Strong Women Crave Handling

Hello and welcome to Sex Love Power. I'm your host, Michelle Lizenberry Christensen. I'm a relationship and sex coach who's worked for 23 years with executives and business founders and by popular demand, I've focused on their intimate relationships for the past dozen or so years as they sought my coaching to push the envelope on how good they could have it in life and in love and sexual My extraordinary high performance clients have blessed me with a wealth of knowledge about how to create relationships that aren't just successful, but are truly great. This podcast is where I convene the conversations about love and sex that help my listeners create those same world class results in their own relationships. If you're a woman and you feel like you're always on, always have to be handling projects, tasks and other people's feelings and needs and you just crave to let down, lay back, and have someone else handle it all for you now and then, this episode is for you. Or if you love a woman who seems demanding, take charge, always on, and frankly, seldom satisfied. And if you sometimes wonder how you could possibly truly win with her, this episode is for you. There is an epidemic in our busy world where high achieving women, whether their achievements are in their homes and families, in their jobs or their own companies, or as athletes or spiritual seekers, or as is usually the case, all of the above. These women are going, going, going, giving, giving, giving and thinking, thinking, thinking with no way to really let down. The real challenge is that even they don't know what they really need. I was one of these women so so I can speak to this firsthand. I didn't know why I was so cranky and dissatisfied with what I knew to be a wonderful life. I didn't know how to get what I really needed. And I didn't know how to ask my husband to be with me in ways that would let me truly relax and open up and be fun to be around and be fun to be. But eventually I cracked the code, and in the decades since then, I've taught thousands of other women to do the same, and I've taught their men what to do in the face of a growly tigress. Today's episode is a peek into that process. I've never created an audio version of my free ebook Penetrate what Strong Women need from Men, but today's episode will share the book in its entirety. I want you to understand the dynamics at play here for strong women. I want those who love them, whether those people are male or not. I wrote the book directed at a man. But please know that if you love a strong woman, I'm talking to you. And I don't at all mean to be exclusionary in my language. I want the people who love these strong women to know why they appear so prickly sometimes and how to handle them when they do. And I want to liberate both groups to really enjoy the polarity that can result when we rise up and handle someone who really needs it, even if, and especially if they look like they've got everything handled themselves. So here goes. Enjoy Penetrate her what Strong Women need from Men By Michelle Lizenberry Christensen Your wife or your girlfriend or your ex asked me to explain a few things. She may not even know what these are, and it'd be harder to hear coming from her than from me anyway, so here I go. Please don't shoot the messenger. I've helped hundreds of wonderful men who were having a hard time with great, if strong, tempestuous, and sometimes admittedly difficult women. I am such a woman and I've also helped thousands of those women to open up, to receive, and to let men handle them, soothe them, calm them down, and share tremendous pleasure with them. Best of all for me, I'm getting handled now. Myself, my husband and I love each other deeply, but our relationship used to be really hard because of the strong woman, nice guy dynamic we had going on. He used to resent how overpowering and over busy and sharp I was. At the same time. I secretly thought he was kind of a wimp and perhaps not man enough to really be with a handful of a woman like me. But over a number of years we carved out a new way to be together. He really is strong, even though he's also super nice and a wonderful, nurturing father. And I really can be soft and satisfiable even though I'm whip smart, fast talking, a business owner and a mother with dozens of plates in the air. What a relief. Penetrate her. I will share with you what the women in your life, past, present and future wish you knew. I'm going to tell you what strong women need from men. Take this wisdom on board and it will change every relationship you have with women. You will enjoy them more and they'll appreciate and respect you more. Your mother, your girlfriend or wife, your boss and your peers, your employees and your clients and your daughter O your daughter. I thrill at the thought of a world where each girl grows up in a rich relationship with a man who knows how to let her be female and who can really be male in her presence. This will bode so well for her future relationships, career and happiness. Mmm, good stuff. So please read on. Now, here's a caveat. This is not about all women or all men. It's not about women through all time. It is not necessarily applicable everywhere on the planet right now. Instead, it's about where we are at this unique time in history in the Western world when women have gained access to the worlds of public discourse, of business, of politics. It's about smart, strong women who've had access to opportunities and who've done big things with their opportunities. The kind of women I'm talking about have significant careers. They're leaders and volunteers in their communities. They are strong mothers and makers of homes. They are conscious consumers making decisions that weigh the needs of their families, their budgets, the planet and. And the people who make the products. They are strong women. This is only for men who are good men, kind men, gentle men. Women tell me over and over, my husband is such a good guy. So nice. If your wife or your sister wouldn't describe you that way. I'm not writing this to you. If you're sadistic, if you like to get your power by knocking your partner's power down, I am not talking to you. Stop listening. But if you're a kind guy hoping I can help your relationship, you are in the right place, darling. Strong women are amazing, right? You love them. I love them. And you are amazing, too. I very much love a man who, despite perhaps not having been raised by the same kind of woman, perhaps not having seen a man ever successfully navigate a relationship with this kind of woman, builds his life with a strong woman, even if she's occasionally, well, or frequently intimidating. You're not threatened by her, even though she's occasionally or regularly emasculating in the way she communicates with you. By the way, she doesn't really mean to be. You love her still, even if it's hard to make her happy, to keep her happy. You do try. You try hard. And even though you have a lot of masculine power up your sleeve, you make room for her to hold masculine power in your life together. You love her. You respect her. You appreciate her. You marvel at her. I marvel at the way you make room for two powerful people in the relationship. But all this power mixing makes things wonky. Instead of a clear North Pole and a clear South Pole, there's an imbalance in the polarity of relationships between strong women and nice men. What's gone wrong? It's not wrong. It's just that there's a mix Up. Women have activated a lot of what I call masculine power. It's not male power. It's the assertive, penetrating, self reliant, driving, pragmatic side of our capability. All humans possess both masculine and feminine power. Maybe relating was more straightforward when society didn't accept feminine power demonstrated by men or masculine power demonstrated by women. Then it was obvious what each pole each person would take in a relationship. The woman would be receptive, sensual, nurturing, resilient and nonlinear. The man would be driving, providing, fierce and focused. Obvious, easy peasy, but not very alive, was it? Now today, women can be active in their masculine. Men can embody more emotional sensitivity, aesthetic taste, domestic skill and other traits that were previously restricted to the province of women. All of this is good, but it can be confusing. The polarities that draw men and women together get reversed or mixed up. And this mixes up our relationships, which gets frustrating at best and at worst. Our relationships become tremendously fraught and painful. His actions and her happiness. Often women come to me for coaching when they're depleted in heart and body, when they're frustrated in their relationships, when they sense there's a better way to lead the they are often leaders in companies or in their own businesses and to love. Other times, it's the man in a relationship who sees the problem and seeks the solution. That's why I wrote this little guide as well as my program Penetration, the Good Guys course in Masterful woman Handling. And it's noteworthy that both partners usually focus on the man. Women ask, how can I get him to so that she can be happier? Men ask, how can. What do I need to do so she can be happier? You just want to get it right. Right? I'm going to tell you how to get it right. With strong women, it only takes one thing. It's one big idea, one pivot in your mind and your body, one giant aha moment that changes everything. It will change how you talk to her, how you plan your time together, how you respond to her messages to you. And if you take this idea on, if you let it inform all your actions, it will dramatically change how happy your strong woman is in relationship with you. She wants to be penetrated. She needs to be penetrated. She wants you to take your energy and assert it into her space, to use it to contain and direct, to hold and secure and to handle her. She wants to be handled. She wants to know that you can handle her. To know that for all her power and all her chaos, you are a still point that cannot be disturbed. She wants to trust that she is safe because you cannot be blown over. She yearns to experience not prevailing, not being the most potent force in the room because she so often is. She's smart, she's fast, she's verbal, articulate maybe, often sharp tongued. She moves quickly. She does a lot. She thinks 10,000 details through at once. She cares. Oh, she cares so deeply about so many things in fine detail. So very much matters to her. It is a lot of work. So she'd like to let go sometimes. To be taken care of. For some women, for your woman, that's hard to say, because in her head, in her mouth, in her ears, the desire to be taken care of may sound a lot like inadequacy. As inadequate as it makes her feel to think in terms of needing, nonetheless. She would love at times to be held, pampered, ushered, managed, handled. And in the realm of the capable, competent, confident woman, that rarely happens. But there is hope. If she could find someone even stronger than her, as strong as her in a different way, strong in the moment, someone who could hold her, she could let down. She could be replenished and then she could keep going. She could be happy. She might even quiet down a bit, soften a bit, exhale a bit. She could find ease. And the look in her eyes. You know her eyes. Those eyes that tell you in an instant what's really going on, whether her words match them or not. They wince when she's disappointed, even if she says it's lovely. They narrow when she's angry, even if she says that'll be fine. And when she's directly drawing a line, her unforgiving, dehydrating gaze withers anything in sight. But the look those eyes will have when she feels really penetrated, really held. You may not have seen it before, or perhaps you have. It's the look that tells you unmistakably that you have hit the spot. There'll be a long blink. Softness, warmth. That delicious warmth. Maybe her eyes will get a little misty, her breath will get softer, her shoulders will relax. You'll know unmistakably, you've done it. You have penetrated her in a way nothing else could. Now, women fall into three camps when it comes to being handled. Some women know that they need this. This kind of woman tells me, please explain it to him. I've tried. He can't hear it from me. It just sounds like haranguing, demanding, insults, nagging. He feels criticized and judged. I don't mean it that way, but I do need him to understand. Our happiness together depends on it. Maybe he'll see it, Michelle, if you explain it to him. In the second group, some women are trying hard not to need this. He's great. Really. I'm not complaining. This woman will tell me. I'm trying to be softer. I try not to micromanage him, to not criticize him. I try to let down, but it's so hard. It goes against my nature. Ugh, Sweetheart, it goes against nature, period. Animals don't rest unless they're safe, and neither do women. But she is safe with me. You protest. I know that. You know that. But until she feels utterly handled by you, she won't feel safe. She might not be able to articulate it that way, but it's the truth. She needs you to see beyond her latest antics and with great lightness and deep approval of how she is. She needs you to handle her and the situation. In the third group, some women have no idea they need this. And they would hate me for writing it if they read it, if they heard this. This is just plain insulting. These women complain. I don't need to be handled. I need to be respected. I need to be partnered with, understood, but not penetrated. What am I? Some femme fatale from a bygone era waiting for my white knight to swoop in and kiss me back to life? Well, yeah, sort of. We have lost our way of late. It is not that the changes in women's opportunities and choices in the world are regrettable, off base, or mistaken. Definitely not. It's just that the fallout at home in our most intimate spaces has been distressing women. Our bodies, our hearts, and these detail, rich minds of ours. We are the heart of our homes. But when we don't feel held at home, our homes don't have the center that they need. And then you, the men, you don't have the grounding that a happy woman would provide you. Here's what women really need and why. She needs you to show her you can handle her. She needs to be able to push and rage and unleash. And you must be solid, unmovable, in the midst of her maelstrom. She wants you to draw her out, to call her forward when she retreats or goes away or withdraws. It's her way of begging you to be stronger, more solid, more assertive. She's pleading with you, albeit silently, to come inside and find her and pull her out. She wants to know from experience that she can trust you to step forward. She needs to have no doubt that you can handle the full range of her emotions and her power. If she doubts your solidity, your unshakability, she won't be able to let her guard down. She needs to feel that solidity in your actions, your words, your body. She won't open up if she isn't sure you can hold her. She's tired of hearing oh, you're such a force, or you're so powerful about herself. She doesn't want to have to hold back her ferocity to accommodate you. She doesn't want to wonder whether you're threatened or freaked out by her intensity. She needs to get from you a clear message. You no big deal. I can handle you easily. She needs you to look underneath her sturm and drawing and see the soft, tender girl beneath all that, without her having to govern herself in order for you to get it or to convince you of her fragility, her softness. For all her independence, she needs to be taken care of now and then. She needs you to provide something for her. She needs you to be strong, decisive, in charge, thoughtful, generous, insightful. She needs you to do things she hasn't asked you to do. She needs you to think of what she would like or what she needs or what would make her life easier or better. I know, I know. When you do things for her, she criticizes them. Or she tells you that you should have done it differently, or she tells you how you could have done it better and you wind up feeling like I can't win here. She treats you that way for a reason, and I'm going to tell you what it is. It's because she doesn't feel safe. Her lack of feeling safe shows up in all sorts of ways. From your side. It probably feels like micromanagement or criticism or condescension. She overthinks every road trip, every vacation, every dinner party. She tries to tell you which lane to drive in. She specifies exactly how to take her to dinner, bring her flowers or write her a text message. And all of that is because she's starving to be held and because she knows as well as you do that you're not very experienced at it. She's afraid. She's terrified that if she doesn't do this all herself, it won't get done at all. She's afraid she'll just be in free fall. Will holding her till she chills the fuck out be easy or quick? No. But read on or listen on to bolster your stamina. Your prodigious efforts will be richly rewarded, I promise. Please don't let this process emasculate you. She is not criticizing. She's admittedly clumsily asking you to hold her more tightly, to learn with more precision exactly how to meet her, hold her and handle her. She didn't like the carnations. Find the calla lilies next time. Don't take her disappointment or her bossiness about it personally. Just take pride in your growing mastery at taking care of her. And do not ever think that you should have known this already. As I've said, she may not yet know that she needs this. This need and our collective lack of awareness and skill around it are the product of very recent changes in our lives, and we're still trying to catch up. So please know it's not your fault that you haven't known she needed to be penetrated, that you haven't known how to do it, and that you've perhaps taken offense when she quite likely clumsily asked for it. It is not your fault, and it is not her fault. It's just the learning curve we're all on. And your willingness to invest in this learning is about to pay off, my friend. Things are about to get really, really good when you start getting it more and more spot on, meeting what she'd like with more precision, anticipating her needs and doing things for her better than she could have, quote, managed on her own. She will start to let down, let go, soften, open. She'll open up like a flower. She holds people, projects, spaces and ideas and even the world's problems all day, every day. She's concerned with so many things. She thinks about so many things, holds so many details, makes space for so many people. She needs you to be the one, the only one who does for her what she does for so many others. Can you see what a beautiful gift it is for her when you completely hold her? The holder becomes the Held. The thoughtful one is thought of. The ever vigilant can pause her anxious vigil. She melts like butter into your skillful embrace. When she sees how deeply you can hold her, she will let go to exactly that extent until you see through the drama between the two of you and you understand the deep yearning for safety and surrender that animates all those extravagant machinations of hers. The two of you are going to keep going through unnecessary conflict and truly regrettable pain. It's unnecessary and regrettable because you and I know what she really wants and needs. She needs your very best self. Your masculinity, your power, your strength, mastery, control, penetration. And what would you rather give her than your best? What would you rather your relationship with her called forth in you. It's elegantly simple really. What your woman most needs from you is what you most need to give. Your strongest, most upright, most penetrating self is in high demand. And if you don't call up the part of you who can absolutely handle her, you will always be afraid. You'll always feel like the wimp or insert your choice of word here that you're afraid she's calling you. You'll always worry that she's looking down on you. You'll always resent her for being more man than you are. That'll be a cry and shame. So go ahead, man up if you want to call it that. Handle her ass. She needs it. She wants it. She will love it. It's the most feminist thing you can do. Will she love it immediately? Maybe not. All the more opportunity for you, right? Keep hanging, handling her. If she doesn't love it. It's a test. She needs to know that you really mean it. Wait, you might say. But isn't a test a mind fuck? Why would she do that? Why should I put up with it? It's not a psychological game that she's playing to toy with you. It's more like NASA seeing if you can handle GS before they send you into space or the CIA testing you to make sure you won't sing state secrets at the drop of a hat. Your powerful woman might not even know she's testing you. But it is a reasonable test to give given all that's at stake. Plus remember, you're going to pass the test with flying colors now that you know you're taking it and why. She needs to know you're really strong enough to be trusted. Strong enough to keep her safe. So stay the course. Hold firm till you feel her go soft. Then you'll know you've finally got your woman and she has finally got her her man. There you have it. That was penetrate my ebook explaining to men what strong women really need from you. Now if you want a copy of this ebook to share with others or to read yourself, go to lizenberry.com penetrateher to download it for free. That link is in the show notes as well. I'd love to hear from you about what this perspective on powerful women and their men or their non male partners brings up. You're invited to join the conversation over the Conscious couples circle@society.lizenberry.com this is the free community where we talk about creating the relationship you deeply desire in ways that evolve you both. The link to the circle is in the show notes@lizenberry.com Episode 028 if you've enjoyed this or other episodes, please leave a review wherever you listen. I cannot overstate the value of these reviews for new listeners. Your one review might help stretch the reach of these powerful conversations by hundreds or even thousands of people, transforming marriages in the process. So please go leave a review right now with a few words about what the show gives you. I would so, so appreciate it. And hey, have you subscribed to the podcast? You'll want to, so you never miss an episode. Please go to Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen and hit that subscribe button so that you always get notifications of new episodes each week. Thank you so much for listening today. I'm Michelle Lisemberry Christensen and this has been Sexual Love Power. I'll be back here next week with the next episode. Until then, may the light within you illuminate the world around you.