92: How to Win an Argument Every Time

Do you remember the scene in the film you've Got Mail when Meg Ryan's character Kathleen Kelly says to Tom Hanks character Joe Fox fox, am I dating myself here? During their AOL chat about winning arguments, Meg Ryan's character typed with the voiceover, what happens to me when I'm provoked is that I get tongue tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend all night tossing and turning, trying to figure out what I should have said or what should I have said, for example, to a bottom dweller who recently belittled my existence. Can you relate? Arguing with a person isn't a pleasant way to pass the time, but winning? Well, it feels awesome. If you find yourself in a lot of conversations nowadays with people in hot states discussing, oh, let me see, masks, racism, fake news, politics. If you're like me, you want to end these conversations somehow, the ones that lead to these arguments. And if you find yourself in an argument, well, you want to win it. On the podcast how to get the Upper Hand and Win an Argument Every Time. If you felt like the cultural climate is more divisive than ever, you are not alone. According to the Pew Research Center, 85% of Americans believe that the nature and tone of political debate in the US has become more negative. In such a tense cultural environment, is it even possible to win an argument on social media or in real life anymore? Do people argue simply to be heard? Does it even matter if you win the answer? Yes. Yes it does. Why? Winning an argument establishes your commitment to truth. You don't argue for the sake of arguing. You want your truth to be heard. Also, arguments can lead to more arguments and permanently damage relationships. And lastly, it's easier to hear and get to the truth of the matter if the message isn't lost in sharp words and anger. The quicker you get out of an argument by winning it with anyone, the better off everyone will be, right? So let's take a look at how to win an argument every single time. Choose your arguments wisely. Just because you disagree with someone's perspective doesn't necessarily mean winning an argument against them will make much of a difference. In this current social and political climate. It's not uncommon with for there to be stark differences in the way family members and your old friends view the same issues through vastly different lenses. One of the most important ways to win an argument is to be selective in the arguments you engage in. Don't get into the habit of arguing for the sake of arguing, and be thoughtful about what the consequences of winning arguments might be on your relationship with the other person. In other words, is this the hill you want to die on? Well, if so, use psychology to your advantage. Whether you're trying to win an argument on social media or in real life, you'll want to have a basic understanding of people's psychology. While we like to think of ourselves as rational, logical people, this is fairly far from the truth, particularly in the heat of an argument. Now these tips are tips and tactics that I have been using over the past few months. I have completely reframed how I argue. Thus I wrote the blog posts that you can find on my website thus this podcast. So listen first, keep your cool and be polite. When you have a position that you know is right, you it's easy to fall into passionately defending your perspective. Now, while it's fine to be energetic, it's absolutely essential to remain polite, courteous, calm, and avoid getting hot headed at all costs. You have to remember your ultimate goal in a debate. You're trying to convince the other person that your perspective is right. When you are defensive, angry, and biting, your opponent is actually likely to feel more affirmed in their position. Getting angry and worked up is only going to humiliate you or the other person. If your opponent can't keep their cool, it works in your favor. If you match their energy though, nobody wins and you want to win. Next, know your facts, but don't go overboard. You'd think that winning an argument would be all about having the right statistics to back up your point. I mean, really, how many people have the right statistics and data points to back up a random argument that pops up out of nowhere? Now, while it's good to know the facts about the topic you're discussing, stringing off a bunch of data points isn't going to sway anyone in your direction. In fact, most people are going to think that you made them up. If you're going to use statistics and provable facts in your argument, make sure you've got the numbers right. Nothing can weaken your argument faster than the discovery that your statistics were ever so slightly incorrect or grossly incorrect. The reality is that people are fundamentally emotional when engaging in political discussions. Most people have gut moral intuitions first and then find points to support their beliefs. Facts don't necessarily change people's minds. That means that they aren't gathering information and coming to a conclusion. They find the conclusion first and find the facts and reasoning later. Knowing this can help you understand where your opponent is coming from and the effects of how you frame your argument. Now here are the tactics that will guarantee to have you win your next argument. And this one is a goodie. I've been using it a lot the last few months. Let your opponent help you win now. Why should you do all the work? Your opponent can actually do quite a bit of the heavy lifting for you if you can direct the conversation that way. First, ask questions. Think some Socratically. Socrates loved the tactic of asking questions in an argument. Then people eventually back themselves into a corner with their own logic and arguments. Have you ever seen those man on the street videos where normal people are asked to explain their perspectives? They're on the Jon Stewart show and you see them. Samantha Bee does it. They're online a lot. They're funny. They now while you'll notice they'll always start out confident, but then you can see their lack of reasoning from their position unfold in real time on video. Now, asking your opponent to explain their position and following up with open ended questions is an excellent idea for a number of reasons. First, obviously you can't argue against a perspective. You don't know what their position is. Allowing them space to fully articulate their beliefs helps you properly frame your own argument. It also avoids the issue that you'll make incorrect assumptions about their position. What this means is let them speak, close your mouth and hear their entire position now. Second, your opponent is a lot more likely to listen to your rebuttals and if you give them the opportunity to speak their mind, the debate won't get anywhere. If your opponent feels disrespected, unheard and preached to. Third, you'll likely see some aspect of your opponent's position unravel in the response to their questioning. So as stated before, people often pick a side first based on a moral intuition rather than taking a stand. And after gathering all the facts, this is an excellent way to find weaknesses in their point of view and argument. Identifying shared ground is going to help you win an argument. Now ideally, arguments should maintain a positive atmosphere and a likeness to them. If the argument remains friendly, you're more likely to persuade them of your perspective. Now think about it. How likely would you be to change your mind if someone was insulting you in your point of view? So while you're engaged in an argument, it's important to try and identify common ground. If you're able to point out things that you agree on rather than only harping on your disagreements, they'll be much more likely to come over to your side. The Takeaway Winning an argument is not as straightforward as as you might have thought. The definition of an argument. One may think it's yelling and screaming and a passionate back and forth with a person. Certainly that can be an argument. That is an argument. But other types of arguments are discussions that have two vastly different points, and these heated conversations can quickly lead to arguments. The framework that I just gave you can apply to both. So it's easy to assume that how to win an argument is a matter of perfectly designed, factual, and a bulletproof point of view. But in reality, we are all human and are impacted by subtle emotional and psychological factors. While you obviously want to have the facts on your side, listing off statistics like a robot isn't going to get you very far. So when you're engaged in an argument, you you're trying to persuade another person of your perspective. That means that you have to win them over, not beat them down. It's not about having the specific words to win an argument. It's about having the right attitude, the right tone, and the best tactics. So that's all for this week on the podcast you heard how to Win an Argument. You can also head on over to my blog@mollymcpherson.com to read about the tactics again. As a refresher for your next battle, be sure to follow me on twitter @molly McPherson so thanks so much for listening to the Confident Communications Podcast. Hope to see you here next week. Bye for now.