GRIEF AND SOBRIETY - Before I Forget Podcast - Episode 1
Lil Xan recounts his mother's suicide by overdose in July 2025 and how her death tested his four-year sobriety from benzos and opiates. He describes the discovery, the shock, and how her memory now keeps him clean, while reflecting on addiction and loss.
Chapters
Mic check, 1, 2, 1, 2. Hello everybody, uh, this always feels, you know, very awkward the first time I ever do anything, um, for the first time. Um, but yeah, how is everybody doing? Um, this is, I'll say, my attempt, or at least my first attempt at something a little different for me. Different, not very new or innovative in any field. It's a podcast. It's been beaten to death, you know. Everybody has a podcast nowadays, it seems like. But different in the sense of I don't really have, you know, I don't really have like a good idea yet of where I want to take this podcast. You know, I have a title for it. The title is called Before I Forget. You know, I think that's a very fitting title before I forget, you know? Hahaha! Lil Xan Sedatives used to be a drug addict, you know, probably forgot— got Zs on his face. You know, so, um, yeah, but the— I'll just give a little backstory of this whole thing. Uh, my good friend approached me, um, he was doing a little podcasting. I think he's been doing it for a while. Shout out to him, he's a good friend of mine. Um, and he reached out and said, yo, like, this is a lot of fun. I see, you know, you on TikTok, doing lives, talking, you know, to supporters, fans. And it seems like something you would, you know, be— or he asked, is this something that you would be interested in? And I was like, yeah, I'm down to give it a shot, you know. I think the hard thing about this is like most people, when they do a podcast or something, they have like a co-host or, you know, someone to like kind of bounce ideas back and forth, banter and, and whatnot, as this is just more of a, a solo dolo kind of thing, you know. Um, and I've never done anything really like this before. I mean, I've done a plethora of interviews and, and, you know, lots of media stuff. Yeah, you know, I was media trained way back in the day that I'm probably not even well-versed in media training anymore. I probably lost all my skills and whatnot. Um, yeah, but before I go off on a tangent, yeah, the podcast, I want to title it, uh, Before I Forget. Um, I think that's a very fitting name. And, um, if I ever release a book or self-memoir or some, some sort of compilation of ideas that have been in my head locked away, throw away the key, you know, for a long time. I hope to get that book out in the next few years, being realistic. But yeah, in the meantime, I am— I'm gonna do this. Yeah, and very DIY, do-it-yourself vibes, especially this first episode. So I apologize for that, but this is something that I kind of want to just learn as I go, you know, like I just went out and bought a mic and was like, yeah, let's, let's make this work. I think this, this can work. So I apologize if I'm a little awkward as this is the first time I've done something like this. You know, I'm used to someone asking me all types of crazy questions and just, you know, going off that. Um, and this is different. This is very different. I'll probably delete this one and honestly start again. Who knows? Um, but yeah, very DIY, do-it-yourself vibes for these, uh, first few episodes. Got the good old Mac Miller painting in the background. But oh yeah, also rest in peace to Mac Miller. My favorite artist. Um, rest in peace to all the artists that we lost. Um, it's off the top of my head: Lil Peep, Juice WRLD, Xan aka Diego Diego, Mac Miller. I, I, I could be here all day naming people, but you know, you know what I mean. Um, and yeah, very DIY, do-it-yourself vibes. The background will probably change many, many times. This is just the first and original iteration of it, you know, to people that are watching. Uh, funny enough, they actually asked me, the people that are helping me put this together, they were like, do you want to do, you know, a video podcast or just straight audio? Um, and I, I was, I was, I was kind of, you know, like, maybe I should just do audio, maybe that would be simpler and, and less, you know, awkward or something. But I just, you know, I like to take the harder route, so I opted for video and audio. But I'm kind of glad I did. I think it's cool to have that video aspect to a podcast. And yeah, like, again, this is just kind of something that I'm going to learn as I go. You know, I hope to get better at every every episode, you know, it's gonna be an episodic thing, I guess, like most podcasts. But before I get into, I guess, the meat of what I really want to talk about, uh, yeah, I want to give a little idea of kind of where I want to take this, you know, just random thoughts, and I guess what the podcast is, what it will be about. Um, I'm thinking for this first episode I wanted to call it Grief and Sobriety. Sobriety, grief, grief, sobriety, you know. But we'll get into that. I, I'm— yeah, I'm going off on a tangent. Um, I just want this podcast to be kind of like a self-memoir but in the form of just me speaking into this microphone and, you know, just thoughts that I might have at any given day, week, month, maybe thoughts that I've had for a long time about certain things, certain topics that, you know, I just never had a way of really expressing those things, you know. So yeah, I like to think that this podcast, the Before I Forget podcast, is just, yeah, it's that self-memoir book that I've always wanted to make, um, write, obviously, um, but just in the form of a podcast. And, you know, I think that's, I think that's kind of cool, you know. Um, I don't, you know, I don't expect everybody— some people might watch this and be like, or listen to this, however you, you know, take your media, and be like, oh, this sucks, Lil Xan sucks, we don't need a podcast, there's already too many podcasts out there. And to that I say, yeah, I agree. I think it's a very oversaturated market. But fuck it, you know, I don't even know if I can curse actually on it. I'm sure I can curse, but yeah, fuck it, you know what I mean? Something that I want to do. I think it's important, you know, to express oneself, you know, and Yeah, thank you guys for, you know, tuning in to watch this as awkward and ghetto and do-it-yourself as it may be in the beginning. Now, you know, I really hope to improve on it every episode. I hope to improve on my speaking ability. I hope to improve on Everything, set dressing. This is just like, again, I said it earlier, this is just the first iteration of it, you know. I hope to grow as a human being. I hope to, you know, let other people know that they're not the only ones going through certain struggles, whether it be anxiety or depression. All types of stuff, you know. But anyways, I've just been rambling. Um, Before I Forget podcast episode 1 is about grief and sobriety. And the reason that I wanted to, to do it, to do that as my first episode, was because, uh, back in July of this year, July 2025, Um, I unfortunately lost somebody very close to me. And, you know, I've lost a lot of people, um, in my life. I've lost best friends to violence. I've lost people to drugs, overdoses, um, anything you can name. Um, but this last July I unfortunately, uh, lost my mom, my wonderful mom. Shout out to Mom Candy, love you, miss you so much. Um, she was a wonderful mom, um, did everything she could raising me. I, I had a wonderful, uh, childhood. I, I just want to make that known. I'm very grateful and, and blessed because I know a lot of people don't have the luxury to say that they had a good childhood, you know. So I know that I'm just very grateful for my parents and my mom. Um, but the real kicker to losing my mom— I mean, anybody that loses their mom, that's devastating. Any parent, mom, father, um, mom, father. I see I'm messing up already. I'm messing up already, but we're gonna keep going through it. Mom and dad, um, I guess that is the same thing. Father, dad. Yeah, okay. Yeah, anyways, uh, just don't listen to that little tangent. Um, anyways, yeah, I lost my, um, mom to suicide actually. She, uh, she took her own life unfortunately. Um, and to give a little, I guess, backstory of, uh, my mom, wonderful person, miss you every day, Mom, is, uh, she was, she was dealing with a lot of pain, a lot. I'm trying to take this water, hold on. I told you there's going to be a lot of mess-ups in this, but we're doing it now. Um, but speaking of my mom, um, she, she was handicapped. She's been handicapped for the last, oh boy, I would say 10, 10 years. It feels like she, uh She was a carpenter, worked on— this is the story she always told me, I don't know— that she was a carpenter when she was younger, and she, uh, she really messed up her knees back when, um, she had that job. Um, but I also think it's just a lot of genetics. I, I worry that I'm gonna have problems. My knees are already starting to feel messed up and whatnot, so I'm like, oh no, is that, that the genetics coming up and creeping on me? Um, but yeah, she, uh, she suffered from a lot of medical issues that crippled her over time and, and really handicapped her after probably she turned— I would say after she turned probably 35, 40 is when it really started to go downhill for her. Um, you know, the doctors prescribed her opiates, Vicodin, And, um, if you ask me, like, I, I'm a firm believer that— and as a former drug addict that used to take opiates, I believe that some people on this earth really do need that medication. And my mom was one of those people. Again, that's a side story. I, I can do a whole episode on my opinions on that. Um, but yeah, my mom, um, over time just became handicapped And the pills just, they could only take you so far, you know. She wasn't an addict or anything of any sort. She was taking them as prescribed, as her doctor prescribed them. But they, you know, they just stop working after a certain point. And as a former addict, I can definitely attest they do stop working after a certain point. And that's why I had to take more and more. Um, again, that's another thing, but, um, yeah, so her quality of life really, especially at the end, the last 4, 5 years, her quality of life was really, really bad, you know? Um, and it's a sad thing. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. They have maybe a family member, a friend, anybody close to them that, you know, is struggling with some sort of medical issues or, you know, anything along the lines of that. And, and, you know, if you have experienced that, it, it's the hardest thing to watch somebody that you love so much suffer, you know, and there's nothing you can really do. Um, it's the saddest thing, the saddest thing that I've ever experienced. And, um, it just got to a point where her quality of life was just really, really bad. And, um, back in July, going back to this July of this year, um, I woke up one morning. I would always wake up because I, I take care of her. She is— she's lived with me since she lost mobility, basically. Um, so she's lived with me in every house that I've lived in for the last 8 years, which is a lot. I'm a nomad. I move houses insanely quick. I hate that. I would like to stay in one place for longer than a year. Um, but yeah, I take care of her, but the real credit is my dad. My dad is the real MVP in this story. He would come over and help me out and, um, Yeah, so it was a joint effort, me and my dad. I will say my dad probably did a lot more because he has history. He used to be like a private ambulance driver. So, you know, he had a lot of experience with, you know, handling handicapped people and people that were just had an array of different medical issues. So, you know, shout out to my dad. It's— I couldn't have taken care of my mom without his help. Um, yeah, so, you know, I love you, Dad, so much. And, um, anyways, I— there you— there I go off on a tangent again. I hope it's not— yeah, I hope this— I hope this looks good. I hope this is— this is going good. I hope it is. I think it is. Um, yeah, back to, you know, I forget the day, but I think it was July 15th, if, uh, if I'm not mistaken. I think it was July 15th. And, uh, I would always make my, my mom a cup of coffee in the morning. I would always go down there. She would be awake sometimes, sometimes she wouldn't, she'd be asleep. And, uh, I went down around 6 AM to make my mom a cup of coffee, take the dog out, and, um, I noticed that my mom was— she was snoring really loud. And the thing about my mom is she had really, really bad insomnia. Like, she could not— you know, she, she had to take med— like, she was prescribed sleeping medication, um, just to get like a few hours of sleep at night. And again, that just, that just goes back into the— her quality of life really at the end wasn't very good. Couldn't sleep, in a lot of pain from her knees, and she had just had surgery and, and whatnot. Um, yeah, I went down to make her a cup of coffee, and, um, she was snoring really loud, like the craziest kind of snoring. And I just remember being like, oh, that's so odd, because she has insomnia, you know, like she doesn't really sleep. I, I've seen her sleep sometimes, but it's It's, it's very 15 minutes here, 15 minutes there, an hour if, if she's lucky. Um, and I walked down, made her some coffee. Sorry, I'm drinking some water right now. Made her some coffee. And, um, and also I'm, I'm, I said drinking. I know you guys can see it, but I, I'd imagine some people just listen to this. I don't know how it's going to be put out, if I'm going to put audio only out, or anyways, back to the story. Just, you get what I mean. Um, yeah, so I made her a cup of coffee. I probably said that like 10 times now. And, um, yeah, I just, I just thought that was really weird, um, how loud she was snoring. And, um, so I went back upstairs. I, I, I thought it was weird, but I, I didn't think too much of it. I wish now with hindsight that, you know, I I don't think there was anything that I could have done at that point, but I just wish I— I don't know, you know. Anyways, I went back upstairs and, um, I hear my dad. My dad stopped by before work, and, um, next thing I know, I just hear him yell my name. It was, man, it was the most blood-curling, like, gut-wrenching. It was just, yeah, it was the craziest. Just, Diego, you know, I can't even do it. It was, it was disturbing, frightening, all the worst emotions. And the reason I felt that way was because the minute he screamed my name I, I knew. I— something deep down inside me, for some odd reason, it just clicked right then and there. I knew something. I didn't know what had happened, but I knew that she was in danger or something worse, you know. So I rushed down there. My dad— I hope— Dad, I'm sorry if you didn't ever want this story out there. I apologize. I should have talked to you before I did this, but I love you, Dad. I'm sure you'll be fine with this. Um, yeah, I'm sure you'll be fine. But yeah, I, I walked down there and, uh, my, my dad, he had, he had tears in his eyes and it brought, it brought tears to my eyes too. And he said, I can't wake her up, Diego. And I, I kid you not, I ran down there. I was down there so quick and he had already called the cops. The timing is so fuzzy in my head because I was only down there for a couple seconds and the paramedics or police or someone, fire department, where they were already busting through the door, like, but to give a little extra information, I live right down the street. This isn't the house I live in now. Thank God I got out of that house. Couldn't live in that kind of environment anymore. Um, but there was a fire station right down the street, so they got there very quickly. And, you know, the first thing they did was they— and at this point in my mind, I still don't know what's going on. I can tell that my mom is unconscious. And I mean, I know something, something is wrong. I can see it. They pull her off the— her bed. We had a makeshift bed downstairs just so we can take care of her more easy and make things more accessible. Um, and they, they pull her off and they start doing CPR, chest compressions. Um, and this is the real kicker because I'm so confused. I have tears in my eye. My dad has tears in his eye. I, I noticed that there's two empty pill bottles sitting on her table, and I, I find that weird. I just, I don't know, I just found that weird. So I go over to just see them. I'm in shock at this moment. I'm, I'm— they're performing CPR. They're trying to save her life at this point, you know, but I see these pill bottles over yonder and, uh, and I go and look at them and, uh, yeah, it's, it's the— they're both empty. They're both completely empty, which that was another red flag instantly. And, um, one of, one of them was for, I believe, Vicodin, and, um and the other one was for her sleeping medication. And, uh, I, I don't know what type of sleeping medication it was, but I, I know it was one of the stronger ones, one of the stronger types of sleeping medications, um, that they have, you know. I'm just from what she had told me, um, her insomnia was really bad, obviously. And they're empty. And, you know, I don't know if they're supposed to be empty. Maybe they are supposed to be empty. Maybe she needs refills. But I, anyways, I bring them over to my dad, tears in my eye. He's freaking out. I'm freaking out. And I'm like, Dad, like, are these supposed to be empty? You know, there's already a police— there's multiple police officers already in the room trying to ask us questions. It's crazy. Like, they're literally pumping her chest and CPR, and the cops are just asking questions. I get that it's their job and whatnot, but it's just, I feel like they at least could have waited till the ambulance took her. Um, but no beef, no beef. They're just doing their jobs, you know. And I asked my dad, I'm like, you know, are these supposed to be empty? And he said, because he picks up her medication, you know, she can't walk obviously. And he said, no, no, Diego, I just got those refills for her from the pharmacy yesterday. And at that moment, yeah, at that moment I knew. I knew what had happened, you know. I knew, you know, I love my mom to death, um, but she, she had talked about wanting to not, you know, be around much longer. Um, and it was, it was only because of the excruciating amount of pain that she was in. Um, but you know, me and my dad always used to tell her like, stop, you know, we're gonna find a way, we're gonna, we're gonna try to get, you know, a new doctor to recommend new options, new surgeries. Um, just, you know, anything. We, we really tried to talk her down, you know, or not even talk like that, not even, you know, bring that vibe around, you know. We'd comfort her, but we just, you know, we just try to be like, no, you're gonna be here another 20, another 30 years, you know. Um, yeah, but so at that moment when my dad said that he had just refilled the, uh, the prescription I was already crying. My dad was already crying. Um, it just, it all clicked. And going back, I guess, to when I first went downstairs to make her that cup of coffee and the snoring that I heard, she was already gone. You know, I've, I've looked into it. I, I even didn't even need to look into it afterwards, but I did. But I already knew what it was. It's, you know, when someone is in their last moments. They're something— their lungs are— something's going on. I don't know what, I'm not a doctor, but something's going on to where they're just gasping for any type of air, last breath, something like that. And that's what I was hearing when I went down to make her a cup of coffee. So I've talked to people about it, the people that know way more, and they said there's nothing I could have done. Even if I would have— it would have clicked at that moment, like let's just say it's 15 minutes before my dad got there, people have— a lot of people have told me it was already too late because the quantity of medication that she took, it was 90. She had, she had just got the refill. You know, given it was 90, 90 Vicodin 10 milligram pills, and it was something like 90 sleeping pills. And you know, they have Narcan. Narcan will save your life. You know, I used to carry Narcan around with me. I never had to use it, thank God on me, but I used to carry it around just, just in case. Um, and they tried to give her Narcan, but I think what really took her out, uh, was the, the 90 sleeping pills. It was either 60 or 90, um, something. But still, regardless, it was an— it was an insane amount of sleeping pills. Um, and yeah, she, she was gone the minute I walked down there. I was just hearing the last moments of her body, you know. Uh, it's a horrible thing to, to think about. And, um, yeah, she, she, uh, well, the ambulance took her away at that point. Um, the ambulance took her away and my dad followed. Um, there wasn't enough room for me, but I just, I needed to stay back because in my head I, I knew she hadn't made it. I already knew. Um, but anyways, the ambulance takes her Hour later, my dad calls me crying, obviously crying, saying she didn't make it. And that was— that really hit, even though I knew that she— in my heart, I knew that she didn't make it. Just to hear it from my dad and it to just be real and really sink in. Yeah, there was— it was, yeah, it was the worst moment of my life. It really was. Um, you know, I, I was a mama's boy. My first tattoo, somewhere on here, Candy. My first tattoo. My hair is all long, can't see it right now. Um, you know, I loved my mom. Um, I was a big mama's boy, loved her to death, and, um Yeah, she passed away, I believe. Yeah, July 15th was the day. And, um, just to give a little— obviously I should have talked about this part in the beginning, but I've been sober for almost 4 years now, going on 4 years, about 3 years. Excuse me. Yeah, almost 4 years sober off of, um, benzos, you know, Xanax, and, um opiates and whatnot. Um, so yeah, it was just, um, very familiar, very familiar thing, you know, that, that she, she died of an intentional, an intentional overdose, you know, something that could have killed me back in the day, you know, on accident, but, but she did it on purpose. And that's what I really— that's what I wanted to make this first episode about, was like, I guess, how does that affect my sobriety? You know, like losing someone you love so much, like your mom. It could be anybody. Like, again, I said I've lost very close people besides my mom in the past, but nobody as big as my mom until, you know, that was the biggest one. Um, and you know, I do live streams on TikTok and people ask me amazing questions on there. Shout out to all the good people over on TikTok, you guys are amazing. You ask again amazing questions. And, um, somebody, I forgot who, I wish I knew who, somebody asked me, um, how does, how does losing your mom, especially in that type of manner "how does that, you know, affect your sobriety? Like, does it make you, like, does it make you want to go out and use, you know, and get pills and get, you know, high off your ass just to deal with the pain and to numb it?" And, you know, I thought that was a great question. I really did. I thought it was an amazing question. And it gave me the idea to— it gave me the idea for, you know, this topic and this episode, Episode 1, you know. And it just— yeah, I just started thinking grief and sobriety, you know, that's a very interesting thing to me. But to answer that person's question, yeah, I did. I, you know, it's tricky being a recovering addict. You know, I, I have good months where I'm like, I don't really think about, you know, the old days, benzos, drugs anymore, opiates. And then I have worse months where I don't relapse. I haven't relapsed in almost, again, for almost 4 years I've been sober. Um, but I still do have some months that are worse than others when it comes to, you know, thinking about narcotics. And I've kind of accepted that it'll probably be, you know, maybe I'll get better as time goes on, but it'll always be a part of me, whether, you know, not necessarily having to relapse or anything. But there are times where I think about, damn, like, that stuff used to make me feel so good, you know. It used to take my anxiety, my stresses away, and that right now after my mom passing is exactly what I need. Like, I am hurting, I am going through it, and I know what will make me feel better, and that's a Xanax or, you know, um, a Percocet or something. Um, but the, the— thank— thankfully, I will say it's only been in my mind, you know. I haven't acted on it, um, and you know, I will say it's not hard for me to not act on it because as hard as it was losing my mom— loved her to death— the, the most comparable, I will say, thing, maybe even tied with losing my mom, maybe even worse than losing my mom was the life I had when I was a drug addict. When I was addicted to pills, all types of opiates and benzos, my life was tragic. It was horrible. It made me the worst version of myself, even though I couldn't see that I was the worst version of myself. Feel that I was the worst version. I felt like I was God. I felt like I was, you know, I, I like lightning, you know, I felt like amazing. But after being sober and seeing videos and, and all types of stuff of when I was using, it's horrible. It's— it ruined my life. It, it ruined every aspect of my life. It, it stunted me from growing, you know, from maturing. Um, it ruined every one of my relationships, whether it was a relationship or a friendship at the time. Um, it, it ruined everything. Yeah, it, it, it was horrible. It was absolutely horrible. Not to mention, it almost killed me. I had a bunch of seizures from the benzos and whatnot. So not only was it ruining every aspect of my life. It almost took my life. And, you know, so I'll say, yeah, even though I thought about it, especially right after my mom passed, I thought, you know, man, that would make my life a lot easier for the time being. You know, I could use it as a crutch, and it was all just in my head. You know, I knew better. I knew, no, it's not worth it. My mom, especially my mom, God rest her soul, she wouldn't want me. She wouldn't want me to relapse and to go back down that path, you know. And to be honest, I wouldn't make it very long if I did. I wouldn't make it very long. And, um, and I like to look at it like I have a new guardian angel in the form of my mom, you know. She always believed in me. She always had the best advice. As moms do. Um, and it would be really disappointing if, um, if I was to, to relapse and to, um, and to go back down that path. She wouldn't want that. I've, you know, she wouldn't want that. I don't want that. You know, I don't want that. She doesn't want that. It's not something I would ever want for myself. Um, You know, and I've grown up. I've grown up a lot over the, the last few years that I've been sober, you know. And, um, yeah, it feels really good to, uh, to tell that story. I've been wanting to tell that story via some, via through some sort of media, whether, whether it was like a TikTok video or, um, something. But I feel like, yeah, that this podcast thing, for this first episode at least, I'll probably talk about it down the road, uh, in other episodes too. But I just feel like, you know, other people, I hope it helps. Anything that I said about what I said, I, I hope it helps, you know, because I'm not gonna lie, like, I'm still, I'm still a little depressed. Um, with the whole losing my mom, it only happened back in July, you know, it's very fairly recent. Um, I have gotten a lot better since it happened, but you know, I'm working on myself. Um, you don't need to be addicted to drugs to obviously not be depressed sometimes. I think, I think everybody gets a little depressed every now and then, or maybe it's just me, I don't know. Um, No, yeah, I like to think that everybody goes through their own battles, you know, whether it's, you know, I used to have anxiety. Anxiety used to plague my life, but I overcame anxiety. I still have anxiety, but it's more internal than external, you know, if that makes sense. I still have it, but, um, yeah, you know, I'm still here and I want to, you know, I want to help as many people as I can, whether it's through music, through me just speaking through this microphone, going on tangents of my thought process, and, you know, like, whatever it takes, you know. And, you know, I appreciate everybody watching and listening. I know it's a very It's a very— like I said, it's ghetto. This is the— this is the early days, you know what I mean? It's gonna just stick around, stick around. It's gonna turn into something better, but humor me, you know what I mean? This is the beginning, the DIY. I think the camera might even be a little crooked. Who cares? We'll, we'll fix it down the road. Um, but yeah, I wanted to make this first episode— actually, I wanted to do it a little I wanted to end it a little quicker, but I kind of got caught up talking. I love that though. I, you know, the longer the— oh, pause, that was gonna sound crazy. See, now I'm messing up at the end of this. My dad's laughing listening to this right now, like, what are you doing? Um, but yeah, um, yeah, thank you guys for listening to that story. Um, again, I want to title this podcast Before I Forget I think that's a very, again, fitting name. Um, and you know, I, I'm, I, for future episodes, I was gonna do it for this episode, but I don't have it ready in time. Um, but the next episode I'm gonna have an email that I, that I say in the podcast. Um, or maybe I'll put out, I'll put out the email somewhere on social media, uh, before the next episode to Um, but I'm gonna create an email for this podcast where you guys can email me questions. And, um, I like to answer whether it's in the beginning, middle, end. I, I like to answer them on the podcast because you guys really do ask amazing questions anytime given the chance. And, um, yeah, I think that would be really dope to answer people's questions, whatever they might have. I'm here for it. I love it. Um, so be on the lookout for an email. Um, yeah, that's gonna be fun. I really do love reading your guys's, uh, questions. And, uh, before I, before I end this and get off, I want to say I love you, Dad. I appreciate you so much. And again, I'm sorry if, uh, some of this you wanted to remain a little bit more private, but you know your son is, uh, very, very outspoken and a very open book. That's kind of been sober or not sober, I've always been that way. I'm always, I'm always spilling the beans, you know what I mean? Um, but just know I love you, Dad. Um, and yeah, I hope you, you are okay with, with, you know, what, what transpired. But you're— he's an amazing dad, you know. Everybody go hug your moms and your dads, sisters and brothers, uh, close ones, because you never know how how much more— how much time you have left with people, you know. Um, just make the best of it. And, um, yeah, thank you guys for listening and watching. I hope it was bearable. Um, I'm gonna get better at this though, I promise. I'm gonna get better. But thank you guys. Um, Before I Forget podcast, episode 1, uh, sobriety, grief, or maybe grief, sobriety. I don't know, but hope everybody has a wonderful night. I'm recording this currently at 4:16 AM. I'm a night owl, you know, but I love you guys and, uh, I'll catch you on the next one.
