All The parallels between interviewing and Dating

This is episode 137, all the parallels between interviewing and dating. Let's do it. All right, this is a fun episode. Buckle up. So a lot of people talk about this. They talk about how dating and interviewing is so similar. And it really is. But today I wanna dive into exactly how and why it is. And there is literally an explanation for every single behavior that parallels when you're dating and when you're job interviewing. So we can all agree that there's some behaviors that are very unattractive. And some that are very attractive, and there's a reason for this. And in dating they apply, and in interviewing they apply. So I'm going to go through them one by one. So when you are interviewing or dating, somebody who is in an unattractive energy is pretty focused on. themselves. And even though they might want to meet someone, they don't really put themselves out there. They don't actually tell people that they're looking to date. They don't want to go on the dating apps because somebody might see them that they know, and they might get embarrassed. They don't want to be judged. And they don't take action except for sometimes casually scrolling or sporadically, maybe they'll check something out, but they're not consistent, right? And that is not very attractive because it's like, it doesn't mean you're really committed to doing it, right? Not really committed to finding this person. So to contrast that, the attractive energy would be you wanna meet somebody, you wanna get that perfect role. So you put yourself out there, you tell people, you set up appointments, dates, chats, you make your online profile look like your best stuff. Like you put your best stuff in the window, you talk to people. You are forward. You go and ask people out on dates. That is attractive, right? And it's also going to move you forward more. So that's the, the first one, is just not doing a lot. Even though you say you want to meet someone, you're not really doing a lot to make that happen because afraid of judgment, afraid someone will see you. Afraid something— afraid you might go on a bad date, afraid you might not, you might not succeed the first time out of fear, right? Second one, someone wants to meet somebody, but they are feeling resentful about being lonely. They kind of feel angry about it to the world, and they're not very happy with their own lives. They, they kind of focus on the days that they don't have a date. On Valentine's Day, they feel really sorry for themselves, and they're constantly comparing themselves to other people who do have partners, or they're feeling very committed to being single, and they feel like self-loathing. So they're not very happy with themselves generally. To contrast that, because that is— that would— we could all agree that's unattractive, right? Fairness, people might not know they're doing that, but that's not going to yield the man or woman of your dreams coming along. It's not going to yield you— it's not going to facilitate your dream job opportunity coming into your life either. On the flip side, there's the attractive energy. They're like, yes, I'd love to have someone in my life, but I'm really focused on creating something for myself that I really love, right? I'm having fun with myself. I am enjoying myself. I am working out. I am loving my life. I am laughing at myself and my own jokes. I am going out there and having fun. I am enjoying life. I am pursuing goals and dreams independently of whether or not I find somebody or not, or when I find them or not, right? That is the magnetic energy, right? That's where you start to get into the alluring, charismatic, magnetic, interesting person, right? The one that's inviting to be around, the one that's a joy to be around, the one that you want more of because you're like, oh, I wonder what they're going to do next. Like they're having fun with themselves, right? Versus the person who is really focused on not having a role, right? Or not having a, um, a date. And I see this a lot. This is very clearly on LinkedIn, right? When people keep posting, it's been, it's been 4 months and still no job, right? Like they're just focusing on it and their posts are really consistent like that, right? It's like, oh, I just got another rejection. Oh, this happened. Oh, this happened. And like, they're just really focusing on that. Right? And that's coming across not attractive energy, right? Instead of saying, hey, I just got this, I just took this course and it was awesome and I learned these things. And like, there's just choices, right? Attractive, unattractive. Next thing, um, has a very specific rigid, like, so laser focused on who they want to date. They're like, they have to be 6 foot tall and they have to be They have to go to the gym every day, and they have to be blonde with blue eyes, and they have to have, um, really, really good intellect and good grammar. They have to, they have to have really good grammatical skills. I'm joking around, but like, specifically, this person has to be so specific. Right? And then they feel bad. They kind of feel bad for themselves because of how hard it is, because they're like, well, the person that I want, they just don't exist, right? They're just too— like, I'm just too picky. You heard people say that? They're like, I'm just too picky, that's why I'm single, right? Not attractive. Not attractive, because the likelihood of finding that very specific person with all those things It's like, it's like not attractive because they're missing out and they're not open, right? They're not open to like what could come along. And the world isn't that specific. Like, there's probably only one of those people, and then they're gonna have other things they don't like, right? It's just not attractive. Versus the attractive way of thinking would be, okay, I have an idea of what I want. I got, you know, a rough idea, like the values of this person. You know, they want the same things as me, right? It's general, but it's specific, but it's not so specific. They meet people and they're open-minded. They have a really good time. They love being themselves, and they're just having fun out there talking to people, right? And they end up creating relationships that are amazing, right? Um, my client Colleen comes to mind. She's out there commenting and just having fun with it, and she just has all these opportunities coming her way. She creates serendipitous relationships, right? Like, this is just kind of what happens, right, when you have this magnetic energy. And along the way, you end up kind of building bridges, like creating these relationships for different things that you never thought would be possible, right? Like maybe you get invited to an audio chat, or you end up going to an in-person meetup or something because you were putting yourself out there, right? And you end up meeting people who could potentially hire you too, or recommend you, right? Because of this magnetic energy that you're putting out. Right? See the difference there? Instead of like, but what I want is so specific, like it's just— you're kind of shutting yourself off right there, not, not being open versus the attractive person who's just out there having fun, commenting, making jokes, like being funny, vibing with themselves, right? So very clear-cut examples, right? And you can see this in dating too, right? You can see, like I've heard people say it. A million times. Like, well, I'm just too picky, that's why I'm single. It's like, no, you're just not being very fun. So iffy. Um, yeah, repelling. It's repelling. This is what that is. It's like repellent energy. Because if you meet someone who's in this— when I'm using the word unattractive energy category— they're more repellent than they are attractive. So Next parallel. If you meet somebody or you go to an interview and you are judging based on criteria that you already set up, right? And you're kind of closing that window of opportunity, right? You're going, you're kind of going into it feeling irritated by the process. Like, ugh, dating sucks. I can't believe I have to go on another bad date. Like, ugh, I can't believe I keep getting ghosted and I can't believe that everybody is so flaky. And this whole process, it just sucks and I'm annoyed, right? And if the— if you do find someone who kind of meets your criteria, then you're like, oh my God, this is the person. We're gonna get married and we're gonna have kids and they're the one. And then you get all creepy and weird, and that's unattractive, right? So That is another repelling energy, whereas the attractive version of that is when you meet somebody or when you go on an interview, regardless of your criteria or your specific type that you've predetermined, you are happy to create that human connection no matter what. And you lead just with being curious about this person, just being your best self and being present, curious, and just genuinely wanting to learn about this person from being you with your kindest intentions, regardless of what happens. See how attractive that is? Versus the opposite. And the behavior here is like, when, when a job seeker is like, oh, I finally found somebody, like, I found the company and they're the perfect job, like, immediately be like, okay, so like, what else do you need? Like, like, kind of pushing them to like move through. And like, it's repellent either way, right? It's repellent if you're on a date and you're coming on too strong. It's repellent in the interview if you're coming on too strong and you're desperate and you're like, I really want this, I really need this, this is perfect, we're perfect for each other, don't you think? And it's like they're going to be repelled. And even if you were and they would think that, they're like, oh, I don't know. Like, it's just human nature, right? Someone comes on really strong, they're like, I don't know, they kind of pull back, right? Okay, the next parallel. Never invite anybody else to talk because you are scared of rejection. So never reach out to people, never connect with people from a while ago that maybe you should be connecting with because you're afraid they're going to say no. Same as never asking someone out on a date because you're afraid they're going to say no, and you take rejection incredibly personally, and you just can't. Handle it. So unattractive because it's not— doesn't take anything of you to not do that. It's like not courageous, not putting yourself forward for what you want, not going after what you want, right? Um, and you can listen to the episode on rejection if you want some more, um, resilience for handling rejection because you totally can handle rejection, no problem. But anyways, not attractive, right? Not going to get you what you want, right? The attractive parallel of that is you reach out to people, you connect with them, you risk rejection, you risk not getting responses. You risk whatever happens will happen, but you are taking your steps. You are taking your action. You are doing what you can control. And if you're rejected, you might be disappointed, but you're not going to be like wrecked and think it's personal. Like, oh my God, it's a knife through the heart. I've been stabbed. I'm injured. It's not like that. It's like, okay, well, I tried. Right. Not personal. Happens all the time. And some of these are like, I categorize them as unattractive, but they're just never gonna put you in a position to get what you want, whether it's a partner or whether it's an amazing premium job that pays you a lot of money. It's just not gonna happen if you're not doing certain things that invite— involve Some courageous action. It just won't happen. So the next one, say after a year of dating, they haven't found their person and they think it's so tragic and they, they just want to give up. Every day they're like, ugh, this is just not happening. Nobody wants me. Like I just can't do this. Nobody's gonna be meant for me. Like there's no one out there for me. It's just not gonna happen. It's just like me. I'm not good enough, right? Again, I don't know if the right word for it is unattractive, but it's just not gonna lead you to what you want, right? If you if you're in that energy and you're like ah and like. I get this 'cause I used to be going to like cycles and for me it was weight loss. I'd be like, oh, I'm gonna like give up and I'd cry, right? But it wasn't ever getting me to where I wanted to go. It wasn't ever letting me learn what I needed to learn to get where I wanted to go. It just doesn't, doesn't help. But I do get that 'cause you can be in that place sometimes. However, it won't get you there. And ultimately is unattractive because nobody will know, like the right person won't know about you and it's not fair to them. So it's unattractive. The attractive version of this is, you know, that it's inevitable that what you want is coming to you and that you are worthy of it, that an amazing relationship is available for you. Plus you've spent a whole year already meeting people, already learning. already getting to know yourself, already having these experiences. So you feel more enriched, more experienced, and you know that all that brings you closer, right? It has to, right? You're not farther behind, you're only closer, right? So again, it's, it's an attitude thing. Another parallel for unattractiveness is You ask somebody out but without really thinking about them or what they like, right? And this is like, for example, when people are reaching out to you maybe in the DMs and they want to sell you something but they know nothing about you, right? And so for dating, it's like Maybe you know that this person eats really healthy and they love to eat salads or something, or they just— they're really healthy and they're like crazy about their health, and you invite them to go to like the Heart Attack Grill or something. For those of you who don't know, the Heart Attack Grill is this restaurant in Las Vegas where everybody dresses as nurses, and they joke that you're gonna have a heart attack because the food is so greasy and the portions are so giant. I refuse to step foot in there. I don't like it. I don't like the whole premise of it. Just turns me off. They even have a scale in the front, and if you weigh over 300 pounds or something, you get to eat for free. Personally, not my thing. Anyways, an example. If you just invite somebody to, to something that is completely not them, right? So it's like if you go to the interview and you bring something completely irrelevant to them, right? Like say it's a position for an account manager and you bring them like a plan for their accounting software. Or something. I don't know, something totally irrelevant. Because in interviews, a lot of people are not considering how they want— like, what's relevant to the company, what's relevant to that hiring manager. And they're just talking about what they want to do and how they want to be. And like, that's very much like, I want something that will use my skills and I can benefit from it. And I'm looking for what kind of benefits we're getting. And I'm looking at what the pay is instead of thinking about Um, what they want, what they need. And when you're— same when you're asking someone out on a date, you want to be mindful of what it is they want, right? What it is would impress them. What— not so much impress them, but like would be a win-win for both of you, you know? Like, where's something somewhere that we would both like? But you keep them in mind, right? So, um, the attractive version of that would be They put some thought into where they take you, right? And they respect your feelings and they, they put a thought into what you might like or what you might need, right? And that's relationship 101, in my opinion. So another parallel moving on is they— you ask someone out on a date and You feel pressure because you don't want them to feel bad, and you get the vibe that they're going to. So asks you on a date, and you feel the pressure because you don't want them to feel bad, and you get the vibe that they will. And so that's like going to an interview for a job that you don't really want. Just to see, even though you know it's not what you want, right? It's not even close. It might not even be in your values, but you're like, yeah, I'll take anything. I'm desperate. I'll take it. I mean, you need to pay bills, different, but the parallel is you're not really You're not really being very discerning about what you're doing. You're just kind of willy-nilly giving attention to whoever, right? It's like, yeah, I could date this person, don't really like them though. I'm just waiting for someone better to come along, right? That's not very attractive at all, right? The attractive version is you ask someone out on a date, or someone asks you out on a date, and if you say no, Like you're willing to say no, right? You're like, you know what, thank you very much, but I don't think this is for me right now, but I appreciate it and I'm flattered, right? You are able to actually say no. That's attractive, right? Means you know who you are, you know what you want, and you are willing to disappoint other people. Willing to say no. So a lot of people, they entertain a lot of calls with recruiters, a lot of interviews that they don't really want, and then they feel kind of icky after because the recruiter didn't call them back, or they didn't even get the opportunity. And they're like, why did I do that? It's kind of like the equivalent of dating somebody and then they break up with you and you're like, oh, that feels icky because I didn't even like them. I don't even know why I was dating them in the first place, right? It's kind of like that. Next, it's like unattractive is the arrogance. And this arrogance is, you know, the person who overpowers the conversation on a date and they're just like, let me tell you about me and why you should want to be with me and why I'm so amazing and me, me, me. And every time you try to tell something, they turn it back on them and it's about them again. They don't ask you a single question about you. And you end up leaving feeling like, what the hell, would it even matter if I was even there? So unattractive. On an interview, this is the equivalent of they, they're talking about them all the time and they don't ask you any questions, or you don't ask them any questions. Like, it has to be a— they— you both get to know each other thing. Right? So the attractive version of this is they know, like, they know they're bringing something valuable to the table. They're confident about it, not arrogant. The difference is arrogance means they think they're better, so they should monopolize the whole conversation and they should have all the airtime because they're better than you, and they're not really that interested in you, honestly. They just care about themselves and they want you to make them feel good. Confidence is You just know that you're good at what you do. You know you have a lot to bring to the table, but you're still curious about them because you want to know if it's a good match. So you listen, you hear them, you are curious, you ask thoughtful questions, you have thoughtful conversation, and that makes it obvious that you are attentive, that you care, right? So it's— it has to be a two-way street for interviewing. And for dating. Okay, next, you think to yourself, well, I'm not going to follow up with them because I don't want them to think I'm needy, so screw them. But sometimes you want to be, and you can do that. And be attractive. So you can say, I'm going to be upfront about it, and in fact, I like them, so I'm not going to play any games and I'm just going to tell them how it is. Way more attractive, right? So with the job thing, it's like you can be like, well, I don't want to follow up with them because I don't want to be needy, or you can follow up with them way too often and appear needy, and that doesn't make them That's repellent as well. So there's a few mistakes that you could make there instead of just saying, look, I'm interested in this role, but I'm actively interviewing and I'd like to know where you stand on this. Can you give me an idea of your timeline? That's attractive, honest, open, transparent. Next. So very kind of wishy-washy, casual energy. It's kind of like, yeah, so just let me know whenever, or let me know, you know, something turns up. So instead of like— that's kind of wishy-washy. And I know that a lot of companies do this to candidates and stuff, so the candidate wouldn't necessarily be the person doing this, but like if you're networking and you're having a networking relationship, that's the equivalent of doing it in that context. It's like, ah, whatever, you know, whenever, we'll set something up whenever. That's not very attractive. It's not very discerning, not very decisive. It doesn't mean business. It's kind of like, nah, neither of us really care that much about this to make a date and a time, so whatever. If it works out, it works out. If not, it doesn't, right? When you're in that energy, It's not very attractive to either person. I'm sure you've experienced what I mean. Attractive energy is going to be, um, there's this Taco Tuesday, there's, there's a Taco Tuesday special on at the Mexican restaurant near my house. Let's go, I'm buying, you in? Let's go on Tuesday, what do you say? Right? It's like, uh, It's like a bold forward invitation. It's like saying, I'm inviting you, are you in or not? Right? And so for candidates and interviewers and stuff like that, it can be like, you can take that lead and you can say, hey, I'm free on this day. Are you free for a conversation about getting your goals met here? I'm I'm happy to discuss these topics with you. Right? Like, it's kind of like at the end of your communications and emails and stuff when people say, let me know when you would be free for— let me know if you'd like to hear more, or let me know if I— if we can set up an interview, right? It's like, instead you could say, I like to put at the end of mine, it's like, I'm free next week on these days at these times if you'd like to discuss. How I could be of service to your organization and what I can bring to the table. I like to say that, and I would do that because it makes it a lot easier for them to respond and say, okay, yeah, let's do it, right? It's more of a certain, more attractive energy. It's like you're moving the process along because you've got things going on and you want to move it along. It's very different than, let me know whenever. And you can do that when dating, when interviewing, when networking. You can take that attractive, focused energy with you. You don't have to be— you don't have to follow suit with everyone else who's like, yeah, yeah, whenever, and then they never get back. Like, the way that I like to encourage my clients is like, yeah, people are like that, they're flaky, but they will fall off as you go, right? Like, you're going to get to your place. And you're gonna go a lot faster because of the way that you communicate, because of the way that you move forward. Okay, so the next one, I don't wanna be pushy, right? So I'll just kind of sit down quietly and hope that they'll magically just come up with the reason why they need to hire me. I'll just kind of sit here and hope that they can see my value, right? Kind of submissive, pulling back, not bold or courageous or decisive in any way, kind of leaving it up to everyone else, right? The attractive version of this would be, um, I really think I could be a fit here, and I really know I could help you, so I would love to talk about What that could look like. Totally different, right? It's like, I would like to discuss like a timeline when, like, when we could move that forward. When are you looking to accomplish this by? When would you like to have that done by? You know, I can help you with these things, get these things done, right? Versus, yeah, so like when dating, it's like, oh, I don't want to be pushy. I'll just kind of sit here and hope that they want to make the relationship into serious— like, I hope they want to take it to boyfriend-girlfriend status— instead of asking yourself, right? And being like, I really like where this is going. I really like you. I'm into it. Um, like, how do you feel about this, right? It could be uncomfortable to do because you don't know how they're going to respond. But you'll get everything you need from that answer. I did it. It was very difficult to do, but ended up having to break up with the guy 'cause he was not serious. He did not want what I wanted. I was shaking when I had to ask the question, but I did. I said, how do you feel about me? And he actually said, well, I've already told you that. And I said, no, I don't think you have because I would've remembered. I was like, can you please tell me again? And it was very nerve-wracking 'cause it's like I was kind of thinking he was gonna tell me that he loved me or something, although he didn't have to do that and it was too soon for that anyway. But I wanted to know where we were at. And, um, yeah, he just said, I can't handle this, I can't handle this right now, and he left. And I was like, well, there's my answer, because that's exactly what my ex would do. So cut that one off. But that's how you get— that's how you get to what's important. That's how you get to the people that are important, that are serious. That's how you make important decisions, is you don't entertain And you don't sit around waiting, and you don't have that wishy-washy energy, right? So next one, hide things that you are afraid people might not like about you. So if you're ever thinking something like, oh, I don't want them to think I'm too, like, outgoing, if they think I'm too outgoing, They might not hire me because that office is like really quiet and full of introverts, for example, right? So you might act in a way where you think they might accept you more, right? And that's ultimately unattractive because you're not going to be able to keep that up. You can't change who you are for a job. You can't change who you are for a date, right? Versus The attractive side of this is you're honest. You're honest about the rough-around-the-edges parts that might be too much for somebody else, right? But you're confident enough to tell them about it. You're saying, you're saying, yep, I'm emotional sometimes. I can get pretty emotional sometimes. And that might be scary to say because you might think the person might be like, oh, I can't deal with that. Right? But the right person is going to be like, oh great, that's fine, I totally hear you, I'm like that too. Or they might say, okay, well, that's fine, we have other people who are like that here too, right? Or something like that, right? This is dating, mixing the dating and the interviewing, um, parallels together a little bit too much. But so say, say it's a, say it's a relationship and you're like, yeah, I am Pretty emotional, right? That might be something scary to say to somebody because you might not know how they're going to respond. In an interview, you might say something like, yeah, I do need to pick up my daughter every day at 3 o'clock, so I will require some flexibility in my schedule, right? Like you're saying, my family is important. That's a very important value to me, right? And they need to know that upfront because They need to be like, oh, okay, yeah, that's a fit. Or, oh yeah, no, no, we will, we will not allow that. You'll have to make other arrangements. Then you'll know that's not gonna be a fit, right? So being upfront about who you are from the beginning, and think about it this way, because if you don't, it's like you end up— you could end up getting hired there and then you can't pick up your daughter. You end up unhappy, you end up changing your life around for them. end up resentful, you end up not doing your best work. It's just never good. And in the relationship, it's like you end up hiding being emotional or trying to change, or they're just never going to be okay with it because they can't handle it, right? Um, so yeah, either way, being upfront, being transparent, being honest is way more attractive than trying to pretend to be somebody else or be somehow different so that they will accept you. Okay, next. Um, I'll just do whatever you want me to do. Um, I just need a job, so whatever. It's like, you need me to wash the car, or you need me to, um, do budget spreadsheets? Yeah, sure. Even though you hate budget spreadsheets. That's not attractive, right? It's like in dating, Oh yeah, I'll just do whatever you want me to do. Yeah, no problem. No consideration for my needs or wants whatsoever. Whatever you want, I'll do it. I just want to make you happy. I just don't want to be alone. I just need a job. Whatever I'm in, right? Contrary to popular belief, that is not attractive. Not to the right person anyway. So the attractive version of this is, I want To work in a place where they know me and like me for me. That's it. I'd rather not be anywhere than be somewhere that I need to fit into a mold where, where I don't fit in. Or I'd rather not, like, not have a job than be treated like shit. I'd rather not be with anybody than be with someone who doesn't accept me for who I am, right? It's like, I know who I am, and I am holding that space for the person, for the company, for the role, for the career that I know is, is there for me. And that's my job, right? That's the attractive part. That's the attractive version of that. And there's definitely very opposite there. You'll know. Next, it's like pressure, right? It's like, well, if you're not interested in making me that offer now, then like they don't push it ever and they pretend like they don't care, right? It's like, yeah, yeah, it's fine, don't worry about it, even though they are really unhappy inside and they're like angry and they're being passive-aggressive about it. They're like, oh, like they keep saying this and they're not doing it, right? It's like the, the problem with this and the unattractive part about this is it's like saying one thing on the outside but actually feeling something else on the inside, right? So it's like pretending like you're easy breezy chill, whatever, like, oh yeah, I don't care, it's fine, versus Even though you're really mad about it and you're going crazy and you're overthinking it like crazy, you're like not fine about it on the outside. You're like, yeah, it's whatever, like people ghost, whatever, it's okay, right? Instead of like owning it and being like, I know what I want, I'm going to be clear and upfront about what I want. And I'm not going to pressure you into anything, but if you're not interested, please let me know, right? So that I can move on, right? So even like the way that you communicate with recruiters and hiring managers, right? It's like so— like the way that we treat— tell people how to treat us is how they treat us, right? So Most candidates, they don't do anything about this. But I'm telling you, and I used to do this too, I used to be like, look, I'm interested in this role. We've interviewed, like, you know, the jobs that take you on like 5 rounds of interviews or something, and then they ghost you or they don't. It's like writing them an email that says how you feel, right? And like, yes, this is what I want. This is what we've discussed. Please go ahead and let me know if it's a no, because I'm— I need to move forward either way. And if I don't hear by this day, I will be moving forward. Right? Then everything you can do in your control is done, and you're not waiting around for somebody to respond or not, like, because that puts you in the energy of waiting around. And when you're focused, when you're in Like, I'm going to get this, I'm going to do this. You are not in the energy of waiting around. You're in the energy of the next thing, the next thing, the next thing. And you've got a lot of things going on when you're in that energy of this is happening. The mistake I see a lot of people fall into is, well, I'm just waiting, waiting for this person, I'm waiting for this, I'm waiting for this. It's like, no, there is no waiting. It's like You can email them and say, hey, this is where I'm at. I'm actively interviewing. We've had this, these many rounds. We've discussed these things. Let me know if you want to move forward. If I haven't heard from you by this day, then consider me off the market. Like, I know this seems kind of like absurd, but it's like, this is how we actually move forward, right? This is how we— and it's not just for them that you say it, it's for you because you provide the closure to yourself, right? Moving forward, um, avoid any hard, uncomfortable conversations or like kind of put them under the rug. So like, don't talk about salary, like just take whatever you're offered, um, because you have a low capacity to deal with like difficult conversations, right? So you're like, yeah, it's fine, like I'll just take whatever they give me, like we'll deal with it later. Or, um, the benefits aren't too good, but you know, at least I'm getting a chance. Or like, um, yeah, they don't really have a very good system for like people with kids. Or like if something's uncomfortable about it, or like I didn't really like what the manager said to me, or like whatever it is, you don't address it head-on. You just kind of leave it. Like I had, um— This is unattractive. This is unattractive, by the way. I had a client who He went for an interview and then they said they were going to make him an offer. They told him verbally the offer they were going to make him. It was really great. He was very excited. And then when the written offer came, it was different. And what happened there was he was like, well, it's different. I don't know what to do. And he's like, maybe I'll just leave it. And I was just like, no. And this is where I kind of flipped him around because he was I'm just gonna accept it. And I said, look, you just need to go back and say your written offer is not congruent with your verbal offer. And I was wondering why that was. And he was uncomfortable to say it, but he did. And it turns out it was a misunderstanding. And the guy had had a lawyer write it up and it was a template from somebody else's offer. And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry. We made a mistake. We sent you the wrong thing. But it was so necessary to bring it up, right? And he almost didn't. almost got this crappy offer that he was going to take. So that's unattractive and it's not necessary. The attractive version of that is willing to have and lead and instigate the difficult conversations because it's in integrity of the relationship. And you will mature and help them mature, and you will have a solid foundation for that relationship, and you will create more space and more comfort to have conversations like that in the future when you're working together, right? That is what you need to do. So when I advised, um, my client to ask, I just said, just flat out ask, like, it's not congruent with what we talked about on the phone. I'm just wondering why. That was a big step for him, and he ended up getting what he was promised originally. Who knows what would have happened otherwise? But this is why you need a coach if you are— because These things happen all the time, right? And sometimes you don't see what you don't see. Like, you don't see those blind spots. You're missing out on things. You are missing out on, like, asking a question that could change your life, the trajectory of your life. So again, unattractive, not avoiding uncomfortable conversations. Attractive, leading them courageously. Next. never risks loss or heartbreak, meaning you never risk a rejection, you never risk being laid off. Now, that's probably nobody, because dating is different in that you don't have to date. You can go your whole life without dating. And I suppose you could go your whole life without job searching too, but you'd have to have your own business, in which case you'd need to have customers, in which this would be a different process, or the same process in different clothes. But Never lose, like never make taking risks. Risks are what move you forward, right? So rejection is necessary, loss is necessary. So it's it's unattractive when you never take risks. What's attractive is you risk losing something or you risk being rejected. You risk getting your heart broken because you're. willing to ask for it. You're willing to take a stand for your future. You're willing to do something that a lot of people aren't willing to do. You're willing to hold the belief that your right person, that your right company, that your right place is there, right? And so you have to keep risking the things along the way and the pathway to get there. All right, next. Your self-doubt is so contagious that it sends— that it, it's contagious to the other person. So when you're so doubtful of yourself, the other person picks up on that doubt. And so that's a problem because they sense it, they feel it. And they energetically— maybe they don't know why, but they don't go with you, even if you're perfectly qualified. If you're doubting yourself too much, you're perfectly qualified, and they come back and they're like, yeah, we picked somebody else, or I want to date somebody else. Like, they might not tell you why, they might not even know why. That's a very, um, it's a reason that happens a lot that I point out a lot with my clients. Attractive. You have a little doubt, but you own it and you meet it with self-compassion and with evidence that you're human and you're, you're able to function with some self-doubt, right? And you come across as maybe you might have some doubt, but you have so much evidence to prove that you've proceeded with doubt and succeeded. that it's not a problem, right? So that's attractive because that's human, vulnerable, and everybody understands it because literally everybody has self-doubt. Versus if you're in such self-doubt that it's like, okay, I don't even know if you can do it either. Yeah. Like, I don't know if I wanna be in a relationship with you either, right? Like, I— this is a story when I was dating Um, there was this guy and he, he messaged me and then he spent every message trying to talk me out of continuing the conversation with him. So we would, uh, I'm— he messaged me and he goes, hi. And I'm like, hi. And then he goes, I live with my parents in, in the basement. And I'm like, oh yeah, I had to move in with my parents too after I broke up with my ex. I understand, you know, like trying to make and like be understanding because I just started talking to him. And he goes, oh no, this isn't a temporary— this isn't a temporary thing. I've been, um, living here my whole life and I suffer from anxiety and I don't have a job. He's like telling me this stuff and I'm thinking, okay, what do you want me to do with this? And then he— and then he ends up saying, I understand if you don't want to keep talking. I'm just like, what exactly was the point of that conversation? That's just an extreme example of self-doubt. sending somebody else into like a tizzy, because that happened to me. But anyways, it's fine to have some doubt. You just need to own it like a human and talk about how you've functioned your whole life with doubt and still done things. So that's essentially it. And it's like, dating is so much like interviewing because it involves humans and it involves Sorting humans out to see which ones are the right matches for you. And it's a process, right? And the parallels of the process are so similar, I just had to do an episode to touch on them. And sometimes the process can happen really fast, and you can meet someone and you could be like, yes, this person is amazing, I want to be in a relationship with them. And sometimes, like, like my partner and I, we kind of did that, like It was pretty fast. We were both on the same page, and it was— we just knew. And you'll hear of couples that that happens with them too. But sometimes it's not like that, and sometimes you need to respect— you need to respect the other person, right? And, and if that person isn't ready and you are, then it's simple. You just say, you know what, I want this, I, I'm looking for this, um, and if you're not ready for that, that's fine. I need to move on, especially in the job search. Like, I need to move on because that's where I need to put my focus. So yeah, it's— and it's so much more is in our control than we think, right? So I hope this was really helpful for you. Um, it was a really fun episode to record. I hope it was fun to listen to. I hope you can relate to a lot of it. Um, and this is just a fraction of what we touch on inside my paid programs. Um, for those of you in there, you know, um, We coach on, on everything in between, and we apply everything to your own personal situation. So, um, anything is solvable, anything is fixable, anything is in the energy of moving forward to getting, getting where you're going. And so I appreciate you being here on the podcast listening, and, uh, I will talk to you next week. Bye.