HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES IN LIFE // 4 Steps to Protecting Yourself, Your Time and Your Relationships

What's going on? Welcome back to my channel. Healthy boundaries are so important. They're a huge part of having healthy, functioning relationships, being productive, getting things accomplished and having good interactions with other people, but also having a good sense of self and self worth and self esteem, sense of well being. Your boundaries are a practice. They're not necessarily. Boundaries are about you. Setting boundaries is all about self respect. So yes, we need to communicate our boundaries to other people, but ultimately it's on you. You teach people how to treat you and healthy boundaries help us do that and have those really good relationships and interactions in our daily. So these four steps or ways to set healthy boundaries when I'm working with a client are to define the boundary, communicate the boundary, don't over explain the boundary and what is the consequence if it's crossed or whatnot. So let's break it down briefly so that this is something that you can start to implement in your life and in your relationships. But just remember, it's a practice when we don't set boundaries. And then all of a sudden people are like, cool, got it. They're always going to test our boundaries and test their limits. Not because they're malicious, but just because again, we teach people how to treat us. So if you're new to setting boundaries, the people around you, even your family and friends, aren't used to it. So it might be something that other people are going to have to get used to as well. But even yourself, if you're not setting boundaries, this is going to be a foreign topic for you and going to be a little uncomfortable. But ultimately it's a practice and we only get better with that practice. So the first step is to define the boundary. You don't know what to work on if you don't know what to work on. So the first thing is to be able to identify it and define what's going on, what the issue is and what that boundary needs to be. If it might mean, okay, I get to work at 8:15, 9:00', clock, my door is closed and nobody is coming in because from 9 to 10 o' clock I have to answer emails, answer phone calls, return voicemails or whatnot. Or it might mean, I'm getting up at 5:30 every morning and from 5:30 to 6:30am that is my time. I have my coffee, I do my workout, I read 10 pages of a book and then I take care of my family or I get my kids up or whatever that is. But you have to look at your life, figure out what's not working. And define clearly define what that boundary is or what that new boundary is. You can't work on what you haven't defined clearly. And I stress that because you can't just say, I'm going to have better boundaries with my calendar or with my time or with my emotions. We don't understand what that means. And we also can't teach other people in our lives how to respect that because it's not clearly defined. So define the boundary, figure out what it is, and really make it clear. I'm going to do xyz. This is the box in which this task exists. What is the boundary? And be able to really have clarity around what it is. The second step is to communicate it. If other people are involved in it might mean a sign on your door that says, please do not disturb. It might mean telling your spouse and your kids, look, from this time to this time, I need to get work done or I need to work out or this is what I'm going to do in the morning. Here's my plan. Once you've clearly defined what the boundary is, then communicate it to the people who need to know so that they can understand what you're doing. This step not only lets people know what's happening, but it can help us avoid future arguments. Because if I've clearly laid out this is my plan for the day, and then everybody else that's involved in my life is like, but this and this and this. And I'm like, look, I told you this is what I need to get done. I've already told them. So then I can figure out like what the rest of that communication and conversation looks like. So, so you have to define it. And then the people who matter or need to know about that boundary that you're working on, then you figure out a way to communicate it to them. An email, a text, a conversation. These tough conversations, sometimes they can feel really foreign if you're not used to having them. But I promise you, when you can learn to have these tough conversations, especially about your boundaries, you do start to stop these future arguments and you learn how to communicate. But not having tough conversations, especially when it like, involves your boundaries, is never going to help. And the third step is don't over explain it. Yes, communicate the boundary that you have defined clearly for your life. But also don't justify it. Don't over explain it. Don't say, so here's my plan and I really hope you're going to understand. And please just let me do this because I really want to don't do that. Boundaries. When we set boundaries, they're about learning how to not over explain what we're trying to work on. So part of setting boundaries is also not over explaining, not justifying what we're trying to do. Sure, your spouse or your partner or the people around you that you're communicating with might need to know a little more detail. But don't think that you have to make excuses or justify or over explain everything that you're trying to do in life. If you're clear and you tell people what you're trying to work on and they respect you, they're going to respect you. End of conversation. Again, it's not going to be easy or simple in the beginning, but the more you do this with practice, the better you're going to get and the less you're going to feel compelled to over explain yourself. People, when they start to have these conversations, when they start to set boundaries, we feel this like compelling need to explain everything we're doing. And the more you can temper that, the better off you are. Because part of setting boundaries is not feeling like you have to over explain everything in your life. And then the fourth way or step to setting boundaries is the consequence. And I don't mean shame, shame, shame on you, you crossed boundary. I mean, why is this important? If you're looking at your calendar and you're like, from 9 to 10am I need to answer emails and return voicemails and I'm going to put a sign on my door and I'm going to let my co workers know, hey, please don't disturb me. And then they try to, I need to go back to them and say, hey, I'm really working on this. This is really important because I'm trying to be more productive in this 9 to 10am time period. I need you to not knock on my door or call me or Text me until 10:15am or whatever it is, it's okay to let people know that they've infiltrated your schedule or they've crossed a boundary. Obviously, if there's an emergency, we know there's situations that come up, but for the most part, the part that people miss when they set boundaries or when they're learning to set boundaries is then to go back to other people and say, hey, this went wrong. This is why this is important. The next time this happens, I'm still not going to answer my door or call you back because I'm really focused. In this time slot or whatever you're working on, you have to figure out what you need to communicate to the people around you, but figure out what that consequence is. And again, I don't mean it like we're not friends anymore because you keep knocking on my door at 9:30 and I've already told you now, when you start to set boundaries, some people might have a hard time with this. They might be like, oh, you don't have time for me anymore, or oh, all of a sudden you're too busy, or oh, all you think about is yourself. That's not the case. They're just used to being part of your life whenever they want. Setting boundaries helps us have healthy, functioning relationships. And there are some people who might not respect it. And those are the people that you might have to reevaluate how much time you spend with them, what that relationship looks like. But for the most part, give people the benefit of the doubt and communicate with them through these steps as you're setting your boundaries. And then if it becomes a problem down the line, those are other conversations that you might need to have with yourself and that person. Usually as we start to practice setting boundaries, people who care about us tend to respect it. Once they learn, oh, she's not kidding, or he's really focused on that goal, I really want to give him his space, or whatever. It looks like setting boundaries protects you and it protects other people. It helps you have like a framework and structure in your life, in your calendar, in your relationships, in your family, physical space. It reinforces what we will and will not tolerate from other people and ourselves. So when I'm working with a client, just for a quick example, one of the first things we talk about in our first session is confidentiality. What I can and cannot tell other people, what I will and will not discuss with a parent or if there's somebody else, like, dealing with their account. We talk about scheduling appointments, and when I give them my work cell phone, we talk about how they can reach me and what the boundaries are around reaching me outside of session and what they need to do. So even when I'm meeting with a client in the professional environment, I'm really clear what those boundaries are. And I can say, in the many years that I've been in private practice, nobody has really overstepped because they're pretty clear. And if somebody calls me or, or texts me in a time where I can't answer, or in a time kind of outside of business hours where I've already told them I'm not likely to answer, I don't answer. And then when I get back to them later on. I'm like, hey, I was with my family. Just remember, here's the hours that you can reach me. I reinforce what they need to know. So it's really important for me as a professional to set those boundaries for my clients when I. Because it's important for them to understand how to respect their time in session, how to respect their relationship with me. But then it teaches them how to do this in their life because they're practicing in the relationship with me as their therapist. If you're struggling with boundaries and you're thinking, I know I have poor boundaries, I just don't know what to do about them. Just ask yourself what irritates me, what is bothering me right now? And that will start to help you figure out what's the area of life that's maybe causing you some problems, what's a relationship that's causing you some issues. And then you can go through defining it and communicating it and not over explaining yourself and why you need to continue to reinforce what this boundary is. But if you know you struggle with boundaries and you're not sure where to start, just ask yourself, what's irritating me right now? What's causing me some stress with my interactions with other people? Or am I not getting things done in my life? And what am I maybe not doing well that I could set some boundaries around so that I could feel more accomplished at the end of the day? Boundaries are so important for having healthy, functioning relationships with the people in your life, but also having a solid, really healthy relationship with yourself. Setting boundaries is a practice, so don't stress out if it doesn't go well in the beginning. Always ask for help and support, and just remember, the more you do it, the better you're gonna get. But nobody really jumps out of the gate trying to set boundaries, and it goes off without a hitch. It's usually something that we're not taught, that we need to learn and work on. So you'll only get better with practice. And I will see back here next Wednesday with another video.