Creating Turn On

When we own our turn on, it lets us really own the truth of our erotic nature, that it is ours and ours alone. And what becomes possible when we own it is that we can use it as a source of energy for ourselves. That our turn on and our sense of our own juiciness and aliveness is like a renewable energy source for everything else we want to do in our lives. Foreign welcome to Sex Love Power. I'm your host, Michelle Lizenberry Christensen. This podcast is where I convene the conversations about love and sex that help powerful women and those who love them to create the intimacy and intensity they really want in bed and in life. Together, we navigate the tensions between our desire and our devotions, between our wildness and our security with our eyes wide open. This podcast is designed to help you create more closeness, ease, pleasure, and justice in your relationship. And we do it by blending wisdom from the fields of sexuality and spirituality, trauma and self regulation, and intersectional feminism. I'm so glad you're here. Alrighty. This week we're gonna talk about Turn On. And so often couples will come to me, and at least one of them will say, I want to feel more turned on in this relationship. But the way that they talk about it often sort of says, I want my partner to turn me on more, or I'm just not that turned on by him, or I'm not that turned on by her. As if our turn on were created by our partner and brought to us on a platter. When in fact, my experience is that Turn on is something we create within ourselves. And our Our turn on has a lot to do with a great many things that take place outside the bedroom, outside the erotic arena, like how fair the division of labor in our partnership feels. Things like how respected we feel, how well heard and well held we feel. Our turn on has a lot to do with how much we respect and appreciate the way that our partner takes care of their own aliveness, their own joy, their own physicality. And when any of those pieces is out of place, it can dampen our turn on. But what I want to talk about today is the way that within ourselves, we can create our own turn on. And some of the ways that are pretty popular that people choose to create their own turn off. So we'll look at what happens when we don't turn ourselves on and what becomes possible when we do turn off. And then I'm gonna teach you three ways to make sure you're turned off and three ways to make sure you're living your most Alive, full self, just dripping in, turn on. All right, so let's go. Let's start with the why. Why does turning ourselves on even matter? What does it make possible when we do? And then what happens when we don't turn ourselves on? So relying on our partner to turn us on makes our turn on really vulnerable to their moods, to. To the chapter of life that they're in and that we're in, to the amount of time that they have available to us, to the current skill set and capacity they have for turning us on. So that's really a precarious position to put your turn on in. And that's why it's really crucial that we own our own turn on. And also for a lot of us, there's a lot of unlearning we have to do of things that we've been taught about sex by our culture. That. That your sexuality belongs to somebody else, that you should only have it in relation to somebody else. So, you know, the notion of a good girl or our entire slut shaming culture says that a woman is not meant to be sexual at all, to think of herself in that way, or to express her sexuality deliberately herself until she's under the auspices of a proprietor's relationship. Once she is, someone's married. Actually, under a lot of religious rule systems, she has to be married before she has sex, even though she may understand that her fiance may actually try to have sex with her before that she's supposed to resist it or supposed to lie about it. So whether or not you have that level of requirement of yourself, there's still a cultural kind of story that men want sex more than women, that women's turn on, women's libido, women's desire isn't as big as men's, and that it certainly doesn't function independently of their husband's attention. But none of those are true in lived experience for a lot of women. So when we own our turn on, it lets us really own the truth of our erotic nature, that it is ours and ours alone. And what becomes possible when we own it is that we can use it as a source of energy for ourselves. That our turn on and our sense of our own juiciness and aliveness is like a renewable energy source for everything else we want to do in our lives. And if we don't turn ourselves on, there's not only that vulnerability to the vagaries of the busyness of life and our partner's own fallibility, but we also lose a lot of the agency over Other things in life so sort of paints us into a corner of waiting for life to come to us and waiting for the things that we desire to happen for us and settling for them if they don't. So when you own your turn on, you are laying the foundation for owning your life. So I want to go next to the ways that we turn ourselves off, because these are insidious and, and they're also really subtle. I want to talk about three ways. First, settling. We turn ourselves off through coping, through putting up with tolerating, telling ourselves this is as good as it gets. We settle by just getting by, by not choosing where we are and also not choosing to refine what's happening and have it our way. Now sometimes having it my way looks like asking for a change or declining to do something, saying no to what's going on and, and requesting something to be different. But other times, the path to getting my way is paradoxically actively choosing right where I am and what I'm in. When I turn around something that I wouldn't have chosen and deliberately decide to choose it, then I get to have it my way simply by having chosen to use my sovereignty in that way. And then sometimes having things my way looks like having my feelings about them and then doing what needs done so I can embrace the emotions of frustration or disappointment, fear or dislike, and then show up for them. So it's my way, even though it wouldn't have been. But the key here is that settling is the way to turn yourself off and choosing is the way to turn yourself on. And that brings me to the second piece. Disapproval is a fantastic way to turn yourself off. When we disapprove of ourselves and other people and the experience we're having in the moment, we inexorably turn ourselves off, allowing and embracing our turn ons. Even inside an experience that we don't dig or a feeling that's uncomfortable, we can create a sense of approval. We can accept and enjoy the perfection of the experience alongside those uncomfortable feelings. So one of the ways that this really plays out right there in the intimate moment with our partner, we turn ourselves off by disapproving of what just happened, disapproving of what they're doing or not doing, disapproving of our own body or how we look or smell or taste or are experiencing this particular kind of touch. And when we get disapprovy when we make ourselves or our partners wrong for what's happening, they then we lose our agency to change it. But when we can approve and Go. Oh, that's great that that just happened. I love that the way you just touched me was painful and I don't want you to ever touch me like that again. But I approve that it happened because now we can talk about it. Then we are in a much better position to actually stay present and not have to shut down our erotic connection in order to correct for the thing that was painful or felt awful emotionally or whatever it is. So approving doesn't mean we don't ask for a change. It just means we don't put that energy of judgment and rejection onto it. So the third thing that we do that turns us off is disembodying. We disembody when we forget the life force flowing through us. You disembody when you numb yourself to all the sensations available in every moment, whether that's textures against your skin, temperatures, scents, tastes or emotions, all these things are highly sensational. And when we're feeling that sensation, it's not all going to be turn on. But when we feel sensation, we are available to turn on. When we're not feeling, but instead thinking our way through life or medicating ourselves with busyness, with food, drinks, drugs, medications, shopping, mental binges, then we're not available for turn on. Turn on only and always happens in the moment. So you must be present to win. So those are the three ways that we turn ourselves off. We might go into settling, we might go into disapproval, or we might go into disembodying. Now let's look at the three ways to turn yourself on. I mean, there are more than three ways. But in this quick episode, I want to teach you three ways to turn yourself on. So first, remember that you are the Divine incarnate, that all of the energy and power of the divine masculine and the divine feminine flows through you. You can express and shine out that power at any time. And that may sound grandiose to you or overly woo woo. And I know it would have to me in the past too. But through practice, I am coming to realize in an embodied way, the truth. The truth for me really is that I came here as an expression of the divine, to experience this earthly life. So whether you believe that or not, you could play with it as a what if. What if you were an emissary from another planet, say? Or what if you were the infinite itself pretending to be one person? And what you came to this planet to do was experience life as. I don't know, in my case, as Michelle Lisenberry Christensen. And what if you knew you only had 120 short years to do it. That's how long I think I have here. Then what would you do? If with today, what's right at hand, today, what's clearly on the docket to experience today what has been served up to you. Oh, it's getting Mira to the bus stop. Oh, what's available is ironing this Santa Fe railroad patch on Cooper's engineer hat. Oh, Kurt's leaving for work. What's available is to kiss him in this juicy way like he was just coming home and we had three hours to be alone together. So being available to to experiencing all of life as if this were the divine's only chance to experience it through you, through your body, lets us claim all the lightness in this moment. For me, it includes doing my yoga practice full out, drinking in the wisdom of letting blocks and blankets and bolsters support me so that I can go deeper. The wisdom of rooting down before I twist rather than going for maximum twistage, but without that foundation. And then it's employing those lessons everywhere in my life. That's what's available to me. So by wholeheartedly doing these things, I turn myself on. I love who I am when I show up in that way. Now, second, you can turn yourself on more explicitly in a more literally sexual way. To do this, we can take ownership of our ongoing turn on through what I call the orgasm habit. Make sure that you're swimming in orgasmic energy every day. What are the things that erotically turn you on? A self pleasure practice that's truly delicious and not perfunctory is a precious part of turning yourself on. That means bringing awareness of your erotic alive side into how you dress, how you groom and adorn. And then it means touching yourself in ways that bring you pleasure. It means finding a lube you love and maybe a sex toy or three. They could be electric or they could be manual that help you reach new spaces of pleasure. And above all, it means giving yourself the time to refuel in this crucial way. Not just to refuel your turn on for the sake of your relationship, but to refuel yourself as an orgasmic being. And then third, what are the things that make you feel nearly orgasmic even though they're not overtly sexual? These might be running or singing or pottery, whatever brings you wildly alive. These are your unicorn space practices, as Eve Brodsky calls them. And she's got a new book coming out in December that I cannot wait to share with you. These are practices and projects that help you be the most interesting to you version of yourself. They're crucial to living a turned on life and to being available for turn on when you and your partner want to cultivate that together. For me, unicorn space is writing and creating. Yoga is definitely part of my unicorn space and playing with new poses that are just past my edge. And right now I'm working on a burlesque act that has me definitely out at my edge in terms of vulnerability and creativity and self exposure. And that's absolutely making me come alive in new ways. So if all of this sounds a thousand miles away for you right now, that might be a sign that you need to claim some more time for yourself. My Fair Play Foundations program helps women examine their relationship to invisible labor. They come to understand where they might find the time and energy that have felt elusive because they come to see how very freaking much they actually do every day, week, month and year. And then they get ready to have a constructive, ongoing dialogue and system for creating a more equitable distribution of those kinds of tasks at their home. It's crucial boots on the ground work. It's a million miles from sex itself. And for many women, myself included, it has been key for creating more turn on. If you want to know more about this program, just go ahead and reach out via my website contact form or you can DM me on any social channel. Thank you so much for being with me today on this episode. I love talking about what becomes possible when we take ownership of our own turn on. We went over three ways that we turn ourselves off and three ways we can turn ourselves on. And I hope that you'll think of at least one actionable strategy that that you're going to go and employ to let more of the divine life force flow through you today and every day. You deserve it and the world needs it. I firmly believe that turned on women, women who have come fully alive to themselves, women who claim and maintain that unicorn space are the key to solving the problems that ail the world. It's you baby. Turned on. Fully alive. Not you sacrificing yourself for the common good, but but you adoring and embracing yourself for your own sake and allowing the common good to be served by the spillover. I'd love to hear what you're taking away from this episode and what questions you have. Where do you feel this conversation in your body? My free conscious couples circle is the place to continue our conversation. You can share your experiences, ask questions and get more actionable ideas for creating the love and sex you deeply desire, desire in ways that evolve you both. It's all happening@society.lizenberry.com that link is in the show Notes for you. You know, new listeners need to hear what you're taking away too. Podcast reviews are what really help others recognize how this podcast is different from other relationship and sex podcasts. So thank you in advance for leaving a review right now in your podcasting app while you're thinking of it. Before you forget, with just a few words about what this show gives you. And hey, have you subscribed to the podcast? You're going to want to, so you never miss an episode. Please go to the app where you listen, hit that subscribe button and then you'll always get notifications of new episodes when they drop. Thank you so much for listening. I'm Michelle Azenberry Christensen and this has been Sex Love Power. I will see you on the next episode and until then, may the light within you illuminate the world around you.