006 How to Overcome Your Money Story

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This is the affluent entrepreneur show for entrepreneurs that want to operate at a high level and achieve financial liberation. I'm your host, Mel Abraham, and I'll be sharing with you what it takes to create success beyond wealth so you can have a richer, more fulfilling lifestyle. In this show, you'll learn how business and money intersect so you can scale your business, scale your money, and scale your life while creating a deeper impact and living with complete freedom. Because that's what it really means to be an affluent entrepreneur.

Hey there, Mel Abraham here and welcome to this episode of the Affluent Entrepreneur show. And this episode we're going to talk about something that affects a lot of people. How do you overcome your money story, the money blocks, the money mindset stuff, the stuff, the internal game. And I get it. Some people will say, I got it all handled. I thought I had it all handled. Fact of the matter is I didn't. And I still, I, you know, I still at times struggle with it. And you don't realize it sneaks up on you, this whole idea of the money stories that we live with. And we, I was just recently speaking at a, at an event we were with. I mean, these are really successful people that are seven figure entrepreneurs. And we were having a money conversation. I was the keynote speaker and we're having a conversation. And just to hear that even at their level, you would think that they're running 20, 30, 40, $50 million revenue companies, that they got their money stuff handled, that their money stories are taken care of, but they're not. They're not. And they sneak up because we don't even realize that they're stories in our head. And so when we talk about money stories and money mindset, this is something that is actually caught and not taught. Here's what I mean by that. As we grew up as children, the majority of our money stories were created in our youth through observation. So we caught our parents doing something. We heard them arguing about something, we heard them talking about Something we heard them talking to the tv. They would say things like, oh, we can't afford it. I heard that growing up, you know, and now I didn't live in a, in a wealthy household. We were a white collar family. My dad was a engineer, aerospace engineer. But we lived a good life. I mean, I didn't feel like we lacked anything. But I would hear a number of times the conversations where say we can't afford it. You know, there's other things that like there's this idea that all of a sudden you get this feeling there's just never enough where people are shopping and, and you see a parent that maybe is putting things on credit cards and hiding it from another parent, you know, their spouse and those types of things where all of a sudden things feel like they're never enough. We hear stories about depression era generation where they aren't necessarily hoarders, but they're concerned so much of survival and lack that they collect stuff, that they make sure that we have stuff. I mean even. And my parents weren't depression era babies, but they came from a oppressive upbringing in the sense of the country that they were raised in. And so. And things got taken away from them. They lived a very opulent life there, but it got taken away from them by the government and that type of thing. And that kind of generated a situation of survival. We need to take care of ourselves. And, and so we used to joke around that, you know, I live in California, so we're an earthquake country. And so we always said, God forbid the big one hits, just get to mom and dad's house because they got enough supplies to last us for a month because they would buy, you know, canned goods and food like that and they would have it in the, in the pantries, in the closets and all that stuff we had. So there was so much food there that we didn't have to worry about our earthquake survival was just get the mom and dad's. But that came out of their upbringing. And some of that, if we don't consciously think about it, it's something that caught them, wasn't taught to them and it was just from their upbringing. And you probably have the same. You probably have heard your parents having a conversation, you probably heard your neighbors having a conversation. You probably have seen other people about arguing about money. They say that that onethird of all conflicts in relationships are money related. Onethird. You know, there was a study that was done, it was 2015. There's a organization called stressin America.org this is a problem that there's actually a charitable organization, a nonprofit organization that is tracking the stress in America. Okay. But in 2015, they did a study. What are the biggest stressors in people's lives? And money was number one. Money was number one. Over 70% of the people are worried about money. Money was above work, above relationships, above health, above everything else was one of the biggest stressors. And where does some of that come from? And it comes from some of the money stories that we're dealing with. And so you can look at it. People. People will sit back and say, look, I don't know where my money goes. I got a dear, dear friend that I've known for decades who makes a lot of money. I mean, he's made well into the six figures repeatedly in his career. And yet, for some reason, he's living check to check, where did my money go? Okay, usually I'm good at making it, but I'm not good at keeping it. All those things are money stories that we tell ourselves, but they're also the stories that we will perpetuate and will continue to perpetuate our money existence if we're not careful. This whole idea of money stories gave birth to a field of financial behavior psychology, if you will, financial psychologists, if you will. And two of the top psychologists in this arena are father and son team Brad and Ted Klontz. Doctors Brad and Ted Klontz. And they wrote a book. They wrote a. A number of books. And one of the books, they talked about these money stories. They called them money scripts. And I love to walk through the money scripts, because I think what they did is they categorized all the different levels of money stories that you might have into four specific categories. How they show up, what we believe, those kinds of things. So you can start to work through them. Because here's what I know and here's what I've seen in our financial journey is that if we can't identify the money script or the money story that's running in our head, then we don't have the awareness to change it. And if we don't have the awareness to change it, then our money game stays the same. Remember that. So if we don't have the awareness to change our money story, then our money game stays the same. Okay, here's how I think we need to understand this. Remember I said in one of the earlier episodes that most people have don't have any money issues. Money issues are a result of behavior issues. Behavior issues are a result of thinking issues. So if we got Some people say stinking thinking. If we got bad thinking, if we allow the money scripts or the money stories run our money life, then we end up with bad behaviors which give us bad results. And we sometimes do it completely unconsciously and we don't know it. And here's the deal. Here's the beautiful thing. I want you to give yourself grace because it's not your fault. It truly isn't. It's a situation where you didn't even really know you were doing it. You didn't even really know it was being taken in by you. You didn't even really know that they existed. Sometimes people don't even know that these money stories are going on in their head. And since they don't know that the money stories are going on in their head, how are they going to fix it? And they don't realize the results and the things that happen from these money stories. So what we need to really understand is first raise the awareness that, hey, we all have money stories. I've got money stories, trust me. You know, in 2005, when I got caught up in that Ponzi scheme, listen, I had stories going on in my head about guilt, shame, embarrassment. I mean, I, it's so embarrassed to even have a conversation about it. I was a cpa, I was an advisor. I was the, the guy that they would hire to testify to, to put these types of criminals in jail. And one of the criminals got me. I got duped. I felt like a fool. So all of a sudden it started to turn into a money story in my head. Like, boy, am I an idiot. I'm not good at this. I can't make good investment decisions. Wow, I shouldn't even be in my own business. How can I do financial advising or mentoring people if I'm making bad decisions? So all of a sudden, you don't realize the venomous demonist kind of element that these stories can have to your well being, to your financial well being, to your financial future. And so what happens is that when we're good at finally raising the awareness, at finally shining a light on it and saying, hey, I see you over there. I see you guilt. I see you shame. I see you embarrassment, I see all of that. Now we have the power to change it. Now we have the power to not take it on as an identity. And this is where we start to, to falter is that when we take on those money stories as an identity, it is who we see ourselves as. And when we see ourselves as not good with money, not making good Investment decisions. I can make money, but I can't keep money. We see ourselves, if that's our identity, it becomes monumentally harder to move out of that. Hopefully, this is making sense to y', all, but none of it is your identity. It's an interpretation of something you observed, something that might have happened. It's a meaning that you chose to cloak it with and then take that cloak and put it on you. I know some of you might be sitting back and going, yeah, that's fine to say, and it just doesn't make it any easier. I said, I get it, because I've been down that road. Credit issues, all of it. I've watched people navigate it. So we need to understand that the stories are what they are. They're just stories. And if I looked at a story, and here's how I would look at this, and we'll talk about the. The money scripts in. In a bit here, but if I took. If I took a camera and replayed the story, okay, Replayed the story in front of the camera, and we filmed it with no sound. So we just watched the picture of whatever it was. Parents arguing, okay, Money coming in, losing money, could we give that story a whole new meaning? Could we look at it as an observer and not an involved party that is emotionally involved with it? Absolutely, we can. And when we step away from it and look at it from an outside perspective, we then can turn around and say, oh, wait a second, the fact is, here's what happened, but the fact isn't, here's who I am. Hopefully that makes sense when we see it as an observer. We are watching a movie, and we're not taking it on as an identity. And so whatever the money story is, however challenging it might be, or it might have been, or maybe it still is, we need to get out of the story ourselves. We can't be a player in the story. We need to step out of it and observe it for what it is and separate the facts from the interpretation. Fact is, I lost one third of my net worth in a Ponzi scheme. Fact is, that criminal. I was going to use a different word, but that criminal stole money from me. Fact is, I chose to give him the money. Fact is, I didn't follow my rules. Fact is, I need to rebuild. Fact is, I built it multiple times before I can do it again. None of that is an interpretation. Let's not interpret it. Let's not give it a meaning that it doesn't need to have. All right, so that's the first thing is to understand that most of the money stories are an interpretation of something that we observed or we caught someone doing or we might have experienced, but it isn't the experience itself. And we need to move ourselves out of that. And so one of the things to Understand is what Dr. Klontz, Brad and Ted Klontz talked about is these money scripts. And so I'm going to actually jump to my iPad on this again. Again, if you're listening, do me a favor, go to the Show Notes. I'll make sure that all the drawings and all the frameworks that we do are going to be downloadable for you there. All right? But I just want to walk you through this as we move through it, this idea of money scripts. The first money script, there's four of them. Let's walk through all four of them first, and then I'll go back through and we'll talk about the characteristics, the traits, the beliefs, the things behind it, and the truth about each one of them. All right, so the first one is this idea of money avoidance. This is. This is people that actually are pushing money away from. They're repelling money, and sometimes they don't even know it. All right, so there's the money avoidance script. The second script that comes into play is what we call the money worship script. And it's almost the complete opposite. They're just, they want money. They just, they put it on a pedestal. It is the thing that they're looking for. We'll talk a little bit more about that. The third money script that comes into play is what we call money status. And these are the people that believe and have stories about the status money can give them. Because I have, oh, X number of commas and behind me, a certain network. These are the kinds of people that you might look at and they say, do you know what I. You know who I am? They attach their self worth to the net worth. Big mistake. And then there's the fourth money script. And my story category is what we call money vigilance. What doctors Klontz, Brad and Ted called money vigilance. These are the sabers and everything. So let's dig a little deeper into each one of these. Let's start to understand what's driving them. You might see yourself in there. You might see yourself in some of these microscopes. You might see that some of these might be running inside of you. Totally fine, Totally fine. Don't beat yourself up. Don't, don't judge yourself. Don't worry about it. Remember, the idea is to shine A light on the stories that might be impacting the things that you're doing from a money standpoint. Because the stories create. Help us create our thoughts. The thoughts will affect our behaviors. The behaviors will create our results. Okay, so let's go back to money avoidance and what that is. So money avoidance. These are the people that, what I call them, the avoiders. They're the ones that look at money and say, it's the root of all evil. Oh, my God. You know, the money is the root of all evil. And everyone that wants it, it's only for greed. Now, granted, greed is not a really good trait. Greed gets people to do things that they shouldn't be doing. It gets into compromise ethics and integrity and. And thieving. I mean, look at the Ponzi scheme, okay, that was greed. But here's the other side of that, okay? I was greedy too. I was greedy too.

Because I saw a return that this guy promised me. He said, you're gonna get 21% on your money. And I got greedy.

I tasted it. He sold it to me. And I could visualize it. I could see it. So I had this story going in my head what my life would be like. Oh, yeah, we just hit the mother lode. We hit something, all right, but it wasn't the mother load and money avoiders. The other thing that money avoiders is they have a lot of fear around money and they have a lot of disgust. They actually fear what would happen if they got money, how they would be looked at because of how they look at it. Now, where did this come from? I mean, they're making money the demon. They're making money, the demon. They're saying it's the root of all evil they're looking at. This probably came from something that happened early on in life or something that happened during your life where someone took money from you. I heard a story. In fact, they tell it in their book. They talk about this story that a parents, you know, one of the kids was. Was saving money. Saving money, saving money. The parents weren't really good with money. And the parents went and took the money out of the. The kids bank account so they could live. And what the child made that mean is people will take your money from you if you aren't careful. And putting it and saving it doesn't mean anything because people can take it from you. And so what they did is they became spenders. So we don't realize how those things can affect us because we're not paying attention to it. And we just do Things and go, that's just me. No, that's a story you're replaying over and over again. You're allowing it to create the behaviors, and those behaviors are then creating the results. Okay, so hopefully that that makes sense. Now, here's the thing. Money isn't the root of all evil. Money isn't just for the greedy. Money serves a purpose. Money makes a difference. Money allows us to get a message out. Money allows us to fund a movement. Money allows us to fund a mission. Money allows us to do research so we can help come up with other medical advancements, technological advancements, environmental advancements. All that stuff takes money. There's not about greed, it's about purpose. But here's the real truth behind the money is money is neither bad nor good. Money. And this is what, this is your solution if you find that you're a money avoider? One of the things we need to understand is that money has no positive or negative traits.

It's neutral. Money is just neutral. It just is what it is. And what creates whether it is positive or negative, whether it is productive or destructive, is how it's used. And so money, for the sake of money, it's not evil. It's not just for the greedy. It's a tool no different than a hammer or screwdriver. A hammer or screwdriver can create chapels, temples, castles.

They can destroy them, too. Money is the same way. And so if you find that you look at money through the eyes of an avoider, we need to start understanding where some of those negative traits came from and to realize that those traits are being placed on the money by your story and not the reality. Because money's just a piece of paper. It's a coin. It's neither bad or good. So that's the money. Boys, let's look at the worshippers, the money worshippers. This is kind of the opposite, because they're. They're the ones that say, hey, money is what's going to give me happiness. It's what's going to solve all my problems.

The problem is the tendency for these folks is to get on that treadmill. Remember the entrepreneur, the treadmill entrepreneur. To get on the treadmill and run and run and run. Because their sole focus is more money, more money, more money, more money, more money, more money, more money. And they think that if they just have more money, more money, more money, problems will be solved, happiness will be solved. Everything will be solved. And the way to solve it is with money. Now, wait a second.

We all know someone we've all seen people that realize that money doesn't buy happiness. I know that's a cliche term, but it's a truth. How many people do you know that maybe have a fair amount of money, but they're really not very happy? There's a study, there's a study that was done 2017, that was done by Harvard. 4,000 millionaires. 4,000 millionaires. They did a study, and that study was studying happiness and wealth. And you know, one of the biggest criteria for the millionaires happiness was how they generated their wealth. It was the journey of purpose that mattered, not the journey of wealth that mattered. See, but the problem is that if we worship money too much, we tend to be workaholics. We tend to neglect everything else for the sake of, is this going to make me a dollar? Is this going to make me dollar? Is this going to make me dollar, pound, euro, whatever it is your currency is. We get so caught up in just achieving, accomplishing, acquiring, we never think about, is this really what we need? Is this really of a purpose? Because we all know the most important thing. How do we get out of it? If you see that you're chasing money for money's sake, if you start to see this, one of the biggest ways to get out of this, and I'd say this in a lot of my presentations, because it's the principle, it's the very first principle we need to think about, is to know your why. Know your why. Here's what I mean by that. It's important to know your why before you worry about how and how much. See, in 2009, I had a breakup in a relationship, and I just had an aggravating conversation with her best friend. I, being angry, got on my mountain bike, decided I was going to do what most men do. I'm going to ride to the gym, I'm going to work it out. So I get on a mountain bike, and I lived up in the hills at the time, and I'm riding down a hill, I'm on the street and I. I'm angry and I'm pedaling, I'm pedaling. I'm going downhill, knowing I have an uphill. So I'm gonna get going as fast as I possibly can so I can coast up the uphill. And then my shoelace gets caught. And when my shoelace gets caught, I clipped the front brake, didn't realize it flipped. The bike, came down on my head, ended up unconscious. Ended up unconscious with a grade four concussion. I was stuttering. I could barely speak I had no feeling on the right side. And I remember during the healing process, a dear, dear friend of mine, he had retired at 37 years old. So he's. He was wealthy, he was living his life. He was doing. He says, I'm coming to get you. We're going. We're going out for a sandwich. So there I was in my neck brace. He takes me out to this pastrami shop, one of the best pastrami shops in, in the land. And we're sitting across. When I used to eat pastrami, I don't eat it anymore, but we're sitting across from each other, and he looked at me, he says, how much is enough? And what are you talking about? He says, how much is enough? I have no idea what you're asking me. He said, this accident you had was a product of the race that you're running, but you don't even know what the race is. He said, you're. You were angry, you were distracted, you were running fast. You just figured if you could just get more, do more, make more, and everything, problems would go away. How much is enough? Because until you know how much is enough, you don't even know where the finish line is. The why is the finish line. The why is what gives it all meaning. And it will allow you to sit back and step back and say, I don't need to be a workaholic. I don't need to be a money, I don't need to be a spender. Because buying material things might give me a momentarily pump of feel good, but then it goes away. And so, worshipers, we need to be aware of the fact and reattach to our why to move through it. Now, your stories will show up different in different ways, but you'll be able to categorize them in most cases in one of these four categories. All right, so let's move over to the statuses. These are the folks that use money as a measurement of their self worth. They connect their self worth with their net worth. And so here's what happens. If you think about it, they're like the stock market. When the stock market goes up, they feel good about themselves. And when the stock market tanks, they feel really crappy about themselves. That's not the way to live because you're on a constant emotional roller coaster of self worth that is dragging you down, bringing you up, dragging you down, bringing you up. It's like a manic swing because you saddled your self worth in this external object that we already talked about is neutral it's neither bad nor good. And too often people that are so focused on money, status, their stuff is obsessed. They want to drive the big cars, the fast cars, the beautiful cars, the expensive cars, even if they can't afford it. They want to put out the facade that is out there. And so in the process of doing that, they'll pile up a ton of debt to make it happen, because they want the status. Money isn't a status symbol. Money is a measurement of exchange, a measurement of value in an exchange. It is a currency. That's it. It is neutral. Fact is, in order to do this, if you are someone that's looking at things for status, look, I don't care whether you drive a pickup truck or a Rolls Royce, as long as you can afford it. As long as you can afford it. But I do care if what you're going to do is, is sell your financial future by going into debt just so you can try to impress people that don't really care and that don't really matter, and then they don't really care about you, because if they cared about you, your stuff wouldn't matter. So what we need to do, if we're in the status frame of mind, if we're in the status story, we need to think about prioritizing what truly matters to get really clear about our life and what are the key elements that truly matter to us.

To us forgetting what everyone else does, because it's really easy. And especially in today's social media world, you know, we're constantly paraded and barraged with people's perfect lives on Facebook, on Instagram, on Pinterest. Look at how beautifully arranged their house and their offices. If you could take a look at my office sometimes, oh, my God, my wife would be appalled. I tell her it's a sign of genus because sometimes it's messy. Life sometimes is messy. Now, I'm not saying not to care about what people think, but I am saying to not allow what people think become your place to make the decisions about how you're going to live your life. Assuming it's moral, assuming it's legal, assuming it's ethical, do it your way. If you want to drive a VW Bug and there ain't nothing wrong with VW Bug, then you drive it. If you want to drive a Maserati, great, but do it financially responsible. I mean, that's my point, is that I don't want you looking at the neighbor and go, oh, my God, they got a Tahoe. I better go out and get A Denali. That's the Keeping up with the Joneses kind of methodology. Joneses are broke. They're bankrupt. Okay? Quit following them. They're putting stuff on credit cards, and they just keep putting things on debt because all they're trying to do is create an impression and a facade for people to look at. The people on Facebook don't have your best interests in mind. The people on Instagram, the people on Pinterest that are looking at stuff, they're parading things in front of you, whether it's planes, trains, automobiles, I don't care. Ask yourself, when you look in the mirror, what matters to you and live your life that way. And those that choose to judge you because maybe you don't live your life the same material way that they want to.

Let them go. Let them go because it's your life to live your way again, ethically, morally, legally. Okay, now let's talk about the money vigilance. Money vigilance. Here's. Here are these folks. These are the organizers. Okay? These are the. Savings is a high priority. Savings is a big deal to them. So they're almost hoarding. There's a fear of spending. They don't want to spend on anything. They're the ones that are constantly doing this. Now, I grew up with a dad that on Saturday, he worked his rear end off during the weeks, and then on Saturday morning, he would sit with the newspapers, and we would get a couple of different newspapers, and we cut out all the coupons. Like, mom would give him the shopping list, and they would sit down, and we'd go through all the coupons, and he would cut out all the coupons, and he'd have all the coupons, and he would know which stores he could get the best deal at. And he was so good at it that the neighbors would say, call him up and say, hey, Joe, where's the best place to go get chicken breasts from? And go, oh, you gotta go here. My dad had it down to science. He mapped his route on Saturday morning. And so on Saturday morning, dad would leave, and he would go from store to store, from deal to deal with coupon to coupon, and then come home with bags and bags of groceries, knowing and proud going, I got the best deal. You know, and so I grew up with that. Now do I look for coupons? Yeah. Do I cut coupons? Hell, no. Okay. But I'll tell you something that I always do. If I'm shopping off online, I'll always step out of the shopping cart and do promo code, whatever the site is. And see if I can find a promo code. And all of a sudden you get a promo code for 10% off, 20% off. Yeah, put it in the cart. And now you got. So I'm coupon clipping digitally I guess, but I learned it from dad. But the key is this. Often we neglect vigilance. Sometimes they neglect themselves because of the fear of spending. They neglect their well being because of the fear of spending. They're making saving such a high priority that they no longer living the day, they're no longer living in the present moment. We have to find a balance to live in the present moment while preparing for our future. Hopefully this isn't making sense to you now. I am an organizer. Saving is a priority. If I was on this, money vigilance is probably one that's probably my biggest one. If I look at it, money status really doesn't matter to me. I mean, we live in a nice house, I drive a nice, nice car. I give it up. It doesn't matter to me. Me. What money gives me is the ability to make a difference in people's lives. I see it as a tool for that. It gives me the freedom to do the things I want to do. If I want to go speak to a youth group and donate my time to do that, it gives me the opportunity to do that. That's what money does. It buys me my options and my time back to do the things that are at a higher level. Does it allow me to. To travel and do nice things? Certainly it does. Certainly it does. But it's not from a worship standpoint and it's certainly not from a status. And like look at me because most of the time, if you saw me, I am in sweats and T shirts or when the weather's warm, in board shorts and flip flops. That's it. And so I got nothing to prove to anyone other than I'm living my life my way, legally, ethically, morally, and trying to make a difference to other people. So what do we need to do if we find ourselves in that place? Find balance. To realize that there is something that we need to do for the present moment and something we need to do for our future. So These are the four money scripts that Drs. Klontz, Brad and Ted Clontz talk about. And they're this part of this hybrid or this kind of new bred financial psychologist, which is really interesting because there is this behavioral finance movement where we start to understand that your financial future, your financial greatness or level is set by behaviors and not necessarily by knowledge, not necessarily by upbringing, not necessarily by anything else. In fact, it really becomes that. But your behaviors start with your mind, your behaviors start with your thinking. So hopefully you start to see that this type of thing starts to come into play. These money scripts, these money stories, whatever the stories are in your mind, remember they're interpretations that you put on them because you observed them through a lens and then gave them meaning. And if we would just take the time to move back and say, let me step out of it, look at it as an observer, let's separate the facts from the interpretations. Let's put the interpretations aside, let's take the facts and let's look at it for the reality. Money is neutral, is neither moral or immoral. It's how it's used money. We need to know our why or we'll constantly run, be workaholics, we'll keep going money. We need to prioritize our what matters, prioritize what matters. And that way we separate our self worth from our net worth because they're not connected. And we need to find balance between the present moment and living today and our future and funding a future that gives us financial liberation and affluence for our lives and our generations lives and beyond. And that's it. That's it. So I hope you found this of value in this episode of value. And if you did, do me a favor, let me know, Send me a dm, send me a comment, put a note in. If you have questions about this or any other episode or anything about money, wealth, business growth or anything, do me a favor, reach out to me. Let's get you on the show. Let's get the question on the show. Let's make it happen. Let me be your guide to an affluent future. All right, thank you for joining me on this episode of the affluent entrepreneur show. And I look forward to seeing you, hearing from you and talking to you in the next episode. Cheers. See you soon. Thank you for listening to the affluent entrepreneurship with me, your host, Mel Abraham. If you want to achieve financial liberation to create an affluent lifestyle, join me in the affluent entrepreneur Facebook group now by going to melabraham.com group and I'll see you there.

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