted if anything did shift for you in that?
This might sound funny, but I think logic is what surprised me most. The logic of things. The writing down, it's almost like the writing down of the plan. Things that make sense, 'cause you're like, oh, I'm gonna do these things. logically gonna take these steps in order to get to that thing, right? And all of his regrets, everything that he wanted to do that he didn't get a chance to do was based on the logic of the steps to get to that thing that he never got to. Like just scheduling it in the calendar.
Or like, yeah, making the to-do list and then yeah.
And then it's like, oh, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that. And then all based on logic. Life is not made of logic.
Life is magic.
It's the accidental encounters. It's the things that you can't explain. the feeling that you get in your belly that makes you feel alive and glittery, or it makes you super sad and you don't want to get out of bed and the sky just looks gray, and then maybe one thing happens, you're like, oh, okay, I can do it. You know, that's life. And being open to that is actually what gives you the experiences. So therefore, when perhaps you don't accomplish everything that was on your plan, you still feel really happy about the things that you did do, because it was also magical. You know, and I'm not talking about like these big firework things. I'm talking about the little stuff too. You know, the new person that you meet on the way to somewhere, you know, or like the meal that you had that you didn't think was going to be delicious, that you just really savored.
You know what I'm saying?
It was just magically amazing, you know? And just being appreciative of those moments. So again, it's like the life is not just about like the big, big, big stuff. It's not the headlines. you know, so to me it's like logic is what I then threw out the window.
Interesting.
As a whole, I'm not gonna live a logical life. I'm gonna live a magical life. The kind that is open to all of the things I can't explain. You know that like the writing down of the list and the making the stabs, ah, you know, and I'm not saying that you walk around just like, huh, na na na dog, whatever happens today is what happens, you know, like look, we all gotta be responsible, okay? But the truth of the matter is that like how many of our plans have been stopped because of logic. The things that you said like, ah, well, shoot, I can't do that because of this reason, that reason, and that reason. And sometimes it's other people's logic that actually stops you from doing things you want to do. And so I want to stop that. I've been active in being like every time I approach a new ambition or a new idea or like, oh, I want to take a trip here and that logic starts to come in, I'm like, girl, where's that magic? You better just step out and let the magic find you.
Ooh, yeah.
You don't and not stop yourself because the math is mathing.
Right. It doesn't make sense logically.
It doesn't make sense logically.
Allow wonder and synchronicity to enter your life.
To happen. Lewis, I can't tell you how many things have happened in my life that don't make sense.
Right.
The fact that I've had the career I've had doesn't make sense. It's not logical. There's no stat. Even when you look at things like, oh, you know, how many black women CMOs have had jobs, you know, four, like Fortune 50 companies, there's no math. There is no data point that it doesn't exist. But I exist. So can you explain that? No, you cannot. So opening yourself up to like these things is what actually creates your destiny to like run the way that it should, you know? I'll give you one example. When Peter died in December of 2013, I was at PepsiCo. I'd been there for 10 years. Wow. It was a great job, you know? I'd done many iterations of things and at that time, I was the head of music and entertainment marketing. And so I had been part of the team that did the deal with the NFL for the Super Bowl halftime show. I put Beyonce on that stage. Like it was like, you know?
It was huge.
It was huge. Great, exciting career. And then Peter died. And I looked around and I was like, man, I think I want to do more things. Am I going to sit here for another 10 years in New York City doing this or have I had enough of this? And as I formulated that thought, I went to, I think it was NBA All-Star or something like that. and I met somebody that I knew very lightly who told me that Jimmy Iovine and Dr. Dre had started their company Beats Music off of the back of Beats by Dre, and that they were looking for a head of marketing. Would I be interested? And the job was in LA. My husband had been dead maybe two months. I had a four-year-old child that I was trying to figure out how to raise by myself. You know, like all these things. And so logic would tell you, Then no, sit your down. You know what I mean? Situate your life. Figure out how to be a widow and a single mom and the main breadwinner. Figure that stuff out. Calm down. Get some therapy. Just sit and be quiet for a second.
Grieve.
Let a year go by and then figure out what you want to do. But instead, I was like, it really doesn't make any sense for me to leave Pepsi, a long established company, and go to Beats Music where it's barely a company.
Some new thing, yeah.
I didn't know what music streaming was. I had no idea what the f*ck that was. I had no idea. And, but I came and came to LA and took a meeting with Jimmy and he was talking about stuff that I had no idea about. And when I resigned from PepsiCo to take the job, everybody told me it was a bad idea. who was when I tell you there was not one person who supported it. Not even my mother. Wow. No one. Everybody thought I'd lost my mind. People thought I was acting out of grief. Maybe I was, you know? But the magic was that that opportunity opened up the next 10 years of my life. Yeah. It was the magic, the spark that I needed.
Where do you see yourself growing from?
Next level.
I think that when I started this journey in my life of trying to make wisdom go viral and to share ideas and help people train their mind for peace and purpose every day, there was a certain speed and pace that allowed me to figure out what I needed to do every 12 months. And now I feel like I'm moving away from thinking about the next 12 months. to thinking about the next 12 years and thinking about the next 20 years and thinking about the next 30 years. And so I feel like I'm at an evolution and growth in my own life where a change of pace will be what I'm looking for. Because I found that up until now, I felt like I had to do lots of little things all the time to be able to establish what I'm doing today. And now I realize it's actually going to take fewer, bigger things. that you can only get to if you've done this step before. But now I realize that that's what it's gonna take.
And so-- and what about the, you know, you've been studying this for the last few years and teaching deeper insights on love, practicing it, writing about it, speaking about it on stage, in podcasts, things like that. Where do you see yourself growing in love with friends, family, your marriage and with yourself moving forward after this work.
Yeah.
So what I found was, as I was doing this work, I realized that often the blocks to love are not because you don't have the deep intention to love people, but it's that you are putting yourself under so much stress and pressure that you're too agitated and irritated to be present and actually share love. So I saw this study that talked about how you think you don't wake up early the next morning even though you wanted to because you're bad at waking up early. But the truth is it's because you're actually experiencing stress and when you're experiencing stress you can't implement a new habit. And so reducing stress allows you to be the person you want to be. If you think about when you say something you don't want to say, it's because you're irritated.
Reactive.
Yeah, when you do something you don't want to do, it's because you're stressed.
You know that old saying?
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When you react to someone in a way that you don't think is yourself, it's because you're agitated. So, we act in unloving ways because we are putting ourselves under stress, irritation, agitation, or pressure. And so, for me, what I've realized that if I want to be my best loving self and be present with each and every person and be conscious of that energy, I have to learn to not put myself under so much stress that I can't be present. So, that's been a big lesson of love that You can't love while you're putting yourself under stress or pressure in any way.
And it goes back to your kind of theme about peace and purpose every day. I don't think you can fully give your authentic heart without being peace.
Yes.
Without being in a state of peace. And I understand life happens and stresses happen, but creating a baseline going back to peace so you can be present.
Yeah.
When we're not in peace, when we're stressed, you're in scarcity mode, you're in fight or flight, you're not present with your friends or family, your loved ones, or just acquaintances. You're reactive.
Totally.
And people don't feel loved when you're not present.
Yes, exactly.
When you're not looking them in the eyes or just listening to them and being in a good state of being when you're around them.
Yeah.
The other one that came to mind when you said that as you're speaking is Russell Barkley said, that the people who need the most love ask for it in the most unloving ways. And so true. The commitment I've made to myself is I no longer want to ask for love in unloving ways. I no longer want to be snappy to feel loved. I no longer want to be demanding to experience love. I no longer want to make someone else feel a passive aggressive comment to feel love. I want to communicate about the type of love I need in an open and honest way, rather than trying to hope that someone else is gonna figure it out because I'm sending subliminal messages or I'm being distant or I'm avoiding them. And so that was something deeply that I learned was that we just constantly keep asking even the people that love us the most we keep requesting and demanding love in the most unloving ways.
Yes.
And if we can free ourselves of that, you can actually make a relationship really special and beautiful. And so we have to let go of that.
Yeah. People who've come on, who have done great things and done it over a short period of time or gotten notoriety or gotten, you know, well known or different things or had a big exit when they didn't have money, essentially five years ago, you weren't You weren't on the map. You didn't have a big audience. You didn't have a lot of money. You didn't have the New York Times best sellers. You didn't have all these things. I'm curious, before all that started, on a scale of one to 10, the peace and self-love scale, let's call it, 10 being you had total peace and love for yourself and love for the people around you, and you were present all the time, one being you hated yourself. Where were you before we met? And then where are you today after success?
Yeah, that's a great question. I'd have to say that I was probably at a seven or eight before, to be honest, because even though my work's been noticed, publicly in the last five years or six years, there was a whole 10 to 11 years before that where I literally did this for whoever showed up.
Five people.
Literally, so like when I was 18 and of course in my first book I tell the story of how I met monks, I would have, I had a society at university called Think Out Loud. And what it was was a community where I would put out flyers and posters myself and whoever wanted to come from my university would attend. And it was called Think Out Loud. I would dissect a movie based on philosophy, psychology, and spirituality. So I would take a movie like Inception and I would break it down. I'd take a movie like Notebook and break it down. I'd take a movie like the Butterfly Effect, Good Will Hunting. Like, I'd take these incredible movies and I'd do these sessions. They'd be absolutely free. And I did it for the first year and five to ten people came. Second year, maybe 25 people came. Third year, there were sometimes 100 people were in the room. And I was just doing it because I loved it. Then I became a monk. When I came back, I did the same thing in the corporate world. I had a event in London called conscious living. It was on a Friday night. Literally five to ten people would show up once a month, but it would make me so happy to spend hours with them afterwards. I would literally do a session. I'd serve everyone food because we'd always sit down to break bread. And then we'd sit down for two, three hours and I would just answer people's questions and sit with them. And I didn't have any followers, I didn't have any platforms, I didn't have any audience, but I loved it. And so I was already living the dream, in my opinion, because I was getting to do what I love on top of having a day job. And to me, that felt realistic. When I look at my happiness and.
Joy now, Scale of 1 to 10 and like the, yeah.
I'd say, to be honest, there's days when it's a nine and there's days when it's a five.
Really?
Yeah.
It oscillates and it's because- why is that? Well, I think it's because I've taken on so much more now to think about, to be in charge of, to lead. You have other people that you're responsible for. You have teams of all of these people that rely on you to do what you do best and take care of them and connect, and they're trying to help you out and build with you. And so the responsibility scale level is so much higher now. And so it's not that I don't feel peaceful in my purpose, but it's that you do deal with daily stress, daily challenges, daily pressure in a way that I didn't before because it was just about me.
It's just so fascinating because pretty much everyone asks says something similar.
No way.
Where this like they were peaceful. They loved them. They had more confidence before. It's not so, you know, more confidence, but on the scale of, like, inner peace and self-love and fulfillment, it was like almost less on every scale because of the weight, the pressure, the man. Just so much more going on and needing to navigate. Yeah. A lot more going on in life, as opposed to more of a simple, peaceful life.
But one thing I've understood, though, with that point is that the reason why that that translate is that discomfort is where you grow.
That's it.
And that's what I realized.
You can't stay comfortable.
You can't. And so, I find that a lot of my life today, I often say to people, I think 75% of my working week is in my discomfort zone. And so, I really crave comfort in my relationships. I crave comfort on my weekends. Exactly. Yeah, great relationships with you, of course, and we have a good group of friends and I have good relationship my wife. And like, so I rely on my personal relationships to have some comfort and some stability as I take on discomfort in my service and purpose. And so I think that makes sense. And so I think you also just get better at understanding what growth looks like and what you need. I think if I just sat and lived that life forever, I don't think it would have stabilized. I don't think I would have stayed at a seven or an eight. That would have probably come down as well, but for different reasons. And so the reason that now it comes down are actually positive healthy reasons or can be managed in a healthy way.
Yes. If you have something inside of you, an idea inside of you, a seed, and bringing it to life as a business can be the same thing as bringing a child into life. It's an idea, a seed, a thought that you want to create. So it's a creation either way.
Yes, and look, I am all for biology. I think that's very powerful. awful. But there are those moments, right? Those intuitions. Like, when you have a baby, there's, like, in the woman's intuition. Like, we're giving so many things in order to be able to protect the baby. And yet with business, like, I have learned to start to listen to my intuition just the same. It's like, I think intuition has to be trained. I don't think it's just like, oh, you've got intuitions. Fine. You're amazing. You know everything. It's like, no, no. We learn intuition as we get older. That look, that one time, that One person gave me a look and did bad.
Your body remembers that.
Yeah, of course.
So, what would you say is the biggest insecurity or fear you still are faced with today?
Really starting anything new. I mean, that's never, you know, even writing this book, it's like, I don't know how to write a book. And even getting interviewed, right? It's like, I don't know how to be interviewed about a book. So it's not so much insecurity now in the sense of I don't feel petrified. But like, I know I'm not equipped. And so is that an insecurity? Sure, but it's a valid insecurity because I've never done a book before. So anytime I feel that, like, what that fear of like, oh, you're about to enter a space that you don't know, I just reassure myself. It's like, oh, it's day one. It's day one. Give yourself the grace to know anything you try is day one. We do it at college, right? I bet you did it practice. Like the first time you picked up a football, you weren't thinking that you were going to be the best best quarterback in the world, right? It's like, oh, I've got to learn how to freaking throw the ball. So that's what I do. Just day one, anytime I feel the fear over anything new, Lewis, anything, I have these mantras, I have these tactics, I have these tools, everything I put in the book, it's like, okay, Lisa, you've got radical confidence. Radical confidence means that even with the fear, you're going to move forward, but you need to practice. You have to go in with a mindset that you're going to learn. and have a game plan. And then when you fall on your face, get back up. Like that is my superpower. I wish I could be amazing at things, but I'm not. So I remind myself my superpower is I'm the person that gets back up.
Yeah.
And that's encouraging.
That's beautiful. And what about around money? How has your mindset shifted? Do you feel like you have created more confidence or more self-love or more belief in yourself as the money started to come for both you and Tom in your life where you really didn't have a lot beforehand. You had some, you were working or he was working, but it wasn't like the amount of wealth that you guys created with Quest and impact theory and everything you guys have built together. How did the accumulation of wealth change your beliefs about yourself?
Oh, that's such a big question. That's such a good question. Okay.
You went from an apartment, I'm assuming, to a house, to a bigger house, to, you know, number in your bank account going way up, to being able to buy things now, lots of great things.
Yeah.
How did that shift?
So I really thought when we're successful, when we're rich, I'm gonna feel like everything's gonna be okay. Because you look at successful, wealthy people, and you're like, you, at least for me, can't speak for other people, I admire them. Oh my God, look at that watch. Look at that thing, right? Like, oh my God, I'm gonna feel great when I have it. So because you think that about that person, you think that's how you're gonna feel when you get there. So I'm gonna take you back. Quest is announced as a billion dollar company, but we all know until you actually make any sales- you- don't make any money.
You're just getting a salary and some bonuses, yeah.
Tom and I were still sharing the same Ford Focus with a hole in the exhaust when Quest was announced as a billion dollar company. So everyone thinks you're wealthy, but we literally had you know, Tom's salary and that was it. So we go to sell a very small portion of quest. And so this, these things take months and months.
Right, right.
How much did you guys, what was the percentage?
I think it was like nine percent at the beginning that you guys had total. So there's three business partners, Tom and then the other.
They split it three ways.
Yes, exactly. So we split like nine percent or something.
11.
I can't remember how much. This was a while ago. So. small percent. So you're still taking massive ownership over it, but it was still a hell of a lot of money. Absolutely. So now that sort of thing takes months and months and months. So we didn't want to talk about it. We didn't tell anybody that we were trying to sell a bit because you never know what's going to happen.
So one day we hear rumors that today is going to be the day that the money comes in.
Yes. Like there's a wire transfer of this much money. Our Ford Focus is still sitting in the drive. Right. And we hear these rumors from finances that the money's about to come in. So we're working in our makeshift garage gym and in between reps, Tom's like, all right babe, refresh, refresh. No, nothing yet. So we're going to do a bit of refresh, refresh, and literally one button, refresh, boom, your life changes.
Wow.
And in that moment, I was like, oh my god! And so we hugged, we took a couple of selfies and then what did we do, Louis? We got back up and went back to work.
Yeah.
And in that moment, because at first of all, I was like, Babe, where you going? We've got to settle. He goes, We've got to get back to work. Our mission isn't done. I was like, you,'re right. And in that moment, it was such a beautiful realization because we had had a mission. So we were chasing money. We said, Stop chasing money. Now let's chase something that's actually predicated on passion, desire, and value add. That was Quest Nutrition. So we flipped our mindsets. We stopped chasing money. And in the effort of stop chasing money, it led to us creating money. But because of we'd already developed a mission, we'd already developed our why. We knew why we were getting out of bed every day. That didn't change just because our bank account did. Now look, I'm not going to pretend it was amazing. We didn't tell anybody and about two days later or something, we went shopping.
And it was like, get whatever you want. Yes.
So it was like, That's amazing. I'm never gonna BS anyone. It was a dream come true. It was wonderful. But it didn't change how I felt about myself. It didn't change my mission.
Did you believe you were deserving and worthy of the money?
I don't really think like that. I don't really know what that means because when it says deserving, there are people out there that have a harder life than I do, that work harder to provide for their family than I do. So it's hard for me to say deserve we work freaking hard for it, we sacrificed. So do I think that it was, you know, well placed maybe? Sure. You know, it's hard for me to kind of answer that. It really did become a, when you get what you think you want, when you go to bed at night, how do you feel about yourself? And it was the same. It was just in more expensive bedsheets.
Right. You know, and it's- the nicer card.
Yeah.
The negative voice is still there. The person saying that you're not good, it's still there. The imposter syndrome is still there. It's just in a nicer house.
So you still felt like an imposter?
Oh, my God, of course.
Yeah.
What was the imposter voice?
I still felt like I was helping my husband out.
What year was this?
2015.
Okay, so about seven years ago.
Yeah.
So. So what was the voice in your head at that time when this massive number hits the bank account? What is that? imposter voice saying to you, even though.
At this point I had, you know, I was, had 40 employees underneath me, 10, 000 square foot, literally went from shipping bars in my, on my living room floor to that. And then past this imposter syndrome was, is that my husband and his business partners earned the money, and I was a good help.
So that's what you were saying to yourself.
Yeah. And so even that, like, took work and, you know, internal work and, you know, like, the value, what value do you bring to the table? Just because your name is on that piece of paper as like, you know, a founder, because those three were, it's like you've brought, you know, to really coach myself through, but you've sacrificed. You've given every hour of every day. Literally, I was working 12-13 hours a day. So to really believe in myself that I had earned that was very hard, but it was important for me to do. And then the idea of in the grind when things are hard and you're asking yourself, what the hell are we doing this all for? Like, why? Tom and I would drive around Beverly Hills in our crappy car and we would like point out all the houses we would buy and we were like, I like this style. No, no, no, I like this style. And then eventually the money comes to our account and we actually can buy the house that we're like, the roads that we're touring. So it's like the biggest dream come true. And in that moment, it was like, I wanted a waterfall. so I'm a 90s chick. I love hip-hop and I love 90s. And so I was like always joking but really serious. I was like babe, I want to do like our own version of a 90s hip-hop music video. I want a waterfall, I want Don Perignon bottle, like I want to pour it down me in a sexy outfit. I want you to film me. Like that was the dream. I have to emotionally tie to a dream. It can't just be like a house. It has to be like the feeling of getting the house. so I had this vision, we finally get the house, it finally has a freaking waterfall dude, we get the keys, we got a bottle of Dom Perignon, Tom's got a photo, he's taking photo of me, I'm taking a swig of the champagne and that was the moment my health and my gut felt like it ex, you know, obviously I've had health issues, that was the moment, that same moment that we were celebrating the biggest achievement of our life.
Really?
It's so cliche.
Why was that the moment, do you think?
So I think I'd had 15 years of gut issues. I was ignoring them, ignoring them, ignoring them. I was priding myself on the grind. I wasn't priding myself on the self-care. So for years and years, I was getting sicker and sicker because I wasn't replenishing my gut. I had a very unhealthy relationship with food. So I wasn't having fat. I wasn't eating carbs. I thought I had to be as skinny as possible. So all this unhealthy relationship relationship. I was getting sick because I was working a lot. I wasn't replenishing. And so I was getting a lot of antibiotics. And so for, like, years and years and years, I was taking three to four, five times a year antibiotics. And I really think it got to the point where I'd push myself into the ground and the bubbly and the alcohol. I think it was just that moment.
Wow.
And I think. And it literally, from them, it felt like it I didn't tell Tom because of course I'm trying to be strong. Sure. So I'm like, babe, I'll be back in a second. I run to the bathroom and I literally cannot get. I'm like, what the hell is happening to me? My gut is in, like, so such disarray. But my husband's so excited for. So, of course. Of course. What do I tell myself? Just push through it, right? Don't tell him. Push through. It's a celebration. And I was like, all right, if I just get straight into this, the swimming pool, then I'll be able to hide my pain. Oh, man. so I get out, I'm like trying to pretend I'm rushing to the swimming pool and just the water pressure was too unbearable. And that's when I'm like babe, I don't know what's wrong. That was six years ago. Six years ago. I'm still on my journey of healing my gut. Just to give perspective to everybody. For a whole year I couldn't eat more than like four or five ingredients. It was like beef, Salt, coconut oil and chicken. I was 20 pounds lighter than I am now.
Wow.
My hair was falling out, my nails were brittle and you want to talk about my relationship with my husband? I started feeling like I wasn't sexy. I could barely hug him, never known any intimacy. You've got to understand what that does to a woman's emotions, how I felt about myself. Tom was so supportive that I felt like I wasn't bringing You know, beauty to our relationship. That was me, that wasn't him. Sex was out the window. And it was like, I couldn't even stand up at five minutes at a time. And on the outside, we had like just literally were celebrating Quest being a billion dollar company and one of the most fastest growing nutrition companies in the world. And here I am, I can't even.
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I pretended I didn't tell anybody. For months, I didn't tell anyone. So sorry, I know that was a long story, but really going back to your point of, I remember the day that my success changed. And that was the most beautiful lesson that I like if I can look back, right? Like we think it was Tony Robbins, but I use all the time. How can I make the most horrific thing be the best thing that's ever happened to me?
Yeah.
In that moment, I was giving it meaning.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And in that moment, I was tested and it was like, you can't. I mean, like I said, I'm still shocked, six years later. And but how can that moment be the best thing that's ever happened to me? Number one, I took ownership. I did it to my gut. I was the one that had a bad relationship with food. I was the one that was taking the antibiotics. And for so long, I was like, it's the doctor's fault. It's the expert's fault. It's that person's fault. Taking ownership over my health changed everything, not just for my health, but in the way that I see business, in the way that I see my relationship. Now, every time something goes wrong, the very first thing I ask myself is, how can I take ownership over this? How was this my own doing. So that changed my whole health, that changed my business. Every time now something goes wrong in the business, whether it's an employee that has royally screwed up, I literally, before I say anything, it's like, what's my ownership in this?
Yeah, yeah, I know that feeling.
And so that just changed everything. And then it also changed my idea of success. It really did. And so when I got, thank God, like, I don't know how I would think about success if that hadn't happened. to me. I don't know how I would think about money if that didn't happen to me. How do you think about it now? I don't give a s***. Like, I love it, of course. It allows me to create content, right? It allows me to impact people. It allows me to do all the things that I do every day. If ever I was coming to conflict with my relationship, I wouldn't think twice about it. If ever it was coming to conflict of me feeling good about myself, I wouldn't think about it. Like, that's what I mean by it doesn't dictate who I am and how I show up every day. It is an amazing facilitator. Amazing. And I'm such an advocate for wealth creation. I never, I think it's BS. Oh, yeah. Like, no, no, it can do beautiful things. It really can. So I'm not gonna BS anyone. But money in and of itself is like a superpower. You can use it for good or you can use it for evil. It's your choice. And so for me, it's like, it can be, it's so beautiful because I'm able to create beautiful things out of it. But it doesn't have a reflection of how I feel about myself, who I am and how I show up every day. And I don't know if it would have. It may have done that if my gut didn't fall apart.
Interesting. What has been the biggest struggle then for you mentally and emotionally in the last couple of years?
The biggest struggle is trying to ascend to the mountaintop. And the reason I say that, bro.
Is To get to the mountaintop?
Yes.
Trying to get to the mountaintop.
What is the mountaintop? I think the mountaintop is different for everyone. Is that a goal? For me, the mountaintop is checking boxes. Okay. Right? Like it's checking boxes. Give me an example. An example. Okay, great. Now I host my own show on sports. Speak for yourself. Check. Okay, great. Now I partnered with Oprah on a book. Oh, another book. Oh, a third book. Check. Okay, but the book has to bestow check. It's just like, it's just trying to ascend, trying to do, and not being dejected when you don't. And then, bro, I also think trying to figure out our place on this earth. I think we're all trying to do that. When we remove the masks and the makeup figuratively speaking, speaking of our life, we're all trying to figure out what value am I providing to the people I'm interacting with? What value am I providing to society? Where is my place in life? And I've been constantly, my biggest struggle the last couple years is trying to really figure that out. And now that it appears I figured that out, trying to sustain.
Right.
The heat, excuse me, and the hate that comes with that.
The heat and the hate, huh? 'Cause I don't think people understand that once you have audience and attention, there will be heat and hate. No matter how pure your intentions are, no matter how kind you try to be, there'll be hate.
But you know what I've realized, man, and my co-host Marcellus Wiley says this, criticism is the cost of praise.
It is.
We don't realize that enough. Like recently, for those watching sports news, Naomi Osaka, number one tennis player in the world just a couple of years ago. She tried to stop a tennis match because somebody said, you suck. Somebody yelled, you suck, and she went to the judge and was like, and went to the umpire and was like, yo, can we stop the match?
Like, can get them kicked out? Is that recently?
Recently, two days ago. She tried to stop the match and say, kick that person out. Correct. And at the end of the postgame presser, tears came into her eyes for.
Different reasons, and I was just like.
Criticism is the cost of praise.
And when you don't get it, you get criticized.
If you don't want criticism, don't play the game.
It's like you don't have a choice.
You know, don't play, don't show up. You can't play if you don't want criticism.
It's not even like you were advising Don, it's like, yo, criticism comes with it. Here's the funny thing, not to cut you off, is that you're gonna be criticized at the top or criticized for doing nothing. So you might as well do something you enjoy. 'Cause if you're sitting on the couch and you have all this potential, but you don't do something, The people closest to you are to say, what are you doing? This person has so much potential. Give me their potential.
I could do something great with this.
But they're just sitting on their couch depressed, worried about people's thoughts or opinions. There's a price either way.
You gotta pay it either way.
You gotta pay it either way. Maybe it's greater price as you're climbing and dealing with the more attention, but there's a price either way. You know what else, man?
And I've realized this too, and it's hit me in the face, You can't call for attention and hang up.
Yeah, so look at me. Oh, but always say nice things about me.
You can't, you can't, and whether we intentionally call for attention or we don't, you can't call for attention and hang up. Like the boy who cried wolf, like us and our friend groups, like a child in a house, cries and cries. Mother asks, what's wrong? Father asks, what's wrong?
Nothing.
And what are you crying for? You can't call for attention and hang up. And so I think there's just a.
Lot.
Of learning and discovering that I'm doing on this journey.
Yeah. The emotional regulation, it's funny, I was just interviewing a neuroscientist slash brain surgeon. He's an expert in both areas. So he studies the brain and the mind, right? The thoughts. And after this two hour conversation, the whole thing came down to the number one skill to have is the ability to emotionally regulate your feelings and how thoughts, the brain and the mind are connected to feelings and the ability to emotionally regulate them. Not saying that you're not going to have wide range of emotions, but the ability to regulate under pressure, under stress, so that you can get into flow, that you can get back to your. Yeah, your mission, your vision, and not be in chaos mode. you know, you can defend yourself rationally, essentially, in times of chaos. And he said, that's kind of what it comes down to. If I could teach a skill, it'd be the skill of emotional regulation. And I think the farther we try to strive to unlock our potential, the more we need to learn that, because the more people are going to be coming at us, it sounds like.
Yeah, yeah. One, I think that's a phenomenal thought. I think it was Michael Jordan's trainer who said emotions are dangerous, but controlled anger or controlled aggression is like the.
Most dangerous of all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that Tim Grover?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the most dangerous of all.
Because being emotional and reacting, you're gonna fell out. You're gonna do something stupid.
Correct.
Which I did many times in multiple sports. And then you learn the lesson, oh, my emotional reaction gets me on the bench. or hurts my team.
And you know what's interesting?
We're talking sports, but this is a life.
Yeah, it's life. Because, well, you can say foul out, literally, figuratively speaking. If you're at the grocery store and then you get upset and then you get emotional and then you get into it with the, the cashier emotionally fouling out. If you're talking to a friend and then you get into it with your friend and then you say something you shouldn't have emotionally fouling out, relationship oriented. If you're talking to somebody in your and then you get into it. So we're talking a sports conversation, but it is the controlling of your mind. But to me, bro, everything starts with the mind. Both our greatest limitations and our greatest accomplishments, to me, it's all up here.
Absolutely. What has been the biggest-- you- talked about living a life without failure or fear of failure.
Living a life without failure.
What is the biggest fear for you in the last couple years then? And now that you've, let's call it broken through, right? You were already really successful. I mean, you're an NFL player and had a career in sports TV and all these things, but broken through to a different level. What is now the greatest fear?
Ooh, that's why I like talking to you.
Amen.
I like talking to you. My biggest fear is becoming complacent. replace it. My biggest fear is not realizing I am living inside of a box that is around me. My biggest fear is not realizing, hey, there's a door you haven't yet opened. And what you think is a world is actually just a locker that you are inside of. One of my greatest, one of my favorite scenes of any movie, it's the end of Men In Black. I believe it's Men In Black one. And at the end of the movie, they open up a locker and open up the locker and they realize there's an entire another world out there. They thought they were living in their world, but there's such a bigger world out there. And my greatest fear is not pushing beyond a boundary, because I don't even realize the boundary is set, because I didn't set it, because somebody else said it. And I've been living inside of somebody else's box or somebody else's boundary. The reason we don't achieve our highest ties, bro, Isn't because we're not skilled, it isn't because we're not talented, it isn't even necessarily because we don't want it. It's because we don't realize how high we could achieve. I think that's the biggest limiting reactant realizing our highs. One of my favorite stories, if not my favorite story, story of Roger Bannister. Four minute mile. Four minute mile. For those that aren't familiar, Roger Bannister, scientists believed it was physically impossible Impossible, impossible to run a mile in under four minutes. Quick history lesson for everybody. It's my favorite story. Scientists believe it's physically impossible to run a mile in under four minutes. May 5, 1952, it had never been done in 2,000 years, but by May 6, Roger Bannister, Oxford, England, runs a mile, three minutes, 59 seconds. Within two years, 10 people ran a mile in under four minutes. Now, the world record for the mile, three minutes, 41 seconds. 43 seconds and roughly 1,800 people have done so. Why? Because one man, Roger Bannister, removed the barriers that other people set around him. One man said, you, know what? I'm not going to subscribe to that barrier. One man said, I'm not going to subscribe to goals. One man said, I'm not going to subscribe to that. And he broke the dam open for everybody. And after that dam was broken for for everybody, the whole rest of the running world proceeded to run through it. So my biggest fear, bro, is living inside of a box that somebody else set before me.
So if you don't have goals to break or reach, what are you reaching for? Like, what's beyond a barrier that you're not trying to accomplish?
For me, I'm reaching for movement. Okay, that's all it is. I'm ready for progress. Moving forward.
I'm moving forward.
So it's not reaching an end goal. No, it's moving. It's moving forward, man. Like you, you're gonna do another episode tomorrow, and hopefully it's better than today, and then the next tomorrow, and hopefully it's better than that day, and then you're just gonna keep moving. Like, let's not get so bogged down by, but I didn't get this. Oh, but I got that. Just keep moving forward. When you go to a beach and you end up standing in the ocean, eventually after about five minutes, you'll look back and be like, Yo, I done drifted way far away. And you just drifted further than you ever thought. That's where I'm at now. Let's keep moving forward. We get so caught up in, I want to be married by 26 and I want to have two kids and I want to have bought my first home by 29 and by 35, I want to be done having kids and I want to have four kids, two boys, two girls, preferably twins, because that would be easiest.
Yes.
Bump all that. Yeah. Forget all that goal setting. Goals lead to failure. I want to live the most impactful and significant life I can possibly live. And if I happen to live that life with somebody else, great. And if I don't, great. And at 35, I want see where I am. And at 30, I want to see where I am. And I want to just continue to move forward and make progress as a human being. But at the end of the day, bro, the reason we have these goals isn't even because of us. It's because of other people. This blew my mind. This blew my mind. And you're a sports guy. So, this may as well, this might blow yours as well. This truly blew my mind. We often debate LeBron James Michael Jordan, greatest basketball player of all time.
Who do you say, sir? I mean, I'm from Ohio, so I go for LeBron. Go for LeBron. I just saw LeBron last night, too, play. So, so. Right. I mean, he's still playing at what? He's the highest level. Dude's 37 years old.
He just had 10, 000 rebounds, 10, 000 points. Yeah. Beast. Let me blow this Michael Jordan, LeBron James debate open for a second. Yes. For those that claim Jordan's the greatest basketball player ever. they, they claim it primarily for this reason. He went to six NBA championships. And he won six. But outside of those six NBA championships, Jordan never went back to an NBA Finals. He went six times, and he won all six times. LeBron, on the other hand, has gone 10 times, and he's only won four.
It's more like, he's more like Tom.
Brady, you know, gone 10, won four. Jordan went six, won six times. Okay, great. Now let's talk about the same exact sport, basketball. Let's talk about the same exact result, first place and/or second place, Jordan and LeBron. But now let's talk about a different measuring system, a different metric system, the Olympic Games. In the Olympic Games, Michael Jordan would have six golds, no silvers. LeBron would have four golds and six silvers. On an Olympic scale, four golds and six silvers is abundantly and clearly greater than six goals. But in the NBA scale, six goals is better. So the question simply comes down to whose metric system are you using? And the problem is we let other people's metric systems dictate the happiness in our life. 'Cause in the NBA, you finish in second, you leave the court crying and weeping, devastated. The Olympic Games, you finish in second, to a degree you're elated, depending on what country. Why? Because somebody else dictated how we should feel about a certain situation based upon their metric system, not even our own. Absolutely. And I'm just done subscribing to other people's metric systems.
I go to the Olympics, that's an accomplishment. I go to the Olympics and get a bronze, I'm like, I'm medaled, you know?
I'm one of the three best in the world. Exactly. What I do. Exactly. But in the NBA, you get third in the NFL, you finish in third, in the MLB, you finish in third or fourth. You're like, you're you're petrified, you're distraught. And I realized, bro, we just subscribe to other people's metrics systems and we.
Let it dictate our happiness. Now tell me, okay, I love this approach. I love the philosophy and the mindset. But for someone watching or listening who's like, okay, but I really want to accomplish some goals to feel like I'm accomplishing something, because I wanted to build my, because it's always built my confidence when I do accomplish.
But I hear you say, but if.
You don't accomplish this, they're gonna hurt your self-esteem. So how do we If someone's like, I want to write a book this year, do I set a goal to write a book or is it a journey of writing the book? Do I create micro goals on a weekly basis and have accountability? There's gonna be deadlines. Or how do we think about the process of completing a project, launching something we want to launch, doing our artwork, creating our music, whatever it might be. How do we then set these things and make them happen?
Right. So I got my master's in sports psychology and I dedicated my final thesis paper, if you will, for my master's degree to this concept. I elaborate and expound on this concept in a logical, but I will give you a snippet. Because I studied goals so long, I understand there is a use for goals. When you are talking about the micro in order to accomplish something, there is a use for goals in a relay race, to stick in Olympic Sport of Track and Field. It does not matter how fast we run if we do not get the baton around. So the micro goal needs to be to get the baton around. When I say don't set goals, have an objective with no limitations, I'm talking about a larger principle of life. When you're talking about macro things such as, Hey, I just want to write a book. In the macro of writing a book, sure. I want to finish a chapter on Monday and I want to finish I want to write a chapter every week, every Monday. If you have a employer who's like, Hey, we need this done by this date. Well, within that stance, there is a means to set a goal. You talked about talking to the neuroscientist. You mentioned this pivotal word, flow. In order to achieve flow, flow is simply when you no longer are conscious of time in the midst of a task. In order to achieve flow, you need automatic feedback. autonomous feedback. In order to get that feedback, you need to set goals. So there are principles, objectives in life within micro constructs where goals have value. I'm talking about the macro look of life where goals will do more damage than they will set.
Yeah.
Or at least goals will just be a lemoning reactive.
Gotcha.
Because I always think, what if Roger Bannister wasn't just trying to break four minute mile. How much faster could he have gone? You never know. He went 359.8. He broke it barely. Literally, two tenths of a second was the difference. How much faster could he have gone? Maybe no faster, but maybe. If my goal, Lewis, was to write a book, I would have wrote a book. I wouldn't have wrote the second one. And I might not have written the third one. So that's where I'm thinking, like bigger picture. I just want to see people be the best version of themselves.
So how do we, I mean, people are going to fail, but you're saying to reframe failure or to not even look at failure as an option, because if you don't set the goal, you can't fail in that sense.
Bingo. I thought about this the other time. I don't think people fail. What I say is this, and I thought about this, I didn't fail, I fell, and as long as I get up, I win.
Ooh, yeah. Like a child. A child falls hundreds and thousands of times and they never think to themselves, maybe this walking thing isn't for me.
To do.
They fell, they fall and they get up.
We didn't fail. We fell. As long as you get up, you win. The winning is in getting up. So many people think they failed. They didn't fail.
They stopped.
You stopped. You didn't fail. You just failed. Failed.
And you just never got up.
That's it. relationship didn't work. You didn't fail at that relationship. And then you didn't fail in that relationship job. You got fired. You didn't fail. You fell. Get up. You'll look back. You win as long as you get up. So when people keep talking about failure, I don't subscribe to that, but I don't subscribe to goals. Because ultimately to fail is to put a period where a comma belongs. I ain't doing that no more. dog.
Exactly. To be continued.
I'm putting periods where commas belong anymore. And then we do that too often in our life. It's like, ah, this relationship ended, period. No, this relationship ended. I found somebody who was more suitable for me, who I am more suitable for, and I now ended up significantly happier than I was.
That's a good way to look at it. You know, looking at, I mean, I feel like it took me a long time to learn how to walk in relationships. I was just falling and wobbling all over the the place. I just needed some coordination sooner. It took me a while to be able to look back and learn the lesson. And I feel like I'm in a much more stable place. I have coordination with my body now in relationships in terms of walking. And some people learn faster in certain areas of life, but it's not about giving up on love, giving up on your career, your books, or your message, your art. It's about learning. A friend of mine posted this video, his name is Devin Rodriguez. He got big on TikTok. I think he's got like 30 million followers in the last two years. He started drawing people on subways in New York City. And he would just see them, he would draw them and he would hand them a sketch and people would be blown away. He did a video recently where he started learning in 2010 how to draw. And he posted a photo from 2010 to 2020. every year his work. And it was ugly the first five years. I mean, it was, you'd throw it away. It was so bad, right? It was like a five-year-old sketch. It was like something I would do right now. It's about how I draw. But now it looks like you take a photo of someone and he can draw it perfectly. But it took him 10 years to master the skill. He didn't fail the first five years, seven years. He fell forward by kept improving. Mm-. I think it's a beautiful lesson you're talking about. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as falling.
Bro, and so many people in our life, even our loved ones, want to tell us that we failed and we begin to believe them. And that's the problem. We've all committed to believing the lie that we have failed in life. We failed in our school. We failed in our relationships. failed in our jobs. We haven't actually failed. But if you believe and listen to a lie long enough, you will be convinced that it's the truth. And what I now practice is detangling so many of the lies that we've been told over time, deconstructing so many of the thoughts that we've believed over time, because it's those thoughts and it's those lies that bog us down. yeah. And, bro, this also blew my mind. The Mona Lisa. I went to Paris last summer. I went to Paris, went to Louvre. And, bro, you've been a Louvre.
I think I went to the outside. I didn't go inside.
Yeah. Yeah. So I'm in the. I'm in the Louvre. And there's art everywhere. There's art on the ceiling, there's freaking art on the walls, art on the left side. There's art everywhere. As I'm walking through this, you know, hundreds of Acres, seemingly. I see a huge long line for the Mona Lisa. I don't know yet though. I don't know. So I'm like, what in the heck is this line for? There's art everywhere, y'all. Why y'all stand in line to see a piece of art? Just look left. I turned the corner, huge line for the Mona Lisa. I was like, I ain't waiting in the line, so I'm gonna just walk by and see. I look at it. It's nice. It's nice. It's a painting. It's a painting. Painted somewhere from 1503 to 1518, I believe historians suggest. You realize if the Mona Lisa were painted today, might go to garage sale for $20.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe, but why? Because the Mona Lisa back then depicted a pale woman with thin lips and a large forehead. And that was the depiction of beauty back then. Depiction of beauty in 2022, sun kissed skin, thin waist, nice build. But why, bro, do we subscribe to a definition of beauty somebody else said because you can never catch it. The definition of beauty in the 1500s vastly different than the definition of beauty now. What was beautiful then we don't value now. What we value now we don't value then but either way we didn't even set it back to why do we let such significant insignificant people have significance in our lives? And man, I'm just like what all are we believing? Yes. That we just don't need to.
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And now it's time to go out.
There and do something great.
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