111: How to Respond to a Grieving Friend

Ken never came across a piece of wedding cake he didn't like. That was the first line of an obituary I was asked to help write last week by a dear friend whose husband had died only days earlier. It was an epic first line in a story that she wove together about their beautiful lives from the time they met in college through 42 years of marriage, which led to our conversation about death. Given the record number of people dying every day in our country, I found myself unexpectedly in a place that so many other people did not expect to find themselves in either. A place to try and find the right words at the right time. When a person dies, Perhaps unexpectedly in 2020, what can you do to help a person who is grieving, especially during a pandemic that prevents mourners from being surrounded by their loved ones? No hugs, no touches, no comfort from face to face interaction. Much of the support has to come from the other end of a phone call or an update on Facebook or CaringBridge. What are the right words to use to write? I didn't know, but my dear friend, just days after she lost her husband, was kind enough to tell me, which means I can now share them with with you this episode is a departure. It's dark, the content and the timing, but it is about what I do, what I help people do, that is how to respond. Especially when they don't have the faintest idea how, because response is always a human reaction. This has been a terrible two weeks. So much death. Recently the US recorded its highest daily COVID death toll ever, with over 2,800 people dying of the virus. On December 1st of this year, the CDC data shows fatalities could be as high as 345,000 people. The bereaved struggle with many intense and painful emotions, including depression, anger, perhaps guilt, but certainly deep sadness. Add an unexpected death in the equation. Add a death due to COVID 19. Add a person who now has to grieve from a phone line or standing outside a window of a hospital or a long term care facility. Grieving people feel isolated and alone in their grief in normal times, but grief in now. The new normal the new normal of the pandemic amplifies grief because people are now dealing with loss. They have to suffer the intense pain and the difficult emotions during a quarantine, which often means they're alone. It makes a situation for people who want to support a friend even more uncomfortable, even more confusing for how they can help. This episode is for the person who may be afraid of intruding on someone who is dealing with a death or saying the wrong thing or make your friend or loved one feel even worse because you said or did something that you meant as a show of support but caused even more pain because you made it worse. You put your foot in your mouth. Since death now is so widespread and omnipresent, I know there is someone who will be helped by the advice of my friend thanks to her willingness to share in the midst of her grief. And I can share with you the acts of kindness people can do for loved ones and cherished friends experiencing a death, especially in the days immediately following that death. If you know someone grieving a loss, listen to find out how you can help really help a bereaved friend As I mentioned, this episode started as a request to help write an obituary. First, my friend needed inspiration, so I sent her a New York Times article about how to write an obituary for the Times, the times of social media and sharing stories. The truth is, she didn't need any of my help. She's a skilled writer who has the gift of storytelling. All she needed from me was a fresh set of eyes not weary from sorrow and grief. To look at her words and to make sure they passed the AP style book muster, she composed a beautiful story about their life together, how they met when they married, and the richness that followed the type of obituary Mary anyone would want written about them. When I heard her husband died the day before, all I could do was send a text and tell her that I was thinking of her. Do you ever feel like when you hear of someone who's going through a death, their life is disrupted by illness or a sudden death? A phone call suddenly seems so intrusive. No one calls today anyway. It's all in text, yet it seems so impersonal. So I was grateful that my friend asked for help. She asked me if I would be willing to help her with an obituary, help her write it. She was telling me how I could help her. Oftentimes people going through grief turn away from help because they don't want to be a burden. Here now some gentle suggestions for how you can help a friend who is grieving. Plus, one thing my friend added that I see all the time and I had no idea how it was truly received by the family of a loved one. I'm not sure if I ever did this, but now I know I will never, ever do it. Once she told me how she feels about it. Promise me when I say you'll want to know the one thing you should never, never send to a friend or A loved one grieving. But first, the acts of kindness. One offer to help in a practical way by anticipating their needs. My friend shared with me the acts of kindness that stood out to her were the acts that actually helped. Opposed to people assuming they were helpful. Here's what I mean. First off, my friend said all of her friends wanted to help. So many of them called her, wrote to her, stop by her her house, telling her they wanted to help. She was and continues to be so grateful for their kindness. And she said she will never forget each act of kindness from her friends. But the gestures that stood out the most to her, the ones that truly made a difference to ease her grieving, were the friends who anticipated her needs. For example, she said, never tell a grieving friend to call if they need anything because they'll never call because they don't want to be a burden. My friend's husband was supported with palliative care at a hospice facility in the weeks before his death, a death that was not due to Covid. But the restrictions due to social distancing and the quarantine certainly factored into the complications. So she was experiencing the grieving process the same as many people going through a death related to Covid. She was the sole point of contact for everything. There was so much she had to navigate on her own. People in mourning or managing life when someone is actively dying need people to fill the gaps from their normal day to day life like this. When she was spending all her waking hours at hospice with her husband, she said one of the kindest things a friend did for her was ask, can I come over to help? Each night my friend had to come home alone to a house without her husband and just collapse into bed from exhaustion. One night, she said her friend came over and changed the sheets. Fresh linens. That was an amazing gift. At the moment, she appreciated it most. These are the unexpected acts of kindness where someone anticipates precisely what you need at the moment you need it when you don't even know that you need it. Acts nowadays that allow for social distancing. Helping a person with laundry, loading or emptying their dishwasher, cleaning their dishes, taking over some of the simple duties like picking up someone from school or the airport, picking up their medicine, going to the grocery store, bringing their favorite coffee without asking if they even want a cup, sorting their mail, offer to help manage or coordinate bills or phone calls if someone dies at home. With so many beds filled at hospitals nowadays, it's not uncommon to have a person die in the home if that happens to a friend of yours, ask them, can I help you get your house back in order? Or you can tell them, when do you want me to come over and clean? Just go to their house, wear a mask, grab a bucket. Grab Mr. Clean and Clean. If they are private people, tell them you'll just clean the bathrooms or pick up around the kitchen. You'll be in and out. And if someone is more private than typical, you might want to ask them if you want to hire a housekeeper who can just come in and quickly pick up around them or just clean the house without any type of intrusion. Also, another helpful tip mentioned by my friend offer to drive people places. Even if your friend is young and perfectly capable of driving themselves anywhere, by offering to drive means you are eliminating a crucial task when having to drive somewhere. Thinking My friend mentioned too that her friends weren't just helping her after her husband's death. It was while she was visiting hospice. They would drive her there and then tell her, tell us when you need to be picked up. It was just the gesture of one thing less that she had to think about that was so important to her. The same applied to the funeral home. I believe it was the same friend who did this for my dear friend. She didn't want to go to the funeral home alone, but she didn't want to mention it to anyone. And of course she could drive there on her own. But now it was removing the burden of having to navigate it on her own. And she also said when you have to go to a funeral home to pick up cremated remains, especially during a quarantine, it's tough enough to do this process anyway. But now you have the additional challenge of navigating this all on your own. Do you have a mask? Where are you supposed to show up? How long can you be in this entryway? How long is it going to take? Driving someone eliminates one huge part of that entire task, so be the friend who offers to drive. You may consider it to be something that's too intrusive, but you won't know that until you ask, because you may be giving them the greatest comfort of them all. The gift of your presence. If any of you have gone through a death of a loved one, you know the elements of planning a funeral or a memorial helps you through the grief, meeting with the funeral director and then attending the wait, clasping the hands and hugging an afternoon's worth of people, and then the exhaustion on the night before the funeral, and then the uplifting feeling when it ends. Whether you continue your Irish funeral at a pub or sit Shiva. The healing comes from the ritual, and these rituals often involve people. The disruption of the pandemic has also disrupted the grieving process. People now are mourning alone. So it helps to have people fill in the gaps with support where they can. So remember, anticipate the needs of your grieving friend, and that will be the greatest support of them all. Second, what to bring a grieving friend. Now, this is the point where my friend, when we were speaking on the phone, made me laugh. We were discussing food trains where one person organizes a food drop at the house of the bereaved so they do not have to cook, which, again, she thought was such a considerate gesture that someone had set this up for her. She had days of food lined up. There was a cooler outside her door. She didn't even have to go to the door if she didn't want to. But when she was telling me about it, she said, you know, Molly, I sound so ungrateful, but it's just too much food. I have so much food in my house. And she's like, me can be a picky eater. So she was saying that she picks out bits of food because there's certain types of food that she. That she doesn't like to eat. She also said that she was eating a tater tot casserole for the first time in her life. And as a Minnesotan, I thought that was so odd for the decades that she's lived in the state, that this was her first tater tot casserole. But you get the gist. One of the food items that was sent to her was her favorite, which was rice pudding. And the person in charge of the food train told people that was her favorite food. But what happened is she said she was eating rice pudding three times a day. So here's where it's funny. She said it was like the Everybody Loves Raymond episode when Ray gets his parents a membership to the Fruit of the Month Club. She was asking if I remembered the scene.

Did you know you sent me a box of pears?

Yeah, yeah.

From a place called Fruit of the Month.

That's right. That's right. How are they?

Oh, they're very nice pears, but there's so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?

Well, I think you're supposed to eat them.

Huh.

Myself, you, you and dad and Robert.

How many pears can Robert eat? Look, I appreciate the thought, Raymond, but please don't ever send Us any more food again. Okay.

Well, it was so funny recalling that episode. And it's so similar because she said she has so much food in her home and she doesn't have anyone else in the house to eat it. So it was just like the pears.

Well, another box is coming next month.

What? More pears?

No, no. It's a different fruit every month.

Every month?

Yes, yes. That's why they call it Fruit of the Month Club.

It's a club.

Oh, my God.

What do I do with all this fruit?

Well, most people like it, Ma. You share it. Share it with all your friends.

Which friends?

I don't know. Lee and Stan.

Lee and Stan by their own fruit.

Why did you throw this?

My damn dog is doing fruit in the house.

It was hysterical, laughing about all the food. So, food trains, typically they're organized when the primary chef can no longer keep up with the demand of feeding dependence, usually kids due to disruptions like a surgery or an illness or, yes, death. But when a person lives alone or there is another adult in the house capable of feeding them, you may want to hold off on the food train. It doesn't mean that you can't drop off their favorite foods. But due to the grief, they may not have much of an appetite anyway. So if food is piling up and they have no place to put it, now you're adding a burden of food or pears onto them and they don't want to feel that way because they are so grateful. But you're eliminating one more thing. What she taught me is what I'm going to do when the next person I know is struggling with grief or going through the days after a death. I'm going to give the next gen bereavement gift, which is a gift card, to doordash. That's the company where drivers will go to any restaurant within their menu and they can pick up whatever you want whenever you want and deliver it straight to your house all through your phone. Now, what else do most people send to a person who's grieving? Flowers. Right. So we discussed this as well. Now, I love flowers, but I don't know what I would do if I was inundated with them in my house. My friend who also loves flowers said it started to feel like a funeral home. And I've heard that before from other people. The flowers become overwhelming. It's another thing thing they have to deal with. She said she has so many flowers, she had to keep some in her bathroom. Now, she also said they'll probably last a year because of the moisture from the shower. But she said the flowers are a reminder of death because flowers die, they're not around forever. So a good substitute. She mentioned a plant. She said a plant is a lasting reminder of the loved one. It's something a person can tend to and every day. My friend's husband loved to garden. So she said another gift for someone who's going through grieving, especially if it was someone who loved. Gardening is a gift card to a nursery so they can plant flowers in honor of the loved one. Isn't that a wonderful idea? A gift of a perennial. So the takeaway. Give them something they can use on their timetable that provides them comfort or a constant blessed reminder that of their loved one. Okay, the last piece. Know what to say to people grieving by knowing what not to say. Overall, respect the grieving process. This means don't tell a person who is grieving how to grieve or how to heal, because there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Sometimes grief unfolds in an orderly, predictable way that we've seen time and time again. But people and death can be unpredictable. And with that, grieving will look different to everyone and everyone grieves differently. So avoid telling them how they should be feeling or what they should be doing. Listen more, talk less. Listen to them if they just want to open up to you. Try to suspend all judgment. Concentrate on listening carefully. It's so hard nowadays because no one's brain is wired to pay attention anymore. But during a time of grieving, that's the time to put the phone down and focus. Sometimes communication is just sitting in a room with them and just be. Remember, there will also be days of the year that will be particularly difficult for a person to bear, such as an anniversary, significant occasions, a birthday, of course, all the holidays. Be sensitive to these times and offer your support above all costs. Avoid platitudes. These are the phrases you say to break the sorrow of the moment, to help a person in grief, to make them feel better, but it ends up making them feel worse. Remember the scene from the film Steel Magnolias when Milin Sallyfield was standing in the cemetery at the casket of her daughter Shelby. After the funeral, Anell, played by Daryl Hannah, offered a platitude. Ms. Malian, it should make you feel a lot better that Shelby is with her king. Yes, Anell, I guess it should. We should all be rejoicing. Well, you go on ahead. I'm sorry if I don't feel like it. I guess I'm a little selfish. I'd rather have her here. Other thoughts you may want to keep to yourself. You'll get married again one day. At least you have other children. She's lucky she lived to such a ripe old age. It was God's will. You can always try for another baby. Be thankful they're not in pain anymore. He's happy. He's in heaven. Time heals all wounds. Count your blessings. You still have a lot to be grateful for. I know exactly how you feel and everything happens for a reason. All of these phrases should be banned from conversations with a grieving friend. Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair and fear are common, but so is their sensitivity. They're raw. They're exhausted. A small slight or the wrong choice of words can seem enormously hurtful to a person who's grieving. Go out of your way to share your feelings about the person they loved. Tell them the parts of the funeral or the service that were beautiful or particularly moving. When an obituary is posted online or printed in the paper, or someone shares it on social media, comment. They are online. They are watching. They're refreshing their browser to see what people are saying about their loved ones in the days after a death. These micro moments are the bridge between life with the person alive and how it will be without them. Don't wait for a grieving friend to call you to ask what you thought of the service or the funeral, or what you thought of the obituary that they put their heart and soul into writing. It's their expression of love for their loved one and responding to it means everything to them. You are letting them know the person they mourn will not be forgotten and that they have memorialized them perfectly. Help your friend in the transition in their new life by acknowledging the effort and choices they made to honor the life of their loved one. The Overall Takeaway the best thing you can offer someone who is grieving is a hug, if you can, during a quarantine, a listening ear, and a compassionate presence. There really is no combination of words that will ever make your friend's pain go away. And honestly, don't worry about saying the right thing at all times, because what is the right thing to say? How do you respond when someone dies? Grief is all consuming. The words aren't going to make that go away or make much of a difference. But it's you being there and being present and offering love and kindness. That's all that matters. So be there right away and be there from the long haul. You don't need to have answers or give advice to say and do all the right things. The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is simply to be there. It's your support and caring presence that will help your loved one cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal. I promised you one act of kindness that drove my dear friend crazy. She had me in tears laughing at this, and it happened to be the first thing she mentioned when I asked how she was doing in the days after her husband's death. She said that she hated, hated the praying emoji hands. You know the ones, the two hands together in prayer. She said to me, if I ever see those freaking emoji hands again, and you know where you see them, it's usually on Facebook when someone announces a death or someone shares an obituary. You'll see the streams of comments and you'll just see these praying hands. That emoji she had a phenomenal line for it. She called it fake grace. It's still a gesture that you're praying, but she said even better. Just write out the words or type out the words. I am praying for you. The dichotomy of the two, the emoji versus the written word, she said I am praying for you were the most comforting words that she was reading in the moments after her husband's death. But those emojis, never ever use them again. Now I know I never will ever use them again. So if you do, you don't have to. But just think about what the person on the other end is likely thinking. So that's all for this week on the podcast. Not a happy subject, but a very real one and a very timely one. I want to thank my dear friend Corey for allowing me to share her experience and her advice. I know it's going to help many people. Benjamin Franklin said those things that hurt Instruct. My hope is that what you have learned today will help your friends and family in grieving, but also yourself. Bye for now.