Lost Libido? Find the 3 Yeses

Hi, welcome to Sex Love Power. I'm your host, Michelle Lisenberry Christensen. I'm a relationship and sex coach who's worked for 24 years with executives and business founders. And by popular demand, I've focused on their intimate relationships for the past dozen or so years as they sought my coaching to push the envelope on how good they could have it in life and in love and sex. My extraordinary high performing clients have blessed me with a wealth of knowledge about how to create relationships that aren't just successful, but are truly great. This podcast is where I convene the conversations about love and sex that help you create those same world class results in your relationships. If you've found yourself feeling not so into sex like you yourself don't really seem to have the urge very often, and like even when your partner initiates, you're not interested, but you wish you were, this episode is for you. And if you're the partner who does want to have sex, whether you try to initiate or whether you've heard so many times from your partner that you're getting to be too discouraged to ask again, we need to have this conversation. And I want you to know that even though in movies and on TV shows everybody seems to be rearing to go all the dang time, even even those harried sitcom couples with kids coming out their ears out here in the real world, you two are not alone. If you find that one or both of you are singing those I wanna wanna, but to be honest, I don't blues. Today's episode will help because I'm gonna introduce you to an important distinction that comes straight out of my Sex Ed for Grownups course. This one notion, I call it the three yeses, is responsible for countless sexual encounters between married couples and partnered couples that wouldn't have otherwise happened. And you are next. The three yeses will allow you to go from no way to okay to now. It will allow you to initiate in ways your partner will respond to warmly and perhaps, given time, will respond to with passion. And it will give the two of you a better vernacular with which to communicate about your level of willingness to talk about the possibility of having sex. So here's what we're going to do. I'll draw the metaphor to exercise another thing that we know is good, but that also kind of asks a lot of us, and so we sometimes similarly have an urge to avoid it. Then I'll introduce the three yeses and tell you what each one is. We'll talk about what to do when you're Feeling each level of yes. And you recognize that being sexual with your partner would be of value. And we'll talk about how to engage with your partner, regardless of which of the states they're in. So first, let's talk about how sometimes having sex is like working out. So you know how people with an exercise habit had to establish that habit perhaps before they were particularly interested in any given workout. You know, when you come back from vacation, and maybe you had an active vacation or maybe you had a very slovenly vacation where you were just playing around and hanging out. But regardless, getting back into your routines, whether it's going to the gym or hopping on your peloton or whatever you do, it takes some doing to get back in the saddle. But people who maintain an exercise habit over time have done so because they re established their habit. It's not just about starting the habit, it's about re establishing it time and again after an illness or a particularly busy time at work or travel throws off your rhythm. Exercise is a great parallel for sex because it's similar. And it's sad to think of it that way because exercise is something that we have to exert ourselves to do. It's more work to do it than not. And it might not feel in any given workout like, yeah, that was really worth the time. But we know that the way we feel overall makes the investment of time and energy worth it. And we know that we're adding days, months, years to our lives by being physically active. We're also improving the state of our brains on that day and the days afterward by getting the endorphins going and by building more mitochondria and taking good care of our bodies and our minds. So sex has all of those same benefits and all of the same challenges, because when we're not in the mental space to go into the erotic zone, it can feel like another chore, another thing on our to do list. Something that, boy, if I cross that off the list without doing it, I just saved myself some time and energy. And that's really sad when we think about it, that sex has become a to do. But that does happen to just about everybody at some point. And we're biologically designed to be that way. Sex is a higher order function, you know. So if you can picture a culture that's going through a crisis, a time of famine, a time of war, that's not a great time for babies to come into the world. So biologically, it's really smart of our nature to prioritize maintaining safety you know, fighting off enemies and getting shelter and food. If we can stay warm enough and fed enough and we can stay alive, then maybe someday we can enjoy sex again and have more kids. And that's really what our DNA wants, is for us to stay alive and then to procreate in that order. So when we're feeling stressed, it's great that we can deprioritize sex. The problem is that how we live now, we're kind of stressed to some extent all the time. So there's always a way that sex can, because it's a higher order function, can fall down the urgency ladder and get behind a whole lot of other things in our lives, from meeting our kids needs to meeting the demands of our careers, to managing our finances and taking care of our homes and planning our next trip and doing all the things. So just like working out, we've got to prioritize it. We've got to give it space up ahead of things that might feel more urgent in the moment but aren't truly more important to us. So that's the way in which sex is like working out. And I say all of that to make the case for doing something that is otherwise the least sexy thing in the world. And that is scheduling sex, prioritizing sex, saying yes to sex even when it doesn't sound like the hottest, juiciest idea we've ever heard. If we can give our erotic selves some grist for the mill, if we can find a smaller yes when that rearing, throbbing, pulsing, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right now, must have it, can't think of anything else yes isn't available to us, then we create an environment that is more turned on, that begets more sex. You know, sex begets sex. Turn on, begets, turn on. And shared pleasure reminds us that our partner is someone with whom we have the capacity to share a lot of pleasure. And when we don't have those things on a regular basis, it gets harder and harder and harder. It builds up in our minds as something that is hard to get to with this person. And our identities can even shift to where we think about ourselves and our partners as either I'm not that sexual of a person is something I often hear, especially from women. Or yeah, he just doesn't turn me on that much. Simply because your partner hasn't turned you on that much lately. And perhaps more accurate to say you haven't turned you on that much, particularly in that person's presence. So you can see how skipping the behavior because you had a hard Time getting back on track after something disrupted what had been a pretty good habit can start to create patterns in our minds that that makes it harder and harder to re establish that habit. So that's why I want to jump now into the three yeses, because this is a different way of looking at turn on desire, want to. And it can break what a lot of people come to me with, which is the notion that they've lost their libido. You might think that you don't have a sex drive anymore or that your sex drive isn't what it used to be. And that in itself, you know, the notion that I have a particular sex drive and that if I don't have it, if it doesn't look the way that it used to, then that means there's something wrong with my relationship, or it means there's something wrong with me, or it means that having more and better sex isn't possible for us. I want to break all of those myths because that's simply not the case. So your subjective experience of your desire level is not just the product of your own physiology, which is certainly in other episodes we have talked about, and we will continue to talk about some of the ways that changing physiology over time definitely affects how much intrinsic drive we have towards sex. Even though it doesn't limit the amount of pleasure we're capable of, it limits the amount of urge that we have independent of whatever else is going on. And that's where a lot of us have come from. In our teens and our twenties and maybe our thirties and maybe into other decades, we were coming from the urge. And when that strength of urge abandons us, we feel like, ugh, I've lost my mojo. So I want to introduce you to what we might think of as mojo light. The kinds of urge that are still in you. So let's jump into what the three S's are. There's three kinds of interest in sex from which we can initiate or turn toward our partner when they're initiating. So the first one is the most obvious one. This is the ohelia I am so on that. And that is arousal. So this is physiological and or emotional turn on. This is the place that most people tend to initiate from. And this is the place that people are looking for. A lot of times when they decide whether or not to say yes, does the initiation of the other person turn me on? Am I at arousal now? And if we're not at arousal, sometimes we go, nah, not tonight. But some of us will say, okay, I could get there if we have the second yes, and that is not arousal, but interest. Interest is less intense than arousal. This is a place of engagement where we have an intention to move toward the more vivid turn on of arousal itself. This is where we're thinking, yeah, I'm not in a state of turn on, but I could get there. This is that. Huh, Good idea. I hadn't thought of that myself, but all right, let's do this. So that's a viable yes. We don't have to be turned on to get to turn on. We can start from a place of interest. The third yes is even less engaged than interest. The third yes is willingness. And sometimes our willingness can feel a million miles from arousal. But it's the glimmer of I'd like to be interested, even though I can't say I actively am interested right now. Willingness is when you're down for showing up for the next step beyond however your partner has initiated. And when I'm talking about willingness here, I'm not just talking about the willingness to have sex. I'm also talking about the willingness to possibly move up to arousal. And those are different, you know? You know, and it does take more energy, attention, focus to really bring yourself to the encounter than it does to just submit to letting your partner share your body. And there's nothing wrong with that. If it's consensual and you say, sure, you know, have sex with my body, I'm here, you know, feel free. I'm not really up for going for much myself. And don't worry about my pleasure because I'm not really seeking it. That's a reasonable way to engage sometimes. And it can be a generous act for your partner. But what it doesn't do is stoke your own desire. It doesn't build up the reservoir of shared pleasure between you. And it runs the risk if you are not careful in your mental hygiene around it. If you don't keep in mind that you are the one who chose to volunteer your body, but to withhold the willingness of your desire, your pleasure, you chose not to ask of yourself and your partner, but the energy that it would take to move you up that yes ladder. If you forget that, that you chose that, and maybe that you chose it time and again, you may start to think of your partner as not being very attentive to your pleasure. You may start to think of sex with them as kind of boring. You may start to forget how much shared pleasure you're capable of and what it's like when you actually do show up. If Too many times you bring willingness to let them have sex with you, but you don't bring willingness to become interested yourself. So that's an important distinction. So let's look at what to do when you're feeling aroused, when you're feeling interested, and when you're feeling willing and you think it'd be a good idea to have sex. So back to that idea that sex is a habit, that having sex begets more sex, and that the habit of having sex regularly is what helps us have more fun at sex and have it be more easeful and joyful and pleasurable. That's why we want to be able to say any of these yeses and have that turn into a sexual engagement. Now, if you have been in my world anytime at all, you know that I'm really big on making sure that we define sex in a much broader way than most of the culture does. So my definition of sex is not penis focused. It's not about penetration, and it doesn't end with male ejaculation. Sex is the whole experience of erotic connection. That's why I so often use other phrases besides have sex. Because I think what comes to all of our minds, including mine, when we say have sex is penile penetration culminating in climax for the penetrating partner. And really what all of us are looking for is much more full spectrum than that. And really knows that all of the kissing and touching and and pleasuring of one another that happens outside of penile penetration is not just foreplay. It's not just the appetizer leading up to the main event. It is the lovemaking. So let's have more sex, starting with the notion that so much more is sex. Then let's look at what to do when you're aroused. Now, this is the time, as I mentioned earlier, that I think most people are most prone to initiate erotic connection with their partner. The thing to remember when you're aroused is to attend to what level of yes your partner is at. Are they at unwilling? They don't have a yes. Are they at willing? They might be able to find that yes to either lending you their body or to actually starting to engage themselves. Are they interested? Like, yeah, I'm not turned on yet, but I could get turned on. Or are they too already in a place of arousal if you approach when you're aroused? If you approach your partner in a way that presumes that they're already aroused, you're less likely to warm the space for them, which is a term I learned in Waldorf parenting. You're less likely to help them step into a place that's already been prepared for them. You're less likely to build a useful on ramp if you presume that they're already aroused too. So imagine walking up to your partner and touching them in a way that might feel great if they're in a really erotic, turned on space already, but that might feel really invasive if they're not. So if you can titrate your arousal to match where they are and engage with them in a gentle way, they're much more likely to be able to move up that ladder of yes to meet you. So that's an important thing to keep in mind when you are aroused, but also communicating not just your need, but your desire. Often when we're aroused, we can feel to our partner like we're being demanding or like our need is another to do on their list. And even if they want to be accommodating of that, it can feel like a burden if we aren't offering something, if we aren't inviting them into an experience. So think about your vision for the connection you'd like to have when you're aroused and convey that to your partner in a way that is an invitation rather than a demand. Share with them what you'd like to experience with them and ask them what they'd like. Invite them in and see if they're up for moving up the ladder. Another great question is to ask them, where would you like to start? Given where you are right now, what would help you feel just a little more turned on at our house? If I'm not at all in an erotic space and Kurt wants to help me get there, often he'll just approach my shoulder with his hands, with his mouth, and I'll kind of turn my back to him and I can just sort of keep hanging out and not have to worry too much about being in an erotic space. Yet while he connects with all the nerve endings in my shoulder and my neck and my back, and that skin is more receptive to him than other parts of me when I'm at willing. And that skin talks the rest of me into being interested. And then once I'm interested, then I can engage more and turn around toward him and start to kiss and touch him and then I can get aroused. So can you see how it's. That's one example of how on ramps lead to on ramps. So we can go from the side street to the arterial to the highway, but we can't get from our driveway to the highway without a couple of level ups that are gradual and gentle. So when you're interested but not aroused, this might be a time you're not likely to have initiated in the past, and I'm encouraging you to do so. So just as I just gave that example about me with Kurt, once I'm interested, then I can engage, but I have to do some engaging myself in order to get to arousal. And you're probably the same way. So this is often the case. You know, men are kind of disappointed in themselves. Feel like they can't initiate sex or they can't respond to their partner's initiation if they aren't erect yet. But, you know, erection may be something that comes at the arousal level and isn't there until you're up to the arousal point, don't worry about it. Let yourself be interested. Let yourself kiss and smell and touch and talk and be in eye contact and give and take and allow arousal to come when it does, we can all take our time and lower the stakes and pressure ourselves less and we'll have a whole lot more fun in the bedroom. And then third, if you're just willing, you can initiate from a place of just willingness. Not even interested in sex, but you know it's a good idea. Just like you strap your shoes on and go for a run when you know it'll make you feel better. You know there's no way you're going to regret having done it, but you're not really in the mood. So to go from willing to interested to aroused, you can remind yourself of all the reasons why you want to cultivate a connection with your partner. You can lower the bar. Let yourself have a so, so erotic interaction. Let yourself not have a goal. Think in terms of just giving pleasure to, to and taking pleasure in one part of your partner's body. Just snuggle, just enjoy them. You know, boil it down either geographically on who they are or time wise or goal wise. Bite off a chunk you can actually chew in terms of the kind of connection you're cultivating and share with your partner. You know, I want to be really close with you and I want to share pleasure with you. I'm not really in the mood right now, but the desire is what's pulling me forward, not turn on so much as love. And that's a pretty hot thing to say, you know, that's pretty moving. So that's how you can engage erotically when you're at the different levels of yes. Now what about your partner? How do you engage them when they're at Arousal when they're at interest and when they're at willingness. So. So an aroused partner is probably the one that we know the most about how to handle, right? If you're already aroused and they're already aroused, we know what to do with that. That's the place that people tend to think of, is like, oh, if sex came easily, that's where we would both be. But that's fairly rare actually. For starters, you know, we get there, but we seldom start where we're both in that place. So add a deal with a partner who's interested but not yet aroused. Well, this is your chance to play, your chance to flirt with them, your chance to engage and devote your attention lavishly to their breath, to their pupils. When we're more aroused, our pupils dilate. Watch how your partner responds to your words, to your energy, to your. To your touch. What is opening them and what is shutting them down. Pay exquisite attention and notice how they blossom. If they're not yet interested, but they're willing, then start small, like I mentioned, Kurt will sometimes do with me. See if there's something that would feel good to them without any pressure. Would you like a foot rub? Would you like me to brush your hair? How would it be for me to put lotion on your back? Just find something that feels nice for them and for you and enjoy one another. These little experiences that we share put deposits in the tank of sensuality, closeness, of simply being in an embodied way in one another's presence. And those deposits what make us wealthy in love and eroticism. This recognition of the three different yeses that we might have for sex has helped my one on one clients and members of the Legacy Love Studio to find their way to one another and to connect erotically, even when both of them are just at that willing place. Sharing pleasure begets more sharing pleasure. So it always behooves us to find the yes that we can find and to discern what yes our partner might have when we blow on those embers. That is how we fan the flames of shared pleasure and desire. So please go apply what you've learned here in your own relationship. And I would love to hear about what arises. I wish you amazing connection and delicious turn on with your partner amid the beautiful, busy lives I know you're leading. Every one of these yeses is worth cultivating and worth celebrating. And my wish for you and for our community is that you'll join the conversation over on the free conscious couples circle. You can ask questions, share your experiences and join the ongoing conversation about creating the love and sex you deeply desire in ways that evolve you both. It's all happening@society.lizenberry.com that link is in the show notes@lizenberry.com Episode 032 if you've enjoyed this or other episodes, what would help me and the podcast immensely is if you'd leave a review, particularly in Apple Podcasts, because those reviews are a huge help in finding new listeners and growing the positive impact that these conversations can have. So please go leave a review right now with just a few words about what the show gives you. I would so, so appreciate it. And hey, have you subscribed to the podcast? You're going to want to so that you never miss an episode. Please go to Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen and hit that subscribe button so that you always get notifications of new episodes each week. As always, I'll be back here next week with the next episode. But in the meantime, thank you so much for listening. I'm Michelle Zenberry Christensen, and this has been Sex Love Power until we speak again. May the light within you illuminate the world around you.