In-Laws: Love, Tension, and Too Many Opinions

Hi, I'm Matthew Greger.

And I'm Nancy Greger.

We have this new podcast called "We Should Probably Edit This...

But We Won't." Hi. Hello. So, um... What is this, episode 4?

Episode 4.

Episode 4.

You want to just make sure you lean into this a little bit.

Lean into it.

Yes, when you want to say something. So, hi. So this episode's—

What's the name of our podcast?

They already know it. So there's an intro. No, there's an introduction to it.

Oh, there's an intro.

Yeah, we don't need— we can just go right into talking.

Oh, we can go. Okay, okay.

We are— we should probably edit this, but we won't.

Okay, so today's topic is what?

In-laws. Oh, because it could be considered outlaws too.

Not necessarily. No, all kinds of in-laws, right?

Yes. Father-in-law, mother-in-law, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law. All the laws.

All the laws. Yes. Okay, wow, what a hot topic.

Well, I'm going to start off by just saying that we all come from different backgrounds and different ways of thinking, and we can't choose who—

you can't choose your family.

Yeah, you can't choose your family.

And some, some, some families and marriages you marry into.

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah, but I am— but we all come from different backgrounds, and sometimes we forget that when we have conversations, when we get to know people, when we get to know them.

I don't, I don't think it has anything to do with our different backgrounds. It's just the choices that your person makes is the choice that you make for yourself. It's not— you don't— I don't put into my mind when I married you, oh, what my mom and dad were going to think, or what my brother was going to to think. That never even was a consideration. You don't realize that until you're married and you get interference, or you get comments, or you get, uh, other aspects to it. But who they are and how you were raised, I don't think has anything to do with the choice you made. We made a decision that we were going to get married And yeah, well, that's my father and mother came into the equation at all. It wasn't for them.

Well, no, it's not, it's not our consideration. I didn't consider your parents when I, when I, um, was dating you. And when we got married, I didn't, I didn't make that a factor of, oh my gosh, I got to marry you because I have these wonderful in-laws.

No, we're not—

it's— that doesn't play into it. However, when we do get married, there is a relationship that happens.

Well, it's a relationship that starts, it evolves, because they don't know really you at all, just like your parents didn't know me at all. They had ideas, and they may have had preconceived ideas.

Well, I think that goes back, I think that goes back to not fully understanding where you come from.

And you might have had some biases, and you may have had some other types of ideas as to where I came from and what I was all about. But time is really the, the discerning factor in all that. So let's, let's— in the beginning stages, your, your parents or your in-laws At least from my point of view, there was amount of respect for them, who they were, right? What they brought to the family. But, and, and our brothers— well, your brother was much older. My brother and I are 14 years apart, so our brothers really played different roles in, in our beginning stages of our relationship and our marriage. But it definitely has evolved, and it definitely has changed a great deal.

Well, in the beginning, you're just trying to figure things out, and before kids, you know, it's just a matter of family gatherings that you're with them.

Yeah.

You know, when you have kids, you're hoping that they're going to be part of your life, that our kids are going to see the grandparents You would hope, right?

Kids want to— your parents want to see your, your children when they're little and growing up. And that does play a role in how we were raised. You know, I come from a Hispanic family where get-togethers were a given. There wasn't a— wasn't a choice. You got together for birthdays, you got together for Holidays, you just got together. There was no question about it.

Well, that's your background, right?

Correct.

And that's what I'm talking about when the others don't understand it, because my background was totally different. You know, we hardly ever got together as a family. I mean, when we— I would say when I was younger, yes, because we were closer together, but we moved away from family.

Right.

So we didn't make the effort to go back under certain holidays or events or anything like that because we were spread out.

Right. We weren't spread out.

Right.

At one point, I think we all lived in the same building.

So that makes a difference.

It does.

You know, as you got older, when you were more spread out, you still got— your family still got together for events.

We got together pretty much up until my grandmother, uh, died. I would say we made it a point of getting together. My grandmother on my father's side being very, very much the matriarch of the family, who—

did she bring them all together?

She could command, she, she could command that you come together. Um, she had that unapologetic ability to do that. And when you're young, and we were young, that just was the norm. It wasn't even something I would say to you was up for discussion, because if I was— if we were here, I would say, oh no, this is where we're going, we're going to go see the family. And that wasn't a choice. I didn't— there was no choice in the matter. That's what you did. The only exception would be is if you lived really far away, like you lived in a different country, and which case you were given some grace of having not to have to appear. But when she died, it was pretty much the end of that type of command. I don't think anyone else stepped up to really take that role, right? Nobody could really step up for that role. That was, that was a role that was given to an elder. That wasn't a role that—

right, but as the cycle goes through, someone else becomes that elder in their own in their own sphere. You know, it may not be the sphere of family that you had before, but now you have a different set of family, right? I mean, do you, do you see that happening with you?

I don't understand your question.

My question is, is your grandmother commanded that amongst her children?

Correct.

And her, and those immediate ones.

Do I command that amongst my kids? Yes. I have been known to to do that. Yes, I have been.

Is it as— is it as accessible as it— is it as successful as your grandmother?

Not always.

Okay.

Um, not always, but, uh, I think I'm, I'm slowly but surely also evolving into a situation where maybe it wasn't— it's not necessary, uh, and Instead of having everybody come here, maybe it's okay for me to go there. Maybe I will travel more to still have that connection with, with our children and grandchildren. And my grandchildren— how if my, if my older son, who has predominantly all of my grandchildren, if he lived closer, would we be getting together more? Absolutely.

Yeah.

Would we have— would we have our grandchildren more? Absolutely. Um, there would be no hesitation for me whatsoever. But I do think, um, it's good that they ventured off on their own. It's good that your children tend to go off and do their own things, that that's what they're supposed to do. That's what you want them to do.

I mean, that's what we hope, right? We just want our kids to be happy.

But do I want my kids to come once a year to me? Absolutely.

But we also want our kids to marry someone, to have someone, significant other, that makes them happy and helps them excel as well.

Yeah, which is challenge.

Which may not necessarily be what we think should— they should be, you know. It's, it's— but we have to like remove ourselves from that because we can't choose for them.

Correct. Which comes back to the original premise, right? When I said we and I, we decided to get married, we didn't really take into consideration our, our ex— our family, our parents, our brothers, right? Even immediate cousins, first cousins. We didn't take that into consideration. We got married because we wanted to get married. And now you have kids and they're off doing their own thing and they're in relationships or they're married. And there is, there is a sense of having to understand that boundary, understanding that this is what they have chosen as their significant person in their life. Do we agree with that?

Does it— it doesn't always mean we like it.

Well, I could look at us. We've been married, what, 37 years, and it's— your parents still don't really like me.

What? Why do you think that is?

I think it is because I challenge their position. I think, I think your father has a very old frame of mind of thinking of what a husband and wife is really about, and I think there is some form of, um, how they were raised and how their parents treated them, um, that makes it very difficult for him to deal with somebody who—

well, I mean, opinionated. Opinionated. Yes, you are. You're very strong-willed. That's— you're that— I mean, you, you come out and say what it is that's on your mind. You just get it out.

My children would say I was spicy.

Okay, my side of the family holds it in until we want to throw up sometimes, you know. So, so which is worse and which is better? And the problem is, is that when you can just blurt it out, when I would hold back or I wouldn't say anything at all and let it fester and come up, you know, I think, I think that way of—

but I know it's festering, and I know it's festering you, and I know it's, it's bearing— it's, it's irritating you, uh, and that causes its own dynamic between the two of us because I'll sit back and just say, just say it, you know? Yeah, what the freak? What do we— why are we walking around, uh, on tippy toes? I can't do that really well, even with my own children. And their significant others. I have a— I, I try, and sometimes you have to summon your best. Sometimes I'm good at it and sometimes I'm not. I'd be the first to admit that. Um, interfering, you try not to, because— but sometimes that comes from a good place, in as much as you've been around a little bit longer, you've seen little things. Your kids unfortunately don't think that you ever had a life or that you had experiences, right, that they are going through. Like, how would you know? Like, how would you know? How would you know?

And you don't know.

You don't know. You don't know, um, because it may have not been a topic of conversation, but I think what's important is that, um, if you're an in-law, if you have that title— and we all have that title, right? Um, if you have that title, it depends on where you're at, um, you know, who you're around, um, and just being conscious of other people and what other people are feeling.

I think it's— I think You know, everybody has a different point of view and a different center of truth of where we come from, right? And we need to open up and be able to try to at least understand what the other person's point of view is. That doesn't mean we have to agree with it.

Correct.

But we can respect it and we can also, you know, learn— why is the thumbs up? I hope that didn't show up on the—

I think that's the key word, respect. If you go into a relationship with the respect—

wow, there sure has— there's been a lot of times that we've been really disrespected by others. At times there has been.

Like an example?

Well, and an example of me just trying to, trying to interject with a conversation, and then people have very strong opinions about certain things, and they, and they—

yeah, they come hard and heavy.

I get it. Yeah, yeah.

You're not good with hard and heavy.

I know, I get it. I'm not, I'm not in it. I'm not, I'm not any better. I'm not when it comes to one of my children's significant others.

I'm not any better. The, the difference— you may say something, I may say something, but I also, I would probably be the one person who could get into some serious trouble, um, to the point where it could escalate really fast, really ugly. So, um, however, the older I get, uh, I tend to just kind of sit back and, and try to listen to where that—

do you let it roll?

I, I don't, uh, I may say something very, very calmly in the situation. However, when I'm out of that situation and that, that person is no longer around, we will have conversations about it and we will talk about it. And sometimes that's what we have to do. We have to talk amongst ourselves.

Yeah, especially if we're traveling on the way back, that'll be the—

it wouldn't even— even if we weren't traveling Right. Once we were together and we were by ourselves, it would be a topic of conversation between the two of us, um, and we would have to, number one, recognize, did, did that just happen? Did, did something just happen? Uh, and confirm that, that we both got the same, because, you know, sometimes your interpretation of one thing is not the same that I would have.

Well, that's precisely the in-law, the in-law problem, right? It's their interpretation of how you say something or how you react or how I react.

Yes.

That may not necessarily be what's really was intended.

Correct.

You know, it's coming from the way we come from. Something isn't what they're used to.

It's—

they're not used to that approach to a certain situation or a thing. And that, that I think when you react to that instead of listen and try to understand that's when there's problems, right? It's that reaction, and it's, it's the lack of understanding where you're coming from or where I'm coming from or where one of our in-laws are coming from, you know, um, whether it's a daughter-in-law or a son-in-law.

But I will say there, there was one advice my mother gave me when we first got married, and she was— it was so to the point. And she basically said that whatever disagreements I may have had with my husband, never speak to his mom and dad about those disagreements. Don't ever bring them up. And I realized it was probably a really good thing because I can remember that if, if someone was to complain about my children or say something about my children, I'd probably look at you and say to you, you don't have any right to talk to me about my kids. You have no influence in them whatsoever.

And you, you may only see that one little piece of them and not have the whole picture.

Don't cast any stones. And, and I've had that before because my kids are All of them have tattoos. And boy, that was a lot of— oh my God, that was a lot of backlash from my children having tattoos. And I, you know, they would say such negative things with people who have tattoos. And I would say, you know, I raised some really good humans. And while they may decide they want to put some ink on their body, It's not— it doesn't make them any less of a good human.

That— and I think that's a really good description of outward appearance versus inward, what you are on the inside. Just because you have something, whether it's the color of your skin or whether you have a birth defect or whether you have tattoos, it doesn't mean that tattoos are different.

Well, you chose to do it.

You chose the art too.

A birth— a birthmark on your body, the color of your That's not a choice. That's what you were born in, right?

But it's still an outward appearance. It doesn't necessarily reflect who the person is.

Agreed. But I can, I can tell you that the tattooing and the body piercing, you know, it got to the point where I would say, listen, either two things I always say to people: unless you've walked in my shoes, you can't comment. On my life or the life that I have with my family. Um, you are not me, and how you decided to run your life is up to you. It's like I always say, as a parent, you have the right and the ability to screw things up because that's your privilege. That's your right as a parent. That's what's— that's what one of the aspects of being a parent.

Let's go back to your mother's advice.

So she would say— she would say—

why was that?

Because you— a mom or a dad don't want to— they're always going to be in a protective mode when it comes to their children, right? And they don't want their children to be—

I mean, I shouldn't be talking—

and they don't, they don't, they don't necessarily want you here. They don't want to hear your complaint about an aspect of them that You, you may agree with that, you know. You, you may sit back and say, no, my kid was re— my kid is really like that, and I know that. But you don't want to hear that from somebody else, especially somebody that just got into the family, was just married into the family.

Even, even after you've been married for many years, you know. But your mom doesn't want to hear from, from me about something.

I think if— I think if you were to call my mother right now and say something My mother, first of all, would laugh hysterically.

Do you know what Nancy did? Can you believe this? She's driving me crazy.

She would— I think she would take— she would take a seat back. She would take it.

She'll be go— she, she would know me by now. Like, that's— Matthew's never done anything.

Never, never.

Like, what's going on?

Something's wrong. She'd be immediately calling me, right? Calling me and saying, why is your husband calling me and telling me about you complaining about something? She would jump. Like, she would jump. There's got to be a reason. Whereas I think if I called, if I called and I complained to your parents about you, I, I think they would— I, I think they would listen. I think they would try to, to try to be open-minded.

Um, they would be surprised too, but they wouldn't know what to do.

Yeah, they wouldn't know what to do, right?

That's the difference.

They wouldn't know what to do.

Your mom would just react.

My mom, I'm telling you, my parents would want to think about it. So that just kind of gives you an idea. Yeah, how we were raised, right? I jump into the point, into the water. Get myself in, figure it out while I'm in there. Sink or swim, I got to figure it out. Whereas you're going to sit back on the sideline and just see what happens. Yeah, then I'll just—

then I'll decide whether I'm going to jump or not.

Yeah, whether or not you should throw that life jacket in there, that life rope in there, and say, hey babe, you think you, you need to grab that so I could pull you in because you went a little bit too far? That's—

yeah, because I mean, the definition of this— I mean, there's been times that I've been around my kids and, and their, and their significant other said, well, it's, it's yours, you know.

Yeah.

And so it's like, that, that's, that's, um, that's your kid, you know. And it's like, it's more or less like, okay, well, why don't you say something to them, you know? Why do you think that I should— I as the parent should still say, if it's bugging you you have that conversation with them. Don't, don't tell me about it.

Yeah, you mean when, when parents pick— no, they're not picking sides, but more like—

no, it's, it's more like, well, we might be complaining about something, or we may, we may just— we may observe something, we may observe something, and then the other person in the relationship will say, well, that's your, that's yours, you know, your son or daughter, you know.

Oh, oh, now I understand what you're saying. Oh yeah, and I tend to look in— what's usually my response when I hear that? Well, I didn't marry them, right? I gave birth to them, but I didn't marry them. Marriage is a choice. You choose.

And then you've got to have that conversation. You've got to have that communication. If it's bugging you, their behavior, then don't, don't tell me about it, or you about it. Yeah, have that conversation with them.

Well, that's because somebody didn't give them that kind of advice. Don't complain to them. Don't complain about your significant other to their parent. It won't make any difference. Um, because I kind of sit back and say, I didn't marry them. I— just because I gave birth to them doesn't necessarily mean I can control all the aspects of your life. Trust me, if I could, things would be a lot different, but I can't. Uh, and so They made those choices themselves, and you just got to go with it.

And I think, I think the choices that they make, sometimes really hard, we have to also just say, hey, you know, that's, that's their choice. You know, as much as we may disagree with it, or as much as we wish they would make a different choice, that could be with their, with their partner or with something they're doing. It doesn't have to be an in-law situation. But we have to just realize, you know, that's their choice, and also it's their consequence. That's it for making that choice.

That's your consequence. But you got to sit back and you look at those— the, the, the in-laws— and you just, you just have to realize that when it comes to your children and their significant others, it's choices that they've made. There's something in that other significant other person that gravitates them to that person, right? You, you don't know it because they feel a connection. It's not your connection, right? And when it comes to your parents and that in-law type of situation, um, I still think it's a respectful mode. However, the older we become and the longer we've been together, I I think there is, there is a certain level of this is what they do, this is what you do, and it's okay. I mean, look, it wasn't until just recently that— remember I told you what my, my mom did? Um, you know, my mom put in, in, uh, she put a trust together, and in the trust she specified that if I should die before she does, her— my share of her estate will not go to my husband.

I mean, if you— if you—

if I die before my mother does, okay, right, her share, when she finally passes away, her share or my share of her estate won't go to him.

Of course not.

No, it's gonna go— it'll go to her 3 grandchildren. And she did that on my brother, for my brother, and she did that for me too. And it made me laugh because we were having a conversation about setting up the trust. When I said to her, I go, oh well, you know, something should happen to me. I— and actually I meant to say it about my brother because my brother's a cop. And I said, if God forbid something should happen to George, then your half is going to go to Amanda. And my mother stopped and really paused for a while and said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I said to her, I go Well, they've been married a long time. It is his wife. And she was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So she decided that when she set up the trust, that that was what she wanted to do. And I, you know what, I can't— that's how she felt. I don't think it was necessarily disrespectful to you. I just felt she— I said to her, why do you feel that way? She says, well, Matthew can do other things, and he'll have other things that he can inherit. My stuff—

that exactly means, but that's okay.

My stuff, I want to— I want my grandchildren to inherit it. So that was an interesting aspect to it all, which I thought was very funny, because when I told him about it, he was just like, so If you should die first, I don't get— I say you get nothing. Nothing.

So as we wrap this up, um, what would you— what would you give advice to your children's significant others? Is there any advice you would give them?

The same advice my mother gave me. The same advice my mother gave me. Don't, don't call the other significant other's parent and complain about them, because it's, it's, it's number one, it's not going to help you. It's not going to give you any advice. It's not going to give you any insight to how do you deal with that, that individual. It's not going to offer you anything other than that parent becoming very resentful over the fact that you found a problem with their beautiful child, uh, and that's not something that they want to hear because you don't want to hear it either, you know.

And my advice would be just try to get to know them, try to understand where they're coming from. Um, I come from a different area. I'm— I may be saying something or suggesting something not to— not as you're my children and I'm telling you what you have to do, but just as I just want to share something with you. I would just love you just to listen to what I have to say and maybe think about it. You know, it might be gardening tips, it might be talking about fishing, it might be personal growth advice, but it's not— yeah, it's not to say, hey, you got to do this, but maybe we know something that they don't.

Well, see, that's the the whole thing is that technically, in the eyes of our children, we know nothing at times.

I mean, I don't think that's always true, but, but, um, but when it comes to relationships and doing certain things, yeah, I think they think that we don't know what they're going through right now.

Yeah, if they're— if they are. And I get, like I said, you are in a relationship, what we would hope is that you would have seen the relationship that your parents brought you into this world in.

Well, that may not always be a good thing either.

No, it actually may not always be a good thing.

And they may be relating that to how they were raised and think that, again, not understanding who we are, they take their experience and expect that that's the way it is.

Well, it's like I— but it goes back to that original thought that I said. Every parent has the right to screw up their children's lives, right?

But that doesn't mean your in-laws are the same as your parents. That, that's what I mean.

Okay, so, um, to be kind to each other, maybe that's, maybe that's the always the, the emphasis. What was that thing when they say once you're 18 or you finally leave home, the likelihood of you seeing that person starts to diminish? Like, up until that point, that human's been in your life, you see them almost every day, and then once they're gone, you, you may see them once a year if you're lucky.

That's, that's a hard, that's a hard thing as a parent to really know.

So what I'm saying is, is that the because you're not going to be around and you don't see them very often, when those moments come up that you do, you got to really work hard at living in the moment, being in the moment, and being grateful for that moment because they're not going to be around for—

yeah, well, if you look at it, let's say if you see somebody every year and you see them once a year, um, and let's say we're we're both 60 or soon to be, and that's like if we were to live to 80, another 20 years, let's do 90.

All right, okay, 30 years.

So 30 years, and we just see someone, we just see them once a year. That means we only have 30 more times we're going to see them, right?

Reality about that is, is really, really strong when you think about it. You're only going to see them 30 more times before you die. Right, you know, it's kind of before they die, or before they die, whoever goes first.

No meaning, meaning what point you're looking at it, whether we're looking at from the point of our children, we're only gonna see them 30 more times before we die, right? Or if they look at it from us, they're only gonna see us 30 more times before we die, right?

So the same thing, but it— just be kind to each other. Try to remember that moment that you're in because it is far and few between. It's not like it's an everyday like when you were a kid. And, and I get you're not a kid, and I get they're not little, but enjoy those, those rare moments. Same thing would be when we go to see our, our parents. It's the same idea, right? You don't see them very often. You may talk to them often, but you don't see them very often.

Yeah, when you— and when you talk to them, it's not the same as seeing them.

No.

And as they get— as they get older too, there's there's things that they keep from you.

They do.

That is—

and I would have to say that could also be true about your kids. Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

But until you're there in person, you don't really understand. You don't know.

You don't know. No.

So on that one, I'll leave it off of— you just don't know.

You just don't know. So be kind.

So be kind. And, um, and try to love each other. Yep, yep.

See you next week.

We should probably edit this, but we won't. Bye-bye.