62: It's a New Year; Is it Time for a New Life? With special guest Steve Piacente

It's that time of year, the end of the year. It's the time where we reflect on what we've done, where we've been, and where we want to go in the new year. On today's episode, it's all about transitions, the time of renewal. Whether you are looking to reinvent yourself based on something you need or on something that someone else thought you needed, like a new job, the one you no longer have, or the new one that you want. Today's guest, Steve Piacente. He is bringing a little bit of life coaching to the Confident Communications podcast. I was inspired to bring him on one because Steve and I work together, and I know that he's very successful in working as a life coach, but that's not his primary job. It's an adjacent job. He works in media training, and that's where we first intersected. But he has a new book out called you'd New Fighting Good Enough isn't and. And you know it. And I thought he was the perfect guest to talk about renewing ourselves in 2020. So if you want a new life, a new job, a new career, this is the episode for you. Hello, Steve. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining.

Hi, Molly. Thank you. It's great to be here.

So it's nice to speak with you again. You and I first intersected when we both worked at the Communication center in Washington, D.C. it is a wonderful firm for media training. Communication training. Confident. Communication training for women. And you were one of the trainer extraordinaires there.

Oh, thank you very much. I'm now actually the training director.

You're the training director. So you've been promoted since then. That's wonderful. And I understand that you are speaking to me on campus during one of your trainings, correct?

Yeah. I'm down at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, where I'm helping about 30 professors during the week from different parts of the university get better prepared to do media interviews.

Oh, that's wonderful. So you're working in higher ed at the moment? Well, I wanted to bring you on the podcast, and you're one of the first people I thought of for this topic. It's New Year's Eve. Happy New Year's Eve, Steve.

And happy New Year's to you as well, and everybody out there.

I know. So we're heading into 2020, and I thought you would the perfect person to discuss this idea of renewal for 2020. Now, before that, the reason why it's not because of your past. Now, of course, you and I also intersect because we both work as adjunct professors in communications. Are you still doing that?

I'm taking this semester off, but yes. I teach beginning journalism writing at American University. This is the first semester I'm taking off in a long time. And it's mostly because of more clients in my life coaching business. And I'm doing a lot more travel these days for the Communication center.

Yeah, I found the same thing, too. It's difficult to adjunct when you're on the road. But you mentioned that you're working as a life coach, which is the reason why I wanted to speak with you today. As I mentioned to you earlier off the air, you were always sitting there just waiting for that perfect episode because I follow you since you and I work together. And of course, you're an author as well. But you've made this transition, this pivot into life coaching, and you did it at a very interesting time in your life because you're already successful. And could you just tell me the journey of why, when you are the head of training at the Communication center, that you decided to bring life coaching into the mix?

Yeah, it actually started at TCC when people were coming in, ostensibly for media and presentation training. But I was hearing a lot of things like, Steve, I have no work life balance. Steve, I have this terrible relationship with my boss, or Steve, everybody looks at me and says, you should be happy. But for some reason I'm not feeling as fulfilled as I should. So I thought, that's interesting. It's not really what we were there for, but it always kind of stuck with me. And so I thought, if I'm going to venture opinions on any of these things, I should probably go out and get trained and certified as a life coach. So I looked around and. And I found a program that was very experiential. In other words, run by working life coaches who would teach you strategies and tactics and then watch you coach and then give you feedback right in the moment. So that's how I learned best. And it took a year to get through the program, but it was well worth it because I also launched my own business and now I have clients. But it also intersects terrifically with my work at the Communication center because a lot of times things come up during trainings where I can borrow from my life coaching practice and bring that into the training.

Oh, I can imagine. I think about it as you were saying that, and you and I know a lot of media coaches and media trainers out there. And I bet if we were all in the room, we would all share the same stories, that, yes, you're there to train them on how to speak on camera or how to pull together the best quotable quote. But usually there's a block there. You know, there's fear, there's something that you have to get through, and you do find yourself coaching and counseling on whatever that block is. So you're just the first guy I know that went out and got a credential to be a life coach to officially help them with that. So that's wonderful. I know a lot of life coach coaches out there, but what an interesting intersection between being a media trainer and a former journalist. But bringing in this idea, the life coach. So today I want to talk about if someone is sitting and listening to this episode at this moment. So it's being published right now on December 31st. So we are at the eve of the new year on 2020. And if someone is transitioning by choice into a new career or a new change in what they want to do or not by choice, they've lost their job or they're being told. Could you share some advice on how someone could make that transition, some of the things that they need to think about? So first, let's just talk about you. And from my understanding, it happened to you first. Could you share a little about your past?

Yeah. And I do lead my latest book, my nonfiction book called you'd New Fighting Stance with this story, because right after 9 11, when the news industry was kind of faltering quite a bit, I got a call from my newspaper, and the essence of it was that they were eliminating the Washington correspondent job. And, you know, wow, that's something I had been doing for 10 years and 15 years before that with other newspapers. And in my mind, it was the only thing that I knew how to do. So, you know, Washington correspondent jobs are few and far between in D.C. which is, you know, I'm living right outside of D.C. in, in Maryland. My wife has a good job. We have three kids in schools. And so, you know, the prospect of moving down south to the newspaper and taking a job there, it just wasn't a possibility. So now I'm stuck with, you know, what do I do? Because this is the only thing I know how to do. If I had had a life coach at the moment, in that moment, he or she probably would have. Would have asked me, well, is that really true, or did you learn a lot of things being a journalist that might transfer nicely to other disciplines? And, you know, I kind of stumbled my way through to find that answer, which of course is yes. But I think that's where a life coach really can help you, because it's like a third objective, unaligned party who can just ask a lot of empowering questions that will. Will shed some light on all of this.

And when you left that. So when you left that position, it's interesting when you say you. Where are you going to stumble into your next position? Is that where you ended up with the gsa?

I did. And what I realized through a lot of trial and error was that what I had learned at a journalist did transfer nicely. So, you know, when you're a reporter, you learn how to ask questions, you learn how to write quickly and clearly, you learn how to communicate at a certain level. So all of those skills and others will work in other professions, including the one I eventually wound up in, which was speechwriting at an agency called gsa, the General Services Administration. And that's what I did. I did that, and then I wound up becoming a communications manager. And I was there for 10 years.

Yeah. And falling into the federal government, that is. That's good work. And that's another place where you and I intersected your GSA to my fema. And you and I know a thing or two about dealing with scandal and writing your way out of a scandal or messaging your way out of a scandal or some problems there. So once you. So you found that you use skills, your natural writing skills, your reporting skills, and that transition nicely into your federal job and the external affairs. So now where we are are, as you are now, officially a life coach. So let's say you're speaking to the Steve Pte now. What are some of the things that you're telling a person like your client? They've just lost their job. What are you telling them?

Well, a couple of things. And let me just back up one quick second, because there is a big difference between consultant and coach. And so in my role as communication center, I'm more of a consultant. But as a coach, what I'm doing is I start with the assumption that you know the answer to these questions, and I have to find the right questions to ask you to lead you to that conclusion. As a consultant, I'm more about directing you most clearly from point A to point B. So, you know, it's a. It's a subtle but important distinction. So. And I do have a lot of clients who are in this position. Either either they've, you know, there's. There's actually a few different scenarios. One, they may have been Downsized out of a job. Two, they may be. You know, people retire much younger now.

Yes.

And so, and so, wow, I'm 50 something, but now there's still a lot of years ahead. What am I going to do? People who retire without a plan, I think that's a really dangerous position to put yourself in.

Do you think it's dangerous both financially but also mentally?

Mostly, you know, mostly mentally, I would say, because, you know, that prospect of, oh, I have nothing that I have to do, that's fun for about a month and then all of a sudden you feel like, wow, I'm wasting a lot of time.

If, you know, they want to reinvent themselves and you need to help them reframe their, their post job life. What would be an example of some of the questions those prompts that you may be asking someone?

So if you could do anything that you wanted to do, what would it be? Or you know, it's, it's a year from now and you are happier than you've ever been. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Who are you with? Tell me what that looks like. And then we talk about. And Molly, it's important to add that, add one more little category here, which is that people who are in seemingly good jobs, we have a good job, good salary, you know, lovely house, great car, everybody says you should be happy, but a lot of times people are not. And so I think it's important at some point to do a self audit and ask yourself, are you happy? And if you're not, why not? And what else you can do about it.

Steve, is one of the problems though, that you hear a lot in terms of a block and you had mentioned it earlier, is it money? Do people not take these jumps and these leaps to reinvent themselves because of money? Do you hear that a lot?

I do hear that some, but sometimes I question whether that's a realistic fear. So in other words, I find people with, you know, by any rational standard are doing quite well, quite fine and in great salt, in great position, but are afraid of losing that salary or losing that status. And so they're clinging to that, which I don't. Which can explain why people may not be as happy as they should be.

Right. What is the question? If you're working with your clients now, what are some of the same patterns that you see?

I see this. I see that when we're young, we are much more willing to look at things from broader perspective. And as we get a little bit older and you know, that Maybe there's a marriage and a family and a mortgage and a car payment. With all of those things, the vision gets narrower and narrower. And so at some point, we're operating almost like we have blinders on. And when that happens, we just cannot see through to what's going to really make us feel fulfilled. And so we stop thinking about it. And it's almost like, you know, that. That grind, sitting in the traffic every day, going and dealing with that boss or dealing with these projects. And at the end of the week, you know, you've got that salary, but you're just not feeling very good about things.

Yes. So your job as a life coach is to help reveal unexpected joy or unexpected. An unexpected path that they weren't thinking of.

So people come to me. All of my clients are highly functioning, usually very creative, very innovative. And like I said to the outside world, looks like they're doing great, but for some reason, they're just not happy. They're just not feeling fulfilled. And so we talk about that. I give them an online assessment, and we look at every aspect of their lives. We look at spirituality, we look at healthy, how healthy they feel. We look at financial, we look at relationships and job satisfaction. And then we kind of get a baseline. And what that really does is pinpoint where the problem is. And once we pinpoint where the problem is, then we start diving into what we can do about it. So there's some obstacle. What is the obstacle and how are we going to get through it?

And one of the obstacles that I picked up in your book, and you had mentioned your book, your new fighting stance, good enough isn't. And you know it. One of the obstacles that I picked up is this idea of the inner critic. You. You note that that is one of the major obstacles for people. Could you tell us about that?

Yeah, and I'll share a quick story that really highlights this. So. So I had. I'm going to bring in the communication center again because we did a training, and I had a woman who did a mock presentation, and we put her on camera, and, man, she was great. She was so good that everybody said, why are you even here? And she said, thank you very much. But I got to tell you, for years and years and years, I was deathly afraid of public speaking. And I said, do you know where that began? And she told me, I know exactly where it began. And she told us this story about how she was in preschool and the teacher was going to have all the parents in to do to show the mastery of the Alphabet. And each child had to do a sentence with. To let with the letter they had been assigned. And they had to do two of those sentences. When they got to her, she did the first one and she forgot the second one. And when this was all over, the teacher called her aside and she said, you ruined it for everybody.

Oh, ouch.

And on that day, her inner critic appeared. And for years and years and years tried to discourage her from ever speaking in public, in other words. So we talked about the inner critic as this kind of being that discourages and scares and you're not good enough, you're not smart enough. Don't ever try to public speak again. Speak in public again. And so, arguably, if we could talk to the inner critic, the inner critic. We both have journalism backgrounds, Molly. There's two sides to every story. The inner critic would say, I'm doing a service. I'm protecting you from speaking in public so that you won't have to go through that again.

Oh, my goodness.

And so. And so, in helping somebody overcome the inner critic, the first thing we need to do is figure out what it is and why it's there. And then we need to start a conversation. You know, I appreciate what you tried to do for me in the past, but I'm an adult now and I don't need that kind of help anymore. So if you want to stick around, we're going to give you a new job, and you're going to go from being the inner critic to being the inner advocate.

The transition.

Instead of discouraging me and making me feel bad about myself, all you're going to do is make me feel good and make me and inspire me and make and say positive things. So, you know, I don't want to sound glib about this. Like, all you have to do is have a little inner dialogue and all, and it's done. But it has to start someplace. And for me, that's where it starts.

Do you think most people that you speak with or most people that you can assume have an inner critic?

I think everybody does.

Right, right. And so your job, part of your job as a. As a. Is to slowly reveal it and then morph it into an advocate. So we want to remove the critic and switch it to something else, correct?

Absolutely. Yes.

Okay, now what about. So this idea of the inner critic, let's transition to a more external front facing problem where people, let's say midlife, mid transition. So we're late 40s, we're 50s, we're 60s, we still have plenty of years Left to contribute and to work or to come into, you know, fall into some area that we can, that we can serve and, and, and give back. What about someone. And I'm pulling this from your book as well. You had talked about the need to adapt, to stay relevant. There are true skills out there that it's not an inner critic like you. You don't know certain technology or how the world moves right now. People leave a job and they're like, I don't know how to get a new job or I don't know how to use this type of technology. Or the websites, what do you tell them? How do you coach them through that?

Yeah, well, first of all, I don't think it starts there. I think it starts more internally and sort of with this exercise of reinventing yourself. So a quick example. I'm working with somebody who has been in the government for many, many years, fairly high level executive, but decided in his mid-50s that he wanted to go into the private sector. Now when the private sector looks at his resume, all they see is a career bureaucrat. And so our first goal was to figure out how we could talk about himself in a new way. And frankly, he's a very creative, interesting guy who's just kind of buttonholed himself in this, in this government position. And when we really started looking at it and I started asking him some questions, man, it came out that he is quite an innovative, creative guy. And so, and so the first step for me is not about technology, it's about. It's about seeing yourself with fresh eyes.

Yes. So he actually was innovative, which a bureaucrat is innovative. Yeah, we're not allowed to be when we work there. Right. We can't do that. But you saw that. You saw the potential in him just by asking the questions. And then it re. Does it self reveal? Like does the light bulb go off in his head and he says, wait a minute, I can do this. Oh, that's great.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm shooting for. I am lighting those little fuses until we, bam, we have that light bulb moment.

And also, so there's a lot of inner dialogue going on. You also mention in your book about letting your instinct and your intuition lead the way. Tell me about that.

Yeah, I think we get too accustomed to the rituals of the workplace and what passes for good and smart and acceptable and we stop thinking. You know, when I walked in to GSA after 20 plus years of newspapering and I would ask, why are we doing something a particular way? The answer inevitably would come back. But we've, we've always done it this way.

Well, Steve, did you ask that question to yourself 100 times a day? You must have.

I mean, it was, and it was extremely frustrating. Maybe you want to go up to the roof and want to jump off.

I can imagine.

Yeah. And, and so, you know, we kind of become a little too accepting of that. And that's what I want people to really take in as we, as we approach this new year, that, that the same old isn't necessarily the best.

Oh, that's, that's a great transition as we, as we come to our end here. So someone isn't working as a life coach with a life coach. They're in a job that they want to transition out of or they know they'll soon be transitioned out of this position. They're looking into 2020 thinking, what am I going to do next? So the person at home, short of hiring a life coach or reaching out to you, what are some of the questions that they can ask themselves that can help them transition into another place or Another mindset for 2020? The idea of renewal, how can they get there?

You know, I think renewal starts with going back, which sounds a little ironic, I guess, but, you know, I have. And I'll just give you, you know this because you're a teacher also, but some of my students come back to me five years after they graduate and what has happened is they wanted a job in, say, journalism, but they wound up in, say, PR or vice versa. And wow, they, they're smart, so they advance, but it's not really what they wanted. But now they've maybe taken on some more responsibilities and there's a financial consideration. So it's really hard to stop. What I would say to people who are in a position to do this is go back and really think about when you were that bright eyed, idealistic younger person and if you could have chosen anything to do, what would that have been? Maybe you're in a position now to do it. You may remember that movie up in the Air with George Clooney. Clooney. Where he goes around, he has to fire everybody. And that was his job.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yes, yes.

Well, there's a great scene where this guy's, where this guy's being let go and George Clooney goes, you know, I looked at your resume and way back when you wanted to be a chef, and why don't you look into that and, and the light goes on in the guy's eye and that's. That's kind of my point that maybe there's something else that you considered at some point in the past. Ask yourself, go through this self audit. What is it that really gets your juices going and, and can maybe be realized at this point?

And what a wonderful question to ask someone at that mid stage in their life. Because if they are 56, for example, when they were 20, yeah, the job they wanted at 20 probably looks a lot different today and may be more easily attained at this age or just where we are in society because so much has changed. What a wonderful first prompt. So that's a part of your self audit.

Yeah, that's really important. And then, then I would say, you know, look at all the things that you've learned in the career that you've had and really think about how they might apply to other positions and sort of imagine the interview with that hiring manager who's going to say, but look, you did this other thing and you say, yeah, but look, here's how it applies. Here's, here's what I learned that can apply to this position.

But what can they do if they sound at on January 1st and they said, okay, I'm starting fresh, my diet started today. Now I'm going to jump on the computer and do something like what would be a good actually tactical move for someone to move into the next phase.

Yeah, I, I, I'm going to go back to what I said earlier. I would say, and play along with me. I would say close your eyes. Imagine it's a year from now. So it's, so it's January 2021 and everything has worked out exactly the way you want. Where are you, what are you doing and who are you with? Oh, and once we, once we put our hand on that, once we put our finger on that, now we start to map out the trail that's going.

To get you there and you help people get there.

Absolutely.

Oh, that's wonderful. And that's a wonderful place for us to end our conversation. But for people to start their own conversation with themselves and how they can make those, make that shift. Well, the first thing that they can do is pick up your book. Your new fighting stance. Good enough isn't and you know it. I love the stories that you have in there because you, you pull stories from real people, real anecdotes in life that I apply to so many people, you know, that they're going through. There's a story for everyone in there about what a challenge that they're dealing with right now and certainly they can check you out online because you're the owner of Next Phase Life Coaching. And of course, Steve, you're a tremendous writer. Tell us about your books.

Oh, so I've written. You know, toward the end of my newspaper career, I was very frustrated. At that time, we were still writing to fit the news hole, and I found that the most interesting parts of my stories were winding up on the cutting room floor. It's all different now. But so what I did, I went back to school and I got my master's in fiction from Johns Hopkins and I started writing novels. And so I have three. They're all inspired by my journalism career, having been a New Yorker who wound up covering Southern politics. And all that I saw and experienced are in those books. So it's Bella, Bootlicker and Pretender.

Oh, and it's wonderful. And I love the trailers that you have. I mean, you are. You embody the life of someone that is living their best life.

Yeah. Thank you.

Really. Of a lot of people that I know, like, I. I aspire to have the life that you have. And you're also at that age now where your kids are older and you have grandkids coming in and you and your wife, you're living the best life, and you're a testament to what you do.

Well, we try to walk the talk, Molly.

We all do, some of us better than others. But, Steve, thank you so much for all of your wisdom. It was wonderful. I know that you're going to help people. And if anyone wants to find out more information about Steve, certainly check him out online and his books. Steve, Happy New Year, Molly.

Thank you. And same to you and same to everyone out there. Let's get all. Let's all get off to a good start this year.

Well said. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

I want to thank Steve for joining me on the podcast today. I think he brought such valuable information, especially to people who are looking to make a change. Steve is the owner of Next Phase Life Coaching, and you can find out more information about Steve at his website, Steve Piacente. That's P I A C E N T E. And I'll have the links in the show notes where you can find out more information on his new book. Your new fighting stance Good enough isn't. And you know it as well as his other books. Thanks for listening to this edition of the Confident Communications Podcast. Bye for now.