Being Your True Self Annie Henderson

Welcome to the Mike Hartman Show. Mike is a performance coach and former Stanley cup champion with the New York Rangers. Topics on this show are focused around stories, mindset, and champions. Mike will also go into details about helping you with your pain points and struggles and finding motivational solutions on how to have the mindset of a champion. Now, here's your host, Mike Hartman.

Welcome back for another episode. And today we have the privilege of having our guest today, Annie Henderson. She's a life coach, she's a counselor, and she has her master's in education, and she has a fantastic story. Annie, so great that you're here. Please share a little bit about yourself.

Hey, Mike, thank you so much for having me on, and I'm really excited to be here today.

Well, it's really great to have you. So when we do these, we talk a lot about stories, so we have many different athletes on and we have different, different people on. But I really like the coaching business, especially this time of year with there's so much going on with mental health. I know you work a lot with kids, and we really. This whole topic is about being your authentic self. And share with us, how did that come about? Because I know you have a very unique story, a very unique situation about yourself. Can, can you share that with us?

Yes. Yes. So, basically, right, I grew up like most kiddos playing all the sports. And, and Mike, I grew up in a smaller town where they didn't really have a lot available for girls. So I, I ended up usually being the, like, I was the pitcher on the boys Little league team. So lots of different, different kind of situations. But, you know, as kids, we grow up so, so ourselves, so free and, and pure. And there comes an age where we start to, as. There's a book called the Four Agreements. Are you familiar with that book, Mike?

Read the book. Read the book. Love it.

So amazing, right? So it talks a lot about domestication, where we start kind of guiding our kids in a way of act like this, talk like this, respond to adults like this. And, you know, around, you'll kind of tell a shift around as a, as a school counselor. So as you mentioned, I had my master's in education and I also had my master's in school counseling. So I was a school counselor. And you would notice especially around third and fourth grade, there'll be a shift in kids. And then, of course, definitely middle school. Right. As they try to figure out who they are and what they like. Right. They start to. If you have kiddos, they start to be a little resistant of, you know, parents dressing them or, you know, different input, they start to have their own opinions, and then that can go so many different ways. I personally became an extreme people pleaser. I. And, you know, if some people. If you're not aware of some traits of people pleasers. We. And I say we, I would consider myself a recovering people pleaser because at times I still fall back on it. But people pleasers, it might sound like a lot of over apologizing. So if you have someone in your life that says, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry, but too much, too many times, right? They might say it, and it might not even make sense in the situation. They're just. It's such a habit of over apologizing, avoiding conflict. That's a huge people pleaser thing. Um, and, you know, I did that as well. I didn't want. I wanted to be the neutral person. I wanted everything to be smooth. So I would just kind of go with the flow. And then also saying no. That's a huge thing for people pleasers is we want everyone to be happy. We want to please people. So we'll say yes, even if.

Right.

It doesn't serve us, even if it doesn't make us happy, even if it's not authentic to who we are. So I did that in the form of I. When I was thinking about going away to college. I was dating who would then be my future husband at the time, and he didn't want me to go away to college. And it wasn't like a demanding thing, right. It wasn't abusive or anything like that. But people pleasers are just, you know, we want people to be happy. And when he suggested that that wasn't a good idea, I was like, okay. And then that was that. And I stayed put, and I stayed in my little town. I then went on to saying yes, you know, when I was proposed to at the age of 19, which, you.

Know, now very young. Yes.

And, you know, there. There are some people that make that work, but I. I was not one of them. And when I talk to my own daughter, who's now 14, I'm like, your brain does not finish developing until your mid to late 20s. So just take it easy, right? Have fun. Discover who you actually are. So. And, you know, as a great people pleaser, I was married for seven years. I did. I could get along with anybody, and I did. But I had my daughter at 26. And then things started to shift a little bit, right? Because we will take more ourselves, right? We'll. We'll take some. You know, some people even take abuse, right. Or disrespect or just not living authentically. But when you start to think of what you want for your own child, we usually want something better. So a lot of times, as a life coach, I will ask my clients to put them. Put their situation on someone else and see if they still think it's a good idea. So, for example. Go ahead.

No. So going into your story a little bit. So you. So just so people understand. So you had a major shift and you're like, can we talk about that? So you. It was. It. You didn't feel comfortable in your skin. You didn't feel it was right for you. But I know, and I just found this out. I mean, that's not why we're doing the show. But you had a change in your life. You changed just the way. Can we talk about that? I think you know where I'm going with this. I mean, you had a major change, and I want people to understand that it's okay. Like, you came out and told people, I'm not exactly this, but I'm that. Can we. I don't want to give it away, but that's it. Like, so, you know, I'm going to play a little background music for, you know.

All right there. So.

Okay.

Yes. In my. So in my 20s, I came out. I came out of the closet, and now I'm a. I'm a coming out coach. So it leads right into it. I had just growing up in a small town that I mentioned before, that's just some stuff that, you know, gets buried deep down or you might, you know, have an inkling, like some something's. Something's a little different. But, you know, I. I was raised Catholic, and then I went to a Pentecostal church with. With my husband for a while. So I sampled all the religions. And, you know, in this small town where I went, the. It was pretty consistent of, this isn't okay. You know, you're gonna go to hell, basically was. Was the message. And it was such. And I. And I was pretty clueless. My partner, who we've been together nine years, she knew at the age of five. So it's every. Everyone's different with knowing yourself. And it might have been because I was such a huge people pleaser, I just. Was always just going with what other people thought. And as soon as, you know, a guy asked me out, I would say, okay. And then when that one ended, the next one would ask and I'd say, okay. So I just never really even had an opportunity. Opportunity to get to know who I was and what I liked and any of that.

Yeah, yeah. So to go back a little bit because that's what happens. So we're young. And I'll. And I'll take it from the, you know, five years old, so the perspective of my father. Okay, you're gonna play sports. We're gonna sign you up for T ball. Whether you like it or not, we're going to. Which I loved it. So for me, it was for me, all of us. Okay, you're going to school. You have to do well in school, so you go to college and you have to do well in college so you could have a profession. And I took a different route in my life. And it's not about me here. This is. This is. I really want people understand this about you, but my son. My kids did not like sports. And I learned this very young. My son was 5. I would pitch him balls. He didn't like it. He didn't love it. He went to a private school. How to play a sport. So he chose lacrosse. He says, dad, I don't like lacrosse. I don't want to do it.

But.

And I learned. I said, you know what? I love you no matter what. Just because I was a professional athlete, I want you to be chase. And we have the best relationship to this day. Like, I. He lived with me full time. Not to say anything bad about his mom. It just worked out that he was with me full time and we would butt heads and. But. But now we have tea together. We're going to do. We're going to go hiking. We do a lot of stuff together. We don't talk sports. I took him. I took him to Madison Square Garden. Wow. Dad. He came to visit in New York because I. I have to see him. I love my. I mean, my kids are big part of my life, of course, and my daughter was there most of the time, but. And even with her, she didn't love sports as well, but he went to Madison Square. Guy loved the game. Wow, dad, this was cool. But you know what? It wasn't him. Why force things on our young children? That's not them. Or try to make them be something who they're not. So I'm rambling, but it touches me. Like people said, I bet you're upset your son didn't play sports. Not at all. I want my so to be happy, healthy, and whatever choices. I want him to make good choices in his life. That's important. And then the Chips fall where they may. From there.

Yes. And we. We all get to make our own choices. Right. I. I got to play sports, and I loved all the sports that I played. And then again, similar to your story, my. My daughter, she. She's a natural. She's kind of a natural at all of her sports. But. But, you know, she could take it or leave it. She's. And. And I wasn't just like you. I wasn't going to force that on her, because that's not good for anybody. Right. Right. She doesn't need to please me. And. And by doing that. Right. Sometimes we delay the inevitable. We might. As, you know, with sports, you might spend a ton of money and just be so much invested yourself, but your kids not there and they're not in it, and they're. Maybe they're just pleasing you and they're doing it for you and just waiting for the chance to say, you know what? This. This doesn't make me happy.

Yeah. So you're a coach, and you have. And not only are you a life coach and counselor and working with kids, so that's why I really wanted you on. And. And people may not like what I say. There's a lot of mental health issues going on, but all of us have so many different issues in our life. All of us. We're all unique in our own way. According to me, this is my opinion. We're all unique. We're all unique. We're all different. We all. There's no two people alike. You might. Except, you know, you could have an identical twin. But besides that. That was kind of, you know, my little. My little joke. But, but. But we're all. We're all unique in our own way, and we have to accept that. So the question I have for you, what were some of the major, like, setbacks that you had to go through? Because being from a small town right outside of Texas. Right. You grew up outside of Texas, right?

In. In Texas. So north. North of Dallas.

Okay, so north of Dallas, which I've been in there in the. In the summer. It's like we. I once had a hockey school with this guy Keith Tkachuk and Chris Trapper, two former players. And it was like. It felt like it was 500 degrees outside. But so you grew up in that. You grew up in this. You grew up in the small time. And when you meant come out like people say, like, what did you do? And what were those steps that you had to do to tell people, okay, listen, this is who I am. This is Annie this is me, the real me. What. What did you. What did you do?

Right. That's a great question, Mike, because everyone's journey and process is going to be a little bit different because, you know, some families are safer to come out to. Some. Some families, some children have homophobic families and they don't feel safe. Sometimes the parents might be perfectly safe, but the kid's just not there yet to where they still don't feel comfortable for some reason. Personally, I decided to first come out to the people that I knew would love and accept me. So it was my. My brother and my aunt, because I just already knew from conversations, which leads to something very important. Right. Your kids, whether they're coming out to you or not, are listening to your thoughts and your opinions, whether it's. You're commenting about someone on a TV show that might be gay or a relative. Right. Or something on the news, they're soaking all of that up and taking it in, and they're going to use that information. Whether it was, you know, from decades ago when things might have been a little different, or if it was something that happened this year or recently, they're going to hold on to that. So it's. It's a great idea for parents to, you know, it, because sometimes we shift perspectives, sometimes we learn, and we're open to having conversations and learning new things. If you haven't expressed some of this stuff in your thoughts and beliefs to your kids, then they are going to go based off of just their assumptions. So that's what I encourage a lot of my listeners to do is what I told them is if I haven't heard that you are an ally or someone that's going to love me for me, then I'm just going to assume that you're not an ally if you haven't shared that. So whether it's, you know, I'm jumping off onto allies now, but like letting people know that you're a safe person in a safe place, whether that's online. And a lot of people get uncomfortable with sharing stuff on social media, but sometimes it's. It is life savings, right? Do I want to be uncomfortable or do I want to save someone's life? Because I put this out there and let them know that they're. They're okay and that I love them and that they can speak to me if they need to.

Yeah, absolutely. And this is what this show's all about. It's about being your authentic self today and you coming on and telling us your story. We're going to get to more about what you do because it's fascinating and some of people should listen to. Been 15 minutes. I know we have this. This is to help again. This is to help people. And your love for people is what, is what you do, which has led you. And I'm not going to speak for you, but you work with children. Is this what made you want to work with children and go to school to be a counselor?

No, no. Actually, I got my. So I, my ma My bachelor's degree was in psychology. I've always loved psychology. And then my master's. I ended up getting three master's degree with elementary education, which just happened to be a fluke. It was offered at my local college and I was going to get that master's before I went on to go into private practice with counseling. So I went on to get my master's in professional counseling and then school counseling because I just love all of that. And then once I, you know, dip my toes into elementary school, it's just kids are, like I said before, they're so pure, they're so sweet. They're creative, they're right. They're better at problem solving than many adults because they haven't limited themselves. And you know, it's, it's. They're just so amazing. So I, I do have some teen and youth clients still. And then I have a lot of parents too, because our, our thoughts and beliefs and words have a huge impact on our kids. And to you know, it, I always use this example. It makes me think of sending your dog away for training, right? And then the dog comes back and magically, magically, we hope it's better. But if we are still influencing, if we're still creating the environment around our dog or our kids, it's going to have an impact. So letting parents know that, you know what, it does make a difference. It's okay. And it's totally fine and acceptable for everyone to go to counseling or get a life coach or something where you are continuing to grow. It's never too late.

And I love that because it's so important. And again, a big reason here we have a lot of people. I've had 20 emails from coaches that want to go on our show and here's what they say. And I don't want to get off topic. I have a lot of likes, I have a lot of Instagram followers. I coached this person. I was a life coach here. I counseled this person. And everybody today, friends themselves. And what stuck out about you was, you know, how I found you and people don't have to know, but I how I found you and I've heard great things and I just, I go with my gut. And it was just a good energy. Let's just say that for the people they don't have, it was a good, it was a good energy. But. And for me it was more about the first thing you said is how can I help you? And maybe we should learn that. So we're going to go back and forth. I am not a psychologist. I did take psychology in school. I was somebody that probably could have seen you up to about fifth or sixth grade. I had my issues. I was a little insecure finding my identity. I was a young. People said, boy, you were a shy, awkward kid growing up. And people didn't realize that I didn't grow into my body or even my mind till 10th grade. And everything came together in school and everything else. But I was a late bloomer. And this is what this is for. We have to approach, appreciate the late bloomers. So let's go back and forth a little bit. Let's talk a little bit about psychology and I'm going to use one analogy and this is what it's for. When, when somebody, we use this in sports, so your families are in sports or anything else. When someone would say, don't spill the milk, you're telling someone, don't spill it. You're already setting them up for failure because they're going to spill the milk. So my father would say, and I love my have great parents. I have the. I'm the luckiest person in the world. I have.

I don't.

I have myself. I actually, I worked with a philosophy teacher from the University of Tennessee and he taught me. Mike, you keep saying that I have myself, but I was fortunate in my life to have loving and caring parents. But my father would say, don't spill the milk. Well, I'm nervous I'm going to spill it. Can you elaborate on that a little bit and help us out and tell us why we don't want to say don't do this or don't set them up for failure.

Yeah, no, I love that our words are so powerful. Right. So whether it's, you know, whether you're talking about what our subconscious kind of picks up on and focuses on or just the power of our words and how our brains will release different chemicals based off words we choose. So, you know, whether it's thoughts and emotions are, they're positive. Our brain can release, release certain chemicals and the same for negative. When you mentioned that kind of predicting don't spill the milk, my mom was totally and is totally the same way. And I, my daughter and I will chuckle about it because I do talk to her about the power of words. So don't, don't fall down, don't get in an accident. All of those predictive things where your mind is then focusing on the negative. Right. So how we choose to phrase our words is very important. So just being aware of those little shifts. How can I shift don't spill the milk into something that instead of focusing on the negative side of it, I'm still saying the same thing. I've just shifted it and my brain is going to pick up on that just a little differently. So be careful. Right. Or you might move your milk to the center. It's just that can be powerful and right as, as your listeners, whether they're athletes or not. I know my, my mom would always say keep, keep your eye on the ball. Right. That's more of a positive one. So if you focus on, you know, don't get out or don't, all the negative, that's just, will kind of pile up on, on someone, especially kids. Right.

That's, that's exactly what I was looking for. So my, I came home one day and my son said, dad, you're a helicopter parent. My own son. And so, you know, my son was the one that would sit in his room. He had friends, had a girlfriend in high school, played sports, but did it because he had to play. And he just was very quiet behind closed doors. And I used to say, you need to come out, you need to do this, you need to do that. And I realized I've read a lot of books and it wasn't until I talked to a counselor, this is the importance of what you said earlier, talking to somebody. And I was being a helicopter parent. I was. Instead of just letting them be, you know, I would say, don't put tin foil in the microwave, you're going to catch the house on fire. And I would say, you know, really, dad? But because maybe I'm more nervous of the house catching on fire and I'm not around. Let's say I was out or traveling and whatever it may be. So I learned the way I communicate. It's the same in leadership. It's the same in whatever you do. Whatever you do. Effective communication is important. Can you help? Can you elaborate on that a little bit? How important, like you said, word choices were important. Is there another way to communicate? How do we communicate well, like you said, getting the point across.

Yeah. And just focusing on what you do actually want to happen instead of. Instead of the negative. There's a book that I recommend and I mentioned it on my podcast recently. I had a book recommendations from a life coach. And one of them was called Crucial Conversations. Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. And it is so good, it. And what it does is it talks about the importance of communicating and not only, you know, tone and body language, but the words we choose and making sure the information's out there. And it even had research in there where they might go and observe a. Let's say it's a couple and how they. This couple, this marriage, how they communicate together. And the people observing would able. Were able to say within maybe a 90% or so accuracy if that couple would end up getting a divorce in the future due to their words and their communication. And same with. And even, you know, even more important, same. Same with businesses. Right. If they can't communicate well, then the business won't succeed. It even took it over to some research where they taught one group of people recovering from. And I don't remember exactly if it was cancer or what it was, but they took half of the group and they taught them communication skills because they knew how important it was. And then they left both groups alone for five years. And afterwards they saw that the ones that did not have these communication skills taught ended up. A lot of them ended up succumbing to the illness. And the ones that had been taught these communication skills were able to express themselves. Right. Live authentically. We're able to ask for what they need instead of bottling stuff up because our emotions and our thoughts and beliefs have such an impact not only on our future, but our physical life and physical body.

And how about the tone? Because I hear it sometimes. My son used to say, why did you have to say it that way? You know, my daughter's older. She's 26. And. And the same with her dad. Like when I remember when they were really young. Now they're older and we don't have. Have these issues. But why do you have to say it that way? And I didn't realize my tone. How important is the tone and how. And how we do it? Because sometimes I didn't. I didn't realize my tone until I. Someone else told me. Did you hear the way you said it? No, I didn't realize it. So I had to work on that. This is all work. This is work, everybody. You need to work at this. This and communication is work in your tone. Tell us a little bit about that.

Yeah. So tone. And just put yourself in their shoes. If you think of. If you've ever been at work or even growing up with your own parents, how important is tone? Because we can say something like, put away your clothes or put away your clothes. Right. You can say it so many different ways. Even if I'm just. Even if I'm whispering. And as a teacher, as an educator, like you said, tone, body language, all of it will play a part. And they're soaking up so much. So that's why in sales and stuff like that, people will talk about before they hop on a phone call. Right. They have to shift. They have to kind of smile while they're talking, because that energy, like you said, you picked up on some of my energy, the energy that goes with it. And even though you might not have intentionally had a tone with your son, he was picking up on a different level. And what you don't want is you don't want to say something to your kids, and they take something wrong. And, you know, part of that is assumptions, and part of it is checking back in. But, Mike, I love that you are open to that. You're open to digging in deeper. When. When your kid called you a helicopter, you didn't just resist and. Or get angry. You were like, huh, let me kind of look into that. So kudos to you.

Yeah. So I'm. I. We realize that we have to work on ourselves. It's something that. That we have to do. And I want you to tell us, okay, because I. What's the difference? Because you're a counselor. What's the difference between a counselor and a life coach?

That's a great question. So, yes, I am both. I'm a licensed professional counselor, and I'm a certified professional life coach. So a counselor. You want to go to a counselor, Right. If you are struggling with maybe some issues from your past, maybe you have a lot of trauma from your childhood that you are wanting to talk through, maybe you are needing a diagnosis, maybe you're needing some medication. So that is that. So if you think of, like a baseline, not. Not in sports, but, like, where your neutral is, if you are struggling to function in everyday life, then. Right. A counselor or a psychologist would be someone great to go to. If you are wanting to focus on your present life, if you're wanting to do better, if you're wanting to work on your future and maybe take some things that maybe you learned from past situations, like, okay, I can Take that. Now I can see how I can shift my thoughts and my beliefs to do an even better job. That's my version of coaching and counseling. Does that make sense?

Yeah, no, that. That makes. That makes a lot of sense. That really makes a lot of sense. That's great because. Because you're both. And at the end, I'm sure people are going to want to know how they can get in contact with you. So then you did something else, because I know you performed this on somebody I know. And it's called. It's called EFT or known as tapping. And tell us a little bit about that, because I am blown away by that. I've never heard about that until recently. So tell us about tapping. And even after they talk to you or see you or do it by zoom or in person, however. However you do it, how they could do it on themselves and continue it. So tell us a little bit about that.

Yes. So EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. And it is something that's been around for decades. And it takes a little bit from Eastern. Eastern medicine and energy meridians. But besides all of that, it is a. It's similar to acupuncture without needles and that you can perform this on yourself. And when I have a client, what we'll do is we hop on. You know, it can be done in person or I've had clients in India and in Liverpool across the pond, and we can get on a video call and I can walk them through this. And what it does is if you subscribe to the idea that our emotions and our thoughts have an impact on our physical health, then this. This is kind of lends itself to that. So if you. Most people can relate to what I'm about to say, a lot of people will carry stress in their neck and shoulders.

Yeah. Yes.

Does that sound like you? So this is usually not that much.

Not that much. But people I know. Yeah, I carry it elsewhere.

Gotcha. Yeah. And sometimes. Yeah, sometimes back. Sometimes different areas. And I'll give you some examples of some different areas that I've helped people shift. So I've had personally, my shoulder. So as an athlete, as the pitcher on my little league team and softball in high school, I have thrown a lot and I played outfield as well, so I would just launch it to the catcher. So my shoulder a while back, because now I just turned 40, so now it's been a good while. My shoulder started giving me trouble. And it was about a month of just paint. Like I couldn't really throw anything. It was Just, and I love to play with my daughter, whether it's, you know, just going to the pond and launching rocks or playing tennis, whatever it is. So it was kind of preventing me from being able to be my normal self. So I was able to finally realize, oh, I should at least try this, because what it is, is it doesn't cause you any pain to, to try this. Right. And once you learn it, then you can try it out for free. Of course, I'm a EFT practitioner, so I have a little extra in depth knowledge than just following a YouTube video. But I was able to get rid of that pain that I'd had for a month in about three minutes for myself.

Wow.

And it involves like, I, like we talked about tapping on certain meridian points. It involved a little bit of talking through thoughts that were around that pain. Right. So my thought was, oh, gosh, I'm getting, like, I'm getting old now. This is what it's, this is what life's going to be like for me. And emotions like, oh, this is, this is frustrating. And it was as simple as that for me. Some people have really quick wins like that. My aunt had her, she had had neck surgery, so she had had a fusion in the back of her neck. And I was a little nervous of even attempting to, trying to help her because I was like, I don't know if there's, you know, anything emotional about this. I was like, but if you want to try, we can try it. And she had, you know, she had had surgery, I guess a day or two before. She was on pain meds. She wasn't sleeping well. She was having to, you know, heat and all of that stuff. And we did it in about 15 to 20 minutes. For that, that time period, we got her pain down to a zero. She didn't need the medication that night. And because she had had such great results with it, she, which is what I would love and recommend for people to do, she was able to take it and apply it in the future for other situations. So she used, you know, I taught her on something physical. And then she was wanting to play the flute at church, but she was getting some performance anxiety. And I know when it comes to sports, a lot of us have some of that where we, you know, the nerves can come in. So for the flute, her mouth would get really dry to where that was how her performance anxiety was showing up. So she decided, you know what, I'm going to just try this out really quick. And she, she did it and it went away. And for her it never came back.

See, that's great. So this is, this is fantastic. This is great. So I'm going to let you know, I know you're part of a best selling author. I mean you have so many great things. Counselor, life coach, eft. Tell us where people can get in touch with you if they, if they want to do this because I'm going to give a testimonial. I know it works because somebody very close to me has recently been through this with you and I know everything is confidential within what you do and what somebody else has done, but I could just tell you it works, everybody. I highly recommend it. So where can we get in touch with you, Annie?

Thank you, Mike. And yes, I'm so happy that that person got the results they wanted. So to reach me, my website is Annie M. Henderson.com. so just my name, same place, same thing to find me like on most social media. Annie M as in Marie Henderson.

Great. Annie, it was fantastic having you. Great information for everybody. We could all apply something. I could, I always believe we could always learn from people, especially people that have, who are, I call them subject matter professionals or experts in that area. And you're one. Thank you so much for being here. Really. It was nice to have you.

It was so great being on Mike. Thank you so much for having me.

Okay.

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