Is Marriage Really 50/50? The Truth About Roles, Resentment, and Sandwiches

Hi, I'm Matthew Greger.

And I'm Nancy Greger.

We have this new podcast called "We Should Probably Edit This." But we won't. What's wrong, Nancy? Are you hot?

It's hot.

We got the fire going back over here.

Yeah, but the lights are also on. Oh, there it is. Right, right, right there, right there. Fire.

Yeah, because it is kind of hot, but it's cold again. Yesterday was such a beautiful day.

It was. It was in the 80s.

I know. I know. And then what? We get sucker punched and get right back down to another one.

30s? 30s? Yeah. In the 30s. Yeah.

So who are we?

I'm Nancy Greger.

And I'm Matthew Greger. We should probably edit this. But we won't. This is unfiltered, unscripted, and unapologetically us.

Okay, unapologetically us.

Yeah, so how did, how did this start as far as today goes?

What do you mean, how does it start as far as today goes?

How did, how did, um, what's today?

Today is Sunday.

Yeah.

Yes. Um, we decided a little while ago that we were going to try going to this new, uh, church, which is where we went to this morning. Not what we had expected. Let me rephrase that— not what I was expecting. Um, but we're not going to rule it out. We'll go again.

Um, yeah, I think it was unusual today because it was very geared towards something very specific that they've been doing for quite some time.

And so we seem to be Let me rephrase this. The theme for this weekend was it's not what you was expecting, and you felt as though you were crashing a party. And I felt as though we were crashing our second party this weekend.

Yeah, I'll agree. I mean, yesterday, so we decided to go to this like fundraising event.

We didn't decide, the company that I work for— well, we decided, we decided they had an event at, at a local museum here for children called Stepping Stones. And I had sent Matthew the email notice that was in the company newsletter that says, hey, we got tickets to this event. It's the big—

well, they sponsored it, so you expected that they got tickets for it too.

Correct.

Lo and behold, they didn't sponsor it for enough. So we show up all dressed up and everything else, and we had day passes to go to this Stepping Stone Museum, not for the evening event.

That wasn't for the event ticket. So we both looked at each other. It was raining. We valet parked our car. We got dressed up. We went, and I felt as though we were crashing a party. Um, luckily, uh, I guess we looked presentable enough that they figured out a way to allow us to come in and enjoy the cocktails and, and things like that, but proceeded to tell us that they may not have seating for us for the dinner portion of the event.

So I was like, okay, well, yeah, at that point I felt like I don't even know if I want to even be here anymore. I felt like out of place, like I shouldn't, I shouldn't have come in the first place.

You crashed the party.

Yeah, like, like we, like we crashed the party. We probably would have been better off just picking a name off of the list that says that's who we are.

It would have been, would have been so much easier. But in any case, we did have a good time.

Yeah, we had a good time. We, they found They found room for us. Um, we met a few people. Yes, saw some people that we knew.

Yes.

And, um, we're just not used to getting out there and socializing enough.

It's a different kind of socializing. It's called the adult socializing, right? When your kids are gone and you don't have kid functions to attend and you're suddenly faced with, okay, well, what are we gonna do? Um, here you go. But it was good. It was good. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but I will be telling the lady who gave us the tickets and coordinated all this at work tomorrow and let her know that, uh, you had the wrong idea and the wrong impression, and they were kind enough to let us participate. However, that wasn't what—

next time they need to make a larger—

you need to make a larger donation next time, and it didn't—

and you need to make sure that you let the lady know give her, send her a text back saying thank you very much for accommodating us.

Yeah, yeah.

And then this morning, so this morning we decided to try out a new church. It was time that we kind of like get back into going to church. And, um, and so this is like a Christian church, something that Nancy's not that familiar with, something I grew up in. Um, Nancy being Catholic, me being just a Protestant and a Christian, I was used to kind of the music and a little different service, but today's service was all based on missionaries, their missionary efforts. And so it was definitely not normal. Um, it was good to really learn about how much of outreach is still needed in the world, and you realize how big this world really is when you start thinking about all the different languages that, that people speak. Throughout.

Yeah, for me it wasn't so much that. I mean, as a being raised as a Catholic, you understand there's a lot of mission work going on in the world to, to spread the word. Um, this was more like where it was located, distance from our house to there, was it, you know, complicated or easy, what were the feelings of the people, because churches in general are based on the community, and if you feel comfortable within that community, you're more likely to go. If you're not comfortable in that community, you won't go. Um, so it was— I think for me it was just more like where it was located, uh, the time, um, the venue itself. It's quite large, uh, very, um very modern in its approach to, um, worshiping, worshiping, diversifying with a great big huge community, lots of different people.

I mean, they, they are— they do have breakout kind of breakout groups in your, in your local town community. So it'll be interesting to find out if what, what's available in that area for us in our community where we're located.

But the church in general, I thought, was was surprisingly pretty, pretty good. Um, so hence why we'll, we'll give it another shot. We'll go again, uh, just to see what that's about. When we— we're going away next week, so when we come back, we'll— it'll be in Easter. So it'll be interesting to see what that event is.

But today's topic is really about being married and is marriage really 50/50?

I think we talked about that when we were having breakfast this morning. Can a marriage be based on a 50/50? And we've been married 30—

this is going to be 37 years.

37 years, right? 1998.

Yeah, this is, this is, this is, this is our 37th year.

37th year. So the question really came up, um, you know, our marriage is really 50/50. And we started talking about it, and I said sometimes they can be 50/50, but most of the time it's not. And I think it's— I think it's a fallacy if you go into a marriage thinking it's a 50/50, uh, idea with what you're willing to share. There are things that you're going to find you're really good at. There are things that he is going to be really good at, and you're going to have to stay in those lanes. In those particular instances, you won't be 50/50. And if you try to make it so, and you really put on that whole idea that you have to share everything 50/50, and, and there's lots of things, uh, for example, like chores and doing things around the house.

I wonder what my favorite chore is. That would be cleaning in general. Um, I don't mind keeping things organized, but I don't know, there's something about cleaning the bathrooms and doing that. I get it, it's something I need to do and I need to help out with, but I don't always do it.

Um, but on the flip side, I don't like taking out the garbage, and if I do, I do it, but I don't like doing it. Um, there are certain things I just would prefer not to really have to do at all.

I think in the beginning of our marriage You know, it was like you hold grudges or you get pissed off really because the other person's not helping out like you think they should, you know. And throughout time you realize what each of you are really good at doing. And if you can learn to really appreciate what the other person does and just thank them for that, it can, it can go a long way. And then you can find the thing that you are willing to do. And hopefully that's enough because, because I do think that there are things that we all have to do, especially in a marriage and in a family and having a home and everything. And it's, it's important that we don't just sit around and do nothing.

Well, you know, here's the thing. Early on in our marriage, Um, Matthew went to work, and he didn't work 10 minutes away. He could work anywhere between 45 minutes, an hour, sometimes longer, uh, just in commuting back and forth. Um, but we had decided after our first son was born that one of us was going to stay home to raise the children.

We didn't decide that right away. We had it— we tried the nanny effort effort for a little while.

We tried. The nanny lasted not even 6 months.

So no, let's not, let's not put too much emphasis on that. But what, but, but what, why, why was that?

Well, he was my first child and there were certain, certain requirements people were gonna have to live by.

Yeah, that, that first child, by the time the third one come out, you, you, he was just lucky to survive at all.

He was lucky he made it.

But that first, that first one, you're very, the first one, you're very overprotective.

But what I'm getting to the point and saying Because sometimes people just don't let you get to the point.

No, sometimes you don't let me speak enough. You just want to keep hearing it.

It was more like I was home, so there were certain things that I was going to control at the home. And if I waited until he came home to help out or do something in the house, we weren't going to get anything done. And that would have been—

jumped ahead for me coming, going to work and coming back then.

Well, I, I didn't— I more or less said, okay, if— so that meant that not only did I take care of the inside of the house, but if I had to mow the lawn, I mowed the lawn. I did all the grocery shopping. I managed the house. I managed—

that was your, that was your full-time job.

That was my full-time job, right?

And I think that's something we have to recognize.

Yes.

There, that, you know, just because you're not providing income. It's still a relationship, right? And it's a family unit that we have, and that family unit requires participation in different aspects of it. And if the person is going to work and making money to provide for the financial part, the other person is running the house.

Is taking care of everything else. Kids, house, yeah. And whatever that included. So I mean, in the beginning, That's not a 50/50 type of deal. Again, he was doing the work. Not 50/50 for the house, but no, but in general, that part of it was— that's what his function was, that's what my function was, and you just learned to kind of like deal with that. Now let's jump into where we're at now. When I sit back and I say, okay, the kids are gone, they're grown, they're out of the house, never coming back, knock on wood, um, Well, we'd like him to come back and visit. Visit. I have a full-time job, he has a full-time job, so now what do you do at the house? And what do you do to, to keep that going? Um, and for a short while, and it took years for me, but I had, I had a housekeeper who would come in and do that.

That was nice.

Do the housekeeping. And that was nice until she found, until she found a full-time job.

Now we have to think about again is whether or not we're going to find that, that housekeeper that we actually can trust and, yeah, um, and can afford. So it's, it's something to help. Definitely it's something that we would like to do again.

Granted, we're not— and now that it's just the two of us, we're not dealing with kids and, and the mess that comes with children, because let's just face it, they're messy. They just— it's like a walking cloud of dirt.

Um, but there, there's different times in your life for sure that you go through those cycles where you don't even realize the messes that are there. Yeah, it's just part of it.

And then until they come back, you go visit them.

Yeah. Or they come visit us.

Oh yeah. When they come visit us, or you go visit them, and then you're like, ooh, okay, now I remember what having 8 loads of laundry really felt like. But this is a different time. This is a different season. And this is now where we're sitting back saying we're pulling in the same amount of, of, of working and income and house. So where do we sit? Where, what do we do? And I think what's important to understand is there will be moments where I'm going to say to you, no, I'm not cooking. I could scramble an egg and I'd be happy. But if you want something that's more of a 3-course meal, then you're going to have to jump in and do it.

We never have 3-course meals. I might have more than one thing on the plate.

Yeah.

You know, I like to have a vegetable and maybe a grain or something.

The requirements are extreme. If you see the man build a sandwich, there's a difference in his sandwich making and mine. I could be done in 5 minutes, he's still at it for 15.

Yeah, because I'm cutting the pickle and the tomato and getting everything, and the avocado, getting everything right. It's got to be assembled a certain way too.

I'm more about efficiency. Let's kick this out.

But it's, it's— I mean, if you don't feel like, if you don't feel like cooking, hold on, hold on, hold on. If you don't feel like cooking That's okay, you know, um, I'll cook or we'll go get something to eat.

There you go, right?

But, but if I cook, you just have— you have to accept the way that I cook.

I agree.

And sometimes you don't.

That's— sometimes that's a challenge, I'm not gonna lie. I can sit back and say, what are you doing and why are you doing it that way? That's not the right way you're supposed to do it. And then I'll get an ugly face and then I'll realize, oh, you know what, you're right, this is all on you. Call me when it's done. I'm good. I'm gonna leave the room.

You may or may not like it when it's done, but you know, it's, you know, it's okay. Yeah, it's okay because, um, you know, as you settle into a relationship after so many years—

different than him cleaning. I could see how he would clean, and for him to do one thing could take—

yeah, but, but when I do, it's thorough.

Okay, everything's thorough. That would mean that when I go to do something, I do it faster, so I'm less thorough.

No, I'm the one that'll go up there and get the dust that's not reachable sometimes, or I'll do the extra. I'll get on my hands and knees in the bathroom and go around the floor. You'll take the mop and go through it. Okay, once again, I'm not saying that you're doing a worse job than I am.

I was like, okay, I'll go the extra mile. No, you're just about quickie facial. Still surface stuff.

No, sometimes, sometimes. But sometimes I'll, I'll do the extra things that you don't like doing, whether it be the windows or something like that.

Yeah, the windows, I gotta get clean.

Like, all— I don't mind if I'm gonna go do the thorough cleaning. I don't mind doing that, you know. I don't mind getting into the parts that you don't like to do all the time.

When, when that comes up.

Yeah, when that comes up.

When that comes up. It's not all the time. No, it is when that comes up. It's when it comes up. But I think just like I said, just the, the whole concept. Now I will say that the one aspect that we're really 50/50 on is, is, is about money and is about finances, is about what we do together. Um, that probably doesn't change. Um, I'm always surprised. I do believe that there are a lot of women that have to have their own identity and they have to have their own thing. I believe in that 100%. I'm—

you're definitely— you're your own identity, that's for sure.

I'm the type of person that will say, no, I have my own credit card, he has his own credit card. Yes, we do. And then we have some credit cards that we are—

we used to, like, work on your own credit card.

We haven't— I haven't had one in a long time since we paid it off.

We don't— we don't— we had no— but we don't— but we We didn't treat things separately at all. It all came into one. You might have gone and applied for a credit card that I didn't. Correct. But it was part of the home. But we didn't— you didn't have your money and I had my money.

No, but that's not what I was talking about. I was talking about the identity of a woman having her own separate credit, whereas he has his own credit and I have my own credit. Because to some extent, you have to establish that for yourself.

You never know if I'm going to drop dead and you're going to be by yourself.

Oh, you just never know. And let's just face it, for women, it wasn't until like late '70s before you could even apply for a credit card and not need your husband to co-sign. So I do believe that there's a sense of importance in that. But when it comes to the, the, the melting pot, it's one pot. Yeah, everything goes in. And I've said this to him before, we've been at situations where we, I don't know, applied for credit or whatever the case might be, and, you know, I would always say, if the ship is going to sink both of us are going down. It's not one or the other. Um, so, and that's, that's really important. I mean, we have guidelines that we follow, you know. We talked about this once before. Each one of us has a spending limit that we could go up to. If it's beyond that point, it's a conversation, or maybe it's not even a conversation, it's more like, hey, by the way, um, well, it depends what, how much it is, but We did talk about this a little bit last week.

We did, we did. But yeah, so that just all goes back into, you know, just sharing responsibilities in a marriage. I think each of you need to be responsible for certain things, and if you were to tally it up, I guess you could say that's more of a 50-50 scenario. Um, you definitely can't feel like you're doing more, or you're doing too much, or she's not doing enough, or I'm not doing enough. You got to come to a moment that it's comfortable for both of you, that you, that you, that what you're doing is just as important as what the other guy is doing, and is enough in the eyes of the other person too.

And there's no resentment being built.

That's the biggest thing.

That's the biggest thing, because you, you'll end up feeling resentful if for some reason you feel that the other guy isn't pulling his own weight, or the, the, the— there's a disbalance between the two of you. Now, there could be at different points in time some parts of it that might not be 100%. You might be off balance a little bit, but the important thing is they don't last very long. And it's a rarity, not something that's always. And if you feel that that's the case, then it's important to say, hey, you know what?

Well, that brings up a whole nother conversation about communication. I mean, if, if you're holding it in and until a point that you just, all right, I've had enough of this, you're just not doing what you're supposed to be doing, and then you let it go and it comes out, you know, then, then it's a whole other problem because, I mean, you've, you've got to communicate You got to share how you feel with each other, and that's something that's not always easy to do. And I'm— well, you're, you're much better at just saying what you've— what you think and what you feel right up front, where I'll hold it in much longer, um, and I may not say anything at all until sometime later when it just comes out, and then I say the wrong thing because I've, I've let it— I've let it fluster too much.

No, but I'll do the same thing if I'm really truly annoyed about something. I just will shut down. Yeah, you won't hear me say a peep. And then that's when he sits back and says, oh, wait a minute, we're not getting— we're not moving along. Um, this, the situation got to the point where I'm like, okay, I'm not gonna say anything, and I don't. And then all of a sudden you feel the tension between, you know, between the two of you, you feel that tension.

So, so what's some advice that you would give a young married couple or someone that's in— that's been married for a little while and they're struggling with that 50/50 concept, or somebody feels like they're doing more work than the other? What would you do?

Well, I remember there was a movie I watched, and I don't remember the name of the movie, but I remember there was a quote in there where Somebody had asked this, this woman what her secret was for a happy marriage, and she kind of just said, well, and for her it was only one person could be crazy at one time. You both can't be crazy at the same time. And depending upon where you're at in your life, whether it was you're, you know, having a child, or you just had a baby, or you went back to work, or something, one of you will be be at a crazier point than the other, and it's important that you give each other enough freedom to handle that part of being crazy. Um, so you both can't be— somebody has to be the steadfast holdfast, and the other person's got to be able to kind of go on out there. Um, so I think that's important to know, that one of you will be that backbone and the other one's going to have that ability to just do it.

So when you, when you say crazy, you just mean they don't have it all together, that they're struggling?

Yeah, they might be going through a change. You know, women are a little bit more, um, change happens through various parts, whether you're having a baby and you're pregnant. Pregnancy can make you kooky crazy, very different times. Then you have that baby and you're dealing with having that baby. And what do you do with that small human that doesn't talk? And then when you teach them to talk, you're like, why did I do that? Um, and then you, you know, so you have different phases of your life, and a lot of it sometimes is a physical thing, and a lot of it is a mental thing. Um, but you're going through that, and that's what's important, that the other party understand that this is, this is your crazy time. So you, you need to be a little bit more, um kind of like, it's okay, you know, supportive.

So supportive and making sure those things that need to get done get done. Yeah, because the other one may not quite be able to handle it at the moment.

Yeah, and letting go of your idea of how it should be done versus it's just getting done, you know. Let's not be picky, um, try not to be picky. And don't, don't feel as though you have to go over something.

And, and I'll just add to that and say that especially coming from a male standpoint, and, and if you're the one that's working and you're coming home, you, you have to realize also that if, if your wife is running the house and is working with the kids and that's her full-time job, that she also needs a break from that too. You know, you may be tired when you get home, but she's also just as tired. And so it's important that you find ways that you can help relieve what she's been doing too. You know, if that just means taking the kids for a walk so that she can have a moment to herself, you've got to be able to do those type of things too and contribute in other ways that can really help. You know, take them outside and play. They're waiting for Dad to come home to have fun too. So, you know, and that's a big relief for Mom, just to get the kids out of the house and go do something with Dad, knowing that she's not responsible for where they are and what they're doing, that that can be time for Dad to do.

Mm-hmm. This is a good one. Dad time. And then just remember, when the kids are gone, and it's just the two of you, and you got to refigure things out. Yeah, you're gonna be refiguring out your roles because your kids, for the first 18 years of their life— and let's just face it, even once they get out of college, they're— they are the center. They can— that center nucleus is really your children. But when they're gone, you're gonna have to redefine that.

Then you have to figure out, do you really like this person? All those other 18 years, they were just buffers between you guys and the kids, you know. And it's important to, I think, to be good friends. I think we are.

I think we are. We're good friends, you know. We're good friends like good friends get together and they do things together, but then they're friends that can— you go do your thing and I'll go do my thing type of deal.

And we don't have that very often. That we do my thing and you do your thing.

Well, we have— we have— you'd go boating and I'd be like, bye.

Yeah, but we have those things that we enjoy doing that the other person doesn't. Um, like, like you enjoy your spa time and, and, um, you'd enjoy different things too.

You just don't want to go.

But I mean, yes, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go fishing whether you want to come with me or not.

Exactly.

You know, um, hopefully I'll have another boat someday that's big enough that you'll enjoy sitting in sun. And sunning yourself on the boat.

Big boat, but, um, where I don't feel the waves. But yeah, but I mean, that, that's what's important, right? I mean, you just find things that you do in common. We do lots of things together. I mean, for a long time I did the grocery shopping for a good percentage of our marriage, and then all of a sudden we started doing it together.

And the one thing— pretty much after the kids left—

the one thing that will will probably annoy him the most is he takes time going through aisles. I don't. I tend to go up and down, up and down. And so all of a sudden he'll be like, where is she?

Yeah, because I'll realize I really wanted this thing, but I stood there for a few minutes to read the ingredients or what it was. Or I go down and I spend extra time in the meat aisle looking to see what's on sale or what looks good that time. And then I have my hands full of things and I can't find her anywhere.

Where'd you go?

And then we're just on that one aisle, but she took another turn instead of the logical turn that I thought she would go.

No, I went the opposite way.

She went the opposite way.

And then if he can, if he has a hand free, he'll text me. Where are you?

Or call her.

Then the question is, is my phone on vibrate? Yeah.

Will she even answer the phone? I mean, the store's not that big. Eventually we'll find each other.

Eventually we do find each other. And I laugh every single time that I'll have that look on my face like, but you know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of a kid who's been looking for his parent and he's— oh, he got a little distressed at some point because he couldn't find you. And then when he finally sees you, there's a sense of a little anger but then like a tremendous amount of relief that you finally found me. And I would— and I laugh at that because I sit back, I said, well, I, I would eventually have spotted you, figured out where you're at, and you know, it wouldn't be because By the way, you've got the keys to the car because we drove in one car. So at some point we were gonna meet up, but it's always, it's always fun. That was always, it's always the fun thing. And that's some like, so now at this stage in our life, we like to do, we'll do those things together because we enjoyed actually being together.

I think that's important. If you don't enjoy being together, then, then you're, then you're, you got other issues.

Yeah, if you don't want to hang out with each other doing the simple things, it won't matter where you go because you won't want to hang out. You know, you, you'd— you want to be able to know that you can enjoy going to places together, figuring things out together, meeting people together, because that was a big thing for us. We, we went, you know, we've been trying to get out more and doing some more socializing Um, you know, because it's—

I think it's important to have friends, you know, especially, and to have other people that you can also socialize with.

Yes.

You know, and go out to dinner, invite them over, um, do those different things. Because as you get— as you get older and your kids have their own life, it's no longer about the kids and their— and their friends and their family. Now it's people of who you want to hang out with. And I mean, I think that's a good segue to, you know, our next show. I think because we are going to Austin to Growth Day, um, and we're going to see some, some of our friends. And I think, you know, it's, it's important to talk about what friendship is and what to do. And so maybe next time that's what we'll talk about.

How do you keep friendship going?

How do you find friends?

How do you find friends? And how do you keep it going at a different stage in your life? So yeah, all right, that was it.

I think that's it. I think that's a wrap for this one. Yeah, we should edit this, but we won't.

But we won't.

So until next time, I'm Matthew.

I'm Nancy.

And we'll see you soon.

Soon.

Bye.