TES 040 - How to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation

Hey there, real quick before we jump into the episode, listen, if your earnings treadmill hasn't set you free yet, running faster won't either. Listen, hustle without principles just going to burn you out. So here's what I want for you. I want you to join me for my money machine experience live. It is three free trainings. Deep dive into how to escape the treadmill and build a money machine that actually works for you. All right, grab your spot here by going to moneymachinelive.com and I'll see you in the free training. Hey there. I'm Mel Abraham, the author of the number one best selling book the Entrepreneur Solution and the founder of Business Breakthrough Academy where we teach you how to design a business and create a life, a life of financial freedom and peace of mind. And welcome back to this episode of the Entrepreneur Solution show. And in this episode, we're going to examine something that I think will serve you across all aspects of your life. And we're going to talk a bit about a business, but it's going to help you. It will help you dealing with relationships, friendships, business negotiations, mediations, and it's all about communication. How do we have that difficult conversation? And I'm going to do this in two parts because that's the way that when it comes down to high stakes conversations, high stakes negotiation, high stakes mediation, we typically want to plan it out first. So I'm going to take you through the planning framework where we think about the focal points first. And then the second part of this, I'm going to take you through the actual conversation, how to have the conversation in that and each episode has its own framework and it has its own tool. In this episode, I have the three stages of conversation planner that you can download at melabraham.com Seth Session 040 and if you're not at your computer or you happen to be out and about listening to this, then go ahead and just text, text mylegacy, one word, no spaces to 38470. We'll make sure that we get that tool to you and get you the link so you can download it. Now, when we come back after this brief introduction, let's hit the three stages of conversation and I will see you back here soon. Soon. Cheers.

Welcome to the Entrepreneur's Solution, where highly successful entrepreneur Mel Abraham becomes your entrepreneurial mentor. Here, Mel reveals his business building strategies and even gets a chance to answer your questions. Mel Abraham, a CPA by education, but an entrepreneur by exhilaration and a true believer in the entrepreneurial way of life. It's through entrepreneurship that we create community, support society and live our dreams.

It's where pop possibility meets reality again. And you can have the life and lifestyle you want. One of freedom and peace of mind. Welcome to this episode of the Entrepreneur's Solution, where it's time for you to be bold, dream big and live life your way.

Hey there. Welcome back. I'm Mel Abraham, the author of the number one best selling book, the Entrepreneur's Solution. And welcome back to this episode of the Entrepreneur Solution show. And as I said in this episode, we're going to start on this journey, this journey about communication. How do we deal with that difficult conversation? How do we deal with high stakes conversations, high stakes negotiations, maybe mediations? And one of the first things that I look at is that we don't just flippantly go into it, we actually plan it out. We do some things up front, we do some legwork up front to understand and how to set up the conversation for success. And when we talk about success, my success, I like to look at negotiations and conversations not from a zero sum game. In other words, someone doesn't have to lose for me to win, but to look at and say, how do we create an outcome as best we can where both seem to get something out of it, where both feel like they got something out of it. And I think one of the things to do is to do it, do some planning up front first. And what I use is a tool that's called the three stages, the three stages of Conversation Planner. And I use that, I'm going to take you through that framework to kind of give you an idea as to what it is we need to be doing before we ever start the conversation. So let's start into that. And what we're really doing is saying, all right, what are the focal points? What are the things that we should be focusing in, on at the three stages of a conversation? And those three stages, I know this is going to be original to you. The three stages are before, during and after. I mean, that's the reality of it. I could have tried to be a little more clever, but it's before, during, and after. What are the things that we need to focus on before to set the conversation, to set the negotiation, to set the mediation up for success. And as many of you know, I've done a lot of litigation, expert witness negotiations, transactions, buying, selling, businesses, property deals around. And this is the process I go through to try and at least increase the odds of success, increase the probability of having an effective communication. And so when it is something that I think that is high stakes, it's best to do this pre work first before we ever get into the conversation. And that's why I want to take you through this. So before we ever get into the conversation, there's three things that I want to focus on. First is to gain clarity. Clarity about what the issues are, clarity about what the challenges are, clarity that strips away. Maybe it's a. A difficult conversation revolving around something that happens. So clarity around the issues. I'm going to have a conversation with a staff member, a team member, a vendor, a customer, whoever it might be. It might be a spouse, a significant other, it might be a friend. But I need to have clarity around the issues that happen and do my best to strip away the bias, to strip away the politicizing that might, the taking sides that might come about, and in an organization to get clarity on what the real issues are and try to remove judgment until I have all the facts. So the first step is to really make sure that I have clarity of the issues and have stripped away some of the things that might sway me one way or the other because they are a bias or bent that isn't going to serve me in this process. And one of the things that I'll do is I'll ask, what else could this be? Because it's really easy to evaluate a situation or set of issues from the perspective of what I saw. And I'll give you an idea. It's kind of a crazy idea, but, you know, let's assume that you happen to be in an office building and they're in this conference room and it's all glass in the conference room. And you see some guy picks up a chair and throws it through the glass.

And you look at that and you go, wow, that's not really a good thing. But it's because you're focused on what actually happened. Without having the proper context.

You've skewed your judgment based on how you interpreted that narrow set of facts. But then when you get the full set of facts, let's assume that there was a fire that had started and he was breaking the glass to allow people to get out. Different set of facts, different perspective, because we've widened that. And this is what I mean about getting clarity, is to make sure that we strip away that bent, that bias. That may give us tunnel vision where we don't see everything else and ask ourselves the question, what else could this be? What else could this mean? Then the second thing is what's our objective? Is our objective to make the deal happen? Is our objective to support the team? Is our objective to enroll the team and engage them to move in a vision and a mission in a way. So get clarity not only on the issues, but what is the objective? Because we can go into a negotiation, we can go into a conversation, and if we don't have an objective, we're just going to be willy nilly going around the conversation with no direction. And when we get the outcome that we didn't want, it's because we didn't define what it was we wanted in the first place. And then this, this last piece that before we ever get to the conversation is I think one of the most important things to consider is that is the environment.

What is the best environment to have this type of conversation in?

Is the environment that we're going to have it in, whether it's an office.

In a boardroom, in a Starbucks, in a restaurant. What is most conducive to getting the objective that you want to? Providing the clarity, to providing an environment that's going to be conducive to having meaningful dialogue that can shift and change the direction of the conversation between towards the objective where everyone feels like they're winning. And I think we need to be really careful about establishing the environment at the best level. For instance, this is just in a personal relationship. My wife, she works long days, sometimes she'll come home. I mean, the last thing that I should be doing when she comes home is start firing things at her. And I think we may have all done that with our significant other is they just come home and they're just getting barraged with things. But wait a second, is that the proper time? Is that the proper environment to do that? Or maybe we ought to allow them the time to unwind, the time to create an environment that's more conducive to having something discussion that is meaningful. So that's the three things before we ever have the conversation. Clarity, objective, environment. And then during the conversation, as we're having the discussion, I think we need to think about three other focal points and that is openness. If we come to a, if we come to a discussion, if we come to a conversation, if we come to a negotiation, if we come to a mediation without the spirit of openness, with a very distrusting, jaded view, the other side is going to feel it and they're going to pull back just the same. If we want them to be open, we need to be open. Now I'm not Saying to bear everything right away. But I am saying that the intent is to be open. The intent is to create transparency. And the intent is to communicate. And you're only going to communicate effectively if you're willing to be open about it at some level. And in order to be open about it and for them to be open about it, it takes us to this next piece, which is that they need to feel safe. This goes back to the environment, is that that there needs to be a safe place to have this conversation. And I'm not talking about safe in the sense of physical safety, although that matters and matters greatly. But I'm talking about emotional safety, spiritual safety, energetic safety that they feel safe, exposing and being vulnerable and having frank conversations with you. So I want to create an environment of safety during the conversation and then want to do it with empathy. I want to be able to step in their shoes. I want to be able to say, let me visit their world and see what they might be seeing and see where I can take it from there. If all I want to do is look at it from my world, I can't seem to. I'm not going to have the ability to understand where they're coming from, to come from a resolution standpoint. And that's really what this is about. It's about a conversation. And this whole episode came about because I saw posting about someone that was doing some things that upset family members, and the family members decided that they might want to sue him. And I responded to him saying, and he wanted to know about attorneys. I said, this isn't about litigation. It's actually about conversation. And have a meaningful conversation with your family members. Don't go to litigation. And the only way to have that is to be empathetic, to walk in their shoes, to see what they see, to feel what they feel. And then we can have a conversation. That doesn't mean that your desired result may shift, but at least you can say, I get it, I understand, I. I understand how you feel. Here's what I am thinking. And have a meaningful dialogue that comes from a place of their world empathetically in a way that maybe can move it along and shift the dynamics. And then after the conversation, so you've planned before it, you have an idea of what your focal points are during the conversation. And then we need to focus after the conversation because it's not done when you part ways and have the conversation. It's not done if we really want it to stick, if we really want it to be meaningful, we really want it to move forward, we need to do three other things or we need to focus on three other things. And the first is what's our follow up? What are the next steps that I should do to create and further the discussions that we have? And this will be in the process of having the conversation, you'll come up with what these things are and come up with the next steps and who's going to do this and who's going to do what. Be really definitive on that. Follow up and make sure it happens. Our word is everything. I believe and do what you say you're going to do and mean it when you say it. Your word is everything. And so follow up as you say you would. The second is consistency.

If someone, especially when you're dealing with teams, especially when you're dealing with employees and, and folks, is if they see you treating people inconsistently, that's going to create an environment of distrust. An environment doesn't feel safe. They're not going to feel open, they're going to pull back and then you're going to see everyone jockeying for position or looking at things from their own perspective in what can I get from that? Because they don't know how you're going to treat them. They just know that you're not going to treat everyone equally or fairly. And so I think that we need to look at it, say, am I being consistent with the conversations I'm having? Am I being consistent with the processes that I'm putting place? Am I being consistent with the standards that I'm setting? Am I being consistent with the way I'm showing up? And I'm not just talking about how you communicate to everyone else, but how do you show up? How do you do things? If you are expecting your team to act at a certain level, to be at a certain level, to have a certain standard, then you certainly need to show up that way too. And I know I'm preaching to the choir, but let's call a spade a spade. If there's no one that should look at things and say, I'm too good for this, but those rules apply to you. Now, I know my wife's going to argue with me because she jokes around with me saying that I don't think rules apply to me. But. But they do. They do. And we need to operate from a consistent basis. And then the last piece is this concept of relationships. That's what this is all about. The reason we're having a conversation, the reason we're going through this type of conversation is to Further the relationship, to create the relationship, to develop the relationship, to nurture the relationship. And so we need to come at it from what does it take to build the relationship? Now, I'm not saying that the relationship is going to grow where you become closer. In fact, this conversation may be a conversation of how the relationship shifts and change and transitions to a different type of relationship. Whether it's, you know, maybe the team member, the employees realizing this isn't the right position for them or the right place for them. So the conversation is how do I shift that relationship where this employment employee feels supported as they move on to the next phase of their career or their life. So all I'm saying is that I'm not giving you a specific type of relationship to create, but to be very definitive about. Here's the relationship that I'm trying to create with this person.

And what are you doing after the conversation, during the conversation and before the conversation that develops that relationship? Now, that may be bringing you closer, that may be shifting perspectives and positions, or that may be moving you apart, but what it is is an intentional navigation and creation of a relationship that is going to be done openly and empathetically through the process. And so if we're going into a situation again, if this whole process is before we ever have the conversation, it's to get our mind focused on the right aspects of the conversation. And I'll use this as a planning device. Before I go into any kind of high stakes negotiation, whether it's for a deal, whether it's for a litigation, whether it's for a purchase or sale, I'll use it. If I'm going into any kind of mediation, if, if I'm going into any kind of trial, going into any kind of difficult conversation where I can sit back and say, in order to put my best foot forward, in order to increase the possibility and the probability of success, let me take myself through these nine elements of clarity, objective environment, openness, safety and empathy, and follow up, consistency in relationship. And let me pre define them before I go into this game.

So I can have them set. And I'm not just going off into a conversation without preparation. And I think that that also serves the conversation and it respects the other party in the sense that you felt that it was important enough to have a conversation with them and that that conversation was important enough to take the time to plan it to be most effective, most meaningful and most impactful in the process.

I think our greatest skill that we could nurture and teach and develop is our ability to communicate. And we don't give it enough credence, we don't give it enough weight, we don't give it enough time from an education standpoint. And I think because to me, our ability to communicate allows you to motivate people to shift and change societies, to shift and change missions, to create visions and to create dreams coming true. And if we look just around us in society today.

Communication can solve all of the things that we're dealing with in society today if we just understood how to communicate more effectively and, and to not constantly butt heads to how to have that difficult conversation, how to have that meaningful conversation, how to create a conversation that's impactful. And I hope that this will serve you. I hope that this will move you forward in those conversations. And here's what I invite you to do before we leave this episode is I invite you to look at and say, is there a conversation coming up in your future, in the near future that is high stakes, important? And I'd suggest to you that every conversation is important because we're impacting lives. But it is one coming up in the future that you can take this and download the three stages planner and go through it and plan the conversation and see how it helps. And maybe, maybe you don't have something coming up in the near future. Maybe you had something that you just went through. Well, you can use the same tool to say, in a sense, it's kind of an autopsy of the conversation. Say, did I have the proper clarity? Did I properly establish the objectives? If I had done that and go through all of the same steps, could that conversation have gone differently? And so I invite you to do that. Use the tools that I have for you. I've got so many resources for you that I'm giving you access to because I want to see you grow, I want to see you develop, I want to see your dreams come to life through this entrepreneurial journey that we are all on. So I hope you found this of value to you. Like I said in the next episode, I'm going to dig into the actual conversation and give you my framework for having that difficult conversation. And in the meantime, what I would love for you to do, if you haven't done so already, please subscribe. Subscribe so I can stay with you on this journey so I can be your entrepreneurial mentor. This on this journey. And do me a favor, share it with a friend. I'd love to get the word out for people to know about the fact that there's a lot of good business resources that are real proven resources that have been used out on the street that have allowed people to build businesses, build meaningful lives that they have access to at their fingertips so they can go out and build their business and build their life by their own design. And then at the same time, if you have questions for me, you can ask them and I'll make sure that I get to them on one of the upcoming episodes of the Entrepreneur Solutions show. Just go to askmelnow.com leave me your question, I'll make sure I can get to them. So, last couple things again, if you want to download the Three Stages Planner, make sure that you go to melabraham.com session040 and if you're not at your computer, go ahead and text to 38470 mylegacy one word no spaces 38470. We'll make sure we get you that download and I look forward to serving you on the next episode of the Entrepreneur Solutions Show. And until then, may your vision be grand, your journey epic, and your legacy significant. See you soon. Cheers. Bye.

We hope you enjoyed this episode. Make sure you subscribe so you get access to all of Mel's business and success tips. And if you like this episode, share it with a friend. If you have a specific business or success question, you can ask it at www.askmelnow.com. remember, it's all about being bold, dreaming big, and living life your way because the world needs you. Until the next episode, may your vision be grand, your journey epic, and your legacy significant.

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