Lori Streator explains why phrases like "calm down" and "it'll be fine" backfire with anxious people. Instead, listen without judgment, ask what they need, and validate that their feelings are real. Presence matters more than solutions.
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If somebody's standing in the rain, you're not going to say to them, hey, you should probably get an umbrella. They probably know that. So if somebody has anxiety, there's not a perfect thing to say to them. But there are definitely things that we maybe could say better or should steer clear of what's going on. Welcome back to my Channel. A lot of what I teach are skills and coping skills and techniques and suggestions and if you're struggling with anxiety. But one of the big pieces that we forget is what if you're somebody who has a loved one who is struggling with anxiety? And there are often things that we do in response to somebody who is struggling that we mean with the best intention, that we mean with the biggest heart that we have, but that might not actually be helpful. So I want to talk today about things, things not to say to somebody with anxiety. Now, it's worth pointing out that somebody who struggles with anxiety is already struggling. They really don't need you to say the right or the perfect thing. They often just need to have you listen or hear them out or just sit there with them or maybe make a suggestion. But I promise you, they're not looking for the perfect answer. They just want to feel like they're not alone. And that's a big thing that as a loved one or a friend or a coworker that we forget. We're always wanting to help and give the right answer or make sure that we make the best suggestion. But sometimes it's a lot of just, I hear you. I can imagine that that's really difficult. It's not us coming up with the answer to their problems. One of the biggest things that we don't want to do as a friend or a loved one who's trying to help somebody or just be there for somebody with anxiety is minimize their feelings. If you don't understand anxiety yourself, it's okay. You don't have to get hit by a bus to know that it hurts. You don't have to fully understand what they're going through to be able to validate their feelings and just let them feel heard. But. But what we don't want to do is minimize their feelings with phrases like, it'll be fine. You're just worrying too much. You're just an overthinker. Don't worry about it. All of those things that make that person with the anxiety or with those anxious feelings make them feel belittled or make them feel like those feelings don't matter because they're very real to them. Even if you don't understand it yourself, or. Or you don't struggle with anxiety, or that's not something that you've ever experienced, or you're just not a worrier and you're a pretty calm person just because you haven't been there yourself, don't inadvertently make them feel like what they're experiencing isn't a big deal. We are trying to calm them down. We want to be there for them. We don't want to see the people that we care about in pain or struggling. But it's not a good thing that to minimize it or make them feel like their feelings don't matter because they're very real in the moment. And 10 bucks says if somebody's struggling with anxiety or panicking about something or worrying about something, their sense of feeling things is very heightened. So for somebody to say, it's fine, don't worry about it, that's like telling a drowning person who doesn't know how to swim, just swim, you'll be okay. If. If they could swim, they would. But if you throw them a life ring and you tell them it'll be okay, I'm here for you, that's a lot different than just being like, it's fine, just swim. Somebody who's struggling with anxiety, if you tell them it's fine, it'll turn out. They know eventually that hopefully that feeling is gonna go away. But in the moment when they're struggling or in the moment when they're worrying about something in their life, those feelings are very real, they're very big, and they're very valid. So to minimize them and is not helpful. And we really need to be careful about that. So very specific things like, calm down, you're being silly, you're just overthinking, you're a worry wart, you're just being dramatic. It's all in your head. Statements like that minimize somebody's feelings in general, but especially somebody who's struggling with anxiety. So be very careful about the words and the phrases that you're using. If somebody is expressing their feelings to you, if somebody is saying they're really worried about something or you're seeing them experience a panic attack or something, be there for them, be there with them, support them, but don't try to convince them that it's going to be okay, because I promise you, in the moment, they're probably not going to believe you, because what they're experiencing is super big, and it's very real and it's very valid. So just being able to Be there with them. Whatever the level of anxiety is, is going to be a really important thing to do. So don't use things like you're just being silly, you're just being dramatic. You've always been this way. All of the things that could kind of belittle their feelings or minimize them or make them feel like what they're experiencing is crazy or not real or not important. If you have a loved one or a friend who struggles with anxiety, if you can't relate to them, be honest, it's okay. We're not looking for the perfect or the best or the right answer. Sometimes a good answer is, I've really never experienced anything like that. I can't imagine how difficult it is. Do you want to talk about it? Let them know that you have no idea what they're experiencing. Experiencing. Not that it's not a big deal, but let them know that you don't get it. Be honest that you don't understand and give them just a place to talk. But it's okay to let somebody who's struggling know that you don't fully get it. Somebody who's struggling would rather you be honest instead of you just trying to, like, blow smoke or make something up. Be real and be honest that you don't. You don't know. You can say, I truly don't know how you feel right now. Do you want to talk about it? Or is there something you need? Or what would you like me to do for you right now in a I don't know what you're experiencing. What can I do to help you, to support you, to be there for you? If you don't know what to say? Sometimes telling somebody that you don't know what to say is the best thing that you can say. So don't forget that honesty is. Is always important when it comes from a good, genuine, loving place. I just want to make it really clear. I don't want you to feel pressured to say the right thing. Most often as humans, we just want to feel heard. We want to feel like we're not alone, that people support us. And even if they don't have something to offer, that they're willing to hear us out, that they're willing to just listen. So if you don't have anything to offer, the conversation, just remind them that you're hearing them and that you're there to listen. We just, as humans, want so badly for people to hear us that that is sometimes what can make the biggest difference. So don't feel pressured to come up with some grand answer or feel like you have to be their therapist. When it comes to mental health, it's okay to let people know that you're uncertain, or that you don't know how to help them, or that you don't know what to do. Always, always, always be honest. Let them know you truly don't understand. Then ask them what you can do to help them. But just make sure. If you're a loved one or a friend and you know somebody who's struggling with anxiety, it's okay. Take the pressure off yourself to say the right thing and just hear them out. That can sometimes make the biggest difference. You being their friend or their loved one and just being there to support them is generally a lot of what they need.
