11: How Not to Be a Bridezilla

I'm recording this episode during the weeks leading up to the holiday season in anticipation for the number of proposals and engagements that have inevitably happened by now. Did you know that the top engagement day is Christmas Day, making December the top engagement month. If you are newly engaged, congratulations. Mazel tov. If you are a mother, the bride or groom or father, congratulations to you as well. It's such a happy time, the engagement, but then it gets complicated. Let's have a chat, shall we? Hello and welcome to the Confident Communications Podcast. I am your host, Mary Molly McPherson. I don't know if you're like me, but you may have seen several news stories lately about bridezillas popping up all over the Internet. Most of these stories originate on websites such as Reddit for your listening pleasure. She asked 16 girls to be bridesmaids in the year and a half between the engagement and wedding. All but six dropped out. Three were her sisters. She wanted 16 separate shades of blue and 16 different styles of dresses for each bridemaid and then threw a fit when the store didn't have that many options. Ugh. Most people would agree that weddings are a very special time. Most people love going to weddings and thoroughly enjoy themselves at the reception. But it's the road to the wedding that can get bumpy for brides and their parents. Wedding planning is not easy to navigate, but what is the key to planning the perfect wedding? I know I would have given my eye teeth for Pinterest back when I was married. Social media I think would make everything so much easier to plan. Today's episode primarily focuses on those critical relationships that happen during the engagement and leading up to the wedding. Yes, the family is very important, but also the vendors. According to Wedding Wire, brides on average hire 13 vendors for their weddings, coming in first at 86%. No surprise. The photographers 80% the venue. The third spot at 75% belongs to the category of Today's Guest Hair and Makeup with me on the podcast this week is my go to for all things Wedding. Lena Hartford is the owner and operator of Hair that Moves and she is one of the top bridal hairstyles and makeup artists in all of New England. She's highly sought after and understands and accommodates the social bride, meaning the social media bride. An hour with Lena is like reading Martha Stewart Weddings cover to cover, but with a behind the scenes twist. Lena is my personal hairstylist, but she is a life changer for many brides and for me because Lena comes to my home to do my hair so she makes me feel like A bride every day. And every woman needs a woman like this in her life. She cuts my family hair, but the bonus is that she tells me all the latest trends and stories about weddings. She gives me such great stories, it's like having a reality show in my kitchen when she's doing my hair. Now she does follow the Hippocratic oath of hairstylists. I'm sure there is one. I don't know what it's called, but there is one where they do not name drop or expose too much private information. She is far too smooth and far too serious about her business to do that. So she does not reveal any names of brides or any incriminating information. And she's not a name dropper. But she has co mingled with many, many fancy folks who come to coastal Maine, the seacoast, Boston and Cape Cod for weddings. She is high, high end, but comes down to my level to do my hair and talk to me about all things wedding. Whether you are a millennial bride, a second time bride, a future groom bride, parents or parents in law to be, do I promise you you will find her information informative? I do. Hello, Lena.

Hello, how are you?

I'm wonderful now because I am post cut and color by you. So now I feel that I look ready for the holidays even if I'm not.

That's okay. What? Fake it till you make it.

Fake it till you make it. I love that attitude. Now Lena, I. I'm bringing you on the podcast and you were one of the first people I thought of to bring onto the podcast because you dropped so many great knowledge bombs on me, centering around the idea of weddings. But before we get there, could you tell my listeners a little bit about your business?

Sure. I started my business about 15 years ago, traveling on location, trying to help ease the burden of busy families and moms to have great, wonderful salon services in their home.

Now I thought you did weddings first. So you did the home service.

I did the home service first. And with that started the ease of traveling around New England for weddings.

Okay, so that was just the natural progression where you, where you went to the weddings.

Yes.

And I have to applaud you on this. And you are a very humble stylist because you wouldn't say this about yourself, but you style, you do hair and makeup for really upscale weddings, like Martha Stewart level weddings. Correct, Correct.

And I feel that that has been kind of a work in progress and just kind of evolved into that.

I feel as if I've already dated myself because do brides even know who Martha Stewart is anymore.

They do. Martha Stewart magazine is still printed.

Is that still the bible or is there now a new bible?

The knot is also very.

The online.

The online. And Knott still has publications, but online resources are probably the go to.

Okay.

On the wedding world, but I do.

Bring up Martha Stewart because your work has been in the pages of Martha Stewart Weddings.

Yes, it has.

You've seen your hair and your makeup and some of your clients there, which I found super exciting. But tell me a little bit about your business for. For the weddings. I did mention in the introduction that I think clearly that you are based on who hires you. You are a premier stylist for New England coastal weddings, but also Boston and Cape Cod weddings.

Sure.

Well, how do people find you?

Most of my wedding business is from referrals, whether it be a photographer, a wedding planner, a makeup artist, and of course, over the years, reputation and my online presence.

Yes, because that's another thing that I love about you. You love using online marketing, or I should say, you believe you're a believer.

I am a believer.

And you see the power of it.

Yes.

And would you say that brides nowadays, out of all the social networks, which one is network? Social network number one that all the brides are driving to in the bridal world?

I would say Instagram.

Instagram. Okay. And what is the top hashtag for weddings right now that every bride would use?

It's hard to say. I. I haven't researched this week. It changes so quickly.

Does it?

I would say maybe bride goals or bride goals, maybe.

That sounds so millennial. Oh, my goodness. Okay, so let's take one step back and the reason why I have scheduled you at this time, your. This podcast is airing in January and it is post Christmas, post holiday, post Hanukkah, post New Year's engagements. I assume there's going to be a lot of.

A lot of them happening.

Now. Will you start getting calls right away and not calls. Not phone calls. Millennials don't make phone calls. They send texts and emails.

Emails. Yes. Emails are already happening for last year's engagements or summer engagements, but usually they're contacting me about eight to 12 months out. The engagements that are happening this holiday probably will start coming in about four to five months from now.

Four to five months now. Okay. So now all of our brides that are brides to be, they're engaged, they have the great diamond now. They're super excited. And it's been so many years since I've done this. Like, I can't even imagine what a social media wedding would be like. But tell me this now. Think about the demeanor of someone engaged. Now, I know that you're at the back end of the relationship. You're not really right in the beginning, but do you notice, like, some type of demeanor, behavior, communication, style that works best for a bride to be at this point, like, right after they're engaged?

Right after they're engaged, I think the excitement takes over and they reach out to all the people, as many people as they can. And for me personally, the demeanor that I think is most effective are the brides who are really open about why they're contacting me. I'm reaching out for information. I'm not ready to make a commitment, but I want to gather my information. They're open, they're honest, they're very clear about where they are in their process.

And they're not too stressed yet, right? They're not bride silly yet.

No, they're really just collecting their information.

Now let's move from the engagement as we get closer to the wedding. Now, your ideal customer, if you are a bride and that's just contacting you for the first time, what makes the ideal bridal customer for you? What are their actions?

Their actions are my ideal bride has already seen my work. They know exactly what I do and where most commonly mentioned Instagram.

Okay, that. That's good research for you.

Yes.

All right.

So my Instagram marketing is. Is seen. They've mentioned my work. They've seen my work. They have attended a wedding where I already have worked. You know, I've already done work at a wedding they've attended. They've been recommended by a friend who's already used me.

Do they ever mention your website? Do you think millennials go to websites anymore?

I think sometimes they click through, but from a different platform.

Oh, that. They're coming from Instagram.

They're coming from Instagram or Facebook or something else. Yes.

Do you check those metrics?

I do sometimes. Not on a regular.

Okay, that's interesting. Okay, so now they're in contact with you. They found you through referral, through Instagram, through social media. Now, your best customer. And even if you can picture her in your mind when she is communicating with you and she's starting that vendor relationship, what makes the best customer at this point?

She knows what she needs. She knows that she has eight bridesmaids. She knows what time her wedding is. She knows what she needs from me, you know, and really is just looking for an estimate on that service.

Okay, so she's, she's organized and she gets straight to the point. She knows what she's want. She's not disorganized and all over the place. Now let's flip it. You are, I can tell you're a very good vendor to deal with. And would you say that most stylists, the hair and makeup, they're similar to you in terms of how they communicate with the customer?

Probably not. I think I have found a lot of creatives in general are really great at their craft, but not always great at the business part of our job, which is communicating with brides in a timely manner.

Now, I know you and you would never, ever, ever name names, but if we were to name categories at the top of the list that you think the most challenged vendor would be as it relates to relating to a bride or a bride's family, who would be at the top? Like just rank them.

For me, this is of course as hearsay, not personal experience. I have heard brides talk about DJs being complicated DJs.

Why? Because they're all young.

Either because they're young or they're great at their craft, working all night long and don't always answer emails.

Oh, so if you were to email them, email them at 3am Maybe, maybe.

That would help when they're awake. Florists sometimes can be that way. Cake decorators, again, people who.

Why florist, you think? Because a florist to me is a business owner. So they have to run a business and sometimes they're running a brick and mortar.

Right.

Is it because they're so busy or just so creative?

I think it's both. I think running a business is not easy and some people just don't realize that it's not just making flowers. There's so much more to do that the hair and makeup industry is also a challenge. Some people just don't do the business part of this well. So it's important for me to make sure I can do that well.

And you are, you do focus a lot of. You spend a lot of time on. Well, you spend a lot of time on research. You spend a lot of time on that customer onboarding experience. Yes, I'd say you're at the top of that list. Now who also is at the top of the list? Who on the other hand, vendor wise, is usually pretty good to deal with for a bride?

I would say probably photographers. They do a lot of the, a lot of the day of coordination and planning. They oftentimes have met with a couple more than Once before the wedding, they have a relationship. A wedding planner is also, of course, top of that list.

Yes.

A venue coordinator, sales director, whatever the person is you're dealing with really do lead kind of most of these organizational things.

Because I would think too, once you get into a hotel, it's their job. It is, you know, so they're used to it. And I think this is the point in the interview where I should add, and I don't know if I've done it yet, is that we are in a salon. And so you're going to hear the. The noises you would normally are typically hear in a salon. But we don't have any weddings here because it's a few days before the holidays and. But you have a wedding coming up.

I do, tomorrow morning. Yes.

And we talked at length. Is that a great day to have a wedding or a not so great day?

I think it can be either way, but it's what the bride and groom want and that's what they planned.

So, yeah, I think we concluded that depends on how old you are. If you were 27 years old and you were dating, you didn't have kids, it would be the best day ever to go to a wedding.

Yes.

But if you were a mother that I don't know who hasn't gone shopping.

Yet, you won't need names there.

All right, so back to this, the vendor perspective. How could a. How can a bride then be a great customer throughout that entire relationship? Like, if she's juggling all the vendors, can you tell a bride, even though she's dealing one on one with you, what are some of the tools that they use or what type of organization? In my day, it was the binder. Everybody had a binder that.

The binder still exists.

The binder still exists. No kidding. Like with laminated pages? Yep.

Some people still have, like, sleeves. Yeah, page sleeves. Some people.

Oh, because they're tearing out the magazine still. Because the magazine industry is still strong.

They have contracts printed out and they have some. Some are labeled by month what they need to do. I think that planning a wedding is overwhelming. And so I like to try to touch base with brides as a reminder or a check in because I think it's a lot for them to organize. So I touch base with them and say, hey, let's get something scheduled. Or are you gonna be in the area? Let's do, you know, let's meet up. Or your final payments due within the next month. How can I help you organize that? So they. I think brides do A great job of organizing, obviously, with all of our technology and schedules and plans. But have you seen a techie bride.

Like, come in without the binder, but they have something online? Like, do they walk in with a laptop? And everything is.

In my field, I see a lot of Pinterest.

Oh, gosh, of course.

But I don't see a lot of, like, online scheduling. And they may have it. I just don't. They don't whip it out.

Whipped it out for you. Does. Is Pinterest. Does it make you insane or does it help your job immensely?

I like Pinterest because it's a great tool for conversation.

Starting point.

Starting point. It gives me an image. They know that I see the image. It can be a great tool. Yes.

Okay, now let's go from the ideal bride to Bridezilla. At this point, you're dealing with the bride. And not that any of your customers would be this way, of course, but you know that you're dealing with a. We're not going to call her bridezilla. We're going to call her just a more challenging bride. Sure. What marks a challenging bride?

I find in this day and age that everybody has a pretty intense job, that they work a lot of hours, and often wedding planning gets put onto the back burner. And so they're constantly backpedaling. So everything is urgent and they need things done immediately and. Or have forgotten or haven't scheduled something.

Sounds like me if I were a bride. Getting married right now sounds a little too familiar.

So some of. Again, not anything is wrong with that. It's just they're constantly in angst to, you know, get it done or achieve something that they should have done three months ago.

Okay. So maybe this idea of the challenge. Bridezilla bride is really at heart the unorganized bride, the overwhelmed bride.

Overwhelmed bride. I think that's.

There's no system in place where.

Right. Or the system that they thought they had went awry and they're backpedaling for whatever reason.

Okay. Now, do you notice the mother at this point? How about the relationship with the bride and the mother?

The mother, yes.

Just tell me about the mother for a moment.

Sometimes the wedding is planned around what the mother may want versus what the bride may want. Why? Maybe it's because they didn't have the wedding they wanted. Or maybe it's that they're planning a wedding for their friends that they have attended so many weddings that they want to have the next best wedding.

Now, this is a very essential part of the. Of the or. I'll say pivotal part of the wedding that I notice when you and I talk about it is when it goes south. It seems to go south when the bridal's expectations and the mother's expectations are not in alignment and there is some type of either miscue or explosion from there. Would you say that it's just different expectations of a wedding?

Yes, because of course, you know, moms import the importance that moms sister's friend is attending is not what is important to the bride. And of course that happens.

The formula of the parents are paying for the wedding. Therefore it's our party and we want to invite all our friends and have our friends have fun. Yet the bride looks at it as her day and she wants her friends to have fun.

And then you're right and the importance are just different levels. Like you know, we want to have fun and drink champagne and mom doesn't want that to happen. And so this just different level of what's important, you know, what's important to who.

Now have you noticed a bride that has been able to overcome this or did something very unique or nuanced that smoothed everything over either from a bride or a mother who overcame this challenge and was able to have a wedding that suited both of them?

I have seen both. I have seen brides who decide that they just need to let whatever the problem is go and enjoy the day. I've also seen moms who say, you know, it's obviously not going to be about me so I'm just going to let this go and let her enjoy her day.

So someone, you're saying in that relationship has to let it go.

And if they don't, there is usually an explosion.

Okay. So it's up to someone to say, I'm not going to let this bother me. I'm going to let this person have the day that they want. Is it usually the bride or the mom that does that?

I say usually the bride.

The bride. Oh, that's so interesting. What are the craziest demands that you have ever heard from a bride or a bride's family?

I would say probably please don't make my stepmom look prettier than my mom.

That happens.

That does happen. What do you do a lot? I would say most of the angst and complications around a wedding day at least the getting ready process is based on family dynamic. A lot of divorced families and you know, everyone's getting ready at a different time, different location, whatever.

Oh, and so there's a breakdown in communication between we have One, both sides of the family. And then if you have one side of the family, there are two sides to that one family. Now, you can't sabotage the stepmother's hair or something. So what, how do you manage that?

So I really try hard to create, clarify some of these things before the wedding day because it's good for me to kind of plan that way.

Yeah.

I just try to take it since I try to be really sensitive to the bride and her request. But of course, I would never sabotage someone else's look because they also need to look pretty and feel pretty that day.

Of course. And you don't want that on you.

No.

Oh, my gosh. But you're. No one should ever think that someone that just does hair and makeup is not doing a very valuable and important job. I mean, really, you juggle so much.

There is a lot involved. People obviously don't have any idea about what happens on a wedding day.

You like, part stylist, part psychologist, sometimes part wedding planner, part everything. All right, how about the role of the groom? Let's talk about the other side for a moment.

The role of the groom can be really interesting. Some grooms are super involved and plan everything along with the bride and other bra, you know, and then of course, all the way up to grooms who literally show up and put clothes on.

But would you say the groom is mostly not the problem, it's the dynamic with the females?

Maybe it's the dynamic. Well, sometimes the in laws can be also a dynamic that's quite challenging.

Okay.

Yes.

And what would an in law like, for example? Can you give us an example?

Sometimes the sisters of the groom may or may not find this day to be very important to them and not the bride. So the attention is often taken away from the bride. And those sisters really want to have a lot of attention, which is a challenge.

Okay.

Sometimes the mother of the groom, you know, and of course emotions take over. They're feeling like their son or brother are being taken away. And I try hard to make them feel important, but also turn the attention back onto the bride because it is their day.

Yes. Now back to the bride. What is the one thing based on your experience that you should never say to a bride when she's getting married? Have you ever heard someone say or do something, whether it's a member of the bridal party, the mother, the bride, the mother in law, where they had said something and you saw the bride, you saw her face just turn or the mood in the room, or all the air sucked out of the Room.

Actually, this summer I had a bride had a dress that she loved and picked out, and the mother of the groom said, is that your slip?

No.

Yes.

While she was getting ready.

Yeah. And so she, the bride, of course, instantly thought, oh, my God, she hates my dress. So, you know, sometimes the expectation, you just really don't know. I've also seen a groom say to the bride during first look, that's not what I imagined you were going to wear. So sometimes I think, yeah. People spend so much time and energy picking out what they think is their perfect look, and people just don't either A, expect it or B, like it. And they say it.

Did the slip dress look like a slip? No, it didn't. It was beautiful.

No, it was beautiful. It was an underlay, like a nude underlay.

It was nude.

Nude underlay with a, like a lacy top. So it's. Yeah, it's like the illusion trend.

I'm thinking, am I of the age that I would walk in and think it looks like a slip? Would I be the mother in law?

No, I think it had enough texture and. Like, substance that I think you would know the difference.

Oh, okay. And is this a trend right now? You said this is on trend right now for weddings.

Yes. There's lots of illusion fabric happening.

Okay. And one other question. When you just mentioned trend, is there any trend as it relates to communication or social media or just the relationship between the bride and the vendor? Are you noticing any different type of trend in terms of how people communicate around weddings? Now think about, like, I know once you had mentioned it, they have group texts, they have, like, what's, what's the big buzzy thing to do in terms of how people connect with each other during a wedding?

I would say bridal parties are on group chats, you know, sharing photo albums together. There's, you know, one big conglomerate of that communication. I would say since I've been in this industry, the phone calls are at a very minimal. Every one thing is email. Not so much text, but definitely email or messaging. Most people do not have time for phone calls.

No, I can understand this.

I do suffer sometimes because I wonder if people realize there's a person behind my email. And sometimes they do like to have a conversation, but often.

Wait, explain that when you said that.

You know, when you communicate with somebody over email, like regularly, sometimes it's weird to, you know, you're hiring someone sight unseen, you have no idea who they are except for the person behind the email. So sometimes I find it. Sometimes I offer brides to have a conversation, to hear my voice behind the email.

Oh, okay.

Some brides love that other brides don't have time.

And some brides would say, what a phone call?

Yes. I don't want to do that.

Do they ever say, what is that? No, I shouldn't say that. Now we're another category. We're talking about brides and grooms. But I feel based on the experience of conversations we had that the bride and bride weddings go pretty smoothly.

Yes.

As do the groom and group. But you probably don't do as many grooming.

Sometimes I do groom weddings, but it's for the bridal party. Moms, sisters.

Oh, of course.

Friends. Yes.

Okay. Now, is there just a general vibe that's different when it's a same sex wedding?

The vibe I usually get out of that is that everyone is so excited to celebrate a couple in love.

Oh, and that's probably of the time, right?

It is. And I obviously don't understand why bride and groom wedding would not be the same, but the feeling is a little bit different.

Isn't that interesting? Why is that? We're not going to be able to solve this in that podcast, but there's a research paper to be had. There is. Why is the dynamic so different? But I suppose in a same sex marriage, because now that it's becoming legal.

Sure.

That people are just so happy that. That two people can celebrate together.

Right.

Legally. Our last question. And I would like you to tell me your ideal bride, your ideal mother of the bride, how are they working with you? How are they, what are they doing? That doesn't work well with you or any vendor. If you were representing all wedding vendors, who's your ideal bride? Your ideal mother in law or mother, I should say mother of the bride and you're not so ideal.

My ideal bride would be someone who has clear expectations, great communication and is open to working together. Whether. Whether that be mean talking on the phone, having trials in person, giving me some clear expectations for the day of their. Their day of the wedding.

How about the day of the wedding when they're sitting there? Do you know the minute that you sit down with them that they're going to be easy or they might be a little more difficult?

Sometimes I do and I really try hard to work with people to give them a guideline. I do this so often that I usually know what's going to happen before they do.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God, you're such a pro. How if someone, I know this comes up a lot where someone, a bride will say this is not what I expected. And you see that panic set in and they want to change it.

Sure.

And you've given. You are such a cool customer. How could a bride. If just from a vendor point of view, what could the bride say to you? If a bride is hearing this podcast, how could she speak to someone like a stylist and tell them, I need an adjustment here? How are you talking them off the ledge?

The hardest part is finding words to explain to me exactly what's wrong. A lot of times they can't figure that out.

Really.

Just try to work through it with communication, you know, not to worry. We can totally fix this.

Because you're not insulted.

No, I'm not.

It's just someone needs an adjustment. It's not a mistake.

I think most. Most creative vendors feel the same way. You know, this isn't exactly the white flower that I was thinking. Is there another white flower we could use? I think if you can just find the words to explain the problem, most people are happy to fix it.

Oh, good. I. That's excellent. Point of view from the vendor. Now let's go to the other side of that. Your. We'll call it, for lack of word, a bridezilla. Is there a term bridezilla for a mother of a bride? Modzilla, maybe Mozilla. I guess that's the Internet. What would be the. What would be an example of just that nightmare bride, like, day of the wedding. How do you know? Like, when you walk into the room, you can smell it, like, oh, this is going to be ugly.

They're usually frantic. And there seems to be a problem with somebody in the room, whether it be a bridesmaid or a sister or somebody. I try really hard to either separate. You know, if the mother of the bride is obviously a problem, I try to separate her, bring her out of the room, chat with her in private. Chat with a bridesmaid in private to see what it is I can do to kind of solve the angst.

So you're not just doing hair, you're not just doing makeup.

You're doing therapy in a way, I guess I don't always think about it.

Like that, but yes, but, yes, you are. Okay, now, since this is airing in 2019, we're kicking off the year. Do you happen to know now what is the big wedding trend for 2019? What is on every engaged bride's Pinterest board? Is there any. Anything that's changed?

I don't know if anything's changed. Still, 2019 weddings will be the event of the year. Everyone wants their event to be the best of the year.

Has that ever changed?

I don't know.

I don't know. It's a good one. Lena, thank you so much for, well, for doing my hair, for giving me my holiday hair. And I will add that we're at the salon because you have, you're in a little bit of a knee brace that's coming off soon. That's not going to affect any of your weddings. You're going to be up and running soon.

Couple weeks.

Yes, couple weeks. But thank you so much, Lena, for today.

Thanks for having me.

Oh, this was fun. Thank you, Lena, for all your great advice and for my great haircut and color as well. I hope you enjoyed listening to today's episode, but more important, I hope you found it helpful. If you are in the process of planning a wedding or someone close to you is planning a wedding, you can comment on my website@mollymcpherson.com if you have any comments about today's podcast and look for episode number 11 under the podcast section. Or write to me on social media. You can find me on Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram and Facebook. Before I let you go, don't forget to subscribe to this podcast on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcast. Thanks again for tuning in. I look forward to chatting with you next week. I do. I really do. Sam.