Family Harmony - The Secret Behind Every Successful Entrepreneur

And I tried to do the right thing. And there I was. What happened? I became my mother. This cold in fear, worried about money, person started my career right. Reasons for my kid. And it spiraled.

Yeah.

You see your parents focusing so much on wanting to better their careers, but until you see them wanting to make an effort to have a better relationship with you and put effort into their family, the same effort that they put into their career, you gotta show them first why would they buy in and they don't see you doing the work.

I see how powerful this is, you know, in my own family. And I know that I could have saved God. Just years and years of pain and misery.

Hey, this is Mike Knakes. I'm here today with two very, very special guests. Welcome to Capability Amplifier Wave. Come on, say hi. There we go. All right. Well, I wanted to begin today with this little opener which is as a founder, owner with a significant other, spouse, kids, you know that if things aren't going great in your family, your ability to perform, get stuff done, stay focused and be in your zone of genius. Your unique ability or your superpower is limited now. Your health suffers, your energy suffers, your sleep suffers. But most importantly, you're going to be living a life of more regrets for frustration and aggravation. So what if there was an easy to follow, step by step roadmap for family harmony? Now that is the key word to pay attention to today, family harmony. And believe me, I've got a 20 year old right now. I know what it's like to not always be in family harmony. My guest today, or guests rather, is an amazing duo of mother and daughter. Mom's a hard driving, successful, very funny and engaging female entrepreneur. She's a little nervous on camera right now. Her son Jonathan calls her the telephone terrorist. And you'll know why in a moment. She's amazing. She knows how to sell. Ariel is a certified occupational therapist who spent 10 years working in New York's Upper east side with adults and children. Everything from the most difficult, challenging kids on the spectrum, adhd, Alzheimer's, dementia, Parkinson's. And she is a graduate of NYU and Columbia University. She also worked at the UN and she's worked with some of the wealthiest families in the New York and area providing support and care. Now they have a very unique fun story in business and a seven step system to create family harmony. So if you, like me, have dealt with all the frustration of being a parent, having your entrepreneurial drive and business negatively affect the connection and intimacy of your relationships, or if you've Missed important time with your kids, or if you've written out big checks to make big problems go away, spent a fortune for your kids education, their healthcare, their mental healthcare, and paid for their mistakes. Or maybe you haven't yet. This is the system you've been looking for. So welcome today. This is Dana Weinberger and Ariel Chipoletta. All right, well, it's great to have you guys here today.

Thanks for having me.

All right. I know we've been working really hard the past few days, and you guys have been amazing, but I really wanted to begin our conversation today with a. This is a great question I've been asked before, which is, what do you believe?

Well, Mike, I have a very strong belief my dad really instilled in me, and it's having the courage to speak and believe what you say is important and don't second guess ever.

Yep. No, I know. You are feisty and furious. How about you, Ariel?

I truly believe that communication between family members can be strengthened at any age and at any point, even as bad as it seems like it gets, especially with young adult children.

All right. And again, I think you guys have been. You've been working your tails off, and you've got an amazing backstory. So I think, you know, talk a little bit about your dad as a speechwriter. JFK speechwriter, because that's really fun and really interesting.

Yeah, my. My dad was a really cool guy. My dad's 93, healthy as could be. We're very blessed. And when he was in his early 20s, he worked at a clothing store in New York. And. And as he was helping the tailor, there was somebody in a funny accent, happened to be Boston, writing a speech, and my dad just automatically opened his mouth and said, gosh, that's awful. Fast forward the end of the day, he was called into his boss's office, and he thought he'd get fired. And it turned out it was John Kennedy, and he was very impressed with my dad. So instead of getting fired, they dressed him up and he met the Kennedys and became one of his press secretary. Press writers, rather.

Yeah, no. And for you, Arielle, I know we're gonna get. This is. I've been thinking a lot about, like, how to best get the very best out of you guys today. Cause you've got a really fun mixed story. But for you, Arielle, you.

Your backstory is you weren't always the easiest kid, and you weren't always the easiest. You took a long time to figure out how to get along with your mom and ultimately led to the business that you're doing right now. But what's your backstory? Because I think there's some gold in there. Relatable gold.

Absolutely. Just like a lot of mother, daughter pairs, My mom and I did not get along growing up, especially as a young adult. We were polar opposites. We still are polar opposites. But at that point, we didn't have a way of working together. My mom was always on the phone. She was that parent that every other kid looked around and was like, thank God that's not my mom. On the phone at a sporting event, on the sideline, on speakerphone, hearing her close all of her deals. So while the whole field is also listening to her close her eyes.

Dana, Dana, let me be clear.

I closed the deal.

Exactly. You did.

And we heard the whole negotiation, and so did both teams and spectators.

And.

Her intentions were in the right place. And she was a great mom. She was always there physically, but not really present, not listening, at least I felt like that. I also really struggled in school. I had a learning disability that wasn't picked up until I was much older, until my mom and I learned a better way to communicate. So everything ended in battles. My brother and my mom get school.

Good job, mom.

School was really easy for my mom and my brother, so they had a much better relationship. Everything my brother likes to do, my mom also likes to do. Homework didn't take him five hours. They were both into sports. They could do work in the car. I. I wasn't able to do that. What they took 10 minutes to do took me two hours. And that ended in screaming matches every day.

Yep. Yep. And I asked you that question because I wanted to create really, a super relatable story. But for you, Dana.

I know one of the breaking points was.

You know, feeling like you were living a lie. And it was after. After cancer. So you and I have a cancer story together. Very similar. But why don't you talk a little bit about your breaking point as a mom and really what set you up? Because.

You know, how you were raised and how you raised your kids really dictated a lot until you decided to become conscious.

Yes, I was. Let's make it clear. I was very unconscious. Not. Aw.

Yeah.

So if you look at the snapshot of when Ariel was talking about, I was living the American dream. I lived in Connecticut, had a huge house, very successful recruiting business. I thought I was a great mom. I even worked from home so I can spend time with my children. Yeah. Train wreck, dumpster fire. The reality was that in my world, my mom was never present. My dad was always present, very supportive. My parents were divorced when I was very young, at age 5. And I just wanted the right thing for my kids. I wanted to be a great mom. And then everything fell apart. And it was interesting how it happened. As Ariel said, there was a lot of screaming and yelling. And one day I had lost a client.

I find that very hard to believe. Very hard to believe.

It wasn't as loud as she puts it. One day I lost a client, so I was probably not the nicest person to be around, and realized I had to get my kid, my son, to football. And of course, nothing's organized in my house. I work. I don't have time for that. And I'm screaming, and a quiet scream, and then it got louder. And my son got stuff together, and my daughter's standing there, frozen. Frozen, if you can imagine. And I'm screaming. Getting your. Get your backpack ready. Let's go, let's go. Everybody got in the car. And all of a sudden, like the old computer downloads. Cha ching, cha ching, cha ching. There was my life. Oh, my gosh, Horrible mom. And what I realized was I wasn't present ever. And every bad thing I did, all of a sudden, that was it. Hit the fan. Hit the fan. And little things led up to that. My son one day said to me, we're having a conversation. He said, mom, you're not listening to me. You're wasting my time. Ariel would constantly say, you're always on the phone. They had a funny saying. It's family time when Mom's on the phone. And I tried to do the right thing. And there I was. What happened? I became my mother. This cold, in fear, worried about money person. Started my career.

Right.

Reasons for my kid. And it spiraled.

Yeah, yeah. You can't. You can't ignore your programming. That's for sure. It's that DNA level thing. So I think before you guys developed the Family Harmony roadmap system, you did a lot of work. And I want you to talk a little bit about Don Miguel Ruiz, the work you did there. What that is, you know, I think is important for people who aren't familiar with four agreements and then your own therapy, the work you did. And then I'll ask you, Ariel, a little bit about, you know, what happened when you guys had this moment where you're like, holy cow, we're actually on the same page, even though we're way, way, way different people.

Okay.

So to start with, I started looking around, and to be honest, there's not a lot out there on the parent model. Right. You need a roadmap. If. Roadmap. I was invited to an event with somebody by the name of Don Miguel Ruiz. And if you don't know who he is, the Four Agreements is a life changing book.

Yep.

Met him briefly, started reading the book and thought, wow, I can do this fast forward. I. I'm a quick start. And I wanted to learn all of it. And I became a teacher for him. And as I learned the techniques and tools, I watched my life get better. And then I started teaching other people those tech, those tools and it just started to click. And then I talked to therapists and then I started reading other books. And it was a lot of work. A lot of work. It didn't have to be that difficult. I made it difficult.

There was nothing out there at the time. I did the best I could and I wanted to do it as quick as I could. Right. Because when you see that horribleness in the beginning, you just want to solve the problem. Right. You're an entrepreneur. What do we do? We solve problems.

Yeah. Quick start. Quick start. Quick start.

But I couldn't solve the problem.

Yeah.

Until it took time. And I will say, most importantly, what the big deal. I took responsibility for me first as a parent. Wasn't my child's fault, wasn't the environment's fault. It was, Dana, wake up. And that's what I did.

Yeah. So for you, Ariel.

How long did it take from the time your mom really started doing the work until you started noticing a noticeable shift and then at what point was it significant and you started seeing a shift in an improvement in your capabilities? So what I'm looking for here is the relationship between being understood and heard and listened to at home and how that affected your own performance, getting past some of your own limitations and then, you know, your evolution.

Absolutely. For my mom, I would say a few months after starting the Don Miguel Ruiz program and really following through on those four agreements, she was a lot more present. She would turn her phone off at events. We didn't hear the speaker.

At least with the hour for the event.

There's so much shame in that face. I'm glad I asked that question.

And then she. Within six months, we were able from her sitting and doing homework and not making deals at the table. I was diagnosed with a learning disability.

That's awesome.

And it was great. Once we knew that and she was more present still sitting in the same spot she was before, but with a whole different perspective. I was diagnosed with a Learning disability. She got me the tools to be successful. And my grades went from D's and C's to straight A's. I got into nyu. I graduated NYU with honors and then went on to Columbia University. So I would say within six months, really a few months of her working together with Domo Galorez's work, there was huge changes.

That's impressive. How about Jonathan? Like, what happened with him? When did he notice a difference? When did you see an improvement? And I know he's been through three colleges.

Thrown out of the house. Don't forget thrown out of the house.

Okay, nice.

He was a slow learner, right? Boys take a little bit longer than girls.

Oh, yeah. No, we're terrible.

Maybe five years. Yeah. Jonathan. Our communication got better quicker. We became close, but behaviors took a lot longer. So he flunked out of three colleges, as you said. Then finally one day, I just. I kept supporting him. That's really important. Even though I did that. Thank goodness, during that time, I was present as a mom. And he decided to go to school. He got his associates, his bachelor's in one year. Just recently graduated law school with high honors. He spoke at his valedictorian. He was the valid. Not the valedictorian, but he spoke. It was 1, 2, or 3. I can't remember what number he was, but he was the one that gave the speech. And in the speech, and I still have tears when I say it, he said, I want to thank my mom for her support. And it was such a gift because there was the turnaround. You ask about the turnaround, there it is. You know, I threw him out. I had to do what I had to do as a mom. But if I wasn't present, Mike, I don't know where my child would be. I don't know. I don't know. And now I'm an honored mom to say he is going to be a Navy JAG officer, which they take 2% of the people that apply where he's been and where he is now. Wow.

Yeah. Well, we talked to him yesterday because I wanted to talk to him and ask him some questions. And that's when he. When he was like, oh, yeah, my mom, the telephone terrorist. That was hilarious. But really, he was so supportive. Both of. Both of you. That was great to. From, you know, doing this business together, because that's a big step as well. But also when you heard his goals, you know, I'm going to be Olympic. Olympic quality trained athlete. You know, do what I'm doing. And he's not about the money. Like, he's clearly principled. He's really. I could hear the gears turning in terms of how you could hear how his brain works. So he's super left brain. That'd be my evaluation. Now, you've said that before because he's an attorney, but I can hear the respect. And you guys talk a lot too, as a family. You're like, you are talking to everyone all the time. That's a big part of your life.

I've turned my phone into a positive with my family, and I think Covid helped a little bit. But we still FaceTime. My son, my daughter in law, Ariel, my sister, and we talk, you know, and the other thing that's really cool, my children want to go on vacation with me. It used to be vacation.

Heck, I don't want to hell.

Hell. Okay. There it was, you know, you'd go, you spend all this money and you go on vacation and everyone's miserable. And now we all talk about it. Who, who wants to do what? We come up with an agreement. We go on vacation if we have a ball.

Yeah. That's awesome. Yep. And I, I, I will tell you that just you had some really good tips because the first thing you did when you came into town is you took my wife out for dinner. You know, it's really sweet of you. And you know, you had some great input and feedback for how to interact with Zach. And so I've noticed a change. Just my own family just having you here, and it's, it's very, very emotional for me.

Thank you.

You're welcome. So let's talk a little bit about.

The moment when you started getting. Because you've been doing therapy work or therapeutic work on a lot of levels now for over a decade. And for you, Dana, you started having people because at the time, you had your recruiting company and people were coming to you for advice. And you really bridged this gap of, oh, my God, I'm a lot more productive, I'm a lot happier. And it's because I did the work and I got my family stuff rolling. And you sort of became a unpaid therapist on a professional level. And at some point you figured out there's a business here and this is your next act. So why don't you both talk a little bit about your own transformations, your realizations. Let's partner up, let's work together. But also where there was so much need for this. Right?

Okay, so back to what I was saying when I was going through this. There was nothing. Yeah, really. And I still, it's really hard. So. And fast forward. I happen to be a member of Strategic Coach. I'm a big fan of Dan Sullivan. And as I'm talking to people in Strategic Coach and thinking about the people when I owned my executive recruiting firm, it's all the same. People want to have a great family. How productive are you if you have a problem in the morning, right? Think about it. You're not productive in your first meeting and your poor child is thinking about all day all the bad things they did. Right. Just out the door from the get go. So when I started to see that and keep hearing and I heard that for a couple of years and then I thought about Ariel and I'm a little selfish and I thought, wow, I paid for NYU in Columbia, we can utilize this together. And I'm an entrepreneur, I'm a go getter. And Ariel is such an amazing, amazing occupational therapist. I've seen changes. You know, we had a discussion. I told you my. She took a child that was afraid of water. And over a summer in New York City, at the end of the summer, the child was playing in water in the fountains that go up and down. And if I can use my business sense and my daughter can create these small miracles, we can change the world and create huge miracles. And you don't have to do it over 15 years. I took the slow boat to China. There's a quicker way. So what we've done is we've taken what we've learned, what's worked, what hasn't worked, little techniques, little strategies and made it quick. You know, it could be a three month deal. It doesn't have to be 15 years. And if I had that that much quicker. We have a great relationship now and every day it gets better. And I look back and think, wow, if I had what I had now, I could have had 13 more years of better. And I'm so grateful. I have great kids. You can see the result. I have great kids and every minute's important now. Every minute is important.

Yeah. Okay, so that was super useful. How about you, Ariel? Talk about your journey where your realization, where this came together and you're like, yeah, we have something here.

Absolutely. I mean, as my mom said, it took many years for us to get to me to be as successful as I felt like I could be, to have my self esteem back, to have better communication with my whole family. And it was really through a couple of steps that we've figured out and it doesn't take 15 years and the need is There. Our story is not unique. Learned. As I've gotten older, it feels like it is unique. But this is a very common story. And people, kids don't have to be in that boat.

So true. Well, and, and I'll tell you, like, I've had a personal breakthrough in my life.

That'S, that's similar. And it is that right now, Zach is doing work for me and he's doing AI and he has been developing some apps and he's learning some really incredible skills. And one of if I could have waved a magic wand myself and looked into the future and said, what do I really, really want? What's important to me? What would I write a checkout for? For almost any, any amount. And it would be if I could get along with my son. And he'd listen and execute and be coachable and then go into business with me. Because my youngest brother, I taught him how to code when he was 14 years old. He ended up being my best employee for 10 years. And to this day, the career he has is what he started in a way, when he's 8 years old, you know, and he's a remarkably talented, technical, technically proficient guy. And Zach just had a really big breakthrough. He solved a big technical challenge. And he's also a film student at CU Boulder. Get more clients. Grow your business with better marketing and messaging. Make more money and get a better life with more freedom of time, money, relationship, and impact. Learn more about our three day One on One Done with youh Reinvention workshop. Visit connecttomike.com to book a conversation with me right now. All right, back to the episode. So that would be one of them. The other one is my wife and I have been married 22 years. Vivian and I, we're both power couples. I mean, we get a lot of stuff done. We're get her doners. But working with her in the past sucked. It was like we just couldn't get on the same page. And I'll take full responsibility for not communicating in a way she needed to hear. I didn't learn those skills. And again, like you're saying, it's like, where are the resources? But as we progressed, our latest big project is this thing in Mexico. And we're developing property, we're building this thing, and we are on like a team now. And if we, if I would have had what you guys provided, I think it would have saved me a decade of pain for sure. And so I say all that because I think what I'd like to do is.

Set up the what would you do? And this is for everyone listening and watching right now. What would you do? If you could wave a magic wand and have anything you wanted, you could make your biggest problems go away. Unscrew up your kids, improve your marriage, get on the same page, live in harmony, whatever harmony means. What would that mean, mean to you? And why don't you talk a little bit about the system? Because you've got, you guys have put together a really smart, unique seven step system.

And it's a roadmap. It's Family Harmony Roadmap, which is a great name. Boy, I don't know who Family Harmony System rather, but.

Who came up with that fantastic name.

You can go ahead.

But seriously, let's talk. Let's talk about the system. Dive into it. I know I talked a lot there, but I had a lot, I had a lot on my mind because I've watched you guys evolve so much. And I see how powerful this is, you know, in my own family. And I know that I could have saved God. Just years and years of pain and misery.

Yeah.

Okay, go for it. Tell us about the seven step system. What, what's step one? What do you do? How's this work? And how did you turn your pain into something that can work and it's translatable to anyone?

Okay, so we start. The first step is engage. We want to know what's going on, really looking at what are the bottom line issues. We ask some questions, get an answer. We use, similar to a Dan Sullivan question. What do you want it to look like? So if we were together in a year's time, what would you be celebrating? What's important to you? And be it with your children, be it with your spouse, whatever it is, be it with your whole family. You know, I mean, I've worked with clients and I hear we don't have date night anymore. Okay, well, create a date night. Make it happen once a week.

But there's a reason why it's not happening.

Why is it not happening?

So what's the values conflict? And you don't know what the conflicts are until you do the front end work. Right. Okay.

Right.

Which, which, yeah. Arielle, give us your, your version of Engage. Like what's going on and how have you taken Your education, your 10 years of experience, your observations, working with old people.

Young people, people with, you know, with.

Mental challenges. You know, you've, you've kind of seen it all, done it all. Yeah.

I mean, the first step is really to look at what's going on. It's the same for everybody. What's going on and what could be better? What frustrates you? What is the most frustrating thing from day to day that would. If we can improve that, it would improve your whole life and everything you do with your family.

Yeah. And I know the Tony Robbins phrase is.

A compelling future in Dan Sullivan language. It's a positive, moving future. I mean, it's really just getting in touch with that. That's what I hear. Okay. And then the next step, you call it listen. You know, engage, listen. Talk a little bit about what listening means in the context of this.

Hear. Obviously, hearing. We use one of the tools we use. We have a bunch of them, but one of the tools we use that people may know what it is is the Colby. We use the Colby. A. What that does is that looks at a part of your brain that most other assessments don't, and it gives us an idea of where you are, how I communicate. So let me give you a quick example. If you look at Ariel and I direct opposites, I'm a quick start. I want to get it done.

Yeah. What are your Colby scores for people who know the score?

I'm a 2, 3, 9 4.

I'm a 9722.

Okay. So super high. You're super high. Quick start. Low fact finder. She's super high. I mean, I don't know if I don't remember meeting a nine fact finder before. I mean, that's really high. And in a way, when you took take your two scores and add them up, it basically works out to be like 11, 10, 10, 10, 11. I think so, like, in one way. Well, it makes for a whole person. Right. But if you think about it like a gaps perspective, but it does mean that you get unique superpowers when you combine them. And you literally get to see the world through a completely different filter and a lens. But so then when you take that, your third.

Phase is empower. And what is empower? And you know, what does that mean?

Empowering is looking at each individual and how they interact with each other using their. Everybody has strengths and things that are more challenging for them. So understanding where the communication struggles are is very important. And everyone's unique way of doing things. How we can, where there are some challenges, where there's gonna. Where we're gonna bump heads and some other ways of looking at it so that that friction isn't happening. There's not blow ups every day.

Yeah. And you've got. I know you have software that enables you to look at this as well. So you're processing and you're getting some pretty detailed. So inside of a family of like five, for example, you're going to get mom, dad, or. And the kids. And the interaction interplay between all of those, which is complex math. I mean, it's like, why are families complicated? It's because you got a bunch of complicated people, completely different personalities, different needs, different everythings. And it's inevitable unless you're familiar, aware, and you know, what matters, how they hear, what they listen to. But what's your perspective on the. On that face?

So as we're talking, I'm thinking in business, we want to get the right people in the right seats on the right bus. Right. What if you did that with a family? So you have expectations for. For Ariel and John. Back to my story. I expected her to be able to get her books and get in the back of a car and do her homework. Well, shame on me, because that's not what she does. Yeah, she needs an area to study. So we're able to look at those things and not. And say, okay, this dynamic could work differently. And it's not doing. Your kid still has to do their homework. Yes, but maybe the environment's not right. You know, maybe. Dinner time. We, you know, you and I spoke about, you know, a technique. I'll throw it out now, you know, cell phones. What are we doing with cell phones? You know, my kids know, we walk in the house for dinner, even with my family, my extended family. Now we all do it. Phones in a basket. Done. Done. But, you know, so what. How. What works? What doesn't work? That kind of thing.

Right on. Yeah. You've got to have. Have the tools. All right, so the next one. Step four. Agree. We did talk about the four agreements and the effect that Don Miguel Ruiz had on you, which, by the way, both of you are Colby certified on multiple levels. So I did want to throw that out. You've got other tools, too. Great.

Yeah. And we have other tools as well. I believe that's a beginning tool that starts it, and then you. Can we use that and expand on the other tools we have?

Yeah. So talk about step four. Agree. I'll let you take this one, Ariel. Yeah.

So step four is really the agreement. So we're coming up with individual and collaborative goals, but everyone needs to understand everybody else's goals, to have a collective goal and where you want to go with that. And once we have those goals, what does the future look like? What do we want to do once we accomplish those Goals. What would the perfect picture look like? Not perfect. I don't like that. I actually don't like that word. Perfect is not a great word, but the ideal. If you closed your eyes and said I could had a magic wand and we could solve my biggest problem, what would that look like?

Right.

Once we applied strategies.

Right, right. So you've got. So you guys are getting into both my individual goal, everyone in the family, and creating a collective goal, which really is what the roadmap's all about. It's like find an X on the treasure map. But what's your take on the agreement on phase four?

Well, so, okay, you spoke about Miguel and remember, that's how I started. So what? I learned some of those techniques, and it's really getting people to say yes. It doesn't mean it's gonna be perfect, and it may not be the solution, but it's saying yes in that moment and trying it, you know, make an attempt. And I think that's really important. You have to be committed. And frankly, if you're not committed, you won't work. This isn't going to work. I mean, you have to be committed.

Yeah, but you guys have. One of the things that you're really, really good at is getting everyone on the same page. Because I know a lot of people might look at this and go, oh, yeah, this sounds great. I want all this stuff. But trying to get my 15 year old or my 17 year old to show up and participate in this, that's not easy. You know, getting everyone. And the truth is, every family needs a coach. And all the greatest coaches usually have multiple coaches. And you can't do this for your own kid. It's never going to work. You need an outside party that earns the trust. And if you've got tools like Colby, where you can present and say, hey, here's the reason why your dad or your mom can't hear you, keeps on yelling at you, trying, thinking that they're going to get a result and a behavior change, and it never happens. So that really leads us into your step five. It's the energize. When everyone gets their individualized roadmap, that's where the magic really happens. So now you've listened, you've understood there's, like, science behind this. You're going to get someone's attention. You've got enrollment and engagement by everyone in the family. So they're actually like, I want this. But what happens during the energized phase?

I think it's important if you Think back about what Ariel said you asked her. When did it start? It started with me. So when I get back to a little bit about what you were asking.

You're a terrible mom. Everyone knows that.

You're a terrible mom. Everyone knows that. And that's okay. I'm good. As Don Miguel says, I don't take things personally. Thank goodness I can do one of my agreements. But the thing with the individual roadmap, it's really important, and children have a different need, desire, whatever, than their parents do. And at the end of the day, I think what the roadmap does at this stage, it lets everybody be heard, which is so important. So if I show you my roadmap, if I showed it to Ariel or John, and then Ariel showed me, I got to look at hers. She's heard. That's the thing. Right. At the end of the day, nobody's heard. How's something going to change?

Yeah. Yeah.

So I think that's a. I like this stage the best. It sets out the plan.

Ariel, what do you have to say for yourself?

This is the stage where you really implement some of the strategies. For example, in our family, we talked about having a cell phone bucket at the dinner table. Before we could come to dinner, everybody's cell phones went in a bucket or got turned off, went in a bucket, and it was out of the room. And for an hour, you couldn't have your cell phone. So everybody was heard. We actually learned what everyone did that day.

Yeah. I would like a bucket that has cement in it for my son. Or epoxy. I can't. I can't. I'm so sorry, Zach. But anyway. Good. But what else do you have? Some other strategies that have been effective that you like to implement? And part of this is just, again, being resourceful, having ideas that you create buy in, and you see that this is not punishment, but it's actually a tool.

Right.

And that if you know what. That you're going to get your treasure, your prize at the end of the roadmap, and. And everyone else getting theirs doesn't take anything from you. It's a lot easier to get on the same page. Yeah, but any other strategies that you've used in the past? Because I know there was one we were talking about earlier, and it was the three wins. Right, the three wins. So talk a little bit about that, because that came from. Again, we'll have to give credit where credit is due at Dan Sullivan, but.

Talk about three wins.

Yeah.

So at the end of the day, what are the Three wins. What were the three great things that happened? And then what happens at the end of the day is that's what you remember. Right. So you go to sleep. That's what you remember.

There's another very similar technique. That's a great one. In the morning. We spoke a little bit about it, but to be clear, something positive about your child. And if there's an issue going on, don't address it in the morning. I did that. So what happens? My poor kids went to school with a knot in their stomach. Not fair. You know, the room is a mess. Okay. If you yell at them at 9am Is it going to make a difference at 5? They're not cleaning the room, I promise. They're going to school.

Yeah.

So take a, take a step back. But positive. So the whole day is positive. You know, you talk about Dan Sullivan and we always start with a positive focus. If we start with a positive focus in a meeting, why wouldn't we do a positive focus with our children in the morning?

Yeah.

Makes sense.

Yeah. Yep. No, it's. It's very easy to get into the, the trap of resentment and anger. And that's what drives us. All right, so that leads us to step six breakthroughs. And it's about feedback adjustments and, and you know, really there, there was little blur here, admittedly because we were just talking about that. But why don't you talk about how you define breakthroughs with step six breakthroughs.

Are talking about the changes and improvements that are being made in a positive light. And it's okay if sometimes things are. We need to make adjustments. For instance, the cell phone bucket that you mentioned having the cement. We didn't have cement. But when people didn't comply, they went in a locked drawer until the end of dinner.

Yeah.

So things like that, little changes, but also acknowledging all the positive and baby steps that are occurring.

Yep. And I know for you.

Dana, you had, I mean, dinners were really important for you, so you had the 24 hour lockdown. That's what it was. Right. Talk about that.

Okay, so it's funny how Ariel remembers this.

Sounds like sound like punishments. They're for your own good. They're for your good. It really does. Yeah. Go ahead.

So Ariel, it's funny how she remembers. I'll give you my perspective of what really happened because Ariel complied. Her brother, on the other hand, when one time it took. He didn't comply. Well, I pay the cell phone bill, so I shut the phone down for 24 hours. My attitude was if you can either spend you Have a choice. And again, I'm a big thing on that with children. My dad taught me that you have a choice. The consequence is this or this. His choice was you have to comply. And he would sneak. I have to go to the bathroom. One night, he had to go to the bathroom and happened to grab the phone out of the bucket and it was shut off for 24 hours. No argument. I just went and shut it off. It didn't have to be a discussion, which is important. He knew ahead of time. We talked about the consequence and poor guy lost his phone.

Oh, yeah. Well, and. But on the other hand, if you think about this like KPIs, this is where the little micro rewards kick in and you have a way to compare yesterday from today. This is again, I'm going to go back to a Dan Sullivanism. But, you know, you never penalize or punish yourself for your past. You're always creating a compelling future and celebrating the gain, not the gap. And you're just intuitively developed a system that naturally celebrates the gains. And that's one thing I really love about this. So, anything else about.

Breakthroughs before we go into the final step? Nope.

The final step's my favorite.

All right, go for it.

Okay.

What is the final step?

Celebrating.

All right.

You see a change.

And it's going to take time. It took you 30 years, me 15 years. I had a 12 and a 13 year old. And as I said, it took 15 years. It doesn't have to take 15 years, but it's also gonna take some time. So it's not only having patience and showing up, but then how great. When you think about. Let's. Let's go back to the beginning. What. What would you be celebrating a year from now or six months or three months from now? Think about how that feels. It's amazing. It's my favorite step ever. You're making progress. You wanted to have a family. You want these things. We all want to be great parents. We all want to be good kids. It's getting there. So how great is it when you get there? That's the greatest.

Right on. How about you, Ariel? What's your favorite part? And then again, I'm curious how you borrowed from your 10 year history as a therapist doing this work and what you see when you're working with families using this system.

Absolutely. I think my favorite step is also the celebrate step for the reason that you come up with that in the beginning. What do you want at the end? Is it a successful family trip where nobody's arguing and everyone's not on their phone the whole time. Is it going on a family type of activity once or twice a month? Whatever that is what you came up with in the beginning, then that's your end point too.

Yeah. Yeah.

So it's always great to accomplish things. We do the exact same thing in therapy. When you think about it, we look at what's we know, we imagine what we want it to be, which is how it's not how we want it to be. That's how we end up in therapy to begin with. And then we go through a long phase of figuring out how to get to that point in that journey, in that road. And sometimes you hit a flat tire, but then you get to the end. And how amazing is that to have. Be able to celebrate that common goal with your kids.

Yeah.

Because it's not just your accomplishment, it's all of your accomplishments.

Right, Right. Well, I know we've talked about this. It turns out that in two days we're doing a family vacation to Ireland. We've been doing this in development for a while. And when I just. As I'm listening to you talk, I wish I would have had your system earlier to create a different reinforcement system because Zach is going with us. But honestly, it was like pulling teeth because he would rather spend time with his friends, he would rather not. You know, like, he just wasn't excited about it. He got more excited. But it was, you know, it was. It almost feels more like a bribe than a, a combined mission between the three of us. Because Vivian and I are really, really, really on the same page. Like, there's. We never have had gaps. We've done a lot of work together, and we came to the this marriage fairly well prepared. Like, we had both done a lot of work like you, like you have. But these 20 years have not been easy, especially the last four with Zach. And he's just like in the past couple weeks made some huge progress. But again, looking back, I know these past three, four, five, six years, they would have been completely different if we would have had a structured system. And.

This is not therapy. This is.

A system really designed for that quick start entrepreneur that is driven. And for them, just getting off your game for a couple hours a day can be super destructive. Right. It's like every part of your life can get completely obliterated and ruined by the by little things. And family things are big things. So before we talk about some of the cool goodies that you put together and the giveaways, any other big ideas or Comments that you have about setting the goals, using the system, what kind of objections or conflicts that you've seen or heard from other people and how you respond and react to them. So this is sort of like, I'm just looking for any other big ideas that you want to share.

Objections for doing the program. Yeah, yeah.

Like people who are going to be like, I don't have the time. How am I getting my kids on board? Or I don't know if this is going to work for me. Like, what would you say to someone who says those kinds of things? Because, you know, you've got both the quarterly program, you've got, you know, the Quick Start program, which is getting together and it's one on one for a few days where you actually work with a whole family or with individuals. So there's. You match this up for really, again, fast acting, fast decision. People who don't like homework and don't want to get into, like, they don't want to make some one year commitment to this because they're not going to get everyone on the same page. Right, Right.

So.

If you thought about what Ariel said, We watched my mom in the beginning. So for my family, it had to be me. Right. So if the objection is my wife, my child. Well, Tamir back, as I started to change, not only did my family want to be part of it, the people I worked with wanted to be part of it. My clients couldn't wait to spend time with me. So if there's a resistance for couples, whoever the one that wants to do this, start, because you will change. And I'm telling you, there will be a ripple effect with children. They don't want to come on board. If the parents start to change, the children are going to want to change. Now, when I've worked with kids, one of the things I say to them is, okay, I get that your parents won't listen to you. Yeah, give me 20 minutes. Because I'm going to just 20 minutes. And I maybe throw in a $25Amazon gift card, which doesn't hurt. The kids love that. But for the $25Amazon gift card, you got to spend 20 minutes with me. And it's just they want to be heard, you know, and it's, hey, let me tell you about when I was a kid, my crazy mother. I get it. And do you feel good after this? Does it hurt your relationships with your friends? So I think what's important is somebody has to take responsibility.

Yeah.

And if everyone can be on board, heck, that's the greatest Thing ever.

Yeah.

You know, and entrepreneurs, we want to be a hero. Be a hero to your kid.

Yeah, for sure.

Or to your kids, either. You know, 1 to 10, you need to be a hero to them. That's your responsibility.

Yeah.

So, Arielle, I mean, from the kid perspective, in that you see your parents focusing so much on wanting to better their careers, but until you see them wanting to make an effort to have a better relationship with you and put effort into their family, the same effort that they put into their career, you got to show them first why would they buy in, and they don't see you doing the work.

So I think that was a huge step that you have to see the parents engage first.

Yeah.

For a lot of times, because that's what the kids see.

Totally.

They model what they see.

For sure. Yeah. I think that's 100% certain. And I know for Vivian and I, once we started to just say, you know what? We're not going to wait around anymore. Let's just take care of us and show our visible progress. And when he saw how well we're getting along, how good of a team we were, and these things like, your kid's not gonna come walk up to you and say, hey, I really appreciate the way you and mom are. You know, like, they're just not gonna. They don't even know what they don't know. And they don't know. Even though they intuitively are absorbing all this, it does take some visible action. And if they see a measurable improvement in how they're being treated, they're gonna be a hell of a lot more receptive to, hey, do you want to know why this is happening? And that's something that I've noticed with Zach lately. We've had some really deep conversations, and it's, again, why your message really resonated with me, why I wanted to do this interview with you, because I. I know for a fact that what you're doing, I haven't seen anything quite like it. I love the quick START approach. I love the high integration level with entrepreneurship and that mindset and getting everyone on the same page, because both of you are great representatives, and then your son, too, and what you've done with your marriage. Right now, you guys are really on the same page. You figured out how to navigate it, and you use these tools, and it's not about emotionally reacting. It's about using the science and then using your heart. And it's a lot easier to use your heart when you got great science behind it first.

Right. Right. And you know, it's the time thing.

Right.

You know, when someone says to me, it's two years. Really. I remember going to therapy with my children and for us it was a train wreck. You know, it was. Well, tell us about your past. I'm like, my past? What do you care about my past? No, no, no. These are the problems, now let's solve them. And so the therapy didn't work. Books, I don't know. Who has time to read books? I mean, I go away for three days. When I was at my train wreck point, I would have written a million dollar check to go away with someone for three days for my sanity. My sanity was at stake. And as you said, what does it affect? Everything. You know, how am I gonna make money? I'm an entrepreneur, I want to make money. Well, you know, if I'm not on my A game, I'm not making money. Mike.

Yeah.

I gotta be on my game.

Right on. Yep. And I think when we were putting together some of the content earlier today, we put in that check and I'm like, huh, I wonder what. Between the. What we've written out for kids, education, therapy, healthcare, oops's. Which are avoidable, dumb, expensive mistakes. I mean, it's an easy, easy, I'd say 600 grand. Okay.

Yeah.

Now I'm glad I invested in his education. It's probably more than that. Definitely more than that now I think about it. But. And that's not uncommon, you know, the cost to raise a child and to raise an expensive child, making disastrous but avoidable mistakes that affect your ability to earn and be your very best. I would say most.

Parents and adults would say, I'd stroke a check today for $50,000 to make these horrible things go away and see noticeable improvement. Get on the same page. And the worse your problems get, the more willing you are to write a bigger check to make those things go away.

Exactly.

All right, what's your comment on that one? I'm curious because again, you've lived.

You have a lot of very, very wealthy clients from the Upper east side and you've worked with huge generational wealth. You've seen the insane problems that some of these families deal with and endure.

Absolutely. And those a lot of these things are completely avoidable. At least 90% of them, I would say.

That's a lot. That's a lot.

These are the people I've worked with. They're avoidable communication and different issues and differences of doing things and differences of opinions that are easy. Really. There's with These techniques are really easy to solve, and I would say your 600,000 is being very generous when you think of the cost of private school on top of college if kids aren't even doing well.

Yeah.

So I would say. And you can't put a price on your relationship with your kids.

Yeah, yeah.

And how many years do you want it to get worse before it gets. The problems just get worse if you don't solve them.

Yeah, yeah.

And they end up in a train, a massive train wreck. I could have had a much better relationship with my mom for so many more years.

Yeah.

And I don't think you can put a price on that.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. Absolutely. Okay, so you've got some great goodies. I'm gonna. I'm gonna mention them first, and then I'll have you talk about them a little bit. So first of all, for you watching, listening, you can go to family harmony roadmap. Com. And there. There's some really, some great goodies and giveaways. One is there's a parent diagnostic. You can learn more about you, and it's just a fun, engaging system to learn more about your style, how you think, and it's like a scoring mechanism. The second is the Family Harmony and masterclass. If you've enjoyed learning about this, that's when we'll get even deeper with Dana and Ariel on the system and explore it a little bit further, and you'll see some more of the resources and tools. They have their celebration planning system, which is the tool they use to do a future paste or, you know, a compelling human future exercise. So what do you really want for you? What do you want for your kids? You'll actually get access to that resource. And finally, right now, because you're listening to this, I convinced Dana to actually do a advisory session with you so you can actually get on, talk to her and describe your. Your challenge. Normally, she charges $1,000 for this, but you have it because you're a listener of capability amplifier or a watcher of it. So anything you want to add about the tools and resources and what you put together here, because they're very, very clever.

The parent diagnostic is awesome. It's fun.

Yeah. And it's funny.

It's fun and it's funny, you know, and the planning system, you know, everybody wants to plan. Right? You know, we're.

Give me a map, give me a.

Map, Give me a map, Give me a map. And it'll show you how easy the process is. And we really do Everything for you.

Good.

That's what we do.

Yeah. It's fun. All right.

Yeah. I mean, I. I would say that celebration planning system is my favorite too. The parent diagnostic quiz. Very entertaining. You can take it with your kids, too. I. And see how their answers compare as well. I think that's a fun exercise. But the celebration tool, it's really where we all want to be. Who wouldn't want to map that out?

Yeah. Yep.

Notice how she didn't say advisory session with her mother.

Yeah, exactly.

Just saying.

Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah.

The advisor.

The telephone terrorist.

Silence.

Jonathan's gonna love this episode. This is gonna be like, I shouldn't have said that. My poor mother. All right. Oh, well. Anything else that you want to add before we wrap this episode up?

Thanks, Mike. I just, I think what we're doing is fun and, you know, you just gotta take it lightheartedly. And how great is it if you have an amazing family? I mean, I'm blessed if my children aren't the answer. And I guess you've spent some time with me. I'm a little nuts. If I can do this.

A little. Just the right amount. Just the right amount is what I say.

Anyone can do this. And again, it doesn't have to be 15 years. I'm a little stubborn. I know that's hard to believe. I'm the show me. I don't believe person. But again, if I can do this and I can make the change and look at where I was. Wow. Anybody can do this.

Yeah. Well, I think you are very, very motivated and a lot of good motivation. And when you look in the mirror and you're like my mom, that's like a sledgehammer right in the face. So. All right, well, I will say you guys have been an absolute delight. And for you watching, listening, make sure you head on over right now to familyharmonyroadmap.com there you'll get the goodies. Sign up. Get all these. Sign up to talk to Dana. As you can tell, she is an absolute blast to hang out with. She passed the Vivian test. My wife loves her and she's really felt close right away. And Ariel's very, very, very bright, very insightful. She knows these tools. She knows how to put things together, and they really do make for a dynamic duo. And if you ever get a chance to work with them, do it. You will have a fantastic time. And what I can assure you is your kids are going to thank you for it, your spouse is going to thank you for it, and you're going to thank yourself for making a commitment and decision to change your life and improve it too. So you two are a blast. Thanks for being here again.

Thanks, Mike, so much for having us.

Yeah. Let's say goodbye to everyone. Thanks for watching, thanks for listening. We'll see you in the next episode of Capability Amplifier. Bye. Bye.