Reviewing Your Year in Love and Sex

When we don't want to make a stink over something that's not stink worthy, we let things slide too long, we have a hurt, we don't tell our partner about it, we keep walking around with that rock in our shoe. And days turn into weeks, turn into months, turn into years. And we don't acknowledge that difficult to speak thing that we're coping with. So if you'll do an annual review, it will help you not suffer from that amnesia. Like, oh, yeah, this is always happening, or this happens again and again, or this happens cyclically, or hi, welcome to Sex Love Power. I'm your host, Michelle Lisenberry Christensen. This podcast is where I convene the conversations about love and sex that help powerful women and those who love them to create the intimacy and intensity they really want in bed and in life. Together, we navigate the tensions between our desire and our devotions, between our wildness and our security with our eyes wide open. This podcast is designed to help you create more closeness, ease, pleasure, and justice in your relationship. And we do it by blending wisdom from the fields of sexuality and spirituality, trauma and self regulation, and intersectional feminism. I'm so glad you're here. I am a nerd for planning. I love to envision the future. I love to review the past. And New Year's time is totally a time when, especially early in my relationship, I was like, hey, Kurt, you know what I love to do is look over the past year and see the themes and then set intentions for the new year. And I didn't even say intentions back then. It was like resolutions. I was about 23 years old and all gung ho, hadn't mellowed out like I have now. And the first year, I think Kurt was into it because he was still sort of courting me. And pretty soon after that, I got the picture that he was not a planner in the same way that I was. And perhaps you can relate. I find that in most couples, there's one person who's way more into this stuff than the other, and that's perfectly all right. And I'm here to help both of you have a peaceful and joyful way of moving through a process of really capturing the gems from the past year, setting intentions for the coming year, and keeping your relationship on a really powerful trajectory. So I'm going to answer some of the most common questions that I get about reviewing your year and setting intentions for the coming year, and I'm going to put them into three categories. So, in essence, why should we do this? What can we Expect if we do this, and how do we do this? So let's dive in first. Why review together? One of the interesting things I think about the review process is that really big in business, because we know that when we're trying to create results and trying to create an enterprise that thrives over time, we need continual improvement. And I think that a lot of people really utilize that wisdom when it comes to their personal finances, their career growth, their fitness. You know, we set goals for what we want to do with our homes or travel we want to make. But when it comes to your relationship, a lot of times I think we sort of abdicate the power that we have because it takes two and it's kind of controlling to set goals for your partner. And you kind of have a sense that you can't make things happen all by yourself. The truth I've found is that we really do have a lot of sovereignty in our relationships. We can do more than we think we can to shift the trajectory of how we experience our love and our intimacy. And so reviewing your year, even if your partner doesn't want to participate at all, looking at what has been happening between us, what has been happening for me with regard to my heart, with regard to my body and intimacy, what have been the big events that impacted me emotionally and how did my partner and I interact around that, what has impacted them and how have I shown up for them? That kind of review really helps us tap deeper into what's actually going on in our relationship and create better results. You know, what we pay attention to, we expand. And so if you want more and better intimacy, love, connection, partnership, communication, pay attention. I also find that relationships, when it comes to goal setting for the coming year and reviewing for the past year are kind of like I was in fifth grade racquetball class. I, I took this racquetball class and I was voted the most improved at the end of the class. But you know why? It was because I was so, so abysmally terrible at the beginning. I had lots of room to improve. And I think that our relationship review process is like that for most people. We've been doing more of it in other areas of our lives. So if you can dive into relationship, it's going to become the most improved area because you're doing this perhaps for the first time. And if you keep doing it through the years like we have, you're going to find that the process gets easier, the insights get deeper, and the improvement compounds year over year. So what do you expect if you Review together, what's likely to happen? Well, a lot of people ask me a more pointed question. Are we just going to get another fight like we did last time? And I've sure been there. I started plenty of fights by coming into this process with very clear ideas about what ought to happen and being really attached to that, you know, so I had a vision and he was going to jump in and he better keep up and that doesn't work. So yeah, if you pursue it the way I used to, you will get in a fight and you'll make your yourselves both miserable. But what I really want for you is a really enjoyable, sensual, pleasurable experience. So the two of you can think about how long is the attention span that you collectively have. And of course here the lower desire partner is the governor. And you know, if they only have half an hour in which they can focus on this, not so much just like how much time do they have, but how much energy do they have for this sort of thing. My husband is definitely our lower desire partner. And so I do it in about 45 minute chunks. You know, we do one piece one week and another piece four to seven days later and that works fine. My impatient self doesn't like it, but really if I rest into it, it's pretty sweet because we get to dip in again and again. So I get more frequency and he gets more, you know, bite sized chunks that are more sustainable. So if you engage in the process in that respectful way where you bring your enthusiasm and you honor your partner's lower level of enthusiasm but their willingness, and you're really grateful for that, then you can expect that doing this kind of review and intention setting will help you have more and better memories. For starters, the first thing is that by reviewing what, what has happened, even if it's only once a year, if you'll look back, as I do through your calendar and see like, oh yeah, it was just this year that we went to Maui in April and did a kind of COVID y family vacation. And then this year was the year the kids went back to school. But before that we actually had a really great time. Kurt and I went to Idaho and we all had a wonderful time at my sister's farm. Then Kurt and I took a bucket list trip to Croatia, which was amazing. So going over all of those and remembering the things that we learned and Kurt and I really got a glimpse at the whole arc of human history and how much things both change and stay the same from generation to generation and how wild it is to be In a changing world and having been taught things by our predecessors that served us, but seeing so much change in our generation and knowing that in our children's generation, things will change in ways we can't even comprehend. So really reflecting on what are the qualities that help prepare people for the changes they'll encounter in their lives and how can people who aren't going to even be there for that help prepare them? So big questions have come up this year, and we're able to see what those questions are because we're taking the space to reflect. So that's something you can expect, too, if you go back and connect the dots between the events of your year. I find that there's a kind of relational amnesia that happens. And in some ways it's a good thing. Now, if you're upset about something one day, I think it's often a good idea to give it some days or even weeks to breathe. I can be highly reactive. So I might be really bent out of shape about something today. And it's good to give it some breathing room because a couple weeks from now I might recognize, like, oh, yeah, you were just tired that day, or oh, this is really something between you and Kurt has triggered something from earlier in life. This is a real growth opportunity for me personally, but it's not really a relationship issue. And if we give things time, then we don't create a big kerfuffle between the two of us when that's not necessary or useful. But often when we don't want to make a stink over something that's not stink worthy, we let things slide too long. We have a hurt, we don't tell our partner about it. We keep walking around with that rock in our shoe and. And days turn into weeks, turn into months, turn into years. And we don't acknowledge that difficult to speak thing that we're coping with. So if you'll do an annual review, it will help you not suffer from that amnesia, like, oh, yeah, this is always happening, or this happens again and again, or this happens cyclically. So issues like if your partner is underemployed or overspending, if you bear an unfair share of the emotional and mental and domestic labor in your partnership, if you feel like you have to take care of them emotionally, and it's not reciprocal. If there's something sexually that doesn't match for you, these are the things that you can look back at. And if you only look back at them once a year, that can be enough for you to see, oh, yeah, I'm not really addressing this, or these are the things I tried this year to address it, and my partner's not really engaging with me on it. Now, I do find as a sidebar that the way that people often invite their partners to engage is not productive and they don't engage. But that's a different question for a different day. The point being here, when we review our year, we reduce the amount of inertia in our relationship, and we reduce that kind of Groundhog Day effect of things happening the same way over and over and over again. And there's something that can happen with our partners if we review together, because sometimes one partner is bringing up an issue, is saying, this hurts, or I need more of that, or I would really like to bring about this vision for the two of us. And the other partner goes, nah, you know, and just kind of blows it off. I think that relationship in our current culture exists inside this myth that good relationships just happen. Marry the right person, and you're going to have a pretty good relationship. And. And if it's not so great, well, them's the breaks. That's just how it works. But I'm going to tell you what I've seen across thousands and thousands of couples. The relationships that work really well. You know, when you look around, you might not see a whole bunch of relationships that you would actually really want for yourself, that you really admire and can see the aliveness and the deep passion and the great friendship between the two of them. But if you do see a couple like that whose relationship really seems nourishing and like it's just going to get stronger through the years they worked at it, that wasn't an accident. Truly amazing relationships, what I call legacy love, they get stronger over time. Instead of kind of grinding each other down over time, they're intentional. Those are two people who didn't just take what their parents taught them how to do in marriage. They crafted their own way, which honored who they are individually and who their partner is and the lifestyle that they have and. And the goals that they have for themselves in terms of health and finances and contribution in the world. They deliberately crafted that marriage. And year after year, they do the work to smooth out their own rough edges, not just chip away at their partner, but grow themselves. And that's what this annual review process is the foundation of. It lays the groundwork for the kind of change that builds legacy love over time. It lets us become the author of our own relationship and shed that myth that good relationships just happen. It lets us take on the project that's not a, oh, in 2022, we're going to get our relationship right. No, it's more a project like health. Like I want to live to be 120 years old in good health that whole time. That's little things every single day, year in and year out for decades. And there's a real beauty to that kind of devotion and who it makes you into over the years. So that's one of the things you can expect from this kind of process. Now let's look at how to review together so you don't have to do it together. You don't both have to do it at all. I've actually laid out the whole process in my Couples Guide to Planning an Amazing New Year. So it's both a review process and an intention setting process. I've been sharing this with other couples for 12 editions now, and I used to kind of expand it every year because of my enthusiasm and all the different exercises that I use with clients. But it got to be a little cumbersome when it topped 100 pages. So I only send out 25 pages of exercises and they're all optional, so you can kind of mix and match and choose your own adventure. And I'm going to give you a little sample here. So. So you don't even have to use the guide, but you can go download it for free if you like, at couplesvision.com couplesvision.com is the website that I set up just for this little guide. And if you don't want to use the guide or if you want a little preview of what it contains, some of the steps of reviewing your year in relationship include just go through your calendar and look back over what happened. So you know, what are the things that show up in the calendar and then recall the feelings that you've had about your relationship, about your life. What's it been like to be you this year? Who have you been becoming and how have you engaged with your partner around those things? How have they supported you? Are there ways that they have been unsupportive or made things harder? What do you notice? And then switch your gaze around and look at the year from their standpoint. What have they been going through? Who have they been becoming and how were you as a supporter or a detractor inside those things? What role have you played in their efforts and in their unfoldment? Just that is a powerful exercise. Then you may want to draw out the themes, you know, what are the keys of what's going on? What seems to want to happen and what has been happening, because that can give you clues for what kinds of intentions you might want to set for the coming year. In the guide, I give you an exercise that helps you write a celebration letter to your partner where you really pause and give the attention and focus required to truly acknowledge them for all that they do, all that they are, and all that they're becoming, and all of your appreciation for that. It's a truly beautiful gift to give your partner and yourself, because you can't walk away from that kind of celebration without feeling tremendously grateful for that person's presence in your life, even if there are other places where the relationship has been causing pain. And in the guide, I help you take a gratitude inventory. So this is not so much just directed at your partner, but what are the blessings in your life, in your family, in your work, in your material world, in your health? And really looking at your whole life through the lens of gratitude is one of the most powerful ways to create more of what you want. Many times a day I call upon the power of gratitude because it aligns me with what I desire, it shows me all the places that I might otherwise overlook where I already have so much of what I want and need. And it helps me be attuned when more things show up that I dig and that I want more of. It puts me in a position to engage in relationships in a nourishing way and to just be content. Because that's the bottom line is no matter what shows up in our lives, if we can't receive it, it doesn't nourish us. So gratitude is an important part of this process. And then identifying what it is you'd really like to create in the coming year, what are your intentions? What do you already know? You know, what are the blocks that are already in there? We've got aging parents, we've got a middle schooler and a tween, and we know some of the things that we'll be up to in 2022 just by virtue of the chapter of life that we're in. So identifying those things and then setting intentions on that basis and is a great way to envision your coming year. So that's a little bit of on how to review together. And I want to invite you if you go and download the couples guide@couplesvision.com I'm also going to invite you in emails coming up in the next couple weeks to some events that I'm still dreaming up. But free guided processes that I'll do for couples for women and for men individually to help you look at what you want to create in the coming year and help you really review and celebrate what's been happening in the past year. So go check that out. That's a way that you can get more support for this process and I'll look forward to hearing from you. I really love it if you reach out in direct messages on any of the social channels, or hit reply to any of my emails, or leave a review of the podcast. I love to hear back how it is for you to employ these exercises. What do you create in your relationship when you do so, please be in touch. Can't wait to hear. And may this be a blessed, blessed new year. I'd love to hear what you're taking away from this episode and what questions you have. Where do you feel this conversation in your body? My Free Conscious Couples Circle is the place to continue our conversation. You can share your experiences, ask questions, ask and get more actionable ideas for creating the love and sex you deeply desire in ways that evolve you both. It's all happening@society.lizenberry.com that link is in the show notes for you. You know new listeners need to hear what you're taking away too. Podcast reviews are what really help others recognize how this podcast is different from other relationship and sex podcasts. So thank you in advance for leaving a review right now in your podcasting app while you're thinking of it. Before you forget with just a few words about what this show gives you. And hey, have you subscribed to the podcast? You're gonna want to so you never miss an episode. Please go to the app where you listen, hit that subscribe button and then you'll always get notifications of new episodes when they drop. Thank you so much for listening. I'm Michelle Azenberry Christensen and this has been Sex Love Power. I will see you on the next episode and until then, may the light within you illuminate the world around you.