009. How to Set Goals That Don't Make You Feel Like Crap

Welcome. I am marketing expert and business coach Melissa Kellogg Lueck, and this is the Doing Business Like a Woman podcast, where we are exploring and teaching you how women are reinventing the way business is done and money is made to help you create greater impact and financial freedom one business at a time. Well, hello my friends and welcome to the podcast. I am so glad you're with me today. I'm so excited because we are talking today all about how to set goals that don't make you feel like crap. And I'm going to be selling you on this whole process of setting goals. And I know for myself that I did not always enjoy setting goals. And so for many, many, many years, I did not set goals. And so up until like about, I guess it's about five years ago, 2016 or so, I, I started setting goals. And so I want to talk all about that today. And I know that even those of us that love setting goals, you know, I'm a planner, so I love the planning part of it, but the feeling like crap because I didn't reach my goals part of it I do not like. And so I want to talk about that today because I think that goal setting can be such an amazing, amazing process, generative and loving and calling you higher and helping you to just get to where you want to go, make that vision that you've had in your heart, in your mind for so long to actually happen. And so setting a goal and setting goals and going for them is a great way to do that. And so we're going to talk all about that today. And this is all leading up, my friends, to my famous yearly planning, goal setting and coaching event that is this year going to take place in 2022, is going to take place in January, three days in January that we get to spend together. And it's going to be digging in to a lot of the topics I'm going to be chatting about on the podcast, digging into them, coaching through them. I'm going to have homework for you, and we're going to plan out your 2022 in a way that feels amazing. And so that for me is the result that I want to offer you. This is not just about setting goals and then not achieving them and feeling like crap. Let's just be done with that, ok? We're going to do it in a whole new way. We are going to set great goals for our business, our revenue, and then we're going to create a plan on how to get there that feels amazing, that is aligned with your business and your lifestyle, okay? Because we want to be having fun. We did not go into business for ourselves to not be having fun. And so I want to help you to create a plan that is going to be spacious and fun and something you can be excited about and determined to make happen. Okay? And also will respect your lifestyle, the life that you want to have that is not going to require you to sell your soul to the devil. We've already talked about that in a former episode and is just going to set you up for. For the most amazing year that you have ever had in your life and in your business. So if you are ready for that, we're going to have a great time and I hope you will join me for that in January. There are more details in the show notes and I have a little bonus episode and so. And of course on my website. So go and get signed up and I can't wait to see you in there. So, so. And that's going to be a really focused workshop where we are going to be actually together. I will be coaching, we will be there all live on Zoom together and creating these plans for you and getting all of your questions answered, identifying and addressing every obstacle that you have standing in your way. And so that you can launch yourself into 2022 feeling amazing and having a plan that is going to get you to where you want to go. Ok, so back to. But back up. We got to set our goals first, right? Actually, what we need to do, what I want us to do during this episode is to really be thinking about goals in a whole new way. And the way I've always thought of goals, the way I feel like we in our culture think about goals and you know, the, the bro business culture out there thinks about goals and crushing goals and all that. Let's just set that aside. We are going to come up with an entirely new way of setting goals and thinking about goals that actually is beneficial and not destructive. Okay? So like I said, I used to hate setting goals and so I just did not do it. And I used to have this boss many, many years ago that he was a very wise gentleman and he used to say, if you don't know where you're going, no road will get you there. And if you don't care where you're going, any road will do. And I used to think about that all the time. Like, you know, I want to. I want to go somewhere, but I don't want to set the course because if it doesn't happen the way I think it's going to happen, then I'm just going to be really disappointed and sad, right? And so. But I've always kind of, I've always kept that, that saying, that quote in the back of my mind. And I really do believe wholeheartedly that if we don't have a plan, if we don't have, and most of us have a plan and a vision, but we're afraid to put meat on those bones and set a course to actually get there, right? And that was me. Like, I've known all my life that, that I was meant to be a successful entrepreneur and business person. And I've known that my entire life. But what that success. I'm doing my air quotes success means and how I wanted to do that was always something that was very elusive for many years. And so until I started set myself on a course of discovering that and trying a whole bunch of things, I wasn't able to figure it out. I think maybe I thought it was going to drop down out of the sky somehow. And one day I would wake up and I'd be like, oh, I know exactly what I'm doing and what I'm supposed to be doing and how to do it, and look at all the money falling out of the sky. And, you know, I had some weird fantasy like that. I don't know, okay, anyway, I'm getting off track. But that's why I didn't set goals, right? I just was very failure intolerant. I wanted to avoid the pain of failure because I thought that failure meant that something was wrong with me, that my dream and my goal was just some stupid fantasy that I made up and it wasn't real. And I didn't want to feel the embarrassment or the humiliation of, of telling everybody, oh, I'm going to go achieve this goal and then not achieve it. And so I avoided that like the plague. And so that was not helpful. And so about five years ago, I didn't know how to set goals, but I decided that I wanted to grow myself and my business. I wanted to challenge myself. I really had a desire just to see if I was capable of more. I really felt like I was meant for more. And so I started out by writing a list at the end of the year of 10 things that happened that year that I was grateful for or that I was, you know, excited about, that I was proud of. And, and so that's kind of how it started for me, is was looking backwards. And then the next year I was like, huh, well, I'm going to write these 10 things that were really awesome. But what If I write 10 things about the coming year that I would love to see happen? And it was very low pressure, just kind of fun for fun. And it was pie in the sky with no plans or bones put on the meat on the bones. And so then when those things didn't happen, I was disappointed, right? And so there's a couple of things that I didn't understand at that time about goal setting that I now understand. And what is the purpose of goal setting? And so those things are that goal setting gives you direction, right? It is the lighthouse so you can see the light that you are moving towards in the darkness. It is the gps, it's the destination that you want to get to, right? So for me, you know, my big goal right now is to create a million dollar business. Now I am very far from that, but that is the destination that I have put into my gps and so that, you know, I want to do that within the next four years. And so that's my, my destination. And then the goals that I set from now until that point are all the intermediate turns and highways and the navigation on the gps, right? So those goals are giving me direction. It's my turn by turn directions to getting to my million dollar business. And so that's the purpose of goals, right? So I have the big goal later on down the road of the million dollar business. But then I have all these goals like between now and then that I'm setting yearly goals and monthly goals and all that. And so that is one purpose of goals. Another purpose is for us to see what we're capable of. And I love thinking about goals this way. It's like encouraging me to stretch myself. And how is it possible that a goal could be something that encourages me to stretch myself and see, see what I'm capable of rather than making me feel like crap, right? So that's part of this transformation of our thinking about goals. And so for each one of us, that's going to be a little bit different. But I'm going to have some suggestions for you on that in a little bit. So another purpose of setting goals is that you're planning growth. If you're not setting goals, you are not planning growth, you're just planning to just kind of coast, stay where you are, see what happens, right? And it goes back to what my old boss used to say, that if you don't care where you're going, any road will do, right? So it's setting a goal is saying, yeah, I care where I'm going, I want to go somewhere and I think I want to go here, right? And so goal setting is also an invitation to an adventure in your growth. And that is so fun. Like if I think about my goal is like of a million dollar business, it's like such an adventure, right? It's like, oh my gosh, what are all the ways that I'm, I could get there? Like right now I have a very clear plan on how I think I'm going to create my million dollar business. But you know what, it's probably not going to go that way because this is an adventure. It's just like driving the GPS directions to your destination, right? If you've got a three day drive ahead of you, as you're going on that journey, you're going to hit different obstacles and you're going to, your GPS is going to have to reroute. Maybe it's construction or maybe the bridge is out, right? You are going to probably not end up going in the exact way that you thought on the exact route you thought you would. But that's the fun of it. Isn't that what we've always told our kids or what our parents told us on road trips? It's like, ooh, this is an adventure. We don't know what we're going to see or experience all along the way, but we know at the end of this we're going to be at grandma and grandpa's house. But let's just enjoy the adventure along the way. And that's what your goals can do, is be that invitation to adventure. For me, it's also setting goals the way I set them now has been a huge teacher in how to have a loving and supportive relationship with myself and create a safe space for myself to grow and learn and, and try new things and experiment and just enjoy that journey and that adventure. So on that thought, in that vein, goals are not okay for changing our minds about goals. This is where we need to pay attention. This is what goals are not. Goals are not a club to beat ourselves over the head with. Because for my entire life, up until like, you know, a few years ago, I think that's, I'm sure that's what I did with my goals. I just used them as a reason to beat myself over the head about how inadequate I was, how I did not follow my plans, how I am just, you know, an imposter. I shouldn't be doing this. How I never stick to anything, you know, that is not what our goals are meant for. So we're just going to throw all of that in the trash. We are no longer. This is setting a standard. So if you want to set the standard with me, I ask you to raise your right hand. I can see you out there. Raise your right hand. I don't care where you are unless you're in the car and holding the steering wheel. Raise your right hand. And I want you to repeat after me. I will not. I will not beat myself over the head. Beat myself over the head with my goal. With my goal. Okay? We will not. We're no longer. That's our standard. We're no longer going to beat ourselves over the head with our goals and our progress toward them. Okay? So your goals are not. Not evidence of why you should not be doing what you want to do. Okay? So if we set a goal and we don't achieve it, that is not evidence. And this will not be used as evidence that you are an imposter and should just quit. And this business is not meant for you. You're going the wrong way. Your goals are not evidence of that. All right, so we can just set that down as well. Throw that in the trash can. Okay? And so what are our goals? All right, this is where we are going. These are the thoughts about goals that we are going to adopt for 2022 and for the rest of our lives. And then we're going to teach this way of goal setting to our children, to our nieces and nephews, to our friends, to our family. Okay? Your goals are. And to your clients, of course, too. Yeah. So I'm teaching them to you. You are all my clients. Right. Your goals are, number one, an invitation to dream, to connect with that dream. Because our dreams are. It's like they are inside of us. They are a part of our soul. They are part of our spirit. They are not tangible, yet they are intangible. So a goal and putting that dream and that belief, that faith in action is your goal. Right. That goal brings that dream, that vision to life into the tangible world. It is an invitation for your vision to become reality. Okay? Your goal is an invitation from your future self. So for me, I'm thinking about millionaire Melissa in 2024. This is an invitation from her to stretch myself and to see what I'm capable of in 2022. Right. So that is the goal. It's the beautiful. Written in calligraphy on the best card stock. It smells like lavender. And it's being delivered to you right now from your future self as an invitation to see what you're capable of because your future self, she knows all the amazing things that you are capable of that you are going to make happen for your life and for your family and for yourself and for your clients too, right? Your goal is an invitation to learn how to love yourself and have a safe and supportive relationship with yourself. Okay? So if you are able through your goals to create a safe and loving space for yourself to grow, then your goals are generative, they are useful and your goal is an invitation. This is one of my favorites. To have fun and play in the sandbox of your business and your life, right? So say for example, you want to create a six figure business in 2022 or grow your business, your current business is six figures, right? And so that is, that is a goal, but maybe also you want to. And I, I've had clients that have done this and it's been so fun to watch. You want to create a six figure business but also only work, you know, from the hours of 10 to 2 or you know, only work during the week and not on the weekend or have, you know, what is the lifestyle that you want to create. So this is your invitation to play in the sandbox. How could I create a business? And this was mine too, where I could be a one on one coach, which I absolutely love and have clients between the hours where my kids are in school so that I can be available when my kids go to school and available for my kids and all their activities when they come home and have served and helped and loved on my clients all day long and create a six figure or a multi six figure business. And you know what, it's totally possible. So you get to, you know, create just like get in that sandbox and say wouldn't it be fun? And I've seen my other clients do this as well. Like I have a client that is a extremely successful real estate agent and her goal was to have, you know, like a, I can't even remember what her numbers were, but a huge multi, multi six figure year. But also do it without killing herself, you know, feel, feel ease and feel space in her business and also be present for her husband and her kids and be able to, you know, drive her kids to school and pick them up and be available for their activities, but also be. And be present for them in their activities and also be a real estate agent, super successful real estate agent. And so that was her goal. And so for her achieving that wasn't about the money, but it was about the money and the lifestyle, right? So that's what I want to encourage you is to think about, yeah, we can all set monetary goals, but how do we want to do it? What is the lifestyle that we want to have? So your goal is an invitation to play in your sandbox, the sandbox of your business. So finally what I want to talk about is what would you have to be thinking about your goal to make it fun? And so in our event in Vision 2022 and January, we're going to be coaching on this and talking about this a lot more. But I want, but. And each one of us in that event are going to come up with these thoughts of what we're going to be thinking about our goals to make it fun and to make it generative and to make it so that it's calling us higher and we're growing and we're not beating the crap out of ourselves. Right. So some of the thoughts that I came up with off the top of my head are that it's fun to try everything I can think of to make it happen, make the goal happen. Right. Another thought is that my goal is a fun experiment. Like I want to think about it as a scientist. So a scientist doing an experiment in a lab, if something doesn't turn out according to their hypothesis, they don't make it mean anything bad about them. They don't think, oh no, this is proof that I should not be a scientist. This one failed experiment means that I should not be a scientist. No, that is the whole purpose of science, right? Is to come up with ideas and test them out. So how can we think about our goals that way? Right? And so that's something that really helps me out, is just to have put on that scientist hat and think about my goals as a fun experiment. I'm going to go out, I'm going to try this thing that I think will work and if it doesn't work, then we will evaluate it, iterate it and try it again. And we're going to go through that process too. I have a process of celebrating, evaluating and iterating. And I'm going to teach you that will help you to learn from every single failure. And failure is part of it. Right. And so I'm going to be talking about that too, because that is just so incredibly important. But not right now. Today we're going to stay focused. But your goal. So another thought I have to have about my goal, I want to have about my goal is that it's a great way for me to become more failure tolerant. So failure is part of the journey of being an entrepreneur, of growing a business, of being a human. Right? So failure doesn't have to mean awful things. We get to make it mean whatever we want to make it mean. And so if we put on that scientist hat and say, huh, and you know, have an approach it with curiosity, it's a completely different spirit that we bring to that. And so that's another way that we can change our mind about goals and about failing. And then finally, for me, I love to think about setting goals as being a great example to my kids, like showing them you can have audacious goals and them getting to watch me on that journey. I think it's such a great example for my kids, my clients, my peers, my family, my team members, and to just really model and live out goal setting in a way that doesn't feel like crap. So if this all sounds good to you, if you want to come on this journey with me to learn how to set goals that call you higher, that do not tear you down, I invite you to come along with me and to start thinking about goal setting in a new way. I'm not promising rainbows and daisies, but I am promising that you have the option to feel fully supported, to feel fully expressed, to feel loved and have tons of fun on this journey. And yes, we can be disappointed when things don't work. That's ok, right? Failure doesn't have to feel great. We can be embarrassed, but it's just a feeling. And then we can have curiosity, maybe. So I just invite you to come along with me to think about goals in a whole new way and join me for Envision 2022. Join me for all the podcasts coming up this month in December. And I also invite you to reach out and let me know your thoughts and how you like to think about goals in a way that is generative and supportive for you. So I hope you have a great rest of your day and your week and I will talk to you again soon. Take care. Bye. If you like this podcast and want to take this work deeper, I invite you to coach with me one on one. It all starts with a conversation. Let's get on a call together and I'd love to learn more about you and your business. And together we can identify identify what is standing in the way of creating the business and life you envision. And then we'll create a plan to get you there. So visit my website@melissamkellog.com and find a spot on my calendar. I look forward to seeing you.