Hit a Gift-Giving Home Run

Foreign welcome to Sex Love Power. I'm your host, Michelle Lisenberry Christensen. I'm a relationship and sex coach and for 23 years I've worked with executives and business founders and over time they begin to ask me more and more to help them with their intimate relationships to the point that I focused pretty much exclusively on that for the last dozen years or so as they sought my coaching to push the envelope on how good they could have it in life and in love and sex. My extraordinary high performance clients have blessed me with a wealth of knowledge about how to create relationships that aren't just successful, but truly great. This podcast is where I convene the conversations about love and sex that help every listener create those same world class results in their relationships. If you've ever been frustrated about gift giving around the holidays or anniversaries, birthdays, Mother's or Father's Day, Valentine's Day, you name it, this episode is for you. These occasions should be, and theoretically are times for thoughtfulness, creative self expression in your gifting, generosity, receptivity, gratitude and joy and intimacy all around. That's the point, right? But the lived experience people have is often really different from all of that. Maybe you wound up feeling pressured, shamed, feeling like you failed, feeling discouraged, thinking why do I even bother? Maybe even thinking that your partner is impossible to please. I get it. You're not alone. And today's episode is going to help because I'm breaking it all down. Why gift giving in relationships can get so frustrating, the mistakes that lead to gift giving, misery, and what you can do to feel successful, to have your partner feel loved, and to be closer than ever. After this holiday season, I want you to feel like you're absolutely nailing it in as many parts of life as possible, including gift giving, so that you can thrive and share your light, your love and your abundance with everyone. This world sure needs it and you for sure deserve it. So let's dive in. First, we'll look at the top two reasons that holidays are so fraught with regard to men in particular, giving gifts to their partners, and the places that men sometimes go in the face of that pressure. First, we'll look at the top two reasons holidays are so fraught with regard to men in particular, giving gifts to their partners, and the places that men sometimes go in the face of that pressure. Now, with all of this, I'm going to talk in a gendered way because there's a ton of truth in what I'm saying here in man, woman, heterosexual couples. But if Your gender identities are different from that in your couple, then what I'm saying may still be very relevant and helpful. And I want you to see me looking you in the eye right now and saying I love you and, and I support you. And I am not here to be heteronormative, just to speak from my experience and that of most of my clients. So why are holidays so fraught for men trying to get their partner a gift? First reason the commercial con job. Whether birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, maybe Christmas, maybe another religio cultural holiday, and for some, Mother's Day. These can all be landmines in our material culture. Some commercial interest, from Hallmark to De Beers, who markets diamonds to the floral industry and beyond, has tried to put its fingers into your holiday. They have collectively flexed their persuasive muscles to convince men and women and all of our partners, especially in heterosexual unions, that love can and must be proven on this particular day through commercial expression. Reason number two that holidays are so fraught is pent up desire. Something happens around holidays to women who have been self sacrificial, overly patient, generous to a fault for the rest of the year. Such a woman hasn't been actually entirely virtuous though. No, what she's been doing is keeping a tab. And now, buddy, it is time to pay up. You can settle the score by getting this thing juuust right. But man, what are the chances? That is a ton of pressure, right? And if you're like many of my clients, here's where you might go in the face of this pressure. First, to rebellion or defensiveness. When you see how much pressure she's putting you under to get this holiday thing just right, you might holler, no fair. You might say, I'm not going to play this game. You might defend the things that you have done for her, the things that you've given her in the past, and say, why wasn't that good enough? Second, you might go to avoidance, procrastination, forgetting, not having a gift in time, waiting to order something until they're out of them. Those are all manifestations of avoidance. If you can't win, if your chances of getting it right seem paper thin, why even go there? If rebellion is a deliberate giving up, then avoidance is a more subtle oh, it slipped my mind. Or whoops, her birthday's tomorrow. Or oh, how did Christmas get to be next week? So you actually direct your energy away from the upcoming event, which further ensures disappointment and hurt all around. Now third, you may try throwing money at it. Some men try to make up in cash for what they have not invested in thought or time. This sometimes works to an extent, because they'll pick something like jewelry, a car, beautiful clothes that hits a spot, if not the heart spot that their woman was hoping for. I mean, it's hard to complain about carrots worth of diamonds or shiny chrome, but they might not actually create intimacy and nourishment for you both. And that's the real goal. None of these approaches gets you to that successful, close, happy, hot connection you really want, right? So let's look together now at the easiest way to succeed at gift giving and experience giving. I got seven simple steps for you. Ready? All right, step one Decide you want to hit a home run. Really decide that that's what's going to happen. This time I am going to be successful. If you make a clear decision, the resources for it to happen will come a lot more easily. Step 2 give yourself exponentially more time. Now, I'm recording this just a couple weeks before Christmas. It won't land until the week before Christmas, so I'm probably not even talking about this Christmas with this step, but in a general sense, this is one of the keys. Start planning just little steps at a time, way in advance. So late December is a good time to be listening to this with regard to, say, Valentine's Day or Mother's Day, or if your person has a birthday in the first half of the year. Step 3 Set aside an hour to schedule recurring reminders to yourself for the future. For example, a reminder to start thinking about holiday gifts in September or October of each year, a reminder about your partner's birthday for two months in advance, a reminder about Mother's Day if applicable, or if not applicable to your partner. Then for your mom for March, an anniversary reminder for two months in advance of that. Certainly this works really well for partners of fathers too, right? So set yourself reminders months in advance of the particular day so that you can go back to step two and give yourself exponentially more time. Now, a bonus tip here. Include even if you have to ask your partner what the dates were, include the anniversaries of things like your first date, your first kiss when you moved in together, your engagement, et cetera. Those are wonderful things to celebrate and your partner will love it to be able to think that, yeah, my love always celebrates our little mini anniversaries too. Now step four. Make an evernote or now I'm just nerding out on notion myself right now. We'll see if I fill in six months from now, but I've been an Evernote fan for years and if you don't know about this free app, check it out. E V E R N O T E. You can put a note into your system where you can keep a running list of ideas. When your partner shows you something in a magazine or they ooh over something in a store window, take a note. Those are hints as to how you could hit a home run. Step 5 Get help. Get to know some of your partner's favorite stores and pay one or more of them a visit with your partner. Meet one of the salespeople there that your partner likes and say, I want you to be my elf to to help me get great things for this person here. Will you please ask the kinds of questions that you know to ask so that you get the info out of my partner that you'll need in order to help me pick the perfect gifts for them that will help you a ton. And it's a win, win, win. Right? And your partner's friends and siblings can also be key allies as you're seeking to hit a complete home run with them. You do not have to do this alone. Now step six is write, write, write, write. Long hand writing is sadly becoming a lost art. It will be so meaningful if you write to your partner. The simplest way to do this is to write a note with three things that you love about them for the next event. A little bit more complicated. Write some of your favorite memories of the two of you. Write some of what you've learned from your partner or learned by being with them longer term. Start a little journal where you write something that you love about your partner every day and give it to them a year from now. That is epic stuff. That is a home run gift for pretty much anybody and it just takes moments a day. Step 7 Outsource. Especially for milestone birthdays, call in other people who love your partner. Plan a surprise party, a tribute video. Check out tribute.com to learn more about that. Or just a surprise collection of letters or cards. This can be like a gift of a lifetime. One of the most meaningful things that someone ever gets that just moves them to tears. You'll ask other people to contribute, but you are going to get the credit. All right, I trust those seven steps are helpful, but you may still want your partner to tell you what they're desiring or what they prefer. Right? So here's how to teach someone to tell you what they want. First things first, we've got to get the person to believe that they can be thrilled to get what they ask for, rather than them requiring the giver to read their mind and then give them what they want without them having to name it. Many women in particular seem to carry this belief that if I have to tell you, it doesn't count. Can you just picture her arms crossed over her chest now? I can. But that belief really limits how much satisfaction someone can get, since so few partners, few humans for that matter, are utterly clairvoyant mind readers. So ask your partner if they're caught in that kind of attitude, do you feel like if I have to tell you, it doesn't count? And if your partner says yes, ask if they'd be willing to reconsider that position if you could assure them that in a few years they won't have to tell you anymore because you'll have learned how to get them the just right thing and do the just right thing for them and with them. So if they're willing to suspend their disbelief and give you some hints, I want you to do these three things. First, ask great questions, like this one, tell me about your deepest desires this holiday season. What feelings would my gift and my planning ideally evoke for you? The second thing, when you notice something that your partner seems to envy someone else having, or something they seem to really enjoy, ask now, is this something you might like as a gift? What do you want me to know about that? And third, tell your partner, I'm learning how to really wow you with my gifts. I would love anything you could provide to help educate me or. Or if you'd rather I talk with one of your friends or sisters, let me know who, and I'll do that. So those are the three actions. And then here's a possibility I want you to prepare for. Even after you do this kind of exacting, focused work, you may swing and miss. There'll be times when you put energy and creativity into a gift or into an experience and the recipient doesn't like it. Despite how hard you've worked in school or at work, you've probably gotten constructive feedback before. I mean, few accomplished people get accomplished by throwing in the towel whenever their work product doesn't get rave reviews the first time, right? We go back, we edit, and we try again, don't we? We grow a thicker skin, we develop resilience in the face of feedback. And I'm here to tell you it's got to be the same in your relationships. I know it hurts, it feels like it's different, and we tend to react differently. But I want you to Call up that same resilience that you use at work, because this is for life. You're devoted to this person and you've got to wade back in there. You do not want to just put a lid on how successful your relationship can be because getting feedback hurts. You have got to wade back in there. And this is the point in a conversation with a client where they'll often say to me, but, Michelle, I really think maybe it's just impossible to please her. Does it seem like your partner absolutely cannot be pleased? If so, you're not the first person. So let's stay with the school or work metaphor. If you had a professor or a boss who just couldn't be pleased, who was riding you mercilessly with a moving target, you'd probably quit or you'd try to get reassigned. Now, at home, when we're married, rather than seeking another position, what we sometimes do is just try to pretend that that part of our role doesn't exist. It's like putting our fingers in our ears and going, la, la la, la la la. But that's really a very passive aggressive thing to do, and it's not fair to either of you. It shuts your relationship down. So what I recommend when it seems like she cannot be pleased is. Is the same thing I recommend for when you know she can, but that you haven't hit on it yet. Don't stop. Keep evoking her heart's desires from her. An otherwise lovable woman whose satisfaction on holidays seems really elusive. If you look at it from her standpoint, she's pretty ouchy inside. This is a person who has some yearnings and some old hurts that are getting in the way of their receiving what they really desire. Now, as the beloved of this person, you are in a powerful position as a healer. You can draw out of her what she really desires, and you can help her heal those painful places where holidays still push her buttons. It's such a beautiful role to play if you can do so wholeheartedly now, maybe you're game for that. And then your next question is, what should I say if I got her something that missed the spot? So here are a few of the best responses my clients have used that their spouse has responded well to. First, I'm not here to defend my gift. I'm here to get satisfaction from totally delighting you. I want you to partner with me to create those feelings of satisfaction for both of us. Are you willing? So make it a really pointed request. The second thing you could say is, what feeling do you want your gift to evoke. And then when they've told you, follow up with this, what do you think would help you feel that way? So you're getting good feedback now. Third, you could ask, was it the essence of what I did or the particulars of the gift that didn't give you what you desired? Now you're asking this without any sarcasm or rhetorical question vibe, because you could ask it with that too. But the next thing you ask is, are you willing to be met and seen and satisfied and loved? That question is a really powerful one because sometimes we're not, or not entirely, we're not unambivalent about getting what we're hungry for. Receiving is a huge challenge, and the conditioning that women go through makes it even harder to let in what we really want. So the follow up on this question is, if you're not totally willing, what part of you is holding back? And what would help that part of you if, as her partner, you're able to ask someone these questions, you are opening the doors to untold riches in terms of intimacy and growth and emotional healing for this woman who so wants what she wants. And at the same time, just as that is like a foot on the gas, she has her other foot on the brakes. You can help her take her foot off the brakes by just staying with it and not taking it personally, knowing that her pain and her hold back is about her. And that's why I want you to try so hard first to really put your creative heart into discerning what it is she's hungry for. Because it may be you half assing it that's holding it back. And when you know you're not half assing it, it'll be really clear that it's her receptivity that's holding back the level of satisfaction you want and the level of delight she wants. So this is the way you hold her accountable. This is the way you put the ball squarely in her court for her part of it. You eradicate your part first. Now, please know that I'm not saying that's fair or that it should be you first. I just am always talking to whichever partner I'm with and asking them to go first simply because I'm there. Because that's where our power is. If we go first, if we take the high road, then we have control over how quickly our relationship evolves because we're not waiting for our partner anymore. And that is a powerful place to be. So the fourth thing you can say, if all else fails is this I want to say something that I think may be painful for both of us. I say it with deep compassion for where you are and a commitment to helping you feel loved and seen and met by me. Or you can put in there whatever you think she wants to feel based on what she's told you. Are you ready? Ask her if she's ready. And then when she consents, say, your yearning may be bigger than this one holiday can meet. How can you and I work on filling up your tank every day? So with this one, you're really saying, I'm really trying here. I know you're trying and you want love and satisfaction and feeling loved, but it seems not to be working. And I'm wondering if we're trying to do too much with this one holiday. So I'm going to keep trying on this day and I'm also willing to try every other day. Are you willing also? Because that's what I see time and again, is that one particular day, whether it's a birthday or Christmas or whatever, becomes the proxy for the other 364 or 365 days in the year and it collapses under the weight of all that expectation. So if we can begin to change our ways, then by the next time that holiday rolls around, there's a lot more room for satisfaction with that day because it's not traded with so much. So we started with how do you get it right with gift giving? And as you can see, this, just like so many other things in relationship, in my hands anyway, cuts right to the core of our hungers, our yearnings, our wounds and our potential as human beings. This is why relationship is such a powerful place to learn and grow and become. Who we're here to be is because so many access points lead straight to the heart. So gift giving, you can chalk it up as trivial and commercial and greedy grab, but really it's speaking to really tender hungers and yearnings in all of us to be satisfied by our giving and to be satisfied by our receiving. You can engage it as the spiritual path that it has the potential to be. I hope that all these tips have been helpful. This is my crash course in how to hit a holiday home run. So this holiday season, I hope it helps you and perhaps if it's a little late for this holiday season, then definitely over time, if you'll use these tips, I know that they'll help transform how this stuff goes down in your relationship. As you can see, my aim is not just an enthusiastic oh, thanks so much honey. But a real deepening of your relationship and a soul level healing of those wounds of not enoughness, unlovability and frustration that shoot through frankly most of the people I've ever met, no matter how high functioning or basically happy we are. So please go use these tips now and get going on your holiday home run. I wish you ease and fun, joy and love and I would love to hear about it as you create it. Now I wish for you and for our community is that you will join the conversation over on the secret society@society.lizenberry.com It's a great place to ask your questions, share your experiences, and join the conversation about creating the love and sex we deeply desire in ways that evolve both partners. It's all happening@society.lizzenberry.com that link is in the show notes@lizenberry.com Episode 018 if you have enjoyed this or other episodes, what would help me and the podcast immensely is if you would go leave a review, particularly in Apple Podcasts because those are a huge help in the show finding new listeners and growing the positive impact that these conversations can have. So please go leave a review right now. Give us some words about what the show gives you. I would so, so appreciate it. And hey, while you're there, have you subscribed to the podcast? Please do, for your own sake, because that way you'll never miss an episode. Go to Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen and hit that subscribe button so you always get notifications of new episodes each week. Thank you so much for listening. I'm Michelle Lisenberry Christensen and this has been Sexual Love Power. I'll be back here next Thursday with the next episode and until then, may the light within you illuminate the world around you.