The SECRETS Behind Real Love & Connection w/Stephan Speaks (PART 1) EP 1114

This is episode number 1114 with Stephon Speaks.

Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an.

Inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.

Thanks for spending some time with me today.

Now let the class begin. Brian McGill said, There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love. And Wayne Dyer said, How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours. Whoo, this is going to be a massive two-part series with my friend, Stefan Speaks. As a certified relationship coach and speaker and author, he helps both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships, and Stefan empowers millions to take charge of the difficult situations standing in their way of the life and love they seek and to make impactful changes on a daily basis. And he's written a book called Love After Heartbreak. And the first volume is all about helping you self-heal find inner peace and true happiness. And I've had stuff on on multiple times in the past that have gotten millions and millions of views. So make sure to check out the show notes to listen or watch the previous episodes if you want to hear or see more. And our conversation was so powerful that we had to split it up into two parts. So make sure to check out part two after this. And in this episode, we discuss how social media is affecting our relationships, the biggest problems men and women face when cultivating healthy relationships, how to determine whether we're really connecting with a new partner or it's a fake connection, why arguing is not healthy, and how we can learn to communicate better. A breakdown of steps you can take to start healing your past, and so much more. If you are inspired by this, make sure to share this with a few friends right now, copy and paste the link wherever you're listening to this, or use LewisHowes.com/relationship com/1114. This will help so many people, whether they're in a relationship or not, it will help them in a big way. And in just a moment, the one and only, Stefan Speaks.

Welcome back everyone at the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. My man Stefan Speaks is in the house.

Thank you, man.

Brother, good to see you, man.

Same here.

The last video we had, I think it's almost 2 million views now. People always love when you're on the show. And one of the main reasons why I think people love you is because you're so real about the truth about relationships. And I want to ask you a question. The biggest question I think a lot of people have right now is why do people have such a hard time these days finding love during these times? Why is it so hard?

Now, when we say during these times, are we talking about pandemic times as well?

Or are we talking about everything? Everything. Social media, pandemic, Millions of options out there hard to focus on one for all these different challenges.

Now, you know what I want to start with the social media. I used to be someone that said you know what, social media is not the problem it's people social media simply exposes the issue. Which I still believe that but I have come to a place of seeing how evil social media can be how much damage it can cause in people's relationships. but not just simply the negativity it pours into people's relationships but the expectations now that it sets in different ways for people. Like, you have men who are forgetting what an average woman looks like because they're looking at IG models all day, all right. You have women forgetting that you know, not every guy has a million dollars and can shower you with a ridiculous amount of gifts. They're seeing this luxury life being lived. Now, of course, everyone doesn't fall for that. But a lot of people are and I do think it's impacting people's ability to appreciate relationships and different levels of how we engage with each other compared to what it used to be. It's so different now.

And a relationship between a man and a woman, what is the biggest problem that you see today that women face that are holding them back from staying in a healthy relationship? And what's the biggest problem that men are faced with and them being happy with their partner if they're in a relationship.

So, I always talk about healing and I do believe that healing is the number one biggest issue. But I want to take a different angle here. I think that another huge issue that both men and women are facing from women's standpoint is really understanding that men are different in how we think, how we behave, how we're overall wired. and the same thing goes for women, I mean for men. So, essentially men lacking an understanding of the emotional state or the emotional side of women and not knowing how to tap into that or navigate through that. Whereas she also struggles with trying to navigate through his logical side and how he goes about things and that disconnect because both sides are expecting the other to understand them where they are, all right. And they're not trying to understand the other person. And so we get caught up in our own feelings, our own perceptions of things, and that creates this huge fight, this huge battle, rather than really learning how the other side operates.

This is going to be an oversimplified question, a response that you have, because each person is unique. But I want you to fill in the blank. If a woman understood X about a man, they would be happy in their relationship.

The simplicity of a man they would be happy.

If a woman understood the simplicity of a man they would be happy in their relationship. They would have less stress, they would have less arguments, they would have less pain, suffering. What does it mean to be the simplicity of a man?

So, there's a few things. One, a lot of women overthinking, overanalyzing their relationships. And so, a simple example I gave in one of my videos is like, Let's say a guy says she said ask the man what do you want for your birthday? And he says listen, let's just watch a movie together, have some pizza, drink some liquor, I'm good. Have some sex, that's all I need for the night. And the woman thinks let me get him a wallet.

He's like no, I didn't ask for that.

Exactly, like it's so simple he's telling you exactly what he wants. The words coming out of his mouth are it's what he means. The problem is so many women have been conditioned to dealing with liars and manipulators, dealing with men who are playing games that when they are with a good man who's being forthcoming and honest, they don't know how to take that. And also because women are very... They're in the details, all right. So, they are going to see what you need they're going to analyze and say okay, I can get this for him. They're more thoughtful in their approach, they go deeper which is why they become so frustrated with us because we don't, when we don't understand that when they said I'm okay, that they really weren't okay, that bothers them. When they told us we don't want anything for Valentine's Day but they really wanted something and we didn't get that, that bothers them because it's like why aren't we looking deeper? Why aren't we learning them and being more in tune with them because that's how they are with us. And so again, it's a disconnect of we operate very differently but if they would just understand we're very simple, And the man who wants to be with you, who wants to love you is being very plain and clear. If you would just honor and accept that it would make things so much easier.

And if a man knew X about a woman they would have a happy life.

I'm what's the right word? It really goes back to understand that her emotions I'm trying to find the right way to phrase this but it's really understanding the emotional side of the woman. And what I mean by that is again, if you're with a woman let's say you guys are walking down the street and she says I don't feel safe right now, all right. To a man we may analyze the area and say well, there's nothing of danger here what's your problem? You're crazy. No, don't do that. If she says I don't feel safe you have to understand that's how she feels that's her emotion right now. And her emotion is reality to her. She may not be able to explain it it may be something within her, within her spirit But as men we make a mistake of dismissing it because it doesn't line up with our logic. And now it's you're crazy, you're this, you're that rather than no. Try to understand she's feeling like this for a reason. And even if we can't always explain it honor it. Now, the man's concern is well, now she can manipulate you and play you because even when it doesn't make any sense she can say I feel this way. But if you're with a good woman and she's been good to you in every other way, why question that she's playing games now? Give her the benefit of the doubt. So, I think if we would just learn to embrace what her emotions are at the moment we would be able to have more peace. Because again, a lot of fights come from you're trying to force your logic onto her. She's trying to tell you how she feels right now. And it's like this, no, meet her where she's feeling right now. acknowledge that. Say, okay, you know what? I understand it.

Let's handle it from that perspective. Why is it so hard for, let's talk about men in this situation, to acknowledge someone's feelings? When in the man's mind, you might be acting crazy. These feelings are irrational. Why would I acknowledge irrational feelings when there's nothing to be afraid of in this moment? If that's what a man is feeling. How do they get out of that space and say, okay, this is irrational. In my mind, maybe this is seen crazy because I don't feel this personally. How does a man learn to connect on that level so that they feel safe in that moment? Even if it is irrational.

So three things. It's. It's going to be awareness. Why did I just lose my train of thought for the second one? Awareness. I'm missing the second one. And then communication at times when things are not. chaotic, all right. So, the problem is you can't be trying to have this full deep discussion at this... If you feel like she's being irrational, if you feel like this is not making any sense, now you're trying to have this deeper discussion that maybe she's not ready to have at the moment, all right. She's feeling all over the place who knows what's triggering her right now. Wait till things are calm and now let's revisit what happened the other day.

Don't fix it when it's not when it's chaotic.

Exactly, It's almost like you know, sometimes a woman doesn't want you to fix it she wants you to listen and acknowledge how she feels. And so, we can talk about we can revisit it at a different time but in that time she needs you to embrace where she's at emotionally.

What if the man is just like it doesn't make sense? You're making no sense right now. What you're saying is irrational, maybe it's illogical, it's crazy, none of it makes sense. How do they wrap their heads around the madness of the emotion that is not real to them.

It really is a... This is... Oh, it's about practice so, that was the second part. Awareness practice, communication. So, the practicing of it is just simply understanding listen, it doesn't always have to make sense, all right. What does it hurt you in that moment to just be more compassionate and considerate of how she's feeling even if it doesn't line up with your logic right there? You know what I'm saying? And again, we can revisit this and use it as a moment to now learn more about each other. But right now is not the time.

So, tomorrow, three days later we can say hey listen, you know that time when we were walking down the street and you were afraid nothing was around, can we talk about that?

Exactly, exactly. And now we can gain better understanding because at that moment it may be easier for her to articulate it. But in the moment of her emotions running all over the place it's going to be hard for her to get it out clearly. Not because she's trying to be difficult it's just she's feeling all over the place it's just hard. It's like think about a child and I'm not trying to reduce women to children but think about a child being in their frantic moment something happening to them and you're saying tell me what's wrong. They can't tell you they're... It's hard for them to say it. But once they're calmed down and at a better place they can.

Absolutely.

So, we just have to be we got to be patient as well. We got to be patient with each other and give grace. we're going to have moments where yeah, it may not make sense but again, overall if you're with a good woman, why act like she must be she's being difficult or evil right now?

Absolutely. You know, there's a lot of good women. Speaking of good women, there's a lot of good women out there that are friends of mine who are single. They've been single for years. I'm thinking of a few of them specifically in my mind. So, I'm going to speak to these women's archetype because I think there's a lot of women like this out there. They've been single for, they haven't been in a, they've been dating, but they haven't been in a committed long-term relationship for a while. Good women. They make their own money. They're independent, they're kind, they're compassionate, they're loving, they've got their own vision, but they're struggling in finding the right guy who will commit.

What do you think is missing from those women?

Or is this a timing thing? Maybe it's like, hey, you've been trying this for eight, 10 years and you haven't found someone. maybe it's still timing, maybe they haven't showed up in your life yet. But if they're going on dates, they're doing these things and they still haven't been able to find a partner that feels like a good match, the right match. What's missing from them or is nothing missing?

It's hard to say because you know, without knowing them individually the issues can vary. You know, I'll tell you what I've seen as common barriers for women. One of the most common and they may not like hearing this but One of the most common is a lacking of being in touch with their feminine side. And that only really plays a huge role depending on the type of man they desire. If they desire a very masculine man, man who has his stuff together, a guy who can be a leader at least has those qualities then not being in your feminine is going to work against you. You're going to come across more difficult, you're not going to come across as someone that's peaceful and again, I think every man who has stuff going on for himself can say what he needs almost most importantly or at least near the top is peace. Every man needs peace.

Oh, man, I've been saying that my.

Whole life, you know?

Peace.

And so, if he does not view you in that way because again, you project more masculine energy, you project more resistance, more of a difficult nature he's not... You can be the most beautiful amazing woman it's like... And he may want to sleep with you but he's not going to want to take you serious or marry you. So, that can be one problem. Another thing can be timing. You know, it's a lot of times is we have to understand everything doesn't happen tomorrow, there is a process to this. But in that timing what's important is that you don't drag on with the wrong men. A lot of women reduce their time or reduce their window of opportunity staying with the wrong guys, dating even the wrong guys. So, it doesn't have to be a committed relationship It could just be your dating and getting to know each other but you knew after a couple of days that he wasn't it. And yet, you're still letting it continue and what... And even though you're not fully committed in this relationship as an official boyfriend girlfriend, you're emotionally invested. And your ability to now be available to someone else is severely hindered. So, you're not going to be able to meet that great guy or that great guy may come across you here that you're dating this guy and say, I'm not even going to bother with that. And so, that hurts you. So, timing is it, but you have to make sure you're leaving yourself available.

Here's a question, do we stay in relationships longer when we haven't fully healed the past?

Hell, yes. Absolutely.

I'll probably raise my hand here for pretty much every past relationship. where I have known at different levels, like something's not right, something's off. Okay, let's work on it, let's try to make it work. Still things are off. It's like you have a knowing inside and sometimes you try to force it to make it work. And I'm as one to blame as anyone here. And what I realized is like, oh, I haven't fully healed certain things and it's why I've stayed in the past in relationships much longer than I probably should have. But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting someone. I was afraid of hurting myself. I was afraid of whatever. And when I started to learn that, like this is something you talked about over and over, that the healing process is the key process to build a foundation for the potential for a great relationship, for something to flourish.

Yes.

You want to have, you know, the dream is to have a rainforest of an environment in your relationship where things can grow, things can flourish. There's green trees around you. There's waterfalls. not an environment of a desert where things go to die in the relationship. And I don't think we can truly allow things to grow if we don't learn to heal. And that's something that you taught me years ago and you teach so many people around the world this. But if people don't even think they need to heal something, how do they do it?

They can't. There's no way you can't overcome an obstacle you don't believe exists.

Right. You know, I'm fine, I got this, nah, I've dealt with this stuff in the past. Like that was me.

Exactly, and so, the problem is most people don't heal until they hit a wall. Until something you know, knocks them on their behind and now they have to see things differently and accept the issues that they've been holding on to. But also, I think the problem for a lot of individuals is they're not healed and they're in environments with people who haven't healed either. And now, those unhealed people are going to validate your issues they're going to validate your unwillingness to face those things.

This is so hard because whatever guy friends, girlfriends, whoever you are, and you lean on people and say, this person did this, and they validate you, you say, leave them, they're no good for you, you deserve better, you don't deserve that, they shouldn't be doing this, right? They start to validate to be on your side, but they're not healed either if they're coming from that place. Maybe they're correct on certain things, but it's learning how to communicate to your friends, in a healthier way probably also.

Well, I think yes, because a lot of people they tell their friends the bad and they don't always tell them the good. So, the friends have a very skewed perception of the relationship or whatever situation that you're facing. But we also have to be aware enough to understand who we're seeking guidance from. Like, I may speak to my friends because I need to vent at the moment or I want some feedback but I'm fully aware that they are not the end all be all to this, that they may be speaking from their own hurt place. I still can filter their perspective through the understanding of they're not healed enough to give me full proper great guidance, all right. But they might give a perspective that I needed to look at and that's why I will still talk to them because I want to hear different perspectives. I want to make sure I'm not missing any blind spots here. all right. So, it's good to talk to different people but only if you understand how to not just take them as oh, well my friend said this so this is it. No, your friend may be broken too and they're going to lead you down an even more broken path.

Exactly, so the conversations you have with some people they're not healed and they're not helping you fully because they're validating something that you don't need to hear necessarily. Maybe some of it is right but not all of it.

And not to mention it can happen in other ways as far as like I've seen people where the friend was in a toxic relationship that they were unwilling to leave. So, now when their other friend came to them about their toxic relationship it's oh, you know, give them a chance oh, you know, cheating happens in every relationship they'll come up with all these validations to stay because they can't look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves to walk away. So, how are they going to tell you to do it, all right. Now, some people can do that. Some people can still tell you opposite of what they're going to actually are willing to do But a lot of people consciously or subconsciously are trying to validate how they would handle things or how they have handled things, all right. So, if it's I would leave because someone called me out there and out my name one time then I have to tell you that you got to leave for that reason. I can't tell you to be considerate of well, maybe it was a mistake, maybe this can be fixed. Oh, no, no, no because I drew that line you need to draw that line. A lot of people don't understand how to give that unbiased advice. So, that's why you have to be very careful going to friends and family.

Healing is again, a lot of clarity comes through healing. You'll be able to see things differently in a relationship if you are from a healed place. I think a lot of us, myself included, have stayed in relationships longer than necessary because we haven't healed something yet. and that's what we stayed in them. So would you say that people who have healed and addressed the past, the traumas of the past, the pains of the past are much quicker to get out of a dating situation when they realize, oh, this isn't for me. Like, I thought it was gonna work out, but I don't need to keep trying for months and years to try to make it work. It's not working, I'm willing to walk away. Would you say people healed are able to do that better?

Absolutely. Yeah. Basically, the more healed you become, or when you have become healed, your willingness or ability to tolerate toxic energy is diminished. You don't know how to operate or how to stay in those environments any longer because now you see things so much clearer. It's almost like if you were to detox your body and start to eat healthy, now you go back to eating some fast food and it will destroy your stomach. So, your willingness to eat that bad food is no longer there or at least it's diminished because now your body knows what healthy feels like, all right. So, emotionally once you get to a healthy place and you know what healthy is, you can't tolerate dysfunction as much anymore. You can't tolerate someone who does not want to face their issues. You know, it reminds me right now real quick of even when it comes to business or you know what, even when it comes to fitness. A lot of people once they've achieved great success or once they've achieved giving that body they always wanted. They look at those who do not have differently. Before, they may have been in that pool of people that said my circumstances, there's nothing I can do it's too hard. But once you've achieved it and you knew what work it took to get there, now it's like no, you're just unwilling. You don't have enough desire to push past the obstacles to get the results you're looking for. And so again, when you become healthy your willingness to tolerate this person just can't get past their issues it's like no, because I got past mine. I know what it takes, I know you can get there if you're willing but so many are not willing.

Let's say you got in a relationship, you got married, you've been committed for a while and you neither of you have healed. But then one of you decides, you know what, this isn't working. I gotta heal the pain from the past. They go on that journey. They get relief. They find peace in their heart. They're not triggered, whatever it is. They've started and have continually been on the healing process. But the other person continues to be in their own traumatic past experiences. What if they're not willing to heal? Would you recommend like, is that where they should be able to work still? Are you able to find ways to say, well, we still love each other and we have a lot of chemistry and connection most of the time. What would you say about that if the other person's unwilling to heal?

I hate to say this but I have to be honest, all right. I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation, all right. I do think that we can take an approach that says let's see if we can work this out let's give them a little bit of grace here And the main thing is can we achieve progress, all right. Rome isn't built in a day and if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow. But are you willing to at least start to walk on that path and make progress? Though I don't want to encourage divorce I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to face their issues. If you have freed yourself from that you have healed they've got to be willing to make a move. And here's the problem, people are afraid to heal or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal, all right. Because you have to... It's like I remember a quote and I'm probably saying it wrong. To heal you have to face the pain or you have to dive into the pain something like that, all right. So, people understand it's painful to go and revisit your past. It's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out. And so, now your fear of healing or facing the process of healing is greater than your fear of losing this person, all right. And they think because you're married to them you're not going anywhere.

You're stuck for life.

Exactly, so for that reason, that's not enough incentive to face their fear of facing their issues. The only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce. Wow, or is the actual divorce happening? Again, it's not that I wanted to get to that point I hope and pray everyone could avoid that. But the reality is some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table and that will be divorce in that situation.

So, okay let's say someone's like you know what I feel like I'm good it's never been about me it's been about everyone else it's their problems that why the relationship doesn't work.

Hold on, I got to stop you real quick. Yes, because this is like hitting my spirit I got to say.

Give it to me.

The other thing to consider is that some people will never change, they will never heal. And the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person and the only reason you got with them is because you were broken. Had you not been damaged in the first place then you may not be with this individual.

Because you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place.

Exactly, and if you were healed you would have been your true self your true self may not have aligned with this individual. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed. I do think that's possible to happen. But a lot of people I would argue the majority when you... Because I always say if you're not healed you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person. So, I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual and that's marriage, relationship, whatever. Because that brokenness, that damage...

Attracted something else that was wrong.

Exactly, and allowed you to tolerate it or it allowed you to feel safer in that environment. Here's the thing that people don't realize when you have not healed, if you were to get with a healthy person it would essentially demand of you from the jump to basically heal or step your game up. And again, people are afraid to face their issues. So, to get with another broken person subconsciously it validates me staying broken. It validates me not having to face my issues because now we all have issues, you see as long as we all have issues I don't have to face mine. But if you have corrected yours how can I validate my own?

Wow, what's your issues?

My issues?

The coach always has an issue somewhere. What's your biggest fear or insecurities around being in a relationship or finding the right person or dating or...

So, okay, I'll say fear. And I'm being very transparent. I've never said this to anyone else, all right?

I know you haven't. Your biggest fear.

My biggest fear has been can I remain focused and fulfilled in the relationship long term past a certain time? Meaning, okay, I have no doubts five years in, ten years in, I'm still good. But when it hits year 15, this is different. And again, it's because of one, I think a lot of people the issue that we have is specifically even with monogamy. Not saying that I'm going to be going out there cheating but I always say the issue with monogamy is that people struggle to maintain monogamy. And we struggle to maintain monogamy because we don't maintain who we fell in love with. with, all right.

What do you mean by that?

Meaning that person that I brought you and you brought to me that made us feel like this is it. It's different, it's different now. The thing is though, it can be maintained if it's the true you. Problem is a lot of people aren't being their true self on the jump. So, that creates a difference right there. Also, is there a willingness to grow together and that needs communication, that means connection has to be there. A lot of people have not gotten with that person they have a connection with. So, this is where for me there's fear but there's peace in knowing that I do believe if I'm willing to do my part to maintain who she falls in love with, all right. Whoever that woman is when that day happens I'm willing to do that and that goes spiritually, mentally, physically, I have no problem sticking to the recipe that worked. And I'm confident in one end because I say you know what, I believe in connection. and I believe that that's the missing ingredient when I look at these relationships that have failed and haven't made it past that 10 year, 15 year mark. I do think that the reason is connection was not there in most cases.

So, chemistry was there.

Chemistry may have been there at one point.

Compatibility.

Compatibility based on what they were presenting at one point may have been there but again, was it true compatibility if they weren't being their true self? And if they had not found their true self yet. But connection was not there. And I think a lot of people get with each other based off the hype and that's the reason why I'm such a stickler on okay, I have to make sure I wait for connection because I want to make it past those 15 years. I want to make it for the long haul. I want to be a representation of what I speak about. I want people to look at my relationship and say I don't want it to be that fake relationship that people think is good, it's actually horrible behind closed doors. No, I want us to be amazing to everyone and inspire them. So, I have to wait for connection and me being a man of God I have to wait for that spiritual guidance that says this is the one that I can pray about this and God tells me she's it. Because you know, there's a lot of beautiful amazing women out there but everyone's not for us. And so, I think it's important to understand who aligns with you especially as a man when you're walking in your purpose. And that's why it's so important for men to find their purpose because if you don't know where you're headed in life you don't know who belongs on that path with you. So, you've got to make sure that you know yourself, you know the direction you're walking in and now you can see what woman can align with you and you guys can walk together as a unit and make it something amazing.

What's your definition of chemistry, connection, and compatibility?

All right, so, chemistry to me is the art of getting along flowing with each other, all right. Chemistry can be created, it can be destroyed. Think about it from a team sports perspective, you can put players together and they have to build team chemistry. So, through repetition, through practice, they can get to a point of having chemistry. Yes, some people have instant chemistry, all right. But just as it was instant, it can also be broken.

Instantly.

Exactly, you know, we can start to not get along and not flow with each other very easily things can get in the way. And again, this happens even in team sports or even in the corporate arena where you have team building exercises but then things happen that destroy the structure of the business.

So, that's chemistry.

That's chemistry.

How important is chemistry?

It is still very important it is not the most important and I say that to mean chemistry has to be in every relationship for it to work and flourish. but it does not set the stage for everything else, all right. Connection sets the stage for everything else. So basically, if you have connection, you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility. But now let's talk about compatibility. I believe compatibility is a very logic-based structure of putting two people together. It's also about we're compatible in the sense that we share values, all right. So, again, you can meet someone that you are quote unquote compatible with. You guys share similar values, you guys come from even maybe the same kind of cultures, there could be a lot of things that make you guys compatible on paper.

But what is real compatibility?

Well, to me that is real compatibility so to speak is that yes, you guys on paper are a good fit, all right. And you guys should work. But again, without connection it won't matter. So, I would argue that a lot of marriages let's even talk about arranged marriages. Some of them were built on compatibility. Well, this person came from the right family so, we like this, they have a good job, they have a good education, they would be a good fit here, they share the same values. But when those two people are really alone with each other, it doesn't always hit. Which is why if you go on an online dating site It can match two people together that are compatible on paper.

Interesting.

But in person, it doesn't always play out the same.

Because what is missing?

The chemistry or more importantly, the connection.

And sometimes we might be tricked. Oh, we feel the spark of chemistry, but you may not have connection. Is that true?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

So you might say, oh, we're compatible on paper, everything. We have the same values. We want the same things for our life. and marriage and kids and where family's going to be, we have compatibility. We have chemistry. There's some type of spark here. I feel like, oh, there's a little something down here. Yeah, we feel it.

And we get a flow of each other.

It's amazing. But you're saying if we can't find true connection or if there isn't connection, can connection be created? No.

And so that's the, that's the huge distinction to me with connection. Connection cannot be created, nor can it be destroyed. it's either there or it's not.

Wow.

There's nothing you can do to build connection. You can build a stronger bond, you can create a stronger attachment to each other but that still doesn't mean connection is there. And you see this play out in situations where you have people who could meet each other right now have this amazing connection. Something happens where they fall apart, they come back together years later, 10, 20 years later and it's like they never Stop talking, it just falls right back into place. It's connection, it's a deeper thing that's occurring there. To me, connection is your spirit recognizing its match. It is something that is happening beneath the surface, all right. Which is why many people who have felt connection, you can't always explain it. Connection does not always line up with the logic of compatibility. It's not always oh, well, it makes sense because of this... No, no, it's just there. you just feel something with this person, you feel drawn to them, it's so much deeper than anything you've ever felt. And consider this, you can be compatible with tons of people. You can have chemistry with tons of people, you do not feel connection with a bunch of people. Period. If we were to survey people who have felt a connection in their life, you'd be lucky to find many who can say two times.

Wow.

The majority will say it's one time occurrence that has happened to them, all right. And being able to have that again it's very difficult. Now, I don't want anyone listening to be discouraged if they did not end up with the person they had a connection with. I'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen a second time. But I will say that if you surveyed people you would have a hard time finding that many people that said it happened twice.

When does someone know it's connection and not chemistry? Because I feel like you might be tricked. We have this incredible connection. We understand each other. We get each other. I can't explain it, but I feel something. That feeling might be also chemistry at the same time, right? It might be masking.

Yes.

If it's really connection or chemistry. How do you know if it's true connection over, man, this is desire, connection, attraction, all these things happening at once.

One, can you truly be yourself with this person?

Oh, that's big.

All right, because again, a lot of people they go on these dates, they're bringing their representative and the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing. But when you actually show your true self now what happens? And a lot of people have not done that with their partner or the person that they're getting to know. So, again, you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility but you're not discovering true connection being there. So, you've got to be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core, all right. You can show me all the parts of you, I still want you, all right. Number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions, all right. Again, what people fail to understand and this can happen with chemistry is that we're bonding based off of the activity or the things in our environment. Meaning, all right, we love going out together and we do all these fun stuff and we're doing all these things and that's great, all right. We know how to have fun together. But can we be alone in a room, no TV, no distraction, no phone, just us and still love being with each other? A lot of people can't say that. A lot of people are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner and I use that word strongly, tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in life. They have kids, they have work, they have all these other things that they're dealing with.

TV, video games, man caves, whatever.

Exactly, all these things that pull them away from their partner that doesn't allow them to face the fact that no, you really don't like each other at their core.

Man.

And so, that is a huge sign of connection. That's why like one thing I suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip. And it's just a random suggestion but Go on a road trip for at least six hours, no phone, no distraction, just you and them talking. Will you still be happy after those six hours? A lot of people can't make it that far in a car ride with their partner, all right. A lot of people cannot be in a room alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention. So, you've got to really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here if this is really going to be called a connection? Right.

And your fear is are you able to grow together after 10, 15 years? Is that one of the main things?

So, it's you know, it's hard to you know, you never can look that far ahead you know and we don't know what's in store.

May not be here tomorrow.

Exactly, it's a concern of can we still give that same energy and it's both sides because again, I'm not saying I'm not perfect so even though I'm confident that I could do it what if there's something that throws me off, you know. It's just that yes, as time goes on there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that same energy that you brought in the beginning. Now, again, I think I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I think most people do because I think that a lot of people's mentality is well, things change, things are going to be different it's okay. So, what you don't go out as much anymore. People think like this but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating. I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So, when I think about yes, can I be with someone past 10-15 years if I accept a level of mediocrity? Of course, but... We don't want that. Exactly, I'm saying can we maintain excellence after these 10-15 years? Fulfillment, exactly. Peace, happiness, all these things because to me what is the point of being here if we don't have it, if we're not operating at our highest level.

What about the saying that I hear, whether this is a meme or this is women saying this online, maybe you know the line better than me. If he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best.

I hate that line. I absolutely hate it. And I hate it because It has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues, all right. I agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments, all right. Because we're going to all have moments, we're going to all fall, we're all going to make a mistake, it's going to happen. Over time that's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it even when I want to consistently make you deal with it. No, that's not going to work for me. I can't accept that that's not okay. And so, a lot of people that's what they're turning it into.

That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth.

Exactly.

Going back to okay, this is where I'm at I don't want to address it you just have to accept it and or don't be with me.

Exactly, you know it reminds me of like once upon I don't know they still say it but I know at one time People would say arguing is healthy for a relationship, all right. I disagree.

I don't know if I agree. I understand that... Yeah, I just don't like that.

No, at all.

Can you communicate with... We don't agree on this but do you have to argue?

Exactly, that's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable disrespect is not, all right.

So... Say it one more time.

Disagreement is acceptable Disrespect is not, all right. So, my thing is yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives, we can bounce ideas off each other, we simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful, whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy, there's nothing healthy about that. But a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship. They don't want to face the issue of I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't want to have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does.

Wow.

All right, grow up, you know. Like, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this but that's just real. We can't just think it's okay especially with our partners to speak however we want, to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. it's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the build up from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way and ever since then I've resented you. And now in this resentment I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about because I didn't communicate clearly. Now, you're giving me attitude and now you see how it turns into other things. Now, that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into okay, the way that we talk to each other in general. Maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing, all right. It can also start from some other stuff, all right. But arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug. So, going back to your point about the whole take me at my worst, yes, worst moment. You can have a moment.

Always like this and once in a while a good attitude.

Exactly, consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

So arguments are disrespect, but disagreements is okay, is that what you say?

Yes, the disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

Yes, so you can always disagree and you can agree to not agree. Yeah. Or you can, is that right? Agree to disagree?

Yeah, agree to disagree.

But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, saying what's on your mind.

In an angry, Exactly.

Aggressive way, tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for someone.

Exactly, people have to understand whenever someone feels attacked they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker my focus has been do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message? All right, if I want to be heard I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down, I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's entertainment. I just want to be heard. But no, I want people to receive it and if I want people to receive it I have to be more considerate, more compassionate, I have to check my tone, I have to be careful with my words. And that's why if people watch my videos they'll see I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm saying. So, if we're in a relationship we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you be mindful of how you're talking to them.

Why is it so hard for people?

Because again, they don't want to face the or they don't want to do the work of correction, all right. And the work of correction can entail the healing and again, facing those issues. It's also conditioning if people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other It's very... It's hard to change that, yeah. It's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen, all right. So, now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work. And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. They don't want to have to accept that so, it's no, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there's nothing wrong with this or I see other people do it but you know, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay, you know. So, I think those reasons and just overall, they don't want to have to do the work and so, they rather make excuses for it.

So, it sounds like again, we go back to step one, healing. If you can learn to heal you can start to improve the quality of your choices dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker. You can be a more effective communicator in relationships whether you're dating or in a long term committed relationship. You can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else. So can you give me a breakdown, a bootcamp 101 on how to recognize what you need to heal and then how to start healing that. What does that look like for someone? Okay, I need to heal, Stephon. What do you mean by that? How do I do it? How do I get started? How long does it take to get healed?

Okay.

Is this a lifelong journey?

Is this overnight? What does it look like? All right, so first thing, how long does it take to heal? It's going to take as long as you're willing to put in the work. Healing is not a time thing, it's a work thing. So, when you hear people say time heals all wounds, no, it doesn't. Time alone doesn't heal a damn thing. All right, it can help it does aid in the process but by itself it is no good. You have to take certain steps. So, when people think well, I'm going to take a year off from relationships to heal, why a year? And if you're not doing the work in that year that year means nothing and that's what happens to a lot of people. They took a year off but what they did was they hid from the world, they hid from relationships, they went in their corner, all right. distracted themselves but they never healed. Now, they come back out of that year and they're still the same person.

Or maybe they're not the same... Maybe the first few months of dating they're a little different but then they fall back into the same.

Exactly, because they never resolve things at its core. Now, in terms of recognizing what to heal, my first step is called the who Hurt Me list, all right. So, you get a piece of paper you write down a piece of paper who hurt me? and now every person who comes to mind you write them down on the piece of paper. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you've moved past it, if you think it's not relevant, if they come to mind then there's some level of relevance there. Put them on the paper and about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you, all right. This is how we're going to start to locate what you've been holding on to. But you really got to go into this exercise very genuine. you can't be trying to control the narrative. You just got to let yourself feel. Just ask yourself the question, close your eyes, let it come out.

What's the question they should ask?

Who hurt me?

That's it. Who hurt me? That's it. And what if they're like, I can only think of like three people that really hurt me. Should it be thinking of like every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment or should this be this person punched me in the face?

Anybody who comes to mind. So, I don't want them to force it but I don't want them to undermind it in any kind of way either. Just whoever comes to mind put them on the paper. Because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody, if we tackle the big one you're not going to be able to escape the big ones. The big ones are going to come out they're going to come to mind. If we can tackle those then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally, all right. Because now your awareness is going to be there and your level of healing will allow you to see things differently.

Because really the big ones these might be the ones that cause the most pain. And if you heal that, the other ones are just a pattern of the pain.

Exactly. And you will also start to perceive those situations differently once you heal from the bigger ones.

Okay, so that's step one. Take a piece of paper, write it out. How long should this take? A few minutes, few hours, depending.

Depending on the person, because for some people it's gonna get heavy. It's gonna get heavy and that might cause them to want to pause. and take a step back. But I would encourage them do not like walk away from it completely stick to it. But it can be as quick as a few minutes maybe it takes an hour because they may get emotional in the process but just don't run from it. But just do it don't even worry about the time just do it.

Okay, step one, step two.

Step two, so step two I'm going to lay this out. I usually don't lay it out but you know what I feel like I got to do it today. I got to do it today. So, step two is we got to get things off our chest, all right. Okay. And this is where we do the letter writing process. So, there's two parts to the letter or two drafts. The first draft is the most important. This is where we're going to have essentially an emotional detox. We got to get everything out. So, let's say on the list is your mother. I always bring up mothers because so many people have mommy issues but the world only wants to talk about daddy issues, all right. and the society has made it to where it's almost wrong for you to tell a woman she was a bad mother or to criticize your mother. So, we suppress that a lot more than we do our fathers. That's interesting, you know. So, let's say it's your mother and you're going to do the first draft. And in that first draft you're just going to let all your raw emotion out. I don't care if you curse her out, I don't care if you wish death on her, I don't care what nasty evil thing you say. However you feel, let it come out. You've got to let the anger, the hurt all pour out of you into this letter. If you don't know how to start the letter, start it with the most damning thing you could say, all right. I hate you because boom, and then just go from there. It's going to start coming out. Once you uncork that screw, that's it. Exactly, and this is where it gets heavier. A lot of people may take a lot more pauses in this process. all right. Because again, so many people have been suppressing this for so long. And again, it's like any other detox when you start to detox the bad stuff has to come out first, all right. And you can't get to a healed place unless you flush out all the negative energy. So, this is why it's important. This is not the draft to be politically correct to try to frame things in the right way. I don't want you to be considerate, I don't want you to think about well, I did some wrong things too. Forget all that. This first draft is let it rip. Let it rip, let it out. And I guarantee you by just doing that first draft you're going to feel better. You're going to feel a weight come off your shoulders you're going to feel more peace to you.

Right, that's the draft one.

Draft two. So, draft two is essentially now I always tell people all right, you finish draft one, pray, meditate, whatever you got to do just get to a kind of level place mentally, calm. and now read the letter to yourself as if you were them. Oh, okay. And now, so put yourself in their shoes and anything that now comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting, you're going to change it. You're not changing the message, you're just changing your delivery of the message, all right. And the importance behind this is twofold. One, we talked about it earlier. People don't know how to communicate without being negative. Their tone, their delivery is horrible. So, this letter is going to help you learn how to take your negative emotions and thoughts and now turn it and reword it into a much more loving positive message. Now, loving positive does not mean you won't say some things that aren't hurtful to them or a hard pill for them to swallow. There's just a difference between lashing out and expressing how you feel. Saying this is how you impacted my life, this is how I perceive things rather than you're this, you're that, you're this. That's the first draft. But the second draft is just you're just changing your delivery of the message. So, by the end of it you have fully expressed yourself but in a more calm loving manner. This is going to allow one, it's going to teach you how to be better in your communication.

Interesting.

But also, and this is the part people aren't going to like And I won't go too deep into this part. For those who may have to send it and I would just suggest getting the book to see if they got to send it or not, all right. Because it breaks all of this down. But for those who do have to send it, it's going to give you a much greater chance of great things to come from that letter. Not that that's the focus of the letter. The focus of the letter is for your healing. So, I don't care if you did send it and they never responded. I don't care if you sent it and they rejected everything you said in it. because the purpose is your release of all those emotions, all right. And you've got to embrace forgiveness and forgiveness is another piece of this healing puzzle. Forgiving them and forgiving yourself as well. That's the real focus. But I have seen amazing things happen because of these letters.

Really?

Yes.

So, these are not letters that you send out that say you're horrible, you ruined my life. That's not draft one you're sending out draft two which is more of a place of this is how this scenario impacted me. Yeah, this is how you feel. It's more of a responsibility as well how it made me feel is that I'm hearing you say.

Absolutely, yeah. Because it's very different to accuse someone and attack someone versus saying but this is how I received it. Right, whether you're right or wrong. Exactly, because also understand this hurt people hurt people. And some people might reject that because they say well, I'm hurt and I never hurt nobody that's a lie. Whether you realize it or not you have hurt people One example I'll give that comes to mind, let's say you're a woman or a man and you were hurt in your last relationship and now you've become guarded. Now, to you, you're still operating as a loving human being but what you don't realize is your guardedness is still hurting either the potential partner or someone that you do get with. Because you're unwilling to give them your whole heart, all right.

So, you still have... You're not attacking them, maybe you're not punching them or cheating on them, but you're holding holding back.

Exactly, and you're still undermining the relationship. So, you're still hurting them and you're hurting yourself because you're not allowing yourself to experience the full greatness of it. Because you won't fully dive in because you're scared and you're guarded and that has to be fixed. But going back to the original point I want to make is in that same mold, the hurt person does not always realize how much they're hurting you. We have to understand that damaged individuals are operating from a very selfish mindset. It's I'm protecting myself. Think about the person who is overly critical of everyone else. They're always criticizing, criticizing, criticizing. They're not doing it because their intention is to hurt others. They're doing it because they want to keep the spotlight off of them and to protect themselves from criticism. So, I'm going to hit you before you hit me, all right? So, again, a lot of our parents the things that they did they did not understand. And even if they had some semblance of an idea they're so caught up in their own feelings they're blinded by it. So, a lot of times this letter basically takes the blinders off when you do it in that loving manner. Because like I said earlier, do you want to be heard or do you want them to receive the message? The yelling, the screaming, the lashing out they heard that because you may have done that with them in the past. But they never received you in that moment. Now, expressing yourself in a calm loving manner they can't help but receive you and even those who reject what you're saying trust me, it has hit them in a way nothing else has. And I've seen situations where the offender has broken down in tears after realizing how bad they were being. But they never connected with that previously because their emotions, their feelings blinded them from that. It's a lot, man.

First two steps sound like a pretty deep work.

It is, it is absolutely deep work but it's necessary work. I mean listen, no one says healing is easy but it's necessary and it's absolutely worth it and it's a game changer. Like, I just don't think people understand how much better your life will be and you know what let's take a moment to say this isn't even about your emotional relationship life. it's about your overall quality of life. A lot of people's illnesses are from a lack of emotional health, all right.

That's true.

And what we have to understand is a suppression of feelings, a lack of healing creates emotional stress. Stress is now the number... It's not now it's always been the number one inducer of disease. It is the number one trigger that sets everything else wrong in your body, all right. If you cure stress you cured the body. A lot of things it changes after that. So, your overall health, your overall quality of life is dependent on you healing and releasing that negative energy. So, it's so much bigger than just a relationship.

Overall quality of life, not just in that one relationship but every relationship.

Every relationship, every aspect of life.

So, do you write a letter for the 30 people that were on that who Hurt yout list? Or is it more okay, pick like the three or two or three big people in your life that you really were affected by start with those letters and then keep going.

Start with those letters and what I have seen in all my years of.

Doing this is that and sometimes you don't send it to the person also, right?

There's going to be some circumstances where you wouldn't send it. Majority of the times I would encourage sending it, all right. Now, again, I tell people that if you're a believer pray about it as well Because to me, God, you're the ultimate answer in that. But I do believe that the vast majority of situations the letter needs to be sent, all right. But again, there are some caveats there, there are some differences. And you had asked what again?

Do you send a letter to everyone on the hurt list?

So, yes, what I have seen from most people is that once you knock off the big ones first three, four.

Or five people you don't need to write a letter.

You don't have to write that to everybody else because again, every you see things differently now. So, now think about it like this, your hurt or how you took offense to something, you now see it differently after you resolve those other ones. Now, you realize it wasn't even about you in those situations. Again, hurt people hurt people, they're just projecting negativity onto you. It wasn't even about you they just took it out on you. And now when you now start to not internalize people's actions it frees you in a way that you were never freed before, you know. And that's why it's so important that we have to learn not to take things personally because we don't know where that person's actions and negativity is really coming from. A lot of times most of the times it's not even about us, it goes way deeper than that. And if we learn not to take it personally and not to internalize it, we can navigate the situation so much better. Because what's happening is you allow them to trigger you now you get into a negative space, now you fight fire with fire and the fire gets worse.

That's been me most of my life. Most of my previous relationships, that's how I showed up which was I'm doing to defend myself. You're attacking me for something whether it's true or not, I'm going to defend myself and I'm going to fight back. What happens when we do that with our partner?

We just make it a battle. We set the stage for more battling. And here's the worst part about it, we not just battle in that moment. That battle usually turns into saying something we regret, doing something that we you know, we didn't realize we did. Now, they hold on to that. So, now they take that one small thing from that battle for years. Exactly, that creates more battles so, you don't win. You don't win trying to fight fire with fire.

So, what should you do if someone's fighting you with fire how should you respond?

You throw water on them. You okay? A bucket of water. And that water is love, patience, grace. And if they don't honor that you let them go. Unfortunately, listen if we're in a relationship whether that be family or romantic and we're dictating to them that listen, the way we do things here is we have calm conversation, we be respectful towards each other, you know, we don't take this to a negative place and they cannot honor that then you stop engaging with them.

What if someone says you know what, don't try to tell me how to act and how to feel it's okay to feel angry it's okay to react at times it's natural to let yourself feel these things these are human emotions. and it's okay to argue every now and then don't try to tell me what to do.

Again, a moment. So, if I'm in a relationship and we've set the standard of healthy communication and my partner has a moment where she starts to yell and go crazy or whatever, right. And I recognize this is a moment. I might let that slide and when I say let it slide I don't mean not acknowledge the issue. I simply mean okay, let her get it out let her vent, all right. Now, once it's done remind her that listen, we're not doing that like that happened, that was a moment. We don't make that a consistent pattern, all right. So, we keep that there. I let you have that moment but we don't get to keep doing that because that's unhealthy. And if you feel like well, everyone should be able to just let... No, that's not how we do things here. Listen, everyone has to set the standard of what is acceptable in their relationship or acceptable in engaging with anyone. And again, this isn't just romantic relationship. My family knows, I don't argue. I don't argue with nobody.

You can disagree.

I disagree, but we're not arguing. What's the difference between disagreeing and arguing? Again, disagreeing is simply respectfully, calmly, and when I say calmly we can get passionate. But we don't get disrespectful, we don't get negative or toxic and we simply.

State our opposing beliefs.

You don't have an attitude that you're.

You'Re wrong and bad how could you think that?

Exactly, now again, that takes a lot of practice. It takes a lot of work depending on how you've grown up and what you've engaged in. But that has to be the goal, the goal and it's not so hard if we just practice and stick to practicing it. Like, we can't just keep making excuses for being all over the place and acting out of character. No, we have to set a certain standard and we have to adhere to that standard, all right. And if you can't okay, then we can't keep talking. and the story like I'm not going to entertain like even in social media, if someone leaves a negative comment I'm not answering that for what? I can recognize who are the people that just want to go back and forth with you. I'm not going to do that. I'm not arguing with you. I will state my case you either take it or you don't. That's it, speak your truth and leave it at that.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode. It was powerful and the next part of this is going to blow you away as well. If you enjoyed it, make sure to share this with someone that you think would be inspired by this, a friend, put it on social media, tag me and Stefan speaks as well, and leave us a review. What did you enjoy most about this episode? Share your thoughts in the review section over on Apple podcast, and make sure to subscribe over on Apple podcast and Spotify as well, or wherever you're listening to podcasts. And I want to leave you with a quote from Joyce Meyer who said, We can improve our relationships with others by leaps and bounds if we become encouragers instead of critics.

Whoo!

I know it's easy to criticize the partner you're with or judge someone and whoo, that is a recipe for disaster in relationships. So if you enjoyed this, stay tuned for part two coming very soon. Can't wait for you to learn more about mastering your relationships. And I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately, that you are so loved, you are so worthy, and you matter. I'm so grateful for you, my friend, and you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.