How to Tell If Someone Is Love Bombing You | Rewind

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On the under $3 menu at McDonald's, a McChicken is $2 because when you're craving a McChicken, you deserve a McChicken. And now that McChicken is just $2. Limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher for delivery. How do you spot a love bomber? Is the person you're seeing right now love bombing you, or are they just some sort of wonderful romantic that you should be throwing yourself into the arms of and enjoying all of the beautiful feelings that are being created? Well, let's perhaps first define a love bomber. A love bomber is a sort of love vampire. They know that love is both the objective and the weapon. The objective, because love is that feeling they're trying to get, and it could be different forms of love. It could be making love, it could be sex, or it could be the giddy feelings that they really enjoy in the early stages of a relationship, treating you like you're some sort of fresh canister of love to be used up like an aerosol. And then when you're running empty, they move on to the next person and get the giddy feeling all over again. They use love as a weapon because the way that they create those giddy feelings is to give them to you, is to give a huge amount of energy and investment early on to tell you very grandiose, dramatic things about how wonderful you are about how strong their feelings are. They do things that aren't earned at the level of relationship you're at with them, all in pursuit of a stage of connection that is not organic to where you are right now. It's kind of a hack, isn't it? If I can get you to fall in love really quickly, if I can get you to feelings of love really quickly, then you'll start doing for me the kinds of things that you wouldn't normally do this early in the game. Which might mean more attention, more sex, more investment, or just a portrait of myself that feeds that feeling I want to get about how wonderful I am. If I can make you fall in love really quickly, then I get to feel awesome. I get to prove yet again that another person has fallen for me this hard, which is especially desirable in people who don't feel enough themselves. If they can make you fall in love, then it's the latest representation, the latest evidence for the fact that I am enough. The problem, of course, with someone like this is because they don't feel enough, because they are in pursuit of something that can never be achieved that way. It's never enough. So your love is never enough. They will keep searching for it and searching for it and searching for it. Even if you give it to them, they still won't feel good enough. They still won't feel whole. So they start looking for elsewhere, and the cycle continues. This is a very dangerous person to be around. Not every love bomber is incredibly conscious about the fact that they're doing it. I would actually argue that in the real world, it's not filled with these malicious love bombers. I would say that in real life, there are lots of people who don't realize that this is their pattern of behavior. I think that a lot of people use someone up and then move on to the next person because they don't feel satisfied at the end of it, and they think that what they're looking for must be available in the form of a different person. So they keep doing the same thing over and over again, hurting people deeply, breaking people's hearts, and not being able to fix the pattern of behavior in themselves in the process. But this video isn't about empathizing with that kind of person, who I do still believe deserves empathy. It's about protecting you. From that kind of energy that can not only waste incredible amounts of your energy and time, but can leave real wounds that you then have to heal from. I wanted to give you 3 tests in this video that will allow you to know if the person you're seeing right now is a love bomber or someone who can make you happy. Test number 1: Is the level of attention you're getting from this person, or the words they're saying, organic to where you're actually at with this person. If you go on a date with someone and all of a sudden they're writing you poetry and saying these very grandiose things, if they're going well out of their way for you in ways that feel like, my God, why are they doing all of this? You know, or they say things about their feelings for you or about how incredible you are when you know you don't even know me that well. I, I can't possibly feel accepted and loved by you when you only know a tiny slither of who I am. If that's the case, then we have to have our wits about us, because what we're receiving from someone is not based on us. It's based on a projection of who someone thinks we are, or of who they've decided we are, so that they can feel a certain way. It doesn't mean we're not wonderful, It just means at this stage, how they feel, or how they're saying they feel, can't possibly be personal on the deepest level, because they don't know us on the deepest level. The danger with a projection like this is we're not safe. Their feelings aren't based on a real connection. It's based on something they want to feel, and it won't be until they actually get to know us that will know whether that feeling is sustainable or not. Now look, is it true that some people are just romantics? Some people just, you know, they're more flowery in their language. They feel intensely and they want to express it. Sure. And that doesn't always come with bad intentions. It's also true, by the way, that some people are insecure and they want to go out of their way to make you happy or to please you because they want you to like them. While what you're experiencing from them might be an indicator of how they're feeling right now, it's not a good predictor of whether that feeling is going to last once they actually get to know you. What this point proves, if anything, is that when someone moves at an inorganic pace, it doesn't necessarily mean they're a love bomber. But there is a way, if you're starting to feel uneasy about the pace of things, that you can confirm whether they're a love bomber, and that is with test Number 2, do they react badly when you try to slow it down? If you feel the pace is too fast for you and you say that to them, "Hey, I like you, I'm having a great time, but I feel like this is a little fast for me," or, "I wanna get to know you a little better before that," or, "Before we take a trip together," or, "Before we do some of the things you're suggesting," or, "I don't have every night this week to see you. I'm gonna see my friends and I have other things I'm gonna do this week," 'But I'd love to see you on Saturday.' If you say those things, how do they react? Do they get angry? Bad sign. Are they frustrated? Bad sign. Or do they just not listen? Do they say, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can go slower, that's no problem. But, you know, I really, really want to see you. Why don't we go to Italy this weekend?' In which case, you know, they're not listening at all. Now, the reason they're getting angry or frustrated or not listening is because they want a feeling. That's what they're in the market for. They're not in the market for a real relationship which is built on listening to someone, which is built on an organic progression of getting to know each other better. They are in it for the feeling. They're like a junkie wanting their fix. Don't get in the way of my fix, and if you do, you're going to be the target of my frustration and my anger. Test number 3: they don't apply The basic rule of invest in who invests in you. Now let me explain this. I have said for years to people, if you want to protect yourself in love, don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in a person based on how much they invest in you. Investing in someone based on how much you like them is a recipe for masochism. When someone is investing in you and you not investing on that same level, doesn't make them say, "You know what, I'm gonna settle down a bit because I'm probably coming in a little hot for them. I'm gonna meet them where they are." If it doesn't make them do that, if they continue with their love offensive of bombarding you with all of their grandiosity and their big words and their big gestures, in spite of the fact that you're not giving the same to them, then it's not the result of a genuine mutual connection. It's them trying to get something. Think about it. When a guy approaches a woman cold in a bar, in a coffee shop, in any part of life, for most men, that's a little scary. It's not the easiest thing in the world. It's actually a very normal, natural thing for a guy to feel some fear about approaching someone because he doesn't want to get rejected. The kind of guy that goes through life brazenly approaching everyone with zero fear, it could be seen as ultimate confidence, or it could be seen as a sign of something else, a kind of level of detachment, an ability to just see someone as a target, and it's just about the result. But I don't even care if I get rejected because I'm not even connected to it in that way. And ladies, you can tell me in the comments if this bears out for you when you look at your history and guys that have been that way. Did it turn out to be a bit of a red flag that they had absolutely zero fear in the beginning about talking to you? That they didn't take no for an answer? Did that turn out to be something to worry about? My guess is in several situations in your life, it did. Well, you can think about the love bomber in the same way. A healthy relationship is one where someone tries and the other person tries and they go, "Oh, that was nice. That's been rewarded. This person feels the same way. I'm gonna keep trying." If you're in a situation where someone goes, "I'm gonna do all of this for you," and then you go, "Hmm." If they then keep going, "I'm gonna keep doing all of this for you," that's not a sign of a real or a healthy connection. And if they're not even— if they don't even feel rejected, by you not giving as much, then they don't have that normal kind of skin in the game. What they're trying to do is just bombard you, bombard you, bombard you, bombard you. And if they don't get what they want from you, they'll simply go and get it from the next person. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I do not take it for granted. I also wanted to let you know another way that we can connect each week, um, because there is a private email that I send every Friday to those who have signed up for it. For me, it's a way that I can stay connected to all of you between episodes. The newsletter is called The Three Relationships, and basically each week I share something to help you improve in one of the three big relationships in your life: your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself, or your relationship with life itself. These three relationships are are the basis of an amazing life. People tell me that they look forward to this email every single Friday. It's not the kind of email they skip. So if you want to join us, go to the3relationships.com and you can sign up for free. That's the number 3, by the way, not the word three. So the3relationships.com. Thank you for listening. Take care and keep showing up for yourself in your life. I'll see you in the newsletter.

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