Unmet Needs

Needs are a little more basic. They are the ideal conditions under which you thrive. Picture yourself like a little plant. Some plants need more sunlight and less water. Other plants need lots of water and lots of sunlight. Other plants need lots of water and shade. So what kind of plant are you? What are the nutrients that you need? What kind of soil do you thrive best in, how much light, what kinds of temperatures, and what helps you be at your best? So one of the signs that you have unmet needs is that you aren't at your best. You're reaching for compulsive patterns like over drinking, overeating, over exercising, compulsive shopping, maybe using street drugs or prescription medications, cigarettes. There's lots of different ways that we compensate ourselves for having unmet needs. Hi, welcome to Sex Love Power. I'm your host, Michelle Lizenberry Christensen. This podcast is where I convene the conversations about love and sex that help powerful women and those who love them to create the intimacy and intensity they really want in bed and in life. Together, we navigate the tensions between our desire and our devotions, between our wildness and our security with our eyes wide open. This podcast is designed to help you create more closeness, ease pleasure and justice in your relationship. And we do it by blending wisdom from the fields of sexuality and spirituality, trauma and self regulation, and intersectional feminism. I'm so glad you're here. Today. We're talking about needs. So many times when people ask me, should I stay or should I go? How do I know if I'm with the right person? I want my partner to grow and change in particular ways, but I don't know if they ever will. Is that controlling of me? Am I being unrealistic? Am I asking too much? Underneath so many of these questions is this subject of needs. So I thought we'd dive into it today, talk about unmet needs in marriage. And then in the next episode, I want to talk about leverage, about how we get our partner on board with the kind of closing the gap that people so often seek me for and that I kind of specialize in calling your partner forward to step into that gap, to develop the capacities to both give and receive, to meet you in the kind of relationship you can envision, one that meets those needs that you're aware of, that your partner might not be right now. So going to talk about what needs are and what they aren't, how you know and the truth that you can't always know with certainty, whether something's a need or a fantasy, whether it's a healthy thing to go for or something that you could learn to adapt to in a different way besides trying to get it met. We'll talk about what's possible when your needs get met and what to do when they're not. So what are needs? Our needs are the conditions for our optimal nourished functioning. They're not subsistence level needs. You know, we need oxygen, we need water, we need food, we need sleep. I think approximately in that order. Maybe we need sleep more than we need food, I forget. But you know, there are basic biological needs. And Abraham Maslow created a whole hierarchy of needs and talked about how once we get certain needs met, then we can advance to other levels of need. And my work is definitely informed by Maslow's, and I have a lot of respect for that model. And what I'm talking about here is a little bit different because we're talking about some nuances that he might not have even totally understood, but they're probably in that level of self actualization, the top level of his hierarchy, where things are working fine. You know, we're definitely surviving. We've got friends, we've got meaningful work, we've got a solid relationship. We're talking about some subtler levels of refinement of connection that we're hungry for. So there are a couple of broad categories of need that people often talk to me about. They want more depth in their erotic intimacy. So the need for intimacy in their sexuality. There's also the need at a more basic level for sexual connection. And sometimes you're not getting that need met. There's a need in many people for intellectual intimacy, you know, an ability to talk about ideas and thoughts and to wander that range together with another person. There's emotional intimacy. Wanting to feel seen and known, embraced, accepted and beheld, you know, celebrated, adored for who we are in our light side and our dark side. That's a need for many people. And you may have other needs that you recognize as important for you. The need to share laughter, that you don't function well if you can't with a person who's big in your life, really have a good laugh and really have enjoyment, pleasure, relaxation, amusement together. So think for a moment about what conditions you thrive under. What sets you up to be your happiest, your healthiest, your most productive. But I don't mean in the, like, commercial sense. Your most balanced, peaceful, centered, grounded, effective, joyful self, when it's missing, functions like a rock in your shoe. You know, it doesn't completely hobble you. You're not unable to keep walking. It's just a little bit more painful, a little less fluid, takes more energy. And we're going to come back to that metaphor of a rock in your shoe when we talk about what happens when our needs aren't met. But first I want to look at how do you know whether a need is actually a need or if it's kind of a pipe dream or you being demanding. And this comes down to the distinction for me between desires and wants. You know, the Buddhist philosophy speaks of desire as a source of suffering. And the word that I use in place when I'm thinking in terms of those really salient and useful ideas is that we're talking about want. The ego's capacity to create an endless stream. I picture it like that, the server of plates at a buffet. You know, if you take a plate, a little spring loaded mechanism delivers the next plate up to the same level where that plate was. And it's not never ending, but there's a steady supply of those plates in there. And you take one off and it just presents the next one. That's how want functions in my mind. When you gratify one want, the next want pops up. No thanks. No feeling of satisfaction, no joy, delight, peace comes just the next want. It's insatiable and that's why it creates suffering. And so we could chase all our lives those wants. And they're the product of the ego. And the ego is incapable of satisfaction. It's like a shark, it has to keep swimming forward, seeking more. Because that was how it helped us survive when it was developing, when we were children, by always being on the watch and looking for what next, what next, what next. So if your needs, the things that you're thinking of as needs, have that kind of quality about them, like I need, well, I need you to do this. Well, I need you to do that. And as I'm recording this, Valentine's Day is coming up and you're thinking about what your partner is going to do for Valentine's Day. And I need them to really give me something that makes me feel really loved and adored. And then your birthday comes up after that, and your anniversary and. And you're always grasping for another tick of a box, another balm on the wound where you don't feel loved enough, close enough, enough attention paid to you that might be a want. And some work with receiving, allowing in that which is right here could be fruitful. And that's what's been helpful for me in my own journey. Looking at where Was I disregarding the ways that my needs already were met? The ways that I already was loved, seen, held, cherished, adored? And where did my wanter kind of push those aside and look for the next token, you know, look for the next demand it could make and get gratified? And that plate delivery mechanism, you know, okay, give me the next one. Okay, give me the next one. How that contributed to unhappiness. So reflecting on that is a good way to clear off a layer that may be there for you, too, of pursuing want as distinct from deeper need or desire. Now, the distinction between need and desire is an interesting one. I think that our desires often point to our needs. I think of our desires as heartfelt, not ego driven. You know, not to be confused with wants. But desires are the marching orders that the divine writes on our hearts. They speak to who we are to be in this world. And there's overlap between those kinds of desires and our needs. You know, I think that desires tend to be sort of a particular outcome. I want to publish a book. I want to become a certified yoga teacher, or I want to go on this particular yoga retreat in Thailand. That kind of desire is sometimes directionally something that I think of as the universe using it to pull us forward in a particular direction, to guide us to make particular choices and arrange our energies and attention and resources toward a way that the universe wants us to grow. So it's not even really about that particular yoga retreat or writing that book. It's about who you'll become in the process and the people that you'll impact and the ways that you'll move in the world. So I think desires are really useful and worth pursuing in that spirit. Now, how do they overlap with needs? Needs are a little more basic. They are the ideal conditions under which you thrive. Picture yourself like a little plant. Some plants need more sunlight and less water. Other plants need lots of water and lots of sunlight. Other plants need lots of water and shade. So what kind of plant are you? What are the nutrients that you need? Right. What kind of soil do you thrive best in? How much light, what kinds of temperatures, and what helps you be at your best? So one of the signs that you have unmet needs is that you aren't at your best. You're reaching for compulsive patterns like over drinking, overeating, over exercising, compulsive shopping, maybe using street drugs or prescription medications, cigarettes. There's lots of different ways that we compensate ourselves for having unmet needs. And it could be really benign looking like being really absorbed in planning your kid's next birthday party or working a lot and being really involved in that. But it'll often come out a little bit sideways, at least, like being really stressed about work or working so many hours that the people around you will say, I miss you, or, you know, there's not enough of you available for our relationship to thrive. So that's one of the telltale signs that you have unmet needs, is that you're distracting yourself from the pain of having the need unmet, or you're trying to compensate yourself on the other side, like get it met indirectly through some other mechanism. So, you know, I've had clients, you know, use romance novels to kind of close that gap for the connection they're not getting in their intimate relationship. Certainly looking for flirtation or attention from other people, someone else to have sex with or have romance with is a way that people try to meet an unmet need outside their relationship, either by having an open relationship. If your marriage doesn't meet those needs and you negotiate to have a polyamorous relationship, then you can, with full honesty and transparency, get those needs met by multiple people or people will have affairs, you know, without the honesty component, with deception, which makes it a lot more complicated and a lot more costly and can place the relationship in jeopardy. But what I see underneath it a lot of times is just that there was an unmet need that was unacknowledged or that they didn't feel any hope of getting met inside the relationship. So that brings us to the question of what do you do with an unmet need? So first we recognize the need, and there's something really amazing about needs. And this also relates to desires that just knowing that you have the need, honoring it, seeing it, legitimizing it in your own mind, reduces the suffering that an unmet need causes by a tremendous measure. So just like many emotions or problems, the most powerful thing to do at first is not to leap to a solution, but just to see with clear eyes, with your feet firmly on the ground, rooted heart open, hands open, just feeling yourself and being aware. Oh, my need for depth in my erotic connection isn't being met or oh, I'm hungry for more emotional depth. Oh, I'm hungry for deep connection and stimulating discussion. There's a need that's unmet in me. I would thrive more if I had more touch if I had more. You know, the love languages arise here. You know, if my partner would show me love through my love language of acts of service. My partner doesn't do enough of the kinds of things that show me that they really care in my love language for me to really feel relaxed inside. So that need is unmet. Just naming the fact that it's unmet long before you talk to your partner, long before they do anything differently. You just recognizing, oh, that's why that's the rock in my shoe. That's why I'm limping a little. That's why it's kind of a lot of work to get through the day because I'm not getting this need that's essential for me met. So when you can name it and love yourself in it, that's a huge part of it. And you can probably recognize if I point to imagining that one of your siblings or one of your children, especially as a late teen or adult child, if they had an unmet need, if they were in a season of life where things were especially hard or someone else were unable to show up for them in the way that they were used to, maybe you could have compassion for that and you could just hold that with them not trying to solve it right. You could just love them through it. And that's the way I encourage you to hold yourself in it too. This isn't an emergency. It isn't even necessarily a problem. It's just a condition that bears acknowledging and holding present. The pattern of feeling like it's an emergency is a pendulum swing that takes us way over into the extremes of like, we gotta do something about this. He has to da, da da da. I have lived on that pendulum, and it's exhausting because swinging from that, swinging over into that huge upset like this is an emergency necessitates swinging over the other way to going to sleep about it, to numbing out because it's too much, it's too intense to feel all the time like my hair is on fire. Because my husband won't really meet me emotionally in the way that I know that I'm capable of and that I need to be at my best. I lived there for a long time. He wasn't there. He had a lot of healing and growing he needed to do to be able to show up with me in the way that helps me thrive best. And that was part of our journey together. And in your life, it might be that or. Or it might be part of your journey that you recognize. Oh, yeah, this person doesn't have it and doesn't want to get it. To be able to show up with me in the kind of intimacy that I can feel is who I AM is a match for me. So my partner and I need to rewrite our relationship and have a different arrangement so that I can thrive. Right. There's no bad guy here. It's just a recognition, oh, this is a need of mine. And I'm always going to be limping. It's always going to be a rock in my shoe until I have that need met. So what are some of the ways that we can get it met? I've just been alluding to you can invite your partner to step up. And that's what the next episode of the podcast will be about, is what do you do when you need to invite your partner into something they're not doing? How do you get the leverage with them for them to be willing to change when that's the right invitation? So that's one possibility. Another possibility is that you recognize, oh, yeah, I created this agreement on one basis, and now that I recognize this need of mine, I can see pretty clearly this isn't the right person to be with. It's not realistic to expect that either. Because you've had that conversation and they said, oh, yeah, no, I'm not going to do that. Or because you can simply see with clarity, oh, yeah, this person isn't the kind of person with whom I'm going to thrive now that I know myself as well as I do today. And so that tells you to rewrite the relationship. You know, I say rewrite because if you have children together, you're not going to end a relationship. And even if you don't, a lot of times there is a future for the relationship. It just doesn't look anything like how it looks today. So those are two big examples. But other things that are also helpful include one thing I call the portfolio approach, and that is to look quite deliberately at what you need and how you could get it met from a variety of relationships. So earlier I mentioned if you have a polyamorous relationship, you might be seeking to get some of these needs met from other relationships. You know, maybe one other partner who's not your primary partner but is an ongoing partner, or from a variety of people. And with clear agreements and with a lot of sensitivity and clear boundaries and open communication, you can make that work. That sounds complicated for me. At this chapter of my life, raising two kids and running a business, I don't have the energy to negotiate that many relationships. But I think that it's perhaps more the way we're built than trying to get all of our needs met with one person. So I'm Very open to that notion and have a number of friends who operate that way. But I'm not usually the best coach for somebody because I don't have personal experience with it. But that kind of navigation, I think, has a lot of, I want to say, verdancy. There's a lot of aliveness available when you don't rely on one person to meet all of your needs. So let's presume though for a moment that you are going to make the same choice that I'm making, which is to be monogamous. Nonetheless, you, you may have close friendships with people from different genders and friendships that meet different needs. You know, you might have really funny friends that help you really get your need for laughter and play met. You might have running friends or yoga friends that you go and do physical things with. You might have deep intellectual conversations in particular places like a book group or a class, an online community where those kinds of dialogue are had. And then you get that need met. So those are some of the ways you can be really deliberate about getting a need met so that you're not placing that pressure on your relationship if that's not seeming to be a great place to get it met. And then either because you have a monogamous agreement, and that's something that's important to your partner or to you, or both, you may run into needs that it appears would need to be met inside your relationship if they're going to be met. If the relationship is going to keep the same form that it has and you're not going to live deprived. If you're going to take the rock out of your shoe, it's going to be because your partner does something different. Now in the best case scenario, your partner says, oh my gosh, wow, I see that, I get that. Let's do something about that. Even in that scenario, it takes time your partner has growing and changing to do, and then you have to adjust to that and learn to receive the new way that they're showing up. So there's invariably a lag between clarity that you need something and you actually consistently getting it met. So during that time, being able to tolerate the rock in your shoe, the way in which you have an unmet need becomes your spiritual discipline. Seeing yourself with clarity and naming that as such, like, oh, this is what's happening for me is really important and valuable. You know, we so often see people with new babies, or maybe not even new babies, three month old, six month old, nine month old babies, where these parents are pretty sleep deprived, they're putting so much emotional energy into this new human being. And there's so much labor between feeding the person and laundering their clothes and all of the thinking about them and caring for them that we do that people will question, you know, am I not as smart as I used to be? I'm not a very good friend. There are a variety of consequences of having a new baby that we'll sometimes not, in that sleep deprived state be able to attribute to, oh, yeah, we have a new baby, you know, the problem, we want to kind of diagnose it as coming from a different source. When the source is we have a new baby, that's what's happening here. And so it's really useful to be able to trace a challenge to its actual source. And that's what often an unmet need is. It's the very simple source of a somewhat mysterious problem. A whole constellation of challenges that might look like moodiness, frustration, irritability. Some of those other behaviors that I talked about at the beginning, you might be trying to compensate in various ways. So this is kind of an unraveling process when you work backwards and go, do I have needs that aren't being met? And it really requires getting on your own side to be able to say, oh, I need this. And it's legitimate to need this. Our culture tends to tell women that they are hysterical and overly romantic and that they're asking for too much with regard to relationship. And it tends to tell all of us, you know, love naturally cools off. You won't have passion in a long term relationship. Sex naturally gets a lot less interesting after the beginning. And I don't believe any of those things. I think that that has been many people's experience, but that's simply their experience. You know, the same like, we're not meant to walk barefoot on grass might kind of be a lot of people's experience because they spend so much time in shoes indoors, not connected to the earth. But does that mean that that's more right than the more natural state of living, more in touch with water and soil and fresh air? No, it's just that our culture has gotten away from it. So I'm here for those who are devoted to creating the kind of love and connection and aliveness that I believe we were all born for. And one of the ways that people know that they're my people is that they're hungry for that and that they hear me endorse it and say, if you are hungry to go deeper in love and in sex, it's because you were built for it. Because that actually is right for you. It is not a pipe dream. It is not unreasonable to expect. It's your nature. It's who you are. And you've just been sort of stranded on the desert island of this culture that is so anti intimacy, anti erotic fulfillment. So you're walking around with the rock in your shoe of these unmet needs. But that doesn't have to be the way it is. You can first name them and then you can reach for them to be fulfilled so that you can be your optimal thriving self. Like the kind of plant that is in the right soil, getting the right amount of sun and the right temperature and really, really thriving. So that's my wish for you, and that's what I think is possible. When you acknowledge your needs and stay in the present, stay calm, don't panic that they're not met. Don't get in a hurry, but really watch for. Huh? How does this want to be met? Is it through kind of a portfolio approach? Is it through a complete remodeling of the relationship? Is it through inviting my partner to come on a journey with me around this? The key is that you honor your need and love yourself through it the whole time. Don't fall asleep to the need. Stay aware of what it costs you to not have the need met. And keep the promise to yourself that you will keep your finger on your own pulse every day and take the steps that over time will lead you to have what you need. So, as promised, in the next episode, I'm going to talk with you about how you get your partner on board. If there's something that you have a yearning for that you believe that they are or can be capable of, and you're just not experiencing that together yet. So I look forward to sharing that with you. And out of today, I hope that you're taking away a bright vision of yourself as an organism that has needs that you might not have pinpointed yet, but that you can get acquainted with. And I hope that you can see that those are deeply legitimate and that when you honor those needs and work to, however imperfectly, have them met enough for you to thrive, that you do a service not just to yourself, but but to your partner and everyone you're close to and truly to the whole world. Because what we really need are people whose lights are on, who are truly thriving, shining brightly alive, living our best selves. That's the only way we're going to address the really ugly, dark, difficult things that we face in our world is from the best of us, really being able to shine brightly. So meeting your own needs, making sure that you're living a life that meets them not just from within, but from without as well, is a part of the path to being the change you want to see in the world. And that's what I want for us all. Thanks so much for listening. I would love to hear how this lands for you. I'd love to hear what you're taking away from this episode and what questions you have. Where do you feel this conversation in your body? My free Conscious Couples Circle is the place to continue our conversation. You can share your experiences, ask questions, and get more actionable ideas for creating the love and sex you deeply desire in ways that evolve you both. It's all happening@society.lizenberry.com that link is in the show Notes for you. You know, new listeners need to hear what you're taking away too. Podcast reviews are what really help others recognize how this podcast is different from other relationship and sex podcast podcasts. So thank you in advance for leaving a review right now in your podcasting app while you're thinking of it. Before you forget, with just a few words about what this show gives you. And hey, have you subscribed to the podcast? You're going to want to so you never miss an episode. Please go to the app where you listen, hit that subscribe button, and then you'll always get notifications of new episodes when they drop. Thank you so much for listening. I'm Michelle Lizenberry Christensen and this has been Sex Love Power. I will see you on the next episode and until then, may the light within you illuminate the world around you.